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1
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_
2
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I can't get over the new look.
3
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Um, it... it's like
a grown-up version of you.
4
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And you're drinking hot chocolate.
5
00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:17,207
I mean, that's... that's grown-up, man.
6
00:00:17,241 --> 00:00:20,210
It's coffee. I love it.
7
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Delicious.
8
00:00:27,148 --> 00:00:28,977
Yeah. So how's your year been?
9
00:00:29,012 --> 00:00:30,531
I mean, what's the story?
10
00:00:30,565 --> 00:00:32,394
You want the long version
or the short version?
11
00:00:32,429 --> 00:00:34,012
Uh, which one's faster?
12
00:00:35,091 --> 00:00:38,273
_
13
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I had money, I had freedom,
14
00:00:41,196 --> 00:00:43,272
and was ready to live
the life of my dreams.
15
00:00:43,578 --> 00:00:45,407
Oh, this version's taking forever.
16
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It's literally been five seconds.
17
00:00:47,377 --> 00:00:48,758
Really? It felt a lot longer,
18
00:00:48,792 --> 00:00:50,769
especially 'cause Mom and Dad
weren't in this one.
19
00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:53,001
Spoiler alert...
They're not in this story.
20
00:00:53,002 --> 00:00:54,487
_
21
00:00:59,397 --> 00:01:00,686
Oh, shit.
22
00:01:06,041 --> 00:01:07,836
What is it about life-changing events
23
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,597
that make women want
to cut all their hair off
24
00:01:09,598 --> 00:01:10,816
with kitchen scissors?
25
00:01:11,233 --> 00:01:13,269
I don't know!
26
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:15,889
Still, a year on your own.
27
00:01:15,923 --> 00:01:17,994
I mean, you're like a legit adult now.
28
00:01:19,991 --> 00:01:21,749
Sure you don't want some kids' food?
29
00:01:21,890 --> 00:01:23,581
I mean, just for old time's sake.
30
00:01:31,847 --> 00:01:33,598
Nice doughnut French toast.
31
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No one can resist that.
32
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This is so good!
33
00:01:36,448 --> 00:01:38,005
I know. I thought you might like it.
34
00:01:51,773 --> 00:01:53,430
I spent two years planning my escape
35
00:01:53,465 --> 00:01:54,811
and zero time thinking about
36
00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:56,468
what to do after I actually got free.
37
00:01:56,502 --> 00:01:57,751
So, what did you do?
38
00:01:57,752 --> 00:02:00,385
I did what any 16 year old
with a fake back story would do.
39
00:02:01,196 --> 00:02:02,750
I went to college.
40
00:02:02,784 --> 00:02:06,298
_
41
00:02:06,857 --> 00:02:09,170
It was a bastion of free thinking,
42
00:02:09,204 --> 00:02:10,585
inclusive idealism,
43
00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:13,623
a place where I could learn
and grow as a person who...
44
00:02:13,657 --> 00:02:15,348
God damn it!
45
00:02:15,383 --> 00:02:16,488
Sorry about that.
46
00:02:16,522 --> 00:02:17,661
That's okay.
47
00:02:17,696 --> 00:02:20,181
Hey, but that's what practice
is for, right, girls?
48
00:02:21,493 --> 00:02:23,542
Oh, you weren't talking to me.
49
00:02:24,218 --> 00:02:25,358
Oh, that's so sad.
50
00:02:25,393 --> 00:02:26,825
It gets sadder.
51
00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:30,502
Are you thinking of joining a cappella?
52
00:02:30,536 --> 00:02:31,572
Aca-lutely.
53
00:02:31,606 --> 00:02:33,366
- What?
- Defi-notely!
54
00:02:33,401 --> 00:02:35,127
Oh, yeah. We don't do puns.
55
00:02:35,161 --> 00:02:36,991
We do pitch. Can you match?
56
00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:39,234
Try and stop me, pitch.
57
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,494
Well, that was... aca-ward.
58
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,735
It just feels like we should be
raising money for research,
59
00:03:01,736 --> 00:03:04,698
and every dollar you waste
on your virtue-signaling swag
60
00:03:04,699 --> 00:03:06,782
is one dollar less
that goes to a viable cure.
