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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,738 --> 00:00:30,738 Created by Nihilus ,thanks to M.R. Sumon fully edited,added some lyrics by: mr master@subscene 2 00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:35,746 We are often told that happily ever afters 3 00:00:35,749 --> 00:00:39,548 exists only in the pages of fairy tales. 4 00:00:39,550 --> 00:00:42,358 And in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. 5 00:00:42,708 --> 00:00:47,160 And yet on this bright sunny Boston afternoon, 6 00:00:47,161 --> 00:00:50,733 a talking teddybear is about to marry his girlfriend. 7 00:00:51,197 --> 00:00:53,476 Proving two things. 8 00:00:53,478 --> 00:00:56,077 Happy endings can come true for anyone 9 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,620 and America doesnt give a shit about anything. 10 00:01:00,384 --> 00:01:02,401 Do you Tami-Lynn McCafferty 11 00:01:02,842 --> 00:01:04,119 take this teddy bear 12 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,250 - to be your lawfully wedded husband? 13 00:01:07,007 --> 00:01:08,484 - I do! 14 00:01:08,505 --> 00:01:13,114 And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 15 00:01:13,844 --> 00:01:15,910 Fucking right I do! 16 00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,127 Then by the power vested in me 17 00:01:19,464 --> 00:01:22,334 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 18 00:01:22,618 --> 00:01:23,899 You may kiss the bear. 19 00:01:46,855 --> 00:01:49,592 Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds! 20 00:01:57,611 --> 00:02:00,013 Teddy this is the best day of my life! 21 00:02:00,683 --> 00:02:02,045 - I just love you so much! 22 00:02:02,193 --> 00:02:04,091 - I love you too Tammy! 23 00:02:04,092 --> 00:02:07,030 I'm gonna go 50 shades of bear on you tonight! 24 00:02:07,149 --> 00:02:09,081 - Let's go get chippies. - Ok. 25 00:02:11,707 --> 00:02:13,441 Thank you. 26 00:02:17,253 --> 00:02:18,866 - Hey, congratulations. 27 00:02:19,035 --> 00:02:20,089 - Oh! Hi guys. 28 00:02:20,392 --> 00:02:21,547 Beautiful ceremony. 29 00:02:21,572 --> 00:02:24,490 Oh thank you so much for being part of it. 30 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:25,964 - Hey, this is my new boyfriend Rick. 31 00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:27,159 - How you doing? 32 00:02:27,184 --> 00:02:28,668 Good, good. 33 00:02:28,754 --> 00:02:30,410 He is a gourmet chef. 34 00:02:30,413 --> 00:02:32,882 So he knows how to toss a salad. 35 00:02:37,081 --> 00:02:39,699 Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot. 36 00:02:39,915 --> 00:02:41,516 Oh, are you guys getting married? 37 00:02:41,712 --> 00:02:43,538 No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together. 38 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:45,031 -Hah! Fuck you. - Fuck you! 39 00:02:45,062 --> 00:02:46,413 -Deal? -Deal! 40 00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:54,844 Hey buddy. 41 00:02:54,931 --> 00:02:55,912 Are you okay? 42 00:02:56,225 --> 00:02:57,397 You look a little down. 43 00:02:57,605 --> 00:03:00,130 Are you still shaking of that hangover from the bachelor party? 44 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,036 - Oh! This is nice. - She's fucking begging for it! 45 00:03:04,286 --> 00:03:07,187 She's totally. Yeah, get in there. 46 00:03:07,257 --> 00:03:08,924 Look out, she want's it bad. 47 00:03:09,664 --> 00:03:12,043 She want's more than just a fucking pizza delivery. 48 00:03:12,976 --> 00:03:15,272 That's bigger than the average bear, I'll tell you that. 49 00:03:16,245 --> 00:03:17,282 Hey, do you now what's fucked up? 50 00:03:17,399 --> 00:03:19,717 That is someone's fucking daughter! 51 00:03:19,718 --> 00:03:21,210 Oh Jesus, come on! 52 00:03:22,658 --> 00:03:24,094 No I'm fine. 53 00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:26,472 I was just thinking about Lori. 54 00:03:27,177 --> 00:03:28,285 Oh Johnny, come on, 55 00:03:28,310 --> 00:03:31,141 Man it's been six months since you guys got divorced. 56 00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:32,964 I know! I know! It's just... 57 00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:34,962 Being back in that church again? 58 00:03:35,745 --> 00:03:38,367 Everything seemed to be so perfect. 59 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:41,289 Yeah well. You're not the first guy that marry the wrong girl. 60 00:03:41,636 --> 00:03:44,172 Hey, big day huh bud? 61 00:03:44,503 --> 00:03:47,241 Do you guys want to celebrate with a little...(!!) 62 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:52,149 Oh! No Thanks Sam! Tami-Lynn would kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day. 63 00:03:52,174 --> 00:03:53,747 Ah, she wont notice. 64 00:03:54,012 --> 00:03:56,047 I just did a line with a dude in the mensroom 65 00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:58,638 and I bet you can't even spot him. 66 00:04:06,842 --> 00:04:07,829 Yeah, I'm gonna pass! 67 00:04:30,135 --> 00:04:32,669 This is the best day of my life! 68 00:04:32,693 --> 00:04:38,693 M.R. Sumon , mr master @Subscene.com Thanks "Nihilus" 69 00:07:15,386 --> 00:07:18,758 One year later ... 70 00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:24,870 I'm starving! What the hell are you doing over there? 71 00:07:25,018 --> 00:07:27,061 I'm caring cancer! I'm cooking your fucking steak! 72 00:07:27,371 --> 00:07:28,644 What do you think I'm doing? 73 00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,051 What, I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry. 74 00:07:31,053 --> 00:07:32,586 Look at this, look at this! 75 00:07:32,588 --> 00:07:35,455 129 dollars at filene's basement! 76 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,613 What are you buying over there?gold bars? 77 00:07:37,408 --> 00:07:39,142 I need clothes for work alright Teddy! 78 00:07:39,177 --> 00:07:40,469 What do you mean? You wear a smock 79 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,497 - You're a fucking cashier! - Yeah and so are you! 80 00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:45,686 Yes, exactly and I'm not going out buying designer shit. 81 00:07:46,046 --> 00:07:47,980 No, no! You're just buying weed. 82 00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:49,862 You're just buying drugs, you should fucking talk. 83 00:07:50,021 --> 00:07:51,226 I was talking. 84 00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:53,362 I was just talking just now until you interupted me. 85 00:07:53,488 --> 00:07:56,427 Well, I had to interupt you otherwise I wouldn't get a chance to say fucking anything. 86 00:07:56,774 --> 00:07:58,776 - Are you going to let me finish talking? - You're just cutting me off! 87 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,512 - Are you going to let me finnish talking? - You know what? 88 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,983 I'm good at my work. I'm trying to climb corporate feds 89 00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:04,880 Nobody is in there looking at your ass 90 00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:07,593 - You're acting like an asshole! - What am I acting like? 91 00:08:07,595 --> 00:08:09,737 What am I acting like? 92 00:08:09,867 --> 00:08:12,805 Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like. 93 00:08:12,806 --> 00:08:15,276 You dont have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a jam in a plastic bag. 94 00:08:15,278 --> 00:08:17,481 I am the face of the business, okay? 95 00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,086 The face of business? Jesus Christ! 96 00:08:20,089 --> 00:08:21,187 Listen to you, you're delusional! 97 00:08:21,212 --> 00:08:23,028 I should've married Robby Echico I really should've. 98 00:08:23,029 --> 00:08:25,564 Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole! 99 00:08:25,566 --> 00:08:28,571 He treated me good, and he had a dick! 100 00:08:28,596 --> 00:08:30,412 He had an awesome dick! 101 00:08:30,437 --> 00:08:33,322 News flash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis. 102 00:08:34,029 --> 00:08:36,029 What the fuck did you just call me? 103 00:08:36,657 --> 00:08:39,729 - Jesus fuckign christ? What the fuck? - Are you gonna call me a whore?! 104 00:08:41,177 --> 00:08:43,514 - You wanna throw shit? - Yeah I wanna fucking throw shit. 105 00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:45,408 There! See? How do you like that? 106 00:08:46,946 --> 00:08:48,060 Oh! I'm so scared. 107 00:08:48,084 --> 00:08:50,354 I'm really Fucking scared of you, little fucking bear! 108 00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:51,853 Shut the fuck up! 109 00:08:52,212 --> 00:08:53,231 Oh for Christ's sake! 110 00:08:53,755 --> 00:08:54,747 You shut the fuck up! 111 00:08:55,155 --> 00:08:56,712 Why do not you come down and make me tough guy! 112 00:08:56,751 --> 00:08:58,976 Why don't you come up here and make me come down tough guy? 113 00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:01,501 I'm gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! 114 00:09:01,526 --> 00:09:04,465 I want you to try asshole! Get your ass up here and kick my ass! 115 00:09:07,057 --> 00:09:10,260 - Shut the fuck up stupid bitch! - Why do not you shut up? 116 00:09:10,865 --> 00:09:13,398 Fuck! 117 00:09:13,561 --> 00:09:15,213 Shut the Fuck up 118 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,926 - Hey, I'm really sorry! - Yes me too. 119 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,495 - She's worse than us. - Yes, she is our enemy now. 120 00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:31,038 You guys. at least they have tried marriage therapy? 121 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,794 Oh God, yeah, it was a freaking disaster. 122 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,435 $ 250 and we did not learn a God damn thing. 123 00:09:35,781 --> 00:09:39,123 250? That's ridiculous, doesn't the insurance cover that or something? 124 00:09:39,124 --> 00:09:41,860 No, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obama care on the internet, 125 00:09:41,928 --> 00:09:44,510 but I came back five minutes later and she was looking at black cocks. 126 00:09:44,762 --> 00:09:47,566 Seems like everytime you go online you're two clicks away from black cocks. 127 00:09:49,065 --> 00:09:49,854 Look, see? 128 00:09:49,917 --> 00:09:51,406 I googled Grand Canyon. 129 00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:54,570 Here. Look, it says did you mean black cocks. 130 00:09:55,321 --> 00:09:58,203 I don't know man, I gotta do something or my marriage is going to collapse. 131 00:09:58,975 --> 00:10:01,578 Here you go guys. We're gonna be closing in a few. 132 00:10:02,305 --> 00:10:05,548 I'm going to this after at my friends apartment if you wanna join? 133 00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:08,328 Thanks Allison, but I got an early date tomorrow. 134 00:10:08,786 --> 00:10:10,722 Oh okey. Well. 135 00:10:10,992 --> 00:10:13,931 If you change your mind, here's the address. 136 00:10:16,269 --> 00:10:18,272 I put my cell number there too. 137 00:10:20,246 --> 00:10:21,098 - Oh, my God! 138 00:10:21,294 --> 00:10:22,748 Are you fucking kidding me? 139 00:10:22,799 --> 00:10:23,440 - What? 140 00:10:23,630 --> 00:10:26,902 What do you mean what? After hours? She totally wants to sleep with you! 141 00:10:27,737 --> 00:10:28,397 I'm not into it. 142 00:10:28,555 --> 00:10:30,848 John, you've been saying that for a year and a half 143 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,750 about every chick that has throwed herself at you. 144 00:10:32,928 --> 00:10:34,199 But you gotta get back in the game man! 145 00:10:34,373 --> 00:10:35,862 No don't start this shit alright? 146 00:10:35,922 --> 00:10:38,363 Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and got burned. 147 00:10:38,565 --> 00:10:40,340 - I'm not gonna make that mistake again. 148 00:10:40,430 --> 00:10:40,892 - Jesus Johnny. 149 00:10:41,479 --> 00:10:43,662 You're not gonna marry Allison, you're just gonna bang her, 150 00:10:43,687 --> 00:10:44,500 - and maybe pee on her a little . 151 00:10:44,754 --> 00:10:45,480 - What? 152 00:10:46,419 --> 00:10:49,224 It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover. 153 00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:50,980 Yeah, I gotta take a leak. 154 00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:54,765 Sorry Allison, I tried. 155 00:10:55,746 --> 00:10:58,114 It's okay I just wish he wasn't so God damn cute. 156 00:10:58,433 --> 00:11:01,839 Yeah, hey, can I get a Jack Daniels with a splash of grape juice? 157 00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:03,750 Wish I could help you but we're closing. 158 00:11:03,991 --> 00:11:06,663 One drink and I promise I won't tell anyone that Jay Leno 159 00:11:06,688 --> 00:11:08,491 comes in here for gay bathroom sex. 160 00:11:08,930 --> 00:11:10,866 What the fuck are doing? Get off me! 161 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:13,149 Sorry! My mistake. 162 00:11:21,006 --> 00:11:22,778 Here we go. Thanks alot come again. 163 00:11:30,292 --> 00:11:32,494 - Hey. - Hello. 164 00:11:33,622 --> 00:11:36,212 I'd like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. 165 00:11:36,891 --> 00:11:38,834 - Yeah, box of Trix. 166 00:11:39,851 --> 00:11:40,437 - That's right. 167 00:11:40,756 --> 00:11:45,497 I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children, is that correct? 168 00:11:46,728 --> 00:11:50,401 Well, I mean they say Trix is for kids in the commercials. 169 00:11:52,101 --> 00:11:53,898 - And is that enforced by law? 170 00:11:54,859 --> 00:11:56,755 - Um not to my knowledge, no. 171 00:11:57,553 --> 00:12:01,167 So if I purchases these Trix there'll be no trouble? 172 00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:03,711 No, no, you should be fine. 173 00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:07,236 You do understand that I myself are not a child? 174 00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:09,982 I was able to sniff that out, yeah. 175 00:12:11,678 --> 00:12:13,612 Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my appartment. 176 00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:16,306 Umm yeah, you'll be okay. 177 00:12:18,452 --> 00:12:21,124 - And uh...I wont be followed? - Ah no, thats... 178 00:12:21,353 --> 00:12:22,626 That's not in our budget here. 179 00:12:26,144 --> 00:12:29,509 Hey, I wont forget what you have done for me here today. 180 00:12:30,494 --> 00:12:32,020 I would prefer if you do. 181 00:12:38,387 --> 00:12:40,255 Jesus Christ! 182 00:12:50,213 --> 00:12:52,682 - You two still not talking? - No. 183 00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:55,547 Honest to God Joy, I don't know how to fix this. 184 00:12:55,604 --> 00:12:58,537 I mean, how the hell do you take a broken marriage and make it work again? 185 00:12:58,662 --> 00:13:01,800 Well, I tell you one way. You have yourself a baby. 186 00:13:02,191 --> 00:13:04,795 - A baby? - Uhu! Look at that. 187 00:13:04,955 --> 00:13:06,483 - You see those white niggers over there? 188 00:13:07,602 --> 00:13:08,376 - Yeah, what? 189 00:13:08,715 --> 00:13:10,199 Look at them. They're so happy. 190 00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,744 Because they got that little baby keeping them together. 191 00:13:13,297 --> 00:13:17,169 If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad ass white niggers 192 00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:19,856 - Waiting for Downton Abby to come home. - Why, you said that twice. 