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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:15,467 [grunting, groaning] 2 00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,267 Ohh! 3 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,400 - Thanks. - Thank you. 4 00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:31,000 You won't be able to do that for much longer. 5 00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:32,300 Which part? 6 00:00:32,367 --> 00:00:33,700 Toss me about like a sack of radishes. 7 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,200 Yeah, I will. 8 00:00:35,267 --> 00:00:37,133 You're sexier pregnant than you are not pregnant, 9 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,167 and it gives me super strength. 10 00:00:39,233 --> 00:00:40,633 I'll fuck you 11 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,800 and then throw you up on top of the refrigerator. 12 00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:44,667 What will I do up there? 13 00:00:44,733 --> 00:00:46,900 I don't care. 14 00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:48,467 You know how we were talking 15 00:00:48,533 --> 00:00:50,267 about doing the godparents thing? 16 00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:51,733 You were talking about it 17 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,267 because you want to ask that Irish writer dude 18 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:54,633 that you barely know. 19 00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:56,933 I don't barely know him. 20 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,133 I know him. 21 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,067 I went to the same school as him. 22 00:01:00,133 --> 00:01:01,733 And I just think it would be great 23 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,467 for our child to have someone 24 00:01:03,533 --> 00:01:05,367 of that cultural significance in his life. 25 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,633 In your life. 26 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,433 Anyway, you have to christen a child 27 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,067 if you want to have godparents, 28 00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:13,533 so I think we should do that. 29 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,300 If I thought you halfway believed in any of that shit, 30 00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,800 I'd christen it three times, but you don't. 31 00:01:18,867 --> 00:01:20,933 We can't not christen the baby, Rob. 32 00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:22,567 Why? It's bullshit. 33 00:01:22,633 --> 00:01:25,367 You know that godparents have to renounce the devil? 34 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,500 So what? 35 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,100 How weird is that? 36 00:01:28,167 --> 00:01:30,500 A bunch of adults standing around a baby, 37 00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:32,167 pretending to believe in the devil 38 00:01:32,233 --> 00:01:33,267 so they can renounce him. 39 00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,100 The baby won't know. 40 00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:36,167 Yeah, but we'll know. 41 00:01:36,233 --> 00:01:38,567 - We don't care. - I care. 42 00:01:38,633 --> 00:01:41,933 Well, why don't we just have a naming ceremony? 43 00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,433 Because that is a bullshit 44 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:46,067 California yoga retreat load of bullshit, 45 00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,733 and my parents would kill me. 46 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,300 The best case scenario 47 00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:52,333 is we ask your Patrick O'Heaney to be godfather 48 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,600 and he's like "Okay," and then he changes his phone number 49 00:01:55,667 --> 00:01:58,067 and writes a poem about what assholes we are. 50 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,233 Ohh. I don't know. 51 00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,567 I just think there's pros 52 00:02:05,633 --> 00:02:08,067 in raising your kid just a little bit religious. 53 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:10,833 Like, God is like the best friend of the lazy parent. 54 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,233 Why is the sun yellow? 55 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,200 Because God's favorite color is yellow. 56 00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:17,867 Now go upstairs so I can give Dad a special hug 57 00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,500 and make you a little sister. 58 00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,833 Okay, well, that makes sense. 59 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,133 I mean, it all comes back to love. 60 00:02:26,533 --> 00:02:28,900 Are you nervous about meeting my parents tomorrow? 61 00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:30,900 Yeah, but manageably. 62 00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:32,133 You? 63 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,900 Don't know. 64 00:02:33,967 --> 00:02:35,667 My dad's pretty hard to talk to. 65 00:02:35,733 --> 00:02:37,800 He's like a piece of granite with bushy eyebrows. 66 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:39,733 What about your mom? 67 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,167 She's magical. 68 00:02:41,233 --> 00:02:42,700 You'll like her better than you like me. 69 00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:44,133 Great. 70 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,867 How's she doing in the boob department? 