Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:33,600
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
2
00:00:35,005 --> 00:00:36,506
MAN: I don't know
what the fuck is going on
3
00:00:36,508 --> 00:00:38,274
in this country, man!
4
00:00:38,276 --> 00:00:40,610
Every day I turn on the TV,
5
00:00:40,612 --> 00:00:44,481
and I see these fucking freaks
marching for their rights!
6
00:00:44,483 --> 00:00:46,416
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
7
00:00:46,418 --> 00:00:48,184
What about our rights?
8
00:00:48,186 --> 00:00:49,952
(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT)
9
00:00:49,954 --> 00:00:52,355
This is our time
to show the world
10
00:00:52,357 --> 00:00:54,391
that we are not
just an online movement!
11
00:00:54,393 --> 00:00:56,292
(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT)
12
00:00:56,294 --> 00:00:57,460
We're growing physically!
13
00:00:57,462 --> 00:01:00,163
This is our time
to assert ourselves
14
00:01:00,165 --> 00:01:02,198
as the true voice of America!
15
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,367
MEN: (SHOUTING) Yeah!
16
00:01:04,369 --> 00:01:05,635
Yes, let's do that!
17
00:01:05,637 --> 00:01:08,304
MAN: Now, you may have noticed
18
00:01:08,306 --> 00:01:10,507
that our friend Aryan Grande
19
00:01:10,509 --> 00:01:12,242
has brought in a new recruit.
20
00:01:12,244 --> 00:01:15,011
FucktheJews82.
Welcome, brother!
21
00:01:15,013 --> 00:01:16,914
ALL: Yeah!
22
00:01:17,982 --> 00:01:20,048
Hi. Heil. Heil, everybody.
23
00:01:20,050 --> 00:01:21,984
White power. Obviously.
24
00:01:21,986 --> 00:01:25,020
Been a big fan of you guys
for a while.
25
00:01:25,022 --> 00:01:26,188
Since World War II, really.
26
00:01:26,190 --> 00:01:30,292
That's when you made your
big entrance, on the scene.
27
00:01:30,294 --> 00:01:33,631
And, uh... Yeah.
Just, um, in closing...
28
00:01:34,732 --> 00:01:37,032
- Fuck the Jews!
- ALL: (SHOUT) Yeah!
29
00:01:37,034 --> 00:01:39,069
- Welcome!
- (ALL GRUNT)
30
00:01:41,071 --> 00:01:42,237
Let's fucking party!
31
00:01:42,239 --> 00:01:44,106
(ALL YELLING AND CHEERING)
32
00:01:44,108 --> 00:01:46,110
(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
33
00:01:52,016 --> 00:01:54,583
So you guys are, like, pretty
active on social media, right?
34
00:01:54,585 --> 00:01:55,718
MEN: Yeah.
35
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,754
How many times a day would you
say you tweet on average?
36
00:01:57,756 --> 00:02:00,355
- Hey, FTJ!
- FRED: Yo!
37
00:02:00,357 --> 00:02:02,692
You said you wanted
a swastika tattoo.
38
00:02:02,694 --> 00:02:04,028
Now's your chance.
39
00:02:05,129 --> 00:02:07,597
Yeah, you know, I've been
thinking about it. I'm cool.
40
00:02:07,599 --> 00:02:10,267
Come on, man.
We all got 'em!
41
00:02:17,508 --> 00:02:19,174
You guys want me to get
a swastika tattoo?
42
00:02:19,176 --> 00:02:20,577
MEN: Yeah!
43
00:02:20,579 --> 00:02:22,379
I will get a swastika tattoo.
44
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,650
Um... Yeah.
45
00:02:28,252 --> 00:02:30,421
Hey, take over, man.
I got to take a piss.
46
00:02:31,222 --> 00:02:32,120
(TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING)
47
00:02:32,122 --> 00:02:34,056
Super cool, guys.
Thank you for this.
48
00:02:34,058 --> 00:02:35,226
This is really exciting.
49
00:02:36,393 --> 00:02:38,595
All right, here we go!
50
00:02:38,597 --> 00:02:40,061
(CHUCKLES)
51
00:02:40,063 --> 00:02:42,230
Ooh, right! Yeah!
52
00:02:42,232 --> 00:02:43,699
- (GRUNTS)
- That hurt?
53
00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,703
On many levels. Yes.
54
00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:48,539
(SOFTLY) Fuck!
55
00:02:49,373 --> 00:02:51,542
Hey! This you?
56
00:02:52,676 --> 00:02:54,378
You're a journalist?
57
00:02:55,379 --> 00:02:56,645
Yeah!
58
00:02:56,647 --> 00:02:59,280
We all got to be fucking
journalists in this day and age,
59
00:02:59,282 --> 00:03:02,216
mainstream media not covering
our side of the story!
60
00:03:02,218 --> 00:03:04,252
His name is Fred Flarsky.
61
00:03:04,254 --> 00:03:05,821
He writes for
the Brooklyn Advocate.
62
00:03:05,823 --> 00:03:08,490
- He's a fucking Jew!
- What?
63
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:11,127
Look, look, look.
Okay, okay, okay. Hey!
64
00:03:13,464 --> 00:03:14,329
What are you doing here?
65
00:03:14,331 --> 00:03:15,797
You're here to fucking
embarrass us, huh?
66
00:03:15,799 --> 00:03:17,766
- Who sent you?
- (STAMMERS) No one sent me!
67
00:03:17,768 --> 00:03:19,535
It's okay. I'm... I'm...
68
00:03:19,537 --> 00:03:22,271
He's been recording us
the whole time!
69
00:03:22,273 --> 00:03:24,773
Fucking shit, man!
You infiltrated our group!
70
00:03:24,775 --> 00:03:26,675
You're gonna fucking die!
71
00:03:26,677 --> 00:03:27,576
How do you
turn this thing off?
72
00:03:27,578 --> 00:03:29,413
The fucking red button,
right there, man!
73
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,048
(MEN CLAMORING)
74
00:03:33,617 --> 00:03:35,152
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- (GRUNTING)
75
00:03:36,487 --> 00:03:38,188
Holy shit!
76
00:03:40,190 --> 00:03:41,525
(GROANING LOUDLY)
77
00:03:44,628 --> 00:03:48,130
Yeah! (LAUGHS)
78
00:03:48,132 --> 00:03:50,467
(GROANS)
Not only did I escape...
79
00:03:51,869 --> 00:03:53,902
I held onto my phone!
80
00:03:53,904 --> 00:03:56,173
Yes! Ow!
81
00:03:56,574 --> 00:03:58,574
(GROANS)
82
00:03:58,576 --> 00:04:00,342
I trusted you, man!
83
00:04:00,344 --> 00:04:01,910
Yeah, well...
84
00:04:01,912 --> 00:04:04,581
Jews win this round,
motherfucker!
85
00:04:05,348 --> 00:04:07,615
Peace! Ow.
86
00:04:07,617 --> 00:04:09,216
NEWSCASTER:
Tonight on Wembley News,
87
00:04:09,218 --> 00:04:11,452
we take an in-depth look
at Charlotte Field,
88
00:04:11,454 --> 00:04:14,255
a Rhodes Scholar,
a Pulitzer winner,
89
00:04:14,257 --> 00:04:16,925
and protege
of President Chambers,
90
00:04:16,927 --> 00:04:18,826
who tapped Field two years ago
91
00:04:18,828 --> 00:04:21,295
to be the youngest
secretary of state
92
00:04:21,297 --> 00:04:22,697
in the history of this nation.
93
00:04:22,699 --> 00:04:25,166
And honestly,
looking hotter than usual.
94
00:04:25,168 --> 00:04:26,935
Now, people are gonna say
that's sexist,
95
00:04:26,937 --> 00:04:28,937
but, she's just hot!
96
00:04:28,939 --> 00:04:30,438
NEWSCASTER 2: You know,
when we talk about women in this way,
97
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,173
it is because
we respect them so much,
98
00:04:32,175 --> 00:04:33,608
and we start with their body.
99
00:04:33,610 --> 00:04:35,311
- (ALL LAUGH ON TV)
- You two are terrible.
100
00:04:39,248 --> 00:04:41,117
- Good night, Steven.
- Good night, Madam Secretary.
101
00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:47,388
Sorry for the late call,
Mr. Foreign Minister.
102
00:04:47,390 --> 00:04:48,489
Long day.
103
00:04:48,491 --> 00:04:49,958
Three bilaterals. (SIGHS)
104
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,727
Listen, we're not going to be
able to do it.
105
00:04:52,729 --> 00:04:54,963
There's just not enough
traction around this thing.
106
00:04:54,965 --> 00:04:57,966
I believe in it, it's just...
I don't have Congress support.
107
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:59,667
I don't have
the American people's support.
108
00:04:59,669 --> 00:05:01,737
I know you and I
don't like it, Chuck,
109
00:05:01,739 --> 00:05:03,471
but you know who likes it?
110
00:05:03,473 --> 00:05:06,708
88% of college-educated
Americans over 45.
111
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,275
Likely voters.
112
00:05:08,277 --> 00:05:10,546
That's Gallup.
We have to make this happen.
113
00:05:19,923 --> 00:05:20,924
(WATER SPLASHING)
114
00:05:27,864 --> 00:05:29,231
(SIGHS)
115
00:05:31,701 --> 00:05:33,968
(ALARM BLARING)
116
00:05:33,970 --> 00:05:35,337
(GASPS)
117
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:39,408
(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
118
00:05:45,715 --> 00:05:48,949
Well, I wouldn't call
the president inexperienced.
119
00:05:48,951 --> 00:05:50,518
I mean,
he did play a president
120
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,354
on a very popular television
show for over a decade.
121
00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:56,590
You don't get
six Golden Globe nominations
122
00:05:56,592 --> 00:05:58,693
without being
pretty convincing.
123
00:05:58,695 --> 00:06:01,261
Um, I do think I'm funny.
124
00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:03,030
I'm sorry, I thought
this interview was about
125
00:06:03,032 --> 00:06:05,499
promoting democracy
in Eastern Europe.
126
00:06:05,501 --> 00:06:07,300
All right, next one's BBC.
127
00:06:07,302 --> 00:06:08,669
Would you be asking
a male cabinet member
128
00:06:08,671 --> 00:06:10,338
what products they use
in their hair?
129
00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:12,606
I'm just kidding.
130
00:06:12,608 --> 00:06:15,009
No, it's olive oil
and mayonnaise.
131
00:06:15,011 --> 00:06:17,478
I know. So cheap.
So much shine.
132
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:18,881
(EXHALING)
133
00:06:20,483 --> 00:06:22,416
Good morning, Mr. President.
134
00:06:22,418 --> 00:06:23,920
(QUIETLY) Good morning,
Mr. President.
135
00:06:25,488 --> 00:06:27,855
Good morning, Mr. President.
136
00:06:27,857 --> 00:06:29,790
- Good morning, Mr. President.
- (TV PLAYING)
137
00:06:29,792 --> 00:06:31,392
Oh, hey, Charlotte.
138
00:06:31,394 --> 00:06:34,462
You caught me
watching my show. (LAUGHS)
139
00:06:34,464 --> 00:06:37,398
Mr. President. We still
recommend Option C.
140
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,401
I am not nuking a tsunami!
141
00:06:40,403 --> 00:06:42,536
Oh, here it is.
142
00:06:42,538 --> 00:06:44,038
(SPEAKING ALONG TO TV)
Not now...
143
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,740
Not today.
144
00:06:45,742 --> 00:06:47,374
Not in my house.
145
00:06:47,376 --> 00:06:49,610
Yes! (LAUGHING) I love that!
146
00:06:49,612 --> 00:06:51,478
(LAUGHS) Oh, me too.
147
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,546
Anyway, that's not why
I called you here.
148
00:06:53,548 --> 00:06:54,883
(EXHALING)
149
00:06:55,684 --> 00:06:56,918
(SIGHS) Charlotte.
150
00:06:57,486 --> 00:06:58,518
Yes, sir?
151
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,521
(CLICKS TONGUE) I will not be
seeking reelection.
152
00:07:01,523 --> 00:07:02,822
Really?
153
00:07:02,824 --> 00:07:04,591
Look, I know it's crazy,
154
00:07:04,593 --> 00:07:06,626
because I'm only halfway
through my first term.
155
00:07:06,628 --> 00:07:09,696
And you're incredibly
popular, sir.
156
00:07:09,698 --> 00:07:11,798
And I want to use
that popularity
157
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,335
to transition into something
158
00:07:15,337 --> 00:07:17,672
more prestigious
than the presidency.
159
00:07:18,907 --> 00:07:21,641
I wanna make it in the movies.
160
00:07:21,643 --> 00:07:24,811
You're going to leave
161
00:07:24,813 --> 00:07:27,547
the Presidency
to go be in movies?
162
00:07:27,549 --> 00:07:29,783
- I know. It's gonna be tough.
- Ah...
163
00:07:29,785 --> 00:07:32,452
Only like, 10 guys
have made that jump
164
00:07:32,454 --> 00:07:34,387
from TV to film.
165
00:07:34,389 --> 00:07:36,890
Woody Harrelson,
George Clooney...
166
00:07:36,892 --> 00:07:38,591
Might be... Might be just two.
167
00:07:38,593 --> 00:07:41,962
I... Mr. President, have you
168
00:07:41,964 --> 00:07:45,832
given any consideration
as to whom you might endorse?
169
00:07:45,834 --> 00:07:47,902
I'm sure you're probably
thinking of McNichol
170
00:07:47,904 --> 00:07:51,504
or Crowly. Strong choices.
171
00:07:51,506 --> 00:07:55,343
So strange, because I was
considering a run in 2024.
172
00:07:56,112 --> 00:07:57,646
And I've been vetted.
173
00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:00,114
So that's all done.
174
00:08:00,116 --> 00:08:03,552
And I can't stop thinking
about what...
175
00:08:04,786 --> 00:08:06,789
What it would do
for your legacy
176
00:08:07,924 --> 00:08:09,959
to endorse the first
female president.
177
00:08:11,861 --> 00:08:13,527
I mean... Wow.
178
00:08:13,962 --> 00:08:14,963
That's a legacy.
179
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,732
- Charlotte?
- Hmm?
180
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:22,001
I would like to endorse you
181
00:08:22,003 --> 00:08:24,605
to be the next president
of the United States.
182
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,409
I mean, if you think that's
a good idea, sir, I trust you.
183
00:08:30,411 --> 00:08:33,079
I'd... I'd be honored.
184
00:08:33,081 --> 00:08:37,016
I'm gonna be pulling
for Team Charlotte. Right?
185
00:08:37,018 --> 00:08:38,954
Because you've been
a great secretary.
186
00:08:39,654 --> 00:08:40,854
...of state.
187
00:08:40,856 --> 00:08:43,156
Whatever. It's a cool job.
188
00:08:43,158 --> 00:08:45,524
And, um, you've done it well.
189
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,027
- Thank you, sir.
- So stay focused.
190
00:08:48,029 --> 00:08:49,562
Don't make
any major screw-ups.
191
00:08:49,564 --> 00:08:50,830
Don't kill any hookers.
192
00:08:50,832 --> 00:08:52,131
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Probably not a problem for you.
193
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:53,733
I don't know what you're into.
Whatever.
194
00:08:53,735 --> 00:08:55,602
And before you know it...
195
00:08:55,604 --> 00:08:57,772
(HUMMING)
196
00:08:58,640 --> 00:08:59,772
I like the sound of that.
197
00:08:59,774 --> 00:09:01,975
♪ Hey, here she comes
198
00:09:01,977 --> 00:09:03,910
♪ It's the first lady president
199
00:09:03,912 --> 00:09:06,646
♪ Who can believe
that she's actually a woman
200
00:09:06,648 --> 00:09:08,181
Thank you, sir.
201
00:09:08,183 --> 00:09:12,921
♪ She's got a big brain
And a couple other assets ♪
202
00:09:15,624 --> 00:09:16,689
TOUR GUIDE:
Oh, and here we see
203
00:09:16,691 --> 00:09:18,491
Secretary of State
Charlotte Field.
204
00:09:18,493 --> 00:09:19,726
Good morning.
205
00:09:19,728 --> 00:09:21,027
(TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
206
00:09:21,029 --> 00:09:22,396
(QUIETLY) Yes!
207
00:09:26,468 --> 00:09:29,168
So the headline is,
"You're in great shape."
208
00:09:29,170 --> 00:09:31,838
- Ninety-two, that's good.
- Really good.
209
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,539
- Yeah.
- KATHERINE: And now, keep in mind
210
00:09:33,541 --> 00:09:36,075
that these are numbers
for a female candidate.
211
00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:39,478
If you were a man, you'd be
in the 192nd percentile.
212
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,647
- Well, that seems about right.
- Yeah.
213
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,749
'Cause the man... Okay.
214
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:46,785
Um, your sense of humor is 82,
215
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,054
which is solid. It's solid.
216
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,156
But, you know, we wouldn't
mind seeing those numbers
217
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,525
go up a few points, or more.
218
00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,727
So, I'm going to get
some writing samples from
219
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,263
- some funny speech writers.
- Great.
220
00:09:57,265 --> 00:10:00,599
I am really interested
in knowing how people feel
221
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,534
- about my accomplishments.
- Yeah.
222
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,169
Right. You know, so we don't
223
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:08,174
drill down
on specific policies.
224
00:10:08,176 --> 00:10:11,277
And that's only because
people don't seem to care.
225
00:10:11,279 --> 00:10:12,678
That's interesting.
226
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:16,048
With that said, if you could
broker some deal
227
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:17,582
that gets you
out there talking
228
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:18,951
about a thing that you feel
229
00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,086
really strongly about,
that would be great.
230
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,020
CHARLOTTE:
Well, that's perfect.
231
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,123
I mean, we've been
looking for an opening
232
00:10:24,125 --> 00:10:26,060
to start a conversation
about the environment.
233
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,528
(CHUCKLES) All right.
234
00:10:29,530 --> 00:10:32,298
Romantically, if I may...
235
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,301
Remember the stir online
236
00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:37,903
when the Canadian
Prime Minister and you
237
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,805
were seated next to each other
238
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,307
at The Global Business Forum?
239
00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:42,708
Mmm-hmm.
240
00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:44,843
A relationship like that
241
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,614
would push you
into the high 90s.
242
00:10:48,049 --> 00:10:50,682
High 90s? Wow.
243
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,020
KATHERINE:
That brings us to...
244
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,689
CHARLOTTE: What's wrong
with my wave?
245
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,691
Um, I think people feel that
246
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,727
that level of elbow movement
is, um...
247
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:04,229
It stresses people out.
248
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:07,232
You know what? It's just
an area for improvement.
249
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,001
Okay, fine,
I'll work on the wave.
250
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,871
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
251
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,873
- Hey.
- BOSS: Hey, Fred.
252
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:17,577
You're gonna love this.
I almost died.
253
00:11:18,012 --> 00:11:19,610
You got a second?
254
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,280
- Yeah.
- Come on.
255
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,782
I actually have
some really great news.
256
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:26,952
- Really? Cool.
- Yes. (CHUCKLES)
257
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,287
We were just bought
by Wembley Media.
258
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,256
- What?
- Yeah.
259
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:32,157
Are you fucking kidding me?
260
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,624
I knew you'd have
a harsh reaction...
261
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:34,793
A harsh reaction?
262
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,228
- Fred, this is a good thing.
- How?
263
00:11:36,230 --> 00:11:37,829
The fucker
represents everything
264
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,297
that we've been fighting
against since day one!
265
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:42,200
The whole point of this paper is
to fight giant media conglomerates.
266
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,002
Now we've been bought
by a giant media conglomerate.
267
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:46,271
- I do see the irony.
- Irony?
268
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,940
He's gonna turn this place
into a propaganda machine.
269
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,809
Not the good kind,
that's right!
270
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,610
- (STAMMERS)
- The bad kind, that's wrong!
271
00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:53,979
Well, we're out of options.
272
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,714
We've been running
as long as we can
273
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:58,116
on ads for weed doctors
and escorts.
274
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,218
Let's get penis enlargement
ads, too.
275
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,686
No one likes their dick.
276
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,655
- Come on, Fred.
- This Wembley guy,
277
00:12:03,657 --> 00:12:06,191
he ran fake stories
to help get Chambers elected.
278
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,159
No, they couldn't prove that.
279
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,361
We proved it! I wrote
three articles about it!
280
00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:11,263
- You published them!
- I did.
281
00:12:11,265 --> 00:12:13,965
The shit that comes out
of this fucking guy's mouth...
282
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,668
He said hurricanes were
caused by gay marriage.
283
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:18,270
I don't even get
how that fucking works.
284
00:12:18,272 --> 00:12:19,871
I don't even get
the math on that one.
285
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,940
- Fred, it's done, all right?
- It's done?
286
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:25,409
They're upstairs finalizing
the deal right now. (SIGHS)
287
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:28,179
Look, we have to cut
two-thirds of our staff.
288
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,214
- Two-thirds?
- Yeah.
289
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,650
But we wanna keep you on.
They wanna keep you on.
290
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,051
It's just...
291
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:35,953
You just have to
tone it down a little bit.
292
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:37,422
I don't know how I can
tone things down
293
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,090
any more than
I'm toning them down.
294
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,092
Okay, Fred.
You're a great writer.
295
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,259
- Thank you.
- All right, you're funny,
296
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:43,961
you take risks,
you connect with people.
297
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:45,229
I'm sensing a twist in this.
298
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:47,233
You have a distinct,
authentic voice, but...
299
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,234
Sometimes you're
a little too much.
300
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:51,268
I don't think I am too much!
301
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,771
I actually think I'm
the perfect right portion.
302
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,272
Look, you have your job.
303
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,109
Okay, focus on that and just
toe the line a little bit.
304
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,710
You know what? I quit.
305
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:00,845
Oh, come on, Fred.
306
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:02,847
You should quit, too.
Everyone should fucking quit.
307
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,782
No, I'm not gonna quit,
I need my job.
308
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,884
I need my fucking job, too.
I'm broke, man!
309
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:08,286
But I can't work for that guy.
310
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,688
At least let me fire you
so you can get unemployment.
311
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,756
No fucking way!
312
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:14,892
I want him to know
that I quit.
313
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:17,229
He's never gonna know it,
he's never heard of you.
314
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,797
You're gonna destroy your life to
spite a guy who's never heard of you?
315
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,366
Yes! You said it best!
316
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,534
That's exactly
what I'm doing.
317
00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:25,337
You're making bad decisions
and it's bumming me out, man.
318
00:13:25,339 --> 00:13:26,804
Well, that makes
two of us.
319
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,375
Fuck this.
Journalism died today, people.
320
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:33,345
Yes, hello, this is, uh,
Fred Flarsky.
321
00:13:33,347 --> 00:13:35,280
Um... I, uh,
322
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,847
was just calling to say
that I was forced
323
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,115
to quit my job recently,
324
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:39,817
making me
something of a free agent.
325
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,386
And I know in the past, uh,
326
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,089
you said I'm not exactly what
The Times was looking for,
327
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:46,756
but I was just calling
to see if anything's changed.
328
00:13:46,758 --> 00:13:48,892
Uh, just give me a ring.
Thank you so much.
329
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:51,097
Yo, Lance. It's Fred. Um...
330
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,131
I lost my job
and I'm very sad.
331
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,732
Can I come by?
332
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,069
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
333
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:02,339
LANCE: We need to
schedule a meeting
334
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,341
and see what they have to say.
335
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,877
Excuse me.
336
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,846
Man, I can't believe
they did you like that.
337
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,482
It's fucked up. I'm pissed.
338
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,417
But you're gonna feel a lot
better, man, we're leaving.
339
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,119
You can leave work right now?
340
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,188
Yeah, I can fucking leave.
You see this corner office?
341
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,455
That's a
"I can leave this bitch
342
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,424
"whenever I want"
corner office.
343
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:21,961
Come on, man. Everybody!
344
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:24,861
This is my best friend,
345
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:26,397
and he just
lost his job today.
346
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,265
All right?
He's at rock bottom.
347
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,467
- It's not that bad.
- He feels like shit.
348
00:14:30,469 --> 00:14:32,136
And I'm gonna
make him feel better.
349
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:33,836
It's been a tradition
since we were in college,
350
00:14:33,838 --> 00:14:35,206
when one of us feels sad,
351
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,941
the other one
has to get him fucked up.
352
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:41,111
I'm talking Britney Spears,
mid-2000s bald head,
353
00:14:41,113 --> 00:14:43,380
almost dropping the baby
fucked up.
354
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,482
No judgement. No judgement.
355
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:47,851
I need my schedule cleared,
Zander.
356
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:48,953
I don't want to do shit.
357
00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:51,188
I'm going off-grid
till tomorrow.
358
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:52,258
Matter of fact...
359
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:55,292
- Everybody's got the day off.
- (ALL CHEER)
360
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:57,795
Everybody's got the day off.
Y'all got the day off.
361
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:58,896
Everybody, go home.
362
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,565
I'm so appreciative
of all of you guys' hard work.
363
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,300
I love
every single one of you.
364
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:04,368
Except you, Ted!
365
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,471
Bagel Friday
is for everybody, Ted!
366
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,573
You don't think we know
you taking the bagels?
367
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,940
WOMAN: Yeah, Ted, not cool.
368
00:15:10,942 --> 00:15:11,874
- Zander.
- ZANDER: Yeah?
369
00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:14,110
I need two cans
of the Pamplemousse LaCroix.
370
00:15:14,112 --> 00:15:15,345
- ZANDER: Uh-huh.
- I need that filled
371
00:15:15,347 --> 00:15:17,880
with Johnnie Walker Blue
and CBD oil.
372
00:15:17,882 --> 00:15:19,050
Do you want one?
373
00:15:20,418 --> 00:15:22,085
FRED: I got fucked, man.
374
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,821
Yeah, you got fucked
like a stepmom on Pornhub.
375
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:25,989
Well, it happens to everybody.
376
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,924
I've been unemployed before,
it sucks.
377
00:15:27,926 --> 00:15:29,192
But I didn't ask
for any handouts.
378
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:31,995
I picked myself up by
my bootstraps and got to it.
379
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,429
Where are we going right now?
380
00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:35,231
Best day ever, Fred.
Don't worry about it.
381
00:15:35,233 --> 00:15:37,400
I've got this dope afternoon
planned for us.
382
00:15:37,402 --> 00:15:39,202
First we're going to finish
these Pamplemousse's.
383
00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:40,169
Play at the park.
384
00:15:40,171 --> 00:15:42,205
After that we're going to
go to Peter Luger's,
385
00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:43,373
get you a nice fat steak,
386
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:46,075
and then finish it off with
a World Wildlife Fund benefit.
387
00:15:46,077 --> 00:15:47,443
I don't know if I
want to go to some
388
00:15:47,445 --> 00:15:49,012
fancy rich person party.
389
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:50,346
What... Oh, come on, man,
390
00:15:50,348 --> 00:15:51,948
don't be so judgmental,
all right?
391
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:54,350
It's free booze and
there'll be pandas and shit.
392
00:15:54,352 --> 00:15:56,886
- People love pandas and shit.
- I don't know.
393
00:15:56,888 --> 00:15:58,121
All right, fine, Fred.
394
00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,523
Then just do nothing.
All right?
395
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,458
Go home, do nothing.
396
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,029
And don't kick it with your
best friend and Boyz II Men.
397
00:16:05,163 --> 00:16:06,397
Say what?
398
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,131
Oh, yeah.
399
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,600
Boyz II Men is bringing
their timeless blend
400
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,869
of R&B, hip-hop and
new jack swing to the party.
401
00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:14,871
I thought you would
like to be there.
402
00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:16,573
Bo-bo-bo-Boyz II Men?
403
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:19,643
♪ Motownphilly's back again
404
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:20,744
(VOCALIZING)
405
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:21,645
That's what I'm talking about,
man. Let's do this shit.
406
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,614
Okay, let's have fun.
What a fun day.
407
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,582
- (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
408
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:29,218
CHARLOTTE: I am so hungry,
it's insane.
