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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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contact www.SubtitleDB.org today
2
00:00:39,684 --> 00:00:44,553
This is more retarded than when I got
that gumball stuck up my nose.
3
00:00:44,722 --> 00:00:48,681
Or the time I wanted to be
the first white Harlem Globetrotter.
4
00:00:51,095 --> 00:00:53,154
And it's more embarrassing
than the time...
5
00:00:53,331 --> 00:00:57,062
...
my mom walked in on me while I was
trying to simulate vaginal friction...
6
00:00:57,235 --> 00:00:59,999
...
by rubbing my boner between
the mattress and box springs.
7
00:01:00,171 --> 00:01:01,900
Why don't you go out and play.
8
00:01:02,073 --> 00:01:03,904
lt's such a beautiful day.
9
00:01:04,075 --> 00:01:06,873
No, this tops it.
10
00:01:07,044 --> 00:01:09,342
And it's all because of Erica.
11
00:01:14,018 --> 00:01:15,246
Erica.
12
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,746
It sounds so much like ''erotica. ''
13
00:01:20,691 --> 00:01:21,919
And it's fitting:
14
00:01:22,093 --> 00:01:24,152
She's a walking wet dream.
15
00:01:28,699 --> 00:01:30,633
The kind of girl
whose mere glance at you...
16
00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:33,929
...
could get your pecker
to stand up and say, ''Howdy. ''
17
00:01:34,105 --> 00:01:36,505
And not your normal,
run-of-the-mill erection.
18
00:01:36,674 --> 00:01:39,507
We're talking the kind
that could be picked up on radar.
19
00:01:40,011 --> 00:01:41,672
The kind you could hang a flag from.
20
00:01:50,121 --> 00:01:52,055
And her breasts.
21
00:01:52,223 --> 00:01:54,191
They must have tractor beams in them.
22
00:01:54,358 --> 00:01:57,725
They pull my hands toward them
like the Death Star...
23
00:01:57,895 --> 00:01:59,419
...
dragging in the Millennium Falcon.
24
00:02:08,739 --> 00:02:10,138
Come on, guys.
25
00:02:23,554 --> 00:02:27,251
lf l had breasts like that,
l could have ruled the world.
26
00:02:30,194 --> 00:02:32,560
You are in love with her, no?
27
00:02:33,097 --> 00:02:35,657
No, l'm not.
28
00:02:35,833 --> 00:02:38,563
Then why are you sitting so funny?
29
00:02:39,537 --> 00:02:41,232
Nonno.
30
00:02:42,073 --> 00:02:44,064
Don't be ashamed.
31
00:02:44,241 --> 00:02:46,300
A man is two people:
32
00:02:46,477 --> 00:02:48,638
Himself and his penis.
33
00:02:48,813 --> 00:02:51,441
A man always takes his friend
to the party...
34
00:02:51,616 --> 00:02:54,312
...but of the two,
the friend is nicer...
35
00:02:54,485 --> 00:02:58,046
...because he is more able
to show his feelings.
36
00:02:59,223 --> 00:03:03,626
Does this Erica know
what you think about her?
37
00:03:04,528 --> 00:03:06,655
She's got a boyfriend.
38
00:03:07,365 --> 00:03:09,390
They are not lovers?
39
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:12,600
-l don't think so.
-That is good.
40
00:03:12,770 --> 00:03:15,500
one pubic hair
between a man and a woman...
41
00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:18,608
...can be stronger
than the Atlantic cable.
42
00:03:18,776 --> 00:03:20,368
You're telling me.
43
00:03:20,544 --> 00:03:22,478
What is your problem with the
bella?
44
00:03:22,647 --> 00:03:26,811
She goes off to college on the East Coast
in three months.
45
00:03:26,984 --> 00:03:29,544
Then you must declare
your love to her immediately.
46
00:03:29,887 --> 00:03:31,218
-Are you crazy?
-You must.
47
00:03:31,389 --> 00:03:33,789
-lt is the only way.
-oh, no, no, no.
48
00:03:33,958 --> 00:03:36,859
She'll think l'm a spaz.
49
00:03:37,028 --> 00:03:40,691
Then you prefer to sit funny
the rest of your life?
50
00:03:40,865 --> 00:03:44,562
Now, listen,
ragazzo,
l will tell you a story.
51
00:03:44,735 --> 00:03:47,829
lt is about your great-great-grandfather...
52
00:03:48,005 --> 00:03:50,269
...
Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.
53
00:03:50,441 --> 00:03:54,434
When he was a boy your age,
he was in love...
54
00:03:54,612 --> 00:03:58,275
...
with the most beautiful girl
in the village of Cascata.
55
00:03:59,350 --> 00:04:01,318
But the bella...
56
00:04:01,485 --> 00:04:03,715
...
she did not see anything
in Giuseppe.
57
00:04:03,888 --> 00:04:08,325
So one day, Giuseppe,
an enterprising young boy...
58
00:04:08,492 --> 00:04:10,357
...
declared his love to her.
59
00:04:10,661 --> 00:04:12,185
He said:
60
00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:15,992
''I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
love you...
61
00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:19,193
...
and to prove that I will
always be there for you...
62
00:04:19,370 --> 00:04:25,002
...
I will stand under your balcony
day and night without relent...
63
00:04:25,176 --> 00:04:28,009
...
until you fall in love with me. ''
64
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,342
So Giuseppe...
65
00:04:34,518 --> 00:04:38,887
...
stood outside that balcony
day and night.
66
00:04:39,056 --> 00:04:41,115
Night and day.
67
00:04:41,292 --> 00:04:46,821
Until, finally, his love came
out to the balcony and cried:
68
00:04:46,997 --> 00:04:51,297
''Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, I love you!''
69
00:04:51,469 --> 00:04:52,663
So Giuseppe...
70
00:04:52,837 --> 00:04:55,897
...climbed up to the balcony
and into her bed.
71
00:04:56,073 --> 00:04:59,304
They made love so passionately...
72
00:04:59,477 --> 00:05:02,674
...that the ground shook.
73
00:05:02,847 --> 00:05:05,338
And villagers today still believe...
74
00:05:05,516 --> 00:05:09,452
...that's what caused
the 1 874 earthquake.
75
00:05:12,523 --> 00:05:14,013
l can't do that.
76
00:05:14,191 --> 00:05:15,988
You can, my friend.
77
00:05:16,427 --> 00:05:19,555
Women are like breaking into a bank.
78
00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:21,129
lt takes nerve.
79
00:05:21,298 --> 00:05:22,959
lt takes daring.
80
00:05:23,134 --> 00:05:27,833
Sometimes you need a little bit
of dynamite to blow the vault.
81
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:32,871
I don't know what it was.
82
00:05:33,043 --> 00:05:37,707
Maybe all the benzoyl peroxide
in my zit cream had affected my brain.
83
00:05:37,882 --> 00:05:42,512
Or maybe I had a strange fetish
for humiliation at the hands of a woman.
84
00:05:42,686 --> 00:05:45,416
I figured this stemmed
from watching too many episodes...
85
00:05:45,589 --> 00:05:50,253
...
of Julie Newmar as the Catwoman
in all those Batman
reruns.
86
00:05:50,427 --> 00:05:52,588
But it seemed like an audacious idea.
87
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,924
I decided to try it.
88
00:05:55,499 --> 00:05:57,933
Peter, that is so sweet.
89
00:05:58,102 --> 00:06:00,002
I was beginning to think
this might work...
90
00:06:00,171 --> 00:06:02,196
...
when she said
the most dreaded two words...
91
00:06:02,373 --> 00:06:03,738
...
in the English language.
92
00:06:03,908 --> 00:06:06,376
But, Peter, we're just friends.
93
00:06:06,544 --> 00:06:08,011
''Just friends. ''
94
00:06:08,179 --> 00:06:11,637
The words hit me like screaming lead
shot from a .
38.
95
00:06:11,816 --> 00:06:13,750
l wanna be...
96
00:06:13,918 --> 00:06:15,783
...just friends.
97
00:06:23,928 --> 00:06:25,589
lt's just a flesh wound, my friend.
98
00:06:25,763 --> 00:06:27,287
lt will not kill you.
99
00:06:27,464 --> 00:06:29,557
Get back up and fight.
100
00:06:34,772 --> 00:06:36,296
l'm not gonna give up so easily.
101
00:06:36,473 --> 00:06:38,236
But, Peter--
102
00:06:38,409 --> 00:06:42,743
I was rudely interrupted
by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.
103
00:06:47,351 --> 00:06:51,014
He's what I call a ''gaping asshole. ''
104
00:06:54,024 --> 00:06:58,552
You know, the type of guy that's
going to college on a football scholarship.
105
00:06:58,729 --> 00:07:01,926
But what bothers me most
is he's one of those macho dicks...
106
00:07:02,099 --> 00:07:05,660
...
who's always grabbing his crotch
and adjusting his balls.
107
00:07:05,836 --> 00:07:08,168
I mean, what's the deal?
108
00:07:08,339 --> 00:07:10,739
He acts like he's a guard
at the Tower of London.
109
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:16,608
He's gotta check every 1 0 seconds
to see if the crown jewels are still there.
110
00:07:21,485 --> 00:07:24,648
And how come every asshole I know
has to make that noise?
111
00:07:28,025 --> 00:07:31,119
You can hear a symphony of those
in any boys' locker room.
112
00:07:31,295 --> 00:07:32,990
Is it like a lion roaring?
113
00:07:33,163 --> 00:07:35,290
The asshole who can hawk
a loogie the loudest...
114
00:07:35,466 --> 00:07:37,730
...
is the leader of the herd?
115
00:07:37,902 --> 00:07:41,065
Needless to say, Nick has been
my nemesis since I was 5.
116
00:07:45,709 --> 00:07:48,701
-l forbid you to go out dressed like that.
-Dad.
117
00:07:48,879 --> 00:07:52,337
No self-respecting Christian girl
would be seen in public in a--
118
00:07:52,516 --> 00:07:55,679
Just get in the house.
Get in the house.
119
00:07:59,757 --> 00:08:01,987
Erica. Erica. Erica!
120
00:08:05,529 --> 00:08:08,760
Erica looked more doable than
Barbara Feldon in Get Smart.
121
00:08:08,933 --> 00:08:10,195
Erica! Get your--
122
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:13,859
She kissed Nick so hard, I'm sure they
could've swallowed each others uvulas.
123
00:08:14,038 --> 00:08:15,699
Erica, if you--
124
00:08:19,209 --> 00:08:20,733
What the hell's his story?
125
00:08:20,911 --> 00:08:25,405
She then proceeded to tell Nick
what I was up to.
126
00:08:37,561 --> 00:08:42,464
And if things weren't hard enough,
I encountered more unexpected problems.
127
00:08:42,633 --> 00:08:44,498
Well, our prayers
have been answered.
128
00:08:44,668 --> 00:08:47,228
l have been asking God
to send someone to take her away...
129
00:08:47,404 --> 00:08:49,395
...from that heathen boyfriend, Nick.
130
00:08:49,573 --> 00:08:50,767
-You're a miracle.
-Yes.
131
00:08:50,941 --> 00:08:52,875
Erica's dad can never
have a conversation...
132
00:08:53,043 --> 00:08:57,537
...
without quoting some guy named
Zig Ziglar, a Christian motivational speaker.
133
00:08:57,715 --> 00:09:00,912
Frankly, I'd never be caught dead
quoting some guy named Zig.
134
00:09:01,085 --> 00:09:05,112
The difference between you
and that barbarian, Nick, is that you--
135
00:09:05,289 --> 00:09:06,586
Remember what he said.
136
00:09:06,757 --> 00:09:11,717
--have a ''swelled heart,
not a swelled head.''
137
00:09:11,895 --> 00:09:15,763
I wanted to tell him that his daughter
gave me both. But I didn't.
138
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,896
Peter, l thought you might be hungry...
139
00:09:18,068 --> 00:09:20,559
...so l brought cookies
l made for the church bake sale.
140
00:09:20,738 --> 00:09:22,968
I wasn't all that surprised
by the cookies.
141
00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:26,803
This is the same woman who encourages
her youngest daughter, Mary...
142
00:09:26,977 --> 00:09:28,501
...
to play with nun dolls.
143
00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:31,409
''Now say 50 more.''
''Hail Mary, Hail Mary...
144
00:09:31,582 --> 00:09:33,311
...Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary....''
145
00:09:35,219 --> 00:09:36,709
-Thanks.
-Yes, yes, yes.
146
00:09:36,887 --> 00:09:38,149
Now let's face it.
147
00:09:38,322 --> 00:09:40,916
It's a proven fact that girls
do not fall in love...
148
00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:43,491
...
with any boy her parents
actually like.
149
00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:45,594
I vowed at that very moment
that I would...
150
00:09:45,763 --> 00:09:47,890
...
find a way to make her parents
hate me.
151
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,930
I set Giuseppe to work on it.
152
00:09:53,504 --> 00:09:55,233
Go ahead, Peter, try it.
153
00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:17,691
My dad's reaction to my plan,
when he heard about it from Mom...
154
00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:19,988
...
registered on the Richter scale
at Caltech.
155
00:10:20,164 --> 00:10:22,029
Peter. Peter!
156
00:10:22,199 --> 00:10:24,861
Stop acting like you don't hear me. Peter.
157
00:10:27,304 --> 00:10:30,740
Hell's bells.
You get inside right this instant.
158
00:10:30,908 --> 00:10:33,274
-l'm not leaving this spot.
-Yes, you are.
159
00:10:33,444 --> 00:10:35,207
-No, l'm not.
-Yes, you are.
160
00:10:35,379 --> 00:10:37,904
You stop listening
to your grandfather's nonsense.
161
00:10:38,082 --> 00:10:39,845
He's not all there. Now, come on.
162
00:10:40,017 --> 00:10:42,952
-Let go. l'm not hurting anyone.
-You are acting like a fool.
163
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,417
-Now, come on.
-No.
164
00:10:44,588 --> 00:10:46,078
-Give it up, son.
