All language subtitles for Love.Actually.2003.1080p.BluRay.x264.anoXmous.eng

DAVlD: Whenever l get gloomy
with the state of the world,

l think about
the arrivals gate
at Heathrow airport.

General opinion
started to make out

that we live
in a world of
hatred and greed,

but l don't see that.

Seems to me that
love is everywhere.

Often
it's not particularly
dignified or newsworthy,

but it's always there.

Fathers and sons,
mothers and daughters,

husbands and wives,

boyfriends, girlfriends,
old friends.

When the planes
hit the Twin Towers,

as far as I know,
none of the phone calls
from the people on board

were messages of
hate or revenge.

They were all
messages of love.

If you look for it,
I've got a sneaky feeling

you'll find that love
actually is all around.

(SlNGlNG)
I feel it in my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Love is all around me
And so the...

I'm afraid you
did it again, Bill.

(SlGHS)

lt's just, l know the old
version so well, you know.

Well, we all do.

That's why
we're making
the new version.

Right, okay, let's go.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

I feel it in my fingers

In my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Love is all...

Fuck, wank, bugger,
shitting ass head
and hole.

(lNHALES DEEPLY) Start again.

I feel it in my fingers

In my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Christmas is all around me

All around me

And so the feeling grows

So the feeling grows

lt's written in the wind

ln the wind

It's everywhere I go

Everywhere I go

So if you
really love Christmas

Love Christmas

Come on and let it snow

Come on and let it...

This is shit, isn't it?

Yep,
solid gold shit, maestro.

God, l'm so late.

lt's just round the corner.
You'll make it.

You sure
you don't mind me
going without you?

No, really.
l'm just feeling so rotten.

l love you.

l know.

l love you
even when you're
sick and look disgusting.

l know.
Now, go or you
will actually miss it.

Right.

Did l mention that l love you?

Yes, you did.
Get out, loser.

Karen, it's me again.

(CHUCKLES) l'm sorry,
l literally don't have
anyone else to talk to.

Absolutely.
Horrible moment right now,
though. Can l call you back?

Of course.

Doesn't mean l'm
not terribly concerned
that your wife just died.

(CHUCKLES) Understood.

Bugger off, call me later.

So what's this
big news then?

We've been
given our parts
in the nativity play. . .

(GASPS)

. . .and l'm the lobster.

The lobster?
Yeah.

ln the nativity play?

Yeah. First lobster.

There was more than one
lobster present at the
birth of Jesus?

Duh.

Best sandwiches in Britain.

Try my lovely nuts?

Beautiful muffin
for a beautiful lady.

Morning, my future wife.

(SlGHS)

MAN: Okay, you can
stop there. Thanks.

l'm gonna need a couple
of orange gels, please,
mate.

And by the way,
he introduced
me as John,

but actually
everyone calls me Jack.

Fine. Nice to meet you, Jack.

He got me right, though.
l'm just Judy.

Great, Just Judy!

(LAUGHS)

No surprises?
No surprises.

Not like the stag night?

Unlike the stag night.

Do you admit the Brazilian
prostitutes were a mistake?

l do.

And it would've been
much better if they'd
not turned out to be men?

That is true.

Good luck, kiddo.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDlNG)

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

REPORTERS: (SHOUTlNG)
Prime Minister!

(PEOPLE WHlSTLlNG)

Thank you.

Welcome, Prime Minister.

(EXHALES) l must work
on my wave.

How are you?

How are you feeling?

Cool. Powerful.

Would you like to meet
your household staff?

Yes, l would like
that very much indeed.

Anything to put off
actually running the country.

This
is Terence.
He's in charge.

Good morning, sir.
Good morning.

l had an uncle
called Terence once.

Hated him.
l think he was a pervert.

But l very much
like the look of you.

This is Pat.
Hello, Pat.

Good morning, sir.
l'm the housekeeper.

Right. lt should be
a lot easier with me
than with the last lot.

No nappies, no teenagers,
no scary wife.

And this is Natalie.
She's new, like you.

Hello, Natalie.
Hello, David.

l mean, sir.

Shit,
l can't believe
l've just said that.

And now l've
gone and said "shit."
Twice. l'm so sorry, sir.

lt's fine, it's fine.
You could've said "fuck"

and then we'd have
been in real trouble.
Thank you, sir.

l did have an awful
premonition l was gonna
fuck up on my first day.

Oh, piss it!

(LAUGHS)

Right, l'll go get my things
and then let's fix the
country, shall we?

Yeah,
l can't see why not.

lt's all right.
Did you see what l did?

Yes, l did.
l just went. . .

Hello, there.

l'm right over here.

Yeah, l'm in here.
Okay. Good. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, no.
That is so inconvenient.

ln the presence of God,
Peter and Juliet have
given their consent

and made
their marriage
vows to each other.

They've declared their
marriage by the giving
and receiving of rings.

l therefore proclaim that
they are husband and wife.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(ORGAN PLAYlNG)

And you resisted the
temptation for surprises.

Yeah, l'm mature now.

(SlNGlNG)
CHORUS: Love, love, love

Love, love, love

Did you do this?

No.

Love, love, love, love

There's nothing you can do
that can't be done

lt. . .

There's nothing you can sing
that can't be sung

There's nothing you can say
but you can learn how to
play the game

It's easy

All you need is love

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need...

Look, it's Pikey.

(LAUGHlNG)

Hello!
What the hell
are you doing here?

l just popped over
to borrow some old CDs.

The lady
of the house let
you in, did she?

Yeah.

Lovely, obliging girl.

Yeah.

All right,
l just thought l'd pop back

before the reception
and see if she's better.

This is good.
Listen, l've been thinking.

l think perhaps
we ought to take

Mum out for her
birthday on Friday.
What do you think?

l just
feel we've been
bad sons this year.

Okay, sounds fine.
A bit boring but fine.

GlRL:
Hurry up, big boy!

l'm naked, and l
want you at least twice
before Jamie gets home.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

JULlET: l am so
happy to see you !

A delicious delicacy?

No, thanks.

Taste explosion?

Food?
No, thanks.

Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?
Looks like a dead baby's
finger.

(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)

(EXCLAlMS)
Tastes like it, too.

l'm Colin, by the way.

l'm Nancy.
Wicked.

What do you do, Nancy?
l'm a cook.

Ever do weddings?
Yes, l do.

They
should've asked
you to do this one.

They did.

God,
l wish you hadn't
have turned it down.

l didn't.

(GlGGLlNG) Right.

l've just worked out
why l can never find
true love.

Why is that?

English girls.
They're stuck
up, you see.

And l am primarily
attractive to girls

who are, you know,
cooler, game for a laugh.

Like American girls.
So l should just go
to America.

l would get
a girlfriend
there instantly.

What do you think?

l think it's crap, Colin.

That's where you're wrong.

American girls
would seriously dig me
with my cute British accent.

You don't have a cute
British accent.

Yes, l do!
l'm going to America.

Colin, you're a lonely,
ugly asshole, and you
must accept it.

Never.
l am Colin,
God of Sex.

l'm just on the wrong
continent, that's all.

MAN: Bit of quiet while we
finish the lighting, guys!

l thought l was never
gonna make it here today.

