All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S07E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10-eng

-Morning. What are you...?
-Shh, shh, shh.

It's so quiet you can hear
the bacon sizzling. Listen.

What? What?

No, no.

(laughing):
I would never crumble you up

and put you into a salad.

Oh, bacon talks to me, baby.

You know what?
I feel I've walked in

on something-- I can leave.

No, no, no. Stick around.
Enjoy the peace and quiet.

This house has never been
this empty.

Face it, I think we've made
too many people.

Kyle and Mandy are hardly
ever around.

Sometimes I just think
it's too quiet.

Nah, it's not too quiet.

Tonight, I'm making fajitas.

They tend to get pretty chatty.

No, we have the NSE fundraiser
tonight, remember?

The annual meet and greet

with the, uh,
foreign exchange students.

Are they still doing that?

With all that talk of
a travel ban and a big wall,

you'd think
they'd just stay out.

Oh, come on. Come on.

You know how important
the NSE is to me.

That semester I spent
in Rio De Janeiro,

it changed my life.

-I know.
The people, the culture.
-Mmm.

That big statue of Jesus
you thought

was watching you the whole time.

Hey, those eyes followed me
everywhere I went.

And if it wasn't Jesus,
I'd say it was creepy.

And my host family
was so nice.

They kind of had to be,
didn't they?

-Mm.
-Yeah.

A natural blonde family
in Brazil.

(coughs) Escaped Nazis.

Oh, stop it.

You know what? Fine. Fine.
I will go by myself,

but I am taking the checkbook.

It knows how to talk, too.

In fact, I'm gonna make it sing.

Just remember, when you're
signing those checks,

Jesus is watching.

And he doesn't like show-offs.

*

Hi, there.

I'm, uh, I'm Vanessa.

A little old for high school,
aren't you?

-I'm Jen.
-Oh, uh...

Well, it's-it's nice
to meet you.

And, uh, where are-are you from?

Hong Kong. I was accepted into
the program for next semester,

so my father and I are here
meeting families.

Well, I did my semester in Rio,
which, uh,

I chose mostly because of
the Duran Duran song.

I only wanted to study
in Colorado.

I have a poster of Pikes Peak
in my bedroom.

Oh, not Justin Bieber?

Yuk, please.
Is he made of pink granite?

Oh.

I want to be a geologist.

Wh...? (laughs)

Uh... I'm-- I-I'm a geologist.

That is so cool.

I want to get a degree
in earth sciences

so I could teach someday.

I taught science.

Um, so-so I guess you want

to do something
for the "crater" good?

It's a joke. 'Cause...

-A good one.
-Good?

I love geology puns.

(laughs) My "sediments" exactly.

(laughs) I never take them
for "granite."

(both laugh)

You guys better get going.

-Boyd's practice ends at 8:00.
-Yeah.

Thank you guys for picking
him up this week.

I mean, Kris has been
pulling doubles

and I'm swamped at
the dispensary.

Oh, yeah. How is the...

(whispering):
...marijuana business?

(whispering):
Legal.

You don't have to whisper.

(whispering):
I like to whisper.

It's the only reason
I watch golf.

I can't wait for Boyd's update
on Danielle.

I remember the first crush
a boy had on me.

I like to think
he never married.

Uh, Boyd has a crush
on somebody?

Oh, Danielle?
In his math class?

Smells like cherries?

You guys didn't know about this?

I'm sure Boyd's been meaning
to tell you.

Oh, yeah, I mean, he tells us,
like, so much stuff, so...

Oh, did he tell you about
that fight that Paul

and Chris got into 'cause they
had the same backpacks?

(laughing) That was so funny.

Chris broke Paul's nose.

No, that's the part we agreed
was not funny.

-Well?
-Oh, hey.

How was the fundraiser?
Are we broke?

(laughs)

It was magical,
and you'll be happy to know

I didn't give them any money.

Good so far.

Because what they really need

are places for
the exchange students to stay.

And you just jumped off a cliff.

Honey, I met this really sweet
girl from Hong Kong named Jen.

She is absolutely amazing.

We had so much in common.

What, uh, she's married
to a wonderful man

who likes his life
just the way it is?

Honey...

what-what if we
were to offer Jen

a place to stay next semester?

Let's think about that.

Nope.

A student from another country
needs a home

and your response is "nope"?

Yep.

Honey, c-- it's just
for a semester.

We are this close to having
the house by ourselves.

You want to ruin that?

You've been really busy at work

and-and-and it might be nice to
have somebody else around here.

