Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:52,794 --> 00:00:55,456
The word "deviant"comes
from the Latin roots...
2
00:00:55,530 --> 00:00:57,293
de, meaning "from"...
3
00:00:57,365 --> 00:00:59,731
and via, "the road."
4
00:00:59,801 --> 00:01:02,292
One who wanders
from the road or gets lost.
5
00:01:02,370 --> 00:01:04,429
One who separates from the crowd.
6
00:01:05,139 --> 00:01:09,132
Of course nowadays it refers to someone
whose sexual practices are abnormal.
7
00:01:10,912 --> 00:01:14,507
This is the story
of Stuart, Alex and me...
8
00:01:14,582 --> 00:01:17,915
and how, for a while,
we became deviants...
9
00:01:17,986 --> 00:01:19,977
in both senses of the word.
10
00:02:40,435 --> 00:02:44,166
Don't do it!
It's a trap! Run away!
11
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,207
It's been said that anyone
who wants to live in a dormitory...
12
00:02:53,281 --> 00:02:56,250
must either be a mental defective
or a freshman.
13
00:02:56,317 --> 00:02:58,842
I was neither.
I was a junior transfer student...
14
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,582
and I thought living in a dorm
couldn't be that bad.
15
00:03:02,657 --> 00:03:05,490
I've never been quite that wrong
before or since.
16
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,154
- Hi.
- Hi. Eddy Howe.
17
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:10,823
I think I'm supposed
to sign something.
18
00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:12,763
Yeah, here you go.
19
00:03:14,035 --> 00:03:16,026
- Here.
- Thank you.
20
00:03:18,873 --> 00:03:22,639
- Here's your key, and there you go.
- Where do I go?
21
00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:24,234
- Upstairs.
- Thank you.
22
00:03:24,312 --> 00:03:26,109
You're welcome.
23
00:03:27,949 --> 00:03:30,349
- Fresh meat.
- I saw him first.
24
00:03:53,341 --> 00:03:55,104
Who are you?
25
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:59,108
I guess I'm your new roommate Eddy.
26
00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:03,378
I thought they were gonna let me
keep the twin as a single.
27
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:04,713
Fuck!
28
00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:11,422
It's nice to meet you too.
29
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,866
What I quickly realized
about Stuart...
30
00:04:20,935 --> 00:04:23,665
was that he lacked that part
of the brain which would stop him...
31
00:04:23,738 --> 00:04:26,571
from saying things that might be
offensive to other people.
32
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:34,881
I also realized that we couldn't
have been less suited as roommates.
33
00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:43,317
- Fore!
- But we managed to get along.
34
00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:48,251
In fact, there developed a bizarre
equanimity in the relationship.
35
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,921
A balance.
36
00:04:49,997 --> 00:04:53,228
I showed Stuart how to make his bed
with hospital corners...
37
00:04:53,301 --> 00:04:55,826
Lick the salt, drink the drink,
suck the lime. One, two, three.
38
00:04:55,903 --> 00:04:58,633
And in return
Stuart taught me how to drink.
39
00:05:04,779 --> 00:05:07,475
I wrote Stuart's
English papers for him...
40
00:05:10,952 --> 00:05:12,783
and he bought me dinner.
41
00:05:13,454 --> 00:05:15,547
I cleaned the bathroom...
42
00:05:16,324 --> 00:05:18,485
and he took care of the laundry.
43
00:05:20,061 --> 00:05:22,894
Sometimes he borrowed
things of mine...
44
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:26,189
and sometimes I borrowed
things back.
45
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:29,395
You think it's real funny, don't you?
How's this? Ready?
46
00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:32,539
Stuart would be quiet
so that I could study...
47
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:41,375
and I gave him time alone
to socialize with friends.
48
00:05:46,654 --> 00:05:49,145
This delicate equilibrium
in the relationship...
49
00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:51,453
was soon upset by an arrival.
50
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:55,321
The other room in the suite,
a single, had remained empty...
51
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,193
until one day.
52
00:05:58,499 --> 00:06:00,899
Whoever he is,
he isn't very friendly.
53
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,002
But we soon met.
54
00:06:03,070 --> 00:06:06,005
Stuart, did you go to class or just
stay in bed and masturbate all day?
55
00:06:11,012 --> 00:06:13,037
You know, I've been...
56
00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,311
Would you please get outta here?
57
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:36,168
It's a coed dorm.
What's the problem?
58
00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:39,798
It's coed within the building.
It's not within the rooms.
59
00:06:40,474 --> 00:06:41,702
So?
60
00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:45,474
So the polite thing for you to do
is go down to the housing office...
61
00:06:45,546 --> 00:06:48,913
tell them there's been a mistake, and
they need to get you boys new rooms.
62
00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:51,781
No, we were here first.
Besides, it's your fault.
63
00:06:51,852 --> 00:06:54,514
Why didn't you use Alexandria
or whatever your full name is?
64
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,681
Alex is my full name.
65
00:06:56,757 --> 00:06:59,487
- It sounds like a man's name to me.
- I think it's lovely.
66
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,991
Wow, she's amazing.
67
00:07:07,668 --> 00:07:09,363
Truly amazing.
68
00:07:10,037 --> 00:07:14,872
Amazing grace
69
00:07:15,543 --> 00:07:17,875
It's not Grace. It's Alex.
70
00:07:18,546 --> 00:07:22,983
Amazing Alex
71
00:07:24,018 --> 00:07:26,077
"Hendrickson, Alex. Male."
72
00:07:26,754 --> 00:07:29,154
I'm a female. Trust me.
73
00:07:29,223 --> 00:07:31,783
According to our files,
you're male.
74
00:07:35,463 --> 00:07:37,021
Okay...
75
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,267
let's just suppose for a second...
76
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:43,132
that I'm a female.
77
00:07:43,204 --> 00:07:44,865
What would happen then?
78
00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,874
I'd have to put you
on the transfer waiting list...
79
00:07:47,942 --> 00:07:50,137
and your name would probably
come up in eight to twelve weeks.
80
00:07:51,612 --> 00:07:53,807
There's a severe housing shortage
in the area.
81
00:07:53,881 --> 00:07:57,442
- Would you consider living off-campus?
- I can't afford it.
82
00:07:57,518 --> 00:07:59,713
I can put you on the transfer
waiting list...
83
00:07:59,787 --> 00:08:02,654
but I'll need official verification
that you are indeed a female.
84
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:06,986
Next.
85
00:08:07,061 --> 00:08:10,519
It's only temporary.
I mean, till I can find something.
86
00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:14,866
I just... I'm not asking anyone
to do anything silly...
87
00:08:14,935 --> 00:08:17,130
like put down the toilet seat.
88
00:08:17,204 --> 00:08:20,901
I'm just asking that when you're done
voiding your bowels, you flush.
89
00:08:21,609 --> 00:08:23,634
After we're done
"whating" our "what"?
90
00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:26,805
She means flush after you take
one of those big dumps, moron.
91
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,281
Is that what you mean?
92
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:31,750
That's a shame.
I'm so proud of those.
93
00:08:31,819 --> 00:08:35,118
You know, in some countries,
the size of a man's crap...
94
00:08:35,189 --> 00:08:37,851
is a sign of his masculinity.
95
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,865
She avoided us.
96
00:08:44,932 --> 00:08:46,923
What was it
that kept her away?
97
00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:15,922
I just love the smell
of her dirty panties.
98
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:27,897
For some unknown reason,
Stuart was confident she'd come around.
99
00:09:27,975 --> 00:09:29,909
I need to talk to you.
100
00:09:30,578 --> 00:09:31,909
Yes, Alex?
101
00:09:31,979 --> 00:09:34,675
If you don't stop
eating my yogurt...
102
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,943
I know it was you...
103
00:09:37,017 --> 00:09:40,180
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
104
00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:45,215
You make murder sound
so sexual, Alex.
105
00:10:18,092 --> 00:10:20,287
Get that crap to go.
I wanna work on her.
106
00:10:21,362 --> 00:10:23,626
She doesn't like you, all right?
When's it gonna penetrate?
107
00:10:23,697 --> 00:10:25,995
As soon as you go away, maybe.
108
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:29,729
Now wrap it up and get it
to go quickly. Go now.
109
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,794
Eat shit now.
110
00:10:33,541 --> 00:10:36,339
- One, two, three.
- Don't do that.
111
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:39,641
- Go. Get out of here.
- You're a neanderthal. You know that?
112
00:10:39,713 --> 00:10:42,204
- I know that.
- No, you're really growing.
113
00:10:42,283 --> 00:10:44,274
You're growing as a person.
That's important.
114
00:10:44,351 --> 00:10:46,376
- You should show Alex that.
- Will you get outta here?
115
00:10:46,453 --> 00:10:48,444
No, I have to order
another slice of pizza.
116
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:51,491
I think there's a danger
in our being overfriendly.
117
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,961
How can we be overfriendly
if we aren't even friendly?
118
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,964
He's got a point.
119
00:11:06,740 --> 00:11:09,106
That's a great book.
You're gonna love it.
120
00:11:09,176 --> 00:11:11,007
I've read it four times.
121
00:11:11,745 --> 00:11:17,342
You know, I've often felt like
the main character, Holden Caulfield.
122
00:11:18,586 --> 00:11:21,180
No, you're not Holden Caulfield.
123
00:11:21,255 --> 00:11:23,416
He's Stradlater,
the obnoxious roommate.
124
00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:26,118
The one that thinks he's a stud and
borrows Holden's coat without asking...
125
00:11:26,193 --> 00:11:29,458
and stretches it out
and doesn't apologize.
126
00:11:29,530 --> 00:11:31,259
It's a good book.
127
00:11:32,266 --> 00:11:34,427
I always felt like
the little sister.
128
00:11:34,501 --> 00:11:36,799
- Phoebe?
- Yeah.
129
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:39,270
Have you read Franny and Zooey
or Nine Stories?
130
00:11:39,340 --> 00:11:41,831
Yeah. They're not as good, though.
131
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:45,174
You know, one time my mom...
She actually metJ D Salinger.
132
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,147
- Really?
- She threw up on his front lawn.
133
00:11:48,215 --> 00:11:49,273
Really?
134
00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:53,343
Yeah, she was on vacation
in Maine with her best friend...
135
00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:56,014
and they met these two sailors
who were in port for the night.
136
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,422
They got really drunk
and these sailors took them out.
137
00:11:58,492 --> 00:12:01,984
Before long, Alex and I were
wrapped in conversation...
138
00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,698
and Stuart was not.
139
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:08,428
Look, I wasn't trying to horn in
on your situation, okay?
140
00:12:08,502 --> 00:12:10,493
I'm not interested in her anyway.
141
00:12:11,505 --> 00:12:14,133
Whatever.
I don't want to talk about it.
142
00:12:19,313 --> 00:12:20,905
Sorry.
143
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,117
Gimme your toothbrush.
144
00:12:28,188 --> 00:12:31,988
- Why?
- Give me your toothbrush.
145
00:12:34,995 --> 00:12:38,829
- I don't want to.
- Gimme the goddamn toothbrush!
146
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,162
I would not have spilled
my father's blood...
147
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,767
or listened to those
who called me my mother's wife.
148
00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:52,175
And now I am God-shunned...
149
00:12:52,246 --> 00:12:55,044
the daughter of a mother defiled...
