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1
00:00:02,007 --> 00:00:05,308
Typhoid Mary was making
all the rich people sick.
2
00:00:05,343 --> 00:00:07,377
The health inspector says,
3
00:00:07,412 --> 00:00:10,880
Mary, are you washing your
hands after you take a shit?
4
00:00:10,915 --> 00:00:12,915
Be honest.
[blows raspberry]
5
00:00:12,950 --> 00:00:14,984
- [laughs]
- That's disgusting.
6
00:00:15,019 --> 00:00:16,919
Cleopatra is Queen of Egypt.
7
00:00:16,954 --> 00:00:18,021
But Arsinoe is like,
8
00:00:18,022 --> 00:00:19,922
My sister's not the fucking queen.
9
00:00:19,957 --> 00:00:21,891
She's just some bitch on the throne.
10
00:00:21,892 --> 00:00:23,892
[spills drink]
11
00:00:23,996 --> 00:00:25,696
- Oh, my God!
- [laughs]
12
00:00:25,697 --> 00:00:28,464
[patriotic music]
13
00:00:33,265 --> 00:00:36,337
-- Addic7ed.com --
14
00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:41,110
We had a record cold and flu
season here in America
15
00:00:41,145 --> 00:00:43,045
this year,
but I didn't get sick.
16
00:00:43,081 --> 00:00:45,514
- Not even a sneeze.
- Not one sneeze.
17
00:00:45,549 --> 00:00:48,551
A record cold and flu season.
You know why?
18
00:00:48,552 --> 00:00:51,153
Washing my hands,
and I stopped touching my face.
19
00:00:51,189 --> 00:00:52,322
- Really?
- I'm telling you.
20
00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:54,289
[sniffs]
I'm healthy, baby.
21
00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:56,358
- You just sniffed.
- [sniffs]
22
00:00:56,393 --> 00:00:58,127
I'm just taking in the aroma.
23
00:00:58,162 --> 00:00:59,730
Taking in the aroma
of the drink.
24
00:00:59,731 --> 00:01:01,231
- Cheers to being perfect.
- Yes.
25
00:01:01,232 --> 00:01:02,665
[coughs]
26
00:01:02,666 --> 00:01:04,366
Hello, I'm Jackie Johnson,
27
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:08,002
and today,
we will be discussing
28
00:01:08,038 --> 00:01:10,805
Typhoid Mary.
[laughs]
29
00:01:10,841 --> 00:01:14,509
Let's travel back to 1900.
30
00:01:14,545 --> 00:01:16,278
New York City.
31
00:01:16,313 --> 00:01:19,148
Immigrants were just flooding in
from all over the world
32
00:01:19,149 --> 00:01:21,350
to start their new life
in America.
33
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:24,419
And then we see
one angel face,
34
00:01:24,455 --> 00:01:26,722
and she says, I'm Mary Mallon.
35
00:01:26,757 --> 00:01:30,626
I am Irish, I'm proud,
and I'm here to cook, baby.
36
00:01:30,661 --> 00:01:34,195
So, um, Mary's signature dish
37
00:01:34,231 --> 00:01:36,698
was vanilla ice cream
with sliced peaches.
38
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:40,368
The rich people would call up
their friends and say, honey,
39
00:01:40,403 --> 00:01:44,639
have you had Mary Mallon's
peach vanilla ice cream?
40
00:01:44,674 --> 00:01:49,443
It is the best friggin'
dessert that I have had!
41
00:01:49,479 --> 00:01:51,512
And that's how she got around,
word of mouth.
42
00:01:51,547 --> 00:01:53,681
Old-school marketing.
43
00:01:53,716 --> 00:01:56,550
So... what is it?
Oyster Bay.
44
00:01:56,586 --> 00:02:01,455
Oyster Bay is like
the Beverly Hills of the time.
45
00:02:01,491 --> 00:02:03,858
Teddy Roosevelt's there.
That's where he summers.
46
00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:05,194
Charles Warren is there.
47
00:02:05,195 --> 00:02:06,295
He is the banker
48
00:02:06,296 --> 00:02:09,030
to all the rich people,
including the Vanderbilts.
49
00:02:09,065 --> 00:02:11,966
So what happens to his family?
50
00:02:12,002 --> 00:02:14,802
They all of a sudden get sick,
51
00:02:14,837 --> 00:02:16,837
and they say, we're rich.
52
00:02:16,872 --> 00:02:18,872
We don't have to deal
with disease.
53
00:02:18,908 --> 00:02:22,075
Doctor George Soper rolls up.
54
00:02:22,111 --> 00:02:25,613
His job is whatever
a sanitation engineer is.
55
00:02:25,648 --> 00:02:28,649
Doctor Soper says, well,
honey, I'll be honest.
56
00:02:28,685 --> 00:02:31,151
Everybody in your family
has typhoid fever.
57
00:02:31,187 --> 00:02:32,387
Charles says, what?
58
00:02:32,388 --> 00:02:33,388
What does that mean?
59
00:02:33,389 --> 00:02:35,989
Ty... typhoid?
60
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,792
And... and Dr. Soper says,
61
00:02:37,827 --> 00:02:40,160
You could hemorrhage
from the inside!
62
00:02:40,196 --> 00:02:42,196
People die from this!
63
00:02:42,231 --> 00:02:44,365
This is 1900.
We don't have pills.
64
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,067
We don't have, uh...
what... we don't have...
65
00:02:47,102 --> 00:02:48,337
[stammering]
66
00:02:48,338 --> 00:02:49,704
What's it called?