-Mom!
165
00:10:46,256 --> 00:10:48,417
-Listen to your father.
-This is ridiculous.
166
00:10:48,592 --> 00:10:51,254
What will the neighbors think?
Some of them are my patients.
167
00:10:51,428 --> 00:10:54,124
They'll stop coming to me
if they think my son's a pervert...
168
00:10:54,298 --> 00:10:55,925
...who stands under girls' windows.
169
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,898
-You're just embarrassing our entire family.
-Dad!
170
00:10:59,069 --> 00:11:00,593
-l'm sorry.
-Now, let go, Peter.
171
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:04,700
My New Guinea impatiens!
172
00:11:06,543 --> 00:11:07,976
-l'm sorry.
-What are you doing?
173
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:09,612
Good old Nonno.
174
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,372
Whenever a situation calls for it...
175
00:11:11,548 --> 00:11:13,880
...
my grandfather pulls
his ''infirm old man '' routine.
176
00:11:14,051 --> 00:11:15,177
l'm sorry.
177
00:11:15,352 --> 00:11:18,185
He's saved my life hundreds of times.
178
00:11:18,789 --> 00:11:20,051
l'm sorry.
179
00:11:21,258 --> 00:11:24,022
The same couldn't be said
for my best friend, Matt.
180
00:11:24,194 --> 00:11:25,627
This is my last chance.
181
00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:29,129
Look, you know, l just don't wanna
see you setting yourself up like this.
182
00:11:29,299 --> 00:11:31,699
l have been in love with Erica
since we were kids.
183
00:11:31,869 --> 00:11:34,167
We used to play
Cowboys and lndians together.
184
00:11:34,771 --> 00:11:37,535
When we were little,
we used to do everything together.
185
00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:41,337
When you get mad at someone,
you go like this:
186
00:11:42,112 --> 00:11:44,774
-lt was great.
-lt'll never work.
187
00:11:46,116 --> 00:11:47,378
Why not?
188
00:11:47,551 --> 00:11:48,950
Because we're losers.
189
00:11:49,119 --> 00:11:52,088
Look, we've been picked
by genetic selection...
190
00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:56,215
...to be the world's biggest living proof
that this world is fucked.
191
00:11:56,393 --> 00:11:59,920
-How's that?
-We lost the DNA lottery.
192
00:12:00,097 --> 00:12:02,122
We didn't get the asshole gene.
193
00:12:02,299 --> 00:12:04,199
See, we're the nice guys.
194
00:12:04,368 --> 00:12:05,801
We're never gonna succeed.
195
00:12:05,969 --> 00:12:08,802
only the assholes get the girls
and the dough, bro.
196
00:12:09,506 --> 00:12:12,236
-You've got it all figured out.
-Damn straight, l do.
197
00:12:12,409 --> 00:12:14,775
My parents think l'm going
to college in the fall.
198
00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:17,812
l'm not going to college so l can be
a jerk with a degree...
199
00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:19,881
...who assistant-manages
a Burger King.
200
00:12:20,050 --> 00:12:22,450
''Would you like fries with that, please?''
No way.
201
00:12:22,619 --> 00:12:24,951
-So you're just gonna give up?
-Yep.
202
00:12:25,122 --> 00:12:27,955
-And l suppose you want me to give up too?
-Exactly.
203
00:12:28,125 --> 00:12:31,959
You gotta become comfortably numb.
204
00:12:32,129 --> 00:12:35,189
You can't let anyone
or anything disappoint you.
205
00:12:35,365 --> 00:12:37,196
You gotta be self-sufficient.
206
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:41,804
l mean, look at me.
Do l need a girl like Erica? No.
207
00:12:43,073 --> 00:12:46,372
Since you're gonna be here all summer,
mind if l use your mailing address?
208
00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:48,408
-What for?
-l sent away for something...
209
00:12:48,579 --> 00:12:50,877
...and l don't want my mom
to accidentally open it.
210
00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:54,506
So l figured you'll be out here,
you can intercept it before anyone gets it.
211
00:12:55,385 --> 00:12:56,613
-okay, l guess.
-Yes.
212
00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:59,484
Hey. But admit it...
213
00:12:59,656 --> 00:13:01,886
...sometimes you wish
you had a girlfriend.
214
00:13:02,059 --> 00:13:03,390
No way.
215
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,255
Blockbuster, Domino's Pizza...
216
00:13:05,429 --> 00:13:07,329
...Rosy Palm and her five friends...
217
00:13:07,497 --> 00:13:10,364
...are all l need
for a great Saturday night.
218
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,201
Maybe if you're 1 4.
219
00:13:12,369 --> 00:13:14,428
okay, you do have a point.
220
00:13:14,605 --> 00:13:19,201
Sometimes l do need to spice up
my love life a little bit.
221
00:13:19,943 --> 00:13:23,071
l'd like you to meet
my date for the evening, Peter.
222
00:13:26,149 --> 00:13:29,346
You know, l read in
Barely Legal
magazine about this guy...
223
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:31,544
...he got off humping fruit.
224
00:13:31,722 --> 00:13:33,280
You're a sick puppy.
225
00:13:33,857 --> 00:13:37,258
The sun is gonna make it
nice and warm.
226
00:13:37,427 --> 00:13:39,054
Just like the real thing.
227
00:13:39,429 --> 00:13:40,862
Well, what about the seeds?
228
00:13:41,465 --> 00:13:44,025
Come on. l'm not gonna go down on it.
229
00:13:51,174 --> 00:13:53,438
I amused myself
by watching the neighborhood.
230
00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:55,601
Life is my TV.
231
00:13:55,779 --> 00:13:58,680
And it was a little more interesting
than network television.
232
00:13:58,849 --> 00:14:00,111
There was Mr. Mays.
233
00:14:00,284 --> 00:14:03,447
My parents think he works
for the CIA or the FBI.
234
00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,383
It's because every time
he comes home...
235
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:07,682
...
he drives around the block
again and again...
236
00:14:07,858 --> 00:14:09,792
...
to make sure he's not being followed.
237
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,293
There's a kid on the street
that's a pyromaniac.
238
00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:22,598
Matt made sure his parents
had left him alone in the house.
239
00:14:23,974 --> 00:14:25,771
Bye, guys.
240
00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:30,804
He then went to the upstairs bathroom
to make amore
with his watermelon.
241
00:14:31,882 --> 00:14:33,873
And the guy across the street.
242
00:14:34,051 --> 00:14:35,416
I forget his name.
243
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,246
But he seems so sad.
244
00:14:37,421 --> 00:14:38,979
His wife has cancer.
245
00:14:39,156 --> 00:14:43,525
He dutifully takes her out
for a breath of fresh air every day.
246
00:14:44,161 --> 00:14:45,958
It's a good thing Erica isn't around.
247
00:14:46,129 --> 00:14:49,621
I got a woody watching Ms. Lewis
work out to Buns of Steel.
248
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,768
And pull. And pull. And pull.
249
00:14:51,935 --> 00:14:54,460
Mr. Mays put in a second lap.
250
00:14:59,309 --> 00:15:03,473
The crazy lady next door
eats her dinner in the car.
251
00:15:03,647 --> 00:15:07,208
I was dismayed to see history
repeating itself.
252
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:08,783
Maybe Matt is right.
253
00:15:08,952 --> 00:15:10,943
Some people are born
with the asshole gene...
254
00:15:11,121 --> 00:15:13,146
...
and some of us aren't.
255
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,493
There was nothing much happening
to keep me amused at night.
256
00:15:20,664 --> 00:15:24,464
At about 1 0, I saw Matt go out
to the upstairs balcony.
257
00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:26,431
If he had been in there all that time...
258
00:15:26,603 --> 00:15:29,595
...
that watermelon now had
more holes in it than a Wiffle ball.
259
00:15:30,307 --> 00:15:32,298
Only the crazy lady was out.
260
00:15:32,476 --> 00:15:34,535
She was cutting her grass.
261
00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:42,108
It looked like there was something good
on TV over at my house...
262
00:15:42,285 --> 00:15:44,480
...
and I wanted to watch it.
263
00:15:44,654 --> 00:15:47,623
But something got in the way.
264
00:15:47,958 --> 00:15:51,519
So I watered the plants instead.
265
00:15:55,532 --> 00:15:58,467
I figured I should take advantage
of the time I had on my hands.
266
00:15:58,635 --> 00:16:00,967
I vowed that if I were
to become Erica's boyfriend...
267
00:16:01,138 --> 00:16:04,505
...
I had to become the greatest lover
she had ever known.
268
00:16:05,075 --> 00:16:09,774
In pursuit of that goal, I decided
I would become an expert in love.
269
00:16:10,347 --> 00:16:12,838
I started by reading The Joy of Sexuality.
270
00:16:13,116 --> 00:16:17,143
It wasn't the descriptions of the wildly
uninhibited Chinese-style sex positions...
271
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,811
...
like the
''wailing monkey clasping a tree''...
272
00:16:19,990 --> 00:16:22,424
...
or ''wild geese flying on their backs ''...
273
00:16:22,592 --> 00:16:24,492
...
that I found most enlightening.
274
00:16:24,661 --> 00:16:27,425
It was the guy they picked
to illustrate...
275
00:16:27,597 --> 00:16:29,428
...
all the exotic conjugations.
276
00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:32,466
The guy is butt-ugly.
277
00:16:33,003 --> 00:16:34,163
And the girl was a babe.
278
00:16:34,771 --> 00:16:36,102
This was inspiring.
279
00:16:36,273 --> 00:16:40,642
I mean, if this Quest for Fire
reject
could get laid, why couldn't I?
280
00:17:03,934 --> 00:17:07,062
oh, good, my parents aren't home
from church yet.
281
00:17:09,339 --> 00:17:10,772
l'll meet you inside.
282
00:17:10,941 --> 00:17:13,034
l'm gonna have a talk
with your friend Peter.
283
00:17:13,210 --> 00:17:14,541
okay.
284
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:34,222
So you're still here, huh?
285
00:17:35,232 --> 00:17:38,258
l would have thought you'd have
gotten smart and given up by now.
286
00:17:40,637 --> 00:17:42,434
Why do guys always make that noise?
287
00:17:42,606 --> 00:17:43,834
What noise?
288
00:17:44,007 --> 00:17:45,474
This noise:
289
00:17:49,246 --> 00:17:51,680
l mean, you guys spit so much.
290
00:17:51,848 --> 00:17:53,839
Makes you wonder
what you've been sucking on.
291
00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:57,484
Shut up.
292
00:17:58,321 --> 00:17:59,481
oh, what a--
293
00:17:59,656 --> 00:18:03,683
What a demonstrative display
of masculine aggression.
294
00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:06,920
Did you know
that such behavior is a sign of...
295
00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:09,796
...latent homosexuality?
296
00:18:13,069 --> 00:18:15,367
l think it's time you left.
297
00:18:20,844 --> 00:18:23,210
-l'm not leaving.
-You wanna fight?
298
00:18:23,713 --> 00:18:24,941
l'll give you a free shot.
299
00:18:26,449 --> 00:18:28,178
Go for it, my friend.
300
00:18:28,351 --> 00:18:30,444
How could I refuse this invitation?
301
00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,110
I was going to lose this fight...
302
00:18:32,656 --> 00:18:35,056
...
but at least I could get
one killer shot in.
303
00:18:35,225 --> 00:18:37,318
So I charged the Prince of Darkness.
304
00:18:37,627 --> 00:18:39,959
Then I realized my mistake.
305
00:18:40,130 --> 00:18:41,427
It was a trick.
306
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,566
It felt like my nuts had exploded.
307
00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:47,066
And it sounded like a pair of water balloons
dropped off a building.
308
00:18:56,479 --> 00:18:58,344
That'll teach you, huh?
309
00:19:08,124 --> 00:19:12,390
I took it as a good sign that Erica
was curious to see if I was still there.
310
00:19:21,871 --> 00:19:26,274
It was important that Erica never see me
flag in my devotion by leaving my post.
311
00:19:26,443 --> 00:19:29,412
But on the other hand, I didn't
wanna smell like my uncle Lou...
312
00:19:29,579 --> 00:19:32,639
...
when Erica finally buckled
under my romantic vigilance.
313
00:19:32,816 --> 00:19:35,944
So I figured while she was
getting ready for the day...
314
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:39,555
...
I'd pop inside for a quick shower
and some Cheerios.
315
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,156
What are you doing?
316
00:19:41,324 --> 00:19:43,189
Changing the locks.
317
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:46,193
When you finally give up
this nonsense...
318
00:19:46,363 --> 00:19:48,627
...l'll let you back inside.
319
00:19:49,432 --> 00:19:51,093
Dad, give me a break.
320
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:52,928
Forget it.
321
00:19:59,476 --> 00:20:01,239
Mom.
322
00:20:02,012 --> 00:20:03,309
This was desperate.
323
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,209
No food. No water.
324
00:20:05,382 --> 00:20:06,508
Nice.
325
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:09,618
And I really needed to do
some low-altitude bombing.
326
00:20:21,631 --> 00:20:25,032
I had no choice but to impose
on my best friend, Matt.
327
00:20:26,336 --> 00:20:27,667
Hey, Matt, open up!
328
00:20:27,837 --> 00:20:31,034
l'm showering, man!
The side door's open!
329
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:46,689
What about a little privacy?
330
00:20:46,856 --> 00:20:49,086
oh, man. Light a match.
331
00:20:49,259 --> 00:20:50,954
Sorry. Hey, where's your toothpaste?
332
00:20:51,127 --> 00:20:54,494
oh, get out of here. People are gonna
think we're queer or something.
333
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,100
What the hell are you doing?
334
00:21:34,671 --> 00:21:36,468
l started reading
The Joy of Sexuality...
335
00:21:36,639 --> 00:21:39,005
...checked out the part
about cunnilingus.
336
00:21:39,175 --> 00:21:41,006
Wanted to make sure l was in shape.
337
00:21:41,444 --> 00:21:42,968
Cunnilingus.
