All language subtitles for Shanghai Surprise

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* I can't understand
how I've gone astray

* I should be sailing away
on a liner

* I was knocked on my back
on a dock at Yangtze

* It's a hell of a way
to see China

* But I'm ready

* You must be crazy

* And you got no money

* And you're a liar

* My straits are dire
from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to trust you
but I've broken my rickshaw

* Sometimes there's
no hope in

* In chasing opium, man

* I'd like to love you

* But I'm not sure
what's in your eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* Whatever you're saying,
I want it anyway in

* Been hanging 'round like
a kid at your back door

* Oh, babe

* You could be kinder
and show me Asia Minor

* I'll let you love me

* Let you see what's here
in my eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* You must be crazy
* Crazy

* And you got no money
* Money

* And it seems like madness

* Back streets
so crowded that

* No room to swing a cat

* I'd like to know you
but you're acting so coolie

* I'm finding out pursued
by evil-looking dudes

* It's getting hot for me
like tofu when it deep-fries

* Oh, Shanghai surprise

* But, baby, you look
like any common crook

* That's hanging 'round
in those real shady places

* While you assess me

* Why not try to impress me?

* Step over here, let me see
what's there in your eyes

* Ah, Shanghai surprise

How can you stuff yourself
at a time like this?

We should be on our way.

Simmer down, Willie.

We'll go
when it's time to go.

Good God, man, the Japs
are just down the road.

Don't fret about the Japs.

Their beef's with the Chinese.

We'll be fine
once we cross the river

into the international
settlement.

The flowers are ready, master.

Very good, Wu.
Thank you.

Good God almighty,

we've been hanging about here
for a bunch of bloody flowers?

Now, Willie. It's time.

You're cracked, Walter.
You're nuts.

You'll get us killed
over a bunch of flowers.

Not your everyday
garden variety, Willie.

Take a look.

That's opium.

You're looking at
a thousand dollars worth.

Best international
currency in the world.

Half the weight of gold,

twice the value.

Nail it up, Wu.

Move out!

Walter,
the bridge is that way.

We're going for China Doll.

For heaven's sake, Walter.

There'll be plenty of China
Dolls where we're headed.

You ought to be taking notes
instead of drinking.

Get a scoop for your paper,

eyewitness to the extraordinary
getaway of Walter Faraday,

The Opium King.

The power's out everywhere.

Wu, light some torches.

With the whole Chinese sector
about to fall,

you'd think she'd be waiting.

What the devil?

What the bloody hell...

We're in luck, Walter.
It's not the Japs, it's the Chinese.

Now, look here, old man,
we're on our way to the international...

Hello, Mei Gan.

I thought you'd be halfway
to Mongolia by now.

I could not leave without
bidding you farewell.

Where's China Doll?
What have you done with her?

She was escorted to a safer haven
by your loyal servant Wu Ch'En She.

He should have informed you,
as he informed me, you might be coming here.

Now, you will kindly
return to me what is mine.

I'm afraid my loyal servant

seems to have
double-crossed us both.

He just ran off with it.

It won't do you any good.

Just the basic necessities
for life on the road.

You know, for emergencies.

For luck.

A man can always use luck.

I'd skip that one,
it's just mothballs.

Run like hell!

Come on. Jump for it, Willie.
We've got to get across.

I can't. Walter, I can't.

Come on, Willie.
We have to.

Whoo!

Walter! Wa...

Thank you, lady.

Where's my baggage,
you castrated scum?

I want my baggage!
You go! You go!

Miss Tatlock,

I think we've found our man.

Mr. Burns,
you can't be serious.

If he can be of help,
we'll use the devil himself.

What about my wallet?
There was a wallet in this jacket!

You no money. You no go.

You stole my last ten bucks,
you thieving cornhole pirate!

Sir, can we be
of any assistance?

Yeah, have you got
a torpedo handy?

Look at that.

He didn't even finish the
nipples on my little sweetheart.

The Helping Hand aids
many a weary traveler,

Mr...

Wasey. Glendon Wasey.

We can't help but sympathize with
your predicament, Mr. Wasey.

I believe your ship is
due to leave on Thursday.

How would you like
to earn your fare?

Sorry. I'm not cut out
for the soup kitchen. Thanks.

Well, all you have to do is
make a few enquiries for us.

Yeah? Why me?

You speak Chinese
with such flair.

Yeah, a lot of good it does me.
I might as well quack.

We're anxious to contact
a rickshaw puller.

He's the father of a soldier
who's lost his leg.

The poor lad is delirious.

I've absolutely no aptitude
for the native gibberish

and Miss Tatlock's
only been here a few weeks.

The boy was barely able
to scratch his father's name.

Can you make it out?

Wu Ch'En She.

You see, Miss Tatlock,
I knew we'd picked a winner.

You know, people don't talk
cheap here in Shanghai.

I'm gonna need a bankroll.

Whatever you need,
Miss Tatlock will provide.

Not that we don't trust you,
of course.

But a person free of
financial responsibility

can perform
much more efficiently.

What is that?

Amy the Killer.

I bought 100 gross of
these babies in Canton.

They'll eat 'em up in LA.

They glow in the dark.

As a matter of fact,
they're glowing in my crates right now.

Hey, how would you
like to come into

the shadows with me
and have a peek, baby?

It's perfectly bright enough
as it is, thank you.

You know,
I'll tell you something.

There's probably 10,000
rickshaw boys in Shanghai.

I'm gonna need a miracle.

You forget my calling,
Mr. Wasey.

I believe in miracles.

Loan me ten cents, ma'am, will ya?
I'm dry as a bone.

Absolutely not.
I do not approve of drinking.

Look at me, I'm shaking.
I can't be any good to you like this.

