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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,544 --> 00:00:21,544 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:00:26,581 --> 00:00:30,902 (LAUGHING) 3 00:00:31,535 --> 00:00:35,051 Alright, so, Mano e mano 4 00:00:35,693 --> 00:00:38,356 how many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name? 5 00:00:39,161 --> 00:00:40,626 More than I'd like to talk about. 6 00:00:41,039 --> 00:00:42,825 Especially since a lot of them argue with me 7 00:00:42,827 --> 00:00:44,586 when I tell 'em it is my real name. 8 00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:46,515 Like, how are you gonna tell me what my name is? 9 00:00:46,517 --> 00:00:48,283 I think I know more about it than you do. 10 00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:51,516 She's cute. 11 00:00:52,504 --> 00:00:54,964 I bet you 20 bones she has a kid. 12 00:00:54,966 --> 00:00:57,084 How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo? 13 00:00:57,086 --> 00:00:59,934 Always trust the bubbling stomach. 14 00:00:59,936 --> 00:01:01,184 Why is your stomach bubbling? 15 00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,019 Just scroll. 16 00:01:06,763 --> 00:01:09,294 Illmatic, you're right. 17 00:01:09,296 --> 00:01:10,874 Of all the photos you're gonna post of your kid, 18 00:01:10,876 --> 00:01:14,174 why would you post the one directly after you gave birth? 19 00:01:14,176 --> 00:01:15,204 She looks hideous. 20 00:01:15,206 --> 00:01:17,724 I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing. 21 00:01:17,726 --> 00:01:20,014 Nothing beautiful about that. 22 00:01:20,016 --> 00:01:21,734 Is that her placenta? 23 00:01:21,736 --> 00:01:23,524 Gladly swiping left. 24 00:01:23,526 --> 00:01:24,564 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 25 00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:26,254 Okay, which one is she? 26 00:01:26,256 --> 00:01:29,814 Every photo is her with the same four girls. 27 00:01:29,816 --> 00:01:31,084 I'm trying to find Ms. Right Now 28 00:01:31,086 --> 00:01:33,024 and she wants to play where's fucking Waldo? 29 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,584 I detest that shit. 30 00:01:34,586 --> 00:01:35,474 You know when girls do that, 31 00:01:35,476 --> 00:01:36,764 it's usually 'cause they're the ugliest 32 00:01:36,766 --> 00:01:37,836 one out of the group of friends. 33 00:01:37,838 --> 00:01:38,669 Mhmm. 34 00:01:38,671 --> 00:01:41,624 Then it must be this one. 35 00:01:41,626 --> 00:01:43,834 Duff, you have been spotted. 36 00:01:43,836 --> 00:01:45,949 Ooh, she looks like fuckin' Beetlejuice. 37 00:01:45,951 --> 00:01:47,387 (LAUGHING) 38 00:01:47,389 --> 00:01:48,306 She does! 39 00:01:49,316 --> 00:01:50,779 To the left, to the left. 40 00:01:51,886 --> 00:01:53,854 Oh yeah, you're 25. 41 00:01:53,856 --> 00:01:54,906 25 times two! 42 00:01:54,908 --> 00:01:57,554 (LAUGHING) 43 00:01:57,556 --> 00:01:58,654 Oh, here we go. 44 00:01:58,656 --> 00:02:00,164 Officially head over heels. 45 00:02:00,166 --> 00:02:02,194 Check it out, a close up of her eye. 46 00:02:02,196 --> 00:02:05,514 And, yep, that's her only photo. 47 00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:06,804 Who wouldn't wanna swipe right? 48 00:02:06,806 --> 00:02:07,639 Beats me. 49 00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,806 Oh, hold on, let me see something. 50 00:02:13,376 --> 00:02:16,884 You've got quite a few messages, Master Picasso. 51 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,484 A lot more than I thought you'd have. 52 00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:19,317 Well, if you open up the conversation, 53 00:02:19,319 --> 00:02:21,704 you'll see they're mostly just lonely heys 54 00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,174 that no one ever responded to. 55 00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:25,754 You can't just say hey to these girls. 56 00:02:25,756 --> 00:02:27,824 The second you match with them you gotta 57 00:02:27,826 --> 00:02:29,214 do something to show them you're not just one 58 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,714 of the millions of guys that wanna make bacon with them. 59 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,154 But I do wanna make bacon with them. 60 00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:33,987 Well, you're not gonna put anything 61 00:02:33,989 --> 00:02:37,044 in the pan with a dry fuckin' DM like hey. 62 00:02:37,046 --> 00:02:42,134 Every hot girl's DM is 50% lewd messages, 50% heys. 63 00:02:42,136 --> 00:02:43,104 You gotta find the middle ground. 64 00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,454 You gotta do something unique. 65 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,369 Well, my heys did work on someone. 66 00:02:47,856 --> 00:02:49,414 Oh, this girl, Sisanie? 67 00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:50,324 Yeah. 68 00:02:50,326 --> 00:02:51,801 We've been talking for like two weeks, 69 00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:54,104 And I can actually keep a conversation going with her. 70 00:02:54,106 --> 00:02:57,294 No lags, no pretending to be interested. 71 00:02:57,296 --> 00:02:58,874 I mean, it's a good deal. 72 00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:00,119 We text, like, everyday. 73 00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:02,174 Have you guys meet in person yet? 74 00:03:02,176 --> 00:03:03,764 No. 75 00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,744 Is a face to face meeting in the works? 76 00:03:05,746 --> 00:03:06,579 Nope. 77 00:03:14,312 --> 00:03:15,334 Dude, will you stop? 78 00:03:15,336 --> 00:03:16,331 What is that for? 79 00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:17,514 That's for preferring to talk 80 00:03:17,516 --> 00:03:19,504 to an attractive young woman on your phone 81 00:03:19,506 --> 00:03:21,774 than talking to her pussy lips in real time! 82 00:03:21,776 --> 00:03:23,414 I've seen Catfish! 83 00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:24,787 And if I've learned anything from Nev and Max 84 00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:28,084 it's that anything that seems too good, really is too good. 85 00:03:28,086 --> 00:03:30,144 Right now, this girl's on a pillar, you know. 86 00:03:30,146 --> 00:03:32,564 She's cool, she's chill, and I don't wanna ruin 87 00:03:32,566 --> 00:03:34,924 what we have by meeting her in person. 88 00:03:34,926 --> 00:03:36,474 What if she's a guy? 89 00:03:36,476 --> 00:03:38,124 Or what if she is who she says she is, 90 00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:40,234 but her real life personality pales 91 00:03:40,236 --> 00:03:42,804 in comparison to her online personality. 92 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,544 When I'm not looking for girls to fuck, 93 00:03:44,546 --> 00:03:46,464 I can just sit back, unwind, 94 00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:48,116 and shoot the shit with Sisanie. 95 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,834 What, the, stop, stop! 96 00:03:51,836 --> 00:03:53,744 What the fuck kinda logic is that? 97 00:03:53,746 --> 00:03:56,014 This girl responded to your boring ass hey 98 00:03:56,016 --> 00:03:58,784 and has sustained a conversation with you for weeks. 99 00:03:58,786 --> 00:03:59,674 She's pretty. 100 00:03:59,676 --> 00:04:01,314 She clearly likes the same things as you. 101 00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:03,634 Look, she's got a Courage the Cowardly Dog shirt 102 00:04:03,636 --> 00:04:04,714 for crying out loud. 103 00:04:04,716 --> 00:04:06,833 This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you. 104 00:04:06,835 --> 00:04:07,854 Dude, but what if she's a catfish? 105 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,794 What if she's not a catfish? 106 00:04:09,796 --> 00:04:14,454 Picasso, listen to me with both ears, alright? 107 00:04:14,456 --> 00:04:17,084 If you haven't at least discussed the possibility 108 00:04:17,086 --> 00:04:19,794 of meeting this girl in person by the next time I see you, 109 00:04:19,796 --> 00:04:22,564 I will personally give you a vasectomy 110 00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:25,059 with a rusty safety pin, capiche? 111 00:04:26,586 --> 00:04:30,134 Her vagina is calling your name, dude. 112 00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:34,105 Oh, Picasso, oh, Picasso. 113 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:34,938 What are you doing? 114 00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:36,588 Just give me that salami. 115 00:04:36,590 --> 00:04:37,421 Stop, just stop. 116 00:04:37,423 --> 00:04:39,194 Just give me that sausage. 117 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,470 I can take it. 118 00:04:40,472 --> 00:04:42,435 Come on, shove it in there, big boy! 119 00:04:42,437 --> 00:04:43,711 Stop it, stop it please! 120 00:04:43,713 --> 00:04:45,134 Come on, shiver me timbers! 121 00:04:45,136 --> 00:04:47,168 (LAUGHING) 122 00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:48,170 Oh my God! 123 00:04:49,196 --> 00:04:51,779 (UPBEAT MUSIC) 124 00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,911 ♪ Look, I graduated ♪ 125 00:05:05,913 --> 00:05:07,537 ♪ You can do anything you imaginated ♪ 126 00:05:07,539 --> 00:05:09,268 ♪ That's magic, ain't it ♪ 127 00:05:09,270 --> 00:05:12,330 ♪ Graduated from public school, that special ed ♪ 128 00:05:12,332 --> 00:05:13,841 ♪ That's football team ♪ 129 00:05:13,843 --> 00:05:16,007 ♪ Since 13, had football dreams ♪ 130 00:05:16,009 --> 00:05:18,088 ♪ Most people waited on the sideline ♪ 131 00:05:18,090 --> 00:05:19,881 ♪ Waited for a one time enough ♪ 132 00:05:19,883 --> 00:05:21,469 ♪ And I'm like, but tonight ♪ 133 00:05:21,471 --> 00:05:23,349 ♪ I'm a shot in the moonlight ♪ 134 00:05:23,351 --> 00:05:25,178 ♪ Made news like Michael Jackson ♪ 135 00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:27,444 ♪ So it's time for action, I go ♪ 136 00:05:27,446 --> 00:05:29,024 ♪ Graduated to a party bus ♪ 137 00:05:29,026 --> 00:05:30,914 ♪ I'm going to college, I had enough ♪ 138 00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:31,868 ♪ Going to live it up ♪ 139 00:05:31,870 --> 00:05:33,263 ♪ Pour a drink in a red cup ♪ 140 00:05:33,265 --> 00:05:34,840 ♪ Drunk white girl throw it up ♪ 141 00:05:34,842 --> 00:05:38,601 ♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪ 142 00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:42,630 ♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪ 143 00:05:42,632 --> 00:05:46,269 ♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪ 144 00:05:46,271 --> 00:05:47,986 ♪ All night, all night ♪ 145 00:05:47,988 --> 00:05:50,350 ♪ All night, all night ♪ 146 00:05:50,352 --> 00:05:54,290 ♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪ 147 00:05:54,292 --> 00:05:56,655 ♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪ 148 00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:58,407 Uh, so many stairs. 149 00:05:59,436 --> 00:06:02,004 Well, technically, I could get shot anywhere. 150 00:06:02,006 --> 00:06:02,994 The fact that this is Inglewood 151 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,144 shouldn't make a difference. 152 00:06:05,146 --> 00:06:07,874 It's actually not that sketch. 153 00:06:07,876 --> 00:06:09,169 Looks pretty nice inside. 154 00:06:10,506 --> 00:06:11,964 Asshole. 155 00:06:11,966 --> 00:06:13,794 No, but are you sure you know the plan? 156 00:06:13,796 --> 00:06:15,424 Because you tend to have selective memory 157 00:06:15,426 --> 00:06:17,649 and I wanna make sure my plan is foolproof. 158 00:06:18,936 --> 00:06:22,624 Okay, sad face means call me so I can make an exit 159 00:06:22,626 --> 00:06:25,279 elegantly, and happy face means I can stay. 160 00:06:27,646 --> 00:06:30,654 Okay, fuck you very much. 161 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,122 Bye, bitch. 162 00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:34,791 (PHONE BEEPING) 163 00:06:41,579 --> 00:06:42,429 You'll be fine. 164 00:06:44,669 --> 00:06:45,502 It'll be fine. 165 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:49,142 It'll be fine. 166 00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:54,622 Yeah, I think it'll be fine. 167 00:07:09,219 --> 00:07:10,050 Hi. 168 00:07:10,052 --> 00:07:10,885 Hey. 169 00:07:13,629 --> 00:07:14,462 Thank you. 170 00:07:34,669 --> 00:07:38,002 (ELEVATOR DOOR DINGING) 171 00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:41,814 Thank you. 172 00:07:44,883 --> 00:07:46,469 This is a fuckin' maze. 173 00:07:46,471 --> 00:07:47,302 Yeah. 174 00:07:47,304 --> 00:07:49,034 There's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment, 175 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,717 but I thought for the sake of presentation 176 00:07:50,719 --> 00:07:52,257 I might as well meet you in front. 177 00:07:52,259 --> 00:07:54,797 Well, you should know that I hate walking. 178 00:07:54,799 --> 00:07:56,937 If I could ride around in one of those electric 179 00:07:56,939 --> 00:08:00,107 shopping carts for the rest of my life, I would. 180 00:08:00,109 --> 00:08:01,537 Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts, 181 00:08:01,539 --> 00:08:03,767 but there's a few janky ones lying around. 182 00:08:03,769 --> 00:08:04,600 I could push you in one. 183 00:08:04,602 --> 00:08:06,487 I might just take you up on that. 184 00:08:06,489 --> 00:08:08,197 But only if the cart's missing a wheel 185 00:08:08,199 --> 00:08:09,977 and it smells like piss. 186 00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:11,652 Well, I'll see what I can muster up. 187 00:08:14,089 --> 00:08:15,777 How long have we been walking? 188 00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:18,347 Uh, less than a minute. 189 00:08:18,349 --> 00:08:19,923 My feet hurt already. 190 00:08:19,925 --> 00:08:21,017 You really do hate walking. 191 00:08:21,019 --> 00:08:22,162 I did warn you. 192 00:08:23,149 --> 00:08:24,987 This hallway's kinda sketch. 193 00:08:24,989 --> 00:08:27,157 Yeah, I thought the same thing. 194 00:08:27,159 --> 00:08:28,707 Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around 195 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,267 just to make sure I'm not being followed. 196 00:08:30,269 --> 00:08:32,177 Oh my God, imagine if you were. 197 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,647 Like, Leatherface was just posted up 198 00:08:33,649 --> 00:08:36,292 at the very end of the hallway like, sup, brah. 199 00:08:36,294 --> 00:08:38,971 Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt. 200 00:08:38,973 --> 00:08:40,858 (IMITATING RUNNING) 201 00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:41,693 Not today! 202 00:08:43,179 --> 00:08:44,010 See, not me. 203 00:08:44,012 --> 00:08:46,177 I am one of those people that would royally 204 00:08:46,179 --> 00:08:48,377 piss off the horror movie audience. 205 00:08:48,379 --> 00:08:49,847 I'd just wait to be killed. 