338
00:21:43,146 --> 00:21:45,410
Yo, you've been checking out
for my mail?
339
00:21:45,582 --> 00:21:46,776
Nothing came yet.
340
00:21:46,950 --> 00:21:48,542
Brought you some food.
341
00:21:49,886 --> 00:21:52,377
-No, thanks.
-Come on, it's good.
342
00:21:59,095 --> 00:22:02,292
Sorry about the noise, Peter,
but l'm putting locks on all the windows.
343
00:22:02,465 --> 00:22:05,366
l don't want Erica pulling another stunt
like she did yesterday.
344
00:22:09,639 --> 00:22:11,300
Man.
345
00:22:11,841 --> 00:22:14,469
l wish you'd give this up, man.
346
00:22:15,278 --> 00:22:19,738
Listen, l'm not so sure l believe
your theory about the asshole gene.
347
00:22:19,916 --> 00:22:23,113
oh, come on. Look.
l mean, it's everywhere you look.
348
00:22:23,286 --> 00:22:25,914
-Hey, you want a taste?
-Yeah.
349
00:22:26,556 --> 00:22:28,717
That's an isolated case.
350
00:22:29,225 --> 00:22:30,522
All right.
351
00:22:30,693 --> 00:22:35,528
What if l told you that even
our Founding Fathers were assholes?
352
00:22:35,698 --> 00:22:37,723
What are you talking about?
353
00:22:37,901 --> 00:22:41,234
Take the Boston Tea Party,
for instance. All right?
354
00:22:41,404 --> 00:22:43,099
Even with taxation...
355
00:22:43,273 --> 00:22:45,764
...the British tea cost less
than the colonial tea...
356
00:22:45,942 --> 00:22:49,469
...produced by those guys
like John Hancock and Sam Adams.
357
00:22:49,646 --> 00:22:51,204
No, don't do it!
358
00:22:51,714 --> 00:22:52,942
No!
359
00:22:57,420 --> 00:23:00,548
See, the Boston Tea Party
wasn't a political act.
360
00:23:00,723 --> 00:23:02,850
lt was an industrial espionage.
361
00:23:03,026 --> 00:23:05,927
lt was a scam by John Hancock
and Sam Adams...
362
00:23:06,095 --> 00:23:08,859
...to put the British out of business.
363
00:23:09,032 --> 00:23:10,499
See?
364
00:23:10,667 --> 00:23:13,227
Even our Founding Fathers
were a bunch of assholes.
365
00:23:13,703 --> 00:23:15,227
You've got a point.
366
00:23:15,405 --> 00:23:19,671
But l've been thinking about this,
and l got a couple theories of my own.
367
00:23:19,843 --> 00:23:21,242
Shoot.
368
00:23:21,411 --> 00:23:25,575
Well, l think you can tell a lot
about a woman's personality...
369
00:23:25,748 --> 00:23:27,215
...from the shape of her breasts.
370
00:23:27,383 --> 00:23:29,146
What are you getting into right now?
371
00:23:29,319 --> 00:23:31,810
-Take Mrs. olsen, for instance.
-What have you done?
372
00:23:31,988 --> 00:23:34,320
Her boobs look like the turret on a tank.
373
00:23:35,124 --> 00:23:39,026
Her mammaries look like they could shoot
a mortar charge, blow you to smithereens.
374
00:23:39,195 --> 00:23:42,130
You can see she has the same
iron-fisted personality...
375
00:23:42,298 --> 00:23:43,526
...that matches her hooters.
376
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,497
--you have ever been in your life.
377
00:23:45,668 --> 00:23:47,533
All right, you got a point.
378
00:23:47,704 --> 00:23:49,001
Go on.
379
00:23:49,172 --> 00:23:51,834
Now, take the crazy lady next door.
380
00:23:52,008 --> 00:23:53,498
Now, don't give me the willies.
381
00:23:54,010 --> 00:23:56,535
No, look.
She's got mashed-potato breasts.
382
00:23:56,913 --> 00:23:58,437
Dude, they're so weird.
383
00:23:58,615 --> 00:24:01,209
-Yeah. Right. And she's weird too.
-All right.
384
00:24:02,018 --> 00:24:04,885
But, you know,
you're just giving me easy examples.
385
00:24:05,054 --> 00:24:07,852
All right. Ms. Lewis.
386
00:24:08,258 --> 00:24:11,284
Bosoms like melons that have
been in the store a little too long.
387
00:24:11,895 --> 00:24:14,921
You may be taking a chance,
buying them after the expiration date...
388
00:24:15,098 --> 00:24:18,158
...but if you're lucky,
they might still be good.
389
00:24:18,334 --> 00:24:20,598
She's the same way.
390
00:24:20,770 --> 00:24:24,103
She's a little older,
but l bet she's a good woman.
391
00:24:26,376 --> 00:24:32,281
okay, now, what can you deduce
from Erica's breasts?
392
00:24:34,751 --> 00:24:37,515
l've done a lot of thinking about this.
393
00:24:38,121 --> 00:24:40,715
As you can see,
her breasts are extremely firm.
394
00:24:40,890 --> 00:24:43,552
So taut, you expect the nipples
to blow off...
395
00:24:43,726 --> 00:24:45,751
...like a cork out of a champagne bottle.
396
00:24:46,663 --> 00:24:51,362
l see this as a reflection
of Erica's effervescent, wild...
397
00:24:51,534 --> 00:24:53,661
...life-is-a-party personality.
398
00:24:53,836 --> 00:24:56,862
lt's also self-evident that her breasts
are on the small side.
399
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,168
l suspect it's gonna take centuries
for them to droop.
400
00:25:00,343 --> 00:25:03,744
Meaning that she will
always be young at heart.
401
00:25:03,913 --> 00:25:09,112
But here's something that you may miss
upon a cursory glance:
402
00:25:09,285 --> 00:25:14,086
Some women's nipples can become hard
like pink pencil erasers...
403
00:25:14,257 --> 00:25:17,226
...so hard that you could dial
a phone with them, you know?
404
00:25:17,627 --> 00:25:21,290
These women, l suspect, are often more
concerned with the particulars in life...
405
00:25:21,464 --> 00:25:24,433
...like avoiding laying in the wet spot.
406
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,363
But with Erica...
407
00:25:26,903 --> 00:25:33,365
...notice how the nipple merges
almost effortlessly...
408
00:25:33,543 --> 00:25:36,068
...with the areola...
409
00:25:36,245 --> 00:25:39,612
...bringing a softness to her nipular area.
410
00:25:40,049 --> 00:25:43,815
l think this suggests a softness of heart.
411
00:25:43,987 --> 00:25:45,648
l mean, this is a girl...
412
00:25:45,822 --> 00:25:50,555
...more concerned with passion
than particulars.
413
00:25:53,896 --> 00:25:55,557
Am l right?
414
00:25:57,100 --> 00:25:58,499
Matt?
415
00:26:00,136 --> 00:26:02,832
Pete, l gotta go.
416
00:26:03,006 --> 00:26:05,839
Something l gotta do at home. See you.
417
00:26:15,251 --> 00:26:18,345
''l'm really hungry.
418
00:26:18,521 --> 00:26:20,989
Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.''
419
00:26:21,157 --> 00:26:23,887
The only thing I had eaten that day
was Matt's watermelon.
420
00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:26,688
I hadn't eaten all of it
for obvious reasons.
421
00:26:26,863 --> 00:26:30,196
So I was pretty hungry by the time
Nonno snuck out of the house.
422
00:26:40,977 --> 00:26:42,274
Get down.
423
00:26:53,656 --> 00:26:55,886
Nonno, what are you doing out here?
424
00:27:02,665 --> 00:27:03,893
Goal!
425
00:27:04,067 --> 00:27:06,865
Goal! Goal!
426
00:27:07,036 --> 00:27:09,300
-Goal!
-okay. okay.
427
00:27:09,472 --> 00:27:11,303
-Goal!
-okay. okay. Marge!
428
00:27:11,474 --> 00:27:14,034
Your dad thinks
he's in the World Cup again.
429
00:27:22,218 --> 00:27:25,483
l'm not cool enough.
She's never gonna fall for me.
430
00:27:25,655 --> 00:27:28,351
Standing out here
doesn't make any sense, Nonno.
431
00:27:28,524 --> 00:27:31,015
lt makes all the sense in the world.
432
00:27:31,194 --> 00:27:35,028
You are trying to make love to a woman.
433
00:27:35,198 --> 00:27:38,190
You must know,
deep in your heart of hearts...
434
00:27:38,367 --> 00:27:41,359
...that people are supposed to make love.
435
00:27:41,537 --> 00:27:43,937
lt is our main purpose in life.
436
00:27:44,107 --> 00:27:46,098
All those other activities--
437
00:27:46,275 --> 00:27:51,645
Playing the violin, washing dishes,
reading novels, drinking wine.
438
00:27:51,814 --> 00:27:58,014
--are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.
439
00:27:58,688 --> 00:28:01,486
Then my whole life is passing time.
440
00:28:01,657 --> 00:28:02,954
This is never gonna work.
441
00:28:03,126 --> 00:28:05,094
This
bella, Erica...
442
00:28:05,261 --> 00:28:06,956
...she will fall for you.
443
00:28:07,130 --> 00:28:08,427
lmpossible.
444
00:28:09,765 --> 00:28:11,289
Crazier things have happened.
445
00:28:11,467 --> 00:28:13,992
-Let me tell you another story.
-oh, great.
446
00:28:14,170 --> 00:28:16,866
Look at all the trouble
your last one got me into, Nonno.
447
00:28:17,039 --> 00:28:20,008
lt is about a young Navy pilot.
448
00:28:20,176 --> 00:28:24,374
He could perform
incredible maneuvers in his plane.
449
00:28:26,582 --> 00:28:29,107
Then, one day, he nearly crashed.
450
00:28:29,285 --> 00:28:34,154
The pilot went to the doctors
and declared his problem.
451
00:28:34,323 --> 00:28:35,881
Hemorrhoids.
452
00:28:36,058 --> 00:28:39,687
A mass of dilated veins in the rectum.
453
00:28:39,862 --> 00:28:41,295
The doctor had them removed.
454
00:28:41,864 --> 00:28:43,832
What's so romantic about this story?
455
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,332
The pilot met this nurse.
456
00:28:46,502 --> 00:28:48,561
Twice a day she would change
his dressings...
457
00:28:48,738 --> 00:28:52,834
...and apply ointment
to his traumatized sphincter.
458
00:28:53,009 --> 00:28:54,840
The two got to talking.
459
00:28:55,011 --> 00:28:58,003
The nurse fell for the young pilot.
460
00:28:58,181 --> 00:29:02,277
Now, if that isn't love,
l don't know what is.
461
00:29:02,818 --> 00:29:05,480
After two weeks, the couple got married.
462
00:29:05,655 --> 00:29:08,886
And if it wasn't for a swelling anus...
463
00:29:09,058 --> 00:29:12,152
...the two would never have met.
464
00:29:12,828 --> 00:29:15,319
Now l don't believe any of your stories.
465
00:29:32,648 --> 00:29:34,639
lt's all true.
466
00:29:34,817 --> 00:29:37,308
Ask your mom and dad.
467
00:29:37,787 --> 00:29:40,654
-That was Mom and Dad?
-Yep.
468
00:30:55,931 --> 00:30:59,799
My massive manhood must have been
sapping all the blood from my brain.
469
00:30:59,969 --> 00:31:02,301
That's the only way I could explain
my acceptance...
470
00:31:02,471 --> 00:31:04,462
...
of this retarded, quixotic quest.
471
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:06,767
Hours passed into days.
472
00:31:08,010 --> 00:31:10,604
Nick and I got to know
each other better.
473
00:31:13,282 --> 00:31:14,874
I had time on my hands.
474
00:31:15,051 --> 00:31:17,417
I read the entire
Kinsey reports and found out...
475
00:31:17,586 --> 00:31:21,454
...
that 1 0 percent of all males
attempt self-fellatio...
476
00:31:21,624 --> 00:31:24,593
...
and that 0.3 percent actually succeed.
477
00:31:26,796 --> 00:31:29,663
I had plenty of opportunity
to watch the TV of life.
478
00:31:37,606 --> 00:31:40,507
All summer, I never saw Erica
wear the same thing twice.
479
00:31:54,590 --> 00:31:57,423
And for Erica's sister,
Halloween came early.
480
00:31:57,593 --> 00:32:00,084
-Now say 20 Hail Marys.
-Hail Mary. Hail Mary.
481
00:32:00,262 --> 00:32:03,789
My dad couldn't figure out why
his New Guinea impatiens wouldn't grow.
482
00:32:03,966 --> 00:32:05,263
Neither could I.
483
00:32:05,434 --> 00:32:07,664
I had been watering it regularly.
484
00:32:10,272 --> 00:32:12,934
Surprisingly enough,
I earned some extra money on the side.
485
00:32:13,109 --> 00:32:14,974
Since l know you'll
be here all the time...
486
00:32:15,144 --> 00:32:17,271
...l thought you could
babysit Robert tonight.
487
00:32:17,446 --> 00:32:20,438
Hey, lady, did you ever think
that tonight might be the night...
488
00:32:20,616 --> 00:32:23,949
...
that Erica and I tried the
''wailing monkey clasping a tree'' act?
489
00:32:24,487 --> 00:32:27,513
Erica's father took
a sculpting class that summer.
490
00:32:27,690 --> 00:32:30,284
-What is it?
-lt's the baby Jesus.
491
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:35,187
l figured l'd get a little head start
on our Nativity scene for next Christmas.
492
00:32:35,364 --> 00:32:39,824
Little Jesus look more like an aborted fetus,
but I kept my mouth shut.
493
00:32:40,002 --> 00:32:41,833
Give me my plane!
494
00:32:43,706 --> 00:32:45,230
I took a liking to young Robert.
495
00:32:45,408 --> 00:32:46,534
Give me my plane!
496
00:32:47,643 --> 00:32:50,134
I was his guardian angel.