193 00:13:19,888 --> 00:13:23,204 - Is that an actual phrase or... - I'm telling you Ted, you'll better 194 00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:24,857 have a baby or your marriage is over, 195 00:13:25,201 --> 00:13:25,762 trust me. 196 00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:37,317 Hey. 197 00:13:38,564 --> 00:13:39,590 - Go away Teddy. 198 00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:41,578 - Tami, listen, I just want to talk to you. 199 00:13:42,014 --> 00:13:43,578 - OK? Would you just listen for one second? - Why? 200 00:13:43,796 --> 00:13:45,640 -Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes? 201 00:13:45,714 --> 00:13:47,755 - No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? 202 00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:50,586 I'm sorry, I was an asshole and I didn't mean it. 203 00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:51,823 You know whatever, Teddy. 204 00:13:52,182 --> 00:13:54,717 Tami listen, I love you. 205 00:13:55,632 --> 00:13:58,836 Okay, and I don't want to fight like we've been doing the past few months. 206 00:13:59,113 --> 00:14:01,381 I don't know Teddy. I mean, something got to change. 207 00:14:01,612 --> 00:14:04,416 You know? Because I can't do this anymore. 208 00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,631 - It's too much! - I know, I know. 209 00:14:07,219 --> 00:14:08,486 And that's why .. 210 00:14:09,832 --> 00:14:11,188 I want to have a baby. 211 00:14:13,508 --> 00:14:15,641 - You do? - Yeah. 212 00:14:15,846 --> 00:14:18,447 A baby? Like really? 213 00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:21,641 Yeah! I think if we got a kid to love, 214 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,594 he'll teach us to how to love each other again. 215 00:14:23,932 --> 00:14:25,424 Oh my God Teddy. 216 00:14:26,436 --> 00:14:28,982 - You better not be messing with me. - I swear to God, I'm not mesing with you! 217 00:14:29,007 --> 00:14:32,612 - You'll make an awesome mom! - Oh my God, are you kidding me? 218 00:14:32,614 --> 00:14:36,418 - I would like kick so much ass at being a mom. - So what do you say, we all good? 219 00:14:36,422 --> 00:14:39,109 - Yes! I love you, I love you so much! 220 00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:40,856 - Oh baby! I love you too. 221 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,961 - Let's make a baby. - Let's make a baby. 222 00:14:53,390 --> 00:14:55,747 Okay are you ready? Here it comes! 223 00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:57,464 Okay, I'm ready. 224 00:15:09,557 --> 00:15:11,895 - I say we go to court. - Yes, let's go to court. 225 00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:15,103 We are a bunch of assholes who take up a whole hallwaywithou conversation. 226 00:15:16,899 --> 00:15:19,104 Hey you lawyer guys. 227 00:15:20,184 --> 00:15:22,781 You don't know me and Johnny are watching you. 228 00:15:22,973 --> 00:15:25,239 While we're high. 229 00:15:27,062 --> 00:15:29,398 - That was fucking magic. - It felt smooth. 230 00:15:29,423 --> 00:15:31,656 - That felt really smooth. - It's all in the pocket. 231 00:15:31,910 --> 00:15:33,094 Hey, so uh... 232 00:15:33,348 --> 00:15:36,897 - Listen, I got some big news to tell you. - Oh yeah, what's that? 233 00:15:37,471 --> 00:15:40,677 Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby. 234 00:15:42,828 --> 00:15:45,999 - Holy shit! You? - Yeah! We talked about it today. 235 00:15:46,024 --> 00:15:47,794 Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations! 236 00:15:48,209 --> 00:15:49,108 Thank You. 237 00:15:49,109 --> 00:15:51,071 Wait, wait, how do you guys...? 238 00:15:51,397 --> 00:15:55,003 Well, that's the thing. We got to find a sperm donor and ... 239 00:15:56,124 --> 00:15:59,930 I'm wondering, what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him? 240 00:16:00,199 --> 00:16:02,001 You want to Flash Gordon to father of your child? 241 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:05,609 Yeah, I mean do you think that would be weird? Like would he be freaked out if I...? 242 00:16:05,677 --> 00:16:09,485 No I think he'd be flattered plus the baby would be a fucking superhero. 243 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:11,303 Well that was the logic I arrived at aswell. 244 00:16:11,406 --> 00:16:12,562 I say do it. 245 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,665 Alright I'll shoot him an e-mail right now and see if I can stop by tonight. 246 00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,414 - You'll come with me? - Sure! 247 00:16:17,448 --> 00:16:18,339 Alright, great. 248 00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:23,347 Shit, I can never get a signal in your apartment. 249 00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:25,561 - Can I use your laptop? - Yes, go ahead. 250 00:16:25,804 --> 00:16:27,239 Okay, thanks. 251 00:16:31,493 --> 00:16:33,229 - What the fuck? - Holy shit! 252 00:16:33,230 --> 00:16:34,964 What's the matter? What happened? 253 00:16:35,172 --> 00:16:37,911 - What's going on? - There is so much porn! 254 00:16:37,912 --> 00:16:40,110 What thehell are you doing looking at my private shit? 255 00:16:40,112 --> 00:16:43,584 What are you talking about private shit Johnny, it was wide open. 256 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,320 There were literally thousands of files here! 257 00:16:45,322 --> 00:16:46,943 I've been meaning to clear some of that out. 258 00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:47,592 Jesus Christ. 259 00:16:47,594 --> 00:16:51,465 Look at the organisation here. Clockwise rimjob, counter clockwise rimjob. 260 00:16:51,871 --> 00:16:54,207 Yeah well, sometimes you want to see the tongue go the other way. 261 00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:57,279 You sick fuck! Look at this! Chicks with dicks!? 262 00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:01,355 Oh, my God! I have a disease alright? I need help! 263 00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:04,027 There are no chicks with dicks Johnny! Only guys with tits! 264 00:17:04,029 --> 00:17:05,831 Well this is such a relief. You have to help, I'm 265 00:17:05,856 --> 00:17:07,633 glad I finally got caught. I wanted to be caught! 266 00:17:07,636 --> 00:17:10,507 Johnny you listen to me, this is a wake up call, okay? 267 00:17:10,643 --> 00:17:12,446 You gotta get back out there and meet somebody 268 00:17:12,471 --> 00:17:14,272 because this is you spiraling out of control here. 269 00:17:14,383 --> 00:17:16,988 Alright, alright, fine I will, just stop looking at that shit, please. 270 00:17:17,058 --> 00:17:20,462 Johnny I mean it! Alright, the next chick you meet you will be back in the game. 271 00:17:20,465 --> 00:17:21,933 - Fine I got it...Done! - Alright. 272 00:17:22,401 --> 00:17:23,488 Now let's get rid of this. 273 00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:25,271 What do you mean? Just delete the files. 274 00:17:25,474 --> 00:17:27,323 No, no. That shit can always be recovered. 275 00:17:27,364 --> 00:17:29,445 We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer. 276 00:17:35,563 --> 00:17:37,633 - Well, are you happy? - No, the circuits can 277 00:17:37,635 --> 00:17:39,205 be reconstructed if someone worked at it. 278 00:17:39,207 --> 00:17:41,128 We have to bury it in the harbour. 279 00:17:55,737 --> 00:17:59,279 So basically that's it. We need a sperm donor. 280 00:17:59,814 --> 00:18:02,417 So what do you say? You would really be helping me and Tami out. 281 00:18:02,688 --> 00:18:05,691 - No can do my brother. - Why not? 282 00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:09,500 I did a lot of blow in the eighties and... 283 00:18:09,702 --> 00:18:12,973 - My sperm count is a little low. - Well how low? 284 00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:15,778 - One. - One? 285 00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:19,990 Yeah little fella having his own I am Legend in my nutsack. 286 00:18:19,991 --> 00:18:22,259 - Well, can we have that one? - No! 287 00:18:22,462 --> 00:18:25,868 It's needed for protein if I ever get lost at sea. 288 00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:28,072 Come on guys. Are we done here? I gotta go. 289 00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:30,744 That sister sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself. 290 00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:35,489 - I can not believe that son of a bitch. - That was really selfish of him. 291 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,561 I know. And after I watched his piss of shit movie like a 100 times. 292 00:18:38,897 --> 00:18:40,498 God dammit! 293 00:18:41,436 --> 00:18:42,971 Oh Shit! 294 00:18:48,183 --> 00:18:50,320 Johnny, please just help me do this, okay? 295 00:18:50,322 --> 00:18:53,393 He's the only guy in the world whos sperm is even close to Flash Gordons 296 00:18:53,371 --> 00:18:55,441 Teddy, it's insane. We can get in a lot of trouble. 297 00:18:55,466 --> 00:18:57,251 Not if no one finds out. 298 00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,594 Look, John, we sneak into his house, jerk him off in 299 00:18:59,619 --> 00:19:02,212 his sleep and sneak out with the sperm. It'll be easy. 300 00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:04,824 And think about how awesome the baby will be! 301 00:19:05,414 --> 00:19:07,022 It would be a sweet ass fucking baby! 302 00:19:08,427 --> 00:19:10,954 Alright I'll help you but we gotta have a game plan. 303 00:19:22,991 --> 00:19:24,660 Just calm down. 304 00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,200 Yeah, I can help you? 305 00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:32,141 Hey. You're Tom Brady? 306 00:19:32,478 --> 00:19:36,417 - Yeah. - Your neighbours called and 307 00:19:36,419 --> 00:19:39,091 your airconditioner makes alot of noice so I'm supposed to check out the unit. 308 00:19:39,092 --> 00:19:41,494 - Oh okay, yeah it's around the back. - Okay, I just need ... 309 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,820 a signature, in case I gotta get some parts for the building. 310 00:19:45,639 --> 00:19:49,511 If you could just write that to John and Ted with number twelve. 311 00:19:49,716 --> 00:19:52,919 And you're not a cheater. I think your balls are perfect. 312 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,856 It's around the back. 313 00:20:17,776 --> 00:20:19,242 Stupid fucking idiot! 314 00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,727 Okay, go, go, go! 315 00:20:44,363 --> 00:20:46,166 Take the damn raingear off, you're making to much noise. 316 00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,237 Piss off! I don't wanna get any jizz on me. 317 00:20:59,397 --> 00:21:02,735 Two league mvps, four super bowl rings. 318 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,742 Guaranteed first-ballot hall of fame. 319 00:21:05,743 --> 00:21:08,413 Now let's give him a hand job into this red solo cup. 320 00:21:08,815 --> 00:21:09,605 Alright, go ahead. 321 00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:11,778 What do you mean go ahead? You gotta do it. 322 00:21:12,624 --> 00:21:14,491 What are you talking about? You're the one who needs sperm. 323 00:21:14,492 --> 00:21:16,271 Yes, but there got to be a human hand, it gotta 324 00:21:16,296 --> 00:21:18,059 be skin to skin, otherwise it doesn't work. 325 00:21:18,339 --> 00:21:20,483 - No it doesn't, it's just friction - Look, I've never done this before. 326 00:21:20,508 --> 00:21:22,110 - Well neither have I! - You do it to yourself! 327 00:21:22,111 --> 00:21:25,183 - It's different! - You're an adult 328 00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:27,653 with a poster of this fucking guy in your room and you tell me you dont want this? 329 00:21:27,724 --> 00:21:29,721 Yeah I want it. But I'm nervous. What if he doesnt like the way I'm doing it? 330 00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,795 If I want to. But I'm nervous What will happen if you see what I'm doing to him? 331 00:21:31,797 --> 00:21:34,986 Please hold yourself together! He'll love it! Go, go, go. 332 00:21:40,951 --> 00:21:43,687 Sweet God and baby Jesus 333 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:48,538 - And that's in rest. - What the hell? 334 00:21:48,592 --> 00:21:50,210 Mr Brady, we just need a moment of your time. 335 00:21:50,235 --> 00:21:53,197 What are you doing here? Who are you? Get out of my house! 336 00:21:56,850 --> 00:21:58,054 Wait, Mr. Brady. 337 00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:00,389 Take your God damn teddy bear with you! 338 00:22:01,795 --> 00:22:04,131 Holy shit! I hurt my spinal! 339 00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:06,054 Come on, lets get out of here. 340 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,292 What the hell do we do now? 341 00:22:19,231 --> 00:22:21,835 - Ted let me ask you something. - What's that? 342 00:22:22,611 --> 00:22:23,767 - Why didn't you just come to me? 343 00:22:24,464 --> 00:22:25,509 - What are you talking about? 344 00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,047 For the sperm. 345 00:22:27,985 --> 00:22:31,924 Johnny, you kidding me? You're the first person I wanted to go. 346 00:22:32,528 --> 00:22:36,132 But you've just been so bumped down with your divorce lately, that I just... 347 00:22:36,736 --> 00:22:38,897 You know, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position. 348 00:22:39,341 --> 00:22:42,423 Plus, after seeing your laptop I didn't think you had any left. 349 00:22:42,615 --> 00:22:45,419 Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it. 350 00:22:45,444 --> 00:22:46,378 Really? 351 00:22:46,625 --> 00:22:50,364 - You'd do that for me? - What? Ted, you're my best friend. 352 00:22:50,365 --> 00:22:54,037 I'd do anythng for you. Besides, we just broke into Tom Bradys house 353 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,633 and tried to jerk him off. You are ready to be a parent. 354 00:22:57,847 --> 00:22:59,381 God! 355 00:22:59,718 --> 00:23:04,726 I do not know what to say. Jonhy thank you! Thank you so much. 356 00:23:05,128 --> 00:23:07,867 Hey, thunder buddys for life, remember? 357 00:23:08,434 --> 00:23:09,856 - Thunder buddys for life. 358 00:23:10,207 --> 00:23:12,344 - Come on, we gotta get out of here before the cops show up. 359 00:23:13,079 --> 00:23:17,086 All units, we have a 317 on Maple Drive. Area units please respond. 360 00:23:17,220 --> 00:23:18,823 What is a 317? 361 00:23:18,892 --> 00:23:21,962 Someone tried to steal Tom Bradys jizz again. 362 00:23:35,339 --> 00:23:37,475 What is that? What are you doing? 363 00:23:37,610 --> 00:23:39,347 - I'm getting ready, dude. - What do you mean getting ready? 364 00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:40,531 What are you doing with your hand? 365 00:23:40,556 --> 00:23:42,220 I'm doing this for you, I'm getting ready ... 366 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:44,835 You got your hand on your dick what are you doing? 367 00:23:44,860 --> 00:23:46,629 I'm trying to get it half hard 368 00:23:46,631 --> 00:23:48,099 so when I get in ther I can just bust it out. 369 00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:50,436 Sitting out here in public and jerking off. 370 00:23:50,438 --> 00:23:51,906 Where do you think you are, Red Lobster? What are you doing? 