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Let's get this
booty-shakin' contest started!

Let's go, y'all. Show some
love for booty number one!

Okay. I like that.

Make some noise for booty number two!

Okay. That look like it hurt.

Make some noise for b...
b... booty number three!

Looks like we got a winner!

Never stop believing in yourself.

Oh! Oh, my God! Like, every guy in
here is looking at you right now.

You're like the Nelson
Mandela of thirst trapping.

I don't know who that is, but thank you.

- Check it out.
- Ooh.

NBA?

Small forward and two guard.

Zero minutes between them,

but they both came out
of defensive systems

and it takes a while to
get used to run-and-gun.

Interesting, 'cause I didn't
hear anything after I said "NBA",

and you didn't say no.

Okay, I'm gonna laugh now.

- Hi.
- Hi back.

Can we offer you ladies some champagne?

- Oh, no. That's fine...
- We'll take two.

I thought you were only
doing soda with lime

'cause of your parole?

I'm not supposed to be in a
club either, okay? Fuck a parole.

This is the NBA, girl. Thank you.

I find that I photograph
best in the morning,

when the face skin is tightest.

That sounds wonderful.
What am I doing here?

Sorry, but it couldn't wait.

This, um, inmate overdose
business? It's terrible for PR.

And it is our third inmate
death in as many months,

and I am facilitating a
growth period right now.

It looks bad. It looks bad.

Do you hear what I'm saying?
It just... It looks bad.

And we can't have that. So
we need to make some changes.

So, what are you thinking? Extra guards?

Additional surveillance equipment?

We could bring in a security
consultant. I know this...

No, we need something
bold. Something distracting.

A shiny object. I'm
replacing you as warden.

You know, you really should
never be lit from below.

Makes you look like a monster.

I know. Being alive is hard.

I really wanna thank you for
the opportunity to earn my keep.

Oh, well, I'm not gonna say
I'm not conflicted about it,

but, um, it's a good arrangement.

Otherwise, my whole haul
from the craft fair

would be going to a sitter.

Now, when you warm up the breast milk,

make sure to remove the water
from the heat before they steam,

otherwise it murders all the antibodies.

"Steam is murder".

You know, I'm sorry I haven't
been super helpful lately.

Uh-huh.

It's just that things
with Alex are weird.

You know, I thought it
was a temporary bump,

like a bad vacation or an
unsolicited body criticism,

but she's missed our
last two scheduled calls.

- Uh-huh. You know how to bathe her, right?
- Uh...

In the sink, warm water,
and, uh, don't drown her.

And her socialization group is at
1:00. I'll text you the address.

"Socialization group".

Yeah. It's basically just
a support group for mommies.

They know all about you. And
don't let Maia breastfeed Goodall.

She's trying to get everyone
to round-robin nurse

so the babies get more antibodies,
but I think it's peculiar.

They know all about me? Do
they know that I'm a felon?

I don't think so, but to be honest,

I... I don't really remember
anything from the last six weeks.

There you are.

- Do I have to?
- Relax. You'll be fine.

Last week was almost
entirely horror stories

about episiotomies gone wrong.

Okay.

I am gonna miss you so much!

You are smart and funny.
You have wisdom and insight.

You deserve equal pay. And
strength is beauty. Ooh.

We missed her cue. Shit city.

Make sure to change her before
she gets a rash. Okay. Good luck.

I am trusting you with the
most important part of my life.

- Don't forget to wipe front to back.
- Uh-huh.

Ooh.

I avoided the pig for some of
the obvious connotations...

Hey, miss. Eating up all the cereal,

sitting on your butt,
watching TV all day.

How 'bout doing some
dishes or something?

Make yourself useful.

There's only ten more
minutes in this episode.

Finish later. Go contribute.

Nobody gets a free ride around here.

You get this back when the sink
is empty and the dishwasher's full.

You know how lucky you are
to even have a dishwasher?

You believe these damn kids?

Spoiled already! Getting all
used to the good life and shit.