61
00:03:07,139 --> 00:03:08,438
You seem like fun.
62
00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:10,787
I mean, I get the
benefits of developing material.
63
00:03:10,788 --> 00:03:12,562
I just think it's unfair to ask people
64
00:03:12,569 --> 00:03:13,884
to watch a shitty rehearsal.
65
00:03:13,885 --> 00:03:16,436
And we have got to lose
these matching bowling shirts.
66
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:18,210
And scene.
67
00:03:18,419 --> 00:03:19,837
Aah!
68
00:03:20,463 --> 00:03:21,798
What the hell?!
69
00:03:21,925 --> 00:03:24,414
You just got your big
balls flying everywhere,
70
00:03:24,416 --> 00:03:25,713
- don't ya?!
- What?
71
00:03:25,714 --> 00:03:28,964
Oh, should I speak slower
because of your crippling CTE?!
72
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:31,768
Or maybe the short shorts
are cutting off oxygen...
73
00:03:31,828 --> 00:03:33,842
Aah! God damn it!
74
00:03:36,134 --> 00:03:37,534
And scene.
75
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,075
Ow.
76
00:03:47,473 --> 00:03:48,928
It's hard fitting in here,
77
00:03:49,319 --> 00:03:51,986
but there are some people
who accept everybody.
78
00:03:52,495 --> 00:03:53,940
We're those people.
79
00:03:57,394 --> 00:03:58,431
I want to thank you all
80
00:03:58,432 --> 00:04:00,610
for giving up your
Sunday afternoon to be here.
81
00:04:01,028 --> 00:04:03,271
But that's the only time
that Dean Shroff
82
00:04:03,506 --> 00:04:04,962
said the building was available.
83
00:04:05,188 --> 00:04:06,700
But lest we not be triggered.
84
00:04:07,410 --> 00:04:09,131
Onward and upward.
85
00:04:09,504 --> 00:04:11,229
We have a new member joining us.
86
00:04:11,415 --> 00:04:12,416
Welcome, Delilah.
87
00:04:12,504 --> 00:04:13,850
Hi! I'm Delilah.
88
00:04:13,999 --> 00:04:15,276
I just want to say I think it's great
89
00:04:15,284 --> 00:04:16,717
you guys are preaching
love and tolerance...
90
00:04:16,718 --> 00:04:19,320
Pause. Can we unpack what you
meant when you said "you guys"?
91
00:04:19,386 --> 00:04:21,146
Just like the people in this room.
92
00:04:21,355 --> 00:04:23,426
Then say that, please. Words matter.
93
00:04:23,446 --> 00:04:26,242
Can we pause again?
What do you have on your feet?
94
00:04:26,304 --> 00:04:29,031
I, uh... shoes?
95
00:04:32,418 --> 00:04:35,698
Delilah, those shoes are torture items
96
00:04:35,718 --> 00:04:37,192
steeped in the female slave trade.
97
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,714
A misogynist construct
designed to oppress us.
98
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,621
Really? I just wanted to look
good for my first week of college.
99
00:04:42,636 --> 00:04:45,417
Your enjoyment of your
oppression is problematic.
100
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:46,970
It's not that big of a deal, is it?
101
00:04:47,077 --> 00:04:48,665
Please don't diminish my reaction
102
00:04:48,666 --> 00:04:50,184
to your microaggression.
103
00:04:50,193 --> 00:04:51,919
Wait. Hold on. Are you mad?
104
00:04:51,996 --> 00:04:53,663
And please don't speak to me
105
00:04:53,670 --> 00:04:55,454
in a passive-aggressive tone, okay?
106
00:04:55,482 --> 00:04:56,518
Thank you.
107
00:04:56,552 --> 00:04:59,176
What's wrong with
a sensible pair of shoes?
108
00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:00,453
Hm, I like those.
109
00:05:00,487 --> 00:05:02,213
I'm gonna chalk up
your heteronormativesplaining
110
00:05:02,248 --> 00:05:03,559
to an ideological mind virus.
111
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,182
I don't understand what that means.
112
00:05:05,216 --> 00:05:06,632
I think I'm literally going to be sick.
113
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:08,047
Oh, my God. Do you need a barf bag?