You're wasting your time,
Mr. Wasey.

What about rice?

You don't have anything against rice, do you?
I haven't eaten in three days.

Very well.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Uh, rice wine.

Look at that.
Steady as a brain surgeon.

I have something to
say to you, Mr. Wasey.

I do not intend
to be made a fool of.

You're flippant, facetious,

and I suspect,
sorely lacking in moral fiber.

However, I am duty-bound
to Mr. Burns to work with you,

and I shall try.

We've made a deal,
you and I and he,

and I expect you
to live up to it.

Do I make myself clear?

You don't like me much,
do you, ma'am?

Well, maybe after you get to know
me a little bit, what do you think?

I think there's very
little chance of that.

I expect our association
to be an extremely brief one.

Pick one.

I'll do no such thing.

It's degrading to use your
fellow man as a beast of burden.

Yes, but when you're
looking for a rickshaw puller,

the best person to ask
is the Rickshaw King.

We'll take a taxi.

Then we'll find
the Taxi King.

This is deplorable.

Give me some money.

You're not going to gamble
with mission funds, Mr. Wasey.

You call it gambling.
I call it bribery.

Either way we've got
to loosen some lips.

Come on, Jiminy,
whip his ass, boy.

Wu Ch'En She!

Wu Ch'En She!

Wu Ch'En She!

I don't think this guy's
very popular around here.

Uh, let's get out of here.

You really want to
find this guy, huh?

We're not going to be discouraged
by one little setback.

One little setback?
I'd call it a lynch mob.

Alcoholics always
tend to overdramatize.

You're probably right. So, I guess we'll
just ignore the guy following us, huh?

It's the horrid man
from the cricket fight.

He's gaining.

Give me a coin.

Come on, lady,
we've got to grease the wheels.

Uh-oh.

That man is a maniac.

I need a weapon.
What have you got for a weapon?

Here, take that.

Please!

Dear friend.

Justin Kronk?

I can help you locate
a certain gentleman.

Help Mr. Kronk
to his feet, Mr. Wasey.

Oh, thank you,
dear Madame.

Am I to understand you can help
us find a Mr. Wu Ch'En She?

Shh!

Why does everybody get their peckers in
a vice when you mention Wu Ch'En She?

The gentleman is a renegade,

a swindler, and a cheat.

Is that all
they have against him?

He owes most of those men
money from gambling debts,

an act of extreme dishonor.

They would kill him on sight.

Now, I personally do not know
the gentleman's whereabouts,

but for a small fee,
I can take you to someone who does.

My friend presides over a very
successful insurance company.

But, you know, Mr. Wasey, local custom
requires that you conduct a little business

before requesting information
from a stranger.

Come.

Kronk.

Venerable sir,

I have some business for you.

Ah!

Good afternoon,
reverend lady, gentleman.

Please sit down.

My calling name
is Ho Chong.

And greeting is
deeply extended.

Unlike Western companies,

I insure those parts of the body
the most precious by my customs.

How big a policy we gotta
buy to find Wu Ch'En She?

Ah! Here's a fine bargain.
The armpits, the genitals and both ankles

at 40 Shanghai dollars.

What do you got for 30?

For $30, I could do the armpits,
the genitals and both ankles.

But I could not
find Wu Ch'En She.

Okay. How about

the armpits, the genitals...
Mr. Wasey!

Would you please
conclude this transaction?

All right. We'll take
your $40 policy.

And you,
reverend lady,

would you care protection
for certain parts?

No, thank you.

The lips and ears perhaps.

Thank you, I said no.

Your twin pagodas, maybe?

Definitely not.

Surely you would to protect
your haven of celestial bliss.

Dare you!
I don't think her haven is in much danger.

Mr. Wasey,
I demand we conclude our business here.

Okay, she'll take the ears,
the lips and them twin pagodas.

Uh-huh.

Excellent!

If you will follow me,
please?

Am I walking too rapidly,
reverend lady?

What's that
awful stench?

Oh, merely the fragrance of
a successful fishing voyage.

Welcome to the home
of Wu Ch'En She.

What a horrible place!

A man in great debt must sometimes live
in seclusion to cultivate longevity.

Oh, Master Wu!

Wu Ch'En She,
I bring friends.

He seldom welcomes
his infrequent guests.

Hey, what are you up to?
There's nobody down there.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm telling you, look.

Well, we must
rectify that.

Next time the cargo
could be sharks.

A gift, dear friend.

I'm gonna strangle you!

You know, the Chinese find the juice of
the tomatoes the only suitable antidote

for the aromas of skunk,

fish and putrefied flesh.

When I get out of this tub,

I'm going to beat you
like a red-headed stepchild.

But why? I saved your life.

I took you
to the Red Society,

an organization with, uh,
with an ironic sense of humor.

Had I delivered you
to the Green Society,

they would have
slit your throat.

Hung you up to drip
like a Peking duck.

For looking for the father
of a wounded soldier?

Mmm, interesting.

Interesting?
What's so goddamn interesting?

My dear friend,
Wu Ch'En She has no sons.

So then why am I
looking for him?

Perhaps you should
ask the pious lady.

Every damn word out of your
mouth has been a lie, hasn't it?

I can explain.

Yeah. There isn't
any brave little boy

crying for Wu Ch'En She
at all, is there? Is there?

Look me straight in the eye
and give me a one word answer.

No, there isn't.
No, there isn't.

A missionary lying!

It's like pissing
all over God's uniform.

If I had told you the truth,
you never would have agreed to help us.

Help you what?

Mr. Wasey, at this very moment,
tens of thousands of

courageous soldiers are
suffering agonizing pain

because of a terrible
shortage of morphine.

