All language subtitles for Dead Pixels - 01x01 - Bears.MTB.English

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Sorry, I've got to get that.

Hello?
The castle's on fire.

Blackfinger, Meg!
Blackfinger is on fire!

OK, man the defences, catapults,
arches, fill the meadow hall
with some quicklime.

No, Meg! You need to get online
right now!

Well, I can't right now
because I'm at badminton.

You're at badminton?
The racket sport of badminton?

Yes, Nicky, because Alison set me up
on a date with a man called Dale

and I am this close.
Seriously, I can sniff dicks.

I see.
Well, while you're up to your gills

in dicks and pubes and scrota,

we are under siege.

It's those kids from South Korea.
They're back.

Nicky, this is my first
night off in two months.

And which do you think is more
important, Meg,

a game of badminton
or a fucking castle?

Blackfinger and everything
it offers us strategically.

Argh!

Meg, is everything all right?
Yes, it's fine, thank you, Alison.

It's not fine though, is it, Meg?
What am I supposed to tell them?

Tell them your fucking castle's
on fire!

I not saying those words.

They're stealing all our stuff, Meg,
our weapons, our gold.

We'll have to grind,
grind it all back.

No, I'm going. Bye, Nicky.

Oh!

I'm really sorry.
That was my mum, erm...

There's been a fire and...
Sorry, your mum's on fire?

No, she's not!
We don't think so.

I'm really sorry.

It's a fire.

Obviously, that's ruined, Dale.

That's another whole area of town
that I can't set foot in ever again,

because I really quite strongly
implied that my mum burned to death.

This is what happens out there.
You're essentially Icarus

and you flew too close to the sun

with your wings made
from badminton rackets.

Might as well just face it, my
vagina is like a rare Penny Black.

It is never getting licked.

Well, the best thing
you can do now is just grind.

Grind it out, Meg.
Succumb unto the grind.

They are moreish.

The sensation of clubbing
brown bears is...

It's just moreish!
You're loving this, aren't you?

This is basically your favourite
bit, the drudgery,

hitting animals with cudgels.

So sorry, Meg. It's just hard to
hear you over the deafening screams

of all these bears.

Popsicle Mybutt reporting
for business. What's happening?

Usman, where were you last night?
I was skyping you.

I bet. My wife's out of town
so I'm in charge of childcare.

Well, while you were in charge
of childcare and Meg

was at badminton, I got fucked
to death by Korean super-children.

We lost Blackfinger.
Oh, Jesus Christ, no!

Not again!
Daddy, can you do my eye drops?

Not now, honey. Daddy's busy!
So now what do we do?

Same as always, we grind
until we've got the gold

to buy it back.

You know, whenever we do this,
I always think of Paddington!

Computer, phone.
Phone comes with, does it?

OK, nobody panic, but there's
a new guy in the office.

He's here right now. He's like ten
metres away and he is hot as balls.

Oh, boys, I am feeling
a stirring in the nubbin.

Oh, geez, not the nubbin.

I'm telling you, my female gonad
has awakened from its slumbers.

Wow, that was a quick
slumber, wasn't it?

OK, he just smiled at me. It's on.

I just licked my lips.
You licked your lips?

I was looking right at him
and I licked my lips.

It depends.
It either makes you look horny
or like a cannibal.

Small lick is fine,
large lick is insane.

That would make you look insane.
I'm fine then.

Clearly blown it.

So... Oh, right, he's coming over.
It's back on. It's back on.

Hi, Russell.
I'm the new guy.

Just thought I should come
Eh, Meg, Megan.

But you can call me Meg or Megan.
Preferably Meg.

No-one calls me Megan.
My nan - she died, Halloween.

Unrelated. It's not like someone
scared her to death.

Pneumonia.
Which I've always thought is ironic,

cos it kills off so many old people,
but they should call it...

..oldmonia.

Whatever you do, do
not lick your lips.

So, yeah, it's the first day.
I'm just like, where is everything?

I couldn't find the kettle.

I mean it, Meg, no licking of lips.

So I bought a coffee from the
machine, but it swallowed my money,

and now I'm getting quite thirsty.

Don't lick them, Meg!
Hold your tongue!

There's actually a bigger kitchen
just through that way.

Are you playing a bloody game
on there?!

On my lunch break, I'm playing it
on my lunch break!

It's got fucking dragons in it!
It has wyverns, yeah.
It's Kingdom Scrolls.

It's basically Final Fantasy online
for people who aren't
pompous fuckheads.

Can I have a quick wazz?
I'd rather you didn't!

Wazz! It's just basically
like me coming round to your house

and asking to use your toothbrush.
Just... Ah, urgh!

Yeah, no, sure.

You could create your own character.

Can I be a dragon?
You can be a spider rider,

Oh! Yeah, I'd
bloody love to ride a bloody spider!

I'll send you a link.

Cool, I'll see you on there.

Boys, I have a date.
You have a date?

What, like an American woman
in an American film, like Meg Ryan

in You've Got An E-mail?
Right, you keep grinding.

I'm hitting the bogs,
because I'm in the mood

for some rubbin' of the nubbin.

Maybe I could take him up
to the top of Greycloud,

show him the view out
over the Twisted Heath.

I tell you where's romantic,
the Lake of Corpses.

I'm not taking him there!
Nicky, I want this guy to stomp me.

I want him to demolish
my entire downtown area.

I want him to gentrify me.

Shit!

Oh, no, he's doing it again.
Who?

The man, with the sponge and thing!

He's like two feet away.
He's cleaning my window.

Oh, God, he's judging me
so hard right now.

The withered man at his keyboard.

The meat lump on a swivel chair.
This is absolutely intolerable.

Just pull the curtain then.
I can't, he'll see.

Maybe if I do it...

..really slowly?

Nice and gently.

Just going to ease the curtain over.

Easy does it.

OK, he's staring at me. Too late.

Nearly over now!

And it's done. I've successfully
closed the curtains

on my feelings of inadequacy.

So here's the thing they never
tell you about childcare -

Oh, yeah?

It's essentially the easiest
thing I've ever done.

I've got one doing homework
and one in the playpen.

Wait, she's there with you now?
It's OK. She can't see the screen.

She's in her cot with the bars
and the lid.

I made a lid for the cot
out of some plywood.

It's for her own safety,
just to stop her climbing out.

She's a climber, that one!
BABY LAUGHS

She's in a cot with a lid?!

She's basically in a cage!
It's not a cage.

Does sound quite cagey.
OK, can we stop calling it a cage?

It's a playpen with a lid.
Daddy, I can't see my homework.

My eyes are all itchy.

Two seconds, honey.
Just keep blinking.

Hello, giant green slag.

Chatting, right.

Can we help you, love?

Meg, it's me, Russell from work.

Oh!

You made a woman!
You're a massive woman!

I know! I'm a massive woman.

I'm basically the biggest
possible woman.

I love this game!

Quack, quack, quack,
I'm a giant running woman!

Oh, boy, we have a casual among us.

Wait, my mouth's
moving when I speak. Amazing!

How does it do that? How does
it know what I'm going to say?

No, it does.
Look... Look at me.

I'm talking. I'm talking.

I'm talking, I'm talking!

I'm talking, I'm talking!

I'm talking! I'm talking!

It's just flaps.

The mouth just flaps regardless.

Because I can say, "I'd like
a ham bagel", or I can say,

"I'm dying of throat cancer",
and it's exactly the same.

Look at the sun!

Look at the other sun!

Look at the plants!

Look at that plant!

Mushrooms? It's got bloody mushrooms
in it!

Oh, my God. If you sheath your
weapon and unsheathe it again,
it looks like wanking.

Ha-ha!

Oh, brother, another genius
who discovers wanking hands

and thinks he's Thomas Edison.

Er, actually, could
you just stop doing that?

We just tend to take a very dim view
on it as a community.

So what are we doing?
Long view.

The citadel's fallen into the hands
of the Red Scorn and their leader,

the Hive Mother, has banished
all dissident factions,

so that's your hunchbacks,
that's your humans,

that's your Amazonians,
to the outer rim,

where we've formed into a rebel
alliance known as the J-Knot,

headed up by a charismatic
but itinerant barbarian

by the name of Tannadal Quan.

But now the Hive Mother's
on the throne, so politically,
the Night Kingdom is just roiling.

It's a powderkeg. It's just...

..roiling!

So what we doing?
We're grinding.

We're repetitiously slaying
low-level brown bears in exchange

for very small amounts of gold.

It's essentially factory work.
Why are we doing that?

To buy our castle back. Also, when I
have crucifixion experience points,

XP, I'll level up, and there'll be
a little red banner on screen

and a tinging sound, and
it'll trigger a tiny dopamine rush

in the mesolimbic pathway
of my frontal lobes and,

for that second, I will momentarily
forget about death.

Quack, quack, quack,
I'm a giant wanking woman!

HE LAUGHS

Meg, private chat, please.

He's a fucking moron!
He's not a fucking moron.