206 00:08:49,849 --> 00:08:51,973 I mean, what is the point in wasting 207 00:08:51,975 --> 00:08:54,287 Leatherface's time giving this illusion 208 00:08:54,289 --> 00:08:56,927 that I am capable of engaging in a foot chase. 209 00:08:56,929 --> 00:08:59,767 Nope, just cut me open, I can handle it. 210 00:08:59,769 --> 00:09:02,157 You sure about that? 211 00:09:02,159 --> 00:09:03,527 Nope. 212 00:09:03,529 --> 00:09:05,647 This hallway so reminds me of The Shining though. 213 00:09:05,649 --> 00:09:06,480 Yeah. 214 00:09:06,482 --> 00:09:07,487 Well, if they ever do another remake, 215 00:09:07,489 --> 00:09:08,577 they could do it right here. 216 00:09:08,579 --> 00:09:10,407 Isn't that infuriating? 217 00:09:10,409 --> 00:09:11,967 Another remake. 218 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,257 The Shining is one of those films 219 00:09:13,259 --> 00:09:15,387 that should never be remade. 220 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,897 No one will ever come close to what 221 00:09:16,899 --> 00:09:18,649 Jack Nicholson was able to achieve. 222 00:09:20,889 --> 00:09:22,697 You were supposed to agree with me. 223 00:09:22,699 --> 00:09:24,597 I'm not really crazy about The Shining. 224 00:09:24,599 --> 00:09:26,317 Well, date's over. 225 00:09:26,319 --> 00:09:28,157 Oh, well, I just think it's overrated. 226 00:09:28,159 --> 00:09:29,567 And before you draw your sword, 227 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,387 I'm not saying it's a bad movie. 228 00:09:31,389 --> 00:09:33,037 It definitely had its effective moments, 229 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:36,757 but to say it was the greatest horror movie of all time, 230 00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:38,057 I just don't see it. 231 00:09:38,059 --> 00:09:40,597 That film was style over genuine horror. 232 00:09:40,599 --> 00:09:43,817 Plus, Kubrick put his team through hell. 233 00:09:43,819 --> 00:09:46,037 If a director can't destroy the mental 234 00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:47,847 health of their cast and crew, 235 00:09:47,849 --> 00:09:49,672 they shouldn't call themselves a director. 236 00:09:49,674 --> 00:09:53,484 Um, that's a problematic statement. 237 00:09:53,486 --> 00:09:55,357 Here's what I think. 238 00:09:55,359 --> 00:09:57,877 Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity 239 00:09:57,879 --> 00:10:00,907 to resurrect previously awful movies. 240 00:10:00,909 --> 00:10:03,057 I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films 241 00:10:03,059 --> 00:10:05,157 that could be remade and enriched, 242 00:10:05,159 --> 00:10:08,647 but instead people choose to remake the classics, 243 00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:12,007 the films that should have a do not touch sign on them. 244 00:10:12,009 --> 00:10:13,157 You can say that again. 245 00:10:13,159 --> 00:10:13,992 Do I have to? 246 00:10:19,277 --> 00:10:20,767 Hmm, not too shabby. 247 00:10:20,769 --> 00:10:21,920 Not too shabby at all. 248 00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,767 This is the abode. 249 00:10:23,769 --> 00:10:27,177 I live in a shoebox compared to this. 250 00:10:27,179 --> 00:10:28,417 And you have a staircase. 251 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,957 See, staircases in apartments to me are just, 252 00:10:30,959 --> 00:10:35,227 like, a fuck you to the rest of us studio apartment folk. 253 00:10:35,229 --> 00:10:38,147 Like, not one but two of my floors are bigger 254 00:10:38,149 --> 00:10:39,204 than your entire living space. 255 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,267 There's just a bedroom up there. 256 00:10:41,269 --> 00:10:42,354 It's not that great. 257 00:10:42,356 --> 00:10:44,077 But here's the test. 258 00:10:44,079 --> 00:10:46,367 How many bathrooms do you have? 259 00:10:46,369 --> 00:10:47,200 Two. 260 00:10:47,202 --> 00:10:49,217 Oh, that is exceptional. 261 00:10:49,219 --> 00:10:51,327 So one can blow up your bathroom because you have 262 00:10:51,329 --> 00:10:55,107 one down here for all visitant bowel unloads, huh? 263 00:10:55,109 --> 00:10:57,747 You don't even use the downstairs bathroom, do you? 264 00:10:57,749 --> 00:10:59,157 Not really. 265 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,557 You, young guy, have got it made. 266 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:04,205 This apartment's not that great. 267 00:11:04,207 --> 00:11:06,987 I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, 268 00:11:06,989 --> 00:11:10,457 but this is a pretty sick pad. 269 00:11:10,459 --> 00:11:12,517 I do not see one blemish. 270 00:11:12,519 --> 00:11:14,867 Hmm, well then you haven't looked hard enough. 271 00:11:14,869 --> 00:11:17,215 Bring your eyes this away. 272 00:11:17,217 --> 00:11:19,067 Oh, hiya destruction. 273 00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,437 What happened here? 274 00:11:20,439 --> 00:11:21,777 Bronx. 275 00:11:21,779 --> 00:11:24,927 Bronx as in the borough of New York City? 276 00:11:24,929 --> 00:11:28,317 No, Bronx as in my friend's dog, Bronx. 277 00:11:28,319 --> 00:11:29,617 Goddamn, Gertrude. 278 00:11:29,619 --> 00:11:31,847 My friend, Hut, he got himself a husky. 279 00:11:31,849 --> 00:11:33,379 A very unwise decision. 280 00:11:33,381 --> 00:11:35,017 And why is that? 281 00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,957 Huskies are cuteness overload. 282 00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:40,367 Like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face. 283 00:11:40,369 --> 00:11:41,200 No. 284 00:11:41,202 --> 00:11:42,897 The cuteness of the husky hampers people's 285 00:11:42,899 --> 00:11:44,957 ability to make sound decisions. 286 00:11:44,959 --> 00:11:47,377 My friend, Hut, got himself a husky purely 287 00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:50,267 on the basis that it was his little wolfy-pie. 288 00:11:50,269 --> 00:11:52,307 His words not mine. 289 00:11:52,309 --> 00:11:54,927 Hut got this dog and didn't read up on it. 290 00:11:54,929 --> 00:11:57,847 Huskies are balls of energy. 291 00:11:57,849 --> 00:12:00,247 They get bored easily and when they're not stimulated, 292 00:12:00,249 --> 00:12:02,367 it's chewin' time. 293 00:12:02,369 --> 00:12:05,137 Huskies are little wolfy-pies. 294 00:12:05,139 --> 00:12:06,777 I'd love to have a husky. 295 00:12:06,779 --> 00:12:08,007 They're always so happy. 296 00:12:08,009 --> 00:12:09,437 And their fur is like, 297 00:12:09,439 --> 00:12:11,887 they're like little hairy marshmallows. 298 00:12:11,889 --> 00:12:14,657 Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow, 299 00:12:14,659 --> 00:12:16,617 he'd be left alone in Hut's apartment, 300 00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:19,567 and in no time, he was tearing the place apart. 301 00:12:19,569 --> 00:12:21,277 And Hut didn't wanna get mad at the dog 302 00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:23,697 because it was his pup-pup. 303 00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,607 Hut had to get a new couch, new curtains, 304 00:12:25,609 --> 00:12:28,917 new shoes, all thanks to Bronx. 305 00:12:28,919 --> 00:12:30,752 You get off Bronx's back, alright? 306 00:12:31,799 --> 00:12:34,787 Also, if you knew what he was capable of 307 00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:36,927 why'd you let him stay at your apartment. 308 00:12:36,929 --> 00:12:40,047 Especially since you don't seem like a dog person. 309 00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:43,687 I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor. 310 00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:45,127 Hut had to go on a business trip. 311 00:12:45,129 --> 00:12:47,537 Plus, Hut had told me that Bronx 312 00:12:47,539 --> 00:12:50,277 was taking puppy training classes. 313 00:12:50,279 --> 00:12:53,267 So I thought I didn't have anything to worry about. 314 00:12:53,269 --> 00:12:55,767 I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed, 315 00:12:55,769 --> 00:12:57,937 and the next morning, I saw that the little 316 00:12:57,939 --> 00:13:01,187 wolfy-pie had snacked on my apartment. 317 00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:02,797 And the shedding? 318 00:13:02,799 --> 00:13:04,947 These guys shed like nobody's business. 319 00:13:04,949 --> 00:13:07,487 Just white hair clumps everywhere. 320 00:13:07,489 --> 00:13:10,457 Turned my living room into an Alaskan winter. 321 00:13:10,459 --> 00:13:13,887 So are you gonna fix the wreckage? 322 00:13:13,889 --> 00:13:15,847 I got a guy coming next week. 323 00:13:15,849 --> 00:13:17,967 And Hut gave me money to pay for the damages, 324 00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:20,987 but this looks terrible, doesn't it? 325 00:13:20,989 --> 00:13:23,327 Yeah, but it doesn't take away 326 00:13:23,329 --> 00:13:25,687 from how bitchin' this pad is. 327 00:13:25,689 --> 00:13:29,407 I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week. 328 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,787 For a second though, I thought those scratches 329 00:13:31,789 --> 00:13:34,112 were the result of a victim trying to escape. 330 00:13:37,366 --> 00:13:38,197 Thank you. 331 00:13:38,199 --> 00:13:39,030 You're welcome. 332 00:13:39,032 --> 00:13:40,460 I tried to go along with the last girl 333 00:13:40,462 --> 00:13:43,997 that made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing 334 00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:46,327 because her whole demeanor changed, 335 00:13:46,329 --> 00:13:49,817 and she called the Uber with the quickness. 336 00:13:49,819 --> 00:13:52,294 Well, this is kinda American Pyscho-y. 337 00:13:52,296 --> 00:13:55,427 You know, a young guy living in a nice place 338 00:13:55,429 --> 00:13:57,237 by himself, none the less, right? 339 00:13:57,239 --> 00:13:58,637 Yeah. 340 00:13:58,639 --> 00:14:01,037 You could so be a serial killer. 341 00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:02,947 Well, the same could be said about you. 342 00:14:02,949 --> 00:14:04,317 People always think it's the guy 343 00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,507 who invites the girl over to kill her, 344 00:14:06,509 --> 00:14:07,757 but what about the girl that comes over 345 00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:10,287 to the guy's house to kill him? 346 00:14:10,289 --> 00:14:11,120 You're right. 347 00:14:11,122 --> 00:14:13,197 Femme fatales, they are out there. 348 00:14:13,199 --> 00:14:16,197 Online dating requires so much trust. 349 00:14:16,199 --> 00:14:19,817 My biggest fear is that I'm gonna meet Justine, 350 00:14:19,819 --> 00:14:21,919 only to find out that she's really Justin. 351 00:14:23,439 --> 00:14:25,147 But the fact that I could be meeting someone 352 00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:28,047 that could possibly end my life, 353 00:14:28,049 --> 00:14:30,980 or cause me great harm is something 354 00:14:30,982 --> 00:14:33,507 I don't think about as much as I should. 355 00:14:33,509 --> 00:14:37,327 Well, that's a reality I've experienced head on. 356 00:14:37,329 --> 00:14:38,162 Seriously? 357 00:14:39,599 --> 00:14:40,432 Yeah. 358 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,497 It was a little over 3 years ago. 359 00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:47,487 I met this guy on this app. 360 00:14:47,489 --> 00:14:49,287 It was on a different one I used to use. 361 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,992 I don't use it anymore. 362 00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:55,707 But we'd been talking for a couple of months, 363 00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:59,389 and I thought he was... 364 00:15:02,259 --> 00:15:04,297 I was trying to think of another word for Mr. Perfect, 365 00:15:04,299 --> 00:15:07,072 but whatever, he was Mr. Perfect. 366 00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:12,919 I should've known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect. 367 00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:16,597 He was Mr. Perfect At Pretending To Be Mr. Perfect. 368 00:15:16,599 --> 00:15:19,437 But anyway, we decided to meet up, 369 00:15:19,439 --> 00:15:24,122 and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place. 370 00:15:25,289 --> 00:15:27,027 As soon as he got there I knew that 371 00:15:27,029 --> 00:15:29,107 he didn't actually want to spend time with me. 372 00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:33,087 He just, he wanted to do the deed. 373 00:15:33,089 --> 00:15:35,847 Everything he said had something to do with sex. 374 00:15:35,849 --> 00:15:40,849 And I immediately knew this was gonna suck. 375 00:15:41,129 --> 00:15:45,587 So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, 376 00:15:45,589 --> 00:15:48,977 but he insisted that we watch it on my bed. 377 00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:51,407 Another trap I fell into. 378 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,777 But, I just, I felt uncomfortable, 379 00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:58,077 and I thought, be nice, watch the movie, 380 00:15:58,079 --> 00:15:59,502 and maybe he'll go home. 381 00:16:00,889 --> 00:16:03,877 And not five minutes into the movie 382 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:08,877 he's kissing me, and just being really rough. 383 00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:11,717 And I try pushing him off, but then he just got stronger, 384 00:16:11,719 --> 00:16:15,487 and he made this really awkward eye contact, 385 00:16:15,489 --> 00:16:19,675 and he said, you want me to leave, right? 386 00:16:19,677 --> 00:16:20,907 Well, I will. 387 00:16:20,909 --> 00:16:22,062 Right after this. 388 00:16:23,689 --> 00:16:29,786 And here's the kicker, I didn't fight back. 389 00:16:31,119 --> 00:16:32,607 I didn't scream. 390 00:16:32,609 --> 00:16:37,167 I could've done anything in my power to get him off. 391 00:16:37,169 --> 00:16:40,254 I could've done all these things I always told myself 392 00:16:40,256 --> 00:16:42,956 I'd do if something like this would ever happen to me. 393 00:16:44,309 --> 00:16:49,309 But then I thought, I could be the next headline 394 00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:51,872 on one of those Facebook articles. 395 00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:56,132 Woman raped and murdered by online date. 396 00:16:57,429 --> 00:17:02,429 So I just lied there, and I cried, 397 00:17:04,219 --> 00:17:07,167 and I guess that turned him off because 398 00:17:07,169 --> 00:17:10,006 he got off of me and left. 399 00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:14,952 And then he blocked me and I never heard from him again. 400 00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:20,057 I'm sorry. 401 00:17:20,059 --> 00:17:22,487 Things just got really fuckin' dark. 402 00:17:22,489 --> 00:17:25,947 Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories. 403 00:17:25,949 --> 00:17:28,617 And now I'm trying to make light of it. 404 00:17:28,619 --> 00:17:31,602 Oh my God, there's no coming back from this, is there? 