114
00:05:08,081 --> 00:05:10,566
Did zer just invoke God in this space?
115
00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:12,568
God? Do you believe in God?
116
00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:14,156
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my science.
117
00:05:14,191 --> 00:05:16,577
Have you not undergone any
unconscious bias training?
118
00:05:16,579 --> 00:05:17,013
What?
119
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:18,625
It's like she's never
even seen Samantha Bee.
120
00:05:18,627 --> 00:05:19,335
Who?
121
00:05:19,368 --> 00:05:21,405
Can someone privilege-check her, please?
122
00:05:21,439 --> 00:05:22,889
White privilege. Cis privilege.
123
00:05:22,924 --> 00:05:24,063
Orthodontic privilege.
124
00:05:24,097 --> 00:05:25,823
Thick hair privilege.
Eyebrow privilege.
125
00:05:25,858 --> 00:05:27,376
Oh, come on. That's not a thing.
126
00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:29,033
Tell that to Pam No-brows.
127
00:05:29,068 --> 00:05:31,070
Oh. Sorry.
128
00:05:31,104 --> 00:05:33,520
Well, can we just slow down
and look at my side here?
129
00:05:33,555 --> 00:05:36,247
Okay, so now there's two sides
to every argument?
130
00:05:36,282 --> 00:05:37,870
Classic ze said, ze said, huh?
131
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,779
You know, I came here because
I thought this was a group
132
00:05:39,780 --> 00:05:42,092
of people who placed value
on diversity and acceptance.
133
00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:44,509
But you guys just seem like
a bunch of judgy white chicks.
134
00:05:44,543 --> 00:05:47,506
I am 1/16 Cherokee.
135
00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,617
I'm trying to become bisexual.
136
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,366
Do you think we like
being in a club of hypocrites?
137
00:05:52,401 --> 00:05:55,128
The minorities on this
campus refuse to join us,
138
00:05:55,162 --> 00:05:56,301
and you know what?
139
00:05:56,336 --> 00:05:58,917
They wouldn't understand
their problems anyway.
140
00:05:59,339 --> 00:06:03,559
As co-co-co-co-co-president,
I can't ask you to leave,
141
00:06:03,757 --> 00:06:05,688
but I am allowed to show you
where the door is.
142
00:06:06,518 --> 00:06:07,598
It's there.
143
00:06:07,726 --> 00:06:09,383
Sometimes a fun strappy kitten heel
144
00:06:09,418 --> 00:06:11,109
is just a fun strappy kitten heel.
145
00:06:11,144 --> 00:06:14,016
God damn it! Mother[bleep]
146
00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:15,087
Damn it!
147
00:06:15,148 --> 00:06:17,081
Where do those keep coming from?!
148
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:24,847
So did you have any fun?
149
00:06:24,882 --> 00:06:27,470
Oh, yeah. Remember that
awesome church in New York?
150
00:06:27,505 --> 00:06:29,265
- No.
- Dad walked on water
151
00:06:29,266 --> 00:06:31,464
and made out with a bunch
of hot blonde Australian girls?
152
00:06:31,581 --> 00:06:32,648
Doesn't ring a bell.
153
00:06:32,682 --> 00:06:33,960
Oh, come on. You remember.
154
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,651
We were baptised, and Mom was furious.
155
00:06:35,685 --> 00:06:36,652
Season 2.
156
00:06:36,686 --> 00:06:38,654
Season 2? What does that even mean?
157
00:06:38,688 --> 00:06:40,218
Spring, summer, fall, winter.
158
00:06:40,219 --> 00:06:42,140
Happened in summer. Season 2 of 4.
159
00:06:42,175 --> 00:06:43,460
There's only four seasons?
160
00:06:43,461 --> 00:06:45,082
For now. Anyway...
161
00:06:45,958 --> 00:06:47,387
guess where I went.
162
00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:48,422
I don't know.
163
00:06:48,457 --> 00:06:49,665
Statue of Liberty.
164
00:06:49,699 --> 00:06:51,354
Oh, Paris.
165
00:06:51,355 --> 00:06:53,204
New York! I went to New York.
166
00:06:53,342 --> 00:06:54,792
Oh. God.