Meg, he made a tower of cows.

HE LAUGHS

It's a...

He is a fucking moron,
but I still want to shag him.

Meg, he's a casual, one of them,
Candy Crush with VR headsets.

He's a clacker.
OK, he's not a clacker.

Just going to activate
his voice channel for a second.

I want you to listen
to the clacking.

HE MAKES CLACKING NOISES

Oh, God, it hurts me!

See?
He's a filthy newbie clacksman!

Fine, he's a clacksman.
He still has meat between his legs.

He's still sitting on a potential
food source, valuable zinc deposits.

Look at him, running around,
enjoying it.

What is this, an arcade game?

Are we playing Outrun in an arcade
and drinking Coke and laughing?

Maybe it's about time
we had some fun for a change.

Listen to yourself, Meg!

Oh, anyway,
why can't I fuck a moron?!

Men fuck stupid women all of the
time. That's like their whole thing.

You don't hear men like, "Oh, she's
really hot. I'm just a bit worried

"that she hasn't read the classics."

No, I have a God-given
right to fuck morons!

Wait, the monocle.
Where did he get the monocle?

He must have bought it.
No way he unlocked that already.

He bought the monocle?

That's like £20 of money,

20 actual money pounds.

Holy shit, he's just
bought the tri-wing!

Jesus Christ, this guy's loaded.

Guys, I just had
a potentially unpleasant idea.

I'm all ears.
I'm literally one giant ear.

We murder the clacksman.

MEG SIGHS

Alison, can I ask you something?
Hmm.

So I met a guy at work
who I like, in the sense

that I want to smash
myself relentlessly

into his privates.

But he started playing
Kingdom Scrolls and he's quite

annoying so now I'm thinking
about maybe killing him and stealing

all of his gold so we could buy some
really cool weapons.

Sorry, killing him?
Oh.

In
a cave.

With ham...

With hammers?

Stealthy, also more visceral.
Yeah, OK, with hammers.

Right, so what was it
you wanted to ask me exactly?

I don't know, really, it's just good
to get another brain on it.

No, sure. Because it sounds a bit -
and I am just floating this here -

a bit horrible?

It's just a game, though.

I still want to shag him.

I just think you might be sending
a mixed message there, Meg.

"I know I killed you in a cave
with a hammer, but let's
go to Prezzo."

Yeah, but we have to grind a lot,
Alison, and this guy's got tonnes

of gold. So if we rob him,
I could buy a new shield,

level up more quickly, get back
to the citadel, but also you do

need to feed the beast
in the basement, Alison,

because she needs her nutrients
and she is growling.

On the other hand, a new shield,
something with actual

frost resistance and everything
that offers me strategically...

I see your dilemma, there.

It's a real bean scratcher.

But basically you're saying I should
just gank him and see what happens?

I don't think I'm
saying gank him, no.

Great. Thank you, Alison.

MEG SIGHS
Did you..?

Did you just sneer at my dinner?

No, I just looked at it.

Yeah. OK, Alison, I believe you.

Meg, what do you think about the
What flute?

I'm thinking of learning
to play the flute.

You really want to know
Mmm.

I think it's a colossal waste of
Thanks, Meg.

Heads up, just
locked back in.

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

DOOR SLAMS

Enjoy your dinner.

Meg, get him on the
chat.

Russell, how's it going?

I'm riding a dragon
and I'm wearing a crown.

I'm having a terrible time.

I'm not, that was a joke, I love it!

So I was thinking we could head
down to the Cave of Souls.

Yeah, I heard there was maybe some
treasure down there.

I heard that too,
and a big golden sword.

I need a sword.

What are we waiting for, guys, let's
go.

Why have you all got all hammers?

Oh, we were just doing a bit of DIY.

Ooh.

So, Russell, did you maybe
want to get coffee sometime?

Like Wednesday?

Erm... OK, then.

Great, let's log that in the diary
immediately regardless

of what may or may not
be about to happen.

That is logged in the diary.

Well, here we are.

It's a treasure hunt.

Where's all the treasure?

Oh, maybe it's under this rock.

OK, who wants to start?
Me.

GIRL: Daddy, my eyes are weeping.

No, but that's good, sweet pea!

That's the eye washing itself.

OK, where were we?

GIRL: I can't open my eye, Daddy.

Usman, do you need to go?

It's fine, she gets it,
she totally gets it.

GIRL: I'm trying to do my
own eye drops, Daddy,

but they're just running all over my
face.

Oh, boy, when is my
fricking wife home?