409
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:30,454
Why didn't you
PowerBar me?
410
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,954
I tried,
you pushed my hand away.
411
00:16:31,956 --> 00:16:33,121
Oh.
412
00:16:33,123 --> 00:16:36,124
Skewered foods. I can't eat
skewered foods gracefully.
413
00:16:36,126 --> 00:16:37,527
I look like
a fucking caveman.
414
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:39,295
Yeah, and there are
cameras everywhere.
415
00:16:39,297 --> 00:16:41,129
That's really gonna hurt
your elegance score.
416
00:16:41,131 --> 00:16:42,200
That's my best score.
417
00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,538
Fuck! It's all
skewered foods.
418
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:50,206
I'm gonna take the chicken
off the skewers.
419
00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:52,140
- Take it off...
- Quickly. Quickly.
420
00:16:52,142 --> 00:16:54,109
Why do they make this
so difficult...
421
00:16:54,111 --> 00:16:56,446
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
I apologize.
422
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:59,014
- Jesus fucking Christ.
- Can't do things...
423
00:16:59,016 --> 00:17:00,982
Just make a fucking...
Make a wall. Make a wall.
424
00:17:00,984 --> 00:17:02,853
- Yup. Yes.
- CHARLOTTE: Do you have it?
425
00:17:06,023 --> 00:17:07,623
Good. Good, good,
good, good.
426
00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:09,427
(MUFFLED) Oh, my God,
it's really good chicken.
427
00:17:11,062 --> 00:17:12,628
James Steward is approaching.
James Steward is approaching.
428
00:17:12,630 --> 00:17:13,696
What?
429
00:17:13,698 --> 00:17:15,465
Okay, he's about
nine feet away.
430
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,500
His dick is probably
about seven feet away.
431
00:17:17,502 --> 00:17:19,268
- (WHISPERS) Maggie!
- MAGGIE: Six feet away.
432
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,139
Five feet away.
Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit.
433
00:17:22,507 --> 00:17:24,540
- James!
- Bonsoir.
434
00:17:24,542 --> 00:17:26,376
- Hi.
- Good evening.
435
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,044
(IN ACCENTED ENGLISH)
I am so sorry I missed you
436
00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:29,712
when I was at the White House
a few weeks ago.
437
00:17:29,714 --> 00:17:32,648
Oh, are you so "sorry," James?
438
00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:34,183
(LAUGHS) You're never gonna
439
00:17:34,185 --> 00:17:35,518
stop making that joke,
are you?
440
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,653
- No. I'm not.
- (LAUGHS)
441
00:17:37,655 --> 00:17:39,122
- (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- Well, I... Oh, hello.
442
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,423
- Hi.
- Oh, yes.
443
00:17:40,425 --> 00:17:42,227
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
444
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:45,630
- One more. One more.
- One more.
445
00:17:46,731 --> 00:17:49,098
Merci. Thank you.
446
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,268
What do you say
we get out of here?
447
00:17:51,636 --> 00:17:54,404
Grab a drink somewhere
a bit more private.
448
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,538
(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)
449
00:17:56,540 --> 00:17:57,739
- Yes...
- Yeah?
450
00:17:57,741 --> 00:18:00,008
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Oh, my God!
451
00:18:00,010 --> 00:18:01,743
Make some noise out there!
Make some noise!
452
00:18:01,745 --> 00:18:04,045
Yeah! Check it out, y'all!
453
00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:06,181
One question,
what's the name of the group?
454
00:18:06,183 --> 00:18:07,449
CROWD: Boyz II Men!
455
00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:08,316
What's the name
of the group, y'all?
456
00:18:08,318 --> 00:18:09,651
CROWD: Boyz II Men!
457
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,655
(SINGING)
458
00:18:31,542 --> 00:18:33,643
Yeah...
I told you this would be dope.
459
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:36,712
Yeah, uh...
This is really cheering me up.
460
00:18:36,714 --> 00:18:38,146
- (LAUGHS)
- Wow.
461
00:18:38,148 --> 00:18:39,483
(CONTINUE SINGING)
462
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:49,191
I'm super underdressed.
463
00:18:49,193 --> 00:18:50,492
Stop complaining,
all right?
464
00:18:50,494 --> 00:18:52,427
You think
you feel outta place?
465
00:18:52,429 --> 00:18:53,596
This is one of
the brightest rooms
466
00:18:53,598 --> 00:18:55,631
I've ever been in,
in my life.
467
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:57,434
Bright?
What do you mean, bright?
468
00:18:58,035 --> 00:18:59,267
Like white.
469
00:18:59,269 --> 00:19:01,336
- Oh, "bright" is white?
- Yeah, man.
470
00:19:01,338 --> 00:19:03,405
It's only me,
the waiters and Boyz II Men.
471
00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:05,273
I've already had three people
tell me they love my music.
472
00:19:05,275 --> 00:19:07,144
(CONTINUE SINGING)
473
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:12,448
Duty calls.
474
00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:14,817
I'll take a snow check
on that dance.
475
00:19:14,819 --> 00:19:17,419
- Canadian for "rain check."
- Okay. (LAUGHS)
476
00:19:17,421 --> 00:19:19,457
- (SPEAKS FRENCH)
- Okay.
477
00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:22,526
(CONTINUE SINGING)
478
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:28,563
Man, you're pounding 'em
kinda hard, don't you think?
479
00:19:28,565 --> 00:19:30,632
I got fired today, man.
480
00:19:30,634 --> 00:19:32,001
You told me you quit.
481
00:19:33,403 --> 00:19:35,504
I was forced to quit
because of...
482
00:19:35,506 --> 00:19:36,638
Yeah, okay, man.
483
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,007
Lie to me some more.
484
00:19:39,843 --> 00:19:41,110
You good?
485
00:19:46,383 --> 00:19:48,552
Shit. Is the secretary
of state looking at us?
486
00:19:50,487 --> 00:19:51,688
Oh, she's looking at you?
487
00:19:53,690 --> 00:19:55,057
Fred.
488
00:19:58,194 --> 00:20:00,330
Fred. What the hell?
What was that?
489
00:20:01,365 --> 00:20:03,233
Damn. Hey, what was that?
490
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:07,502
I... Kinda...
I kinda know her. Okay?
491
00:20:07,504 --> 00:20:09,437
- You kinda know her?
- Yeah.
492
00:20:09,439 --> 00:20:11,172
Nobody kinda knows
Charlotte Field, all right?
493
00:20:11,174 --> 00:20:12,574
It's like kinda knowing
a mermaid, dude.
494
00:20:12,576 --> 00:20:13,708
You tell people that shit.
495
00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:15,377
- That's exceptional.
- Okay.
496
00:20:15,379 --> 00:20:16,678
I'll tell you a story.
497
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,415
So, I'm like 13,
she's like 16.
498
00:20:20,417 --> 00:20:21,752
She's my babysitter.
499
00:20:27,324 --> 00:20:29,858
She's like, perfect.
She's very nice to me,
500
00:20:29,860 --> 00:20:31,393
which goes a long way with me.
501
00:20:31,395 --> 00:20:32,827
So, we're at her house...
502
00:20:32,829 --> 00:20:34,763
She's practicing a speech
that she's writing.
503
00:20:34,765 --> 00:20:36,731
She's running for
Student Council president.
504
00:20:36,733 --> 00:20:38,034
Did you know
that every year,
505
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:40,869
the school throws away over
500 tons of recyclable garbage?
506
00:20:40,871 --> 00:20:43,704
- And no one cares.
- I know, it's total bullshit.
507
00:20:43,706 --> 00:20:45,306
But how do you get idiots
to care about shit
508
00:20:45,308 --> 00:20:48,409
- they don't care about?
- They'll just care
509
00:20:48,411 --> 00:20:50,444
because it's the right thing
to care about.
510
00:20:50,446 --> 00:20:53,447
You're more inspiring than George
Bush and Dan Quayle combined.
511
00:20:53,449 --> 00:20:55,215
Well, that's not too hard.
512
00:20:55,217 --> 00:20:56,650
(BOTH LAUGH)
513
00:20:56,652 --> 00:20:58,385
FRED: Well, she was amazing,
and she was smart,
514
00:20:58,387 --> 00:20:59,720
and she seemed to
kinda like me,
515
00:20:59,722 --> 00:21:01,488
and I felt like
we were having a moment.
516
00:21:01,490 --> 00:21:03,657
You know what I mean?
Like a romantic moment.
517
00:21:03,659 --> 00:21:04,725
Oh, shit.
518
00:21:04,727 --> 00:21:06,327
FRED: So I did something,
519
00:21:06,329 --> 00:21:08,429
that in retrospect
was highly inappropriate.
520
00:21:08,431 --> 00:21:09,732
I kissed her.
521
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:11,732
I looked down...
522
00:21:11,734 --> 00:21:13,902
I got a fucking
13-year-old boner, man!
523
00:21:13,904 --> 00:21:16,737
- Oh!
- Hard... But not big.
524
00:21:16,739 --> 00:21:19,540
But hard. And pronounced,
"13-year-old boner."
525
00:21:19,542 --> 00:21:20,541
Sorry.
526
00:21:20,543 --> 00:21:22,511
And she looks at it.
She sees it. And she goes...
527
00:21:23,279 --> 00:21:24,345
It's okay.
528
00:21:24,347 --> 00:21:25,847
- (GROANS)
- And then,
529
00:21:25,849 --> 00:21:27,715
her boyfriend comes
into the room,
530
00:21:27,717 --> 00:21:29,416
who was in the other room
watching Blossom!
531
00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:30,484
Hey, babe.
532
00:21:30,486 --> 00:21:32,353
Points out my fucking
little boner.
533
00:21:32,355 --> 00:21:34,756
- He makes a joke!
- Whoa!
534
00:21:34,758 --> 00:21:36,292
FRED: And they left.
535
00:21:36,927 --> 00:21:38,461
(MOUTHING) I'm sorry.
536
00:21:40,496 --> 00:21:43,566
And I'm left
standing there alone...
537
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,366
...in the kitchen,
538
00:21:45,368 --> 00:21:48,369
with my little, hard
13-year-old fucking boner.
539
00:21:48,371 --> 00:21:50,537
- Hard as a rock.
- And on top of that,
540
00:21:50,539 --> 00:21:52,206
she didn't win
the fucking election.
541
00:21:52,208 --> 00:21:54,909
Bill Sterling won because
he ran on a two-prom platform.
542
00:21:54,911 --> 00:21:57,946
- Two-prom!
- Two-proms! Back-to-back!
543
00:21:57,948 --> 00:22:00,314
(SCOFFS) She didn't stand
a fucking chance.
544
00:22:00,316 --> 00:22:01,448
No, man.
545
00:22:01,450 --> 00:22:03,484
I think you're skimming over
the best part of that story.
546
00:22:03,486 --> 00:22:05,219
What's the best part
of that story?
547
00:22:05,221 --> 00:22:06,987
She says your boner was okay.
548
00:22:06,989 --> 00:22:08,789
She said, "It's okay,"
like she was trying
549
00:22:08,791 --> 00:22:10,624
to not make me
fucking feel bad.
550
00:22:10,626 --> 00:22:12,626
Fred, you see
a fucked-up story,
551
00:22:12,628 --> 00:22:16,362
when I see a beautiful story
about a girl that you liked,
552
00:22:16,364 --> 00:22:19,499
liking your boner
in all of its okay-ness.
553
00:22:19,501 --> 00:22:21,568
You need
to talk to her tonight.
554
00:22:21,570 --> 00:22:22,836
She probably doesn't remember
who I am,
555
00:22:22,838 --> 00:22:24,538
and if she does remember
who I am,
556
00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:25,706
the last thing she wants is
557
00:22:25,708 --> 00:22:27,808
my 13-year-old-boner-having
fucking ass walking up to her.
558
00:22:27,810 --> 00:22:28,876
- Look...
- AGENT M: Excuse me.
559
00:22:28,878 --> 00:22:29,910
Whoa.
560
00:22:29,912 --> 00:22:31,578
Secretary Field would
like to speak with you.
561
00:22:31,580 --> 00:22:32,813
With me?
562
00:22:32,815 --> 00:22:34,247
With him, right?
563
00:22:34,249 --> 00:22:36,016
- Yeah.
- FRED: Right now?
564
00:22:36,018 --> 00:22:37,618
Uh, do you know why?
565
00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:38,721
This way.
566
00:22:39,822 --> 00:22:40,988
(SOFTLY) This is good.
567
00:22:40,990 --> 00:22:42,423
What are you
nervous about?
568
00:22:42,425 --> 00:22:44,692
What the fuck?
Everything I just said!
569
00:22:44,694 --> 00:22:46,696
(SINGING SLOW R&B SONG)
570
00:22:54,335 --> 00:22:56,302
Oh, my God, dude,
there she is.
571
00:22:56,304 --> 00:22:58,306
(BOYZ II MEN VOCALIZING)
572
00:23:04,847 --> 00:23:06,680
What are you gonna
say to her?
573
00:23:06,682 --> 00:23:08,282
I don't know.
574
00:23:08,284 --> 00:23:09,650
Should open with a neg.
575
00:23:09,652 --> 00:23:10,951
Tell her she's too tall.
576
00:23:10,953 --> 00:23:12,853
I'm not gonna neg
the secretary of state.
577
00:23:12,855 --> 00:23:14,790
- It was so nice to see you.
- WOMAN: You as well.
578
00:23:16,926 --> 00:23:19,727
Give me the signal
when you need me.
579
00:23:19,729 --> 00:23:21,862
- Hi.
- Hi.
580
00:23:21,864 --> 00:23:23,297
A man brought me here.
581
00:23:23,299 --> 00:23:24,832
Yes, sorry about that.
582
00:23:24,834 --> 00:23:25,866
- Um...
- No, not at all.
583
00:23:25,868 --> 00:23:28,736
I can't shake this feeling
that we know each other.
584
00:23:28,738 --> 00:23:30,369
- We do. Yeah.
- We do?
585
00:23:30,371 --> 00:23:31,771
- We do know each other.
- Okay, so I'm not crazy.
586
00:23:31,773 --> 00:23:35,374
- Uh, I'm Fred.
- Fred... I was shorter,
587
00:23:35,376 --> 00:23:36,809
- but other than that...
- Flarsky?
588
00:23:36,811 --> 00:23:37,877
Yeah! Holy fuck!
589
00:23:37,879 --> 00:23:39,579
I can't believe it.
You remember.
590
00:23:39,581 --> 00:23:41,848
Oh, my God,
look at you!
591
00:23:41,850 --> 00:23:43,049
Look at me, yes.
592
00:23:43,051 --> 00:23:44,317
What are you doing here?
593
00:23:44,319 --> 00:23:46,819
My friend, Lance...
That's Lance.
594
00:23:46,821 --> 00:23:47,854
Hey, how you doing?
595
00:23:47,856 --> 00:23:50,523
He, uh, he just brought me
here to see Boyz II Men.
596
00:23:50,525 --> 00:23:51,657
I just met them.
597
00:23:51,659 --> 00:23:53,493
- You met the Men?
- Yeah.
598
00:23:53,495 --> 00:23:55,095
- What was it like?
- Don't tell anybody,
599
00:23:55,097 --> 00:23:56,596
but it was
the highlight of my life.
600
00:23:56,598 --> 00:23:57,730
Oh, I totally get that.
601
00:23:57,732 --> 00:23:58,731
And I've met
the Dalai Lama.
602
00:23:58,733 --> 00:24:01,400
Fuck him. How many hits
does he have? None.
603
00:24:01,402 --> 00:24:03,336
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Don't actually fuck him.
604
00:24:03,338 --> 00:24:04,470
- He's a wonderful man.
- Yeah.
605
00:24:04,472 --> 00:24:05,905
What are you doing
these days?
606
00:24:05,907 --> 00:24:07,776
I bet it's
something amazing.
607
00:24:09,511 --> 00:24:10,777
- It's pretty amazing.
- Yeah.
608
00:24:10,779 --> 00:24:11,844
Uh, yeah,
609
00:24:11,846 --> 00:24:14,447
but it's still in its, uh,
gestation period, I guess.
610
00:24:14,449 --> 00:24:15,615
I don't need to get into it.
611
00:24:15,617 --> 00:24:16,718
What about you,
what have you been up to?
612
00:24:17,685 --> 00:24:18,851
You're the secretary...
I'm joking.
613
00:24:18,853 --> 00:24:19,987
I know what
you've been up to.
614
00:24:19,989 --> 00:24:21,188
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- You're very, um...
615
00:24:21,190 --> 00:24:23,556
You know, I just, I... I just
wanna say it's, like, amazing
616
00:24:23,558 --> 00:24:24,624
to see what you've done
with your life.
617
00:24:24,626 --> 00:24:25,758
A lot of people say
they're gonna do
618
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,860
all this incredible stuff
and they don't do anything,
619
00:24:27,862 --> 00:24:30,498
but you actually did it all,
so, congrats.
620
00:24:31,867 --> 00:24:33,833
Well, I'm trying.
621
00:24:33,835 --> 00:24:35,370
I think you've done it.
(CHUCKLES)
622
00:24:37,039 --> 00:24:38,339
PARKER: Oh!
623
00:24:39,507 --> 00:24:40,808
CHARLOTTE: Parker Wembley.
624
00:24:40,810 --> 00:24:42,075
I hate this guy.
625
00:24:42,077 --> 00:24:44,710
FRED: Parker Wembley, the guy
who buys and sells newspapers
626
00:24:44,712 --> 00:24:46,814
and thinks that hurricanes
are caused by gay marriage?
627
00:24:46,816 --> 00:24:47,881
You know him?
628
00:24:47,883 --> 00:24:49,082
He's coming over here.
629
00:24:49,084 --> 00:24:50,851
- Is he behind me?
- Yeah.
630
00:24:50,853 --> 00:24:54,452
- Finally. Secretary Field.
- Parker, how are you?
631
00:24:54,454 --> 00:24:56,621
You are looking
particularly gorgeous tonight.
632
00:24:56,623 --> 00:24:57,924
Thank you.
633
00:24:57,926 --> 00:25:00,092
I... I've been trying
to set a meeting with you
634
00:25:00,094 --> 00:25:02,695
for some months now,
and, uh...
635
00:25:02,697 --> 00:25:04,462
I mean, have you been
avoiding me?
636
00:25:04,464 --> 00:25:07,465
No! No.
637
00:25:07,467 --> 00:25:09,603
- Not successfully.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
638
00:25:11,072 --> 00:25:13,638
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Who's your friend?
639
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,507
- Fred.
- Hey, Fred!
640
00:25:15,509 --> 00:25:16,575
- Yes, hi.
- How are you?
641
00:25:16,577 --> 00:25:18,543
And, uh, what is it
that you do?
642
00:25:18,545 --> 00:25:20,579
I'm a journalist,
actually. Yeah.
643
00:25:20,581 --> 00:25:22,414
- Ooh, a journalist.
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
644
00:25:22,416 --> 00:25:24,817
Will I have read
anything that you've written?
645
00:25:24,819 --> 00:25:27,620
Probably not recently 'cause
I'm unemployed at the moment.
646
00:25:27,622 --> 00:25:29,521
Oh, I am so sorry
to hear that.
647
00:25:29,523 --> 00:25:30,790
Not your fault.
648
00:25:30,792 --> 00:25:32,725
Excuse me, Secretary Field,
we need a word.
649
00:25:32,727 --> 00:25:34,794
- Oh, okay.
- So we will have that meeting.
650
00:25:34,796 --> 00:25:35,862
- Right?
- Yes.
651
00:25:35,864 --> 00:25:37,597
Okay, good. Fred.
652
00:25:37,599 --> 00:25:38,764
- Yes?
- Best of luck.
653
00:25:38,766 --> 00:25:39,832
Oh, why, thanks.
654
00:25:39,834 --> 00:25:40,900
Things will turn around
for you.
655
00:25:40,902 --> 00:25:41,801
So nice of you.
656
00:25:41,803 --> 00:25:43,605
Darkest before the dawn
and all that.
657
00:25:45,139 --> 00:25:47,607
- I actually... I do have to...
- Yeah.
658
00:25:47,609 --> 00:25:48,975
You probably have a lot
of things to do.
659
00:25:48,977 --> 00:25:50,042
Better than this.
660
00:25:50,044 --> 00:25:51,177
It's really nice
to see you again.
661
00:25:51,179 --> 00:25:54,714
- Oh. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great.
- (LAUGHS)
662
00:25:54,716 --> 00:25:57,750
Oh, you're backless.
Wasn't expecting that.
663
00:25:57,752 --> 00:25:59,619
- Have fun at the party.
- You too.
664
00:25:59,621 --> 00:26:00,755
Great to see you.
665
00:26:03,825 --> 00:26:06,792
I see you. I see you. Yeah.
666
00:26:06,794 --> 00:26:09,228
(LAUGHING)
667
00:26:09,230 --> 00:26:11,666
PARKER: So I said,
"You want..."
668
00:26:13,167 --> 00:26:14,567
Hey. Hey.
What's that look in your eye?
669
00:26:14,569 --> 00:26:15,635
What are you
about to go do?
670
00:26:15,637 --> 00:26:17,469
Tonight is
about the animals, dude.
671
00:26:17,471 --> 00:26:19,471
Fuck the animals!
They're fucking gone, man.
672
00:26:19,473 --> 00:26:21,172
Too late
for the fucking animals.
673
00:26:21,174 --> 00:26:23,008
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
674
00:26:23,010 --> 00:26:24,676
Hey!
675
00:26:24,678 --> 00:26:26,177
- PARKER: Oh, Fred?
- Yeah, look.
676
00:26:26,179 --> 00:26:28,513
- What's the problem?
- I'll tell you the problem.
677
00:26:28,515 --> 00:26:30,048
- What?
- You're the problem, man!
678
00:26:30,050 --> 00:26:32,617
You're everything that's wrong
with this fucking country.
679
00:26:32,619 --> 00:26:35,854
'Cause you're an old,
rich, white piece of shit
680
00:26:35,856 --> 00:26:38,590
and your media conglomerate
is ruining this planet!
681
00:26:38,592 --> 00:26:40,525
- Enough.
- I'm done anyway.
682
00:26:40,527 --> 00:26:42,193
I had more time with you
than I thought I would,
683
00:26:42,195 --> 00:26:43,828
so joke's on you.
Excuse me, thank you.
684
00:26:43,830 --> 00:26:45,497
Whoa, shit! (YELLING)
685
00:26:45,499 --> 00:26:46,631
(GRUNTS)
686
00:26:46,633 --> 00:26:47,933
(CROWD GASPS)
687
00:26:47,935 --> 00:26:49,168
God!
688
00:26:49,170 --> 00:26:50,702
(FRED GRUNTS)
689
00:26:50,704 --> 00:26:51,870
Cracker down!
690
00:26:51,872 --> 00:26:53,272
Oh, my God.
691
00:26:53,274 --> 00:26:54,608
GUEST: Looks like it hurt.
692
00:26:55,243 --> 00:26:57,108
Boyz II Men, back up.
693
00:26:57,110 --> 00:26:58,576
You all right? You good?
694
00:26:58,578 --> 00:26:59,744
- You all right?
- I'm okay!
695
00:26:59,746 --> 00:27:00,812
He's okay!
696
00:27:00,814 --> 00:27:01,949
How is he standing?
697
00:27:03,784 --> 00:27:05,786
(HIP-HIP SONG PLAYING)
698
00:27:07,088 --> 00:27:08,553
(SONG PLAYING ON PHONE)
699
00:27:08,555 --> 00:27:10,657
- ALL: Oh!
- Ouch!
700
00:27:12,693 --> 00:27:16,528
♪ Oh, no
That's the Ruff Ryder...
701
00:27:16,530 --> 00:27:17,595
This is so creative.
702
00:27:17,597 --> 00:27:19,533
(ALL LAUGH)
703
00:27:19,933 --> 00:27:21,167
Ha-ha!
704
00:27:21,169 --> 00:27:22,736
- CHARLOTTE: What was that?
- Thank you, Tom.
705
00:27:23,237 --> 00:27:25,570
God, that was crazy.
706
00:27:25,572 --> 00:27:26,938
I mean,
now that we know he's okay,
707
00:27:26,940 --> 00:27:29,607
it was all so hilarious.
708
00:27:29,609 --> 00:27:32,211
And so what is
the relationship exactly?
709
00:27:32,213 --> 00:27:33,845
- Was he your super?
- No,
710
00:27:33,847 --> 00:27:35,780
we grew up
next door to each other.
711
00:27:35,782 --> 00:27:37,049
- (MAGGIE GASPS)
- Yeah.
712
00:27:37,051 --> 00:27:39,918
(CHUCKLES) Fuck,
I used to babysit for him.
713
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,153
- You babysat for him?
- I did.
714
00:27:42,155 --> 00:27:44,822
Wow. Time has not been kind.
715
00:27:44,824 --> 00:27:45,823
He was
such a strange little kid.
716
00:27:45,825 --> 00:27:49,027
But he was really funny.
And he was super smart.
717
00:27:49,029 --> 00:27:51,096
He did have this chip
on his shoulder, though.
718
00:27:51,098 --> 00:27:53,131
He's actually
not a bad writer.
719
00:27:53,133 --> 00:27:54,565
Wait, you've read
his stuff?
720
00:27:54,567 --> 00:27:55,766
Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate.
721
00:27:55,768 --> 00:27:58,069
Oh, God, of course,
you read that, Tom.
722
00:27:58,071 --> 00:27:59,838
Didn't that paper
just get sold off?
723
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,206
Wembley Media
just bought them.
724
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:03,774
Oh, that makes total sense.
725
00:28:03,776 --> 00:28:05,977
That's why he was
such a dick to Wembley.
726
00:28:05,979 --> 00:28:09,983
So the rest of the schedule
for the day is pretty packed.
727
00:28:13,987 --> 00:28:15,588
(CHUCKLING)
728
00:28:18,792 --> 00:28:20,291
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
729
00:28:20,293 --> 00:28:21,625
- Hi.
- Hey.
730
00:28:21,627 --> 00:28:24,329
Did you like
any of those writing samples?
731
00:28:24,331 --> 00:28:27,198
Yeah, McKenzie is good.
Bess is solid.
732
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:31,736
And, um,
Fred's stuff isn't too bad.
733
00:28:31,738 --> 00:28:33,705
Wait, not the...
734
00:28:33,707 --> 00:28:36,174
The homeless person
that fell down the stairs?
735
00:28:36,176 --> 00:28:38,777
Yeah. He has a real voice.
736
00:28:38,779 --> 00:28:41,379
And he knows me.
I mean, he knew me.
737
00:28:41,381 --> 00:28:43,048
And that's probably
a good thing
738
00:28:43,050 --> 00:28:45,950
if he's going to be
writing for me.
739
00:28:45,952 --> 00:28:47,986
Bringing someone like that
onto the team,
740
00:28:47,988 --> 00:28:50,688
I have to say,
feels a little reckless.
741
00:28:50,690 --> 00:28:54,159
His writing is really good.
And it's funny.
742
00:28:54,161 --> 00:28:56,194
I think he can get that
number up by a few points.
743
00:28:56,196 --> 00:28:57,898
And if he doesn't,
we fire him.
744
00:28:58,765 --> 00:28:59,831
Okay.
745
00:28:59,833 --> 00:29:00,834
Okay.
746
00:29:01,368 --> 00:29:02,836
Fred Flarsky it is.
747
00:29:03,269 --> 00:29:04,637
Thanks.
748
00:29:06,739 --> 00:29:08,741
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
749
00:29:09,809 --> 00:29:10,810
All right, bye.
750
00:29:12,311 --> 00:29:14,113
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
751
00:29:15,114 --> 00:29:16,348
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
752
00:29:17,249 --> 00:29:18,882
Unknown!
753
00:29:18,884 --> 00:29:20,684
I don't give a fuck.
Answer that shit.
754
00:29:20,686 --> 00:29:22,052
- What?
- Answer it!
755
00:29:22,054 --> 00:29:23,687
What if it's The Man
trying to get at me?
756
00:29:23,689 --> 00:29:25,390
No, it's the universe
trying to talk to you.