71 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:48,967 Well, she only has one 72 00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:51,200 since her mastectomy a couple of years back, 73 00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:53,900 but it's pretty big. 74 00:02:53,967 --> 00:02:55,733 Oh. 75 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,267 Okay. 76 00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:03,800 Terrible flight. 77 00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:04,900 Turbulence. 78 00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,067 Oh. 79 00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,067 - Fuckin' Ryanair. - Des. 80 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,667 They sat me next to a Turkish. 81 00:03:09,733 --> 00:03:10,733 A Turkish what? 82 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:11,967 A Turkish man. 83 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:12,933 Right. 84 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,433 From Turkey. 85 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:15,533 Right, right. 86 00:03:16,533 --> 00:03:18,833 Let me just check on the tea. 87 00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:20,233 [mouthing] 88 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,500 Doesn't get any better than this, does it? 89 00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,667 - Your brother's place? - Oh, yeah, it's lovely. 90 00:03:25,733 --> 00:03:27,200 He's doubled his money on this place. 91 00:03:27,267 --> 00:03:28,833 He hasn't doubled his money, Dad. 92 00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,100 The money doubled itself. 93 00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:32,333 You know, he just sat there. 94 00:03:33,967 --> 00:03:35,867 I'll go and help with the tea. 95 00:03:35,933 --> 00:03:37,400 Where are you going? 96 00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:46,533 - I love Ireland. - You're an American. 97 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,833 I'm sorry. 98 00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:49,767 I was just saying I love Ireland. 99 00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,100 Have you been? 100 00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:53,567 I want to. 101 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,167 Ugh. 102 00:03:56,233 --> 00:03:58,100 What've they been doing since they got here? 103 00:03:58,167 --> 00:03:59,767 What have they been doing? You saw it. 104 00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:02,467 Growing mushrooms out of their arseholes on my couch. 105 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,233 I told them I was going to the office earlier, 106 00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:05,867 and I hid in the girls' bedroom 107 00:04:05,933 --> 00:04:07,400 just so I could have some fucking peace. 108 00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:09,500 I had to take a piss into a sippy cup. 109 00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:11,167 [laughing] 110 00:04:11,233 --> 00:04:13,233 Can I tell them? This is taking too long. 111 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:16,567 No. You're an observer today, okay? Like the UN. 112 00:04:16,633 --> 00:04:19,200 You say a syllable, and I'll cut your hands off. 113 00:04:20,733 --> 00:04:23,067 Whatever happened to that Owen fella? 114 00:04:23,133 --> 00:04:24,533 He was around for a while. 115 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,067 He moved to Africa, didn't he, Sha? 116 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:30,600 Hmm? Yeah. Yeah. He had to go to Africa. 117 00:04:30,667 --> 00:04:32,433 He was a good man. 118 00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:35,700 Well, I won't be running off to Africa any time soon. 119 00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:37,533 I don't even know where it is. 120 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:44,433 So, uh, Mum, Dad, 121 00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,133 we've got something we'd like to tell you-- 122 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,200 talk to you about. 123 00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:51,567 Lovely news I think will make you very happy, 124 00:04:51,633 --> 00:04:52,900 and that's... 125 00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:55,400 we're getting married. 126 00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,533 Congratulations. 127 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,233 - Thanks, Mum. - I thought you were going to tell us 128 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,667 you were pregnant there for a minute. 129 00:05:03,733 --> 00:05:06,233 And I'm pregnant. That's also part of this. 130 00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:15,067 Rob: Your dad will warm up. 131 00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,667 I mean, Fergal and I are practically-- 132 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,267 I wouldn't say brothers yet 133 00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:21,400 but maybe like cousins who are also good friends. 134 00:05:21,467 --> 00:05:22,667 We really bonded when he came with me 135 00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:23,833 to pick out the ring. 136 00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:27,067 And we both laughed when your dad farted at the TV 137 00:05:27,133 --> 00:05:28,633 when Tottenham scored that goal. 138 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,200 Everybody laughed at that. 139 00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:32,367 Yeah, but I think Fergal and I the hardest. 140 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:35,633 Hey, why don't we ask Fergal to be the godfather? 141 00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:38,433 He's not technically an adult in the eyes of the Church. 