And not one of them is
related to Wu Ch'En She.

That's true, but a year ago Wu Ch'En She
betrayed his master, Walter Faraday.

Oh, hold the phone.
The Walter Faraday?

Walter Faraday,
the Opium King?

Well, anyway, they say Wu stole 1,100
pounds of opium from this Mr. Faraday.

You're looking for
Faraday's flowers.

You've heard of them?

I've also heard of El Dorado
and the Lost Dutchman Mine.

They don't exist either.
You're crazy, you know that?

Do you know what they did
to Walter Faraday? Do you?

Answer me, damn it!

I can't.

You smell so bad
I can't think straight.

After they shot him,
drowned him and burnt him,

they say he was
fished out of the river,

skinned and deboned,
then hung up

for everybody to see
on the Lower Nanking Road.

That's only hearsay.

Maybe so.
But if they'll do that to an Opium King,

can you imagine
what they're going to do

to the Glow-in-the-dark
Tie King?

I'll be seeing you,
Miss Tatlock.

What about your ties?
What about 'em?

Mr. Burns has them
stored at the mission.

You're welcome to follow me
there, but please walk upwind.

Oh, dear.
I sense you've encountered the Red Society.

I'm afraid he knows.

No point in apologies, pal.

I just want my stuff.

You must think we're lunatics.

Lunatics?
You're worse than lunatics.

Two missionaries and a
Glow-in-the-dark tie salesman

do not just
stroll up to people

and ask if they've seen 1,000
pounds of opium lying around.

I told you
we picked the wrong man.

This time
they threw us in the fish.

Next time we get grinded
into cat food.

He's right, you know.

I'm afraid we've been
hopelessly irresponsible.

Perhaps this will
make up for it.

A ticket?

I paid your fare
to Los Angeles.

Your captain will welcome
you back with open arms.

Your ship sails
the day after tomorrow.

I booked a room for you
in the Hotel Penang.

It's plain but adequate.

And, uh,
here's a small contribution...

...towards your new clothes.

That's
mighty white of you, Burns.

Do you have any plans
for this evening, Mr. Wasey?

No. No, I don't.

Well, we can't have you leaving
Shanghai without tasting the duck.

Will you have dinner
with me tonight?

My treat.

I hope you're not offended, Mr. Wasey,
but that new tie is a major improvement.

It's a little subdued for me.
Boy, this place looks great.

Oh, we're not eating here.

I've got something
more elegant in mind.

Your regular table?

An old watering hole,
Mr. Wasey?

I've never been here before.
I couldn't afford it till I met you.

Where have you been, Phil?

May I join you?

What are you doing here?

Well, like you, Mr. Wasey,
I come for the duck,

for the interesting people,
for the beautiful flowers.

The usual, sir.

Gin? I hate gin.
Give me whiskey.

Naughty boy.
You tried to jilt us.

Tried to jilt you?
We've missed you, cheri.

Oh, you have?
I don't even know who you are.

I see you have
quite a following, Mr. Wasey.

Beat it.

Heavens above,
has the fetching Miss Tatlock

taken up
the oldest profession?

Don't be silly. You have a following
of your own there, Tatlock.

My God, Phil,
aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

My name is not Phil.

No, you're quite right.
You're not Phil at all, are you?

Mr. Tuttle,
this is my friend, Mr. Wasey.

Mr. Tuttle is
a distinguished journalist.

He's also
the foremost authority

on Walter Faraday in Shanghai.

Oh, well, what a coincidence.

Could this possibly
be the reason

we're dining in this
charming establishment?

I just didn't want you to think
we made the whole thing up.

Tell him, Willie.
Tell him the flowers really do exist.

Oh, they exist all right, old boy.
I've seen them.

Tell him where, Willie.

Faraday's villa,
the night he was killed.

Five crates of premium opium.

My God,
you look like Phil Borak.

You know, I hadn't the foggiest
idea how to help you before,

but now I've seen Mr. Wasey.

I think she'd be amused.
Don't you, Kronk?

I think she'd be fascinated.

Who? Who?

I'd like to introduce you
to a remarkable woman.

She trained as
an imperial concubine.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Wasey isn't
here to participate... No, wait.

She is very selective
and he is definitely her type.

And she works
off the premises.

But we don't have
the time or the money.

She believes
she's an empress.

The fortunate patron
becomes her emperor.

An emperor?
I absolutely forbid this!

Her name is China Doll and she's
Walter Faraday's mistress.

How much will it cost and when
can we pay our first visit?

This could be a setup.

Don't be silly.
I'm not.

Tuttle could be on some
gang's payroll. Kronk, too.

Then why would they agree to help us
and then turn around and hurt us?

Everybody else has.

Oh, too bad.

I guess we've got to go back.

Where did you learn that?
In missionary school?

No.

An exclusive girls'
school with an extremely strict curfew.

It says, "Welcome, Mr. Wasey."

Bon voyage.
Have a nice trip.

I've changed my mind.
I'm not going.

It's the last thing
I'll ever ask of you.

I promise.

You look sincere,
and you sound sincere,

and you're lying
through your teeth.

Well, then,

you leave me no alternative.

That's my ticket.

Where did you get that?

You picked my pocket.

I certainly did and I'm quite
prepared to tear it up.

Oh, you wouldn't do that.

Yes, I would.

You have no idea of the
depth of my determination.

Now I know why cannibals
like to barbeque missionaries.

* And I was captured
by her loneliness

* A wounded tiger
on a willowy path

* Like an opalescent moon
all alone

* In the sky of a foreign land

* Ooh, ooh

* She can take the breath

* Away from heaven

I see you admire Yehonala.

Was she a queen?

The Emperor fell
in love with Yehonala

in the heavenly gardens
of the Summer Palace.

