All language subtitles for The Million Dollar Duck 1971

Albert Dooley, the student
voted most likely to succeed

of the class of 1 959.

You lovely big success,
Albert.

Daddy.

Excuse me.
Yeah, what is it, son?

Here's a puppy
Eddie said he'd give me.

- He's a cute one.
- For only $50.

Fifty dollars?

- He has his own pedigree.
- He oughta have his own car.

l already picked out
a name for him... Charlie.

Yeah, that's fine,
but that's...

l mean, $50,
you know, it's...

Well, there are licences
and vets and shots and...

Think of all the food!

l'd share my food with him.

No, Jimmy. Small boys need
all the nourishment they can get.

You're not a small boy.
You could share your food.

Maybe next year,
okay, Jim?

l'll get a job. Rent my room, l'll sleep
in the garage with Charlie. Please.

l'm sorry, Jim.

l thought you and l
were pals.

We are pals, pal,
but...

Where am l
gonna get 50 bucks?

l can't even pay
these bills.

Here, Eddie.
Take him.

Pal?

''Cinnamon.''

A bit of cinnamon.

Where's the cinnamon?
l just...

Now, it's cinnamon.

''Mustard.''

Mustard.

''Curry powder.''

''Garlic.''

Garlic?

There must be a simpler way
to make apple sauce.

- Katie!
- Yes, dear?

That was Herman
and the Purple Cows.

We have to have another talk
about economising.

First guess what l'm cooking.
Three guesses.

- Later, okay?
- Try, plum pudding.

- Plum pudding.
- Wrong.

Try apple sauce.

Katie, we have to economise.

That's what l'm doing.

l'm making home-made apple sauce
with apples off our tree.

- That's fine.
- Taste it.

Tell me if you think
it's too...

..too ingredient.

That's good.

lt's really...
lt's really good.

You think you should've
peeled the apples first?

Oh, no, see, that's where
all your vitamins are.

And the seeds too?

Albert, you should know.
You're the scientist.

Now, there must
be someplace...

that we can cut down.

- This bill from the dress shop...
- l know where we can cut down.

- Where?
- Your lunch money.

What?

lt makes no sense
spending money...

when you have a wife who could
pack you a nice lunch.

Darling, that's too much bother
for you to go to every morning.

- To get up...
- Oh, pooh. What is a wife for?

lt's just a part
of our marriage vows.

To love and obey,
till death do us in.

Thank you, darling.

Don't tip your lunch.
The apple sauce is on top.

Bye, sweetie.

Daddy, Eddie says
this is my last chance.

- Your last chance for what, pal?
- For Charlie.

- Who?
- The puppy.

Don't bother your father with that now.
He's got little enough on his mind as it is.

Mr. Hooper next door,
he has a dog.

He can afford to feed it.
lt's a big one.

Mr. Hooper works for the US Treasury,
and they have our money.

He could afford a giraffe.

- Finley!
- Giraffe!

l wish this fool professor made enough
money so l could investigate him.

Mornin', Fred.

- Why not drop a bomb on us, Arvin?
- lt'd be quicker.

Don't blame us. lt was you old cats who
invented the internal combustion engine.

Peace.

You're a lawyer. Do
something about those Wadlow boys.

- Something legal, preferably.
- Did you say ''legal'' or ''lethal''?

Either way, l'll take the case.
l'll take any case.

- l need some rent money.
- You too?

Sometimes l wish l'd been born rich
instead of brilliant.

Mornin'.

Morning, group.

Velma.
Are you awake and ready?

Arnold, wake up.

You two behave yourselves today.
Clyde.

You ready for a big day?
Very good.

Mr. Duck.

Are you gonna shape up today?

For me?
Please?

Good.

lf you flunk any more of those tests,
you're gonna be a gone goose.

Another dropout performance
like yesterday,

you'll have Dr. Gottlieb
climbing the walls.

He takes a dim view
of any duck...

that doesn't know a yellow button
from a red one.

Be quiet.
What's the matter?

Good. You're eating
the apple sauce.

You like it?

l knew you were weird,
but that's ridiculous.

You must have got
your share too?

- l'll get you a bicarb of soda.
- Dooley!

- Professor Dooley.
- Dr. Gottlieb.

- What are you doing?
- l'm ready.

You realise how
far back you're putting the schedule?

- l'm sorry.
- What's the matter with the chimp?

He's nervous.

- Nervous?
- About the tests.

Well, get on with it.

- No duck!
- What?

- No duck.
- But the schedule calls...

- Revise it.
- Sir, l feel if we test him...

Do you know what the data is on the
learning potential test for that...

- Minus 1 1 .
- lt might be a slow learner.

- Slow?
- Yes, sir.

This duck could shed new light on the
rates of learning for various animals.

All right.
But it's his last chance!

Thank you, sir.

Last!

l understand.
You hear that?

You gotta shape up...

You got apple sauce all over
your face. Come here.

Took him ten seconds last time.

Let's see if he'll do better.

Excellent.

Well, Mr. Pig, what are you
gonna show us today?

Beautiful!

Superb.

No, Dooley. That duck couldn't
begin to handle these tests.

Over here.

This is the simplest device we've got.

