All language subtitles for Ode To Joy-2019

[film reel rolls]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

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[indistinct chatter]

Love

family

joy.

If you're here

it's because you love
Marvin and Liza very much.

At least one of 'em.

[laughter]

And you wanna share
in their happiness.

I know I do.

Liza... Charlie, Cooper

I wanna thank you for trusting
me with this ceremony.

I consider it a very high honor
and a privilege

and I know
your dear departed parents

Jerry and Barb,
would have approved.

And just as important,
tipped me handsomely.

[laughter]

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You alright, buddy?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Think unhappy thoughts.
- Okay.

Childhood obesity.

Dolphins caught in tuna nets.

- Syria.
- Good. Hang in there, alright?

Remember, 50% of marriages
end in divorce.

My God, that's depressing.

Thank you.

What the hell?

That's their brother Charlie.

Apparently,
he's got some disease

where he passes out
when he's happy.

That's a thing?

Or else he's just an asshole.

I... I first met Liza

when she was smaller
than a butternut squash.

[laughter]

Charlie and Cooper paraded
their new baby sister into mass

like she was
the Second Coming herself.

I swear they were,
they were prouder

even than your mom and dad.

Oh, Jesus.
Hey, come on, man. Come on!

- Is he okay?
- Uh, uh, Brian Wilson.

- Vegan meat.
- Cosby.

- Cosby.
- Cosby.

Okay, let's go ahead and really
drive it to the hoop now, okay?

- Okay. No, I understand. Okay.
- We're very ready.

Marvin, do you take Liza
to be your wife?

Faster.

To have and to hold,
for better for worse

sickness, health, to cherish
until death do you part?

I do.

And, Liza,
do you do all that stuff too?

I do.

[distorted voice]
Then by the power vested..

...in the State of New York

and God, I pronounce you
husband and wife.

No, no, no!

[screaming]

[clamoring]

Okay! That's okay.
That's okay. It's alright.

It's alright. I got it.
Yeah, it's alright.

[distorted conversation]

Charlie?

Hey, it lives.

What'd I miss?

They're on their way to Belize.

I'm sorry.

Check this out.

Before they left

Marvin presents Liza
with this big box, right?

A gift.

Makes a big deal out of it.

It's not jewelry,
not a day at the spa, lingerie.

It's travel pants
with the zip-off legs.

I saw...
I saw the arm come back.

I thought
she was gonna punch him.

Stop it.

Seriously.

[clears throat]

No more, man.

But she's alright.

Uncle Jeff stitched up her lip,
and..

Yeah, you tore shit up, man.

That whole front row's
gonna have PTSD.

She just looked so beautiful.

I... I couldn't stop
the happiness.

Yeah. You won't even consider

trying that Zyrem,
Xyrem stuff again?

It doesn't do any more for me
than exercise, Cooper

and exercise doesn't
make me wet the bed.

Alright.

I just, you know..

I don't want you to die.

I'll be fine.

As long as there are
no more weddings ever.

I can count on you for that,
right?

Hey.

Oh, I saw, uh, Marvin's sister,
Rita, checking you out.

- Was she now?
- Yeah.

Must have a thing for fainters.

Ah, don't be so dismissive.
Some chicks love a project.

I don't wear socks
with sandals, Cooper.

I have an incurable
neurologic condition.

Hey, but don't be all poopy
about it.

[instrumental music]

♪ The sun came up
with no conclusions ♪

♪ Flowers sleeping
in their beds ♪

♪ This city's cemetery's
humming ♪

♪ I'm wide awake
it's morning ♪♪

[instrumental music
on headphone]

[exhales]

Okay, come on.

Let me help. I'll help you.

Thank you so much.

No problem.

[exhales]

[sighs]

[exhales]

[panting]

[exhales]

Your baby sister married off.

- Mm-hmm.
- That gotta make you feel old.

Liza always did
everything first.

When she was 12 years old

she pressured me
into smoking a joint.

Come on, man.
Don't you wanna fall in love?

Oh, I wanna be in love, sure.

I... Ideally, I'd like
to skip past the honeymoon phase

to the steady
sharing deodorant phase.

- Oh, you're killin' me, man.
- I'm with you, Charlie.

It's important to find someone

that you can kind of forget
is there

so that when they leave,
it's like losing a cat.

No, that... that's not
exactly what I..

You know,
I... I need to be careful.

I need someone
I can picture in sweatpants

just the right amount of mousy.

Do you listen
to the Modern Love podcast?

- I don't. You do?
- Religiously.

There was a story the other day
about a couple

where he was deaf
and she was blind

so they couldn't speak
or use sign language

but they were happily married
for, like, 15 years.

- Mm-hmm. What happened then?
- Oh.

She was killed
by a self-driving car.

- Yeah. It was a lot.
- Thanks for your input, Victor.

Everyone stop talking right now.
I need to concentrate.

You don't have to react
that way to stuff.

Like with my mom
with the baseball..

I took you
to the baseball game.

You were like a crazy person
at the baseball game.

A crazy person at a ba..
It's a baseball game.

Is there etiquette
for a baseball game?

It's a Little League game
with kids. Alright?

Okay, fine.
So how about you getting drunk

at a Little League game?

Well, what else are you gonna do
at a Little League game?

I want you to sit down
for a second.

[instrumental music]

[softly] I ask you to..
I ask you to relax.

I say, "Relax,"
and you take it...

It is the most annoying thing
on the planet to hear.

I'm just saying relax,
like it's not that big...

- Stop saying that.
- Will you just relax?

What are they talking about?

You know I've been doing a lot
of work on myself lately.

Like, I've really been trying
to become a better person.

Are you breaking up with me?

- Yes.
- Seriously?

- Shh.
- Shh.

We're in a library.

Is that why you brought me here?
So I wouldn't raise my voice?

- Shh.
- No.

[softly] Listen,
we both know that you're passionate.

Oh, is that a euphemism
for loud?

- Shh.
- It's gettin' heated.

Euphemism's a great word.

Here's another one.
You're freakin' bananas.

- Motherfuck!
- Ow! Alright.

- Great.
- Are you serious right now?

- Ugh! Take that!
- Okay, ma'am, would you mind?

- Miss?
- Will you, please, get down?

- I like it up here.
- Yeah, she's crazy, man.

And not just like part of the
month, like the whole thing.

Oh, my God! This penny loafer
wearing asshole

brought me in here
to break up with me.

Yeah, 'cause I thought
she'd keep a lid on it for once.

- Ugh!
- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Why don't you just let it out?
- What?

You're standing on a table

you clearly
have something to say.

I think you should say it.

Okay, well, for example,
"Keep a lid on it."

I don't have to keep a lid
on anything.

I'm pretty sure every nerd
in this library disagrees.

You know what's crazy is

I don't even know
how we ended up together.

He's... he's rude to waiters.
He screens calls from his mom.

- He threads his eyebrows.
- I'm part Greek.

And your friends don't like him?

Oh, they hate him.

And they can't understand
what I see in him, you know.

And then after a while

it becomes the reason
why I'm with him.

Sure. It's bad choices.
That's your thing, right?

- Yeah. So it's her fault.
- Hey, hey.

Miss, please,
give Lavelle the book.

You stand back
or I'm gonna tear this apart.

She's all talk.

Ma'am?

- Ma'am?
- Ugh!

Ma'am!

You will never ever tear
the binding on that book.

It's reinforced for libraries.

You can, however, try the pages.

- Charlie?
- No, no, please.

Start in the middle.
Knock yourself out.

- Okay. Yeah!
- There you go!

See how good that feels?

- Ooh!
- Does that feel good?

- Huh? Am I being loud now?
- Just relax.

Oh, relax?

Relax?

Re.. Re..

Relax!

[sighs]

- Ooh!
- Tell me something.

[clears throat]

Did you ever really think
that this would last?

Or, uh, the better question is

did you ever really want it to?

[mellow music]

[sighs]

Fine, we can break up.

Well, that went as expected.

- Thanks.
- How'd he do that?

Like a blind man
learns to listen

except Charlie's got an ear
for pain.

- What's it to you?
- What?

Uh, I'm... I'm just..

I'm trying to keep things
calm here.

- You're good at it.
- I need to be.

- Sorry!
- Don't do that anymore.

I'm taking off early.

Measles outbreak on the rise.
CDC concerned.

Thank you.