371 00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,443 - What do you think I'm gonna do in there? - Forget it. 372 00:23:53,444 --> 00:23:56,382 You have not smoked pot for two whole days right? 373 00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,032 Yes I told you I'm clean, alright? Your baby is gonna be fine. 374 00:23:59,057 --> 00:24:03,464 Alright I'm sorry. I just don't want something I gotta feed with a pitchfork when he's sixteen. 375 00:24:04,001 --> 00:24:06,069 - John Bennet? - Hi. 376 00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:08,754 Right this way. I'll show where to deposit your specimen. 377 00:24:09,546 --> 00:24:11,013 Hey Johnny! 378 00:24:21,372 --> 00:24:25,045 - I'm John Bennet. - I know, I just said your name. 379 00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:27,315 Alright, yeah. Sorry I'm a little nervous. 380 00:24:27,317 --> 00:24:29,452 I've been out of the game for a while. 381 00:24:29,454 --> 00:24:32,660 - The game? - Well, I do not talk to pretty girls that often. 382 00:24:32,661 --> 00:24:36,535 - Pretty women, ladies. - I see. 383 00:24:37,806 --> 00:24:39,927 Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink? 384 00:24:41,011 --> 00:24:42,013 I do not ... 385 00:24:42,015 --> 00:24:44,150 I don't not mean this. Like a regular drink. 386 00:24:44,152 --> 00:24:46,020 I have a boyfriend. 387 00:24:46,490 --> 00:24:50,163 Yeah, okay. Too bad, you miss another great guy. 388 00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:55,308 Do I just spit in my hand or do I get a lobo or something or a magazine? 389 00:24:55,868 --> 00:24:58,736 - In video I like asian teens. - There is stuff right there. 390 00:24:59,274 --> 00:25:00,651 Alright thanks.. 391 00:25:05,331 --> 00:25:08,269 Excuse me, where's your non jerking off bathroom? 392 00:25:08,793 --> 00:25:10,805 - Down that hallway to the left. - Okay, thanks. 393 00:25:17,558 --> 00:25:19,290 Oh no way. 394 00:25:20,629 --> 00:25:24,170 Oh hey doc. Is this where you guys store all your stuff? 395 00:25:24,838 --> 00:25:28,510 Is the intermediate station, before insemination. Are you.. 396 00:25:28,975 --> 00:25:32,649 My friend is janking out a sample in one of those rooms. 397 00:25:32,855 --> 00:25:34,122 - It is a good friend. - Yeah. 398 00:25:34,124 --> 00:25:36,261 - I'm doctor Danzer. - Oh cool. Hold me closer doctor Danzer. 399 00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:41,540 Yeah whatever, I don't know. 400 00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:44,212 Wait now, you look familiar. Are you that teddy bear 401 00:25:44,213 --> 00:25:46,441 - who came to life? - I am, that's me, yeah. 402 00:25:46,484 --> 00:25:49,156 I was trying to figure out where I had seen you before and that's it. 403 00:25:49,157 --> 00:25:50,357 Good eye, good eye. 404 00:25:50,358 --> 00:25:52,227 So how did you get in to this line of work? 405 00:25:52,229 --> 00:25:54,631 Do you just love cum? 406 00:25:55,170 --> 00:25:57,842 Not especially. But I love helping good people 407 00:25:57,843 --> 00:26:01,783 fulfill their dreams of having children. It's amazing what we can do here. 408 00:26:02,319 --> 00:26:03,987 You wanna, you wanna have a look? 409 00:26:03,988 --> 00:26:05,591 Yeah sure. 410 00:26:07,397 --> 00:26:10,801 This is where we perform our pre implantation genetic diagnoses. 411 00:26:10,802 --> 00:26:13,205 We can eliminate hereditary diseases such as 412 00:26:13,207 --> 00:26:16,213 cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophies, cycocel anemia. 413 00:26:16,214 --> 00:26:18,616 - The list goes on and on really. - Wow. 414 00:26:19,957 --> 00:26:22,492 - Hey Johnny you did it! - Right here buddy. 415 00:26:22,629 --> 00:26:24,629 Euw! I mean, awesome! 416 00:26:25,033 --> 00:26:28,275 Excuse me, doctor, your wife is on the phone. She says it's an emergency. 417 00:26:28,641 --> 00:26:30,174 Excuse me, I'll be right back. 418 00:26:32,114 --> 00:26:34,385 Do you want to see it huh? Want to see your kid? 419 00:26:34,387 --> 00:26:35,855 I can see it from here. Thanks, yes. 420 00:26:35,856 --> 00:26:40,264 - Take a closer, it's your kid. - No, no, no it's close enough. 421 00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:43,270 - Catch! - Oh shit! 422 00:26:43,271 --> 00:26:45,676 - Oh God! - That's somebodys fucking kid. 423 00:26:45,678 --> 00:26:48,347 It was not my fault, you were supposed to catch it.. 424 00:26:48,348 --> 00:26:50,285 - We gotta find something to scope it up. - There's containers over there. 425 00:26:50,287 --> 00:26:52,423 Let's go for the plate. 426 00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:56,031 Alright, that's not gonna work, you need two of them to scope one into the other. 427 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,041 - Of fuck! - Oh, my fucking God! 428 00:27:01,042 --> 00:27:02,777 Fuck! 429 00:27:07,256 --> 00:27:08,857 - Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth! - Hang on! 430 00:27:08,858 --> 00:27:11,730 - I gotta post this on facebook. - No! 431 00:27:12,334 --> 00:27:14,603 Hashtag, grrr mondays. 432 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:18,213 - Oh, my God! - Look I'm so sorry! 433 00:27:18,214 --> 00:27:20,751 We're so sorry. 434 00:27:20,753 --> 00:27:23,890 Well I guess it's alright. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples. 435 00:27:23,891 --> 00:27:27,431 You hear that Johnny? You are covered in rejected black guys semen. 436 00:27:27,499 --> 00:27:29,234 - You look like a Kardashian. - Fuck. 437 00:27:42,663 --> 00:27:46,539 No, make sure you have all the updated information about our comic con placement. 438 00:27:46,541 --> 00:27:49,946 This has to be the biggest, most impressive roll out of the convention. 439 00:27:49,947 --> 00:27:51,548 Good morning, mr. Jessup. 440 00:27:51,751 --> 00:27:52,750 Good morning. 441 00:27:52,751 --> 00:27:54,887 My name is Donnie. 442 00:27:55,826 --> 00:27:57,359 - Hi, Donnie - Hi. 443 00:27:57,429 --> 00:28:00,101 This is a multiplatform release. So I want a full report. 444 00:28:00,102 --> 00:28:01,769 Fresh cakes. 445 00:28:03,643 --> 00:28:05,845 - What? - In the urinal sir. 446 00:28:06,650 --> 00:28:10,454 I notice you always use urinal force so I put fresh cakes in there for you 447 00:28:10,659 --> 00:28:13,728 You are an important man, you should never have to smell pee. 448 00:28:14,331 --> 00:28:19,273 See, most people flip the cakes. I replace the cakes. 449 00:28:20,345 --> 00:28:21,986 That's the Donnie difference . 450 00:28:24,688 --> 00:28:27,624 I need a full report on all the placements of all our merchandise. 451 00:28:31,836 --> 00:28:33,556 I'm afraid I have bad news. 452 00:28:33,774 --> 00:28:36,055 I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure. 453 00:28:36,446 --> 00:28:38,181 - Wait what? - Why not? 454 00:28:38,518 --> 00:28:42,858 According to your test results you are no longer fertile. 455 00:28:42,925 --> 00:28:45,460 - What? - Wait, doctor. are you sure about that? 456 00:28:45,530 --> 00:28:49,137 - Maybe you should check again. - I'm quite sure. 457 00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:53,214 Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use 458 00:28:53,215 --> 00:28:56,688 your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised. 459 00:28:56,824 --> 00:28:59,025 - What are you talking about? It looks fine. - Yeah! 460 00:28:59,761 --> 00:29:03,366 Forgive me, that's a normal ovary. This is Tami-Lynns. 461 00:29:03,903 --> 00:29:07,175 - Jesus! - Yes, but I bet this stuff happens alot. 462 00:29:07,177 --> 00:29:09,780 I mean, you probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right? 463 00:29:09,850 --> 00:29:11,986 No. Not once. Not ever. 464 00:29:12,255 --> 00:29:15,328 When I saw this I threw up. I almost quite medicine. 465 00:29:15,729 --> 00:29:18,531 Bottom line is insemination isn't possible. 466 00:29:19,003 --> 00:29:22,274 I don't understand. None of this makes any sense. 467 00:29:22,275 --> 00:29:24,082 It's OK darling. Come on, let's just go. 468 00:29:24,084 --> 00:29:27,150 What does it mean? Does this mean we can't have a baby? 469 00:29:27,151 --> 00:29:30,158 I do not know but it's gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be okay. 470 00:29:30,427 --> 00:29:31,961 It really isn't. 471 00:29:44,123 --> 00:29:48,597 Well, I've gone through your application and vetted your personal history 472 00:29:49,668 --> 00:29:51,804 and I'm afraid this isn't going to work out. 473 00:29:52,807 --> 00:29:54,875 - What? - Why not? 474 00:29:55,012 --> 00:29:58,617 Well, first of all there is a question of Tami-Lynns drug conviction. 475 00:29:58,686 --> 00:30:00,488 Hey, I did my community service. 476 00:30:00,490 --> 00:30:03,294 Yeah, and besides, that was five years ago. She's clean. 477 00:30:03,965 --> 00:30:09,442 There's another issue and honestly it's the more serious one. I was reluctant to bring it up because... 478 00:30:11,914 --> 00:30:13,448 It is a little awkward. 479 00:30:14,186 --> 00:30:18,126 Ted, in the eyes of the state you are not a person. 480 00:30:19,463 --> 00:30:21,332 Wait, what? 481 00:30:22,203 --> 00:30:27,547 The state official I spoke to said that technically you are classified as property. 482 00:30:29,819 --> 00:30:32,287 I'm not a person? 483 00:30:32,625 --> 00:30:35,563 Not according to the government. I'm sorry. 484 00:30:35,564 --> 00:30:37,367 But that is so fucked up! 485 00:30:37,903 --> 00:30:41,376 - Property? - You know that Teddy, let's get out of here. 486 00:30:41,645 --> 00:30:44,383 Come on. 487 00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:48,323 Look. You seem like good people. Be careful. 488 00:30:49,262 --> 00:30:50,997 What do you mean be careful? 489 00:30:50,998 --> 00:30:56,942 The state official I spoke to made it sound like your status has gone under the radar for some time. 490 00:30:57,144 --> 00:31:00,351 Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. 491 00:31:00,352 --> 00:31:05,894 If they choose to investigate the issue it may leave you quite vulnerable. 492 00:31:19,126 --> 00:31:23,332 Hey, I just got of work and heard your message. Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that? 493 00:31:23,334 --> 00:31:24,669 Yeah, it's unbelievable. 494 00:31:24,670 --> 00:31:27,005 They say I'm property. 495 00:31:27,075 --> 00:31:29,077 What does that even mean? 496 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,148 That you are a thing? Like garbage or a piece of shit? 497 00:31:31,283 --> 00:31:34,824 Well, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah. 498 00:31:35,093 --> 00:31:37,280 What the hell do they know? It's just a word. Do not 499 00:31:37,282 --> 00:31:39,968 They can't change a life just by calling it property. 500 00:31:39,968 --> 00:31:42,906 Bullshit! Better ask my ancestors. 501 00:31:42,974 --> 00:31:47,115 One minute you're in Africa washing your clothes in the river with titties out, you're good. 502 00:31:47,117 --> 00:31:50,856 Then all of the sudden, you somewhere across the world fucking Thomas Jefferson. 503 00:31:51,258 --> 00:31:53,863 Wow, you make history come alive. 504 00:31:54,199 --> 00:31:55,799 Why the hell is this comming up now? 505 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,610 Well, I've never voted, I don't have a drivers licence, I don't pay taxes. 506 00:32:00,612 --> 00:32:03,015 Hell, this is the first job I ever had. 507 00:32:04,288 --> 00:32:06,489 Ted. Can I see you for a moment? 508 00:32:08,362 --> 00:32:10,764 I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go. 509 00:32:10,766 --> 00:32:11,966 What? 510 00:32:12,170 --> 00:32:15,243 Why? I've been busting my ass of on this job for three years. 511 00:32:15,311 --> 00:32:17,953 I just got a call from the labour department. 512 00:32:18,449 --> 00:32:22,524 I can't legally keep you as an emplyee because I've been informed that you're technically 513 00:32:22,525 --> 00:32:25,263 Technically not a person. Yeah, Jesus Christ! 514 00:32:26,533 --> 00:32:30,074 I'm sorry but as of today you're fired. 515 00:32:33,750 --> 00:32:38,024 Dear Ted, your Chase bank account has been terminated due to lack of citizenship. 516 00:32:38,025 --> 00:32:40,763 Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked. 517 00:32:40,764 --> 00:32:45,372 Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Chinoawards member. Fuck, that's a big one. 518 00:32:45,777 --> 00:32:47,510 This poor baby booty. 519 00:32:48,046 --> 00:32:52,052 It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here. 520 00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:54,992 I don't understand. We would've made such great parents. 521 00:32:56,799 --> 00:32:58,267 Oh my God! 522 00:32:58,468 --> 00:33:00,671 - Oh my God, Teddy. - Woo, woo what's wrong? 523 00:33:00,673 --> 00:33:02,140 Look at this. 524 00:33:02,345 --> 00:33:07,085 Dear Ted, the state of Masachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight 525 00:33:07,087 --> 00:33:09,891 regarding your legal status 526 00:33:10,226 --> 00:33:14,633 your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state 527 00:33:14,771 --> 00:33:18,176 and therefore invalid and hereby annulled. 528 00:33:18,243 --> 00:33:21,583 - Teddy, can they do this to us? - Let me see that. 529 00:33:24,857 --> 00:33:26,392 This is a nightmare! 530 00:33:29,936 --> 00:33:32,874 - You fucking believe that? - No, this is insane. 531 00:33:33,276 --> 00:33:35,011 Tami is the woman I love. 532 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:39,886 I would never even have tried to adopt a dog If I had known that it was gonna cause 533 00:33:39,890 --> 00:33:41,824 - me this kind of shitstorm. - This whole thing is comple bullshit. 534 00:33:41,826 --> 00:33:44,029 If you ask me we gotta fight it. 535 00:33:44,031 --> 00:33:46,501 - What do you mean? - I mean we get a lawyer. 536 00:33:46,838 --> 00:33:48,908 - Oh my God, can we do that? - Hell yeah! 537 00:33:48,910 --> 00:33:52,650 You know what we do? We get a lawyer and sue the fucking government for your civil rights. 538 00:33:52,651 --> 00:33:54,584 Johnny, that's a great idea. 539 00:33:54,586 --> 00:33:56,656 Maybe we can get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers, 540 00:33:56,658 --> 00:34:00,532 who get shot in the head and turns around all retired and says "What we're doing is wrong". 541 00:34:00,533 --> 00:34:04,607 Yes. We go out there and stick it to them good! We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to. 542 00:34:05,945 --> 00:34:08,817 But we do not know any lawyer. All our friends make sandwiches. 543 00:34:08,818 --> 00:34:10,819 We just google Boston lawyers. 544 00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:14,827 Jesus, look at that black cock. 545 00:34:36,543 --> 00:34:38,880 This is a very complicated case you have here. 546 00:34:39,683 --> 00:34:44,292 Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles. 547 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:46,562 Well everybody says you're the best in town. 548 00:34:46,764 --> 00:34:50,037 Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. 549 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:52,573 What is your financial situation? 550 00:34:52,642 --> 00:34:55,717 All of our holdings are tied up in the railroads. 551 00:34:55,785 --> 00:34:58,388 Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O Railroad, Pennsylvanian Railroad. 552 00:34:58,390 --> 00:35:03,100 We're working on short line, I own atlantic avenue on Marvin Gardens . 553 00:35:03,103 --> 00:35:04,800 And I have 4 houses on Baltic Ave. I'm thinking about just tear them down and build a hotel. 554 00:35:04,803 --> 00:35:07,943 I won second prize at a beauty contest, thats $50 right there. 555 00:35:07,944 --> 00:35:10,012 Are you guys just saying monolpoy stuff? 