497
00:32:51,313 --> 00:32:52,837
Sort of.
498
00:32:53,015 --> 00:32:56,917
The next time this guy bothers you,
all you have to do is stand up to him.
499
00:32:57,086 --> 00:32:59,782
All bullies are cowards.
500
00:32:59,955 --> 00:33:01,252
Trust me.
501
00:33:02,024 --> 00:33:04,322
Days soon passed into weeks.
502
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,994
The guy across the street
stopped taking his wife out.
503
00:33:07,830 --> 00:33:10,958
Now he just walks
around the block alone.
504
00:33:11,133 --> 00:33:13,033
I hope she's all right.
505
00:33:13,769 --> 00:33:16,704
On Saturdays, things got a little boring.
506
00:33:16,872 --> 00:33:21,673
''What is the Sea of Galilee called
in the old Testament?''
507
00:33:22,144 --> 00:33:24,908
That's an easy one.
The Sea of Chinnereth.
508
00:33:25,448 --> 00:33:27,109
My turn.
509
00:33:28,050 --> 00:33:30,951
''Was there any money on Noah's Ark?''
510
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:32,678
-No.
-Wrong.
511
00:33:32,855 --> 00:33:35,187
The duck had a bill,
the skunk had a scent...
512
00:33:35,357 --> 00:33:37,188
...and the frog had a green back.
513
00:33:39,929 --> 00:33:42,523
Listening to Erica's parents
play Biblical Pursuit...
514
00:33:42,698 --> 00:33:45,633
...
only strengthened my resolve
to find a way to piss them off...
515
00:33:45,801 --> 00:33:47,268
...
and impress my beloved.
516
00:33:47,436 --> 00:33:49,233
I had Giuseppe working on it.
517
00:33:49,405 --> 00:33:50,838
Now pull. And pull.
518
00:33:51,006 --> 00:33:53,770
Some nights were better than others.
519
00:33:55,478 --> 00:33:57,605
All right, ladies, great workout.
520
00:33:57,780 --> 00:33:59,941
okay, great.
521
00:34:10,893 --> 00:34:15,159
But twice a month, I would hear
the most distressing sound I could hear:
522
00:34:17,533 --> 00:34:21,401
The noise of my parents making love.
523
00:34:23,072 --> 00:34:24,801
What's up, Pete?
524
00:34:27,243 --> 00:34:29,507
Hey. Anything come in the mail
for me yet?
525
00:34:30,179 --> 00:34:31,874
Nope.
526
00:34:32,615 --> 00:34:35,982
The guy across the street has found a--
A lady friend.
527
00:34:36,151 --> 00:34:37,675
l'm warning you. Don't do it.
528
00:34:37,853 --> 00:34:40,822
It wasn't until later
that I began to have suspicions...
529
00:34:40,990 --> 00:34:44,926
...
as to what the woman
was imploring him not to do.
530
00:34:45,261 --> 00:34:47,126
''Captain Nemo
walked ahead of us...
531
00:34:47,296 --> 00:34:50,265
...and his Herculean companion
strode a few steps behind us.
532
00:34:50,432 --> 00:34:52,366
Conseil and l walked side by side...
533
00:34:52,535 --> 00:34:57,097
...as if a conversation might still be possible
through our metallic helmets.
534
00:35:03,512 --> 00:35:05,707
Already l no longer felt
the weight of my suit...
535
00:35:05,881 --> 00:35:08,714
...of my lead-soled boots,
of my air tank or of my helmet....''
536
00:35:08,884 --> 00:35:13,014
More than half the summer had passed,
and everything still sucked the big one.
537
00:35:13,188 --> 00:35:16,385
I was nowhere near
my beloved objective.
538
00:35:17,159 --> 00:35:18,990
Finally, in August...
539
00:35:19,161 --> 00:35:20,958
...
Erica spoke to me.
540
00:35:21,130 --> 00:35:22,392
Peter?
541
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:32,166
Erica.
542
00:35:33,342 --> 00:35:35,003
Hi.
543
00:35:35,611 --> 00:35:39,843
l was wondering if maybe
you could help me do something.
544
00:35:40,015 --> 00:35:41,573
Anything.
545
00:35:41,750 --> 00:35:43,377
Well, my parents have grounded me...
546
00:35:43,552 --> 00:35:46,646
...and l really wanna
go see Nick tonight...
547
00:35:46,822 --> 00:35:49,222
...so l was hoping you might
help me get down.
548
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:52,827
okay.
549
00:35:52,995 --> 00:35:55,987
It was against my principles
to help Erica with Nick...
550
00:35:56,165 --> 00:35:58,463
...
but this was at least a way
to talk to her.
551
00:35:58,634 --> 00:36:00,192
And in that short skirt...
552
00:36:00,736 --> 00:36:04,035
...
I caught my first glimpse of Xanadu.
553
00:36:08,177 --> 00:36:10,236
My God, are you all right?
554
00:36:11,246 --> 00:36:12,873
l'm-- l'm fine.
555
00:36:13,048 --> 00:36:15,243
''Never better'' was more like it.
556
00:36:15,417 --> 00:36:17,783
-
That's how Erica and I began talking.
-l'm so sorry.
557
00:36:17,953 --> 00:36:21,389
Every night she would sneak out
to visit Nick, and I would help her.
558
00:36:21,557 --> 00:36:25,721
And every night, I would find
a new way for Erica to fall on me.
559
00:36:30,099 --> 00:36:31,327
Pussy Galore.
560
00:36:31,500 --> 00:36:33,900
-
And we talked.
-She was like this tough chick.
561
00:36:34,069 --> 00:36:35,536
And there is no doubt about it...
562
00:36:35,704 --> 00:36:38,764
...Roger Moore is by far
the best James Bond.
563
00:36:38,941 --> 00:36:41,910
Roger Moore? Come on.
564
00:36:42,077 --> 00:36:44,568
Everybody knows Sean Connery
is the best James Bond.
565
00:36:44,747 --> 00:36:47,272
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
566
00:36:47,449 --> 00:36:49,246
Roger Moore is the best James Bond.
567
00:36:49,418 --> 00:36:51,784
My God, what was I saying?
568
00:36:51,954 --> 00:36:55,014
Erica's beauty had more power
over me than I thought.
569
00:36:55,190 --> 00:36:59,820
l mean, for me, Sean Connery
is just way too hairy.
570
00:36:59,995 --> 00:37:04,864
And it really bugs me the way
he talks like this.
571
00:37:05,034 --> 00:37:08,060
''Where's M, Miss Moneypenny?''
572
00:37:08,237 --> 00:37:10,330
Thank God they never replaced
Desmond Llewelyn.
573
00:37:10,506 --> 00:37:12,474
He is so great as Q.
574
00:37:13,342 --> 00:37:16,402
Erica even knew that
Desmond Llewelyn played Q.
575
00:37:16,712 --> 00:37:17,940
Now I know I'm in love.
576
00:37:18,614 --> 00:37:20,639
This may sound crazy...
577
00:37:20,816 --> 00:37:24,445
...but sometimes when l'm depressed
that the world is a really terrible place...
578
00:37:24,620 --> 00:37:28,317
...l find myself sympathizing
with the Bond villains.
579
00:37:28,490 --> 00:37:30,253
-What do you mean?
-Well...
580
00:37:30,426 --> 00:37:32,917
...remember how Curt Jurgens,
in
The Spy Who Loved Me...
581
00:37:33,095 --> 00:37:35,529
...wanted to create a perfect society
under the sea?
582
00:37:35,698 --> 00:37:38,428
And in
Moonraker,
Hugo Drax wanted to do the same thing...
583
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:39,965
-...in space?
-Right.
584
00:37:40,135 --> 00:37:42,228
Well, these guys really weren't so bad.
585
00:37:42,404 --> 00:37:45,669
They were just tired of the war,
the politics, pollution and--
586
00:37:45,841 --> 00:37:47,900
And wanted to change things.
587
00:37:48,077 --> 00:37:50,739
Then this handsome womanizer
who's afraid of commitment...
588
00:37:50,913 --> 00:37:54,542
...pulls up in his fancy sports car
and messes things up...
589
00:37:54,717 --> 00:37:57,550
...just to protect the status quo.
590
00:37:57,720 --> 00:37:59,415
l mean...
591
00:37:59,588 --> 00:38:02,682
...sometimes l wish the world
could just start over, you know?
592
00:38:05,227 --> 00:38:06,956
That's deep.
593
00:38:07,129 --> 00:38:09,825
No, l think the blue M&M's,
they were a good choice.
594
00:38:09,998 --> 00:38:11,192
No way.
595
00:38:11,366 --> 00:38:13,061
I talked to her more in those weeks...
596
00:38:13,235 --> 00:38:16,534
...
than I did the previous 1 4 years
I lived across the street from her.
597
00:38:16,705 --> 00:38:20,232
So if you were to be afflicted with
either of the following, which would it be:
598
00:38:20,409 --> 00:38:23,173
Halitosis or incontinence?
599
00:38:24,713 --> 00:38:26,203
Halitosis.
600
00:38:26,381 --> 00:38:29,873
l figure l could always stock up
on breath mints.
601
00:38:30,052 --> 00:38:31,576
okay, l have one for you.
602
00:38:31,754 --> 00:38:34,848
Would you rather lose your eyesight...
603
00:38:35,023 --> 00:38:37,389
...or the use of both of your legs?
604
00:38:37,793 --> 00:38:39,260
-That's too hard.
-No.
605
00:38:39,428 --> 00:38:41,862
Come on. You have to answer.
Those are the rules.
606
00:38:42,598 --> 00:38:45,965
Probably, l'd lose my eyesight.
607
00:38:46,135 --> 00:38:48,899
Your face is etched into my memory.
608
00:38:49,071 --> 00:38:53,371
l'd always be able to see you,
and with my legs...
609
00:38:53,542 --> 00:38:55,840
...l could still make love to you.
610
00:39:00,482 --> 00:39:02,712
Good night, Peter.
611
00:39:03,485 --> 00:39:04,679
Night.
612
00:40:11,119 --> 00:40:12,450
Hey.
613
00:40:14,323 --> 00:40:15,915
What's up?
614
00:40:16,925 --> 00:40:19,325
You promise you're not gonna laugh?
615
00:40:19,862 --> 00:40:21,329
Sure.
616
00:40:26,835 --> 00:40:29,998
-Come on. You said you wouldn't laugh.
-l'm sorry.
617
00:40:31,406 --> 00:40:33,704
-Can l feel?
-Knock it off.
618
00:40:34,409 --> 00:40:36,400
Look, l was trying to
spice up my love life...
619
00:40:36,578 --> 00:40:38,773
...and my parents came home
a little bit early.
620
00:40:38,947 --> 00:40:41,643
They wanted to talk to me
and ended up searching for me.
621
00:40:41,817 --> 00:40:45,685
So l figured the best thing to do
was just get out of the house.
622
00:40:46,221 --> 00:40:48,883
Here, unhook me.
623
00:40:49,825 --> 00:40:51,292
l don't know how girls do this...
624
00:40:51,460 --> 00:40:53,792
...because this thing
was a bitch to get on.
625
00:40:54,129 --> 00:40:55,562
Come on.
626
00:40:55,731 --> 00:40:57,460
Yeah, it's a bitch.
627
00:40:57,900 --> 00:41:00,767
Here. Can you hang on to it
till l can sneak it back in?
628
00:41:00,936 --> 00:41:02,631
And stop smirking.
629
00:41:02,804 --> 00:41:05,432
l'm not the first guy that's tried this.
630
00:41:06,575 --> 00:41:08,975
What does that Kinsey book say about it?
631
00:41:12,247 --> 00:41:15,683
l think maybe you should
give it a rest for a while.
632
00:41:15,851 --> 00:41:18,479
You know, save some for your true love.
633
00:41:19,688 --> 00:41:23,089
Peter, remember that story
we read in seventh grade...
634
00:41:23,258 --> 00:41:26,125
...the one in
Scholastic Magazine
about the heroin addict...
635
00:41:26,295 --> 00:41:28,889
...who was so whacked out
that he pulled out his eyeballs?
636
00:41:29,264 --> 00:41:32,165
They said the dude's eyeballs
was hanging down below his knees...
637
00:41:32,334 --> 00:41:34,268
...still attached to his veins
or something.
638
00:41:34,436 --> 00:41:35,562
-Yeah, l remember.
-Yeah.
639
00:41:35,737 --> 00:41:37,227
Well, it wasn't true.
640
00:41:37,406 --> 00:41:39,567
They just printed that to scare us.
641
00:41:39,741 --> 00:41:42,437
Look, it's all propaganda, Pete.
642
00:41:42,611 --> 00:41:44,545
Just like true love is.
643
00:41:44,713 --> 00:41:48,513
You know what?
You and me ain't never gonna find it.
644
00:41:52,854 --> 00:41:56,517
Did you see that 0.3 percent of all males
succeed in self-fellatio?
645
00:41:56,692 --> 00:42:00,150
Have you noticed the guy across the street
never takes his wife out anymore?
646
00:42:00,329 --> 00:42:01,728
No.
647
00:42:02,531 --> 00:42:04,999
Anything come in the mail for me yet?
648
00:42:05,167 --> 00:42:09,103
Remember that weird conversation
we saw him having with that woman?
649
00:42:09,271 --> 00:42:12,536
And she was saying,
''Don't do it. Don't do it.''
650
00:42:13,342 --> 00:42:14,866
Yeah.
651
00:42:15,043 --> 00:42:18,535
Hey, maybe the other woman's
his lover, right?
652
00:42:18,714 --> 00:42:20,648
And he says, ''l'm gonna kill my wife.''
653
00:42:20,816 --> 00:42:24,513
And she says,
''No, don't do it. Don't do it.''
654
00:42:24,686 --> 00:42:26,415
You think?
655
00:42:26,922 --> 00:42:30,517
Well, l know if my wife were an invalid,
l'd be that horny.
656
00:42:30,692 --> 00:42:32,489
You're sick.
657
00:42:32,661 --> 00:42:34,891
Come on, Pete, everybody is.
658
00:42:35,063 --> 00:42:37,395
The question is...
659
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:41,226
...what's he done with her body?
660
00:42:49,578 --> 00:42:52,342
How exactly would you go about...
661
00:42:52,514 --> 00:42:54,948
...cutting up a dead body?
662
00:42:56,118 --> 00:42:58,211
Well, that's a hacksaw.
663
00:42:58,954 --> 00:43:00,353
Me?
664
00:43:01,256 --> 00:43:02,814
l'd use a chain saw.
665
00:43:21,676 --> 00:43:24,304
The next day, little Robert
decided to take my advice...
666
00:43:24,479 --> 00:43:26,674
...
and stand up
to the tyranny of assholes.
667
00:43:41,897 --> 00:43:43,455
Little Robert was all right.
668
00:43:43,632 --> 00:43:46,499
He only needed
40 stitches and two casts.
669
00:43:46,668 --> 00:43:50,661
But I began to wonder whether I should've
tampered with the cosmic order of things.
670
00:43:52,374 --> 00:43:56,310
I was practicing my one-handed technique
when disaster struck.
671
00:43:57,679 --> 00:44:00,204
Nick and Erica had
just come back from the lake.
672
00:44:00,949 --> 00:44:04,680
Unfortunately, Erica's parents
let her out once in a while.
673
00:44:06,855 --> 00:44:09,187
No, come on.
You remember in that one movie.
674
00:44:09,357 --> 00:44:11,723
l mean, that just proves
that Roger Moore...
675
00:44:11,893 --> 00:44:13,758
...is by far the best James Bond.
676
00:44:13,929 --> 00:44:16,397
Erica looked great, of course.
677
00:44:16,565 --> 00:44:19,056
He's all right, l agree he's not bad.
678
00:44:19,234 --> 00:44:23,694
But I nearly hurled
at the sight of Nick in his Speedo.
679
00:44:24,439 --> 00:44:25,736
He was huge!
680
00:44:25,907 --> 00:44:29,365
He immediately makes you think
of the words ''Apollo
rocket. ''
681
00:44:29,544 --> 00:44:31,444
How the hell was I gonna
compete with that?
682
00:44:31,613 --> 00:44:36,277
I was India's space program
compared to his Cape Kennedy.
683
00:44:36,551 --> 00:44:39,577
Hey, you brought the protection, right?
684
00:44:39,955 --> 00:44:42,423
The protection?!
Where were her parents?
685
00:44:42,924 --> 00:44:45,324
Where was Christ's vice squad
when I needed them most?
686
00:44:45,494 --> 00:44:46,756
Come in,
Apollo 1 2.
687
00:44:46,928 --> 00:44:48,691
We have you cleared for takeoff.
688
00:44:48,864 --> 00:44:52,459
Roger that, mission control.
We are ready for liftoff.
689
00:44:53,101 --> 00:44:55,865
We have liftoff in 1 0, nine--
690
00:44:56,037 --> 00:44:57,368
I had to do something.
691
00:44:57,539 --> 00:45:00,167
I had to abort Nick's trip to Venus.
692
00:45:00,342 --> 00:45:02,037
I did the only thing I could think of.
693
00:45:02,210 --> 00:45:04,007
--two, one.
694
00:45:16,024 --> 00:45:17,582
I don't know why this came to me.
695
00:45:17,759 --> 00:45:20,284
It must have been
a word association with ''come. ''
696
00:45:47,355 --> 00:45:48,913
It seemed to do the trick.
697
00:45:49,090 --> 00:45:50,717
Nick, stop.
698
00:45:50,892 --> 00:45:53,292
Apollo 1 2, we've had a malfunction.
699
00:45:53,461 --> 00:45:54,689
Abort liftoff.
700
00:45:56,364 --> 00:45:58,229
I had visions
that I could take Nick out...
701
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:00,527
...
with my expert knowledge
of the martial arts.
702
00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:07,030
Finish him!
703
00:46:07,642 --> 00:46:09,473
But that's not what happened.
704
00:46:11,313 --> 00:46:14,544
Towering above me, Nick hawked
the biggest loogie ever.
705
00:46:14,716 --> 00:46:17,776
I trembled,
knowing it was intended for me.
706
00:46:20,689 --> 00:46:22,657
oh, my God.
707
00:46:23,625 --> 00:46:25,456
You stuff.
708
00:46:26,294 --> 00:46:27,693
You stuff.
709
00:46:35,804 --> 00:46:37,533
lf you tell anybody, you're dead.
710
00:46:48,450 --> 00:46:50,975
Houston, we have liftoff.
711
00:47:12,507 --> 00:47:15,203
-Dad, what are you doing?
-Having a yard sale.
712
00:47:15,377 --> 00:47:16,844
This is my stuff.
713
00:47:17,012 --> 00:47:19,947
Since you don't live with us anymore,
didn't figure you needed it.
714
00:47:20,115 --> 00:47:22,049
How much for
the Sandy Koufax baseball card?
715
00:47:22,217 --> 00:47:23,445
What, 25 cents?
716
00:47:23,618 --> 00:47:25,882
That's a collector's edition.
lt's worth 50 bucks.
717
00:47:26,054 --> 00:47:27,248
Really?
718
00:47:27,422 --> 00:47:29,686
Twenty-five cents and not a cent less.
719
00:47:29,858 --> 00:47:32,019
-Sold.
-Thanks.
720
00:47:35,297 --> 00:47:37,231
Mom.
721
00:47:37,699 --> 00:47:39,894
oh, how much for
the electric toothbrush?
722
00:47:40,068 --> 00:47:41,933
For you, a special price.
723
00:47:42,103 --> 00:47:44,230
-A buck.
-Yeah.
724
00:47:44,406 --> 00:47:46,271
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
725
00:47:47,275 --> 00:47:48,537
Matt, what are you doing?
726
00:47:48,710 --> 00:47:50,268
l use one of these at my grandma's.
727
00:47:50,445 --> 00:47:53,414
lf you do it right,
feels just like a vibrator.
728
00:47:53,581 --> 00:47:56,778
Figlio, what the hell are you doing
with your boy's things?
729
00:47:56,951 --> 00:48:00,250
-Dad, they're not his things.
-Give you $5 for this collection of
Playpen.
730
00:48:00,422 --> 00:48:02,322
-l give you 6!
-You're not a customer.
731
00:48:02,490 --> 00:48:05,015
-You have no right to sell his things!
-Pages are sticky.
732
00:48:05,193 --> 00:48:06,490
-That's disgusting.
-No right!
733
00:48:06,661 --> 00:48:08,959
-okay, 4 bucks.
-Four bucks?
734
00:48:09,130 --> 00:48:10,563
No, no, no. No!
735
00:48:10,732 --> 00:48:13,895
-You have no right! You--
-All right.
736
00:48:14,069 --> 00:48:16,094
-Papa?
-Nonno?
737
00:48:16,671 --> 00:48:18,263
What's the matter?
Are you all right?
738
00:48:18,440 --> 00:48:20,340
-Papa!
-okay. okay.
739
00:48:20,508 --> 00:48:22,135
Give the man some room. Clear out.
740
00:48:22,310 --> 00:48:23,538
Good old Nonno.
741
00:48:23,712 --> 00:48:26,476
He saved the best trick
in his arsenal for now.
742
00:48:26,648 --> 00:48:30,482
He was so convincing, I almost believed
he was having a heart attack.
743
00:48:30,652 --> 00:48:32,916
-Yard sale's over!
-Papa, speak to me!
744
00:48:33,088 --> 00:48:35,784
-Good one, Nonno.
-ls anyone a doctor?
745
00:48:35,957 --> 00:48:38,983
Please, we need some help here!
746
00:48:44,532 --> 00:48:46,523
-l don't know what we can do.
-What's happening?
747
00:48:46,701 --> 00:48:48,259
What is wrong?
748
00:48:48,436 --> 00:48:49,698
-Daddy.
-He's not breathing.
749
00:48:49,871 --> 00:48:51,805
-What do you mean?
-He doesn't have a pulse.
750
00:48:51,973 --> 00:48:53,406
Somebody call 91 1 .
751
00:48:53,575 --> 00:48:55,304
-Somebody call 91 1 !
-Please call 91 1 !
752
00:48:55,610 --> 00:48:58,738
-Nonno.
-Do it now! Hurry! Hurry!
753
00:48:58,913 --> 00:49:00,141
Nonno.
754
00:49:01,049 --> 00:49:02,607
Tell them you're faking. Come on.
755
00:49:02,784 --> 00:49:04,308
-Are you faking, Daddy?
-Come on.
756
00:49:04,486 --> 00:49:05,976
He's not faking. What--? Faking?
757
00:49:06,154 --> 00:49:08,884
Papa-- Papa, speak to me.
758
00:49:09,924 --> 00:49:11,482
oh, no.
759
00:49:20,769 --> 00:49:24,330
I didn't stand under Erica's window
for the next couple of days.
760
00:49:24,506 --> 00:49:26,474
I figured I was allowed.
761
00:49:26,641 --> 00:49:28,973
My dad blamed me
for what happened.
762
00:49:29,144 --> 00:49:32,113
He said if I still decided
to continue with my lunacy...
763
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:34,441
...
he would continue to lock me out.
764
00:49:34,616 --> 00:49:35,981
With an asshole like my dad...
765
00:49:36,151 --> 00:49:39,518
...
I'm surprised I didn't inherit
the asshole gene.
766
00:49:52,267 --> 00:49:54,963
ls that what l think it is?
767
00:49:57,338 --> 00:49:58,669
Jesus.
768
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:03,174
l'm getting excited right after
my grandfather's own funeral.
769
00:50:03,344 --> 00:50:05,471
You must think l'm sick.
770
00:50:08,316 --> 00:50:13,049
l just think it means Nonno's spirit
runs strong in you.
771
00:50:25,300 --> 00:50:28,167
Hey. Brought back
your electric toothbrush.
772
00:50:32,140 --> 00:50:33,368
How thoughtful.
773
00:50:33,541 --> 00:50:37,033
You know, it doesn't vibrate as good
as l thought it would. Here, feel.
774
00:50:37,212 --> 00:50:41,148
No, l'm not touching that,
let alone putting it in my mouth.
775
00:50:41,316 --> 00:50:44,911
-l washed it off. l swear.
-Just keep it.
776
00:50:45,086 --> 00:50:50,388
You're just in a crappy mood because you
realize this Romeo act is a dumb-ass idea.
777
00:50:50,725 --> 00:50:53,353
l haven't decided whether
to give this up yet.
778
00:50:53,528 --> 00:50:57,862
Erica was so sweet today,
you could have poured her over pancakes.
779
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:02,527
But she hasn't given me any indication
that l have a chance with her.
780
00:51:02,704 --> 00:51:04,001
Well, l'll tell you.
781
00:51:04,172 --> 00:51:06,936
The fact that Nick's giving her
the old Roto-Rooter...
782
00:51:07,108 --> 00:51:09,099
...ain't a good sign.
783
00:51:09,277 --> 00:51:12,974
Nonno was the only one
who thought this was a good idea.
784
00:51:13,515 --> 00:51:17,383
Maybe l should just bite the big one
and call it quits.
785
00:51:17,919 --> 00:51:20,285
Bite away, my friend.
786
00:51:22,123 --> 00:51:23,317
Stop it!
787
00:51:23,491 --> 00:51:26,324
Stop it! Stop!
788
00:51:39,674 --> 00:51:40,902
You see?
789
00:51:41,075 --> 00:51:43,703
Nice guys don't always finish last.
790
00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:47,145
You're not gonna give up now, are you?
791
00:51:50,151 --> 00:51:51,982
-Nope.
-oh, man.
792
00:51:52,153 --> 00:51:55,145
Your grandfather croaking
was your perfect out.
793
00:51:57,992 --> 00:51:59,960
I started reading Casanova.
794
00:52:00,128 --> 00:52:02,995
I didn't know he got syphilis five times.
795
00:52:03,164 --> 00:52:04,825
I should be so lucky.
796
00:52:04,999 --> 00:52:06,523
The excitement of the past days...
797
00:52:06,701 --> 00:52:10,330
...
had completely lobotomized me to
what was going on across the street until...
798
00:52:10,505 --> 00:52:12,632
...
I saw my man carry out
some suspicious bags...
799
00:52:12,807 --> 00:52:15,776
...
and put them in the trunk of his car.
800
00:52:37,165 --> 00:52:40,692
A couple of nights later,
I had an unexpected visitor.
801
00:52:41,469 --> 00:52:43,403
It was Ms. Lewis...
802
00:52:43,571 --> 00:52:46,540
...
the pretty divorcée
from down the street.
803
00:52:46,708 --> 00:52:50,337
Her body was smoldering
like a lit cigarette.
804
00:52:53,548 --> 00:52:55,675
Hello, Peter.
805
00:52:56,884 --> 00:52:58,681
Ms. Lewis.
806
00:52:58,853 --> 00:53:01,822
l was hoping you could cut my grass.
807
00:53:03,524 --> 00:53:05,958
l'm not mowing lawns this year.
808
00:53:06,527 --> 00:53:08,620
l'll make it worth your while.
809
00:53:08,796 --> 00:53:10,354
And...
810
00:53:10,531 --> 00:53:12,931
...you won't have to bag it.
811
00:53:14,769 --> 00:53:16,794
l can't.
812
00:53:17,305 --> 00:53:19,296
What am l to do?
813
00:53:20,642 --> 00:53:25,409
lt needs to be cut at least twice a week.
814
00:53:25,580 --> 00:53:30,176
lt grows so fast.
815
00:53:30,351 --> 00:53:31,613
She was coming on to me.
816
00:53:31,786 --> 00:53:33,310
I was paralyzed.
817
00:53:33,488 --> 00:53:35,115
I didn't know what to do.
818
00:53:35,289 --> 00:53:39,089
Fortunately, I didn't have to do anything.
She did it all.
819
00:53:40,595 --> 00:53:43,155
I thought, ''This might be my chance.