757
00:29:25,392 --> 00:29:26,657
Really?
758
00:29:26,659 --> 00:29:28,125
- Gang.
- Gang.
759
00:29:28,127 --> 00:29:29,893
Do that shit, man.
Fred, don't fuck with me.
760
00:29:29,895 --> 00:29:31,429
All right. Hello. Gang.
761
00:29:31,431 --> 00:29:33,263
- Mr. Flarsky?
- What?
762
00:29:33,265 --> 00:29:34,798
Wait, slow down. What?
763
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,700
- You're unknown. Pardon?
- Oh, my God. Mr. Flarsky.
764
00:29:36,702 --> 00:29:38,802
- Hello?
- Go on.
765
00:29:38,804 --> 00:29:42,407
This is Maggie Millikin
from Secretary Field's office.
766
00:29:42,409 --> 00:29:44,708
Hello, Maggie,
who works for Secretary Field.
767
00:29:44,710 --> 00:29:46,377
- Whoo!
- Hello?
768
00:29:46,379 --> 00:29:47,678
(WHISPERS) That's good!
Talk to her.
769
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:50,348
- Hello?
- How can I help you?
770
00:29:50,350 --> 00:29:52,317
The secretary would like
to meet with you immediately.
771
00:29:52,319 --> 00:29:53,684
We will send a car over.
772
00:29:53,686 --> 00:29:55,386
Can you give me
the most convenient address?
773
00:29:55,388 --> 00:29:57,222
- What is she saying?
- Secretary would like
774
00:29:57,224 --> 00:29:58,323
to meet with me immediately
775
00:29:58,325 --> 00:29:59,359
and they're going
to send a car?
776
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:04,429
Mr. Lou's Deli in Brooklyn.
777
00:30:04,431 --> 00:30:06,864
- I'm sure you can find it.
- I will google it.
778
00:30:06,866 --> 00:30:08,899
Mr. Lou's in Brooklyn.
Stay right there.
779
00:30:08,901 --> 00:30:09,967
Okay.
780
00:30:09,969 --> 00:30:12,136
Uh, I'll see you soon.
781
00:30:12,138 --> 00:30:14,407
(GROANING) Oh,
I feel so scared.
782
00:30:15,208 --> 00:30:16,341
Do I look okay?
783
00:30:16,343 --> 00:30:17,808
Do I look funny?
784
00:30:17,810 --> 00:30:19,042
- Why are these pockets here?
- LANCE: It's okay.
785
00:30:19,044 --> 00:30:20,311
God fucking damn it!
786
00:30:20,313 --> 00:30:22,180
Why am I wearing
these fucking stupid pants?
787
00:30:22,182 --> 00:30:23,414
They're too tapered!
788
00:30:23,416 --> 00:30:25,849
Who wears these silly-looking,
fucking tapered cargo pants
789
00:30:25,851 --> 00:30:27,984
and see the fucking
secretary of state?
790
00:30:27,986 --> 00:30:29,486
You can't think like this.
You have to be positive.
791
00:30:29,488 --> 00:30:30,987
- Mr. Flarsky?
- FRED: Oh, shit.
792
00:30:30,989 --> 00:30:32,124
Mr. Flarsky.
793
00:30:34,726 --> 00:30:35,825
Wish me luck, man.
794
00:30:35,827 --> 00:30:37,361
Yeah, you don't need luck, man.
She said it was okay.
795
00:30:37,363 --> 00:30:38,428
Luck is for losers.
796
00:30:38,430 --> 00:30:40,430
You've got destiny
on your side.
797
00:30:40,432 --> 00:30:43,233
You're good. Fred.
798
00:30:43,235 --> 00:30:44,769
You buy the body.
799
00:30:45,404 --> 00:30:46,671
That doesn't mean anything.
800
00:30:47,306 --> 00:30:49,106
(ENGINE STARTS)
801
00:30:49,108 --> 00:30:50,773
LANCE: Fred, put your
seat belt on.
802
00:30:50,775 --> 00:30:53,245
Take care of my friend.
All right?
803
00:30:54,313 --> 00:30:56,513
- I look normal?
- You look cool.
804
00:30:56,515 --> 00:30:57,916
I love you, Fred!
805
00:30:58,484 --> 00:31:00,352
Nut boys for life!
806
00:31:16,435 --> 00:31:19,403
Empty your pockets
and take off your backpack.
807
00:31:19,405 --> 00:31:20,772
Empty my pockets?
808
00:31:22,908 --> 00:31:24,310
All right. That's...
809
00:31:25,411 --> 00:31:26,845
Let's see how this goes.
810
00:31:29,949 --> 00:31:31,982
Not a regular cop, I assume.
811
00:31:31,984 --> 00:31:35,352
Got bigger fish to fry than
just normal cop shit, right?
812
00:31:35,354 --> 00:31:37,389
So, uh, okay. Let's do it.
813
00:31:37,990 --> 00:31:39,156
(EXHALES)
814
00:31:39,158 --> 00:31:42,893
That's prescription.
For anxiety. Uh...
815
00:31:42,895 --> 00:31:46,463
This is if you can't dance for
a long time and you want to.
816
00:31:46,465 --> 00:31:49,132
That's prescription as well,
for, uh, lack of energy.
817
00:31:49,134 --> 00:31:50,399
That's energy powder.
818
00:31:50,401 --> 00:31:54,005
These are to wrap
the anxiety medication in
819
00:31:54,872 --> 00:31:57,940
when inhaling it medicinally.
820
00:31:57,942 --> 00:32:00,409
That's if you want to vaporize
the anxiety medicine,
821
00:32:00,411 --> 00:32:02,080
which I have
a prescription for.
822
00:32:03,081 --> 00:32:04,415
And that's a blunt.
823
00:32:06,851 --> 00:32:08,853
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
824
00:32:10,455 --> 00:32:11,789
Ooh.
825
00:32:13,458 --> 00:32:14,459
Hi.
826
00:32:18,496 --> 00:32:20,196
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
827
00:32:20,198 --> 00:32:21,266
MAGGIE: Wow.
828
00:32:23,434 --> 00:32:24,900
Will you sign this, please?
829
00:32:24,902 --> 00:32:27,103
- What is it?
- It's an NDA.
830
00:32:27,105 --> 00:32:28,170
A non-disclosure agreement?
831
00:32:28,172 --> 00:32:30,474
- That's right.
- Okay.
832
00:32:30,476 --> 00:32:32,141
- (WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
- CHARLOTTE: Fred.
833
00:32:32,143 --> 00:32:33,943
- Yeah.
- Hey, nice to see you again.
834
00:32:33,945 --> 00:32:35,278
- Hi, you too.
- Come on in.
835
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:36,279
Take a seat.
836
00:32:36,281 --> 00:32:38,482
Good to see you were
not injured from that fall.
837
00:32:38,484 --> 00:32:40,316
Oh, yeah, you know what?
838
00:32:40,318 --> 00:32:41,917
I actually think
the brim of my hat
839
00:32:41,919 --> 00:32:43,487
kind of protected
my face ultimately.
840
00:32:43,489 --> 00:32:45,888
So, thank God I was
underdressed in the end, right?
841
00:32:45,890 --> 00:32:47,857
Well, as long as you're good.
842
00:32:47,859 --> 00:32:49,258
- I'm okay.
- Yeah. Great.
843
00:32:49,260 --> 00:32:50,328
FRED: Uh...
844
00:32:52,130 --> 00:32:53,563
Why am I here?
845
00:32:53,565 --> 00:32:55,164
What I'm about to
share with you
846
00:32:55,166 --> 00:32:57,300
is, obviously,
highly confidential.
847
00:32:57,302 --> 00:32:58,402
Oh, yeah.
848
00:32:58,404 --> 00:32:59,837
Keep it
on the down low.
849
00:33:01,340 --> 00:33:04,008
President Chambers will not
be seeking reelection.
850
00:33:04,310 --> 00:33:05,375
Really?
851
00:33:05,377 --> 00:33:07,043
(SOFTLY) Yes.
852
00:33:07,045 --> 00:33:11,047
That's fucking sick!
That's awesome.
853
00:33:11,049 --> 00:33:14,149
Are you telling each American
individually the good news?
854
00:33:14,151 --> 00:33:15,216
I mean, but seriously.
855
00:33:15,218 --> 00:33:16,385
Did he just realize
he sucks at it
856
00:33:16,387 --> 00:33:18,119
and decide
not to do it anymore?
857
00:33:18,121 --> 00:33:22,057
He just wants to move
into film and make movies.
858
00:33:22,059 --> 00:33:23,526
- Really?
- Yeah.
859
00:33:23,528 --> 00:33:25,428
That's cool. That's a tough
transition to make.
860
00:33:25,430 --> 00:33:28,264
Not many actors have made
the leap from TV to film.
861
00:33:28,266 --> 00:33:29,998
You got George Clooney,
you got Woody Harrelson...
862
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:31,066
Jennifer Aniston.
863
00:33:31,068 --> 00:33:32,668
Mmm, did she though?
864
00:33:32,670 --> 00:33:34,370
You don't think Jennifer
Aniston's a movie star?
865
00:33:34,372 --> 00:33:35,438
Just 'cause
you star in movies
866
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:36,505
doesn't mean
you're a movie star.
867
00:33:36,507 --> 00:33:38,641
The point is...
868
00:33:38,643 --> 00:33:41,446
He's going to endorse me
for president in 2020.
869
00:33:41,945 --> 00:33:43,011
Wow.
870
00:33:43,013 --> 00:33:44,347
- I know.
- Mazel tov.
871
00:33:44,349 --> 00:33:45,481
(CHUCKLES) So.
872
00:33:45,483 --> 00:33:47,550
We're headed to
an environmental summit
873
00:33:47,552 --> 00:33:48,983
hosted by King Gustav
874
00:33:48,985 --> 00:33:50,619
and the Swedish Royal Family.
875
00:33:50,621 --> 00:33:52,921
At the summit,
I'll be announcing
876
00:33:52,923 --> 00:33:55,023
that the world's
three largest polluters
877
00:33:55,025 --> 00:33:56,392
have signed on
to the most comprehensive
878
00:33:56,394 --> 00:33:58,394
and exciting
environmental deal ever.
879
00:33:58,396 --> 00:33:59,662
You know,
after I have some dairy,
880
00:33:59,664 --> 00:34:01,530
I'm one of the world's
three largest polluters.
881
00:34:01,532 --> 00:34:02,698
Excuse me?
882
00:34:02,700 --> 00:34:05,101
We'll address
rising sea levels,
883
00:34:05,103 --> 00:34:06,702
combat deforestation
884
00:34:06,704 --> 00:34:09,038
and protect
the world's pollinators.
885
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,141
I'm calling it the Global
Rehabilitation Initiative.
886
00:34:12,143 --> 00:34:13,409
Internally,
we're referring to it
887
00:34:13,411 --> 00:34:14,710
as "Bees, Trees and the Seas."
888
00:34:14,712 --> 00:34:16,245
CHARLOTTE: Soon after that,
889
00:34:16,247 --> 00:34:18,581
I hope to announce that
100 countries have signed on.
890
00:34:18,583 --> 00:34:21,083
- Wow.
- At which point...
891
00:34:21,085 --> 00:34:23,452
I will resign
as secretary of state.
892
00:34:23,454 --> 00:34:26,455
Using this initiative
as a springboard,
893
00:34:26,457 --> 00:34:28,657
I will announce
my presidential run in 2020.
894
00:34:28,659 --> 00:34:30,261
- Cool.
- So...
895
00:34:32,163 --> 00:34:34,730
I need some writers
to punch up my speeches.
896
00:34:34,732 --> 00:34:37,065
I read your work
and I really like it.
897
00:34:37,067 --> 00:34:38,266
That's... Wow.
898
00:34:38,268 --> 00:34:39,968
You mentioned
you were between jobs.
899
00:34:39,970 --> 00:34:40,935
So it's a really good fit.
900
00:34:40,937 --> 00:34:43,505
It's so nice of you
to think of me at all,
901
00:34:43,507 --> 00:34:46,007
honestly, with everything
going on in your head.
902
00:34:46,009 --> 00:34:47,308
I look forward
to working with you.
903
00:34:47,310 --> 00:34:48,311
Thank you.
904
00:34:50,447 --> 00:34:53,316
Um... So, uh,
when do you need to know by?
905
00:34:54,584 --> 00:34:56,718
(CHUCKLING) What?
I don't understand.
906
00:34:56,720 --> 00:34:58,754
When do you need to know if
I'm going to take your, uh,
907
00:34:58,756 --> 00:35:00,323
your punch-up job?
908
00:35:01,726 --> 00:35:03,191
Right now.
909
00:35:03,193 --> 00:35:05,761
Oh. Uh...
Then I guess,
910
00:35:05,763 --> 00:35:08,463
maybe... Maybe, uh, no?
911
00:35:08,465 --> 00:35:10,733
Maybe no, I don't know.
I don't know!
912
00:35:10,735 --> 00:35:11,834
You know what,
Madam Secretary,
913
00:35:11,836 --> 00:35:13,769
he's not interested.
We tried, it didn't work out.
914
00:35:13,771 --> 00:35:16,540
So I can give you
some writing samples...
915
00:35:21,545 --> 00:35:23,545
What don't you know?
916
00:35:23,547 --> 00:35:26,080
This whole Seas, Bees
and Trees thing.
917
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:27,716
Is it actually
going to do something?
918
00:35:27,718 --> 00:35:29,384
Or is it going to be
one of those things
919
00:35:29,386 --> 00:35:31,419
that maybe only sounds like
it's gonna do something,
920
00:35:31,421 --> 00:35:33,154
but doesn't
actually do something?
921
00:35:33,156 --> 00:35:35,691
I only wanna come work for you
922
00:35:35,693 --> 00:35:37,258
if it's actually
gonna do something.
923
00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:38,561
It will do something.
924
00:35:38,563 --> 00:35:40,428
This is a perfect document.
925
00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:42,731
They all start out that way
and then they get watered down.
926
00:35:42,733 --> 00:35:43,666
Fred.
927
00:35:43,668 --> 00:35:46,134
Not only does this
initiative sound good,
928
00:35:46,136 --> 00:35:47,001
it's going to do good.
929
00:35:47,003 --> 00:35:49,370
It's gonna save
the fucking planet.
930
00:35:49,372 --> 00:35:51,540
Not to mention,
pay your rent.
931
00:35:51,542 --> 00:35:52,808
So, are you in?
932
00:35:52,810 --> 00:35:55,446
Or do you have something
more important to do?
933
00:35:56,447 --> 00:35:58,114
Than save the planet with you?
934
00:35:59,816 --> 00:36:02,450
No, I don't. (CHUCKLES)
I'm in.
935
00:36:02,452 --> 00:36:04,284
Phew! (CHUCKLES)
936
00:36:04,286 --> 00:36:05,555
Let's save the planet.
937
00:36:06,222 --> 00:36:07,187
That was...
938
00:36:07,189 --> 00:36:09,291
What just happened?
She's good. (LAUGHS)
939
00:36:33,783 --> 00:36:34,849
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
940
00:36:34,851 --> 00:36:35,819
FRED: Uh, hey.
941
00:36:37,754 --> 00:36:39,754
I had some jokes, uh,
I was gonna run by you,
942
00:36:39,756 --> 00:36:41,190
maybe, if you have a second.
943
00:36:44,494 --> 00:36:47,096
What are you...
What are you looking at?
944
00:36:50,300 --> 00:36:51,499
- (GASPS)
- (YELPS)
945
00:36:51,501 --> 00:36:52,567
- Jesus!
- Oh, my God!
946
00:36:52,569 --> 00:36:54,802
Why would you just barge
in here while I'm sleeping?
947
00:36:54,804 --> 00:36:56,337
- You were sleeping?
- Yes!
948
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,105
I was micro napping.
949
00:36:58,107 --> 00:36:59,874
- That's what you call that?
- Yes.
950
00:36:59,876 --> 00:37:01,543
Sorry, I didn't realize
you were sleeping.
951
00:37:01,545 --> 00:37:03,111
You were standing
and your eyes were open.
952
00:37:03,113 --> 00:37:04,178
Do you need something?
953
00:37:04,180 --> 00:37:05,280
I have some jokes
that I wrote
954
00:37:05,282 --> 00:37:07,282
that I was gonna run by you
if you have a second.
955
00:37:07,284 --> 00:37:08,750
Yeah, that was actually
a really good nap.
956
00:37:08,752 --> 00:37:10,785
Great. Seemed very restful.
957
00:37:10,787 --> 00:37:11,788
(SIGHS) Okay.
958
00:37:14,691 --> 00:37:15,623
Whoa.
959
00:37:15,625 --> 00:37:19,227
I feel like these jokes
are a little angry.
960
00:37:19,229 --> 00:37:21,529
Oh. I thought maybe
they were, like, emphatic?
961
00:37:21,531 --> 00:37:23,430
"With every
fracking drill thrust,
962
00:37:23,432 --> 00:37:26,266
"we are literally
butt-fucking Mother Earth"?
963
00:37:26,268 --> 00:37:27,434
It can be normal fucking.
964
00:37:27,436 --> 00:37:28,802
It doesn't have to be
in the butt.
965
00:37:28,804 --> 00:37:29,870
I can take that part out.
966
00:37:29,872 --> 00:37:31,438
Yeah, listen, Fred.
967
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:32,839
If I'm angry,
I'm hysterical.
968
00:37:32,841 --> 00:37:34,441
If I'm emotional,
I'm weak.
969
00:37:34,443 --> 00:37:36,176
If I so much as
raise my voice, I'm a bitch.
970
00:37:36,178 --> 00:37:37,444
My job's hard.
971
00:37:37,446 --> 00:37:39,413
Not as hard as mine.
972
00:37:39,415 --> 00:37:41,214
I think maybe, like,
part of the problem
973
00:37:41,216 --> 00:37:43,483
is that, like, a lot of humor
is based on,
974
00:37:43,485 --> 00:37:45,619
like, personal experiences.
975
00:37:45,621 --> 00:37:46,520
I was thinking, you know,
976
00:37:46,522 --> 00:37:48,488
you cared a lot
about the environment
977
00:37:48,490 --> 00:37:49,656
- since high school.
- Mmm-hmm.
978
00:37:49,658 --> 00:37:53,393
So maybe include
some stories about that.
979
00:37:53,395 --> 00:37:54,763
- High school?
- Yeah.
980
00:37:56,332 --> 00:37:57,598
You think that's funny?
981
00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:58,699
I think it's a good area.
982
00:37:58,701 --> 00:38:00,767
Nostalgia,
pop culture references.
983
00:38:00,769 --> 00:38:01,869
People love that.
984
00:38:01,871 --> 00:38:03,704
Jimmy Fallon's made
an entire career off of that.
985
00:38:03,706 --> 00:38:05,873
When I think about school,
I just think about studying.
986
00:38:05,875 --> 00:38:07,474
No, you did
so much more than that.
987
00:38:07,476 --> 00:38:10,177
I think your whole 1991
platform was pretty on-point
988
00:38:10,179 --> 00:38:11,511
when you were running
for Student Council.
989
00:38:11,513 --> 00:38:14,348
I remember you said,
"Everyone at this school
990
00:38:14,350 --> 00:38:16,550
"pretends to care
about the underdog,
991
00:38:16,552 --> 00:38:17,719
"but the planet Earth is
992
00:38:17,721 --> 00:38:18,920
"the biggest underdog
of them all."
993
00:38:18,922 --> 00:38:20,220
Something like that.
994
00:38:20,222 --> 00:38:21,321
I said that?
995
00:38:21,323 --> 00:38:22,724
Yeah, you did say that.
996
00:38:22,726 --> 00:38:24,625
You were in the kitchen,
making pizza.
997
00:38:24,627 --> 00:38:27,427
We were making signs
for your election.
998
00:38:27,429 --> 00:38:29,664
And you were
wearing that shirt.
999
00:38:29,666 --> 00:38:31,632
I don't know if it was
a strawberry or a flower,
1000
00:38:31,634 --> 00:38:32,869
it always confused me.
1001
00:38:33,402 --> 00:38:34,468
It was both.
1002
00:38:34,470 --> 00:38:36,403
Oh, there you go.
1003
00:38:36,405 --> 00:38:38,238
That's all I remember
about that night, though.
1004
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:39,774
Uh, that's where my memories
1005
00:38:39,776 --> 00:38:43,276
concerning that evening
expire.
1006
00:38:43,278 --> 00:38:45,747
I learned a lot
from that election.
1007
00:38:45,749 --> 00:38:47,313
Yeah, that kids are
probably more likely
1008
00:38:47,315 --> 00:38:48,715
to vote for two proms
1009
00:38:48,717 --> 00:38:51,217
than a very elaborate
recycling program.
1010
00:38:51,219 --> 00:38:52,819
- (CHUCKLES)
- Not only kids.
1011
00:38:52,821 --> 00:38:55,756
Yeah, that's true.
1012
00:38:55,758 --> 00:38:59,593
Did you know he asked me out
to one of those proms?
1013
00:38:59,595 --> 00:39:00,761
- Bill Sterling?
- Yeah.
1014
00:39:00,763 --> 00:39:01,928
After he beat you?
1015
00:39:01,930 --> 00:39:04,265
- Yup.
- Prom one or prom two?
1016
00:39:05,601 --> 00:39:06,600
Oh!
1017
00:39:06,602 --> 00:39:09,435
What a fuckhead!
You're way better than prom two.
1018
00:39:09,437 --> 00:39:10,537
(SIGHS AND LAUGHS)
1019
00:39:10,539 --> 00:39:13,239
I went to zero proms,
by the way, for the record.
1020
00:39:13,241 --> 00:39:15,341
I think you're the smart one
in this situation.
1021
00:39:15,343 --> 00:39:17,444
Yes, that's why
I didn't go to prom.
1022
00:39:17,446 --> 00:39:20,683
'Cause I was too smart. Uh...
1023
00:39:22,818 --> 00:39:25,752
Cool. I'll get to work on
that speech stuff.
1024
00:39:25,754 --> 00:39:26,755
Great.
1025
00:39:27,288 --> 00:39:28,354
Hey, Fred.
1026
00:39:28,356 --> 00:39:30,322
Yeah.
1027
00:39:30,324 --> 00:39:32,626
You know, if you want to try
some non-joke stuff,
1028
00:39:32,628 --> 00:39:33,560
just go ahead.
1029
00:39:33,562 --> 00:39:36,563
Really? Like the main part
of the speech?
1030
00:39:36,565 --> 00:39:38,600
Yeah. Just write.
1031
00:39:39,802 --> 00:39:41,470
Cool. Awesome. Thanks.
1032
00:39:42,037 --> 00:39:43,202
If you take another nap,
1033
00:39:43,204 --> 00:39:45,605
you should put on, like,
a bicycle helmet or something.
1034
00:39:45,607 --> 00:39:47,507
'Cause you're gonna tip over,
there's turbulence.
1035
00:39:47,509 --> 00:39:49,276
That's actually
a really good idea.
1036
00:39:49,278 --> 00:39:50,410
It is. I want you
to be careful.
1037
00:39:50,412 --> 00:39:51,545
- Yeah.
- We need you.
1038
00:39:51,547 --> 00:39:52,648
(CHUCKLES)
1039
00:39:54,483 --> 00:39:56,485
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (BAND PLAYING)
1040
00:39:58,053 --> 00:40:00,255
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
1041
00:40:07,896 --> 00:40:09,462
- Ambassador.
- Welcome to Sweden.
1042
00:40:09,464 --> 00:40:10,763
Nice to see you again.
1043
00:40:10,765 --> 00:40:11,766
Yeah, you too.
1044
00:40:13,901 --> 00:40:15,468
I look forward to seeing you
tonight at dinner.
1045
00:40:15,470 --> 00:40:16,569
Yes.
1046
00:40:16,571 --> 00:40:17,937
Uh, Madam Secretary,
1047
00:40:17,939 --> 00:40:19,305
I have some ideas
I wanna throw by you.
1048
00:40:19,307 --> 00:40:20,506
Yeah, soon, Fred.
1049
00:40:20,508 --> 00:40:21,741
Tom, do you have the schedule?
1050
00:40:21,743 --> 00:40:23,444
- TOM: Yes, of course, ma'am.
- (SIGHS) All right.
1051
00:40:26,514 --> 00:40:27,715
MAGGIE: In the back, Flarsky!
1052
00:40:29,383 --> 00:40:30,783
TOM: Then at 8:15, you have
a fitting for tonight's gala.
1053
00:40:30,785 --> 00:40:33,719
Then at 8:45, a call with
Iraqi Prime Minister Masum,
1054
00:40:33,721 --> 00:40:35,788
9:15, a call
to Brazilian President Temer
1055
00:40:35,790 --> 00:40:36,956
about deforestation issues.
1056
00:40:36,958 --> 00:40:40,359
2:15, you have a call with
U.K. Foreign Secretary Green
1057
00:40:40,361 --> 00:40:42,561
to discuss your tour
of Scotland in a few weeks.
1058
00:40:42,563 --> 00:40:44,730
2:25, then you have
a call with New York Times
1059
00:40:44,732 --> 00:40:46,966
to comment on POTUS'
latest Instagram attack
1060
00:40:46,968 --> 00:40:49,335
on Prime Minister Bharath
of Kashtar.
1061
00:40:49,337 --> 00:40:50,402
At 5:45,
we're meeting with the head
1062
00:40:50,404 --> 00:40:51,470
of Sweden's
Diplomatic Protocol,
1063
00:40:51,472 --> 00:40:54,406
Ingrid Minervudottir,
to discuss tonight's schedule.
1064
00:40:54,408 --> 00:40:55,708
Okay. And then after that?
1065
00:40:55,710 --> 00:40:57,010
Also, Parker Wembley
keeps trying to get
1066
00:40:57,012 --> 00:40:58,511
- some face time with you.
- Oh, God.
1067
00:40:58,513 --> 00:41:00,746
Parker can wait.
Okay, Fred. Go.
1068
00:41:00,748 --> 00:41:02,050
Yeah, sure. Um...
1069
00:41:02,717 --> 00:41:04,850
So, uh, you know,
1070
00:41:04,852 --> 00:41:06,685
based on what we were
talking about last night,
1071
00:41:06,687 --> 00:41:09,555
I just took a stab at
the whole speech, basically.
1072
00:41:09,557 --> 00:41:11,490
(CLICKS TONGUE)
That's good.
1073
00:41:11,492 --> 00:41:14,060
- Thank you.
- This part isn't.
1074
00:41:14,062 --> 00:41:16,629
Okay, well, you said you
didn't want to sound too angry.
1075
00:41:16,631 --> 00:41:19,065
I also don't want to sound
like I have a head injury.
1076
00:41:19,067 --> 00:41:20,766
Okay. Uh,
I'll go change it.
1077
00:41:20,768 --> 00:41:22,135
Great. Thanks.
1078
00:41:22,137 --> 00:41:24,370
Okay, here we go.
1079
00:41:24,372 --> 00:41:25,771
- (SIGHS)
- So...
1080
00:41:25,773 --> 00:41:27,375
All right.
1081
00:41:28,442 --> 00:41:29,542
Fred.
1082
00:41:29,544 --> 00:41:30,977
Yeah?
1083
00:41:30,979 --> 00:41:33,513
Do you have any grown-up
clothes to wear tonight?
1084
00:41:37,617 --> 00:41:38,616
I was gonna...
I was thinking
1085
00:41:38,618 --> 00:41:40,886
of zipping this up
all the way, like to here.
1086
00:41:40,888 --> 00:41:41,821
That's kind of
a little more...
1087
00:41:41,823 --> 00:41:43,454
It's, like,
slightly more buttoned up.
1088
00:41:43,456 --> 00:41:44,489
MAGGIE: You know what,
Madam Secretary,
1089
00:41:44,491 --> 00:41:48,526
I would be delighted
to dress Fred for tonight.
1090
00:41:48,528 --> 00:41:49,795
Thank you, Maggie.
I'd be thrilled
1091
00:41:49,797 --> 00:41:52,031
to have you dress me
for tonight's event.