556 00:35:10,014 --> 00:35:13,020 I'm gonna drive around the block and I'll be back with $200. 557 00:35:13,021 --> 00:35:14,689 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 558 00:35:15,291 --> 00:35:19,967 My niece has just passed the law exam, and I hired her on as junior associate here with the firm. 559 00:35:20,103 --> 00:35:23,107 I can assign her to your case pro-bono. 560 00:35:23,177 --> 00:35:28,050 Then you would get a hungry young attorney and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. 561 00:35:28,588 --> 00:35:29,922 So what do you say to that? 562 00:35:29,923 --> 00:35:31,991 Yeah, sure, it sounds great. 563 00:35:32,795 --> 00:35:35,266 Are those high candies just to take? 564 00:35:35,871 --> 00:35:37,738 Those arn't supposed to be out. 565 00:35:48,498 --> 00:35:50,365 Hello? 566 00:35:50,366 --> 00:35:51,967 Fuck! 567 00:35:52,905 --> 00:35:54,507 - Hi. - Are you okay? 568 00:35:54,510 --> 00:35:57,914 Yeah, Im fine. You must be Ted. 569 00:35:57,915 --> 00:36:01,188 - Yes, I'm Ted, this is my buddy John. - Hi! 570 00:36:01,189 --> 00:36:04,796 My uncle says that you guys are my first clients. 571 00:36:04,865 --> 00:36:07,669 Well yeah, it's been discussed but, uh... 572 00:36:08,406 --> 00:36:11,878 - Do you mind if I ask how old you are? - I'm 26 years. 573 00:36:13,349 --> 00:36:14,950 What, is that a problem? 574 00:36:14,952 --> 00:36:18,760 I just dont want my lawyer singing frozen songs during an open argument. 575 00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:22,968 This is just a really important case. Ted has already lost his job and his marriage has been annulled. 576 00:36:22,970 --> 00:36:25,439 I know. My uncle gave me all the details. 577 00:36:25,441 --> 00:36:29,516 Right, you see, the thing is we dont wanna take any chances because the stakes are so significant. 578 00:36:29,517 --> 00:36:32,186 We can't just rush into anything. We gotta make sure we do the right decision. 579 00:36:32,187 --> 00:36:34,618 We really appreciate your time, but I think what we're probably gonna do is just... 580 00:36:34,620 --> 00:36:37,398 take a seat and get to work. 581 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,735 - We trust you completely. - Yeah we really feel you got a lot to offer. 582 00:36:42,277 --> 00:36:45,148 Sorry. You dont mind the pot do you? I get migraines. 583 00:36:45,149 --> 00:36:46,553 Yeah absolutely, me to. 584 00:36:46,555 --> 00:36:49,557 I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes. 585 00:36:49,692 --> 00:36:51,628 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson. 586 00:36:51,630 --> 00:36:53,966 - Ted, How are you? - Good to meet you, John. 587 00:36:54,970 --> 00:36:58,242 - Wait, what is your middle name? - Leslie. 588 00:36:58,243 --> 00:37:01,316 Oh my God! So you are Sam L Jackson? 589 00:37:01,317 --> 00:37:03,320 That's fucking great, just like Samuel L Jackson! 590 00:37:03,322 --> 00:37:06,393 - Who is that? - Have you seen any a movie ever? 591 00:37:06,394 --> 00:37:08,128 He's the black guy. 592 00:37:10,670 --> 00:37:12,072 The weed is really good. 593 00:37:12,074 --> 00:37:15,013 It reminds me of the train I smoked last summer called here comes autism 594 00:37:15,014 --> 00:37:19,555 Yeah I was just gonna say it's sorta like this other badge we had called how long has that van been there? 595 00:37:19,556 --> 00:37:22,828 No it's a new stream that my dealer gave me called help me get home. 596 00:37:23,030 --> 00:37:25,633 I am surprised that a lawyer like you gets high. 597 00:37:25,635 --> 00:37:28,307 Are not you supposed to be fighting the war against drugs and all that shit? 598 00:37:28,308 --> 00:37:30,512 Please, the war on drugs is a joke. 599 00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:32,784 It's just a way for the government to inflate lawenforcement budgets 600 00:37:32,786 --> 00:37:35,923 and lock up minorities for no good reason. 601 00:37:35,924 --> 00:37:38,798 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority. 602 00:37:38,799 --> 00:37:40,667 Yeah, no shit. 603 00:37:40,669 --> 00:37:44,006 They deny you the same rights as everybody else just because you're different. 604 00:37:44,007 --> 00:37:46,680 And I say that's a violation of the constitution. 605 00:37:47,015 --> 00:37:49,417 So what do you say? Can you get me my life back? 606 00:37:52,828 --> 00:37:54,428 I'm gonna try. 607 00:37:55,166 --> 00:37:58,637 Guys, I'm having some troubles over here. 608 00:37:58,841 --> 00:38:01,110 What's the matter? 609 00:38:01,111 --> 00:38:02,871 Can you help me get home? 610 00:38:03,917 --> 00:38:08,124 - I'm having a real hard time! - It's okay, buddy. You are fine. 611 00:38:08,126 --> 00:38:11,799 - I'm scared! - It's okay, it's okay. 612 00:38:11,802 --> 00:38:13,602 You just have to hang on to the wall. 613 00:38:14,741 --> 00:38:16,142 Someone is going to get me! 614 00:38:16,143 --> 00:38:18,077 How far away do you live? 615 00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:20,217 About a mile and a half. 616 00:38:20,218 --> 00:38:24,055 Hey, it's okey. 617 00:38:33,779 --> 00:38:38,856 Alright, I got Dred Scott vs Sandford, Plessy vs Ferguson and Brown vs board of education 618 00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:43,467 I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs Predator, and Freddy vs Jason. 619 00:38:43,469 --> 00:38:46,540 I got the Ernest goes to camp, Ernest goes to jail and... 620 00:38:46,541 --> 00:38:49,814 The importance of being Earnest, which was very disappointing. 621 00:39:11,459 --> 00:39:13,395 Okay, I'll ask you some test questions, are you ready? 622 00:39:13,397 --> 00:39:14,466 Yep, bring it on. 623 00:39:14,468 --> 00:39:18,608 You're on the stand, the D.A says: Ted, do you consider yourself to be human? 624 00:39:18,609 --> 00:39:19,745 - Objection. - Sustained. 625 00:39:19,747 --> 00:39:21,214 No, the witness can't object. 626 00:39:21,215 --> 00:39:22,883 - Overruled? Guilty, so it is. - Speculation. 627 00:39:22,885 --> 00:39:25,023 Hearsay.... Bailiff.... Briefcase.... Disregard.... In my chambers. 628 00:39:25,025 --> 00:39:26,691 - Stop beavering the witness. - I rest. 629 00:39:26,692 --> 00:39:28,426 We can totally be lawyers. 630 00:41:01,895 --> 00:41:05,969 Your name is Toby. You're going to learn to say your name. 631 00:41:06,171 --> 00:41:08,406 Let me hear you say it. 632 00:41:08,642 --> 00:41:11,180 What's your name? 633 00:41:11,182 --> 00:41:13,517 Kunta. Kunta Kinte. 634 00:41:14,187 --> 00:41:16,990 It's just like me. That's exctly what I'm going through. 635 00:41:17,530 --> 00:41:18,929 Well, it''s a little different. 636 00:41:18,930 --> 00:41:23,004 You know Ted, if you legally become a person, you're gonna need a name last name. 637 00:41:23,409 --> 00:41:24,874 Oh yeah you're right. 638 00:41:25,212 --> 00:41:26,611 Okay...I got one. 639 00:41:26,612 --> 00:41:27,681 Okay what is it? 640 00:41:27,683 --> 00:41:29,552 Clubberlang. 641 00:41:29,553 --> 00:41:31,154 Who is Clubberlang? 642 00:41:31,357 --> 00:41:34,280 - Who is Clubberlang? - Mr. T's character in Rocky 3.hello? 643 00:41:34,897 --> 00:41:36,285 Is that from boxing movies? 644 00:41:36,287 --> 00:41:39,040 The boxing movies? You've never seen Rocky? 645 00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:41,444 You've never seen Rocky? You know ... 646 00:41:45,623 --> 00:41:46,673 You know, Rocky! 647 00:41:46,674 --> 00:41:50,397 I'm not gonna remember a movie I have never seen just because you're singing a song I don't know. 648 00:41:50,398 --> 00:41:54,805 You do not know Samuel L. Jackson. You don't know Rocky.. You are literally pop culture. 649 00:41:54,807 --> 00:41:58,815 I have a college degree, my popcultur references are Hamlet and Achilles and Dorian Gray. 650 00:41:58,817 --> 00:42:00,286 Never heard of any of them? 651 00:42:00,287 --> 00:42:02,821 No, but I'm pretty sure Mister T could kick their ass. 652 00:42:02,823 --> 00:42:05,562 - Yeah, you really need to be educated. - Oh really? 653 00:42:06,365 --> 00:42:09,303 Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby? 654 00:42:09,573 --> 00:42:10,707 - Judy Vaughn? - Hitler? 655 00:42:10,708 --> 00:42:11,975 F. Scott Fitzgerald. 656 00:42:11,977 --> 00:42:13,445 Who's that? 657 00:42:13,581 --> 00:42:14,647 The author. 658 00:42:14,649 --> 00:42:16,519 - Why are you saying fuck him? - What? 659 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:20,192 You just said F Scott Fitzgerald, what did Scott Fizgerald ever do to you? 660 00:42:20,194 --> 00:42:22,131 No, that's his first name. 661 00:42:22,133 --> 00:42:25,137 . His name is Fuck Scott Fitzgerald? - What? No! 662 00:42:25,138 --> 00:42:27,408 - Then what does the F stands for? - Francis! 663 00:42:27,410 --> 00:42:30,750 - No, it gotta be fuck. - It must be. 664 00:42:30,751 --> 00:42:32,021 Why the hell would it be Fuck? 665 00:42:32,022 --> 00:42:35,426 - Because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it? - Yeah, he is hiding something. It's Fuck. 666 00:42:35,428 --> 00:42:37,229 - Read between the lines. - It's fucked. 667 00:42:37,230 --> 00:42:39,366 This is completely insane. You guys are idiots. 668 00:42:39,368 --> 00:42:42,439 Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Cubberlang, get used to it. 669 00:42:48,456 --> 00:42:49,922 Yes? 670 00:42:53,332 --> 00:42:55,800 Sir? One of the janitors would like to see you. 671 00:42:56,005 --> 00:42:57,470 I'm busy. 672 00:42:57,541 --> 00:42:59,142 Fresh cakes. 673 00:43:00,012 --> 00:43:01,213 What is it Danny? 674 00:43:01,215 --> 00:43:04,288 - Donny sir. - Well Donny, I'm extremely busy 675 00:43:04,289 --> 00:43:05,958 with the comic con presentation 676 00:43:05,959 --> 00:43:10,966 I'm told you have an open door policy here at Hasbro for new toy ideas from any and all employees. 677 00:43:12,038 --> 00:43:13,771 Yeah, I suppose that's true. 678 00:43:15,044 --> 00:43:16,512 Alright, come in. 679 00:43:16,515 --> 00:43:20,654 Okay. Thank you, I love your dress. 680 00:43:26,871 --> 00:43:30,741 Mr. Jessup I can make this company a billion dollars. 681 00:43:31,011 --> 00:43:32,479 I'm listening... 682 00:43:33,284 --> 00:43:38,827 30 years ago a little boy named John Bennett made a wish that his teddy bear would come to life. 683 00:43:39,296 --> 00:43:43,101 - Somehow, one of our Hasbro... - Yes, I'm aware of the story. 684 00:43:45,441 --> 00:43:47,410 Have you seen this? 685 00:43:52,123 --> 00:43:53,791 So what? 686 00:43:53,793 --> 00:43:56,599 Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. 687 00:43:56,601 --> 00:44:02,612 If he loses, the state will officially declare him a non entity with no rights under the law. 688 00:44:03,245 --> 00:44:07,166 That means he becomes property. Mr Jessup. 689 00:44:07,622 --> 00:44:13,367 We can take him back with only a trivial degree of legal consequenses, if we were even caught. 690 00:44:13,569 --> 00:44:15,371 And why would we do this? 691 00:44:15,372 --> 00:44:20,114 Sir, if we can cut him open to see what makes him tick 692 00:44:20,116 --> 00:44:24,926 we can manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. 693 00:44:24,928 --> 00:44:26,995 Hasbro will double it's profits over night. 694 00:44:28,467 --> 00:44:29,668 Go on. 695 00:44:29,669 --> 00:44:32,139 We just have to make sure that Ted loses the case. 696 00:44:32,141 --> 00:44:36,616 You use every back channel, every bribe, you call in every favour 697 00:44:36,618 --> 00:44:41,223 and you get the best lawyer in the world on defence. 698 00:44:41,828 --> 00:44:47,905 When Teds rights are officially annulled, we grab him! 699 00:44:49,112 --> 00:44:51,982 No one's gonna kick up a legal fuss over property. 700 00:44:53,119 --> 00:44:57,993 - You are hell of a lot smarter than your urinal case Danny. - Really? 701 00:44:57,995 --> 00:45:03,539 - Now what exactly do you want from this? - Mr Jessup, I'm not interested in money. 702 00:45:06,213 --> 00:45:08,615 I just want a Ted of my very own. 703 00:45:09,755 --> 00:45:12,492 Alright. I think I can handle the defense. 704 00:45:13,828 --> 00:45:15,697 But let's make one thing clear. 705 00:45:15,699 --> 00:45:21,043 We never had this conversation. Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. 706 00:45:21,379 --> 00:45:23,783 - Do you understand? - Yes I do. 707 00:45:27,793 --> 00:45:30,396 I need Shep Wild. 708 00:45:33,304 --> 00:45:35,338 That was such a good dinner. 709 00:45:35,341 --> 00:45:37,211 I've never had pringles on my steak before. 710 00:45:37,346 --> 00:45:41,019 It's my pleasure. Imean, it's the least I can do with all you do for us, really. 711 00:45:41,956 --> 00:45:43,958 Well I havn't done anything yet. 712 00:45:44,295 --> 00:45:46,295 We wanted to take you out to dinner, but .. 713 00:45:46,701 --> 00:45:50,039 we only got Tamis income these days since no one will hire me. 714 00:45:50,105 --> 00:45:51,642 Things are getting really tight huh? 715 00:45:51,644 --> 00:45:53,913 Yeah, i've had to do things I'm not proud of. 716 00:45:53,915 --> 00:45:59,794 BiJs here, hot bitchjes,2 pussy ready to go just $3. 717 00:45:59,795 --> 00:46:02,866 Bitches here 718 00:46:03,868 --> 00:46:07,276 Hey listen, I got an idea. Tami, what do you say me and you go and do the dishes? 719 00:46:07,277 --> 00:46:10,147 And give Sam and Diane here some alone time? 720 00:46:10,951 --> 00:46:12,753 Alright, alright. 721 00:46:13,088 --> 00:46:15,157 Hey you pulled that bed back bitch. 722 00:46:17,033 --> 00:46:18,041 What do you think that was about? 723 00:46:18,042 --> 00:46:21,904 It's nothing. It's his way of saying that I should ask you out. 724 00:46:23,975 --> 00:46:25,447 - Look ... - We should propbably focus our attention to the case. 725 00:46:26,449 --> 00:46:28,250 I completely agree. 726 00:46:29,356 --> 00:46:32,594 You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy like you isn't attached? 727 00:46:34,733 --> 00:46:38,074 Well, I was married. It just didn't work out. 728 00:46:38,342 --> 00:46:41,147 - Shit, I'm sorry. That sucks. - No. 729 00:46:41,749 --> 00:46:47,294 We made it work day by day but she was just trying to change me into something I'm not. 730 00:46:47,897 --> 00:46:49,364 And I tried, you know. 731 00:46:50,101 --> 00:46:52,905 I tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. 732 00:46:54,376 --> 00:46:57,447 One day I woke up and just realized I wasn't myself anymore. 733 00:46:58,652 --> 00:47:02,392 You know, as much as I loved this person, we were completely wrong for eachother. 734 00:47:03,598 --> 00:47:05,398 At least you figured it out early. 735 00:47:05,934 --> 00:47:09,339 Some people go through their whole lives trying to make it work with the wrong person. 736 00:47:12,482 --> 00:47:14,016 So...are we gonna win this thing? 737 00:47:14,484 --> 00:47:16,021 Honestly, I don't know. 738 00:47:16,757 --> 00:47:18,159 We're betting on you. 739 00:47:18,895 --> 00:47:21,498 Johnny, come on, it's almost seven o'clock. We gotta get up there. 740 00:47:21,501 --> 00:47:23,169 Hey Sam, do you want in on this? 741 00:47:23,305 --> 00:47:24,640 - What is it? - Oh on Tuesday night we get fucked up 742 00:47:24,642 --> 00:47:26,576 and threw apples at joggers. 743 00:47:31,321 --> 00:47:33,992 Oh, there's one. 744 00:47:33,993 --> 00:47:36,597 - Hey! How's the workout? - Fuck you! 745 00:47:36,599 --> 00:47:40,406 - What the hell is your problem? - Take an apple. 746 00:47:40,408 --> 00:47:45,617 You sons of bitches. 747 00:47:48,624 --> 00:47:53,499 - That's the lottery, that's the lottery! - That's what you get for fucking exercising. 748 00:48:29,712 --> 00:48:31,113 Teddy? 749 00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:34,988 - Teddy, I'm scared. - Baby, we're gonna be fine. 750 00:48:34,990 --> 00:48:38,464 I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says, you are my wife. 751 00:48:38,904 --> 00:48:40,506 I love you so much! 752 00:48:40,870 --> 00:48:43,674 And I swear to God that if we lose I'm gonna fucking cut that judge. 753 00:48:43,675 --> 00:48:45,411 Wait a minute, did you brought your switchblade? 754 00:48:45,413 --> 00:48:47,816 - Yeah. - But they padded os down on the way in. 755 00:48:47,818 --> 00:48:51,720 Where did you even hide it? 756 00:48:51,893 --> 00:48:53,227 Hey Sam! 757 00:48:53,229 --> 00:48:55,096 Who's that butthole over there? 758 00:48:57,371 --> 00:49:02,311 That's why we have been working so hard. That's Shep Wild. It's our bad luck they put him on the trial. 759 00:49:02,917 --> 00:49:05,252 He's never lost a case in his life. 760 00:49:05,321 --> 00:49:08,327 Mr. Wild, your opening statement if you will please. 761 00:49:09,330 --> 00:49:10,932 Thank you your honor. 762 00:49:11,802 --> 00:49:14,684 I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury 763 00:49:15,007 --> 00:49:17,476 for taking time from their busy schedules, 764 00:49:17,814 --> 00:49:19,817 to be a part of this proceding. 765 00:49:20,354 --> 00:49:28,678 Now, the case we're examining today really is quite a simple one. Is Ted a human being? 766 00:49:28,770 --> 00:49:30,775 Or a piece of property? 767 00:49:31,110 --> 00:49:37,385 You know? It really is a very special, very unique thing to be human. 768 00:49:37,925 --> 00:49:41,529 It is a gift from God, bestowed upon only one species... 769 00:49:41,865 --> 00:49:43,668 Us. 770 00:49:43,737 --> 00:49:47,341 But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, where does that lead us? 771 00:49:47,410 --> 00:49:51,951 Does your dog deserve human rights? 772 00:49:51,953 --> 00:49:53,421 Your cat? 773 00:49:53,423 --> 00:49:55,225 Your toaster? 774 00:49:57,899 --> 00:50:03,238 Suddenly being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it? 775 00:50:03,243 --> 00:50:05,511 I'm confident you'll make the right decision. 776 00:50:06,185 --> 00:50:08,988 Thank you Mr. Wild, for your opening statement. 777 00:50:09,390 --> 00:50:10,924 Miss Jackson ... 778 00:50:16,272 --> 00:50:17,939 Hi! 779 00:50:18,410 --> 00:50:22,751 I'm Samantha Jackson, and I gotta be honest with you. 780 00:50:23,888 --> 00:50:25,821 I'm a little nervous ... 781 00:50:26,427 --> 00:50:28,093 Why am I nervous? 782 00:50:29,032 --> 00:50:32,268 Well not because I'm a junior attorney arguing her first case. 783 00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:37,049 And not because some of you might laugh at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear. 784 00:50:40,256 --> 00:50:45,198 No, I'm nervous because of one simple word. 785 00:50:47,070 --> 00:50:48,939 Justice. 786 00:50:49,475 --> 00:50:55,486 I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed by smooth talk 787 00:50:56,091 --> 00:51:02,020 and a haircut and forget about the most important aspect to this case. 788 00:51:02,837 --> 00:51:04,973 Justice! 789 00:51:05,912 --> 00:51:09,405 150 years ago, a slave by the name Dred Scott 790 00:51:09,603 --> 00:51:12,900 sued to prove he was a person and not a piece of property 791 00:51:13,629 --> 00:51:15,296 He lost. 792 00:51:15,832 --> 00:51:19,438 And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice. 793 00:51:21,577 --> 00:51:24,516 In every civil rights conflict we are only able to 794 00:51:24,986 --> 00:51:31,531 recognize the just point of view years after the facts. 795 00:51:31,601 --> 00:51:37,542 And when the next conflict comes along, we are once again blind to it as it's happening. 796 00:51:37,813 --> 00:51:41,554 Well, this is different you say, but it isn't. 797 00:51:42,491 --> 00:51:47,699 It's the same beast wearing a different face, and it's happening again today. 798 00:51:48,973 --> 00:51:55,585 So I urge you ladies and gentlemen of the jury not to be a foot note on the wrong side of history. 799 00:51:58,059 --> 00:52:00,529 Don't wait too long to be right. 800 00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:03,336 Thank You. 801 00:52:06,947 --> 00:52:09,483 - Erection. - Sustained. 802 00:52:12,491 --> 00:52:16,229 Miss McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child, is that correct? 803 00:52:16,232 --> 00:52:18,434 Yeah. 804 00:52:18,436 --> 00:52:21,777 And if I may inquire, why did you not choose to have a child of your own? 805 00:52:22,646 --> 00:52:24,582 Cause Teddy aint got no dick. 806 00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:32,264 And why does Ted not posess a... 807 00:52:32,803 --> 00:52:35,741 Male appendix? Is it a freak of genetics? 808 00:52:35,809 --> 00:52:39,282 No asshole, he aint got a dick cause he's a fucking toy. So what's your excuse? 809 00:52:39,952 --> 00:52:41,220 Take a burn! 810 00:52:41,222 --> 00:52:43,544 Yeah how does your tongue taste in your own ass Poindexter. 811 00:52:43,826 --> 00:52:45,228 Yes! What? 812 00:52:45,230 --> 00:52:47,166 Order! 813 00:52:48,169 --> 00:52:49,637 Mr Bennet? 814 00:52:49,705 --> 00:52:53,179 How would you categorize your relationship with Ted? 815 00:52:53,781 --> 00:52:55,518 He's my best friend! 816 00:52:55,651 --> 00:52:59,192 - So you don't see him as your property? - He's not my property. 817 00:52:59,262 --> 00:53:04,538 He's a person. He's way more person than alot of other people. I mean, fucking Steven Tayla? 818 00:53:04,540 --> 00:53:07,077 What the fuck is that? Some kind of weird soccermom looking goonie monster? 819 00:53:07,278 --> 00:53:09,214 - Your honor! - I'll allow it. 820 00:53:09,284 --> 00:53:13,185 Thank you, Your Honor. Your witness. 821 00:53:16,098 --> 00:53:18,098 Mr Bennet? 822 00:53:18,234 --> 00:53:20,639 When and where did you first encounter Ted? 823 00:53:21,041 --> 00:53:23,924 What do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid. 824 00:53:24,516 --> 00:53:26,451 Aha, they got him. 825 00:53:27,122 --> 00:53:29,123 Where did they get him? 826 00:53:31,399 --> 00:53:33,401 A childhood toy store. 827 00:53:33,403 --> 00:53:36,148 -Im sorry, I couldn't here that. Can you repeat? - Childhood toy store. You fucking heard me! 828 00:53:36,150 --> 00:53:37,810 There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennet. 829 00:53:37,811 --> 00:53:40,350 Why? Nobody here likes you? I saw you eat lunch alone. You're a loser! 830 00:53:40,352 --> 00:53:41,753 Your honor? 831 00:53:41,754 --> 00:53:43,690 - Mr Bennett! - I hope that your kids get bird flu. 832 00:53:43,692 --> 00:53:45,829 - Mr. Benett! - I'm sorry! 833 00:53:45,830 --> 00:53:49,304 Now, you said your parents purchased Ted. 834 00:53:49,306 --> 00:53:52,911 As one might purchase a baseball glove or a big wheel. 835 00:53:52,912 --> 00:53:54,780 - It's not like that! - Objection! 836 00:53:54,784 --> 00:53:57,722 - You can't do that. - You know what? This is bullshit! 837 00:53:57,724 --> 00:54:00,997 This corpse is telling me I'm not as good as other people. 838 00:54:00,998 --> 00:54:03,402 And that's exactly what you've been doing to the fags. 839 00:54:03,403 --> 00:54:05,205 - Ted! - Sorry, the homos. 840 00:54:05,207 --> 00:54:08,746 This is exactly what he has been doing with homos, and I say that is wrong! 841 00:54:08,748 --> 00:54:12,219 Miss Jackson, please control your client or i'll hold you both in contempt of court. 842 00:54:12,220 --> 00:54:14,358 Piss off. 843 00:54:14,359 --> 00:54:19,016 I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos, we deserve respect. 844 00:54:19,018 --> 00:54:23,742 - Ted, shut up! - Fine. 845 00:54:29,994 --> 00:54:32,600 Your honor, I would like to call Ted Clubberlang to the stand. 846 00:54:32,601 --> 00:54:35,872 Yes! My turn assholes. 847 00:54:41,086 --> 00:54:45,025 - Ted, do you love your wife? - Objection! 848 00:54:45,362 --> 00:54:48,900 - She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.. - I rephrase. 849 00:54:49,705 --> 00:54:51,706 Do you love Tami-Lynn? 850 00:54:51,910 --> 00:54:53,844 I love my wife. 851 00:54:54,381 --> 00:54:57,519 Okay my wife! more than anything in the world. 852 00:54:57,521 --> 00:54:59,190 We're married, I do not care what anyone says. 853 00:54:59,192 --> 00:55:02,798 So you're saying you are capable of feeling love? 854 00:55:04,736 --> 00:55:07,744 Yeah. Hey, it must be weird for you guys to have a doll up here in the stand 855 00:55:07,746 --> 00:55:10,484 with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him. 856 00:55:12,156 --> 00:55:15,694 Um no yeah, I am capable of love and other stuff. 857 00:55:16,164 --> 00:55:20,505 Ted? Do you believe you have a soul? 858 00:55:21,708 --> 00:55:24,246 What did you think, 859 00:55:24,448 --> 00:55:27,386 I would do at this moment 860 00:55:27,456 --> 00:55:30,394 When you`re standing before me 861 00:55:30,395 --> 00:55:33,266 with tears in your eyes. 862 00:55:33,869 --> 00:55:36,873 - Does that answer your question? - Objection, Your Honor. 863 00:55:37,009 --> 00:55:39,277 Overruled. 864 00:55:39,414 --> 00:55:41,483 What it is man. 865 00:55:42,087 --> 00:55:44,157 - Ted? - Right, sorry. 866 00:55:45,361 --> 00:55:52,175 Look, I'm not a scientist. Okay? I don't know exactly what makes a person a person 867 00:55:52,512 --> 00:55:57,317 All I know is I feel stuff. Just like all you guys, 868 00:55:57,922 --> 00:56:00,191 and I don't think I want to be treated any different. 869 00:56:04,404 --> 00:56:06,675 Capable of love. 870 00:56:07,077 --> 00:56:09,346 Aware of his own consciousness. 871 00:56:12,019 --> 00:56:16,159 It seems pretty human to me. No further questions. 872 00:56:17,231 --> 00:56:23,578 Mr Kidder, you were an employee at Hasbro for 1976 to 1998, is that correct? 873 00:56:23,580 --> 00:56:25,983 Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears. 874 00:56:26,253 --> 00:56:30,391 - And what is that stuffing made off? - Synthetic cotton, poly blend. 875 00:56:30,528 --> 00:56:34,268 - Is there anything else in there? - The bear products are affixed with 876 00:56:34,269 --> 00:56:38,076 an electronic device in the chest. Which can be programmed 877 00:56:38,078 --> 00:56:40,281 To say any one of five phrases. 878 00:56:45,495 --> 00:56:47,161 Ted... 879 00:56:47,565 --> 00:56:49,835 Would you please press your chest? 880 00:56:51,506 --> 00:56:53,242 What? 881 00:56:53,244 --> 00:56:56,115 Please follow the instructions, Mr. Clubberlang. 882 00:57:00,995 --> 00:57:03,533 I love you! 883 00:57:12,954 --> 00:57:15,223 No further questions. 884 00:57:17,365 --> 00:57:19,903 Also on the news, a petty court case is beginning to get 885 00:57:19,904 --> 00:57:23,042 national attention for it's civil rights ramification. 886 00:57:23,043 --> 00:57:27,318 Ted the bear, who some of you may remember, came to life back in the mid eighties 887 00:57:27,319 --> 00:57:31,996 right here in Boston, is suing to prove he is indeed a person. 888 00:57:31,997 --> 00:57:34,468 So , ok ...what are we even talking about here? 889 00:57:34,470 --> 00:57:39,542 What we are talking about is a civil rights issue. 890 00:57:39,543 --> 00:57:41,347 - This bear has rights. - Oh, please, it's a toy. 891 00:57:41,349 --> 00:57:43,486 Then why are you calling it a he? 892 00:57:43,487 --> 00:57:48,232 Look, we call it the Statue of Liberty a she but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel. 893 00:57:48,233 --> 00:57:52,843 Yes, but she isn't consciouss or sentient, he is. 894 00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:57,451 Come on, are you really going to sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person? 895 00:57:57,452 --> 00:57:58,387 - Not at all. 896 00:57:58,389 --> 00:57:59,857 We all agree, all the time. 897 00:57:59,859 --> 00:58:02,864 I do not think he should want to be considered a person, 898 00:58:02,865 --> 00:58:05,871 After all, Ted spent many years sleeping and cuddling with a child. 899 00:58:05,872 --> 00:58:10,280 That's cute when you're a stuffed animal, if you're a person it's a felony. 900 00:58:11,819 --> 00:58:15,023 Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense? 901 00:58:15,224 --> 00:58:19,499 I am not an animal! 902 00:58:23,108 --> 00:58:26,913 You see your honor? He is not an animal. 903 00:58:34,470 --> 00:58:37,272 I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'm on my period. 904 00:58:37,541 --> 00:58:42,049 And live from New York . It's "Saturday Night"! 905 00:59:00,526 --> 00:59:04,265 - What is taking them so long? - IIs it bad that they're taking this long? 906 00:59:04,269 --> 00:59:07,872 It's not good nor bad, it just means they're probably having a debate. 907 00:59:07,942 --> 00:59:10,346 Johny, It may be the time to play the Beetlejuice card. 908 00:59:10,347 --> 00:59:13,352 - What do you mean? - I mean, say his name three times.. 909 00:59:13,353 --> 00:59:14,956 - What? - Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice 910 00:59:14,958 --> 00:59:16,693 Shut up. 911 00:59:16,763 --> 00:59:19,500 Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around in here. 912 00:59:19,501 --> 00:59:21,170 No Johnny, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. 913 00:59:21,172 --> 00:59:23,507 - Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. - Hey, you're meddling with powers 914 00:59:23,508 --> 00:59:25,714 you don't understand. Cut the shit. 915 00:59:38,009 --> 00:59:40,145 Please be seated. 916 00:59:41,951 --> 00:59:47,726 Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict? Yes we have Your Honor. 917 00:59:47,764 --> 00:59:51,435 In the case of Ted vs the common wealth of Massachusetts 918 00:59:51,572 --> 00:59:57,648 We the jury, find for the common wealth that Ted is not a person. 919 01:00:09,412 --> 01:00:10,879 Very well! 920 01:00:10,881 --> 01:00:13,886 The plaintifft here is hereby legally deemed property. 921 01:00:13,888 --> 01:00:16,558 The definition entails the rights there of 922 01:00:16,628 --> 01:00:20,499 and will be recognized in the terms set by the state of Massachusetts. 923 01:00:21,639 --> 01:00:24,777 The court wishes to thank the jury for it's service. 924 01:00:31,860 --> 01:00:33,796 Are you sure you can get him? 925 01:00:33,931 --> 01:00:37,939 Remember. You're on your own out there. Hasbro can have no connection to this. 926 01:00:37,941 --> 01:00:40,010 I'll get him. 927 01:00:40,012 --> 01:00:42,750 And when I have him I'll call you with the code phrase. 928 01:00:43,553 --> 01:00:46,827 - Do you remember what it is? - Yes, I remember. 929 01:00:46,828 --> 01:00:48,829 - Can you say it, just for safety? - That's not ... 930 01:00:48,831 --> 01:00:50,099 - Say it. - I will not! 931 01:00:50,101 --> 01:00:51,368 - Say it. - Do I have to. 932 01:00:51,369 --> 01:00:53,038 - Say it! - Fresh cakes. 933 01:00:53,375 --> 01:00:55,578 Fresh cakes. 934 01:01:03,531 --> 01:01:07,068 This isn't fucking fair. Ted is a good man. 935 01:01:07,674 --> 01:01:10,344 Why is he being treated differently than everybody else? 936 01:01:11,014 --> 01:01:14,285 It's what this country does best. Putting different people 937 01:01:14,287 --> 01:01:17,628 in little groups and make them watch Tyler Perry. That's wrong! 938 01:01:19,031 --> 01:01:22,505 - I'm so sorry, baby. - No, I'm sorry, I thought 939 01:01:22,507 --> 01:01:24,440 I'd built a better case. 940 01:01:24,444 --> 01:01:27,651 It's just that the reality that you have a really shitty lawyer. 941 01:01:27,652 --> 01:01:28,985 Hey, come on. 942 01:01:28,987 --> 01:01:31,323 No one is blaming you, at least you did everything you could. 943 01:01:31,926 --> 01:01:33,996 I'm just sitting here and ... 944 01:01:34,667 --> 01:01:37,872 - I can not believe it's official. - So what are we gonna do know? 945 01:01:38,141 --> 01:01:40,878 I mean We can't just take this and lie down. We gotta do something. 