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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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And now a message from
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the President of the United States.
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My fellow Americans, I would
like to address reports
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alleging that I was friends
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with billionaire convicted
sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein
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- and attended his infamous parties.
- _
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Sure, I told New York Magazine in 2002
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- that Epstein is a terrific guy.
- _
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But that was before I found out
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that I said later in the same sentence
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that he likes beautiful
women on the younger side.
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I knew I had to cut off our relationship
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right then and several
years after there.
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Now, I've brought
someone who can confirm
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that we are very innocent.
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Hey, everybody.
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It's me, America's cold sore.
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Every few years, I pop up and remind you
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of your bad choices in the nineties.
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I have never been to
Jeffrey Epstein's home
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on 71st Street between Fifth
and Madison near Jody's Juice.
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Try the strawberry. It's delicious.
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And why would I go to Epstein's home?
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I don't want to be reminded
of the things I've seen there.
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Let's talk about the
so-called "Epstein Jet"
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on which Jeffy-Boy and his friends,
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- who know him as Jeffy-Boy...
- Jeffy-Boy!
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... allegedly committed vile acts.
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Sure, witnesses allege
we were passengers,
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but so was Kevin Spacey.
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I don't think this Boy Scout
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would let anything
untoward happen up there.
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The only reason I was on that jet
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26... I mean, 4 times...
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was it was the best deal on Kayak.com
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And I promise I didn't smoke
a cigarette in the bathroom.
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Which is the only law in the sky,
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according to our
attorney Alan Dershowitz.
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Dershy-Boy!
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He litigates like his
freedom depends on it.
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And it does.
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You know, Bill and I may
disagree on healthcare
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- and criminal justice...
- Barely.
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... but we are unified against
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these all-but-undeniable accusations.
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In the end, aren't we all just Americans
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accused of the most
ghastly crime imaginable?
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And on an unrelated note, I am naming
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a new Deputy Attorney
General... Jeffrey Epstein.
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I'm also pardoning him
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and having his mouth filled with cement.
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Don't you crack, Jeffy-Boy!
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We're sending a rope and potato
chips down that well! I promise!
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- Bill, you're my best friend!
- And you're mine!
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We're gonna get through this
together, little brother!
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I can't believe we almost
let Hillary tear us apart!
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This has been a message from
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two Presidents of the United States.
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It's Joe's turn!
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There's not room for us both!
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Fifty years ago today,
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Buzz Aldrin and a
wise-ass talking monkey
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threw on some scuba gear,
boarded Apollo Creed,
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and shot up to the largest of
all our planets... the Moon.
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Buzz took some funny pictures,
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and NASA left the monkey to die.
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The end.
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Wait! Wait! Wait! Shut up!
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- Sir, is everything...
- Shhh!
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- It's just...
- Shhhhhhhh!
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Holy shit! I forgot about...
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Spppppaaaace Foooorrrrccce!
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Space Force! Space Force!
Space Force! Space Force!
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We gotta do Space Force!
What happened to Space Force?!
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You sort of went on an
obstruction-of-justice bender,
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so we kicked it down the road.
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Mike, you garage-door
motor-brained moron!
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We could be blowing up stuff in
space right now, and instead...
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I'm commemorating
this Kirk Douglas-looking-ass
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space clown!
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Give me four hours,
and I'll have an update.
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Cool. Yeah. Take your time.
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It's not like I'm your boss or anything.
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I'm so excited!
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Are you excited? I'm excited!
Don't start. I gotta pee.
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It's starting! Forget it!
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I'll pee at halftime.
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Here is your update on
Space Force, an institution
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I fundamentally disagree
with as a science skeptic,
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but no one listened when
I explained that 17 times,
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so here we go.
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Whoo-hoo! Space Force!
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Oh, man, I got to pee so
bad. I'm gonna pee in a cup!
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Next slide, please.
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00:04:00,986 --> 00:04:03,720
The Defense Department's
legislative proposal outlines
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00:04:03,722 --> 00:04:05,055
- a five-year rollout...
- Ah, geez.
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00:04:05,057 --> 00:04:07,291
... beginning the start
of fiscal year 2020.
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00:04:07,293 --> 00:04:08,592
The budget request is...
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00:04:08,594 --> 00:04:10,594
- Ugh....
- $72.4 million...
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0.07% of the annual...
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- Ueeeghhh!
- ... D.O.D. budget.
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00:04:14,556 --> 00:04:16,356
Mikey, I asked for Star Wars,
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and you brought me Star Wars: The Book!
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I've read some Star Wars books.
They're actually pretty good.
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00:04:20,972 --> 00:04:23,106
Pompeo, you're so far out of your lane
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that you've slammed into a Roy Rogers.
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Here are the questions I want answered.
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Will the rockets have thick, red lasers?
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Will the astronauts be
500-pound nutjobs with buzz cuts?
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Can we all get sweatshirts
that say "Space Force"?
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First, we need to lay
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the legislative and
budgetary groundwork.
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I'm so mad at you right now!
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Everyone, make sure
Pence drinks this cup!
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"Groundwork". What an asshole!
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Thank you all for attending
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the 2019 Iowa Democratic
Party Hall of Fame Dinner.
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See you at the Iowa Caucuses!
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00:04:53,149 --> 00:04:55,170
What's the first thing you're
gonna do when you're president?
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00:04:55,172 --> 00:04:57,506
I'm gonna give a speech
so lacking in substance
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that time freezes and I can
check out everyone's underpants.
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00:05:00,677 --> 00:05:02,544
I'm gonna take off these wool socks.
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00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,224
Both my feet look like
the potato nobody buys
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00:05:05,249 --> 00:05:07,763
because it's started to
sprout its own side potato.
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00:05:07,788 --> 00:05:09,717
I'm gonna call Al Franken and say,
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"Can you believe you're
there and I'm here?"
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You all think I'm gonna do
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00:05:13,157 --> 00:05:16,361
some Native American
celebratory dance, but I won't.
