All language subtitles for Mike.and.Molly.s02e09 - Mike Cheats.eng

Hello my name is Gary
and I'm an overeater.

Hi Gary.

Well I had an extraordinary week

and shed yet another pound,

which brings a grand total
for the year

to a hard fought
and well earned seven.

Thank you.

One lousy pound and he's acting
like he won an Oscar.

Well buckle up buddy,
cause I've lost three

and I'm going full-on
Sally Field.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is
upon us,

and with my newfound strength,
I do not fear it.

Bring on your Turkey and
stuffing, your mashed potatoes

and mouth-watering gravy,

your buttery Crescent rolls
and pumpkin pie slathered

in pillowy
clouds of whipped cream.

Wrap it up, Harry.

Course that won't be a problem
for me this year

because my mother's going
to my brother's house,

so my Thanksgiving
will be a holiday lean cuisine

flavored by my salty tears.

We should invite him
to our house.

You heard him,
he's already got plans.

Thank you, Harry.

I have the in-laws
at my place. Otherwise...

Save it!

All right. Well, we have time
for one more.

Oh, that's me.

So, you probably got a full
house at your place, huh?

Uh, unfortunately.
Molly's family, my mother.

Boy, I'd trade places
with you in a heartbeat.

Well, if you think it'd be
okay with Molly, I'm game.

Hi, my name is Molly
and I'm an overeater.

Hi, Molly.

Don't you hate it when people
come up here and they, you know,

tell you they've lost
a bunch of weight

and they had an amazing week?

Well, let the hating begin
because this gal has lost

not one, not two,
but three pounds.

If you wanna throw something at
me, fruit and vegetables only.

Grant me the
serenity to accept...

the courage to change
the things I can,

and the wisdom to know
the difference.

Mike, what are you doing?

Nothing.

I smell nougat.

Keep your voice down.

No big deal.
It's just one candy bar.

Well, there's no such thing as
just "one" candy bar.

One is too many and a thousand
is not enough.

Come on. A thousand could last a
guy at least a couple of weeks.

Listen, you've got a problem,

and I'm volunteering
to be your sponsor.

Hitch your wagon of weakness
to my tow truck of willpower.

Right.

Nobody needs to
know about this,

especially Molly.
Besides, I'll be fine.

No, you won't.

Thanksgiving is coming up

and you need somebody
right by your side.

Or across the table
or boy-girl, boy-girl.

Whatever your seating plan is.

Hey, why'd
you guys sneak out?

I got this.

Molly, your boyfriend has
a problem.

Harry...

He asked me to spend
Thanksgiving with you and yours,

and he didn't
clear it with you.

Oh. Of course,
you're more than welcome.

Will it just be you?

I don't know.
The bulimic in the front row was

kinda giving daddy
the sweet knees.

Just put him down for one.

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

Sync and corrections by GeirDM
www.addic7ed.com

one Denver omelet
with buttered toast

and hash browns, extra crispy

and one cup of herbal tea,
no honey, extra lemon.

Thank you.

What? I'm not hungry.

Yeah, and I'm not black, virile
and handsome.

Ditto.

I had a piece of toast
at the house.

Was it being used as a coaster
for a honeybaked ham?

And you can't tell me
you're not hungry.

Your stomach's been growling all
morning.

It sounded like a grizzly bear

opening the door
to a haunted house.

I'll keep a short stack
at the ready

in case gentle Ben
comes out of hibernation.

Hey, I'm
just eating light

so that on Thanksgiving I can
have a little extra stuffing

and maybe some dessert.

And there it is, the first lie
of the holiday season.

God bless us everyone.

Let it go, okay?

Fine, I'm not
gonna push it.

Oh, by the way,
I'm bringing Christina

with me and grandma
this year.

A date at Thanksgiving?

I thought you didn't like

to be "hamstrung
by the holiday hoochie."

Well, I'm bending a lot of
rules for Christina.

This is the woman I'm planning
on ringing in the new year with.

Does she know that you wear the
sash and the diaper

even when no one asks you to?

She will when the clock
strikes midnight.

Geez, I'm starving to death.

I need more lemons.
Samuel!

What the hell was that?

Sorry, I think
I had a loose button.

Loose? It would've fallen into
your lap.

That thing hit me in the head
like a Chinese throwing star.

My shirt must have
shrunk in the dryer.

Yeah, well, next time you might
wanna climb in with it.

It's for your own good, Jim.

You need to quit chewing
your ding-dong

like it's got
peanut butter in it.

Thanks for holding onto
these clothes, mom.

Saves me from having
to buy new ones.

Well, it didn't take
a magic eight ball

to know you were gonna put those
pounds back on

and come a-knocking
for your "chubby duds."

It's just temporary.

I'll drop this weight before
Molly finds out about it.

Is that why
you're starving yourself?

So she can parade you around
in tank tops and skinny jeans?

Mom, my "skinny jeans" have
12 belt loops

and my tank tops are
"tank tops."

I, for one, love you
for who you are.

Unlike your fiancée who seems
hell-bent

on turning you into
a Chippendale dancer.