946 01:01:41,681 --> 01:01:44,551 You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan. 947 01:01:45,022 --> 01:01:48,896 - Who is that? - He's the top civil rights attorney in America. 948 01:01:48,898 --> 01:01:51,436 Wait, Isn't he the one that got that female midget into the marines? 949 01:01:51,437 --> 01:01:53,641 Yes, that had a sad ending though. 950 01:01:53,642 --> 01:01:55,178 You remember she was in a veteran state parade 951 01:01:55,180 --> 01:01:57,902 when someone handed her a bunch of ballons, pffft gone. 952 01:01:58,118 --> 01:02:02,192 - That's very sad, very sad for the family. - If anyone can get this verdict overturned it's him. 953 01:02:02,194 --> 01:02:06,266 He's not cheap but we have become such a high profile case I feel like 954 01:02:06,267 --> 01:02:10,076 he might take the case pro bono. 955 01:02:12,690 --> 01:02:13,817 He's a sucker for media. 956 01:02:13,819 --> 01:02:17,623 - Hey Johnny, how about a beer? - Yeah, it's a good idea. 957 01:02:18,096 --> 01:02:20,968 Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson. 958 01:02:20,969 --> 01:02:24,240 I defended Ted Clubberlang in Ted vs Massachusetts. 959 01:02:26,313 --> 01:02:30,053 Hi, Mr. Meighan, thank you so much for taking my call. 960 01:02:31,792 --> 01:02:34,728 Oh, you have been following the case? That's great. 961 01:02:35,734 --> 01:02:37,803 Yes, that's actually why I'm calling. 962 01:02:37,806 --> 01:02:43,616 Yeah, I was wondering if maybe you could consider helping us try to overturn the verdict. 963 01:02:45,758 --> 01:02:48,095 Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation 964 01:02:48,628 --> 01:02:51,767 because we're really not working with much money, 965 01:02:52,170 --> 01:02:54,774 but I think you will be impressed with my client. 966 01:02:55,109 --> 01:02:57,379 - Aha mother fucker! - Sure! 967 01:02:57,518 --> 01:03:00,656 Yeah, great. Okay, thank you so much. 968 01:03:00,790 --> 01:03:03,863 Okay, I'll see you then. Bye. 969 01:03:03,865 --> 01:03:08,207 Oh my God. He said he'll meet with us on friday at 9:am at his office in New York. 970 01:03:08,274 --> 01:03:11,745 - Is he gonna take the case? - I don't wanna jinx it but I think so. 971 01:03:11,746 --> 01:03:13,749 Oh my God, did you hear that Johny? 972 01:03:13,751 --> 01:03:17,090 - I still get a shot! - Oh my God, we gotta celebrate! 973 01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:19,497 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Let's go down to the IMOROV 974 01:03:19,498 --> 01:03:21,635 - And yell out suggestions? - Fuck yeah! 975 01:03:21,837 --> 01:03:23,973 So first we need a historical event. 976 01:03:23,974 --> 01:03:25,977 - Who's got an event? - 9/11! 977 01:03:26,113 --> 01:03:30,388 Okay, okay..maybe something else. Let's start with a person. 978 01:03:30,389 --> 01:03:33,327 - Robbie Williams! - Okay, alright, for real guys. 979 01:03:33,395 --> 01:03:37,002 - Seriously, who's got a person? - Robbie Williams or 9/11 980 01:03:37,004 --> 01:03:41,077 Alright we heard from these guys. Lets give someone over her a chance. 981 01:03:41,547 --> 01:03:43,417 How about a location? Come up with a location. 982 01:03:43,419 --> 01:03:46,689 - The offices of charlie hebdo - Seriously sir, I just need a location. 983 01:03:46,691 --> 01:03:49,895 Ferguson in Missouri. 984 01:03:49,899 --> 01:03:53,170 - Germanwings cocktail. - Okay, I heard Starbucks! 985 01:03:53,172 --> 01:03:55,108 - No you did not. - Nobody said Starbucks! 986 01:03:55,110 --> 01:03:59,451 - Who is in the Starbucks? - Bill Cosby! 987 01:03:59,519 --> 01:04:01,454 You people are monsters! 988 01:04:01,791 --> 01:04:04,328 We are giving you the tools buddy. Make some fucking comedy. 989 01:04:15,421 --> 01:04:17,489 Allright, we'll be back tomorrow afternoon. 990 01:04:17,625 --> 01:04:19,294 I love you so much Teddy. 991 01:04:19,697 --> 01:04:23,234 You go kick some ass, because I am not taking off this wedding ring. 992 01:04:23,506 --> 01:04:26,378 I love you too baby, I'll see you soon. 993 01:05:21,368 --> 01:05:24,306 Hey Sam why do you have a Clumber bag that says Arizona state? 994 01:05:24,308 --> 01:05:27,644 - Because that's where I went to school. - You went to Arizona state? 995 01:05:27,914 --> 01:05:31,253 - Yeah, why? - Oh man, that's why we lost the case. 996 01:05:31,255 --> 01:05:32,523 - I know. - You're dicks. 997 01:05:32,524 --> 01:05:35,863 Arizona state. How many times have you been fucked on a house ball? 998 01:05:38,404 --> 01:05:40,139 - Oh, come on! - Did you write your dissertation about 999 01:05:40,142 --> 01:05:42,044 the collective work of Red Bull? 1000 01:05:43,016 --> 01:05:46,285 - Yes, I did, I got an A. - So you say Arizona State University 1001 01:05:46,287 --> 01:05:49,361 or do you just say HPPU? 1002 01:05:53,773 --> 01:05:56,710 This is perfect. We're gonna get to the city before 10. 1003 01:05:56,712 --> 01:06:00,118 - Hey Sam, how's your boring salad? - Oh, it's actually delicious. 1004 01:06:00,253 --> 01:06:03,658 Everybody always say that about their salads, all a bunch of fucking liers. 1005 01:06:03,660 --> 01:06:06,599 - No, I loveit, it's really good. - Have some cookie crisps. 1006 01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:09,471 - You need something nutritional. - Why do you think I want your cookie crisp? 1007 01:06:09,473 --> 01:06:11,409 - Because you've been staring at it for a while. - No! 1008 01:06:11,411 --> 01:06:14,283 Hey, what's the deal here? Are you guys ever gonna make out or what? 1009 01:06:14,685 --> 01:06:17,023 - Teddy, come on dude. - No, I'm just saying. 1010 01:06:17,224 --> 01:06:22,098 You look like you're hitting it off you know. I mean, Sam, you dig him right? 1011 01:06:23,436 --> 01:06:26,375 Hey, where the hell is my coffee? I've been waiting for ten minutes! 1012 01:06:26,377 --> 01:06:28,582 I'm so sorry sir, I forget. I'll get it right away. 1013 01:06:28,583 --> 01:06:31,521 Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets, figure it out! 1014 01:06:32,257 --> 01:06:33,994 What a prick. 1015 01:06:33,995 --> 01:06:36,799 Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a cookie crisp in his ass crack. 1016 01:06:36,868 --> 01:06:39,539 Wait, let me try. I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona state. 1017 01:06:39,540 --> 01:06:42,412 Was that the mascot with a broken condom? 1018 01:06:42,413 --> 01:06:44,347 Shut up. 1019 01:06:46,823 --> 01:06:48,557 Who did that? 1020 01:06:48,559 --> 01:06:51,434 Oh, Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me. 1021 01:06:51,436 --> 01:06:55,372 - Now we are assholes for what you did. - I swear to God I'll kick your god damn ass. 1022 01:06:55,375 --> 01:06:56,975 Who was it? 1023 01:06:56,977 --> 01:06:59,047 Um sir, I apologize for my 5 year old son. 1024 01:06:59,050 --> 01:07:04,326 I'm sorry for the cookie crisp in your bum bum. 1025 01:07:04,663 --> 01:07:08,335 Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay. 1026 01:07:08,472 --> 01:07:10,875 Oh my god, now we're even bigger assholes. 1027 01:07:10,876 --> 01:07:12,679 Go get my cookie crisp out of his ass. 1028 01:07:12,681 --> 01:07:14,681 Are you guys making trouble over here? 1029 01:07:14,682 --> 01:07:16,352 No mam, we're just minding our own business. 1030 01:07:16,354 --> 01:07:18,625 Well try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah? 1031 01:07:18,626 --> 01:07:20,560 Oh, he's not my boyfriend. 1032 01:07:20,565 --> 01:07:23,035 Ah good. 1033 01:07:23,505 --> 01:07:26,073 - I would just like the check, thanks. - Of course. 1034 01:07:28,982 --> 01:07:32,923 Oh my God. Did you see that? She was totally giving you the "Fuck me" eyes. 1035 01:07:32,925 --> 01:07:35,463 - No, she wasn't. - She was giving you the "Fuck me" eyes. 1036 01:07:35,464 --> 01:07:39,739 - What are the "Fuck me" eyes? - Some women just have the "Fuck me" eyes. 1037 01:07:39,940 --> 01:07:44,347 - Do I have "Fuck me" eyes?- - No you have the "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes. 1038 01:07:44,886 --> 01:07:47,332 We'd better get going. We got two hours of driving left and I'm kinda beat. 1039 01:07:47,333 --> 01:07:49,226 Yes, we have to be well rested for tomorrow. 1040 01:07:49,228 --> 01:07:51,398 Well, I'll drive, you can take a nap. 1041 01:07:51,399 --> 01:07:54,271 - You do not have a license. - Who cares? Johnny lets me drive once in a while.. 1042 01:07:54,272 --> 01:07:57,111 Johnny lets me drive once in a while, always two-handed, I'm a fucking pro. 1043 01:07:57,112 --> 01:08:00,383 Besides, I've been kicked around alot this week 1044 01:08:00,385 --> 01:08:05,995 - I just want to feel useful, you know. - 20 minutes behind the wheel. 1045 01:09:43,547 --> 01:09:46,284 - What the fuck? - Well Sam, it's been 20 minutes, wanna take over? 1046 01:09:59,248 --> 01:10:02,920 Listen Sam, I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere. 1047 01:10:03,190 --> 01:10:06,662 No it's my fault. I should never have let you drive. 1048 01:10:07,064 --> 01:10:10,605 Yeah, well, you were wrong, you were wrong to do that. 1049 01:10:10,739 --> 01:10:13,877 But you know, that and the trial is the only things you fucked up. 1050 01:10:14,814 --> 01:10:19,758 I can't see shit in here.We have to wait til tomorrow to get the car out. 1051 01:10:19,760 --> 01:10:22,830 - Wait, are we gonna spend the night here? - Yeah, we'll be fine. 1052 01:10:22,831 --> 01:10:24,592 We just need to find some firewood. 1053 01:10:35,723 --> 01:10:37,376 What the hell? 1054 01:10:42,599 --> 01:10:44,802 Holy shit! Hey Ted! 1055 01:10:45,740 --> 01:10:47,274 You know what this is? 1056 01:10:47,275 --> 01:10:48,878 It's super lemon Haze. 1057 01:10:49,212 --> 01:10:52,613 It's a real traded shred.. it's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. 1058 01:10:53,018 --> 01:10:55,020 It's totally ptent. I only had one in my life ... 1059 01:10:55,021 --> 01:10:56,890 and it was the best I ever had. 1060 01:10:57,157 --> 01:11:00,096 What the hell is a leaf of this stuff doing in the middle of a... 1061 01:11:29,016 --> 01:11:32,419 Dear God, dear God in heaven. 1062 01:11:32,687 --> 01:11:35,223 it is so beautiful. 1063 01:11:35,493 --> 01:11:38,029 So beautiful. 1064 01:11:38,099 --> 01:11:41,802 Not enough words, no words. 1065 01:11:42,505 --> 01:11:44,774 He should've sent for me. 1066 01:11:52,323 --> 01:11:54,792 They're moving in Harrits. 1067 01:11:55,060 --> 01:11:57,863 They do move in Harrits. 1068 01:12:00,738 --> 01:12:03,808 Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip. 1069 01:12:03,809 --> 01:12:06,680 Yes, Sam, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here. 1070 01:12:07,081 --> 01:12:09,417 We want to get high too. 1071 01:12:09,486 --> 01:12:12,489 Is this hilarious? I got it at bachelorette party. 1072 01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:16,698 - It's so stupid. Here, try. - Uh no. 1073 01:12:17,034 --> 01:12:19,503 - Why? - I don't wat to put a big class cock in my mouth.. 1074 01:12:19,504 --> 01:12:22,265 Oh, you think this is big? 1075 01:12:22,843 --> 01:12:26,114 - Haha, Johnny you walked right into that one pal. - This is all I brought. 1076 01:12:26,115 --> 01:12:27,918 How about this? I'm gonna go check out the barn and see if I can find a solar can or something. 1077 01:12:27,919 --> 01:12:30,188 for us to make an actual bong. 1078 01:12:30,189 --> 01:12:32,460 - Yeah, see if you can make a non dick bong. - Yeah, that's the name of the South Korean president. 1079 01:12:37,335 --> 01:12:39,405 She get's it? 1080 01:12:39,940 --> 01:12:42,475 - What? - i'll be back 1081 01:12:43,411 --> 01:12:45,081 Sorry. 1082 01:12:45,082 --> 01:12:47,551 Do not worry. This is nice. 1083 01:12:47,552 --> 01:12:51,224 You know? I always wanted my ex-wife to get stoned with me in the woods but she never wanted to. 1084 01:12:51,227 --> 01:12:52,761 Really? Wow. 1085 01:12:52,762 --> 01:12:55,432 - That's the cornerstone of any great marriage. - I agree. 1086 01:13:00,842 --> 01:13:05,316 - So do you think this Meighan guy will help us? - I mean, honestly I don't know. 1087 01:13:07,454 --> 01:13:09,391 But we're going to the right place. 1088 01:13:10,527 --> 01:13:12,862 Listen, I just really want to thank you for all you've done 1089 01:13:12,864 --> 01:13:15,746 and all you're doing for us, I know it's not making you rich. 1090 01:13:15,935 --> 01:13:17,137 Please ... 1091 01:13:17,138 --> 01:13:19,540 there are more important things in life than money. 1092 01:13:20,745 --> 01:13:26,489 Look, I don't know what kind of mojo was in that wish when you were a child 1093 01:13:26,490 --> 01:13:28,757 but this bear is alive. 1094 01:13:29,494 --> 01:13:33,765 And it seems to me that once the law devalues that kind of life... 1095 01:13:34,169 --> 01:13:36,301 How soon before it devalues another? 1096 01:13:36,706 --> 01:13:38,909 Who get's subjugated after the bear? 1097 01:13:40,446 --> 01:13:42,848 You're really smart, you know that? 1098 01:13:43,518 --> 01:13:47,324 - How come you do not have a guy? - Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? 1099 01:13:47,525 --> 01:13:50,194 I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy whos wife beater is under that bruise jacket 1100 01:13:50,195 --> 01:13:53,200 with a shamrock tatoo on his calf? 1101 01:13:53,201 --> 01:13:54,669 Nope! 1102 01:13:54,806 --> 01:13:56,940 Yeah, that's so dumb. 1103 01:13:58,076 --> 01:14:01,082 Well, I couldn' find any cans but i gotta tell you there some awesome shit 1104 01:14:01,083 --> 01:14:04,751 in that barn. Look at this. I found a cowboy hat, a rifle and a guitar 1105 01:14:04,752 --> 01:14:06,555 Hey, be careful with that. 1106 01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:09,093 No, it's okay, is not loaded. 1107 01:14:10,031 --> 01:14:11,967 And my fucking nose came off. 1108 01:14:13,638 --> 01:14:17,443 I wonder who all this belongs to. I mean, maybe we should find someplace else. 1109 01:14:17,711 --> 01:14:19,514 We're in the middle of nowhere. 1110 01:14:19,515 --> 01:14:22,437 If we get out of here by dawn we should be fine, right? 1111 01:14:23,990 --> 01:14:27,126 - You play the guitar? - A little bit. 1112 01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:28,929 I learned when I was a kid. 1113 01:14:37,930 --> 01:14:49,930 Mean ol moon It must be fun To shine upon me As I come undone 1114 01:14:49,931 --> 01:15:00,931 Til Im all alone Beneath the sun You mean ol moon 1115 01:15:03,932 --> 01:15:13,932 With your beam You led the way And found me love I thought was 1116 01:15:13,933 --> 01:15:22,933 Hear to say .Then you went and took My love away 1117 01:15:22,934 --> 01:15:27,934 You mean ol moon 1118 01:15:27,935 --> 01:15:34,935 Oh you mean ol stars above 1119 01:15:34,936 --> 01:15:40,936 The games that you play with me 1120 01:15:42,937 --> 01:15:53,937 I could find some happiness If all of my nights were cloudy 1121 01:15:53,938 --> 01:16:00,938 Mean ol moon I hope its true 1122 01:16:01,939 --> 01:16:06,939 Youre taking all the light thats left in you 1123 01:16:06,940 --> 01:16:12,940 And saving it up for you know who 1124 01:16:13,941 --> 01:16:24,941 You mean ol moon Mean ol moon 1125 01:17:04,005 --> 01:17:06,340 You got it. Come on, put your legs into it. 1126 01:17:09,481 --> 01:17:11,217 There you go. Nice job. 1127 01:17:11,218 --> 01:17:13,286 So listen, I gotta ask. 1128 01:17:13,287 --> 01:17:16,758 Was it just kissing last night or was there finger stuff? 1129 01:17:22,836 --> 01:17:25,708 We got alot of pot in this car. I wish we could smoke it. 1130 01:17:25,709 --> 01:17:29,113 We are gonna smoke it but just put it under the seat for now. 1131 01:17:29,114 --> 01:17:30,917 - We dont wanna go to jail. - Yeah, that's a good idea. 1132 01:17:48,082 --> 01:17:50,751 - Oh what the fuck? What are you doing? - Hashtag! 1133 01:17:50,886 --> 01:17:54,757 - "My amazing summer". - God dammit, what the hell is wrong wiith you? 1134 01:17:54,758 --> 01:17:57,162 Oh I fucking own you you bastard. 1135 01:17:57,164 --> 01:17:59,701 What do you mean, I was just messing around. 1136 01:17:59,702 --> 01:18:01,704 - Shut up and suck that dick. - Fuck you! 1137 01:18:30,221 --> 01:18:34,828 - Watch where you're walking! - It's a crossroad jackass! We have right of way. 1138 01:18:34,829 --> 01:18:38,437 Hey, what the hell you do walking around just like Star Wars? 1139 01:18:38,438 --> 01:18:41,641 It's Comic Con you idiot. We're going down to the Javits center. 1140 01:18:41,642 --> 01:18:44,512 Well you are the idiots, cause you three guys would never walk together. 1141 01:18:44,513 --> 01:18:47,450 Yeah, you're his boss and you two are enemies! 1142 01:18:47,451 --> 01:18:50,722 - Yes, bite me captain Kirk! - Come on, that's Star Trek. 1143 01:18:50,790 --> 01:18:53,862 - Yes. are 2 different franchises. - Sorry guys, she doesn't know. 1144 01:18:53,864 --> 01:18:56,345 No it's okey. Im sorry you have to deal with that. 1145 01:19:00,075 --> 01:19:03,311 Hey come on, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. 1146 01:19:21,512 --> 01:19:24,194 Patrick Meighan, got a classy set up huh? 1147 01:19:30,128 --> 01:19:32,797 And there is our first impression. 1148 01:19:33,133 --> 01:19:35,535 Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now. 1149 01:19:35,536 --> 01:19:37,538 Oh okay, thank you. 1150 01:19:43,685 --> 01:19:48,357 - Ms Jackson, do come in. - - Mr Meighan, this is such an honor. 1151 01:19:48,360 --> 01:19:50,295 Thank you so much for meeting with us. 1152 01:19:50,296 --> 01:19:52,498 Not at all, it's my pleasure. Please, sit down. 1153 01:19:52,701 --> 01:19:56,172 Hey, this office is fucking awesome. Yeah, totally. 1154 01:19:56,173 --> 01:19:58,575 Hey, do you ever bring chicks up here? 1155 01:19:59,178 --> 01:20:04,253 - What do you think? - I think I want to sleep in a bed made of your voice. 1156 01:20:05,389 --> 01:20:09,728 I'll get right down to it. I don't want to waste to much of your time. 1157 01:20:10,599 --> 01:20:13,668 Ted, I've been reviewing your file. 1158 01:20:13,737 --> 01:20:17,209 And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, I'm sorry to say 1159 01:20:17,544 --> 01:20:21,483 - I won't be taking your case. - What? Why? 1160 01:20:21,484 --> 01:20:23,619 Well, it comes down to this. 1161 01:20:25,558 --> 01:20:28,494 You want to be human in the eyes of the law. 1162 01:20:28,764 --> 01:20:31,366 That's a hard sell, even for me. 1163 01:20:31,636 --> 01:20:36,577 You see, the important thing about being human is making a contribution to society. 1164 01:20:36,645 --> 01:20:39,315 Assisting in the bettering of your race. 1165 01:20:39,382 --> 01:20:41,183 You've done none of that. 1166 01:20:41,386 --> 01:20:46,100 I read about your life, the drugs, the parties, the prostitues, the arrests. 1167 01:20:46,101 --> 01:20:50,934 Mr. Meighan, we have come a long way to meet you because you said you could help us. 1168 01:20:50,936 --> 01:20:53,539 I said I would consider it. 1169 01:20:53,540 --> 01:20:55,009 And I have. 1170 01:20:56,280 --> 01:21:00,953 Ted, you're special. You could've been an inspiration to the world. 1171 01:21:01,622 --> 01:21:03,888 You could've been a leader, a role model. 1172 01:21:04,627 --> 01:21:06,294 Instead you're.... 1173 01:21:07,233 --> 01:21:08,834 Justin Bieber. 1174 01:21:08,835 --> 01:21:10,236 Fuck you! 1175 01:21:10,237 --> 01:21:11,172 - Hey Ted! - Sorry. 1176 01:21:11,173 --> 01:21:12,172 He doesn't mean that. 1177 01:21:12,173 --> 01:21:13,841 Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.. 1178 01:21:13,843 --> 01:21:17,982 There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you. 1179 01:21:17,984 --> 01:21:20,252 Well that's not true, he had a positive effect on me. 1180 01:21:20,988 --> 01:21:26,129 Would that positive effect be your joint arrest for purchasing marijuana in 2003? 1181 01:21:26,130 --> 01:21:28,851 Well how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighter concert? 1182 01:21:30,939 --> 01:21:33,341 Do you know why you lost this case? 1183 01:21:34,346 --> 01:21:36,547 It can't be arguing with reason. 1184 01:21:36,816 --> 01:21:39,688 What the president says affect the public directly. 1185 01:21:40,155 --> 01:21:43,492 And unfortunately the public doesn't judge by reason. 1186 01:21:43,493 --> 01:21:45,897 They judge by emotion. 1187 01:21:46,969 --> 01:21:49,304 And you can not appeal any emotional conviction. 1188 01:21:50,373 --> 01:21:54,010 Nonetheless I wish you all the best in your efforts. 1189 01:21:56,115 --> 01:21:59,137 He needs help, and from what I know about you, 1190 01:21:59,138 --> 01:22:02,158 at one point in your career that would have been enough. 1191 01:22:02,997 --> 01:22:06,534 I'm sorry you're not who I'd hope you'd be. 1192 01:22:15,151 --> 01:22:17,353 Are those supposed to just be take. 1193 01:22:19,024 --> 01:22:21,093 Those arn't supposed to be out. 1194 01:22:32,382 --> 01:22:34,850 So that is, I'm property. 1195 01:22:35,252 --> 01:22:37,522 No rights, no nothing. 1196 01:22:37,857 --> 01:22:40,592 Ted dude, I'm so sorry,man. this completely sucks. 1197 01:22:41,062 --> 01:22:45,067 It feels terrible. I let you guys down all over again. 1198 01:22:45,139 --> 01:22:48,340 Hey, you didn't let us down Sam, you did your best. 1199 01:22:49,680 --> 01:22:54,016 And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that happened to me in a long time. 1200 01:23:00,431 --> 01:23:02,300 Oh! That's great, that's fucking great! I'm glad you guys are so happy. 1201 01:23:02,301 --> 01:23:04,502 What? 1202 01:23:04,570 --> 01:23:09,111 What do you mean what? I'm totally screwed here. 1203 01:23:09,112 --> 01:23:11,115 And you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer and she is probably still fucking billing us. 1204 01:23:11,315 --> 01:23:14,723 - Well don't yell at us, we didn't do anything! - Yeah, exactly, exactly ... 1205 01:23:14,724 --> 01:23:17,660 Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other 1206 01:23:17,661 --> 01:23:20,933 Sam could've won this thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing. 1207 01:23:20,934 --> 01:23:23,201 Like garbage or a piece of shit. 1208 01:23:23,203 --> 01:23:25,874 Hey, we've been fighting alongside you the whole way. 1209 01:23:26,008 --> 01:23:30,014 And remember, you were the one pushing me to get back up on the horse, 1210 01:23:30,015 --> 01:23:32,486 - and when I finally meet someone you're giving me shit? - No, you're right, okay, it's totally fine. 1211 01:23:32,487 --> 01:23:35,424 I have no job, no marriage and no life. 1212 01:23:35,425 --> 01:23:38,629 But you have fun porking Golum while I l'm left with shit. 1213 01:23:38,830 --> 01:23:41,032 - Ted! - Who's Gollum? 1214 01:23:41,236 --> 01:23:43,305 She's a model. Ted, come back! 1215 01:23:43,373 --> 01:23:45,174 - Leave me alone! - Ted! 1216 01:23:49,719 --> 01:23:51,251 Shit. 1217 01:24:03,542 --> 01:24:05,410 Woah, sorry bro. 1218 01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,744 Hey Ted! 1219 01:24:45,348 --> 01:24:46,482 Guy? 1220 01:24:46,483 --> 01:24:48,087 I thought that was you. What happened man? 1221 01:24:48,088 --> 01:24:50,221 Hey Rick? It is Ted. 1222 01:24:50,290 --> 01:24:52,291 - Hey, how you doing? - Hey, what's going on? 1223 01:24:52,360 --> 01:24:53,762 What are you doing here? 1224 01:24:54,030 --> 01:24:58,503 You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here? 1225 01:24:58,838 --> 01:25:00,974 Well, you know, Rick and I kinda came here as a gag. 1226 01:25:00,975 --> 01:25:04,113 Shut Up! Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. 1227 01:25:04,114 --> 01:25:08,220 Hey, Staiss, why don't you go bring me some big lichu, how about that? 1228 01:25:13,598 --> 01:25:15,867 Well, good luck with your dick there. 1229 01:25:15,935 --> 01:25:17,937 Right on, you too man. 1230 01:25:18,140 --> 01:25:20,274 God dammit! That underwear had shit on it! 1231 01:25:25,486 --> 01:25:28,555 - Hey. Are you Ted? - Uh, yeah. 1232 01:25:31,561 --> 01:25:35,601 This is so exciting! I was such a big fan of yours in the early nineties. 1233 01:25:36,306 --> 01:25:37,908 Oh, well, thanks alot. 1234 01:25:37,909 --> 01:25:40,176 - What's your name? - I'm Rafael. 1235 01:25:40,179 --> 01:25:42,380 Do you think that I can take a picture with you? 1236 01:25:42,649 --> 01:25:44,251 Yeah, yeah, no problem. 1237 01:25:44,252 --> 01:25:46,119 Great, great, follow me. 1238 01:25:47,992 --> 01:25:49,860 Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here? 1239 01:25:49,861 --> 01:25:53,334 Well you're a celebrity, I dont want you to get mobbed when people recognize you. 1240 01:25:53,335 --> 01:25:56,338 Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an E-walk three times today. 1241 01:25:56,339 --> 01:25:57,807 Alright, let's do this. 1242 01:26:01,882 --> 01:26:04,420 Holy shit! Donny! 1243 01:26:04,421 --> 01:26:06,556 It's so good to see you Ted. 1244 01:26:07,292 --> 01:26:08,960 It's been some time, hasn't it? 1245 01:26:08,961 --> 01:26:11,164 Os since you ripped me in half? 1246 01:26:12,301 --> 01:26:15,369 That was not supposed to happen. That was was an accident. 1247 01:26:16,575 --> 01:26:18,844 I have some big plans for you, Ted. 1248 01:26:19,445 --> 01:26:20,982 Very big plans. 1249 01:26:21,449 --> 01:26:23,119 I need you to come with me now. 1250 01:26:23,120 --> 01:26:24,587 Go to hell! 1251 01:26:37,210 --> 01:26:39,146 Nice lunch shit-ass! 1252 01:26:48,965 --> 01:26:50,766 Hey, what the hell? 1253 01:26:55,041 --> 01:26:58,115 He could be anywhere, we're not gonna find him. We should just wait by the car. 1254 01:26:58,116 --> 01:26:59,572 What do you mean? We have to find him okay? 1255 01:26:59,708 --> 01:27:01,708 He's a teddy bear on his own in New York for Gods sake. 1256 01:27:05,930 --> 01:27:08,399 - Hello? - Hey Johnny, It's me, you gotta help me. 1257 01:27:08,400 --> 01:27:10,936 Ted where are you? We've been looking everywhere for you. 1258 01:27:10,937 --> 01:27:13,740 I'm at Comic Con,but John, it's Donny. 1259 01:27:13,741 --> 01:27:16,280 He's here. You gotta get over here. 1260 01:27:16,281 --> 01:27:18,015 What the fuck, did you just say Donny? 1261 01:27:18,016 --> 01:27:20,852 - John, what's going on? - Yes, it's him. 1262 01:27:22,558 --> 01:27:26,459 Oh shit! 1263 01:27:27,133 --> 01:27:28,234 Ted? 1264 01:27:28,235 --> 01:27:29,902 - Ted, hello? - What's the matter? 1265 01:27:29,903 --> 01:27:32,585 Oh my God, deja vu. We gotta get to Comic Con, come one. 1266 01:27:37,450 --> 01:27:38,986 Get out of the way! 1267 01:27:50,673 --> 01:27:52,342 You know... 1268 01:27:53,278 --> 01:27:55,414 I really love Neil Diamond. 1269 01:27:55,951 --> 01:28:00,355 Especially that song that they're singing at the red sox game. 1270 01:28:02,562 --> 01:28:04,697 This is so infectious. 1271 01:28:05,164 --> 01:28:07,435 You just can't help but sing along. 1272 01:28:28,541 --> 01:28:32,375 Fuck! 1273 01:28:36,088 --> 01:28:38,023 Hey! What are you doing to that bear? 1274 01:28:38,024 --> 01:28:40,960 - I'm sorry, I ... - You better be planning on buying that! 1275 01:28:41,830 --> 01:28:44,101 It just reminds me of when I was a kid. 1276 01:28:44,102 --> 01:28:46,304 Yes, that's great. Thats $40. 1277 01:28:48,978 --> 01:28:52,879 $40, here. 1278 01:28:59,661 --> 01:29:01,130 Do you see him anywhere? 1279 01:29:01,131 --> 01:29:03,000 No, let's try in there. 1280 01:29:06,340 --> 01:29:08,408 Have anyone of you seen a talking teddy bear? 1281 01:29:08,409 --> 01:29:10,545 They're about to announce the new Superman. 1282 01:29:10,747 --> 01:29:13,084 The new Superman is ... 1283 01:29:13,418 --> 01:29:14,886 Jonah Hill! 1284 01:29:14,956 --> 01:29:17,224 - Fuck! - Who's Superman? 1285 01:29:17,225 --> 01:29:19,546 - What? - I 'm just kidding, I'm fucking with you. 1286 01:29:20,831 --> 01:29:25,972 And if that's not big enough news, Hasbro will be unveiling a brand new line 1287 01:29:26,041 --> 01:29:27,844 of Transformers merchandise next fall. 1288 01:29:30,649 --> 01:29:34,255 We have a brand new line of Decepticons, that is gonna be 1289 01:29:34,256 --> 01:29:36,393 - Hey fresh cake! - Fresh cakes. 1290 01:29:37,527 --> 01:29:39,398 Fresh cakes ... 1291 01:29:41,067 --> 01:29:46,408 Comic Con fans, lets take a look at this thrilling sizzling trailer with all our exciting new toys 1292 01:29:46,409 --> 01:29:47,879 Take a look. 1293 01:29:53,822 --> 01:29:56,159 Come on, there's an empty supply room down the stairs. 1294 01:29:56,227 --> 01:29:57,630 Is that him? 1295 01:29:57,630 --> 01:30:00,831 Yes, there was an issue so he's unconscious now but yeah, this is him. 1296 01:30:01,103 --> 01:30:02,837 Why did you bring him here? 1297 01:30:03,508 --> 01:30:07,380 Well I've been following him around since yesterday, this was the only chance I could get him alone. 1298 01:30:07,381 --> 01:30:08,980 I had to move fast. 1299 01:30:09,117 --> 01:30:10,650 Hey Ted! 1300 01:30:11,655 --> 01:30:13,189 Is that you? 1301 01:30:13,325 --> 01:30:18,451 Yeah, he had a little too much to drink, he puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in the stroller.. 1302 01:30:18,867 --> 01:30:20,802 so we're gonna take him back to sober him up. 1303 01:30:21,004 --> 01:30:23,408 - Ah, rock on Ted! - FIA! 1304 01:30:23,543 --> 01:30:27,615 Be careful out there, some nerd spilled his lunch. 1305 01:30:28,017 --> 01:30:30,020 Hey dont walk forward so fast man. 1306 01:30:36,766 --> 01:30:38,368 Hey Johnny. 1307 01:30:38,369 --> 01:30:39,370 Guy? 1308 01:30:39,371 --> 01:30:41,440 It's a God damn party here today. 1309 01:30:41,774 --> 01:30:43,843 I remember you from the wedding. 1310 01:30:43,844 --> 01:30:45,247 Did you do a nose job? 1311 01:30:45,248 --> 01:30:47,985 - No. - Yes you did you fucking liar. 1312 01:30:47,985 --> 01:30:49,655 Hey, we just ran into your friend Ted. 1313 01:30:49,656 --> 01:30:50,857 Ted? Where is he? 1314 01:30:50,858 --> 01:30:53,661 Well, he got a little wasted so two dudes took him out back to sober him up. 1315 01:30:53,728 --> 01:30:56,932 - Did you see which way they went? - Yeah back hallway past the foods! 1316 01:30:56,933 --> 01:30:58,936 Come On! 1317 01:30:58,937 --> 01:31:00,539 hysterical? 1318 01:31:01,543 --> 01:31:03,277 I fucking love this place. 1319 01:31:12,027 --> 01:31:13,361 What the fuck? 1320 01:31:13,362 --> 01:31:15,098 What the fuck is going on here? 1321 01:31:15,100 --> 01:31:16,501 Who the hell are you? 1322 01:31:16,502 --> 01:31:18,772 He really is extraordinary, isn't he? 1323 01:31:19,173 --> 01:31:21,014 You son of a bitch, this is a kidnapping! 1324 01:31:21,111 --> 01:31:22,646 No it's not. 1325 01:31:23,182 --> 01:31:25,384 Kidnapping only applies to people, 1326 01:31:25,585 --> 01:31:27,721 and you Ted, you're property. 1327 01:31:27,723 --> 01:31:29,656 Yeah, and so is that fucking hair piece. 1328 01:31:33,200 --> 01:31:34,799 What do you say? Happy face. 1329 01:31:34,869 --> 01:31:36,935 Right there, Death to Ming! yeah! 1330 01:31:37,806 --> 01:31:39,675 Come on,happy guy! 1331 01:31:39,945 --> 01:31:42,546 Right there, yeah good. 1332 01:31:45,086 --> 01:31:46,820 Hey Bennet! 1333 01:31:47,758 --> 01:31:49,224 Oh shit! 1334 01:31:49,225 --> 01:31:52,030 You messed up my car, what the hell is wrong with you? 1335 01:31:52,165 --> 01:31:54,702 Sam this is really a bad time, right, something happened to Ted. 1336 01:31:54,703 --> 01:31:57,741 Oh, but it's a good time for you to vandalize my chrysler though. 1337 01:31:58,108 --> 01:32:00,179 Fuck your chrysler! 1338 01:32:09,797 --> 01:32:12,465 Holy shit! Donnie you do not want to do this! 1339 01:32:13,336 --> 01:32:15,206 You think about what happened to Frinway. 1340 01:32:15,274 --> 01:32:17,409 Remember? You cut me open and that's it. 1341 01:32:17,478 --> 01:32:19,278 I'm gone, dead. 1342 01:32:19,279 --> 01:32:22,483 Just a regular old teddy bear. I won't be any fun then, will I? 1343 01:32:23,153 --> 01:32:25,422 This isn't about you Ted. 1344 01:32:25,423 --> 01:32:27,158 You're only one bear. 1345 01:32:27,294 --> 01:32:30,499 We-re gonna figure out what makes you real and then we're gonna make millions of Teds. 1346 01:32:30,631 --> 01:32:32,701 One for every child in the world. 1347 01:32:33,106 --> 01:32:36,574 And one for me. 1348 01:32:36,575 --> 01:32:39,513 One that loves me just as much as you love John. 1349 01:32:39,715 --> 01:32:41,851 Look, Donny, I could never love you. 1350 01:32:42,384 --> 01:32:45,055 Oh God that sounds fucked up. Listen, I don't wanna die. 1351 01:32:45,391 --> 01:32:46,860 Okay, so... 1352 01:32:46,861 --> 01:32:50,866 What if I gave you a handjob outside your pants while you're eating an ice cream? 1353 01:32:53,472 --> 01:32:55,273 I'll give you a minute. 1354 01:33:36,148 --> 01:33:37,948 Hey, check it out, nerd fight. 1355 01:34:06,066 --> 01:34:07,935 I'll see you in heaven, Ted. 1356 01:34:15,148 --> 01:34:17,019 - Ted! - Johnny! 1357 01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:18,823 Who the hell are you? 1358 01:34:19,024 --> 01:34:20,558 Get away from him you bastard! 1359 01:34:20,826 --> 01:34:22,961 - Ted are ou okay buddy? - Johnny thank God. 1360 01:34:22,962 --> 01:34:24,565 I'm out. 1361 01:34:24,633 --> 01:34:26,436 Please mr Jessup, don't go. We can still do this. 1362 01:34:26,437 --> 01:34:29,172 You're on your own Danny. I can't be implicated in any of this. 1363 01:34:29,174 --> 01:34:30,577 Wait, who are you? 1364 01:34:30,578 --> 01:34:32,446 I am working for Mattel. 1365 01:34:34,116 --> 01:34:35,719 You piece of shit! 1366 01:34:35,720 --> 01:34:37,855 Killing my family pup wasn't enough for you huh? 1367 01:34:37,856 --> 01:34:39,856 What are you gonna do now? 1368 01:34:39,925 --> 01:34:42,195 You don't deserve him Johnny, you never did. 1369 01:34:42,196 --> 01:34:45,267 - You never did! - I've waited to do this for a long time. 1370 01:34:47,874 --> 01:34:49,842 Aha, I fucking knew it! 1371 01:34:50,144 --> 01:34:51,746 Come on. 1372 01:35:03,234 --> 01:35:04,637 Listen, Johnny. 1373 01:35:04,638 --> 01:35:06,440 I want to tell you how sorry I am. 1374 01:35:06,441 --> 01:35:10,446 No, forget about it. Look, you were upset Teddy, I shouldn't have brushed it off. I'm so sorry. 1375 01:35:10,447 --> 01:35:12,383 No, no, listen to me. 1376 01:35:12,384 --> 01:35:14,120 You too Sam. 1377 01:35:14,121 --> 01:35:16,054 I acted like an asshole. 1378 01:35:16,190 --> 01:35:20,396 Alright? I was just hurting cause I knew I'd lost. 1379 01:35:20,998 --> 01:35:25,104 And that in the eyes of the world I will always be property. 1380 01:35:25,272 --> 01:35:27,209 But you know what? Who gives a shit? 1381 01:35:27,210 --> 01:35:31,147 It doesn't matter what the world calls me. I know who I am. 1382 01:35:31,417 --> 01:35:35,788 And that's all that's important, and I know who my friends are. 1383 01:35:35,892 --> 01:35:39,028 And honest to God, if you two want to be together 1384 01:35:39,029 --> 01:35:42,502 - Nothing would make me happier. - Oh, buddy I love you for that. 1385 01:35:42,503 --> 01:35:45,106 Thanks Ted, it means a lot. 1386 01:35:46,711 --> 01:35:50,582 And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned 1387 01:35:50,717 --> 01:35:54,456 You're a person as much as anybody else I've ever known. 1388 01:35:54,590 --> 01:35:59,696 Oh Sam, that means the world comming from someone who went to Arizona state. 1389 01:36:25,978 --> 01:36:27,582 Holy shit, Johnny! 1390 01:36:27,648 --> 01:36:28,918 Oh my God, John! 1391 01:36:28,919 --> 01:36:30,052 - Johnny? - John? 1392 01:36:30,053 --> 01:36:31,255 - Oh Jesus. - Are you okay? 1393 01:36:31,256 --> 01:36:32,989 Are you alright? 1394 01:36:33,193 --> 01:36:34,793 John, hey. 1395 01:36:35,196 --> 01:36:37,398 - What happened here? - The rocket ship just hit him. 1396 01:36:37,399 --> 01:36:39,903 Jesus Christ, it's a starship Enterprise. Forget it. 1397 01:36:39,904 --> 01:36:41,806 Somebody call 911. 1398 01:36:41,807 --> 01:36:43,810 Johnny, come one, stay with me pal. 1399 01:36:43,811 --> 01:36:46,080 We need an ambulance at, 655 West 34. 1400 01:36:46,081 --> 01:36:48,283 - How the hell did it fall? - I do not know! 1401 01:36:51,358 --> 01:36:52,626 It was him! 1402 01:36:52,627 --> 01:36:54,629 The guy that's dressed as a ninja turtle. 1403 01:36:59,106 --> 01:37:00,773 Which one? 1404 01:37:00,774 --> 01:37:03,979 Alright, two can play this Where's Aldo shit you son of a bitch. 1405 01:37:03,980 --> 01:37:05,648 Sam, give me your phone. 1406 01:37:25,418 --> 01:37:29,319 That's him. 1407 01:37:32,229 --> 01:37:33,764 Get off me! 1408 01:37:35,702 --> 01:37:38,773 Johnny? Johnny? Come on. 1409 01:37:39,108 --> 01:37:40,843 Johnny, you gotta wake up pal. 1410 01:37:41,445 --> 01:37:43,179 Johnny, wake up! 1411 01:37:43,248 --> 01:37:44,984 Wake up, Johnny. 1412 01:37:47,056 --> 01:37:51,328 Johnny, wake up! 1413 01:38:37,144 --> 01:38:39,880 How is he? Is he gonna come out of it? 1414 01:38:40,215 --> 01:38:43,252 I don't know, miss Jackson, we've done everything we can. 1415 01:38:43,353 --> 01:38:45,223 It's all up to him now. 1416 01:38:55,511 --> 01:38:58,646 John, please wake up. 1417 01:39:07,866 --> 01:39:09,533 - Somebody help! - Oh my God, John! 1418 01:39:11,002 --> 01:39:12,443 Hello? There's something happening. 1419 01:39:12,940 --> 01:39:14,207 Mr Bennet? 1420 01:39:14,208 --> 01:39:16,277 - Something is wrong. - Whats going on? What's happening to him? 1421 01:39:16,278 --> 01:39:18,014 Mr Bennet? John? 1422 01:39:18,416 --> 01:39:20,484 We have a code blue in room 134! 1423 01:39:20,486 --> 01:39:22,288 - What does that mean? - I'm sorry, you have to wait outside. 1424 01:39:22,289 --> 01:39:23,691 - What's going on? - Is he gonna be okay? 1425 01:39:23,692 --> 01:39:26,696 The doctors will do everything they can but I need you to go to the waiting area now. 1426 01:39:26,697 --> 01:39:28,232 Excuse me. 1427 01:39:28,233 --> 01:39:31,638 - What the status? - He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive. 1428 01:39:31,706 --> 01:39:33,574 the monitor said instantly that he He's not breathing and got no pulse. 1429 01:39:33,575 --> 01:39:36,856 Start compressions, prepare to intubate, give him a milligram of Epinephrine. 1430 01:40:06,367 --> 01:40:07,902 I'm sorry. 1431 01:40:08,971 --> 01:40:10,908 He didn't make it. 1432 01:40:12,512 --> 01:40:13,978 What? 1433 01:40:14,381 --> 01:40:16,116 What? 1434 01:40:16,852 --> 01:40:18,520 It's Johnny? 1435 01:40:18,923 --> 01:40:22,059 If you'd like you can go in and say you're goodbyes. 1436 01:41:02,464 --> 01:41:04,000 Johnny? 1437 01:41:06,138 --> 01:41:08,208 You're my thunder buddy. 1438 01:41:10,414 --> 01:41:12,881 My thunder buddy for life. 1439 01:41:15,290 --> 01:41:18,759 And you gave up your own life to save mine. 1440 01:41:22,168 --> 01:41:24,236 And I promise, 1441 01:41:26,175 --> 01:41:29,780 I don't know how my life works without you. 1442 01:41:33,854 --> 01:41:35,854 Goodbye John.. 1443 01:41:38,396 --> 01:41:40,062 I got you mother fucker! 1444 01:41:41,466 --> 01:41:44,837 Holy shit, it's a zombie! It's a fucking zombie! 1445 01:41:45,676 --> 01:41:47,477 I totally fucking got you! 1446 01:41:47,478 --> 01:41:50,751 - Holy shit! - You should see your fucking face! 1447 01:41:50,819 --> 01:41:53,354 - You son of a bitch! - That was fucking classic! 1448 01:41:53,355 --> 01:41:55,957 Wait, this is payback because I made you believe I was dead. 1449 01:41:56,026 --> 01:41:58,565 - You did it this time! - I did it this time! 1450 01:41:58,566 --> 01:42:00,498 Well done, well done. 1451 01:42:00,636 --> 01:42:02,503 Give me five! High five. 1452 01:42:02,504 --> 01:42:04,373 What the fuck is going on? 1453 01:42:04,441 --> 01:42:08,714 What's going on is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. 1454 01:42:08,715 --> 01:42:11,051 You are the fucking greatest man. 1455 01:42:11,787 --> 01:42:13,657 How was the doctor in on it? 1456 01:42:13,658 --> 01:42:16,060 They got me out and I was totally fine so I talked him into going along. 1457 01:42:16,061 --> 01:42:21,403 Hey doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks. No problem, we're a fun hospital. 1458 01:42:21,605 --> 01:42:24,675 You asshole! You think this shit is funny? 1459 01:42:24,809 --> 01:42:28,349 Do you know how devastated I was? I put a drowning face on facebook. 1460 01:42:28,350 --> 01:42:31,420 How am I supposed to explain that to everybody? 1461 01:42:31,421 --> 01:42:35,193 Well you could change your relationship status from single to it's complicated. 1462 01:42:35,896 --> 01:42:38,298 You're gonna have to do alot better than that! 1463 01:42:40,906 --> 01:42:43,507 Well...you're in a relationship with John Bennet. 1464 01:42:43,577 --> 01:42:47,848 Well....we'll have to talk about that. 1465 01:42:59,072 --> 01:43:01,874 Hey, if you two want to bang, me and Ted can totally leave the room. 1466 01:43:01,875 --> 01:43:04,745 No, honey,they're classy, they're not like us. 1467 01:43:05,080 --> 01:43:06,483 they're good people 1468 01:43:06,484 --> 01:43:09,419 I'm happy to see everyone made a full recovery.. 1469 01:43:09,623 --> 01:43:10,824 - Mr Meighan? - What the hell? 1470 01:43:10,825 --> 01:43:12,026 Holy shit. 1471 01:43:12,027 --> 01:43:13,696 Is it alright if I come in? 1472 01:43:13,697 --> 01:43:15,497 Sure, yeah. 1473 01:43:15,968 --> 01:43:17,701 How are you feeling, John? 1474 01:43:17,770 --> 01:43:19,371 I am alive. 1475 01:43:19,706 --> 01:43:23,210 You are very lucky. I saw what you did on TV. 1476 01:43:23,245 --> 01:43:25,648 Yes, he saved my ass is what he did. 1477 01:43:25,650 --> 01:43:27,118 You know why? 1478 01:43:27,185 --> 01:43:31,326 Because he's a person. And no matter how many smartass lawyers they hire to keep him down 1479 01:43:31,727 --> 01:43:33,930 they're not gonna change that, not in our eyes. 1480 01:43:34,399 --> 01:43:37,269 Ted is real, and you can go fuck yourself. 1481 01:43:38,272 --> 01:43:39,807 I will. 1482 01:43:40,343 --> 01:43:45,284 And as soon as I'm done fucking myself I'd like to take your case Ted. 1483 01:43:45,686 --> 01:43:46,888 - What? - Seriously? 1484 01:43:46,889 --> 01:43:48,490 - Oh my God! - You hear that? 1485 01:43:51,163 --> 01:43:52,897 Well maybe we don't want you now. 1486 01:43:52,898 --> 01:43:55,436 - Shut up! - No, no, we want you, for sure we want you. 1487 01:43:55,437 --> 01:43:57,305 What made you change your mind? 1488 01:43:57,305 --> 01:43:59,842 Well, when I saw what John did for you. 1489 01:44:00,312 --> 01:44:03,115 And he was willing to give his life for yours. 1490 01:44:03,316 --> 01:44:05,252 He gave me a kick in the ass. 1491 01:44:05,453 --> 01:44:08,859 It reminded me of why I chose to do what I do. 1492 01:44:09,861 --> 01:44:13,400 I'm sorry I turned you away. I was wrong. 1493 01:44:14,269 --> 01:44:18,074 As far as I'm concerned, anyone who can inspire 1494 01:44:18,277 --> 01:44:21,881 that kind of love in another person deserves to be called a human. 1495 01:44:23,219 --> 01:44:24,621 You mean it? 1496 01:44:24,622 --> 01:44:29,293 I certainly do. So, shall we get started? 1497 01:44:40,182 --> 01:44:42,719 What defines a person? 1498 01:44:44,257 --> 01:44:46,457 What defines property? 1499 01:44:47,194 --> 01:44:48,795 What's the difference? 1500 01:44:50,466 --> 01:44:54,806 The anthropologist and epitist Dawn Prince Hughes argues that 1501 01:44:55,142 --> 01:44:57,943 the fundic for personhood includes self awareness, 1502 01:44:59,017 --> 01:45:04,120 an ability to understand complex emotions, 1503 01:45:04,424 --> 01:45:07,162 and the capacity for empathy. 1504 01:45:08,832 --> 01:45:13,773 And we are all in agreement that Ted is self aware. 1505 01:45:16,445 --> 01:45:19,315 - What is your name? - Ted Clubberlang. 1506 01:45:24,392 --> 01:45:27,714 As for the complex emotions and the capacity for empathy, 1507 01:45:28,400 --> 01:45:33,673 we all saw the distressing images of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend 1508 01:45:33,675 --> 01:45:35,345 John Bennet. 1509 01:45:35,346 --> 01:45:42,053 In those images, Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood. 1510 01:45:44,227 --> 01:45:46,697 It's right there for anyone to see. 1511 01:45:47,900 --> 01:45:52,373 And I believe that a just court must by definition grant basic human rights 1512 01:45:53,243 --> 01:45:57,214 to all those who deserve them. 1513 01:45:58,185 --> 01:46:03,593 Just as the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th amendment did so many years ago. 1514 01:46:07,202 --> 01:46:10,472 So ladies and gentlemen of the court. 1515 01:46:12,209 --> 01:46:14,477 I invite you 1516 01:46:15,549 --> 01:46:18,019 to change the world. 1517 01:46:37,321 --> 01:46:40,593 Well Johnny, this is the second time you made me real 1518 01:46:40,928 --> 01:46:42,663 Thanks pal. 1519 01:46:42,664 --> 01:46:44,467 Hey, you were always real to me buddy, even when you weren't. 1520 01:46:44,468 --> 01:46:47,269 Congratulations Ted. 1521 01:46:47,272 --> 01:46:48,940 Thanks Sam. 1522 01:46:53,883 --> 01:46:56,287 Ted? 1523 01:46:56,288 --> 01:46:58,490 This is quite a victory for you. 1524 01:46:58,491 --> 01:47:01,963 Is there any statement you would like to make now that you are legally a person? 1525 01:47:02,500 --> 01:47:04,367 Yes, there is. 1526 01:47:05,904 --> 01:47:08,240 Tami-Lynn McCafferty... 1527 01:47:08,241 --> 01:47:10,111 Will you marry me? 1528 01:47:11,768 --> 01:47:13,512 Yes! 1529 01:47:18,259 --> 01:47:21,529 And so our story comes to an end. 1530 01:47:21,598 --> 01:47:24,401 Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, 1531 01:47:24,668 --> 01:47:28,074 and soon afterwards they adopted a fine young baby boy. 1532 01:47:29,479 --> 01:47:33,352 Johnny, meet your new godson, Apollo Creed Clubberlang. 1533 01:47:34,088 --> 01:47:36,024 Aw Teddy, he's adorable. 1534 01:47:36,025 --> 01:47:38,094 Oh, and we got something for him too. 1535 01:47:38,361 --> 01:47:39,895 Oh shit, yeah. 1536 01:47:44,705 --> 01:47:46,174 Johnny! 1537 01:47:46,241 --> 01:47:48,044 Oh Johnny it's perfect. 1538 01:47:48,045 --> 01:47:52,117 And you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, maybe he'll come to life. 1539 01:47:52,385 --> 01:47:54,788 You can do all kinds of drugs together. 1540 01:47:54,857 --> 01:47:56,858 That is all I want for him. 1541 01:47:57,193 --> 01:48:00,065 Oh, it smells like someone's got a poopy diaper. 1542 01:48:00,399 --> 01:48:02,402 Teddy it's your turn to change it. 1543 01:48:02,403 --> 01:48:04,138 Oh yeah, no problem. 1544 01:48:04,874 --> 01:48:07,026 - Fuck me! - What's the matter? 1545 01:48:07,027 --> 01:48:08,747 That can't be normal. He's gotta be sick. 1546 01:48:08,748 --> 01:48:10,951 He's not sick. It's just a baby duty. 1547 01:48:10,952 --> 01:48:13,689 - It's just what babies do Teddy. - Oh, you don't think this diaper is gross? 1548 01:48:13,690 --> 01:48:15,223 - No! - Alright, here, catch! 1549 01:48:15,826 --> 01:48:17,426 Teddy, what the fuck? 1550 01:48:18,030 --> 01:48:21,035 Shit, you mother fucker! 1551 01:48:21,303 --> 01:48:23,972 #ShitHappens. 1552 01:48:24,440 --> 01:48:28,440 created by Nihilus thanks to M.R. Sumon for efforts done 1553 01:48:28,441 --> 01:48:32,441 --Edited some lines,corrected misspellings and added lyrics -- twitter@ali_emjay.com 123007