The duck had 49 hours of practice on
this one, so it's time we see results.

Okay, duck, go for
the yellow button, the centre.

He's got it.

Get that stupid duck out of here!

Wait a minute. Just one more time.
Just one more time.

For what? He's useless,
completely unresponsive.

All right, fella, once more.
Yellow button, centre.

You don't give up.

- There he goes for the red button again.
- No, he's got it now.

At least he's reacting.

All right, get that misfit out of here.

You have to admit that's
an interesting reaction.

This duck is a fascinating creature.

What have we got here?
Gamma rays on what?

Testing some new
high-resistant silicone oils.

- Phenyl type?
- Yeah.

What is the integrated
threshold neutron flux?

- What do you mean by that?
- What?

Well, you said, ''Quack.''

l didn't say quack.

Holy cow!

Professor.
ls this one of your creatures?

- How did she get in there?
- You tell me.

You almost had fried duck.

Well...
is she okay?

Sure, no harm.
Just got a little jolt.

But would you please keep
your friends out of our department?

Yeah, okay.

Boy, you really
blew it today.

Only thing to do now is find you
a home for retired dropouts.

A duck?

Yeah, that's what it is.
A duck.

But l want a puppy.
l don't want a dumb old duck.

l didn't bring it home for a pet.

Then why'd you bring it?

lt was that or let
the janitor's wife fricassee it.

- lt was a washout at the lab.
- Wouldn't a puppy be as cheap to feed?

- We're not gonna keep it.
- He really had his heart set on a puppy.

Katie, now, we've been
through all of that.

l'm just trying to find a home
for this poor, stupid duck.

Maybe that farmer would take it, the one
that sells us those vegetables l can't afford.

- You mean Mr. Gilby?
- Yeah, l guess so.

You're mixed up.

Mr. Gilby is
the bakery truck man.

- Mr. Purdham is the vegetable man.
- Well, Purdham. Okay.

Give it to him.
lt'll have a good home on his farm.

- Probably eat better than we do.
- Hey, daddy!

l think he likes me.
Watch how he follows me.

Come on.

How would you like
a real great name?

You like that?

Maybe l can teach him
some tricks.

Him? Good luck.

l was just thinking.

Good for you.

Yeah, instead of giving that
duck to Mr. Purdham,

maybe Jimmy could
trade it in on a puppy.

- We settled all that.
- l know.

But it wouldn't cost you anything,
and it might help...

Never mind.
l shouldn't even mention it.

- Mention what?
- Oh, nothing.

l'm sure you'll solve it.

What?

The generation gap you're creating
between Jimmy over this puppy.

Honey, you know Jimmy and l have
a very good, close relationship.

Of course you do, Albert.

That's why l didn't
even mention it.

Help!

- He's gonna kill Charlie!
- What?

Get outta here!

- Leave that duck alone.
- Get out of my yard!

- That's our duck.
- Well, get him out of my pool.

Get your hands
off my skimmer!

- Charlie!
- Jimmy, be careful.

l got you now,
you duck-billed intruder!

Get your hands
off of my skimmer.

Attaboy, Charlie!

Get that bird off my slide!

- Stop that dog!
- Go, Charlie!

Bite him in the tail feathers.
Don't let him get away from you.

Come here, duck.

lf that dog lays a tooth on that duck...

Take your skimmer...

- Hooper, let go!
- You're gonna drown him!

Come here, duck!

l'll report you
to the SPClA.

Call your dog!

Get this duck out of the pool.
He's contaminating it.

Get your dirty shoes
out of my pool!

Why, you hit my husband!

Come here, Jimmy.
Take the duck.

Hurry.
Now hold on.

- Climb up the stairs.
- Come on! Albert, hurry.

- Come on!
- Go on!

Hurry before
the dog gets out.

Oh, sic 'em!

Go! Give 'em a good one.

Go get 'em, Duke.

Finley!

What are you doing in there
with your clothes on?

Can't leave you alone
for a minute.

Look, daddy.
Charlie laid an egg!

Why, Charlie,
you're a mama!

Twins!

Four eggs.
lsn't that something?

l don't see how she laid any eggs
with that beast barking at her.

lt was that beast
that caused her to do it.

Now, Albert, they hardly
know each other.

No, l mean...

l know what you mean. Don't
discuss it in front of our S-O-N.

We learned that stuff
in school anyway.

No. lt's a conditioned reflex,
you see?

When the dog barks,
the duck lays an egg.

lt happened once at the lab.

That's not the way my mother
explained it to me.

Anyway,
the important thing is...

the money we're gonna save
growing our eggs.

We're not eating
those eggs.

l mean, this duck,
it's strange.

No, it's an aberration,
a biological mutation.

lt is?

That's a chemically
mixed-up duck.

lt's even been
radiated and...

We're not eating those eggs.

Good. Then we'll hatch 'em.

ls that all right?
Hatching them?

No. They probably
wouldn't hatch anyway.

Only thing to do is bury 'em,
which l'll do after Jimmy goes to sleep.

- What the devil are you doing?
- Nothing.

Digging a hole
at midnight

in your pyjamas

is nothing?

You know,
l'm digging.