820
00:53:43,331 --> 00:53:47,165
If Erica comes to the balcony and sees me
with another woman, she'll be jealous. ''
821
00:53:47,635 --> 00:53:49,967
Stay away from him. He's my man.
822
00:53:50,138 --> 00:53:53,505
Then I had a fear that Erica was
the type of girl who would enjoy watching.
823
00:53:55,810 --> 00:53:57,869
I decided to put my all into it.
824
00:53:58,046 --> 00:54:01,846
If Erica saw how good I was,
she would want me even more.
825
00:54:04,485 --> 00:54:08,182
But I also worried she might be as harsh on
my performance as an East German judge.
826
00:54:10,458 --> 00:54:13,018
What was I doing?
If Erica sees me like this...
827
00:54:13,194 --> 00:54:15,992
...
I would jeopardize all
I had worked for all summer.
828
00:54:16,164 --> 00:54:20,032
I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis was
most persuasive.
829
00:54:20,201 --> 00:54:21,896
How could I tell her no now?
830
00:54:22,070 --> 00:54:26,336
I tried to think of anything
other than sex.
831
00:54:36,818 --> 00:54:38,649
What happened?
832
00:54:42,924 --> 00:54:44,824
l don't know.
833
00:54:44,992 --> 00:54:48,450
Maybe now's not a good time.
834
00:54:48,629 --> 00:54:50,392
Perhaps it's....
835
00:54:50,565 --> 00:54:54,262
Perhaps it's because l've been trying
to get this girl to notice me.
836
00:54:55,636 --> 00:54:58,104
Yes, l know.
837
00:54:59,006 --> 00:55:02,464
l know all about it.
lt's what makes you so exciting.
838
00:55:04,112 --> 00:55:06,080
l'm sorry.
839
00:55:11,419 --> 00:55:13,080
Hey!
840
00:55:16,991 --> 00:55:18,185
What happened to you?
841
00:55:18,359 --> 00:55:21,726
l tried to become part
of that 0.3 percent.
842
00:55:23,064 --> 00:55:24,725
What do you mean?
843
00:55:27,301 --> 00:55:29,565
Your Kinsey reports.
844
00:55:29,737 --> 00:55:32,797
l tried to suck myself off
and l hurt my neck.
845
00:55:32,974 --> 00:55:35,636
Now l gotta wear this stupid thing.
846
00:55:36,377 --> 00:55:39,710
-Hey, anything come in the mail for me yet?
-Nope.
847
00:55:39,881 --> 00:55:41,815
What's the matter with you?
848
00:55:42,717 --> 00:55:44,082
Nothing.
849
00:55:44,252 --> 00:55:45,719
Something's wrong.
850
00:55:45,887 --> 00:55:47,286
Nothing's wrong.
851
00:55:47,455 --> 00:55:49,650
Yes, there is.
852
00:55:49,824 --> 00:55:51,291
See...
853
00:55:51,459 --> 00:55:55,987
...normally, you would have asked me
if l succeeded in my venture of self-fellatio.
854
00:55:56,164 --> 00:55:58,155
But you didn't ask that.
855
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:01,265
Well, did you?
856
00:56:01,435 --> 00:56:04,893
l will only tell you
when you tell me what's wrong.
857
00:56:07,942 --> 00:56:09,307
okay.
858
00:56:09,477 --> 00:56:10,910
l succeeded.
859
00:56:11,078 --> 00:56:13,046
-No, you didn't.
-Yeah.
860
00:56:13,214 --> 00:56:14,579
only for a second, though...
861
00:56:14,749 --> 00:56:17,513
...before l snapped something
in my neck.
862
00:56:17,685 --> 00:56:20,347
Did you know it tastes like roast beef?
863
00:56:20,521 --> 00:56:22,489
Which l actually found reassuring.
864
00:56:22,657 --> 00:56:25,421
See, l always thought that
girls must hate giving head...
865
00:56:25,593 --> 00:56:29,529
...but if you think about it,
it's kind of like a trip to the Sizzler.
866
00:56:30,698 --> 00:56:32,723
Come on, tell me what's bothering you.
867
00:56:34,335 --> 00:56:36,394
l'm running out of time.
868
00:56:36,571 --> 00:56:38,630
Erica leaves for college
in a couple of weeks.
869
00:56:38,806 --> 00:56:40,831
l'm beginning to think
this isn't gonna work.
870
00:56:41,008 --> 00:56:43,169
She probably thinks l'm
even more of a schmuck.
871
00:56:43,344 --> 00:56:44,777
Yeah, well, l told you so.
872
00:56:44,946 --> 00:56:47,210
l don't need to hear that from you.
873
00:56:47,381 --> 00:56:49,474
You're supposed to be my friend.
874
00:56:49,650 --> 00:56:52,676
l was just trying to give you
some good advice.
875
00:56:52,854 --> 00:56:54,378
Advice.
876
00:56:55,022 --> 00:56:56,956
Why would l take advice from a guy...
877
00:56:57,124 --> 00:57:00,389
...who broke his neck
trying to suck his own dick?
878
00:57:00,561 --> 00:57:02,791
Because l am enterprising.
879
00:57:05,132 --> 00:57:08,568
There was one thing I hadn't tried yet
to become Erica's love slave...
880
00:57:08,736 --> 00:57:11,569
...
and that was impressing her
by pissing her parents off.
881
00:57:11,739 --> 00:57:14,037
Giuseppe had been working on a plan.
882
00:57:14,208 --> 00:57:16,608
We were just waiting
for the right opportunity.
883
00:57:17,378 --> 00:57:18,902
Finally it presented itself.
884
00:57:19,413 --> 00:57:23,645
Erica's father and his friends were
competing for some Easter pageant contest.
885
00:57:23,818 --> 00:57:25,479
One where 1 2 guys in bed sheets...
886
00:57:25,653 --> 00:57:29,453
...
hold a pose of Leonardo da Vinci's
Last Supper
for over five minutes.
887
00:57:29,624 --> 00:57:31,922
The team with the best tableau
gets to perform it...
888
00:57:32,093 --> 00:57:35,256
...
at the National Cathedral
for the president or something.
889
00:57:37,899 --> 00:57:39,799
Darn it, Phil. You moved.
890
00:57:39,967 --> 00:57:42,197
l couldn't help it. l had an itch.
891
00:57:42,370 --> 00:57:44,497
We were only two minutes
and 1 3 seconds into it.
892
00:57:44,672 --> 00:57:48,472
We're gonna have to hold it twice that long
if we stand any chance to win this thing.
893
00:57:48,643 --> 00:57:51,373
lt's easy for you.
You get to rest your elbows on the table.
894
00:57:51,545 --> 00:57:53,877
Try holding your arms out
like this for five minutes.
895
00:57:54,048 --> 00:57:56,573
-lt's not that hard.
-Yeah? Then you try it.
896
00:57:56,751 --> 00:57:59,083
Why do you get to be Jesus every year?
897
00:57:59,387 --> 00:58:02,288
Because l organize this thing.
l'm the leader.
898
00:58:02,456 --> 00:58:04,185
l'm tired of playing Judas
all the time.
899
00:58:04,358 --> 00:58:06,519
Come on, Phil. You make a great Judas.
900
00:58:08,095 --> 00:58:09,722
What is that supposed to mean?
901
00:58:11,565 --> 00:58:14,125
And where do you think
you're going, young lady?
902
00:58:14,302 --> 00:58:16,702
Nick got tickets to Lollapalooza,
so we're going.
903
00:58:16,871 --> 00:58:19,533
Well, don't you remember?
l banned you from going out.
904
00:58:19,707 --> 00:58:21,607
Can't you make an exception
this one time?
905
00:58:21,776 --> 00:58:23,471
No! You're not leaving this house.
906
00:58:23,644 --> 00:58:26,408
Dad, what are you talking about?
This is not fair!
907
00:58:26,881 --> 00:58:28,746
lt is time, my friend.
908
00:58:28,916 --> 00:58:31,976
-You're treating me like l'm 1 0!
-You're acting like you're 1 0!
909
00:58:32,153 --> 00:58:34,417
Now, l don't enjoy doing this,
but it is my resp--
910
00:58:34,588 --> 00:58:37,216
Let her go, or the baby Jesus gets it.
911
00:58:38,225 --> 00:58:39,920
Peter. Wha--?
912
00:58:40,394 --> 00:58:41,759
l mean it.
913
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:50,058
l cannot have you desecrate
the baby Jesus.
914
00:58:52,173 --> 00:58:53,731
All right, Erica.
915
00:58:53,908 --> 00:58:55,569
You may go.
916
00:59:00,948 --> 00:59:02,540
Now give him to me.
917
00:59:02,717 --> 00:59:06,676
l'll give him back at the end of the summer,
when Erica leaves for college.
918
00:59:06,854 --> 00:59:09,049
lt's not fair you keep her
locked up in here.
919
00:59:09,223 --> 00:59:11,248
Why, you-- Get him!
920
00:59:24,438 --> 00:59:26,235
So how do you think Jesus
really feels...
921
00:59:26,407 --> 00:59:29,399
...about having his name
on all those bumper stickers?
922
00:59:38,719 --> 00:59:41,882
So my father's pretty pissed.
923
00:59:42,923 --> 00:59:44,254
Yeah.
924
00:59:47,028 --> 00:59:49,360
You didn't have to do that, you know.
925
00:59:51,632 --> 00:59:53,429
l wanted to.
926
00:59:56,203 --> 00:59:57,727
Thanks.
927
01:00:07,748 --> 01:00:09,773
Well, good night.
928
01:00:20,928 --> 01:00:23,522
What? She only gave you
a peck on the cheek...
929
01:00:23,697 --> 01:00:25,096
...after what you did for her?
930
01:00:25,266 --> 01:00:27,063
l know. What does that mean?
931
01:00:27,234 --> 01:00:28,701
l'll tell you what it means.
932
01:00:28,869 --> 01:00:32,771
lt means you ain't never gonna make
the beast with two backs with her, friend.
933
01:00:32,940 --> 01:00:35,170
l don't know.
We've been talking a lot lately.
934
01:00:35,576 --> 01:00:37,806
Yeah, sure. You're in the friend zone.
935
01:00:37,978 --> 01:00:40,674
-ls that bad?
-Bad? lt's the worst.
936
01:00:40,848 --> 01:00:42,440
Come on. Girls don't want a friend.
937
01:00:42,616 --> 01:00:44,584
They want a human piston.
938
01:00:44,752 --> 01:00:49,280
Well, maybe l still got a chance at becoming
her ''human piston,'' as you put it.
939
01:00:49,457 --> 01:00:50,822
We're not that good of friends.
940
01:00:50,991 --> 01:00:53,516
Are you kidding me?
You're doing life in the friend zone.
941
01:00:53,694 --> 01:00:56,629
-You think so?
-l know so.
942
01:01:03,003 --> 01:01:07,440
So, what's up with our psycho killer
over there across the street?
943
01:01:07,608 --> 01:01:12,102
Well, l snuck over there the other night
to take a peek at what he was up to.
944
01:01:12,279 --> 01:01:15,271
-He nearly caught me.
-See, l told you. l knew it.
945
01:01:15,449 --> 01:01:17,713
-The guy's nuts.
-l'm not so sure.
946
01:01:18,319 --> 01:01:22,050
Past couple of nights l've seen him take
garbage bags out filled with something.
947
01:01:22,223 --> 01:01:25,386
Bet you he's taking his wife out
piece by piece.
948
01:01:25,559 --> 01:01:27,959
lt's a lot of bags for just one person.
949
01:01:28,129 --> 01:01:30,256
Maybe he's taking out
his whole family.
950
01:01:30,431 --> 01:01:32,922
l know l've thought about it myself.
951
01:01:33,367 --> 01:01:35,232
l don't think he has any family.
952
01:01:36,437 --> 01:01:37,461
lt's here, man.
953
01:01:37,938 --> 01:01:39,371
-There you go.
-Yes, it's here!
954
01:01:39,540 --> 01:01:42,407
-Look, dude, it's finally here!
-What's finally here?
955
01:01:42,576 --> 01:01:44,373
lt's an orgasmatron.
956
01:01:44,545 --> 01:01:46,035
l ordered it in
Shaved magazine.
957
01:01:46,213 --> 01:01:47,703
Check it out. See?
958
01:01:47,882 --> 01:01:50,043
lt runs on battery or AC.
959
01:01:50,217 --> 01:01:52,310
lt's a new era, Pete.
960
01:01:52,486 --> 01:01:55,478
You know they have a name now
for electronic sex?
961
01:01:55,656 --> 01:01:57,988
-What's that?
-''Dildonics.''
962
01:01:58,159 --> 01:01:59,592
Pretty cool.
963
01:02:01,028 --> 01:02:03,394
Dildonics.
964
01:02:03,564 --> 01:02:06,362
lt kind of makes you sound like a homo.
965
01:02:08,769 --> 01:02:10,794
l never thought of it like that.
966
01:02:10,971 --> 01:02:14,065
Anyway, it's a bold new frontier, man.
967
01:02:14,241 --> 01:02:16,675
l'll let you borrow it any time you want.
968
01:02:23,484 --> 01:02:24,815
That's okay.
969
01:02:24,985 --> 01:02:27,180
Listen, with the way
things are going with you...
970
01:02:27,354 --> 01:02:30,585
...you may wanna consider
my plan of self-sufficiency.
971
01:02:35,462 --> 01:02:38,295
The friend zone had
an incredible hold on me.
972
01:02:38,465 --> 01:02:41,366
I couldn't escape its hellish grasp.
973
01:02:41,535 --> 01:02:44,993
So who would you rather be:
Paul McCartney or John Lennon?
974
01:02:45,172 --> 01:02:46,969
That's obvious. John Lennon.
975
01:02:47,141 --> 01:02:48,608
Yeah, but you'd be dead now.
976
01:02:48,776 --> 01:02:51,870
So what? At least l'd be
the coolest of all the Beatles.