150
00:12:55,115 --> 00:12:58,209
and I have taken my turn
in my mother's bed.
151
00:12:58,285 --> 00:13:01,345
If there is any tragedy
greater than all others...
152
00:13:02,456 --> 00:13:04,390
it belongs to me.
153
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,721
Pretty awful, huh?
154
00:13:08,796 --> 00:13:11,060
I just don't understand
why anybody would do...
155
00:13:11,131 --> 00:13:13,224
a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex.
156
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,200
I thought it was good.
157
00:13:15,869 --> 00:13:19,669
- You did?
- Yeah. I really liked it.
158
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,901
Stuart, you don't have to worry
about hurting my feelings.
159
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:25,410
I know it was a piece of crap.
160
00:13:25,479 --> 00:13:28,346
I thought you were good.
I thought everybody was really good.
161
00:13:28,415 --> 00:13:30,940
- I liked it.
- What'd you think?
162
00:13:32,386 --> 00:13:34,684
The translation was bad.
163
00:13:34,755 --> 00:13:36,518
Direction was nonexistent.
164
00:13:36,590 --> 00:13:40,287
Somebody should call the acting police
on a couple of those actresses.
165
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,693
Costumes looked like
a bad night at Caesar's Palace.
166
00:13:42,763 --> 00:13:44,754
Other than that,
I thought it was great.
167
00:13:44,832 --> 00:13:47,699
You were wonderful.
You made the best out of your part.
168
00:13:48,469 --> 00:13:50,369
I agree with all that.
169
00:13:50,437 --> 00:13:52,496
I think you guys are being
too hard on it.
170
00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:58,007
You're a business major. This is art.
The work is what's important here.
171
00:13:58,078 --> 00:14:00,638
It's better to be honest
than to be nice, okay?
172
00:14:01,582 --> 00:14:03,709
Fuck me for being nice.
173
00:14:07,821 --> 00:14:11,257
- Wait, Stuart.
- Just let him go.
174
00:14:11,325 --> 00:14:13,316
It's better just the two of us.
175
00:14:17,698 --> 00:14:18,966
A toast to bigger and better things.
176
00:14:18,966 --> 00:14:20,934
A toast to bigger and better things.
177
00:14:30,144 --> 00:14:32,374
Professionally or personally?
178
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:36,281
I was speaking professionally...
179
00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:41,310
but as the big dude says, a man is happy
when he has both work and love.
180
00:14:41,388 --> 00:14:42,252
The big dude?
181
00:14:42,322 --> 00:14:46,486
Yeah, unfashionable
though he may be, Freud.
182
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,690
I love Freud,
unfashionable though he may be.
183
00:14:52,866 --> 00:14:55,164
- I should go.
- No.
184
00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:57,897
Come on. Just sit down for one second.
You mind if I change?
185
00:14:57,971 --> 00:14:59,438
No.
186
00:15:01,308 --> 00:15:04,243
I just really want everything
to be perfect for this moment.
187
00:15:04,912 --> 00:15:06,345
Are we having a moment?
188
00:15:07,181 --> 00:15:08,842
How about this?
189
00:15:08,916 --> 00:15:10,907
That's perfect.
190
00:15:10,984 --> 00:15:11,973
This?
191
00:15:12,052 --> 00:15:14,043
Great.
They're both excellent choices.
192
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:15,713
I hate them.
193
00:15:23,697 --> 00:15:26,325
It's kinda pointless.
Don't you think?
194
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,763
What is?
195
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,128
Putting on clothes.
196
00:15:34,508 --> 00:15:37,033
When I just want to take 'em off.
197
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,842
Well, some people say it's pointless
to make your bed every morning...
198
00:15:41,915 --> 00:15:43,906
just 'cause you're gonna
unmake it every night...
199
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,282
but I still think
it's nice to make your bed.
200
00:15:46,353 --> 00:15:50,619
- My bed's made.
- Yeah. You did a really good job too.
201
00:15:52,726 --> 00:15:55,490
- I'm gonna kiss you now.
- I should...
202
00:15:58,765 --> 00:16:01,029
- What are you doing?
- Guess.
203
00:16:01,101 --> 00:16:03,695
- Let's talk about this first.
- Let's not.
204
00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:06,937
- Am I hurting you?
- No. Could you get off me now?
205
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:10,033
- You want me to get you off?
- No, l...
206
00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:12,169
What are you doing?
207
00:16:14,648 --> 00:16:17,913
- You smell good.
- Alex, l...
208
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,486
Alex, I don't know.
209
00:16:23,557 --> 00:16:27,425
- I don't know if this...
- I think you're at a loss for words.
210
00:16:35,435 --> 00:16:37,699
Eddy, come back!
211
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,204
- Then what did you do?
- I didn't know what to do, all right?
212
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:43,800
She kissed me,
and it snowballed into this insanity.
213
00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:46,072
You didn't get anything?
You didn't look down her dress?
214
00:16:46,146 --> 00:16:50,105
- Cop a little feel? Goose her? Nothing?
- No. I told her to stop touching me.
215
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,674
- Why didn't you just fuck her?
- Yeah, right.
216
00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:55,916
The girl was on her knees,
undoing your fly with her teeth.
217
00:16:55,989 --> 00:16:59,049
She's in the perfect position
to at least get a blow job.
218
00:17:01,128 --> 00:17:04,962
- You wouldn't understand.
- You're right. I wouldn't understand.
219
00:17:05,032 --> 00:17:07,899
The girl wants you to fuck her,
you fuck her.
220
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:10,368
Unless you're doing
the asexual thing.
221
00:17:11,271 --> 00:17:14,798
- The what?
- It's a classic.
222
00:17:14,875 --> 00:17:17,366
What are you talking about?
223
00:17:17,444 --> 00:17:20,106
You act like you're a fag,
the two of you become good friends...
224
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,740
you start to share clothes,
she starts to confide in you...
225
00:17:22,816 --> 00:17:25,182
and then, "boom,"
you go for her tits.
226
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,743
It's brilliant,
if you can pull it off.
227
00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:30,689
Yeah, maybe that's what I'm doing.
228
00:17:53,647 --> 00:17:55,171
Hi.
229
00:18:08,428 --> 00:18:10,794
I think there's something
you should know.
230
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:19,905
I find libraries very erotic.
231
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:25,844
The smell of old books.
232
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:29,741
The silence.
233
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,422
The long aisles.
234
00:18:39,926 --> 00:18:42,451
To be lost in the stacks.
235
00:18:45,399 --> 00:18:48,095
That's very interesting.
236
00:18:51,138 --> 00:18:53,936
- What are you reading?
- Hawthorne.
237
00:18:57,644 --> 00:19:01,808
- Will you read to me?
- Alex, I've got to study for this.
238
00:19:01,882 --> 00:19:04,715
Please, please, please.
239
00:19:10,824 --> 00:19:13,315
"Soon there emerged
from under a sculpted portal...
240
00:19:13,393 --> 00:19:15,327
the figure of a young girl...
241
00:19:15,395 --> 00:19:18,887
arrayed with as much richness of taste
as the most splendid of the flowers.
242
00:19:18,965 --> 00:19:20,956
Beautiful as the...
243
00:19:22,169 --> 00:19:23,796
day...
244
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:27,738
and with a bloom
so deep and vivid that...
245
00:19:27,808 --> 00:19:29,275
Oh, my!
246
00:19:30,610 --> 00:19:33,306
One shade more
would have been too much.
247
00:19:35,816 --> 00:19:38,011
She looked redundant with life,
health and energy...
248
00:19:38,085 --> 00:19:41,521
all of which attributes were bound
down and compressed, as it were...
249
00:19:41,588 --> 00:19:44,648
and girdled tensely
in their luxuriance...
250
00:19:45,325 --> 00:19:47,088
by her virgin zone."
251
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,026
Are you all right?
252
00:19:57,170 --> 00:19:58,501
Golly...
253
00:19:59,339 --> 00:20:01,307
I love big words.
254
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,175
Right there?
255
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:09,238
She came right there?
256
00:20:09,316 --> 00:20:11,807
I think so. I don't know.
Don't tell her I told you, all right?
257
00:20:11,885 --> 00:20:14,854
What do you think I am,
some kind of a sleazebag?
258
00:20:14,921 --> 00:20:16,445
Then what happened?
259
00:20:17,524 --> 00:20:19,822
- Nothing. I was reading.
- What were you reading?
260
00:20:19,893 --> 00:20:22,521
Hawthorne.
Nathaniel Hawthorne.
261
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,860
Moby Dick.
That's good.
262
00:20:24,931 --> 00:20:26,899
That's Herman Melville.
263
00:20:26,967 --> 00:20:28,696
Whatever.
264
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:29,793
So?
265
00:20:29,870 --> 00:20:34,034
So, Eddy, this is a major discovery.
266
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:37,304
This girl... She is a live wire
of sexual energy.
267
00:20:37,377 --> 00:20:39,368
You're telling me.
268
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:41,311
Doesn't that excite you?
269
00:20:41,381 --> 00:20:44,475
I mean, don't you want to just
take this girl and, like...
270
00:20:44,551 --> 00:20:47,645
grab her and just fuck her?
271
00:20:49,990 --> 00:20:50,979
Maybe.
272
00:20:51,057 --> 00:20:52,957
There's no maybes about it.
273
00:20:53,026 --> 00:20:55,859
The next time you're in that situation,
you slide her off that table...
274
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:57,920
and you pull up her skirt.
275
00:20:57,998 --> 00:20:59,966
Rip her panties off
with your teeth.
276
00:21:00,033 --> 00:21:03,332
With your teeth. That's good.
And then take your fingers... No.
277
00:21:03,403 --> 00:21:07,100
At that moment, I was indeed
becoming sexually excited...
278
00:21:07,174 --> 00:21:09,836
but not over Alex.
279
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:12,879
Then all of a sudden you just
shove it right in.
280
00:21:12,946 --> 00:21:15,346
As Stuart went on and on,
I realized finally...
281
00:21:16,116 --> 00:21:18,050
that it was he I lusted after.
282
00:21:18,118 --> 00:21:21,485
Right when you're about to come,
just squeeze it at the end and...
283
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,890
You know what I mean?
284
00:21:32,966 --> 00:21:34,331
Yeah.
285
00:21:37,404 --> 00:21:40,237
Stuart went on to say he had never
felt as strongly for any girl...
286
00:21:40,307 --> 00:21:43,799
as he did for Alex, and since
I was indifferent, he had to have her.
287
00:21:43,877 --> 00:21:45,868
He would stop at nothing.
288
00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:48,480
Even if it meant being...
289
00:21:49,649 --> 00:21:51,378
an intellectual.
290
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,753
What are you doing here?
291
00:21:55,889 --> 00:21:57,220
Reading.
292
00:21:57,290 --> 00:22:00,088
Stuart, have you ever set foot
in this library before?
293
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,991
In any library, for that matter?
294
00:22:04,297 --> 00:22:08,563
Well, last time I checked,
the purpose for college...
295
00:22:08,635 --> 00:22:10,796
was educational advancement.
296
00:22:11,638 --> 00:22:13,833
Eddy told you what happened
yesterday, didn't he?
297
00:22:15,475 --> 00:22:17,466
What are you talking about?
298
00:22:19,079 --> 00:22:21,138
It's not gonna happen.