67
00:02:49,705 --> 00:02:52,039
What's that pill
that solves everything?
68
00:02:52,074 --> 00:02:54,141
Antibiotics!
69
00:02:54,176 --> 00:02:56,243
We didn't have that, okay?
70
00:02:56,278 --> 00:02:57,978
There's no antibiotics.
71
00:02:57,980 --> 00:02:59,214
Okay?
[laughs]
72
00:02:59,215 --> 00:03:01,148
[Derek laughing]
73
00:03:01,183 --> 00:03:02,283
So, Charles Warren says,
74
00:03:02,284 --> 00:03:03,551
Here's a bunch of money.
75
00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:05,485
Hunt down the source
and kill it off.
76
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,487
Doctor Soper gets to business.
77
00:03:07,522 --> 00:03:08,890
He goes through the plumbing.
78
00:03:08,891 --> 00:03:10,991
He interviews
the local fishmonger.
79
00:03:11,026 --> 00:03:12,726
He's trying to find
the typhoid
80
00:03:12,728 --> 00:03:14,761
and finding dead ends
everywhere he goes.
81
00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:17,364
But then, all of a sudden,
he gets a call from Manhattan.
82
00:03:17,399 --> 00:03:19,000
There's a wealthy family
83
00:03:19,001 --> 00:03:20,701
who just came down
with typhoid.
84
00:03:20,702 --> 00:03:23,103
The little girl is very sick.
85
00:03:23,138 --> 00:03:25,004
She has her covers
up to her face.
86
00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,939
She says, Daddy, I'm cold.
87
00:03:26,975 --> 00:03:29,208
I'm very cold, Daddy!
88
00:03:29,244 --> 00:03:32,478
So Soper rolls up
and interviews the family.
89
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:35,281
He realizes
they just had a new chef.
90
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,616
He says, wait a minute.
91
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:37,951
Who is the chef?
92
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:39,886
And he said, well,
she was a delightful
93
00:03:39,921 --> 00:03:42,454
Irish immigrant
named Mary Mallon.
94
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:45,958
And Soper says,
Wait a damn minute!
95
00:03:45,994 --> 00:03:47,594
That's the same woman
96
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:51,264
who was cookin' for the family
at Oyster Bay!
97
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:54,267
And he says, I think
we're onto something, baby.
98
00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,002
I think I'm onto something.
99
00:03:56,004 --> 00:03:58,570
[laughs]
100
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,806
So anyway,
101
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:02,808
Soper rolls up
to Mary's house.
102
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,343
He says, excuse me, ma'am.
103
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,278
I'm pretty sure
you have typhoid fever,
104
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:08,013
and I'm pretty sure
you're giving it
105
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,782
to everybody
that you're cooking for.
106
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,484
And she says, excuse me?
107
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,320
I am an Irish immigrant woman
108
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:19,257
trying to make it
in 1900 New York.
109
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:22,628
How dare you accuse me
of being unsanitary?
110
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,897
Then she chases him out
with a fork
111
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,332
and says,
If you ever come back,
112
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:28,400
if you ever try to fuck
with my money again,
113
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,836
I will take you out!
114
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,203
So, he has to get
more evidence.
115
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,939
He sits down at his desk.
116
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,074
There are papers everywhere,
117
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,811
and he says,
Oh, my God.
118
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,680
Eight families
Mary Mallon has cooked for...
119
00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:45,750
seven of them
have contracted typhoid?
120
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,019
That's not a coincidence.
121
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,455
That's not.
122
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,923
That is fact, honey.
123
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,125
[blows raspberry]
124
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,493
I spit everywhere.
125
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:57,162
[laughs]
126
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,630
It happens.
127
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,432
You know what else happens?
128
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,200
- Hmm?
- Shit.
129
00:05:04,462 --> 00:05:05,529
Okay. So.
130
00:05:05,530 --> 00:05:07,396
I'm just making sure
these hairs are good. Okay.
131
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,066
You look good.
You remember where you are?
132
00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,967
We'll see, 'cause, you know,
the brain's fading,
133
00:05:11,002 --> 00:05:12,469
I'll be honest,
the brain is going out.
134
00:05:12,470 --> 00:05:14,871
I love that you're always honest.
135
00:05:14,906 --> 00:05:17,540
Okay, so we are pissed
at this point.
136
00:05:17,575 --> 00:05:21,245
The health inspector and
Dr. Soper roll up to Mary's.
137
00:05:21,246 --> 00:05:22,579
They bust open the door,
138
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:23,613
and they said,
139
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:24,982
[singsongy]
Mary!
140
00:05:24,983 --> 00:05:28,517
We have unequivocable proof
that you're spreading typhoid
141
00:05:28,553 --> 00:05:30,319
all over this damn city.
142
00:05:30,355 --> 00:05:31,355
What is the deal?
143
00:05:31,356 --> 00:05:33,522
She says, honey,
you're making shit up.
144
00:05:33,558 --> 00:05:34,558
I'm fine.
145
00:05:34,559 --> 00:05:36,259
And they say, Mary,
146
00:05:36,293 --> 00:05:38,861
are you washing your hands
after you take a shit?
147
00:05:38,896 --> 00:05:40,063
Be honest.
148
00:05:40,064 --> 00:05:41,964
She says, if I'm being honest,
149
00:05:41,999 --> 00:05:44,132
no, I don't wash
my hands thoroughly
150
00:05:44,168 --> 00:05:45,502
every time I take a dump.