405 00:17:33,429 --> 00:17:35,571 Thanks for sharing that with me. 406 00:17:35,573 --> 00:17:37,637 And now you're thanking me. 407 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,117 You don't even know what to say. 408 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:40,857 Oh my God, this is like something 409 00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:42,807 you share on the 15th date. 410 00:17:42,809 --> 00:17:46,737 No, it's, you're right, I don't know what I should be saying, 411 00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:50,562 but that guy's a hideous fuckin' guy. 412 00:17:51,649 --> 00:17:54,069 Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me. 413 00:17:54,071 --> 00:17:56,057 I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, 414 00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:59,057 but it's like if you get attacked at a grocery story 415 00:17:59,059 --> 00:18:00,835 are you gonna stop going food shopping? 416 00:18:00,837 --> 00:18:02,647 PICASSO: No. 417 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,647 No, I'm really not trying to make light of this, I just... 418 00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,529 No, you're fine. 419 00:18:09,329 --> 00:18:11,807 So, I thought I'd give it another chance. 420 00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:14,397 And I know most people in my position 421 00:18:14,399 --> 00:18:15,957 wouldn't do that, but... 422 00:18:15,959 --> 00:18:16,792 You're strong. 423 00:18:19,019 --> 00:18:21,042 Yeah, if you say so. 424 00:18:23,468 --> 00:18:25,027 It took me a long-ass time to get back here, 425 00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,907 but here I stand. 426 00:18:27,909 --> 00:18:30,717 And thankfully, since then all I've had 427 00:18:30,719 --> 00:18:32,802 to deal with is harmless losers. 428 00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:36,004 I hope I don't become one of those harmless losers. 429 00:18:36,006 --> 00:18:38,257 Oh, only the night will tell. 430 00:18:38,259 --> 00:18:39,987 Okay, I know what'll get us back on track. 431 00:18:39,989 --> 00:18:41,097 You got any alchy? 432 00:18:41,099 --> 00:18:42,672 Yes, what do you want? 433 00:18:42,674 --> 00:18:43,505 Bud Light? 434 00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:44,647 No. 435 00:18:44,649 --> 00:18:45,480 Budweiser? 436 00:18:45,482 --> 00:18:47,277 Mm, No. 437 00:18:47,279 --> 00:18:49,047 Sam Adams? 438 00:18:49,049 --> 00:18:50,007 No. 439 00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:51,404 Okay, what do you have? 440 00:18:51,406 --> 00:18:53,007 I have apple ale. 441 00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:54,072 Anything else? 442 00:18:57,459 --> 00:18:58,327 No. 443 00:18:58,329 --> 00:19:00,937 So you asked me what I wanted when you 444 00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:03,610 already knew you only had one selection of alchy. 445 00:19:03,612 --> 00:19:05,647 I was hoping you'd ask for apple ale. 446 00:19:05,649 --> 00:19:07,376 That's not even a real beer. 447 00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:09,257 That's like someone promising me a ticket 448 00:19:09,259 --> 00:19:11,387 to a Destiny's Child reunion concert 449 00:19:11,389 --> 00:19:13,389 only to find out Beyoncé won't be there. 450 00:19:14,659 --> 00:19:17,187 Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right. 451 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,357 In their own right. 452 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:19,897 That was such a backhanded compliment. 453 00:19:19,899 --> 00:19:20,947 That's not what I meant. 454 00:19:20,949 --> 00:19:22,177 They are talented. 455 00:19:22,179 --> 00:19:24,947 The only thing they did was elevate Beyoncé's eminence. 456 00:19:24,949 --> 00:19:27,127 They'd sing and dance circles around you. 457 00:19:27,129 --> 00:19:28,007 Well, of course they would. 458 00:19:28,009 --> 00:19:30,087 I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined. 459 00:19:30,089 --> 00:19:33,977 I think Michelle has a great voice, and so does Kelly. 460 00:19:33,979 --> 00:19:36,367 You cannot underplay their journey. 461 00:19:36,369 --> 00:19:38,987 Their journey on Beyoncé's back? 462 00:19:38,989 --> 00:19:40,127 Technical foul. 463 00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:41,617 Okay, but who's the first person you 464 00:19:41,619 --> 00:19:44,409 think of when you hear the words, Destiny's Child? 465 00:19:44,411 --> 00:19:45,242 Beyoncé. 466 00:19:45,244 --> 00:19:47,377 No, I actually think of Michelle. 467 00:19:47,379 --> 00:19:49,397 Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment? 468 00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:52,607 Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child existed 469 00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,977 was to prepare Beyoncé for the phenomenal 470 00:19:54,979 --> 00:19:57,197 solo career that she was destined for. 471 00:19:57,199 --> 00:19:59,447 That's all any boy or girl group is. 472 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,297 They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer 473 00:20:01,299 --> 00:20:04,297 is so they can go solo and become megastars. 474 00:20:04,299 --> 00:20:05,147 Look at N'Sync. 475 00:20:05,149 --> 00:20:06,737 Who's the first person you think of? 476 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:07,570 Justin Timberlake. 477 00:20:07,572 --> 00:20:08,987 No, J.C. 478 00:20:08,989 --> 00:20:11,507 I always thought he had a better voice than J-Timz. 479 00:20:11,509 --> 00:20:12,777 J-Timz? 480 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,257 What is he, you're fucking golf buddy. 481 00:20:15,259 --> 00:20:16,207 Okay, fine. 482 00:20:16,209 --> 00:20:17,357 Forget N'Sync. 483 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:18,587 What about Backstreet Boy?. 484 00:20:18,589 --> 00:20:19,527 Who do you think of? 485 00:20:19,529 --> 00:20:20,504 Brian. 486 00:20:20,506 --> 00:20:22,537 No, actually, AJ. 487 00:20:22,539 --> 00:20:24,647 Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me. 488 00:20:24,649 --> 00:20:26,437 You know I'm right. 489 00:20:26,439 --> 00:20:28,127 Okay, here we go. 490 00:20:28,129 --> 00:20:28,960 B2K. 491 00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:30,259 Who drove that group? 492 00:20:30,261 --> 00:20:31,197 Omarion. 493 00:20:31,199 --> 00:20:32,257 Yes. 494 00:20:32,259 --> 00:20:33,447 IMX? 495 00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:34,431 Marques Houston. 496 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,264 Mhmm. 497 00:20:35,266 --> 00:20:36,307 H-Town? 498 00:20:36,309 --> 00:20:37,247 Dino. 499 00:20:37,249 --> 00:20:39,277 Could you imagine what that feels like? 500 00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,197 To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit 501 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,477 without the lead singer? 502 00:20:42,479 --> 00:20:44,627 To know your millions of fans are probably 503 00:20:44,629 --> 00:20:46,079 just fans of the lead singer. 504 00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:50,197 Wait, so did you still want that apple ale? 505 00:20:50,199 --> 00:20:52,712 I mean, since there's nothing else, fine. 506 00:21:05,082 --> 00:21:06,307 Thank you, thank you. 507 00:21:06,309 --> 00:21:07,142 Yep, yep. 508 00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,077 So what's the deal with your name? 509 00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:13,347 I gotta get to the bottom of this. 510 00:21:13,349 --> 00:21:14,927 What do you mean, what's the deal with it? 511 00:21:14,929 --> 00:21:16,627 Is Picasso your real name? 512 00:21:16,629 --> 00:21:18,197 I'm sure you've answered that a million times, 513 00:21:18,199 --> 00:21:19,947 but you've never answered me. 514 00:21:19,949 --> 00:21:21,307 My real name is Picasso. 515 00:21:21,309 --> 00:21:24,923 It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced pick-a-so. 516 00:21:24,925 --> 00:21:28,157 And who decided Picasso was the name for you? 517 00:21:28,159 --> 00:21:32,217 The legend goes that my mom had a list of names 518 00:21:32,219 --> 00:21:34,297 and she didn't know which one to pick. 519 00:21:34,299 --> 00:21:37,357 And my dad was very, very impatient. 520 00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:38,747 Annoyingly so. 521 00:21:38,749 --> 00:21:39,957 Pick! 522 00:21:39,959 --> 00:21:40,903 Pick! 523 00:21:40,905 --> 00:21:43,692 Pick a fuckin' name, you trick-ass bitch. 524 00:21:44,759 --> 00:21:45,887 My dad would never ever talk to my mom like that, 525 00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:47,737 I was taking some creative liberties. 526 00:21:47,739 --> 00:21:49,507 Okay, I think I know how this ends. 527 00:21:49,509 --> 00:21:52,697 Your dad kept telling your mom to pick, she got fed up, 528 00:21:52,699 --> 00:21:55,207 and named you Picasso as a form of rebellion. 529 00:21:55,209 --> 00:21:59,052 No, Picasso was actually one of the names on the list. 530 00:22:00,179 --> 00:22:03,097 24 years later and I still don't know where she got it from. 531 00:22:03,099 --> 00:22:05,757 She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso, 532 00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:08,127 and she gets really upset when people say, 533 00:22:08,129 --> 00:22:10,827 well isn't his name Picasso? 534 00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:12,747 She's adamant that I was named Picasso 535 00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:15,057 and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso. 536 00:22:15,059 --> 00:22:16,887 Well, wouldn't she be proud. 537 00:22:16,889 --> 00:22:18,237 I've been calling you Picasso all night 538 00:22:18,239 --> 00:22:19,107 and you haven't corrected me. 539 00:22:19,109 --> 00:22:20,297 I don't correct anyone. 540 00:22:20,299 --> 00:22:23,167 I wish my name was Picasso, that's why I answer to it. 541 00:22:23,169 --> 00:22:24,497 Picasso sounds like the villain 542 00:22:24,499 --> 00:22:26,340 in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog. 543 00:22:26,342 --> 00:22:28,537 I could so see that. 544 00:22:28,539 --> 00:22:33,247 For some reason I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow 545 00:22:33,249 --> 00:22:35,647 that comes to life and eats your happiness. 546 00:22:35,649 --> 00:22:36,547 Oh, I'd watch that episode. 547 00:22:36,549 --> 00:22:38,932 You bet your ass you'd watch that episode. 548 00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:42,277 So I have something. 549 00:22:42,279 --> 00:22:43,282 Why online dating? 550 00:22:45,469 --> 00:22:47,117 Cause it's there. 551 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:49,697 I feel like that's so Generation Y. 552 00:22:49,699 --> 00:22:51,397 We're too school for cool. 553 00:22:51,399 --> 00:22:54,287 We refuse to find romance the way our parents did. 554 00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:56,777 We have to do it technologically. 555 00:22:56,779 --> 00:22:58,647 Isn't that so ironic, though? 556 00:22:58,649 --> 00:23:01,037 That we're connecting with someone on a device 557 00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:03,982 that isolates us from any and everyone. 558 00:23:05,329 --> 00:23:07,227 I was so Jaden Smith just then. 559 00:23:07,229 --> 00:23:09,157 Wait, I have a Jaden Smithism. 560 00:23:09,159 --> 00:23:12,017 I wish I had a giant toilet 561 00:23:12,019 --> 00:23:14,116 to flush away the world's problems. 562 00:23:14,118 --> 00:23:14,951 Ooh! 563 00:23:16,459 --> 00:23:18,557 If baby goats are called kids, 564 00:23:18,559 --> 00:23:21,117 can kids be called baby goats? 565 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:21,952 Baa! 566 00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:26,962 Haircuts are cranial abortions. 567 00:23:28,889 --> 00:23:31,199 Are we really reading books or are books 568 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,868 BOTH: Reading us? 569 00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:35,857 Okay, so what about you? 570 00:23:35,859 --> 00:23:37,344 Why was online dating the way to go? 571 00:23:37,346 --> 00:23:39,207 The phone's a safety net. 572 00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:42,827 Online you can be anyone, you can say anything. 573 00:23:42,829 --> 00:23:45,044 If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her. 574 00:23:45,046 --> 00:23:47,077 If you get shut down in real life, 575 00:23:47,079 --> 00:23:48,577 you gotta wallow in that defeat. 576 00:23:48,579 --> 00:23:50,687 You can't just act like nothing happened 577 00:23:50,689 --> 00:23:52,127 like you can online. 578 00:23:52,129 --> 00:23:54,357 Yeah, but in the same respect, 579 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,047 when you meet someone in person, 580 00:23:56,049 --> 00:23:58,187 even if they're not interested, 581 00:23:58,189 --> 00:24:00,067 they still have to acknowledge you. 582 00:24:00,069 --> 00:24:02,517 At least, the mannerly person will acknowledge you. 583 00:24:02,519 --> 00:24:05,527 You're there in the flesh, making your interest known. 584 00:24:05,529 --> 00:24:08,057 Whereas, online you get so many messages 585 00:24:08,059 --> 00:24:10,337 that people don't respond to. 586 00:24:10,339 --> 00:24:12,087 You know, there's nothing that compels people 587 00:24:12,089 --> 00:24:13,317 to give you a chance. 588 00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:15,467 Yeah, but there's thousands of options online. 589 00:24:15,469 --> 00:24:17,143 You'll get it in eventually. 590 00:24:17,145 --> 00:24:17,976 Hmm. 591 00:24:17,978 --> 00:24:19,457 I didn't mean that. 592 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:20,827 I was just like... 593 00:24:20,829 --> 00:24:22,462 Removes foot from mouth. 594 00:24:27,869 --> 00:24:29,702 Hello, nurse. 595 00:24:32,099 --> 00:24:33,967 Are You Afraid of the Dark? 596 00:24:33,969 --> 00:24:35,682 The complete series. 597 00:24:37,539 --> 00:24:39,357 That sounded unenthusiastic. 598 00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:41,857 Are You Afraid of the Dark? Is such a whatever show. 599 00:24:41,859 --> 00:24:43,917 When it comes to children's horror anthology, 600 00:24:43,919 --> 00:24:45,187 Goosebumps takes the cake. 601 00:24:45,189 --> 00:24:46,917 You think Goosebumps was a better show 602 00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:48,467 than Are You Afraid of the Dark? 603 00:24:48,469 --> 00:24:50,557 Sisanie, I'm worried about you. 604 00:24:50,559 --> 00:24:53,167 It was light years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark? 605 00:24:53,169 --> 00:24:54,347 Ask anyone. 606 00:24:54,349 --> 00:24:56,637 Clearly, you need a mental evaluation if you're gonna put 607 00:24:56,639 --> 00:24:59,787 Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark? 608 00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:02,997 I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure, 609 00:25:02,999 --> 00:25:06,287 Are You Afraid of the Dark? had less crappy performances. 