167
00:06:54,799 --> 00:06:57,894
_
168
00:07:10,548 --> 00:07:11,958
Heeey!
169
00:07:12,205 --> 00:07:13,735
Hey what?
170
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,782
It's me... Delilah.
171
00:07:17,382 --> 00:07:18,925
Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
172
00:07:19,384 --> 00:07:22,111
See, people need more context.
173
00:07:22,146 --> 00:07:23,457
I met you a few years ago,
174
00:07:23,492 --> 00:07:25,356
and you said I was
welcome back any time.
175
00:07:25,390 --> 00:07:27,703
Well, I stole some money from
my family and ran away,
176
00:07:27,737 --> 00:07:28,911
and here I am.
177
00:07:28,946 --> 00:07:30,430
You stole money? How much?
178
00:07:30,464 --> 00:07:32,363
About $150,000.
179
00:07:32,397 --> 00:07:34,893
Well, where is it now?
180
00:07:35,331 --> 00:07:36,834
In my backpack!
181
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,714
Oh, dear.
182
00:07:38,748 --> 00:07:40,056
Girls.
183
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,445
Girls!
184
00:07:44,237 --> 00:07:45,824
One second.
185
00:07:47,826 --> 00:07:49,173
Girls!
186
00:07:53,142 --> 00:07:56,732
Found this, uh, little sinner
out here on our doorstep.
187
00:07:56,766 --> 00:07:58,803
You remember Delilah, don't you?
188
00:07:58,837 --> 00:08:00,115
Oh, yeah!
189
00:08:00,149 --> 00:08:02,393
Of course! Who could forget?
190
00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:05,568
And, Delilah, you remember
my sisters Laura and Nicole.
191
00:08:05,603 --> 00:08:07,745
Yeah. I thought Laura was your mom.
192
00:08:08,847 --> 00:08:13,645
Oh, mom in a way that we're all
each other's mother and sister.
193
00:08:16,890 --> 00:08:21,274
So, Delilah just stole $150,000
from her family.
194
00:08:21,308 --> 00:08:23,586
Oh, no. Delilah.
195
00:08:24,829 --> 00:08:26,175
You have come
196
00:08:26,210 --> 00:08:27,832
to the right place.
197
00:08:27,866 --> 00:08:30,835
God can forgive,
but it's gonna take some work.
198
00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:33,313
Cool, cool. So can I come in?
199
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:35,581
Nah.
200
00:08:35,702 --> 00:08:36,945
Let's go out.
201
00:08:44,297 --> 00:08:45,436
Whoo!
202
00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,127
Oh, my God.
203
00:08:47,162 --> 00:08:48,818
This place looks expensive.
204
00:08:48,853 --> 00:08:50,441
- It is.
- Yeah.
205
00:08:50,475 --> 00:08:52,615
And we've fallen
on some pretty hard times.
206
00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:55,280
Jesus tried challenging our
dad, Levi, with a test
207
00:08:55,283 --> 00:08:57,791
and implicated us in a tax fraud
and real estate scandal.
208
00:08:57,821 --> 00:08:58,899
Did he pass?
209
00:08:58,901 --> 00:09:00,452
Real estate's being
settled out of court.
210
00:09:00,485 --> 00:09:01,866
Fraud's still pending.
211
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:05,076
I suppose we could just hack our
hair off with kitchen shears.
212
00:09:08,183 --> 00:09:09,467
Nah. I can afford it.
213
00:09:11,379 --> 00:09:12,463
Bless!
214
00:09:12,497 --> 00:09:14,534
Oh, my God! You're the best!
You're the best!
215
00:09:14,568 --> 00:09:16,570
- Delilah.
- Oh, my God!
216
00:09:37,419 --> 00:09:40,008
Holy shit. This is so expensive.
217
00:09:40,042 --> 00:09:41,561
Am I paying for everybody's?
218
00:09:41,595 --> 00:09:44,357
Give to the poor and you will
have riches in heaven.
219
00:09:44,391 --> 00:09:47,049
- You know who said that, don't you?
- Jesus?
220
00:09:47,084 --> 00:09:49,396
He did. Matthew 19:21.
221
00:09:58,819 --> 00:10:00,407
- No.