1092
00:41:52,033 --> 00:41:53,132
What a fun adventure.
1093
00:41:53,134 --> 00:41:55,466
Get a little makeover.
All right, have a good one.
1094
00:41:55,468 --> 00:41:56,669
Thank you, Fred.
1095
00:41:56,671 --> 00:41:57,569
FRED: Why, thank you.
1096
00:41:57,571 --> 00:41:58,871
MAGGIE: ...and then
it's saying hello,
1097
00:41:58,873 --> 00:42:00,005
you'll sit down,
we'll have dinner,
1098
00:42:00,007 --> 00:42:01,406
- I'll pull you up...
- Where's Flarsky?
1099
00:42:01,408 --> 00:42:02,507
Why are we waiting?
1100
00:42:02,509 --> 00:42:04,109
What, is he doing his hair?
1101
00:42:04,111 --> 00:42:05,713
- (SIGHS)
- Um...
1102
00:42:06,113 --> 00:42:07,880
Oh.
1103
00:42:07,882 --> 00:42:10,517
- TOM: What the...
- (CHARLOTTE LAUGHING)
1104
00:42:14,689 --> 00:42:15,988
What the fuck
are you wearing?
1105
00:42:15,990 --> 00:42:18,023
She bought me
this shit. Okay?
1106
00:42:18,025 --> 00:42:19,825
It's a traditional
Swedish suit.
1107
00:42:19,827 --> 00:42:22,628
I don't see another
fucking Swede up in here
1108
00:42:22,630 --> 00:42:23,929
dressed like this.
1109
00:42:23,931 --> 00:42:26,131
It's all I could do
on such short notice.
1110
00:42:26,133 --> 00:42:28,801
You just take the jacket off,
it's going to make it better.
1111
00:42:28,803 --> 00:42:32,372
It's just... Make it look...
Oh, my God.
1112
00:42:34,976 --> 00:42:36,809
Better with
the jacket on? Great.
1113
00:42:36,811 --> 00:42:38,811
Razzing the new guy, I get it.
Fuck you, Maggie.
1114
00:42:38,813 --> 00:42:39,945
Calm the Smurf down.
1115
00:42:39,947 --> 00:42:41,015
Bring a fucking suit
next time.
1116
00:42:45,786 --> 00:42:47,019
(CLEARS THROAT)
1117
00:42:47,021 --> 00:42:48,087
Do you like the speech?
1118
00:42:48,089 --> 00:42:49,255
Yes, the speech is good.
1119
00:42:49,257 --> 00:42:51,757
Oh, you're going to have to
stay way back there, Fred.
1120
00:42:51,759 --> 00:42:53,525
Just stay back, Flarsky.
Okay? She's got to focus.
1121
00:42:53,527 --> 00:42:54,593
On what?
1122
00:42:54,595 --> 00:42:55,794
Getting India and China
to agree
1123
00:42:55,796 --> 00:42:56,861
to be a part
of this initiative.
1124
00:42:56,863 --> 00:42:59,197
They haven't even agreed
to be a part of it yet?
1125
00:42:59,199 --> 00:43:01,633
They will, we just have to
sort out a few details.
1126
00:43:01,635 --> 00:43:02,734
We just wrote
a whole speech
1127
00:43:02,736 --> 00:43:03,902
about how
they're on-board already.
1128
00:43:03,904 --> 00:43:05,105
Don't worry, Fred.
1129
00:43:06,106 --> 00:43:07,872
You just stay here
and make sure
1130
00:43:07,874 --> 00:43:11,075
nobody from Candy Land
needs their car parked, okay?
1131
00:43:11,077 --> 00:43:12,477
I don't know
why you needed a writer.
1132
00:43:12,479 --> 00:43:13,645
Those are sick burns.
1133
00:43:13,647 --> 00:43:15,046
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
1134
00:43:15,048 --> 00:43:17,548
CRIER: Secretary of State
Charlotte Field
1135
00:43:17,550 --> 00:43:19,586
of the United States
of America.
1136
00:43:21,955 --> 00:43:23,821
Your Majesty.
Your Highness.
1137
00:43:23,823 --> 00:43:25,158
- Your Highness.
- Pleasure.
1138
00:43:31,131 --> 00:43:32,599
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh.
1139
00:43:34,834 --> 00:43:37,202
No, thank you.
I'm working right now.
1140
00:43:37,204 --> 00:43:38,838
And you know you are, too.
1141
00:43:40,241 --> 00:43:41,373
I do know that.
1142
00:43:41,375 --> 00:43:43,775
But you dressed me like
Cap'n Crunch's Grindr date,
1143
00:43:43,777 --> 00:43:46,078
so I'm going to drink
to make you uncomfortable.
1144
00:43:46,080 --> 00:43:48,782
Honestly, Fred, your entire
life makes me uncomfortable.
1145
00:43:50,117 --> 00:43:51,683
(MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH)
1146
00:43:51,685 --> 00:43:53,118
FRED: Oh no, fuck me.
1147
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,620
(MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH)
1148
00:43:55,622 --> 00:43:57,256
- Yes.
- (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH)
1149
00:43:57,258 --> 00:44:00,858
We both shop in the same
mystical village, I see.
1150
00:44:00,860 --> 00:44:03,262
- (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH)
- Yes, you look great.
1151
00:44:03,264 --> 00:44:04,629
- Congratulations.
- Skal.
1152
00:44:04,631 --> 00:44:06,198
Skal. Skal to you, too.
1153
00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:09,103
- (SPEAKS SWEDISH)
- Yes. (SPEAKS SWEDISH)
1154
00:44:11,205 --> 00:44:12,206
Jesus.
1155
00:44:14,808 --> 00:44:17,809
Hey, we're making
a few revisions to the speech.
1156
00:44:17,811 --> 00:44:18,810
What?
1157
00:44:18,812 --> 00:44:20,979
So we're losing the "Seas" part,
so go cut that,
1158
00:44:20,981 --> 00:44:22,947
and then brainstorm
a couple of other funny lines
1159
00:44:22,949 --> 00:44:24,048
for the "Trees" section, okay?
1160
00:44:24,050 --> 00:44:25,283
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1161
00:44:25,285 --> 00:44:27,952
Losing the Seas part, why?
1162
00:44:27,954 --> 00:44:29,354
Because India wouldn't go
for it. So we had to pivot.
1163
00:44:29,356 --> 00:44:32,123
That's not a pivot,
that's a third of the whole fucking shit.
1164
00:44:32,125 --> 00:44:34,591
Are you kidding me?
That's it, it's just gone?
1165
00:44:34,593 --> 00:44:35,692
Yeah, it's gone.
1166
00:44:35,694 --> 00:44:36,660
And there's nothing
we can do?
1167
00:44:36,662 --> 00:44:37,761
No. And you don't
have to worry about it.
1168
00:44:37,763 --> 00:44:41,799
Just go over to the computer.
Start typey-typing.
1169
00:44:41,801 --> 00:44:42,802
Well, no.
1170
00:44:43,803 --> 00:44:45,303
I'm not gonna do that.
1171
00:44:45,305 --> 00:44:47,205
So you quit,
resignation accepted.
1172
00:44:47,207 --> 00:44:48,773
I will rewrite the speech.
1173
00:44:48,775 --> 00:44:49,874
Oh, the fuck you will!
1174
00:44:49,876 --> 00:44:50,977
What the fuck?
1175
00:44:52,078 --> 00:44:54,045
(ALL GASP)
1176
00:44:54,047 --> 00:44:55,982
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1177
00:45:00,787 --> 00:45:02,222
- MAGGIE: You don't...
- FRED: Let go!
1178
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,261
(GUEST GASPING)
1179
00:45:10,296 --> 00:45:11,396
FRED: Look out. Excuse me!
1180
00:45:11,398 --> 00:45:13,097
MAGGIE: Stop running!
Stop running! Stop running!
1181
00:45:13,099 --> 00:45:14,198
Fred, stop running!
1182
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:16,002
(GUEST MURMURING)
1183
00:45:16,870 --> 00:45:17,871
Fred...
1184
00:45:18,705 --> 00:45:19,839
(EXCLAIMS)
1185
00:45:22,942 --> 00:45:24,008
Why did you do that?
1186
00:45:24,010 --> 00:45:25,943
Because I will not
have you damage
1187
00:45:25,945 --> 00:45:27,278
the integrity of my writing!
1188
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:29,280
The integrity of your writing?
1189
00:45:29,282 --> 00:45:31,816
You're a punch-up writer,
you're not Maya Angelou!
1190
00:45:31,818 --> 00:45:33,317
What is going on?
1191
00:45:33,319 --> 00:45:35,019
What's going on
with you, bruh?
1192
00:45:35,021 --> 00:45:36,054
Did you just
call me "bruh"?
1193
00:45:36,056 --> 00:45:38,823
- She's the secretary of state.
- Is he high?
1194
00:45:38,825 --> 00:45:41,025
MAGGIE: He is wasted,
but he's also just stupid.
1195
00:45:41,027 --> 00:45:42,694
Meet me in the conference
room, I'll handle this.
1196
00:45:45,397 --> 00:45:46,930
What's the deal, Fred?
1197
00:45:46,932 --> 00:45:49,733
What's the deal?
What's the deal? What are...
1198
00:45:49,735 --> 00:45:51,701
The only reason I'm here
is 'cause you told me
1199
00:45:51,703 --> 00:45:53,003
you cared about this shit,
1200
00:45:53,005 --> 00:45:55,272
and in the time I come
out here to have a smoke,
1201
00:45:55,274 --> 00:45:58,108
you fucking got rid of a massive
element of the whole thing.
1202
00:45:58,110 --> 00:46:01,412
I got two out of three.
I only lost one.
1203
00:46:01,414 --> 00:46:04,648
That one was the seas.
1204
00:46:04,650 --> 00:46:07,084
It covers 75% of the planet!
1205
00:46:07,086 --> 00:46:09,019
- It's a pretty big one!
- Bring down your voice.
1206
00:46:09,021 --> 00:46:10,120
You know why I'm upset?
1207
00:46:10,122 --> 00:46:12,222
This is exactly what I thought
was going to happen.
1208
00:46:12,224 --> 00:46:14,358
And I even said it.
I said it in your office.
1209
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:17,127
I don't want to write
for some bullshit politician.
1210
00:46:17,129 --> 00:46:18,396
I wanted to write for you.
1211
00:46:18,398 --> 00:46:20,130
Because I thought you cared
about this shit.
1212
00:46:20,132 --> 00:46:22,933
Until you're running the game,
you have to play the game.
1213
00:46:22,935 --> 00:46:24,868
Well, then, by the time
you win the game,
1214
00:46:24,870 --> 00:46:28,004
you don't know who's scoring
touchdowns on whose nets,
1215
00:46:28,006 --> 00:46:29,873
and you don't know
who's hitting home runs
1216
00:46:29,875 --> 00:46:31,342
in whose fucking end zones!
1217
00:46:31,344 --> 00:46:32,909
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know sports.
1218
00:46:32,911 --> 00:46:34,144
Let me try it with food.
1219
00:46:34,146 --> 00:46:36,414
You wanna open a restaurant.
But all you got is chopsticks.
1220
00:46:36,416 --> 00:46:39,116
No! I don't have time
for this, okay?
1221
00:46:39,118 --> 00:46:41,818
If you want to quit,
then just fucking quit.
1222
00:46:41,820 --> 00:46:43,687
- I don't give a shit.
- Yeah, you don't give a shit.
1223
00:46:43,689 --> 00:46:44,721
- No, I don't.
- You used to fucking give a shit,
1224
00:46:44,723 --> 00:46:46,957
but now you don't
give a shit about anything.
1225
00:46:46,959 --> 00:46:48,692
You cared more about
recycling in high school
1226
00:46:48,694 --> 00:46:50,796
than you do this shit and it's
very disappointing to me.
1227
00:46:51,997 --> 00:46:54,298
Fuck this.
I've got a speech to give.
1228
00:46:54,300 --> 00:46:55,466
Oh, yeah, good luck
giving it,
1229
00:46:55,468 --> 00:46:56,800
it's on my computer
in the snow.
1230
00:46:56,802 --> 00:46:58,302
I have copies, you idiot.
1231
00:46:58,304 --> 00:47:00,672
You just threw your computer
in the snow, that's it.
1232
00:47:01,773 --> 00:47:04,042
Oh, no! Shit!
1233
00:47:05,211 --> 00:47:07,277
Oh, God damn it!
1234
00:47:07,279 --> 00:47:10,012
It's soaked!
I need a bowl of rice!
1235
00:47:10,014 --> 00:47:11,749
I need a big bowl of rice!
1236
00:47:13,085 --> 00:47:16,319
God damn it! Why didn't I
back this thing up?
1237
00:47:16,321 --> 00:47:17,889
All my shit's on here.
1238
00:47:28,233 --> 00:47:29,734
CHARLOTTE: Fred. Look.
1239
00:47:33,438 --> 00:47:34,640
Wow.
1240
00:47:38,510 --> 00:47:40,678
I've never seen
anything like that.
1241
00:47:43,048 --> 00:47:44,049
No, I...
1242
00:47:44,983 --> 00:47:47,019
I've seen pictures of it,
but I never...
1243
00:47:48,220 --> 00:47:49,221
...actually...
1244
00:47:51,156 --> 00:47:53,258
I never saw it. (SNIFFLES)
1245
00:47:54,226 --> 00:47:55,861
Are you crying right now?
1246
00:47:56,794 --> 00:47:57,795
It's pretty.
1247
00:48:02,301 --> 00:48:03,302
Yeah.
1248
00:48:05,871 --> 00:48:06,872
Fred?
1249
00:48:07,306 --> 00:48:08,307
(SNIFFLES) Yeah?
1250
00:48:09,808 --> 00:48:12,042
If you ever pull
some shit like that again,
1251
00:48:12,044 --> 00:48:13,378
I'll have you thrown in Gitmo.
1252
00:48:15,881 --> 00:48:17,749
Yes, Madam Secretary.
I'm sorry.
1253
00:48:19,484 --> 00:48:21,987
You better hope this fucking
speech goes over well.
1254
00:48:24,790 --> 00:48:28,992
I've often gravitated
toward the underdog.
1255
00:48:28,994 --> 00:48:33,429
The band of misfits who fight
back against the bullies.
1256
00:48:33,431 --> 00:48:36,300
In high school, I would talk
about the underdog a lot.
1257
00:48:38,035 --> 00:48:40,836
And I would often find myself
on a soapbox,
1258
00:48:40,838 --> 00:48:44,242
rambling on and on about
the injustices of the world.
1259
00:48:47,311 --> 00:48:49,878
Which makes you
extremely popular,
1260
00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:52,381
especially when everybody
would rather be watching
1261
00:48:52,383 --> 00:48:54,450
Beverly Hills, 90210.
1262
00:48:54,452 --> 00:48:56,087
(ALL LAUGH)
1263
00:48:58,489 --> 00:49:01,156
But that is why I am happy
to announce
1264
00:49:01,158 --> 00:49:04,426
an initiative that would make
my 16-year-old self proud.
1265
00:49:04,428 --> 00:49:06,929
In what is now being dubbed
"The Underdog Speech,"
1266
00:49:06,931 --> 00:49:09,198
the secretary of state
opened up about her childhood
1267
00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:10,500
and passion
for the environment
1268
00:49:10,502 --> 00:49:13,102
by announcing
a bold new initiative...
1269
00:49:13,104 --> 00:49:16,205
...turns out she has always
been an Andrea Zuckerman
1270
00:49:16,207 --> 00:49:18,376
in the body of a Kelly Taylor.
1271
00:49:20,244 --> 00:49:22,046
- Hey.
- Hi.
1272
00:49:23,214 --> 00:49:24,913
Oh, wow, you shaved your neck.
1273
00:49:24,915 --> 00:49:26,181
I did. I cleaned it up.
1274
00:49:26,183 --> 00:49:28,385
Got my whole back.
Went all the way down.
1275
00:49:28,387 --> 00:49:29,552
Looks good.
1276
00:49:29,554 --> 00:49:31,388
Trying to make a good
impression, I guess, anyway...
1277
00:49:31,390 --> 00:49:33,456
I, uh...
1278
00:49:33,458 --> 00:49:36,959
I just wanted to apologize
to you, again,
1279
00:49:36,961 --> 00:49:40,296
for acting a little crazy,
you know.
1280
00:49:40,298 --> 00:49:41,964
I'm gonna...
1281
00:49:41,966 --> 00:49:43,198
I'm going to really try
to tone it down
1282
00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:46,871
and not, you know, make you
risk global, uh, humiliation.
1283
00:49:47,238 --> 00:49:48,340
Good. Great.
1284
00:49:48,973 --> 00:49:50,105
Also.
1285
00:49:50,107 --> 00:49:51,641
I googled speech writing
1286
00:49:51,643 --> 00:49:53,442
and it was
actually very informative.
1287
00:49:53,444 --> 00:49:54,410
What I learned
1288
00:49:54,412 --> 00:49:55,711
was that in order to write
better for you,
1289
00:49:55,713 --> 00:49:59,147
I should kinda get to know you
better and get in your head,
1290
00:49:59,149 --> 00:50:00,282
and everything
I already know about you,
1291
00:50:00,284 --> 00:50:01,483
I kinda used
on the first speech.
1292
00:50:01,485 --> 00:50:02,950
So, what I did
1293
00:50:02,952 --> 00:50:04,353
was I wrote a ton of questions
1294
00:50:04,355 --> 00:50:06,120
that will maybe help me
capture your voice,
1295
00:50:06,122 --> 00:50:07,423
if you have a minute.
1296
00:50:07,425 --> 00:50:09,291
I actually have seven.
1297
00:50:09,293 --> 00:50:11,460
Seven. Okay, great.
Yeah. I'll take it.
1298
00:50:11,462 --> 00:50:12,960
- All right.
- Seven minutes in heaven.
1299
00:50:12,962 --> 00:50:14,296
(CHUCKLES) Um...
1300
00:50:14,298 --> 00:50:16,265
- Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
- So. Ah... I guess...
1301
00:50:16,267 --> 00:50:17,433
Just like...
What are you into?
1302
00:50:17,435 --> 00:50:18,634
What kind of shit you into?
1303
00:50:18,636 --> 00:50:20,502
Well, this is
pretty much it.
1304
00:50:20,504 --> 00:50:22,304
I mean,
secretary of state stuff.
1305
00:50:22,306 --> 00:50:24,606
Do you have any hobbies?
Anything? Do you watch TV?
1306
00:50:24,608 --> 00:50:26,241
Do you watch Game of Thrones
or anything like that?
1307
00:50:26,243 --> 00:50:27,942
Oh, I'm fully aware
of what happened
1308
00:50:27,944 --> 00:50:29,445
in every season
of Game of Thrones.
1309
00:50:29,447 --> 00:50:31,280
Because you watch it?
1310
00:50:31,282 --> 00:50:33,415
Because I read synopses
on every episode.
1311
00:50:33,417 --> 00:50:35,084
That can't actually work.
1312
00:50:35,086 --> 00:50:36,984
I couldn't believe
when Khaleesi's dragon
1313
00:50:36,986 --> 00:50:38,356
(WHISPERS)
came back as a White Walker.
1314
00:50:39,023 --> 00:50:40,322
(WHISPERS) Whoa!
1315
00:50:40,324 --> 00:50:41,423
- See?
- What about movies?
1316
00:50:41,425 --> 00:50:42,691
Do you watch movies?
1317
00:50:42,693 --> 00:50:44,959
Synopses of all
the award contenders.
1318
00:50:44,961 --> 00:50:46,295
You used to love movies!
1319
00:50:46,297 --> 00:50:48,397
You made me watch
Encino Man 30 times.
1320
00:50:48,399 --> 00:50:51,033
"Wheeze a little juice!"
1321
00:50:51,035 --> 00:50:53,102
(LAUGHING) You still do the
worst Pauly Shore impression
1322
00:50:53,104 --> 00:50:54,937
in the history of mankind.
1323
00:50:54,939 --> 00:50:57,373
I can't believe you're
still doing "The Weasel"
1324
00:50:57,375 --> 00:50:59,007
and you haven't seen
any of the Marvel Universe.
1325
00:50:59,009 --> 00:51:01,946
Those movies are sick.
You're like frozen in time.
1326
00:51:02,546 --> 00:51:04,213
I am Encino Man.
1327
00:51:04,215 --> 00:51:05,214
(FRED SCOFFS)
1328
00:51:05,216 --> 00:51:08,050
All right, what is your
favorite book as a kid?
1329
00:51:08,052 --> 00:51:10,085
The Velveteen Rabbit. You?
1330
00:51:10,087 --> 00:51:11,420
Fear and Loathing
in Las Vegas.
1331
00:51:11,422 --> 00:51:13,589
- Oh, that explains a lot.
- (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
1332
00:51:13,591 --> 00:51:15,491
(GREETS IN VIETNAMESE)
1333
00:51:15,493 --> 00:51:17,992
I'm so sorry
for what we've done to you.
1334
00:51:17,994 --> 00:51:19,560
Best drug experience?
1335
00:51:19,562 --> 00:51:21,496
I could get summoned
at any moment
1336
00:51:21,498 --> 00:51:22,997
to deal with
an international crisis,
1337
00:51:22,999 --> 00:51:24,332
I can't do that on acid.
1338
00:51:24,334 --> 00:51:25,600
What about Molly?
1339
00:51:25,602 --> 00:51:26,734
Who's Molly?
1340
00:51:26,736 --> 00:51:28,336
(SIGHS)
1341
00:51:28,338 --> 00:51:30,037
REPORTER: Secretary of State
Charlotte Field
1342
00:51:30,039 --> 00:51:33,141
continues on her impressive
20-country world tour
1343
00:51:33,143 --> 00:51:34,542
to garner more support
1344
00:51:34,544 --> 00:51:36,277
for her ambitious
environmental initiative.
1345
00:51:36,279 --> 00:51:38,112
And all in a private jet,
no less.
1346
00:51:38,114 --> 00:51:39,614
You know what would
save the environment?
1347
00:51:39,616 --> 00:51:41,416
Charlotte Field
grounding her ass.
1348
00:51:41,418 --> 00:51:43,017
I know where I'd like
to ground her ass.
1349
00:51:43,019 --> 00:51:45,353
(LAUGHS) Oh, I walked
right into that one.
1350
00:51:45,355 --> 00:51:47,555
Must Have Been Love
by Roxette.
1351
00:51:47,557 --> 00:51:50,091
- Oh! That's just fucking hot.
- Right?
1352
00:51:50,093 --> 00:51:51,559
- I got a new one.
- (MUFFLED) What?
1353
00:51:51,561 --> 00:51:52,994
I got to change
my favorite song.
1354
00:51:52,996 --> 00:51:54,629
- You have too many.
- I've done it a few times.
1355
00:51:54,631 --> 00:51:57,666
Broccoli by DRAM,
featuring Lil Yachty.
1356
00:51:57,668 --> 00:51:59,233
All those words
1357
00:51:59,235 --> 00:52:01,135
- are the name of a song?
- Yeah.
1358
00:52:01,137 --> 00:52:02,136
CHARLOTTE: I don't
really think I have one.
1359
00:52:02,138 --> 00:52:04,405
FRED: You gotta have one.
Everyone has one.
1360
00:52:04,407 --> 00:52:06,374
Well, I don't embarrass
that easily.
1361
00:52:06,376 --> 00:52:08,276
Yeah, I hear that.
I don't either, really.
1362
00:52:08,278 --> 00:52:10,378
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't!
1363
00:52:10,380 --> 00:52:13,314
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Okay.
1364
00:52:13,316 --> 00:52:15,553
What's your favorite
sexual position?
1365
00:52:17,220 --> 00:52:19,387
I mean, you know, front.
1366
00:52:19,389 --> 00:52:21,088
- Normal. Front facing normal.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
1367
00:52:21,090 --> 00:52:22,658
- What kinda question is that?
- That's all it took.
1368
00:52:22,660 --> 00:52:23,625
Look at you.
1369
00:52:23,627 --> 00:52:25,727
Well, what's your favorite
sexual position?
1370
00:52:25,729 --> 00:52:27,763
- Don't be gross, Fred. Hi.
- Yeah, see?
1371
00:52:27,765 --> 00:52:29,966
What's your favorite
sexual position?
1372
00:52:30,668 --> 00:52:32,470
It's too complicated
to explain.
1373
00:52:33,637 --> 00:52:35,405
- Really?
- I told you mine.
1374
00:52:36,105 --> 00:52:38,105
Oh, God, okay. (SIGHS)
1375
00:52:38,107 --> 00:52:40,575
I just got back
from a trip to New Delhi.
1376
00:52:40,577 --> 00:52:42,543
- Yeah?
- I got called into a meeting
1377
00:52:42,545 --> 00:52:45,145
with the Joint Chiefs,
and I was a little nervous.
1378
00:52:45,147 --> 00:52:47,280
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1379
00:52:47,282 --> 00:52:51,318
And my stomach was a little
weird from all the curry.
1380
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:52,388
Oh, no.
1381
00:52:53,088 --> 00:52:54,056
Delhi belly.
1382
00:52:56,326 --> 00:53:00,293
Well, we were in a motorcade
and we couldn't stop.
1383
00:53:00,295 --> 00:53:01,631
- Oh, no.
- Mmm-hmm.
1384
00:53:02,432 --> 00:53:03,698
God...
1385
00:53:03,700 --> 00:53:07,702
I ruined a really nice
Dolce & Gabbana bag.
1386
00:53:07,704 --> 00:53:10,136
- You puked in it?
- Nope.
1387
00:53:10,138 --> 00:53:13,341
Oh, no!
In a moving vehicle?
1388
00:53:13,343 --> 00:53:16,176
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON TV)
1389
00:53:16,178 --> 00:53:18,412
Do you actually understand
what's happening right now?
1390
00:53:18,414 --> 00:53:20,815
Yes, I speak Russian.
1391
00:53:20,817 --> 00:53:23,284
FRED: The Russian
Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope.
1392
00:53:23,286 --> 00:53:25,655
Do svidanya,
motherfuckers!
1393
00:53:26,489 --> 00:53:28,525
- (GASPS)
- (GUNFIRE ON TV)
1394
00:53:30,159 --> 00:53:32,493
Oh, my God, they just
shot the pirate guy!
1395
00:53:32,495 --> 00:53:33,728
But he's keeping
the team together.
1396
00:53:33,730 --> 00:53:34,795
I know.
1397
00:53:34,797 --> 00:53:36,197
I don't think
I can handle that.
1398
00:53:36,199 --> 00:53:37,265
- Oh, it's okay.
- No,
1399
00:53:37,267 --> 00:53:39,400
I really liked him
in the movie.
1400
00:53:39,402 --> 00:53:40,668
Don't worry,
just keep watching.
1401
00:53:40,670 --> 00:53:43,404
FRED: You know,
the Philippines gets a bad rap.
1402
00:53:43,406 --> 00:53:45,239
Because it's pretty nice here.
1403
00:53:45,241 --> 00:53:47,642
You'd never know civil war
was about to break out.
1404
00:53:47,644 --> 00:53:49,110
This is good.
1405
00:53:49,112 --> 00:53:50,278
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
1406
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:55,316
Hey. What if we use
this line to start with?
1407
00:53:55,318 --> 00:53:56,584
Yeah, "I'm going to
start this speech
1408
00:53:56,586 --> 00:53:58,185
"by saying the same thing
I said to my boss
1409
00:53:58,187 --> 00:54:00,655
"at Blockbuster Video
when I was 16.
1410
00:54:00,657 --> 00:54:01,856
- "I quit."
- (LAUGHING)
1411
00:54:01,858 --> 00:54:04,291
- That's not bad.
- I love that.
1412
00:54:04,293 --> 00:54:06,259
This is really fucking good.
1413
00:54:06,261 --> 00:54:08,428
Look at you, you get me, Fred.
1414
00:54:08,430 --> 00:54:10,630
I totally get you.
