All language subtitles for Cheers - S11E09 - Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.en

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hi, Miss Howe.

Hi, Kelly.

This... is for you.

For me?

What is it?

(gasps)

Oh, Kelly, this is beautiful.

Why me?

Because I like you and you've
always shown me friendship.

Well, that's sweet, Kelly.

Thank you.

And I want you to keep
your hands off my man.

Do we understand each other?

Not really.
(laughs)

Don't play dumb with me,
Miss Howe.

I invented it.

You know, Woody tells me
how you look at him.

Kelly, I don't look at him.

I know you do, Miss Howe,

and I'm prepared to buy you
one of these every month

if you keep away from my Woody.

Well, you know, Kelly,
he is awfully cute.

All right, one a week.

Do we have a deal?
Deal.

Do you know where Carla is?

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

(door opens)

A Scotch, please, Sam.

And how about a beer
for my friend Norm there?

Thank you, Fras.

You're certainly in
a chipper mood today.

And why not?
It's a beautiful day.

Yeah, good for you.

You know, it's amazing

how fast you've gotten
over your separation.

Well, a healthy mental
attitude- that's my secret.

Without that, you're nothing.

Ah, that's great, that's great.

You're completely over Lilith.

I'm sorry, who?

Lilith, your wife.

Never heard of the slut.

(door opens)

Big news, everybody.

Put down your beer mugs
and hold on to your barstools.

Me and Ma just got
a new neighbour,

moved into our
apartment building...

little guy,
about a hundred years old,

up from South America,
thick German accent,

little moustache
right about here.

Likes to paint.

I think you know
where I'm going with this.

Sweet Lord, I'll bet I do.

Yep, Adolf Hitler is living
in my apartment building.

Cliff, I don't even know
why I have to tell you this,

but Hitler is dead.

He died at the end of World
War II in that bunker.

Oh, yeah, really?

Were you at the bunker?

Yeah, as a
matter of fact... Cliff,

throughout the years, we've
become accustomed to your...

oh, how shall
I delicately put this?...

uh... madness.

Now, for my own peace of mind,
please assure me

that you're not going
to march up to this man

and accuse him
of being der Führer.

No, my accusations won't come

until after I complete
my investigation.

The case will be rock solid,

and it'd better be.

I-I've been wrong
twice before, you know.

Sa-am.

Wha-at?

I haven't been down here
since the fire.

By the way,
when are you going to rebuild?

We have.

Oh, well, and it looks very...

The reason I'm down here

is, last night our refrigerator

went on the fritz,

leaving us with a hundred pounds
of mackerel,

which may
or may not have gone bad.

Now, not wanting to take
a chance with my customers,

I'm prepared

to offer a special
to your patrons.

All-you-can-eat for two dollars.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
wait a second here.

What makes you think my
customers want your rotten fish?

NORM:
W-W-W-Wait, Sammy, wa-wa-wait now.

Uh... let's just
say, Mr. Hill,

that this, this
fish has spoiled.

Uh, what would happen to us?

Oh, you could suffer
a variety of symptoms

ranging from nausea to death.

Two bucks, you say?

Fair enough.

Oh, good, my package from
Amityville has arrived.

Ah, Miss Tortelli.

Tell me, is that a new hairdo

or did someone toss a toaster
in your bathtub?

(chuckling)

What am I saying?

What would you be doing
in a bathtub?

Cleaning you out of the drain.

Yeasty oil slick.

Bladder polyp.

Manwich.

Perverted goat boy.

Sluttish mole.

7:00 tonight?

Make it 6:30.

That man is the foulest, most
disgusting, hideous creature

to ever walk the
face of this earth,

and he's all mine.

Well, I'm gonna head
up to Melville's,

see if they've got another
fish fry going today.

Hey, actually, Norm,

you ought to be
careful, you know.

I think you were
just lucky yesterday

that you didn't
get really sick.

Who said I didn't get sick?

(door opens)

Well, all right, everybody.

Drop what you're doing,

stop the presses.

Nobody's going to be making fun

of Cliff Clavin anymore.

That's for sure.

Look, what I found in the
trash of Mr. A. Hitler.

Behold, exhibit "A."