- No.
222
00:10:03,445 --> 00:10:04,894
No.
223
00:10:15,664 --> 00:10:16,734
I've got it!
224
00:10:18,908 --> 00:10:20,634
Yeah. My turn.
225
00:10:20,669 --> 00:10:21,911
No, my turn, my turn.
226
00:10:40,413 --> 00:10:43,278
I could stay at a motel for a
year for what this skirt costs.
227
00:10:43,312 --> 00:10:45,736
Oh, Delilah.
You can't put a price on joy.
228
00:10:45,737 --> 00:10:48,490
But if you had to, it'd be $25,152.
229
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:50,216
Holy [bleep]
230
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,390
Come on, Delilah. Give us a smile.
231
00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:54,082
God loves a cheerful giver.
232
00:10:54,116 --> 00:10:56,014
Corinthians 9:7.
233
00:11:22,075 --> 00:11:24,836
Don't worry.
We've got another bottle coming.
234
00:11:24,871 --> 00:11:28,641
Great. What's another $15,000
bottle delivered by a monkey?
235
00:11:28,642 --> 00:11:32,154
I sense some sarcasm,
but $15,000 is a bargain.
236
00:11:32,196 --> 00:11:35,647
I've seen some monkey champagne
for as high as $17.5 million.
237
00:11:35,675 --> 00:11:37,404
We got a bottle of monkey champagne
238
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,548
to go to table 13!
239
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,614
Monkey champagne!
240
00:11:49,413 --> 00:11:51,829
- And I guess I'm paying for it, huh?!
- Mm-hmm.
241
00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:53,796
Hey, what's all this who pays for this,
242
00:11:53,831 --> 00:11:55,177
who pays for that, Delilah?
243
00:11:55,212 --> 00:11:58,284
It's not very Christian.
In fact, it's kind of Jewish.
244
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,493
Well, then call me Jewish
and this bottle's Christ,
245
00:12:00,527 --> 00:12:02,011
'cause I'm killing it!
246
00:12:02,046 --> 00:12:04,259
Oh, that's kind of anti-Semitic.
247
00:12:04,669 --> 00:12:06,292
The Romans killed Christ, right?
248
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,656
I think so.
249
00:12:27,761 --> 00:12:29,556
Hey! Who needs cash?!
250
00:12:29,591 --> 00:12:30,937
'Cause God apparently says
251
00:12:30,971 --> 00:12:33,111
if you don't give it all
away, you suck!
252
00:12:33,146 --> 00:12:35,355
Shit-zekeal 69!
253
00:12:35,390 --> 00:12:38,841
No, Ezekiel only had 47 chapters.
254
00:12:38,876 --> 00:12:40,188
[Bleep] off!
255
00:12:40,222 --> 00:12:42,224
Oh, Delilah, it's a joke.
256
00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:43,950
We're taking the piss out of ya.
257
00:12:43,984 --> 00:12:45,365
You want to take the piss out of me?!
258
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,609
Fine! You can take that, too!
259
00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:49,286
Take it all!
260
00:12:49,611 --> 00:12:51,716
Can I have your attention, please?
261
00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:54,857
I would like to introduce you
to someone who was a sinner
262
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:58,344
but came to us and found
her way, just like all of you.
263
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,209
Please give our newest sister
a warm welcome
264
00:13:01,243 --> 00:13:03,866
to our community... Delilah!
265
00:13:12,289 --> 00:13:13,290
Oh.
266
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:17,708
I-I... You fed me alcohol.
267
00:13:17,742 --> 00:13:19,744
No, I didn't. We're a Christian club.
268
00:13:19,779 --> 00:13:22,022
You're drinking non-alcoholic fizzy.
269
00:13:23,783 --> 00:13:26,268
Then... Then why am I drunk?
270
00:13:26,303 --> 00:13:28,042
You're not. No one is.
271
00:13:28,339 --> 00:13:30,499
We're just high on Christ.
272
00:13:30,997 --> 00:13:34,276
Well, uh, what should I do now?
273
00:13:34,311 --> 00:13:35,898
Well, I'd say "piss off,"
274
00:13:35,933 --> 00:13:37,766
but you already have...