She bore his only son.

When the Emperor died,

Yehonala was elevated
to Empress Dowager.

Attend him.

* In another life

* I woke up dreaming
with a sigh

* As the morning light

* Was painting
whispers of a joy

Take one.
It will assist you.

Well, I don't need
any assistance.

Can you be certain?

I'm fit as a fiddle.

My mistress is well-schooled
in such ceremonial acts as

The West Wind, The Wounded Tiger,
The Willow Path,

The Chair,
The Obedient Wife.

She has also mastered the
six blown breath stimulants,

the eight
shallow penetrations,

the nine minor
and 11 major positions,

as well as the technique
of passive acceptance,

forceful dominance,
contortion and mobile union.

* And I was captured
by her loneliness

* A wounded tiger
on a willowy path

* Like an iridescent moon
all alone

* In the sky of
a foreign land

* She can move your soul
without you knowing

* She can take your breath
away from heaven *

A good concubine always paints a whisper
of pleasure to come upon her emperor.

Do you know what this means?

Horse.

Now you must paint on me.

Do you know
the symbol for the whip?

Whip?

I'll try.

Tonight we shall begin
with the whip and the horse.

Whip?

Where are we going to find
a whip at this time of night?

Where else,
but at the end of the horse's tail.

Mr. Wasey, do you know
what time it is?

Uh, late for breakfast
or early for lunch.

It is precisely 7:33 a.m.
and I'd like a full report.

No, you wouldn't.

What did you find out
about Walter Faraday?

Walter who?

Oh.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, then,
exactly what did you do for eight hours?

Everything.

That's revolting.

I was having such a good time
I almost forgot my own name

until I walked in here just
now and you said "Mr. Wasey."

Then I suggest you march straight
back there for another meeting.

No, ma'am.

I'm tired, I'm hungry.

I'm gonna go out
and get a huge breakfast,

then I'm gonna come,
and I'm gonna lay in that bed

and I'm gonna get a good rest.

And if certain people
let me sleep,

then I might consider
your request.

Mr. Kronk!

Did you miss anything?
Would you like us to repeat it for you?

Please, dear friend,
we must talk at once.

Yeah, talk to her.
I'm going to breakfast.

But I have urgent information,
only ten Shanghai dollars.

Mr. Wasey,
you don't understand.

It could save your life.
They may kill you.

Look, I love you, Kronk, but you're
standing between me and my mission.

What do you mean?

I'm going to have those
nice cops over there guide me

to the best
breakfast joint in town.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
you mustn't.

Next time I see you,
I'll set you up with a nice tie.

Oh, no.

Please bring
Mr. Wasey a chair.

Mr. Wasey doesn't
want a chair.

He wants to know what the
hell is going on here.

I'm not interested
in your questions, Mr. Wasey.

Only your answers.

I'm minding my own business and your guys
haul me off like a common pickpocket.

Last night you went to see
a woman named China Doll.

Yes or no?

Why should I tell you anything?
Who the hell are you?

All you need to know
is that I'm a person

who can cause you
intense pain.

I'm an American citizen. I got a passport
registered with the U.S. Consulate.

There was once an emperor named Cheng
Wang who ruled during the Chin Dynasty.

His police caught
a peddler stealing roses

from the royal gardens
one afternoon.

They chopped off his head
on the spot.

When the emperor heard
about the incident,

he was furious at the
leniency of the sentence.

Come on. Wait, look.

I'll tell you anything
you want to know.

Indeed you will, Mr. Wasey.

But we must be certain
it's the truth.

In your country they have a
saying that an alert person

is someone who is
always on his toes.

Let us hope that you have a talent
for remaining on your toes.

Okay.

I did visit China Doll
last night.

Why?

I can't hear you, Mr. Wasey.

Flowers. Faraday's flowers.

Explain.

Opium. 1,000 pounds.
Five crates.

Thank God you're all right.

Mr. Kronk and I have been
worried sick about you.

You are all right,
aren't you, Mr. Wasey?

Go away. I'm sick.

Mr. Kronk knew the police were after you.
He tried to...

You're drunk, aren't you?

Oh, I am that. Yeah.

Go get under the shower
and sober up.

Oh, my gosh.

Did the police
do this to you?

They looked like police.

It must have been the police.

That's what Mr. Kronk
came to warn you about.

He had heard that they were concerned
about our interest in the flowers.

Yeah, the bastard probably
told them himself.

Ah!

They wouldn't resort
to such barbaric tactics

if we weren't on the right track.
And tonight...

Oh yeah. The right track
or wrong track, I'm out of it.

And tonight when you have your
second meeting with China Doll,

we'll have our breakthrough.

Tonight,

I'm going to be
laying right here.

Finding the opium is the most
important thing I'll ever do.

I can't find it
without your help.

I'm not budging
till tomorrow afternoon

where I sail out
of your life forever.

Please, Mr. Wasey,
I give you my word.

I'll never ask you to put
yourself in danger again.

I'll drink to that.

You'll have to volunteer.

I don't volunteer
to pass the salt.

You've got to help me.
You've just got to.

What are you doing?

You leave me no alternative

but to put you
under obligation.

No, no.

No, you don't. No, no.
You're not thinking.

You're bluffing, Miss Tatlock.

I'm merely placing you under the
obligation to continue helping me.

Is this something else you
picked up in missionary school?

Well, go all the way.

Go ahead. It won't do you
an ounce of good.

You're wasting...

You're wasting your time.
I'm not gonna look.

Could we please get on with this, Mr. Wasey?
We have a lot to do today.

No. Sorry. I had more fun
when I had the mumps.

I'm waiting, Mr. Wasey.