What's this, a check stub here?

It's a Social
Security check stub,

and it sickens me.

To think that we Americans
worked our fingers

to the bone

so Mr. Hitler could
have creamed corn.

A cereal box?

That's right, Paul,
it's a cereal box.

I guess we can
determine that...

Trix are for kids
and for der Führer.

Cliff, what is that thing?

This is the most sophisticated
and high-tech listening device

that money can buy.

Gentlemen,

say hello
to Mr. Ear.

Mr. Ear.

That's right, you see,
if I'm going to stop

the Fourth Reich from happening,

I have to know every move
that Hitler makes.

With this baby,

I can hear a pin drop
at 500 feet away.

See those two chicks up there?

I'll tell you exactly what
they're talking about.

They're talking about some
stupid-looking yutz holding a...

never mind.

All right.

Look, wish me luck, everybody.

If I'm not back in two hours,
call the Defence Department.

Tell them Hitler's alive and
living in my apartment building.

They know the address.

You know, Cliff's pulled
some pretty crazy stunts

through the years, but...

this is really starting
to get me worried.

Yeah, maybe Cliff is really
going over the edge here.

Gentlemen,

if I may be the voice
of reason,

what if it is Hitler?

(door opens)

Woody,

I heard every word you said.

Thanks for being
in my corner, pal.

I knew he was listening.

Now, when he snaps,
maybe he'll spare me.

Well, bad news, boys.

No fish fry at Melville's.

Apparently,
John Hill had a heart attack.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Relax, Rebecca,

there'll be other fish fries.

It's okay.

Let's look at the
long view here.

I was talking about John Hill.

What hospital
is he in? Arlington.

Should we visit him
at the hospital?

Who wants to go?

Come on, you guys,
he's our neighbour.

We know him, we should see him
in the hospital.

Rebecca, it's not like he's
our best friend or anything.

Norm, that's not the point.

The point is, you have to
pretend to be nice to people.

That's what makes you
a good person.

Hello, yes, I want
to inquire about the status

of one of your patients-
Mr. John Allen Hill.

Oh, thank you.

That's great news.

Oh, thanks very much.

Whoa, thank God.

Dead, Sam?

No, he's not dead.

He's in stable condition.

That's a terrible
thing to say, Woody.

You're always acting
like you don't like him.

That doesn't mean I
wish he were dead.

Well, what about yesterday

when you said
"I wish he was dead"?

(door opens)

Hi, everybody.

Carla, what are you doing here?

Living my lifelong dream,

fulfilling all my fantasies.

I'm a cocktail waitress.

What do you think
I'm doing here?!

Sam, she doesn't know
about Hill yet.

What are we going to do?
This is going to crush her.

Oh, all right, I'll,
uh, I'll tell her.

Sam, news of this gravity
should be delivered

by someone who has
studied the human psyche

in great detail-
someone who has tact,

compassion, and an understanding
of the human heart.

Okay, Dr. Crane,
I'll do it,

but you've got to
deliver this martini.

Carla!

Woody.

What?

I was referring to myself.

Oh, right.

(muttering):
Calling Dr. Von Ego.

Carla, may I have
a word with you?

Sure.
Please, sit down.

What I'm about to tell you may
be a little difficult to hear.

Oh, my God.

And before I tell you what
it is, I just want you to know

that we are all your friends
and we support you.

What is it?

Carla, John Hill has
had a heart attack.

Oh, my God.

Hill had a heart attack?

John Allen Hill
had a heart attack?

(laughing):
That's what you were trying to tell me?

From the way you were acting,

I thought something
happened to my car.

Carla, you knew?

Of course I knew.

I'm the one
who called the ambulance.

Oh, well, then you were there.

W-W-What, what happened?

Well, Hill and I were in
the middle of doing it.

Next thing I know,

he's clutching his chest
and turning blue.

I took it as a compliment
till he fell to the floor.

So, uh, why didn't you go
with him to the hospital?

I hate hospitals.

I'll send him a card later
if I think of it.

Now, just a minute,
Carla, listen.

You've been seeing this man
for over a year now.

Don't you have
any feelings for him?

Listen, Doc, I've had
guys run out on me.