The traffic was just. . .
Unbelievable.

Judy, could you take
the top off this time?

Lighting and camera need to
know when we're actually
gonna

see the nipples
and when we're not.

Yes, okay.
Right. At least it's
nice and warm in here.

Yeah.
lt's not always
the case, is it?

l was standing
in for Brad Pitt once
on Seven Years in Tibet...

Yes, yeah.
Bloody freezing.

Sorry, guys, time's pretty
tight and we have to get
the actors in.

Fine.
l promise l won't look.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN: Right,
let's have another
look at that one, please.

And Jerry says
if you can just put
your hands on her breasts.

All right, okay, yeah.
ls that all right?

Yes. Yeah, fine.

l'll warm them up.

And massage them, please.

Right.

(lNHALES)

lt's
junction 1 3 that's
just murder, isn't it?

Total gridlock this morning.

Jo and l had a lot of time
to prepare for this moment.

Some of
her requests,
for instance,

that l should
bring Claudia Schiffer
as my date to the funeral,

l was confident
she expected me
to ignore.

But others she was
pretty damn clear
about.

When she
first mentioned
what's about to happen,

l said,
"Over my dead body."

And she said,
"No, Daniel, over mine."

And as usual,
my darling girl

and Sam's
darling mom was right.

So she's going to
say her final farewell
to you not through me but,

inevitably, ever so coolly,

through the
immortal genius of
the Bay City Rollers.

(POP SONG PLAYlNG)

Do you love him?

What?

No, l just thought l'd ask
the blunt question in case
it was the right one

and you
needed someone
to talk to about it

and no one had
ever asked you,

so you've never been able to
talk about it though you
might've wanted to.

No. No.
No is the answer.
No. Absolutely not.

So that's a no, then?

Yes.

This DJ,
what do you reckon?

The worst in history?
Probably.

l think
it all hangs
on the next song.

Now here's one
for the lovers.

That's quite a few of you,
I shouldn't be surprised
and a half.

He's done it, it's official.
Worst DJ in the world.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Sarah's waiting for you.

Yes, of course.

Great, good, good.

How are you doing, Mia?

Are you
settling in fine?
Learning who to avoid?

Absolutely.

Harry?

Sarah, switch off your
phone and tell me exactly

how long it is that
you've been working here.

Two years, seven months,

three days and, l suppose,
what, two hours?

And how long have
you been in love with Karl,
our enigmatic chief designer?

(LAUGHS)

Two years,
seven months, three days

and, l suppose,
an hour and 30
minutes.

Thought as much.

Do you think everybody knows?
Yes.

Do you think Karl knows?
Yes.

That is. . .
That is bad news.

l just thought that
maybe the time had
come

to do something about it.

Like what?

lnvite him out for a drink,
and then after about 20
minutes,

casually drop into
the conversation the fact
that you'd like to marry him

and have lots of sex
and babies.

You know that?
Yes.

And so does Karl.

Think about it,
for all our sakes.

lt's Christmas.

Certainly. Excellent.
Will do. Thanks, boss.

Hi, Sarah.
Hi, Karl.

Excuse me.

(CHRlSTMAS SONG PLAYlNG)

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Babe.
Absolutely, fire away.

Mia, Mia, would
you turn that down?

What is that?

And that was
the Christmas effort by
the once great Billy Mack.

Oh, dear me, how
are the mighty fallen.

l can safely put my
hand up my ass and
say

that is the worst record
l've heard this century. . .

And, coincidentally,
l believe Billy will
be a guest

on my friend
Mike's show in
a few minutes' time.

Welcome back, Bill.

So, Billy,
welcome back
to the airwaves.

New Christmas single,
cover of Love Is All Around.

Except we've changed the
word "love" to "Christmas."

Yes,
is that an important
message to you, Bill?

(SNORTS) Not really, Mike.

Christmas is a time for people
with someone they love in
their lives.

And that's not you?
That's not me, Michael.

When l was
young and successful,
l was greedy and foolish,

and now l'm
left with no one,
wrinkled and alone.

Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
For what?

Well, for actually giving
a real answer to a question.

lt doesn't often happen here
at Radio Watford, l can tell
you.

Ask me anything you like,
and l'll tell you the truth.

Best shag you ever had?

Britney Spears.

Wow.

No, only kidding !

(SNORTS) She was rubbish.

Okay, here's one.

How do you think the new
record compares to your
old, classic stuff?

Come on, Mikey,
you know as well as
l do the record's crap.

(BlLLY LAUGHlNG)

But wouldn't it be great
if number one this Christmas

wasn't some
smug teenager

but an old ex-heroin addict
searching for a comeback
at any price?

All those
young popsters
come Christmas day,

they'll be stretched out naked
with a cute bird balancing on
their balls

and l'll be stuck
in some dingy flat
with me manager, Joe,

ugliest man in the world,

fucking miserable
because our fucking
gamble didn't pay off.

So if you believe in
Father Christmas, children,
like your Uncle Billy does,

buy my festering
turd of a record.

And particularly enjoy
the incredible crassness

of the moment when
we try to squeeze an extra
syllable into the fourth line.

l think you're referring to,

"lf you really
love Christmas. . ."

"Come on and let it snow."

(EXCLAlMS)

So, here it is one more time,

the dark horse
for this year's
Christmas number one,

Christmas ls All Around.
Thank you, Billy.

After this, the news.

ls the
new prime minister
in trouble already?

Okay. What's next?

The President's visit.

Yes, yes.
l fear this is going to
be a difficult one to play.

Alex.

There's a very
strong feeling
in the party

we mustn't allow
ourselves to be
bullied

from pillar to post
like the last government.

ALL: Hear, hear.

This is our first
really important test.

Let's take a stand.

Right. Right.
l understand that,
but l have decided

not to. Not this time.

We will, of course,
try to be clever.

But let's not forget
that America is the most
powerful country in the world.

l'm not going to act
like a petulant child.

Right,
who do you have
to screw around here

to get a cup of tea
and a chocolate biscuit?

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Right.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah, come in.

These have just come through
from the treasury and these
are for you.

Excellent.
Thanks a lot.

l was hoping you'd win,

not that l wouldn't have been
nice to the other bloke, too.

Just always given him
the boring biscuits
with no chocolate.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks very much. Thanks. . .

Natalie.

God, come on, get a grip.
You're the prime minister,
for God's sake.

So what do you reckon to
our new prime minister then?

l like him.
l can't understand why
he's not married, though.

You know the type,
he's married to his job.

Either that or gay
as a picnic basket.

Excuse me, Judy,
if you could just
lower the nipples

and cheat them
a bit to the left?

Okay.

l have to say, Judy,
this is a real pleasure.

lt's lovely
to find someone
l can actually chat to.

Thank you.
Well, you know. . .

And ditto.
Thank you.

And the move again,
please, Judy.

Sorry.
God, sorry.

Are you all right?
Yeah, fine.

Exciting news!

What?

l've bought
a ticket to the States.
l'm off in three weeks.

No.
Yes!

To a fantastic
place called Wisconsin.

No!

(HORN HONKlNG)
Yes! Wisconsin babes,
here comes Sir Colin !

