All language subtitles for Something Big (Western Comedy 1971) Dean Martin, Brian Keith & Carol White

Poetry, Sergeant Fitzsimmons?

Yes?

Sir, Junior Frisbee just rode in.

Oh. Well, have one of the men
keep an eye on him as usual.

His thieving, murdering partner
with him, I presume?

- In a matter of speaking, sir.
- How's that?

Ugh.

This here dirty old bag of bones
was my partner for 30 years.

And do you know what he is now?

He's dead, that's what he is.

Now, what do you gotta say
about that?

Well, I'd say bury him, Junior.

You don't even care who done it,
do you?

- No, I don't.
- Well, I'll tell you who done it.

Baker done it.

And you don't care why he done it,
do you?

I can't say I do, Junior.

Well, all Bill did here
was kick his dog.

Just kicked his damn dog and Baker
laid him out for the pearly gates.

And you're not gonna do
a damn thing about it, are you?

- Nope.
- How come?

Ain't it your job to protect folks?

And ain't it your job to protect

good, clean, decent, white folks
from the heathens?

Well, ain't it?

Well, I'd say he looks healthier

than the last time I saw him, Junior.

How can he look healthier
when he's dead?

Must agree with him.

We was talking about protection.

Well, how many people would you say
he's killed during his miserable life?

Well, none that didn't deserve it.

- How many have you killed, Junior?
- None that didn't deserve it.

Me and Bill was very particular
about that.

We never killed church folks neither.

Of course, there was a Baptist that
got in the way once, but very seldom.

Yeah.

Well, you ought to bury him.

All you got to say.

Do you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna write a letter to Washington
about you.

Yes, sir.

And what?

Well, I'm gonna find somebody
that can write for me.

Somebody with a fine, delicate hand

because that's all they understand
in Washington.

I'm gonna write a letter.
You wait and see if I don't.

Sergeant, see that poor Bill

- is underground before dark.
- Yes, sir.

Flies are getting bad.
- Yes, sir.

It's getting so decent folks
can't move in this country without...

getting killed or...

Thirty years, sergeant,
and my wife will be coming

through the gate any day now.

She wants to make sure
I retire this time. Ahem.

- Get Bookbinder in here.
- Yes, sir.

Frisbee's out there telling how

he's aiming to write a letter
to Washington.

Yes, yes, a fine, delicate letter.

Very fine and very delicate
because that's what...

That's what they understand
in Washington. Yes, yes, I know.

We haven't heard anything of Baker in
four or five months. What's he up to?

It's hard to keep up with him.

Him and them he rides with
is always on the move.

He travels with a dog.

- How's that?
- I said he travels with a dog.

Well, why did you tell me
he travels with a dog?

Well, I don't know why I told you.
I just told you, that's all.

I didn't mean for you
to get put out none.

All right. All right.
Where does he make his base?

He ain't got none.

Gets around like a fever
and lives on a rock.

Word has it,
he's planning something big.

- Something what?
- Something big. That's all I heard.

Ahem. Bookbinder,

- you do work for us, do you not?
- Right.

You are employed by
the United States Cavalry as a scout,

- am I right or wrong?
- Scout. Cavalry. Yeah.

Well, then get out.
Do some scouting, find out something.

Find out what Baker
is planning to do.

Well, if we were gonna talk,
why couldn't we have met

at Bad Water
or some civilized place?

I could get shot in a civilized place,
Baker.

Folks treat me like an animal.

What do you want?

Heard you were planning
something big.

Where'd you hear that?

On the wind.

You ought to stay out of the wind,
Cobb, or you could catch your death.

Never mind. We heard it.

So?

I could get my hands on something
that might interest you.

What?

A Gatling gun.

What are you willing to take
for this big gun?

I'd trade you that there big gun
for a woman.

A what?

A woman.

What do you want with a woman?

What do you mean?

What do you mean
what do I want with a woman?

What should any man want
with a woman?

I'll pay you for the big gun.

Yeah, and I'll spend it all
in the first water hole I come to.

You know I can't leave the territory.

It's a woman or nothing.

Where am I gonna find a woman
out here?

Well, that's your problem.

Is it a deal?

Yeah, it's a deal.

What's that shining
in your horse's mouth?

- His teeth.
Shines like gold.

Cavities.

I love my horse.

Let's see.
There's the Standall sisters.

- What?
- No, I couldn't do that.

Hey, are the bones still here?

His name is John.

John.

It arrived here in Bad Water
two weeks ago, Senor Baker.

Dear Mr. Baker,
you and my loving brother, Tommy,

must be having a fine time of it
out there in the West.

Out there where the most respectable
man within shouting distance

is a thief and a rogue
and a cutthroat.

But it's coming to the end, laddie.

And that's why I'm taking my pen
in hand to write you,

you miserable man.

By the time you receive
this wee message, I'll be on my way.

I'm coming for you, Mr. Baker.

Oh, no.

You can set your mind to it
and pack your kit.

You asked me to marry you
and you meant it.

And I said I would and I meant it.

So you can get
your great brute of a self ready

because I'm coming
by the first passage I can find.

Your loving Dover.

Dover, right? Is she sick?

- She's coming.
- Coming here?

- To take me back to Pennsylvania.
- Oh, my God.

She's coming to take me back
whether I'm ready to go or not.

Well, you did ask my sister
to marry you.

And we've been out here
almost four years.

And two years
was your agreement with her.

You told her you could make
your fortune in that time

and go home as rich as Croesus.

I thought you were on my side.

You came out here
to do something big.

Am I right or am I wrong?