151
00:05:45,503 --> 00:05:46,703
I'm a busy woman.
152
00:05:46,704 --> 00:05:48,137
I'm trying
to get dessert made.
153
00:05:48,138 --> 00:05:50,172
I'm trying to get
the appetizers done.
154
00:05:50,207 --> 00:05:53,242
So sometimes, I gotta take
a shit while I'm at work.
155
00:05:53,277 --> 00:05:56,612
I hurry up, I wipe, and I get
back in that kitchen, okay?
156
00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:58,947
Time is money, and I'm trying
to make my damn money.
157
00:05:58,983 --> 00:05:59,983
[Derek laughs]
158
00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:02,918
They said, you're making
rich people sick.
159
00:06:02,953 --> 00:06:05,153
That's unacceptable.
160
00:06:05,189 --> 00:06:08,556
So they grab her
by her shit-infested wrists,
161
00:06:08,592 --> 00:06:10,725
and they ship her off
to North Brother Island,
162
00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:14,897
which is where they quarantine
people with diseases.
163
00:06:14,932 --> 00:06:19,101
Mary Mallon sits on the damn
island alone with her dog
164
00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:21,436
for three years.
165
00:06:21,471 --> 00:06:25,507
Meanwhile, they test
her sweat, her spit, her...
166
00:06:25,542 --> 00:06:27,943
[chuckles] I was gonna say
her jizz.
167
00:06:27,978 --> 00:06:29,912
Her eye juice.
168
00:06:29,947 --> 00:06:31,780
They did over a hundred tests,
169
00:06:31,815 --> 00:06:34,383
and they all tested positive
for typhoid fever.
170
00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:36,683
Yet, she showed no symptoms.
171
00:06:36,719 --> 00:06:38,652
Finally,
the health inspector says,
172
00:06:38,687 --> 00:06:40,922
Listen, Mary,
I'll level with you, okay?
173
00:06:40,957 --> 00:06:42,723
We want you
to get out of here,
174
00:06:42,758 --> 00:06:45,159
but you gotta wash
your damn hands,
175
00:06:45,194 --> 00:06:48,396
and you gotta promise
that you're not gonna cook.
176
00:06:48,431 --> 00:06:51,065
She says... Fine.
177
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:52,833
And they say, okay.
178
00:06:52,868 --> 00:06:55,202
Pinky-swear, Mary?
179
00:06:55,238 --> 00:06:58,973
She says, pinky-swear,
health inspector.
180
00:06:59,008 --> 00:07:01,542
With shit-covered hands?
181
00:07:01,577 --> 00:07:03,510
[laughs]
182
00:07:03,546 --> 00:07:06,948
- That's disgusting.
- [chuckles]
183
00:07:06,983 --> 00:07:09,583
So, she peaces out of the island.
184
00:07:09,618 --> 00:07:12,552
Everything's fine.
New York is flourishing.
185
00:07:12,587 --> 00:07:16,423
Five years later, in 1915,
186
00:07:16,458 --> 00:07:18,258
there is a typhoid outbreak
187
00:07:18,293 --> 00:07:20,994
at Sloane Maternity Hospital.
188
00:07:21,029 --> 00:07:23,896
Two people died
at the hospital... two...
189
00:07:23,932 --> 00:07:26,132
so Soper rolls up
to the hospital.
190
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:29,202
A nurse who's very sick says,
We're clean.
191
00:07:29,237 --> 00:07:30,571
We're a hospital.
192
00:07:30,572 --> 00:07:31,705
We're not idiots.
193
00:07:31,706 --> 00:07:33,174
We know how to not
get typhoid,
194
00:07:33,175 --> 00:07:34,475
yet we all got it!
195
00:07:34,476 --> 00:07:35,843
What's happening?
196
00:07:35,844 --> 00:07:37,577
He says, Wait a minute.
197
00:07:37,612 --> 00:07:39,312
Who's the cook here, baby?
198
00:07:39,348 --> 00:07:40,814
Who's the cook?
199
00:07:40,815 --> 00:07:45,351
Well, it's this delightful
Irish woman named Mary Brown!
200
00:07:45,386 --> 00:07:46,586
Mm-mm.
201
00:07:46,587 --> 00:07:49,388
Who's in the damn kitchen
of the hospital, Derek?
202
00:07:49,423 --> 00:07:50,857
Take a wild guess.
203
00:07:50,858 --> 00:07:52,025
[laughs]
204
00:07:52,026 --> 00:07:53,925
George storms into the kitchen!
205
00:07:53,961 --> 00:07:55,495
He busts open the damn door
206
00:07:55,496 --> 00:07:58,330
with his foot, as a power move.
207
00:07:58,366 --> 00:08:00,299
He says, I see you,
Mary Mallon!
208
00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:03,902
I see you!
I see you.
209
00:08:03,937 --> 00:08:05,271
And I smell you.
210
00:08:05,272 --> 00:08:08,040
I caught you
fecal-matter-handed, baby.
211
00:08:08,075 --> 00:08:11,676
I caught you
fecal-matter-handed.
212
00:08:11,712 --> 00:08:14,313
So they took her back
to North Brother Island.
213
00:08:14,348 --> 00:08:17,016
Twenty-three years,
she sat in quarantine,
214
00:08:17,051 --> 00:08:19,518
and in 19... oh, shit.
215
00:08:19,553 --> 00:08:20,653
My pillow.
Hold on.