[instrumental music
on headphones]

[indistinct chatter]

Zika virus.

Congress.

Oh, God.

Famine in Darfur.

White guy, dreadlocks.

Oh!

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

- You just made it.
- Barely.

Thanks.

[sighs]

- You good?
- Yeah.

[bell rings]

[carnival music]

There's someone here to see you.
She brought you something.

She?

Oh, God. Tell her I died.

I already told her
you were here.

- It was a very sudden...
- Hello?

Hi there, Mr. Librarian.

Hey. Come to throw
more books around?

I'm here to thank you for coming
to my defense the other day.

Oh, I... I didn't come
to your defense.

I... I just came to get you
off the table.

Well, still, I appreciate it.

I, uh, I got you this.
A replacement.

- Didn't have to do that.
- It's the least I could do.

No, the copy you destroyed
was a first edition.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, you did kind of
egg me on though.

[laughs]
Oh.

Alright.

I was thinking about something
you said that day.

Right.

Uh, did I really
want it to last

and I realized that I didn't.

It's a good thing it ended then.

Yeah, but why did I
get into a relationship

I knew was doomed to fail?

Ask the guy who doomed it.

It's not his fault.

Actually, it is all his fault.

But I knew where it was headed

when he canceled on a date
to go to a boat show.

By the way, he's the second guy
to do that to me.

Maybe you should move inland?

There's something
I find irresistible about men

I have no future with.

[humming]

Oh.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

Right.

It's so quiet in here.

Does it make you
just wanna scream?

Don't scream, please.

[laughs]

Come on, have you tried
screaming? It's fun.

I know it's fun, but there's
more to life than fun, you know.

- Is there?
- I'm not sure anymore.

Well, uh, thanks again.

- I'm Francesca, by the way.
- I'm Charlie.

Well, um, it was nice
to meet you, too, Charlie.

Yeah. Uh..

Yeah.

We need to settle something
right now.

Are you gay?

I mean, it's... it's cool
if you are, but I gotta know

'cause I want off
this emotional rollercoaster.

I'm not gay, Lavelle.

Eunuch? Are you a eunuch?

- What?
- It is unfair.

You won't go out with her
because of how she looks.

It's not her fault
that she's smoking hot.

No, it's not just her looks.
It's her manner.

It's her laugh. It's her
stupid gift-wrapped books.

She's just too..

Too.

It sounds like
you kind of dig her.

That's the problem.

Let's get down to brass tacks,
Charlie.

Sperm quality declines sharply
after age 35.

Thank you, Victor.

You gotta stick your neck out
sometime, Charlie.

- Life will pass you right by.
- Yeah, right.

Okay!

Okay, what?

Okay, I'll go out with you.

Oh, I, I didn't exactly ask.

Uh, how does
2 o'clock Saturday sound?

- Will your mom be driving?
- My parents are dead.

Oh.

Okay then.
Saturday at 2:00.

- I'll wear sunscreen.
- Great.

I mean, good.
S... see you then.

Oh, wait. Charlie,
don't you need my number?

Call the front desk later.
I need to go right now.

I don't know.
I guess I just don't get it.

You haven't gone on a date
in years, right?

- So why her? Why now?
- I don't know.

She was so angry.

Beside herself.
Completely out of control.

- It was thrilling.
- Uff. I don't get that at all.

It's like she's everything
I've ever avoided.

- I'm drawn to her like a moth.
- To a flame.

Charlie, the end of that phrase
is to a burning, deadly flame.

Yeah, I... I get it.

What is there to decide?

All your shirts look the same.

Why do all your shirts
look the same?

No compliments.

Does she know?
Does Francesca...

Are you kidding?
Hi, I'm Charlie.

I'm medically forbidden
to have fun.

You wanna go out?

Pass the tacks.

No.

Come on, Charlie.
It's too gruesome.

It works.

[sighs]
Fine.

Listen, you put
as many office supplies

in the bottom of your shoe
as you want.

Eventually,
she's gonna find out.

Dates are supposed to be fun.

Not this one.

The only good thing to come
of my grandmother's Alzheimer's

was that it helped her forget
her miserable life.

She was raised in a Hooverville

on the wrong side
of the wrong side of the tracks.

The kind of place
where dreams go to die

and hope,
hope is smothered

in its crib.

- Is he a friend of yours?
- No.

See Mildred Munch
didn't have hope.

She didn't have dreams

so she didn't have
nothing to lose.

Norman, you son of a bitch.
You get a job.

You get a job
or you're gonna get a new wife.

Those are empty threats, just
like you're an empty person..

Were there good reviews?

I didn't check.

You're not a man,
you're a hulk.

[grunts]

No, please, I..

[groans]

Why not?

And that, dear friends,
is when Mildred Munch

my Bubbie Millie turned..

...to prostitution.

[buzzer buzzes]

Hand jobs!

Seriously, why are we here?

- Hand jobs! First one's free!
- Huh?

[laughs]
Why are we here?

- Shh.
- I'm sorry.

Is my play interrupting
your conversation?

No.

'Cause I didn't buy a ticket
to your conversation.

- So sorry. We, we're done.
- Yeah.

- We're.. Uh, please, continue.
- Sorry.

Thank you for permission
to continue my play, sir.

I very much appreciate it.

I'll just hop back
into the moment..

We should go. I'm sorry.

...I'll just pretend
that I'm not

completely distracted right now.

I'm sorry.

How about I skip
to the part where

uh, her first-born dies
of common diarrhea?

I said diarrhea!

I said diarrhea.

- Diarrhea!
- Alright. Yeah.

I... I know.

I know, but to be fair to him

we did kind of...

- Diarrhea?
- Yeah, diarrhea.

Look, I kind of feel for him.

- Where are we?
- Uh, it's, uh..

Are we, are we in danger?

Oh, it's starting to feel
that way, yeah.

Hold onto me,
so you don't get kidnapped.

[instrumental music]

So tell me about your sick aunt.

Wow, you flirt weird.

[chuckles]
Sorry.

It seemed important. It's
something you're going through.

Yeah, sometimes it's nice
not to be going through it.

Yeah, of course, it is,
but I'm an idiot

so just ignore me.
You'll have way more fun.

It's alright.

Since we're on the subject..

...it is hard.

She's like my second mother

after my real mother died
of the same thing.

Breast cancer runs in my family
like hammertoes.

So... I've got that
to look forward to.

Look who's being fun now.

I'm sorry, Francesca.
That's awful.

Thank you.

It's not all bad. I've gotten
really close with Sylvia

since I've been living with her

which I guess means
it's gonna hurt

that much more when she, um..

Well, that will burn New York
for me.

Are you gonna leave?

Oh, yeah. But I always do.

I lost somebody close to me
when I was young.

My Grandpa Jacob, he was like
my best friend growing up.

We had the same, uh..
We had a lot in common.

Every Sunday, he'd take me out
to the carousel

let me go round and round
as many times as I wanted

even after he had to stop,
you know.

I think that's the happiest
that I've ever been.

Are you happy now?

Not as happy as Mildred Munch.

Diarrhea.

- Common diarrhea.
- Common.

- Not even special diarrhea.
- Nope, common.

- You didn't have one.
- Exactly.

On the wrong side
of the wrong side of the tracks.

The wrong side of the wrong side
of the tracks.

Like Troy McClure.

I can't believe
you took me to that play.

Nor can I.

This is me.

So, uh, my aunt
should still be at karate

if you wanna come up
for a drink.

A drink? It's 3:30.

Yes, it is.

It's not about the drink,
Charlie.

Sure, why not?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know, I see now
why you insisted on a matinee.

We have more energy
for messin' around.

[dramatic music]

Char... Charlie?

Oh, my God. Charlie!

Charlie!

[sirens wailing]

[indistinct announcement
on PA system]

[elevator dings]

Oh, come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, I'm looking
for, uh, Charles Greene.

Are you here for Charlie?

I'm Francesca.

Oh, Jesus. No wonder.

Sorry.

Hi. Cooper, brother.

Oh.

So how'd it go?

What do you mean?
We ended up here.

Right.
Have you heard anything?

Uh, just that
he didn't break his neck

which I guess is good.

Yeah. I guess you two
really hit it off, huh?

Well, yeah. I mean, I think..
I thought so.

I... I don't know.

I mean, we were headed upstairs
and he just dropped.

He, like, I think he fainted
from the heat or something?