Corky? You listening to me?

Huh?

Oh. I... I'm sorry, honey.

I'm a little out of it
this morning. I gotta run.

Ain't you forgetting something?

I'm sorry, I don't know
what I was thinking.

- What are you doing?
- I'm kissing you goodbye.

You forgot this.

I told you about
Daya's friend Daddy, the OD, right?

Yeah, thanks for the update. What
am I supposed to do with that?

And I told you about all
the drug seizures, didn't I?

Exactly. That means bitches
in there ain't got drugs now.

That's supply and demand. Business shit.

Yeah, only the prison is on high
alert. You know what that means?

It means that corporate
is havin' us doing random

drug searches every hour.

I just got an email that Fig is
getting transferred because of this.

Now is not the time.

Fig is getting transferred? That
means they looking for a new warden.

So?

So? You need to step up!

You should be running that place.

- You think?
- Hell yeah!

Just sign a few papers, lockdown.
Anybody could do that shit.

Plus, you're next in line.

Think about how much easier
smuggling would be, huh?

You better go to corporate
and take what's yours.

Warden. I never even
considered that before.

Well, it's a good thing Corky
got a businesswoman by his side.

Maybe we can come up with
a different pet name for me?

For Artesian?

♪ See the man in the busy
street He's almost incomplete ♪

Thanks for the ride.

I could buy a new car for what
they're asking to fix my transmission.

Hey, no worries. You can
pay me back however you want.

I'm gonna take the bus tomorrow.

Can't. Doesn't run early enough
to make the morning drug search.

This is such horseshit!

Why do I have to come
in early to be searched,

without pay, when everyone
knows who's smuggling?

They do?

You don't bring in three burritos
a day and look like Hellman.

Oh.

So you've been checking out his figure?

Ew. No, I fucking hate that
guy. I wish he'd get caught.

You're talking about him
going to prison, you know.

You're not thinking
about snitching, are ya?

No.

I'm part of the team.

Jesus fuckin' Christ, Pena,

are you fuckin' vision impaired?
You didn't even touch it.

I think my scope's fucked up.

Did you check the part
that goes between your legs?

Could be there's a rod missing.

Yeah, I'll pull it out and
you can see for yourself.

- Maybe suck it.
- Okay.

Calm it down, ladies.

I noticed you put a lot of pressure
on your shoulder when you fire...

McCullough, you giving him beauty tips?

Mind your own business.

You just wanna make sure that
shoulder pressure stays consistent.

That's a good idea. She can teach
you to shoot even more like a pussy.

Hit more of my target than you.

PFC McCullough.

You know you're not making any
friends by showing off like that.

I was only trying to help
Pena with his shooting.

That's all fine, but you need these
boys to respect you and like you.

You gotta show them
you're part of the team.

How do I do that, Sarge?

It's my job to prepare
you for combat, is it not?

So when you're in the combat zone

and one of those boys yells "contact",

you need to be able to look
at every one of them in the eye

and know that if they have to put
their life on the line for you,

there'll be no hesitation.

- So find a way.
- Yes, Sarge.

- Where's my money?
- Ugh.

My ear is moist now. What
the hell is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me is you
haven't fucking paid me yet.

Yeah, I need to talk to you about that.

These random drug searches

are making it impossible for me to sell.

So you need to hang on to
this until things calm down.

It's only a matter of time
before they check in on me,

and I am not swallowing this again.

They're searching our
lockers twice a day,

so you better Tampax that thing

before I make like I caught you with it.

I can't tuck it in my undies

'cause I got a really big
dick. Ain't enough room.

Yeah, 'cause that's how guys
with really big dicks talk.

You wouldn't believe how big.

So be a good girl and sell
the rest of that package,

or I'll shove my jumbo
dick down your throat, too.

Now I know for sure
you're a fuckin' dyke.

Most girls would've
creamed at that offer.

- It just doesn't make sense.
- What?

Are you gonna eat those
little meaty fingers?