142 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:39,800 What? 143 00:05:39,867 --> 00:05:42,067 He missed his confirmation because he had the measles, 144 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,633 and then he refused to do it the following year 145 00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:45,633 because he'd a growth spurt and a mustache by then. 146 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,867 Also, fuck him. I don't want him to do it. 147 00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:50,067 Your mom cornered me at one point 148 00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,300 and asked me where I go to Mass. 149 00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:52,500 What did you say? 150 00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:54,067 Saint Mary's. 151 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,933 How are we feeling? 152 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,067 Fine, I guess. Not terrible. 153 00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:05,200 I mean, emotionally, I suppose, I'm like... 154 00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:07,800 A dumpster fire. 155 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,467 A bit up and down. 156 00:06:09,533 --> 00:06:11,833 Good. Now, I do have something 157 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:15,067 that we need to discuss that is somewhat serious. 158 00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,367 - It's full cancer now? - No, no. 159 00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:18,067 No, it's not that. What it is, 160 00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:19,767 we've been catching up on screenings 161 00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:21,200 that your first doctor didn't do. 162 00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:23,433 One of them is the combined test, 163 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:25,800 and that tells us if there's a chromosomal abnormality. 164 00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:27,367 What does that mean? 165 00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:29,100 It would mean that there's a higher risk 166 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:30,500 of your baby having Down syndrome. 167 00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:34,100 Because in a geriatric pregnancy-- 168 00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:35,433 Geriatric? 169 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:37,100 It's just a term. 170 00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:40,067 But according to the combined test, 171 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:43,800 you are looking at a 1 in 50 risk 172 00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:46,067 that your child has Down syndrome. 173 00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,733 Well, Christ. 174 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,433 1 in 50? That's not that bad. 175 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,200 - What are you, a sadist? - Sharon. 176 00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:54,500 No, why do I need to know that? 177 00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:56,200 Because the risk should ideally be 178 00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:57,500 three times as low, 179 00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:58,767 and I am required to tell you that 180 00:06:58,833 --> 00:07:01,267 in case you need to prepare 181 00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:04,800 for a substantially different child-rearing experience. 182 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,067 You know, some people decide 183 00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,067 they won't ever be ready for that. 184 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:14,800 Honey-- 185 00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:24,633 Why-- 186 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:25,967 Where are my knickers? 187 00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:27,233 - Uh-- - Where are my-- 188 00:07:34,733 --> 00:07:36,733 Can you think up 189 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,133 or make up some good news 190 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,567 for the next time we come in? 191 00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:42,500 Uh, okay. 192 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,400 Thank you. 193 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:52,100 Rob: Oh. Hey, Melissa, she just came in. 194 00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,733 Okay. Thank you. 195 00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:56,733 Where the hell have you been? 196 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,067 I walked to Croydon. 197 00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,867 Okay. Is that far? 198 00:08:00,933 --> 00:08:02,533 It's about 13 miles. 199 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,600 Well, if you ever need to do that again, 200 00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:07,733 please let me shadow you from a block back or something. 201 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,067 Okay. 202 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,900 What are we going to do? 203 00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:19,633 Why couldn't you come over here and got me pregnant ten years ago? 204 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,933 - What the hell were you doing then? - Nothing that cool. 205 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:24,467 Can't I just enjoy my fucking pregnancy? 