299
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:24,615
It's nothing personal.
There's just no magic.
300
00:22:25,752 --> 00:22:28,243
So just cool it, okay?
301
00:22:50,810 --> 00:22:53,005
You don't need magic.
302
00:22:53,079 --> 00:22:55,172
Really? What do I need?
303
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,741
What you need...
304
00:23:00,787 --> 00:23:02,516
is a long...
305
00:23:03,623 --> 00:23:05,147
hard...
306
00:23:06,459 --> 00:23:08,927
phantasmagoric...
307
00:23:11,164 --> 00:23:12,927
fuck.
308
00:23:14,701 --> 00:23:17,534
- I don't like you, Stuart.
- That's okay.
309
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:24,342
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
310
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:31,315
You know, you really shouldn't
deprive the body of what it needs.
311
00:23:38,892 --> 00:23:41,326
"Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov...
312
00:23:41,394 --> 00:23:45,023
was the third son
of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov..."
313
00:23:45,098 --> 00:23:47,089
What are you doing?
314
00:23:49,569 --> 00:23:51,469
Dostoevsky.
315
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,806
You try too hard.
316
00:23:55,875 --> 00:23:58,343
That's your whole problem.
317
00:23:58,411 --> 00:24:00,504
You were just about ready
to tap into something...
318
00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:02,445
completely savage and emotional...
319
00:24:02,515 --> 00:24:04,779
and you ruin it by trying to be
something you're not.
320
00:24:06,186 --> 00:24:07,881
I'm sorry.
321
00:24:10,123 --> 00:24:13,456
You're not an intellectual.
Accept it.
322
00:24:14,361 --> 00:24:18,127
I accept it.
Now can we try this again? Please?
323
00:24:18,198 --> 00:24:19,790
No!
324
00:24:22,402 --> 00:24:23,733
Shit.
325
00:24:29,609 --> 00:24:31,907
- I've been looking for you.
- You have?
326
00:24:31,978 --> 00:24:34,310
- We need to talk.
- We do?
327
00:24:34,381 --> 00:24:36,781
- Why are you backing away from me?
- I'm not backing away from you.
328
00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:38,977
I'm just walking backwards
while you're walking forwards.
329
00:24:39,052 --> 00:24:42,419
I forgive you for telling Stuart
about what happened in the library.
330
00:24:43,089 --> 00:24:45,216
I apologize for my exuberance.
331
00:24:45,291 --> 00:24:47,521
I don't apologize
for my exuberance!
332
00:24:47,594 --> 00:24:50,961
I revel in it! And I wanna know
what the story is with you!
333
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:53,465
Why are you so standoffish with me?
334
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:56,093
Why won't you kiss me?
Why?
335
00:24:56,169 --> 00:24:59,969
- Look, you see, it's...
- What?
336
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,508
- Never mind.
- What?
337
00:25:02,575 --> 00:25:05,100
- I can't tell you!
- Tell me.
338
00:25:18,525 --> 00:25:20,584
I'm sexually ambivalent.
339
00:25:25,231 --> 00:25:29,258
Ambivalent about sex in general,
or ambivalent about sex with me?
340
00:25:33,506 --> 00:25:35,804
Ambivalent about sex with girls.
341
00:25:48,555 --> 00:25:50,455
You don't like girls.
342
00:25:51,524 --> 00:25:54,516
I like them.
I just don't wanna have sex with them.
343
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:02,196
You know...
344
00:26:05,572 --> 00:26:07,335
I suspected it.
345
00:26:07,407 --> 00:26:08,738
You did?
346
00:26:09,409 --> 00:26:10,876
Oh, yeah.
347
00:26:19,652 --> 00:26:21,643
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
348
00:26:27,660 --> 00:26:29,992
How many men have you been with?
349
00:26:30,063 --> 00:26:32,759
- Alex, come on.
- Just tell me.
350
00:26:36,936 --> 00:26:38,665
All right.
351
00:26:38,738 --> 00:26:40,797
The truth is...
352
00:26:40,874 --> 00:26:43,638
except for a few
botched attempts with girls...
353
00:26:45,044 --> 00:26:46,602
I'm a...
354
00:26:48,882 --> 00:26:50,474
You know.
355
00:26:51,885 --> 00:26:55,048
Oh, God.
I haven't slept with anyone.
356
00:26:55,121 --> 00:26:58,613
- You haven't been with a man yet?
- No, not with anyone.
357
00:26:58,691 --> 00:27:00,852
Then you're not gay!
358
00:27:00,927 --> 00:27:02,952
You're a blank slate!
359
00:27:03,029 --> 00:27:06,590
I'll mold you into a heterosexual
with my bare hands.
360
00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:10,158
Drama major.
Okay, fine. Just do me a favor.
361
00:27:10,236 --> 00:27:13,069
Don't tell Stuart, all right?
362
00:27:13,139 --> 00:27:15,004
- Sure.
- You promise?
363
00:27:15,074 --> 00:27:16,302
Yeah.
364
00:27:24,217 --> 00:27:26,515
What are you doing?
365
00:27:26,586 --> 00:27:28,281
Nothing.
366
00:27:51,978 --> 00:27:53,912
Were you just looking
at my butt?
367
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:56,512
No.
368
00:27:56,583 --> 00:27:58,915
You weren't just looking
at my butt?
369
00:28:02,121 --> 00:28:04,112
Don't know
what you're talking about.
370
00:28:16,836 --> 00:28:19,202
Eddy, I've been thinking
about something.
371
00:28:19,272 --> 00:28:20,671
That's good.
372
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:23,834
I think you were checking out
my butt the other day.
373
00:28:25,178 --> 00:28:26,509
I was not.
374
00:28:26,579 --> 00:28:28,604
I think you were.
375
00:28:30,283 --> 00:28:32,444
I don't care what you think.
376
00:28:33,519 --> 00:28:35,146
Are you a homo?
377
00:28:35,822 --> 00:28:37,483
Fuck off.
378
00:28:38,458 --> 00:28:41,120
It's okay if you are.
Doesn't bother me.
379
00:28:41,194 --> 00:28:44,630
I'm secure enough in my own sexuality
to not feel threatened by it.
380
00:28:45,798 --> 00:28:48,767
I have a very hip attitude
about this sort of thing.
381
00:28:48,835 --> 00:28:51,633
My mom had a lot of gay friends.
382
00:28:51,704 --> 00:28:55,162
You know, it's not a good time to be
a sexually promiscuous homo.
383
00:28:58,478 --> 00:29:00,241
You ever butt-fucked anybody?
384
00:29:00,313 --> 00:29:01,644
Jesus!
385
00:29:01,714 --> 00:29:03,579
No? You ever been butt-fucked?
386
00:29:03,650 --> 00:29:06,141
Please, Stuart. Please shut up.
All right?
387
00:29:06,219 --> 00:29:09,586
I'm not gonna finish writing
this paper for you unless you shut up.
388
00:29:11,658 --> 00:29:14,422
Look, I don't have anything
against homos.
389
00:29:14,494 --> 00:29:17,224
I mean, you are what you are, right?
390
00:29:17,897 --> 00:29:20,127
And it's okay
if you look at my butt.
391
00:29:20,199 --> 00:29:22,599
It's a nice butt.
I know that.
392
00:29:22,669 --> 00:29:24,432
Will you stop saying
the word "butt"?
393
00:29:24,504 --> 00:29:26,699
- But...
- That's it.
394
00:29:29,842 --> 00:29:33,107
Hey, Eddy, this paper's due tomorrow.
What am I gonna do?
395
00:29:44,957 --> 00:29:47,221
Guess what?
396
00:29:47,293 --> 00:29:48,726
What?
397
00:29:48,795 --> 00:29:53,289
- Eddy is a proud home owner.
- A what?
398
00:29:54,467 --> 00:29:57,698
A homeboy.
Homo erectus.
399
00:29:57,770 --> 00:30:00,398
- A fag.
- I didn't say that.
400
00:30:00,473 --> 00:30:02,065
You didn't deny it.
401
00:30:02,141 --> 00:30:03,699
I don't believe it.
402
00:30:04,377 --> 00:30:05,969
You can't say "fag."
403
00:30:06,045 --> 00:30:08,036
It's like when one black guy
calls another "nigger."
404
00:30:08,114 --> 00:30:09,638
You can't say it
unless you are one.
405
00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:12,777
You just said "nigger,"
and you're not a black guy.
406
00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:14,877
It's okay, though,
'cause I'm a fag.
407
00:30:14,954 --> 00:30:16,979
You see?
What'd I tell you?
408
00:30:17,056 --> 00:30:20,492
- Stop saying that word.
- He is what he is.
409
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:22,619
He doesn't know what he is.
He's confused.
410
00:30:23,129 --> 00:30:25,063
He's not confused about my butt.
411
00:30:30,603 --> 00:30:32,434
Do you like boys or girls?
412
00:30:33,639 --> 00:30:35,698
The truth is,
sometimes both are attractive.
413
00:30:35,775 --> 00:30:38,175
- Of course they are.
- But if you think it through...
414
00:30:38,244 --> 00:30:41,077
gay sex, by definition,
is better than straight sex.
415
00:30:41,147 --> 00:30:43,377
Get the fuck outta here.
416
00:30:43,449 --> 00:30:45,940
- No, I have a theory.
- I would love to hear this.
417
00:30:46,018 --> 00:30:49,249
Well, as I see it,
it all has to do with equipment...
418
00:30:49,322 --> 00:30:51,916
and the correct use
of that equipment.
419
00:30:51,991 --> 00:30:54,482
Now, if you have male genitalia,
as I do...
420
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,393
and you're sleeping with someone
who also has male genitalia...
421
00:30:57,463 --> 00:31:00,023
then you have firsthand knowledge
of how their equipment works.
422
00:31:00,099 --> 00:31:02,067
You know where
the pressure-sensitive points are.
423
00:31:02,135 --> 00:31:03,659
You know what buttons to push.
424
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:06,569
On the other hand, if you're a man
having sex with a woman or vice versa...
425
00:31:06,639 --> 00:31:09,130
then you really never know
how they feel.
426
00:31:09,208 --> 00:31:12,507
You don't know if they really feel great
or if they're just faking it.
427
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:15,838
Wow.
428
00:31:16,983 --> 00:31:18,951
No. No.
429
00:31:19,018 --> 00:31:22,249
Straight sex is better than gay sex.
It's written in the Bible.
430
00:31:22,321 --> 00:31:24,721
Is that in the King James
or the New World edition?
431
00:31:25,391 --> 00:31:27,359
Look, I just know. Okay?
432
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:29,895
How do you know, Stuart?
I mean, have you compared the two?
433
00:31:29,962 --> 00:31:31,020
Have you?
434
00:31:31,798 --> 00:31:33,663
Surely you admit
that lesbian sex...
435
00:31:33,733 --> 00:31:35,701
is more satisfying to women
than hetero sex, right?
436
00:31:35,768 --> 00:31:37,565
I mean, that's an established fact.
437
00:31:37,637 --> 00:31:39,798
Everybody knows that.
438
00:31:40,473 --> 00:31:42,304
I've grown tired.
439
00:31:43,776 --> 00:31:47,507
Look, no matter what happens,
somebody's gonna get screwed.
440
00:31:48,481 --> 00:31:50,506
Who's gonna get screwed?