Mom, people have
actually offered me money

to keep my clothes on.

And don't talk
about Molly that way.

She only wants
what's best for me.

All right,
don't bite my head off.

Sounds to me like somebody's got

a bad case of the
"hungry-grumblies."

You'd be grumbly, too,

if you were living on dry toast
and lemon wedges.

Oh, my God, that awful woman is
killing you.

How 'bout mommy makes you
a nice bowl

of macaroni and cheese while you
put on your big boy itches?

Probably wouldn't hurt for me
to have a little something.

I'll slice up
a few wienies in it.

That way you're getting
your protein.

Thanks, mom.

Don't judge me.
I've seen you eat cat poop.

You guys are gonna love
these mashed potatoes.

It's a new recipe

that I found in
my healthy living cookbook.

Mmm.
All right? Oop.

Amazing.

Mmm! Sweetie,
these are delicious.

And here's the kicker, they're
not really mashed potatoes.

They're pureed cauliflower.

Yech.
Blech.

Oh, come on!
A second ago you loved it.

A second ago
it was potatoes.

You tricked us.

I don't like that.

Sorry I'm late. My mom needed me
to unclog her disposal,

and the thing blew coffee
grounds all over me,

which is why I'm wearing this
shirt you've never seen before.

Well, dinner's almost ready.

Actually, I'm not hungry.
I had a late lunch.

A late, light, sensible lunch.

Not hungry? I've heard
him say "not"

and I've heard him
say "hungry,"

never the two together.

You don't think
he's getting "fed"

somewhere else, do you?
Stop it.

Like that big ol' Maine coon
cat we used to have. Buster!

He'd come home late and walk
right past his food dish.

That's right. The divorcée
up the street was

giving him fancy feast,
rubbing his belly

and calling him "Rodney."
Mm-hmm.

I don't think...

And she wasn't the only one.

We had to tie a little bell
around his neck

so we'd know
where he was.

And he'd always come home
just to sleep and go potty.

That's how I knew

he was eating
three dinners a day.

His litter box started
looking like an ashtray

at a Cuban card game.

Harry, you gotta help me.

I just ate two bowls of Mac
and cheese at my mom's.

What does it matter if
it's the packaged kind?

What matters is I ate it

right out of the pot
with my bare hands.

Mike? Oh.

Who you talking to?

Nobody. Just, uh, checking
my voicemail,

seeing if anybody called.

How are you?

I'm good. Everything okay?

Yep. Never better.

Are ya gonna answer that?

Yes, I am. I just didn't
want to be rude.

Hello.

Hey, Harry, what's up, my man?

Oh, no! That's horrible.

I'll be right over.

Apparently, he's crawled
into a bag of Oreos

and he's trying
to eat his way out.

I'm surprised he got
reception in there.

Oreos: The double-stuffed
train to hell.

I may actually have to put
a bell around his neck.

Listen, you don't have to worry
about Molly finding out.

This is a men's-
only group.

Harry, I'm not ready
to share.

I'm still burping up
wienies and cheese.

Oh, man, do I miss
those burps.

But we've got to get you back
on the road to recovery.

All right, let's do this thing.

Just remember,
the first step is

to be honest
with yourself

so you can be honest
with everybody else.

And it's even
more challenging

being a gay man
with weight issues.

By the way, my name is Kevin,
you're Ronaldo,

and we're very much in love.

Our primary purpose is

to abstain from
compulsive overeating

and to carry this
message of recovery

to those who
still suffer.

Harry, I'm gonna be fine.
Let's just get out of here.

All you have to do
is stand up,

pretend to be gay and admit that
you're powerless over food...

And my beautiful
brown eyes.

Fine, I'll go first.

You have
a very commanding presence.

Hello, my name is Kevin
and I'm an overeater.

Hi, Kevin.

Well, things are going
really super for me.

Ronaldo and I are very happy...

And gay.

We both have
weight issues

and occasionally
we stumble,

but there is
no judgment.

Our relationship
is based on honesty.

It is the glue that
holds us together.

That and our
adopted African son, Chadwick.

I didn't want kids,

but Kevin up there really wanted
to be a mommy.

I apologize for
bringing up Chadwick,

but I had to make
it believable

because of my palpable
hetero vibe.

Fine.

And I'm sorry I didn't
share tonight,

but I'll be back on my diet
first thing in the morning.

Why are you pulling
into a drive-thru?

I'm gonna grab a diet coke.
You want anything?

No, I don't and
neither do you.

I'm just getting
something to drink.

Oh, the siren smell of fries.
It's like a salty whorehouse.

Could I get
a diet coke, please?

You sure you don't want anything?
No Mike,

please get us out of this

godforsaken island
of temptation.

Are those chicken tenders
made with white meat?

Slippery slope!
Slippery slope!

You know what, strike that.

How about a grilled
chicken sandwich

and a small order of fries?

Do not give this man food!

Stop it.

No chicken sandwich,
no coke, no fries!

One chicken sandwich,
one coke, one fries.

No!

It's out of my hands.

I will not be party to this.
On second thought,

forget the chicken sandwich.