1415
00:54:10,632 --> 00:54:12,465
♪ All I want for my birthday
1416
00:54:12,467 --> 00:54:14,301
♪ Is a big booty ho
1417
00:54:14,303 --> 00:54:15,769
♪ All I want
for my birthday... ♪
1418
00:54:15,771 --> 00:54:17,504
I couldn't be happier
that out of all the shit
1419
00:54:17,506 --> 00:54:19,306
I played you
from the last decade,
1420
00:54:19,308 --> 00:54:20,874
that what you've liked
the most is 2 Chainz.
1421
00:54:20,876 --> 00:54:23,276
- It's catchy.
- It's awesome.
1422
00:54:23,278 --> 00:54:24,413
(CHUCKLES)
1423
00:54:27,884 --> 00:54:30,752
So, are you, like, dating
the prime minister of Canada?
1424
00:54:33,255 --> 00:54:34,788
- No. No.
- No.
1425
00:54:34,790 --> 00:54:36,590
I feel like I read...
Did I read that
1426
00:54:36,592 --> 00:54:38,558
in some shitty tabloid
that you guys were dating?
1427
00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:41,394
- Maybe it's not true.
- No, I'm sure you did. It's...
1428
00:54:41,396 --> 00:54:44,230
They like to write about it,
but no. I...
1429
00:54:44,232 --> 00:54:47,233
We're not, we... We flirt.
1430
00:54:47,235 --> 00:54:48,635
- Yeah. Okay.
- Kind of.
1431
00:54:48,637 --> 00:54:51,340
It's weird.
We made out once.
1432
00:54:52,207 --> 00:54:53,275
Dope.
1433
00:54:53,609 --> 00:54:54,809
You asked.
1434
00:54:54,811 --> 00:54:56,877
No, hey! I've hooked up with
1435
00:54:56,879 --> 00:54:59,312
my fair share
of world leaders, too.
1436
00:54:59,314 --> 00:55:01,383
I 69'd Fidel Castro once.
1437
00:55:02,317 --> 00:55:03,585
You thought
his beard was big.
1438
00:55:04,319 --> 00:55:05,385
Um...
1439
00:55:05,387 --> 00:55:08,421
But how does that work
with you? Do you, like...
1440
00:55:08,423 --> 00:55:10,357
Do you, like, date?
1441
00:55:10,359 --> 00:55:14,162
Uh... Yeah. I date.
1442
00:55:14,864 --> 00:55:16,797
Generally, you know,
1443
00:55:16,799 --> 00:55:19,332
with people who have
similar lifestyles to me.
1444
00:55:19,334 --> 00:55:20,837
People who travel a lot.
1445
00:55:22,772 --> 00:55:26,440
It's hard to keep
those things alive. I...
1446
00:55:27,776 --> 00:55:30,209
I mean, who wants to
follow me around the world
1447
00:55:30,211 --> 00:55:32,547
and hope I have five minutes
to be affectionate?
1448
00:55:33,447 --> 00:55:34,814
- Yeah.
- And honestly,
1449
00:55:34,816 --> 00:55:36,583
guys don't really
want to date women
1450
00:55:36,585 --> 00:55:37,884
who are more powerful
than them.
1451
00:55:37,886 --> 00:55:39,487
They think they do, but...
1452
00:55:40,756 --> 00:55:42,589
It's a dick shriveller.
1453
00:55:42,591 --> 00:55:44,691
- Uff.
- Mmm-hmm.
1454
00:55:44,693 --> 00:55:46,926
Dick Shriveller is my favorite
Batman villain though.
1455
00:55:46,928 --> 00:55:48,630
- So...
- (CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
1456
00:55:50,331 --> 00:55:52,264
You gonna ask
why I'm still single?
1457
00:55:52,266 --> 00:55:54,768
- No, I get it.
- (LAUGHING)
1458
00:55:54,770 --> 00:55:56,872
- It makes sense.
- Yeah. It adds up.
1459
00:56:02,744 --> 00:56:04,611
- (WHOOSHING)
- (GASPS)
1460
00:56:04,613 --> 00:56:06,613
- (EXPLOSION)
- (FRED GRUNTING)
1461
00:56:06,615 --> 00:56:07,747
We're right in front
of the window.
1462
00:56:07,749 --> 00:56:09,749
- (GUNFIRE)
- (EXPLOSION)
1463
00:56:09,751 --> 00:56:11,351
What the fuck is happening?
1464
00:56:11,353 --> 00:56:12,986
Insurgents are fighting
the army.
1465
00:56:12,988 --> 00:56:14,888
- Are we in danger?
- Yes! Yes!
1466
00:56:14,890 --> 00:56:16,556
Madam Secretary,
we need to leave now!
1467
00:56:16,558 --> 00:56:17,891
- (GUNFIRE)
- FRED: Fuck!
1468
00:56:17,893 --> 00:56:19,260
AGENT: This way!
1469
00:56:20,629 --> 00:56:22,629
All right, guys, come with me.
1470
00:56:22,631 --> 00:56:24,231
- Come on.
- (ALL SCREAM)
1471
00:56:48,590 --> 00:56:49,722
Secretary Field, this way!
1472
00:56:49,724 --> 00:56:51,692
- I got her, secure them!
- (FRED GRUNTS)
1473
00:56:52,693 --> 00:56:53,761
This way.
1474
00:56:57,298 --> 00:56:58,466
You'll be safe in here.
1475
00:56:59,767 --> 00:57:01,800
Oh, fuck! Are you okay?
1476
00:57:01,802 --> 00:57:02,801
Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?
1477
00:57:02,803 --> 00:57:04,803
I'm okay. Yeah. (STAMMERS)
We're okay. Okay.
1478
00:57:04,805 --> 00:57:08,807
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Holy shit!
1479
00:57:08,809 --> 00:57:12,044
(EXCLAIMS) Oh,
we could have just died.
1480
00:57:12,046 --> 00:57:14,847
Oh, my God, I'm freaking out
a bit right now.
1481
00:57:14,849 --> 00:57:15,914
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm having a hard time
1482
00:57:15,916 --> 00:57:17,050
catching my breath
a little bit.
1483
00:57:17,052 --> 00:57:18,118
You don't seem like you're
freaking out very much.
1484
00:57:18,120 --> 00:57:21,453
I am! I'm employing
a Navy SEAL breathing technique,
1485
00:57:21,455 --> 00:57:22,721
for dealing with panicking.
1486
00:57:22,723 --> 00:57:24,957
It's just gonna take about
90 seconds to work.
1487
00:57:24,959 --> 00:57:27,926
90 seconds? I need more than
fucking 90 seconds!
1488
00:57:27,928 --> 00:57:29,661
I need 90 fucking years!
1489
00:57:29,663 --> 00:57:32,364
I'm fucked up for life
from this shit, yo!
1490
00:57:32,366 --> 00:57:35,101
I have so many regrets,
did so many terrible things!
1491
00:57:35,103 --> 00:57:38,537
When I was 12, I peed on a dog
to impress an older kid.
1492
00:57:38,539 --> 00:57:40,841
The dog didn't like it.
The older kid didn't either!
1493
00:57:41,709 --> 00:57:42,775
It was just pointless.
1494
00:57:42,777 --> 00:57:44,543
- (EXPLOSION)
- What the fuck?
1495
00:57:44,545 --> 00:57:46,614
Holy shit! Fuck!
1496
00:57:47,715 --> 00:57:49,916
Is there more? Is there
gonna be more?
1497
00:57:49,918 --> 00:57:51,117
- Fred.
- Is there more?
1498
00:57:51,119 --> 00:57:52,518
You're gonna
have to calm down.
1499
00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:53,752
I don't think I can.
1500
00:57:53,754 --> 00:57:55,554
Sit down with me.
1501
00:57:55,556 --> 00:57:56,688
And breathe.
1502
00:57:56,690 --> 00:57:59,058
- Four seconds in.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
1503
00:57:59,060 --> 00:58:00,126
Four seconds out.
1504
00:58:00,128 --> 00:58:01,961
Four seconds in.
1505
00:58:01,963 --> 00:58:03,629
(GASPING)
One, two, three, four...
1506
00:58:03,631 --> 00:58:06,498
- Four seconds out.
- One, two...
1507
00:58:06,500 --> 00:58:09,368
- Four seconds in.
- One, two, three, four...
1508
00:58:09,370 --> 00:58:10,870
You don't have to count
while you're doing this.
1509
00:58:10,872 --> 00:58:12,005
...four. It helps me.
1510
00:58:12,007 --> 00:58:15,706
- (WHEEZING) One, two, three, four...
- There you go.
1511
00:58:15,708 --> 00:58:18,043
One, two, three, four.
1512
00:58:18,045 --> 00:58:19,947
- One, two, three, four.
- (EXHALING DEEPLY)
1513
00:58:20,815 --> 00:58:22,615
One, two, three, four.
1514
00:58:23,818 --> 00:58:25,853
- You got it.
- (SIGHS) That actually works.
1515
00:58:26,887 --> 00:58:28,421
Those guys are good.
1516
00:58:30,124 --> 00:58:31,659
(EXHALING DEEPLY)
1517
00:58:32,993 --> 00:58:34,693
We did almost just die,
though.
1518
00:58:34,695 --> 00:58:35,761
We actually did almost die.
1519
00:58:35,763 --> 00:58:37,428
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
1520
00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:38,563
That actually
makes me feel better.
1521
00:58:38,565 --> 00:58:39,698
Means I didn't overreact.
1522
00:58:39,700 --> 00:58:42,435
Oh, God, no, you completely
overreacted. (LAUGHING)
1523
00:58:43,503 --> 00:58:44,672
Yeah, maybe.
1524
00:58:47,174 --> 00:58:48,976
I can think of worse ways
to go
1525
00:58:50,044 --> 00:58:51,712
than here with you. (CHUCKLES)
1526
00:58:53,047 --> 00:58:54,947
Honestly, this has been like,
1527
00:58:54,949 --> 00:58:57,751
the best few weeks
of my entire life.
1528
00:59:01,121 --> 00:59:02,453
You don't have to say it
back to me.
1529
00:59:02,455 --> 00:59:03,722
I know it's not true for you.
1530
00:59:03,724 --> 00:59:05,757
I saw you sing with
Bruce Springsteen last year,
1531
00:59:05,759 --> 00:59:07,125
at that benefit concert.
That was probably
1532
00:59:07,127 --> 00:59:08,594
a way better week.
1533
00:59:08,596 --> 00:59:11,429
Just as an example. (CHUCKLES)
1534
00:59:11,431 --> 00:59:13,866
Well, this is
a pretty close second.
1535
00:59:13,868 --> 00:59:15,968
Really? To The Boss?
1536
00:59:15,970 --> 00:59:17,035
Yeah.
1537
00:59:17,037 --> 00:59:19,372
Wow. That's nice.
1538
00:59:26,013 --> 00:59:27,381
Uh...
1539
00:59:33,053 --> 00:59:36,120
I feel like maybe you want me
to kiss you right now,
1540
00:59:36,122 --> 00:59:38,089
but I don't want to make
the same stupid mistake
1541
00:59:38,091 --> 00:59:39,523
I made 25 years ago.
1542
00:59:39,525 --> 00:59:41,394
Wouldn't be a stupid mistake.
1543
00:59:42,095 --> 00:59:43,696
Wait... Really?
1544
00:59:50,236 --> 00:59:51,836
We've secured the location.
1545
00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:54,707
But we need to move you.
The helicopter is standing by.
1546
00:59:55,808 --> 00:59:57,510
Thank you, Agent M.
1547
01:00:02,081 --> 01:00:03,481
FRED: Holy shit.
1548
01:00:03,483 --> 01:00:04,548
That helicopter was way louder
1549
01:00:04,550 --> 01:00:05,950
than I thought
it was gonna be.
1550
01:00:05,952 --> 01:00:07,921
- MAGGIE: Fred, enough. Enough.
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
1551
01:00:08,788 --> 01:00:09,887
We're safe here though?
1552
01:00:09,889 --> 01:00:11,555
- MAGGIE: Yes!
- TOM: Oh, my God, Fred!
1553
01:00:11,557 --> 01:00:12,623
AGENT: This way.
1554
01:00:12,625 --> 01:00:13,860
FRED: This place
looks really nice.
1555
01:00:17,797 --> 01:00:19,264
Fred, I need you
to come work
1556
01:00:19,266 --> 01:00:21,098
on that speech with me,
right now.
1557
01:00:21,100 --> 01:00:23,170
- Right now?
- Yeah. Right now.
1558
01:00:24,037 --> 01:00:25,139
Okay.
1559
01:00:29,243 --> 01:00:31,509
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
1560
01:00:31,511 --> 01:00:32,677
Hang on, get my pants off.
1561
01:00:32,679 --> 01:00:34,013
Okay, I gotta, too. Shit.
1562
01:00:35,515 --> 01:00:36,914
- CHARLOTTE: We're doing it?
- Yeah!
1563
01:00:36,916 --> 01:00:37,982
- CHARLOTTE: Do it faster.
- Let's do it.
1564
01:00:37,984 --> 01:00:38,985
They're coming off!
1565
01:00:40,954 --> 01:00:42,956
Fucking tapered pants. Shit!
1566
01:00:44,291 --> 01:00:45,491
Fuck!
1567
01:00:46,994 --> 01:00:48,659
CHARLOTTE: Okay, just leave
it! Just leave it! Leave it!
1568
01:00:48,661 --> 01:00:50,128
- FRED: Okay.
- Okay. Yeah.
1569
01:00:50,130 --> 01:00:51,196
Should I go in, then?
1570
01:00:51,198 --> 01:00:52,863
Yeah, enter.
1571
01:00:52,865 --> 01:00:56,134
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no!
1572
01:00:56,136 --> 01:00:58,270
- I'm gonna come really soon.
- Me too.
1573
01:00:58,272 --> 01:00:59,736
- Really?
- Yeah!
1574
01:00:59,738 --> 01:01:00,804
- Oh, God!
- Oh!
1575
01:01:00,806 --> 01:01:02,206
BOTH: Oh, boy!
1576
01:01:02,208 --> 01:01:05,042
(BOTH MOANING LOUDLY)
1577
01:01:05,044 --> 01:01:07,979
- Oh, God! Okay.
- Oh, my God!
1578
01:01:07,981 --> 01:01:09,880
- I'm coming out.
- Okay, come on.
1579
01:01:09,882 --> 01:01:15,685
Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!
1580
01:01:15,687 --> 01:01:18,925
Wow. Oh, my God,
I'm sorry.
1581
01:01:19,826 --> 01:01:21,025
I don't know
what happened.
1582
01:01:21,027 --> 01:01:23,227
I usually last
way longer than that.
1583
01:01:23,229 --> 01:01:24,629
- You know?
- Not me.
1584
01:01:25,664 --> 01:01:26,596
That was weird.
1585
01:01:26,598 --> 01:01:27,798
We both said, "Oh, boy"
when we came...
1586
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:29,767
- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- ...at the same time.
1587
01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:31,302
- That's never happened before.
- I've never said that.
1588
01:01:31,304 --> 01:01:34,571
- Yeah.
- Super strange.
1589
01:01:34,573 --> 01:01:36,273
- Oh!
- Should we do that again?
1590
01:01:36,275 --> 01:01:37,942
Yeah, my hands are shaking,
I need a minute.
1591
01:01:37,944 --> 01:01:39,578
(EXHALES)
1592
01:01:42,647 --> 01:01:44,281
Hmm.
1593
01:01:44,283 --> 01:01:47,218
- Who's this little guy?
- (LAUGHING)
1594
01:01:47,220 --> 01:01:49,120
I was a writing an article
about neo-Nazis
1595
01:01:49,122 --> 01:01:50,855
and I had to get a bottom half
1596
01:01:50,857 --> 01:01:52,289
of a swastika
tattooed on me...
1597
01:01:52,291 --> 01:01:54,125
- Oh, my God.
- ...so they wouldn't kill me
1598
01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:56,127
and I didn't want that,
1599
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:59,263
so I added little shoes and
I made him a little stick man
1600
01:01:59,265 --> 01:02:02,733
and I named him
Adolf Stickler.
1601
01:02:02,735 --> 01:02:04,802
You'd never know
he had little swastika legs.
1602
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,270
- No.
- He's so happy about it.
1603
01:02:06,272 --> 01:02:07,338
I know, they just
look like pants.
1604
01:02:07,340 --> 01:02:09,974
You'd never know he was born
in the fires of hatred.
1605
01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:11,644
(LAUGHING)
1606
01:02:13,379 --> 01:02:15,181
Man, I am hungry.
1607
01:02:17,817 --> 01:02:19,316
What time is it?
1608
01:02:19,318 --> 01:02:21,988
I couldn't tell you
what fucking day it is.
1609
01:02:23,121 --> 01:02:26,089
And where...
Where are we right now?
1610
01:02:26,091 --> 01:02:27,390
I don't have a clue.
1611
01:02:27,392 --> 01:02:28,658
You don't know?
1612
01:02:28,660 --> 01:02:29,859
No. They just
dropped us here.
1613
01:02:29,861 --> 01:02:32,130
They just took us here
on the helicopter.
1614
01:02:54,219 --> 01:02:55,285
AGENT M: Good morning,
Mr. Flarsky.
1615
01:02:55,287 --> 01:02:56,655
Jesus!
1616
01:02:58,723 --> 01:03:00,058
You scared me, man.
1617
01:03:05,797 --> 01:03:08,399
Could you maybe not tell
anybody about this?
1618
01:03:08,401 --> 01:03:10,202
They wouldn't
believe me anyway.
1619
01:03:11,837 --> 01:03:12,904
Fair enough.
1620
01:03:13,972 --> 01:03:15,308
Good luck, man.
1621
01:03:17,276 --> 01:03:18,344
Thank you.
1622
01:03:27,353 --> 01:03:29,752
(ON RADIO)
These helicopters are scary.
1623
01:03:29,754 --> 01:03:32,891
It's gonna be fine, Fred.
Just breathe.
1624
01:03:34,759 --> 01:03:35,892
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
1625
01:03:35,894 --> 01:03:38,362
FRED: One, two, three, four.
1626
01:03:38,364 --> 01:03:40,366
One, two, three, four.
1627
01:03:52,477 --> 01:03:54,377
I feel so happy right now!
1628
01:03:54,379 --> 01:03:56,112
Like,
I'm beginning to realize,
1629
01:03:56,114 --> 01:03:57,846
I may have never been happy.
1630
01:03:57,848 --> 01:04:00,350
This might be the first time
I ever felt happy.
1631
01:04:00,352 --> 01:04:01,817
And it feels good.
1632
01:04:01,819 --> 01:04:04,820
This is like, the best shit
that's ever happened.
1633
01:04:04,822 --> 01:04:06,755
There's like this crazy big
banquet thing tonight,
1634
01:04:06,757 --> 01:04:08,358
and she gave me
like a tuxedo to wear.
1635
01:04:08,360 --> 01:04:09,425
And it's not like a date,
1636
01:04:09,427 --> 01:04:11,027
but it kinda
feels like a date.
1637
01:04:11,029 --> 01:04:13,729
How do I not fuck this up?
Seems impossible.
1638
01:04:13,731 --> 01:04:15,965
Dude, you just need to give
yourself affirmation, man.
1639
01:04:15,967 --> 01:04:17,766
You need to... (STAMMERS)
1640
01:04:17,768 --> 01:04:19,837
You need to say that
you're worthy of love, man.
1641
01:04:20,804 --> 01:04:22,105
I am worthy of love.
1642
01:04:22,107 --> 01:04:23,772
All right, now you gotta
say it 10,000
1643
01:04:23,774 --> 01:04:25,275
more times,
until you believe it.
1644
01:04:25,277 --> 01:04:26,742
Okay, look, I gotta go.
1645
01:04:26,744 --> 01:04:29,078
I have no fucking clue
how to tie a bow tie.
1646
01:04:29,080 --> 01:04:30,746
All right, man. Hey!
1647
01:04:30,748 --> 01:04:31,749
Be bold!
1648
01:04:38,957 --> 01:04:40,125
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
1649
01:04:48,166 --> 01:04:49,499
Hi.
1650
01:04:49,501 --> 01:04:52,168
You look really pretty.
(CHUCKLES)
1651
01:04:52,170 --> 01:04:53,405
Thank you.
1652
01:04:54,306 --> 01:04:57,373
You look really pretty, too.
1653
01:04:57,375 --> 01:04:58,441
Thank you.
1654
01:04:58,443 --> 01:04:59,876
Thanks for the suit.
1655
01:04:59,878 --> 01:05:01,010
We should probably head in.
1656
01:05:01,012 --> 01:05:02,113
- Shall we?
- FRED: Yeah.
1657
01:05:05,550 --> 01:05:08,318
Wow. This is awesome.
1658
01:05:08,320 --> 01:05:09,985
It's cool being
in Argentina.
1659
01:05:09,987 --> 01:05:11,386
I think the guys
who killed my grandparents
1660
01:05:11,388 --> 01:05:13,190
are hiding here somewhere.
(CHUCKLES)
1661
01:05:13,924 --> 01:05:15,025
Shit, they got a band.
1662
01:05:17,027 --> 01:05:20,462
Do you wanna, uh, dance maybe?
Or grab a drink?
1663
01:05:20,464 --> 01:05:21,997
So there are representatives
1664
01:05:21,999 --> 01:05:23,865
from over 75 countries
here tonight.
1665
01:05:23,867 --> 01:05:25,400
She has three hours
to get out there,
1666
01:05:25,402 --> 01:05:26,435
- shake her money maker...
- Yeah.
1667
01:05:26,437 --> 01:05:28,170
...and get as many
commitments as possible.
1668
01:05:28,172 --> 01:05:29,838
- This is a work event.
- Of course, yeah. I get it.
1669
01:05:29,840 --> 01:05:33,108
We could, uh, maybe at the end
of the night, have a drink.
1670
01:05:33,110 --> 01:05:35,244
Yeah, if you have time.
Cool.
1671
01:05:35,246 --> 01:05:37,312
- We'll see.
- Yeah.
1672
01:05:37,314 --> 01:05:39,116
All right. Okay.
1673
01:05:43,120 --> 01:05:44,455
I know what's going on.
1674
01:05:47,825 --> 01:05:50,259
- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean.
1675
01:05:50,261 --> 01:05:51,326
There's nothing going on.
1676
01:05:51,328 --> 01:05:53,496
Don't fucking bullshit me,
Fred.
1677
01:05:53,498 --> 01:05:56,198
'Cause my EQ is through
the goddamn roof.
1678
01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:59,268
And I understand and intuit
the nuances of social dynamics
1679
01:05:59,270 --> 01:06:00,235
like you wouldn't believe.
1680
01:06:00,237 --> 01:06:03,171
The two of you are having sex
with each other.
1681
01:06:03,173 --> 01:06:05,007
There's no way you could
discern something like that.
1682
01:06:05,009 --> 01:06:06,243
Charlotte told me.
1683
01:06:07,011 --> 01:06:07,943
Really?
1684
01:06:07,945 --> 01:06:10,012
No, but you just did,
you fucking idiot.
1685
01:06:10,014 --> 01:06:13,015
Fuck! Shit!
That was fucking very clever.
1686
01:06:13,017 --> 01:06:14,182
Jesus, well,
you know what, yes.
1687
01:06:14,184 --> 01:06:16,218
Okay. We're sexing
one another down.
1688
01:06:16,220 --> 01:06:17,119
- So?
- Ew.
1689
01:06:17,121 --> 01:06:18,488
Honestly, it's probably
weirder to me
1690
01:06:18,490 --> 01:06:19,622
- than it is to you.
- Look,
1691
01:06:19,624 --> 01:06:20,789
I can't believe
I have to say this,
1692
01:06:20,791 --> 01:06:24,028
but just so you know, there's
no way the two of you work.
1693
01:06:25,229 --> 01:06:26,962
Why would you say that?
You don't know that.
1694
01:06:26,964 --> 01:06:29,031
The public will never accept
the two of you together,
1695
01:06:29,033 --> 01:06:30,400
so neither will she.
1696
01:06:30,402 --> 01:06:32,000
Honestly, Fred,
it doesn't matter
1697
01:06:32,002 --> 01:06:32,967
if you get it or you don't,
1698
01:06:32,969 --> 01:06:34,636
'cause the truth is,
she is going to realize it
1699
01:06:34,638 --> 01:06:35,903
for the both of you,
1700
01:06:35,905 --> 01:06:38,005
then you'll have
your heart broken.
1701
01:06:38,007 --> 01:06:39,341
And that could be
kinda fun to watch.
1702
01:06:39,343 --> 01:06:41,044
Ambassador Plenipotentiary...
1703
01:06:58,195 --> 01:06:59,430
PARKER: Madam Secretary!
1704
01:07:00,531 --> 01:07:02,063
Excuse me.
1705
01:07:02,065 --> 01:07:03,198
- Ah!
- Parker.
1706
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:05,267
- Nope. Nope. Uh...
- (KISSING)
1707
01:07:05,269 --> 01:07:07,135
(PARKER LAUGHING)
1708
01:07:07,137 --> 01:07:10,505
You know, we still have not
found time to sit down.
1709
01:07:10,507 --> 01:07:11,673
You know,
it's not gonna happen.
1710
01:07:11,675 --> 01:07:13,308
I'm not gonna find time.
1711
01:07:13,310 --> 01:07:15,910
I will get my way on this.
1712
01:07:15,912 --> 01:07:17,245
I don't even know
what you mean by "this,"
1713
01:07:17,247 --> 01:07:19,681
but please have at it.
It's all yours.
1714
01:07:19,683 --> 01:07:21,116
- May I have a word?
- Can you excuse me?
1715
01:07:21,118 --> 01:07:22,351
We're in the middle
of a conversation here.
1716
01:07:22,353 --> 01:07:25,020
- Of course. Yes.
- Oh, my God. You are a...
1717
01:07:25,022 --> 01:07:27,522
You look
absolutely wonderful.
1718
01:07:27,524 --> 01:07:29,424
- CHARLOTTE: Oh.
- (JAMES SPEAKS FRENCH)
1719
01:07:29,426 --> 01:07:30,659
(CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES)
1720
01:07:30,661 --> 01:07:32,160
(IN ENGLISH) I have to say,
I have been
1721
01:07:32,162 --> 01:07:34,396
so impressed
by your initiative.
1722
01:07:34,398 --> 01:07:36,164
Does this mean
I can add Canada
1723
01:07:36,166 --> 01:07:38,166
to the list of countries
taking part?
1724
01:07:38,168 --> 01:07:40,335
(CLICKS TONGUE)
On one condition.
1725
01:07:40,337 --> 01:07:41,236
Let me guess.
1726
01:07:41,238 --> 01:07:43,972
You want fewer restrictions
on lumber.
1727
01:07:43,974 --> 01:07:45,309
I don't care about lumber.
1728
01:07:46,610 --> 01:07:48,145
I just want to dance.
1729
01:07:49,413 --> 01:07:50,581
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
1730
01:07:51,582 --> 01:07:52,647
Sure.
1731
01:07:52,649 --> 01:07:54,716
(SLOW TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
1732
01:07:54,718 --> 01:07:56,586
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
1733
01:08:16,305 --> 01:08:17,373
Whoa! (CHUCKLES)
1734
01:08:18,574 --> 01:08:20,076
Wow.
1735
01:08:21,444 --> 01:08:22,676
You know
when you see something,
1736
01:08:22,678 --> 01:08:26,013
and it just looks right.
1737
01:08:26,015 --> 01:08:28,082
Like a Kangol hat
on Samuel L. Jackson.
1738
01:08:28,084 --> 01:08:29,085
MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm.
1739
01:08:30,453 --> 01:08:32,355
(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)
1740
01:08:38,729 --> 01:08:40,430
(WHISPERING)
I'm worthy of love.
1741
01:08:42,131 --> 01:08:43,466
I'm worthy of love.
1742
01:08:46,102 --> 01:08:47,403
What the fuck
are you saying?
1743
01:08:48,304 --> 01:08:49,305
Nothing.