- You're right.
- Well, your time's more than run out.

And you haven't done it yet because
you keep putting it off and putting it off,

because you know that when you do it,
it'll be the end of this life for you.

You might as well face it, lad,
it's gonna be the end anyway

once my sister gets here,
and that's a fact.

Emilio Estevez was the biggest
bandit of them all, senor.

This whole town is his?

He was the enemy of Benito Ju�rez.

Also, he was the enemy
of Maximilian.

Also, he did not care for his mother.

When he took this town, he kept it.

Everything he steals,
he brings to this place.

It's the Sodom and Gomorrah
of Mexico.

Yeah. They'll remember me for this.

It's like the sack of Rome.

But we are only a dozen guns.

But with the big gun, we can do it.

Okay, the big gun. Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, look.

You suppose?
Aye.

Those three were doing
what we're thinking about.

It's not gonna be easy, Baker.

There are over a hundred guns
down there.

Well, the hell with their guns, Tommy.
This is it.

Something big.

Big.

Laddie!

Hiyah!

Yes?

Sir, I think you best come
to the saloon, sir.

Saloon, why?

Well, I think you best come and see,
sir.

Very well.

I'm lonesome since I crossed the hill

And o'er the moor and valley

Such heavy thoughts my heart do fill
Since parting with my Sally

I seek no more the fine and gay
For each does but remind me

How swift the hours did pass away
With the girl I left behind me

Oh, ne'er shall I forget the night
The stars were bright above me

And gently lent their silvery light
When first she vowed she loved me

But now I'm bound to Brighton camp
Kind heaven, favor find me

And send me safely back again
To the girl I left behind me

Sir, the men wanted me to tell you

what a pleasure it's been
to serve under you.

And, well, we know it's gonna be
two weeks before you're leaving,

but some of the men here
are gonna be out on patrol

when it comes your time to leave us,

and, well,
we'd like to take this opportunity...

Sir, it's my privilege and honor
to be the one chosen

to present you
with this token of our esteem.

I speak for all the horse soldiers
in your command when I say

that it's been an honor
to serve with you.

Under. Under.

- Under you, sir.
Ahem.

Yes.

Thank you, corporal.

Thank you.

Men, I find myself rather at a loss
for words.

It's most difficult for me to express
my feelings about this occasion

and all of you and the cavalry.

I believe only a soldier
could understand that,

possibly only a horse soldier.

I've been a cavalryman for 30 years.

And it's been my privilege
and my honor

to be acquainted
with a great many very brave men.

So I'm most grateful tonight
for this opportunity to tell you

that of all those with whom I served,

you men are the finest.

And I thank you.

Sir. Sir, you believe in
fair play, don't you?

And doing what's right?

Why, of course, sergeant.

Well, it was me that was supposed
to give you that Indian headdress

and not Corporal James here.

And, well, I'd like your permission to
express my feelings on this matter, sir.

Oh, I see.

Well, certainly.

Corporal James,
that was a bad thing you done to me.

But, sergeant...

I'm gonna take you one by one
what put him up to it too.

Try me, sarge!

- Excuse me, sir.
- Carry on, sergeant.

- Oh, your hat, sir.
- Thank you, corporal.

That was very unwise, you know.
Sergeant Fitzsimmons is sensitive.

- Sensitive, sir?
- Very sensitive.

Colonel?

Evening.
- Good evening, sir.

- Will you sit a spell?
- Don't mind if I do. Thank you.

- Have a cigar.
- I will. Thank you.

Well, captain,
I'm going to miss this outfit very much.

And any day now, my wife
will be arriving through the gate,

and away I go.

Mrs. Morgan is coming here
to the fort?

Yeah. With bells on, captain.
Bells on.

I guess she wants to be sure
I retire this time.

I started to twice before,
but when I came right down to it,

why, I couldn't.

Listen to that.

MEN I seek no more the fine
and gay for each does but remind me

History we're making, captain.

We're making history.

Someday, it'll be a tired, old,
ghost town,

that's all, blowing in the wind.

Ahem. Well, good night, captain.

- Good night, sir.
- Thank you for the cigar.

You're welcome, colonel.

Kind heaven, favor find me

And send me safely back again
To the girl I left behind me

How are you?

- What the...?
- That Mr. John Anderson.

Well, yeah, but, uh...

It was his last wish
on his deathbed.

Mr. Anderson said
if his friends cannot be with him,

he always want to be
with his friends.

Heh, heh.
That was a very fine gesture.

- What you like to drink?
- Oh, whiskey, I reckon.

You wouldn't be knowing a man
named Baker, I don't suppose?

He rides with a dog.

Si, everybody knows Senor Baker.

He been around lately?

Oh, seven, eight days ago.

Why do you ask?
Is Senor Baker a compadre to you?

No, not exactly.

I heard he was planning
something big.

Oh, yes.
He's planning something big.

Mucho, mucho, mucho, very big.

Yeah. What?

I don't know.

Aah!

Are you a bandit?

No, ma'am. Just an old cowboy
trying to get along.

Hell, honey, I don't care
what you call yourself,

but if you're after our valuables,

I'll tell you now, mine,
you can't put in a saddle bag.

You wanna bet?

Tommy?

Well?

- Why not?
- You'll bring shame on yourself

giving Johnny Cobb
a woman like her.

- Well, how do you figure?
- Look at it, lad.

You want people to think
she's the best you can do?

He just said he wanted a woman.

He didn't say he wanted one
with a bloodline.

Can you no understand, lad?

Taking her to Cobb would be
to go against the scripture.