977
01:02:52,446 --> 01:02:55,745
l don't know. He did marry Yoko ono.
978
01:02:55,916 --> 01:02:59,443
People underestimate Paul McCartney.
He's written some pretty good music.
979
01:02:59,620 --> 01:03:01,645
Like ''Ebony and lvory''?
980
01:03:02,790 --> 01:03:04,849
okay. You're right.
981
01:03:05,025 --> 01:03:07,892
You know, l don't think it'd be so hard
being a songwriter.
982
01:03:08,062 --> 01:03:10,223
-oh, yeah?
-l mean, if you're a novelist...
983
01:03:10,397 --> 01:03:12,661
...you have to come up with
every sentence, every word.
984
01:03:12,833 --> 01:03:15,859
lf you're a businessman,
your reports have to be well-thought-out...
985
01:03:16,036 --> 01:03:19,301
-...with sound financial conclusions, right?
-Right.
986
01:03:19,473 --> 01:03:22,840
But if you're a songwriter, and you can't
figure out how to end a song...
987
01:03:23,010 --> 01:03:25,035
...you just fade out.
988
01:03:25,212 --> 01:03:26,372
lt's easy.
989
01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:28,307
Yeah. You're right.
990
01:03:28,482 --> 01:03:32,248
What other job lets you finish it up
by just fading out?
991
01:03:32,886 --> 01:03:34,581
A film director.
992
01:03:40,227 --> 01:03:42,127
So it went on like this.
993
01:03:42,296 --> 01:03:46,426
Maybe Erica was right.
We were just friends.
994
01:03:46,600 --> 01:03:50,001
You never told me. What's the worst thing
your parents ever did to you?
995
01:03:50,337 --> 01:03:52,430
l guess the worst thing
my dad ever did...
996
01:03:52,606 --> 01:03:55,905
...was speak at career day
to my third-grade class.
997
01:03:56,076 --> 01:04:00,274
He talked for over half an hour
about the joys of being a radiologist...
998
01:04:00,447 --> 01:04:05,077
...and then proceeded to treat
the entire class to a chocolate barium.
999
01:04:05,252 --> 01:04:06,981
That's bad.
1000
01:04:08,555 --> 01:04:09,647
So, what about you?
1001
01:04:10,758 --> 01:04:13,192
lt must have been the time l was 5.
1002
01:04:13,360 --> 01:04:16,124
My dad and l were at
the Lighthouse Christian Store.
1003
01:04:16,297 --> 01:04:18,094
lt was January...
1004
01:04:18,265 --> 01:04:20,233
...and he was buying Christmas cards.
1005
01:04:20,401 --> 01:04:23,199
He always does that.
Buys Christmas cards in January...
1006
01:04:23,370 --> 01:04:25,770
...when the previous year's selection
go on sale.
1007
01:04:25,939 --> 01:04:27,770
Anyway, l had just learned to count.
1008
01:04:27,941 --> 01:04:29,465
So l was always counting things...
1009
01:04:29,643 --> 01:04:33,044
...like the number of stop lights
on the way to the store, stuff like that.
1010
01:04:33,213 --> 01:04:35,704
When the cashier gave my dad
his change back...
1011
01:04:35,883 --> 01:04:38,875
...l had noticed that she'd given him
the wrong amount.
1012
01:04:39,053 --> 01:04:41,783
She'd given him too much.
1013
01:04:41,955 --> 01:04:45,391
And l looked up at my dad,
and he had noticed too.
1014
01:04:45,559 --> 01:04:46,821
But he didn't do anything.
1015
01:04:47,628 --> 01:04:51,291
He just took the money
and put it in his wallet, and we left.
1016
01:04:53,167 --> 01:04:55,499
lt was right then, l guess...
1017
01:04:55,669 --> 01:04:59,264
...that l stopped believing
my parents were perfect people.
1018
01:05:02,543 --> 01:05:04,135
Well...
1019
01:05:04,611 --> 01:05:06,340
...good night, Peter.
1020
01:05:09,583 --> 01:05:10,948
Night.
1021
01:05:12,853 --> 01:05:17,313
If Erica had lost all trust in her parents,
how could she trust anything?
1022
01:05:18,025 --> 01:05:20,425
How could she trust that I loved her?
1023
01:05:20,794 --> 01:05:23,319
I was beginning to think Matt was right.
1024
01:05:23,497 --> 01:05:26,125
I had tried everything
to win over my beloved Erica...
1025
01:05:26,300 --> 01:05:28,825
...
but nothing had worked.
Nothing was going to work.
1026
01:05:29,002 --> 01:05:31,027
It had only stranded me
in the friend zone...
1027
01:05:31,205 --> 01:05:34,174
...
like Charlton Heston being marooned
in the Planet of the Apes.
1028
01:05:34,341 --> 01:05:36,809
I was so unhappy,
whereas my best bud, Matt...
1029
01:05:36,977 --> 01:05:40,674
...
had fallen in love with a robot
which gives blowjobs.
1030
01:05:42,216 --> 01:05:45,879
Maybe I was the strange one, not him.
At least he was happy.
1031
01:05:48,188 --> 01:05:51,123
My dick! My dick!
1032
01:06:23,290 --> 01:06:25,224
Here, you try.
1033
01:06:26,360 --> 01:06:27,588
lt's silly.
1034
01:06:27,761 --> 01:06:30,025
So? lt's fun.
lt'll make you feel like a kid again.
1035
01:06:30,197 --> 01:06:31,994
Now, go on.
1036
01:06:32,166 --> 01:06:33,394
That's it.
1037
01:06:33,867 --> 01:06:36,495
Go, have fun.
1038
01:07:31,825 --> 01:07:34,293
You know,
everybody thinks you're crazy.
1039
01:07:34,461 --> 01:07:36,053
So what?
1040
01:07:37,364 --> 01:07:38,763
Well....
1041
01:07:38,932 --> 01:07:41,457
l mean, you gotta admit,
you do some pretty weird things.
1042
01:07:41,635 --> 01:07:43,569
l don't think so.
1043
01:07:44,872 --> 01:07:46,533
Well...
1044
01:07:46,974 --> 01:07:50,375
...explain why you sometimes
go out to your car and eat dinner.
1045
01:07:50,544 --> 01:07:53,513
My car radio gets better reception
than the one on my stereo.
1046
01:07:53,680 --> 01:07:56,376
l go out there to listen to my opera.
1047
01:07:58,785 --> 01:08:01,253
What about doing your gardening
in a scuba mask?
1048
01:08:01,421 --> 01:08:05,016
l love to garden,
but l'm allergic to pollen.
1049
01:08:05,192 --> 01:08:09,788
lt's the only way l can work in the yard
without having my eyes all tear up.
1050
01:08:12,032 --> 01:08:14,227
okay. But admit it.
1051
01:08:14,401 --> 01:08:17,199
Cutting your grass
in the middle of the night?
1052
01:08:17,371 --> 01:08:18,736
lt's a little strange.
1053
01:08:18,906 --> 01:08:20,533
With this humidity?
1054
01:08:20,707 --> 01:08:23,505
Nighttime's the only sane time
to cut the grass.
1055
01:08:24,144 --> 01:08:26,510
What about sitting on your roof
with the telephone?
1056
01:08:26,680 --> 01:08:27,977
oh, that.
1057
01:08:29,016 --> 01:08:33,282
My best friend, Mabel, lives
just a couple of blocks away from here.
1058
01:08:34,855 --> 01:08:38,018
She's going senile,
but she won't admit it...
1059
01:08:38,191 --> 01:08:40,853
...and she insists on driving her car.
1060
01:08:41,028 --> 01:08:43,258
So when she's coming over to visit...
1061
01:08:43,430 --> 01:08:45,762
...l go up on my roof.
1062
01:08:46,233 --> 01:08:48,861
l can see her back out of her driveway.
1063
01:08:49,036 --> 01:08:50,765
And if she makes a wrong turn...
1064
01:08:50,938 --> 01:08:53,406
...l call her on her car phone,
give her directions.
1065
01:08:53,574 --> 01:08:55,269
voilĂ .
1066
01:08:58,345 --> 01:09:01,837
-lt all makes sense.
-Everything does.
1067
01:09:02,983 --> 01:09:06,043
Just depends on your perspective.
1068
01:09:09,623 --> 01:09:11,818
This is the worst day of my life.
1069
01:09:11,992 --> 01:09:14,893
The orgasmatron shorted out on me.
1070
01:09:15,062 --> 01:09:17,360
Gave my penis an electric shock.
1071
01:09:17,531 --> 01:09:18,862
You didn't like that?
1072
01:09:19,032 --> 01:09:20,522
No, you don't understand, okay?
1073
01:09:20,701 --> 01:09:23,295
l can't get it up anymore.
lt doesn't work.
1074
01:09:23,470 --> 01:09:25,438
Just leave it alone for a little while.
1075
01:09:25,606 --> 01:09:27,471
l'm sure it just needs a little R and R.
1076
01:09:27,641 --> 01:09:29,006
Yeah, l know. l tried that.
1077
01:09:29,176 --> 01:09:31,167
l waited all morning
and then tried it again.
1078
01:09:31,345 --> 01:09:32,903
lt still doesn't work.
1079
01:09:33,080 --> 01:09:35,605
l couldn't even get it to go to half-mast.
1080
01:09:36,183 --> 01:09:37,582
Hey, what if you're right?
1081
01:09:37,751 --> 01:09:40,720
What if a guy only has
a finite number of erections...
1082
01:09:40,887 --> 01:09:43,117
...and l've used all mine up?
1083
01:09:43,590 --> 01:09:44,887
Well, what are you gonna do?
1084
01:09:45,459 --> 01:09:48,553
l do have an emergency plan
for such an event...
1085
01:09:48,729 --> 01:09:51,789
...but l'm gonna need your help.
1086
01:09:53,600 --> 01:09:56,899
No way, man. lt's too weird for me.
1087
01:09:57,070 --> 01:09:58,731
Come on, man.
1088
01:09:58,905 --> 01:10:00,600
Look, it's nothing like that, okay?
1089
01:10:02,109 --> 01:10:05,510
l got some money saved up,
and there's this lady on the boulevard.
1090
01:10:05,679 --> 01:10:09,012
Let's just say she's an experienced lady.
1091
01:10:09,316 --> 01:10:12,114
For 1 00 bucks,
she'll do it any way you want.
1092
01:10:12,285 --> 01:10:13,616
What do you need me for?
1093
01:10:13,787 --> 01:10:16,187
l can't do this alone.
l need you to go with me.
1094
01:10:16,356 --> 01:10:18,381
Now, l got 1 50 saved up.
1095
01:10:18,558 --> 01:10:20,788
Hey, we could work a two-for-one deal.
1096
01:10:21,161 --> 01:10:22,719
No way.
1097
01:10:22,896 --> 01:10:24,420
Come on, man.
1098
01:10:24,598 --> 01:10:26,327
l'll even take sloppy seconds.
1099
01:10:30,103 --> 01:10:32,264
Just forget it.
1100
01:10:32,439 --> 01:10:35,067
l've only got a few days left
to win Erica's love.
1101
01:10:35,242 --> 01:10:37,802
Even if she doesn't fall in love with me...
1102
01:10:37,978 --> 01:10:40,708
...l've decided to stick it out
until the end of the summer.
1103
01:10:40,881 --> 01:10:42,815
That way, l know l've tried everything.
1104
01:10:42,983 --> 01:10:44,678
Please, man.
1105
01:10:45,452 --> 01:10:47,181
Come on, man. lt's an emergency.
1106
01:10:47,354 --> 01:10:49,447
l need your help.
1107
01:10:50,023 --> 01:10:52,014
l can't.
1108
01:10:52,192 --> 01:10:54,490
What kind of friend are you?
1109
01:10:54,661 --> 01:10:57,061
l mean, you've spent
our last great summer together...
1110
01:10:57,230 --> 01:10:59,164
...standing under
some stupid girl's window.
1111
01:10:59,332 --> 01:11:02,324
And do l say a word about it to you?
No, not once.
1112
01:11:02,502 --> 01:11:04,060
But then, when l need you...
1113
01:11:04,237 --> 01:11:06,671
...in the middle of the biggest crisis
in my life...
1114
01:11:06,840 --> 01:11:08,865
...you don't even consider it?
1115
01:11:09,042 --> 01:11:10,669
You're a dickwad, you know that?
1116
01:11:10,844 --> 01:11:13,779
Yeah. No wonder Erica doesn't like you.
1117
01:11:14,881 --> 01:11:16,872
-Take it back.
-No.
1118
01:11:17,050 --> 01:11:18,517
No. You know what?
1119
01:11:18,685 --> 01:11:21,449
You're a asswipe,
and she's never gonna love you.
1120
01:11:21,621 --> 01:11:22,610
-Take it back!
-No!
1121
01:11:22,789 --> 01:11:24,188
-Come on!
-Yeah. Take it back.
1122
01:11:24,357 --> 01:11:25,381
-No!
-Yeah. Yeah.
1123
01:11:25,559 --> 01:11:27,117
Come here.
1124
01:11:27,294 --> 01:11:30,286
My neck, man!
Come on, my neck. Get off!
1125
01:11:34,901 --> 01:11:36,425
Pretty stupid too, pal.
1126
01:11:37,604 --> 01:11:39,196
Maybe I was stupid.
1127
01:11:39,372 --> 01:11:41,499
That afternoon, my dad gave me proof...
1128
01:11:41,675 --> 01:11:44,041
...
that I had inherited this trait from him.
1129
01:11:44,211 --> 01:11:46,543
I had just finished Casanova
and had begun reading...
1130
01:11:46,713 --> 01:11:50,479
...
the love poems of Robert Browning,
and his wife, Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
1131
01:11:50,650 --> 01:11:51,810
She's the one who wrote:
1132
01:11:51,985 --> 01:11:54,613
''How do l love thee?
Let me count the ways.''
1133
01:11:54,788 --> 01:11:56,779
Anyway, it was my parents' anniversary...