610 00:25:06,289 --> 00:25:07,677 But, come on. 611 00:25:07,679 --> 00:25:10,557 If we're talking about the nostalgia factor, 612 00:25:10,559 --> 00:25:12,407 nothing will trump Goosebumps. 613 00:25:12,409 --> 00:25:14,167 This is a series that won the kiddies 614 00:25:14,169 --> 00:25:17,097 over in television and literature. 615 00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,227 Mad props to R.L. Stine, alright? 616 00:25:19,229 --> 00:25:20,220 Nah. 617 00:25:20,222 --> 00:25:21,837 There was just something so accessible 618 00:25:21,839 --> 00:25:23,227 about Are You Afraid of the Dark? 619 00:25:23,229 --> 00:25:25,547 Here you have a diverse group of kids. 620 00:25:25,549 --> 00:25:27,627 Well, as diverse as you can get 621 00:25:27,629 --> 00:25:29,887 for a Canadian-based program set in the '90's. 622 00:25:29,889 --> 00:25:32,807 But these kids had their own little clique, 623 00:25:32,809 --> 00:25:35,447 the Midnight Society, and they'd sit around 624 00:25:35,449 --> 00:25:37,217 and tell campfire tales. 625 00:25:37,219 --> 00:25:39,177 What kid can't relate to telling 626 00:25:39,179 --> 00:25:41,097 ghost stories with their friends? 627 00:25:41,099 --> 00:25:43,863 The concept alone stole my heart. 628 00:25:43,865 --> 00:25:47,777 But Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun. 629 00:25:47,779 --> 00:25:48,637 See, there it is. 630 00:25:48,639 --> 00:25:49,497 Fun. 631 00:25:49,499 --> 00:25:52,672 I will agree that Goosebumps was funner, or more fun. 632 00:25:53,909 --> 00:25:55,847 Why isn't funner a real word? 633 00:25:55,849 --> 00:25:57,847 It sounds like a real word. 634 00:25:57,849 --> 00:25:58,847 I think it sounds like a real world. 635 00:25:58,849 --> 00:26:01,009 Picasso, please focus. 636 00:26:01,011 --> 00:26:02,547 Goosebumps was fun, 637 00:26:02,549 --> 00:26:06,067 but Are You Afraid of the Dark? was scary. 638 00:26:06,069 --> 00:26:09,597 That's why it'll always fart on Goosebumps. 639 00:26:09,599 --> 00:26:11,917 The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, 640 00:26:11,919 --> 00:26:13,487 were watered down. 641 00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:15,547 You can tell they were made for kids. 642 00:26:15,549 --> 00:26:19,827 But are You Afraid of the Dark? had zero chill. 643 00:26:19,829 --> 00:26:22,757 The villains were scary, the storylines were dark, 644 00:26:22,759 --> 00:26:26,007 and they had no problem ending a tale on a down note. 645 00:26:26,009 --> 00:26:27,837 They went there. 646 00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:32,297 I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself. 647 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,987 Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right? 648 00:26:34,989 --> 00:26:36,602 We can handle the bleak shit. 649 00:26:38,439 --> 00:26:41,167 I'm just saying, if I had the choice 650 00:26:41,169 --> 00:26:45,077 to binge-watch Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark? 651 00:26:45,079 --> 00:26:47,787 I'm always gonna go with Goosebumps. 652 00:26:47,789 --> 00:26:50,657 Even if my preference is solely based 653 00:26:50,659 --> 00:26:53,887 on the fond memories I have of buying as many Goosebumps 654 00:26:53,889 --> 00:26:55,867 stories as I could at the school book fair 655 00:26:55,869 --> 00:26:58,597 or watching the show on Saturday mornings. 656 00:26:58,599 --> 00:27:01,167 The happiness that Goosebumps brought me 657 00:27:01,169 --> 00:27:04,332 ranks it leaps and bounds above Are You Afraid of the Dark? 658 00:27:09,661 --> 00:27:11,037 I know what I wanted to ask you? 659 00:27:11,039 --> 00:27:12,557 How much is rent here? 660 00:27:12,559 --> 00:27:13,667 Like $200 something. 661 00:27:13,669 --> 00:27:14,687 Fall off a cliff. 662 00:27:14,689 --> 00:27:16,547 You pay $200 something to live here? 663 00:27:16,549 --> 00:27:18,637 Well, I own it, that's why. 664 00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:20,277 You're a homeowner? 665 00:27:20,279 --> 00:27:21,157 Yeah. 666 00:27:21,159 --> 00:27:22,242 You own a home. 667 00:27:23,259 --> 00:27:25,797 That is what homeowner means. 668 00:27:25,799 --> 00:27:27,867 Are you like low-key millionaire or something? 669 00:27:27,869 --> 00:27:29,107 No. 670 00:27:29,109 --> 00:27:31,937 My grandfather built cars for Ford. 671 00:27:31,939 --> 00:27:35,127 He worked there for almost 30 years. 672 00:27:35,129 --> 00:27:36,847 He made some very nice money, 673 00:27:36,849 --> 00:27:39,607 and when he passed he left me a little dough. 674 00:27:39,609 --> 00:27:42,947 A little dough to buy a fuckin' condo. 675 00:27:42,949 --> 00:27:44,887 How much did this place cost? 676 00:27:44,889 --> 00:27:46,587 No, you don't have to answer that. 677 00:27:46,589 --> 00:27:47,427 Wait, yes you do. 678 00:27:47,429 --> 00:27:48,260 How much? 679 00:27:48,262 --> 00:27:50,127 It was not cheap. 680 00:27:50,129 --> 00:27:51,332 That's what I will say. 681 00:27:52,479 --> 00:27:54,807 So what kind of car do you drive, a Beemer? 682 00:27:54,809 --> 00:27:56,741 No, a Prius. 683 00:27:56,743 --> 00:27:57,801 A Prius? 684 00:27:57,803 --> 00:27:59,020 What's wrong with Priuses? 685 00:27:59,022 --> 00:28:01,089 Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius? 686 00:28:01,091 --> 00:28:04,747 Priuses are such anticlimactic cars, you know? 687 00:28:04,749 --> 00:28:07,657 They're also fugly and they're in abundance. 688 00:28:07,659 --> 00:28:10,587 I see, like, 40 Priuses a day and they always make me upset. 689 00:28:10,589 --> 00:28:12,137 Why? 690 00:28:12,139 --> 00:28:13,687 Prius drivers are so smug. 691 00:28:13,689 --> 00:28:16,007 Like, ooh, look at me, I drive the most 692 00:28:16,009 --> 00:28:18,707 fuel efficient gasoline-powered car in the country. 693 00:28:18,709 --> 00:28:20,877 And that's not a good thing? 694 00:28:20,879 --> 00:28:21,957 No, it is. 695 00:28:21,959 --> 00:28:23,502 Then why so hostile? 696 00:28:24,569 --> 00:28:27,587 I don't know, I'll get back to you on that. 697 00:28:27,589 --> 00:28:30,737 Also, why are you driving a Toyota car 698 00:28:30,739 --> 00:28:33,497 when your grandfather put his blood, sweat, and tears 699 00:28:33,499 --> 00:28:36,257 into proudly serving the Ford Motor Company? 700 00:28:36,259 --> 00:28:39,177 You can probably get discounts on Ford products. 701 00:28:39,179 --> 00:28:40,387 Not at all. 702 00:28:40,389 --> 00:28:42,387 Well, you're still lucky. 703 00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:43,777 Not that your grandpa died. 704 00:28:43,779 --> 00:28:44,927 I'm sorry about that. 705 00:28:44,929 --> 00:28:47,307 But leaving you the inheritance? 706 00:28:47,309 --> 00:28:50,567 I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money. 707 00:28:50,569 --> 00:28:52,807 Actually, I don't need the money, 708 00:28:52,809 --> 00:28:54,927 I just wish my grandpa would die. 709 00:28:54,929 --> 00:28:56,287 I don't like my grandpa. 710 00:28:56,289 --> 00:28:58,067 He can't say anything without yelling, 711 00:28:58,069 --> 00:29:00,047 he always spits when he talks, 712 00:29:00,049 --> 00:29:03,427 he can't say thank you, and he always smells 713 00:29:03,429 --> 00:29:05,667 like olives when he doesn't even eat olives. 714 00:29:05,669 --> 00:29:07,467 Isn't it interesting how in our old age 715 00:29:07,469 --> 00:29:09,197 we revert back to infancy. 716 00:29:09,199 --> 00:29:13,117 We shit on ourselves freely, we drool when we're excited, 717 00:29:13,119 --> 00:29:16,497 soft foods are marvelous, and we can say 718 00:29:16,499 --> 00:29:19,357 whatever we want without any backlash. 719 00:29:19,359 --> 00:29:22,407 I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa, 720 00:29:22,409 --> 00:29:25,787 and this really obese lady walked by, 721 00:29:25,789 --> 00:29:29,012 and my grandfather said, very loudly, 722 00:29:30,029 --> 00:29:32,262 she got the nodamnneck syndrome. 723 00:29:33,439 --> 00:29:36,397 Grandpa, what is nodamnneck? 724 00:29:36,399 --> 00:29:40,612 He said, no damn neck. 725 00:29:41,637 --> 00:29:42,957 And the lady heard him. 726 00:29:42,959 --> 00:29:47,872 She turned around, looked at him, and then walked away. 727 00:29:48,876 --> 00:29:50,077 You know if I had said that... 728 00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:52,097 She would've beaten the ambition out of you. 729 00:29:52,099 --> 00:29:53,587 Exactly. 730 00:29:53,589 --> 00:29:55,447 And that wasn't the first or last time 731 00:29:55,449 --> 00:29:57,677 my grandfather said something crazy like that. 732 00:29:57,679 --> 00:30:02,679 Now, my mom isn't the best cook, but she tries. 733 00:30:02,869 --> 00:30:05,007 Every Sunday she would make us breakfast. 734 00:30:05,009 --> 00:30:08,397 Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it. 735 00:30:08,399 --> 00:30:10,937 Now her eggs weren't so bad, 736 00:30:10,939 --> 00:30:14,197 but her pancakes were a calamity. 737 00:30:14,199 --> 00:30:18,067 Now, my father and I, we'd never say anything about it, 738 00:30:18,069 --> 00:30:20,397 we'd just eat the pancakes and pretend 739 00:30:20,399 --> 00:30:22,942 they were the best flapjacks that we ever had. 740 00:30:23,879 --> 00:30:27,287 My grandfather came over one Sunday, 741 00:30:27,289 --> 00:30:29,207 and he ate the food, no problem. 742 00:30:29,209 --> 00:30:31,657 But after breakfast, my mom asked him how 743 00:30:31,659 --> 00:30:35,577 he liked the pancakes, and he said he would like them 744 00:30:35,579 --> 00:30:38,717 better if they didn't taste like hot shit. 745 00:30:38,719 --> 00:30:39,601 Goddamn, Gertrude. 746 00:30:39,603 --> 00:30:41,967 My mom didn't even get offended. 747 00:30:41,969 --> 00:30:46,537 She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away. 748 00:30:46,539 --> 00:30:47,937 I look forward to that. 749 00:30:47,939 --> 00:30:49,057 Just being the old dude 750 00:30:49,059 --> 00:30:50,736 that doesn't know how to censor himself. 751 00:30:50,738 --> 00:30:52,527 You and me both. 752 00:30:52,529 --> 00:30:55,253 I'm gonna mow kids down in my electric shopping cart. 753 00:30:55,255 --> 00:30:57,505 (LAUGHING) 754 00:30:58,829 --> 00:31:00,917 The thought of our generation being grandparents, 755 00:31:00,919 --> 00:31:02,687 though, is a little scary. 756 00:31:02,689 --> 00:31:05,567 We don't have the same sensibilities our grandparents had. 757 00:31:05,569 --> 00:31:08,867 Sock hops, having to wait a whole week 758 00:31:08,869 --> 00:31:11,577 just to see a new episode of a TV show 759 00:31:11,579 --> 00:31:12,857 Using landlines. 760 00:31:12,859 --> 00:31:14,318 Respecting our elders. 761 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,867 Actually working to get what you want. 762 00:31:16,869 --> 00:31:19,157 Actually having talent to find success 763 00:31:19,159 --> 00:31:20,724 in the film or music industry. 764 00:31:20,726 --> 00:31:23,617 Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents 765 00:31:23,619 --> 00:31:25,550 before you could actually call yourselves a couple. 766 00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:26,383 Yeah. 767 00:31:26,385 --> 00:31:29,787 I think the biggest downfall are the pop culture figures. 768 00:31:29,789 --> 00:31:33,027 Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends. 769 00:31:33,029 --> 00:31:36,187 Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids? 770 00:31:36,189 --> 00:31:39,387 Fetty Wap, Lil' Yatchy, Beiber the Boy Wonder? 771 00:31:39,389 --> 00:31:44,077 We have J. Cole, Bryson Tiller, and your girl, Beyoncé. 772 00:31:44,079 --> 00:31:47,207 We have a few icons among us, but you're right. 773 00:31:47,209 --> 00:31:50,197 It's nowhere near as special as it used to be. 774 00:31:50,199 --> 00:31:51,682 This is making me sad now. 775 00:31:52,799 --> 00:31:55,157 Wait, random realization. 776 00:31:55,159 --> 00:31:56,857 You grilled me about my name, 777 00:31:56,859 --> 00:32:00,327 but I've never met anybody named Sisanie. 778 00:32:00,329 --> 00:32:02,447 Your name's pretty out there too. 779 00:32:02,449 --> 00:32:05,257 Well, it's a pretty uninspired story. 780 00:32:05,259 --> 00:32:06,907 I was conceived in Sisani. 781 00:32:06,909 --> 00:32:08,498 That's pretty much it. 782 00:32:08,500 --> 00:32:09,927 Where's Sisani? 783 00:32:09,929 --> 00:32:10,760 It's in Greece. 784 00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:12,877 My parents were vacationing there, 785 00:32:12,879 --> 00:32:15,837 things got a little frisky, and then 9 months later 786 00:32:15,839 --> 00:32:18,247 I was plunged into consciousness. 787 00:32:18,249 --> 00:32:19,197 The only difference is my name 788 00:32:19,199 --> 00:32:20,707 is spelled with an E at the end. 789 00:32:20,709 --> 00:32:22,317 Isn't that unpleasant that your name 790 00:32:22,319 --> 00:32:24,594 brings to mind your parents having sex. 791 00:32:24,596 --> 00:32:25,427 No. 792 00:32:25,429 --> 00:32:27,037 If my parents named me after the place 793 00:32:27,039 --> 00:32:29,397 where they got it on in, I could never hear my name 794 00:32:29,399 --> 00:32:34,267 without thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things. 795 00:32:34,269 --> 00:32:37,242 You may have some things you need to work out then. 796 00:32:39,459 --> 00:32:41,022 You are such a guy. 797 00:32:42,319 --> 00:32:44,017 I feel like I should be offended by that. 798 00:32:44,019 --> 00:32:45,267 No, it's not a bad thing, 799 00:32:45,269 --> 00:32:48,457 it's just your apartment is a guy's apartment. 800 00:32:48,459 --> 00:32:51,489 Minimal furniture, a TV larger than necessary, 801 00:32:51,491 --> 00:32:54,627 and I'm getting a vision that in one of your cabinets 802 00:32:54,629 --> 00:32:56,987 you have a family size bag of chips in it. 803 00:32:56,989 --> 00:32:59,817 Sour Cream and Onion. 804 00:32:59,819 --> 00:33:01,666 How do you do it? 805 00:33:01,668 --> 00:33:03,227 I's good. 806 00:33:03,229 --> 00:33:05,129 So what do you do for fun around here? 807 00:33:12,009 --> 01:06:25,742 Ha. 808 00:33:16,038 --> 00:33:17,527 You lucky little shit. 809 00:33:17,529 --> 00:33:19,857 Is it luck to win 7 times in a row? 810 00:33:19,859 --> 00:33:21,077 This is skill, chica. 811 00:33:21,079 --> 00:33:22,507 No, reset that shit. 812 00:33:22,509 --> 00:33:24,472 Why are you doing this to yourself? 813 00:33:25,479 --> 00:33:26,312 Hmm? 814 00:33:31,789 --> 00:33:36,067 Three, two, one, Ray Allen with the shot! 815 00:33:36,069 --> 00:33:36,902 Booyah! 816 00:33:38,029 --> 00:33:39,590 Where's the sportsmanship? 817 00:33:39,592 --> 00:33:41,612 It's up my ass and down the street. 818 00:33:43,249 --> 00:33:45,531 You don't have to do that, I'll pick it up. 819 00:33:45,533 --> 00:33:47,088 Can you get me another ale, though? 820 00:33:47,090 --> 00:33:49,222 I sure can, loser. 821 00:33:51,449 --> 00:33:53,102 Oh, goodness, everywhere. 822 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:12,717 Look what I found. 823 00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:14,877 This is actually impressive. 