206 00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,567 Why can't I go to the doctor one time 207 00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:27,733 and not get a bombshell 208 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,600 that makes me want to just rip all my hair out? 209 00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:31,567 Every time I see a happy pregnant woman on the street, 210 00:08:31,633 --> 00:08:32,700 I want to punch her. 211 00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:35,933 I know. 212 00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,933 And I'm so sorry. 213 00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:39,800 And I don't expect this 214 00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,333 to make you feel better right now, 215 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,067 but the fucking math of it all is still in our favor, 216 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:48,500 even if it's worse math than most people get. 217 00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:49,733 I don't know. 218 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,467 Maths. 219 00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:52,700 Maths. 220 00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:54,867 Fuck maths. 221 00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:56,333 Fuck each math. 222 00:08:56,400 --> 00:09:00,133 My uncle Kenny has Down syndrome, 223 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,100 and he's a cool guy. 224 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,533 - Your uncle Kenny? - Yeah. 225 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,500 He showed me my first picture of a boob. 226 00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:07,733 It was in a breast health pamphlet or something. 227 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,233 Well, I'm sure your uncle Kenny 228 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:10,933 was great fun to hang out with when you were little, 229 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,433 but do you hang out with him now? 230 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,667 Because somebody has to. They need more help forever. 231 00:09:14,733 --> 00:09:15,867 Are you ready for that? 232 00:09:15,933 --> 00:09:17,667 Well, no. I haven't seen him in-- 233 00:09:17,733 --> 00:09:19,333 But that's not the point. The point is-- 234 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,100 I don't know if I'm a good enough person 235 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,733 to be able to look after a disabled child. 236 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,067 Neither am I. 237 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,233 A friend of mine's brother 238 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,600 had Down syndrome, 239 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,200 and his parents were still looking after him 240 00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,700 when they were in their 70s. 241 00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,767 And then the dad died, and it was just the mum left. 242 00:09:31,833 --> 00:09:34,100 I used to see them in the supermarket, 243 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:37,933 and she never once looked anything but old 244 00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:40,433 and really, really tired. 245 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:44,200 Well, who fucking whistles their way around a supermarket? 246 00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,633 You know, maybe they went home and smoked a joint 247 00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:49,467 and watched Judge Judy, and had a great time. 248 00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,533 [man on TV speaking] 249 00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:57,367 What do you want to do? 250 00:09:57,433 --> 00:10:00,267 Do you mind if we don't talk about it anymore? 251 00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,533 Chris: It's not going to happen. 252 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,700 - Rob: But if it did-- - It's not. 253 00:10:05,767 --> 00:10:07,900 Put it this way: imagine you've got 254 00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:09,967 a 1 in 100 chance of winning the lottery. 255 00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,133 It's 1 in 50. 256 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,633 Fine. 1 in 50 chance 257 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,767 of winning the lottery if you buy a ticket tomorrow. 258 00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:16,000 Feeling good about your chances? 259 00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:17,333 - No, but-- - There you go. 260 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,900 If you're not going to win that, 261 00:10:18,967 --> 00:10:20,233 why would you win this one? 262 00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:22,200 - That's a good point. - Side point, 263 00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:24,067 the lottery is for mouth-breathing idiots 264 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,700 and should be illegal. 265 00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:28,933 My cunt dad pissed away every paycheck at Ladbrokes 266 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,200 till the day he shot himself in our barn. 267 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,067 Fuck, that is good cake. 268 00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:39,333 Ohh. By the way, 269 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:40,933 Fran thinks I'm having an affair. 270 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,067 She found the receipts from all our din-dins 271 00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:44,467 and jumped to conclusions, 272 00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:46,000 so I had to tell her I'd been out with you. 273 00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,567 - What? - It's all right. 