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00:05:16,386 --> 00:05:19,549
My tribe values quiet
reflection over revelry.
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00:05:19,574 --> 00:05:21,907
I'm gonna kick back
and teach myself Welsh.
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I'm gonna bring in a pig,
tell my staff it's the mascot,
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let them pet it...
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then jam an iron rod through
its frickin' forehead!
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- Holy crap!
- Jesus, Amy!
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What is wrong with you?
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00:05:32,241 --> 00:05:34,475
Ohh, so when a man
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slaughters a pig in
front of his staff...
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00:05:36,646 --> 00:05:38,312
- No!
- That's your defense?!
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00:05:38,314 --> 00:05:40,781
- What about you, Cory?
- Oh, thank you for asking.
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00:05:40,783 --> 00:05:42,716
- I'm gonna...
- I'm just messin' with you.
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You're not gonna be president!
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It's not funny!
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Good news is, one of us
will absolutely beat Trump,
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and nothing will change that.
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00:05:52,261 --> 00:05:54,061
Good news for the White House tonight.
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00:05:54,085 --> 00:05:56,731
President Trump's approval
rating is holding steady,
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00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:58,790
and in key states, he's running even
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with many in the Democratic field.
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00:06:02,831 --> 00:06:05,632
Daddy! I heard you made
Mike Pence drink pee!
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Did he try to wash your feet again?
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00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:09,982
Mike hasn't done a minute
of work on Space Force.
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00:06:10,007 --> 00:06:12,375
This isn't like figuring
out which candy to keep
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00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,865
in a steakhouse men's room
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where you really got to
hunker down on the details.
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00:06:16,101 --> 00:06:17,500
It's a space mission.
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00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:21,104
I'll talk to him. Which Equinox
does he belong to again?
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Forget it. It's just...
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00:06:22,407 --> 00:06:24,407
every time I try to do something cool...
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like the wall or Muslim Ban...
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some nerd has to come
along and talk my ear off
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about whether it's actually
possible, as if I care.
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Ugh! Samesies.
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I tried to turn Jared
into Channing Tatum
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by taping human muscles to him,
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00:06:36,887 --> 00:06:39,488
and some scientist was
like, "That won't work."
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00:06:40,084 --> 00:06:42,417
Thanks for meeting
with us on short notice.
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00:06:42,442 --> 00:06:43,786
We know you've got a lot of shade
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00:06:43,811 --> 00:06:45,244
and clapback on your schedule.
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00:06:45,246 --> 00:06:47,179
Everyone in my bubble
says Trump is doomed,
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00:06:47,204 --> 00:06:48,703
but his poll numbers are steady.
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00:06:48,728 --> 00:06:51,229
What did you learn from your
loss that can help us beat him?
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00:06:51,254 --> 00:06:52,854
I didn't lose.
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00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:55,631
I won the popular vote
and the presidency.
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- Uhh...
- Uh, I-I... Uh...
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The 2020 campaign
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00:06:59,159 --> 00:07:01,792
brought back some bad
memories that she's coped with
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00:07:01,794 --> 00:07:03,794
by breaking off into her own reality.
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00:07:03,796 --> 00:07:05,273
One time, I tried to wake her up,
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00:07:05,298 --> 00:07:06,831
and she bit me in the Adam's apple!
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00:07:06,856 --> 00:07:08,088
I gotta kick you out.
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The "cabinet meeting" is starting soon,
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00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:13,239
and I gotta put suits
and ties on the cats.
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00:07:13,264 --> 00:07:16,499
Bill, please remind
the Secretary of Education
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to stop licking his asshole.
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This is some burden,
but I figure it's God
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punishing me for all the things
I did and continue to do.
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00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,019
Secretary Fuzzy Wuzzy,
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I want boots on the ground
in Turkmenistan yesterday!
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00:07:37,131 --> 00:07:38,898
You're watching "Space Fighters:
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00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:40,265
Thick Laser Edition."
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00:07:40,267 --> 00:07:42,568
Hey, Mister P-r-r-resident!
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I heard from someone who has friends
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00:07:45,205 --> 00:07:47,139
that you're giving up on Space Force.
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Space Force is gonna be our most awesome
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00:07:49,710 --> 00:07:53,078
quagmire-generating military branch yet!
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00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,713
And we are not just saying that
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00:07:54,715 --> 00:07:56,615
because the defense aeronautics industry
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digs us another subterranean wine cave
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00:07:59,319 --> 00:08:01,253
every time we utter the word "rocket".
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00:08:01,255 --> 00:08:02,855
Rocket, rocket, rocket!
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00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,691
You really think Space Force
is worth more of my time
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00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:08,260
than tricking Pompeo
into eating a caterpillar?
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00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:10,828
Being the president
who launched Space Force
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00:08:10,830 --> 00:08:12,730
would be pretty cool...
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00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:17,569
Hey, aren't you the president
who started a military branch
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00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:19,337
that's in friggin' space?
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00:08:19,339 --> 00:08:20,838
- Guilty!
- Holy shit.
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00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,408
The pizza's on me, sir.
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00:08:23,433 --> 00:08:25,530
Hey, want to see what
the pepperonis look like
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00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:26,718
before we chop 'em up?
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00:08:26,743 --> 00:08:28,847
Goddamn right I do!
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00:08:30,096 --> 00:08:31,804
Gentlemen... I'll reconsider.
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00:08:31,822 --> 00:08:34,786
Hoo-hoo-hoo! That's the
spirit! Can I do a mission?
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00:08:34,788 --> 00:08:37,389
I can't wait to find out
what zero gravity does
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00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:38,723
to my jowl meat!
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00:08:38,725 --> 00:08:42,259
Blblblblblblb-oglglgl! Blblblblblblb!
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00:08:42,261 --> 00:08:45,196
Ted Cr-u-u-u-u-uz!
