All language subtitles for The Delivery Man s01e06 Theft.eng

Room three. Bound to be a boy.

Oh, let's not start this.

Unless it's a day
that begins with a T-H.

Only been wrong seven times.
Which is an odd number.

Hello, yes,
the editor of the Lancet?

Gender is determined
by room numbers.

No, no, nothing to do with
chromosome pairs... Hello?

Well, I wouldn't want to go
into labour today.

Wednesday's child
is full of woe.

So you're saying that roughly
one seventh of the population

- is full of woe?
- Yes.

Well, that's just stupid,
because it's way more than that.

- Morning.
- Ah, Matthew.

Someone who'll rise above
all this superstitious nonsense.

- You're in room nine.
- Mmm.

- What's wrong with room nine?
- Haunted.

Oh, right.

Right, OK, listen up, everyone.

Some clown has broken into
the drugs cupboard.

- How do you know?
- What do you mean?

Were there extra-large
footprints?

Traces of white face paint?

- A big bucket of confetti?
- This is very serious.

It's now a police matter.

So, a little bit less of your,
you know...

stupid, childish tomfoolery.

(Gasps) Tomfoolery?
(Whistles)

There's something on your...
(Honks)

I'm glad they didn't break into
the cake cupboard.

- Mate, this is it.
- What's it?

Crime in this very hospital.

Yay! How will we celebrate?

- You know what I mean.
- Sometimes.

- I'm a security guy, right?
- Mm.

Well, to be honest, most of the
time there isn't any insecurity.

Oh, there's plenty of
insecurity, trust me.

Just out of interest, how many
security guards are there?

Three.

Well, good to know
you've got backup. Be safe, eh?

Always use protection, mate.

With the drug thieves.

Unlikely.
I don't even know who they are.

- Lisa! Lisa! Please, wait.
- The last time you were here

people thought you were
a serial killer on the rampage.

I've changed.

Taken off your butcher's outfit?

No, I've taken up
anger management classes.

- Really?
- Well, I would've,

but the forms are so stupid.
They're just...

Sound like the same old Ryan
to me.

It's not... Look, listen.
OK, look, test me. Test me.

OK, say someone drove into
the back of you on the dodgems.

Would you, A) laugh,

or B) get out
and throw their toffee apple

into the Lucky Ducks pond?

- That was one time.
- She was six years old.

- She knew what she was doing!
- OK, here's another one.

Are midwife and butcher
equally valid as jobs?

- Yes.
- For a man?

No, no.

Yeah, this is the new
open-minded Ryan, is it?

Oh, my God. I am!
I'm open-minded, OK?

But now you've brought him
into it.

- Who?
- The freak!

What if I was to tell you
that the freak had asked me out?

- He hasn't, has he?
- No.

But supposing he were to,
one day.

Supposing he was to work out
a way to do that.

I would be cool with that.

Because, one,
he's not gonna manage that,

and, two, you'd say no,
anyway, so...

Would I? Enigmatic look.

- No, don't "enigmatic look" me.
- Stay where you are. Security?

Don't enigmatic look me. Lisa!

It's as clear as day.
We've got a dad in room six

who's a drummer in a band,
and some drugs go missing.

My cat could work it out.

You can't just accuse
all drummers of taking drugs.

- Or of being thieves.
- You mark my words.

Hold on, Pat,
did you say you had a cat?

I do, yes.

- What colour is it?
- Black and white.

And you're involved
in deliveries?

Every day, so what?

I put it to you that you are
in fact Postman Pat.

- (Groans) Stupid man.
- No more stupid than you saying

that because someone's a drummer
they steal drugs.

Sorry.

Mr Edward, might need you
to step in later.

I've got a primip in room nine.

Room nine. Good.

By the way, we've had a large
quantity of drugs stolen.

- Yes, I know.
- Interesting.

- Perhaps you did it.
- No, someone told me.

Someone told you to do it.

No, I was told
it had been done by Caitlin.

Caitlin wouldn't have done it.
Don't be absurd.