No, Col !
There are a few babes
in America, l grant you,

but they're
already going out
with rich, attractive guys.

Tone,
you're just jealous.

You know perfectly well
that any bar anywhere
in America

contains 1 0 girls
more beautiful and more
likely to have sex with me

than the whole of
the United Kingdom.

That is total bollocks.
You've actually gone
mad now.

No, l'm wise. Stateside l am
Prince William without the
weird family.

No, Colin, no!

(BOTH SPEAKlNG RUSSlAN)
Yes!

(SPEAKlNG GERMAN)
Ja, darling !

Right, the Christmas party,
not my favorite night of
the year

and your unhappy
job to organize.

Tell me.

lt's basic, really.

Find a venue, over-order on
the drinks, bulk buy the
guacamole

and advise the girls to avoid
Kevin if they want their
breasts unfondled.

Wives and family and stuff?

Yeah.
l mean, not children.

But their wives and
girlfriends, et cetera.

Oh, Christ, you haven't
got some horrible six-foot,

tight-T-shirt-wearing
boyfriend you'll
be bringing, have you?

No. l'll just be hanging
around the mistletoe,
hoping to be kissed.

Really?

Right.

He now spends all
the time in his room.

l mean,
he'll be up there now.

That's nothing unusual
about that. My horrid
son. . .

Bernard?
Bernard.

Stays in his room all
the time. Thank goodness.

Yeah, but, Karen,
this is all the time.

l'm afraid that
there's something
really wrong, you know?

l mean,
clearly it's
about his mom,

but, Christ, he might
be injecting heroin into
his eyeballs for all l know.

KAREN: At the age of 1 1 ?

DANlEL: Well, maybe
not his eyeballs, then.

Maybe just his veins.

You see,
the problem is
it was his mom

who always
used to talk to
him, you know, and. . .

l don't know, this
whole stepfather thing

seems suddenly
to somehow matter
like it never did before.

Listen,
it was always going to
be a totally shit time.

Just be patient.

And maybe check
the room for needles.

And then when he
sometimes does come out,

it's obvious
he's been crying.

(CRYlNG)

lt's just such
a ridiculous waste.

And now if
it's going to ruin
Sam's life as well. . .

l just don't know.

Get a grip.
People hate sissies.

No one's
ever gonna shag you
if you cry all the time.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Helpful.

So, what's the
problem, Samuel?

ls it just Mom or
is it something else?

Maybe school?

Are you being bullied?

Or is it something worse?

Can you give me
any clues at all?

You really want to know?

l really want to know.

Even though you won't be
able to do anything to help?

Even if that's the case,
yeah.

Okay. Well. . .

Truth is, actually,

l'm in love.

Sorry?

l know l should
be thinking about Mom
all the time and l am,

but the truth is l'm in love.

l was before she died,
and there's nothing
l can do about it.

(LAUGHS)

Aren't you a bit
young to be in love?

No.

Well, okay, well. . .

l mean,
l'm a little relieved.

Why?
Because l

thought it would
be something worse.

Worse than the total
agony of being in love?

No, you're right.
Total agony.

Night, Sarah.

Night, Karl.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Yeah, absolutely.

Free as a bird. Fire away.

Alone again.

Naturally.

l'll deal with it.

All right.

Natalie.
Sir.

Thanks. Natalie.

l'm starting to feel

uncomfortable
about us working in such
close proximity every day

and me knowing so
little about you.

lt seems. . .
lt seems elitist and wrong.

Well,
there's not
much to know.

Well, where do you live,
for instance?

Wandsworth. The dodgy end.

My sister lives in Wandsworth.
Yeah.

So which exactly
is the dodgy end?

Right at the end
of the High Street,

Harris Street,
near the Queen's Head.

Yeah, yeah, that is dodgy.

And
you live with your
husband? Boyfriend?

Three illegitimate
but charming children?

No.

l've just split up with
my boyfriend, actually,

so l'm back with my
mom and dad for a while.

Sorry.

No, it's fine.

l'm well shot of him.
He said l was getting fat.

l beg your pardon?

He said no one's gonna fancy
a girl with thighs the size
of big tree trunks.

Not a nice guy, actually,
in the end.

No.

(SNlCKERS)

You know,

being prime minister,
l could just have
him murdered.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you, sir.
l'll think about it.

Do. The SAS are
absolutely charming.

Ruthless, trained killers
are just a phone call away.

Oh, God.

Did you have this kind
of problem?

Yeah, course you did,
you saucy minx.

So, let's go.
We can definitely crack this.

Remember,
l was a kid once, too.

So, come on, it's
someone at school.
Right?

Yeah.
Good, good.

And what does she,
he, feel about you?

She doesn't even know my name.

And even if she did,
she'd despise me.

She's the coolest girl
in school,

and everyone worships
her because she's heaven.

Good. Good.

(SlGHS) Well, basically
you're fucked, aren't you?

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

Hi there, and welcome back.

So, Billy, three weeks
till Christmas,

looks like the real
competition is gonna be Blue.

Yeah,
l saw them on
the show last week.

They weren't very nice
about my record.

No. Little scamps.

(LAUGHlNG)

But very, very
talented musicians.

Yeah. Billy, l understand
you've got a prize
for our competition winners.

Yes, l have, Ant or Dec.
lt's a personalized
felt-tip pen.

Great.

lt's brilliant.
lt even writes
on glass,

so if you've got
a framed picture,

like,
for instance,
this one of Blue,

you can just write on it.

(KlDS SNlCKERlNG)

DEC:
A lot of kids
watching, Billy.

BlLLY: Yeah.

Hiya, kids.

Here's an
important message
from your Uncle Bill.

Don't buy drugs.

Become a pop star
and they give you
them for free.

(CROWD GASPlNG)
And l do believe
it's a commercial break.

Thank goodness. We'll
see you soon. Bye-bye.

(CROWD CHEERlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

Look at him !

Just a minute.

Actually,
they're not
funny. They're art.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Okay, let's say
Thursday, my place.

Great. But for now
l've got Juliet on
the other line.

Can l patch you through?
She wants to ask you a favor.

(SlGHS) Okay, fine.

Thanks and be nice.

l'm always nice.

You know what I mean,
Marky, be friendly.

l'm always. . .
JULlET: Mark?

Hi. How was the honeymoon?

lt was great. And thanks
for the gorgeous sendoff.

So, what can l do for you?

It's only a tiny favor.

l've just
tried the wedding video,
and it's a complete disaster.

lt's come out
all blue and wibbly.

l'm sorry.

l remember you
filming a lot in the day

and l just wondered if l
could look at your stuff.

No, look,
to be honest,
l didn't really. . .

Please. All l want
is just one shot of
me in a wedding dress

that isn't bright turquoise.

Okay, l'll have
a look, but to be honest,
l'm pretty sure l wiped it,

so don't get any hopes up.

Must go.

Any progress with
our matchmaking plans?

No. l've done fuck-all
and never will because
he's too good for me.

How true.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
SARAH: Stop.

And, of course,
your mobile goes.

Hello. Hi. How you doing?

So, how's the
Christmas party going?

Good.

Think l've found a venue.
Friend of mine works there.

What's it like?