219
00:08:45,198 --> 00:08:48,232
Last night, I had a dream
that I won the nomination
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00:08:48,234 --> 00:08:50,568
then lost all 50 states to Trump.
221
00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:52,837
I couldn't get one
senator's wife to hug me!
222
00:08:52,839 --> 00:08:55,406
I had the same dream.
Except for the last part.
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00:08:55,408 --> 00:08:56,874
- Me too.
- Yeah, except for that last part.
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00:08:56,876 --> 00:08:58,776
Yeah, no, definitely not that last part.
225
00:08:58,778 --> 00:09:01,212
Fuck it. I'm not letting
that nightmare come true.
226
00:09:01,214 --> 00:09:04,949
I'm throwing the race. The
presidency can eat my ass.
227
00:09:04,951 --> 00:09:07,852
- You're dropping out?
- No, you deaf shower fungus.
228
00:09:07,854 --> 00:09:10,388
I'm sittin' on millions in donor cash.
229
00:09:10,413 --> 00:09:12,724
I'm gonna Brewster's Millions this shit
230
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:14,892
until there's not a nickel left.
231
00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:17,896
It's not a bad idea. I'm
throwing my race, too.
232
00:09:17,921 --> 00:09:18,986
- Me too.
- Me too.
233
00:09:19,011 --> 00:09:20,631
Is anyone gonna try to win?
234
00:09:20,633 --> 00:09:21,998
- No.
- I don't know how to lose.
235
00:09:22,023 --> 00:09:23,190
Just keep doing what you're doing.
236
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:24,439
The question is now...
237
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,937
who's gonna be the best worst candidate?
238
00:09:28,674 --> 00:09:32,843
Look at space. So peaceful. So boring.
239
00:09:32,845 --> 00:09:34,577
Leave it to Pence to make deploying
240
00:09:34,579 --> 00:09:36,579
a sophisticated military apparatus
241
00:09:36,581 --> 00:09:38,849
in zero gravity sound complicated.
242
00:09:38,851 --> 00:09:41,457
For some people, it is complicated,
243
00:09:41,482 --> 00:09:43,248
but you don't have to worry about that.
244
00:09:43,273 --> 00:09:45,206
You're the guy who walks
into that boardroom,
245
00:09:45,231 --> 00:09:46,731
says whatever the hell you want,
246
00:09:46,756 --> 00:09:49,689
and leaves the minimum-wage
doctor nerds to figure it out.
247
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,849
You've thoughtlessly
blurted out amazing ideas...
248
00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:55,474
Trump Computer, Trump Milk,
249
00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:57,443
Trump Four-Legged Pleasure Doll.
250
00:09:57,468 --> 00:09:58,768
Those didn't work, Eric,
251
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:00,903
and the milk was sharp to the touch.
252
00:10:00,905 --> 00:10:02,952
But this time is gonna be different.
253
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,074
Oh, really? How could you think that?
254
00:10:05,076 --> 00:10:09,145
Because I'm not thinking, Dad,
and you shouldn't, either.
255
00:10:12,735 --> 00:10:15,179
My fellow Americans, we choose
256
00:10:15,204 --> 00:10:18,341
to launch Space Force
before the week is out,
257
00:10:18,366 --> 00:10:21,366
not because it's easy...
which it is, Mike...
258
00:10:21,391 --> 00:10:24,091
not because aeronautic
defense contractors
259
00:10:24,116 --> 00:10:27,217
overpay their Mar-a-Lago dues 400%,
260
00:10:27,242 --> 00:10:30,503
but because it's cool as hell!
261
00:10:30,528 --> 00:10:33,595
Because that goal will allow
us to make sweet sweatshirts.
262
00:10:33,620 --> 00:10:36,321
Because that challenge
is one that will produce,
263
00:10:36,346 --> 00:10:40,403
if we're lucky, a big-ass
explosion in zero gravity.
264
00:10:40,428 --> 00:10:42,039
In conclusion...
265
00:10:42,064 --> 00:10:44,498
Spaaace Foooorce!
266
00:10:46,316 --> 00:10:48,360
As we all know,
267
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:51,212
Pence's Space Force book
report was a snoozer,
268
00:10:51,228 --> 00:10:53,228
so I made a version that
covers the nitty-gritty
269
00:10:53,230 --> 00:10:54,897
but is still enjoyable.
270
00:10:54,899 --> 00:10:56,397
Lights...
271
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,233
♪ Huah! Huah! ♪
272
00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:02,937
♪ Space! Force! ♪
273
00:11:02,939 --> 00:11:06,173
♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪
274
00:11:09,178 --> 00:11:13,047
♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪
275
00:11:17,954 --> 00:11:19,487
So, just do that.
276
00:11:19,489 --> 00:11:21,556
I assume there aren't any questions.
277
00:11:21,558 --> 00:11:23,791
Uhp, I see a few hands.
Bathroom's down the hall.
278
00:11:23,793 --> 00:11:25,459
What were we supposed to gain from that?
279
00:11:25,461 --> 00:11:27,528
Space Force is awesome. Next question.
280
00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:30,464
Why did the rocket explode at the end?
281
00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:32,266
Because it's awesome. Next question.
282
00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:33,667
Do we have the budget for this?
283
00:11:33,669 --> 00:11:36,103
Do you have the budget
for your shitty face?!
284
00:11:36,105 --> 00:11:37,638
Are there any cool questions?
285
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,806
Unlike your casinos, if this fails,
286
00:11:39,808 --> 00:11:43,544
you can't convert space into
an unlicensed pigeon sanctuary.
287
00:11:43,546 --> 00:11:46,713
We need a backup plan.
Or at least a plan.
288
00:11:46,715 --> 00:11:49,517
I'm gonna show you
turds how wrong you are.
289
00:11:49,519 --> 00:11:51,685
The following words are now forbidden...
290
00:11:51,687 --> 00:11:53,787
"plan", "details",
and "fully functional".