1134
01:11:56,957 --> 01:12:00,085
...
and my father made the mistake
of getting the wrong gift.
1135
01:12:07,868 --> 01:12:09,233
l'm sorry, honey.
1136
01:12:15,242 --> 01:12:19,042
My dad tried to salvage the situation
by rushing out to the jewelry store.
1137
01:12:21,047 --> 01:12:22,776
But that wasn't enough.
1138
01:12:23,116 --> 01:12:27,177
When he came home,
he was in for a big surprise.
1139
01:12:43,136 --> 01:12:46,071
Honey, come on. Let me in. Please?
1140
01:12:47,808 --> 01:12:50,777
Sweetheart?
l got you another present. See?
1141
01:13:11,898 --> 01:13:13,957
May l join you?
1142
01:13:18,338 --> 01:13:20,203
Guess so.
1143
01:13:41,328 --> 01:13:43,421
I always thought
my dad was pretty lame.
1144
01:13:43,964 --> 01:13:46,125
What did it say about me
that my dad was using...
1145
01:13:46,299 --> 01:13:50,167
...
my strategy to win Erica
to score points with Mom?
1146
01:13:53,907 --> 01:13:56,102
I hoped my dad would have
more luck with my mom...
1147
01:13:56,276 --> 01:13:58,267
...
than I was having with Erica.
1148
01:13:58,445 --> 01:14:01,278
.
He was beginning to get on my nerves.
1149
01:14:04,584 --> 01:14:06,643
You ever tried that one on Mom?
1150
01:14:06,820 --> 01:14:08,515
No.
1151
01:14:10,390 --> 01:14:12,187
How about that?
1152
01:14:13,193 --> 01:14:14,455
No.
1153
01:14:16,396 --> 01:14:19,797
You've been married 1 8 years,
you haven't tried that?
1154
01:14:20,967 --> 01:14:23,060
Well, that area's a big mystery to me.
1155
01:14:23,236 --> 01:14:25,431
l've never been able to figure it out.
1156
01:14:25,605 --> 01:14:28,403
Well, no wonder she's so mad at you.
1157
01:14:29,075 --> 01:14:31,236
Do you really think she wants that?
1158
01:14:32,679 --> 01:14:35,876
of course she does.
You read what the book says.
1159
01:14:45,158 --> 01:14:46,853
Thanks, Peter.
1160
01:15:54,561 --> 01:15:56,529
Jesus Christ.
1161
01:15:56,696 --> 01:16:00,325
Now even my dad was
getting more action than I was.
1162
01:16:35,168 --> 01:16:36,692
Hey-ho, Peter.
1163
01:16:40,907 --> 01:16:44,502
-What's this?
-This is breakfast.
1164
01:16:48,314 --> 01:16:49,679
But l thought that--
1165
01:16:49,849 --> 01:16:52,750
Look, l was all wrong about all this.
1166
01:16:52,919 --> 01:16:54,750
l'm very sorry.
1167
01:16:54,921 --> 01:16:57,481
And here's a copy of the house key.
1168
01:16:57,657 --> 01:17:00,717
You can come back inside
anytime you want.
1169
01:17:07,467 --> 01:17:09,230
Thanks.
1170
01:17:09,402 --> 01:17:11,336
And, son...
1171
01:17:13,306 --> 01:17:14,534
...l love you.
1172
01:17:18,211 --> 01:17:20,475
You know the sad man
across the street?
1173
01:17:20,647 --> 01:17:24,014
The one who pushes his wife around
in the wheelchair all the time?
1174
01:17:24,184 --> 01:17:28,018
Well, l don't see her
around there anymore.
1175
01:17:28,188 --> 01:17:30,554
Like she's-- She's gone.
1176
01:17:30,723 --> 01:17:34,022
l've been watching him all summer,
and secretly he's been taking things...
1177
01:17:34,194 --> 01:17:36,128
...in and out of the house.
1178
01:17:36,296 --> 01:17:39,197
Wait. So you think he killed his wife?
1179
01:17:39,365 --> 01:17:40,525
Yeah.
1180
01:17:40,700 --> 01:17:42,668
That's bull.
1181
01:17:42,836 --> 01:17:44,201
l don't believe that.
1182
01:17:44,370 --> 01:17:45,598
Yeah?
1183
01:17:45,772 --> 01:17:49,264
Well, why don't you go over there
and check it out.
1184
01:17:49,442 --> 01:17:53,242
Because l got better things to do
than prowl around some guy's back yard.
1185
01:17:53,413 --> 01:17:54,710
l dare you to go.
1186
01:17:54,881 --> 01:17:56,644
oh, l'm not going over there.
1187
01:17:56,816 --> 01:17:59,751
-l almost got caught last time.
-l dare you both.
1188
01:18:02,088 --> 01:18:03,555
Look, we'll all go.
1189
01:18:05,725 --> 01:18:07,317
So we crossed the street...
1190
01:18:07,494 --> 01:18:10,088
...
to find out what happened
to the man's wife...
1191
01:18:10,263 --> 01:18:13,630
...
making sure we didn't get run over
by Mister Mays.
1192
01:18:15,268 --> 01:18:17,759
-lt's locked. Come on.
-Erica, wait.
1193
01:18:22,342 --> 01:18:23,934
No, don't open the door. Don't.
1194
01:18:24,110 --> 01:18:25,304
lt's unlocked.
1195
01:18:30,950 --> 01:18:33,145
l knew you'd come back.
1196
01:18:33,319 --> 01:18:35,947
You wanna see what's inside?
1197
01:18:36,389 --> 01:18:38,380
Wanna see what l've done?
1198
01:18:40,059 --> 01:18:42,186
l'll show you what l've done.
1199
01:18:49,502 --> 01:18:51,970
-No, no!
-No, man!
1200
01:18:58,411 --> 01:19:00,140
You've been waiting all summer long.
1201
01:19:00,313 --> 01:19:02,076
-Just relax.
-No, we haven't.
1202
01:19:03,082 --> 01:19:05,949
Let's go, Peter.
Come on! We didn't do anything!
1203
01:19:17,864 --> 01:19:19,297
This.
1204
01:19:19,465 --> 01:19:20,796
This is what l've done.
1205
01:19:20,967 --> 01:19:24,027
You built a swimming pool
in your living room?
1206
01:19:24,204 --> 01:19:26,604
No. Not just a swimming pool.
1207
01:19:29,609 --> 01:19:31,668
l built paradise.
1208
01:19:31,844 --> 01:19:33,744
A tropical...
1209
01:19:33,913 --> 01:19:35,938
...paradise.
1210
01:19:37,951 --> 01:19:39,043
Honey?
1211
01:19:40,753 --> 01:19:44,154
-What's going on?
-Nothing, my dear.
1212
01:19:44,324 --> 01:19:46,224
Just some guests.
1213
01:19:47,961 --> 01:19:50,122
My wife and l...
1214
01:19:51,531 --> 01:19:56,059
...wanted to go back to Tahiti
for our second honeymoon.
1215
01:19:57,604 --> 01:19:59,231
But then...
1216
01:19:59,872 --> 01:20:02,033
...she got so sick.
1217
01:20:03,643 --> 01:20:07,010
She really loved the water, you see.
1218
01:20:08,681 --> 01:20:12,139
l wanted to build a pool
in our back yard...
1219
01:20:13,386 --> 01:20:17,049
...but the city wouldn't give me
the permit in time.
1220
01:20:18,591 --> 01:20:19,853
So...
1221
01:20:20,493 --> 01:20:23,121
...l built it here.
1222
01:20:23,763 --> 01:20:25,321
ln secret.
1223
01:20:26,699 --> 01:20:28,394
For her.
1224
01:20:29,736 --> 01:20:32,261
So that my love and l...
1225
01:20:33,406 --> 01:20:36,136
...can go back to paradise.
1226
01:20:40,580 --> 01:20:43,174
You won't tell anyone, will you?
1227
01:20:45,885 --> 01:20:49,150
Where the apple reddens
Never pry--
1228
01:20:49,555 --> 01:20:52,922
Lest we lose our Edens
Eve and I
1229
01:21:07,640 --> 01:21:09,107
Hi.
1230
01:21:09,976 --> 01:21:11,409
Hi.
1231
01:21:12,679 --> 01:21:14,112
So listen...
1232
01:21:14,547 --> 01:21:16,481
...l'm leaving tomorrow.
1233
01:21:18,251 --> 01:21:19,809
Where you going?
1234
01:21:20,687 --> 01:21:23,178
You're not gonna believe this...
1235
01:21:23,823 --> 01:21:26,291
...but l decided l'm gonna go to college.
1236
01:21:27,360 --> 01:21:30,158
Right. Good.
1237
01:21:30,330 --> 01:21:32,355
Erica's leaving for college too.
1238
01:21:34,967 --> 01:21:36,798
Where is she?
1239
01:21:36,969 --> 01:21:39,938
She's with Nick. He broke his leg.
1240
01:21:40,106 --> 01:21:42,097
-Too bad.
-Yeah.
1241
01:21:42,275 --> 01:21:43,936
Lost his football scholarship.
1242
01:21:44,110 --> 01:21:47,011
Like l said, too bad.
1243
01:21:51,351 --> 01:21:55,151
So l guess l won't be seeing you around.
1244
01:21:56,122 --> 01:21:58,090
No, no.
1245
01:21:58,257 --> 01:21:59,918
l guess not.
1246
01:22:03,463 --> 01:22:05,158
Peter, listen.
1247
01:22:06,466 --> 01:22:08,991
l was kind of hoping that...
1248
01:22:09,168 --> 01:22:12,001
...we could spend
my last day here together.
1249
01:22:12,171 --> 01:22:15,572
Elliot's having this party and l thought,
you know, maybe we could go.
1250
01:22:17,076 --> 01:22:19,237
Sounds good.
1251
01:22:19,712 --> 01:22:22,704
But what if Erica, you know...?
1252
01:22:22,882 --> 01:22:24,577
Erica.
1253
01:22:25,184 --> 01:22:27,982
Well, l'll-- l'll see you.
1254
01:22:33,793 --> 01:22:35,385
Screw Erica.
1255
01:22:38,264 --> 01:22:39,492
What?
1256
01:22:39,665 --> 01:22:43,192
l said, screw Erica.
1257
01:22:44,404 --> 01:22:48,397
l mean, if she's not willing to give me
a chance by now, then she's nuts.
1258
01:22:48,574 --> 01:22:52,442
No other man would go through
what l did for her.
1259
01:22:53,012 --> 01:22:56,209
lf that love isn't good enough for her,
well, so be it.
1260
01:22:56,382 --> 01:22:58,475
l mean, there are plenty of other...
1261
01:22:58,651 --> 01:23:02,451
...beautiful, mature women
that want me.
1262
01:23:03,022 --> 01:23:07,152
l even passed up a night
with Ms. Lewis for Erica.
1263
01:23:07,727 --> 01:23:10,093
You passed up Melon-Breast Lewis?
1264
01:23:10,263 --> 01:23:14,063
lf she doesn't love me by now,
then l don't love her.
1265
01:23:14,233 --> 01:23:18,135
Besides, she even thinks
Roger Moore is the best James Bond.
1266
01:23:20,506 --> 01:23:23,031
-Come on. Let's go.
-All right.
1267
01:23:25,311 --> 01:23:30,248
So listen. Did l tell you l revised
my theory on self-sufficiency?
1268
01:23:30,416 --> 01:23:32,941
l'm against it now. lt's a little lonely.
1269
01:23:36,989 --> 01:23:38,217
Peter?
1270
01:23:38,391 --> 01:23:41,258
Peter, l need to talk to you.
1271
01:23:41,861 --> 01:23:43,590
Peter?
1272
01:23:49,769 --> 01:23:51,361
Peter?
1273
01:24:12,992 --> 01:24:15,153
-Hi, Peter.
-Hi, Ms. Lewis.
1274
01:24:15,962 --> 01:24:17,953
What have you boys been up to?
1275
01:24:19,665 --> 01:24:22,463
Well, we just got back from a party.
1276
01:24:22,635 --> 01:24:27,971
Everybody's going off for college,
so it was the last hurrah.
1277
01:24:28,140 --> 01:24:30,131
Sounds like fun.
1278
01:24:30,309 --> 01:24:35,542
Would you boys like to come in
for a cup of hot cocoa?
1279
01:24:39,085 --> 01:24:40,416
No, thanks.
1280
01:24:43,556 --> 01:24:45,581
This is my friend Matt.
1281
01:24:47,727 --> 01:24:48,716
Hi.
1282
01:24:49,629 --> 01:24:50,926
Hi.
1283
01:24:52,698 --> 01:24:54,632
l would...
1284
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,324
...love a cup of cocoa.
1285
01:25:17,957 --> 01:25:20,482
lt works! lt actually works!
1286
01:25:21,627 --> 01:25:23,652
lt works!
1287
01:25:49,221 --> 01:25:50,848
Erica?
1288
01:25:54,694 --> 01:25:56,491
Peter.
1289
01:26:09,041 --> 01:26:10,975
l missed you.
1290
01:28:04,990 --> 01:28:06,457
So that's my story.
1291
01:28:06,625 --> 01:28:07,853
It's all true.
1292
01:28:08,027 --> 01:28:10,393
Give or take a few minor details.
1293
01:28:10,563 --> 01:28:12,394
My grandfather was right.
1294
01:28:12,565 --> 01:28:16,558
I now know, in my heart of hearts,
that people are supposed to make love.
1295
01:28:16,736 --> 01:28:18,533
It is our main purpose in life.
1296
01:28:18,704 --> 01:28:20,171
All those other activities--
1297
01:28:20,339 --> 01:28:24,605
Playing the violin, washing dishes,
reading novels, drinking wine.
1298
01:28:24,777 --> 01:28:26,972
--
are just ways of passing time...
1299
01:28:27,146 --> 01:28:29,376
...
until you can make love again.
1300
01:33:02,755 --> 01:33:03,744
[ENGLlSH]
1301
01:33:04,305 --> 01:33:10,600
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