1744
01:08:57,614 --> 01:08:59,616
(MUSIC STOPS)
1745
01:09:08,224 --> 01:09:09,560
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
1746
01:09:15,064 --> 01:09:16,399
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1747
01:09:22,505 --> 01:09:23,506
Bonjour, ma'am.
1748
01:09:43,326 --> 01:09:44,660
(LAUGHING)
1749
01:09:56,539 --> 01:09:57,540
Excuse me.
1750
01:09:59,609 --> 01:10:01,142
Agent E, look alive.
1751
01:10:16,726 --> 01:10:18,093
- Hi.
- Hey.
1752
01:10:18,861 --> 01:10:20,496
I hear you have
a crush on me.
1753
01:10:21,864 --> 01:10:23,232
I do. (CHUCKLES)
1754
01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:26,602
Kinda have
a crush on you, too.
1755
01:10:28,304 --> 01:10:29,472
Well, that's cool.
1756
01:10:32,742 --> 01:10:34,842
Hey, I know I asked earlier.
1757
01:10:34,844 --> 01:10:36,410
But, uh...
1758
01:10:36,412 --> 01:10:38,414
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1759
01:10:40,116 --> 01:10:41,450
Do you want to dance with me?
1760
01:10:44,286 --> 01:10:45,287
It's a dope song.
1761
01:10:46,454 --> 01:10:47,687
Really fucking good song.
1762
01:10:47,689 --> 01:10:48,821
Maybe the best song
ever written.
1763
01:10:48,823 --> 01:10:49,824
Yeah.
1764
01:10:58,333 --> 01:11:01,202
(SINGING ALONG)
1765
01:11:07,242 --> 01:11:09,411
(BOTH SINGING ALONG)
1766
01:11:41,944 --> 01:11:43,478
(SONG CONTINUES)
1767
01:12:24,786 --> 01:12:25,854
(GASPS)
1768
01:12:37,966 --> 01:12:39,599
I want you to
fuck me from behind
1769
01:12:39,601 --> 01:12:40,769
and slap my ass really hard.
1770
01:12:43,438 --> 01:12:44,637
What?
1771
01:12:44,639 --> 01:12:45,972
What?
1772
01:12:45,974 --> 01:12:48,240
Nothing. What,
did I say "what"?
1773
01:12:48,242 --> 01:12:49,542
Am I being too bossy?
1774
01:12:49,544 --> 01:12:52,310
No. No. No. No. Not at all.
No. No.
1775
01:12:52,312 --> 01:12:53,846
I am. I am.
I'm your boss all day,
1776
01:12:53,848 --> 01:12:54,714
and now I'm bossing you
in bed.
1777
01:12:54,716 --> 01:12:56,248
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
1778
01:12:56,250 --> 01:12:57,450
No. Not at all.
1779
01:12:57,452 --> 01:12:59,318
My brain, honestly, just went
into shock a little bit...
1780
01:12:59,320 --> 01:13:00,453
Yeah, but you hesitated.
1781
01:13:00,455 --> 01:13:03,489
No, it's just not how
I imagined you liking things.
1782
01:13:03,491 --> 01:13:06,592
You know what? We'll do exactly
what you were imagining.
1783
01:13:06,594 --> 01:13:08,594
And then you turn me around
and slap me on my ass
1784
01:13:08,596 --> 01:13:09,831
and then choke me
a little bit.
1785
01:13:10,598 --> 01:13:11,599
Oh, my God.
1786
01:13:16,271 --> 01:13:17,439
(EXHALES)
1787
01:13:19,340 --> 01:13:20,408
Whoa.
1788
01:13:30,417 --> 01:13:31,418
Frederick.
1789
01:13:32,019 --> 01:13:33,253
Margaret.
1790
01:13:38,025 --> 01:13:39,825
Hey, you forgot this...
Oh, fuck!
1791
01:13:39,827 --> 01:13:41,593
- Gross!
- Um...
1792
01:13:41,595 --> 01:13:42,928
I thought you guys
hated each other.
1793
01:13:42,930 --> 01:13:45,030
- We do hate each other.
- We do. Big time.
1794
01:13:45,032 --> 01:13:46,965
- We are also fucking.
- Ugh.
1795
01:13:46,967 --> 01:13:48,067
How long
have you been fucking?
1796
01:13:48,069 --> 01:13:49,401
That was probably 20 minutes.
1797
01:13:49,403 --> 01:13:50,469
Not right now!
1798
01:13:50,471 --> 01:13:52,671
- Oh.
- A lot of questions. Um, I...
1799
01:13:52,673 --> 01:13:53,839
I would say
anywhere between
1800
01:13:53,841 --> 01:13:55,707
two and five...
Three and a half times.
1801
01:13:55,709 --> 01:13:57,542
I would say on my end, five.
1802
01:13:57,544 --> 01:13:59,011
Three and a half sounds right.
1803
01:13:59,013 --> 01:14:01,379
I don't know how you're tallying that shit.
That's sick.
1804
01:14:01,381 --> 01:14:03,815
Okay, first of all,
there's a woman present.
1805
01:14:03,817 --> 01:14:05,450
There's a woman
in there, too?
1806
01:14:05,452 --> 01:14:07,352
- Excuse me.
- Easy.
1807
01:14:07,354 --> 01:14:08,553
- And I got it.
- Sorry.
1808
01:14:08,555 --> 01:14:09,921
- Again.
- Sorry, I'm...
1809
01:14:09,923 --> 01:14:11,790
A woman is present
and that woman is me.
1810
01:14:11,792 --> 01:14:13,391
- You?
- TOM: We're talking about her.
1811
01:14:13,393 --> 01:14:15,327
Trust me, I know, Fred.
1812
01:14:15,329 --> 01:14:16,394
Tom, I got this.
1813
01:14:16,396 --> 01:14:17,829
- Ugh!
- I'm gonna say goodnight.
1814
01:14:17,831 --> 01:14:19,031
You tuck that in.
Goodnight to you.
1815
01:14:19,033 --> 01:14:19,898
And I will take my leave.
1816
01:14:19,900 --> 01:14:22,935
No. No way.
I'm not touching that shit.
1817
01:14:22,937 --> 01:14:25,403
- It's not the worst instinct.
- Guys, just...
1818
01:14:25,405 --> 01:14:26,471
Those hands
have been places.
1819
01:14:26,473 --> 01:14:27,974
MAGGIE: Goodnight.
1820
01:14:27,976 --> 01:14:30,475
With France's commitment,
U.S. Secretary of State
1821
01:14:30,477 --> 01:14:33,846
Charlotte Field's noble
Rehabilitation Initiative
1822
01:14:33,848 --> 01:14:35,882
has secured the support
of 100 countries.
1823
01:14:35,884 --> 01:14:37,984
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- (GASPS)
1824
01:14:37,986 --> 01:14:39,252
The president
wants to talk to you.
1825
01:14:39,254 --> 01:14:42,387
We've set up the tent in the next
room, Madam Secretary.
1826
01:14:42,389 --> 01:14:43,657
Tell him hi.
1827
01:14:48,096 --> 01:14:50,729
Mr. President. Bonjour.
1828
01:14:50,731 --> 01:14:51,998
CHAMBERS: (ON VIDEO)
Charlie, bonjour.
1829
01:14:52,000 --> 01:14:55,566
Hey, what's this I hear about
an environmental treaty thing?
1830
01:14:55,568 --> 01:14:57,368
Oh, it's the Global
1831
01:14:57,370 --> 01:14:59,470
Rehabilitation Initiative,
sir.
1832
01:14:59,472 --> 01:15:01,973
It's been on your desk for the
last three weeks. (CHUCKLES)
1833
01:15:01,975 --> 01:15:04,075
Yeah, well,
we ran it up the flagpole
1834
01:15:04,077 --> 01:15:06,510
and it's ruffling
some feathers.
1835
01:15:06,512 --> 01:15:08,646
Sir, you are the flagpole.
1836
01:15:08,648 --> 01:15:12,083
There are actually quite a few
flagpoles in this joint.
1837
01:15:12,085 --> 01:15:13,852
We need you to revise it.
1838
01:15:13,854 --> 01:15:14,855
Sir?
1839
01:15:15,756 --> 01:15:17,858
We need you to kill the trees.
1840
01:15:21,862 --> 01:15:23,094
Why would he do that?
1841
01:15:23,096 --> 01:15:26,131
Because he's funded by a
bunch of fucking rich assholes
1842
01:15:26,133 --> 01:15:27,766
and I probably pissed
one of them off.
1843
01:15:27,768 --> 01:15:29,466
Can I just say
the optics of this
1844
01:15:29,468 --> 01:15:31,169
are actually
not that different?
1845
01:15:31,171 --> 01:15:32,971
The initiative still has
the same name.
1846
01:15:32,973 --> 01:15:34,739
It sounds
very impressive,
1847
01:15:34,741 --> 01:15:36,875
which is ultimately
all that matters.
1848
01:15:36,877 --> 01:15:39,578
I actually cared about this.
1849
01:15:39,580 --> 01:15:41,146
Now what am I
fucking left with? Bees?
1850
01:15:41,148 --> 01:15:42,479
I don't even like bees.
1851
01:15:42,481 --> 01:15:43,748
Do you have to
listen to him?
1852
01:15:43,750 --> 01:15:46,918
Yes. I have to listen to him.
1853
01:15:46,920 --> 01:15:49,754
Because unless he endorses me,
I won't win.
1854
01:15:49,756 --> 01:15:52,691
And this whole fucking show
would have been for nothing.
1855
01:15:52,693 --> 01:15:54,759
Well, maybe you don't need
his endorsement to win.
1856
01:15:54,761 --> 01:15:56,127
You know?
People are digging your shit.
1857
01:15:56,129 --> 01:15:57,796
And your numbers are good.
1858
01:15:57,798 --> 01:15:59,998
You know what, Fred?
She needs a little alone time.
1859
01:16:00,000 --> 01:16:01,533
Right, she probably just needs
a friend right now.
1860
01:16:01,535 --> 01:16:02,601
MAGGIE: Time to go, buddy.
1861
01:16:02,603 --> 01:16:04,469
CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God.
1862
01:16:04,471 --> 01:16:07,708
Maggie, just give me a second
alone with Fred, please.
1863
01:16:13,847 --> 01:16:14,848
(DOOR OPENS)
1864
01:16:16,916 --> 01:16:17,917
(DOOR CLOSES)
1865
01:16:20,920 --> 01:16:22,553
(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
1866
01:16:22,555 --> 01:16:24,955
I don't wanna
do this job anymore.
1867
01:16:24,957 --> 01:16:26,025
I fuckin' hate it.
1868
01:16:26,926 --> 01:16:29,093
I mean, what's the point?
1869
01:16:29,095 --> 01:16:32,398
Every time I do something,
it just gets undone.
1870
01:16:32,965 --> 01:16:34,198
I'm sorry.
1871
01:16:34,200 --> 01:16:36,000
I just wanna be
a normal person
1872
01:16:36,002 --> 01:16:37,768
and not give a fuck
about anything
1873
01:16:37,770 --> 01:16:39,803
just like
the rest of the world.
1874
01:16:39,805 --> 01:16:41,872
Yeah, most people don't
give a shit about anything.
1875
01:16:41,874 --> 01:16:43,576
I bet it's really nice.
1876
01:16:44,744 --> 01:16:46,577
That's what I want.
1877
01:16:46,579 --> 01:16:48,681
I don't know
how to give that to you.
1878
01:16:52,118 --> 01:16:53,686
Let's get fucked up.
1879
01:16:54,086 --> 01:16:55,153
Fucked up?
1880
01:16:55,155 --> 01:16:57,621
- Yeah.
- Like a few beers fucked up
1881
01:16:57,623 --> 01:16:59,890
or more than that fucked up?
1882
01:16:59,892 --> 01:17:01,861
Like super fucked up.
1883
01:17:07,700 --> 01:17:10,168
I want to smoke
a Molly with you.
1884
01:17:10,170 --> 01:17:11,602
(SNORTS)
1885
01:17:11,604 --> 01:17:12,772
What?
1886
01:17:13,539 --> 01:17:15,273
That's not, um...
1887
01:17:15,275 --> 01:17:16,941
That's not
how you take it, but...
1888
01:17:16,943 --> 01:17:17,841
How do you take it?
1889
01:17:17,843 --> 01:17:19,710
It's a pill.
You take it in your mouth.
1890
01:17:19,712 --> 01:17:21,246
But I don't know
if you wanna do it.
1891
01:17:21,248 --> 01:17:22,579
Why not?
1892
01:17:22,581 --> 01:17:24,515
I just don't know
if it's a good idea.
1893
01:17:24,517 --> 01:17:27,887
As your boss, I'm ordering you
to get me a Molly.
1894
01:17:28,821 --> 01:17:29,990
Oh, man.
1895
01:18:00,019 --> 01:18:01,185
You good?
1896
01:18:01,187 --> 01:18:03,153
(ECHOING)
I don't feel anything.
1897
01:18:03,155 --> 01:18:05,155
You don't feel it?
1898
01:18:05,157 --> 01:18:06,957
No, I don't feel
a fucking thing.
1899
01:18:06,959 --> 01:18:09,762
Ooh! Wow.
1900
01:18:10,229 --> 01:18:12,763
...Was right.
1901
01:18:12,765 --> 01:18:16,666
Holy fuck...
1902
01:18:16,668 --> 01:18:18,002
(GRUNTING) No!
1903
01:18:18,004 --> 01:18:20,337
My jaw feels
really weird.
1904
01:18:20,339 --> 01:18:21,671
Yeah, that's the drugs.
1905
01:18:21,673 --> 01:18:23,273
Drugs love a jaw.
1906
01:18:23,275 --> 01:18:25,709
- I want more.
- No, no, no, no.
1907
01:18:25,711 --> 01:18:27,111
Maybe in like an hour.
1908
01:18:27,113 --> 01:18:28,814
We should do it now.
1909
01:18:32,752 --> 01:18:34,619
(FIREWORKS BURSTING)
1910
01:18:52,104 --> 01:18:53,973
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
1911
01:18:57,676 --> 01:18:59,877
Yes, motherfuckers!
1912
01:18:59,879 --> 01:19:01,812
I could do this forever!
1913
01:19:01,814 --> 01:19:03,212
We're gonna.
1914
01:19:03,214 --> 01:19:05,715
I know I've been like...
1915
01:19:05,717 --> 01:19:07,950
I've been, like, playing it
pretty cool.
1916
01:19:07,952 --> 01:19:09,952
Like I've probably been
a little hard to read,
1917
01:19:09,954 --> 01:19:11,621
and I've been acting
kinda, like, aloof,
1918
01:19:11,623 --> 01:19:13,289
maybe like I don't
care that much.
1919
01:19:13,291 --> 01:19:16,726
But I don't wanna do that
anymore. I really like you.
1920
01:19:16,728 --> 01:19:19,028
You haven't been
playing it cool at all.
1921
01:19:19,030 --> 01:19:21,697
You just followed me
into the bathroom.
1922
01:19:21,699 --> 01:19:22,932
Yeah, to talk.
1923
01:19:22,934 --> 01:19:25,068
- I really like you, too!
- Really?
1924
01:19:25,070 --> 01:19:26,702
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1925
01:19:26,704 --> 01:19:28,671
(BOTH YELLING)
1926
01:19:28,673 --> 01:19:31,340
- Madam Secretary!
- Yeah! Whoa!
1927
01:19:31,342 --> 01:19:33,176
Madam Secretary!
Listen to me!
1928
01:19:33,178 --> 01:19:35,311
Dance with me,
Steven! Dance!
1929
01:19:35,313 --> 01:19:36,413
We have a situation.
1930
01:19:36,415 --> 01:19:37,782
- Huh?
- (SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)
1931
01:19:46,124 --> 01:19:47,990
- (STAMMERS)
- FRED: Yo.
1932
01:19:47,992 --> 01:19:51,027
How much longer is this
Molly stuff gonna last?
1933
01:19:51,029 --> 01:19:52,795
We just re-upped.
1934
01:19:52,797 --> 01:19:54,997
You kept saying you wanted
to take more, so we did.
1935
01:19:54,999 --> 01:19:58,069
So we have another
maybe four or five hours.
1936
01:19:59,238 --> 01:20:01,371
Yeah. Why?
1937
01:20:01,373 --> 01:20:03,207
I'm in so much trouble.
1938
01:20:03,209 --> 01:20:04,274
FRED: What's happening?
1939
01:20:04,276 --> 01:20:05,875
I'm gonna be
in so much trouble.
1940
01:20:05,877 --> 01:20:08,079
What's happening?
Are they outta water?
1941
01:20:08,947 --> 01:20:10,113
One of our U2s went down
1942
01:20:10,115 --> 01:20:13,015
while performing a standard
fly-over in Kashtari airspace.
1943
01:20:13,017 --> 01:20:14,117
The pilot was able to eject,
1944
01:20:14,119 --> 01:20:17,121
but it appears he was taken
by the Kashtari military.
1945
01:20:17,123 --> 01:20:18,821
Thank you, General.
1946
01:20:18,823 --> 01:20:20,324
Prime Minister Bharath
is refusing
1947
01:20:20,326 --> 01:20:22,825
to return the pilot
to United States custody.
1948
01:20:22,827 --> 01:20:24,794
He's personally hurt
by the many insults
1949
01:20:24,796 --> 01:20:26,295
hurled at him by POTUS.
1950
01:20:26,297 --> 01:20:28,197
Good job. All right.
1951
01:20:28,199 --> 01:20:29,733
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
1952
01:20:30,968 --> 01:20:32,270
It's gonna be okay
in there, right?
1953
01:20:33,238 --> 01:20:34,671
That's up to you, ma'am.
1954
01:20:35,906 --> 01:20:38,309
(EXHALES) Oh, God.
You got this.
1955
01:20:51,456 --> 01:20:53,324
(CLEARING THROAT)
1956
01:20:54,259 --> 01:20:55,391
(CLEARS THROAT)
1957
01:20:55,393 --> 01:20:57,927
I can hold onto your sunglasses for
you, if you'd like.
1958
01:20:57,929 --> 01:21:02,967
Oh, no. I have alopecia.
In both eyes.
1959
01:21:04,068 --> 01:21:06,070
(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY)
1960
01:21:07,105 --> 01:21:08,173
(PHONE BEEPS)
1961
01:21:09,340 --> 01:21:10,805
Hello.
1962
01:21:10,807 --> 01:21:11,773
BHARATH: (LOUDLY ON PHONE)
Secretary Field!
1963
01:21:11,775 --> 01:21:12,875
CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God!
1964
01:21:12,877 --> 01:21:15,744
Hello, Bharath? Hey.
1965
01:21:15,746 --> 01:21:19,115
I hear we have
a situation here?
1966
01:21:19,117 --> 01:21:22,220
One that we both
probably want resolved.
1967
01:21:24,055 --> 01:21:26,489
Very quickly...
1968
01:21:26,491 --> 01:21:29,091
You're not going to bully me
this time, Madam Secretary.
1969
01:21:29,093 --> 01:21:30,793
Your man will stay here
1970
01:21:30,795 --> 01:21:33,763
until your president
personally apologizes to me.
1971
01:21:33,765 --> 01:21:34,766
Over Instagram.
1972
01:21:35,967 --> 01:21:38,937
- He won't do that.
- Yeah, no. Yes...
1973
01:21:40,038 --> 01:21:42,238
- (WHISPERS) Yo.
- Yes?
1974
01:21:42,240 --> 01:21:43,806
Can I level with you?
1975
01:21:43,808 --> 01:21:45,341
Can I fill you in
on something?
1976
01:21:45,343 --> 01:21:46,375
Go ahead.
1977
01:21:46,377 --> 01:21:48,044
Me and Charlotte,
we're fucked up right now.
1978
01:21:48,046 --> 01:21:48,977
We're on drugs.
1979
01:21:48,979 --> 01:21:50,512
First of all, I don't
wanna talk about that.
1980
01:21:50,514 --> 01:21:52,214
Why? We can't talk
about the drugs.
1981
01:21:52,216 --> 01:21:53,548
Do you know
we're on drugs?
1982
01:21:53,550 --> 01:21:56,086
I don't wanna talk
about that in this room.
1983
01:21:57,287 --> 01:21:58,455
- What's happening?
- (MOUTHING)
1984
01:21:59,923 --> 01:22:00,989
We're on drugs
right now.
1985
01:22:00,991 --> 01:22:03,058
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
1986
01:22:03,060 --> 01:22:04,826
That's funny.
That's a funny joke!
1987
01:22:04,828 --> 01:22:06,795
FRED: What's a joke?
We're on fucking drugs...
1988
01:22:06,797 --> 01:22:08,029
(MOUTHING)
1989
01:22:08,031 --> 01:22:09,164
Are we going somewhere?
1990
01:22:09,166 --> 01:22:10,400
(MOUTHING)
1991
01:22:11,001 --> 01:22:12,901
What is that?
1992
01:22:12,903 --> 01:22:15,170
What is happening?
We're on drugs right now.
1993
01:22:15,172 --> 01:22:17,872
So you're admitting that
the United States government
1994
01:22:17,874 --> 01:22:20,108
ordered these planes
to spy on my country?
1995
01:22:20,110 --> 01:22:21,176
No.
1996
01:22:21,178 --> 01:22:22,344
(MOUTHS)
1997
01:22:22,346 --> 01:22:25,447
No! No! Of course not!
1998
01:22:25,449 --> 01:22:27,550
That's what it sounded like.
Face it.
1999
01:22:27,552 --> 01:22:28,783
You have no leverage here.
2000
01:22:28,785 --> 01:22:32,053
Match his aggression, Madam.
It's the only way out of this.
2001
01:22:32,055 --> 01:22:34,523
I don't know, he seems
really fucking pissed off.
2002
01:22:34,525 --> 01:22:36,024
Get more fucking pissed.
2003
01:22:36,026 --> 01:22:37,428
Let him know
who's really in charge.
2004
01:22:39,229 --> 01:22:40,764
- (GRUNTS)
- (BANGS)
2005
01:22:42,332 --> 01:22:44,034
(SOFTLY) Oh, my God,
that really hurt.
2006
01:22:45,269 --> 01:22:47,035
I gotta be honest,
I'm not...
2007
01:22:47,037 --> 01:22:50,238
I'm not feeling
all this aggression stuff.
2008
01:22:50,240 --> 01:22:53,908
I'm into more of,
like, a chilled vibe.
2009
01:22:53,910 --> 01:22:56,547
You know, just feeling...
2010
01:22:57,482 --> 01:22:59,417
God, are those Gauloises?
2011
01:23:00,418 --> 01:23:02,019
Just, I'm so...
2012
01:23:03,321 --> 01:23:05,789
I'm just gonna bum one.
2013
01:23:07,891 --> 01:23:09,190
Just give me one sec.
2014
01:23:09,192 --> 01:23:10,261
Don't worry.
2015
01:23:18,435 --> 01:23:19,501
Bharath.
2016
01:23:19,503 --> 01:23:21,238
- Hello?
- Listen.
2017
01:23:22,506 --> 01:23:24,441
Mmm. Mmm.
2018
01:23:26,142 --> 01:23:30,946
You and I are in
the same boat, my friend.
2019
01:23:31,515 --> 01:23:33,181
How is that the case?
2020
01:23:33,183 --> 01:23:34,582
We both have to
deal with my boss
2021
01:23:34,584 --> 01:23:37,985
and we both think
he is an asshole.
2022
01:23:37,987 --> 01:23:40,054
You also think
he's an asshole?
2023
01:23:40,056 --> 01:23:41,556
Oh, my God,
he's such an asshole.
2024
01:23:41,558 --> 01:23:43,425
His stupid fucking TV show
2025
01:23:43,427 --> 01:23:45,360
was like,
good for three episodes
2026
01:23:45,362 --> 01:23:47,228
and then it just didn't make
any sense.
2027
01:23:47,230 --> 01:23:49,366
(SIGHS) Fuck,
it feels good to say that.
2028
01:23:52,402 --> 01:23:53,403
Listen.
2029
01:23:55,572 --> 01:23:59,641
You need to keep this
on the real DL.
2030
01:23:59,643 --> 01:24:03,078
We both know
that the U.S. does not
2031
01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:06,214
negotiate with terrorists.
2032
01:24:06,216 --> 01:24:11,619
But, we do negotiate
with homies.
2033
01:24:11,621 --> 01:24:14,255
So if you give us
our guy back,
2034
01:24:14,257 --> 01:24:18,393
I'm gonna hook you up
with a sweet aid package.
2035
01:24:18,395 --> 01:24:21,429
So not only do you not have to
keep a guy hostage,
2036
01:24:21,431 --> 01:24:25,200
which is a pretty
shitty thing to do.
2037
01:24:25,202 --> 01:24:27,001
I mean, I've done it myself.
2038
01:24:27,003 --> 01:24:29,072
Don't tell anybody,
super classified.
2039
01:24:30,073 --> 01:24:31,673
It sucks, I hate it.
2040
01:24:31,675 --> 01:24:36,977
Yeah. So,
why don't we instead
2041
01:24:36,979 --> 01:24:40,647
save a ton of lives?
2042
01:24:40,649 --> 01:24:44,051
I mean, that's pretty
fucking awesome, right?
2043
01:24:44,053 --> 01:24:45,654
I think this is
a really good idea.
2044
01:24:49,125 --> 01:24:50,292
What do you say?
2045
01:24:53,028 --> 01:24:54,463
Ma'am.
2046
01:24:59,335 --> 01:25:01,535
Hostage saved, motherfuckers!
2047
01:25:01,537 --> 01:25:04,271
- Yeah, yeah!
- (BOTH CHEERING)
2048
01:25:04,273 --> 01:25:07,241
- She did it! She did it!
- She did it!
2049
01:25:07,243 --> 01:25:09,977
I'm here with Secretary
of State Charlotte Field.
2050
01:25:09,979 --> 01:25:12,413
Who, after a tense and
complicated negotiation
2051
01:25:12,415 --> 01:25:14,348
with Kashtar,
has secured the release
2052
01:25:14,350 --> 01:25:17,384
of the pilot of the U.S.
spy plane that went down
2053
01:25:17,386 --> 01:25:19,520
over Kashtari airspace.
2054
01:25:19,522 --> 01:25:21,588
I know, right.
(SOFTLY) Crazy.
2055
01:25:21,590 --> 01:25:22,657
REPORTER: And this is all
in the midst
2056
01:25:22,659 --> 01:25:25,259
of the success of
your environmental initiative,
2057
01:25:25,261 --> 01:25:28,696
which I understand has secured
the support of 100 countries.
2058
01:25:28,698 --> 01:25:30,264
- CHARLOTTE: Yes, um...
- Ooh, sore subject.
2059
01:25:30,266 --> 01:25:31,999
I'm very happy
to announce that
2060
01:25:32,001 --> 01:25:34,736
not only do I have the support
of those 100 countries,
2061
01:25:34,738 --> 01:25:37,438
but the president himself
called me personally
2062
01:25:37,440 --> 01:25:39,541
just to tell me how psyched
he is about this initiative...
2063
01:25:39,543 --> 01:25:42,510
- Did he call? Did he call?
- That didn't happen.
2064
01:25:42,512 --> 01:25:43,745
...don't change a word,
2065
01:25:43,747 --> 01:25:46,681
especially the part, uh,
with the trees.
2066
01:25:46,683 --> 01:25:48,315
- That's a lie.
- CHARLOTTE: So, all in all,
2067
01:25:48,317 --> 01:25:49,416
I'm just... Well,
2068
01:25:49,418 --> 01:25:52,352
I kinda feel like I'm just
kinda crushing it right now.
2069
01:25:52,354 --> 01:25:54,658
Thank you so much. So...
Thank you.
2070
01:25:55,357 --> 01:25:56,424
Thank you.
2071
01:25:56,426 --> 01:25:58,759
The incredible
Charlotte Field.
2072
01:25:58,761 --> 01:26:01,093
Who clearly still feels
the effects
2073
01:26:01,095 --> 01:26:04,398
of the intense all-night
hostage situation. (CHUCKLES)
2074
01:26:04,400 --> 01:26:06,635
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
2075
01:26:16,712 --> 01:26:19,580
After negotiating the release
of Lieutenant Gary Smith...