I'll have a double
bacon cheeseburger.

You shall not pass!

Pay at the first window, please.

I don't think I want
to be your sponsor anymore.

So what time did Mike
finally get home last night?

I don't know, it was late

and I was already asleep.
Just snuck in, huh?

That's what
Buster would do.

Okay, stop it.

Mike's not a cat.
He's also not cheating on me.

He is, however,
cheating on his diet

and he's trying
to hide it from me.

That explains
why I've been finding

candy wrappers
in my bird feeder.

Oh no, it's gotten that bad?

Well, it's either him

or the finches are feeding
their babies milk duds.

And I didn't want to say
anything, but my munchie drawer

has definitely been
compromised.

Victoria, are you sure it was Mike?
Pretty sure.

My cheetos were gone and
the TV remote was orange

and tasted like cheese.

You know, I was
very instrumental

in getting Mike and
Molly together.

I didn't realize you were
such a romantic, Carl.

Oh yes. I may have
a tough, rugged exterior,

but inside I'm like
two baby ducks

giving each other
butterfly kisses.

Ring the bell, fool.

This pie is hot and
my behind is cold.

When he starts rambling on like that,
just sing a song in your head.

That's what I do.

Don't worry, Vince,
I'll get it.

How long till we eat?

Well, if you hopped in the oven

with an apple in your mouth,
I'd say four hours.

Hey, happy Thanksgiving. Hi!
Happy Thanksgiving.

Molly, I'd like you to meet
my special lady, Christina.

Christina, this is Molly.

It's so nice
to finally meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Hi, Nana.
Hey, sweetie.

Where's Mike?

Oh, he's been upstairs
all morning.

Oh, yeah, the diet thing.
You want me to talk to him?

Would you? I-I don't think he's
ready to talk to me.

Oh, yeah, it'll be fine.
I'll be right back.

And if that old woman starts
to tell Christina the story

about me and the blind girl
at Bible camp,

knock the drink out her hand
and come get me. Will do.

Right after
I hear the story.

Come on in.

Oh, no. Hawaiian shirt
and sweatpants.

Why don't you just put on
a muumuu and be done with it?

It's not a big deal.
It's supposed to be a casual gathering.

Yeah, but we ain't playing
ukuleles and juggling fire sticks.

All right, I may have put
on a couple of pounds,

but trust me, Friday morning
I'm back in the saddle.

The way you're going,
by Friday morning

you're gonna be
wearing a saddle.

Carl, please don't tell Molly.

She lost three pounds
last week and all I lost

was a nutter butter
I dropped in the shower.

Eating in the shower again?

But I thought things
were going so good.

I've never been
happier in my life.

And because of that

I think I may have let
my guard down a little.

So you put on a few pounds
and that made you feel guilty,

which caused you to eat more.

Exactly. Next thing you know,
I'm hiding snack cakes

in my gym shoes and
dressing like Don Ho-Bo.

Wait, you actually went out
and bought gym shoes?

Hey, that's good cardio
in and of itself.

Carl, Bible camp.

Gotta go.

Hey, nice outfit.

You want to
borrow my coconut bra?

There's something
I need to tell you.

Have a seat.

Hope you're not seeing
another woman

because we don't have
any more chairs downstairs.

I'm not having an affair.

But I have been sneaking around
and hiding something from you.

You've fallen off your diet.

You know?

Of course I know.

I spend every day with you.
I sleep with you.

I put my
arms around you.

And you figured out your arms
aren't getting any shorter?

No.

I'm sorry
to disappoint you.

Mike, the only thing
that disappointed me

was that you didn't feel that you
could come talk to me about it.

I didn't want you
to think I was weak.

And especially since
you're doing so good.

Yeah, for now.

But just last month I ate a
whole bag of my sister's cheetos

while I was watching
the Chicago marathon.

She really needs to put
a lock on that munchie drawer.

She really needs
to quit smoking pot.

You know, one of the perks of
this whole relationship thing

is that you get to tell the
other person everything.

You want to hear
the best part?

What?

They never stop
loving you.

Listen, everyone, Mike and I are
going to go out for a little while.

Just enjoy yourselves.

When the oven dings,
take the Turkey out.

Based on this group, that's
probably gonna fall on you.

Got it.

And don't worry about
saving anything for me.

I've been a little
remiss in my diet.

Oh, and Harry,

the secret's out.
I told her everything.

Did you tell her about
our baby Chadwick

and the room full of gay men?

I'll explain it in the car.
Oh...

Where are you two going?

We're going
to an O.A meeting.

It's Thanksgiving.

Yeah, well, I've been celebrating
the holiday for a while now.

Hey, you want to take
some banana pudding

for the drive over?

Wow. Really?

No thanks, mom.
You're gonna have to

figure out a different way
to show me your love.

How the hell am I
supposed to do that?

All right, I took the cone off.
No chewing your ass.

You okay?

A little shaky.

Right here with you, pal.

All right, does anyone
else want to share?

Hi, my name's Mike
and I'm an overeater.

Hi, Mike.

Sync and corrections by GeirDM
www.addic7ed.com