216
00:08:20,654 --> 00:08:21,754
Let me put my pillow back,
217
00:08:21,755 --> 00:08:23,355
'cause I love
a good throw moment.
218
00:08:23,356 --> 00:08:25,423
I love a good
fucking accent pillow.
219
00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:27,191
Okay.
220
00:08:27,227 --> 00:08:30,996
In 1938, Mary dies.
221
00:08:31,031 --> 00:08:32,464
The minute her body...
222
00:08:32,465 --> 00:08:34,133
[snaps fingers]
Hit the ground,
223
00:08:34,134 --> 00:08:36,635
they sliced her open,
pulled out that gallbladder.
224
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:37,803
What did they see?
225
00:08:37,804 --> 00:08:38,771
[snaps fingers]
226
00:08:38,772 --> 00:08:40,739
Live typhoid virus.
227
00:08:40,774 --> 00:08:43,708
Doctor Soper was like,
I knew it, bitch!
228
00:08:43,744 --> 00:08:45,344
I knew it!
229
00:08:45,345 --> 00:08:48,813
What have I been saying?
What have I been saying?
230
00:08:48,849 --> 00:08:51,349
An asymptomatic carrier
of typhoid
231
00:08:51,384 --> 00:08:53,450
has been living among us
for years.
232
00:08:53,485 --> 00:08:55,452
This is crazy!
233
00:08:55,487 --> 00:08:57,621
But you know what?
It's America, baby.
234
00:08:57,657 --> 00:09:00,558
The land of crazy,
and the land of opportunity.
235
00:09:00,593 --> 00:09:01,927
- [laughs]
- Okay?
236
00:09:01,928 --> 00:09:05,362
The medical journals all start
calling her Typhoid Mary.
237
00:09:05,397 --> 00:09:09,567
So she is considered to be
the first asymptomatic case
238
00:09:09,602 --> 00:09:12,202
of typhoid fever
in the history of the planet.
239
00:09:12,237 --> 00:09:15,172
How insane is that?
240
00:09:15,207 --> 00:09:16,808
Honestly.
241
00:09:16,809 --> 00:09:18,842
If you could tell Mary
one thing right now...
242
00:09:18,878 --> 00:09:21,946
I would tell Mary,
make your money,
243
00:09:21,981 --> 00:09:24,048
make your ice cream,
244
00:09:24,083 --> 00:09:26,916
make a career
and a life for yourself,
245
00:09:26,952 --> 00:09:31,088
but honey,
wash your fucking hands.
246
00:09:31,123 --> 00:09:32,823
[laughs]
247
00:09:35,595 --> 00:09:36,929
It's like a fun lemonade.
248
00:09:36,930 --> 00:09:38,530
Boom.
249
00:09:38,531 --> 00:09:39,832
[carefree acoustic strumming]
250
00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:41,167
Ew.
251
00:09:41,168 --> 00:09:43,601
[laughs]
You don't like it?
252
00:09:43,637 --> 00:09:44,637
Mm-mm.
You don't either.
253
00:09:44,638 --> 00:09:45,972
You're trying to.
254
00:09:45,973 --> 00:09:46,939
- I am.
- I saw your face.
255
00:09:46,940 --> 00:09:48,640
I'm like...
this was a bad idea.
256
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:50,642
But look, we're still drink...
we're like...
257
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,010
We keep drinking 'cause it's like,
258
00:09:52,011 --> 00:09:54,346
well, maybe it gets better.
Do you want a new one?
259
00:09:54,347 --> 00:09:55,347
- Yes.
- Cheers.
260
00:09:55,348 --> 00:09:56,882
- We drank most of this.
- We had to.
261
00:09:56,883 --> 00:09:59,250
Oh, and the lower you get, it...
262
00:09:59,286 --> 00:10:01,252
- It's disgusting.
- That's nasty.
263
00:10:01,288 --> 00:10:03,187
Okay.
264
00:10:03,222 --> 00:10:06,458
So, hello.
My name is Lyric Lewis.
265
00:10:06,459 --> 00:10:09,794
And tonight, we are discussing
the other queen of Egypt.
266
00:10:09,829 --> 00:10:11,463
- Mm?
- Oh, yes.
267
00:10:11,464 --> 00:10:12,864
The queen that was scheming,
268
00:10:12,865 --> 00:10:17,602
thieving, thriving,
and surviving
269
00:10:17,637 --> 00:10:20,772
off of stealing her way
from the bottom to the what?
270
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:23,073
To the top.
271
00:10:23,109 --> 00:10:25,109
The other queen of Egypt.
272
00:10:25,144 --> 00:10:28,513
So our story begins in 51 BC.
273
00:10:28,514 --> 00:10:30,380
We're in Alexandria,
the capital of Egypt,
274
00:10:30,416 --> 00:10:32,582
and Cleopatra
has just turned 18.
275
00:10:32,618 --> 00:10:35,519
She's like,
Cleopatra's coming at ya.
276
00:10:35,554 --> 00:10:37,521
She's fresh, she's young,
she's supple.
277
00:10:37,556 --> 00:10:39,489
She's like, I'm looking
fabulous, I'm fly,
278
00:10:39,525 --> 00:10:41,358
and she marries
her brother, Ptolemy.
279
00:10:41,393 --> 00:10:43,127
- I'm sorry, marries?
- Yes.
280
00:10:43,162 --> 00:10:44,329
It wasn't weird for them.