291
00:11:53,789 --> 00:11:56,023
Got it?
292
00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:57,525
I'm Rachel Maddow,
293
00:11:57,527 --> 00:12:00,221
and my lunch order mentions
the Teapot Dome scandal.
294
00:12:00,246 --> 00:12:02,910
A strange day on the Democratic
presidential campaign trail.
295
00:12:02,935 --> 00:12:04,664
It appears as though the candidates
296
00:12:04,666 --> 00:12:07,133
are tanking their campaigns
so none have to face
297
00:12:07,135 --> 00:12:09,135
Donald Trump in the general election.
298
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,386
Here are the highlights.
299
00:12:10,411 --> 00:12:13,273
If I could, I'd do the whole
Anita Hill thing over again
300
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,807
the exact same way!
301
00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:18,445
I want you all to meet
my mascot, Mr. Oinky!
302
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,413
As an African-American woman, I...
303
00:12:20,415 --> 00:12:23,144
You know who gets a bad rap? Stalin!
304
00:12:23,169 --> 00:12:26,819
I'm gonna turn meter maids into
mindless killing machines! Yes!
305
00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:29,922
If elected president, I will
get blackout at my inauguration,
306
00:12:29,924 --> 00:12:33,126
hop in my minivan, and sideswipe
the Washington Monument!
307
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,526
My pick for vice president
308
00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:36,696
is the next chipped-tooth motherfucker
309
00:12:36,698 --> 00:12:38,363
I run into on the street.
310
00:12:38,365 --> 00:12:41,601
Sir, you're about to be very happy,
311
00:12:41,603 --> 00:12:44,136
because we're here to look
at the first prototypes
312
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,371
for space-based weaponry!
313
00:12:46,373 --> 00:12:48,140
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
314
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,643
Is someone filming this?!
315
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,545
Very funny, Bolton. Now
show me the real spaceship
316
00:12:53,547 --> 00:12:55,815
with plasma railguns, command bridge,
317
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:58,150
and bumper sticker that says
"My other ride is your wife."
318
00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,251
These are the weapons.
319
00:12:59,253 --> 00:13:00,753
That part there emits
320
00:13:00,755 --> 00:13:04,123
high-powered microwaves
and radio-frequency jammers.
321
00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:06,191
They're small due to
the payload capacities...
322
00:13:06,193 --> 00:13:08,060
Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah,
blah-blah, blah-blah!
323
00:13:08,062 --> 00:13:11,596
You all are really testing
my faith in humanity's ability
324
00:13:11,598 --> 00:13:13,652
to slaughter each other in space.
325
00:13:13,677 --> 00:13:16,868
Welcome to another
2020 presidential debate
326
00:13:16,870 --> 00:13:19,504
featuring the candidates
from the Democratic Party.
327
00:13:19,506 --> 00:13:21,673
I'm Anderson Cooper, and, no, I'm not.
328
00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:24,039
The candidates are
coming off a rough week
329
00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:26,511
but can hopefully redeem
themselves tonight.
330
00:13:26,513 --> 00:13:28,212
Mr. Vice President, why should you be
331
00:13:28,214 --> 00:13:30,458
President of the United States?
332
00:13:30,483 --> 00:13:32,617
Tonight ain't about why
you should vote for me...
333
00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:36,220
a man who Obama chained to
a radiator for eight years...
334
00:13:36,222 --> 00:13:38,256
but why you should
vote for someone else.
335
00:13:38,258 --> 00:13:40,892
I don't know, let's say,
overdue Medal of Honor recipient
336
00:13:40,894 --> 00:13:42,124
Pete Buttigieg!
337
00:13:42,149 --> 00:13:44,077
No, no, no. Don't vote for me.
338
00:13:44,102 --> 00:13:46,664
I'm just trying to get a
job outside the Midwest.
339
00:13:46,666 --> 00:13:47,818
This place sucks.
340
00:13:47,843 --> 00:13:49,399
Vote for a true patriot...
341
00:13:49,401 --> 00:13:52,302
my dear friend Amy Klobuchar!
342
00:13:52,304 --> 00:13:54,838
Fuck you! Don't vote for me.
343
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,736
I have a power drill under my
desk in case an intern sneezes!
344
00:13:58,761 --> 00:14:01,111
Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand,
345
00:14:01,113 --> 00:14:02,893
is a goddamn saint.
346
00:14:02,918 --> 00:14:04,902
Lizzy's not here right now!
347
00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:08,228
I'm the Dark Proggo,
fire prince of the night,
348
00:14:08,253 --> 00:14:09,553
swallower of souls,
349
00:14:09,555 --> 00:14:12,819
and the last thing children
see before they die!
350
00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,877
Actually, I would make
an excellent president,
351
00:14:14,902 --> 00:14:16,470
and here's why...
352
00:14:16,495 --> 00:14:18,895
Shut up! You're the worst!
353
00:14:21,365 --> 00:14:23,399
What are we watching here?
354
00:14:23,401 --> 00:14:25,899
- Doctors performing surgery?
- Wrong.
355
00:14:25,924 --> 00:14:28,792
We're watching doctors not thinking.
356
00:14:28,817 --> 00:14:31,184
Thinking gets in the
way of your body doing
357
00:14:31,209 --> 00:14:33,843
what it innately knows how to do.
358
00:14:33,845 --> 00:14:37,479
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're
thinking while doing surgery.
359
00:14:37,481 --> 00:14:40,149
Maybe a better metaphor
would be, uh, figure skating?
360
00:14:40,151 --> 00:14:41,517
Figure skaters have to think
361
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:43,219
about every muscle in their body.
362
00:14:43,221 --> 00:14:45,654
Space Force is like surgery... simple.
363
00:14:45,656 --> 00:14:48,390
We just jam a busty,
scorpion-shaped space shuttle
364
00:14:48,392 --> 00:14:50,115
into a cannon and light the wick.