How can I think about
eating little meat fingers

when there's so much going on right now?

What's going on right now?

Did Old Man Frieda finally
come out of her cell?

No, I am not going to be distracted

by Old Man Frieda and her haunted cell.

This is important.

Taystee didn't kill anyone, right?

But the court says
that she is a murderer.

- So...
- So fuckin' what?

So, the system must have made a mistake!

I know, it sounds impossible,
but that has to be what happened.

The court system
actually made a mistake.

- Oh, shit.
- I know.

Should we call the president?

I'm gonna ask somebody
if they have his number.

Hey! Does anybody got
the president's number on them?

- No? No?
- No...

P-Tuck. P-Tuck, stop playing "call
the president". This is serious.

The court system
actually made a mistake.

Big whoop! The court system
always makes mistakes.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Oh, yeah, okay.

So you think that everybody
here deserves to be here?

Yes.

Ethel, she threatened a
school bus full of children

and one kid had an
asthma attack and died.

I didn't know he had asthma. Mmm-mmm.

Well, Judith, she threw
acid in a woman's face.

All right. What about you?

I deserve to be here.
I hurt a boy. Dylan.

Right, but you're... You're crazy.

- I'm...
- Special-brained. Whatever.

But do you really think
you deserve to be here?

I wanna take this time
to thank everybody

who came out to pay
tribute to our friend,

our leader, our protector,

Daddy.

I know...

I know she would've appreciated it.

And now Swope has a
poem she'd like to share.

"In the twilight of a moon as
full and new as the burning sun

You enter me with your fingers

And when you enter me, slick and smooth

Fingers warm like hot
breath against my neck..."

Where the fuck is Diaz?

Would you show up to a memorial
service for somebody you poisoned?

Saw it in her face when she
found out. Fuckin' nothing.

Yeah, that bitch made a move.

We're gonna have to
make a move of our own.

"I explode with the thunderous
crack of a thousand tiny hearts

Breaking across the
greater metropolitan areola".

- What do you want?
- I just...

I just noticed that you wasn't at
the memorial service and, like...

I just wanted to tell you
that you shouldn't be afraid

to acknowledge your grief to people.

It's the first step in moving on.

- Where do you get that bullshit from?
- I read it in a pamphlet.

You know, pamphlets
really been helping me

take my life in a new direction.

They're free in the rec room.

Well, your pamphlet is
wrong about my situation.

I ain't welcome down there.

But why would people not want you to go

to your own girlfriend's
memorial service?

Because...

She made her own decisions. You
cannot blame yourself for this.

Yes, I can.

You didn't make her
take those drugs, Daya.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Look, I just
wanted to teach her a lesson.

I wanted her to stop cheating.

I didn't think she
was gonna fuckin' die.

Barb just freaked out when she took it.

- Do the other girls know?
- I think so.

You cannot go down there.

Um...

Maybe this is a way out.

- Some more of your pamphlet bullshit?
- No, like, for real.

For real. Look, you can leave
this whole gang thing behind.

You could get clean. You already
got a life sentence, right?

So you go to the administration

and maybe they can transfer
you for your own protection.

Send me where? To Ad Seg? To the SHU?

It's better than getting
shanked, all right?

It's worth a shot. You got somebody
in the admin that you trust?

Are you sexy?

Are you sexy?

- You're a sexy motherfucker!
- Yeah, I am.

- You are a sexy motherfucker! Yes!
- I am a sexy motherfucker.

Uh, hello? Uh, hi, this is Rick Hopper.

I'd like to be transferred
to Linda Ferguson, please.

You're proficient with Photoshop, yes?

Mmm-hmm.

- This better be important.
- Hi, Linda!

Um, you know, I can call
back if it's a bad time, or...

Arms folded or unfolded?
Unfolded, right?

Because I don't wanna look like
a local news anchor. Or do I?

Maybe I do.

- I'm waiting, Mr. Hopper.
- Uh, yeah, I... I was...