You know, I mean, not everybody
can talk to bacon.

All right, look at it this way.
We got four bathrooms.

That's two a piece. You could
have the crapper down here

-just for your decorative soaps.
-Oh, come on.

All I'm asking is
to have dinner with Jen

and her dad so we can meet them.

I'm just not that interested
in this.

All right, well, uh,
I hear what you're saying...

-and I understand your concerns.
-Good, good. Excellent.

But no.

What... What do you mean "no"?

I want this,
so I am overruling you.

You can do that?

I can, I can.

I am going to invite Jen
and her dad here

for dinner tomorrow night.

And you will be sweet
and nonconfrontational.

And-and you won't bring up
things like "snowflake"

or "Benghazi"

or "Deflategate."

They're all connected.

-Mikey, join, come on,
have a drink. Come on.
-Yeah, come on.

You know, Ed, when you said
you were gonna retire,

I-I thought you were gonna do
this at home.

What can I tell you?
I missed my friends. Come on.

You've been gone two days.

Hey, join some real men
for drinks, okay?

Ed's making fuzzy navels.

Yeah, nothing says
"real men drinking"

like peach schnapps
and an orange wedge.

Listen, I'm heading home.

I'm gonna do a meet and greet
with Vanessa

and a foreign exchange student.

(laughing) Oh, oh,
this is priceless.

Mike Baxter is hosting
a foreign exchange student.

No, no, no, no, no. Vanessa
invited them to come meet us.

And I'm married to Vanessa.

Translation, translation,
when Vanessa says "jump,"

Mike says "how high?"

(laughs) You know, Joe,
I'm gonna let that go by,

because I know you're
three peaches to the wind.

When any of my wives
wanted to do something

that I was against,
I said "No, no, no, no, no."

-Did you really?
-Yep.

That's why you're in the
Divorce Attorney's Hall of Fame.

I make sacrifices for my wife,
okay?

And if that means sitting
quietly at dinner

with this girl
and her father,

then that's
what I'm going to do.

You mean you have to make
a good impression on them?

-Yes, yes.
-Okay, your worries are over.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh-oh, it means you

have never had the pleasure
of meeting you.

At tonight's dinner I'm gonna be
pleasant and nonconfrontational.

It wouldn't matter,
it's in the eyes...

the opinion, the anger,

the howling emptiness.

You know, Joe,
don't take this personally,

but I-I don't like you.

See, there's the Mike Baxter
we know,

and the only Mike Baxter
you can be.

Look, I'm gonna enjoy
a nice, quiet evening

at my home with my wife
and her guests.

You guys enjoy your
sorority mixer, huh?

Joke's on him. I'm gonna go puke
in his office.

Why didn't you tell us about
your little friend Danielle?

There's nothing to tell.

I think when someone smells like
cherries it's newsworthy.

You know, honey, I'd love to
hear about what you're up to.

And not just from Kyle
and Mandy.

When I tell them stuff, they
don't make a big deal about it.

I won't make a big deal.
I promise.

Okay.

Uh, she's coming over tomorrow
to do homework.

(gasps) That is so cute!
(laughs)

I mean, not cute.

I mean super normal.

Please, Mom, don't embarrass me.

And no pictures.

Deal.

Can I take one now, though?

'Cause this is kind of a really
special moment for me.

(sighs) Fine.

(squeals)

-That's what I'm talking about.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Those mixed nuts
are for our guests.

I had one cashew.

A cashew? Honey, I'm trying
to make a good impression here.

J-- Eat the hazelnuts.

Nobody eats the hazelnuts, why
do they even put 'em in there?

-(doorbell rings)
-Oh, that's them.

Uh, listen, honey, uh, remember:
be nice.

I don't need to be reminded
to be... All right.

Hey, welcome.

-Hi. Come on in.
-Hello. Thank you. Thank you.

Mr. Zhen, uh, I'm Mike Baxter.
Ni hao, Huanyíng.

Please, call me Henry.

-Cantonese and Mandarin.
-Yeah.

-That's very good.
-Thank you.

Well, Mike knows how to say
"hello," "good-bye"

and "where's the bathroom"
in several languages.

Your wife says
you also talk to bacon.

That's 'cause bacon
can keep a secret.

-Come on in, guys.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.

So, um, Henry, this is
your first time to Colorado?

Uh, yes, uh,
but I'm a civil engineer,

so I often visit other cities...

-Uh-huh.
-to, uh... Ooh.

Uh, to study infrastructure,
you know, bridges, roads.