Caitlin told all of us
that it had happened.

Right, well, my radar tells me
you are involved.

You are the type.

- I'm an ex-policeman.
- Exactly.

Emphasis on the ex. Not suited
to the police force, I hear.

Because I wanted something
more fulfilling.

Translation -
because I wanted my latest fix.

What?

Matthew, you behave
like a drug addict.

- In what way?
- You mutter things

- people don't understand.
- (Mutters incomprehensibly)

- Pardon?
- Room nine.

Definitely on something.

Ripped By mstoll

So someone's just opened up
a new Irish bar on Shaw Street.

Wasn't me.

No, I didn't think it was. Um...

- I was just wondering...
- What the name means?

Well, it's at number 2B
on Shaw Street,

and so what
they've cleverly done

is they've named it To Be Sure.

It's a sort of... play on words,
so it is.

I get it. I get it, yes.

I mean, I was just thinking...

That I wouldn't be seen dead
in such a place?

- Well, yes, you'd be right.
- Yep.

That's...
That's what I was thinking.

There are other places, though.

- There are, aren't there?
- Mm-hm.

- Maybe we...
- Hey.

Hi. Hey. Wow, you're...

Yeah, I'm just doing
a bit of dusting.

Mm. Yeah. State of this place.
Should really get a cleaner.

- They're expensive.
- Yeah.

- So...
- So...

- Anyway...
- Yeah.

I should get back
to the housework.

- Missed a bit.
- I miss you.

For getting the things down from
the high shelf in the kitchen.

- And other stuff.
- Well, I'd better get on.

- I'll see you around.
- Bye.

- So do you know her?
- Who's that?

- Her, in there.
- Oh, right.

- Well?
- Well, what?

- You didn't introduce me.
- Yeah. No. Yeah.

- That... That's Jess.
- Oh, yeah, Jess, great, cool.

- And?
- Oh, we just shared a flat.

You know, mates. Colleagues.

Mate! Mate! Jess is here.

Oh, proper weird that, innit?
Having your ex show up. Ooh-hoo.

He's always been obsessed
by her. Haven't you?

Ah...

Well, good news.
Apparently she's single again.

- Whoop.
- You can bury the hatchet.

- I'd like to bury a hatchet.
- Yeah, patch things up.

- You should patch things up.
- Get out for a drink.

Yeah, you should get out
for a drink.

Wait...

- Happy annivers...
- (He screams)

- Oh! Wow.
- Sorry.

- No, nice balanced stance.
- Yeah.

The training's still there.

Yeah. So, Matthew,
happy anniversary.

Thank you. Of?

Exactly one full month
since you started working here.

- Is that a thing?
- Yeah.

Also, coincidentally, exactly
seven and a quarter weeks

since my marriage disintegrated.

Ah. Aw...

No, no, it's a good thing.
It's a great thing.

So I was thinking, to celebrate,

tonight I've got a table
at a restaurant that I...

Faaaaaaaaaa...

Cos I have that thing. Yeah...

- Don't worry. Seriously.
- Thanks.

- Another time, obviously.
- Totes. Don't worry.

Oh, God.

Looks like that table
will remain free.

Oh, what a pity.

Do you have to be sarcastic
all of the time?

(Chuckles)
No, not all of the time.

Because it's just
"so refreshing".

Just what you need,
given your job is so stressful.

My job isn't nearly
as stressful as yours.

Then perhaps you do need
to go out to dinner.

Perhaps we both need
to go out to dinner together.

- Together, yes.
- Well, I can't wait.

No, neither can I.

I haven't told you where the
restaurant is or what time...

I'll follow.
At a discreet distance.

Yeah, Jess and I
were together for... a bit.

- Oh, yeah? Cool. How long?
- About six years.

A bit? That's like
World War Two.

- Imagine she's the Germans.
- So she started it?

Let's just say she opened
a second front.

So... she had surgery?

No, she...

She started seeing someone else.

One of the petty criminals
we were investigating.

