All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S11E01.Chardee.MacDennis.2.Electric.Boogaloo.2.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-Oosh

DENNIS: Uh... I feel like
you guys should have,

like, dressed up
a little bit for this.

CHARLIE: No, no, it sends the
wrong image, you know?

Uh, we're not selling a game
for squares,

we're selling a game for, like,
everyday people like us, man.

DENNIS: Right, yeah,
that's a good point.

MAC: Oh, Frank,
Frank, Frank.

You will never guess
what happened. Okay.

So this guy comes in, right?

We think he's just
a regular customer.

We start chatting him up.

Turns out, he's an
executive at Mattel.

DEE: Yeah, so of course
we start talking

to him about Chardee MacDennis,

and he seemed totally into it.

Yeah, he's coming
by today, man.

We're gonna
pitch it to him.

Maybe we could, uh, work in

some of the ideas
I've been suggesting.

Those aren't "ideas"
as much as they are...

random acts
of violence.

Well, you see, when I was a kid,
games were much more violent.

I mean, we used to play
"Purple Nurple,"

"Sock Full of Quarters,"
"Kick the Jew"...

DEE: No, why don't you
try winning one time?

And then you can start
throwing in new rules.

How about we just change
the name of the game then?

"Franken MacChardeeden."

MAC: What?
That's terrible.

First of all,

your name isn't "Franken."

Secondly, Chardee MacDennis
is just a working title.

Technically, we're still
in arbitration.

Last we left it,
Dee had filibustered,

and Charlie had
a motion pending.

And I will not yield
to the gentleman.

'Cause you have no honor,
you goddamn bitch.

You have no honor!

You see what I'm talking about--
it's a whole thing, Frank.

Then let's call it "Chardee
MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo."

What?
What are you
talking about?

What does that have
to do with anything?

What made you just
think of that?

It's not a break-dancing
competition.

There's no
electricity involved.

(door opens)
Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Hello, hello.
Hey, there, how's it
going, uh... Andy, was it?

Yes, exactly.
Ah, Andy, I want
you to meet Frank.

Frank, uh, meet Andy
from Mattel.

Hello, hello.

I got to tell ya--
I'm pretty excited.

Adult game play is
a fast-rising market,

and we are always
on the lookout

for something a little
out of the box.

Oh, we-we can help
you there, bud.

That's great. Now, what was
the name of the game again?

Chardee MacDennis 2:
Electric Boogaloo.

Okay, Andy, you're gonna like
this video we made for you.

MAN: Fight milk.
(crow caws)

Crow's egg.

(echoing):
Chardee MacDennis.

Chardee MacDennis is all your
favorite games rolled into one:

Mouse Trap,
Chutes and Ladders, Sorry...

But it's not exactly
like those things.

It's also like Boggle,
Wheel of Fortune, Risk.

MAN:
Chardee MacDennis!

What other games
do you like?

It's like
those other games, too!

But more better.

And different enough legally.

I'm a lawyer.
Shh!

I'm a lawyer
in this part.

We're like Moby...

re-e-e-e-emix!

(air horn blares)
MAN: Ch-Ch-Chardee MacDennis!

Regular board games
should be called...

"I'm bored... games."

I don't get that one.

I... No, I told you not to...
Stay out of my peripheral...

Do you want a game that lulls
you into a sense

of security but surprises you

with constant rule changes?
Then you want

the game of games.

Mac, back up.
Sorry.

MAN (thundering):
Chardee MacDennis!

We always win.
And they always lose.

CHARLIE: What are you guys
doing over there?
Oh, shit.

(static hissing)

W-Why'd you put that in?
Yeah, what was that?

Factually accurate.

So, Andy,
what did you think?

I... got to say,

it's a little
confusing.

Uh, can't we just
play the game?

Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yeah.

That wouldn't
be good.

Yeah, see, we tend to get a
little competitive when we play.

You know, we're not exactly
a mellow bunch.

Right.
That'll be fun.
Plus, that's the best way

for me to understand the game.

But that's what...
why you would understand...
Yeah, that's why we did that.

Okay, let me confer
with my associates for a minute.

Why don't you grab a drink?
It's o-on the house, of course.

Um, guys, can we talk?
Uh, cool, man.

I think we can probably, um...

We can't...
No, no, no... no, no,

I-I think we can.
Uh, we can do this, guys.

We just got to be...
just got to make it fun.

You know what we have to do?
Is we have to not care

about who wins.
Just for this time.
Yes.

Who cares?
That'll help.
Nice. That will help.

We just have to sell the game.
Let's just sell it. Okay.

We can do it. All right, so,
Frank, you'll be on Andy's team.

Wait, don't
stick me with him. He-he

doesn't know the goddamn rules.
Oh, my God.

I'm gonna get crushed again.

(overlapping chatter)

Shut up. Shut up.
It's not about
winning or losing.

Exactly. It doesn't
matter. It's fun.
We're not gonna care...

It's fun.
So we'll just...

we'll keep our emotions
in check.

Yeah.
Sure.

Just be like:
(exhales)

(all exhaling)

Exactly.

(exhaling continues)

Gentlemen,
good luck to you.

And to yous.
And to
yous all.

This is nice--
a little role playing.

Very big
in gaming right now.

This also celebrates
sportsmanship.

Yes, indeed. Yeah, well,
you're totally getting it.

You're catching on.
Oh, by the way, there used to be

a couple rules about not cursing
and not asking questions

in certain rounds, but I think
we should do away with that

for now, because it's your
first time playing and, guys,

we don't want
anybody blacking out.

Yeah, no problem.
Right, that's fine.
I think that'll be fine.

We're flexible.
It's a good idea.

Okay, are we ready?

Three, two, one.

Gentlemen...
suck my dick.

(shouting gibberish)

Hut,

hut, hut.

(playing bugle)

What the hell's going on?

Oh, uh, this is our
flag-raising ceremony.

Yeah, we used to do
the Maori war dance,

but that-that got us
a little too riled up.

Either way, this is
all about intimidation

and showing off
your prowess.

Uh, think of it like

the Indian-Pakistani
border ceremony

that they do over there.

Now, this is Mac
and Charlie's flag,

which, as you can see,
is fairly badly burned.

Not only
does the winner get to

stomp the loser's
game pieces,

but they also get to
burn their flag up.

Now, you'll notice
that the Golden Geese flag

is unsullied.
You'll also notice that

Mac and Charlie's flag is
just a little weird,

and that's because
their original name

was the Thundercats,

uh... but they were
confused by that.

Well, 'cause we're not cats.
Yeah.

We're not cats.
So, then, how could we...

Mm-hmm. Even though
it's the name they chose.

So they went with
the Thundermen.

(playing quavering note)

This brings us
to Frank's flag,

which is, uh... yeah,
it's just unfortunate.

FRANK:
It's four Fs.

I didn't know it was
gonna come off like that.

Pretty sure you did.

(playing rousing tune)

Okay, Andy, Level 1 is Trivia,
Puzzles and Artistry.

The first team
to get three points

moves their game piece
to the next level.

All right.
Here we go.
All right.

What Philly celebrity would you
most want to have a drink with?
Oh, shit,

okay, yeah, you know what--
a lot of the questions

are opinion-based.
Heads up.
Ah. Okay... I-I see.

Uh, all right, this is,
uh, let me guess. Um...

Oh: Dr. J.

That's not it!
All right,
all right.

Play it cool,
play it cool.
Okay, okay, sorry.

Yeah, all right. That is wrong,
though. You wouldn't

want to have a drink with him.
Dee, chance to steal.

Bill Cosby.
Yes!
All right.

Yeah! Point for us.
Shit.

A lot of the questions
are outdated.

Yeah, yeah, they are

a little outdated.

Okay, our turn,
our turn.

Um, artistry. And it's
an all-play, guys.

Oh!
Oh!
All right, now,

a member of each team
must make this clue out of clay

while the other member
tries to guess what it is.

Okay, uh, penis.
What?

Uh, lip-penis.
What? No, look, look.

Oh, hard penis.

A hard clay penis.
Oh...

Gargoyle inside.
No?

It's a-a, okay,
a chopped-off head,

a decapitat...
uh, head in a box!
Head in a...?

Dee, I'm gonna put
your head in a box

if you don't start
getting the answer right.

Goddamn it!
A heart, it's a heart!

Uh, it's, uh...

it's, uh, love!
Love!

Oh!
He got it!
Was that it?

(whoops)

Get another
card.
How do you make a heart?

If the... Love?

Yeah, because I was making,
uh, Cupid's arrow, dude.

Well, why does it have
a big vein running through it?

Because that's the streak
as it flies through the air.

Come... At least I didn't
put a woman's head in a box.

This is not a woman's head
in a box, you sick freak.

This is a woman's
head in a freezer.

And it's supposed to represent
the preservation

of love forever
and ever.

Whatever, dude. It's our turn,
it's our turn. We go.

BOTH:
No puzzles, no puzzles,
no puzzles, no puzzles,

no puzzles, no puzzles...

Puzzles.
Oh!

Put this bottle
back together.

Oh, shit.
Oh. Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting.

What bottle?

This one.

Now just be very,
very careful.
Okay.

Final touches,
final touches.
Watch that glue string--

don't pull it apart.
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay.
All right.
Ready, ready?

Okay, okay,
okay... okay.

Okay, very...
Very careful.
Very, very careful.

It held.
It held!

It held!
I swallowed a little
glass, but it held, man!

You see, that's what I'm talking
about-- you sacrifice,

you put the work in...
That's right!

you earn that card.

We're catching up to 'em.
Hey... Okay,

it's our turn, then.

Dennis and Dee
skip right to Level 2.

Yes, yes!
Aw...
Aw...

Face, face!
(squawks)

Due to some alcohol-related
cheating, we decided

to incorporate IVs

to keep everything
on the up-and-up.

You guys were the ones
that were cheating.
Yeah, yeah.

Now, I feel like Andy
has to have one of these.

Well, Andy's our guest.
We don't want to be

poking him with needles.

Unfair, unfair!
Yeah, unfair, unfair, unfair.

Hey, hey, as you can see,
Mac and Charlie

are a little worked up about
never having won the game.
Ever.

I'm a little concerned
about the safety of this.

The... Why... Oh, oh,
If it were beer?

no, no, no, no--
we're mainlining wine.

It's not beer. We switched
Level 2 to wine because

you can't mainline beer because
it's got bubbles in it and shit.
CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah.

We tried-- it was bad.
I'm not sure it's safe

for people to put those
beverages directly into their...
Time!

(blasting note)

(gasps)
Oh!
(grunts)

Okay, Andy, welcome
to Round 2 (Body):

Physical Challenge,
Pain and Endurance.

Okay, now, we've added
a new challenge

to Level 2-- this is,
this is really exciting.

So what you do-- you spin the
globe, you point your finger.

Wherever your finger lands,
you have to speak in the accent

of that region for
the rest of the round,

otherwise,
you gotta drink.

That sounds fun.
That's a great idea.

Isn't that good?
Isn't that good?

Let's go.
Uh... ha!

Russia!

Oh, okay, so I got it.
I guess I...

(Russian accent):
I guess I can do that.

Huh?
(Russian accent): You do Russia.

Hey, look at Andy, look at Andy.

Pretty good,
man, pretty good.

(overlapping chatter)

DENNIS:
What do you got?
"Brasial."

No, Brazil.
Mm-hmm.

Wh-What's the accent
of Brazil?

It's a, it's a country in South
America-- why don't we say

any Latin American
accent'll do?
Any Latin American? Okay.

(bad Mexican accent):
Okay, homie. Uh...
Orale, homes.

Yeah, I can
do that. Yeah.
Okay, man. Nachos.

Oh, real racist with it, huh?
Yeah, that is extremely
racist-- and by the way,

that's more of a Los Angeles
sort of Mexican cholo vibe.

Let's go... let's go see
the Dodgers play the Lakers.
Low rider.

Okay. Uh, Dee, you
want to spin for us?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jesus Christ.

Oh! Ah, would you
look at that--

Philadelphia.
FRANK:
That shouldn't be on there.

You barely spinned it, homes.
That's bullshit, man.

(Philadelphia accent):
Hallelujah. Looks like
the tide's turned.

Yeah, looks like
we got an advantage

over yous guys, huh, Den?

(with accent):
What is going on?

What the hell is that?

My Philly accent.

Wow, that's not
even close.

Drink, homes.
Ow! Okay, slower.

All right.

Physical challenge.
And this one's an all-play.

Oh!
Hey!
Okay,

everybody.
This is good. We like...

Hands on a bird body!

(groans)
A member from
each team

must try and
keep their hand

on Dee's bony body for
as long as they can.

(groans)
Dis is shit.
Dis is not good.

I don't understand.

(exhales through teeth)

Hang in there, homes.
I can't do it, "mang."
I can't do it.

You barely even put your
hand on there already.

Hang in there, man.
I know, but...

Ah! I can't do it,
I can't do it!
Oh! Ha!

I can't even do it.
Ay, ay, ay!

Mac and Charlie
are out!

Hey, why'd you do that?

I couldn't do it!
Ay, ay, ay!

Oh, violation!
That's not L.A. Mexican.

That's, like,
Cartoon Mexican.

We barely even
switched it, homie.
No, I don't know.

I'll have a drink, all right?
You got to drink, too.

Oh...
What is so hard

about keeping one
hand on this woman?

She's a very pleasant woman.
She's a very, very pretty woman.

Ugh. Don't sexualize her, dude.
This is bad enough as it is.

Vhat is the matter, Dennis?

Vhy are you zo uncomfortable?

Because the closeness

of your hand to her breast...

Stop.
Yeah, stop.
...which is

making you want to have sex
with her?

Don't, don't...
oh, goddamn it! Ugh!
Oh... Oh!

(gasps)
Wait, what's...

what's going on?
You stupid idiot.

Oh, my God, you glued
your hand to her!

Cheater! Cheater!
Cheater!

Oh, is that the accent drop?
Yeah, yeah,

all accents are dropped
the minute someone

gets caught cheating.
Yeah, yeah, we
have to be able

to break them in
our native tongue

to allow for
maximum shame.

Shame, shame, shame...
Shame, shame...

(all shouting "Shame!")

So... so no more IVs?

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
That's a Level 2 game.

You don't want
to mainline liquor, buddy.
You don't want to do it.

Still a pretty
stiff drink.

Oh, yeah.
Things get
ratcheted up

in Level 3.

They even get worse
in Level 4.

There is no Level 4.

Yes, there is:
Mind, Body, Spirit, Horror.

Stop, Frank. Come on.
There's no Horror level.

Look, Andy, his ideas
don't represent the game.

They don't represent us.

Okay, pick a card now...
Yeah, whoa!

Shits and Ladders.

Oh!
(chuckles)

Sort of a play
on Chutes and Ladders.

Oh, yeah.
Each member must take a laxative
and get on a ladder.

The one who can hold it in
the longest wins.
FRANK: Love this one.

Also known
as Shoots and Splatters.

Poops and Bladders!

(laughter)
Andy!

I'll go get the laxatives.
All right,
All right.

FRANK:
Here you go.

Strongest stuff on the market.

All right.
All right.

(grunts)

Mm. Oh, that's strong.
Ugh!

I don't like it.
Okay, to the ladders!

(groans)

I'm already feeling
a twinge.
(yawns)

Yeah, I-I feel something.

I don't feel like I
have to poop, though.

I feel weird.
I kind of feel crazy.
Like, what is that?

That isn't a laxative,
is it, Frank?

Nope.

Welcome to Level 4,

(echoing):
Horror.

(distorted laughter)

Oh. What is this?

Wake up, guys.
Wake up.
What's going on?

(grunting)

(groaning)

FRANK:
Hello, gang.

The keys to your cuffs

have been sewn
into your forearm.

Beside you are some tweezers

attached to a car battery.

Last team out of the room loses.

Frank, this is insane.
Let us out of here!

What are you doing?
Everything has
to be based

on an existing board game!
That's the whole thing!

Oh, but it is, Dennis.

Ever hear of a game called...

Operation?
(cackles)

Oh, shit.

He's got a point.

Damn it.
Let's go.

(grunting)
(zapping)

(shouting)
(zapping continues)

This game is totally insane!
DENNIS: Don't give up
on the game!

The game is fine! (groans)
No, no, no, no.

No, this isn't representative
of us...

Oh, God!
Oh!

Oh, I'm gonna stop!
I'm gonna stop! I'm out!

No, I quit, too. I quit.
I can't do it.

I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it!
DENNIS: Oh, God!

It's just the bone.
DEE:
Charlie!

Oh, Jesus
Christ, dude!
Oh!

Oh! I think
you shit your pants, too.

Well, it was probably just
the laxative kicking in, man.
It wasn't

a goddamn laxative, Charlie!
You just pooped your pants!

You guys quit! You quit

and we won the game!

(grunts)
Finally.

Finally, I won the game.

This is not what I signed up
for, you donkey-brained maniac!

Uncuff me!
Cool it, cool it.

Take it easy. I mean,
it's just a... it's just

a simple mind game.

No one had a
key on 'em.

You know, I knew
they'd cave like bitches.

DENNIS:
Hold on a second.
Wait a second.

Andy, did you just call him
"donkey-brained"?

Yeah. What? It's an expression.
What did you mean by

"not what I signed up for"?

Do you two know
each other?

No!
No...

No. No.
No.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait-- look at this, guys.

"Mattel" is spelled wrong
on his business card.
That says "Matel."

I'm calling this number.

(phone ringing)

FRANK (recorded):
Welcome to the home
of Wolf Cola...

(gasps)
(shouting "Cheaters!")

Oh, okay, Frank,
so you clearly

just hired this guy
so that you could win

and put your stamp
on the game!

No, there's no truth
in that at all.
No.

Tell 'em, Andy.

(door slams)

MAC:
What?!

It was all bullshit?
It was just a hoax?

Yeah.
DENNIS: Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait...
Unreal.

So, then, if this isn't about
selling the game anymore...

Well, then it's
about winning.

DENNIS:
Okay, here we go.

Public humiliation.

Are you ready, Charles?

Dude, are you-you
sure you're okay?

You might've lost a lot of
blood from digging around in
there with the tweezers.

He's around it. Yep.

Here we go.
Okay, then here we go.
You have to withstand

one full minute
of intense berating.

He's ready. "Lights on,"
he said. "Lights on."
Okay.

But it's not gonna be from us.

Nope. Not from us.
It's from her!

Ow! Ow! You're holding
my hair!
Okay, hold on a second.

Ow, let go! Oh, my God,
that hurt so much!
Goddamn it.

Okay, well, you know what, it
was supposed to be a big reveal.

I had a whole thing planned.
What's wrong with you?

You know what, of course you
ruined it-- you are the worst.

THE WAITRESS:
What? Oh, my God,
what is that smell?

Is that poop? Did you poop
in your pants, Charlie?

Yeah.
Oh, gross.

That's so disgusting.
This is gonna be so easy.

No, dude, don't
listen to them, okay?

(sniffles)
You can do this,
Charlie.

If you can not cry
for just one minute,

just one minute,
we win the goddamn game.

Yeah, man.
You can do this.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

(grunts)
Okay, yeah.

All right.
Okay. Okay.
Here we go.

DENNIS:
Ready, get set, go.

Charlie Kelly, I have been
waiting for this

for a long time,

you poop-smelling

(distorted):
trash person.

Your face,
it looks like a troll!

You look
like you have troll features!

You stalked me! There's
something wrong with you!

Your brain is broken!
I hate you!

I hope you die!
And I hope you go to hell!
Three! Two!

And I hope it burns!
One!

(distorted shouting)
You did it! You did it!

Holy shit!

MAC:
We won! Thundermen!

DENNIS: Charlie?
DEE:
Come on, buddy, you can do it.

Come on, wake up,
Charlie, wake up.

I don't know
if he's gonna wake up.

I don't either.
Charlie, come on, buddy.

Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie... Charlie,
open your eyes.

DENNIS: Charlie?
Oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. There he is.

Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
We thought we lost you, buddy.

We thought we lost you.
Hey.

Oh, my God.
Oh, man. What happened?
God... like, all I remember is,

like, winning the game
and then passing out.

Is that how you
remember it?
Yeah.
Yeah.

No.
No, no, you cried
like a baby.

Yeah, pretty much right when
the waitress started talking,

you cried like a little bitch.
Quite a bit.

Yeah.
Yeah. You-you
must have been

hallucinating
from all the blood poisoning.

So... did you guys win?

Yeah. Big-time.
We always do.

So did you crush
our game pieces?

No. Oh, my God, Charlie, no.
Charlie, we weren't
even thinking

about the game anymore.

No one was.
We were terrified for you.

With you in that condition?

Really? Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you
so much, guys.
Oh, God.

Are you kidding me?
That's, like, really, the
nicest thing you've ever done.

Uh, Dee, can you...
Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

(sighs) Charlie, no,
we wouldn't have done that

with you... with
you in that condition.

Yeah. It-it...
No.

But now that you're
conscious, you know...

Dee, are you, uh,
all set back there?

Yep.

Loser. Yeah!

(both taunting, screeching)

DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!

(both honking)

Yeah! Yeah!