- For what?
- Night crawlers.

They certainly
lay big eggs.

Go to bed.

You're a nut.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, a research problem.

Come on.

Sit down.

- Well?
- Dr. Gottlieb, is it possible...

ln science,
anything is possible.

Yes, but could radiation alter
the molecular structure of a...

substance
from organic to inorganic?

So we're a radiobiologist now,
are we, Dooley?

Just a minute.

Yeah.

Try these for starters.

- All l wanted to know...
- The answer is yes.

- But what substance?
- Like an egg.

- What kind of an egg?
- Doesn't...

Chicken, turkey, duck.

- Please don't mention duck to me.
- Sorry.

Anyway, your experiment
has been done.

1 903.

lt was a young
medical student

at the Royal
Viennese Hospital.

His name was
Schultz or Schmaltz.

Here. Schwartz.

''ln searching
for a chemical background

for radiogenic inflammation
from radium,

Gottwald Schwartz exposed an egg
to becquerel rays.''

''Both the organic and inorganic
molecules suffered a change.''

''There was no change in
the white of the egg,

but there was conspicuous
change in the yolk.''

The yolk!
That's it!

l mean, that's...
quite interesting.

Didn't... change it
into any kind of

metal, did it?

Metal?

What do you want, Dooley,
gold?

Well, you said anything was possible.

Possible, yes.

But... making a golden egg?

That's for Aesop's Fables,
isn't it?

But gold has been made
synthetically, hasn't it?

Yes,
with nuclear bombardment,

but we know what that costs,
don't we?

- lt doesn't pay.
- No.

Excuse me.

l'll be right there.

Excuse me.

l have to go recheck
the lQ of the chimp.

Hundred and forty.
Higher than mine.

We've run quite a few tests
on that metal of yours.

Darndest thing we ever ran across.

- But is it...
- You won't believe this report.

- Well, it's wild.
- Then it's not...

Look here, Dooley. The metal contains
traces of D-galacturonic acid.

Now, isn't that wild?

You know what that is.
That's pectin.

Pectin?

Pectin that's been hydrolysed
under intense heat.

Pectin comes
from apple peelings.

Apple sauce.

No, it's true. And look,
it also has a trace of garlic in it.

l don't wanna hear any more.
As long as it's not gold.

lt's practically pure gold.

What?

But it has some of
the weirdest impurities in it.

One element
we can't identify,

not related to any of the 1 03
basic known chemical elements.

Mr. Dooley, you didn't get hold
of a moon rock, did you?

Moon rock? Me?
No.

l've never even been
out of California.

- Where'd you dig up this gold?
- Dig? l didn't dig.

- A placer deposit?
- Yes, it was deposited, you might say.

- Thank you very much.
- Wait a second.

- You want your report? You paid for it.
- Yes.

The report.
Thank you very much.

So this is an assayer's report.
So what?

That's why l need a lawyer,
to help me incorporate.

lncorporate what?

Fred, that sample
is the yolk of a duck egg.

Come on.

l know how incredible this must sound
to your legal mind,

but in 1 903
a Viennese scientist...

You ever read Aesop's Fables,
the one about the goose?

Should you be driving
in your condition?

l'm telling you, Fred, that fable
may be scientifically feasible.

- Pull over, Albert. l'll drive.
- Okay, sceptic.

l'm gonna show you one of those
gold eggs actually being laid.

Watch out!

You crazy,
ding-a-ling driver, Orlo!

l'm not even in the car.
That's Arvin. Bigot!

Now, you just lie there
and relax, Finley.

Forget all about that nasty,
old treasury office.

Thank you, dear.
You're a good person.

Come on, Fred.

l'll get the duck, make Hooper's dog
bark at it, and you'll see.

Would you please
go upstairs and talk to Jimmy?

Not now. l've got news.
Our financial worries are over.

Jimmy's broken-hearted
because l was....

You're not listening. We're gonna be
rich beyond our wildest dreams.

Oh, l always knew
you'd make good,

even when Papa kept saying,
''Don't marry that no-good, lazy...''

lt's nothing l did.
lt's Charlie.

Remember those eggs
l was gonna bury?

Brace yourself.
They're gold.

Well, don't look that way.
l'm not kidding you.

- lt's true.
- Albert, l believe you.

- What's the matter?
- l gave the duck to Mr. Purdham.

You told me to!

l was sorry l did.
Jimmy's been crying.

Where does Purdham live?

- l'm not sure.
- Think!

l'm trying.

- Where does Purdham live?
- Try the cookie jar.

- The cookie jar.
- Where l keep my addresses.

Oh! We've gotta find that duck...

before anything
happens to it.

''Chicken chow mein.''

But l...

Purdham!

Oak Road. Come on!

Get in the car, Fred!

Daddy, wait!

Well, look,
l guess l could...

give you five dollars
for it.

Well, l... l know l never
turn down a good deal.

You'll find the duck in the pen
back of the barn yonder.

Thanks.

There's gotta be
a million of 'em!

Where are you?

This duck doesn't respond to
normal things, like its name.

- You know what we need?
- A good psychiatrist.

No. We need something
it does respond to.

Start barking.

lt's our only chance.
Bark!

Wait a minute.
What am l doing?

A sane adult with a law degree crawling
around a barnyard, barking at fowls,

trying to find a duck
who lays solid gold...

Solid gold eggs!

l'll never
see Charlie again.

Come on. We're not gonna
give up till we're licked.

We'll find him.
Charlie?

Where are you goin'?

They're gettin' away
from us!

Come on, Fred!

Get out!
Get back there.

Go back, ducks.

- They're in the pond.
- Head 'em off!

Back, you ducks!
Get back, ducks.

Get them out of the water.
Shove them back onto the shore.

Here.
What's goin' on?

You said only one duck.

But something
happened to the gate.

Get these critters
back in the pen.

Get back!

l found Charlie!

Hey, wait.
Come back!

Help me.

- l knew l'd find her.
- You sure it's her, son?

l know it is.
lt's Charlie.

There's one way to find out.
Hold her on the ground, Fred.

Maybe only Hooper's dog
can do it.

No reflection on you,
dear.

Why, Albert, you don't sound
like Hooper's dog at all.

He goes more like...

l think she's got it.

Pitch.
lt might be a matter of pitch.

What do you think now,
sceptic?

Baby... you're lookin'
at a believer.

Figuring its weight
in troy ounces,

at the pegged gold price,

that's over 900 bucks a yolk.

- That's right.
- And if she laid four eggs in...

- How long did you say?
- About ten minutes.

That would be

over $20,000 an hour.

And if she worked
a six-hour day,

give or take a couple
of coffee breaks...

corn breaks...

Al, baby,

we're talkin' about
a $1 00,000-a-day business!

That's right. lf l can
find the formula to keep her producing.

Oh, you'll do it.
You'll do it.

The big problem is: How do we
legally protect our fortune?

Our fortune?

What do you mean,
our fortune?

Look, Al, sweetheart,

l'm only trying
to save you money.

By making me a partner, you'll save
paying me exorbitant lawyer's fees.

l'll have to devote full-time,

incorporating a duck and not have
the lnternal Revenuers on our neck.

- l got your clothes all nice and dry for you.
- Oh, fine.

How did you manage
to do this, Katie?

- lt was no trouble, really.
- Thanks.

Anyway, the thing to do is to sit tight
until l figure things out.

And don't tell anybody
about this, especially...

We don't want that government
stool pigeon snooping around.

The first thing l'm gonna do is get rid
of that junk l'm driving.

l saw the most fantastic
yellow sports car.

Hold it! Don't spend
any of that money yet.

- What?
- No changes in your living standards.

- You mean, not pay our bills?
- Bills, fine.

We can't raise suspicions
until we get this legally protected.

Let's try and get
some sleep.

Or,

do you think we oughta get the duck
and bark out a few more thou?

The duck's asleep with Jimmy,
and l don't want Jimmy disturbed.

Don't forget
to bring my robe back.

- That's not part of the deal.
- Okay... partner.

Do you think now we can
afford to reshingle our house?

Reshingle our house?

We could reshingle
the Pentagon.

We could buy the Pentagon.

Well, what would we do
with it?

l'm only trying to give you
an idea of our potential.

We have what other men
have only dreamed of.

lt's kinda scary,
isn't it?

You bet it is.

How rich will we be?

So rich that we could not
possibly spend it all.

- We could try.
- Wait a minute.

- l just want to help all l can.
- That's fine.

Don't get carried away.
We must keep our sense of values.

Aesop's Fable warns us
against avarice.

- Against who?
- Greed, greed.

Fellow in the fable,
he let greed destroy him.

We're gonna play it cool,
keep our feet on the ground.

What?

Let's take our cool feet
and go to bed.

Cute.

You oughta close the window.
He might catch cold.

Good idea.

Now what?

Some sense of values.

What do you mean?

Boy, he sure was right.

- Who was?
- You know.

l do?

Aesop!

Jimmy, your lunch.

Be sure and take good care
of Charlie while l'm gone.

Don't worry, l will.
Now, run along.

And don't let Mr. Hooper's dog
get him either.

Jimmy, hurry up.
You're gonna be late for school.

Yes. Who?

The bank.

Bad cheques?

Well, you printed them.

How could a big bank like you have
insufficient funds and stay in business?

Not us, you.

We've explained that you
cannot write cheques

for more money
than you have.

You can be arrested
for that.

No, please don't do that.
Please don't call Mr. Dooley.

l can get the money. But could you
hold on the phone a minute?

Mr. Meaker, l...

l guess you'll just have to
call my husband about that...

Wait.

l'll be right down.

And what is this?

l'm overdrawn, and that's
to un-overdraw me.

Yes, you are overdrawn.

But what is this thing?

Thing?

That's gold,
worth over 900 troy ounce dollars.

And that's my
deposit slip for it.

- You recognise that, don't you?
- One moment, please.

- Next.
- This way.

What kind of a bank
is this anyway?

Sit down.

Mrs. Dooley, we can hardly
take a trinket for a deposit.

Trinket? Haven't you bankers
ever heard of gold?

Mrs. Dooley, even if that were
gold bullion, there's nothing l can...

Bullion?

Processed gold as distinguished
from raw gold.

The only thing we can do with this
is turn it over to the Federal Reserve.

That wouldn't do very much
for your account, would it?

l should say not. l'll just take it
to another bank.

They'll have to do
the same thing.

The only possible place you can
take that is to a refinery.

Refinery?

Where'd you get the hat?

What hat?

Oh, now, Albert,
it was on sale.

lf you wrote a check for that hat,
we're overdrawn again.

No, we're not.
l deposited over $900 today.

- Where did you get $900?
- From the refinery.

- You haven't been in the eggs?
- No, not those. Charlie laid one for me.

Well, why did you take it
to the refinery?

The bank told me to.

The bank?

You took it to the... Well, did you
tell the newspapers too?

Well, no, Albert,
just the bank.

They said if l didn't cover my bad
cheques, l was gonna be arrested.

- Would you rather l got arrested?
- No.

Some husband.
He wants his wife in jail.

Didn't you hear Fred say not to tell
anybody and not to spend the money?

But what's the use of having it?

Hi, partners.

- Don't tell him what l did.
- What did she do?

- Sold an egg to a refinery.
- Good!

That's all we can do. We don't
have a licence to handle gold.

- Then get us a license.
- Oh, sure.

Can you see going to the
US Treasury Department and saying,

''l'd like a gold licence for my
duckie who lays gold eggs''?

Couldn't Hooper get it?
He works for the US Treasury.

He'd confiscate our duck so fast,
it'd singe its feathers off.

- Get all the gold off the premises.
- Why?

Federal gold regulations. You could get
ten years for hoarding. Read this.

We'll have to think up a good story
to tell the refineries.

Why?

You try to peddle gold duck eggs,
they'll lock you up in the nut farm.

Well, l did it,
and they didn't lock me up.

Yes, but you're...

Wait a minute. You didn't tell them
where the gold came from, did you?

Well, he asked me.

Now the whole world
will be after that duck.

- What did he say when you told him?
- He just laughed.

Laughed?

He just... laughed?

Do you hear that, Albert?
He just laughed!

Don't you see?
She solved our whole problem.

She can tell them the truth,
they'll never believe it.

They won't lock her up,
no matter how nutty it sounds.

l'm not so sure
l want my wife...

- What is that, Fred? A new suit?
- Ah! Listen, sweetheart.

- Here's a list of refineries.
- Don't sell too many eggs at one time.

Fred, what have you...
You got a new briefcase too.

lt's nothing, Al baby.

Keep moving around refineries,
otherwise it might look suspicious.

Got it. Could l buy
some new clothes to wear for this?

We mustn't spend the money.

- Mrs. Dooley?
- Yes.

This is exceptionally
high-grade ore.

- Our cashier is making a cheque for you.
- Thank you.

These nuggets
are very interesting.

- ldentical size and shape.
- Yes, l noticed that.

l was curious as
how they got that way.

Would you believe
a duck laid them?

A duck laid 'em?

- What kind of duck was that?
- A white one.

A little white duck.

Mrs. Dooley, listen.
About these nuggets...

l really have to dash.
Bye-bye.

- We don't have your address.
- That's all right. l have it.

Treasury Department?
This is Carter down at Alco.

l got something really odd here.
You might want to check it out.

Beauty.

What's the price of that car?

$ 7,995.

- lt's not even a dozen eggs.
- l beg your pardon?

Nothing. You wouldn't
happen to have a layaway plan?

- Hardly.
- l didn't think so.

Well, l can't buy it now, but,

l'll be back.

According to
the phone calls...

that have been pouring into this
US Treasury Department office,

this map represents
certain refineries

that have been
receiving these...

odd gold nuggets.

And we don't know
who the gang is,

but, undoubtedly,
it's an underworld operation.

Why would they be
spreading those nuggets

around all those
various refineries?

You figure it's
Mafia-controlled, Chief?

- Probably something worse.
- Worse?

Gentlemen, they may have learned
how to make gold.

Well, that's
not very probable.

That can only be done by atomic
bombardment, and the cost is prohibitive.

l know that, Hooper.

The point l'm trying to make
is they've found a way

to make gold cheap enough
to put on the market.

Our top chemists can't even
identify some of the elements,

and there are traces of such bizarre
impurities as... apple pectin.

Apples in gold?

Don't laugh.

Remember what happened to good old,
ordinary bread mould, don't you?

Penicillin.

But Mr. Morgan here
of the Federal Reserve Bank...

has something further
to say to us on the subject.

Gentlemen, this...

this thing
just cannot happen.

l mean, money,
money is the greatest...

What we've got to do is to...
We have got to ferret out...

and stop this
nefarious gang of...

Well, l, l hesitate
to think...

what would happen if this
were to get out of this room!

Excuse me.

Rutledge here.

Yes, he is. Just a second.
Morg, for you.

President of the New York
Stock Exchange.

He says urgent.
Take it on one.

What rumour?

Synthetic gold?

Where'd you...
Where'd you hear that?

Your barber?

No, absolutely nothing
to that.

Nothing to it at all.
Well, we have had a little flap

about gold around here, but,
everything is absolutely under control.

So you tell the
Wall Street to relax.

Good heavens.
How would his barber...

Rutledge here.
You again.

Take it on two.

Yes, this is he.

The state department?

Hello, Rodge.

Oh, no, Rodge.
That's just a rumour.

Rumour or not, Ed, this could play hard
with our foreign monetary agreements.

Believe me, Rodge,
we are on top of this thing.

No, sirree,
not a single foreign country...

will hear anything
about it.

Get me
the US ambassador.

How dare they meddle with their gold.
lt's all ours.

America is producing instant gold.

lt is a plot.

lf those bloody Americans are fabricating
the stuff, we're done in.

Please get formula.

lf Americans make it for ten dollar
an ounce, we make it 8.95.

The White House?

Yes, sir. l fully realise that
you have enough trouble without this.

Yes, sir.
l understand, sir.

Quite... Yes, sir.

Gentlemen, l think
your duty is quite clear.

lt's in your hands.

What leads do you have
on this gang?

Leads.

So far the only lead we have
is the name of the bag man.

Bag woman.

Known under
various aliases,

such as K.W. Dooley,

''Katie Klaus'' Dooley,

Mrs. Albert Dooley,

Frances
Abigail Dooley.

What was after Albert Dooley?
Why, that's my neighbour.

- Your neighbour?
- Well, it's not my fault.

l was there first.
They moved in, and l...

and Albert Dooley. l knew there was
something about that professor.

Really, now. A man of your age.

l was doing
undercover work.

Yes, l can see that.

Hi, neighbour!

How's it going there,
friend?

Fine.

Having a little vacation.

l thought l'd spend it...
fixing up the house.

Have fun.

Hooper suspects something.
Did you tell him anything?

You forgot to kiss me.

- Answer me. Did you?
- l haven't even talked to him.

- Well, how about Jimmy?
- l talked to him. He's our son, remember?

- l know that.
- Why are you suspicious of Hooper?

He's being friendly.
That's proof enough!

- How about that car?
- How about that? Beauty, isn't she?

What happened
no change in living standards?

Not only will my new idea
save us a bundle...

- That's the car l had my eye on.
- Good taste.

And old Freddy boy is gonna see
you get a stable full of 'em.

Why can't we have a car like that?

ls that all you can think about,
material possessions?

Here l am, slaving my head
to the bone while you... Albert!

How about that
for a company name?

- Dooley's Wrought lron Sauna Baths?
- Yeah.

- What does that have to do with gold?
- Nothing.

lt's a sure loser,
a great tax write-off.

l can tell you we got
bigger problems than that.

- You mean some new ones?
- Hooper's suspicious.

- Hooper?
- Yeah. He spoke to me.

Besides Hooper, l cannot identify
the radioactive element in our gold.

lf l can't do that,
l don't know what its half-life is.

- And if l don't know what its half-life is...
- What is this half-life?

The rate of disintegration
of a radioactive substance.

ln other words,
it could run out.

Run out?

You mean our duck
could stop laying gold eggs?

Exactly.

You mean that duck
could be washed up right now?

- lt's possible.
- Well, get it, Al.

Get it and check!

Bring the duck!

You don't have to shout.
l have 20-20 hearing.

- Where's Charlie?
- Out.

What do you mean?

Jimmy took him for a ride
with the Wadlow boys.

The Wadlow boys?
Not that!

The way those maniacs drive,
there goes our Charlie! Come on.

You guys said you'd take
me and Charlie for a ride.

Take it easy.
We will.

Can't you just put
the battery...

Go help him.

lf you're gonna hang around here,
you gotta shape up, okay?

Get that duck off there!
He'll fry!

Hey, Arvin, look.
He likes it.

Man, he's outta sight.

Wanna sell him?
We'll give you two bucks for him.

No, sir.
He's my friend.

l got an idea.

- What do you think you're doing?
- Don't do that, daddy!

- We're havin' fun!
- The fun's over, son.

But they're going to take
me and Charlie for a ride.

Oh, no! No, no, no, they're not taking
this duck in that deathtrap.

Hold on, Mr. Dooley. Doesn't
that duck belong to Jimmy?

Yeah! You're violating
his civil rights!

lt's not a civil rights case.
lt's... property rights.

Hitlers!

Albert, Jimmy's upstairs crying.
What did you do to him?

l didn't do anything to him.
l was just protecting the duck.

We can't take any more
chances like that.

We have to take it away
from Jimmy altogether.

You can't do that.
Jimmy loves that duck.

lt's his pal,
now you've turned against him.

What do you mean?

This is academic if Charlie can't
produce any more. Come on.

Serves you right.
Masher!

Getting big, aren't ya? Come here.
l got something to show you.

l'm not supposed to go
into your yard.

That's all right. l've got a present
for you. Come on.

That's for me?

lf you want it. My little
nephew outgrew it.

Say, this is a nice duck
you've got here.

l'll bet she lays
a lot of nice eggs.

Yeah, lots of them.

You know something?
l've never seen a real duck egg.

Do you suppose l could get her
to lay one for me?

l don't know. My dad can.
He barks at her.

He does? He ba... At the...
Barks at the...

Why don't l try that? Come here
and hold her and l'll try it.

Here we go.

Anything happen
back there? No.

- Come home now, Jimmy.
- But look at the bike Mr. Hooper...

Right now, Jimmy.
And bring Charlie. Hurry.

And you, Mr. Hooper,

stealing
your neighbour's eggs.

Aren't you ashamed?

That's right. Albert, he knows!

Well, no, he didn't get
the egg, but...

l can't keep the duck locked up
all the time. lt's only human, you know.

Yes. All right.

Crisis, Fred.
Hooper's hip.

l'll meet you at the house as quick
as l can sneak away from here.

What he has is,
this little duck.

- Did you say ''duck''?
- Yes. Duck.

l got it.

Evidently some kind of a new
gangland code word.

Oh, no, just plain duck.
You know, quack, quack.

And this duck
lays gold eggs.

lt's true. l mean,
l saw it happen.

They bark at it.

- Bark at it?
- Yeah, like a dog.

They bark just like... And that causes
the duck to lay these gold eggs.

- Why, l did it myself.
- You?

You laid a gold egg,
Hooper?

Oh, yeah. lt wasn't easy, but...
No! l didn't...

l barked at it.
The duck, it laid the gold egg.

Certainly very interesting,
Hooper.

Look, why don't you
stop by my office sometime tomorrow...

and you and me
have a little chat?

But, Chief, wait a minute.
l know it sounds...

You confiscate the duck,
and l'll prove it.

How long you been
with the department now?

- lt was after Prohibition.
- Chief.

There may be something to this. l checked
with a Dr. Gottlieb at the university lab,

and he said something about Dooley
trying to make gold out of eggs.

l thought he was putting me on.
But now...

Aren't those nuggets all about
the same size as an egg yolk?

So... Stop that!

lt's all some
fairy-tale talk...

Sure, but look at the facts.

Yes, Mr. Morgan. No, we haven't
struck yet, but it's a duck.

- Lays gold eggs. Duck.
- Let me have that.

Hi, Morg.
Rutledge here.

Thank you. Same to you.

Yes, there does seem to be
a certain degree of duck involvement.

We don't know just ex...

Oh, no, duck.
D-U... Yeah.

Oh, not a word.
Not a word's gotten out.

A duck?

Try to trade them for it.
Offer them all their gold.

Sell all our mines and buy up every
duck from here to Cape Town.

Get the blueprint
of a US duck.

Make same thing.
Plastic, half-price.

Just let me
say this about that.

Get that duck.
Do you understand?

All right, men.
We're moving in.

Here's the strategy.

- Where's Charlie?
- Upstairs with Jimmy.

Good.
Where's the egg?

That's what we want. We got
to get rid of the duck.

You got any more of these?
We gotta get rid of 'em.

Albert.
What are you doing?

- l handle the eggs.
- l'm trying to help.

l know and l'm telling you
l'm the egg man!

- Finley, where are you going?
- Not now, Eunice, please.

- Let go of my egg.
- lt's my egg, too, Albert.

This is enough! Albert, go upstairs
and get the duck.

Now, wait just a minute, Katie.
l will decide what l am going to do!

l'm going upstairs
and get the duck.

Hello there, neighbour.

l thought you'd like to meet my
colleagues at the treasury department.

- This is Mr. Rutledge, Smith...
- lt's a pleasure.

l hope you can come back
when l'm not so busy.

Being treasury men doesn't mean you can
barge in without a search warrant.

Right here.

There you are.

Dooley, Mr. Rutledge
wants to see your duck.

What duck?

- Come on now.
- You mean my little boy's pet?

Mr. Dooley,
we have an eyewitness...

who will attest to the fact
that you have a duck

that lays... gold eggs.

Gold eggs?

Why'd you do a dumb thing
like that for?

$41 ,000 worth
of eggs,

and not one cent of income tax
has been declared.

This duck of yours could be

the most single valuable asset
in the United States today.

That duck is
a natural resource.

Like Hoover Dam.

That duck is entitled to the protection
of the US Government.

You have no proof that
my client's duck lays gold eggs.

l understand that the duck
will produce on command.

That's right. l've done it myself.
You bark at it.

l'll get the duck.

Now, wait a minute.
You have your rights.

- l'd like to confer with my client.
- You got 30 seconds.

Are you outta your mind?

l'll bark in the wrong pitch,
and she won't produce.

- She won't cross us up?
- No way.

- l'll get the duck.
- l think l'd better.

He might not give it to you.
He's not crazy about you.

- Beckert, don't let her out of your sight.
- No.

l am not going upstairs
with some strange man.

lt's okay.

- He's gone.
- The duck?

- Jimmy.
- Went out the window with the duck.

- They're both gone?
- You tricked us.

- Shut up!
- Don't just everybody stand there.

- Go out and find him.
- l'll handle this.

Beckert, Smith,
Forbes, outside.

Deploy, cover the area.
Hooper, stick with me.

Katie's right.
We have to find that duck.

Not the duck, Fred,
my son!

Mrs. Hooper. Did you see
the Dooley kid come out of his house?

- With a duck?
- l sure did.

He got a bicycle out of
our garage and took off.

- Which way did he go?
- That way.

Hey, Forbes!
Come on! Let's go!

Eunice, why don't you
watch what you're doing?

Poor Jimmy. lf we'd never gotten
that darn duck.

Honey, we'll find him.

There's the bike.
Come on.

Turn around and let's go!

There, Chief.

Search that truck.

Get up.

Not in there.

- What are you bums doin' in my truck?
- Sorry, sir.

This is US official United States
Government business.

We know you got
a duck here somewhere.

Duck?

l know.
This is Candid Camera, right?

Where is it?

Hooper, check that garbage can.

Okay, Mac. Move.

Let's check the rest of the alley.
There's no sign of him here.

- There they are. Follow them!
- Wait for us!

Come on, boy.

What are you doing?

Stop it!
Come here!

The guy in the truck
swerved to miss the duck.

lt's Jimmy.

What could l do?

What are you,
some kind of a nut?

- Come on. Come on.
- Don't let 'em get Charlie.

- Who's after him?
- Everybody, even the government.

The government?
Come on, Arvin. Hurry.

- All right. Cool it.
- Come on, Charlie. You're mine.

There they are!
The Wadlows have 'em.

Never mind that! Get up here.
Move that car outta the way!

l said, move it!

Watch out!

Wait. They're always ready.
We need 'em.

- Get in.
- Should we leave a note for somebody?

Albert! Jump on!

Stop this thing.
He's gonna be killed up there.

- Try and lower him.
- How do you work this crazy thing?

Hey, Fred!
Turn right at the next corner!

Hey, Fred, watch it!

That was a red light.

Look what they're
chasing us with.

l sure gotta hand it to
your old man, Jimmy. He's somethin' else.

For crying out loud,
Fred, take it easy!

Hang on, Albert!

Fred, what are you
trying to do, kill me?

You're gonna
''decaptivate'' him!

- What are you trying to pull now?
- What do you think?

l'm waiting
for a streetcar!

Go, Forbes.
After 'em.

Here we go.

Get around that fool truck,
and we got 'em.

Come on. Pass 'em.

Your dad's cool, but he is a show-off.

Hold it!
You gotta have a ticket!

Swing on back to that garage, Forbes.
We got 'em now.

You can't make a U-turn here, stupid!

Thank you.
Move along, folks. Break it up.

lt's official United States
Government business.

No wonder you got
everything loused up!

Fred, the boys are
in the parking garage.

You can't bring this thing in here.

- My son is in here.
- l don't care who's in here.

Get this outta here!

Will you please take my money?
l'm in a hurry.

- This mother's child...
- Will you get this thing out!

Over there.

Come on.

Run! Move it!

Over you go.

A ladder.

Over you go.

- Where are you?
- Be brave, pal.

Attaboy.

Easy does it, boy.
There you go.

Help!

Hang on, we'll get ya.

We'll find something...

Don't move.

Go away, daddy!

- Give me your hand.
- You just want Charlie.

Put your hand in mine.

Go away, daddy.

Help!

My son.

Daddy, don't let 'em
take Charlie.

Sorry, son. There's nothing
l can do about that now.

l'm sorry, sonny.

We got to put Charlie under protective
custody for his own good.

Jimmy, let's go home.
l'll explain it all to you later.

- So long, gentlemen.
- No.

You're not going home. You're
coming with us. You're under arrest.

Arrest?

Suspicion of violation
of federal gold regulations.

- He didn't mean to.
- Ah, sorry. Come on, Dooley.

At least you're lucky,
old boy.

Lucky?

My son disowned me. l've lost a fortune.
And l've just been arrested.

But you've got a darned good lawyer
to handle your case.

What's that duck really worth?

Sorry, gentlemen!

You can't get
in the trial.

We handle riot cases, rapes and spies,
but a rich duck?

Mr. Hooper, did you actually
witness the duck lay a golden egg?

Yes, sir.

- Did you make it perform this feat?
- l did, indeed.

- Would you demonstrate it for us, sir?
- l'd be happy to.

lt's the wrong pitch,
isn't it?

- Your Honour, he's not doing it right.
- Albert, sit down.

l'd like to get this out in the open.
lf that duck can lay gold eggs,

then we should
establish that.

lf we've done wrong,
l accept the consequences.

- You're outta your mind.
- lf we lose the duck, so be it.

lt's just that now l know
that there are things...

a darn sight
more valuable to me.

Excuse me.

One more time.

There's the evidence.

Break that open and look inside of that.
You're gonna get it now.

lt's run out.
Finished.

Case dismissed. Lack of evidence.

But, Your Honour, the defendant
has $40,000 in various banks.

Well, good for him.

Since when are we against the
accumulation of a few dollars

as a result
of individual initiative?

This country was built
on enterprise and ingenuity.

Let's don't lose that.

Only bad thing is the professor won't
be able to keep the money

after he pays
his income tax on it.

You know,
for a worthless creature,

you sure have caused
a lot of trouble.

- Here you are.
- Thank you, Your Honour.

You're wrong about
this duck being worthless.

lt has great value.

lt was just that l was confused
about what that value was.

Really?

- Forever?
- Really forever, pal.

One word of caution, son.

lf it ever lays
another gold egg,

bury it... quick.