Good. Good.

lt's an art gallery.
Full of dark corners
for doing dark deeds.

(CHUCKLES)

Right.

Good. Well,
l suppose l should

take a look at
it or something.

You should.

(TYPEWRlTER CLACKlNG)

(BELL TlNKLES)

(BOTH SPEAKlNG FRENCH)

Welcome back. And this year
you bring a lady guest?

No. There's a change
of situation. Just me.

Am l sad or not sad?

l think you're not surprised.

And
you stay here
till Christmas?

Yeah, yeah.

Good. Well, l find you
a perfect lady to
clean the house.

This is Aurelia.

(SPEAKlNG FRENCH)

(MUMBLlNG lN FRENCH)

Unfortunately, she cannot
speak French, just like you.

She's Portuguese.

(MUMBLlNG lN lTALlAN)

(SPEAKlNG lN
lTALlAN AND SPANlSH)

l think
she's 1 0 years
too young to remember

there was a footballer
called Eusebio.

And "molto bueno" is Spanish.

Right. Right.

Anyway, it's nice
to meet you and. . .

Perhaps
you can drive her home
at the end of her work?

Absolutely, yes.

(BLABBERlNG)

Which is what? Turkish?

(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)

No, right.
Silence is golden.

As the Tremeloes said.

Clever guys,
although l think
the original version

was by
Frankie Valli
& the Four Seasons.

Great band.

(HlGH-PlTCHED HUMMlNG)

Shut up.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDlNG)

REPORTERS: Mr. President!

MAN: Over here, sir!

What will you
be talking about?

Mr. President, welcome.

lt's a pleasure to meet you.

Come on through.

l'm sorry
your wife couldn't
make it, by the way.

So is she.
Although she would have
been kind of lonely, l'm sure.

Yes. Pathetic, isn't it?
Just never been able to
tie a girl down.

Not sure
that politics and
dating really go together.

Really?
l've never found that.

Yeah, well, the difference is
you're still sickeningly
handsome,

whereas
l look increasingly
like my Aunt Mildred.

Very jealous of your plane,
by the way.

Thank you. We love that
thing, l'll tell you.

Natalie. Hi.

Morning, ma'am.
How's your day
so far?

(GlGGLES)

Excellent.

(SlGHS)

My goodness,
that's a pretty little
son of a bitch, right there.

Did you see those pipes?

Yeah, yeah,
she's terrific at her job.

No, absolutely not.
We cannot and will not
consult on that, either.

That is unexpected.

Well, it shouldn't be.

The last administration
made it perfectly clear.

We're just
being consistent
with their policies.

Well,
with all respect, sir,
they were bad policies.

All right, thanks, Alex.

l don't think we're
making progress here.
Let's move on, shall we?

Well, now, that was
an interesting day.

Sorry if our line was firm,

but there's no point in
tiptoeing around today,

then just disappointing you
for four years.

l mean, l have plans
and l plan to see
them through.

Absolutely. Now, there is
one final thing l think
we should look at.

lt's very
close to my heart.
Just give me a second.

l'll give you anything
you ask for.

As long as
it's not something
l don't wanna give.

Hi.

Pathetic.

lt's great Scotch.

l'll. . .
l'll be going, then.

Natalie,

l hope to see
much more of you as
our two great countries

work toward
a better future.

Thank you, sir.

(CAMERAS CLlCKlNG)

Yes, Peter.

Mr. President,
has it been a good visit?

Very satisfactory indeed.

We got what we came for,

and our
special relationship
is still very special.

And, Prime Minister?

l love that word
"relationship."

Covers all manner of sins,
doesn't it?

l fear that
this has become
a bad relationship,

a relationship
based on the President
taking exactly what he wants

and casually ignoring all
those things that really
matter to

Britain.

We may be a small country,
but we're a great one, too.

The country
of Shakespeare,
Churchill, The Beatles,

Sean Connery, Harry Potter.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

David Beckham's right foot.
David Beckham's left foot,
come to that.

And a friend who bullies
us is no longer a friend.

And since
bullies only respond to
strength, from now onward,

l will be prepared
to be much stronger.

And the President
should be prepared for that.

(REPORTERS CLAMORlNG)

Mr. President!

Joe.

lt's your sister on line four.

All right.

Yes, l'm very
busy and important.
How can l help you?

Have you gone
completely insane?

You can't be sensible
all the time.

You can
if you're
prime minister.

Oh, dear,
it's the Chancellor of the
Exchequer on the other line.

No, it isn't!
I'll call you back.

No, you won't!

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

The trouble with being
the prime minister's
sister is

it does
put your life into
rather harsh perspective.

What did my brother do today?
He stood up and fought for
his country.

And what did l do? l made
a papier-mâché lobster head.

What is this
we're listening to?

Joni Mitchell.

l can't believe
you still listen
to Joni Mitchell.

l love her and true
love lasts a lifetime.

Joni Mitchell is
the woman who taught

your cold English wife
how to feel.

Did she?
Well, that's good.

l must write to her
sometime and say thanks.

Now,
which doll should we give
Daisy's little friend Emily?

The one that looks
like a transvestite

or the
one that looks
like a dominatrix?

(BELL TOLLlNG)

WOMAN ON RADlO:
It's almost enough to
make you feel patriotic,

so here's one for our
ass-kicking prime minister.

I think he'll enjoy this.

A golden oldie
for a golden oldie.

(POP SONG PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

Yeah. . .

Mary, l've been thinking,

can we move the Japanese
ambassador to 4:00 tomorrow?

Certainly, sir.

Terrific.
Thanks so much.

Would you like the last. . .

(lN PORTUGUESE)

That's all right,
more for me.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

l'm very lucky l've got
one of those constitutions

where l never
put on weight.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello.

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

Sorry.

Hello?

Thank you.

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

No. Hold on.

God, it's half the book. No.

Just
leave them, please!
They're not important.

They're not worth it!

Stop! Stop.

(MOANS)

lt's all just rubbish.

Just leave it.

God, she's in.

Right. And now she'll think
l'm a total spaz if l don't
go in too.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Fuck, it's freezing ! Fuck!

(lN PORTUGUESE)

lt's not worth it.
This isn't bloody
Shakespeare.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Just stop. Stop.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

l really must do copies.

There'd better
not be eels in here.
l can't stand eels.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Oh, God,
what the hell is that?

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

l know. l'll name one of
the characters after you.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Or
l could give you
5% of the profits.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(lMlTATES CRYlNG)

(lMlTATES LAUGHlNG)

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

Yes. lt's. . .

(GRUNTS)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Crime. Crime, murder.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Scary? Yes,
sometimes scary.

And sometimes not.
Mainly scary how
bad the writing is.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Sure.

lt's my favorite time of day,

driving you.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Sorry.

WOMAN ON TV: And coming up
later this morning, it's
this guy...

(BlLLY SlNGlNG ON TV)

The bad granddad
of rock and roll,

here at 1 0:30.
Do not switch off.

Banoffee pie?

No, thanks.

Thank God.
You would've broken my
heart if you'd said yes.

Right, well, lucky you.

Can l come in?

Yeah, well,
l'm a bit busy. . .

Well, l was just passing,
and l thought

we might check
that video thing out.

l thought
l might be able to
swap it for some pie

or maybe Munchies?

Actually,
l was being serious.
l don't know where it is.

l'll have a poke
around tonight then. . .

Mark, can l say something?

Yeah.

l know you're Peter's
best friend,

and l know you've never
particularly warmed to me.

No, don't argue.

We've never
got friendly.

But l
just wanted to say,
l hope that can change.

l'm nice.
l really am.

Apart
from my terrible
taste in pie and. . .

lt would be great
if we could be
friends.

Absolutely.
Absolutely.

Great.

Doesn't mean we'll be able
to find the video, though.

l had a real search
when you first called

and couldn't find
any trace of it
so. . .

Well,
there's one here that says,
"Peter and Juliet's Wedding."

Do you think we might
be on the right track?

Yeah, well. . .
Wow. That could be it.

Do you mind if l just. . .

l've probably
taped over it.

Almost
everything has episodes
of West Wing on it and. . .

Oh, bingo.

That's lovely.

Well done, you.

That's gorgeous.

Thank you so much, Mark.
This is exactly what l
was hoping for.

l look quite pretty.

You've stayed rather close,
haven't you?

(LAUGHS)

They're all of me.

MARK: Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

But

you never talk to me.

You always talk to Peter.

You don't like me.

l hope it's useful.

Don't show it
around too much.

Needs a bit of editing.

Look,
l've got to
get to a lunch.

Early lunch.

You can just show
yourself out,
can't you?

lt's a self-preservation
thing, you see.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah.

Annie, my darling,
my dream, my boat.

Need you to do
a favor for me.

Of course.
Anything for the
hero of the hour.

Don't ask me why,
and for heaven's sake,
don't read stuff into this,

it's just a weird
personality thing.

But you know Natalie
who works here?

The chubby girl?

Would we call her chubby?

l think there's a pretty
sizeable ass there, yes,
sir.

Huge thighs.

Yeah. Well, whatever.

l'm sure
she's a lovely girl,
but l wonder if you could

redistribute her?

lt's done.

Hey, Sammo. Can't sleep?

l got some
terrible news today.

Let's have it.

Joanna's going
back to America.

Your girl's American?

Yes, she's American.

And she's not my girl.

And she's going
back to America.

That's the end of
my life as l know it.

That is bad news.

Well, we need Kate

and we need Leo,
and we need them now.

Come on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Keep your eyes closed.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Do you trust me?

l trust you.

Fool !

Get off, you big bully.

All right, open your eyes.

You know,
Sammy, l'm sure she's
unique and extraordinary,

but general wisdom
is that in the end,

there isn't just one
person for each of us.

There was
for Kate and Leo.

There was for you.

And there is for me.

She's the one.

Fair enough.
And her name's Joanna?

Yeah, l know. Same as Mom.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yeah.

Prime Minister.

Thank you very much.

(MUMBLlNG lN PORTUGUESE)

Well, goodbye.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

lt was. . .

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(HORN HONKlNG)

(SlNGlNG) You know
l love Christmas,
I always will

My mind's made up,
the way that I feel

There's
no beginning,
there'll be no end

Daniel !

l have a plan.

Thank the Lord ! Tell me.

Well, girls love
musicians, don't they?
Uh-huh.

Even the really weird
ones get girlfriends.
That's right.

Meat Loaf definitely
got laid at least once.

For God's
sake, Ringo Starr
married a Bond girl.

Whatever. There's this big
concert at the end of term
and Joanna's in it.

And l thought maybe
if l was in the band and
played absolutely superbly,

there's a chance that she
might actually fall in
love with me.

What do you think?

l think
it's brilliant.
l think it's stellar.

Apart
from the one obvious tiny,
little, baby, little hiccup.

l don't play
a musical instrument?

Yes, sir.

A tiny, insignificant detail.

(DRUMS PLAYlNG)

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l suppose
l'd better go and
do the duty round.

You're a saint.

(LAUGHS)

Any chance of a dance
with the boss?

Yeah, sure, sure.

As long as your boyfriend
doesn't mind.

Not my boyfriend.

You're looking
very pretty tonight.

lt's for you.

Sorry?

lt's all for you, sir.

This must be a very
exciting moment for you,

fighting for the
Christmas number
one.

How's it looking so far?

Very bad indeed.

Blue are outselling me
five-to-one,

but I'm hoping
for a late surge.

(LAUGHlNG)

And, if I reach number one,

I promise to sing
a song stark naked
on TV on Christmas Eve.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

Do you mean that?

Well, of course
I mean it, Michael.

Do you want a preview?
You old flirt.

(LAUGHlNG)

That'll never
make number one.

(HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l suppose it's his job
to dance with everyone,
isn't it?

Some more than others.

Just one dance?

Before we run
out of chances.

Who, me?

Unless you just. . .

No! No! Good.

Yes. Thanks.

(SLOW ROMANTlC SONG PLAYlNG)

Well, then.
l'd better go.

Okay.

Good night.
Good night.

Actually,

l don't have to go.
Right. Good.

l mean. . .
No, that's good.

Just. . .
Would you excuse
me for one second?

Sure.
Just one second.

Okay, that's done.

Why don't you
come upstairs in
about 1 0 seconds?

Ten seconds.
Ten seconds.

Just tug it.

Okay.

You're beautiful.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

l'd better answer that.

Hello. Hi.
Hello, darling.

No, no,
l'm not busy.
No, fire away.

Right.

Yes, l. . .
l'm not quite sure
it's gonna be possible

to get the Pope on
the phone tonight
but. . .

Yes. Yes, l'm sure
he's very good at
exorcism but. . .

Well, l'm sure

Jon Bon Jovi is as well,
and l'll definitely
look into it.

Okay? Okay,
l'll talk to you later.

All right, bye-bye.

Sorry about that.

No, it's fine.

lt's my brother.
He's not well.
He calls a lot.

l'm sorry.
No, it's fine. lt's fine.

l mean,
it's not really
fine. lt is what it is,

and sort of there
being no parents now,
and us being over here,

it's my job to keep an eye
on him. l mean, not my job.

Obviously,
l'm glad to do it. . .

That's okay.

l mean, life is full
of interruptions and
complications.

So. . .

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Will it make him better?

No.

Then maybe

don't answer.

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

Hey. How you doing?

Right, right. No, please.

Please, please,
don't, little darling.

Between the two of
us we'll find the answer
and it won't hurt anymore.

No, no.
No, l'm not busy. l. . .

Of course
if you want me
to come over l will.

Okay.

That was a good night.

Except l felt fat.

Don't be ridiculous.

lt's true.

Nowadays the only clothes
l can get into were once
owned by Pavarotti.

l always think
Pavarotti dresses very well.

Mia's very pretty.

ls she?

You know she is, darling.

Be careful there.

Have you been watching
stuff on TV?

Yeah.

Every night.
Good.

And every day.

The nurses are
trying to kill me.

Nobody's trying
to kill you, babe.

Thank you.

Don't do that, my darling.

Thank you.

Don't do that.

Right.
Back at 3:00.
Christmas shopping,

never an easy or
a pleasant task.

Are you gonna
get me something?

l don't know,
l hadn't thought.

And where's Sarah,
by the way?

She couldn't make it
in today. Family thing.

There's
a word for hangover
l've never heard before.

See you later.

Yes. Looking forward to it.

A lot.

So are you gonna
give me something?

l thought l made
it clear last night.

When it comes to me,
you can have everything.

So, what do you need?

Something along
the stationery line?
Are you short of staplers?

No. l don't want
something l need.

l want something l want,
something pretty.

Right.

Sorry l'm late.
l had to drop off
Bernie at rehearsal.

Right, well, listen, you keep
yourself occupied for 1 0
minutes

while l go
and do the boring
stuff for our mothers.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Looking for anything
in particular, sir?

Yes. That necklace there,
how much is it?

lt's £270.

All right. l'll have it.

Lovely.

Would you like
it gift-wrapped?

Yes, all right.

Lovely.

Let me just
pop it in the box.

There.

Look,
could we be quite quick?

Certainly, sir.

Ready in
the flashiest of flashes.

There.
That's great.

Not quite finished.

Look, actually,
l don't need a bag.

l'll just put
it in my pocket.

This isn't a bag, sir.

Really?

This is so much
more than a bag.

(EXCLAlMS)

Could we be
quite quick,
please?

(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)

What's that?

lt's a cinnamon stick, sir.

Actually,
l really can't wait.

You won't regret it, sir.

Want to bet?

'Tis but
the work of a moment.

There we go.
Almost finished.

Almost finished?
What else can there be?

Are you gonna
dip it in yogurt?

Cover it with
chocolate buttons?

No,
sir, we're going to pop
it in the Christmas box.

But l don't want
a Christmas box.

But you said you wanted it
gift-wrapped.

l did but. . .

This is the final flourish.

Can l just pay?

All we need now. . .

Oh, God.

. . .is a sprig of holly.

No, no, no, no.

No bloody holly.
But, sir. . .

Leave it. Leave it.
Just leave it.

Loitering around the
jewelry section, l see.

No.
l was just
looking around.

Don't worry.
My expectations
are not that high

after 1 3 years of Mr. Oh-
but-you-always-love-scarves.

Actually,
l do love this one.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Had to
rent out my flat
to pay for my ticket.

You're not actually going
ahead with this genuinely
stupid plan?

Yeah. l bloody am.

You think this backpack
is full of clothes?
Like hell it is.

lt is chock-a-block
full of condoms.

Excellent. Excellent.
Perfect, keep that going.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Look, sorry to be
a bit forward and
all that,

but you don't fancy going
for a Christmas drink,
do you?

l mean,
nothing implied at all.

Just maybe go and see
something Christmassy
or something.

Obviously,
if you don't want to,
you don't have to. l. . .

l'm rambling now, sorry.

No. That would be lovely.

Great.

(EXCLAlMS)

You know,
that is really great.

Normally, l'm really shy
about this sort of thing.

Takes me ages to get
the courage up,
so thank you.

(DRUMS PLAYlNG)

Explain to me again
why you're so late.

For heaven's sake, woman,
can't a man have any secrets?

We've been waiting for hours.
lt's the first ever preview.

KAREN: lt
was a starry night
in ancient Jerusalem

and the baby Jesus was
in his manger.

Sherlock Holmes is
not a real detective.

(lN FORElGN LANGUAGE)

l would like
half-pint of sherry.

l would like
a one-day travel card.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Milton Keynes has
many roundabouts.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

You'll come back
a broken man.

Yeah, back broken
from too much sex.

You are on
the road to disaster.

No, l am on shag highway,
heading west.

Farewell, failure.

America, watch out!
Here comes Colin Frissell.

And he's got a big knob.

Take me to a bar.

What kind of bar?

Just any bar. Just
your average American bar.

Can l help you?

Yes. l'd like a Budweiser,
please.

King of beers.

One Bud coming up.

Oh, my God.

Are you from England?

Yes.

That is so cute.

Hi, l'm Stacey.

(LAUGHS)

Jeannie?

Yeah?

STACEY: This is. . .

Colin.

Frissell.

Cute name.

Jeannie.

He's from England.

Yep. Basildon.

Wait till
Carol-Anne gets here.

She's crazy
about English guys.

Hey, girls.

Carol-Anne, come meet Colin.

He's from England.

Well, step aside, ladies.
This one's on me.

Hey, gorgeous.

(GROWLlNG)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

That is so funny!

What do you call that?

Bottle.

GlRLS: (WlTH BRlTlSH ACCENT)
Bottle.

What about this?
Straw.

GlRLS: (WlTH BRlTlSH ACCENT)
Straw.

What about this?
Table.

Table. The same.
lt's the same.

Where are you staying?

l don't actually know.

l guess l'll
just check into a motel
like they do in the movies.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, that is so cute.

No, no, no, listen.
This may be a bit pushy
'cause we just met you,

but why
don't you come back
and sleep at our place?

Yeah.

Well, l mean,
you know, if it's not
too much of an inconvenience.

Hell no!

But there's one problem.

What?

Well, we're
not the richest
of girls, you know.

So we just have
a little bed and no couch.

So you'd
have to share
with all three of us.

And on this cold,
cold night it's gonna be
crowded and sweaty and stuff.

And
we can't even
afford pajamas.

No?

Which means we
would be naked.

No, no, l think it'd be fine.

Great.
Cool.

The thing
that's gonna make
it more crowded. . .

Harriet.
You haven't met Harriet.

There's a fourth one?
Yeah.

Don't worry, you're
totally gonna like her
'cause she is the sexy one.

Really? Wow.
Yeah.

Praise the Lord !

And he's a Christian.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Cheers.
GlRLS: Cheers.

(COLlN LAUGHlNG)

One present
only each tonight.
Who's got one for Dad?

l have.
Let Mommy go first.

l'll get it. l'll get it.

No, no, no.
l want to choose mine.
l want to choose mine.

l think l want

this one.

l have, of course, bought you
the traditional scarf as well,

but this is my other,
slightly special,
personal one.

Thank you.

That's a real first.

Rip it!

What is it?

l'm going to. . .
All right, l'll rip it.

God, that's a surprise.

DAlSY: What is it?

lt's a CD.
Joni Mitchell. Wow.

To continue your
emotional education.

Yes. Goodness.

That's great.

My brilliant wife.

Yes.

Actually, do you mind if
l just absent myself for
a second?

All that ice cream.

Darling,
could you just make sure
the kids are ready to go?

l'll be back in a minute.

HARRY: All right, all right,
let's take it easy.

BERNlE: Mine first. Mine.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TAPE)

Oh, my God.

lt's a miracle.
You're all dressed.

Come on,
come on, come on,
we're horribly late.

Right, then. Come on.
ln the car. ln the car.

Come on.

Has she noticed you yet?

No.

You know the thing
about romance is

people
only get together
right at the very end.

Of course.

By the way, l feel bad.
l never ask you how
your love life is going.

Uh-huh.

No.

As you know, that was
a done deal long ago.

Unless, of course,
Claudia Schiffer calls,

in which case
l want you out of
the house straightaway,

you wee motherless mongrel.