2076
01:26:19,582 --> 01:26:21,515
Charlotte Field's popularity
continues to skyrocket...
2077
01:26:21,517 --> 01:26:23,249
In the newest Gallup poll,
68%...
2078
01:26:23,251 --> 01:26:26,553
...are women mentally unfit
to hold the presidency?
2079
01:26:26,555 --> 01:26:28,388
Here to chat about it
is Chris Brown,
2080
01:26:28,390 --> 01:26:30,757
Jeremy Piven,
and Brett Ratner.
2081
01:26:30,759 --> 01:26:33,560
In the wake of her successful
hostage negotiation,
2082
01:26:33,562 --> 01:26:35,762
Charlotte Field's poll numbers
keep going up.
2083
01:26:35,764 --> 01:26:37,129
MALE REPORTER:
I'd like to apologize
2084
01:26:37,131 --> 01:26:38,365
to Charlotte,
and anyone out there
2085
01:26:38,367 --> 01:26:41,604
who was upset yesterday when
I called her Booby-McBoobson.
2086
01:26:43,405 --> 01:26:44,607
Give me
the president's office.
2087
01:26:45,474 --> 01:26:47,541
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Yep?
2088
01:26:47,543 --> 01:26:49,176
MAGGIE: Can I talk to you
for a second?
2089
01:26:49,178 --> 01:26:50,677
Of course.
2090
01:26:50,679 --> 01:26:52,646
We got some new polling that
I thought I'd share with you.
2091
01:26:52,648 --> 01:26:53,780
All right.
2092
01:26:53,782 --> 01:26:55,349
MAGGIE: It feels like
everything
2093
01:26:55,351 --> 01:26:56,583
is kinda falling into place
for us.
2094
01:26:56,585 --> 01:26:58,218
So we thought
we'd dig a little deeper
2095
01:26:58,220 --> 01:26:59,620
and make sure
there are no surprises.
2096
01:26:59,622 --> 01:27:01,355
- Why are you acting so weird?
- It's good.
2097
01:27:01,357 --> 01:27:03,259
We got some really
helpful feedback.
2098
01:27:04,493 --> 01:27:06,226
From the public.
2099
01:27:06,228 --> 01:27:09,496
So we asked
a thousand constituents
2100
01:27:09,498 --> 01:27:11,231
how they would feel
2101
01:27:11,233 --> 01:27:14,301
- if, say, Princess Di...
- CHARLOTTE: Hmm.
2102
01:27:14,303 --> 01:27:15,671
...if she were to
start dating
2103
01:27:16,572 --> 01:27:17,573
Guy Fieri.
2104
01:27:19,275 --> 01:27:21,174
I don't even know
who that is.
2105
01:27:21,176 --> 01:27:22,675
MAGGIE: They
don't like that.
2106
01:27:22,677 --> 01:27:25,278
- CHARLOTTE: Yeah.
- MAGGIE: Or Kate Middleton
2107
01:27:25,280 --> 01:27:27,480
were to start dating
Danny DeVito.
2108
01:27:27,482 --> 01:27:28,581
I see where you're
going with this.
2109
01:27:28,583 --> 01:27:29,882
Pretty negative reaction.
2110
01:27:29,884 --> 01:27:32,552
Or if Jennifer Lawrence
2111
01:27:32,554 --> 01:27:35,723
were to start dating this
potato in a teal windbreaker.
2112
01:27:36,791 --> 01:27:38,691
They would be very upset.
2113
01:27:38,693 --> 01:27:40,192
You did a lot of work,
2114
01:27:40,194 --> 01:27:42,161
- and I...
- Well, but, can I just finish?
2115
01:27:42,163 --> 01:27:44,397
No, that's, like, a lot of...
I get it.
2116
01:27:44,399 --> 01:27:46,299
Madam Secretary.
I have no desire
2117
01:27:46,301 --> 01:27:48,334
- to limit your romantic life.
- Good.
2118
01:27:48,336 --> 01:27:51,170
But the optics of you and Fred
2119
01:27:51,172 --> 01:27:53,639
will make a presidential run
very challenging.
2120
01:27:53,641 --> 01:27:54,875
Fred is a journalist.
2121
01:27:54,877 --> 01:27:57,209
Who's written some
extremely fucked-up stuff.
2122
01:27:57,211 --> 01:28:00,214
No. That's exposed some
really fucked-up stuff.
2123
01:28:01,349 --> 01:28:03,583
And I just want to know
for myself,
2124
01:28:03,585 --> 01:28:06,586
you're comfortable with putting
everything on the line for a hookup?
2125
01:28:06,588 --> 01:28:08,321
Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING)
2126
01:28:08,323 --> 01:28:09,488
Why are we having
this conversation?
2127
01:28:09,490 --> 01:28:10,824
This is insane.
2128
01:28:10,826 --> 01:28:13,726
I don't have to explain myself
to you.
2129
01:28:13,728 --> 01:28:15,461
I'm sorry. I really don't
understand this.
2130
01:28:15,463 --> 01:28:16,863
And I fucking love you,
Charlotte.
2131
01:28:16,865 --> 01:28:17,864
I want you to be happy.
2132
01:28:17,866 --> 01:28:19,465
But more than that,
I want you to be in charge.
2133
01:28:19,467 --> 01:28:21,400
And I want you
to be president.
2134
01:28:21,402 --> 01:28:23,538
For the sake of the future
of our country.
2135
01:28:27,542 --> 01:28:29,210
Look, there's another option.
2136
01:28:30,578 --> 01:28:31,878
There's a guy who works
for the Secret Service
2137
01:28:31,880 --> 01:28:35,949
whose job it is to handle
the mistresses...
2138
01:28:35,951 --> 01:28:37,516
Maggie. You're gonna
have to stop.
2139
01:28:37,518 --> 01:28:39,753
And there are a series
of tunnels in the White House
2140
01:28:39,755 --> 01:28:41,356
- that Woodrow Wilson...
- That's enough.
2141
01:28:43,626 --> 01:28:45,357
Fred is not an idea
2142
01:28:45,359 --> 01:28:47,793
that I'm floating by you
for your approval.
2143
01:28:47,795 --> 01:28:49,831
And you're getting very close
to crossing a line.
2144
01:28:55,570 --> 01:28:56,869
Okay. Got it.
2145
01:28:56,871 --> 01:28:58,305
Goodnight, Madam Secretary.
2146
01:28:59,774 --> 01:29:01,776
(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER)
2147
01:29:04,244 --> 01:29:06,344
When I grow up,
I want to be Charlotte Field.
2148
01:29:06,346 --> 01:29:07,713
Because she's smart and pretty
2149
01:29:07,715 --> 01:29:09,347
and she's going to be
president.
2150
01:29:09,349 --> 01:29:11,318
(SIGHS)
2151
01:29:12,654 --> 01:29:14,187
(BUZZER BUZZES)
2152
01:29:17,592 --> 01:29:20,426
I will be that
little girl's president.
2153
01:29:20,428 --> 01:29:23,663
Thank you,
and God bless America.
2154
01:29:23,665 --> 01:29:26,832
MAGGIE: Massive applause.
Massive cheering.
2155
01:29:26,834 --> 01:29:28,968
At that point, I think
the stage would descend,
2156
01:29:28,970 --> 01:29:32,772
right, and then Lil Uzi Vert
or Charli XCX
2157
01:29:32,774 --> 01:29:35,240
would join hands
with the Harlem Boys Choir...
2158
01:29:35,242 --> 01:29:36,909
Well, I said we'll figure
that out later.
2159
01:29:36,911 --> 01:29:38,811
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
2160
01:29:38,813 --> 01:29:40,346
Uh, Madam Secretary,
2161
01:29:40,348 --> 01:29:41,716
the president would like to
see you right now.
2162
01:29:42,450 --> 01:29:43,584
Shit.
2163
01:29:44,619 --> 01:29:45,685
Damn it!
2164
01:29:45,687 --> 01:29:46,954
The nation is at war!
2165
01:29:47,855 --> 01:29:49,055
I find myself torn.
2166
01:29:49,057 --> 01:29:53,659
Torn between my personal love
and my love of country...
2167
01:29:53,661 --> 01:29:55,327
Sir, is this a good time?
2168
01:29:55,329 --> 01:29:58,364
Oh, hi, Charlotte.
No, I'm just running lines.
2169
01:29:58,366 --> 01:29:59,398
- Oh.
- CHAMBERS: All right.
2170
01:29:59,400 --> 01:30:01,202
Clear the room. Everybody,
just Charlotte, please.
2171
01:30:02,603 --> 01:30:04,637
(INAUDIBLE)
2172
01:30:04,639 --> 01:30:05,640
Thanks.
2173
01:30:06,507 --> 01:30:07,742
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
2174
01:30:08,942 --> 01:30:10,577
Is everything okay, sir?
2175
01:30:11,645 --> 01:30:13,847
PARKER: Oh, look who it is.
2176
01:30:14,581 --> 01:30:17,382
She's here at last.
2177
01:30:17,384 --> 01:30:19,818
You gotta love that
secret door. Sit down.
2178
01:30:19,820 --> 01:30:21,221
(DOOR CLOSES)
2179
01:30:22,756 --> 01:30:24,289
(SIGHS)
2180
01:30:24,291 --> 01:30:25,790
This feels like an ambush.
2181
01:30:25,792 --> 01:30:27,826
Well, in the
entertainment world,
2182
01:30:27,828 --> 01:30:29,994
we call this a surprise
walk-on.
2183
01:30:29,996 --> 01:30:31,429
You see, Charlotte,
2184
01:30:31,431 --> 01:30:33,998
we have a number of
business interests
2185
01:30:34,000 --> 01:30:36,868
and that, you know,
may be gravely affected
2186
01:30:36,870 --> 01:30:38,837
by this agreement of yours.
2187
01:30:38,839 --> 01:30:41,339
Yeah. Uh, aside from
getting into film,
2188
01:30:41,341 --> 01:30:43,975
I'm looking to use
my connections as president
2189
01:30:43,977 --> 01:30:46,011
to expand
my investment portfolio.
2190
01:30:46,013 --> 01:30:48,680
Sort of like an Ashton Kutcher
type thing, you know.
2191
01:30:48,682 --> 01:30:51,616
I mean, that guy is killing
with acting and investing...
2192
01:30:51,618 --> 01:30:54,452
I think what the president
is trying to say,
2193
01:30:54,454 --> 01:30:57,355
is that the server farm
we want to build in Alaska
2194
01:30:57,357 --> 01:31:00,792
is sitting on 10 miles of land
which will now be
2195
01:31:00,794 --> 01:31:02,696
protected by your initiative.
2196
01:31:03,497 --> 01:31:04,763
Move your server farm.
2197
01:31:04,765 --> 01:31:06,631
PARKER: We want to
build it in Alaska.
2198
01:31:06,633 --> 01:31:08,399
There's plenty of room
for expansion.
2199
01:31:08,401 --> 01:31:11,369
Charlotte. I'm surprised
that it's come to this.
2200
01:31:11,371 --> 01:31:13,072
You're usually so agreeable.
2201
01:31:13,074 --> 01:31:15,507
But I watched you
undermine me
2202
01:31:15,509 --> 01:31:17,542
on TV the other day.
2203
01:31:17,544 --> 01:31:19,611
TV of all places.
2204
01:31:19,613 --> 01:31:21,646
That's my medium. All right?
2205
01:31:21,648 --> 01:31:25,350
You used TV against me!
2206
01:31:25,352 --> 01:31:27,820
That was your first mistake.
2207
01:31:27,822 --> 01:31:30,756
Look, I'm about to give you
the easiest ultimatum
2208
01:31:30,758 --> 01:31:32,826
that you're ever,
ever gonna receive.
2209
01:31:34,627 --> 01:31:36,360
Drop the tree thing.
2210
01:31:36,362 --> 01:31:38,797
- Or?
- PARKER: Or...
2211
01:31:38,799 --> 01:31:44,803
We will release the content
of your friend's hard drive.
2212
01:31:44,805 --> 01:31:47,538
We found
a lot of interesting stuff
2213
01:31:47,540 --> 01:31:49,140
when we hacked
into his webcam.
2214
01:31:49,142 --> 01:31:51,410
Now here is a little taster.
2215
01:31:54,613 --> 01:31:57,715
Yo, Charlotte, it's Fred.
2216
01:31:57,717 --> 01:31:59,550
Uh, you want
to come to my room
2217
01:31:59,552 --> 01:32:01,719
and have sex with me
really fast?
2218
01:32:01,721 --> 01:32:04,823
Oh no, don't worry. I'll find
ways to kill time today.
2219
01:32:04,825 --> 01:32:06,624
It's cool. Just let me know
when you're back.
2220
01:32:06,626 --> 01:32:07,694
Great.
2221
01:32:08,829 --> 01:32:10,028
(HANGS UP PHONE)
2222
01:32:10,030 --> 01:32:12,096
(FORWARDING)
2223
01:32:12,098 --> 01:32:13,865
CHARLOTTE: (ON VIDEO)
...important to me.
2224
01:32:13,867 --> 01:32:16,500
That's a good speech.
2225
01:32:16,502 --> 01:32:18,502
CHARLOTTE: The band of misfits
fight back...
2226
01:32:18,504 --> 01:32:20,406
- Nice dress.
- ...against the bullies.
2227
01:32:21,741 --> 01:32:22,941
Never giving up.
2228
01:32:22,943 --> 01:32:24,075
Never laying down.
2229
01:32:24,077 --> 01:32:25,612
(FORWARDING)
2230
01:32:27,147 --> 01:32:28,646
CHARLOTTE: In high school,
2231
01:32:28,648 --> 01:32:29,916
I would talk about
the underdog a lot.
2232
01:32:32,185 --> 01:32:34,919
And I would often find myself
on a soapbox
2233
01:32:34,921 --> 01:32:37,655
rambling on and on
about the injustices
2234
01:32:37,657 --> 01:32:38,825
of the world.
2235
01:32:40,994 --> 01:32:42,727
Which makes you
extremely popular...
2236
01:32:42,729 --> 01:32:44,462
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
2237
01:32:44,464 --> 01:32:46,030
...especially when everybody
would rather be watching
2238
01:32:46,032 --> 01:32:47,799
Beverly Hills, 90210.
2239
01:32:47,801 --> 01:32:49,767
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
2240
01:32:49,769 --> 01:32:51,638
(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
2241
01:32:55,641 --> 01:32:57,641
Oh, wow.
2242
01:32:57,643 --> 01:32:59,778
(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
2243
01:33:02,648 --> 01:33:04,450
Oh, boy!
2244
01:33:07,486 --> 01:33:11,555
Oh, no... Yucky.
2245
01:33:11,557 --> 01:33:13,857
(CHARLOTTE SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON VIDEO)
2246
01:33:13,859 --> 01:33:14,925
FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, boy!
2247
01:33:14,927 --> 01:33:16,629
What the fuck?
2248
01:33:17,963 --> 01:33:22,933
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry this happened.
2249
01:33:22,935 --> 01:33:24,668
- You don't have to be sorry.
- What do we do?
2250
01:33:24,670 --> 01:33:26,670
This is what everyone
was afraid was gonna happen,
2251
01:33:26,672 --> 01:33:27,738
because of me.
2252
01:33:27,740 --> 01:33:29,173
And now it's happening
because of me.
2253
01:33:29,175 --> 01:33:30,474
- Do I get a publicist?
- No.
2254
01:33:30,476 --> 01:33:31,708
- Do I do a publicity tour?
- Stop.
2255
01:33:31,710 --> 01:33:32,876
Do we have
a press conference?
2256
01:33:32,878 --> 01:33:35,848
Fred, listen to me.
I took the deal.
2257
01:33:37,483 --> 01:33:38,548
What?
2258
01:33:38,550 --> 01:33:39,883
We scratched the tree thing
2259
01:33:39,885 --> 01:33:42,486
and I have a real shot
at becoming president.
2260
01:33:42,488 --> 01:33:47,591
And some billionaire
motherfucker
2261
01:33:47,593 --> 01:33:51,528
gets to blackmail you?
Using me?
2262
01:33:51,530 --> 01:33:53,797
Doing something
that everybody does?
2263
01:33:53,799 --> 01:33:55,799
Out of a policy
that you cared about,
2264
01:33:55,801 --> 01:33:57,268
since you were
in middle school.
2265
01:33:57,270 --> 01:33:59,002
Since I've known you,
you've cared about this.
2266
01:33:59,004 --> 01:34:00,604
And now you're just gonna
get rid of it?
2267
01:34:00,606 --> 01:34:04,808
I'm trying to compromise here
for a bigger goal.
2268
01:34:04,810 --> 01:34:05,943
Well, I don't think
you should right now.
2269
01:34:05,945 --> 01:34:07,045
Oh, my God!
2270
01:34:07,047 --> 01:34:08,645
Of course
you don't think I should.
2271
01:34:08,647 --> 01:34:10,647
You never compromise
for anything in your life,
2272
01:34:10,649 --> 01:34:12,283
which gives you
the perfect excuse to fail.
2273
01:34:12,285 --> 01:34:15,186
Well, it's better than
maybe bending over backwards
2274
01:34:15,188 --> 01:34:16,653
for anyone who asked,
2275
01:34:16,655 --> 01:34:18,089
to the point that
you don't even know
2276
01:34:18,091 --> 01:34:19,689
why the fuck you're doing
this shit anymore!
2277
01:34:19,691 --> 01:34:21,291
In my world,
in order to achieve
2278
01:34:21,293 --> 01:34:23,226
what I'm trying to achieve,
I have to compromise.
2279
01:34:23,228 --> 01:34:24,294
Oh, why,
because you're a woman?
2280
01:34:24,296 --> 01:34:25,695
Yeah, motherfucker.
2281
01:34:25,697 --> 01:34:26,930
Okay, that makes sense.
2282
01:34:26,932 --> 01:34:29,532
And because I'm not giving up
everything I've ever wanted
2283
01:34:29,534 --> 01:34:31,834
just because it doesn't
live up to your moral code.
2284
01:34:31,836 --> 01:34:34,104
I don't care if this tape
comes out. I really don't.
2285
01:34:34,106 --> 01:34:36,139
- Oh, my God, Fred.
- I'll be okay.
2286
01:34:36,141 --> 01:34:38,010
You don't have to
do this for me.
2287
01:34:40,045 --> 01:34:41,914
You're not doing this for me.
2288
01:34:43,115 --> 01:34:44,647
(SCOFFS) Obviously.
2289
01:34:44,649 --> 01:34:48,584
Look, you and I both know
2290
01:34:48,586 --> 01:34:50,553
the woman who stands
beside the guy
2291
01:34:50,555 --> 01:34:52,889
that's coming on his face
gets way more scrutiny
2292
01:34:52,891 --> 01:34:55,892
than the guy who's actually
coming on his face.
2293
01:34:55,894 --> 01:34:57,660
Don't know if that's
happened enough
2294
01:34:57,662 --> 01:34:59,229
for there to be, like,
a precedent for it.
2295
01:34:59,231 --> 01:35:01,932
So, who knows? Maybe that
won't be the case this time.
2296
01:35:01,934 --> 01:35:03,734
Who knows? Maybe people
will think it's romantic.
2297
01:35:03,736 --> 01:35:05,268
I'm jerking...
I'm jerking off to you.
2298
01:35:05,270 --> 01:35:06,903
You don't know how people
are gonna react.
2299
01:35:06,905 --> 01:35:08,907
I'm not taking that risk.
2300
01:35:10,075 --> 01:35:11,576
(SIGHS)
2301
01:35:12,878 --> 01:35:13,946
I can't do it.
2302
01:35:15,347 --> 01:35:16,815
Okay.
2303
01:35:22,888 --> 01:35:26,759
So the video doesn't come out,
what happens to us?
2304
01:35:32,097 --> 01:35:36,266
I was talking to Maggie,
and she knows
2305
01:35:36,268 --> 01:35:38,735
this consultant who could
scrub your history.
2306
01:35:38,737 --> 01:35:40,270
We could make sure
nothing else like this
2307
01:35:40,272 --> 01:35:42,640
pops up and surprises us.
2308
01:35:43,174 --> 01:35:45,775
And then we just...
We work on your image,
2309
01:35:45,777 --> 01:35:47,710
and we figure out
how we want to
2310
01:35:47,712 --> 01:35:50,179
present ourselves
as a couple to the public.
2311
01:35:50,181 --> 01:35:51,315
That's all.
2312
01:35:56,621 --> 01:35:58,754
- Okay.
- Okay.
2313
01:35:58,756 --> 01:35:59,922
How long...
How long will it take,
2314
01:35:59,924 --> 01:36:02,892
do you think, to create
2315
01:36:02,894 --> 01:36:05,795
an image of me that we can
present to the public?
2316
01:36:05,797 --> 01:36:09,366
Just through the first couple
months of the campaign.
2317
01:36:09,368 --> 01:36:11,934
You think? But you don't
know that, right?
2318
01:36:11,936 --> 01:36:13,235
It could take longer
than that.
2319
01:36:13,237 --> 01:36:15,638
In a couple of months,
you could find that it's not a good moment
2320
01:36:15,640 --> 01:36:18,174
to introduce
a new boyfriend, right?
2321
01:36:18,176 --> 01:36:20,377
And then we'd have to wait
a couple more months.
2322
01:36:20,379 --> 01:36:22,980
I don't know how long
it's gonna take, Fred.
2323
01:36:23,848 --> 01:36:26,115
And then meanwhile,
2324
01:36:26,117 --> 01:36:28,019
you're pretending
not to date me.
2325
01:36:29,187 --> 01:36:32,054
And you're scrubbing
my Internet history?
2326
01:36:32,056 --> 01:36:33,823
So my articles are gone.
2327
01:36:33,825 --> 01:36:35,758
And you, like, sneak me around
2328
01:36:35,760 --> 01:36:37,726
like I'm Marilyn Monroe
and you're JFK?
2329
01:36:37,728 --> 01:36:38,894
Is that what
we're talking about?
2330
01:36:38,896 --> 01:36:42,031
I just want to be clear,
that's what we're talking about.
2331
01:36:42,033 --> 01:36:44,369
And we have to do that
because I'm...
2332
01:36:45,903 --> 01:36:47,071
...not right.
2333
01:36:48,906 --> 01:36:51,674
And then once we present us
to the world,
2334
01:36:51,676 --> 01:36:56,215
we present a version of me
that isn't... actually me?
2335
01:36:59,917 --> 01:37:00,985
Yeah.
2336
01:37:04,323 --> 01:37:05,389
(FRED SIGHS)
2337
01:37:10,361 --> 01:37:11,795
I can't do it.
2338
01:37:13,930 --> 01:37:16,031
I wish
2339
01:37:16,033 --> 01:37:19,137
that I was the type of person
that could, but I can't.
2340
01:37:28,312 --> 01:37:29,913
You don't have to do it.
2341
01:37:51,035 --> 01:37:53,035
FRED: Don't know what the fuck
I was thinking.
2342
01:37:53,037 --> 01:37:56,972
Why the fuck
I thought someone like her
2343
01:37:56,974 --> 01:37:58,806
and someone like me
could work?
2344
01:37:58,808 --> 01:38:01,944
She's a fucking politician.
Like, I don't even know her.
2345
01:38:01,946 --> 01:38:04,513
Like, I don't know who she is.
2346
01:38:04,515 --> 01:38:07,483
She has no moral compass.
2347
01:38:07,485 --> 01:38:10,152
She's working with fucking
Democrats one day,
2348
01:38:10,154 --> 01:38:11,787
Republicans the next
fucking day.
2349
01:38:11,789 --> 01:38:12,855
I mean, what's wrong
with working
2350
01:38:12,857 --> 01:38:14,223
with Democrats
and Republicans?
2351
01:38:14,225 --> 01:38:15,958
That's...
That's the whole country.
2352
01:38:15,960 --> 01:38:19,161
Uh, yeah,
except fuck Republicans,
2353
01:38:19,163 --> 01:38:20,829
I guess is the problem
with that.
2354
01:38:20,831 --> 01:38:24,233
Speaking as an American,
shouldn't you see both sides?
2355
01:38:24,235 --> 01:38:27,036
Yeah. I see
one side's fucking wrong.
2356
01:38:27,038 --> 01:38:29,537
- (SCOFFS)
- What's the problem here?
2357
01:38:29,539 --> 01:38:31,206
I'm a Republican.
2358
01:38:31,208 --> 01:38:32,974
You're fucking joking
right now.
2359
01:38:32,976 --> 01:38:36,177
Member of the GOP!
Yeah, you know me.
2360
01:38:36,179 --> 01:38:37,512
You're a Republican.
2361
01:38:37,514 --> 01:38:38,413
Yeah, I'm a Republican!
2362
01:38:38,415 --> 01:38:40,882
The shit has worked out
so far for me.
2363
01:38:40,884 --> 01:38:42,450
What the fuck, man?
2364
01:38:42,452 --> 01:38:43,985
All that shit
you're always saying to me!
2365
01:38:43,987 --> 01:38:45,186
- Yeah.
- Pull yourself up
2366
01:38:45,188 --> 01:38:47,855
by your bootstraps. And being
in charge of your own destiny.
2367
01:38:47,857 --> 01:38:50,091
- Republican shit.
- Oh, and it worked on me.
2368
01:38:50,093 --> 01:38:51,826
And it works
on a lot of people.
2369
01:38:51,828 --> 01:38:52,994
Oh, that's fucking sick.
2370
01:38:52,996 --> 01:38:54,095
That's right.
2371
01:38:54,097 --> 01:38:55,463
Ugh! That's gross!
2372
01:38:55,465 --> 01:38:57,398
That Republican shit,
you put it in my brain
2373
01:38:57,400 --> 01:38:59,500
and it made me feel good.
That's fucked up, man!
2374
01:38:59,502 --> 01:39:00,969
Come on. See, this is what
I'm talking about,
2375
01:39:00,971 --> 01:39:02,070
your negative way of thinking.
2376
01:39:02,072 --> 01:39:03,338
I don't even know you!
2377
01:39:03,340 --> 01:39:04,205
- What do you mean?
- Ugh!
2378
01:39:04,207 --> 01:39:05,807
I'm the same dude
from two minutes ago.
2379
01:39:05,809 --> 01:39:06,874
Your best friend.
2380
01:39:06,876 --> 01:39:08,109
Why'd you never tell me this?
2381
01:39:08,111 --> 01:39:10,245
'Cause I knew you'd act exactly
how you're acting right now.
2382
01:39:10,247 --> 01:39:11,913
Wait a minute.
2383
01:39:11,915 --> 01:39:14,415
You're always talking about how, like,
the universe has a plan for all of us...
2384
01:39:14,417 --> 01:39:15,383
Take it easy.
2385
01:39:15,385 --> 01:39:17,318
There's someone watching
over us at all times.
2386
01:39:17,320 --> 01:39:19,287
- Yeah.
- Does that mean...
2387
01:39:19,289 --> 01:39:20,424
I'm a man of Christian faith.
2388
01:39:21,024 --> 01:39:23,057
What the fuck!
2389
01:39:23,059 --> 01:39:24,560
Now, come on now!
We pray for you!
2390
01:39:24,562 --> 01:39:26,060
Don't pray for me! Keep it!
2391
01:39:26,062 --> 01:39:28,129
- Lord.
- Oh, stop it. Ignore him, God!
2392
01:39:28,131 --> 01:39:30,098
- He doesn't mean that.
- Don't pray for me!
2393
01:39:30,100 --> 01:39:31,266
You are trippin' right now.
2394
01:39:31,268 --> 01:39:32,333
I'm not fucking trippin'!
How could you be Christian?
2395
01:39:32,335 --> 01:39:37,038
I wear this cross, every day,
since you've known me!
2396
01:39:37,040 --> 01:39:38,206
What did you think it was for?
2397
01:39:38,208 --> 01:39:40,609
I thought it was... (SIGHS)
2398
01:39:40,611 --> 01:39:42,176
...a cultural thing.