824 00:34:14,879 --> 00:34:17,027 You could easily get your rocks off via the internet, 825 00:34:17,029 --> 00:34:19,587 but you are taking it back to the old school 826 00:34:19,589 --> 00:34:21,757 with the hard copy porn. 827 00:34:21,759 --> 00:34:23,292 That deserves a slow clap. 828 00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:25,312 (HANDS CLAPPING) 829 00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:27,567 I actually forgot I had that. 830 00:34:27,569 --> 00:34:29,447 So you're taking ownership then? 831 00:34:29,449 --> 00:34:31,430 No cockamamie excuses? 832 00:34:31,432 --> 00:34:32,767 What could I say? 833 00:34:32,769 --> 00:34:34,497 Your friend, Hut, left it. 834 00:34:34,499 --> 00:34:35,667 Nope, it's all me. 835 00:34:35,669 --> 00:34:38,484 Hmm, you got a lot of these? 836 00:34:38,486 --> 00:34:41,227 Not a lot, but there are others. 837 00:34:41,229 --> 00:34:42,842 More honesty, good for you. 838 00:34:43,909 --> 00:34:45,747 One thing I will say is I don't always 839 00:34:45,749 --> 00:34:48,087 look through that for gratification. 840 00:34:48,089 --> 00:34:49,837 I also do it because I find something 841 00:34:49,839 --> 00:34:51,267 feministic about porn stars. 842 00:34:51,269 --> 00:34:53,367 You were doing so well. 843 00:34:53,369 --> 00:34:55,217 Now you're flinging shit in my face. 844 00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:58,947 I mean, doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work 845 00:34:58,949 --> 00:35:00,747 despite the way it's advertised, 846 00:35:00,749 --> 00:35:03,427 but I still find something feministic 847 00:35:03,429 --> 00:35:05,627 about women in the porn industry. 848 00:35:05,629 --> 00:35:08,637 Yeah, cum on my face Mr. Postman. 849 00:35:08,639 --> 00:35:10,707 What freedom fighters they are. 850 00:35:10,709 --> 00:35:14,997 Well, on a cursory level it seems very demeaning, 851 00:35:14,999 --> 00:35:17,557 but these women are loaded. 852 00:35:17,559 --> 00:35:19,607 Loaded with semen. 853 00:35:19,609 --> 00:35:23,597 No, well yeah, but they're also loaded with cash. 854 00:35:23,599 --> 00:35:25,182 They get paid to screw. 855 00:35:26,259 --> 00:35:28,517 So if you had a daughter and she ended up 856 00:35:28,519 --> 00:35:30,962 being a porn star, you'd support her? 857 00:35:31,959 --> 00:35:34,767 I wouldn't want that, but if she's of age, 858 00:35:34,769 --> 00:35:36,227 she can make a living however she'd like 859 00:35:36,229 --> 00:35:37,397 as long as it's legal. 860 00:35:37,399 --> 00:35:38,497 You don't mean that. 861 00:35:38,499 --> 00:35:41,987 Look, women are sexualized everyday against their will. 862 00:35:41,989 --> 00:35:45,087 Porn stars are totally and completely in control 863 00:35:45,089 --> 00:35:47,487 of what goes in or out of their bodies. 864 00:35:47,489 --> 00:35:50,057 They're not doing anything that they don't wanna do. 865 00:35:50,059 --> 00:35:52,227 Yeah, but what about those videos 866 00:35:52,229 --> 00:35:53,957 where the dudes take it too far? 867 00:35:53,959 --> 00:35:56,187 They go way past their co-stars comfort level 868 00:35:56,189 --> 00:35:57,807 without having an ounce of compassion. 869 00:35:57,809 --> 00:36:00,057 Those guys are dick-shits, but for the most part, 870 00:36:00,059 --> 00:36:02,867 the porn industry has stipulations that are respected. 871 00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:04,867 I'm not saying that women should set their sights 872 00:36:04,869 --> 00:36:06,867 on doing porn, of course not. 873 00:36:06,869 --> 00:36:09,937 I am saying those women that, for whatever reason, 874 00:36:09,939 --> 00:36:11,867 find themselves in that world, 875 00:36:11,869 --> 00:36:14,167 the ones with tough skin, the ones who know 876 00:36:14,169 --> 00:36:17,037 that they're more than just fat-tittied bimbo number 2, 877 00:36:17,039 --> 00:36:19,517 they deserve recognition for paying the bills 878 00:36:19,519 --> 00:36:21,607 with the assets that they've been blessed with. 879 00:36:21,609 --> 00:36:24,117 The assets they were blessed with? 880 00:36:24,119 --> 00:36:28,497 Um, like, 98% of porn stars have fake asses, 881 00:36:28,499 --> 00:36:32,037 fake boobs, fake hair, fake lips, fake eyes. 882 00:36:32,039 --> 00:36:34,587 Well, they're blessed with the money to adorn themselves. 883 00:36:34,589 --> 00:36:36,757 Yeah, but why are they doing that? 884 00:36:36,759 --> 00:36:38,867 They're doing that to follow some beauty chart 885 00:36:38,869 --> 00:36:41,597 that was created by some fuckin' vermin 886 00:36:41,599 --> 00:36:42,787 who thinks he has the authority 887 00:36:42,789 --> 00:36:44,417 to decide what makes a woman attractive. 888 00:36:44,419 --> 00:36:46,057 Yeah, but they're doing what they have 889 00:36:46,059 --> 00:36:47,457 to do to stay in the game. 890 00:36:47,459 --> 00:36:50,437 Yeah, but in the end, it's the men who call the shots. 891 00:36:50,439 --> 00:36:51,877 Hardly feministic. 892 00:36:51,879 --> 00:36:55,467 But the face of porn, the ones that are keeping 893 00:36:55,469 --> 00:36:58,677 this industry as popular as it is, are the women. 894 00:36:58,679 --> 00:37:00,437 Yeah, but look at the side effects. 895 00:37:00,439 --> 00:37:02,677 You got those guys out there that only know how to relate 896 00:37:02,679 --> 00:37:05,907 to women by what they see on their computer screens. 897 00:37:05,909 --> 00:37:07,677 Did you forget what happened to me? 898 00:37:07,679 --> 00:37:08,947 You're totally right. 899 00:37:08,949 --> 00:37:11,657 I'm just saying that porn stars are just doing their jobs. 900 00:37:11,659 --> 00:37:13,647 You can't blame them for the dummies out there 901 00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:16,657 that don't know the difference between reality and fantasy. 902 00:37:16,659 --> 00:37:19,157 That's like watching Man of Steel 903 00:37:19,159 --> 00:37:23,287 and saying, oh, Superman can fly, so can I! 904 00:37:23,289 --> 00:37:24,567 People have tried. 905 00:37:24,569 --> 00:37:25,507 And they're dummies. 906 00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:26,707 Like I said. 907 00:37:26,709 --> 00:37:28,907 But also porn can be a means to better oneself. 908 00:37:28,909 --> 00:37:31,497 Like, look at that girl who did porn to pay her tuition. 909 00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,887 She used what she had to get what she needed, 910 00:37:33,889 --> 00:37:35,457 and that's awesome. 911 00:37:35,459 --> 00:37:38,247 I know a guy that has sex with grannies to keep himself 912 00:37:38,249 --> 00:37:41,167 financially satiated and he's hailed for it. 913 00:37:41,169 --> 00:37:43,787 Female porn stars deserve praise too. 914 00:37:43,789 --> 00:37:48,147 You have a friend that has sex with old ladies for money? 915 00:37:48,149 --> 00:37:49,827 That is revolting. 916 00:37:49,829 --> 00:37:51,407 You gotta eat. 917 00:37:51,409 --> 00:37:52,527 No pun intended. 918 00:37:52,529 --> 00:37:54,707 That pun was so intended. 919 00:37:54,709 --> 00:37:55,662 How old's this guy? 920 00:37:56,579 --> 00:37:57,597 24. 921 00:37:57,599 --> 00:37:59,377 Of course he is. 922 00:37:59,379 --> 00:38:02,277 Yet another Generation Y distinction. 923 00:38:02,279 --> 00:38:04,847 Only a '90s baby would mitigate his probity 924 00:38:04,849 --> 00:38:06,617 by investing in his dick. 925 00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:09,077 You act like prostitution and being 926 00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:11,757 a sugar baby are new professions. 927 00:38:11,759 --> 00:38:13,727 They've been around for centuries. 928 00:38:13,729 --> 00:38:14,597 I know that. 929 00:38:14,599 --> 00:38:16,837 But back then, people had to sell their bodies 930 00:38:16,839 --> 00:38:19,827 because they had no other way to provide for themselves. 931 00:38:19,829 --> 00:38:22,286 They also weren't proud of what they were doing. 932 00:38:22,288 --> 00:38:25,571 Does this guy enjoy having sex with grannies? 933 00:38:25,573 --> 00:38:26,427 Oh yeah. 934 00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:27,287 Ew. 935 00:38:27,289 --> 00:38:29,687 Sex is for pleasure not profit. 936 00:38:29,689 --> 00:38:31,894 I've always thought any work that was legal 937 00:38:31,896 --> 00:38:34,897 was good work, and porn is legal. 938 00:38:34,899 --> 00:38:36,417 Prostitution isn't legal. 939 00:38:36,419 --> 00:38:37,507 It is in Nevada. 940 00:38:37,509 --> 00:38:39,217 Being a sugar baby isn't legal either. 941 00:38:39,219 --> 00:38:40,706 It actually is. 942 00:38:40,708 --> 00:38:42,147 The guy I told you about, 943 00:38:42,149 --> 00:38:43,827 he actually explained how it works. 944 00:38:43,829 --> 00:38:45,977 He hangs out with the grannies, but there's never 945 00:38:45,979 --> 00:38:48,567 an explicit deal to exchange money for sex. 946 00:38:48,569 --> 00:38:52,237 This guy, he's pretty vulgar. 947 00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:55,487 He talks about sex a lot, but it's more than that. 948 00:38:55,489 --> 00:38:57,057 His sugar mamas take care of him, 949 00:38:57,059 --> 00:38:59,707 and in he provides them with companionship. 950 00:38:59,709 --> 00:39:01,257 Sex is just a bonus. 951 00:39:01,259 --> 00:39:03,217 It doesn't matter which way you frame it, 952 00:39:03,219 --> 00:39:07,612 prostitution, sugar babying, porn, none of that's reputable. 953 00:39:08,459 --> 00:39:09,617 What is reputable? 954 00:39:09,619 --> 00:39:12,937 A job that requires you to keep your clothes on. 955 00:39:12,939 --> 00:39:14,087 You're in finance, right? 956 00:39:14,089 --> 00:39:15,042 Yeah. 957 00:39:16,029 --> 00:39:17,147 That's a real job. 958 00:39:17,149 --> 00:39:19,617 But it's not a job that I enjoy. 959 00:39:19,619 --> 00:39:21,020 Then why do you do it? 960 00:39:21,022 --> 00:39:22,767 Because it pays well. 961 00:39:22,769 --> 00:39:25,037 Look, for a person like my grandpa, 962 00:39:25,039 --> 00:39:26,877 he worked to take care of his family. 963 00:39:26,879 --> 00:39:28,677 I don't even know if he liked working for Ford, 964 00:39:28,679 --> 00:39:29,937 but he did it. 965 00:39:29,939 --> 00:39:31,587 That's the old school mentality. 966 00:39:31,589 --> 00:39:34,647 Work to provide, not work to enjoy. 967 00:39:34,649 --> 00:39:36,617 That's something our generation does get right, though. 968 00:39:36,619 --> 00:39:39,142 We don't do shit unless it makes us happy. 969 00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:41,869 I missed the memo apparently. 970 00:39:42,739 --> 00:39:45,562 So how did you get into finance if you don't like it? 971 00:39:48,129 --> 00:39:48,960 You're probably going to think 972 00:39:48,962 --> 00:39:50,117 I'm flinging more shit in your face, 973 00:39:50,119 --> 00:39:53,337 but senior year of high school I saw everyone 974 00:39:53,339 --> 00:39:55,582 around me latch on to a field of study. 975 00:39:57,019 --> 00:39:58,797 I saw everyone find something 976 00:39:58,799 --> 00:40:00,722 that they really connected with. 977 00:40:01,699 --> 00:40:02,877 I didn't know what I wanted to do, 978 00:40:02,879 --> 00:40:05,107 and I didn't want anyone to know 979 00:40:05,109 --> 00:40:06,427 that I didn't know what I wanted to do. 980 00:40:06,429 --> 00:40:10,027 So, literally, I looked up the top 10 981 00:40:10,029 --> 00:40:12,987 most popular professions, I wrote them all down 982 00:40:12,989 --> 00:40:16,382 on separate pieces of paper, I put them in a hat, 983 00:40:17,319 --> 00:40:21,487 and I picked one and it said accounting. 984 00:40:21,489 --> 00:40:24,647 So you spent four years studying 985 00:40:24,649 --> 00:40:26,387 something you have no interest in? 986 00:40:26,389 --> 00:40:27,447 Yeah. 987 00:40:27,449 --> 00:40:29,357 I thought by the time I turned 18 988 00:40:29,359 --> 00:40:30,190 I should've found my calling, 989 00:40:30,192 --> 00:40:32,427 and when I hadn't, I was worried. 990 00:40:32,429 --> 00:40:34,397 Even now, I don't really know where I'd be 991 00:40:34,399 --> 00:40:36,549 if I hadn't done that college major raffle. 992 00:40:38,609 --> 00:40:41,147 I live my days as a chameleon. 993 00:40:41,149 --> 00:40:44,927 I go to work because that's what people my age do. 994 00:40:44,929 --> 00:40:48,722 I drink coffee because that's what people my age do. 995 00:40:49,849 --> 00:40:51,137 The only time I don't feel out of place 996 00:40:51,139 --> 00:40:53,632 is when I'm just on my futon watching TV. 997 00:40:55,049 --> 00:40:56,827 That's why I salute porn stars and the people 998 00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:58,367 that you may call degenerates, 999 00:40:58,369 --> 00:41:02,207 because at least they're doing what they enjoy. 1000 00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:06,447 And speaking of doing things you enjoy, you're a dramaturg. 1001 00:41:06,449 --> 00:41:09,157 I'd never even heard of that before you. 1002 00:41:09,159 --> 00:41:11,707 But it's something that you're keen on. 1003 00:41:11,709 --> 00:41:14,577 You contextualize the world of a play. 1004 00:41:14,579 --> 00:41:16,457 You're the bridge that connects 1005 00:41:16,459 --> 00:41:20,740 the text, the actors, and the audience. 1006 00:41:20,742 --> 00:41:22,367 Do you know what any of that means or are 1007 00:41:22,369 --> 00:41:24,803 you just snowballing the shit that I told you before? 1008 00:41:24,805 --> 00:41:28,192 Ah, a little bit of both, but I'm mostly snowballing. 1009 00:41:29,319 --> 00:41:32,442 We're theatrical gurus, basically. 1010 00:41:33,279 --> 00:41:36,277 We're critical thinkers to the highest degree. 1011 00:41:36,279 --> 00:41:39,247 We take the literary info, cultural info, 1012 00:41:39,249 --> 00:41:42,657 artistic info, and symbolic info, 1013 00:41:42,659 --> 00:41:45,427 though that's pretty much in line with artistic info, 1014 00:41:45,429 --> 00:41:48,097 and we provide all of that to our team, 1015 00:41:48,099 --> 00:41:49,887 before and during the show. 1016 00:41:49,889 --> 00:41:51,728 And then sometimes after depending on 1017 00:41:51,730 --> 00:41:54,427 how much of a mindfuck the play was. 1018 00:41:54,429 --> 00:41:56,267 And you're working on an ecological piece now, right? 1019 00:41:56,269 --> 00:41:57,647 The Shakespeare one? 1020 00:41:57,649 --> 00:41:59,917 Yeah, we're doing an interactive adaptation 1021 00:41:59,919 --> 00:42:01,977 of A Midsummer Night's Dream. 1022 00:42:01,979 --> 00:42:04,597 There's no actual set, it takes place place all outside. 1023 00:42:04,599 --> 00:42:06,837 We're really playing with nature's role 1024 00:42:06,839 --> 00:42:09,477 in this world that Shakespeare created. 1025 00:42:09,479 --> 00:42:12,127 Whether he knew it or not, he really gave 1026 00:42:12,129 --> 00:42:14,887 a voice to nature in the form of the fairies. 1027 00:42:14,889 --> 00:42:16,271 The forest is their home. 1028 00:42:16,273 --> 00:42:18,067 The forest is what they know. 1029 00:42:18,069 --> 00:42:20,837 The fairies, the creatures that embody nature, 1030 00:42:20,839 --> 00:42:23,517 they're the strongest characters in the entire play. 1031 00:42:23,519 --> 00:42:27,347 And the fact that they're proficient in enchantment 1032 00:42:27,349 --> 00:42:30,547 conveys just how dominant nature is. 1033 00:42:30,549 --> 00:42:33,297 So we're really trying bringing all that out. 1034 00:42:33,299 --> 00:42:34,521 I'd really like to see that. 1035 00:42:34,523 --> 00:42:35,773 I can get you a ticket. 