365
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,975
Can it be a regular shuttle
with a curvaceous scorpion
366
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,773
- painted on the side?
- Ugh!
367
00:14:54,798 --> 00:14:58,500
You're making the biggest
mistake of your life, but fine.
368
00:15:01,930 --> 00:15:04,072
Space Force in five...
369
00:15:04,074 --> 00:15:08,744
Four, three, two, one!
370
00:15:08,746 --> 00:15:10,846
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
371
00:15:10,848 --> 00:15:11,980
Here it goes!
372
00:15:11,982 --> 00:15:13,211
Why isn't it launching?!
373
00:15:13,236 --> 00:15:15,104
Because you just started counting down
374
00:15:15,129 --> 00:15:17,496
irregardless of the launch time.
375
00:15:18,479 --> 00:15:21,390
And that's when I knew
I would never be able
376
00:15:21,392 --> 00:15:24,426
to buy off-the-rack socks again.
377
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:28,696
Spppaaaace Foooorrrce!
378
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,968
Don't explode, don't explode,
don't explode, don't explode.
379
00:15:33,970 --> 00:15:35,370
It didn't explode!
380
00:15:35,372 --> 00:15:37,739
Ha-ha!
381
00:15:37,741 --> 00:15:41,576
Mission control assures me
the rocket is dressed as a nun
382
00:15:41,578 --> 00:15:44,178
so no one suspects it's
about to kill someone.
383
00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:45,846
But this isn't just a victory
384
00:15:45,848 --> 00:15:48,683
for the good people at
Lockheed Martin, Boeing,
385
00:15:48,685 --> 00:15:51,700
and the now-rejuvenated
skull-shaped island market.
386
00:15:51,725 --> 00:15:54,160
It's a victory for thoughtlessness.
387
00:15:54,185 --> 00:15:57,524
Like the Iraq War or Obamacare website,
388
00:15:57,549 --> 00:15:59,181
from this moment forward,
389
00:15:59,183 --> 00:16:01,905
we will not think things through!
390
00:16:01,930 --> 00:16:05,170
Mr. President, weren't both
of those massive failures?
391
00:16:05,195 --> 00:16:07,974
Iraq? No, that was pr... No,
that was pretty bad.
392
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:09,581
That website, though... N...
393
00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:11,549
No, that... That was bad, also.
394
00:16:11,551 --> 00:16:14,119
Uh, oh, uh, uh... Can you excuse me?
395
00:16:14,121 --> 00:16:16,321
Shit-shit-shit-shit,
shit-shit-shit-shit-shit...
396
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,691
A new poll shows the floundering
397
00:16:19,693 --> 00:16:21,426
Democratic presidential candidates
398
00:16:21,428 --> 00:16:23,695
all with 0% support.
399
00:16:23,697 --> 00:16:24,729
- Hey, hey!
- We did it!
400
00:16:24,731 --> 00:16:26,418
Congratulations, kids.
401
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,168
I wouldn't wish Hillary's
fate upon anyone.
402
00:16:29,170 --> 00:16:32,285
If you want to be
Secretary of Transportation,
403
00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:34,506
you need to let Mommy give you a bath.
404
00:16:34,508 --> 00:16:35,973
On the Republican side,
405
00:16:35,975 --> 00:16:38,843
concern that President Trump
is leading the United States
406
00:16:38,845 --> 00:16:41,313
into a military quagmire in space
407
00:16:41,315 --> 00:16:43,589
has caused his poll numbers to slump.
408
00:16:43,614 --> 00:16:45,717
Hey, guys...
409
00:16:45,719 --> 00:16:48,218
what if Donald Trump
becomes vulnerable again?
410
00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:50,010
I told a bunch of schoolchildren
411
00:16:50,012 --> 00:16:51,992
I was gonna cut off their
faces with a meat slicer.
412
00:16:52,016 --> 00:16:54,807
If Trump's unpopular
and we're unpopular,
413
00:16:54,832 --> 00:16:56,565
who is America gonna vote for?
414
00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:59,024
Widespread opposition of
the major-party candidates
415
00:16:59,049 --> 00:17:02,388
has reactivated the
campaign of Starbucks CEO
416
00:17:02,390 --> 00:17:04,625
and nihilist sociopath Howard Schultz.
417
00:17:04,627 --> 00:17:06,426
- Aaaaah!
- Nooooo!
418
00:17:06,428 --> 00:17:09,561
I don't want to know. Is it bad?
419
00:17:09,563 --> 00:17:12,798
It's fine, as long as
the Chinese, Iranians,
420
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,500
and North Koreans play nice.
421
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,237
Boom! Ha-ha!
422
00:17:18,239 --> 00:17:20,305
Felt that one in my tailbone!
423
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,441
Looks like you're gonna need to send up
424
00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,043
some more weapons, Don!
425
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:25,377
You guys look great!
426
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:26,854
Where did you get all that stuff?
427
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,749
Our friends Lockheed and
Martin took us shopping!
428
00:17:29,751 --> 00:17:30,950
Unrelated to this.
429
00:17:30,952 --> 00:17:32,785
No further questions, Your Honor.
430
00:17:32,787 --> 00:17:36,022
How quickly can we blast nine
more billion-dollar rockets
431
00:17:36,024 --> 00:17:37,356
into that powder keg in the sky?
432
00:17:39,694 --> 00:17:42,561
The president just launched
more rockets into space...
433
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:44,363
an escalation that, history shows us,
434
00:17:44,388 --> 00:17:46,188
leads to an everlasting peace.
435
00:17:46,213 --> 00:17:48,646
Just kidding. It caused
a five-nation space war.
436
00:17:48,671 --> 00:17:51,372
Meanwhile, scientists
warn that space debris
437
00:17:51,397 --> 00:17:52,981
is falling at deadly speeds,
438
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:55,012
just like the President's poll numbers.
439
00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:58,098
Great. We just turned
this into a three-way race.