Scripture?
What's the Bible got to do with it?

Christian thing to do is
to get the kind of a woman for Cobb

that you'd want Cobb to get for you.

You're right. Luis?

Two men.

More than likely that's Johnny Cobb
and the flea that rides with him.

More than likely.

And you don't have the woman for him
for trade.

It could mean trouble.

Well, let's let him hear
what trouble really sounds like.

Aye. What air do you fancy then?

"Campbells Are Coming."

Hey, welcome home.

Come on, Tuffy.

You were gone a lot longer this time
than I thought you'd be.

Oh, we were down in Mexico
looking over the town of Estevez.

They rode in this morning.

Baker, where's the woman?

Johnny's talking to you, Baker.

You start something with me, Moon,

and they'll be collecting you
in a gunny sack.

Where is the woman?

When I have her, I'll let you know,
all right?

When?

What do you think I am, Cobb,
a magician?

You think it's easy to produce
a woman out of nowhere?

Don't you think
if I could find a woman,

I'd have one or two for myself?

Yeah. Well, what about the time
they stole your cook's wooden leg

out of that cat house in Bad Water
and used it for firewood,

you found him another?

Where'd you find a wooden leg
way out here?

- Well, it wasn't easy.
- And that horse of yours.

You got the only horse in the world
with gold teeth.

What's your point?

His point is, if you can find them things
in this country,

you can find him a woman.

Yeah. And now you just listen to me
and you better listen good.

If it wasn't for the $5,000 price
on my head outside this territory,

I wouldn't even be talking to you.

We got a deal. You and me. A deal.

A woman for a Gatling gun.

Now, I can get my hands
on that Gatling gun this week.

Where's the woman?

What you need is a drink, Johnny.

What I need is a woman!

You could make a man deaf
yelling in his ear like that.

Sit down, Johnny.
Have a drink. Sit down.

When I lie down at nights,
I'm thinking about a woman.

And when I get up in the morning,

I'm thinking about a woman.

It's been years.

Baker, it's been years.

I can't remember.
I can't even remember what's it like.

Johnny, I'll tell you what it's like.
First of all...

I don't want you to tell me,
I wanna do it!

Now, we got a deal.
Gatling gun for a woman.

Now, where is she?

It's a sorry kind of a man
who resorts to violence, Cobb.

Just take a drink.

He's been waiting for you.

Attention!

Couldn't you do that outside,
Bookbinder?

Sergeant Fitzsimmons
has just finished cleaning the o...

No, not now.

What'd you find out?

Well, I rode out to Bad Water

and talked to a Mexican there
that runs the cantina.

Yes?

Then I rode on down
to the stage stop

and talked to a mountain man there
named Nate Hattersby.

Go on.

Then I rode back a hundred miles
to Lost Boy Pass

and talked to a couple of Navajos there
riding south.

Bookbinder, could you just get to it?

What is Baker planning? Baker.

Something big.

Bookbinder,
I've been in the Army most of my life,

30 in the cavalry, to be exact,

and I have never ever had a scout

as utterly worthless as you are.
Get out.

Colonel,
if a man can't find something out,

he just can't find it out.
Now, that's all there is to it.

No, that is not all there is to it,
Bookbinder.

You are paid to know.
Do you understand?

Do...? No, you don't.
Get out. Get out.

Yah! Yah!

Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah!

We'll water the horses here.

Whoa!

Baker. All I hear is Baker.

He's held up four stagecoaches
in one week, gentlemen.

Here, here, here and here.

He hasn't harmed anyone and
he hasn't taken anything from them.

Now, what does that leave?

Obviously, he's looking for something
or someone or whatever.

Well, before he finds them or it
or whatever it is he's looking for,

I want to know who or what it is,
you understand?

Now, one thing for sure,
as I'm standing here,

we know he's out there right now
somewhere,

holding up another stagecoach.

Question, gentlemen:

Why is he doing it? Why?

Whoa!

Apache Flats.

You folks better come in.

This will be your last drink of water
before Dry Wells.

What's going on here?

Who are you? What do you want?

I'm going to see you shot.

And who's gonna do the shooting?

It may interest you to know
that my name is Mary Anna Morgan.

My husband is the commanding officer
of the fort at Dry Wells.

Is that the best you can think of
to scare me?

You cannot be the colonel's lady,
lassie.

And why not?

Every man in the territory knows
the colonel is married

to a cold lady who lives back East.

Aye. A cold, frigid, barren woman
with no heart or soul.

- You know the colonel?
- We've met along the way.

And I suppose he told you all this
about his wife?

He didn't have to.

What other kind of a woman would
make a man live alone to do his duty?

How's your health?
Does your belly ever hurt you?

- I beg your pardon.
- Or your head? Or anything?

I'll tell you one thing.

You sure do look like
everything is in order.

- Can I see you a minute, Tommy?
- Aye.

Whoa!

What do you mean
the colonel's wife ain't here?

There was nothing you could do,
huh?

- Not a thing, Jesse. They took us by...
Pardon me.

What's going on here?
Where's my wife?

You, stop. Where's Mrs. Morgan?

Sir, I've got your wife's luggage
and that's all.

Colonel,
I just don't know how to tell you.

Well, find a way, man,
find a way, quickly.

Well, sir, your wife was tooken
at Apache Flats.

There was about a dozen of them,
mostly Mexican.

But the leader, he was no Mex.

- Did he have dark hair?
- And a dog.

- Brown eyes?
- Yep, and a dog.

- Tall and lean?
- That's right. And he had a dog.

Yes, and a dog.