Fell in love
with his fingerprints.

Well, that's quite sad.
Strange and sad.

Yeah, her and Nipper Thomas.

There's someone called
Nipper Thomas?

He's known to the police
as Nipper Thomas.

- What's his actual name?
- Nipper Brown.

So... when did you last see her?

Um... about a year ago,
we split up.

Although I did agree
to make up the numbers

on a double date
a few months back.

Her and myself and her friend
Harry, who's a girl.

So you were gonna suggest
another pub?

I was, yes.

And that pub
was going to be The Ship.

Did some background checks.

It doesn't rely on
national stereotypes

and it isn't a play on words.

Ooh. The Ship it is, then.

Wow, that's pretty high up.

Maybe it was a monkey.
Is it ever a monkey?

No.

So is this what you do all day?

Uh... I just go where
the prints lead me.

Yeah, so I hear.

So here's something else
I heard in passing

that's not remotely important
to me whatsoever.

Our security guy Ian tells me

that you're still
interested in...

- Matthew.
- Matthew, yes, that's his name.

Well, he has his qualities.

- And his failings.
- Failings?

His ridges and loops
are somewhat pronounced.

But his whorls
are quite a normal shape.

His holes?

- Whorls.
- Holes?

- Whorls!
- What... Holes?

- "Whor", as in..."whore".

"L-S"...as in "Lisa".

- Whore Lisa?
- I'm just trying to be helpful.

Yeah, well, maybe don't.

Mmm. Interesting.

- What?
- Very dry. Bit loopy.

Well, that's rich.

BOTH: Boop.

Oh, my God.
That is so weird.

I haven't got time, Tash.

Well, I'm not one for gossip,
right?

I think you're confusing
yourself with someone else.

No, I'm not.
It's just really interesting.

OK, Tash, I don't care. OK?

Fine. Well, I really like
that fingerprint lady.

- The fingerprint lady?
- You said you didn't care.

- Is there gossip?
- What's it to you?

Nothing.

Well, I wasn't listening in
or anything - you know me.

But this Tess said that it was
really odd being here...

- Jess. It's Jess.
- Yeah.

It was really odd
being here because...

she knew she'd come back here
in six months to have a baby.

And the father of the baby -
get this -

works here in this hospital.

That's funny, isn't it?

Funny, isn't it?

Hello? Oh, my God.
I knew you weren't interested.

I'm not telling you my gossip
ever again.

- Here.
- Thank you.

- Oh, Ryan.
- I'm not here to ask you back.

- So, what, you're in labour?
- Shut up.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Um... I...

I just wanna say that you're...

the best thing
that's ever happened in my life

and I just want you
to give me a second chance.

And I'll understand it
if you don't.

- I just want to give you this.
- (Gasps)

OK? I'm...

Is it sausages?

What is it? Is it a ring?

No, it's a ticket
from our first date.

Pirates of the Caribbean 4:
On Stranger Tides.

- That's rubbish.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it was a rubbish,
rubbish film.

But a great first date.

So... what, are you gonna, like,
get your money back?

I can't believe he kept it.

CAITLIN: Ha! What do you know?

Wow.
Apparently 75% of women

have got different breasts.

What, are they made
of chocolate?

No, you know, just different
to each other in size.

Yeah, my right one's bigger.

Oh, opposite to me.
What about you, Pat?

No, mine are both a good size.

Size doesn't matter. It's what
you do with them that counts.

I'll bear that in mind
for the rest of the day.

Yeah, I haven't actually
measured them, obviously.

It's just a gut feeling.

If you can feel them on your
gut, then you're in big trouble.

Mine are identical, by the way.

Hello.

- Oh, that face.
- What face?

That's your "I'm about to take
responsibility for something

that isn't necessarily
my responsibility" face.

I might just have got someone
pregnant.

Since we last spoke?
Where is she?

No.

About three months ago.

You remember
the double date favour?

- Is it Harry from CPS?
- No.

Why would you think that?
It's Jess.