441
00:31:50,583 --> 00:31:52,574
I think you guys know
what I'm talking about.
442
00:31:52,652 --> 00:31:55,086
I think it's destructive
and dangerous.
443
00:31:57,256 --> 00:31:58,985
What is?
444
00:31:59,058 --> 00:32:00,923
Don't act stupid.
445
00:32:00,993 --> 00:32:02,824
He's not acting, Alex.
446
00:32:02,895 --> 00:32:05,022
Okay, look.
447
00:32:05,097 --> 00:32:07,827
You have the hots for me,
I have the hots for him...
448
00:32:07,900 --> 00:32:10,892
and sooner or later,
he's gonna have the hots for you.
449
00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:13,268
Sounds pretty hot to me.
450
00:32:26,118 --> 00:32:27,915
Let's make a vow.
451
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,716
Sacred vow.
452
00:32:29,789 --> 00:32:32,087
The three of us
are gonna be friends, and that's it.
453
00:32:33,159 --> 00:32:35,457
I mean, aren't you guys tired
of this whole sex thing?
454
00:32:35,528 --> 00:32:38,520
How can I be tired of this whole
sex thing if I haven't had any sex?
455
00:32:40,366 --> 00:32:43,267
Well, then, have sex with someone
outside our little circle.
456
00:32:44,370 --> 00:32:48,704
Sex with strangers.
That sounds wise.
457
00:32:50,109 --> 00:32:51,940
Forget about that.
458
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:56,076
But as far as the three of us go,
let's just be friends.
459
00:32:56,148 --> 00:32:57,775
No sex.
460
00:32:58,451 --> 00:32:59,816
Yes, Stuart?
461
00:33:00,486 --> 00:33:02,420
Do blow jobs count as sex?
462
00:33:02,488 --> 00:33:05,150
I'm not gonna blow you, man,
and that's final.
463
00:33:09,695 --> 00:33:11,356
Come on!
464
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:22,566
Okay?
465
00:33:25,845 --> 00:33:26,903
Okay.
466
00:33:28,814 --> 00:33:31,510
Sacred vows are all
very well and good...
467
00:33:31,584 --> 00:33:36,283
but only moments later I felt Alex
eyeing my rear end on the way home.
468
00:33:36,355 --> 00:33:39,153
And as we said good night,
Stuart allowed his gaze to linger...
469
00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:42,160
on the gently sloping nape
of Alex's neck.
470
00:33:43,262 --> 00:33:45,696
And I stayed up
for reasons of my own.
471
00:33:47,900 --> 00:33:49,868
But the sacred vow was observed...
472
00:33:49,936 --> 00:33:52,302
at least on the surface...
and we became friends.
473
00:33:52,371 --> 00:33:53,599
Hey, Stuart!
474
00:33:53,673 --> 00:33:55,664
Watch out for the balloons!
475
00:33:55,741 --> 00:33:57,265
I'm gonna kill you!
476
00:34:05,284 --> 00:34:06,876
I'm sorry.
477
00:34:07,553 --> 00:34:09,384
Alex, I'm in here.
Can you please wait?
478
00:34:09,455 --> 00:34:11,446
How about, "Alex, you look so nice"?
479
00:34:11,524 --> 00:34:15,324
Stuart, let's go.
Get outta here!
480
00:34:15,394 --> 00:34:17,487
Get outta here.
481
00:34:17,563 --> 00:34:19,895
- Alex, come on. Get out.
- Don't fucking push me!
482
00:34:19,966 --> 00:34:22,457
I swear I'll hit you. I'm violent.
I'll hit you with it.
483
00:34:23,135 --> 00:34:25,069
It's not funny!
484
00:35:40,079 --> 00:35:43,276
The oddity of our happy little enclave
is lost on no one.
485
00:35:44,950 --> 00:35:46,975
Especially not the lobby lizards.
486
00:35:47,653 --> 00:35:50,178
All I wanna know
is who's doing who.
487
00:35:50,256 --> 00:35:52,520
I heard that Eddy and Stu
are taking turns with her.
488
00:35:52,591 --> 00:35:55,754
I think the guys are gay,
and she's their fag hag.
489
00:35:55,828 --> 00:35:58,422
She's not a fag hag.
You're a fag hag.
490
00:35:58,497 --> 00:36:00,795
- I am not.
- Leave her alone, Stuart.
491
00:36:00,866 --> 00:36:02,925
Leave me alone!
492
00:36:03,002 --> 00:36:06,563
I don't like you.
Stop it.
493
00:36:10,743 --> 00:36:13,405
You're hurting me!
Would you knock it off?
494
00:36:13,479 --> 00:36:16,141
I bruise easily. I have 5,000
gazillion-jillion bruises from you.
495
00:36:16,215 --> 00:36:18,683
- Where did he hurt you? Let me see.
- Look at that.
496
00:36:18,751 --> 00:36:21,345
- Right there? Is that where it hurts?
- Don't you get like that.
497
00:36:21,420 --> 00:36:24,184
Oh, my God.
It's total S&M.
498
00:36:34,834 --> 00:36:37,302
Hi.
How are the three musketeers?
499
00:36:37,369 --> 00:36:40,497
Just one big happy family.
500
00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,165
It sounds pretty kinky.
501
00:36:42,908 --> 00:36:45,240
Incest is best.
502
00:36:48,514 --> 00:36:51,210
Right there. Right there.
503
00:36:52,351 --> 00:36:54,842
Unbelievable.
504
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,356
One night, when Alex had the nerve
to go to a party without us...
505
00:36:58,424 --> 00:37:00,722
Stuart and I fell asleep
in her room.
506
00:37:00,793 --> 00:37:04,593
A foul and mysterious odor having
driven us out of our own quarters.
507
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:16,370
What are you doing in here?
508
00:37:17,476 --> 00:37:20,206
Our room has
a foul and mysterious odor.
509
00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:23,043
Why don't you clean it?
You used to be a clean person. Let's go.
510
00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:25,481
That was before
I moved in with him.
511
00:37:25,551 --> 00:37:28,486
I used to make hospital corners.
Now I don't even wash my sheets.
512
00:37:29,555 --> 00:37:32,649
- Who are you?
- That's Larry. This is Eddy and Stuart.
513
00:37:32,725 --> 00:37:33,851
Hi.
514
00:37:35,661 --> 00:37:37,891
What's his name? "Scary?"
515
00:37:37,963 --> 00:37:39,760
I think he said "Larry."
516
00:37:41,801 --> 00:37:43,701
- Get out!
- "Larry?"
517
00:37:44,370 --> 00:37:46,031
Yes, "Larry."
518
00:37:47,306 --> 00:37:48,933
Come on. Let's go. Get out.
519
00:37:49,008 --> 00:37:51,738
Stop kicking at me.
Get out.
520
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,987
- Are you hungry?
- No, thank you.
521
00:38:10,162 --> 00:38:12,687
- I'm sorry.
- No problem.
522
00:38:16,202 --> 00:38:20,195
We should've expected it.
No oaths of exclusivity had been taken.
523
00:38:20,272 --> 00:38:21,933
Quite the opposite.
524
00:38:22,007 --> 00:38:25,408
But, nonetheless, we felt supplanted
by Larry and betrayed by Alex.
525
00:38:26,178 --> 00:38:28,669
The sanctuary
had been trespassed upon.
526
00:38:53,072 --> 00:38:55,404
You're a very special girl.
527
00:38:56,475 --> 00:38:59,672
I think I'd like to get
to know you a lot better.
528
00:39:00,746 --> 00:39:02,839
What are your dreams?
529
00:39:02,915 --> 00:39:05,179
Who is Alex?
530
00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:09,854
Gosh, let's not talk.
531
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,385
You're right.
532
00:39:16,462 --> 00:39:20,421
Let's communicate via
the international language of love.
533
00:39:26,705 --> 00:39:29,230
Twenty. Shit.
534
00:39:35,281 --> 00:39:38,011
- You hungry?
- Am I ever not hungry?
535
00:39:40,019 --> 00:39:41,350
Pizza?
536
00:39:42,988 --> 00:39:44,615
Sounds good.
537
00:39:45,424 --> 00:39:46,914
Okay.
538
00:39:51,597 --> 00:39:55,124
- You think Alex is hungry?
- Let's not forget about Scary Larry.
539
00:40:03,342 --> 00:40:06,800
- Hi. You hungry?
- I hope you burn in hell!
540
00:40:12,418 --> 00:40:15,319
I don't think she's hungry.
I think she's mad.
541
00:40:15,387 --> 00:40:16,877
No, you're mistaken.
542
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,981
You need to call her back up
and make sure you didn't...
543
00:40:19,058 --> 00:40:20,719
ruffle her feathers unnecessarily.
544
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,091
What a good idea.
545
00:40:26,598 --> 00:40:29,260
Hi. It's me again.
Look, I was curious.
546
00:40:29,335 --> 00:40:33,567
Are you angry with me because I called,
or because you're just not hungry?
547
00:40:34,707 --> 00:40:36,197
Hello?
548
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:40,240
She hung up.
549
00:40:42,448 --> 00:40:45,713
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Are you that jealous?
550
00:40:45,784 --> 00:40:49,345
My dear, we're just worried about
a young man that comes a-courtin'.
551
00:40:49,421 --> 00:40:51,082
Is he a Christian?
552
00:40:51,156 --> 00:40:53,454
- Leave me alone.
- Wait.
553
00:40:53,525 --> 00:40:55,686
- What?
- One more question.
554
00:40:56,562 --> 00:40:58,291
It's about his hair.
555
00:40:58,364 --> 00:41:00,195
Is it fiberglass or steel?
556
00:41:01,867 --> 00:41:03,801
We think that Larry...
557
00:41:04,870 --> 00:41:07,031
is very scary.
558
00:41:07,106 --> 00:41:10,371
- And hairy.
- Very hairy.
559
00:41:10,442 --> 00:41:12,103
So be wary...
560
00:41:12,177 --> 00:41:16,546
of very scary hairy Larry.
561
00:41:16,615 --> 00:41:18,810
- Exactly. Yeah.
- Be wary.
562
00:41:21,620 --> 00:41:22,609
Stop!
563
00:41:25,724 --> 00:41:27,385
Stop that!
564
00:41:46,845 --> 00:41:48,312
No!
565
00:42:08,634 --> 00:42:10,431
What's up, bro?
566
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:17,770
- Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning.
- Shut up!
567
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,243
By the following morning,
we had forgotten about Scary Larry.
568
00:42:24,316 --> 00:42:28,582
I think I found the source
of your foul, mysterious odor.
569
00:42:40,032 --> 00:42:43,695
My sausage and pepperoni
with extra cheese and double anchovy.
570
00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:46,761
I been looking for this.
571
00:43:00,953 --> 00:43:03,012
We never heard from Larry
ever again...
572
00:43:03,088 --> 00:43:04,851
but not two weeks later...
573
00:43:04,923 --> 00:43:07,824
Stuart told us about a slice of hair pie
he'd been trying to get a bite of.
574
00:43:07,893 --> 00:43:10,191
Hip to the lingo,
we knew this meant he'd met a girl...
575
00:43:10,262 --> 00:43:12,253
and was trying
to get her into bed.
576
00:43:16,301 --> 00:43:18,701
How come you never say anything?
577
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,871
I'm shy.