You can wait all day,
but I refuse to be put under obligation.

That doesn't obligate me
one little bit.

No.

You know, it's very pleasant,
but I'm still not obligated.

I am a man of steel.

What did you say, Mr. Wasey?
I can't hear you.

Oh, no.

Louder, please.

I'm obligated. I'm obligated.

Hey, watch it
with that stuff.

It'll tear a hole
in your stomach.

Good, maybe it'll balance
the hole in my head.

Oh, Mr. Wasey,

I've messed up everything.

No, you were an angel.

Angel?

I just blackmailed you
shamelessly.

Well, don't knock shameless.
You were great.

Mr. Wasey, I release you
from your obligation.

You mean no more China Doll?
No more Faraday's flowers? Nothing?

Absolutely.

Miss Tatlock!

It's not funny!

Well, this isn't going to do
much for my reputation.

Most girls reach
for a cigarette,

one or two have
left in a huff,

but nobody,

nobody has ever jumped
out the window before.

You know, I could have stayed
home in Brookline, Massachusetts,

and married a nice
Ivy League banker.

Why didn't you?

The whole country's
standing in a breadline

and I just wanted to
do something useful.

Look how I wind up,
with a bunch of chickens.

They're ducks.

Oh, maybe
your luck is changing.

I intend to honor
my obligation.

No, I just couldn't let myself ask
you to do another thing for me.

But still I got to insist.
I'm a man of my word.

I mean, you've done
enough for me already.

Miss Tatlock...
I will not have you seeing that woman again.

I won't have to.

You don't really think
I spent all that time

with China Doll without asking
her about Walter Faraday, do you?

It was a delicate subject.

I had to pick just the right
moment to bring it on.

Don't stop. Oh, God!
Don't stop. Don't stop.

Wasey,

don't you think
it's time for you

to ask me about the true
purpose of your visit?

Now?

What better time for two
people to reveal the truth?

The truth? What truth?

The truth about
Faraday's flowers.

Oh, that. What about 'em?

They say the flowers
were stolen by a servant,

Wu Ch'En She.

I knew that already.

Perhaps I can help you.

Later.

Later you may forget.

When Walter insisted
I leave Shanghai with him,

Wu hid me.

And in return,

I arranged a buyer for
the opium he would steal.

His name is Joe Go.

Joe Go?
Where do I find this Joe Go?

Mmm, later, Wasey.

Well, for heaven's sakes,
did she tell you where to find this Joe Go?

Glendon, I'm talking to you.

Oh. Um...

Well, of course she told me
where to find him.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Quite frankly, Miss Tatlock,
I couldn't stand you before.

You are Mr. Wasey?

Yeah.

Joe Go awaits you.

Joe Go,
a regular Dizzy Dean, huh?

What do you think?
You ever see Dizzy pitch?

Sure.

I saw him beat the Reds on the
Fourth of July at Crosley Field.

Fantastic!

So what's a nice
all-American boy like you

want with 1,000 pounds
of opium, huh?

Would you believe that's what it takes
to get back to Los Angeles these days?

China Doll said
you have a pretty face

and I should tell you all I
know about Faraday's flowers.

Okay.

About a year ago Joe Go
put up big down payment

so Wu Ch'en She can deliver five
crates of super Grade A opium.

Only crates turn into five
loads of super grade A bricks

and one small ball
of Faraday's opium.

Someone pulled a switch.
Wu Ch'En She?

Definitely not Wu.

Joe Go have Yamagani San
beat Wu to a pulp.

No, if someone
make the switch,

Joe Go bet on Faraday.

What was that?

Very hot item.

Joe Go call it
Shanghai Surprise.

See. Stockpiling's
hell of a damn good business.

Look.

Coca-Cola, Budweiser,

Gillette Blue Blades.
Opium, penny ante business.

Do you think
the flowers still exist?

Joe Go ask himself, "If flowers don't exist,
why does Wu still exist?"

You mean he's really alive?

Could we speak to him?

Tell you what,
Joe Go out his down payment.

You want to speak to Wu?

You take Joe Go
off the hook. Okay?

Okay.

Let's see.

I have, uh, $38.

Sister, $38 may get you ten
cartons of Lucky Strike Greens,

but Joe Go is in hole
for 12,000 big ones.

I might have something
worth more than that.

Jo Go know fastball,
curveball, change-up,

even the elusive screwball.

But what the hell was
this wondrous pitch?

A knuckleball.

Ah, yes. Word of this magic
has come to Joe Go's ears.

You will teach me?

After you bring us
to Wu Ch'En She.

Teach first.

I'd stay here if I were you.

Don't be silly.

This could be
the end of our search.

Okay, let's go.

Hey!
Hey!

Give me my purse back!

Glen!

Glen!

Are you Wu Ch'En She?

Where are Faraday's flowers?

Who did this to you? Who?

I'm not sure, but I think it means
"The last phoenix." Whatever that is.

Well, in Chinese mythology, the phoenix
has always been a symbol of benevolence.

What puzzles me is
why you were tortured.

It's just that,
since the occupation,

the police have stopped torturing people
except for purely political reasons.

That makes sense.

I mean, this guy stopped
stretching my neck

the minute I mentioned opium.

Sadistic no-hands bastard.

No hands? Are you certain?

Well, it's pretty hard to make a
mistake about a thing like that.

I saw a Chinese officer
called Mei Gan

have his hands blown off
the night Walter was killed.

Like everyone else,
I've always thought

that the bad blood between those
two had to do with the opium.

But looking back
on the meticulous way

he searched that money belt,

it's entirely possible the dispute between
them had to do with something else.

There was a warlord in the
North who became an outlaw.

His name was also Mei Gan.