Baker.

Baker.

Something big.

Bring this man to my office, sergeant.

Yes, sir.

I'll make a deal with you.

You can hate me,
but you can still drink my water.

On that basis, I'll do it.

I don't have a disease.

Neither do I,
and it's gonna remain that way.

Will you answer one question
for me?

I got no secrets.

Why am I here?
What do you intend to do with me?

- Do you want it straight out?
- Yes.

I'm trading you to a man
for a Gatling gun.

I know it ain't right, but no one's ever
accused me of being good.

I got a qualm.

I don't want you to think
that I'm bragging,

but I've known a lot of women
in my time.

But I don't remember seeing one
as beautiful as you.

And it's sure gonna hurt me
to turn you over to him.

Don't you have any idea
which way they went?

Nope, I sure ain't, colonel.

I ain't even got a notion
which way they come.

- They was just there.
- Just there.

Are you absolutely certain
you didn't hear him say anything?

I didn't say
I didn't hear him say anything.

I said I didn't hear him say anything
about where he was going.

Then you did hear him
say something?

- Sure did.
- Well?

Would you mind telling me
what he said,

if it's not too much strain?

- He said...
- What? What'd he say?!

He asked Mrs. Morgan
how her belly was.

What?

Then he give her a probe or two.

Seemed real pleased.

Who seemed real pleased?

- Baker.
- Tyler!

We're taking your troop.
Issue three days' rations.

We'll pick up their trail
at Apache Flats.

- Bookbinder! Bookbinder!
Yes, sir.

They rode out of here
heading east, colonel.

Figure they're headed
for the Guadalupes.

We'll stay here the night,
push out in the morning.

Yes, sir.

- See the horses to the corral, captain.
- Yes, sir.

At a walk. Forward. Ho!

Colonel?

I reckon I've heard about everything
there is to hear about Baker.

Oh, I know you're worried
about your lady,

but I ain't never yet heard tell
of Baker hurting a woman.

Bookbinder, there are things a man
can do to a woman without hurting her.

Vile, rude, disgraceful,
undignified things.

Unspeakable things, Bookbinder.

Yeah.

Luis.

Senor Baker, four wagon loads
of whiskey going to Lordsburg.

Good.

You stay there, mister,
and I'll get you a drink.

This is all well and good,
but it's not the big thing, is it?

The Indians are gonna like
this whiskey.

Aye, they're men, are they not?
What kind of answer is that then?

We're gonna need them
for our big thing.

Okay. Heh, heh.

They love me.

Baker.

Jesus saves. Amen.

Whiskey, good.

You bring sunshine.

So good. Welcome.

I figured you'd like it.

You good man, Baker.

You lovely man.

Well, chief, thank you.

But, well, there's just one little thing.

Lovely. Lovely. Lovely.

Hey, Pickens,
I brung you a guest for supper.

Yeah, I saw.

And I'm glad to see
you finally found...

Oh, I can't... I can't believe this.

What's so funny
about my taste in women?

Is she the one? Ha, ha, ha.

Well, what's wrong with her?

Is she the one you got
for Johnny Cobb?

- Yeah, what's wrong with her?
- Ha, ha, ha.

Joe, don't you know who she is?

- Well, she told us some story about...
- Ha, ha, ha.

You mean?

You don't mean?

I don't suppose
you'd like to talk about it.

Just before they stand you
in front of my husband's firing squad,

I'd be happy to discuss it with you,
Mr. Baker.

Now, will you please show me
to my quarters?

Show you to your quart...?
You sleep here.

Indeed. And where will you sleep?

Beneath you.

I prefer to sleep somewhere else,
thank you.

"I prefer to sleep somewhere else."

You'll sleep here,
I'll sleep beneath you

and that's the way it's gonna be
until Cobb comes to collect you.

Tommy, how does a good man like me
get into a mess like this?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Morgan,
but we don't stock lilac water.

You can't seriously expect

that I'm gonna bathe in that tub
in this room?

Well, except for the fort
at Dry Wells,

that's the only tub I know of
for a hundred miles.

That isn't exactly what I meant,
Mr. Baker.

I seriously doubt
whether you've ever known one,

but I happen to be a lady.

Is that a fact?

That is most certainly a fact.

Does that mean that
you're put together somehow different

than any other woman?

What I'm getting at is,
if I didn't know any other females,

then I wouldn't know
what I was looking at, would I?

Would I?

But it just so happens
I know other females

and I know exactly
what I'm looking at.

So it don't make no difference,
does it?

Out here,
we all bathe in the same water.

I usually go first,
but I'm giving you that honor,

you being such a fine lady and all.

Now, here's the way it works.

Tommy scrubs my back,
I scrub Tommy's back.

Pickens scrubs Luis' back
and Luis scrubs Pickens' back.

That's the way it was until you come in
and messed up the whole organization.

Now, we'll just have
to rearrange it all.

And while you're here,

Luis will scrub your back
and you'll scrub...

She's still in it.

Where'd you meet her?

I was in her husband's company
during the war.

We rode together at Manassas.

I guess I'd still be a horse soldier
if I hadn't lost my leg.

- In the war?
- No.

See, there was this girl in Virginia
and her father caught us.

Cut it off.

Chopped it clean off with an ax

- while I was sleeping.
- Really?

Cross my heart.

You're lucky it was only your leg.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking
that somewhere out there,

your husband's looking for you.

It's logical, isn't it?

Very logical.

Why'd you make him live
all those years alone?

I can't think of any reason
in the world

why I should answer a question
like that from you.

You don't have to talk to me at all.

But what have you got to lose?

That's one way of looking at it,
I suppose.

You don't seem as upset
as I thought you'd be.

If I don't,
it's because I don't believe it.

Things like this don't happen.
Not to me.

Nothing ever happened to me
back in Pennsylvania either.

That's why I came out here.

All my life, I've wanted to do
something big, really big.

Now I can do it,
but I need that Gatling gun.

And that's where I fit in.

This is my first chance
to do the big thing.

May be my last chance.

You wouldn't understand.

I understood
that my husband had to be cavalry,

had to be a horse soldier.

I never sympathized,
but I understood.

I don't believe you.

I don't believe you're gonna trade me
for a Gatling gun.

Why don't you believe me?

Because I'm worth more than that.
Far more.

And you know it.

Looks like they've been here, colonel.

Colonel, dog soldiers sending word
we're coming.

Hm.

Tyler.

- Sir.
- I'm going on alone, captain.

- You take the men back to Dry Wells.
- Well, sir, the men understand.

- They're more than willing to continue.
- Yes, I'm certain they are.

This is a very personal matter.
I can't endanger their lives.

Begging the colonel's pardon,
but don't you consi...

No, no, this is not an Indian matter,
captain.

Just take the men back to the fort.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

I'm sending the men home,
Bookbinder.

If you'd like to go with them,
that's all right with me, I understand.

Well, things is getting a little dull
back at the fort, colonel.

I believe I'll just stay with you.

I appreciate that.

Troop, dismount.

Water your horses.

Baker, you just get
purtier and purtier.

I sure am a lucky man.

Every time I come back here,
I half expect to see you two gone.

Every time we think of leaving,
Polly finds another nugget.

That's right.

We ain't got nothing but a cow
and a hole in the ground.

You might say we live
from nipple to nugget.

Come on down.
I got an itch that needs scratching.

Come here, Tuffy.

Hey, why don't you plant
some flowers or something

on your husband's grave?

He didn't smell nice living,
why should he smell nice dead?

I'm speaking about respect.

That's right, Baker.

And we got a lot of respect for you.

I sure am hungry.
You got anything cooking?

Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

Whoa.

Why do you suppose the Army always
picks uninhabitable places to settle?

I don't know, ma'am, but it's a fact.

Oh, maybe I should tell you,

it's customary for all ladies to check
into the fort at the company office.

First building over there.

I'll send your baggage over.

I'm looking for Baker.

Everybody's looking for him, ma'am.

And why do you suppose
they're doing that?

Well, ma'am, I could give you
a thousand reasons,

but, particularly,
because he's got the colonel's wife.

Does he?

Well, I never knew Baker
when he didn't have some man's wife.

Aye, he follows the skirts
like a dog follows the scent of a fox.

How is it you know him so well,
ma'am?

He's going to marry with me.

I am Miss Dover MacBride
and I've come to get him.

Hey, laddie, tell me this,
what are we gonna do with her?

I don't know, but she's right.

She's worth a hell of a lot more
than that goddamn gun.

You know something?
Cobb's cheating me.

Aye. If only she wasn't
the cavalry colonel's wife, eh?

No, that's not it. It's her. It's all her.
She makes me wonder.

- About what?
- Well, now, what do you think?

You're gonna have to make
a decision.

Cobb's gonna be along any day
with the big gun.

I know.

What you gonna tell him
when he comes?

I don't know.

If she's still here,
he's gonna see her.

I know.

Look, I got the colonel's wife,

Dover's coming to get me,

Cobb's coming with the big gun.

It's getting hard to keep things straight
in my mind.

Have you considered
taking her back then?

You know, I'm getting a terrible pain
in my head, Tommy.

Would you mind just shutting up?

If you take her back,
you'll have nothing for Cobb.

If you give her to Cobb, we'll have
the whole U.S. Cavalry against us.

Now, personally, I prefer Cobb.

I'm just trying to be helpful,
you understand?

Well, you're not being helpful, Tommy.
You're making me sick.

Aye.

Count it.

Not enough.

Well, now, why don't
you try counting it, Malachi?

I know how much it is.
It's not enough.

You know how much it is,

then you know
it's what we agreed on in Tucumcari.

This ain't Tucumcari.

Say what you gotta say.
I'm in a hurry.

Words in Tucumcari
ain't money in El Paso.

Cost me more than I thought
for the big gun.

I've come too far and risked too much
to take a loss.

How much more?

Uh...

Half again as much.

You must think
my mama raised a fool.

Half again as much, Cobb.

Take it or leave it.

He ate like a pig.

Hello, amigo.

- Tequila or whiskey?
- Whiskey.

- What do you have to eat, sir?
- Well, I got goat.

- Billy or nanny?
- Never mind.

- Do you have anything else?
- Horse.

Oh, we'll have some of the...
Some of the goat and whiskey.

- Thank you.
- Me too.

There we are.

Mr. Bookbinder here tells me

you're acquainted with a man
by the name of Baker. Is that right?

Senor Baker is a good friend of mine.
Very close.

Very good.
You see, Bookbinder, what'd I tell you?

You have to know
how to handle these people.

Treat them nicely, decently,
speak to them quietly,

and there's no end
to what you can find out. Ahem.

Now, then, has he been around
to see you lately, Baker?

I don't remember
when was the last time.

Yeah. Where does he live?

How many hombres ride with him?

I don't know.

I thought he was a good friend
of yours.

Very good friend.
- I see.

Well, thank you very much.
You've been most helpful.

Plum full of information, ain't he?

What a sight.

I missed my calling.
I should have been a general.

Have you made any decision
regarding the colonel's lady?

- You gonna start that again?
- You haven't got much time, Baker.

- You got me into this.
- I got you into it?

You're the one that said I should give
Johnny Cobb the kind of a woman

- I'd expect him to give to me.
- Okay.

I didn't promise him
any kind of a woman.

I never spoke to Cobb, you did,
and you best not be forgetting it either.

Why do you suppose a man's
supposed to love only one woman?

It's the Lord's ruling.

You know something, Tommy?

If she wasn't the colonel's lady
and if it wasn't for Dover,

and if she was willing,
which she naturally would be,

I mean, me being me and all,

I'd keep her for myself.

And what about the big gun?

We'll take that away from Cobb.

He's nothing but a thief and a robber.
He'll understand.

Carrie! Carrie!

Two men coming.

Good evening, ma'am,
I'm, ahem, Colonel Morgan,

- commanding officer of the...
- Come on in.

You don't wanna wait out here.

Yes, ma'am.
I mean, no, ma'am, thank you.

- You can come in too, mister.
- Why, thank you, ma'am.

Good evening.

I'm Polly Standall.

- This here is my sister Carrie.
- How do you do?

Ladies, we're looking for a man
named Baker.

Would either of you
happen to know him?

Know him?

He come through here last year
like a dose of salts.

He didn't even take his boots off.

Yes. Do you know
where we could find him?

Wherever he is, it's soft and warm.

Why don't you sit down,
make yourselves to home.

Oh, no, thank you very much.

We'd be most appreciative if you'd
allow us to sleep in your shed tonight.

What's in the shed?

I beg your pardon?

There ain't nothing in the shed
for you.

You come right over here.

- Sit down.
- Oh.

Oh, thank you. Ahem.

Thank you very much.

I just love soldiers.

Why, thank you.

Sailors too.

But I lean more to soldiers.

Well, that's very kind of you, ma'am.

It's always...
It's always good to be appreciated.

You know, I, uh... Ahem.

I always felt that if more civilians
felt the way you do...

I mean,
if more civilians felt the way you...

You don't really wanna spend
the night in that old shed, do you?

It's so cold and dirty out there.

Well, I've become accustomed
to sleeping in the dirt

and the cold and the heat
in the bulk of my military career.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm just gonna go out
and get a little fresh air.

No, you're staying right here,
Bookbinder.

- But, look, colonel, l...
Sit down, Bookbinder.

Sit down. That's an order.

Now, we're staying in this room
together.

And when we leave,
we are leaving together.

Is that understood?

As a matter of fact,
we're leaving now.

It's obligatory
that we get an early start, l...

Now, see here.

Look, you two,

I appreciate the food
and the hospitality very much,

but there's a limit
to what you can expect of a guest.

You ain't no guest, honey.

- You're supper.
- What?

You take a turn, Polly,
and then you can hold the gun for me.

Ooh! Heh.

I just love soldiers. Heh.

Dismiss the troop, corporal.

Company dismissed.

Sir, am I glad to see you, sir.

- What's the problem, Fitzsimmons?
- Well, sir, it's a woman.

A what?

And if you don't mind my saying so,
sir, she's quite beautiful.

- Well, what's she doing here?
- She's looking for Baker, sir.

Looking for Baker?

Where is she?

Well, sir, I had to billet her
in the colonel's quarters.

You did what?

Well, sir, I couldn't very well put her
in the enlisted men's barracks, could I?

Oh.

Good evening, ma'am.
I'm Captain Tyler.

Colonel Morgan's adjutant.
Sergeant Fitzsimmons said that...

Tell me what Sergeant Fitzsimmons
said I said

and then I'll tell you what I said.

Yes, ma'am.
Well, Sergeant Fitzsimmons said...

I'm surprised that your Army
has an Irishman

in such a position of authority.

For you can never rely
on one of them for the truth.

- He said you...
- It's drinking they do best

and fighting and blaspheming
and telling outrageous stories,

the likes of which
you've never heard of

- in your born days.
- He said...

Aye, the Irishman
with tears in his eyes will tell you

that every word passing his lips
is the truth.

Yes, ma'am.
Well, he said that you, uh...

- That you came to get...
- To get Baker? Aye, I have that.

Well, what are your plans, ma'am?

I mean, how do you propose
to find him?

I'm here.

He'll know.

They're having a good time.

Yes, I know.

I've seen that kind of
good time before.

Many times, in the cavalry.

Always before they go out,

when there's a possibility
they may not come back.

The Indians do it too, I hear.

I'm not giving you to Johnny Cobb.

Why aren't you?

- Straight out?
- Straight out.

Well, you were right.
You are worth more than the gun.

Isn't there another reason?

If there was,
why should it interest you?

A woman is always interested
in a man's reasons

for changing his mind about her.

You asked me why I've made my
husband live alone all these years.

Well, we've had a month together
out of every one of those years.

And in each of those months,
we lived a year.

Each time he took his leave,
it was always new.

Each time we've been together,
it's been new.

It was falling in love all over again,
year after year.

I was always ready for him
and always wanted him.

Do you think I would've meant
the same thing to him

if I'd lived all those years with him
in the desert,

in the heat and the dirt?

"A cold, barren woman,"
your friend said of me.

No.

Because you see,
my bed is a rose garden.

I can tell you now the real reason
I'm not giving you to Johnny Cobb.

If I can't have you, why should he?

Bookbinder.

Breathe a word of this to a living soul
and you're a dead man.

- Wake up. Come on, Joe, wake up.
- Hm?

- Your future wife is here.
- Oh.

- Where?
- The fort at Dry Wells.

How do you know?

It's true?

White squaw come far land.
Stage bring.

- What makes him think it's Dover?
- He heard her talking to a sergeant.

Blue coat.

White woman. Dover, Dover.

- Dover. It's true then. All right.
- Hm.

Baker, good friend.

You better go get her.
I'll meet you at Potter's Mesa.

Mr. Cobb, we haven't had the pleasure
of seeing you around the fort lately.

Been off on an ocean voyage,
have you?

Ain't none of the Army's business
where I've been.

I ain't wanted in this here territory.

No, you're not wanted for anything
in this territory yet, Mr. Cobb,

but we always have high hopes of
doing business with you in the future.

You too, Mr. Moon.

Now, do you mind if I ask
what you're hauling there?

None of your business.

Not true, Mr. Cobb.

Why, that could be rifles
for the Apaches, or whiskey.

Any manner of things.

Whose horses are these?

The one there is Mr. Moon's.
The other's mine. I bought him.

Who from?
- What difference does it make?

I asked, Mr. Cobb.
That's the difference.

I bought him from a man
named Malachi Morton.

Hm.

Mr. Morton sold you the saddle
and the saddle bags and all, did he?

Yeah. That's right.

Well,

sold you his razor too.

Looks like Mr. Morton went out
of business permanently, didn't he?

Now, then...

Uh-uh.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

I just knew, deep in my heart,

we'd be doing business together
one of these days.

I didn't steal that there big gun.
I bought it from Mr. Morton.

Now, a Gatling gun disappeared
from the federal arsenal in El Paso

four weeks ago. I figure that one is it.
What do you figure?

I didn't take it.

That's not the point, Mr. Cobb.
The point is that you've got it.

And I figure you and Mr. Moon here
for ten to 20 years in federal prison.

Hm?

Of course, I could just take the gun
from you and look the other way

while you two ride off
into the sunset.

What are you getting at?

I'm trying to find a man
named Baker.

I figure if there's anybody
in the territory can help me, it's you.

Why should I?

Ten to 20, Mr. Cobb.

Miss Dover MacBride?

Aye.

Baker sent me.

Whoa, mule. Whoa.

My sweet and loving brother,
Tommy,

who's looking after my interests
in the West.

Oh, you're a truly dependable sort,
Tommy.

And how's your health, Baker?

Glad to see you, Dover.

Are you now?

Years ago, when I was
but a wee lassie in Scotland,

the Americans came to town
with a traveling circus.

They called it
the Great Big Western Show.

It was all make-believe.

Just like you, Baker,

with your gun on your hip
and the devil in your heart.

Well, you're not being fair to me,
Dover.

I don't have the devil in my heart.

Do you have me in your heart, then?

You're the only woman
I ever think about.

Oh, if I believed that,
the United States government

should ship me back to Scotland
as an undesirable

due to mental incompetence.

Do you really believe
I could ever look at another woman?

I wasn't thinking about your looking,
Baker.

I was thinking about your touching
and your kissing and your hugging.

Men get fairer hearings at a crooked
poker game than they get from you.

I've missed you, Baker.

I've missed you because I love you.

Are you gonna marry with me
or are you not?

Of course, I am, Dover.

But my men,
they look to me and depend on me.

Aye. I have no doubt they look to you,
Baker, and depend on you too.

They look to you as the embodiment
of their own heathen ways

and depend on you
for the hair of the dog that bit them.

Nay, pack up, Baker.

For if you intend to marry with me,
it's back to the land that spawned you.

I couldn't say no to you doing
something big in your life,

but I have a life too,
and you best be remembering it.

You're not make-believe, lad.

You're not
the Great Big Western Show.

And with another brother like you,
Tommy,

I'd be out of the business
as a woman.

Aye.

One more week or else.

Or else what?

If you do not make arrangements
to join me in a week,

I'll be returning to Pittsburgh

and making my bed
with Angus MacNamara.

- Angus MacNamara?
- Aye.

You wouldn't do that to me...
You wouldn't shame me like that.

You've been away a long time,
Baker.

I'm a woman with a woman's feelings
and a woman's desires.

One more week and no more,

or it's back to Angus MacNamara,

that wee, small, gnat of a man
from Pittsburgh.

Come on.

Giddyap. Ha!

What a cruel woman she is.

What is it you want with Baker?

He's got something
that belongs to me.

And you want it back, huh?

Yes, I want it back.

Well, it must be valuable.

It is.

- Did he steal it?
- That's right.

There it is.
There's where you're gonna find him.

Mm-hm.

All right, Cobb, a deal's a deal.
You and Moon can go now.

Well, now, if it's all the same to you,
we'll just tag along.

No, I don't need you anymore, Cobb.
I don't want you.

Baker's got something for me, Morgan.
Soon as I get it, I'll leave.

You were heading for there
all the time, weren't you?

Bringing him the gun?

Now, what does he want
with a Gatling gun?

I never asked him.
None of my business.

Of course, if I was to make a guess,
I'd say he were planning...

- Something big.
- Heh, heh, heh.

Yeah. Something mighty big.

Senor MacBride.

Look.

- Baker, the big gun, it's coming and...
Luis, the big gun is here.

Now, you give Cobb and Moon every
chance to leave, and no bloodshed.

And get somebody
to get our Indian friends.

Goddamn it,
give me time to finish, laddie.

Colonel Morgan and Jesse is
with them.

- What?
- Aye.

It's all happening at once.
What do we do now?