440
00:17:58,123 --> 00:18:01,257
I haven't felt this lousy
since Patty Murray pantsed me
441
00:18:01,282 --> 00:18:02,971
on my first day in the Senate.
442
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:05,417
Throwing this race
was a great idea, Amy.
443
00:18:05,419 --> 00:18:07,653
- I don't like that mouth at all!
- Whoa!
444
00:18:07,655 --> 00:18:08,987
- Hey, calm down!
- De-escalate!
445
00:18:10,891 --> 00:18:13,391
Are you... expecting someone?
446
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:15,194
No.
447
00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:18,863
That's not someone.
448
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,699
That's some thing.
449
00:18:41,755 --> 00:18:43,788
Daddy's home.
450
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,656
- Aaaah!
- Noooo!
451
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,660
Holy shit! It's him! Hillary,
where do you keep your guns?!
452
00:18:48,685 --> 00:18:51,252
No guns, but I do have
the nuclear football.
453
00:18:51,277 --> 00:18:53,377
- Amy, get him!
- I looked him in the eye!
454
00:18:53,402 --> 00:18:55,069
I can't move!
455
00:18:55,094 --> 00:18:57,962
Behold the awesome power of a centrist
456
00:18:57,987 --> 00:19:00,988
who appeals to the 42% of Americans
457
00:19:01,013 --> 00:19:03,227
who identify as independent.
458
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,944
Those voters could be independent
459
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:06,887
because they're far left
or they're far right,
460
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:08,645
you crazy-eyed bastard!
461
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:10,803
Oh, yeah. Huh.
462
00:19:10,828 --> 00:19:12,884
Hm. It doesn't matter.
463
00:19:12,909 --> 00:19:16,109
By saturating Americans
with Starbucks for decades,
464
00:19:16,134 --> 00:19:18,294
I've primed them to support a candidate
465
00:19:18,319 --> 00:19:20,486
who is just as physically nauseating
466
00:19:20,511 --> 00:19:23,724
and economically criminal
as that terrible coffee.
467
00:19:23,749 --> 00:19:25,815
Americans are readier than ever
468
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,308
to get behind something that sucks.
469
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,125
They're ready for Howard Schultz.
470
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:34,151
Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.
471
00:19:37,564 --> 00:19:39,399
Well, I'm gonna punch out for the day.
472
00:19:39,424 --> 00:19:41,958
If you guys need me, I'll
be just doing my thang.
473
00:19:41,983 --> 00:19:43,990
Oh, and, uh, if you left
your deck chairs outside,
474
00:19:44,015 --> 00:19:45,281
you might want to drag 'em in
475
00:19:45,283 --> 00:19:47,286
because it's really coming down today.
476
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,186
Sir, fiery metal chunks
traveling at the speed of sound
477
00:19:50,188 --> 00:19:51,768
- are falling from space.
- Oh, really?
478
00:19:51,784 --> 00:19:54,451
Well, are you sure Earth isn't
just going up into the chunks?
479
00:19:54,453 --> 00:19:55,886
I asked the same thing,
480
00:19:55,888 --> 00:19:58,087
but a guy with glasses
explained that it's not.
481
00:19:58,089 --> 00:20:00,423
I know, Pompeo. Okay? You
know why it's happening?
482
00:20:00,425 --> 00:20:02,009
Because you all spent so much time
483
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,059
focusing on the Space Force details
484
00:20:04,061 --> 00:20:06,128
that you lost sight of
the overall awesomeness!
485
00:20:06,130 --> 00:20:08,831
Sir, this is why you
always need a backup plan.
486
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,864
I thought I banned the P-word!
487
00:20:10,889 --> 00:20:12,333
You know, launching a program
488
00:20:12,358 --> 00:20:14,270
that incites an international arms race
489
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:17,440
in a once-peaceful
frontier could've been fun!
490
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,542
But you brainiacs ruined it!
491
00:20:27,118 --> 00:20:29,685
At least pizza will cheer me up.
492
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:32,122
- One slice of pepperoni, please.
- Not for you.
493
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:33,855
My boss is making me go up to the roof
494
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:36,691
and clean up space junk thanks
to your brainless bullshit.
495
00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,194
Come on, man! I've had a rough day.
496
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,729
Just give me one?
497
00:20:40,731 --> 00:20:42,771
I'm gonna call the cops,
my dude. Take a hike.
498
00:20:42,796 --> 00:20:44,066
Fine. I'll go.
499
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,068
But only if you show me
what the pepperonis look like
500
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:47,336
before you chop 'em up.
501
00:20:47,338 --> 00:20:49,065
I'll take that secret to my grave.
502
00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:50,900
Now beat it before I kick your ass.
503
00:20:50,925 --> 00:20:52,774
Ugh! Not again!
504
00:20:52,776 --> 00:20:54,743
Jackie, where's the broom?!
505
00:20:56,347 --> 00:20:59,448
Look, Howard, I respect what
you've done with Starbucks.
506
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:01,350
No one drives their employees insane
507
00:21:01,352 --> 00:21:03,285
with Norah Jones music better than you.
508
00:21:03,287 --> 00:21:06,287
But if you run, hell, you'll
hand the presidency to Trump.
509
00:21:06,289 --> 00:21:10,224
Joe, what are you talking about?
I'm already the president.
510
00:21:10,226 --> 00:21:11,859
What?
511
00:21:11,861 --> 00:21:13,694
"Instead of 'billionaire',
512
00:21:13,696 --> 00:21:16,497
I prefer you call me
a 'person of means'.
513
00:21:16,499 --> 00:21:18,366
President Howard Schultz"?!
514
00:21:18,368 --> 00:21:20,368
I'm too late!
515
00:21:30,813 --> 00:21:32,913
And in political news,
516
00:21:32,915 --> 00:21:35,115
space junk continues
to kill thousands...
517
00:21:35,117 --> 00:21:37,584
and President Trump's
re-election chances.