You know everything, don't you, Kronk?
I beg your pardon?

Yeah,
you know when the police want to see me,

you know where to get insurance,
you know who is who.

You probably know how many damn
freckles I have on my ass!

Glendon!
What's the matter with you?

Him! He's what's
the matter with me.

I mean, who is this guy?
What does he want?

I should be happy
to answer you, Mr. Wasey.

I think you're a very
enterprising individual.

I have no doubt whatsoever that
you will accomplish your task.

I am just as certain
that in some small way

I will help you
achieve your goal.

And if I am correct,
I expect to be rewarded.

As I'm sure
Mr. Tuttle here

expects fair payment
for services rendered.

After all, dear boy,

it was I that introduced
you to China Doll.

We're The Helping Hand,

not Handouts Anonymous.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

I wish you'd give up
this opium business

and just go back
to saving souls.

Mr. Wasey, believe me, I'm not some
little lamb who's lost in the woods.

No, you're not lost in woods,
you're lost in a jungle.

Shanghai is the most
dangerous city...

See what I mean?

Joe Go awaits you.

Well, you can just tell Joe Go to
await us a little longer, okay?

Joe Go await you now!

Looks like we're in for
a little night baseball.

Hey, Big Stick!
Joe Go on pins and needles.

What did old Hookah Head
have to say, huh?

Well, he blinked a few times,
blew a few smoke rings

and whistled a mean chorus of Beat Me,
Daddy, Eight to the Bar.

Don't throw Joe Go
curveball, Big Stick!

Just explain what he said about
monkey business around neck.

Tell him, Glen.
What have we got to lose?

All he said was,
"The last phoenix."

Son of a gun.

Yeah, something to do
with Chinese mythology.

Mythology?

Joe Go, student of
Chinese mythology shit.

Phoenix, huh? Okay.

First phoenix come up to bat during
the reign of Huang-ti, Yellow Emperor.

Phoenix come up
to bat last time

when it scratch
at grave of Hung-wu,

first emperor
of the Ming.

Scratched at the emperor's...
It doesn't mean anything, does it?

Wu not only junkie, but,
uh, crazy as a bedbug.

Oh, Joe Go very,
very sorry about bump on head.

But just pretend
it was wild pitch.

Okey-dokey.

Let's go.

Well, Miss Tatlock,
I guess this is the end of the line for me.

What time does your boat
leave tomorrow?

4:00.

I'll try to get down to
the docks to see you off.

Well, I'd like that.

I better take this taxi.

Miss Tatlock,

do you ever wonder about what might have
happened if we had met someplace else?

The bar at the
Coconut Grove or...

Oh, make it a church picnic,
Easter Sunday.

You've never been to a
church picnic in your life.

That's right, I haven't.

Thank Burns for me,
all right?

For what?

For the intro.

If it hadn't been for him,
we never would have met in a million years.

Wait.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I don't mind.

* I hope you won't let go

* Maybe you'll let me know

* That you'll be saddened
like you've never been

* Regretting that we'll leave

* And for a while
I could comfort you

* And hold you for some time

* I need you now
to be beside me

* While all my world
is sad and crazy

* Loneliness

* Empty faces

* Wish I could leave them all

* In someplace else

Good evening, Mr. Wasey.

We regret the necessity
for the hostile behavior,

but we didn't feel you'd
receive us cordially.

I'm so sorry.
I really do abhor these nasty little things.

You better keep it on me or I'm
gonna have to kick you out of here.

As you wish. We'll get
straight to the point.

After dinner...
We went to Mr. Tuttle's newspaper

and looked up Mei Gan
in the morgue.

Look.

That's the son-of-a-bitch
before he lost his hands.

But...
But look at the headline on that clipping.

"Did This Man
Loot the Royal Tombs?"

It would appear that Mei Gan added grave
robbing to his repertoire of activities.

Would you care to guess
who Mei Gan is sitting with?

You tell me.

My dear departed friend,
Walter Faraday.

Wait a minute.

They say the last phoenix
scratched at the emperor's grave.

So, if Mei Gan
also robbed graves,

that would be why Wu'd
call him the last phoenix.

Very good.

And one of the graves
he plundered

was the tomb
of the Empress Tzu Hsi.

The Empress Tzu Hsi was also known
by her family name, Yehonala.

Yehonala?

Boys, I owe you a dinner.

I have come to ask something
only Yehonala would know.

What treasures did the warlord
Mei Gan plunder from your tomb?

Do you think I would reveal to
you what I have told no one else

merely because you resemble
someone I once cared for?

Not at all. I'm hoping
you'd tell me

so that I can convince some good
people they're chasing a rainbow.

The desecrator Mei Gan
stole everything.

Yehonala's paintings,
swords, scrolls,

my porcelain dreams
and my heavenly gardens.

Heavenly gardens?
A flower garden?

A bouquet
of beautiful violets.

Stems, emeralds.

The buds, rubies.

The leaves, diamonds.

Faraday's flowers.

Yehonala's flowers.

Faraday stole them
from Mei Gan.

Walter was persuaded
to retrieve from a thief

what always belonged
to Yehonala.

All right.

I'll tell my friends only
that the opium does not exist.

Yehonala has done me
a great service.

She also makes me very sad.

Why sad, Wasey?

I've met Mei Gan.

He'll stop at nothing to get
back what Faraday took from him.

He'll come after you.

Mei Gan came to me
a year ago,

after Walter died.

He did this to me.

Okay.

You've been a most
resourceful young man.

I commend you.

Look, whatever you want to know,
I'll tell you.

You've not only mastered the
enigma of Chinese mythology,

but judging from where
you've just come,

I suspect you've also solved the
mystery of the Heavenly Gardens.

Look, it was opium
I was after, not jewels.

4:00 this afternoon,
I'm on my way back to Los Angeles.

Oh. How do you
intend to travel?

By steamship
or burlap sack?

You've got
to be kidding.

I assure you if your
answer is burlap sack,

I can accommodate
you immediately.

Steamship, of course.

Good. Then you are
free to embark

the moment you return
the Heavenly Gardens to me.

You know who has them.
Why can't you just get them?

Because the lady is immune
to my methods of persuasion.

So what makes you think I'm
going to be more successful?

I mean, she's crazy.

She thinks
she's an empress.

In your country when two
men conclude a deal,

I believe it's customary
to shake hands.

Don't be impolite, Mr. Wasey.
It would offend me.

No opium?

My source was so reliable.

I can't believe that Faraday's
flowers was merely a bunch of jewels.

Merely a bunch of jewels?

Jesus Christ!

Would you...
Tell him, we've hit the jackpot here.

Mr. Burns, those jewels can buy more
opium than we've ever dreamed of.

We are missionaries,
Miss Tatlock.

We're not in the business
of fencing stolen property.

Well, we can't turn our back
on those suffering men.

She won't just
hand you the jewels.

From what you've told us,
this woman's crazy.

Look, so she's crazy. Maybe
she's just crazy enough...

Maybe she's just crazy enough to buy
some sermon about saving her army.

At least she's willing
to meet Miss Tatlock.

Well, it's highly
unconventional, but go.

Go, with my blessings.

Has Yehonala given any
thought to my proposal?

I must ask your friend
a question, Wasey.

You say you wish
to help my country.

Why should my jewels be used
to buy the opium drug

instead of guns?

Guns cause pain.
Opium eases pain.

I stripped the empress
of the original glass stones,

painted the jewels
and sewed them on.

A ruby.

Thank you.

Now you must go.

You will not be safe until you
dispose of the Heavenly Gardens.

You know, you've really done
a wonderful thing, Glen.

I hope you always
feel that way.

Why wouldn't I?

Sometimes things look
different in the light of day.

Will you miss China Doll,
Mr. Wasey?

Uh-oh.
Oh, it's only the police.

What are we going to do?

Give ourselves up,
I guess.

No. I'm not going with him.
He's a gangster.

Better hop in, Big Stick.
You've got big trouble.

Help me, Joe Go.
The man has lost his mind.

Go! Go!

Stop! Let's go!
Let's get away!

Going somewhere,
Mr. Wasey?

Hey there, good buddy.

I was just looking for you.

It did not appear
that way to me.

You were trying to get away
with your friends.

No, no, no, no.
These are not my friends.

They abducted me.

I'm relieved.

I was beginning to think a
handshake meant nothing to you.

No. I'm a man of my word,
and a deal is a deal.

Deal? What deal?

A very generous deal.

Yeah, a real bargain, see.

I get him the jewels
and he lets me stay alive.

You deceitful jelly-spined
backstabbing bastard.

You didn't learn that
in Brookline, Massachusetts.

No. I got it from associating
with... With pricks like you!

Enough of this.

Now, Mr. Wasey,
you will kindly return to me what is mine.

Be glad to.

I was sure it was...
Did... Did I give it to you?

No, you rat,
you took them from me.

You should pray
you haven't deceived me.

Permit us.

Hey, easy on the shirt.

Nothing in it, Mei Gan.
Just personal junk.

Family pictures,
picture of my mom, dog.

You open it.

There's nothing in it.

My handicap makes it difficult
to test your honesty. Open it!

Okay, but it's
a waste of time.

My little black book.

My membership,
Peking YMCA.

And my... Oh, my library card's expired.
Damn.

And my

Lone Ranger badge.

Silk stockings.

You're never lonely with
a pair of silk stockings.

Hershey bar.

This is pictures.

That's it.
That's everything.

One more compartment,
Mr. Wasey.

Now, I know that
that looks promising,

but there are nothing but mothballs in there,
I assure you.

Open it!

Suit yourself.

See?
Mothballs.

Don't be sore,
old buddy. Okay?

There are just times that
you can't get what you want

by stringing people up
by the neck,

or bullying them into double-crossing
someone they care about.

Or even pulling out
their fingernails,

you sorry sadistic
son-of-a-bitch.

How dare you talk
to Mei Gan like that!

I timed that speech
to last just that long!

Come on!

I forgot I can't swim.

I was worried about you when you
picked up that Shanghai Surprise.

You were slick, Big Stick.
Really slick.

Thanks.

Too bad the jewels
went up in smoke, huh?

Yeah, better them than us.
Better neither.

Oh, my gosh!
Give them to me.

Joe Go, can you take us
to the mission?

I'll deliver them personally.

Hey!

Stockpiling is great, but robbery is better.
Thanks, Big Stick.

I do not accept this!
I do not accept this!

You give those
back to me!

Sister, you always...

How's that for a ball game,
you little creep?

Come on...

God damn it!

Now what's the matter?

If I had had that kind of
control when I needed it,

I'd be pitching
for the Yankees now

instead of selling
crummy painted ties.

Thank God you're safe.

We did it.

It's a miracle.

Hello.

Come on, fellas,
not again.

Don't be offended, old boy.
We're only looking after our own interests.

And it would appear
our timing is immaculate.

Brothers, I don't suppose an appeal
from a humble servant of the Lord

could move your sense
of compassion and humility.

Oh, bugger off,
you old fart.

That's a shame.

Mr. Burns?

That's for trying
to stick me up, Willie.

And that's the time
you nearly left me to drown.

Poor Willie. He never
had a gift for larceny.

Miss Tatlock,
if I were you, I'd sit down.

I think you've just
witnessed a resurrection.