I have to go.

I'm truly sorry.

Enjoy.

God, this is a really hard treasure
hunt because I can not

see it anywhere.

Oh, yeah, that's weird, isn't it?

Now!

Argh!

What's happening?

Urgh!

Urgh!

Why are you hitting me with hammers?

Why isn't he dying?!

Aim for his head, he'll die quicker.

Can you hear me?

I think you're hitting me.

Put your hands down!
Stop defending yourself,

you're making it worse!

Why are you hitting me?!

You should stop that, really.

MEG GROANS

Urgh.

Grab his stuff.

Yeah, he's got gold, get the gold.

I think he had potions.

Why are you taking my things?!

Why is he still on the chat?!

Ignore him, just get the stuff.

Do I take his shoes?

Take everything!
OK, let's just go.

Oh, fuck!

Right. Well, bye, then, Meg.

I guess I'll see you at work.

That's a pity.

KETTLE BURBLES

So, how did it go last night?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Got the gold, bought a new shield.

All is good within the hood.

So you did it then?

You murdered that man?

That we did, that we did.

Well done.

I thank you.

And how did he take it?

The murder?

On the chin, overall.
Hmm.

I mean, he sounded quite upset,
but I think he was just doing

that to try and get us to stop.
Right.

And, I mean, the game lets
you do it, so how horrible

Hmm.

Although I have walked
in on you hacking up old women.

Yeah, but they're hags, to be
fair.

Yeah, no, sure.

Hags.

Plus we've all done horrible things.

Haven't we, Alison?

Because I seem to remember
you calling Mrs Tully, quote,

"A fat shit."

In primary school, Meg.
What?

I'm just saying, Alison,
we've all done stuff.

All of us.

Yeah, I'd already
bought it when I asked you.

Whoo.

So you're just going
to do it, are you?

Learn the flute?

Nah, go for it.

I mean, you are already bilingual,
nice car, hot boyfriend, why not?

Good luck.

Because you'll fucking need it.

DOOR SLAMS

TUNEFUL SOUND

Ah! Oh.

NICKY LAUGHS

"Ooh, shall I take his shoes?!"

I can't believe I took his shoes!

NICKY LAUGHS

Oh, wait, here he comes.
Morning, Russell.

How's your head this morning?

Probably got some dents in it, I
imagine.

Probably got some dents in it, I
From all the hammering.

Good one!

Did he laugh?

No.

He did not laugh, no.

He actually looks quite sad.

Oh, right.

Hey-ho, another bridge burnt.

Anyhoo, back to the grind.

Meg?

Meg, hello?

Megan? Me-eg?

MEG!

Yeah, deal, megadeal.

I just did a megadeal.

I brought you a cup of water.

Has it got hammers in it?

Oh, come on, you're not seriously
in a mood about some stupid game?

What?! No, it's fine, I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for ganking
you and stealing your sandals.

I'll give it all back.

Even though we did win it all in
combat.

Seriously, it's OK because there is
one thing you should know about me,

is that I get mugged a lot.

Who gets mugged?
I'll tell you who.

Muggins, muggins gets muggings.

I once got mugged
in my own kitchen, Meg.

My own kitchen!

What a world we live in.

SCRAPING INSTRUMENTAL NOTE

OK, what are you doing?

I'm trying to kill a...

..sand crab with a banjo.

Why?

Erm, I'm starving,

and someone stole all my weapons.

Fine! I'll show you the basics, give
you a few combat lessons. Shift.

So what was the story about the
Red.

Red spawn, headed up by the hive
mother who is essentially a sort

of female Putin who sits
on a luminescent egg sac and she...

You're probably going to need a pen.
If you...

..just..

ANIMAL GROANS

THUDDING

Oh, my God!

That is the sweetest sound.

My wife is home.

Free at last, free at last!

Usman! What happened to her eye?!

Why is Caitlin in a box?!

OK. First of all, welcome home.

Second of all, that
is not a box, honey.

That is a cot with a lid.

So, Castle Black Finger
is ours once again.

I think we're almost ready, Nicky.

Ready to storm the citadel
and defeat the hive mother.

I mean, I guess we have
to because we made a vow.

Mmm, the sacred napkin.

I think maybe I've
still got it somewhere.

"We the undersigned do
solemnly swear to complete

Kingdom Scrolls together."

We're finally going to do it.

Two years and we're actually
going to finish the adventure.

This is the culmination
of everything.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, I need a tea! Whoo!

Do you want one?
OK.

OK, here comes his opening rush.

And it's gone.

And on with the grind.