I was wondering if you
had given any thought

to, uh, who you were going
to pick to be the next warden.

I see. Don't worry, Mr. Hopper,
you're at the top of our list.

That's great. I'm at the top of the
list. That's wonderful.

Uh, yes!

Speaking of, do you
have any recommendations

for your replacement as head guard?

Uh, I don't know.

Officer Hellman. Officer Stefanovic.
Uh, honestly, anybody but Alvarez.

Alvarez, huh? A Hispanic
could be interesting.

There is a big federal
incentive for diversity hires.

Except for he's not
really Hispanic, so...

Great. So just send me a list
of names by this afternoon,

and we will get on with the interviews.

Okay...

You're a sexy motherfucker! Ahhh!

You're not wiping Kellen's ass for me.

You're doing it so that your
baby isn't marinating in shit.

Exactly.

Kim won't even do it.

Oh, no. No. You can't be serious.

Well, she's very triggered by the smell.

It reminds her of her
childhood in India.

Bullshit. That is
straight-up selfishness.

You have to divorce her today.

What about you, Piper?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Why don't you tell us about yourself?

All we know about you is that
you're Neri's sister-in-law.

Oh, no. There's not much to tell.

Oh, please. We're desperate
to live vicariously, okay?

So just tell us about all the sex
that you're having. And the drugs.

Well, I haven't done
very many drugs lately,

because I just...

I haven't.

And I haven't been having very
much sex, because my wife is...

I'm in a long-distance relationship.

- Where is she?
- Far away.

I've seen her once in
the last two months.

- Oh, that's hard.
- It is.

It's really hard to be in a relationship
with someone you never see.

And then there's all this pressure
when you finally do see each other.

Exactly! It's like...

I used to hear it if she
didn't get a good night's sleep.

And now I have no idea...

what she's doing or how she's feeling,

and I'm just afraid she
might do something reckless.

Well, did you marry someone
who does reckless things?

When I brought Kellen home, I would
not leave Sasha alone with her.

Right? 'Cause I was so afraid.

I don't know what I was afraid of.

That he'd do something I wouldn't do?

But I had to remind myself.
I married someone smart.

And I had to trust his judgment,

even if it wasn't exactly
the way I'd do things.

Who wants a turn nursing Nathan?

All right, listen up!

A few quick things, then I'll
let you get back to goofing off.

There've been a lot
of rumors going around

about the place the last couple days,

and I wanted to set the record straight.

There are gonna be some
administrative changes to the prison.

Interim Warden Figueroa
will be leaving us.

- I didn't hear what he said.
- Also, I wanted to inform you all

that PolyCon is currently
accepting applications

for the position of head guard.

If you'd like to be considered,
there will be a bin in the break room

where you can drop off
your application forms.

Are we to understand that
there will be two head guards?

Not quite.

Hopper. Hopper.

Warden Hopper! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I feel like I can accomplish anything!

Okay, all right. Settle down, all right?

Nothing is official yet.

And lastly, if you have any information

regarding the drugs
coming into the prison,

be sure to come directly to me.

I appreciate your assistance
in keeping this place drug-free.

All right? Now back to work

before I make it my first official
act to fire the lot of you!

I don't know about head guard.
Seems like a headache to me.

Comes with a $65K-a-year
Aspirin. Not bad.

$25K more than we make now?

$40,000?

Y'all make $8,000 more than me?

Well, it's probably because
I got military experience.

So do I.

Guess you gotta pay a titty tax.

Titty tax.

Ward, can you believe
those guys make $40,000?

- I'm only pulling in $32,000.
- I make $29,500.

Oh.

- That is fucked up.
- Yeah.

We should go to Hopper
and demand equal pay.

Hmm. Tried that last year.

He said I needed to bring
something else to the table.

So I started taking night classes.

"Bring something to the table". Hmm.

Whoo!

What if I let them know who's
smuggling the drugs in here?

That could be something.