(EXCLAlMS)

No, no. We'll want to have
sex in every room,
including yours.

MAN ON RADlO: lt's a rainy
Christmas Eve all over
the UK

and the big question
is who is number one

on the Radio One
chart show tonight?

ls it Blue or the
unexpected Christmas
sensation from Billy Mack?

You might have guessed it,
although you may not
believe it.

It's Billy Mack.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

You are the champion !

MAN ON PHONE: Hi, Billy.

Hello.

We're live
across the nation,
and you're number one.

How will you
be celebrating?

l don't know.

Either l could behave like
a real rock and roll loser

and get drunk
with my fat manager,

or, when l hang up,

l'll be flooded by invitations
to a large number of glamorous
parties.

Let's hope it's the latter.
And here it is. Number one,
from Billy Mack,

it's Christmas ls All Around.

Jesus, not that crap again.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Bill, it's for you, babe.

Hello. Elton.

Of course. Of course.

Send an embarrassingly
big car, and l'll be there.

(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)

lt's gonna be
a very good Christmas.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

Right.

l'd better be getting inside,
actually. My mom and,
you know. . .

Of course, yeah.
lt's getting a
bit cold.

Well, good night.

Night.

Okay.

All l want for Christmas
is you.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Right.

Thank you. Good.

Good night.

(LAUGHlNG EXClTEDLY)

Look, everyone,
it's Uncle Jamie.

Hi, Uncle Jamie!

Yes, splendid.
lt's lovely to
see you all.

And. . .

l'm off, actually.

But, Jamie, darling. . .

Sorry.

Man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

(ALL MURMURlNG)

l hate Uncle Jamie!

GlRL: l hate Uncle Jamie.

BOY: l hate Uncle Jamie.

Gatwick Airport, please.
Fast as you can.

(ROMANTlC SONG PLAYlNG
ON RADlO)

Night, Sarah.

Night, Karl.

l. . .

Merry Christmas.

Hi, babe.
How's it going? Yeah.

ls it
all party, party,
party down there?

Sam, time for dinner.

SAM: l'm not hungry.

Sam, l've done
chicken kebabs.

Look at the sign
on the door.

(DRUMS PLAYlNG)

Right.

lt's a little long.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

l'll get it.

Hi.

PETER: Who is it?

lt's carol singers.

Give them a quid and
tell them to bugger off.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TAPE)

(WHlSPERS) Merry Christmas.

Enough.

Enough now.

(DOORBELL BUZZlNG)

What the hell
are you doing here?

You're supposed to
be at Elton John's.

Well, l was there
for a minute or two,
and then l had an epiphany.

Really?
Yeah.

Come on. Just come up.

So what was this epiphany?

lt was about Christmas.

You realized
it was all around.

No. l realized that
Christmas is the time

to be with
the people you love.

Right.

And l realized that,
as dire chance

and fateful cock-up
would have it,

here l am, mid-50s,

and without knowing it,
l've gone and spent
most of my adult life

with a chubby employee.

(SNORTS)

And, much as it
grieves me to say it,

it might be that the
people l love is,
in fact,

you.

Well, this is a surprise.

Yeah.

Ten
minutes at Elton John's,
you're as gay as a Maypole.

No, look.
l'm serious here.

l left Elton's
where there were

a hefty number of
half-naked chicks

with their mouths
open in order to hang
out with you at Christmas.

Well, Bill. . .

lt's a terrible,
terrible mistake, chubs,

but you turn out to be
the fucking love of my
life.

(CHUCKLES)

And to be honest,
despite all my
complaining,

we have had
a wonderful life.

Well,

thank you.

l mean, come on,
it's been an honor.

l feel very proud.

Look, don't be a moron.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Come on, let's get
pissed and watch porn.

NATALlE: Dear sir...
Dear David,

Merry Christmas
and I hope you have
a very happy New Year.

I'm very sorry about
the thing that happened.

It was a very odd moment
and I feel like a prize
idiot.

Particularly because,

if you can't say it at
Christmas when can you,
eh,

I'm actually yours.
With love, your Natalie.

Jack, yeah, l need a car.

Right now. Thank you.

Don't wait up.

l'd like to go to Wandsworth,
the dodgy end.

Very good, sir.

TERRY:
Harris Street.
What number, sir?

DAVlD: God,
it's the longest
street in the world,

and l have
absolutely no idea.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

Hello.
Does Natalie live here?

No.

Right, fine.
Thank you. Sorry to disturb.

Hey, aren't. . .

Aren't you
the prime minister?

Yes.
ln fact, l am.
Merry Christmas.

Part of the service now.

Trying to get around to
everyone by New Year's Eve.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

Hello.
Does Natalie live here?

No, she doesn't.

Oh, dear. Okay.

Are you singing carols?

No. No, l'm not.

Please, sir, please.

Please.

Well, l suppose l could.

Please.

All right.

(GlRLS EXCLAlMlNG)

(SlNGlNG) Good King Wenceslas
looked out

On the feast of Stephen

When the snow
lay round about

Deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone
the moon that night

Hello.
Sorry to disturb.
Does Natalie live here?

No. She lives next door.

Ah !

Brilliant.

You're not who l think
you are, are you?

Yes, l'm afraid l am,
and l'm sorry about
all the cock-ups.

Not my fault.
My cabinet are
absolute crap.

We hope to
do better next year.
Merry Christmas to you.

(CHATTERlNG STOPS)

Ah !

Hello. ls Natalie in?

Where the fuck
is my fucking coat?

Oh !

Hello.

This is my mom and my dad and
my Uncle Tony and my Auntie
Glynne.

Hello.
Very nice to meet you.

And this is
the prime minister.

Yes, we can see that,
darling.

And,
unfortunately,
we're very late.

lt's the
school Christmas
concert, you see, David.

lt's the first time
all the local schools

have joined together,
even St. Basil's. . .

Too much detail, Mom.

Anyway,
how can we help, sir?

Well, l just needed Natalie

on some state business.

Right, yes.
Of course. Right.

Well,
perhaps you should
come on later, Plumpy.

Natalie.

Well, listen,
l don't want to make
you late for the concert.

No, it's nothing, really.

Keith will be
very disappointed.

No, really,
it doesn't matter.

The octopus costume's
taken me months.

Eight is a lot
of legs, David.

Hmm.

Well, listen,
why don't l give you a lift,

and then we can talk about
this state business
business in the car?

Okay.

Lovely, yes.
Lovely.

MAN: Thank you.

Hold tight, everybody.

How far is this place?

Just round the corner.

Right. Well. . .

l just wanted to say

thank you for
the Christmas card.

You're welcome.

Look,
l'm so sorry
about that day.

l mean,
l came into the room
and he slinked towards me

and there was a fire

and he's
the President of
the United States

and nothing happened,
l promise.

And l just felt like
such a fool because

l think about you
all the time, actually.

And l think you're
the man l really. . .

We're here.

. . .love.
Oh, wow.

That really was
just round the corner.

(SlGHS)

Well, look, l. . .

l think l'd better
not come in, you know?

Last thing anyone wants
is some sleazy politician
stealing the kids' thunder.

No,
please come.
lt'll be great.

No, l'd. . .
l'd better not.