578
00:43:30,349 --> 00:43:31,941
How come...
579
00:43:33,685 --> 00:43:36,654
How come you never introduce me
to any of your friends?
580
00:43:40,025 --> 00:43:42,186
You want to meet my friends?
581
00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:46,597
So the nuns says to the mechanic...
582
00:43:46,665 --> 00:43:50,624
"No, but if you give me a lube job,
I'll throw you some Hail Marys."
583
00:43:54,273 --> 00:43:56,673
I went to Catholic school...
584
00:43:56,742 --> 00:43:58,937
and all my teachers were nuns.
585
00:44:00,746 --> 00:44:03,476
- I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- No, l...
586
00:44:04,316 --> 00:44:06,443
You didn't, like,
offend me or anything...
587
00:44:07,519 --> 00:44:11,250
but I remember something
that happened with the nuns once.
588
00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:17,228
Well, we took
this field trip once...
589
00:44:17,296 --> 00:44:21,858
and we were on this school bus
that was, like, really old.
590
00:44:21,934 --> 00:44:24,960
So all of a sudden
it just broke down...
591
00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:29,497
and we all got out,
and we waited...
592
00:44:29,575 --> 00:44:33,011
and some of us
started wandering off.
593
00:44:33,078 --> 00:44:35,069
And we came to this path...
594
00:44:35,147 --> 00:44:39,049
that led to this huge,
like, meadow...
595
00:44:39,117 --> 00:44:41,847
that was really pretty.
596
00:44:47,793 --> 00:44:49,658
Then what happened?
597
00:44:52,130 --> 00:44:55,122
Well, it was just
a really pretty meadow.
598
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:01,566
That's neat.
599
00:45:05,010 --> 00:45:06,807
Will you excuse me?
600
00:45:06,878 --> 00:45:09,642
I have to go use
the ladies room.
601
00:45:14,686 --> 00:45:16,278
She's so sweet.
602
00:45:16,355 --> 00:45:18,289
Will you kick this
into my forehead, please?
603
00:45:18,357 --> 00:45:19,984
Shut up, all right?
604
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:23,455
I like being around her.
When I'm around her I feel intellectual.
605
00:45:23,528 --> 00:45:25,189
All things being relative.
606
00:45:25,264 --> 00:45:27,095
Besides that she's got
a really great set of titties.
607
00:45:27,165 --> 00:45:30,225
- No, she doesn't.
- She does. I told her the other night.
608
00:45:30,302 --> 00:45:33,601
- I said, "You have great tits."
- And good, like, grammar, like, too.
609
00:45:33,672 --> 00:45:35,731
Like, great storytelling.
610
00:45:35,807 --> 00:45:39,004
- She's so sweet.
- She's so sweet.
611
00:45:40,812 --> 00:45:42,803
I was out to dinner with her
the other night...
612
00:45:42,881 --> 00:45:45,349
and I asked her
if she liked Scorsese...
613
00:45:45,417 --> 00:45:48,716
and she said,
"Well, I'm really not that hungry."
614
00:45:52,691 --> 00:45:55,421
We were efficient
at eliminating outsiders.
615
00:45:55,494 --> 00:45:58,429
It seemed the whole world had been
divided into two categories...
616
00:45:58,497 --> 00:46:01,330
those who got the joke,
and those who didn't.
617
00:46:03,402 --> 00:46:05,870
We were the only ones
who got the joke.
618
00:46:05,937 --> 00:46:07,700
I like her.
619
00:46:11,410 --> 00:46:13,503
I think I was
especially stricken.
620
00:46:13,578 --> 00:46:15,569
I thought that if Stuart and Alex
could have been...
621
00:46:15,647 --> 00:46:18,172
genetically merged
into one person...
622
00:46:18,250 --> 00:46:20,275
he or she would have been
the love of my life.
623
00:46:20,352 --> 00:46:21,341
I think not.
624
00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:25,290
I promise you'll enjoy yourself.
Just slowly down...
625
00:46:25,357 --> 00:46:27,587
- Just for a second.
- I don't want to!
626
00:46:29,895 --> 00:46:32,193
Please, just for a second.
627
00:46:32,264 --> 00:46:34,129
Right there.
628
00:46:38,170 --> 00:46:40,661
Okay. All right, stop.
Okay. I understand.
629
00:46:40,739 --> 00:46:44,436
Okay. That's enough. Stop it.
Let go!
630
00:46:52,317 --> 00:46:55,809
Come on, now. This is very serious.
Who else can we think of?
631
00:46:55,887 --> 00:46:58,515
Instead, I had to contend
with their matchmaking notions.
632
00:46:58,590 --> 00:47:01,423
I got it. What about that teacher
of yours in your film class?
633
00:47:01,493 --> 00:47:03,791
You said he was
giving you the evil eye, right?
634
00:47:03,862 --> 00:47:06,262
Stuart, he's 47 years old.
635
00:47:06,331 --> 00:47:07,958
So?
636
00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:11,127
So I don't need to be fixed up,
all right? Let's just drop this.
637
00:47:11,203 --> 00:47:13,728
Yes, you do.
The question is with who.
638
00:47:13,805 --> 00:47:15,432
"With whom."
639
00:47:16,274 --> 00:47:18,834
I still think it's a job
for a young woman.
640
00:47:18,910 --> 00:47:20,810
He doesn't need pussy.
641
00:47:20,879 --> 00:47:24,246
He needs dick.
Big, hard dick.
642
00:47:25,050 --> 00:47:26,642
Good-bye.
643
00:47:26,718 --> 00:47:30,415
If you're so hot on the idea,
why don't you have sex with him?
644
00:47:31,757 --> 00:47:33,588
Taste of semen makes me gag.
645
00:47:34,993 --> 00:47:37,587
How would you know?
Whose semen were you eating?
646
00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:40,024
My own.
647
00:47:50,175 --> 00:47:52,166
So I see you got "leid," Edward.
648
00:47:54,379 --> 00:47:55,846
What?
649
00:48:00,318 --> 00:48:01,910
Right. Yeah.
650
00:48:02,954 --> 00:48:05,923
That's a good one, Richard.
651
00:48:11,730 --> 00:48:14,062
Front desk dick.
652
00:48:18,069 --> 00:48:19,502
What's up?
653
00:48:19,571 --> 00:48:21,266
Come in, Eddy.
654
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:26,968
I want you
to say hello to Richard.
655
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:30,805
- "Hello to Richard."
- Hello, Edward.
656
00:48:33,351 --> 00:48:35,182
Will you excuse me?
657
00:48:37,889 --> 00:48:39,686
See ya later.
658
00:48:52,771 --> 00:48:54,762
This is really awkward for me.
659
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:56,273
What is?
660
00:48:56,341 --> 00:49:01,836
Well, when Alex told me what you said,
I was sort of taken aback at first...
661
00:49:01,913 --> 00:49:05,144
but then I realized...
662
00:49:05,217 --> 00:49:08,812
that I have always
felt similarly toward you.
663
00:49:08,887 --> 00:49:11,048
What exactly did she say?
664
00:49:12,157 --> 00:49:14,955
Well, you know,
that you like me...
665
00:49:15,660 --> 00:49:18,220
but that you were too shy
to say anything.
666
00:49:18,296 --> 00:49:22,756
It's funny, you know. I have always
been attracted to shy people.
667
00:49:25,036 --> 00:49:28,164
Maybe it's because
I'm pretty shy myself.
668
00:49:34,913 --> 00:49:36,972
You seem really nervous.
669
00:49:39,284 --> 00:49:41,752
Maybe this is a mistake.
670
00:49:41,820 --> 00:49:44,414
- No, I'm rushing things. Aren't I?
- No, but...
671
00:49:44,489 --> 00:49:47,014
Look, I've thought you were cute
since you moved in, and l...
672
00:49:47,092 --> 00:49:48,457
Really?
673
00:49:52,097 --> 00:49:54,531
Maybe this'll help you relax.
674
00:49:57,469 --> 00:49:59,460
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's my fault.
675
00:50:02,807 --> 00:50:04,297
Damn it!
676
00:50:13,818 --> 00:50:15,809
Wait a minute!
Where you going?
677
00:50:17,355 --> 00:50:20,347
Listen to me.
I know what I'm talking about.
678
00:50:20,425 --> 00:50:22,325
If you don't get sex pretty soon...
679
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:27,127
what'll happen is your dick will just
get smaller and smaller and smaller...
680
00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:29,962
until eventually it'll just shrivel up,
go up inside your body...
681
00:50:30,035 --> 00:50:31,764
and then what do you have?
682
00:50:31,836 --> 00:50:33,827
- A vagina.
- Shut up.
683
00:50:35,740 --> 00:50:37,298
We're sorry.
684
00:50:38,376 --> 00:50:42,813
We'll never meddle in your sex life,
or lack thereof, ever again.
685
00:50:42,881 --> 00:50:45,111
What'd he do,
try to grab your nuts?
686
00:50:45,183 --> 00:50:46,707
No.
687
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:50,751
He tried to kiss me.
688
00:50:53,158 --> 00:50:55,683
I could see his nose hairs.
689
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:58,092
His breath was really bad too.
690
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:02,533
Smelled like kitty litter.
691
00:51:10,108 --> 00:51:12,269
It did. I swear to God.
692
00:52:43,568 --> 00:52:45,502
Here it is.
693
00:52:48,573 --> 00:52:52,168
It's great. Too bad we didn't
bring bathing suits, huh?
694
00:52:52,243 --> 00:52:54,108
Don't be an old fart.
695
00:53:25,210 --> 00:53:27,269
Feels good.
696
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:37,054
Come on in!
697
00:53:38,223 --> 00:53:40,282
Hurry up!
698
00:53:56,708 --> 00:53:58,369
Come on!
699
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,707
- No.
- Come on, Eddy.
700
00:54:00,779 --> 00:54:04,909
No. It's cold.
It's very cold out here. I'm freezing.
701
00:54:04,983 --> 00:54:07,884
- How come you're sweating?
- It's cold sweat.
702
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,713
Please?
703
00:54:16,094 --> 00:54:17,755
Come on!
704
00:54:21,866 --> 00:54:23,800
No one's looking.
705
00:54:28,339 --> 00:54:30,807
Come on.
It feels good on your balls.
706
00:54:30,875 --> 00:54:32,934
That's nice, Stuart.
That's very nice.
707
00:54:43,354 --> 00:54:46,187
Look, the moon's showing.
708
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:50,751
It's really cold!
709
00:54:50,829 --> 00:54:52,956
I'm grabbing the rock.
I'm gonna drown.
710
00:56:03,001 --> 00:56:04,992
I want everyone to stay
with their fun buddy.
711
00:56:05,069 --> 00:56:07,401
Nobody leaves
their fun buddy, okay?
712
00:56:07,472 --> 00:56:09,133
Hey, look!
713
00:56:09,941 --> 00:56:11,704
Oh, no.
714
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:17,374
Let's go.
Terry, Mary, let's go.
715
00:56:19,350 --> 00:56:20,817
This way.
716
00:56:22,553 --> 00:56:24,953
Alex said that the priest
symbolized God...
717
00:56:25,023 --> 00:56:27,048
the children, lost innocence...
718
00:56:27,125 --> 00:56:30,151
and the three of us,
a postmodern Eve with two Adams...