I had a husband die on me.

I got eight kids at
home to worry about.

I don't need to go getting
attached to some other guy

just because we sweat up
the sheets now and then.

I couldn't care
less about Hill.

You feel so strongly about
him, you go visit him.

You ready to order?

Uh, yes, we'd like a gin and
tonic with a lime, please,

a Diet Coke, a Manhattan up,

and we'll also need some
fresh pretzels and, and...

(crying)
I-Is there something wrong, Miss?

(sobbing):
My boyfriend's in the hospital.

I'm so ashamed.

I called Hill my boyfriend.

What's wrong with me?

FRASIER:
Carla,

you've come down
with a bad case

of humanity.

A malady characterized

by bouts of compassion,
warmth and caring.

I mean, who knows, this sort
of thing could go on

for the rest of your life.

Shut up, fathead!

Or it could pass
in a matter of seconds.

Everybody, just leave me alone.

You're making this
into something it's not.

Carla, you cannot hold something
like this inside of you.

PHIL:
Yeah, Carla,

I never shared how I feel
and now I'm old and all alone.

If there's one thing
I learned...

Hey, Phil, zip it!

Look, first of all,

I don't have any feelings
for that slug.

Second of all,
you never saw me cry.

Third, I'd like
to stay and chat

but I've got work to do.

Sam, I want to talk
to you in the office.

Oh, I don't, I don't
want to hear

about her relationship
with John Hill.

I don't understand what they do
when they get together anyway,

and I don't want to.

I wish there was some way
I could get out of this.

Well, why don't you
just wish she was dead?

Hey.

How ya doin', huh?

Oh, Sam.

Hill's in the hospital
and it's all my fault.

Naw, see, now you can't
blame yourself for that.

Oh, but it's true.

You see,

last night started out
as just an average date.

Hill and I getting it
on hot and heavy.

I'm cursing at him,
he's cursing at me...

some real beauties.

The headboard was
begging for mercy.

Do me a favour
and just cut the chase.

Unless there was a chase
and- oh, God, no.

Uh...

I'm a little...
Okay. Okay.

Just before he keeled over,

I went over the line.

I said something so awful, I...

I can't even repeat it.

Oh, honey.

Well, what'd you say?

(mumbling)

I'm sorry, what?

(clears throat)

I told him I loved him.

And that's...

and that's bad,
right? Of course.

Uh-huh.

Of course that's bad!

Mm.

Sam, you don't get this, do you?

Look,

Hill and I have a very
simple relationship.

I don't like him,
he doesn't like me,

we get it on.

Now, if we start saying
we like each other,

we're gonna screw up
what we had.

And then I'm gonna lose him

and I don't want to lose him,
'cause I care for him.

(gasps) What is with me?!

I'm, I'm getting lost here.

Do-do you like this guy
or not?

Of course I do.

But I can't tell him.

Why not?

Because if I tell him,

then he won't have
anything to do with me.

Just like if he told me,

I wouldn't have anything
to do with him.

Oh, all right, all right,
all right, I see.

So-so you're saying...

shoot!

I almost had it.

I guess there's only
one thing I can do.

I've gotta go to the hospital

and straighten
things out. Yes! Yes!

That's it! You've gotta
go to the hospital,

and no matter how much
it costs you...

you've gotta tell the guy
that you care for him.

No, Sam.

I have to go and tell him

that I don't care
for him. Right!

Right! I was gonna
say that next.

You gotta go and tell him

that you don't care for him.

Right. Okay.

All right.

Who wants to know
what Hitler watches on TV?

Cliff, I'm not gonna
play this stupid game anymore.

Hitler does not live in
your apartment building.

All right, from 1500 hours
to 1530 hours,

he watched The Flintstones.

Instead of Gilligan's Island?

Well, he is a mad man.

From 1530 hours to 1600
he watched People's Court.

How ironic.

At 1630 hours,

he clapped off the TV
and went to bed.

Oh, my God, Norm!

It's him.
Hide me.

This is the guy
you thought was Hitler?

No, no, worse!

It's my landlord,
Mr. Cranston.

Clavin, don't you try
to hide from me!

I'm here to inform you

we held a tenants
meeting last night.