2399
01:39:42,178 --> 01:39:43,913
You mean like,
'cause I'm black?
2400
01:39:45,248 --> 01:39:46,384
That's what
I thought, yeah.
2401
01:39:47,050 --> 01:39:48,116
That might be.
2402
01:39:48,118 --> 01:39:50,352
But that don't mean
what you said ain't racist.
2403
01:39:50,354 --> 01:39:52,420
- You're right.
- Yeah, I know I'm right!
2404
01:39:52,422 --> 01:39:54,087
- Fuck.
- That's racist as shit!
2405
01:39:54,089 --> 01:39:57,190
All right, dude...
I love you, man.
2406
01:39:57,192 --> 01:40:00,193
But you're very judgmental.
They don't want politics
2407
01:40:00,195 --> 01:40:02,330
to get into this,
because you've never really
2408
01:40:02,332 --> 01:40:04,131
been good at looking at shit
2409
01:40:04,133 --> 01:40:05,999
from other people's
perspective, Fred.
2410
01:40:06,001 --> 01:40:07,435
- I know.
- It might explain
2411
01:40:07,437 --> 01:40:10,171
why you haven't been able to look
at this through Charlotte's eyes.
2412
01:40:10,173 --> 01:40:11,239
I'm sorry.
2413
01:40:11,241 --> 01:40:13,174
I'm sorry you couldn't be
who you are around me,
2414
01:40:13,176 --> 01:40:15,576
and you had to
hide your true self.
2415
01:40:15,578 --> 01:40:16,910
That's really fucked up.
2416
01:40:16,912 --> 01:40:17,978
That's all right, man.
2417
01:40:17,980 --> 01:40:21,915
But my love for the GOP
and the G-O-D
2418
01:40:21,917 --> 01:40:23,651
has nothing to do with us.
2419
01:40:23,653 --> 01:40:25,586
I'm racist.
You're a Republican.
2420
01:40:25,588 --> 01:40:28,021
I don't know
what the fuck's going on.
2421
01:40:28,023 --> 01:40:29,390
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
2422
01:40:29,392 --> 01:40:31,559
JAMES: Polls suggested
I should get into yoga,
2423
01:40:31,561 --> 01:40:33,261
which I did and it turns out,
2424
01:40:33,263 --> 01:40:34,562
I don't really like yoga.
2425
01:40:34,564 --> 01:40:38,032
Don't you sometimes just wish
you could say,
2426
01:40:38,034 --> 01:40:39,233
"Fuck the polls"?
2427
01:40:39,235 --> 01:40:44,539
Well, polls say that people
find my laugh unattractive.
2428
01:40:44,541 --> 01:40:46,341
So I shouldn't laugh
in public.
2429
01:40:46,343 --> 01:40:47,475
That was a bit of a bummer,
2430
01:40:47,477 --> 01:40:49,977
because I really,
I like to laugh.
2431
01:40:49,979 --> 01:40:51,412
- A lot.
- Hmm.
2432
01:40:51,414 --> 01:40:53,548
Um, but we came up
with another laugh
2433
01:40:53,550 --> 01:40:55,283
that was better.
That's more, uh...
2434
01:40:55,285 --> 01:40:57,118
- Presidential, I guess.
- Hmm.
2435
01:40:57,120 --> 01:40:58,653
(LAUGHING)
2436
01:40:58,655 --> 01:40:59,654
That's good.
2437
01:40:59,656 --> 01:41:01,289
It's a lot of teeth
and not too much sound.
2438
01:41:01,291 --> 01:41:03,958
- Yeah.
- (SLURPS) Mmm.
2439
01:41:03,960 --> 01:41:06,127
So, um, after dinner,
2440
01:41:06,129 --> 01:41:07,695
how about we go
for a drink somewhere?
2441
01:41:07,697 --> 01:41:08,963
Ooh.
2442
01:41:08,965 --> 01:41:12,133
I know this great little place
that's not too far from here.
2443
01:41:12,135 --> 01:41:14,469
It's called Mini Bar.
2444
01:41:14,471 --> 01:41:18,672
It's quite exclusive, you need
a little key to access it.
2445
01:41:18,674 --> 01:41:22,976
And you get charged
as you remove the bottle.
2446
01:41:22,978 --> 01:41:24,578
- Hmm.
- It's actually more of
2447
01:41:24,580 --> 01:41:26,313
a small fridge than a bar.
2448
01:41:26,315 --> 01:41:28,181
- And it's in my room...
- No, I get it.
2449
01:41:28,183 --> 01:41:29,616
I'm inviting you
back to my room.
2450
01:41:29,618 --> 01:41:32,287
- I...
- (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)
2451
01:41:34,289 --> 01:41:36,356
- That was my real laugh.
- Mmm!
2452
01:41:36,358 --> 01:41:37,491
- (CHUCKLING)
- I don't know why
2453
01:41:37,493 --> 01:41:39,895
they told you
not to use that laugh.
2454
01:41:41,296 --> 01:41:42,431
- It's...
- (SLURPS LOUDLY)
2455
01:41:49,238 --> 01:41:51,138
Big day tomorrow,
Madam Secretary.
2456
01:41:51,140 --> 01:41:53,507
(CAR RADIO
PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
2457
01:41:53,509 --> 01:41:55,377
Yeah. Big day.
2458
01:42:14,163 --> 01:42:15,395
(SIGHS)
2459
01:42:15,397 --> 01:42:17,700
Okay. "Hey, it's Fred."
2460
01:42:26,709 --> 01:42:28,578
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
2461
01:42:41,122 --> 01:42:42,190
Hello?
2462
01:42:43,792 --> 01:42:45,392
Beep.
2463
01:42:45,394 --> 01:42:47,729
Oh, uh, guess I got
your voicemail. Um, hi.
2464
01:42:48,564 --> 01:42:50,797
It's Fred.
2465
01:42:50,799 --> 01:42:54,266
I guess I wanna start
by saying I'm really sorry.
2466
01:42:54,268 --> 01:42:56,369
You were right
about everything
2467
01:42:56,371 --> 01:42:58,474
and I was wrong
about everything.
2468
01:43:00,174 --> 01:43:04,544
And we should go along
with the plan.
2469
01:43:04,546 --> 01:43:08,182
I can be Marilyn.
I can be your Marilyn.
2470
01:43:09,150 --> 01:43:10,650
I'd rather be
your Lady Bird,
2471
01:43:10,652 --> 01:43:14,256
because, you know,
LBJ put a ring on that finger.
2472
01:43:14,756 --> 01:43:16,188
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
2473
01:43:16,190 --> 01:43:19,593
But I would do anything
to continue,
2474
01:43:19,595 --> 01:43:21,296
to be able to be with you.
2475
01:43:25,132 --> 01:43:26,301
Okay, bye.
2476
01:43:38,180 --> 01:43:39,181
(KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS)
2477
01:43:40,649 --> 01:43:42,382
So, we're losing
the trees, huh?
2478
01:43:42,384 --> 01:43:45,318
Yeah. POTUS talked me
out of it.
2479
01:43:45,320 --> 01:43:47,587
I know that meant
a lot to you. I'm so sorry.
2480
01:43:47,589 --> 01:43:49,456
Hmm, nothing we can do
about it.
2481
01:43:49,458 --> 01:43:50,857
We need his endorsement.
2482
01:43:50,859 --> 01:43:53,195
- Yep.
- Yep.
2483
01:43:55,864 --> 01:43:58,300
And I am sorry
about you and Fred.
2484
01:44:01,436 --> 01:44:04,603
You know,
he called last night.
2485
01:44:04,605 --> 01:44:06,739
He said he'd do it,
he'd go along with the plan.
2486
01:44:06,741 --> 01:44:10,142
(EXHALES) Really? Wow.
2487
01:44:10,144 --> 01:44:12,246
That's a shock.
2488
01:44:13,681 --> 01:44:17,416
Um... Okay.
2489
01:44:17,418 --> 01:44:18,817
I'll... I'll start
to make arrangements.
2490
01:44:18,819 --> 01:44:19,820
No, Maggie.
2491
01:44:20,688 --> 01:44:22,288
There's nothing to do.
2492
01:44:22,290 --> 01:44:24,258
At the end of the day,
it was never gonna work.
2493
01:44:27,161 --> 01:44:30,329
Well, today is
such a good day,
2494
01:44:30,331 --> 01:44:32,298
and I am so excited.
2495
01:44:32,300 --> 01:44:33,766
We should be psyched.
2496
01:44:33,768 --> 01:44:36,368
So psyched. (CHUCKLES)
2497
01:44:36,370 --> 01:44:38,504
All right,
I will see you out there.
2498
01:44:38,506 --> 01:44:39,574
All right.
2499
01:44:58,760 --> 01:45:00,127
LANCE: Hey, man.
2500
01:45:00,796 --> 01:45:01,863
Can I get a beer?
2501
01:45:03,464 --> 01:45:06,632
- Thanks for coming.
- No problem, bro.
2502
01:45:06,634 --> 01:45:09,268
How you feelin' though?
2503
01:45:09,270 --> 01:45:11,303
(EXHALES) Okay, you know,
you were right.
2504
01:45:11,305 --> 01:45:12,504
I called her.
2505
01:45:12,506 --> 01:45:14,340
I left a message.
She didn't call me back.
2506
01:45:14,342 --> 01:45:16,375
So... Whatever.
2507
01:45:16,377 --> 01:45:17,713
Sure you wanna watch this?
2508
01:45:18,680 --> 01:45:20,114
Yeah, I have to.
2509
01:45:22,383 --> 01:45:24,951
Madam Secretary,
I'd like to introduce you
2510
01:45:24,953 --> 01:45:25,884
to Lil Yachty.
2511
01:45:25,886 --> 01:45:27,786
He's going to be
performing after the speech.
2512
01:45:27,788 --> 01:45:29,320
Pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Yachty.
2513
01:45:29,322 --> 01:45:31,657
I'm a big-ass fan. I'm so
excited to vote for you.
2514
01:45:31,659 --> 01:45:33,728
- I'm sorry, it's game time.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
2515
01:45:36,196 --> 01:45:38,231
- (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2516
01:45:45,806 --> 01:45:47,708
(CHEERING CONTINUES ON TV)
2517
01:45:51,779 --> 01:45:53,479
Good morning!
2518
01:45:53,481 --> 01:45:56,450
Thank you, everyone,
for being here with me today.
2519
01:45:57,718 --> 01:45:59,317
Let me start
by saying something
2520
01:45:59,319 --> 01:46:01,687
I haven't said since I was 16
2521
01:46:01,689 --> 01:46:03,756
and worked
at Blockbuster Video.
2522
01:46:03,758 --> 01:46:05,660
(LAUGHTER)
2523
01:46:05,993 --> 01:46:07,291
I quit...
2524
01:46:07,293 --> 01:46:09,428
- (CHUCKLES)
- I helped write that joke.
2525
01:46:09,430 --> 01:46:10,629
Oh, yeah?
That's a good joke.
2526
01:46:10,631 --> 01:46:14,366
...as secretary of
state, in order to run
2527
01:46:14,368 --> 01:46:17,536
for president of
the United States of America.
2528
01:46:17,538 --> 01:46:19,473
(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
2529
01:46:20,741 --> 01:46:22,677
(CHUCKLING) God bless.
2530
01:46:25,513 --> 01:46:28,013
And I'm honored
2531
01:46:28,015 --> 01:46:31,750
to have the full support
of President Chambers,
2532
01:46:31,752 --> 01:46:34,453
a man I greatly admire.
2533
01:46:34,455 --> 01:46:37,823
A man who is
an extraordinary leader.
2534
01:46:37,825 --> 01:46:39,694
Man, you know
who you should date?
2535
01:46:40,895 --> 01:46:42,430
Taylor Swift.
2536
01:46:43,597 --> 01:46:45,597
Hell, yeah.
I could see that.
2537
01:46:45,599 --> 01:46:49,534
Why... Why do you think
I could date Taylor Swift?
2538
01:46:49,536 --> 01:46:51,335
Fred, you were dating
Charlotte Field.
2539
01:46:51,337 --> 01:46:52,837
That's the most powerful woman
on Earth!
2540
01:46:52,839 --> 01:46:54,372
Oh, I get it.
2541
01:46:54,374 --> 01:46:56,476
I don't know what me and
Taylor Swift have in common.
2542
01:46:57,711 --> 01:47:01,646
Y'all white. Ya ain't got
a care in the world.
2543
01:47:01,648 --> 01:47:02,880
That's true.
2544
01:47:02,882 --> 01:47:04,851
But this campaign
is not about me.
2545
01:47:05,552 --> 01:47:07,385
It's about you.
2546
01:47:07,387 --> 01:47:08,619
It's about us.
2547
01:47:08,621 --> 01:47:09,821
(WOMAN WHOOPS)
2548
01:47:09,823 --> 01:47:11,422
It's about how together,
2549
01:47:11,424 --> 01:47:15,493
we can build the future
our fellow Americans deserve.
2550
01:47:15,495 --> 01:47:17,230
(ALL CHEERING)
2551
01:47:18,598 --> 01:47:21,566
I have dreamt
about this moment
2552
01:47:21,568 --> 01:47:23,801
(EXHALES) ever since
I was a little girl
2553
01:47:23,803 --> 01:47:25,905
growing up
in the nation's capital.
2554
01:47:28,541 --> 01:47:32,077
And I know
that if that young girl
2555
01:47:32,079 --> 01:47:35,548
could see me
standing up here right now...
2556
01:47:38,384 --> 01:47:39,552
(SIGHS)
2557
01:47:40,854 --> 01:47:43,523
She would be so...
2558
01:47:45,625 --> 01:47:46,758
(CLICKS TONGUE)
2559
01:47:46,760 --> 01:47:48,461
She would be...
2560
01:47:54,902 --> 01:47:56,036
What's happening?
2561
01:47:57,637 --> 01:48:01,274
She... She would be so
disappointed in me, actually.
2562
01:48:02,977 --> 01:48:06,511
Yeah, the truth is, that girl
2563
01:48:06,513 --> 01:48:07,712
would want me to be honest
2564
01:48:07,714 --> 01:48:10,381
and have integrity and not be
2565
01:48:10,383 --> 01:48:13,787
blackmailed by evil people
with evil agendas.
2566
01:48:16,022 --> 01:48:17,855
So instead, I'm just gonna...
2567
01:48:17,857 --> 01:48:20,992
I'm just gonna tell the truth,
and whatever happens, happens.
2568
01:48:20,994 --> 01:48:22,960
- So here we go.
- (FEEDBACK ON MIC)
2569
01:48:22,962 --> 01:48:26,630
Parker Wembley
and our dumb-fuck president...
2570
01:48:26,632 --> 01:48:27,932
Whoo!
2571
01:48:27,934 --> 01:48:29,133
...are doing some
evil shit together.
2572
01:48:29,135 --> 01:48:30,868
And because
I just told you now,
2573
01:48:30,870 --> 01:48:34,471
they're going to release
a video of a guy I dated
2574
01:48:34,473 --> 01:48:36,808
jerking off all over himself.
2575
01:48:36,810 --> 01:48:37,809
Release the video.
2576
01:48:37,811 --> 01:48:39,877
Get the fucking thing online.
Get it online!
2577
01:48:39,879 --> 01:48:42,381
But don't slut shame me. I...
2578
01:48:43,683 --> 01:48:44,751
I like him.
2579
01:48:45,484 --> 01:48:47,051
I like him a lot.
2580
01:48:47,053 --> 01:48:49,055
Fred, you gotta go to her.
2581
01:48:51,157 --> 01:48:53,423
Go get her ass, man.
2582
01:48:53,425 --> 01:48:54,761
And he jerks off.
2583
01:48:57,096 --> 01:48:59,163
And so do all of you.
2584
01:48:59,165 --> 01:49:00,430
Hell, yeah!
2585
01:49:00,432 --> 01:49:02,633
So deal with it.
2586
01:49:02,635 --> 01:49:04,103
Deal with it, America.
2587
01:49:09,809 --> 01:49:11,578
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
2588
01:49:13,046 --> 01:49:15,079
Hey! I'm Fred!
2589
01:49:15,081 --> 01:49:16,747
Is that an XL?
2590
01:49:16,749 --> 01:49:18,015
I've got five stars in it,
2591
01:49:18,017 --> 01:49:19,517
if you could speed
this shit up, man!
2592
01:49:19,519 --> 01:49:20,852
We'll give you extra tip,
real tip.
2593
01:49:20,854 --> 01:49:22,186
Not Uber tip! Cash tip!
2594
01:49:22,188 --> 01:49:24,557
- (ALL CLAMORING)
- AGENT M: Get back! Get back!
2595
01:49:27,627 --> 01:49:29,729
- Where are we going?
- I don't know.
2596
01:49:30,930 --> 01:49:32,465
(ALL CLAMORING)
2597
01:49:33,666 --> 01:49:34,932
MAGGIE: She's leaving?
Where is she going?
2598
01:49:34,934 --> 01:49:36,733
Shit, I don't know.
This isn't on the itinerary.
2599
01:49:36,735 --> 01:49:38,902
Tom, you have to think past
the itinerary!
2600
01:49:38,904 --> 01:49:39,836
I can't.
2601
01:49:39,838 --> 01:49:41,671
LANCE: Fred, I just got
a Wembley news alert
2602
01:49:41,673 --> 01:49:43,874
- with your name on it.
- FRED: Don't open it!
2603
01:49:43,876 --> 01:49:46,576
FRED: (ON VIDEO)
Oh, yeah! Oh, boy!
2604
01:49:46,578 --> 01:49:47,978
(LAUGHING) Oh, Fred!
2605
01:49:47,980 --> 01:49:50,981
Oh, no. Oh, no.
2606
01:49:50,983 --> 01:49:52,182
Hey, it's all right, man.
2607
01:49:52,184 --> 01:49:53,850
You know,
we all got our things.
2608
01:49:53,852 --> 01:49:55,552
I don't bust a nut
on my face.
2609
01:49:55,554 --> 01:49:57,754
- But, like...
- It's not like a thing I do!
2610
01:49:57,756 --> 01:49:58,922
(GUFFAWS)
2611
01:49:58,924 --> 01:50:00,757
Do you think that'll,
like, go viral?
2612
01:50:00,759 --> 01:50:03,595
(SCOFFS) This is the news!
2613
01:50:04,197 --> 01:50:05,864
(LAUGHING) Oh, shit.
2614
01:50:13,805 --> 01:50:17,040
Excuse me. Move, damn it!
This man is in love.
2615
01:50:17,042 --> 01:50:18,909
Secretary Field
just drove away,
2616
01:50:18,911 --> 01:50:20,977
no comment
as to her destination.
2617
01:50:20,979 --> 01:50:23,114
We're gonna keep tracking
this story for you...
2618
01:50:23,116 --> 01:50:24,948
CAMERAMAN: Yo, check it out.
It's the come-guy!
2619
01:50:24,950 --> 01:50:26,650
- MAN: Yeah, that's him!
- REPORTER: Oh, sir,
2620
01:50:26,652 --> 01:50:27,851
just a couple of questions.
We're live right now.
2621
01:50:27,853 --> 01:50:30,987
No! I'm come-guy?
2622
01:50:30,989 --> 01:50:32,689
No comments at this time,
thank you! Thank you!
2623
01:50:32,691 --> 01:50:33,823
Thank you!
2624
01:50:33,825 --> 01:50:35,928
Do not touch him!
Do not touch him!
2625
01:50:50,676 --> 01:50:51,743
Hi.
2626
01:50:52,744 --> 01:50:53,912
Holy shit.
2627
01:50:56,015 --> 01:50:57,549
Did you see my speech?
2628
01:50:58,783 --> 01:51:01,519
Yeah. I think
everyone saw it.
2629
01:51:01,987 --> 01:51:02,988
Yeah.
2630
01:51:05,790 --> 01:51:07,725
You know,
your video's out there.
2631
01:51:08,626 --> 01:51:10,128
Yeah, I caught that.
(CHUCKLES)
2632
01:51:17,135 --> 01:51:19,104
Here's the deal.
I love you.
2633
01:51:20,872 --> 01:51:22,973
I know I do.
2634
01:51:22,975 --> 01:51:25,944
Because I've never been
so scared in my entire life.
2635
01:51:28,914 --> 01:51:33,617
And I once shared an elevator
with Saddam Hussein.
2636
01:51:34,953 --> 01:51:37,122
Just me and Saddam.
2637
01:51:40,192 --> 01:51:42,060
And this is way scarier.
2638
01:51:44,997 --> 01:51:46,530
I love you.
2639
01:51:49,668 --> 01:51:52,135
Okay, you're really gonna have
to say something right now.
2640
01:51:52,137 --> 01:51:53,739
'Cause I'm freaking out.
2641
01:51:56,607 --> 01:51:58,877
I've been in love with you
since I was 12 years old.
2642
01:52:01,346 --> 01:52:03,213
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
2643
01:52:03,215 --> 01:52:04,683
(CHUCKLES)
2644
01:52:10,222 --> 01:52:12,224
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
2645
01:52:19,998 --> 01:52:20,999
Oh.
2646
01:52:22,700 --> 01:52:23,766
Hello?
2647
01:52:23,768 --> 01:52:26,835
Hey, Fred, uh, there's
a million people out here
2648
01:52:26,837 --> 01:52:29,238
and they want to talk to the
candidate and the come-guy.
2649
01:52:29,240 --> 01:52:31,075
So, I figured they'd hit you.
2650
01:52:42,787 --> 01:52:44,655
(ALL CHEERING)
2651
01:52:51,962 --> 01:52:53,297
LANCE: Fred!
2652
01:52:54,265 --> 01:52:55,800
Fred!
2653
01:53:01,105 --> 01:53:04,039
A crazy day.
2654
01:53:04,041 --> 01:53:06,276
But I'm really glad
you're all here.
2655
01:53:06,278 --> 01:53:08,346
I'd like to introduce you
to someone.
2656
01:53:09,713 --> 01:53:10,781
This is Fred.
2657
01:53:11,416 --> 01:53:12,683
Hi, there.
2658
01:53:14,286 --> 01:53:16,286
- My boyfriend.
- (ALL CHEERING)
2659
01:53:16,288 --> 01:53:17,655
Whoo!
2660
01:53:20,958 --> 01:53:22,891
You kind of
know him already,
2661
01:53:22,893 --> 01:53:24,993
but you'll get to
know him a lot more
2662
01:53:24,995 --> 01:53:26,298
in the next few months...
2663
01:53:27,499 --> 01:53:30,132
'Cause he's gonna be right by
my side on my campaign trail.
2664
01:53:30,134 --> 01:53:31,836
(ALL CHEERING)
2665
01:53:35,039 --> 01:53:36,374
(CHEERING LOUDER)
2666
01:53:40,778 --> 01:53:42,646
Wakanda Forever!
2667
01:53:50,854 --> 01:53:53,122
Charlotte! Charlotte!
2668
01:53:53,124 --> 01:53:55,725
ALL: (CHANTING)
Charlotte! Charlotte!
2669
01:53:56,893 --> 01:53:58,360
LANCE: I started the chant!
2670
01:53:58,362 --> 01:54:00,297
I started that chant!
2671
01:54:04,034 --> 01:54:05,733
...that I will
faithfully execute
2672
01:54:05,735 --> 01:54:08,971
the office of the president
of the United States.
2673
01:54:08,973 --> 01:54:10,339
REPORTER:
What a momentous day,
2674
01:54:10,341 --> 01:54:11,839
our first female president.
2675
01:54:11,841 --> 01:54:13,774
I never thought I'd see it.
2676
01:54:13,776 --> 01:54:15,477
Well, I mean, a lot of people
are gonna say
2677
01:54:15,479 --> 01:54:17,479
this is a historic moment
for women everywhere,
2678
01:54:17,481 --> 01:54:19,747
but do we really want
her finger on the button
2679
01:54:19,749 --> 01:54:21,083
when it's that time
of the month?
2680
01:54:21,085 --> 01:54:22,951
I wouldn't want
my wife making any decision
2681
01:54:22,953 --> 01:54:24,286
during that time
of the month.
2682
01:54:24,288 --> 01:54:26,121
You know what?
Fuck you guys. I quit.
2683
01:54:26,123 --> 01:54:27,722
Looks like it's someone's
time of the month.
2684
01:54:27,724 --> 01:54:29,258
- (LAUGHS) Oh!
- Looks like Aunt Flow
2685
01:54:29,260 --> 01:54:31,126
is going to work down at
the Red River Casino... Oh!
2686
01:54:31,128 --> 01:54:32,361
Jesus Christ!
Quick, quick, cut!
2687
01:54:32,363 --> 01:54:36,731
Hi! I'm the First Mister of
the United States of America.
2688
01:54:36,733 --> 01:54:38,200
My name is Fred Field.
2689
01:54:38,202 --> 01:54:39,368
I took my wife's last name.
2690
01:54:39,370 --> 01:54:43,438
And, uh, I'm gonna give you
a tour of the White House.
2691
01:54:43,440 --> 01:54:46,408
We're starting with the
portraits of the first spouses.
2692
01:54:46,410 --> 01:54:48,277
Here we have
Mamie Eisenhower.
2693
01:54:48,279 --> 01:54:49,344
Jackie Kennedy.
2694
01:54:49,346 --> 01:54:52,181
We have the beautiful
Lady Bird Johnson's portrait.
2695
01:54:52,183 --> 01:54:54,917
And that leads us
into my portrait.
2696
01:54:54,919 --> 01:54:57,186
It was painted by
Todd McFarlane,
2697
01:54:57,188 --> 01:54:59,755
who created the Spawn comics,
of course.
2698
01:54:59,757 --> 01:55:01,425
The first versions
were a little over the top.
2699
01:55:03,160 --> 01:55:05,227
Hi, guys.
2700
01:55:05,229 --> 01:55:07,095
FRED: I used to think the best
way for me to change the world,
2701
01:55:07,097 --> 01:55:08,996
to make it a better place
was through journalism.
2702
01:55:08,998 --> 01:55:10,464
Then I realized
that's not at all the case.
2703
01:55:10,466 --> 01:55:14,068
Really, the best thing I could
be doing for the world
2704
01:55:14,070 --> 01:55:17,071
is just supporting
this amazing person
2705
01:55:17,073 --> 01:55:18,873
and just trying to
learn from her
2706
01:55:18,875 --> 01:55:20,408
and kinda just trying to be
2707
01:55:20,410 --> 01:55:22,944
the best first mister
I can be.
2708
01:55:22,946 --> 01:55:25,513
I actually got a tattoo
of the first mister insignia.
2709
01:55:25,515 --> 01:55:28,316
- He did.
- There we are.
2710
01:55:28,318 --> 01:55:29,483
CHARLOTTE:
You're wearing mittens.
2711
01:55:29,485 --> 01:55:30,885
FRED: Got little mittens on.
2712
01:55:30,887 --> 01:55:33,387
If you think of where this tattoo
started to where it ended up.
2713
01:55:33,389 --> 01:55:35,323
It really has
an amazing arc to it.
2714
01:55:35,325 --> 01:55:38,259
INTERVIEWER: What are some of
the perks of your new roles?
2715
01:55:38,261 --> 01:55:41,563
Well, I finally get to enact
my vision for America.
2716
01:55:41,565 --> 01:55:43,798
I finally got to find out
who killed Kennedy.
2717
01:55:43,800 --> 01:55:45,032
- Oh, my God. Don't you dare.
- I won't say.
2718
01:55:45,034 --> 01:55:46,200
- Don't.
- I won't say.
2719
01:55:46,202 --> 01:55:47,301
Fred, I'm not
kidding around.
2720
01:55:47,303 --> 01:55:48,369
It's not who you think!
2721
01:55:48,371 --> 01:55:49,904
Don't do it.
2722
01:55:49,906 --> 01:55:50,974
It's pretty surprising.
2723
01:55:51,908 --> 01:55:53,407
He's my Mister.
2724
01:55:53,409 --> 01:55:56,045
I'm her Mister.
And she's my president.
2725
01:55:59,083 --> 01:56:04,083
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
186999
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.