Oh, nothing so dramatic.

Plucked from the sea by
a timely fisherman's net,

and a year in Osaka to patch
myself up and plan my return.

Mr. Burns.
You're not Mr. Burns.

No, ma'am.
I'm just an ex-opium king

who stole some jewels for a lovely
lady who refused to return them.

So I had to solicit
some outside help,

and heaven dealt me
a winning hand.

Yeah, me.

Because I looked like somebody that
China Doll was once in love with.

Right.

And now, Mr. Wasey,
I don't want to miss my boat.

Will you kindly hand over
that ticket that I gave you?

I earned that ticket.
Hand it over.

Thank you. And now move.
Go on, both of you. Move.

Now, Jack, in your box.

You, too, Jill.

I can't.
My skirt's too tight.

Get in.

Come on...
Get in!

Faraday, just one thing.
Was there ever any opium?

Sure. Just like I told you.
1,100 pounds.

One day some lucky sap
will find it.

See you in church, suckers.

Goddamn phony
missionary con artist.

Stop swearing and
get us out of this!

Well, you're the expert
on picking locks.

Okay. How's this?

Damn!

Jiggle your crate,
it'll fall out.

Maybe I can
knock it free.

Of all the incompetent,
irresponsible, mindless things to do!

And I'm still stuck in here!
Somebody get me out of here!

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Burns.

You're not Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns just took...
Well, see, he wasn't really...

You're Mr. Burns.

And you must be Miss Tatlock.

I was told you'd be here when I
returned from the mission in Peking.

We're expecting
great things of you.

Yeah, well, give me half an hour
and you won't be disappointed.

Hey!

Broken every bone
in my body.

You... You know, Miss Tatlock, The Helping
Hand is opposed to these Eastern practices.

Don't knock it
till you've tried it, pal.

Wait!
What's the matter?

He's got a gun.

You two must be
related to Houdini.

Don't come any closer.

You're very welcome
to those little baubles.

Really. I'm happy for you
to have them.

Except I doubt if they'd cover
the price of a Chinese dinner.

Don't listen to him.
He's trying to trick us.

We've all been tricked.

You know how tough
diamonds are supposed to be?

Allow me.

You have to hand it
to China Doll.

It's the third time
she's outfoxed me.

First she gets me
to steal the damn things,

then she leaves me
to Mei Gan,

and now she heads for
the hills a rich lady,

and leaves me
with this bag of rubbish.

But I've always
been a pushover

for somebody who
beat me at my own game.

Your turn.

It's very therapeutic.

Rid you of
a lot of frustration.

Look, kids,

it's finished here
in Shanghai.

Party's over.
It's time to pack up and go home.

There's plenty of room.
We could all bunk together.

Well, maybe he's right.
What do you think?

If you think you're still going
to find that opium, forget it.

Faraday's flowers
are just a wilted memory.

Perhaps I'll stay on here
a while.

And do what?

I could give being
a missionary a try.

You mean no drinking,
no gambling, no whoring?

My boy, I've tried it.
It's hell on earth.

Ah, the last call.

I better be going.

I hope you make
a killing on your ties.

Miss Tatlock.

From now on, I'm gonna try like
hell to live up to my obligations.

But I'll never be
as good at it as you.

Goodbye, Glendon.

My boy, you made
the right decision.

She's a nice girl,
but who needs nice girls?

Now, I'm going to finish my shave,
take a shower,

then we'll break open
that bottle of bubbly.

She's right, you know.

You're gonna make a killing
with those crates.

What with my connections in LA,
you're gonna be a rich man.

Do you hear me?

I said you're
gonna be rich.

Yeah, I heard you.

* You got into my life

* I don't know how
you found me

* But you did

* It stopped me
heading someplace else

* Took me a while to say

I'm getting off. There are
three trunks in there.

Get some help
and bring them up.

* But now I'm saddened
like I've never been

* Regretting that we'll leave

* So for a while
could you comfort me

* And hold me for some time

* I need you now
to be beside me

Tatlock!

Tatlock! Tatlock!

Tatlock!

* Empty faces

Move! Move, move!

* Wish I could leave them all

* In someplace else

What made you decide to stay?

I never got your first name.

It's Gloria.

Come here, Gloria Tatlock.

Stop the boat!
Somebody, stop the boat!

Will you stop this boat?

Hey, hey, I am sorry, but this boat
don't stop until we reach Honolulu.

What is he doing?

Glendon?

Maybe he's just upset
'cause I didn't say goodbye.

God damn it.

A wilted memory, huh?

Son-of-a-bitch.

Gloria,

if I were you I would wave
and blow him a big kiss.

I will not. He's an evil,
horrible man.

Wave anyway.
That evil, horrible man

just sent you the best bouquet
a girl could ever want.

Wave, Gloria!

* I don't understand
how I got delayed

* I should be sailing today
on a liner

* Was kicked in the ass
on a dock at Yangtze

* It's no way for a man
to see China

* But I'm ready

* You must be crazy
* Crazy

* And you got no money
* Money

* But you're a trier

* My straits are dire
from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to meet you
but I've broken my chopstick

* Sometimes there's
no hope in

* In chasing promises

* I'd wanna love you

* Though it could prove
to be unwise

* Shanghai surprise

* Whatever you're saying,
I want it anyway in

* Been hanging 'round
for a ride on your rickshaw

* Oh, babe

* You may correct me,
now that you've inspected me

* Come over here

* Let me feel you
cut down to size

* Oh, Shanghai surprise

* My straits are dire
from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to know you
but I'm not really social

* Sometimes it's no joke,
can't cope with opium

* I'd like to love you

* But I'm not sure
what's in your eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* Shanghai surprise

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