281
00:10:44,330 --> 00:10:46,430
They were like, we gonna be
blood on blood on blood,
282
00:10:46,465 --> 00:10:47,933
snacks on snacks on snacks,
283
00:10:47,934 --> 00:10:50,234
chicken racks on racks
on racks.
284
00:10:50,269 --> 00:10:51,803
So now she's queen.
285
00:10:51,804 --> 00:10:53,603
But their little sister,
Arsinoe,
286
00:10:53,639 --> 00:10:55,207
she's, like, super butt-hurt about it.
287
00:10:55,208 --> 00:11:00,144
Like, she's like, yo, I know
that I'm 11, but really?
288
00:11:00,179 --> 00:11:02,212
I can't be
motherfucking queen?
289
00:11:02,247 --> 00:11:04,348
Nobody asked me
if y'all could get married.
290
00:11:04,383 --> 00:11:07,417
So boo to that.
Boo to that.
291
00:11:07,453 --> 00:11:11,154
She's a sneaky, thieving-ass,
thriving tween.
292
00:11:11,189 --> 00:11:13,289
And she had a eunuch
293
00:11:13,325 --> 00:11:14,792
that was just, like,
her homeboy.
294
00:11:14,793 --> 00:11:16,793
Ganymedes was in the shadows
at all times.
295
00:11:16,829 --> 00:11:19,329
Like, you would only see,
like, a sliver of his face
296
00:11:19,365 --> 00:11:21,130
come out the corner,
and he'd be like,
297
00:11:21,166 --> 00:11:22,567
Dawgs, that's what we do
in Egypt.
298
00:11:22,568 --> 00:11:24,068
- Dawgs?
- Dawgs.
299
00:11:24,069 --> 00:11:25,570
So, now, at this point,
300
00:11:25,571 --> 00:11:29,038
Julius Caesar is kicking ass,
taking fucking names
301
00:11:29,074 --> 00:11:30,140
all over the Mediterranean.
302
00:11:30,141 --> 00:11:32,008
Like, Julius Caesar's like,
What's poppin'?
303
00:11:32,043 --> 00:11:34,010
I fuck with whatever.
Get over it.
304
00:11:34,045 --> 00:11:35,346
Cleopatra's into that.
305
00:11:35,347 --> 00:11:37,080
Like, she's like,
I'm feelin' this.
306
00:11:37,115 --> 00:11:40,449
And so she's like, Hey,
Ptolemy, husband, brother,
307
00:11:40,485 --> 00:11:43,552
we should, like, link up
with Rome, hardcore, parkour.
308
00:11:43,588 --> 00:11:44,855
Like, Cleopatra's like,
309
00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:47,190
Yo, we should fuck with Rome,
hard as fuck.
310
00:11:47,225 --> 00:11:50,393
She's like, Rome is fuckable.
311
00:11:50,428 --> 00:11:52,929
Ptolemy is like,
I'm not feeling this.
312
00:11:52,964 --> 00:11:54,231
We're not gonna link up
with Rome.
313
00:11:54,232 --> 00:11:55,799
That's it. Boom.
314
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,067
Roasted.
315
00:11:57,068 --> 00:12:00,102
Cleopatra is, like,
very upset, right?
316
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:02,537
But Arsinoe is ear-hustlin'
all throughout the castle.
317
00:12:02,572 --> 00:12:04,873
She goes to her brother,
Ptolemy.
318
00:12:04,909 --> 00:12:07,609
She's like, Yo, I know
I'm 11, but peep this.
319
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,744
I'm not fucking with
Julius Caesar either.
320
00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:11,414
I don't think
Egypt should link up.
321
00:12:11,415 --> 00:12:14,917
And matter of fact,
you should check yo' wife
322
00:12:14,952 --> 00:12:16,019
because she's trying to...
323
00:12:16,020 --> 00:12:17,686
like, she's not even listening
to you, dude.
324
00:12:17,687 --> 00:12:19,387
Like, she's like,
You the husband,
325
00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:21,623
and she not listenin', right?
326
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,026
So Ptolemy goes to Cleopatra,
and he's like,
327
00:12:24,061 --> 00:12:25,894
Yo, Arsinoe came to me
and told me
328
00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:26,896
she not fucking with it.
329
00:12:26,897 --> 00:12:28,231
She put some wisdom
in my head,
330
00:12:28,232 --> 00:12:29,598
told me I shouldn't
fuck with it,
331
00:12:29,599 --> 00:12:30,933
so we not gonna do it.
332
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,700
And, not only that, I'm gonna
banish you from Alexandria.
333
00:12:33,736 --> 00:12:35,337
So Cleopatra's like,
Escoose me?
334
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:38,940
Like, you gonna come
for my... like... what?
335
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,175
So Cleopatra now was pissed
336
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,143
that Arsinoe came
for her throne.
337
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:46,981
She is set on getting revenge
on her little sister.
338
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,983
So... mmm.
339
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,718
Cheers.
340
00:12:52,555 --> 00:12:54,688
So. Cleopatra's banished.
341
00:12:54,723 --> 00:12:56,424
And so Arsinoe's like,
I'm cute now, bitch.
342
00:12:56,459 --> 00:12:57,892
I'm Queen of Egypt.
343
00:12:57,893 --> 00:13:00,027
Just so happens,
at the same time,
344
00:13:00,063 --> 00:13:03,063
Julius Caesar happens to make
a trip to Alexandria.
345
00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:05,332
And he was like,
What's poppin', Egypt?