Well, you'll learn a lot
here in Denver.

We invented road rage
and the pothole.

Forgive me for saying so,

but I can't understand
how such a wealthy country

has such poorly
maintained roads.

I'll tell you why,
because we have

-a government just full of...
-Nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh.

Our government is full
of dedicated men and women

doing their best, God bless 'em.

Well said. You get a cashew.

No, thanks. I prefer hazelnuts.

Uh, I'm gonna go
check on dinner.

-Jen, you want
to give me a hand?
-Yes.

Daddy?

(speaking Cantonese)

She told me
not to embarrass her.

(laughs):
I don't know those words,

but I've heard that music.

So... so, uh,
I don't know if you know,

but I own
a large outdoor equipment

and sporting goods store
here in town.

-Yes, Outdoor Man.
I've heard this.
-Yes.

Excellent.
If you have some time, stop by

and I'll show you the facility.

Oh, I'd be honored.

Has your president's trade war
affected your business?

I read that because
of his aluminum tariffs,

boat prices have gone up.

Hmm.

Well, the important thing
about boats

is that th-they're able
to float.

Speaking of your president...

(groans)

...it's hard for people
outside of the United States

to understand
how he beat Mrs. Clinton

in your last election.

(mouths)

She had more experience, right?

Uh, people say that.

And more votes, too?

Wh... Ow.

I literally
have just bitten my tongue.

H-How's it going
in there, honey?

-VANESSA: Three minutes!
-Okay.

You know, why don't we see
how the women are doing?

Gladly.

Oh, but before we eat...

(speaking Cantonese)

Right. Right in there,

and there's matches
right by the toilet.

I think Jen would fit right in
at Woodbridge High.

All three of our girls
went there.

There's a geology club, Dad.

Mrs. Baxter said
I would love it.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

-I said you would "lava" it.
-(laughs)

(laughs) I'm, uh, kind of famous
for my wordplay.

(laughs)

(phone dings)

Oh, I'm so sorry,
but our ride is here.

-We have to go, Jen.
-But I want to help clean up.

Oh, no, no, we've got it.

That's very sweet
of you, though. Thanks.

-That was so much fun, Vanessa.
-Oh. (chuckles)

Nice to meet you, Mr. Baxter.

-It was a pleasure to meet you.
-(chuckles)

Again, thank you for making
my daughter feel so welcome.

She's a wonderful little girl.

And, uh, if you have
any questions

while you're making
your decision,

please feel free to call.

-I've already made my decision.
-MIKE: Ah.

Jen will not be staying here.

I'm sorry. Good night.

He must have already
made up his mind.

You know, that has to be it,
because I think we were great.

Honey, we've been over this,
all right?

You didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't do anything wrong.

We-- I in particular--
didn't do anything wrong.

I know I'm a broken record,
but I just...

I can't let it go.
I really liked that girl.

Well, truth be told,

-I liked her, too.
-Yeah.

If it means that much to you,

maybe we should try
to get another exchange student.

No, I don't want
a different student.

Oh, thank God.

I just feel like I had
a real connection with her.

And not just because of the puns
and the geology.

I know it's crazy, but...

I just feel
like this girl needs me.

Like-like I could make
a real difference in her life.

-You just can't stop
being a mother, can you?
-No.

I don't want to.

(sighs) But thanks to her dad,

I guess I don't have a choice.

RYAN:
Can you believe this?

Our little boy
is having a girl over.

The next thing you know,
we are gonna be doing

the father-son dance
at his wedding.

Ryan, stop, okay?

We are not allowed to be excited
about this.

He's growing up,

-and we need to start
treating him like it.
-I know.

-I know.
-Hmm.

But it is so cool, right?

It's the coolest thing
that's ever happened!

(laughs)

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Yay, you're both here.

Don't worry, Boyd.

Your dad and I
are gonna give you your space

-while you do your homework
with Danielle.
-Yeah.

(laughs): We're gonna be chill.
Super chill.

-(phone chimes)
-Okay, she's almost here.

Remember, no one
is going to embarrass me.

Of course not.

And I would ask you this
even if you were an adult:

-are you sure you don't want
any juice or apple slices?
-Mom!

-Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
We'll butt out.
-Come on.

-Hang on.
-What's wrong?

It's just my hands
are kind of sweaty.

It's hard to swallow.

Boyd, take a deep breath,
okay? Relax.

-Remember, this is no big deal.
-Yeah, honey.

You're not a little boy anymore.
You're growing up.

We know you can handle this.