518
00:21:37,586 --> 00:21:39,953
Maybe mankind just wasn't meant to bring
519
00:21:39,955 --> 00:21:42,689
their mindless bloodlust to the heavens.
520
00:21:42,691 --> 00:21:45,225
- Yes, they are.
- John F. Kennedy?
521
00:21:45,227 --> 00:21:48,462
You're Congressman Joe
Kennedy III's great-uncle!
522
00:21:48,464 --> 00:21:50,530
What's that silver-tongued
spitfire like?
523
00:21:50,532 --> 00:21:52,065
No time for chitchat.
524
00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:53,867
I'm just killing time before I'm meeting
525
00:21:53,869 --> 00:21:56,403
the ghost of Jayne Mansfield
on Mike Pence's desk.
526
00:21:56,405 --> 00:21:57,904
When I announced we'd go to the Moon,
527
00:21:57,906 --> 00:22:00,140
I had no idea it was even possible.
528
00:22:00,142 --> 00:22:03,250
I was so goofed up on pain
pills that I just blurted it out,
529
00:22:03,275 --> 00:22:05,778
and, luckily, thousands
of eggheads made it happen.
530
00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:07,978
I wish Space Force was like that.
531
00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:09,948
It is. Just keep the faith.
532
00:22:09,950 --> 00:22:12,918
Us privileged white sons
of Nazi sympathizers
533
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,888
need not concern ourselves with details,
534
00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:18,424
because no matter how great our errors,
535
00:22:18,426 --> 00:22:20,459
how harebrained our schemes,
536
00:22:20,461 --> 00:22:22,528
how depraved our predilections,
537
00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:24,363
those who serve beneath us
538
00:22:24,365 --> 00:22:26,499
will provide a nice, soft landing.
539
00:22:26,501 --> 00:22:28,288
Is there a historical anecdote
540
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:29,768
that illustrates your exact point?
541
00:22:29,770 --> 00:22:31,904
Chappaquiddick. Look it up.
542
00:22:31,906 --> 00:22:35,374
I had a dream last night
Schultz ate our souls!
543
00:22:35,376 --> 00:22:36,475
- Me too!
- Me too!
544
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,145
We gotta stop him. Don't ask
me how. I'm a vague-ideas guy.
545
00:22:39,147 --> 00:22:41,914
We need someone smart,
someone who went to Stanford,
546
00:22:41,916 --> 00:22:44,550
won a Rhodes scholarship,
then attended Yale Law.
547
00:22:44,552 --> 00:22:45,584
- Oh, God.
- Shut up.
548
00:22:45,609 --> 00:22:49,755
This Schultz boob just jumped
into the race with no policies.
549
00:22:49,757 --> 00:22:51,657
If we want to go toe-to-hoof with him,
550
00:22:51,659 --> 00:22:53,291
we need someone equally thoughtless.
551
00:22:53,293 --> 00:22:54,360
She's right.
552
00:22:54,385 --> 00:22:56,862
Overthinking's what
got us into this mess,
553
00:22:56,864 --> 00:22:59,631
and underthinking is gonna get us out.
554
00:22:59,633 --> 00:23:01,667
Hmm. Who do we know that never puts
555
00:23:01,669 --> 00:23:03,902
a single thought into anything they do?
556
00:23:06,506 --> 00:23:08,774
Wow! And then he just went home?
557
00:23:08,776 --> 00:23:10,976
I'm not perfect, but
I'm not Ted Kennedy.
558
00:23:10,978 --> 00:23:12,911
I've made Jayne wait long enough.
559
00:23:12,913 --> 00:23:14,713
By the way, should you ever need
560
00:23:14,715 --> 00:23:17,648
the strongest barbiturates
known to medical science,
561
00:23:17,650 --> 00:23:20,585
look behind the painting
in the state dining room.
562
00:23:20,587 --> 00:23:22,449
If that's Jackie, uh,
563
00:23:22,474 --> 00:23:24,941
tell her I'm fighting for
civil rights or some crap.
564
00:23:24,966 --> 00:23:27,600
Hello? Every one of 'em?
565
00:23:29,650 --> 00:23:33,419
And behind Howard Schultz's
eyes, it's completely black.
566
00:23:33,444 --> 00:23:35,944
He doesn't feel like you and me.
567
00:23:35,969 --> 00:23:37,368
He's got acid for blood!
568
00:23:37,393 --> 00:23:39,901
Why would I team up with
you guys to take him down?
569
00:23:39,926 --> 00:23:41,839
You really want to go Mano-a-Mano
570
00:23:41,841 --> 00:23:44,976
with someone who thought less
about their campaign than you?
571
00:23:44,978 --> 00:23:46,410
Alright. Follow my lead,
572
00:23:46,412 --> 00:23:49,814
even though I have the barest
wisp of an idea where I'm going.
573
00:23:49,816 --> 00:23:54,050
♪ Space Force, yeah! ♪
574
00:23:56,455 --> 00:23:58,422
♪ Space Force! ♪
575
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,259
♪ Space Force! ♪
576
00:24:04,863 --> 00:24:07,030
So each and every one of you
577
00:24:07,032 --> 00:24:09,533
is dropping out of the race
and endorsing me?
578
00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:11,201
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
579
00:24:11,203 --> 00:24:13,937
I figured it would come
to this, just not so soon.
580
00:24:13,939 --> 00:24:17,874
How about some...
Starbucks to celebrate?
581
00:24:17,876 --> 00:24:20,070
How thoughtful. Anyone
else gonna partake?
582
00:24:20,095 --> 00:24:21,311
- Nope.
- No.
583
00:24:21,313 --> 00:24:22,846
Okay.
584
00:24:24,450 --> 00:24:26,883
Ahh. This was lovely.
585
00:24:26,885 --> 00:24:28,584
I'll be back with my designers
586
00:24:28,586 --> 00:24:30,120
who specialize in interiors
587
00:24:30,122 --> 00:24:32,622
that, once you enter, you
immediately want to leave.