But l will be very sorry

to drive away from you.

Just give me one second.

John's
been very mysterious.
Where did you two meet?

No!

Come on in.
We can watch
from backstage.

Okay. Terry,
l won't be long.

Look, this has to be
a very secret visit,
okay?

Don't worry.
This was my school.

l know my way around.
Come on.

Look, the sheep
are ready already
and you're not even. . .

David.

(EXCLAlMS)

How are you?

Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey.
You all right?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, you know. . .

Well, l always tell your
secretary's secretary's
secretary

that these
things are going on,
but it never occurred to me

you'd actually turn up.

l thought it was
about time l did.

l just didn't
want anyone to see,

so l'm gonna hide myself
somewhere and watch the show.

Good luck, good luck, Daisy.
Good luck, Bernie.

l have to tell you,
l've never been gladder
to see my stupid big brother.

Thank you.

All right.

Now, we haven't
been introduced.

Right. Well, this is Gavin.

Hello, Gavin.

My copper.

And this is Natalie,
who's my. . .

Who's my
catering manager.

Hi.
Catering manager.

Watch out he keeps
his hands off you.

Twenty years ago,
you'd have been
just his type.

l'll be very careful.
Don't try something, sir,
just because it's Christmas.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

No, seriously.

(BELL RlNGlNG)

Come on.
Showtime. Quickly.
Look, see you after, yeah?

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

lt's all right.

Come on.
Right.

ALL: (SlNGlNG)
Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

Save it for a rainy day

Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

Never let it fade away

(ALL APPLAUDlNG)

Hillier School would
now like to present

their chosen
Christmas number.

Lead vocals by 1 0-year-old
Joanna Anderson,

backing vocals
coordinated by her mother,
the great Mrs. Jean Anderson.

Some of the staff
have decided to
help out,

and for this,
we ask you to forgive us.

Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)

(SlNGlNG) l don't want
a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

l don't care
about the presents

Underneath
the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you
could ever know

Make my wish come true

All l want for Christmas

Is you

l don't want
a lot for Christmas

There's just
one thing I need

l don't care
about the presents

Underneath
the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you
could ever know

Make my wish come true

All l want for Christmas
is you

You, baby

All the lights are shining

So brightly everywhere

And the sound of
children's laughter
fills the air

Laughter fills the air

Everyone is singing

Oh, yeah

l hear those
sleigh bells ringing

Santa,
won't you bring me my honey?

Won't you please
bring my baby to me?

l don't want
a lot for Christmas

This is all I'm asking for

All I'm asking for

I just wanna see my baby

Standing right
outside my door

'Cause l just
want you for my own

More than you
could ever know

You will ever know

Make my wish come true

All l want for Christmas

Is you

All l want for Christmas

And you and you

All l want for Christmas

(CROWD CHEERlNG)

(CAMERAS CLlCKlNG)

Right.

So, not quite as secret
as we'd hoped.

What do we do now?

Smile.

Little bow.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

And a wave.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Absolutely no idea.
l mean, can you imagine?

l'll see you later,
all right?

l'll speak to you. Bye.

Tell me, if you
were in my position,
what would you do?

What position is that?

lmagine your husband
bought a gold necklace

and, come Christmas,
gave it to somebody
else.

Karen. . .

Would you wait around
to find out. . .

Good night.

Night, darling.
Happy Christmas.

Would you wait around
to find out if it's
just a necklace

or if it's sex
and a necklace

or if, worst of all,
it's a necklace and
love?

Would you stay?

Knowing life
would always be
a little bit worse?

Or would you cut and run?

Oh, God.

l am so in the wrong.

A classic fool.

Yes, but you've also
made a fool out of me.

You've
made the life
l lead foolish, too.

Darling. Darlings!

You were wonderful.

My little lobster,
you were so. . .

What is that word?

Orange.

Come on,
l've got treats at
home. Dad's coming.

Sammy! Fantastic show!
Classic drumming, Son.

Thanks.
Plan didn't work, though.

Tell her, then.

Tell her what?
Tell her that you love her.

No way.
Anyway, they fly tonight.

Even better.
Sam, you've got
nothing to lose,

and you'll always
regret it if you don't.

l never told
your mom enough.

l should have
told her every day,

because she was perfect
every day.

You've seen the films, kiddo.
lt ain't over till it's over.

Okay, Dad. Let's do it.

Let's go get the shit
kicked out of us by love.

Yes.

Just give me one sec.

Yeah.

l'm sorry.

Sorry.

That's okay.

My fault.

No, no, really, it wasn't.

You're Sam's dad, aren't you?

Yeah. Stepdad, actually.

Daniel.
l'm Carol.

Carol.

Okay, l'm back. Let's go.

Yeah. Well. . .

l hope we'll meet again,
Karen.

Carol.

(LAUGHS)

l'll make sure we do.

Yeah? Good.

Tell her.
What?

You know. . .

Don't be such an arse.

Look, there she is.
Where?

Over there.

Oh, no.

lt's okay, we'll go to the
airport. l know a shortcut.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Wait. Wait.

Oh, no.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Look,
we're not actually flying.

You can't come through
without a boarding pass.

Not even to let
the boy say goodbye
to the love of his life?

No.

l'm sorry, Sam.
Boarding pass, sir?

Just a moment,
l know l've got
it here somewhere.

Sorry.
Would you mind
hanging on to that?

Unless. . .
What?

Do you want to
make a run for it?

Hold on to that, as well.

You think l should?
Yeah.

Thank you. Hold those.

Okay.

Yes!

No, l must have left them
where l was having
a cup of coffee.

l'm sorry.

(BEEPlNG)

(lNAUDlBLE)

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Joanna.

Sam?

l thought you
didn't know my name.

Course l do.

Oh, Jesus.
Here, l've gotta run.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(SPEAKlNG PORTUGUESE)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(SHUSHlNG)

(lN PORTUGUESE)

Thank you.

That will be nice.

Yes is being my answer.

Easy question.

(lN PORTUGUESE)

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Bravo!

You learned English?

Just in cases.

Hello, Daisy.

This one's Greta.

Hello, Greta.

Here she is. This is Aurelia.
This is Juliet. This is Peter.

Mark, hi,
didn't see you there.

Yeah,
just thought
l'd tag along.

Jamie's friends
are so good-looking.

He never tells me this.

l think maybe now
l have made the
wrong choice,

picked wrong Englishman.

She can't speak
English properly.

She doesn't know
what she's saying.

DAlSY: Dad ! Dad !

Oh, God.

Did you get us any presents?

As a matter of fact, l did.

BERNlE: Thanks, Dad.

How are you?

l'm fine. l'm fine.

Good to have you back.

Come on. Home.

There she is.

Hi.

Hello.

He should have kissed her.

No, that's cool.

Hey.
What are you
two doing here?

l might get a shag at last.

Naughty.

Got to go.

Bye.

(EXCLAlMS)

Now, this is Harriet.

Hi.
Really pleased to meet you.

Hello, Harriet.

l hope you don't mind,
l sort of brought my
sister to stay.

This is Carla.
She's real friendly.

Hello, you must be Tony.

l heard you were gorgeous.

God, you weigh a lot.

Shut your face.