719
00:56:30,228 --> 00:56:32,162
banished from the sacred garden...
720
00:56:32,230 --> 00:56:35,063
to wander in the wilderness for eternity
because we had sinned.
721
00:56:35,133 --> 00:56:38,967
We had acknowledged our own nakedness
and partaken of the forbidden fruit.
722
00:56:42,273 --> 00:56:46,972
Though it amounted to only a kiss...
a touch... it changed everything.
723
00:56:48,980 --> 00:56:51,949
Pandora's proverbial box
had been opened...
724
00:56:52,016 --> 00:56:54,109
but, more interestingly...
725
00:56:54,185 --> 00:56:57,382
I'm not sure any of us
wanted it closed again.
726
00:57:06,431 --> 00:57:07,989
Want some pizza?
727
00:57:09,067 --> 00:57:12,935
No. I'm fat.
728
00:57:14,272 --> 00:57:16,604
Alex, you're not fat.
You're skinny.
729
00:57:20,078 --> 00:57:21,978
I'm so fat.
730
00:57:26,451 --> 00:57:29,113
You know,
I've been giving it some thought.
731
00:57:30,188 --> 00:57:32,156
I think you are fat.
732
00:57:36,995 --> 00:57:39,225
Don't toy with my emotions.
733
00:57:45,003 --> 00:57:47,164
Come here.
734
00:57:47,238 --> 00:57:49,103
Comfort me.
735
00:57:49,173 --> 00:57:51,198
I've been so depressed.
736
00:57:51,275 --> 00:57:52,902
Me too.
737
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:57,337
We don't hang out
like we used to.
738
00:58:01,185 --> 00:58:03,176
Let's comfort each other.
739
00:58:04,188 --> 00:58:06,247
Put your head on my breast.
740
00:58:10,194 --> 00:58:12,185
Is this a sex thing?
741
00:58:13,765 --> 00:58:17,428
Will you just be human for once?
Put your arms around me.
742
00:58:17,502 --> 00:58:19,163
And relax.
743
00:58:25,777 --> 00:58:27,677
What are you doing, Alex?
744
00:58:27,745 --> 00:58:30,612
I'm lovingly stroking your hair.
745
00:58:46,230 --> 00:58:49,165
You can't stand to be
alone with me, can you?
746
00:58:50,902 --> 00:58:53,666
You always want to have
Stuart along for the ride.
747
00:58:58,843 --> 00:59:02,370
- It's true, isn't it?
- Yeah, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
748
00:59:05,016 --> 00:59:07,177
You're afraid of women.
749
00:59:07,251 --> 00:59:08,912
You hate women.
750
00:59:08,986 --> 00:59:10,851
Why do you hate women?
751
00:59:10,922 --> 00:59:12,184
Just stop it.
752
00:59:13,257 --> 00:59:15,248
Stop it, all right?
I don't hate women.
753
00:59:15,326 --> 00:59:17,988
I don't understand why we can't just
sit here without touching each other.
754
00:59:18,062 --> 00:59:19,654
What's wrong with touching?
755
00:59:19,730 --> 00:59:22,164
You don't try to touch
Stuart all the time, do you?
756
00:59:22,233 --> 00:59:24,861
The only reason you touch me is because
you know I don't like to be touched.
757
00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:25,868
What?
758
00:59:25,937 --> 00:59:29,031
The only reason you're attracted to me
is you know I'm not attracted back.
759
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:31,200
- That's not true!
- It is true.
760
00:59:31,275 --> 00:59:33,539
You're looking
for a self-destructive situation.
761
00:59:33,611 --> 00:59:35,841
You are a rejection junky,
plain and simple.
762
00:59:35,913 --> 00:59:39,576
What about you? You're the one who's
always drooling all over your roommate!
763
00:59:39,650 --> 00:59:42,881
- Talk about self-destructive!
- I don't drool over him!
764
00:59:42,954 --> 00:59:44,945
Liar!
You know what your problem is?
765
00:59:45,022 --> 00:59:47,889
You're secretly attracted to women,
and you're afraid to admit it!
766
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:49,756
You're a closet heterosexual!
767
00:59:50,495 --> 00:59:52,326
- I am not.
- Are too.
768
00:59:55,466 --> 00:59:58,594
- Bitch.
- Heterosexual!
769
01:00:01,239 --> 01:00:03,104
Haagen Dazs and brewskies.
770
01:00:03,174 --> 01:00:05,472
Come on, man, we can
make beer floats again.
771
01:00:18,689 --> 01:00:21,283
What the hell was
going on in here?
772
01:00:21,359 --> 01:00:22,849
I hate him!
773
01:00:22,927 --> 01:00:24,758
I do too. So what?
774
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:28,890
Oh, I'm so sick of this shit!
775
01:00:28,966 --> 01:00:31,992
I'm so sick of it!
It's not normal!
776
01:00:32,069 --> 01:00:36,267
It's not normal,
the three of us living together!
777
01:00:36,340 --> 01:00:41,403
I'm sick of falling in love with guys
who don't give a fuck about me!
778
01:00:41,479 --> 01:00:44,505
I'm not normal!
I need help!
779
01:00:44,582 --> 01:00:47,346
I need medication!
780
01:00:47,418 --> 01:00:50,353
I need money!
Oh, God!
781
01:00:51,455 --> 01:00:55,050
I need a facial!
I need to go on a diet!
782
01:00:55,126 --> 01:00:57,492
I need new shoes!
783
01:01:00,131 --> 01:01:03,828
Oh, God!
Just do something.
784
01:01:26,991 --> 01:01:28,925
Wait, wait, wait!
785
01:01:34,298 --> 01:01:35,959
Here, put it on.
786
01:01:37,401 --> 01:01:39,369
Okay. Okay.
787
01:02:13,838 --> 01:02:15,772
Don't tell Eddy.
788
01:02:31,889 --> 01:02:34,084
It's me. Are you asleep?
789
01:02:35,926 --> 01:02:38,724
Just want to say I'm sorry.
790
01:02:38,796 --> 01:02:39,728
It's okay.
791
01:02:39,797 --> 01:02:41,788
I shouldn't have said any of it.
792
01:02:44,669 --> 01:02:46,603
I'm glad you called.
793
01:02:48,105 --> 01:02:50,630
I was dreaming about you.
794
01:02:52,243 --> 01:02:54,177
You were my mailman.
795
01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:59,846
And you wore those
cute little mailman shorts.
796
01:03:02,353 --> 01:03:05,880
Kept delivering me things
from the Home Shopping Network.
797
01:03:05,956 --> 01:03:09,517
Yeah, yeah. We'll have to
analyze that someday.
798
01:03:13,030 --> 01:03:14,292
Where are you?
799
01:03:14,365 --> 01:03:17,061
I'm just waiting for
my French Cinema class to start.
800
01:03:19,503 --> 01:03:21,698
I was just thinking
about women and men.
801
01:03:22,873 --> 01:03:24,340
Oh, yeah?
802
01:03:26,477 --> 01:03:29,071
I think you were right
about me being afraid of women.
803
01:03:31,115 --> 01:03:34,983
All men are afraid of women because
they're inherently better creatures.
804
01:03:36,921 --> 01:03:39,947
They can bear children,
they can nurse them.
805
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:44,085
They have an infinitely higher capacity
to be compassionate.
806
01:03:44,161 --> 01:03:47,221
It's like they're
a different species.
807
01:03:47,298 --> 01:03:50,392
You were just sitting there
thinking about this?
808
01:03:50,468 --> 01:03:52,163
Yeah. It's dumb, I know.
809
01:03:55,106 --> 01:03:57,165
No, it's not.
810
01:03:57,241 --> 01:04:01,678
I feel like I understand women more.
They're more inclusive and open.
811
01:04:01,746 --> 01:04:04,647
With men, there's always a feeling
that everything's a competition.
812
01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:05,875
They're so guarded.
813
01:04:05,950 --> 01:04:07,383
Defensive.
814
01:04:10,554 --> 01:04:13,489
Well, I just never feel
competitive with you.
815
01:04:14,558 --> 01:04:15,718
I feel collaborative.
816
01:04:17,094 --> 01:04:18,686
That's the wrong word.
817
01:04:21,065 --> 01:04:22,157
Symbiotic.
818
01:04:22,233 --> 01:04:26,101
Symbiotic.
That's a good word.
819
01:04:26,170 --> 01:04:28,263
That's a really good word.
820
01:04:29,206 --> 01:04:31,538
Listen.
I gotta get to my class.
821
01:04:31,609 --> 01:04:34,737
Wait, Eddy.
Before you go...
822
01:04:34,812 --> 01:04:38,873
will you say some other words,
some really, really big words?
823
01:04:41,852 --> 01:04:43,911
Symbiotic.
824
01:04:43,988 --> 01:04:47,515
Symbiosis.
825
01:04:47,591 --> 01:04:49,183
Profligate.
826
01:04:50,628 --> 01:04:53,620
Sepulchre.
827
01:04:53,697 --> 01:04:56,029
Prevaricate.
Oh, wait, wait.
828
01:04:56,100 --> 01:04:59,194
I got a good one,
I got a good one. Concupiscence.
829
01:04:59,270 --> 01:05:01,363
Concupiscence?
830
01:05:01,439 --> 01:05:04,806
That's a good one!
That's a really good one!
831
01:05:04,875 --> 01:05:08,504
I gotta go.
I'm really glad we had this talk.
832
01:05:08,579 --> 01:05:10,012
Bye.
833
01:05:17,021 --> 01:05:20,184
Oh, God!
What does "concupiscence" mean?
834
01:05:27,865 --> 01:05:29,799
Beats the shit outta me.
835
01:05:34,772 --> 01:05:36,205
Get out.
836
01:05:37,374 --> 01:05:39,842
Get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
837
01:05:51,522 --> 01:05:55,515
I was beginning to realize that
I had something special in Alex.
838
01:05:55,593 --> 01:05:58,585
Here was a woman who was willing
to do anything to have sex with me.
839
01:06:00,164 --> 01:06:03,600
Suddenly something
very interesting happened.
840
01:06:03,667 --> 01:06:06,795
I seemed to actually
will myself into action.
841
01:06:17,248 --> 01:06:19,842
Was a whole new world
opening up to me?
842
01:06:26,590 --> 01:06:28,854
I was having another dream.
843
01:06:31,295 --> 01:06:33,422
I was in a desert...
844
01:06:33,497 --> 01:06:37,297
and I had on this fur bikini...
845
01:06:38,502 --> 01:06:40,402
like Raquel Welch.
846
01:06:40,471 --> 01:06:43,406
And you were there...
847
01:06:43,474 --> 01:06:53,179
as a butcher,
and you had all these sausages.
848
01:06:53,250 --> 01:06:56,117
I must still be dreaming.
849
01:06:56,186 --> 01:06:58,051
No?
850
01:06:58,122 --> 01:06:59,987
This is happening?
851
01:07:00,057 --> 01:07:01,820
This is happening.
852
01:07:13,437 --> 01:07:15,371
Is that how it's supposed to go?
853
01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:19,108
- It was perfect.
- Good.
854
01:07:20,177 --> 01:07:22,372
I'm really glad we did this.
855
01:07:22,446 --> 01:07:23,879
Me too.
856
01:07:25,549 --> 01:07:28,279
That part when my, you know...