274 00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:50,067 She wants to meet with you and sort it out. 275 00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:52,700 Why? No, I'm sorry. 276 00:10:52,767 --> 00:10:54,767 This is not a good time 277 00:10:54,833 --> 00:10:56,167 Don't be a bastard. 278 00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:57,800 Life goes on. 279 00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:01,067 So man up and talk to my wife for me. 280 00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:06,667 "Spleeny"? 281 00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:09,400 That's not a word. 282 00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:10,500 Yeah, it is. 283 00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:11,800 It is a word. 284 00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:13,500 - Spleeny? - Yeah, spleeny. 285 00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:17,467 Like, if I walk into a room with a pile of human spleens. 286 00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:20,300 Yeah. You'd say, "It smells a bit spleeny in here." 287 00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:22,533 What? No. We said we weren't looking things up. 288 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,367 - Rob, don't-- Ohh. - [phone rings] 289 00:11:27,733 --> 00:11:29,700 Who's calling you? 290 00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:30,700 Who's calling me? 291 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:31,833 Yeah. 292 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,733 Uh... Oh. Chris. 293 00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:39,300 Fran found out Chris and I were dating, 294 00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:41,167 and he wants me to go and talk to her. 295 00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:43,067 You bellend. 296 00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:45,700 Spleeny works. 297 00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:47,100 That's-- You win. 298 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,433 Yes! Bananas! 299 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,433 [bell rings] 300 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:51,667 So I think when you consider 301 00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:54,333 everything that happened in the 14th century, 302 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,067 complaining about whether you can find 303 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:59,400 a socket for your iPad charger, Kiki, 304 00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:00,933 when you're on holiday with your parents-- 305 00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:02,200 [phone buzzes] 306 00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:06,067 All right, turn to page 46, chapter 8. 307 00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:07,633 Just read from there. 308 00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:09,633 - Hello. - Hello. Is that Ms. Morris? 309 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:11,533 - Yep, it is. - Oh, great. 310 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,367 I thought I'd got the wrong number there. 311 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:14,733 I'm calling because Dr. Harris 312 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,233 did some tests with you the other day. 313 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,567 - Yeah. - Yeah. 314 00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:19,333 There was an error in the results. 315 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,267 It turns out the chances of chromosomal abnormality 316 00:12:21,333 --> 00:12:23,067 aren't 1 in 50, as you were told. 317 00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:25,167 - Oh. Well-- - Mm. 318 00:12:25,233 --> 00:12:26,667 Well, that's-- I mean, is that-- 319 00:12:26,733 --> 00:12:28,900 It's actually closer to about 1 in 25. 320 00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:30,333 Sorry about that. 321 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,700 I'm not sure what happened there. 322 00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:33,667 The doctor suggested you pop in 323 00:12:33,733 --> 00:12:35,600 and chat about the option of amniocentesis. 324 00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,667 He can recommend an expert in the field. 325 00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:40,067 Let us know, okay? Sorry again. 326 00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,700 - Bye, now. - Bye, now. 327 00:12:54,533 --> 00:12:56,133 Oh, shit. Sorry. 328 00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:03,667 It's okay. I've just been sick. 329 00:13:03,733 --> 00:13:05,333 Just excuse me. 330 00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,300 Is she drunk? 331 00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,367 She was drunk at the Christmas concert last year. 332 00:13:13,433 --> 00:13:14,833 [laughter] 333 00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,367 Ahem. 334 00:13:16,433 --> 00:13:18,600 Mr. Norris isn't joining us? 335 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:19,967 No. 336 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,867 Now, it takes a week to get the test results. 337 00:13:21,933 --> 00:13:24,233 You also have to know that the risk of miscarriage 338 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,467 just from getting the test done does exist. 339 00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,233 Ms. Morris? 