275
00:13:38,349 --> 00:13:40,085
all over the table.
276
00:13:40,593 --> 00:13:42,284
Aah!
277
00:13:51,811 --> 00:13:53,563
How is this woman even my mother?
278
00:13:53,670 --> 00:13:55,016
I know. Sometimes Dad does stuff,
279
00:13:55,039 --> 00:13:56,863
and I'm like, "There's no way
I'm related to that guy."
280
00:13:56,979 --> 00:13:57,996
Heh.
281
00:13:57,997 --> 00:13:59,329
Anyway, so, you were two months in,
282
00:13:59,336 --> 00:14:00,958
you got a shitty haircut, no money.
283
00:14:00,992 --> 00:14:03,232
- What'd you do then?
- I did what she did.
284
00:14:03,351 --> 00:14:04,525
I found the money tree.
285
00:14:05,169 --> 00:14:13,169
_
286
00:14:21,813 --> 00:14:23,436
Great to see you, little gummy bear.
287
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,698
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
288
00:14:26,813 --> 00:14:28,539
I cannot believe J.R.'s back!
289
00:14:28,613 --> 00:14:30,247
I mean, why would you bury
him in the third story?
290
00:14:30,448 --> 00:14:31,471
The guy's a star.
291
00:14:31,506 --> 00:14:33,437
I mean, you lead with that shit, man.
292
00:14:33,446 --> 00:14:34,832
You lead with it.
293
00:14:35,682 --> 00:14:37,132
Man, J.R.'s so cool.
294
00:14:37,166 --> 00:14:38,236
I can't do it, kid.
295
00:14:38,271 --> 00:14:40,327
I took a shot at
parenting, and I choked.
296
00:14:40,491 --> 00:14:42,172
Well, not literally.
297
00:14:42,358 --> 00:14:44,680
I never gave a shit
enough to get violent.
298
00:14:45,278 --> 00:14:47,575
To choke somebody,
you have to have expectations.
299
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:49,701
I was just a lousy dad.
300
00:14:49,869 --> 00:14:51,457
You know,
I'm not asking you to parent me.
301
00:14:51,459 --> 00:14:53,166
- Uh-huh.
- I want to help you run drugs
302
00:14:53,172 --> 00:14:54,417
or whatever you're running.
303
00:14:54,418 --> 00:14:56,093
- Soccer balls?
- Full of drugs?
304
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:59,530
No, I'm just making
charitable runs to Russia.
305
00:14:59,706 --> 00:15:01,497
That doesn't sound like you.
306
00:15:01,743 --> 00:15:03,054
You're right. It doesn't.
307
00:15:03,089 --> 00:15:04,664
I'll have to work on that story.
308
00:15:05,022 --> 00:15:07,335
Still and all, I can't have you
leading this kind of life.
309
00:15:07,369 --> 00:15:08,508
You're not cut out for it.
310
00:15:08,543 --> 00:15:11,511
I stole $150,000,
an identity, and a car.
311
00:15:11,546 --> 00:15:12,892
I'm good at this thief stuff.
312
00:15:14,031 --> 00:15:15,357
But I'm not a thief.
313
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:17,739
I just happen to think
governments do nothing
314
00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:21,365
to deserve the huge taxes
and tariffs they make me pay.
315
00:15:22,027 --> 00:15:23,232
Well, they built this port
316
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:24,895
and the highway I took to get here.
317
00:15:25,732 --> 00:15:26,879
Touch�.
318
00:15:27,251 --> 00:15:28,528
I'll tell you what.
319
00:15:28,825 --> 00:15:31,680
If you can spot the heat
that's watching us right now,
320
00:15:32,492 --> 00:15:33,533
you're in.
321
00:15:33,568 --> 00:15:35,574
I can always use a good pair of eyes.
322
00:15:36,247 --> 00:15:38,387
Oh, okay. Um, let's see.
323
00:15:44,201 --> 00:15:45,228
Um...
324
00:15:45,347 --> 00:15:46,363
Well...
325
00:15:46,477 --> 00:15:47,704
Uh...
326
00:15:48,755 --> 00:15:49,894
There's no one here.
327
00:15:49,929 --> 00:15:51,622
Well, then, the answer's
pretty clear, isn't it?