Yeah. Yep. From the heat.
Yeah, probably.

You know, that's super common
because you gotta...

Well, good news.

Charlie's got
a pretty nasty cut

and his head's gonna ache
for a while

but there's no fractures,
so all in all

we feel he got off lucky
this time.

- This time?
- Yeah...

You know what,
Charlie's, uh, got a thing.

And it's a condition,
according to some

but to others,
it's an adorable quirk.

It's a disease likely caused

by the shortage of hypocretin
in his brain.

It's a chemical signal that
makes most of us stay awake.

Essentially,
Charlie's body gets tricked

to think that it's asleep.

Well, adorable quirk.

Disease.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

So, that was crazy.

I guess I must have fainted.
I need to hydrate.

Charlie, I know.

What's it called?

Cataplexy.

Technically,
narcolepsy with cataplexy.

Runs in the family.

Your Grampa Jacob?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Growing up, I... I thought
he slept all the time

'cause he was old

and then it started
happening to me.

Pretty much any strong emotion
will trigger it.

In my case, it's..

...it's mainly when I'm happy.

So thank you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Uh, well, I had a girlfriend
in college

Alice, and, uh, she knew.

But she didn't really know,
you know.

And because she was my first

I didn't know
what would actually happen

when we finally, um..

Oh, when you..

Oh! Oh, wow!

That's, it's not funny.

Oh, come on,
it's a little bit funny.

- It's not at all..
- I mean, what..

Not in the least bit funny.

- I'm sorry.
- Jesus Christ.

Okay. You're right.
It is not funny.

You know,
I came to naked on my back..

...surrounded by EMTs,
the RA, half the dorm.

- Alice thought I'd died.
- Oh.

I mostly steered clear
of girlfriends since then.

I... I can't afford
the insurance.

Today was a really big deal
for you, wasn't it?

It was a really big deal
for me too.

Remember I never date guys
I think I have a future with?

Let's quit while we're ahead.

I took a risk.
It was obviously a bad idea.

Oh, hey, don't worry about it.

We'll just take it slow.
We'll stick to really boring...

It's not gonna work.

Wait, like, um,
the botanical gardens...

It's not gonna work.
It's not that simple.

Symposiums, lectures,
Roosevelt Island...

Please... stop.

- I need to check you again.
- Sure.

Look, I had a really good time
with you.

I just wanna remember it
that way.

Alright.
Look at me, please.

Pain, scale of one to ten,
ten is highest?

Uh, two.

- Alright. Any chills?
- Um, no.

- Dizziness?
- No.

- No? Headache?
- Not anymore.

[instrumental music]

"'How about his old bunny?'
the boy's governess asked.

"'That, ' said the doctor.

"'Why, it's a mass
of scarlet fever germs.

"Burn it at once!'

"And so the little rabbit
was put into a sack

"with the old picture books
and a lot of rubbish

"and carried out
to the end of the garden.

That was a fine place
to have a bonfire."

This story is sad.
Read something funny.

- Yeah, funny.
- Yeah, funny.

Look, this story is actually
about something.

- Funny!
- Boo!

- Really?
- Throw it in the bonfire.

Alright.
I'll try this little baby here.

This one is called
"Where Did My Sweet Grandma Go?"

Okay. Alright, alright!
Time for a potty break, gang.

Yeah, you know
what's goin' on.

When we come back,
maybe Mr. Charlie will read

"Walter The Farting Dog," huh?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Farts! Farts! Farts!
- Farts! Farts! Farts!

For your information

Walter farts because
he's been fed human food.

- It's actually very sad.
- This field trip sucks.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
Not nice, Deangelo. Okay?

Mr. Charlie's
havin' a grumpy day.

Ignore him, Charlie.
His dads are gettin' a divorce.

Hmm. Oh, my God.

- Oh, what is she doing here?
- Nothing good.

- What's up?
- Hey.

Cool.

How you doin', Charlie?

- Uh..
- I... I feel terrible.

You had a nice,
depressing date planned

and I ruined it and made you
crack your head open.

- I think you should go.
- Wait. Is everything okay?

I don't know how to answer that.

You're back at work.

Fine,
then everything's stupendous.

Look, I know,
you wanted to take things slow

and I messed it up.

I... I just..

I think
I... I tried to get physical

because I was trying to escape

the emotional connection
we were having and...

Fran, stop it, please?

I don't wanna do this.
I can't do it.

If you're looking
for a boyfriend, I'm not him.

Oh, come on, Charlie,
I'm just trying to figure out

why I do this thing.

You wanna have fun?
You want to escape?

- Look, meet my brother.
- Wait, what?

I... I don't want
another relationship, Charlie.

That's fine.
You won't get one.

I guarantee within six weeks,
he is out of there.

Six weeks is forty two days.

Yes, awesome multiplication,
Frederick.

You believe this kid?
Five years old.

He's a hot male
kindergarten teacher.

Look at that jawline.
Snap him up.

Hey, Cooper, do me a favor.

Take this lovely lady
out for a coffee.

Tell her about the time you went
skydiving with Liza Minnelli.

Correction,
it was a small Asian man

who looked like Liza Minnelli.

I'm so confused,
and frankly a little offended.

I don't wanna get coffee
with your brother. No offense.

Then go for tea or popsicles

or don't go at all.
I don't care.

Just, please, leave me alone.

- Jeff Cho.
- What?

His name was Jeff Cho.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, man,
that was such a mistake.

What was I hopin' to hear?

"Oh, you tried to kill me,
but that's alright. We're cool."

Look, I know you feel bad.

Take it from me.
Charlie's gonna be fine.

He's used to this.
I've seen that guy pass out

after he caught a fish, okay?

One time he found a prize
at the bottom of a box

of Corn Pops. Gone.

Every time the Jets win,
which luckily is very rare...

Oh, phew. For a second there,
I thought I was special.

Oh, you know what I mean.
Come on.

I do, and I am very comforted
by your insults.

- Great.
- Thanks, Cooper.

Is that a family name?
I've never heard that before.

- Named after the dog.
- That's not true.

It is true. 100%.

Yeah, it was a Saint Bernard.

He died
just before I was born

and Charlie started
callin' me Cooper.

I guess I was a hairy baby.

[laughs]

Well, thanks for the pep talk.

See you around.

Hey, where are you headed?

- Uh, Cobble Hill.
- That's great.

That's right on our way.
We'll give you a ride.

- Okay.
- Just a heads up.

The ride's
a big yellow school bus.

Oh.

Yeah, alright. Sure.

Okay. Here we go.

Hey, Deangelo.
I got a new bus buddy.

I guess she just wanted
a chance to say

all the things
she didn't say to you.

It was actually
kind of a word flood.

Do you wanna hear?

- No, not really.
- Yeah, I don't blame you.

Leave it in the past.

We, uh, actually ended up
hittin' it off.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, she's a big laugher.

I don't think
I'm that funny, but..

Come on, you're funny.
I like your De Niro.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

- "Cape Fear."
- Do a line.

I made him an offer
he couldn't refuse.

- That's Brando.
- It's eventually him, right?

Him before, yeah. I guess.

- Kind of.
- Yeah.

Do, like, uh, "Goodfellas."

- "Look who's talkin' too!"
- Jesus Christ.

No, I know
that one's not right.

"Were you talkin' to me?"

That's honestly awful.

Anyway, I thought, uh..

I don't know.
I might ask her out.

- Francesca?
- Yeah.

You know, just,
if you're cool with it.

- Yeah, I'm cool with it. Yeah.
- Good, 'cause I don't wanna..

No, of course, sure.
Be my guest.

You two are perfect together.

- You sure?
- Yeah, I said I'm sure.

Alright.

[indistinct chatter]

A can of your cheapest beer,
please.

Cooper, what a nice surprise.

Alright. This place is great.

Looks like it hasn't changed
in 50 years.

Oh, you should see what it costs
to make it look that way.

Oh, yeah? Are you the owner?

- Me? No.
- Oh.

I'm the day manager.
You know, easy come, easy go.

Oh. Still drinkin' Pabst
in this neighborhood.

We get it. It's terrible.
You're hilarious!

[chuckles]

Split it with me?

No, no,
I can't drink on the job.

Should have been
a kindergarten teacher.

Maybe, uh, maybe another time?

Uh, I'm gonna take a break
from men for a while.

Especially since
I almost killed the last one.

Last two,
come to think of it.

Well, you are in luck.