857
01:07:28,352 --> 01:07:31,014
was in with your thing and...
858
01:07:31,088 --> 01:07:33,818
- That was good?
- It was great.
859
01:07:33,891 --> 01:07:35,324
Good.
860
01:07:40,631 --> 01:07:44,226
Maybe this should just be
our little secret.
861
01:07:49,340 --> 01:07:51,934
- So?
- So? So what?
862
01:07:53,377 --> 01:07:55,470
So I had sex with a woman.
863
01:07:56,513 --> 01:07:59,482
- What?
- But it wasn't very good, though.
864
01:08:00,751 --> 01:08:04,710
- What woman did you have sex with?
- This girl in my French Cinema class.
865
01:08:04,788 --> 01:08:06,756
Well, fuckin' a, bro!
866
01:08:06,824 --> 01:08:08,985
Yeah, but I didn't
really enjoy it.
867
01:08:09,860 --> 01:08:12,829
You have to change your whole outlook
on this subject matter.
868
01:08:12,896 --> 01:08:16,798
For me, sex, it's like pizza. Even
if it's bad, it's still pretty good.
869
01:08:16,867 --> 01:08:20,030
Okay, fine, whatever.
Just do me a favor. Don't tell Alex.
870
01:08:20,104 --> 01:08:22,470
- Why?
- If she finds out I had sex...
871
01:08:22,539 --> 01:08:25,372
albeit mediocre sex with someone
other than her, she'll get jealous.
872
01:08:25,442 --> 01:08:28,570
Don't worry about that.
This is beautiful!
873
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,238
All you need is a couple more tries.
874
01:08:30,314 --> 01:08:33,147
Before you know it,
you'll be rockin' and rollin'.
875
01:08:33,217 --> 01:08:36,311
The first time you have sex, you're so
flipped out you're actually doing it...
876
01:08:36,387 --> 01:08:39,083
you can't tell whether
you're enjoying it or not.
877
01:08:39,156 --> 01:08:42,717
Come on, man!
God has given you a penis...
878
01:08:42,793 --> 01:08:46,422
and that penis
is meant for fucking.
879
01:08:46,497 --> 01:08:49,295
Ever hear the expression, "The little
head thinking for the big head?"
880
01:08:49,366 --> 01:08:52,233
I live by that. Trust me.
It's a beautiful way to live.
881
01:08:52,302 --> 01:08:55,635
Don't worry about practicing
with somebody alive. I'll get you...
882
01:08:55,706 --> 01:08:58,106
"a blow me up, suck me off,
fuck me" doll.
883
01:08:58,175 --> 01:08:59,972
It'll suck your dick.
884
01:09:00,044 --> 01:09:02,478
You can fuck the shit out of it.
It'll be a beautiful thing.
885
01:09:02,546 --> 01:09:06,482
As Stuart ranted and raved,
something very shocking occurred to me.
886
01:09:06,550 --> 01:09:09,110
I'd always sensed something
strange about Stuart's behavior...
887
01:09:09,186 --> 01:09:12,280
something that set him apart
from your average straight guy.
888
01:09:12,356 --> 01:09:16,315
Could it be that what I'd been looking
for was right under my nose all along?
889
01:09:16,393 --> 01:09:18,657
Could Stuart be a homo?
890
01:09:19,863 --> 01:09:22,661
- Are you with me on this or what?
- Absolutely.
891
01:09:25,302 --> 01:09:27,862
- I know something that you don't.
- What?
892
01:09:29,073 --> 01:09:31,871
I'm not supposed to say...
893
01:09:31,942 --> 01:09:34,001
but I think that Eddy
slept with a girl.
894
01:09:36,046 --> 01:09:38,981
- Who?
- He won't say...
895
01:09:40,050 --> 01:09:42,575
but I think it's some chick
from his French Cinema class.
896
01:09:43,654 --> 01:09:45,087
That's nice.
897
01:09:45,155 --> 01:09:47,783
- You want me to come scrub your back?
- Sure.
898
01:09:54,598 --> 01:09:56,532
He thought you'd be jealous.
899
01:09:56,600 --> 01:09:58,033
I can handle it.
900
01:09:59,803 --> 01:10:03,466
There's really nothing to be jealous
about because he said it was lousy.
901
01:10:04,742 --> 01:10:07,540
- What was?
- The sex.
902
01:10:10,180 --> 01:10:12,512
He said that she was
a lousy lay.
903
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:14,710
There's nothing worse
than a lousy lay.
904
01:10:14,785 --> 01:10:18,346
I remember this girl
from high school, Monica Bryson.
905
01:10:20,190 --> 01:10:22,283
She was like...
906
01:10:22,359 --> 01:10:24,554
like a piece of fish loaf.
907
01:10:24,628 --> 01:10:27,392
I mean she was really
un-fuckin'-believably bad.
908
01:10:27,464 --> 01:10:31,867
I think that I'd rather have a dog fart
in my face than be with her again.
909
01:10:33,403 --> 01:10:35,462
Ow! You're hurting me.
910
01:10:36,373 --> 01:10:39,035
- With this?
- Yes!
911
01:10:39,109 --> 01:10:42,545
I think you're upset because
I called her a piece of fish loaf.
912
01:10:42,613 --> 01:10:44,046
I apologize.
913
01:10:45,115 --> 01:10:47,811
Perhaps I should've said
she was a skanky, fishy bitch wad.
914
01:10:47,885 --> 01:10:51,412
Just get out!
Just get out! Get out!
915
01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:02,061
So I was a lousy lay, huh?
916
01:11:03,567 --> 01:11:05,626
What did you say?
917
01:11:05,702 --> 01:11:09,399
Never mind! You weren't supposed
to say anything. It was a secret!
918
01:11:11,708 --> 01:11:15,667
I didn't tell him it was you.
Besides, it wasn't lousy.
919
01:11:15,746 --> 01:11:17,179
It was pretty good, considering...
920
01:11:17,247 --> 01:11:19,738
- Considering what?
- Considering that you're a girl!
921
01:11:22,119 --> 01:11:24,485
I shouldn't have.
922
01:11:24,555 --> 01:11:26,489
I mean, I don't know.
923
01:11:26,557 --> 01:11:28,650
I don't know what the hell I know.
924
01:11:29,726 --> 01:11:31,660
I felt like an impostor.
925
01:11:37,034 --> 01:11:38,968
I am so confused.
926
01:11:44,007 --> 01:11:47,067
It's okay. It was fine.
927
01:11:47,144 --> 01:11:48,975
We just need to practice.
928
01:11:49,046 --> 01:11:53,142
I don't think I can. Anyway,
I think I figured out something.
929
01:11:53,217 --> 01:11:54,548
What?
930
01:11:54,618 --> 01:11:55,880
Come on now.
931
01:11:56,954 --> 01:11:58,888
I think Stu is...
932
01:11:58,956 --> 01:12:01,015
What?
933
01:12:01,091 --> 01:12:04,788
I think he likes boys more than he likes
girls. He's just afraid to admit it.
934
01:12:07,831 --> 01:12:10,061
Think about it.
It makes total sense.
935
01:12:10,133 --> 01:12:14,194
He's obsessed with male genitalia. All
he does is talk about cocks and fucking.
936
01:12:14,271 --> 01:12:17,365
He's a complete misogynist.
Women are just objects to him.
937
01:12:17,441 --> 01:12:20,171
He's a total narcissist.
He has intense self-body worship.
938
01:12:20,244 --> 01:12:22,769
He has an absent father, a domineering
mother. And if that's not enough...
939
01:12:22,846 --> 01:12:25,280
he knows all the lyrics
to Oklahoma and The Music Man.
940
01:12:25,349 --> 01:12:28,341
He's a classic closet case.
I know, it's crazy, right?
941
01:12:28,418 --> 01:12:32,218
We don't see what we don't want to see,
but I don't think he knows.
942
01:12:32,289 --> 01:12:35,190
- I'm going to help him find out.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
943
01:12:40,097 --> 01:12:42,292
How much did that bottle cost you?
944
01:12:42,366 --> 01:12:43,663
Money is no object...
945
01:12:43,734 --> 01:12:47,261
when it comes to getting
totally shit-faced.
946
01:13:01,218 --> 01:13:03,550
- Shh. Shh.
- What?
947
01:13:03,620 --> 01:13:05,679
- Wait a minute.
- What do you hear?
948
01:13:06,757 --> 01:13:08,088
What?
949
01:13:08,158 --> 01:13:10,649
How did we get on the ceiling?
950
01:13:10,727 --> 01:13:13,662
- Uh-oh.
- How did we get on the ceiling?
951
01:13:13,730 --> 01:13:16,198
Did you pay
the gravity bill this morning?
952
01:13:20,537 --> 01:13:22,596
I forgot!
953
01:13:25,175 --> 01:13:26,802
I'm sorry.
954
01:13:28,712 --> 01:13:30,703
It's okay.
955
01:13:30,781 --> 01:13:35,616
It's no problem. I forgive you. Let's
just get back on the floor 'cause...
956
01:13:39,790 --> 01:13:42,691
- What?
- We're going back on the floor.
957
01:13:42,759 --> 01:13:45,455
- Fasten your seat belt.
- Look out, floor!
958
01:13:45,529 --> 01:13:47,224
Back on the floor.
959
01:13:47,297 --> 01:13:49,424
Are you seeing anything?
960
01:13:51,735 --> 01:13:53,464
I told you so.
961
01:13:53,537 --> 01:13:57,029
- Don't. You're gonna ruin everything.
- Look at that.
962
01:13:58,442 --> 01:13:59,807
He's wrong for you!
963
01:14:01,745 --> 01:14:05,203
What are they doing?
Oh, my God!
964
01:14:06,416 --> 01:14:09,214
It's like a devil worship thing.
965
01:14:11,088 --> 01:14:12,680
It's not working.
966
01:14:17,995 --> 01:14:19,929
I don't feel so good.
967
01:14:25,035 --> 01:14:26,593
God!
968
01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:28,604
I'm going to be sick.
969
01:14:33,443 --> 01:14:35,377
Just breathe easy.
970
01:14:51,495 --> 01:14:53,963
That feels good.
971
01:14:54,031 --> 01:14:55,965
- You okay?
- Yeah.
972
01:15:05,442 --> 01:15:07,034
Whoa, Eddy.
973
01:15:14,151 --> 01:15:15,743
You'll spoil it.
974
01:15:17,454 --> 01:15:19,615
Spoil what?
975
01:15:19,689 --> 01:15:21,281
The intimacy.
976
01:15:24,828 --> 01:15:26,261
Intimacy?
977
01:15:34,304 --> 01:15:37,171
Eddy, there's not
gonna be any intimacy.
978
01:15:38,842 --> 01:15:41,834
Okay. Just empty sex is fine.
979
01:15:44,848 --> 01:15:48,375
Eddy, are you okay?
Because you're pretty drunk.
980
01:15:48,452 --> 01:15:50,044
And so are you.
981
01:15:53,123 --> 01:15:55,091
I don't like guys, okay?
982
01:15:55,158 --> 01:15:57,353
Yes, you do.
983
01:15:57,427 --> 01:16:00,123
No, I don't.
984
01:16:03,767 --> 01:16:06,065
Stuart, you're
a classic closet case.
985
01:16:07,037 --> 01:16:08,868
Eddy, listen to me.