328
00:15:51,943 --> 00:15:53,035
Oh!
329
00:15:53,044 --> 00:15:54,332
Oh, it's you, isn't it?
330
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,624
Jesus Christ.
331
00:15:55,659 --> 00:15:57,319
I got it. There is no heat.
332
00:15:57,488 --> 00:16:00,069
There's always heat.
You just can't always spot them.
333
00:16:00,242 --> 00:16:02,071
Wait, that was a trick question.
334
00:16:02,113 --> 00:16:03,770
Sorry, kid. You're out.
335
00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:05,863
You have a nice life.
336
00:16:06,773 --> 00:16:07,912
Hey, Conrad.
337
00:16:07,947 --> 00:16:10,819
Take this paperwork down to the
dock manager and get it stamped.
338
00:16:11,157 --> 00:16:12,700
Then let's get the hell out of here.
339
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,088
I can do that.
340
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,084
Knock yourself out.
341
00:16:16,265 --> 00:16:17,266
Yes!
342
00:16:28,097 --> 00:16:29,977
Um, hi there. I-I'm here to...
343
00:16:29,978 --> 00:16:31,626
- Paperwork.
- Here.
344
00:16:35,319 --> 00:16:37,143
- Everything okay?
- Yeah, totally.
345
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:44,762
These numbers look off.
346
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,075
What are you shipping?
347
00:16:46,136 --> 00:16:47,482
Uh, balls. Soccer balls.
348
00:16:47,538 --> 00:16:49,247
We... We call 'em soccer balls.
349
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:50,955
The rest of the world
calls them footballs.
350
00:16:50,990 --> 00:16:52,985
What do you call them here in Canada?
351
00:16:54,545 --> 00:16:55,545
Soccer balls.
352
00:16:55,546 --> 00:16:56,685
Well, you shouldn't,
353
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:57,997
because, when you think about it,
354
00:16:58,031 --> 00:17:00,476
soccer... soccer...
"footballs" makes more sense
355
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,331
because you play with your foot.
356
00:17:03,174 --> 00:17:04,762
Balls. Feet.
357
00:17:04,797 --> 00:17:06,962
Fo... balls.
358
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,608
Come with me. Mm-hmm.
359
00:17:10,181 --> 00:17:12,321
Shit.
360
00:17:12,356 --> 00:17:14,289
You know, you probably should've
joined the improv club.
361
00:17:14,323 --> 00:17:15,704
You'd be a lot quicker on your feet.
362
00:17:17,016 --> 00:17:19,326
Hey, when's Pee paw
coming back to the story?
363
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,399
That guy's awesome.
364
00:17:24,368 --> 00:17:25,741
- One second. Pee paw!
- Hey!
365
00:17:25,743 --> 00:17:27,544
- Pee paw!
- Hey! Let's open it up.
366
00:17:27,578 --> 00:17:29,338
Why? It's just soccer balls,
367
00:17:29,373 --> 00:17:30,788
uh, like I said, for kids.
368
00:17:30,823 --> 00:17:32,500
- Poor kids. D-Do you have kids?
- No.
369
00:17:32,631 --> 00:17:34,376
Uh, well, you'd make an awesome dad.
370
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,655
You really should have kids.
371
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:36,829
So, can we just sign the papers
372
00:17:36,863 --> 00:17:38,071
so we can get the hell out of here?
373
00:17:38,106 --> 00:17:40,199
Either you open it or the heat does.
374
00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:41,270
It's your call.
375
00:17:46,217 --> 00:17:47,529
Um...
376
00:17:48,599 --> 00:17:50,014
- Okay. I guess I'm opening it.
- Wait.
377
00:17:50,049 --> 00:17:51,256
You really don't have to open it.
378
00:17:51,257 --> 00:17:53,190
It's just... Let me just get
my Pee paw for a second.
379
00:17:53,224 --> 00:17:54,991
You really don't have to open it.
380
00:18:04,719 --> 00:18:07,342
Aah! God! I'm covered in drugs!
381
00:18:07,376 --> 00:18:10,207
It burns! Help me!
382
00:18:10,241 --> 00:18:11,864
Drugs!