It'd make you a whole
lot of enemies, though.

Guys, you don't gotta do this.

No, I read about this in the UCMJ.

When a private first
class has a 21st birthday,

the offending soldier must
submit to be pink-bellied

or face an FG Article 15.

- McCullough, get his shirt.
- No.

- Sorry.
- Come on. No.

All right. You're in for it.

All right, all right, all right.

You've earned your gifts.

Jacobs, Rios, show pink-bellied
Pena what he has won.

Booze! And more booze!

And a shit ton of booze!

I got Pena a present, too.

What is it? A poem?

Uh, thanks?

Yeah, thanks for the cash, Grandma.

Hold on. That's not the present.

Jesus, Grandma, Pena's gonna be 22
by the time this party gets started.

Holy shit!

You didn't!

Oh, baby!

Oh, yeah.

Holy fuckin' shit, McCullough. You
snuck a hajji stripper into camp?

She's actually a Puerto
Rican girl from C Company.

Gave up my whole paycheck
to get her to do this.

- Epic.
- Yeah.

Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!

Motorboat her!

Motorboat! Motorboat! Motorboat!

Okay.

Yes!

McCullough.

McCullough?

McCullough.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Jesus fucking Christ!

What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're such a fucking douchebag!

Fuck.

"I need you to be clever, Bean.

I need you to think of solutions
to problems we haven't seen yet.

I want you to try things
that no one has ever tried

because they're absolutely stupid".

What do you think of that?
Trying stupid solutions?

Mom, do I deserve to be here?

What makes you ask that, honey?

Because I don't know.

Do you remember the talk
we had before your trial?

Where we said that you did
something you weren't supposed to,

and Dylan got hurt, and the
judge was going to tell us

how you could make it
up to Dylan's family?

Mmm... But I didn't know.

I... I didn't know I was kidnapping.

I was just trying to make friends.

And when I reached for him,

I was trying to help him. I
didn't know he was gonna fall.

I know that, Suzanne.

But you think I deserve
to be here for 15 years?

Well, honey, it's complicated.

But it was an accident.

Sometimes, accidents
have legal consequences.

So you do think I deserve to be here.

You deserve to be in a facility

that can help you with
your cognitive difference.

But...

I'm not, Mom.

I'm here.

And I'm asking you,

do you think, if it was an
accident and I didn't mean to do it,

and I'm sorry, was that fair?

Or...

did the judge make a mistake?

No,

you don't deserve to be here.

It's not fair.

And the last theory is retribuvi...

"Retrivibi..."

"Retribuvitism"?

I was a freakin' warden.
I never said that word.

The retribution,

one basically says that
people who commit crimes

should be punished
because they deserve it.

No other reason.

Uh, theories of...

All right, I guess you're dismissed.

Don't forget, your paragraphs
on what prison means to you

are due Friday.

Uh, and I want real paragraphs this
time. More than three sentences.

Would you?

He's, like, an older man who's
teaching me things, so obviously.

Mr. Caputo, can we talk for a sec?

I gotta go cook dinner, feed
the beast that is my girlfriend.

But walk with me.

How am I doing?

Be honest.

Uh, it's... it's getting
better, definitely.

I'm not sure the overhead projector
thing is connecting, though.

Right. No, that's good.
That's good feedback.

I'll check with a few other students,
see if they feel the same way

before I start messing with the formula.

I wanted to talk to you

because the head guard
position is opening up,

and I'm thinking of going for it.

I think it's a great idea.

Um, they're getting
one of the higher-ups

from corporate to do interviews.

- Linda Ferguson?
- Ferguson?

Yeah, got any tips?

Yeah, don't say her name
three times in a dark bathroom.

- She's what you'd call a soulless bitch.
- Hmm.

And she wears a wig.

Anything useful?

Sorry.

Uh, Linda only cares
about the bottom line.

Her favorite phrase is "status quo".

So long as you tell her
you'll maintain the status quo

while cutting costs, you're golden.