Mr. Baker.

Mr. Baker, any minute now,

my husband is gonna come riding
over that hill.

All my female instincts want
to rush into his arms, but I won't.

Not only because of the horrible mess
you're in,

but because of you
and the way you've treated me,

like a lady.

I want you to have
that something big.

So I'll just go inside
while you settle it with Mr. Cobb.

But please, please be careful.

It's the devil demanding his due,
laddie.

I've been thinking about you,
colonel.

Have you?

I've been thinking about you too,
Baker.

I've been thinking about you
for days and days.

Yeah?
Well, I was just telling Tommy here...

Now, hold on, colonel.
It was all a mistake.

Now, if I'd have known...

Wait, now, you see, if you're gonna
fight, I don't wanna fight...

- Get out of the way.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, colonel, don't hit him again.
Let's talk about it.

Oh, Mary Anna.

- Donald.
- Oh, you look lovely.

What are you doing with that dog?
Whose dog is that?!

It's mine.

She hasn't been touched.
Nobody laid a hand on her.

Argh!

I was planning
on bringing her to you.

Ask her if you don't believe me.

Aah! It's enough, do you hear me?
Enough.

You're both just alike.

Has he taken advantage of you?

- No. He was gonna bring me to you.
Oh.

You got that there woman for me?

His wife?

Were you gonna give my wife
to him?

Look, colonel, me and you,
we don't have to fight again, do we?

- Yep.
- Donald...

Baker. You and me, we got a deal.

The big gun for a woman.

I don't get the woman,
you don't get the big gun.

Luis.

I got 20 guns
and they're all aimed at you.

So that ends your argument.
The big gun is mine.

No, hold on a minute now.
The gun is federal property.

- You can't have it.
- Let him have it.

Let him have it?
It's government property.

- I'm a colonel of the cavalry...
No, you're not.

- What?
- You were retired two days ago.

You have nothing to say
about that gun.

Let him have it.

Ah.

Ugh!
- Get off my wagon.

All right, men, we ride.

Giddyap.

Excuse me, Mary,
I'll just be a moment.

Where are you going, Cobb?

Just about as far away from here
as I can get.

I gotta have a woman.

What about your friend there?
You wanna bury him?

No.

Maybe something will come out
of the hills tonight and drag him off.

- All I wanted was a woman.
- Mm-hm.

Cobb.

It just happens that we know
about a couple of women.

On this side?

No, just over the border.

No, now, that don't help me
an awful lot, does it?

Well, I just thought I'd let you know.

What are you setting out here for,
mister?

I can't cross that there line.

Everybody wants to kill me.
There's a price on my head.

Unh!

Wait here.

What do you make of it, lad?

- Where are they?
I do not know.

You'd better find them, Luis,
because I'm about to get mad.

Si, that's Emilio Estevez.

Uh...

- No.
- Si, that is Emilio Estevez.

Tell me, you're not Emilio Estevez?

I am Brother Emilio Estevez.

The biggest bandit in Mexico?

Heh, heh, heh.
No. Those days are gone.

Those days are over, praise God.

Over?

I was once a man of great evil

and walked in the shadows
of wickedness.

But God, in his infinite mercy,
found me

and delivered me
into the garden of heaven.

Then there's no treasure?

See the lilies in the field,
how they grow?

They neither toil nor spin.

But even Solomon, in all his glory,
was never clothed like one of these.

This is our treasure, brother.

We share it with you.

No.

No.

Let's get out of here.

What kind of a mess are we in now?

I don't know,
but I wish I was back in the Army.

Here come your Indians.

This is a right pickle.
Us here and the gun down there.

Hey, they're leaving us.

Where they going?

They've used up your whiskey.

Get in between them
and head us out of here.

Hiyah!

Here he comes.
Here comes the gun.

We've done it. We've done it.

Baker! Baker!

We did it, laddie. We did it.

The gold. Where's the gold?

Where else?

There go the last of them.

Here it is, men.

Oh.

Look at that.

Nay, pack up, Baker.

For if you intend to marry with me,

it's back you go now
to the land that spawned you.

I couldn't say no to you doing
something big in your life,

but I have a life too,
and you best be remembering it now.

You're not make-believe, lad.

You're not
the G|reat Big Western Show.

No regrets?

Oh, no regrets, my dear. No.

It's not the end, you know.
It's the beginning.

Remember what I wrote you last year

about missing you so badly?

You said you would give your boots
and saddle

- to spend one night with me.
- Shh.

Well, I don't have
boots and saddle any longer.

- But all your nights.
- Heh, heh.

Present arms!

Thanks for my share, Joe.

Close ranks. Ho!

You've got a fine big man there,
Mrs. Morgan.

I think we're both fortunate,
Miss MacBride.

Aye, we are that.

Mind your step, my dear.

Be with you in a moment.

Now, Jesse, my replacement
will be here before long.

He's unfamiliar with the territory,

but I'm sure
with your able assistance, I...

I'll do everything I can to help him,
colonel.

Yes, I'm sure you will. God help him.

Now, sergeant, that's for you.

You drink it in good health
and may you be in heaven

a half hour before the devil knows
you're there. Heh, heh, heh.

- Goodbye, sergeant.
- Sir, I...

Here, here, here.
Get a grip on yourself, man.

You've been in the Army too long,
sergeant.

Entirely too long.

Column two, to the left!

Forward! Ho!

I'm still gonna write that letter!

You just see if I don't!

Finest light cavalry in the world.

It was a dark day
I humbled my poor body to you,

you great ape.

I love him.