I've been told
I'm very difficult to kill.

I do enjoy talking to you,

and, um, I do find you charming

in a sort of like Saint Bernard
kind of way.

- Yeah.
- But Charlie..

Hey, he's the one who set us up.

I checked with him
and he's cool.

I wouldn't be here
if he wasn't.

- Hey, Francesca?
- Yeah?

Is it okay
if I take my break early?

I need to call my grandmother

but there's a group
of drunk bike messengers

who keep yelling the word
titties in the background.

Of course, sweetheart.

Hi, I'm Bethany.

I like your shirt.
Is it pima cotton?

I, uh, don't know.

Oh. You would know
if it was pima.

Pima cotton feels like
baby hair.

Yeah, I guess it doesn't feel
like baby hair.

Must be Egyptian cotton then,
which is also nice.

- Phew.
- Yeah.

Whoo.

Phew.

Okay, bye.

Hey, hear me out.

Uh, how would you feel
if we set up Charlie

with someone
a little more his speed?

I went to a seminar last night
on the history of sandals.

It was called, uh,
"Walk 10,000 Years In My Shoes."

Bethany?
Sounds like the kind of girl

who had her own horse
growing up.

No, I... I don't know
about that.

I met her at the bar
where Francesca works.

She's nothing like Francesca.
She's more, uh, restrained.

- Oh, like shy?
- No. No, not exactly.

Just, uh, she's not real
in your face.

You know, actually, she...
she's kind of hard to hear.

Cooper,
you don't have to do this.

You can date Francesca
without finding me a sub.

I'll be honest.
It started out that way

but no joke,
this chick is perfect for you.

One I can picture in sweatpants?

Dude,
full top to bottom sweat suit.

Now that's just creepy.
I'm not sure, man.

The last thing I need right now
is to get overexcited again.

Yeah, bro. I don't think
that's gonna be a problem.

No?

Hello.

I was wondering if you could
point me to the section

of your library
dealing with amaranth?

Amaranth, the grain?

Yes.

The ancient grain
cultivated by the Aztecs

now enjoying
a quinoa-like comeback

thanks to its high protein
content and nutty flavor.

- Uh, sure. Right this way.
- Okay.

Ah, here.

"Amaranth And You."

It seems to have a lot of..

...historical information
as well as recipes.

- Thanks, Charlie.
- You're welcome. What?

- Oh. Ah, I'm Bethany.
- Oh.

They said
we'd have a lot in common.

Right.
I guess they were right.

- 'Cause you like books.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I love them.

I love the smell of them.

- Mm-hmm.
- The old books.

Yeah, that, you know,
that's called furfural.

- Furfural?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- And furfural and vanillin.

It's like, uh,
they're volatile compounds

released by, uh,
decomposing paper and glue.

There's probably some mold
in there as well.

Some people find it
very, uh, you know...

- Romantic.
- Romantic, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

So, um, how does
amaranth and chickpeas

with spring lamb sound?

- Are you asking me out?
- No.

No, I... I was just asking

if that's something I should
make if you asked me out.

Alright. Bethany, would you
like to go out some time?

Oh.

Okay.

Good.

Friday?

Friday
I have yarn-making class.

I'd skip it, but we're about
to take on alpaca, so..

Oh, yeah. Uh, Saturday?

- Saturday's great.
- Yeah.

I'll make amaranth.

- Look..
- Please.

I like her.

She's pleasant.

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly
what she is.

- She's pleasant.
- Right?

I met her, I said

"My God,
that is one pleasant girl."

Yeah,
so we'll see how that goes.

You goin' out with Francesca?

Ooh, Mr. Cooper's
got a girlfriend.

- Muah, muah, muah.
- Muah, muah, muah.

Alright. You know
I don't like labels, Deangelo.

You all know that.

And, yes, I am going out
with Miss Francesca

on Saturday night.

Though where, I don't know.

You gotta help me out.
What's this chick like to do?

Don't ask me.
You're the one dating her.

- You set us up.
- Technically, sure.

Look, she's intimidating, okay?

I feel like

sometimes we're havin'
three conversations at once

and I can't follow
one of them, you know.

Alright, look, I know
she's really into Bauhaus.

There's an Oskar Schlemmer
retrospective right now at MoMA.

That's exactly
what I'm talkin' about.

I need somethin' fun.
I need a good distraction.

It doesn't take much
and this chick... goes dark.

Yeah, Cooper, she's having
a tough time with her aunt.

I know. I know,
and it's super sad. It is.

So let's stop talkin' about it
already.

I need to pee-pee.

Yeah, you and me both,
Frederick.

Alright, come on, guys.
Pick up the pace.

High knees, huh? Let's go.

How about just going somewhere..

...uh, noisy?

[rock music]

- How's your pisco sour?
- What?

The pisco sour. Good?

Only for about six months.

Before that,
I was in San Francisco.

Have you been?

It's so good.

Yeah, so tangy.

♪ Hey-yah ♪♪

[laughing]

No one saw it coming.

Here everyone had psyched
themselves up for alpaca

and the teacher breaks out
yak wool.

One guy had to take a time out.

Oh, sounds intense.
Thank you.

Crazy intense.

I guess from now on, I better
not get too comfortable.

Not if you know
what's good for you.

So, this is, um,
amaranth and chickpeas.

But no lamb.
Sorry, I... I felt bad.

Oh, no. That's... that's fine.

It looks amazing.
Thank you so much for cooking.

Oh, you're welcome.

I like to cook
in other people's kitchens.

It's like a little window
into their souls.

Ah, what did you see in mine?

Extremely dull knives.

That's more accurate
than you'll ever know.

Mm! It's good.

- Do you have kids?
- What? No.

No, why... why would you..

I saw you have some foam

taped to the corner
of that table over there.

Well, that's just what
my sister does

for her son
who's learning to walk.

- Goddammit.
- Oh.

- I don't mind kids, so..
- It's not that, Bethany.

Alright, there's something
you deserve to know.

I have cataplexy which means
that I can pass out

any time I feel strong emotions.

Strong emotions?

- Like what do you...
- It could be anything.

Like fear, anger, surprise,
all of that.

In my case, it's mainly..

It's mainly joy.

Oh. That's horrible.

Yeah, it's not great,
but listen

there's nothing
saying I can't feel

mild, tepid emotions.

I can go to town on those.

Oh, gosh.

Did I get you too worked up
about the yarn?

Um, nope.

I guess we all have
something weird about us.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sexually attracted
to Bob Newhart.

[rock music]

- What?
- "Rock Lobster!"

[laughing]

- Come on!
- Okay!

"Rock Lobster!"

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ We were at a party ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ His earlobe fell in the deep ♪

♪ Someone reached in
and grabbed it ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It was a rock lobster ♪

♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪

- ♪ Rock lobster ♪
- ♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪♪

I brought over some movies,
but now I'm wondering.

Have you seen "Secret Of NIMH?"

I was such a basket case
at the end of that.

I think I'll be okay.

I'm sitting down already.

I think
we should play it safe.

Oh, hey.

We have shared
the incommunicable

experience of war.

In our youths, our hearts
were touched with fire.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪♪

The Civil War was fought
in 10,000 places

from Valverde, New Mexico,
and Tullahoma, Tennessee

to Saint Albans, Vermont

and Fernandina
on the Florida coast.

More than three million
Americans fought in it..

This is nice.
I feel really comfortable.

Two percent of the population
died in it.

Yeah, me too.

American churches
sheltered the dying..

- Ah.
- Whoo!

Uh, let me get you a cab.
Or we could share?

- You know, just..
- Hold on, it's my aunt.

Is she waitin' up for you?

Not waiting up.
More like throwing up.

Oh, shit.

Um, alright.

Come back to my place,
open a bottle of wine.

- I can't. I gotta check on her.
- Of course.

Uh, you know, I could help.

- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.

Um, and besides,
I'd like to keep this separate.

- Us separate, if that's okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, think of me
as your... your weekend escape.

- Okay.
- Uh, also free weekdays, so..

But no pressure. Um..

I'll probably just walk it.

[indistinct chatter on video]

What are you..

Ah, crap, this hurts.
How far am I?

...your knee is facing up
and your toes are facing in.

- About 3 feet.
- Oh.

This girl says she can teach you
to do the splits in a day.

That girl is nine years old,
Sylvia.

Cocky little shit.

I'd like to see her do this

after 60 years
of lying around.

Oh, um, I wanna talk to you
about something.

Yeah? What is it?

Well, if I'm gonna have
a mastectomy

I'm thinking
about getting implants.

Really big ones.
Like double Ds.

Like proper gazongas.

That's what you wanted
to talk to me about?

Well, I wanted to prepare you.

Well, thank you.

Do whatever makes you happy.

So, uh, how's it going
with Pooper?

Cooper! It's going great.

It was a little bit weird
dating Charlie's brother

but to be honest,
I'm kind of glad he ended it.

Yeah, you're already
taking care of one invalid.

I mean, once I found out
about his situation

I didn't wanna risk
hurting him again, you know.

Yeah, you were
only thinking of him.

And... and... and Cooper
is so much more my speed.

I mean, he is so much fun.

He makes me laugh so much.

So what's next on my list?

Oh, um, here we go.

You wanna go to one of those

"second floor
Asian massage places

near Penn Station
and see if they actually do it."

- It?
- You know..

Wah! It!

[laughing]

Seriously? Whatever happened
to hiking Machu Picchu?

Oh! What hike?
I almost died!

- You whore!
- Cut..

[coughing]

Alright, just breathe.

[coughing]

Give me that!

Oh, you..

Two to you.

You bringing Bethany to Liza's
on Thursday?

- She's dyin' to meet her.
- Uh, I guess so, yeah.

- You bringing Francesca?
- Yeah, probably.

Well, it's, uh, it's actually
a talk-heavy situation.

Did I tell you
my newest discovery?

Movie dates.

[laughs] Movie dates have actually
been around for some time.

Yeah, 'cause they're amazing.

You talk too much,
you get shushed.

That's very clever.

You know what,
I think at some point

you might have to actually
talk to the woman you're dating.

I guess, especially since
we're apparently

waiting to have sex.

- What?
- Yeah.

I haven't jerked it this much
since high school.

Interestingly, I found

I've gone straight back
to Mexican telenovelas.

Oh! "La Fuerza Del Destino?"

[speaking in Spanish]

Anyway, I guess it's because
of what happened with you.

Why? Why?
What happened with me?

Well, she said
she wants to stop using sex

as a substitute for intimacy

or maybe
it was the other way around.

I don't know.
Anyway, it's all your fault!

Yes. Yes!

- Oh, shit.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I got you, brother. I got you.

- He alright?
- Yeah. He's alright. Yep.

Uh, here we have
the Temple of the Great Jaguar

or the Temple Ah Cacao.

It's a funerary pyramid

from the Postclassic
classic period.

Phenomenal. Just phenomenal.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]
...to you for sharing.

In 1962, they found the tomb
of the great Mayan ruler

Jasaw Chan K'awiil.

This is gonna take
a K'a-while longer.

K'a-kill me now.

And here we're moving
into the North Acropolis

which is just beside
the Great Plaza.

Do you have any maps? I'm having
trouble tracking the layout.

There's a great
topographic survey coming up.

Marv, where are the beach pics?

You guys do anything
other than climb around

old piles of rubble?

All the recreational photos

come after the intermission.

- Honey?
- What?

- What?
- Did he say intermission?

We might need to do some shots.

That's what
the intermission is for.

- Oh, Lord.
- Ah.

That's similar
to the other pyramids

I've shown you.

This is a map
just to give you a little bit

of the lay of the land.
There's Tikal.

- Wake up.
- I'm not sleeping.

- You were snoring.
- I was not.

Then maybe it was me.

Am I dreaming now?

You'll know if I'm dreaming

if I start having sex
with Nala from "Lion King."

Don't laugh.
This was my first crush.

You'll be out of breath
around stair four.

So is Belize
on 110 or 220 volt electricity?

110, same as the US.

Huh, really? In spite
of the British influence?

You know, that's fascinating,
really.

Wow, you're not kidding.

[whistling]

You sure are
in a good mood today.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess. This was fun.

Are you on a new med?

No. I mean,
I had a full-strength latte.

- Why do you ask?
- Just..

I don't know.

You seemed so happy just
yuckin' it up with Francesca

and I was pretty sure
you couldn't even talk to her.

That was before that.

...like,
"Oh, she's staying out there."

Oh.

So what?
You're not happy at all?

No. No, I guess
I'm just unhappy enough.

It's weird.
Suddenly I can be around her.

Hmm.
And that makes you happy?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Oh.

Cooper's your shoe tack?

- Come on. Does he know?
- No.

No, he doesn't,
and I don't want you to tell him

'cause that would make it weird.

Yeah, that would make it weird.

Is he holding out? Right?

Dude, she's smokin'.

I mean, you know that
I'm all about the boys, but I..

Uff, I would.

- Hey.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa! What?

- We need to talk.
- Right now?

Yeah.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm literally dying
from blue balls.

Seriously? Can this wait?

A man has needs, Charlie

and I would think
that a woman does, too, but..

Did that sting?

Like I've told you,
she's having a rough time...

I know. I know she is.

I know and I feel for her.
I do.

I just don't know
that I'm the guy.

I don't know that I'm cut out
for this, you know.

- I think we need to break up.
- No!

No, absolutely not.

Look, you're getting along
okay otherwise, right?

- Yeah.
- Now she's having problems.

And you are helping a person
with her problems.

Don't just throw her away
so that we never see her again.

- We?
- You.

Yeah, no. No, yeah. Right.

You're saying it's about her,
it's not about me.

It's definitely not about you.

Oh, okay.

- I can get to know her better.
- That's an idea.

- She is interesting.
- Right.

- Does not own a TV.
- Get out.

No, really doesn't own a TV.

Wow. There you are.

Look at this as a chance
to... to better yourself.

Learn to cook,
take tango classes.

Better still, I'll hook you up
with a library card.

- Okay.
- Right?

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, this is gonna be good.
It's gonna be good.

I read the "New Yorker"
at the dentist.

I own corduroys.
I can do this!

I have faith in you.

Plus, when we do have sex..

[grunting]

- I have less faith.
- Yeah.

- Thanks, brother.
- You're welcome.

- I couldn't do it without you.
- I know.

- Whoa.
- Sorry. It's the blue balls.

Marvin, thank you so much.
That was, uh, that was thorough.

It was my pleasure, and sorry

I couldn't get that audio track
set up in time.

It's really the groan
of the howler monkey

that puts you back
into the jungle.

It's like, it's...

Oh, hey!
We're fine. We're fine.

Oh, you know what?

Did you guys ever use

those groomsmen's presents
we got you?

- Uh..
- Um, no.

- Not yet.
- What is it?

We got them each a night
at this B&B up in Rhinebeck.

And especially for Charlie.

It's, uh, pretty boring
out there.

Sounds great.

But anyway, I was thinking
it would be kind of fun

if you guys
all went together though.

Yeah. I don't... I don't know.
I don't need to...

- Oh, let's do it.
- Why not?

- We could go apple picking.
- Are apples in season?

Uh, berry picking.

As long as we pick somethin',
right?

Uh, that sounds like fun.
I mean, why not, right?

Why not?

- Sure. Why not?
- Why not?

Why not?

♪ Whoo ♪♪

[upbeat music]

- Oh, my..
- This is it! This is it!

- Do you guys see it?
- This is it! This is it!

Left. Left. Left. Left turn!

- Oh, here?
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Alright!
- Hey!

Alright, babe.
Alright, alright.

- Oh, thank goose.
- Yep, thank goose.

- I'm so relieved to be alive.
- Alright.

Apollo 13
had an easier landing.

- Need a hand?
- Yes, please.

Well, it's beautiful.

I vote we stay here
for the rest of our lives

and never get
in that car again.

We got here, didn't we?
What a bunch of little bitches.

Yeah, little bitches who would
like to survive the weekend.

Thank you.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, it's my cello in case
we wanna have a singalong.

Can... can you sing along
to cello?

- You can do anything you want.
- Attagirl.

Let me, let me. Ah!

Would you mind?
Thanks a lot.

Oh, oh, please be careful.
It's an antique.

Hey, we... we'll get this stuff.
You guys go check in, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.

- You got everything?
- Yeah.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Yeah?

You sure you're okay with this?

- With what?
- With me and Francesca.

You guys
are actin' kind of funny.

No, yeah, of course.
I told you. It's fine.

We went on, what, one date?
And half of that in the ER.

It's... it's in the past.
I'm with Bethany now.

Okay. Good, 'cause I think
this weekend's it.

It?

[speaking in Spanish]

- Yeah.
- Congratulations.

- What's the occasion?
- There's no occasion.

I'm just gettin' that vibe
she's ready, you know.

Lord knows I've been ready.

I tell you I'm off telenovelas?
I'm on to the food network.

Had a big old week
with that Rachel Ray.

That's upsetting.

- Giada De Laurentiis, maybe.
- Really?

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, we're all checked in.
This place is great.

You're gonna love our room.

It's like something
out of a "Nancy Drew" novel.

Oh, I'm not sure
what that means, but..

- Mm.
- Mm.

Is that... just... little kisses?

Alright!

Those two aren't wastin'
any time.

Oh, gosh, I'm such a skank.

By all means, carry on.

I think, uh,
we're gonna take a nap.

Oh, no. Wait! Wait! Wait!

Already? We just got here.

Actually, I'm feeling
kind of carsick too.

Come on. We haven't come
all this way just to sleep.

Let's go, uh,
let's go antiquing.

- Antiquing?
- Yeah.

Since when do you antique?

Are you kidding?
I love old crap.

Could use another butter churn.

You know, why not?
Let's check out the town.

We'll sleep tonight.
Let's do it.

We'll just.. Yeah.

What?

- Oh, dang. It is muggy.
- Hmm.

Why didn't we take the car
again?

Because Francesca's driving
and we value our lives.

It's not my fault
New Yorkers drive so slow.

Literally, no one else
has ever thought that.

Liza was right.
This place is boring.

Hey, well, how about this one?

Ooh, it says shop.

Phenomenal.

Yeah, I... I just wish
there were more

racist lawn jockeys.

What?

You know, I'm... I'm about
ready to head back.

No way.

Is that a trombone
that someone turned into a lamp?

- Amazing.
- Oh, my God!

My aunt had a tea set
just like this.

Oh, my God,
is she an Oompa Loompa?

- Yes, she is.
- Good for her.

[gasps]
And this mixer. We had this!

This thing is so loud,
it would wake me

out of a dead sleep
whenever she made pancakes.

Speaking of,
anybody feelin' snacky?

I saw a taco place a couple...

Did you live with Sylvia
growing up?

Uh, on and off.

It was really cool being a kid
and getting to come visit

your fancy aunt
in New York City.

I got to spend
an entire summer with her.

It wasn't until later
that I realized

it was so I wouldn't be around

um, to see my mom getting chemo.

- Wh... when did she die?
- I was 17, senior year.

Uff, super sad.

I dropped out and I, uh,
just started traveling.

I wanted to be
a million miles from there.

- Never really came home again.
- Huh.

Well, I guess Sylvia is my home.

She sounds like
a fantastic lady.

She is a pain in the ass.
But I love her.

- Oh, hey. Charlie?
- Yeah?

Could you give me a hand
with this?

I... I got you, Bethany.

Just, I'm a lot taller.

Ooh, look at this sweet baby.

Do you think we should, uh..

Come on, it's an instrument.
It's for playing.

Yeah.

Oh, man.
I guess it's broken.

Oh, wait, look.
It's not plugged in.

Yes!

Have you ever seen such
a nice display of birds' eggs?

Okay, try it now.

[organ music]

Alright!

Hey, I didn't know you play.

- Six years with Senora Paredes.
- Wow!

Do that, do that again.

Guys,
that's really goddamn loud.

Uh-huh.

Look! Oh!

Now he comes.

That organ's 50 years old!

[organ music]

♪ The world showed
no compassion to me ♪

♪ Oh pitiful creature
of darkness ♪

♪ What kind of life
have you known? ♪

- ♪ Oh oh oh ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪

Did they rehearse this?

- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪♪

Char, come on.
Get out of the tub.

Unhand me, you lout!

- Get out..
- Unhand me, you lout!

Oh! Never! No!

- Are you gonna stop?
- Yes, I will. I'll stop.

[laughing]

I know. I know.

Maybe you need to slow down.
I'm not saying anything.

- I'm not saying anything.
- No, no, no.

You're the one who brought up
the librarian convention.

Come on, you gotta tell me.
What is that like?

You wanna hear about that?

It's like, uh, tons of sex

tons of booze,
tons of drugs,

all in orthopedic footwear.

- It is.
- More wine?

Yeah, more wine. Thank you.

- That's the...
- In sensible shoes.

Yeah, sensible shoes. Yeah.

Hey, you wanna hear
a Charlie story?

Uh, he ever tell you that, uh

he won the sixth grade
talent show?

Mnh-mnh. This story's no good.

You don't wanna hear this story.

Come on, you're bein' modest.

You had the crowd on their feet.

I wanna hear.
What was your talent?

Um..

Come on,
what was your talent?

Uh, Tracy Turwel and I did the..

...the big scene
from "Streetcar Named Desire."

- You were Stanley Kowalski?
- I was.

- Stella!
- Yeah, thank you.

- Sorry, everyone.
- Sorry.

- Yes. Yes, no, exactly.
- Thank you.

That was fantastic, yeah.

- Uh, only...
- That was better.

Yes,
that was two octaves lower.

Because Charlie's
an 11-year-old boy

whose voice has not changed.

So there's a 4 foot,
80 pound kid on stage

screaming, "Stella!"

- Hot.
- Wow, thanks.

Yeah, that's not
even the best part.

- It is the best part.
- No.

I made grown men weep.
What could be better?

You blew the competition away.
That could be better.

The girl who played
"Stairway To Heaven" on her oboe

the boy who did the foxtrot
with his mom.

These... these are true.

But Charlie, you know,

the... the modest boy
that he is, sits quietly.

He hears his name
called as the winner.

- He practically levitates...
- Cooper. Cooper.

- He sprints down the aisle...
- Cooper.

Come on.
He almost gets to the stage

and right then, bam!

He's out like a light.

He takes a head-first dive
into the orchestra pit.

Splits his head open.

There's blood everywhere

kids are screamin',
fire trucks arrive.

Long story short,
long story short.

They cancel class
for the rest of the day.

Now that is a talent.

[sobs]
It's so sad.

Hey, no. God, no.

No, look, I... I won. I won.

- Nice work.
- What's the matter with you?

Ah, everybody loved him for it.

[sobs]

Oh, come on.

Hey. Hey.

[sobbing]

Growing up,
I had this cat named Greg.

He had feline epilepsy.

Oh.

My brothers
had this strobe light

that they got from Radio Shack
and they would put it on him

to make him have seizures
on purpose.

They said he was breakdancing.

- God, kids are assholes.
- Yeah.

Charlie reminds me
a lot of Greg.

Oh.

Right in here.

Well, I don't know
about anybody else

but, uh, ooh,
this walk down memory lane

has got me pooped.

What do you say we, uh,
we hit the hay, huh?

- We haven't had dessert yet.
- I'm stuffed.

They've got some pretty good
ports over there.

- I prefer sherry.
- But..

Or cello! We... we haven't had
our singalong.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Greg loved it when I played.

It was the only thing
that stopped his seizures.

Mm.

By all means.

Let's hear some cello.

[cello music]

♪ Another head hangs lowly ♪

♪ Child is slowly taken ♪

♪ When the violence
caused such silence ♪

♪ Who are we mistaken? ♪

♪ But you see it's not me ♪

♪ It's not my family ♪

♪ In your head in your head ♪

♪ We are fighting ♪

♪ With their tanks
and their bombs ♪

♪ And their bombs
and their guns ♪

♪ In your head in your head ♪

♪ They are fighting ♪

♪ What's in your head ♪

♪ In your head ♪

♪ Zombie zombie zombie-ie-ie ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Ya-ya ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ya ♪♪

Now on to the fun portion
of the evening..

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- Ooh.
- Here we go.

- Whoo!
- Na-na-na-na.

Wow, this is the speed..

[scatting]

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

You've got my robe?

Yeah, come on.

Perfect fit.

- Baby.
- What's up?

Don't get your man musk
on it, please.

- Oh! No!
- Oh, too late.

[laughter]

Make it stop. Please, please
make it stop. Hey.

[clears throat]

- Hello there.
- Hey.

Whoa. Are those deer?

Sexy deer.

Sexy deer. Yeah, they are.

And you're, uh, whatever
hungry animal eats deer.

Mountain lion.

A hungry mountain lion.

[growls]

No, much lower.

[growls lower]

Less throaty.

- Argh, what?
- Argh.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Argh. Okay.

Argh.

- What?
- I'm... I'm the deer.

Oh, cool.

No, you're supposed
to come to me.

- As the lion, right.
- Yeah.

[both growling]

Yeah, that's good.

Are you really hungry?

- I am hungry.
- Yeah.

- Yes! Ah!
- Get on over here!

[yelps]

[low growl]

You ready?

I'm ready.

[groaning]

Are you getting overexcited?

Ah, good so far.

Yeah!

[laughter]

[yelping]

[growling]

Ooh! Oh, yeah.

[moaning]

[grunts]

[shatters]

Oh, hello.

It's always the quiet ones.

[knock on door]

- Cooper! Cooper!
- What?

It's Charlie!
It's an emergency.

Oh, come on.

- Charlie.
- Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

Charlie!
Hey, are you alright?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I,
I think I just had a seizure.

- Oh, no.
- Just like Greg.

A seizure?
Normally, you just go limp.

I guess this time
I had a seizure.

- We should call an ambulance.
- No. No ambulance.

That's, uh..
Look, I'm... I'm fine, honestly.

Yeah, you know, Charlie,
seizures are deadly serious.

- Yeah.
- You ought to be monitored.

No, 'cause..

Look, Coop,
I... I think it's passed.

You know what? Better safe
than sorry. I'm calling.

- No! No!
- Yep. Yeah, I'm gonna call.

No ambulance! No..

Look at that. I feel better.

- Yeah, well, so it seems.
- Hmm.

Guess that means
we can all go back to bed now.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Uh, I'm so sorry
for the inconvenience.

- Feel better.
- Thank you. I will.

I'm sorry.

For now, I'm gonna have
to deny you the booty.

- It's just not safe.
- I completely understand.

Hey, hey, hey!

Alright, hey.
Alright, easy, tiger.

Give me a chance
to get warmed up again.

Yeah. For sure.
Pre-heat that oven.

[chuckling]

[cell phone chimes]

What?

If that's Charlie,
I'm gonna wring his neck.

It could be my aunt.

So call her back
in five minutes.

Forty five minutes.

You know, I'm just starting
to feel like

you don't want me.

Is it 'cause of the tattoos?

Yeah, I regret some of them.

Is this a little bit racist?
Yes.

Did I intend it that way?
No.

Her scan.

The cancer spread.

Uh, Francesca,
I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

This is it.

- This is when I lose her.
- No.

She's, um..

She's gonna be good.

Yeah, she is,
she's gonna be good.

Mm.

What's that?

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry.
You have an amazing ass.

My aunt is dying of cancer.

It doesn't know that.

Seriously?

I gotta get out of here.

[scoffs]

I..

I'm not turned on
'cause she's got cancer!

[slams door]

[instrumental music]

Somewhere buried in there
is a compliment.

Hey, what happened?

[slams door]

I don't wanna talk about it,
Cooper.

I should have known.

I, uh, brought this.

Thanks.

You don't have to be out here.
I can deal with this on my own.

Mnh-mnh. Death and despair
are my specialties.

You know that.

If she makes
a miraculous recovery

then you're on your own.

You know the constellations?

Please, I grew up in the city.

The first star I saw
was in the blackout of 2003.

I used to sit outside for hours
as a kid

making up my own.

Flamingo with a suitcase.

If you say so.

It's nice to know
they'll always be there.

[instrumental music]

How long does she have?

She might buy some time
with chemo, but, um

it metastasized to her liver,
so..

So that sucks.

Anything
she's always wanted to do?

Climb a mountain?
Travel to India?

Fire a rocket launcher
at a Dodge Caravan.

Uh, what?

Her ex used to drive one.

She's done all that other stuff,
you know.

I mean, that's the thing
about Sylvia.

She doesn't wait
for anybody's permission.

She just goes for it.

- She's a bad-ass.
- Yeah.

Not a lot of people live
that way. I know I don't.

Charlie, the day you fell..

...you said you couldn't be
around me anymore, you know.

We've seen each other
almost every day since

and... here we are.

Yeah, but this is
incredibly depressing.

Come on.

- At the antique store today?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean,
you looked like you were..

You were having fun.
You were happy.

I wasn't happy. I was amused.

Well, right.

I was a little bit
more than amused.

I... I was happy.

- Hey. Hey, Francesca.
- What?

Wait. Please?

Okay, I was... I was happy.

I am happy... I'm happier
than I've ever been.

And that's because of you.

- But you're still standing.
- Yeah, I know.

It shouldn't work, right?
I should be flat on my face.

But, um, the thing is
every time I feel it

the happiness rising in me..

...I look at you and Cooper
and..

...I'm just sad enough.

But I'm dating your brother.
I mean, I..

- You set us up.
- I know. That's why it works.

Wow.

I don't think we need
to be around each other anymore.

Francesca.

Francesca.

Bethany, what, what are you
doing out here?

Th... there's bugs of all sorts.

There's something
really wrong with you.

Yeah.

I know.

I tried to be upfront.

Not that. You.

Me?

I am fun, Charlie.

I'm really fun.

Yeah. Of course, you are.
You're tons of fun.

And I'm also pretty.

I've been told that I'm pretty.

You're beautiful.

You let me to think
we, we actually had a chance.

I wanna break up.

I completely understand.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

♪ Sisters four
and brothers three ♪

♪ Hanging off the family tree ♪

♪ Practicing for getting old ♪

♪ Do you want
your fortune told? ♪

♪ They're looking for you
high and low ♪

♪ Now there's nowhere
for you to go ♪

♪ So you'll just have to
come out and face the music ♪

♪ Jacksons Monk and Rowe ♪♪

[doorbell buzzes]

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, um, come on in.

- Oh.
- How's Sylvia doin'?

She's hangin' in there.

Wow. Sunflowers.

- Yeah.
- They're my favorite.

From a real florist too.
Not just Trader Joe's.

Oh.
Well, now I know I'm special.

What's this?

Uh, this is also for you.

Oh.

- What is it?
- Uh, that's the thing.

You know,
I didn't exactly pick it out.

I just sort of brought..

[gasps]
My aunt's mixer.

- You remembered.
- Yeah, I sure did.

Oh, I love it.

- Thank you. I..
- Yeah.

I'm really sorry that
I blew up at you the other day.

It's just.. It's been so hard.

Yeah. Hey, you know..

When one loses someone one loves

one has to...

uh, look at..

...one's sense of..

...oneself.

Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

Okay. So you know.

Alright. Come on.

Let's go get you some lunch.

Oh, you know what?
I... I don't really feel like

being in a crowded restaurant.
Why don't we just order in?

Oh, come on.
It's so nice out there.

We'll go find a place
with a patio.

I'm really, just..
I'm exhausted.

Oh, I thought you'd wanna get
your mind off your aunt.

I do.

I just can't keep running away
from it, you know.

I just gotta deal with it, so..

...you wanna help me deal
with it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Let's deal with it.

So, just lay it all out there.

Um..

What do you fear most
about your aunt dying?

Okay.

[sighs]

Um, to start, missing her.

Feeling alone in the world.

Like, I didn't make the best
of our time together, you know

and I'll never have those days
back. My childhood.

Like I would rather it were me,
so I wasn't the one

stuck here without her.

She's my best friend.

You know, Francesca..

...I..

...should..

...go.

- What? Where are you going?
- Yeah.

- I just poured my heart out.
- No, I know.

I know you did,
and, uh, I encouraged it

so it's just as much on me.

You're being such an asshole!

Uh, I know.
No, you're right. I am.

Uh, just know,
I don't feel great about it.

How can you be so thoughtful
one minute

and then such a dick the next?

Because..

Because I wasn't
really that thoughtful.

I..

I am so sorry.

Uh, just.. Bye.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Whoa! Watch it, shit bag!

Thank you, New York.

What'd you just say to me?

[sighs]

Hey.

She loved the mixer.

Oh, yeah? What'd she say?

"I love the mixer."

Good, I'm glad.

[sighs]
All it took was one sad attempt

at a conversation to end it.

Couldn't we have just not
had that conversation

a few weeks ago?

[scoffs]
What a waste.

All this time, you could have
been humpin' it up.

Why do I keep attracting
such vapid men?

Unless, of course,
it's the other way around.

They attract me?