Toe the company line.
Don't make any waves.

You're gonna do great.
Thanks. For the advice.

And it's "retributivism"!

"Tivism", not "vitism".

Huh.

Where the fuck did you come from?

- I just ruined you for life.
- Mmm.

I think you might be right. I'm sprung.

I can tell. The way you were cumming

like a junior high schooler and shit.

How is it possible I never
saw you at that club before?

You wasn't looking hard enough.

No way. I come to New York
a lot during the off-season.

It's weird I never saw you.

Well, I... I been in Ohio.

What part? I got cousins there.

- I've been traveling, too. So...
- Hmm.

- Yep.
- Shit!

Oh, shit. I'm late for a meeting.

As soon as I get back, we'll
plan some traveling, too.

Buying you a ticket to visit me in LA.

Uh, can I think about it?

For real?

Wow.

Wow. Oh, wow.

Man.

You saw him again, didn't you?

Bitch, I never left.

Oh, my God! You have to tell him
to focus on his midrange game.

An explosive first step

with a decent pull-up
could really help us out...

Daisy! Stop talking about boring things.

Okay, I need you to tell me that

it's okay for me to go visit him in LA.

But you can't leave the state.

But I like him so much.

I'm having feelings I
haven't had in a long time.

This is the first time I've felt
like a real person since I got out.

Parole, Zaza!

They randomly check up on you, right?

If you're not where
you're supposed to be,

they could send you back, right?

I... I know. I know that. But can't
I have a weekend where I just...

Where I don't feel
like a fucking criminal?

Like, I already did my time, okay?
I deserve a weekend away with him.

Look, I gotta go.

If I'm not in the office before
Dr. Maslov, he asks for a hug.

And he's handsy.

Don't do anything stupid, girl.

So, I heard you went to
this Tony Robbins seminar.

Fuckin' yeah, I did.

Still not used to that
whole swearing thing.

All right. Well, I'll tell
you what I like about that Tony,

since we agree that he is definitely
not a huckster snake-oil salesman.

I like when he calls the
people in the audience pussies.

It's like he's seen
their pussies before.

There's no fucking
names on any of these.

Come on.

Drop the knife and
the baggie now, inmate.

- It's just a butter knife.
- Down on the floor.

Hellman, he's trying to force
me to sell drugs for him.

I was just trying to
put it in his locker

- so I didn't get caught with it.
- Down.

Please. You have to help me.

What do you think I'm doing
in here? I don't want this.

I was gonna bring it to administration,

but I knew that nobody
would listen. Please. Please.

I can't get more time.

I'm not going to ask you again.

It's not for me to decide.

Looking for someone?

- What you doing in Tanisha's cell?
- Better view.

You'd be surprised what you can get
in return for good hooch in here.

Try some while I bend your ear.

My father's recipe.

Nah, I'm good.

It will help with your nerves.

I tell people I'm from Lagos,
but I'm really from Ibadan,

which is a transportation
hub a few hours north.

It's a bit like saying
you're from Chicago

when you're really from Peoria.

I got a cousin who do that.

You can't say you from the
Bronx when you from Mount Vernon.

My father was a leader of the
Transport Road Workers Union there,

and in a place like Ibadan,

where politicians bring
weapons to the assembly,

a union leader must be clever.

He must know whose hand to shake
and whose to chop off at the wrist.

Sounds like your pops was a G.

He taught me to see things clearly.

But he would be disappointed in me.

Because it took me too
long to see you clearly.

What is that supposed to mean?

Taking out your girlfriend
was a dangerous move.

It was also smart.

Daddy took all the credit, but
you were bringing the powder in.

So what? What are you saying?

I'm saying that if you're
now gonna go after the crown,

Annalisa and the others, they
aren't simply gonna let you take it.

You're gonna need help.

We could run this place.

Maybe. But I don't know you like that.

Well, sometimes you have to take the
leap and see if a net will appear.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

So tell me, why should
we hire you as head guard?

Can you rephrase the question?