383
00:18:11,898 --> 00:18:13,244
Are you seeing this?
384
00:18:13,279 --> 00:18:15,983
This is just so much worse
than I thought it would be.
385
00:18:16,489 --> 00:18:18,526
It burns! Drugs!
386
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,002
It's milk! Chill!
387
00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:24,523
So, this whole thing was just for milk?
388
00:18:24,592 --> 00:18:25,731
Well, I mean, if you think
389
00:18:25,912 --> 00:18:28,743
Grade A Canadian homo
milk is just milk.
390
00:18:28,777 --> 00:18:30,360
But... But you told me it was drugs!
391
00:18:30,372 --> 00:18:32,272
I definitely did not.
392
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,403
Though it'd be a hell of a lot easier
393
00:18:34,438 --> 00:18:36,105
to ship this shit if it were drugs.
394
00:18:39,270 --> 00:18:42,165
Homo milk, huh? Is that from gay cows?
395
00:18:42,224 --> 00:18:44,525
"Homo" is short for "homogenized."
396
00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:46,637
Here, man.
397
00:18:46,706 --> 00:18:47,707
- My man.
- Good to see you.
398
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:49,007
All right, man.
399
00:18:49,009 --> 00:18:52,772
One oligarch controls 99%
of the Russian dairy market,
400
00:18:53,084 --> 00:18:54,864
so the people have no
choice but to drink
401
00:18:54,865 --> 00:18:57,970
his overpriced,
under-pasteurized swill.
402
00:18:58,289 --> 00:19:00,878
This homo stuff is
cheap, and it's easy,
403
00:19:00,913 --> 00:19:02,616
which is what the Russian
people really want.
404
00:19:03,454 --> 00:19:04,662
Okay, boys!
405
00:19:04,757 --> 00:19:06,621
Clean this up.
Let's get it on the boat.
406
00:19:06,815 --> 00:19:09,080
Wait, please.
I don't have anywhere else to go.
407
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:10,316
Go home.
408
00:19:10,685 --> 00:19:12,083
You don't belong here.
409
00:19:12,873 --> 00:19:14,788
You're not like your mother.
You're a good person.
410
00:19:15,226 --> 00:19:16,918
This will barely get me a bus ticket.
411
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:18,433
So? You'll steal the rest.
412
00:19:18,746 --> 00:19:20,129
You're good at this thief stuff, right?
413
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:21,130
Isn't that what you told me?
414
00:19:21,140 --> 00:19:22,935
You just gave that guy
a thousand bucks!
415
00:19:22,969 --> 00:19:25,276
No, that guy just earned
a thousand bucks.
416
00:19:26,939 --> 00:19:28,459
You told me it was drugs.
417
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:29,763
No, I didn't!
418
00:19:39,814 --> 00:19:40,828
Yeah!
419
00:19:40,895 --> 00:19:43,024
Get some! Oh, yeah!
420
00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:44,784
So, why'd you do it? Why'd you leave?
421
00:19:44,819 --> 00:19:46,268
I just wanted a place to belong
422
00:19:46,303 --> 00:19:48,305
where people accepted me for who I am.
423
00:19:48,337 --> 00:19:49,682
You had that. It's called home.
424
00:19:49,684 --> 00:19:51,264
I know, but we were so messed up.
425
00:19:51,347 --> 00:19:52,851
What family isn't?
426
00:19:52,907 --> 00:19:54,407
I bet you guys barely
even noticed I was gone.
427
00:19:54,504 --> 00:19:55,539
Are you kidding me?
428
00:19:55,622 --> 00:19:57,382
We travelled the globe
chasing your videos.
429
00:20:00,086 --> 00:20:01,812
You guys actually went
to all those places?!
430
00:20:01,974 --> 00:20:03,665
Bet you guys had
a lot of fun without me.
431
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:05,356
Oh, no. It was terrible.
432
00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:06,530
But Japan.
433
00:20:06,564 --> 00:20:08,152
Oh, God. Japan was the worst.
434
00:20:12,916 --> 00:20:15,815
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
_
435
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:17,387
Ha-ha!
436
00:20:17,388 --> 00:20:18,576
Aaaaaah!
437
00:20:18,903 --> 00:20:21,433
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