340 00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:33,900 Sorry. I was just, um, 341 00:13:33,967 --> 00:13:35,567 I was just trying to work out 342 00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:38,267 how I mentally cope with the nightmare scenario 343 00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:42,767 of having a needle stuck in my belly into my baby's neck, 344 00:13:42,833 --> 00:13:45,067 risking miscarriage. 345 00:13:45,133 --> 00:13:47,067 I don't-- 346 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:50,133 I mean, can you say something to help? 347 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,733 You will have a much clearer picture 348 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:53,967 of your prospects 349 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,400 with the amnio. 350 00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:58,667 Great. 351 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,100 Thanks. 352 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,833 Um... 353 00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:08,067 so I mean, was there anything else? 354 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,533 Is Mummy here? 355 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,067 Mummy? 356 00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:16,400 Jesus, get in here. You're a mess. 357 00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:21,633 Was Dad okay after we left? 358 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:23,400 Ah, he'll warm to it. 359 00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:25,733 His heart did go out of rhythm, though, afterwards. 360 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,833 He had to take one of his pills and lie down. 361 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:28,900 Oh, please. 362 00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:30,633 His heart went out of rhythm 363 00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,133 because his only daughter is getting married? 364 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,833 - And pregnant. - Yeah, with a baby, 365 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:35,567 not a wombat. 366 00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:36,800 Oh, yes, yes, yes. 367 00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:38,967 Where have you come from? 368 00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:40,533 I was at the doctor. 369 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:41,767 Why? 370 00:14:41,833 --> 00:14:43,300 Well, because I'm pregnant. 371 00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:45,267 You know, you go to the doctor when you're pregnant 372 00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:46,867 so they can tell you if everything's okay, 373 00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:48,367 you know, if there's any issues. 374 00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:51,067 You couldn't find out any of that stuff in my day. 375 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,733 In my day you had two choices: 376 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,067 you either liked what you had, or you didn't like it 377 00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,500 and you buried it behind the old oak tree. 378 00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,700 - God forgive me. - Mum! 379 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,533 Oh, God, no. I didn't. 380 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,433 Just-- Well, that's the way it was. 381 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:08,933 But everything's all right, though, with you and the baby? 382 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:12,667 Oh, no! You knock-kneed fuckin' idiot! 383 00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:14,900 Des! Mind your heart! 384 00:15:14,967 --> 00:15:16,567 Yes, yes. 385 00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:18,067 Couldn't be better. 386 00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,400 Ah, that's great. 387 00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:23,067 Rob: First, 388 00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:26,967 I want to really, unreservedly apologize 389 00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,967 for the way I behaved when we came to dinner. 390 00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,800 That's okay. 391 00:15:30,867 --> 00:15:34,233 I probably shouldn't have got quite so riled up. 392 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,733 Well, maybe a little bit when you were shouting 393 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,667 about shoving blueberries up arseholes. 394 00:15:38,733 --> 00:15:41,500 Was it blueberries? I thought I said walnuts. 395 00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,367 Well, that's neither here nor there. 396 00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:45,167 No, no, I-- 397 00:15:45,233 --> 00:15:46,600 So how's Jeffrey? 398 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,067 Jeffrey's great. 399 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,933 He's about to make his West End debut 400 00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,867 with Alan Rickman. Lovely man. 401 00:15:51,933 --> 00:15:53,433 Do you know, he's nearly 70. 402 00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:56,600 Still very muscular, though. 403 00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,600 Anyway, Rob, 404 00:15:58,667 --> 00:15:59,767 I'm sure you're aware 405 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:02,200 that Chris and I have had our little... 406 00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,633 internal disagreements. 407 00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:05,900 He's a very tricky man. 408 00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:07,600 - Yeah, but he's-- - Very tricky. 409 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,433 Mm-hmm. 410 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:12,100 And he shouldn't have kept you for his secret. 411 00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:15,267 because that makes me look like I'm... 412 00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,500 like... 413 00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:20,067 It's really hard being married. 414 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,900 Sometimes I just want to scream. 415 00:16:22,967 --> 00:16:24,233 Maybe you should. 416 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,300 I mean, kids scream all the time, 417 00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:28,433 and then they're happy the rest of the time. 418 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,600 And adults, 419 00:16:29,667 --> 00:16:32,067 we try to just keep everything stuffed in a box 420 00:16:32,133 --> 00:16:35,067 that explodes every once in a while and hurts people. 421 00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,333 Yeah. 422 00:16:38,233 --> 00:16:39,733 Well, Mister. 423 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,067 I really miss Sharon. 424 00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:45,200 And you're not so bad yourself. 425 00:16:46,833 --> 00:16:50,600 We'd love to give it another go with you guys. 426 00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:53,333 Well, we could get together and scream, 427 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,867 just not at each other this time. 428 00:16:54,933 --> 00:16:56,067 Funny. 429 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,567 You're funny. 430 00:16:57,633 --> 00:17:00,667 Oh, Rob. 431 00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:11,167 Mm. Mm! 432 00:17:11,233 --> 00:17:13,133 This is-- No, we-- Chris. 433 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,433 - What-- - I was just-- 434 00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:16,533 I'm sorry. 435 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,633 - Hey. - Hi. 436 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,067 - There's something-- - I've been to the doctor 437 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,800 without telling you 438 00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:50,267 because, um, they rang 439 00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:53,067 and said that chances are higher than they thought. 440 00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:54,267 Sorry. 441 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:56,533 And sorry I haven't been talking to you. 442 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:57,700 That's okay. 443 00:17:57,767 --> 00:17:59,067 It's because I can't. 444 00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,333 I mean there's parts of my heart and my brain 445 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,967 that I can't even visit right now. 446 00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:07,067 But I want to know. 447 00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:08,933 I mean, I don't know what I'll-- 448 00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,933 what we will do when we find out 449 00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:12,767 because I can't even-- 450 00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:15,567 All I know is I need to know. 451 00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,167 At least we can see him quickly, 452 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:21,667 since there's, like, eight people in the country 453 00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:23,800 - who can afford him. - They say he's the best. 454 00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:26,200 He says he's the best. So arrogant. 455 00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:27,933 He looks like Elton John on his website. 456 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,967 Or like if Elton John had a baby and Kanye West raised it. 457 00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:34,400 He's the Kanye West of Amniocentesis. 458 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,267 Are you okay? 459 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,267 What a smug fucker. 460 00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:44,633 Smugger than a doctor and an architect combined. 461 00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:48,300 Can't believe he referred to himself as "Magic Fingers." 462 00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:50,133 I want to be like that. 463 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,133 I want to be a confident clown. 464 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,433 God, he smelled good, too, didn't he? 465 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,533 Oh, yeah. 466 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:56,567 What was that? 467 00:18:56,633 --> 00:18:58,900 That fucking needle, though. 468 00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:00,833 Sorry I sent you out of the room. 469 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:03,167 I would've let you stay if you weren't audibly crying, 470 00:19:03,233 --> 00:19:05,467 you know, if there hadn't been a noise component. 471 00:19:05,533 --> 00:19:07,567 I cannot believe it didn't hurt. 472 00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:09,233 It didn't. 473 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,267 I'll see that needle in my nightmares 474 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,300 until the day I die, but it didn't hurt. 475 00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:15,400 You're going to be a champ giving birth. 476 00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,400 You'll just yawn, and it'll fall right out. 477 00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:19,167 Because of my roomy vagina? 