346
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,534
[suspenseful music]
347
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:08,069
So Cleopatra said to herself,
348
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:10,103
she was like, self,
I can either
349
00:13:10,138 --> 00:13:12,405
arrange a regular meeting
with this man
350
00:13:12,441 --> 00:13:15,642
or I can get him
the Egyptian way.
351
00:13:15,678 --> 00:13:19,279
So she crept in his room
in the middle of the night
352
00:13:19,314 --> 00:13:20,949
and gives him
the Egyptian business
353
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,484
right there
in that hotel room.
354
00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:23,785
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
355
00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:24,853
Now, that's a pyramid scheme.
356
00:13:24,854 --> 00:13:26,020
She was like,
357
00:13:26,021 --> 00:13:27,788
Oh, you gonna be reading
from the Book of the Dead
358
00:13:27,823 --> 00:13:29,357
after this,
'cause you gonna be, what?
359
00:13:29,358 --> 00:13:30,892
Dead and gone.
360
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,026
- Fuck like an Egyptian.
- [chuckles]
361
00:13:33,061 --> 00:13:34,596
He was like, well,
this is some new shit.
362
00:13:34,597 --> 00:13:36,563
Like, he was like, girl,
what is you doing to my body?
363
00:13:36,599 --> 00:13:37,966
She's like,
Just some Egyptian shit.
364
00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,165
Don't worry
about none of that.
365
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:40,767
That's what's happening
to your whole body
366
00:13:40,768 --> 00:13:41,802
right now, right?
367
00:13:41,803 --> 00:13:42,970
He, like, fell for her,
368
00:13:42,971 --> 00:13:44,505
after that one fucking night.
369
00:13:44,506 --> 00:13:47,807
And so Cleopatra was like,
I know we just met,
370
00:13:47,842 --> 00:13:50,242
and I gave you
the business immediately...
371
00:13:50,277 --> 00:13:54,146
my bad...
however, my brother, Ptolemy,
372
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:55,782
banished me because why?
373
00:13:55,783 --> 00:13:57,350
'Cause I wanted
to fuck with you,
374
00:13:57,351 --> 00:13:59,451
and I need help
to get my throne back.
375
00:13:59,487 --> 00:14:01,187
And Caesar was like,
Say no more, girl.
376
00:14:01,222 --> 00:14:04,056
You put that Egyptian ass
on me.
377
00:14:04,091 --> 00:14:05,091
It's a done deal.
378
00:14:05,092 --> 00:14:07,092
Let's go invade
some shit, yes?
379
00:14:07,128 --> 00:14:10,129
And she's like, yes, bitch,
go get my throne back.
380
00:14:10,164 --> 00:14:13,465
So, Julius Caesar invades
Alexandria, right?
381
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,734
And, like, it's, like, a whole
bunch of Romans and shit,
382
00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:19,271
and Ptolemy gets captured
as a political prisoner,
383
00:14:19,306 --> 00:14:22,741
but then Arsinoe
narrowly escapes the palace
384
00:14:22,776 --> 00:14:24,576
with her eunuch.
385
00:14:24,611 --> 00:14:28,013
Ganymedes goes,
Yo, they invaded the castle.
386
00:14:28,049 --> 00:14:30,049
Let's do this, bitch.
387
00:14:30,084 --> 00:14:32,217
So they escape
from Alexandria, right?
388
00:14:32,253 --> 00:14:35,754
They go to
the rebel Egyptian army.
389
00:14:35,789 --> 00:14:38,957
And the leader of that army
is Ach... Ach... Achillas.
390
00:14:38,992 --> 00:14:41,193
By the way, which, also,
Achillas to me,
391
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:44,430
just sounds succulent,
you know what I mean?
392
00:14:44,465 --> 00:14:46,297
He sounds like
a succulent man, but...
393
00:14:46,332 --> 00:14:47,866
Does he need water?
394
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:49,600
[laughs]
395
00:14:49,635 --> 00:14:51,436
Sh... sure.
[laughs]
396
00:14:51,471 --> 00:14:54,072
But anyways, Achillas,
he's like,
397
00:14:54,107 --> 00:14:55,707
Damn, that's a little-ass girl.
398
00:14:55,708 --> 00:14:56,841
And she's like,
399
00:14:56,842 --> 00:14:59,910
Hey, I might be 11 1/2
to 12 years old,
400
00:14:59,946 --> 00:15:01,146
but I'm fucking fierce.
401
00:15:01,147 --> 00:15:04,482
We need
to reinvade Alexandria,
402
00:15:04,517 --> 00:15:05,617
take back my throne,
403
00:15:05,618 --> 00:15:08,419
because, yo, I'm the true
queen of Egypt, okay,
404
00:15:08,455 --> 00:15:10,354
my sister's not
the fucking queen.
405
00:15:10,390 --> 00:15:12,490
She's just some bitch
on the throne.
406
00:15:12,525 --> 00:15:14,459
Achillas is like, no, bitch.
407
00:15:14,494 --> 00:15:17,328
We don't know you like that,
first of all.
408
00:15:17,363 --> 00:15:20,298
Second of all,
you're mad young.
409
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:22,766
He's like,
you're 11.5 to 12 years old.
410
00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:24,002
[Derek laughs]
411
00:15:24,003 --> 00:15:25,536
He goes, we not here
for this motherfucker.
412
00:15:25,537 --> 00:15:26,805
Like, good night.
413
00:15:26,806 --> 00:15:28,572
So then this little shit...
414
00:15:28,608 --> 00:15:30,808
now, granted, Arsinoe,
I told you, is off the chain,
415
00:15:30,843 --> 00:15:32,376
'cause she's like, oh, no?