You think so?

I know so.

Okay. I got this.

RYAN:
Come on.

She changed clothes.
Why would she do that?

Stall her.
I have to gel my hair.

Oh, look at that.
He's still our little boy.

Yeah, I was recording
that whole thing.

Yes.

HENRY:
I must say,

Mike, I was surprised
you were still willing

to give me a tour
of Outdoor Man.

Well, a promise is a promise.

Why won't you let Jen stay
with us?

(sighs)

-This is why I'm here.
-Is it...

is it my wife, Vanessa?

Or the-- or the bad puns?

Hazelnuts.

-No, Vanessa is delightful.
-Yeah?

Frankly, I said no
because of you.

I w-was nothing but polite.

Exactly.

You strike me as weak
and afraid of confrontation.

And you also seem
to have no opinions

on how your country is run.

Oh, no!

Whoa! Hey, hey, Chuck?

-Are you out there?
Could you step in here a minute?
-Ah.

This is Chuck Larabee,
the head of our security.

-Mr. Zhen.
-Oh, oh.

Your daughter's
the foreign exchange student.

-Yes.
-Yeah. Hey.

(stammers)
Describe Mike Baxter to him.

(sighs)

-Mike Baxter is a lovely man.
-No.

No, no, the real...
the real Mike Baxter.

Oh, okay. He's warm and gentle.

Come on. Ed, Ed,
hold on a second.

Ed Alzate. He's the owner,

-actually, of the store here.
-Okay.

-Mr. Zhen, this is Ed Alzate.
-Yes. Yes.

Oh, how do you do, sir?
Yes. Pleasure, yeah.

-He says I'm easygoing.
-Mm-hmm.

-Okay?
-Well, it's true.

I haven't heard him
raise his voice in 30 years.

Hey, hey, hey.
I need the real truth here.

Vanessa's gonna lose
the exchange student

'cause this guy
thinks I'm a pushover.

Oh.

Okay. (clears throat)

Okay.

He's a real bastard.

Loud, pushy, mean.

Beats you to death
with his opinions.

Constantly. All the time.
With everyone.

Yeah. (stammers)
And he's cheap, too.

-Yeah.
-That's right.

-He charges for coffee...
-Yeah.

Okay, all right.
We get the idea.

Thanks guys, thanks.
It's good.

ED:
He doesn't pay overtime, either.

Look, the other night,
I was just being polite.

I have opinions
about everything.

Our roads suck because
our government sucks!

Mike Baxter.

Okay, clearly you are not weak.

Thank you.
So can Jen stay with us?

No. You're too rigid.

Too rigid, too weak.
What are you trying to do here?

(stammers) I don't have
to give you a reason why

I-I want my daughter home.

You... You don't have
a problem with me.

You don't want her
to be away from you.

(sighs)

Yes.

(groans)

I'm the weak one.

No, you're not.
You're just being a dad.

Kid wants to leave home,
it's a drag.

Believe me, I know.

You know, Jen lost her mother
when she was ten.

It's just been
the two of us, and...

I'm afraid for her to be
so far away from me.

I-I know I want what's best for
her, but I... I have doubts.

I've spent, actually,
a lot of time in China,

and there was a proverb I once
heard that meant a lot to me.

It said, "Deep doubts,
deep wisdom."

And you wouldn't be a good dad
if you didn't have deep doubts.

I just think it's our job
to let our kids

follow their own dreams.

(chuckles) I know this
in my head, but...

If you want her to experience
a good mother,

there's no better mother
than my wife Vanessa.

You, sir, are a terrible,
horrible, angry dictator!

I think it would be good for Jen
to stay with you.

See that? I did it! I did it!
(yells)

So, so one tectonic plate says
to the other one,

-"I'm sorry, that was..."
-BOTH: "My fault."

(laughing)

Hey, guys. So...

one last meal
before you head home?

I am so glad you'll be
staying with us.

Yes, my father and I will be
flying home tomorrow,

but I can't wait
for next semester.

Good, good, good. You know,
just to let you know that

that really wasn't me
last night, I...

I have a lot more attitude.

Well, just to let you know,

that wasn't the real me
last night, either.

You know, there's an
American expression I love:

"A man's home is his castle."

I prefer an ancient
Chinese expression:

"Man does not control
his own fate;

the women in his life
do it for him."

Good-bye, peaceful kitchen.

Hello, hellscape of bad puns
and estrogen.

So I guess you put the "Jen"
into estroJen.

(laughing)

And so it begins.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH