All language subtitles for The Detour s04e05_English

[ Indistinct conversations,
silverware clinking ]

I can't get over
the new look.

Um, it -- it's like
a grown-up version of you.

And you're drinking
hot chocolate.

I mean, that's --
that's grown-up, man.

It's coffee.
I love it.

[ Gulps, gags ]

Delicious.

Yeah.
So how's your year been?

I mean,
what's the story?

You want the long version
or the short version?

Uh, which one's faster?

Delilah:
I had money, I had freedom,

and was ready to live
the life of my dreams.

Oh, this version's
taking forever.

It's literally
been five seconds.

Really?
It felt a lot longer,

especially 'cause Mom and Dad
weren't in this one.

Spoiler alert --
They're notin this story.

[ Door opens ]

[ Woman moaning loudly ]

Oh, shit.

[ Moaning continues ]

What is it about
life-changing events

that make women want
to cut all their hair off

with kitchen scissors?

I don't know!

Still,
a year on your own.

I mean, you're like
a legit adult now.

Sure you don't want
some kids' food?

I mean,
just for old time's sake.

Nice doughnut
French toast.

No one can resist that.

[ Muffled ]
This is so good!

I know.
I thought you might like it.

Somewhere behind
the mountains

There is a place
I'm thinkin'

[ Distorted music plays ]

I spent two years
planning my escape

and zero time
thinking about

what to do after
I actually got free.

So, what did you do?

I did what any 16 year old
with a fake backstory would do.

I went to college.

Delilah: It was a bastion
of free thinking,

inclusive idealism,

a place where I could learn
and grow as a person who --

God damn it!

Sorry about that.

That's okay.

Hey, but that's what practice
is for, right, girls?

[ Young women cheer ]

Oh, you weren't
talking to me.

Oh, that's so sad.

It gets sadder.

Are you thinking
of joining a cappella?

Aca-lutely.

-What?
-Defi-notely!

Oh, yeah.
We don't do puns.

We do pitch.
Can you match?

Try and stop me,
pitch.

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing off-key ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing off-key ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing off-key ]

Well, that was...
aca-ward.

It just feels like we should be
raising money for research,

and every dollar you waste
on your virtue-signaling swag

is one dollar less
that goes to a viable cure.

You seem like fun.

Delilah: I mean, I get the
benefits of developing material.

I just think it's unfair
to ask people

to watch
a shitty rehearsal.

And we have got to lose
these matching bowling shirts.

And scene.

Aah! [ Grunts ]

What the hell?!

You just got your big balls
flying everywhere, don't ya?!

What?

Oh, should I speak slower
because of your crippling CTE?!

Or maybe the short shorts
are cutting off oxygen --

Aah!
God damn it!

[ Crowd "Ohs" ]

And scene.

[ Laughter ]

Ow.

It's hard
fitting in here,

but there are some people
who accept everybody.

We're those people.

Xander:
I want to thank you all

for giving up your
Sunday afternoon to be here.

But that's the only time
that Dean Shroff

said the building
was available.

But lest
we not be triggered.

Onward and upward.

We have a new member
joining us.

Welcome, Delilah.

Hi!
I'm Delilah.

I just want to say
I think it's great

you guys are preaching
love and tolerance --

Pause. Can we unpack what you
meant when you said "you guys"?

Just like the people
in this room.

Then say that, please.Words matter.

Can we pause again?
What do you have on your feet?

I, uh -- shoes?

[ All inhale deeply ]

Delilah, those shoes
are torture items

steeped in
the female slave trade.

A misogynist construct
designed to oppress us.

Really? I just wanted
to look good for my
first week of college.

Your enjoyment of your
oppression is problematic.

It's not that big
of a deal, is it?

Please don't diminish
my reaction

to your microaggression.

Wait. Hold on.
Are you mad?

[ Passive aggressively ]
And please don't speak to me

in a passive-aggressive tone,
okay?

Thank you.

What's wrong with
a sensible pair of shoes?

Hm, I like those.

I'm gonna chalk up
your heteronormativesplaining

to an ideological
mind virus.

I don't understand
what that means.

I think I'm literally
going to be sick.

Oh, my God.
Do you need a barf bag?

Did zer just invoke God
in this space?

God?
Do you believe in God?

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, my science.

Have you not undergone
any unconscious bias training?What?

It's like she's never even seen
Samantha Bee.
Who?

[ Sighs ]Can someone privilege-check her,
please?

White privilege.
Cis privilege.

Orthodontic privilege.

Thick hair privilege.
Eyebrow privilege.

Oh, come on.
That's not a thing.

Tell that
to Pam No-brows.

Oh.
Sorry.

Well, can we just slow down
and look at my side here?

Okay, so now there's twosides
to every argument?

Classic
ze said, ze said, huh?

You know, I came here because
I thought this was a group

of people who placed value
on diversity and acceptance.

But you guys just seem like
a bunch of judgy white chicks.

[ Gasps ]
I am 1/16 Cherokee.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm trying to become bisexual.

[ Crying ] Do you think we like
being in a club of hypocrites?

The minorities on this campus
refuse to join us,

and you know what?

They wouldn't understand
their problems anyway.

As co-co-co-co-co-president,
I can't ask you to leave,

but I am allowed to show you
where the door is.

It's there.

Sometimes a fun
strappy kitten heel

is just a fun
strappy kitten heel.

God damn it!
Mother[bleep]

Damn it!

Where do those
keep coming from?!

So did you have
anyfun?

Oh, yeah. Remember that awesome
church in New York?

No.
Dad walked on water

and made out with a bunch
of hot blonde Australian girls?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, come on.
You remember.

We were baptized,
and Mom was furious.

Season 2.

Season 2?
What does that even mean?

Spring, summer,
fall, winter.

Happened in summer.
Season 2 of 4.

There's only
four seasons?

For now.
Anyway...

guess where I went.

I don't know.

Statue of Liberty.

Oh, Paris.

New York!
I went to New York.

Oh.
God.

You need it, I got it

You want it, I got it

You need it, I got it

You sip it or pop it

In the club, club

In the club, club

You need it, I got it

You sip it or pop it

In the club, club

In the club, club

Heeey!

[ Australian accent ]
Hey what?

It's me -- Delilah.

Sorry,
doesn't ring a bell.

See, people need
more context.

[ Groans ]

I met you
a few years ago,

and you said I was welcome back
any time.

Well, I stole some money from
my family and ran away,

and here I am.

You stole money?
How much?

About $150,000.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, where is it now?

In my backpack!

Oh, dear.

Girls.

Girls!

One second.

Girls!

Found this, uh, little sinner
out here on our doorstep.

You remember Delilah,
don't you?

[ Australian accent ]
Oh, yeah!

[ Australian accent ] Of course!
Who could forget?

And, Delilah, you remember
my sisters Laura and Nicole.

Yeah. I thought
Laura was your mom.

Oh, mom in a way that we're all
each other's mother and sister.

[ Laughter ]

So, Delilah just stole $150,000
from her family.

Oh, no. Delilah.

[ Gasps ]

You have come

to the right place.

God can forgive,
but it's gonna take some work.

Cool, cool.
So can I come in?

Nah.

Let's go out.

[ All scream ]

[ Dance music plays ]

[ All screaming ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Cork pops ]Whoo!

-[ Laughs ]
-Oh, my God.

This place looks expensive.

-It is.
-Yeah.

And we've fallen
on some pretty hard times.

Jesus tried challenging our dad,
Levi, with a test

and implicated us in a tax fraud
and real estate scandal.

Did he pass?Real estate's being settled
out of court.

Fraud's still pending.

I suppose we could just hack our
hair off with kitchen shears.

Nah. I can afford it.

[ Laughing, cheering ]

Bless!

Oh, my God!
You're the best!

You're the best!

-Delilah.
-Oh, my God!

I don't just
wake up flawless

I go to bed like that

You know my hair, face,
and body always be intact

Tell the truth,
it don't take much effort

Guess I'm just blessed
like that

Holy shit.
This is so expensive.

Am I paying
for everybody's?

Give to the poor and you will
have riches in heaven.

You know who said that,
don't you?

Jesus?

He did.
Matthew 19:21.

[ Glasses clink ] I know my swag is on fire

And it burns,
it burns, it burns

-No.
-No.

No.

[ Sighs ]

I've got it!

Yeah.
My turn.

No, my turn,
my turn.

Red carpet ready

Red, red carpet ready

Red carpet ready

Red, red carpet ready, ready

Red carpet ready

Red, red carpet ready

Bring my shoes
and my clothes Oh!

See me stuntin',
yeah, you know me

Red carpet ready

Red, red carpet ready I could stay at a motel for a
year for what this skirt costs.

Oh, Delilah.
You can't put a price on joy.

But if you had to,
it'd be $25,152.

Holy [bleep]

Come on, Delilah.
Give us a smile.

God loves
a cheerful giver.

Corinthians 9:7.

[ Dance music plays]

Jesus

I need him, yes

I need him, yes

I need him, yes

I need him, yes

Some, some, some, some,
some guys like Muhammad

Some, some, some, some girls,
some girls like Buddha

Some, some, some, some...

Don't worry.
We've got another bottle coming.

Great. What's another $15,000
bottle delivered by a monkey?

I sense some sarcasm,
but $15,000 is a bargain.

I've seen some monkey champagne
for as high as $17.5 million.

Man: We got a bottle
of monkey champagne

to go to table 13!

[ Monkey screeching ]

All: Monkey champagne!

[ Cheering ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

And I guess
I'm paying for it, huh?!Mm-hmm.

Hey, what's all this
who pays for this,

who pays for that,
Delilah?

It's not very Christian.
In fact, it's kind of Jewish.

Well, then call me Jewish
and this bottle's Christ,

'cause I'm killing it!

Oh, that's
kind of anti-Semitic.

The Romans
killed Christ, right?

I think so.

It's Jesus

I need him, yes

It's Jesus

Lord Jesus

I need him, yes

I need him, yes

You don't need
your colleagues

You don't need your friends

You don't need no teachers

No social trends

Hey!
Who needs cash?!

'Cause God apparently says

if you don't give it all away,
you suck!

Shit-zekeal 69!

No, Ezekiel only had
47 chapters.

[Bleep] off!

Oh, Delilah,
it's a joke.

We're taking the piss
out of ya.

You want to take the piss
out of me?!

Fine!
You can take that, too!

Take it all!

Can I have your attention,
please?

I would like to introduce you
to someone who was a sinner

but came to us and found
her way, just like all of you.

Please give our newest sister
a warm welcome

to our community --
Delilah!

[ Urinating ]

[ Monkey screeches ]

Oh.

I-I --
You fed me alcohol.

No, I didn't.
We're a Christian club.

You're drinking
non-alcoholic fizzy.

Then -- Then why
am I drunk?

You're not.
No one is.

We're just high
on Christ.

Well, uh,
what should I do now?

Well,
I'd say "piss off,"

but you already have...

all over the table.

Aah!

[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]

How is this woman
even my mother?

I know.
Sometimes Dad does stuff,

and I'm like, "There's no way
I'm related to that guy."

Heh.

Anyway, so,
you were two months in,

you got a shitty haircut,
no money.

What'd you do then?

I did what shedid.

I found the money tree.

Great to see you,
little gummy bear.

[ Chuckles ]

Jared: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

I cannot believe
J.R.'s back!

I mean, why would you bury him
in the third story?

The guy's a star.

I mean, you lead
with that shit, man.

[ Groans ]You lead with it.

[ Softly ]
Man, J.R.'s so cool.

I can't do it, kid.

I took a shot at parenting,
and I choked.

Well, not literally.

I never gave a shit enough
to get violent.

To choke somebody,

you have
to have expectations.

I was just
a lousy dad.

You know, I'm not asking you
to parent me.
Uh-huh.

I want to help you
run drugs

or whatever
you're running.

Soccer balls?

Full of drugs?[ Chuckles ]

No, I'm just making
charitable runs to Russia.

That doesn't
sound like you.

You're right.
It doesn't.

I'll have to work
on that story.

Still and all, I can't have you
leading this kind of life.

You're not
cut out for it.

I stole $150,000,
an identity, and a car.

I'm good
at this thief stuff.

[ Chuckles ]

But I'm not a thief.

I just happen to think
governments do nothing

to deserve the huge taxes
and tariffs they make me pay.

Well,
they built this port

and the highway
I took to get here.

Touché.

I'll tell you what.

If you can spot the heat
that's watching us right now,

you're in.

I can always use
a good pair of eyes.

Oh, okay.
Um, let's see.

Um...

Well...
[ Chuckles nervously ]

Uh...

There's no one here.

Well, then, the answer's
pretty clear, isn't it?

Oh!

Oh, it's you,
isn't it?

Jesus Christ.

I got it.
There is no heat.

There's always heat.
You just can't always spot them.

Wait, that was
a trick question.

Sorry, kid.
You're out.

[ Groans ]You have a nice life.

Hey, Conrad.

Take this paperwork
down to the dock manager

and get it stamped.

Then let's get
the hell out of here.

I can do that.

Knock yourself out.

Yes!

Um, hi there.
I-I'm here to --

Paperwork.
Here.

Everything okay?Yeah, totally.

These numbers look off.

What are you shipping?

Uh, balls.
Soccer balls.

[ Stammers ] We -- We call 'em
soccer balls.

The rest of the world
calls them footballs.

What do you call them
here in Canada?

Soccer balls.

Well, you shouldn't,

because, when you
think about it,

soccer -- soccer --
"footballs" makes more sense

because you play
with your foot.

[ Stuttering ]
Balls. Feet.

Fo-- balls.

Come with me.
Mm-hmm.

[ Whispering ] Shit.

You know, you probably should've
joined the improv club.

You'd be a lot
quicker on your feet.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, when's Pee paw
coming back to the story?

That guy's awesome.

One second.
Pee paw!

-Hey!
-Pee paw!

Hey!
Let's open it up.

Why?

It's just soccer balls,

uh, like I said,
for kids.

Poor kids.
D-Do you have kids?
No.

Uh, well, you'd make
an awesome dad.

You really should
have kids.

So, can we just
sign the papers

so we can get
the hell out of here?

Either you open it
or the heat does.

It's your call.

Um...

[ Clipboard hits the ground ]

Okay.
I guess I'm opening it.Wait.

You really don't
have to open it.[ Door rattles ]

It's just -- Let me just get
my Pee paw for a second.

[ Crowbar clanks ]You really don't
have to open it.

[ Shrieks ]

[ Screams ]

Aah! God!
I'm covered in drugs!

[ Screaming ]
It burns! Help me!

Drugs!

Are you seeing this?

This is just so much worse
than I thought it would be.

It burns!
Drugs!

It's milk!
Chill!

[ Whimpers ]

So, this whole thing
was just for milk?

Well, I mean,
if you think

Grade A Canadian homo milk
is just milk.

But -- But you told me
it was drugs!

I definitely did not.

Though it'd be
a hell of a lot easier

to ship this shit
if it weredrugs.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Homo milk, huh?
Is that from gay cows?

"Homo" is short
for "homogenized."

Here, man.

My man.
Good to see you.

All right, man.

One oligarch controls 99%
of the Russian dairy market,

so the people have no choice
but to drink

his overpriced,
under-pasteurized swill.

This homo stuff is cheap,
and it's easy,

which is what the Russian people
really want.

Okay, boys!

Clean this up.
Let's get it on the boat.

Wait, please.

I don't have
anywhere else to go.

Go home.

You don't belong here.

You're not like your mother.
You're a good person.

This will barely get me
a bus ticket.

So?
You'll steal the rest.

You're good at this
thief stuff, right?

Isn't that
what you told me?

You just gave that guy
a thousand bucks!

No, that guy just earned
a thousand bucks.

[ Quietly ]
You told me it was drugs.

No, I didn't!

Yeah!

Get some!
Oh, yeah!

So, why'd you do it?
Why'd you leave?

I just wanted
a place to belong

where people accepted me
for who I am.

You had that.
It's called home.

I know, but we were
so messed up.

What family isn't?
[ Sighs ]

I bet you guys barely
even noticed I was gone.

Are you kidding me?

We traveled the globe
chasing your videos.

You guys actually went
to all those places?!

Bet you guys had
a lot of fun without me.

Oh, no.
It was terrible.

But Japan.

Oh, God.
Japan was the worst.

[ Gong sounds ]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ha-ha!

Aaaaaah!