416
00:15:32,377 --> 00:15:34,111
Oh, no, you not
gon' fuck with me?
417
00:15:34,146 --> 00:15:36,880
So then Arsinoe turns
to Ganymedes and goes,
418
00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:40,250
Yo, fucking kill
this little fuck.
419
00:15:40,285 --> 00:15:41,419
And he did.
420
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:44,755
He killed him in some great
Egyptian fashion.
421
00:15:44,790 --> 00:15:47,290
And he assassinates him
in cold blood.
422
00:15:47,326 --> 00:15:48,860
It's crazy.
423
00:15:48,861 --> 00:15:52,663
Ganymedes goes,
Yo, she told me to kill him.
424
00:15:52,698 --> 00:15:53,965
I killed him.
425
00:15:53,966 --> 00:15:55,333
Don't worry about it.
426
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:58,368
And Ganymedes says
to all of us,
427
00:15:58,403 --> 00:16:00,604
Don't worry about it.
428
00:16:00,639 --> 00:16:01,739
Don't ask him about it.
429
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:02,740
So we don't.
430
00:16:02,741 --> 00:16:05,242
- [laughs]
- And he's dead.
431
00:16:05,277 --> 00:16:07,410
So then, um...
432
00:16:07,446 --> 00:16:08,446
I forget her name...
433
00:16:08,447 --> 00:16:09,913
I remembered it
the past two hours.
434
00:16:09,914 --> 00:16:11,648
Arsinoe?
435
00:16:11,683 --> 00:16:13,750
I've never done this story...
[mumbles indistinctly]
436
00:16:13,785 --> 00:16:15,085
I'm very embarrassed.
437
00:16:15,086 --> 00:16:16,420
[laughs]
438
00:16:16,421 --> 00:16:18,888
High five.
[mumbles indistinctly]
439
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:24,573
- [blows] I am drunk.
- Do you feel okay?
440
00:16:24,574 --> 00:16:25,808
I feel great, I just feel drunk.
441
00:16:25,809 --> 00:16:27,775
I feel like you can't
understand what I'm saying.
442
00:16:27,811 --> 00:16:29,411
- We can.
- Yeah?
443
00:16:29,412 --> 00:16:31,047
All right. So.
444
00:16:31,048 --> 00:16:33,815
Arsinoe takes the army
445
00:16:33,851 --> 00:16:36,684
and goes back to Alexandria,
446
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,687
and she's like, I'm gonna
take this fucking shit over.
447
00:16:39,723 --> 00:16:43,024
And Julius Caesar's like,
bitch, no, you're not, bitch.
448
00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:44,493
She's like, yes, I am, bitch.
449
00:16:44,494 --> 00:16:46,895
So she forced him to flee.
450
00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:49,731
She runs him into
the Light Tower of the Pharos,
451
00:16:49,766 --> 00:16:52,900
which is the seventh wonder
of the world.
452
00:16:52,935 --> 00:16:55,936
And so Caesar's pissed
at this point,
453
00:16:55,972 --> 00:16:57,138
because he's like,
454
00:16:57,139 --> 00:16:58,873
I'm fucking Julius Caesar.
455
00:16:58,908 --> 00:17:01,141
Like, he's like, I conquered
the Mediterranean,
456
00:17:01,177 --> 00:17:05,412
and this girl is about to,
like, run me... what?
457
00:17:05,447 --> 00:17:06,882
What is this?
458
00:17:06,883 --> 00:17:08,815
She's 11 1/2 or 12!
459
00:17:08,851 --> 00:17:09,885
He's mad.
460
00:17:09,886 --> 00:17:12,619
Like, he's surrounded
by the army and the sea.
461
00:17:12,654 --> 00:17:14,654
He has literally no way out.
462
00:17:14,690 --> 00:17:16,656
So he's like, fuck, like,
either I'm gonna go out there
463
00:17:16,692 --> 00:17:18,326
and get killed as fuck,
464
00:17:18,327 --> 00:17:20,027
or I'm gonna jump
out this window
465
00:17:20,029 --> 00:17:21,196
and be drowned as fuck
466
00:17:21,197 --> 00:17:22,897
and hopefully swim and live.
467
00:17:22,898 --> 00:17:26,900
He sheds himself of his armor
468
00:17:26,935 --> 00:17:28,968
and his purple cloak.
469
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:30,970
Purple cloak is, like,
how, like, in Greece,
470
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:32,739
people know
it is Julius Caesar.
471
00:17:32,775 --> 00:17:36,543
And he jumps
and splashes into the water.
472
00:17:36,578 --> 00:17:38,812
Arsinoe comes up,
takes his cloak,
473
00:17:38,847 --> 00:17:40,014
and, like, waves his cloak
474
00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:42,015
as, like, a victory flag.
475
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:43,384
Like, yes, bitch!
476
00:17:43,385 --> 00:17:47,387
Caesar finds the boat
that is waiting for him,
477
00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:50,524
and he's like, damn,
she's very buck.
478
00:17:50,559 --> 00:17:53,125
She knucks if she bucks
all the time.
479
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,661
So then Ptolemy meets
with Caesar, and he's like,
480
00:17:55,696 --> 00:17:56,963
I'll make a deal with you.
481
00:17:56,964 --> 00:17:58,632
My little sister's
wiling out.
482
00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:00,566
She's very ratchet.
483
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:03,536
I will give you her
if you give me my freedom.
484
00:18:03,571 --> 00:18:06,972
Caesar's like,
all right, dude, I'll take it.
485
00:18:07,007 --> 00:18:08,874
With a sneaky look
on his face, right?
486
00:18:08,910 --> 00:18:10,343
- Mm-hmm.
- So then...
487
00:18:10,344 --> 00:18:13,145
Ptolemy goes to Arsinoe,
and he's like,
488
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:15,013
Hey, girl, hey,
and she's like,
489
00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:17,750
Ptolemy, like...
[clicks tongue] Yo.
490
00:18:17,785 --> 00:18:20,152
And then Caesar's like, Ah!
491
00:18:20,187 --> 00:18:21,887
Arsinoe's captured, right?
492
00:18:21,889 --> 00:18:23,256
And Caesar's like, psych!
493
00:18:23,257 --> 00:18:25,490
Romans, kill him.
494
00:18:25,525 --> 00:18:26,892
So he's like,
495
00:18:26,893 --> 00:18:28,760
Oh, this motherfucker
right here.
496
00:18:28,795 --> 00:18:30,295
What a bad friend.
497
00:18:30,296 --> 00:18:32,330
Then he runs to the Nile River
498
00:18:32,365 --> 00:18:35,633
and he drowns,
so he dies anyway.
499
00:18:35,669 --> 00:18:37,435
Anyway.
500
00:18:39,873 --> 00:18:41,039
[laughs]
501
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,274
Oh, so then,
502
00:18:42,275 --> 00:18:44,509
Caesar has Arsinoe.
503
00:18:44,544 --> 00:18:47,244
He's so fucking happy because
she has embarrassed him
504
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,280
and that's how fragile
his male ego was.
505
00:18:49,315 --> 00:18:51,683
Cleopatra's mad,
but she's like, yo...
506
00:18:51,718 --> 00:18:54,652
[exhales noisily]
She's like, yo.
507
00:18:54,688 --> 00:18:55,987
Like, she's like, yo.
508
00:18:55,988 --> 00:18:58,489
Take her little ass to Rome.
I'm done.
509
00:18:58,524 --> 00:19:03,326
So Caesar tries to bring
Arsinoe through
510
00:19:03,362 --> 00:19:04,863
Rome and the Colosseum.
511
00:19:04,864 --> 00:19:08,331
His plan
is to fucking strangle her,
512
00:19:08,367 --> 00:19:11,067
and Rome is like,
we're not fucking with you
513
00:19:11,103 --> 00:19:12,870
fucking with this little girl.
514
00:19:12,905 --> 00:19:14,338
And Caesar's like,
I want to strangle
515
00:19:14,339 --> 00:19:16,239
the fuck out of her
in the middle of the street.
516
00:19:16,274 --> 00:19:19,009
Everybody in the Colosseum
was like, you're whack.
517
00:19:19,044 --> 00:19:20,044
You're whack.
518
00:19:20,045 --> 00:19:22,212
And so Caesar is like,
519
00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:25,248
Fine, just get the fuck
out of my face.
520
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:27,951
So Caesar, being embarrassed,
sends her
521
00:19:27,987 --> 00:19:31,587
to Artemi...
A-Artemis' temple.
522
00:19:31,623 --> 00:19:35,358
Spends her life...
life as a priestess.
523
00:19:35,394 --> 00:19:38,061
So, we fast-forward to 41 BC.
524
00:19:38,096 --> 00:19:40,130
Cleopatra's still mad.
525
00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:42,098
She thinks that her sister
will get revenge on her,
526
00:19:42,134 --> 00:19:43,567
so then Cleopatra...
527
00:19:43,568 --> 00:19:45,968
- [laughs]
- Says...
528
00:19:46,004 --> 00:19:48,004
she sends assassins,
529
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,473
and she's like, yo.
530
00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:55,745
Go kill my little sister
that is, like, 21.
531
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,747
And the assassins come.
532
00:19:57,782 --> 00:20:01,117
And they strangle,
um, Arsinoe...
533
00:20:01,153 --> 00:20:05,187
Arsinoe.
And she dies.
534
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:08,891
- Wow.
- Yeah. This girl was 11
535
00:20:08,892 --> 00:20:10,759
and overthrew Julius Caesar.
536
00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:12,727
[uplifting music]
537
00:20:12,763 --> 00:20:16,165
At 11,
she outsmarted Julius Caesar.
538
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,733
I think that's fascinating.
539
00:20:18,769 --> 00:20:23,539
Moral of the story...
don't sleep on your siblings.
540
00:20:23,574 --> 00:20:25,574
Does that mean
don't fuck your brother?
541
00:20:25,609 --> 00:20:26,676
And that too.
542
00:20:26,677 --> 00:20:28,677
Don't fuck your brother either.
543
00:20:28,712 --> 00:20:30,280
[patriotic music]
544
00:20:30,281 --> 00:20:31,981
- That's a good one.
- That should be a given.
545
00:20:32,015 --> 00:20:33,149
Should be.
546
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,717
[spills drink]
547
00:20:34,718 --> 00:20:39,086
- Oh, my God!
- [laughs]
548
00:20:39,087 --> 00:20:40,644
[gasps]
549
00:20:40,645 --> 00:20:43,804
[patriotic music]
550
00:20:54,024 --> 00:20:57,172
-- Addic7ed.com --
551
00:21:00,151 --> 00:21:03,763
[patriotic music]
552
00:21:12,694 --> 00:21:14,570
And me.
39435
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