986
01:16:08,939 --> 01:16:12,841
You got all the telltale signs.
You got absent Oklahoma...
987
01:16:12,909 --> 01:16:14,900
Music Mother, the...
988
01:16:15,712 --> 01:16:17,304
I like girls.
989
01:16:19,015 --> 01:16:20,949
I like them a lot.
990
01:16:23,487 --> 01:16:24,818
I fuck them.
991
01:16:27,124 --> 01:16:30,560
No, see, you don't. You talk about
doin' it, but you don't do it.
992
01:16:30,627 --> 01:16:32,720
It's called denial. Right?
993
01:16:32,796 --> 01:16:35,993
I'm an expert at denial.
I can see that a mile away.
994
01:16:37,367 --> 01:16:39,665
So then how come
I'm fuckin' one right now?
995
01:16:42,005 --> 01:16:45,873
I see, you're fucking an imaginary girl,
right now. Is that it?
996
01:16:45,942 --> 01:16:48,467
You've got an imaginary girl?
997
01:16:51,615 --> 01:16:54,516
He's got an imaginary...
998
01:16:54,584 --> 01:16:57,576
It's just me and you here.
999
01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,058
Oh, no, she's not imaginary.
1000
01:17:04,761 --> 01:17:07,992
She's somebody
that you know quite well.
1001
01:17:08,064 --> 01:17:12,592
And every day that you skip off to your
little fuckin' French Cinema class...
1002
01:17:12,669 --> 01:17:14,660
we fuck like dogs...
1003
01:17:14,738 --> 01:17:17,502
and her name is Alex.
1004
01:17:37,561 --> 01:17:38,994
I see.
1005
01:17:42,532 --> 01:17:45,399
"I see," said the blind man.
1006
01:17:58,448 --> 01:18:00,006
Oh, shit.
1007
01:18:09,192 --> 01:18:10,591
Look out!
1008
01:18:11,828 --> 01:18:14,319
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Shit, he's bleeding.
1009
01:18:14,397 --> 01:18:15,955
Oh, my God.
1010
01:18:37,687 --> 01:18:41,214
And then I said that I didn't
like guys. He didn't believe me.
1011
01:18:41,291 --> 01:18:44,283
He said I was in denial.
I said, "I like girls."
1012
01:18:44,361 --> 01:18:46,693
He still didn't believe me.
That's when it just came out.
1013
01:18:46,763 --> 01:18:48,390
What?
1014
01:18:49,299 --> 01:18:50,561
That you and l...
1015
01:18:50,634 --> 01:18:52,363
- You know.
- What?
1016
01:18:52,435 --> 01:18:54,266
That we're fucking, okay?
1017
01:18:54,337 --> 01:18:55,736
You idiot!
1018
01:18:55,805 --> 01:18:57,432
- God!
- I was drunk.
1019
01:18:57,507 --> 01:18:59,236
He was touching me.
I freaked out.
1020
01:18:59,309 --> 01:19:02,870
- That's all I can do from here.
- I don't need any stitches?
1021
01:19:02,946 --> 01:19:04,914
Stitches are next semester.
1022
01:19:33,009 --> 01:19:36,069
In the morning, I went
to my film class as usual.
1023
01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:38,478
Prophetically enough,
they showed an old French film...
1024
01:19:38,548 --> 01:19:41,346
about two men and a woman
in a love triangle.
1025
01:19:41,418 --> 01:19:44,751
Both the men loved the same woman,
and it slowly made her go insane.
1026
01:19:45,955 --> 01:19:47,684
In the end, she killed herself
and one of the men...
1027
01:19:47,757 --> 01:19:49,918
by driving her car off
of a bridge.
1028
01:19:51,661 --> 01:19:53,720
I understood
the moral of the story...
1029
01:19:53,797 --> 01:19:56,527
two's company,
three's pathetic.
1030
01:19:57,600 --> 01:19:59,625
I knew what I had to do.
1031
01:20:10,780 --> 01:20:12,714
Still not funny.
1032
01:20:15,018 --> 01:20:17,145
He's moving out.
1033
01:20:17,220 --> 01:20:19,688
I don't want you to move out.
1034
01:20:19,756 --> 01:20:22,816
- Why not?
- I don't wanna be alone with him.
1035
01:20:29,199 --> 01:20:31,133
I'll move out then.
1036
01:20:32,802 --> 01:20:34,702
Okay.
1037
01:20:34,771 --> 01:20:36,568
Fuck you.
1038
01:20:36,639 --> 01:20:37,970
You wish.
1039
01:20:41,878 --> 01:20:43,470
Fuck both of you.
1040
01:20:45,982 --> 01:20:47,415
You wish.
1041
01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:54,656
Don't you?
1042
01:23:36,052 --> 01:23:37,644
I'm pregnant.
1043
01:23:43,660 --> 01:23:45,093
I think.
1044
01:23:46,396 --> 01:23:50,526
"Within two minutes, the white tab
on the plastic stick may change color.
1045
01:23:50,600 --> 01:23:54,866
If the white tab remains white,
the test is negative.
1046
01:23:54,938 --> 01:23:58,396
If the tab turns pale blue,
the test is positive."
1047
01:23:58,474 --> 01:24:01,966
If the tab turns pink, you
have been impregnated by a homosexual.
1048
01:24:08,418 --> 01:24:10,010
Nothing's happening.
1049
01:24:12,589 --> 01:24:15,581
- What do we do if it's positive?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
1050
01:24:15,658 --> 01:24:17,387
I mean...
1051
01:24:23,333 --> 01:24:24,925
I think I'm gonna be sick.
1052
01:24:34,177 --> 01:24:38,204
If I can just get through this part,
everything's gonna be fine.
1053
01:24:38,281 --> 01:24:41,250
I just want to get on
to the next part of my life.
1054
01:24:43,720 --> 01:24:45,187
This part sucks.
1055
01:24:45,254 --> 01:24:46,846
This part sucks?
1056
01:24:49,125 --> 01:24:50,558
How's that supposed
to make me feel?
1057
01:24:51,394 --> 01:24:54,227
Oh, Eddy, I'm nervous, okay?
1058
01:24:55,365 --> 01:24:57,458
I don't think that's it.
1059
01:24:57,533 --> 01:25:01,060
You two wanna get the hell out of here
and forget this ever happened!
1060
01:25:01,137 --> 01:25:03,196
Why haven't we been
hanging out lately?
1061
01:25:03,272 --> 01:25:06,901
How come we haven't talked
in the past couple of weeks, huh?
1062
01:25:06,976 --> 01:25:10,412
Maybe you guys can just walk away
and look for something else...
1063
01:25:10,480 --> 01:25:12,414
but it's not that easy for me.
1064
01:25:13,816 --> 01:25:17,343
Eddy, nobody's gettin' out easy.
1065
01:25:18,921 --> 01:25:19,853
Nobody.
1066
01:25:19,922 --> 01:25:21,719
You understand that?
1067
01:25:45,648 --> 01:25:47,240
Oh, my God.
1068
01:25:50,286 --> 01:25:52,447
Just prop your head up.
Stuart, come on.
1069
01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:54,683
Oh, Jesus.
1070
01:25:54,757 --> 01:25:56,816
What made this happen?
1071
01:25:56,893 --> 01:25:58,986
I was...
1072
01:25:59,062 --> 01:26:02,554
talking toJesus.
1073
01:26:02,632 --> 01:26:04,327
Did he sayJesus or Elvis?
1074
01:26:04,400 --> 01:26:05,765
Jesus.
1075
01:26:05,835 --> 01:26:08,201
He said I should cut my penis off...
1076
01:26:08,271 --> 01:26:10,296
Oh, God.
1077
01:26:10,373 --> 01:26:13,774
Because it was the cause
of all my problems.
1078
01:26:13,843 --> 01:26:18,280
Stuart, you don't have
to cut your pee-pee off.
1079
01:26:20,316 --> 01:26:22,682
You just can't let it
run your life.
1080
01:26:41,070 --> 01:26:43,561
Home free. No baby.
1081
01:26:55,284 --> 01:26:58,117
The semester and the year
would be over in three weeks...
1082
01:26:58,187 --> 01:27:00,314
whereupon Alex would move
to an apartment.
1083
01:27:06,262 --> 01:27:08,196
I'll call you guys later.
1084
01:27:19,809 --> 01:27:23,210
Stuart went home for the summer
and moved to another dorm in the fall.
1085
01:27:24,280 --> 01:27:28,080
I noticed that he never seemed quite the
same after that episode in the bathroom.
1086
01:27:48,871 --> 01:27:51,931
We all tried to keep in touch,
but you know how it is.
1087
01:27:53,176 --> 01:27:55,201
The next semester
I got a single...
1088
01:27:55,278 --> 01:27:57,439
a room all to myself.
1089
01:27:57,513 --> 01:28:00,539
Solitude brought out
the worst in me.
1090
01:28:00,616 --> 01:28:03,449
It gave me time to brood over
the nature of things.
1091
01:28:04,654 --> 01:28:09,421
I wondered how some people can be such a
necessary part of one's life one day...
1092
01:28:09,492 --> 01:28:11,585
and simply vanish the next.
1093
01:28:22,772 --> 01:28:25,036
Isn't it supposed to last?
1094
01:28:27,210 --> 01:28:29,474
We ran into each other
at graduation.
1095
01:28:31,480 --> 01:28:34,711
And we had lunch
about a year after that.
1096
01:28:34,784 --> 01:28:38,311
It was nice to see them,
but it wasn't like the old days.
1097
01:28:40,423 --> 01:28:45,122
Stuart ended up becoming monogamous
to a girl, if you can believe that.
1098
01:28:45,194 --> 01:28:47,628
In fact, I heard
they even got married.
1099
01:28:49,699 --> 01:28:52,532
Alex, on the other hand, enjoyed
staying single for a long time...
1100
01:28:52,602 --> 01:28:56,595
though she admitted to sometimes missing
the rejection from doomed relationships.
1101
01:28:56,672 --> 01:28:59,869
Whenever I talk to her, she always
manages to refer to my boyfriend as...
1102
01:28:59,942 --> 01:29:01,876
"the other woman."
1103
01:29:03,813 --> 01:29:06,646
My college experience
wasn't what I'd planned.
1104
01:29:06,716 --> 01:29:11,244
It bore no resemblance
to the pictures in the brochure.
1105
01:29:11,320 --> 01:29:13,811
But I'm not unhappy.
1106
01:29:13,890 --> 01:29:15,949
I don't think any of us are.
1107
01:29:16,726 --> 01:29:18,660
We got what we needed out of it.
1108
01:29:20,062 --> 01:29:23,964
It's kind of like when you go
on vacation. You plan everything out.
1109
01:29:26,269 --> 01:29:30,171
But then one day you make
a wrong turn or take a detour...
1110
01:29:30,239 --> 01:29:34,300
and you end up in some crazy place
you can't even find on the map...
1111
01:29:34,377 --> 01:29:36,675
doing something you never
thought you'd do.
1112
01:29:38,414 --> 01:29:41,440
Maybe you feel a little lost
while it's happening.
1113
01:29:42,952 --> 01:29:45,978
But later you realize it was
the best part of the whole trip.
1114
01:30:20,000 --> 01:30:24,000
Done by (c) dCd / July 2007
84104
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