Um, I'm not sure how to do that.

You're afraid, aren't you?

Afraid to meet your own greatness.

Well, everyone's afraid, Linda.
It's what you do with that fear...

I ask it to leave my office.

I find you unsettling. Please leave.

Obviously setting
aside the M490 Maglock,

which we can talk about if you
want, but setting that aside,

I'll say I've noticed
a slight difference

between the delayed
relock of the RCI 8310

- and the 3101C series.
- Mmm-hmm.

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes
you gotta be a little forceful.

But you start from a place
of caring, respect, dignity.

That "do unto others" type of stuff.

- That sounds very thoughtful.
- Hmm.

You know, it might be nice

to fill the position with
someone of your background.

- A sports management degree?
- Sure. Mmm-hmm.

That's great, 'cause I'd really
like to overhaul the whole system.

Scorched-earth. Sweeping
personnel changes.

It won't be cheap, but...

I've heard enough. You
can find your way out.

I've been taking night classes

in corrections management
for the past year,

and I'm confident that
I can run a tight ship,

keeping costs down while making
sure that the prison remains safe

in a way that honors the PolyCon brand.

That sounds very status quo.

Now, I understand why you
think we should hire you,

but I'm curious, why
do you want this job?

Uh...

One of my teachers
asked me to write a paper

about what prison means to me.

And at first I thought it was
kind of a stupid topic, but...

when I really thought about it,

I realized that prison
is an opportunity.

We get people when they're
at their lowest point,

which means maybe they'd be
willing to try something new.

To change. And I wanna be part of

what helps them change for the better.

You can look at some of these
girls and see they're hungry for it.

The majority of them are decent people.

They just want a chance
to show it to you.

In the classes, they call
what we do a "public good".

Then I figure we owe it to the
public to do something good.

It's in the name.

And it doesn't have
to cost a lot of money.

Then let's do the public
best! At a low price point.

Sure.

Gosh, you are so
well-spoken but not strident.

Did you grow up in the church?

- Yeah, I went to church sometimes.
- It shows.

And I just love the way
your hair looks. It's so...

Don't poop, just sleep. Just sleep.

Hello?

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

- Accept, accept, accept!
- To accept the...

Hi. Alex?

Piper? I'm sorry I didn't...
I'm sorry I didn't call.

Uh, can you speak up? I'm
having trouble hearing you.

I'm sorry I didn't call. It's, um...

Hello?

It's just been, like,
a rough couple of days.

What's going on? What does that mean?

I wanna tell you, but
it's just... It's...

It's hard with all these
fucking people around.

Alex, you have to tell
me what's going on.

It's gonna be impossible to do
this if you won't talk to me.

I am all alone out here and...

You know what? Actually...

don't tell me. I trust you.

I know I married a smart woman
who is capable of handling herself.

And if you don't wanna tell me,

I'm sure that you have a
very good reason for it.

I love you, Alex.

I love you, too.

And I promise I'll tell
you everything soon.

But can you just tell
me about things with you?

'Cause I could really use a distraction.

- Well, um, I started babysitting.
- Yeah?

Yeah, and it's making me
think I don't want children.

Does that make me a bad person?

No, it doesn't make you a bad person.

But who's going to take
care of us in our old age?

A dog? A very capable dog. A robot dog.

A robot dog. That could be the answer.

And that top she was
wearing, that was...

fitted.

But I made it the whole interview
without looking at her jagungas.

Rookie move.

Always make a point of looking
at the tatas once, but only once,

so she knows you respect her, but
you would still definitely bang her.

Well, I hope you boys didn't disappoint,

'cause I told corporate that you
two were my top picks for the job.

- You three.
- I fucking owned that interview.

Yeah, you mighta owned it, but
I fucked it in the donk like...

Well, I was in the
interview's guts, like...

"You don't get to cum yet.
I tell you when you get to cum".

No, no, but I had to
back off a little bit

because of how big my dick is.