478 00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:21,500 Hey, I mean, it's like a cozy little room, 479 00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:24,733 like a laundry room, not like a meeting hall. 480 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,367 - Hi. - Hey. 481 00:19:29,433 --> 00:19:30,600 How are you? 482 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:32,467 Come in. Come in. 483 00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:34,667 Is Rob home? 484 00:19:34,733 --> 00:19:37,067 No. No, don't worry. I know all about it. 485 00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:41,567 Oh. Okay. 486 00:19:41,633 --> 00:19:42,933 What did he say? 487 00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,267 Just that he was sorry 488 00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:45,967 and, you know, it must seem weird. 489 00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,433 Silly. 490 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,900 I'm just glad it's all out in the open. 491 00:19:48,967 --> 00:19:49,900 Oh. 492 00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:52,133 You're very kind. 493 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,167 It was just one kiss. 494 00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:56,300 Sorry. What? 495 00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:59,200 I think Rob and I both regret what happened. 496 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:04,033 Rob and I kissed. 497 00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:06,567 It was just a moment's nothing. 498 00:20:06,633 --> 00:20:09,800 It was just-- 499 00:20:09,867 --> 00:20:12,033 I'm very sorry. 500 00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,133 Ohh. 501 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,033 [door closes] 502 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,500 I had a visitor today. 503 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:21,767 Really? 504 00:20:21,833 --> 00:20:23,033 Yeah, really. 505 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,867 Fran came to see me. 506 00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:26,133 Oh, well-- 507 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,400 Did you sleep with Fran? 508 00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:29,567 Oh, my God, no. 509 00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:30,967 Is that what you-- 510 00:20:31,033 --> 00:20:33,400 No, no, no, no, no, no. She kissed me. 511 00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:35,433 She practically ate a piece of my gum. 512 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:36,833 The reason that I didn't say anything 513 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:39,367 is because I didn't want to embarrass her. 514 00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:40,900 You gotta believe me. 515 00:20:40,967 --> 00:20:42,433 I don't know what to believe, Rob. 516 00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:45,367 This has totally backfired. I was only trying to-- 517 00:20:46,933 --> 00:20:48,600 Of course I believe you. 518 00:20:48,667 --> 00:20:50,733 You son of a bitch! 519 00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:53,433 Your face. 520 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:54,867 Oh, you're on your knees. 521 00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:57,067 Oh, that's so good. 522 00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:00,700 I might have got a bit carried away, though. 523 00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:03,533 I asked them to be godparents. 524 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,100 At least they've got money if we die. 525 00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:15,533 [horror movie music ringtone] 526 00:21:21,867 --> 00:21:23,733 Hello. 527 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,067 Yeah. 528 00:21:29,933 --> 00:21:31,233 Okay. Yeah. 529 00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:32,700 Thank you very much. 530 00:21:47,133 --> 00:21:48,900 You okay, Miss? 531 00:21:48,967 --> 00:21:50,200 Yeah, I'm great. 532 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:51,900 You can't lie there. 533 00:21:51,967 --> 00:21:54,700 I'm just waiting for my fiancé. 534 00:21:55,833 --> 00:21:57,800 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 535 00:22:01,767 --> 00:22:04,367 Uh, the hospital just called. 536 00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:09,200 So it's all okay. 537 00:22:22,233 --> 00:22:23,433 I'll see you in a few months. 538 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,133 All right, love. 539 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,333 Now don't forget to eat. 540 00:22:28,267 --> 00:22:29,733 - Bye, Dad. - Goodbye, dear. 541 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,700 - Listen, just-- - Oh, no, don't be silly. 542 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:34,067 No, no, no. For the baby. 543 00:22:34,933 --> 00:22:36,067 Bye. 544 00:22:43,933 --> 00:22:45,667 For fuck's sake. 545 00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:04,433 Sorry. 546 00:23:06,067 --> 00:23:08,267 She's gorgeous. 547 00:23:09,167 --> 00:23:10,733 She is, isn't she? 548 00:23:26,333 --> 00:23:28,967 Donovan: *Ah, but I may as well * 549 00:23:29,067 --> 00:23:32,700 * Try and catch the wind * 550 00:23:34,767 --> 00:23:39,300 *When rain has hung the leaves with tears * 551 00:23:39,367 --> 00:23:41,333 * I want you near * 552 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,467 *To kill my fears * 553 00:23:43,533 --> 00:23:49,800 * To help me to leave all my blues behind * 554 00:23:51,467 --> 00:23:55,133 *For standing in your heart * 555 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,100 * Is where I want to be... * 38259

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