1036 00:42:37,549 --> 00:42:40,097 But here's my thing about ecological theater. 1037 00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:42,857 I saw this play once, I don't remember what it was called, 1038 00:42:42,859 --> 00:42:44,687 but it was about these two polar bears 1039 00:42:44,689 --> 00:42:47,537 that were struggling to survive in the changing climate. 1040 00:42:47,539 --> 00:42:49,767 One thing that I could not get over was 1041 00:42:49,769 --> 00:42:52,037 why these polar bears spoke like people, 1042 00:42:52,039 --> 00:42:53,007 and not just any people, 1043 00:42:53,009 --> 00:42:55,537 they spoke like characters in a Mamet play. 1044 00:42:55,539 --> 00:42:57,427 Like F-words and all. 1045 00:42:57,429 --> 00:42:59,225 I think I know what play you're talking about. 1046 00:42:59,227 --> 00:43:00,567 Ben and Bart. 1047 00:43:00,569 --> 00:43:02,567 Sure, but if you really wanna make 1048 00:43:02,569 --> 00:43:04,077 an ecological theater piece, 1049 00:43:04,079 --> 00:43:06,057 wouldn't it be best to show animals 1050 00:43:06,059 --> 00:43:08,267 and nature as they really are? 1051 00:43:08,269 --> 00:43:10,687 I mean, I understand what you and your team are doing. 1052 00:43:10,689 --> 00:43:12,227 But that's different because you're working 1053 00:43:12,229 --> 00:43:13,867 with material that already exists. 1054 00:43:13,869 --> 00:43:18,897 But this Ben and Bart stuff, polar bears don't talk. 1055 00:43:18,899 --> 00:43:21,157 This little buddy comedy approach, 1056 00:43:21,159 --> 00:43:23,687 it diminished how serious climate change is, 1057 00:43:23,689 --> 00:43:27,567 and it humanized a very non-human narrative. 1058 00:43:27,569 --> 00:43:29,457 It would've been much more compelling 1059 00:43:29,459 --> 00:43:32,797 to let actors that actually looked like bears move around 1060 00:43:32,799 --> 00:43:36,177 the space and react to what's going on without talking. 1061 00:43:36,179 --> 00:43:37,010 I'd be all for that. 1062 00:43:37,012 --> 00:43:40,417 But most audiences won't pay to see something like that. 1063 00:43:40,419 --> 00:43:43,907 That's why you see talking trees or talking polar bears. 1064 00:43:43,909 --> 00:43:46,123 We try to wrap an ecological message 1065 00:43:46,125 --> 00:43:48,737 into the play without the audience knowing. 1066 00:43:48,739 --> 00:43:51,197 Then don't advertise them as ecological plays. 1067 00:43:51,199 --> 00:43:52,772 Just call them plays. 1068 00:43:54,019 --> 00:43:54,969 You got any food? 1069 00:43:56,262 --> 00:43:58,107 I think some chips would make you happy. 1070 00:43:58,109 --> 00:43:59,259 I think you're right. 1071 00:44:00,709 --> 00:44:02,467 Okay, here's one. 1072 00:44:02,469 --> 00:44:03,952 Kill, fuck, marry. 1073 00:44:05,259 --> 00:44:09,349 Meg, Princess Jasmine, and Princess Tiana. 1074 00:44:09,351 --> 00:44:11,257 That is quite the roster. 1075 00:44:11,259 --> 00:44:13,787 I would fuck Princess Jasmine, 1076 00:44:13,789 --> 00:44:16,497 because you know Aladdin's not giving it to her right. 1077 00:44:16,499 --> 00:44:18,117 I would marry Princess Tiana, 1078 00:44:18,119 --> 00:44:21,397 because I really think she'd make me feel invincible. 1079 00:44:21,399 --> 00:44:22,230 Sorry Meg. 1080 00:44:22,232 --> 00:44:24,197 Of course you'd kill the most 1081 00:44:24,199 --> 00:44:26,967 underrated Disney princess in the world. 1082 00:44:26,969 --> 00:44:28,767 What other Princess gives you cynicism, 1083 00:44:28,769 --> 00:44:29,957 beauty, and backbone. 1084 00:44:29,959 --> 00:44:31,587 I still gotta kill her. 1085 00:44:31,589 --> 00:44:33,090 You're such an ass-dragon. 1086 00:44:33,092 --> 00:44:34,957 Okay, this is getting serious. 1087 00:44:34,959 --> 00:44:39,959 Hmm, Prince Charming, Li Shang, and the Beast in human form. 1088 00:44:41,219 --> 00:44:42,707 Um, geez. 1089 00:44:42,709 --> 00:44:44,507 Okay, kill Prince Charming. 1090 00:44:44,509 --> 00:44:46,387 He's too much of a square for me. 1091 00:44:46,389 --> 00:44:49,377 Marry Li Shang, because I think he'd make a man out of me. 1092 00:44:49,379 --> 00:44:53,387 And fuck the Beast, cause he's a beast. 1093 00:44:53,389 --> 00:44:55,997 Ah, that's a noble selection. 1094 00:44:55,999 --> 00:44:56,830 Oh yes. 1095 00:44:56,832 --> 00:45:00,737 Ursula, Cruella De Vil, and Lady Tremaine. 1096 00:45:00,739 --> 00:45:02,777 Ooh, I'd kill Cruella immediately. 1097 00:45:02,779 --> 00:45:04,117 She's too skinny for me. 1098 00:45:04,119 --> 00:45:06,687 I would marry Lady Tremaine. 1099 00:45:06,689 --> 00:45:08,347 And I would fuck Ursula. 1100 00:45:08,349 --> 00:45:10,465 I'm swimming all up in that octopussy, 1101 00:45:10,467 --> 00:45:11,298 just (IMITATING SWIMMING). 1102 00:45:11,300 --> 00:45:12,952 Oh my God, you really just said that. 1103 00:45:13,882 --> 00:45:14,713 Ew. 1104 00:45:14,715 --> 00:45:17,277 Okay, I get very involved when I play these games, okay? 1105 00:45:17,279 --> 00:45:18,337 Alright. 1106 00:45:18,339 --> 00:45:21,962 Jafar, Hades, and Gaston. 1107 00:45:23,149 --> 00:45:26,837 Now you'd think I'd fuck the muscle-bound Gaston, right? 1108 00:45:26,839 --> 00:45:27,670 Hell no. 1109 00:45:27,672 --> 00:45:30,757 He'd rather fuck himself, so I'm gonna kill him. 1110 00:45:30,759 --> 00:45:33,877 Marry Hades, because he's the ruler of the underworld. 1111 00:45:33,879 --> 00:45:36,437 Can someone say sovereignty? 1112 00:45:36,439 --> 00:45:38,577 And I'd fuck Jafar, because underneath 1113 00:45:38,579 --> 00:45:41,549 that rough exterior I think he'd be a generous lover. 1114 00:45:41,551 --> 00:45:44,087 Now that deserves a slow clap. 1115 00:45:44,089 --> 00:45:46,510 Wait, I have to do it with you. 1116 00:45:46,512 --> 00:45:49,262 (HANDS CLAPPING) 1117 00:45:55,129 --> 00:45:56,137 You sure you wanna do this? 1118 00:45:56,139 --> 00:45:58,697 Did you not hear me when I said I'm The Riddler? 1119 00:45:58,699 --> 00:46:00,067 Okay, last chance to tap out. 1120 00:46:00,069 --> 00:46:02,535 I don't need to tap out, I'm The Riddler. 1121 00:46:02,537 --> 00:46:03,368 Are you really? 1122 00:46:03,370 --> 00:46:04,287 Yes. 1123 00:46:04,289 --> 00:46:06,707 As an only child, you have a lot of down time. 1124 00:46:06,709 --> 00:46:09,057 I read riddle books all day. 1125 00:46:09,059 --> 00:46:11,037 That's not something I'd brag about. 1126 00:46:11,039 --> 00:46:11,870 Whatever. 1127 00:46:11,872 --> 00:46:14,417 I'm ready like Spongebob, alright? 1128 00:46:14,419 --> 00:46:16,417 Okay, you know what happens if you get one wrong. 1129 00:46:16,419 --> 00:46:17,420 I do know, but that's not something 1130 00:46:17,422 --> 00:46:21,887 that I need to worry about, because I'm gonna ace this shit. 1131 00:46:21,889 --> 00:46:24,157 Okay, coming at you. 1132 00:46:24,159 --> 00:46:25,777 Five of the hardest riddles. 1133 00:46:25,779 --> 00:46:27,331 Five of the easiest riddles. 1134 00:46:27,333 --> 00:46:28,164 Mhm. 1135 00:46:28,166 --> 00:46:30,587 Number one, it's more powerful than God. 1136 00:46:30,589 --> 00:46:32,157 It's more evil than the devil. 1137 00:46:32,159 --> 00:46:33,097 The poor have it. 1138 00:46:33,099 --> 00:46:34,017 The rich need it. 1139 00:46:34,019 --> 00:46:35,007 If you eat it, you'll die. 1140 00:46:35,009 --> 01:33:11,740 What is it? 1141 00:46:35,842 --> 00:46:36,827 Nothing. 1142 00:46:36,829 --> 00:46:38,507 I have two arms, but fingers none. 1143 00:46:38,509 --> 00:46:40,197 I have two feet, but cannot run. 1144 00:46:40,199 --> 00:46:42,297 I carry well, but I've found I carry best 1145 00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:43,407 with my feet off the ground. 1146 00:46:43,409 --> 00:46:44,240 What am I? 1147 00:46:44,242 --> 00:46:46,167 Yawn, wheel barrel. 1148 00:46:46,169 --> 00:46:48,937 The more you take, the more you leave behind, what am I? 1149 00:46:48,939 --> 00:46:49,770 Fingerprints. 1150 00:46:49,772 --> 00:46:51,447 You can't handle me. 1151 00:46:51,449 --> 00:46:53,467 What disappears as soon as you say its name? 1152 00:46:53,469 --> 00:46:54,677 Silence. 1153 00:46:54,679 --> 00:46:55,752 Last one, come on. 1154 00:46:56,589 --> 00:46:59,047 What type of dress can not be worn? 1155 00:46:59,049 --> 00:47:00,857 That was your last one, really? 1156 00:47:00,859 --> 00:47:01,997 You could've done better. 1157 00:47:01,999 --> 00:47:03,727 Much, much better. 1158 00:47:03,729 --> 00:47:06,102 An address. 1159 00:47:08,859 --> 00:47:11,267 Hey, now I have a bonus one for you. 1160 00:47:11,269 --> 00:47:12,487 That wasn't part of the deal. 1161 00:47:12,489 --> 00:47:14,097 I thought you were The Riddler. 1162 00:47:14,099 --> 01:34:29,967 Fine. 1163 00:47:14,979 --> 00:47:16,247 Riddle my boots. 1164 00:47:16,249 --> 00:47:17,080 Okay. 1165 00:47:17,082 --> 00:47:18,907 I went to a football game, right? 1166 00:47:18,909 --> 00:47:22,077 The quarterback threw a pass to the wide receiver. 1167 00:47:22,079 --> 00:47:24,217 The wide receiver caught it in the end zone, 1168 00:47:24,219 --> 00:47:26,037 but no guys scored a touchdown. 1169 00:47:26,039 --> 00:47:27,106 How can that be? 1170 00:47:27,108 --> 00:47:27,939 What? 1171 00:47:27,941 --> 00:47:29,497 This has to be a trick question. 1172 00:47:29,499 --> 00:47:31,549 Was there a penalty or something? 1173 00:47:31,551 --> 00:47:33,407 No, it was very a clean touchdown. 1174 00:47:33,409 --> 00:47:35,047 There just weren't any guys on the field. 1175 00:47:35,049 --> 00:47:35,880 That can't be. 1176 00:47:35,882 --> 00:47:37,167 You can't score a touchdown 1177 00:47:37,169 --> 00:47:38,857 without any guys on the field. 1178 00:47:38,859 --> 00:47:39,767 I'm telling you. 1179 00:47:39,769 --> 00:47:41,397 No guys were playing. 1180 00:47:41,399 --> 00:47:43,184 Was it an imaginary game or something? 1181 00:47:43,186 --> 00:47:45,282 No, it was very real game. 1182 00:47:46,569 --> 00:47:48,219 You've gotta be pulling my leg. 1183 00:47:49,319 --> 00:47:51,792 You can't score a touchdown without any guys. 1184 00:47:52,649 --> 00:47:53,597 What are you talking about? 1185 00:47:53,599 --> 00:47:55,552 It was an all girl's football game. 1186 00:47:56,398 --> 00:47:58,532 Goddamn, Gertrude. 1187 00:48:00,489 --> 00:48:03,302 Gonna do some relish. 1188 00:48:03,304 --> 00:48:04,137 Mmm. 1189 00:48:05,368 --> 00:48:07,912 I think we'll top it off with some chocolate sauce. 1190 00:48:09,589 --> 00:48:10,482 Oh yeah. 1191 00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:13,652 Stir that bad boy up. 1192 00:48:15,999 --> 00:48:19,302 One Disaster On the Rocks for the overconfident young bloke. 1193 00:48:20,849 --> 00:48:21,680 Can I tap out now? 1194 00:48:21,682 --> 00:48:23,217 I thought you didn't need to tap out. 1195 00:48:23,219 --> 00:48:24,669 You're The Riddler, remember? 1196 00:48:26,029 --> 00:48:26,862 Drink up. 1197 00:48:27,729 --> 00:48:30,363 And if you're gonna barf, do it that way. 1198 00:48:30,365 --> 00:48:32,948 (UPBEAT MUSIC) 1199 00:48:42,817 --> 00:48:45,817 (RECORD SCRATCHING) 1200 00:48:46,759 --> 00:48:49,009 (RETCHING) 1201 00:49:03,021 --> 00:49:05,647 We won't be doing that anymore, now will we? 1202 00:49:05,649 --> 00:49:07,002 You fucking dummy. 1203 00:49:09,351 --> 00:49:11,368 (TOILET FLUSHING) 1204 00:49:11,370 --> 00:49:14,037 (PHONE BEEPING) 1205 00:49:33,489 --> 00:49:35,044 You okay? 1206 00:49:35,046 --> 00:49:36,147 I am now. 1207 00:49:36,149 --> 00:49:38,057 Nice barf fest? 1208 00:49:38,059 --> 00:49:39,237 Oh yeah. 1209 00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:41,107 Yeah, I know all about that. 1210 00:49:41,109 --> 00:49:44,557 At my old apartment I accidentally ate a roach. 1211 00:49:44,559 --> 00:49:46,697 How do you accidentally eat a roach? 1212 00:49:46,699 --> 00:49:48,717 I was making some food in the kitchen. 1213 00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:50,717 I turned my back for like two seconds, 1214 00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:53,527 and the little dirtbag made a break for my sandwich. 1215 00:49:53,529 --> 00:49:55,347 Of course, I didn't notice so I put the other 1216 00:49:55,349 --> 00:49:57,517 piece of bread on top of the roach, 1217 00:49:57,519 --> 00:49:59,857 and didn't realize I was sharing my sandwich 1218 00:49:59,859 --> 00:50:01,037 until it was too late. 1219 00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,567 I would've needed a tongue transplant after that. 1220 00:50:03,569 --> 00:50:04,400 Oh yeah. 1221 00:50:04,402 --> 00:50:06,927 I was in the bathroom for the rest of the night. 1222 00:50:06,929 --> 00:50:08,547 Was it at least a small roach? 1223 00:50:08,549 --> 00:50:09,380 Oh no. 1224 00:50:09,382 --> 00:50:10,837 Small roaches were not welcome 1225 00:50:10,839 --> 00:50:13,007 in my old apartment, only the big ones. 1226 00:50:13,009 --> 00:50:14,087 These were the kind of roaches 1227 00:50:14,089 --> 00:50:16,157 that could go to the bank and take out a loan. 1228 00:50:16,159 --> 00:50:17,409 That's how big they were. 1229 00:50:18,529 --> 00:50:20,977 As much as I loathe roaches, 1230 00:50:20,979 --> 00:50:23,547 I'd rather eat one than drink that nasty shit again. 1231 00:50:23,549 --> 00:50:26,097 I didn't think you were actually going to drink it. 1232 00:50:26,099 --> 00:50:27,017 I thought you would've been like, 1233 00:50:27,019 --> 00:50:29,197 I'm not drinking that shit, are you nucking futs? 1234 00:50:29,199 --> 00:50:31,377 And I would've been like, 1235 00:50:31,379 --> 00:50:33,117 okay, I wouldn't have drank it either. 1236 00:50:33,119 --> 00:50:35,107 But you went above and beyond. 1237 00:50:35,109 --> 00:50:37,037 You could've stopped me. 1238 00:50:37,039 --> 00:50:40,169 I could've, but there's no entertainment value in that. 1239 00:50:52,789 --> 00:50:53,620 What's this? 1240 00:50:53,622 --> 00:50:54,777 It's a poke war. 1241 00:50:54,779 --> 00:50:56,637 I'm at my wit's end. 1242 00:50:56,639 --> 00:50:58,552 Make my day, twat-scratch. 1243 00:50:59,986 --> 00:51:01,179 Twat-scratch. 1244 00:51:01,181 --> 00:51:02,012 (MUMBLING) 1245 00:51:02,014 --> 00:51:02,845 Yeah, you are. 1246 00:51:02,847 --> 00:51:07,514 (MUMBLING OVER EACH OTHER AND LAUGHING) 1247 00:51:10,033 --> 00:51:11,033 I got you! 1248 00:51:20,659 --> 00:51:25,659 Do you, um, do you want some more chips? 1249 00:51:26,989 --> 00:51:29,242 Um, yeah, chip me. 1250 00:51:46,479 --> 00:51:48,947 Now as much as I'd like to relive my childhood 1251 00:51:48,949 --> 00:51:51,487 there are some perks to being an adult. 1252 00:51:51,489 --> 00:51:54,757 Like soiling the things that made being a kid so great. 1253 00:51:54,759 --> 00:51:57,371 I'm a huge children's show conspiracist. 1254 00:51:57,373 --> 00:51:58,204 Me too. 1255 00:51:58,206 --> 00:51:59,637 Lemme hear one of your theories. 1256 00:51:59,639 --> 00:52:00,747 Lemme hear one of yours. 1257 00:52:00,749 --> 00:52:01,617 I asked you first. 1258 00:52:01,619 --> 00:52:03,287 I asked you second. 1259 00:52:03,289 --> 00:52:06,517 Okay, I have one for Out of the Box. 1260 00:52:06,519 --> 00:52:07,617 You remember that show? 1261 00:52:07,619 --> 00:52:08,837 Of course. 1262 00:52:08,839 --> 00:52:10,567 Okay, well get ready to hate me, 1263 00:52:10,569 --> 00:52:14,914 be cause your beloved Out of the Box glorified pedophilia. 1264 00:52:14,916 --> 00:52:16,049 What? 1265 00:52:16,051 --> 00:52:17,357 Look at the premise. 1266 00:52:17,359 --> 00:52:18,926 A bunch of kids go and play in a box 1267 00:52:18,928 --> 00:52:21,927 with a grown-ass man and a grown-ass woman. 1268 00:52:21,929 --> 00:52:24,017 Tony and Vivian were saints. 1269 00:52:24,019 --> 00:52:25,407 Were they? 1270 00:52:25,409 --> 00:52:28,267 Did you ever ask yourself, what do they really want? 1271 00:52:28,269 --> 00:52:30,937 And, more importantly, did these kids' parents 1272 00:52:30,939 --> 00:52:33,597 give Tony and Vivian permission to play 1273 00:52:33,599 --> 00:52:38,357 with their kids for hours on end in a box unsupervised? 1274 00:52:38,359 --> 00:52:39,190 I think not. 1275 00:52:39,192 --> 00:52:41,877 Mm, I would've never gotten pedophilia 1276 00:52:41,879 --> 00:52:42,737 from Out of the Box. 1277 00:52:42,739 --> 00:52:44,557 Of course not. 1278 00:52:44,559 --> 00:52:46,747 But who were Tony and Vivian? 1279 00:52:46,749 --> 00:52:48,307 What did they do for a living? 1280 00:52:48,309 --> 00:52:50,957 And why did they have so much free time 1281 00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:54,167 to play with these kids alone in a fuckin' box? 1282 00:52:54,169 --> 00:52:56,327 The whole come play with us ploy was 1283 00:52:56,329 --> 00:52:58,997 just a way to lure these innocent children away 1284 00:52:58,999 --> 00:53:02,307 so Tony and Vivian, these so-called saints, 1285 00:53:02,309 --> 00:53:03,687 could have their way with them. 1286 00:53:03,689 --> 00:53:05,763 That sounds like a defamation lawsuit in the works. 1287 00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:06,596 What? 1288 00:53:06,598 --> 00:53:08,027 These are just theories. 1289 00:53:08,029 --> 00:53:10,467 Fictitious notions to help people like me, 1290 00:53:10,469 --> 00:53:13,057 who wish they could live in the '90s forever, 1291 00:53:13,059 --> 00:53:15,767 cope with the lost early years. 1292 00:53:15,769 --> 00:53:18,287 If I ruin the images of my favorite childhood shows, 1293 00:53:18,289 --> 00:53:20,711 it cuts back on the sense of longing. 1294 00:53:20,713 --> 00:53:22,277 I'm just having a little fun with you. 1295 00:53:22,279 --> 00:53:23,787 I'm in the same boat. 1296 00:53:23,789 --> 00:53:24,620 I know. 1297 00:53:24,622 --> 00:53:26,977 So tell me one of your theories. 1298 00:53:26,979 --> 00:53:29,827 I have a Johnny Bravo theory 1299 00:53:29,829 --> 00:53:31,320 Let's hear it. 1300 00:53:31,322 --> 00:53:32,155 Okay. 1301 00:53:34,139 --> 00:53:37,587 So, I always found myself asking, 1302 00:53:37,589 --> 00:53:39,327 after watching Johnny Bravo, 1303 00:53:39,329 --> 00:53:41,167 why he never gets any girls? 1304 00:53:41,169 --> 00:53:44,047 Yes, he's an asshole, yes, he's arrogant, 1305 00:53:44,049 --> 00:53:45,887 yes, he lacks subtlety, 1306 00:53:45,889 --> 00:53:49,597 but in the real world, how many girls go after jerks? 1307 00:53:49,599 --> 00:53:50,657 A lot! 1308 00:53:50,659 --> 00:53:53,277 So every girl that Johnny has any type 1309 00:53:53,279 --> 00:53:56,087 of interaction with always hates him? 1310 00:53:56,089 --> 00:53:57,397 I don't buy it. 1311 00:53:57,399 --> 00:53:59,847 Well, he did live at home with his mom. 1312 00:53:59,849 --> 00:54:01,597 These girls don't know that. 1313 00:54:01,599 --> 00:54:02,807 How could they know that? 1314 00:54:02,809 --> 00:54:04,947 They're just meeting him for the first time. 1315 00:54:04,949 --> 00:54:07,327 But that's something else. 1316 00:54:07,329 --> 00:54:10,267 Here's my theory on why he's so unlucky with the ladies. 1317 00:54:10,269 --> 00:54:13,247 The Johnny Bravo that we, as audience members see, 1318 00:54:13,249 --> 00:54:15,077 isn't the real Johnny Bravo. 1319 00:54:15,079 --> 00:54:18,787 The real Johnny Bravo is short, bald, 1320 00:54:18,789 --> 00:54:21,277 possibly smelly, round. 1321 00:54:21,279 --> 00:54:23,727 See, in his distorted mind, he created 1322 00:54:23,729 --> 00:54:26,317 an idealized projection of his inner self. 1323 00:54:26,319 --> 00:54:28,117 The person he aspired to be. 1324 00:54:28,119 --> 00:54:32,497 So on the inside he's tall, good-looking, strapping. 1325 00:54:32,499 --> 00:54:35,097 The quintessential manly man. 1326 00:54:35,099 --> 00:54:36,837 In the Johnny Bravo universe, 1327 00:54:36,839 --> 00:54:38,907 the women that Johnny Bravo interact with Johnny Bravo 1328 00:54:38,909 --> 00:54:41,427 aren't seeing the Johnny Bravo that we see. 1329 00:54:41,429 --> 00:54:44,757 They're seeing a loser. 1330 00:54:44,759 --> 00:54:46,467 His true self. 1331 00:54:46,469 --> 00:54:48,887 I'll never look at Johnny Bravo the same way. 1332 00:54:48,889 --> 00:54:51,977 That's all I wanted. 1333 00:54:51,979 --> 00:54:53,647 So, tell me something. 1334 00:54:53,649 --> 00:54:54,977 Is it true that girls hate it 1335 00:54:54,979 --> 00:54:57,243 when guys send hey as the first message? 1336 00:54:57,245 --> 00:55:00,927 I'm indifferent to the whole creative first message thing, 1337 00:55:00,929 --> 00:55:03,737 but I do have some friends that get pretty flustered. 1338 00:55:03,739 --> 00:55:04,717 Hmm. 1339 00:55:04,719 --> 00:55:06,827 Is it also true that a girl's DMs 1340 00:55:06,829 --> 00:55:11,647 are 50% graphically perverted and 50% bland as hell? 1341 00:55:11,649 --> 00:55:15,177 No, it's more like 80% graphically perverted 1342 00:55:15,179 --> 00:55:17,382 and 20% bland as hell. 1343 00:55:18,619 --> 00:55:20,987 So, what's the weirdest thing a guy's said to you? 1344 00:55:20,989 --> 00:55:23,857 Oh, I have a Hall of Fame of weird messages. 1345 00:55:23,859 --> 00:55:25,427 Most of them I don't like to repeat, 1346 00:55:25,429 --> 00:55:27,445 but I did have this one guy ask 1347 00:55:27,447 --> 00:55:29,970 if he could lick the back of my neck. 1348 00:55:29,972 --> 00:55:30,803 What? 1349 00:55:30,805 --> 00:55:31,636 Yep. 1350 00:55:31,638 --> 00:55:32,737 He didn't lead into it, 1351 00:55:32,739 --> 00:55:34,897 didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery. 1352 00:55:34,899 --> 00:55:36,387 He just went for it. 1353 00:55:36,389 --> 00:55:39,047 And usually, I block guys like that immediately, 1354 00:55:39,049 --> 00:55:41,067 but I was kinda curious. 1355 00:55:41,069 --> 00:55:44,337 So I asked, why do you wanna lick the back of my neck? 1356 00:55:44,339 --> 00:55:47,808 And he said he wanted to know what a champion tasted like. 1357 00:55:47,810 --> 00:55:49,560 (LAUGHING) 1358 00:55:49,562 --> 00:55:52,087 Oh, I hate people sometimes. 1359 00:55:52,089 --> 00:55:53,142 Sometimes? 1360 00:55:54,219 --> 00:55:56,777 Oh, and I can't tell you how many dick pics I get. 1361 00:55:56,779 --> 00:55:58,537 I get one like every fuckin' day. 1362 00:55:58,539 --> 00:55:59,887 I got one this morning. 1363 00:55:59,889 --> 00:56:00,817 Shit. 1364 00:56:00,819 --> 00:56:02,017 Have you ever sent a dick pic? 1365 00:56:02,019 --> 00:56:03,257 Nope. 1366 00:56:03,259 --> 00:56:05,447 That's not even a consideration. 1367 00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:08,777 That shit travels online like an oil spill. 1368 00:56:08,779 --> 00:56:10,877 I'm not gonna lose my job because pictures 1369 00:56:10,879 --> 00:56:13,227 of me and Mr. Pink are floating around. 1370 00:56:13,229 --> 00:56:15,568 Why is your penis called Mr. Pink? 1371 00:56:15,570 --> 00:56:20,517 Because he goes in vaginas and vaginas are pink. 1372 00:56:20,519 --> 00:56:21,702 Not all of them. 1373 00:56:22,824 --> 00:56:23,657 Ew. 1374 00:56:24,879 --> 00:56:27,597 So what's the weirdest thing a girl's ever said to you? 1375 00:56:27,599 --> 00:56:29,487 I once had this girl ask me 1376 00:56:29,489 --> 00:56:33,447 if she could borrow $20,000 to bail her dad out of jail. 1377 00:56:33,449 --> 00:56:34,280 Are you serious? 1378 00:56:34,282 --> 00:56:35,350 Very. 1379 00:56:35,352 --> 00:56:36,987 And I told her I couldn't because 1380 00:56:36,989 --> 00:56:41,198 I just spent $20K bailing my own dad out of jail. 1381 00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:42,557 Drats. 1382 00:56:42,559 --> 00:56:44,997 I also had this one girl ask me if I was interested 1383 00:56:44,999 --> 00:56:48,327 in letting her stick a stalk of celery up my ass. 1384 00:56:48,329 --> 00:56:49,303 Goddamn, Gertrude. 1385 00:56:49,305 --> 00:56:50,138 Mhmm. 1386 00:56:51,089 --> 00:56:53,387 My messages are split into four categories. 1387 00:56:53,389 --> 00:56:56,507 The weirdypants, the tireless spambots, 1388 00:56:56,509 --> 00:56:59,837 the racist bozos, and the chill chicas. 1389 00:56:59,839 --> 00:57:01,467 Am I a chill chica? 1390 00:57:01,469 --> 00:57:02,317 You are. 1391 00:57:02,319 --> 00:57:03,582 I fuckin' better be. 1392 00:57:04,979 --> 00:57:07,287 I think it's funny how online dating 1393 00:57:07,289 --> 00:57:09,577 has become a legitimate way to make a connection 1394 00:57:09,579 --> 00:57:12,117 with someone but I still won't admit that I use it. 1395 00:57:12,119 --> 00:57:14,887 You have no idea how true that is. 1396 00:57:14,889 --> 00:57:15,974 I think, like, three of my friends 1397 00:57:15,976 --> 00:57:17,807 know that I use dating apps. 1398 00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:20,367 Cause, I mean, yes it's commonplace, 1399 00:57:20,369 --> 00:57:23,037 but you still get judged so hard for it. 1400 00:57:23,039 --> 00:57:25,347 Like, why are you talking to people online? 1401 00:57:25,349 --> 00:57:26,697 That's so weird. 1402 00:57:26,699 --> 00:57:28,587 You can't find a boyfriend online. 1403 00:57:28,589 --> 00:57:32,167 Like, is it my life or is it yours? 1404 00:57:32,169 --> 00:57:34,827 Please say that again for our listeners at home. 1405 00:57:34,829 --> 00:57:39,829 (THROAT CLEARING) Is it my life or is it yours? 1406 00:57:40,273 --> 00:57:43,109 ♪ Tell it, tell it, like it T-I is ♪ 1407 00:57:43,111 --> 00:57:44,120 (LAUGHING) 1408 00:57:44,122 --> 00:57:45,205 Gimme some. 1409 00:57:46,439 --> 00:57:47,911 Put your hand out. 1410 00:57:47,913 --> 00:57:50,508 Like, there you go, there you go. 1411 00:57:50,510 --> 00:57:51,677 You know this? 1412 00:57:52,886 --> 00:57:53,717 You know this one. 1413 00:57:53,719 --> 00:57:54,870 Yeah. 1414 00:57:54,872 --> 00:57:57,122 (LAUGHING) 1415 00:58:00,204 --> 00:58:02,207 Look at the puppy! 1416 00:58:02,209 --> 00:58:04,697 My friend just sent me this. 1417 00:58:04,699 --> 00:58:06,957 Look at his wittle ears. 1418 00:58:06,959 --> 00:58:09,877 If you don't think this is cute, you have the devil in you. 1419 00:58:09,879 --> 00:58:11,197 No, it is. 1420 00:58:11,199 --> 00:58:12,967 I just don't understand why people go cuckoo 1421 00:58:12,969 --> 00:58:15,037 for Cocoa Puffs every time they see a puppy 1422 00:58:15,039 --> 00:58:17,367 or any other furry pint-sized animals. 1423 00:58:17,369 --> 00:58:19,777 Cause they're the cutest things ever, 1424 00:58:19,779 --> 00:58:22,637 and they represent all that's good in the world. 1425 00:58:22,639 --> 00:58:24,627 But here's what I'm trying to understand. 1426 00:58:24,629 --> 00:58:28,287 People die every day and no one seems to care, 1427 00:58:28,289 --> 00:58:30,667 but let a puppy die or a kitten die, 1428 00:58:30,669 --> 00:58:32,437 and it's mass hysteria. 1429 00:58:32,439 --> 00:58:34,577 Did you not hear what I just said? 1430 00:58:34,579 --> 00:58:37,417 Cute animals represent all that's good in the world. 1431 00:58:37,419 --> 00:58:39,647 Their only responsibility is to be cute, 1432 00:58:39,649 --> 00:58:43,207 and fluffy, and let me hug their wittle faces. 1433 00:58:43,209 --> 00:58:44,837 Is the baby voice necessary? 1434 00:58:44,839 --> 00:58:45,670 Yes. 1435 00:58:45,672 --> 00:58:47,657 (PHONE BEEPING) 1436 00:58:47,659 --> 00:58:49,577 Ms. Popular. 1437 00:58:49,579 --> 00:58:52,257 Okay, you wanna see one of the messages guys send me? 1438 00:58:52,259 --> 00:58:53,092 Here. 1439 00:58:53,949 --> 00:58:56,047 That violates so many health codes. 1440 00:58:56,049 --> 00:58:58,047 Welcome to my DMs. 1441 00:58:58,049 --> 00:59:02,107 Sorry, ZanzyStan46, but your ass is getting blocked. 1442 00:59:02,109 --> 00:59:04,257 These guys are barbarians. 1443 00:59:04,259 --> 00:59:05,937 I appreciate how disgusted you are, 1444 00:59:05,939 --> 00:59:08,447 but I'm sure you've sent your titillating messages. 1445 00:59:08,449 --> 00:59:11,447 Nope, I'm the boring guy, really. 1446 00:59:11,449 --> 00:59:13,650 I usually start off with hey, 1447 00:59:13,652 --> 00:59:16,242 or what's your favorite TV show? 1448 00:59:17,114 --> 00:59:18,367 I mean, look at our convos, 1449 00:59:18,369 --> 00:59:19,707 I haven't said anything too racy. 1450 00:59:19,709 --> 00:59:21,397 That's actually true. 1451 00:59:21,399 --> 00:59:23,757 You have been pretty racy tonight though. 1452 00:59:23,759 --> 00:59:25,667 Cause I'm comfortable. 1453 00:59:25,669 --> 00:59:27,877 I have that effect on people. 1454 00:59:27,879 --> 00:59:30,077 Okay, Colonel Comfortable, 1455 00:59:30,079 --> 00:59:31,677 how many girls have you brought back here? 1456 00:59:31,679 --> 00:59:33,567 Not including me. 1457 00:59:33,569 --> 00:59:35,427 Well that certainly escalated. 1458 00:59:35,429 --> 00:59:37,187 Look, the past is the past. 1459 00:59:37,189 --> 00:59:38,797 I'm not gonna hold anything against you. 1460 00:59:38,799 --> 00:59:40,607 I'm just curious. 1461 00:59:40,609 --> 00:59:45,047 I mean, in total, six girls have been here. 1462 00:59:45,049 --> 00:59:46,782 One of whom was underage. 1463 00:59:47,808 --> 00:59:49,357 Um. 1464 00:59:49,359 --> 00:59:50,957 I didn't do anything with her. 1465 00:59:50,959 --> 00:59:52,847 I thought she was 24. 1466 00:59:52,849 --> 00:59:54,427 The second I realized that she 1467 00:59:54,429 --> 00:59:57,567 was born post The Amanda Show, I made her leave. 1468 00:59:57,569 --> 01:00:01,907 So one of six girls, you didn't do anything with. 1469 01:00:01,909 --> 01:00:03,777 What about the other ones? 1470 01:00:03,779 --> 01:00:06,902 You're not even trying to approach this with any delicacy. 1471 01:00:08,189 --> 01:00:11,017 Why not just ask what you really wanna ask? 1472 01:00:11,019 --> 01:00:12,637 How many girls have I slept with? 1473 01:00:12,639 --> 01:00:13,627 How many? 1474 01:00:13,629 --> 01:00:14,579 In my whole life? 1475 01:00:15,699 --> 01:00:16,627 Four. 1476 01:00:16,629 --> 01:00:17,800 Only four? 1477 01:00:17,802 --> 01:00:18,697 Only four. 1478 01:00:18,699 --> 01:00:20,282 You wanna get specific? 1479 01:00:21,539 --> 01:00:23,667 I was a virgin all through high school. 1480 01:00:23,669 --> 01:00:26,367 I lost my virginity when I was 20, 1481 01:00:26,369 --> 01:00:29,037 and only had one other partner in college. 1482 01:00:29,039 --> 01:00:31,807 After graduating, I started using the dating apps 1483 01:00:31,809 --> 01:00:34,237 and only managed to hook up with two girls. 1484 01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:35,637 No game? 1485 01:00:35,639 --> 01:00:38,127 Actually, and I'm not saying this to brag, 1486 01:00:38,129 --> 01:00:40,067 my body count could've been higher. 1487 01:00:40,069 --> 01:00:41,187 I had opportunities. 