- It just fuckin'...
- Yeah, you gotta back off!

I also had sex with the interview.

- What are you doing? Stop it.
- It's the interview.

It looks like he's humping a cantaloupe.

Come on, McCullough.

Whoa, whoa!

McCullough! Is there anything
I can help you with? Or...

You guys sleep it off all right?

Great party, huh?

Hey, Pena. What the fuck is
wrong with Rios and Jacobs?

Maybe they think you'll
accuse them of some bullshit.

All right, load up!

Hey, tell them the truth
about what happened.

Don't fucking talk to me.

I just spent an hour in the
lieutenant's office 'cause of your shit.

You're lucky he understood.

Tell them what you really
did, or I will tell them.

Say whatever you want.
They won't believe you.

Let's move!

What the fuck?

Contact! Right!

- Take cover!
- What the fuck?

Let's go, Warren. Keep it moving.

I don't deserve to be here, you know.

Neither do I.

Wait. This one doesn't have a dessert.

This one doesn't have a dessert either.

And this one doesn't have one either!

Calm down. They must have run out.

But everyone else got a dessert.
So they should all have dessert.

It's not fair.

I mean, why would you
only have some of them

that do not have a dessert?

Huh?

It doesn't make sense. They
should all have a fucking dessert!

Fuck!

- Oh, man...
- No, you shut up, Ethel!

Warren, you can't take
everybody's pudding cup like that.

Why not?

What are you gonna do about it?

Well, I'm gonna give you a shot.

Go ahead.

Hey, you medium cocks
still up for drinks tonight?

- Fuck yes.
- Yes, sir.

You guys getting drinks tonight?

Sort of.

Don't forget to invite Dixon.

Yo. Just got an email from corporate.

Hello?

Uh, "We thank you for your interest,

but we regret to inform you that..."

Motherfuck!

Hellman?

Same fucking email. Even
though I did the tit check.

It seems...

I was rejected as well.

Let me guess, Ward.
You're the new head guard.

No, I'm the new warden.

That's weird.

Because, remember,

you said that you were gonna
be the new warden, Hopper.

Remember? You called a meeting...

and then you said it
in front of everybody.

We were all there.

I believe you. What
you said about Hellman.

So I'm giving you two options

for what I can do with
this incident report.

I can turn it in, you
blame Hellman, no one cares.

You get five more years where
he makes your life a nightmare.

Or I can rip it up, you
start selling for me.

And you get five percent
more than he was giving you.

What about Hellman?

You're smart. You'll
figure something out.

That's what the five percent is for.

You see, white women,
they always stick together.

They only respect who they fear.
So let's make them fear you.

Eeny, meeny, miny...

Oh, shit! Fuckin' Diaz crawled out
of her hole. Better watch yourself.

... moe?

Hey, can I ask you something?

Ward? Warden? "Warden Ward". It
even sounds ridiculous.

You don't think they gave it
to her because she's a black?

Oh, definitely. No question at all.

If they were gonna go most qualified,

no one knows what's happening
in this prison better than...

- What?
- What the fuck?

Inmate down in cell block D!

What the fuck y'all looking at?

Oh, my God.

It's almost like we went to LA, right?

No, it's like I went to Bushwick.

Cheer up, girl. You did the right thing.

Better than ending up back
in prison. He'll be back.

No, he won't. He's an NBA player in LA.

And you're the ass-shaking queen.

He'll be back, Zaza. I know it.
And you'll be just as in love then.

What's up with the bouncer?

Ew. That's not the kind
of cheering up I need.

No, look.

Up against the wall, right now!

Identification!

I want to see identification.

- Shit. I don't have my ID.
- Oh, fuck.

Up against the wall.

Hands on the wall. Hands on the wall.

No, no, no! I'm American!

No. I'm a... I'm a... I'm an
American. I'm a US citizen.

Identification! Get it out!

I'm an American. Please.

You have to believe me.
This is a mistake. Sir?

Come on now. Not up to me.

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