588
00:24:32,624 --> 00:24:36,826
Idiot! I put JFK's horse
tranquilizers in that coffee!
589
00:24:36,828 --> 00:24:40,429
And as soon as you pass out,
we're shooting you into space!
590
00:24:40,431 --> 00:24:42,732
- Whoo-hoo!
- Take that, asshole!
591
00:24:42,734 --> 00:24:44,656
Why aren't you panicking?
592
00:24:44,681 --> 00:24:48,437
Starbucks coffee is so acidic
that it neutralizes the effects
593
00:24:48,439 --> 00:24:50,639
of even the most dangerous barbiturates.
594
00:24:50,664 --> 00:24:53,931
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna have you arrested
595
00:24:53,956 --> 00:24:56,477
for conspiracy to be
mean to a billionaire.
596
00:24:56,502 --> 00:24:58,345
Don't you mean "person of means"?
597
00:24:58,370 --> 00:25:01,603
"Billionaire" is my word. I can say it.
598
00:25:01,952 --> 00:25:04,619
Okay, Trump. What's your Plan B?
599
00:25:04,621 --> 00:25:06,835
Aww. You thought I had a Plan A.
600
00:25:06,860 --> 00:25:08,593
You're alright, Lizzy.
601
00:25:08,618 --> 00:25:11,293
Well, I guess this is it for all of us.
602
00:25:11,295 --> 00:25:13,562
If you guys want to take
anything from the White House,
603
00:25:13,564 --> 00:25:15,030
I got a crowbar in my desk.
604
00:25:15,032 --> 00:25:17,399
- Wait. But what if we just...
- It's over, Beto.
605
00:25:17,401 --> 00:25:19,668
Times like these, I feel
more grateful than ever
606
00:25:19,670 --> 00:25:20,836
that I have a girlfriend.
607
00:25:20,838 --> 00:25:22,971
- She doesn't exist!
- Shut up!
608
00:25:24,477 --> 00:25:27,412
Take me to the sheriff's
office. No lollygagging.
609
00:25:27,437 --> 00:25:29,488
Right away, future president.
610
00:25:29,513 --> 00:25:32,948
Finally. Someone gets it.
611
00:25:32,950 --> 00:25:35,202
What the hell are we doing out here?
612
00:25:35,227 --> 00:25:37,852
The pawn shop closes in 45 minutes.
613
00:25:37,854 --> 00:25:40,689
Sir, I knew you wouldn't
have a backup plan
614
00:25:40,691 --> 00:25:42,557
to take down Howard Schultz,
615
00:25:42,559 --> 00:25:45,126
and Earth would fly
off orbit into the sun
616
00:25:45,128 --> 00:25:48,597
if Americans lost faith
in their doughy, white men.
617
00:25:48,599 --> 00:25:51,485
So I came up with a plan myself.
618
00:25:51,510 --> 00:25:53,801
Please direct your
attention to the distance,
619
00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:55,870
where the hog-tied coffee magnate
620
00:25:55,872 --> 00:25:58,640
is loaded into a rocket headed for space
621
00:25:58,642 --> 00:26:01,175
in three, two, one!
622
00:26:01,177 --> 00:26:03,345
Blast off!
623
00:26:03,347 --> 00:26:06,881
- Whoo-hoo!
- Spaaaace Foooorrrce!
624
00:26:06,883 --> 00:26:09,416
Please explode, please
explode, please explode.
625
00:26:09,418 --> 00:26:11,946
- Whoo!
- Aww, it didn't explode!
626
00:26:11,971 --> 00:26:14,222
Not that I have a problem
with someone being
627
00:26:14,247 --> 00:26:15,994
in a confined space indefinitely,
628
00:26:16,019 --> 00:26:18,687
but aren't we kind of leaving
Schultz to die in space?
629
00:26:18,712 --> 00:26:20,979
Oh, he has enough
water and gerbil pellets
630
00:26:21,004 --> 00:26:23,738
to last him well past the 2020 election.
631
00:26:23,763 --> 00:26:25,929
Doesn't China, Iran, and North Korea
632
00:26:25,954 --> 00:26:28,002
have militarized spacecrafts up there?
633
00:26:28,027 --> 00:26:29,793
I read that in a French newspaper!
634
00:26:29,818 --> 00:26:30,818
Oh, yeah!
635
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:38,479
But on the other hand, pretty
big-ass explosion, right?
636
00:26:38,481 --> 00:26:39,780
- Yeah!
- What a beautiful sight!
637
00:26:39,782 --> 00:26:41,948
Plus, you blew up a rocket.
638
00:26:41,950 --> 00:26:45,385
And when a rocket explodes
and you need more rockets,
639
00:26:45,387 --> 00:26:47,553
it's a beautiful thing.
640
00:26:47,555 --> 00:26:50,023
You guys look so good.
641
00:26:51,632 --> 00:26:53,666
You can't kill Howard Schultz.
642
00:26:53,691 --> 00:26:56,592
I was here before the world began.
643
00:26:56,617 --> 00:26:59,784
Ha ha ha ha. Ha.
644
00:26:59,809 --> 00:27:02,910
We felt bad Space Force didn't work out
645
00:27:02,935 --> 00:27:05,504
because you're crazy
dumb, so we got you this.
646
00:27:05,529 --> 00:27:06,661
You know what?
647
00:27:06,686 --> 00:27:09,973
A cool sweatshirt is all
I wanted the whole time.
648
00:27:09,998 --> 00:27:12,165
We'll, uh, see you
on the campaign trail?
649
00:27:12,190 --> 00:27:16,263
Yep! Until one of you wins, I
declare the election invalid,
650
00:27:16,288 --> 00:27:19,651
and we settle this in the streets.
651
00:28:17,850 --> 00:28:19,316
Trump!
652
00:28:19,340 --> 00:28:24,340
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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