1488 01:00:41,189 --> 01:00:42,820 So, why didn't you get it in? 1489 01:00:42,822 --> 01:00:45,472 I don't know any guys to shy away from sex. 1490 01:00:46,479 --> 01:00:48,397 Why are you shaking your head? 1491 01:00:48,399 --> 01:00:50,647 Cause I'm gonna sound like such a wimp after saying this. 1492 01:00:50,649 --> 01:00:52,682 Let me decide that, alright? 1493 01:00:54,329 --> 01:00:57,967 I haven't had many partners because I guess 1494 01:00:57,969 --> 01:01:00,497 I like the idea of being a mack more 1495 01:01:00,499 --> 01:01:02,522 than actually being a mack. 1496 01:01:03,429 --> 01:01:06,037 Now, of course, in the presence of my boys, 1497 01:01:06,039 --> 01:01:07,787 I've had women all around town, 1498 01:01:07,789 --> 01:01:10,927 but I wanna return the honesty that you shared 1499 01:01:10,929 --> 01:01:13,617 with me with a little honesty of my own. 1500 01:01:13,619 --> 01:01:17,947 I say a lot of things, but I'm not having sex like that. 1501 01:01:17,949 --> 01:01:20,817 I mean, I can be very sexually explicit 1502 01:01:20,819 --> 01:01:22,307 with the things I say, 1503 01:01:22,309 --> 01:01:24,959 but actually going out there and knocking 'em dead... 1504 01:01:27,629 --> 01:01:28,987 The only person aside from you 1505 01:01:28,989 --> 01:01:31,677 that knows this is my friend Hut, 1506 01:01:31,679 --> 01:01:34,167 and even he gets the edited version. 1507 01:01:34,169 --> 01:01:37,257 He thinks I've just hit a dry spell. 1508 01:01:37,259 --> 01:01:39,477 He doesn't know my low number 1509 01:01:39,479 --> 01:01:42,892 of sexual partners is purposeful. 1510 01:01:45,309 --> 01:01:48,437 Alright, I give you full permission to rag on me. 1511 01:01:48,439 --> 01:01:49,547 I just don't want you thinking 1512 01:01:49,549 --> 01:01:52,587 that I'm the average fuckboy, cause I'm really not. 1513 01:01:52,589 --> 01:01:53,858 So... 1514 01:01:53,860 --> 01:01:58,717 So, does this mean your dick isn't really named Mr. Pink? 1515 01:01:58,719 --> 01:02:00,082 His real name is Sheldon, 1516 01:02:01,079 --> 01:02:03,779 but he has been known to answer to Mr. Pink sometimes. 1517 01:02:05,519 --> 01:02:07,584 How do I know you're telling me the truth? 1518 01:02:07,586 --> 01:02:10,067 What if this is just a line you feed all the other girls? 1519 01:02:10,069 --> 01:02:11,937 I wouldn't do that. 1520 01:02:11,939 --> 01:02:13,370 Even if I was trying to run game on you, 1521 01:02:13,372 --> 01:02:15,937 I wouldn't do it by downplaying the number 1522 01:02:15,939 --> 01:02:17,397 of girls I've slept with. 1523 01:02:17,399 --> 01:02:18,230 Why not? 1524 01:02:18,232 --> 01:02:19,677 Sensitive guys are in. 1525 01:02:19,679 --> 01:02:21,827 Nothing that I'm saying is a line. 1526 01:02:21,829 --> 01:02:23,459 This is the real Picasso. 1527 01:02:24,399 --> 01:02:26,957 Isn't there woman's intuition? 1528 01:02:26,959 --> 01:02:31,897 You have a knack for sensing the shit of the bull. 1529 01:02:31,899 --> 01:02:34,649 Is there anything telling you that I'm being dishonest? 1530 01:02:36,719 --> 01:02:37,782 I'm all talk. 1531 01:02:38,819 --> 01:02:41,517 Truthfully, the idea of hooking up 1532 01:02:41,519 --> 01:02:45,877 with hundreds of girls kinda gives me anxiety, 1533 01:02:45,879 --> 01:02:47,887 but I wear the pimp hat because... 1534 01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:49,952 Because, you're a chameleon. 1535 01:02:52,879 --> 01:02:55,887 I've only been with five guys, for the record. 1536 01:02:55,889 --> 01:02:58,617 I haven't had sex in over three years. 1537 01:02:58,619 --> 01:03:01,797 I've been on some dates, but nothing got physical. 1538 01:03:01,799 --> 01:03:03,922 Not since Mr. Not So Perfect. 1539 01:03:05,342 --> 01:03:06,877 Do you go to these guys' houses? 1540 01:03:06,879 --> 01:03:10,717 At first, I vowed to keep meetings in public areas. 1541 01:03:10,719 --> 01:03:13,817 You know, just in case I had to deal with another psycho. 1542 01:03:13,819 --> 01:03:17,037 But then I realized a lot of guys 1543 01:03:17,039 --> 01:03:19,377 wear their Mr. Perfect masks. 1544 01:03:19,379 --> 01:03:20,907 They say what they think they need 1545 01:03:20,909 --> 01:03:23,567 to say to get the second date. 1546 01:03:23,569 --> 01:03:25,527 Anything to get the final prize, which is... 1547 01:03:25,529 --> 01:03:26,952 The boom boom boom. 1548 01:03:28,279 --> 01:03:29,997 When I finally got my zing back 1549 01:03:29,999 --> 01:03:33,287 and stopped thinking every guy was a predator, 1550 01:03:33,289 --> 01:03:36,397 I started accepting invitations to houses. 1551 01:03:36,399 --> 01:03:38,587 Which I know that's a very unsafe thing to do, 1552 01:03:38,589 --> 01:03:42,897 but I think the best way to observe someone 1553 01:03:42,899 --> 01:03:46,677 is in their natural habitat, their home. 1554 01:03:46,679 --> 01:03:47,970 I'm not a complete lamebrain, 1555 01:03:47,972 --> 01:03:51,907 I do have mace and other defensive materials on deck. 1556 01:03:51,909 --> 01:03:53,287 Now I'm the scared one. 1557 01:03:53,289 --> 01:03:54,662 Just what I wanted. 1558 01:03:56,289 --> 01:03:58,287 Okay, I wanna see something. 1559 01:03:58,289 --> 01:04:00,995 I wanna see your best fuckboy. 1560 01:04:00,997 --> 01:04:01,914 What? 1561 01:04:01,916 --> 01:04:05,397 Act like I'm not me, you're not you. 1562 01:04:05,399 --> 01:04:07,047 We're strangers in the night. 1563 01:04:07,049 --> 01:04:08,817 How would you approach me if you were 1564 01:04:08,819 --> 01:04:10,732 actually the playa you pretend to be? 1565 01:04:11,669 --> 01:04:13,337 Isn't it too early for role playing? 1566 01:04:13,339 --> 01:04:14,377 Shut up, come on. 1567 01:04:14,379 --> 01:04:17,877 This is your chance to authenticate your smoothness. 1568 01:04:17,879 --> 01:04:19,597 I want to see you pick me up! 1569 01:04:19,599 --> 01:04:21,487 But I already got you to my apartment. 1570 01:04:21,489 --> 01:04:23,327 We're not in your apartment. 1571 01:04:23,329 --> 01:04:26,597 Pretend we're in a cafe. 1572 01:04:26,599 --> 01:04:30,357 I'm already here drinking my raspberry iced latte. 1573 01:04:30,359 --> 01:04:34,727 You come in for your usual double espresso and crumb cake. 1574 01:04:34,729 --> 01:04:37,567 You see me over yonder, attached to my phone. 1575 01:04:37,569 --> 01:04:40,042 What ever does the big playa-playa do? 1576 01:04:41,489 --> 01:04:42,892 You really wanna do this? 1577 01:04:42,894 --> 01:04:45,242 I wasn't oddly specific for nothing. 1578 01:04:46,859 --> 01:04:47,692 Okay. 1579 01:04:57,649 --> 01:04:58,837 Okay, cut. 1580 01:04:58,839 --> 01:05:01,087 Can you not walk like you're about to backhand me? 1581 01:05:01,089 --> 01:05:03,827 I was just feeling out the character, alright? 1582 01:05:03,829 --> 01:05:04,782 Do it again. 1583 01:05:25,149 --> 01:05:25,980 Hi. 1584 01:05:25,982 --> 01:05:27,397 Hello. 1585 01:05:27,399 --> 01:05:30,417 What's that, a raspberry latte? 1586 01:05:30,419 --> 01:05:31,382 Yes, it is. 1587 01:05:32,309 --> 01:05:35,127 Sweet drink for a sweet lady. 1588 01:05:35,129 --> 01:05:36,846 Okay, you're not good at this. 1589 01:05:36,848 --> 01:05:38,690 No, no, no, no, lemme do it again. 1590 01:05:38,692 --> 01:05:41,025 A sweet drink for a sweet lady? 1591 01:05:41,027 --> 01:05:42,077 That works on some girls. 1592 01:05:42,079 --> 01:05:44,077 It doesn't work on this girl. 1593 01:05:44,079 --> 01:05:45,327 Start over? 1594 01:05:45,329 --> 01:05:46,267 Start over. 1595 01:05:46,269 --> 01:05:47,357 But you're really not doing well. 1596 01:05:47,359 --> 01:05:49,322 Oh, everybody's a critic. 1597 01:06:08,859 --> 01:06:09,797 Hey. 1598 01:06:09,799 --> 01:06:10,632 Hi. 1599 01:06:12,736 --> 01:06:13,797 I see you're enjoying your drink, 1600 01:06:13,799 --> 01:06:15,697 and I don't wanna take up too much of your time, 1601 01:06:15,699 --> 01:06:19,207 but I knew I'd kick myself later if I didn't come over 1602 01:06:19,209 --> 01:06:21,559 and say something, even if nothing comes of it. 1603 01:06:22,419 --> 01:06:23,322 I'm Darryl. 1604 01:06:24,169 --> 01:06:25,837 You don't have to tell me your name, 1605 01:06:25,839 --> 01:06:28,772 I'll just call you beautiful. 1606 01:06:30,849 --> 01:06:33,187 I've seen you in here everyday this week, 1607 01:06:33,189 --> 01:06:35,017 coming in, drinking your latte, 1608 01:06:35,019 --> 01:06:37,597 and I've always wanted to talk to you. 1609 01:06:37,599 --> 01:06:39,897 But I'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door 1610 01:06:39,899 --> 01:06:43,037 all the time, so the original plan was just 1611 01:06:43,039 --> 01:06:45,047 to let you have this time to yourself. 1612 01:06:45,049 --> 01:06:47,952 But seven times. 1613 01:06:49,209 --> 01:06:51,997 I've seen you here seven times. 1614 01:06:51,999 --> 01:06:54,557 Usually, I don't believe in signs, 1615 01:06:54,559 --> 01:06:56,737 but this can't be ignored. 1616 01:06:56,739 --> 01:06:58,342 I had to come talk to you. 1617 01:06:59,199 --> 01:07:02,812 Now, I'm not asking for your number, 1618 01:07:03,939 --> 01:07:05,107 and I'm not asking you out on a date. 1619 01:07:05,109 --> 01:07:06,982 I just wanted to introduce myself. 1620 01:07:08,949 --> 01:07:10,377 So I'm gonna go over there and grab 1621 01:07:10,379 --> 01:07:12,972 my double espresso and crumb cake, 1622 01:07:13,859 --> 01:07:17,017 then go sit over there, and if you wanted 1623 01:07:17,019 --> 01:07:21,852 to join me I would not mind that. 1624 01:07:24,929 --> 01:07:28,072 Nice to meet you, beautiful. 1625 01:07:49,999 --> 01:07:51,497 Not too shabby, Darryl. 1626 01:07:51,499 --> 01:07:53,568 Not too shabby at all. 1627 01:07:53,570 --> 01:07:56,727 I'm not a wizard, but I got the magic. 1628 01:07:56,729 --> 01:07:58,360 Saying shit like that is gonna annul 1629 01:07:58,362 --> 01:08:01,817 everything you just did so no more of that, 'kay? 1630 01:08:01,819 --> 01:08:04,137 Do I get you stamp of approval, though? 1631 01:08:04,139 --> 01:08:06,277 I suppose. 1632 01:08:06,279 --> 01:08:07,707 Then where's my reward? 1633 01:08:07,709 --> 01:08:09,157 What do you want? 1634 01:08:09,159 --> 01:08:10,727 Some heroin would be nice. 1635 01:08:10,729 --> 01:08:12,930 Sure, let me just grab some from my purse. 1636 01:08:14,637 --> 01:08:16,857 No, but there is something that I do want. 1637 01:08:16,857 --> 01:08:16,858 - No, but there is something that I do want. - And what would that be? 1638 01:08:16,858 --> 01:08:18,410 And what would that be? 1639 01:08:20,467 --> 01:08:22,365 Um... 1640 01:08:22,367 --> 01:08:23,578 Um... 1641 01:08:24,557 --> 01:08:26,127 I, uh... 1642 01:08:28,827 --> 01:08:29,660 Oh my God! 1643 01:08:37,978 --> 01:08:42,275 You're terrible at being yourself, you know that? 1644 01:08:42,277 --> 01:08:43,885 You knew I wanted to kiss you? 1645 01:08:43,887 --> 01:08:44,718 Duh. 1646 01:08:44,720 --> 01:08:46,332 We've been leading to it for a while now. 1647 01:08:46,334 --> 01:08:48,175 You should've kissed me when we were by the stairs. 1648 01:08:48,177 --> 01:08:49,985 I know, I wanted to. 1649 01:08:49,987 --> 01:08:51,706 That would've been a moment. 1650 01:08:51,708 --> 01:08:55,768 I just, I usually like to ask girls before I kiss them? 1651 01:08:55,770 --> 01:08:57,215 Why? 1652 01:08:57,217 --> 01:08:58,795 I don't wanna throw myself on someone. 1653 01:08:58,797 --> 01:08:59,640 That's weird. 1654 01:09:00,967 --> 01:09:03,145 You wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me. 1655 01:09:03,147 --> 01:09:04,800 I wanted it too. 1656 01:09:04,802 --> 01:09:05,775 But what if you didn't? 1657 01:09:05,777 --> 01:09:07,490 That's what the mace is for. 1658 01:09:09,367 --> 01:09:11,895 After you shave, do you slap on the aftershave 1659 01:09:11,897 --> 01:09:13,628 or do you dab it on gently? 1660 01:09:13,630 --> 01:09:15,295 Dab it on gently. 1661 01:09:15,297 --> 01:09:16,675 Of course you do. 1662 01:09:16,677 --> 01:09:19,535 Sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind. 1663 01:09:19,537 --> 01:09:21,765 You talked about woman's intuition right? 1664 01:09:21,767 --> 01:09:23,175 Guys have it too. 1665 01:09:23,177 --> 01:09:25,185 You knew I wanted to kiss you. 1666 01:09:25,187 --> 01:09:27,319 You felt exactly what I felt. 1667 01:09:27,321 --> 01:09:28,871 You should've just went for it. 1668 01:09:38,487 --> 01:09:39,805 Much better. 1669 01:09:39,807 --> 01:09:42,630 But next time, do it without us having to talk about it. 1670 01:09:43,594 --> 01:09:44,650 Next time? 1671 01:09:44,652 --> 01:09:45,652 Next time. 1672 01:09:49,628 --> 01:09:51,807 Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight? 1673 01:09:51,807 --> 01:09:51,808 - Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight? - I think we were. 1674 01:09:51,808 --> 01:09:53,715 I think we were. 1675 01:09:53,717 --> 01:09:54,775 We still can. 1676 01:09:54,777 --> 01:09:56,395 Young is the night. 1677 01:09:56,397 --> 01:09:57,435 You wanna pick? 1678 01:09:57,437 --> 01:09:59,045 I shall pick the genre. 1679 01:09:59,047 --> 01:10:01,025 Comedy all the way. 1680 01:10:01,027 --> 01:10:03,760 If it's comedy you want, it's comedy you'll get. 1681 01:10:05,223 --> 01:10:06,844 I know exactly what to pick. 1682 01:10:10,812 --> 01:10:13,395 (UPBEAT MUSIC) 1683 01:10:29,880 --> 01:10:31,886 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 1684 01:10:31,888 --> 01:10:33,736 ♪ This new addition of big bang ♪ 1685 01:10:33,738 --> 01:10:36,107 ♪ Creation of a more displacing the headphones ♪ 1686 01:10:36,109 --> 01:10:37,402 ♪ To turn on the stardom ♪ 1687 01:10:37,404 --> 01:10:39,883 ♪ Flip my keyboard and say beg your pardon ♪ 1688 01:10:39,885 --> 01:10:41,839 ♪ As I pursue stardom ♪ 1689 01:10:41,841 --> 01:10:43,256 ♪ Actually I'm just starting ♪ 1690 01:10:43,258 --> 01:10:45,206 ♪ Inspiring no comedy, like Stevie in Harlem ♪ 1691 01:10:45,208 --> 01:10:46,506 ♪ Cause they did not regard me ♪ 1692 01:10:46,508 --> 01:10:47,921 ♪ Her potions are go ♪ 1693 01:10:47,923 --> 01:10:51,717 ♪ Space is powered by produce you know ♪ 1694 01:10:51,719 --> 01:10:54,065 ♪ This fast food where produce go ♪ 1695 01:10:54,067 --> 01:10:57,085 ♪ Hopefully high, we came doped, doped up ♪ 1696 01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:58,874 ♪ And the people of earth are so low ♪ 1697 01:10:58,876 --> 01:11:01,234 ♪ And I'm just an alien in waiting ♪ 1698 01:11:01,236 --> 01:11:04,210 ♪ In a starship from the motherland ♪ 1699 01:11:04,212 --> 01:11:06,612 ♪ In another land, just another man ♪ 1700 01:11:06,614 --> 01:11:08,991 ♪ The beat funky, make a brother say brother man ♪ 1701 01:11:08,993 --> 01:11:11,342 ♪ Like seventies soul by your hootchie man ♪ 1702 01:11:11,344 --> 01:11:16,344 ♪ Where we go, where we go, where we go ♪ 1703 01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:20,940 ♪ Where we go, where we go, where we go ♪ 1704 01:11:20,942 --> 01:11:23,228 ♪ Up, we go up ♪ 1705 01:11:23,230 --> 01:11:25,722 ♪ We go up, we go up ♪ 1706 01:11:25,722 --> 01:11:25,723 ♪ We go up, we go up ♪ ♪ Up, we go up ♪ 1707 01:11:25,723 --> 01:11:27,998 ♪ Up, we go up ♪ 1708 01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:30,183 ♪ We go up, we go up ♪ 1709 01:11:30,183 --> 01:11:30,184 ♪ We go up, we go up ♪ ♪ And where we go ♪ 1710 01:11:30,184 --> 01:11:31,113 ♪ And where we go ♪ 1711 01:11:31,115 --> 01:11:32,880 ♪ Up, we go up ♪ 1712 01:11:32,882 --> 01:11:35,965 ♪ We go up, we go up ♪ 118063

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