Uh, I wasn't invited.

We never invite you
when it's about you.

Was Hitler there?

Yes, Hitler was there...

or Mr. O'Leary

as he's known to us
on Planet Earth.

Yeah, what was the
meeting about?

Well, I intended
to have you evicted.

You've done some strange things
in your time, Clavin,

but this is the worst!

You're harassing an old man!

Who may well be the most hated

and feared figure of the
Twentieth Century.

Well, at least he's not
one of those noisy teens.

Well, that's true.

As I was saying,

I was gonna boot you out,

but your mother made a stirring
speech in your defence.

By the time she finished reading
that passage from the Bible,

we were all in tears.

Even Hitler?

Even Hitler.

Oh, Mr. O'Leary.

Now I will allow you to stay,

if you apologize to him

and promise not to pursue
this matter any further.

Now do I have your word?

Yeah, okay. I promise.

So just don't boot us
out, all right?

Agreed.

Well, thank you.

You know, I-I know

I get out of hand occasionally.

I've got all this
pent-up energy,

a lot of time on my hands.

You know, uh, I'm
Civil Service.

Well, that explains it.

I will let you off with a
warning this time, Clavin.

Does this mean I can go back
in the laundry room?

No. That's a whole
separate thing.

Hmm.

Well, Cliff, you've
tormented an elderly man,

you got everyone in your
apartment building angry,

and you almost lost your home.

Now, are you clear
on what this means?

Sure.

Hitler brainwashed my landlord.

Hill!

Miss Tortelli!

These are for you.

Oh, what a thoughtful purchase.

I didn't buy 'em.

I got 'em out of a
room down the hall.

The guy won't be needing
'em where he's going.

Has he been discharged?

You might say.

If you ever need a
pair of slippers,

size 11, let me know.

Oh, thank you.

Frankly, Miss Tortelli,

I don't know why you're here.

My doctor informs me

I have to remain celibate
for the next eight weeks.

Hey, don't insult me, Hill!

You think that sex is
all I have on my mind?

There are other facets
to my personality.

Eight weeks?

Well, anyway, look,

I just came here because
I wanted to apologize.

Last night, before
this happened,

I said this thing to you,

and, um,

I just wanted you to know that

this thing I said-
eight weeks?!

Please continue, Miss Tortelli.

Anyway, about this thing
that I said,

I just wanted you to know
that I didn't mean it.

Hill,

do you remember what thing it is
I'm talking about?

I must confess it rings
a faint bell...

that thing.

Well, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry,

because I think it's
probably what caused your heart attack.

It was quite a shock.

I don't think anyone's
ever said it to me before.

No one?

Not even your daughter?

Well, it never really came up.

You had a wife.

Well, she and I...

had an understanding.

Your parents?

The point is, Miss Tortelli,

I'm not exactly a cuddle bear.

Yeah, well, neither am I.

See you around.

Uh, uh, one moment,
Miss Tortelli.

Yeah.

Perhaps the diuretic is making
me sentimental, but, uh...

what do you suppose
would happen

if we were foolhardy
enough to attempt

to take our relationship
to the next plateau?

Hypothetically, of course.

Yeah, well,

I have thought
about that a little bit.

I'm not proud of it,
but I've thought of it.

After all, we have
eight celibate weeks

in which to get to know
each other better.

Okay, I'm game.

Uh, so, uh,

Miss Tortelli.

Carla.

Oh, Carla!

Carla- that's a pretty name.

Thank you.

So, uh,

you, uh, you have any children?

No.

So, uh, what's it like
running a restaurant?

Well, you know, a lot of work,

but, uh, very rewarding.

Oh, that's good.

I mean that is rewarding.

Because there are a lot of jobs
that aren't rewarding,

and it's good
that you found a job

that is rewarding.

Carla, could you please
do me a small favour?

Yes, John.

Could you work yourself
behind this machinery

and unplug my life-support
system

so that I can leave this life

and this agonizing
conversation behind?

Oh, like it was fun
for me, zit face!

Sasquatch.

Road kill.

Catcher's mitt.
Pond scum.

Phlegm face.

See you in eight weeks?

Make it four.
Make it two.

Pull the curtain.