Like I'm into some sort
of pheromone in the hair gel?

[chuckles] Well,
I just think you're attracted

to what they aren't
as much as what they are.

You lost me, Yoda.

That's not a dig
at your bald head.

It better not be.

Sylvia Torrone?
How you feeling, hon?

A lot better now
than I will be in an hour.

Here.

Face it, Francesca.

- You're a total fox.
- Oh, stop it. I am not.

You know you are, and it is
so annoying when you deny it.

[chuckles]
Fine, what's your point?

My point is..

...men will always want you

but it takes a special kind
of man to love you..

...and to appreciate
just how truly special you are.

You know, you gave me
that same speech

when I had a unibrow, right?

Yeah, I was lying then,
but this is about Charlie.

He rejected me.

He's just doing what you do,
protecting yourself.

Oh. This goddamn place.

I know.

- What exactly was your plan?
- What?

Help us patch things up and..

...just go on being miserable?

But what makes you think
I'm miserable?

Your face.

Your miserable face.

I... I just thought
it would make her happy.

Well, it didn't really work out
like that.

- We broke up.
- What? Why?

'Cause I'm not in love with her
and you are.

[instrumental music]

- Charlie does love me.
- Did he tell you?

- As best he could.
- Do you love him?

- How can I?
- Oh, Francesca.

You can't keep yourself
from loving someone

just because you're afraid
you're gonna lose them.

But that didn't stop you
from dating her, did it?

No. It did not,
and I regret that.

Not 'cause I swooped on you,
but because you wanted me to.

What the hell does that mean?

Our whole lives, I have been
running interference for you.

I've been taking your hits,
I've been watching your back

and for a long time,
I liked that.

I liked being that guy.

Little bro
looking out for big bro.

Whoa, easy. Easy, little bro.

Hey, you known it's true.
You know it's true.

I thought I was protecting you
and I wasn't.

- You were using me.
- What?

To hide behind, to manipulate,
like I'm some...

- Where is this coming from?
- Where is this coming from?

You treat me like I'm a big,
dumb, emotional battering ram

and I'm done!

I'm done being
your emotional battering ram.

- Look, no, you are not my...
- Battering ram.

Yeah, look, just... just get
over yourself for one second.

You don't have
this shitty disease, Cooper.

You don't live in fear

of making a... a fool
of yourself all the time

or maybe, I don't know,
fuckin' dying.

You get to live your life
exactly how you wanna live it

and you still fuck it up!

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

You know what?

Charlie, I know better
than anyone.

I know better than anyone
how awful this disease is.

- You do?
- I've seen kids laugh at you.

You understand that?

I watched kids
laugh at my big brother.

I've seen you be alone.

That sucks, man.

I'm sorry.

But there is a point where the
disease ends and fear sets in.

- Oh, not this. Not this.
- And it becomes an excuse!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
You just said you understand!

You don't understand that
nobody wants to go on a date

with a guy who's gonna end up
in the ER as soon as they kiss.

Being in a relationship
is about being happy!

- I can't do that!
- Yes, yes, you can! You can!

You just have to learn to be
okay with what comes next.

That's all.

Go, Charlie.

Hey, hey.

- Go get her.
- I can't.

- Watch it.
- No, you watch it.

You understand? I mean,
do you actually understand?

I can't. You can.
You can, but I can't.

You're gonna get yourself
worked up.

I wanna get worked up!

Why do I never get
to be worked up? Huh?

Take a breath, okay?

- Calm down. Alright...
- Why?

Why?

Why?

[dramatic music]

Why?

Charlie!

[intense music]

You gotta wake up, Charlie!
I can't hold on!

Charlie!

Help!

[bustling traffic]

Come on!

Charlie!

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

[grunting]

Come on! I got you! I got you!

Jesus.

- You alright, shit bag?
- Huh?

Ah, you're alright.

Thank you.

Thank you, New York.

[panting]

Yeah, okay.

- Okay, what?
- I'll go.

- You'll go?
- Yeah.

- Sunday morning, after yoga.
- Oh, Charlie.

No Sunday, no yoga.
You go right now!

- Right now?
- Come on!

- What?
- Come on!

Alright. How do I look?

Oh, terrible! You smell awful.

You're wearing
a stupid tiny backpack..

...but you gotta go.

- I gotta go.
- You gotta go.

[instrumental music]

Go be happy.

[chuckles]

Go be happy.

[cell phone ringing]

Answer the phone, Francesca.

Life is for living.
Answer the phone.

- Charlie?
- Francesca!

Wh... where are you?
I've gotta see you right now.

Uh, in the hospital
with my aunt.

Perfect. I'm on my way.

[instrumental music]

That's it. You're doing it.

- Oh, my God!
- I know.

I can't believe it.
I can't believe it, Stanley.

- You're walking.
- Oh, sit down, Stanley.

Alright.

Alright.

You gotta be kidding.

God help me.

[baby crying]

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

Charlie. Oh, my God. Whoa!

- Okay. Right.
- What... what happened?

A beautiful baby.
God. So beautiful.

- Here. Have some water.
- Mm.

- Mm, that's too refreshing.
- Whoa!

- Yeah.
- Okay, sorry.

- Is that Sylvia?
- Charlie.

- How you doing?
- I've been better.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- You said you wanted to see me.
- Yeah, God.

Why do you gotta be so lovely?

- You're pretty cute yourself.
- That's not helping.

- Hey.
- Ugh!

Do you wanna go
somewhere more private?

No, this is good.

Alright.

Francesca, I..

Hmm..

Okay, okay.
Here. Here we go.

Thanks. I can't..

I can't drive with the radio on

in case anything
by The Pointer Sisters comes on

and I swerve into a ditch.

I can't walk along any beach

where there might be
frolicking seals.

I can't eat kettle corn.
I can't boogie board.

I can't swim
in any body of water

that is higher than my chest

especially
if there's some guy playing

with his gorgeous
golden retriever.

I can't barbecue unsupervised.

I probably can't go
to the Grand Canyon

just based on the pictures
I've seen

'cause it's too
breathtakingly beautiful.

I would like to have kids..

...but they will either
have to be boring or spoiled

because cute and adorable...

Charlie.

We'll adopt the worst kids
we can find.

Hmm.

[whimpering]

Oh, kiss, goddamn it!

[instrumental music]

[operatic singing]

[instrumental music]

Mm.

♪ I'm afraid ♪

♪ To give my heart to you ♪

♪ But I'd do it anyway ♪

♪ For a taste ♪

♪ Of a distant truth ♪

♪ Before I lick my wounds
and run away ♪

♪ See I got questions ♪

♪ But I get a little shy ♪

♪ When there's a gentle hand
in my hand ♪

♪ A little bed that we share ♪

♪ And somebody
who could take me there ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I get lost in a love
so blind ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I ignore
all the dangerous signs ♪

♪ With your body ♪

- ♪ With your body next to mine ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

♪ I'mma break lose
track of time ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I ignore
all the dangerous signs ♪

♪ All the dangerous signs ♪

♪ Easy now ♪

♪ I see the rocks below ♪

♪ And the winding road
we're travelin' upside down ♪

♪ In a backward show ♪

♪ Where the love we know
is unravellin' ♪

♪ But what's excitement ♪

♪ Oh without
everything to lose ♪

♪ Is that a wildfire
in your stare ♪

♪ The butterflies in mid-air ♪

♪ And the magic
when you take me there ♪

- ♪ With your body next to mine ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

♪ I get lost
in a love so blind ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I ignore
all the dangerous signs ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

- ♪ With your body ♪
- ♪ Out of breath ♪

- ♪ Lose track of time ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I ignore
all the dangerous signs ♪

♪ All the dangerous signs ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh yeah yeah ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I can make it
through the night ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ Everything is almost right ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I can make it
through the night ♪

♪ With your body ♪

- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

- ♪ I ain't going ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

- ♪ I ain't going ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ With your ♪

♪ With your body ♪

- ♪ Next to mine ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

♪ I ignore all the
all the dangerous signs ♪

- ♪ With your body next to mine ♪
- ♪ With your body ♪

♪ Out of breath
lose track of time ♪

- ♪ With your body ♪
- ♪ With your body next to mine ♪

♪ With your body ♪

♪ I ignore
all the dangerous signs ♪

♪ All the dangerous signs ♪

♪ With your body
next to mine ♪♪

[instrumental music]