- Jess?
- Yeah.

Congratulations, pal.

I'm happy for you.
Chuffed to bits.

Hey, I'm gonna be... um...

- What am I gonna be?
- You're not gonna be anything.

And don't be chuffed.
It's not... It's difficult.

Jess and I were great,
you know, but...

I mean, it ended for a reason.
Now there's a baby.

A baby that needs a father.

What should I do?

- About what?
- About the baby!

About the baby, yes!

Well, you know my dad
was never there for me?

Yeah.

Well, I don't think
you'd be that kind of dad.

I think you'd be
a good kind of dad.

I wish you were my dad.

(Sobs)

All right. OK.

(Sobs)

All right.
I thought this was about me?

Oh, you look really nice
out of your... costume.

Protective coverall.

Oh, coverall. Sorry.

Must be funny having a uniform

that's essentially
a paper romper suit.

I like your uniform.

- Tart.
- Excuse me?

- Lemon tart looks lovely.
- Oh, yes, it is nice.

I highly recommend it.

Bit sour, though. Bit bitter.

Better sour than wholesome
and bland, though.

Ha-ha.

Better wholesome and bland
than a... big old...

slag.

Well, I think I won that one.
Whoo.

- Afternoon.
- Pain.

You all right, Prison John?
Not a problem, mate.

I see it's got the address on
and everything. That's good.

Some new tattoos. Nice.

Ahoy there. To The Ship!

(Giggles)
What's the matter, too piratey?

(She laughs nervously)

Um... I can't come.

Wow, have you spoken
to a doctor about it?

(Laughs) I'm sorry.
There's... There's... um...

There's something I have to do.

Did the delivery go OK?

No, it's not work.

OK. Is it something
to do with Jess?

Yeah.

That's fine. That's...

That's fine.
It was just a drink.

She is gorgeous, by the way.

- (Clears throat)
- Oh.

Oh, dear. Well... um...

- No. No, definitely not.
- Let's not. Let's not.

Perhaps... Perhaps... um...
another time.

Wine?

I like wine.

I mean, I'll have a glass
if you'd like... one?

Um... a bottle?

Lisa.

Oh, Ryan, are you still here?

Lisa, I am so sorry
about what I said earlier.

- About... him.
- His name is Matthew.

Matthew, right.
That's it. Look...

I... I realise now that I was
speaking out of jealousy

and that I should be
better than that.

- That's really mature of you.
- I can be mature.

I watched an entire episode of
Downton Abbey the other night.

See, look, I miss your smile,
I miss your jiggly boobs,

and your, you know,
bad fringe. But...

OK, OK, OK. The point is...

I respect Matthew
for what he's doing, right?

He's got a really satisfying
and meaningful gob.

A what?

A satisfying and meaningful gob.

Show me that.

"Satisfying and meaningful job."

- That's what I said.
- Did Jason write this for you?

Jason?

Yeah, the guy from Caf? Nero.
Jason who reads lots of books.

OK, OK, OK.
No, no, no, but listen.

It's what's inside my brain,
yeah?

He just helped me write
how I feel about you.

And how do you feel about me?

I wanna marry you,
you stupid woman.

Oh, wow, Ryan, that's just
too romantic. I can't cope.

Just give me a second chance,
all right? I love you, mate.

Babe.

I'm... I'm in bits without you.

(Laughs)

Just stop it.

OK, I agree to one... tiny meal.

And just as friends.
Just as friends.

Just as friends, that's fine.
Pizza. Or whatever you want.

- Seafood it is, then.
- You know I don't like seafood.

Yes, I do.

Turned round,
showed me his pants!

- No! No.
- He absolutely did.

He's a tremendous arse.

A tremendous arse!

(Laughs)

Do you know, this...
this is so refreshing.

It is. I don't even like white!

- (Laughter)
- It's red!

It's red!

Oh, Luke, do you know...

You sort of give off
this air of mystery.

Why should women
always get to be enigmatic?

Men can be enigmatic too.
Like the Riddler.

- He's in Batman, isn't he?
- Mm. Only in one film, though.

Oh, the Riddler.

Let's go back to yours.

I've got a better idea...

- Let's go back to mine.
- (Laughter)

To the Batcave!

Oh, don't call it that...

ever call it that.

Were you thinking
of ordering any food soon?

- Oh.
- I've... We had forgotten.

OK. I found out.

- What?
- The big secret.

- The drugs thief?
- The baby?

- Which baby?
- Your baby.

- My baby?
- Our baby.

- What?
- I think we need to talk.

Yeah, just wait a minute.
Tess, I've got your stuff here.

Thanks, I'm coming.

Tess. Did you say...
Did you just say Tess?

- Yeah.
- Jess and... Tess?

Yeah, it's kinda cute, huh?

- Mm.
- Tess, this is Matthew.

Hi! I don't know if Jess told
you, my boyfriend works here.

No, she didn't actually
tell me that.

So... um... we needed to talk
about something? Our baby?

Yeah. Our baby.

I was gonna dedicate
one of today's births... to us.

For old times' sake.

Is that something you can... do?

It's becoming more common,
I think.

You know, like naming a star.

CAITLIN: Oh, yes! Yes!
- (Luke grunts)

(Caitlin squeals with pleasure)

I didn't realise
how much tension I'd built up!

A lot of tension.

Look at us.
Couple of old swingers, eh?

I didn't realise
how much we had in common.

I'm going to tell you something,

and I have never told anyone
this before.

The truth will out!

- I really...
- Yes?

...really like Matthew Bunting.

Oh. Well...

We don't have that in common.

And I'm pretty sure
that he likes me back.

Mm... Yeah.

Bad marriage.
Got that in common.

- That's true.
- Mm.

Although, I will say this.

My wife is a very
fine-looking woman.

- As opposed to?
- You.

Obviously. (Laughs)

What?

Caitlin? Has that put
a dampener on things?

Ah, Ian Hanwell.

Somebody call for
hospital security?

- This yours?
- Yep, yep.

Prison John in the canteen asked
me to post it home to his mum.

(Clattering)

Yep. Uses up all the old
drugs bottles. It's recycling.

Prints match those on the
cupboard and canteen items.

Yeah, now you draw
the threads together, I think...

- I might have been used.
- Prison John, Ian?

Paris Hilton hasn't necessarily
been to Paris!

Why don't we just say I found
the box and I confiscated it.

- No.
- Well...

As I know you, I know you're
not capable of anything...

...of anything.
- It's like Charlie's Angels.

Right, that's us all done.
Case closed.

You looking for Matthew?

Case closed.

You said that already. Do you
want me to go and find him?

- Uh...
- All right.

- So what's chicken, then?
- I'd say chicken is the...

the seafood of meat.

Chicken is not
the seafood of meat.

Seafood is the seafood
of seafood.

Lisa! Wait.

I'm sorry. I didn't wanna...

Can you just leave it, baby man?

- What are you doing, Matthew?
- Baby man?

Possibly the most limp thing
I've ever heard.

Oh, yeah? I can come up with
way stronger than that.

Any day of the night.

OK, just keep your thesaurus
in your pants, mister.

You, I thought you were off
with Kylie Minogue.

I was going to have her baby,
and then I wasn't.

- Decisions, decisions.
- Baby man.

- That's still not working.
- I don't think this is working.

- What do you mean?
- For all his flaws,

at least Ryan knows
what he wants.

Pizza.

Or whatever you want.

(Mutters)

We solved it, mate. Some bloke
in the canteen called Pris...

...called John.
Actually I spotted him first.

He had loads of stolen medicine.

- Pint?
- Oh, no, way more than that.

Come on.

Hey, is one of your bollocks
bigger than the other?

Ant's a little bit bigger
than Dec.

- Uh-huh.
- The one on the left.

Yeah, standard.
I'm the other way round.

- Really?
- Mm.

Dec bigger than Ant?
Unheard of.

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