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1
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:06,064
♪ I've got a secret place ♪
2
00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:08,691
♪ Known to none but me ♪
3
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,100
♪ And in my secret place ♪
4
00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:14,401
♪You can beg
and torture me ♪
5
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:16,839
♪ I wouldn't tell you
where to go ♪
6
00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:21,440
♪ 'Cause in my
secret place ,♪
7
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:25,006
♪ A secret place
A secret you know ♪
8
00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:31,521
♪ A secret place
A secret you know ♪♪
9
00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:26,340
You realize once we cut it off,
it won't grow back?
10
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:29,244
It isn't like hair or fingernails
or toenails,you know.
11
00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:32,614
What do you think I am,
some kind of idiot? I know that.
12
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,896
How about circumcision?
13
00:02:46,065 --> 00:02:47,965
It'd be cheaper.
14
00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:51,332
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's get it over with. Myra's waiting.
15
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:02,873
We'll have to blow up
your tits with silicone.
16
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,784
- I thought they used paraffin.
- No, that would make them inflammable.
17
00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:12,357
You don't want inflammable
tits, now, do you?
18
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:16,189
♪ I got a secret place ♪
19
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,560
- ♪ Known to none but me ♪
- Cleaver--
20
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:20,565
- I mean, scalpel.
-;And in my secret;
21
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,227
Well, I should think so.
22
00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:31,132
Well, wish me luck.
I’ve never clone one of these before.
23
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,577
;You can beg
and torture me ♪♪
24
00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:53,796
- You know American song?
25
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,631
Yes, I do. It's called
“You Gotta S-M-l-L-E.“
26
00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:15,499
[ Woman Narrating] I am Myra Breckinridge,
whom no man will ever possess...
27
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,728
the new woman whose
astonishing history...
28
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:19,737
started with
a surgeon's scalpel...
29
00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:22,433
and will end who knows where?
30
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,844
lust as Eve was born
from Adam's rib...
31
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,346
so Myron died
to give birth to Myra.
32
00:07:32,919 --> 00:07:35,717
“Did Myron take his own life?"
you will ask.
33
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:38,655
Yes and no is my answer.
34
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,226
Beyond that my lips are sealed.
35
00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:48,564
Let's it suffice for me to say
that Myron is with me...
36
00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:52,069
and that I am the fulfillment
of all his dreams.
37
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:57,903
Who is Myra Breckinridge?
What is she?
38
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,014
Myra Breckinridge is a dish.
39
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:05,311
And don't you ever forget it,
you-- [ Beep] fuckers...
40
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:08,148
as the children say nowadays.
41
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,985
Don't mother me.
42
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:17,792
It seems to be coming
this way.
43
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,138
[ Myra Narrating]
My purpose in coming to Hollywood...
44
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,732
is the destruction of the American male
in all its particulars...
45
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,743
starting with
my late husbands uncle...
46
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:36,372
the notorious Buck Loner,
who squats in unashamed luxury...
47
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:40,475
as the head of a dramatic school
in fashionable Westwood.
48
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,348
A tree!
49
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:50,862
An actor can learn from everything,
including a tree.
50
00:08:50,963 --> 00:08:55,059
You must learn to experience
the truth of a tree...
51
00:08:55,167 --> 00:09:00,195
to make it work for you,
to use it, to know its beauty.
52
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:03,571
This tree, goddamn it!
53
00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:10,847
“Ah, Myra baby, "
I say to myself...
54
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,748
“half of all of this
will soon be yours. "
55
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:23,219
Howdy Doody.
Come right on in, little lady.
56
00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:25,229
Take the weight off them
pretty little feet...
57
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:27,663
while I finish my last mile
back to the old corral.
58
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:31,760
So, you wanna be a star?
Mmm.
59
00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:35,932
It's a hard road.
And I feel I should say, “No, siree.“
60
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:41,480
But somethin'-- somethin' about you
tells me I should give you a chance.
61
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:45,950
What do you say? Can you take
the heartache and the torture...
62
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:49,488
and the heat of them
five-kilowatt lamps over at MGM?
63
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,319
From where I sit, I'd say you can.
64
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,861
I can see your name
in lights now.
65
00:09:55,962 --> 00:10:00,296
Fact is,you remind me of one of our former
successful students, a Miss Gloria Swanson.
66
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:04,130
- You've heard the name, I 'm sure.
- She was one of your students?
67
00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:06,727
You bet your sweet ass.
68
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:09,535
My students is always sayin',
“Uncle Buck, if it weren't for you...
69
00:10:09,642 --> 00:10:12,202
we'd still be warmin' that seat
back in Schwab's Drugstore.“
70
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:16,145
Really? I thought that was where
Lana Turner was discovered.
71
00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:20,048
Her too. Her too.
Well, I'll be goldurned.
72
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:23,553
You really done your homework.
Yes, little lady...
73
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:26,250
Lana Turner put her sweet little fanny
right where you're sitting now.
74
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:29,453
“ Lana,“ I says, “what say we put you
in a sweater and make a movie?“
75
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,759
- And we did.
76
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:35,732
- What's your name honey?
- Myra Breckinridge.
77
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:39,635
- That's a might long for--
78
00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:47,876
- Breckinridge?
79
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,416
Yes. I'm the widow
of your late nephew Myron...
80
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:53,485
and I've come to collect
a half a million dollars.
81
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,868
- You mean Gertrude's boy is dead?
- Irretrievably.
82
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:14,565
- I'm right sorry to hear that.
- Here.
83
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:19,941
I never knew Gertrude's boy had
such an eye for feminine pulchritude.
84
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:25,177
Oh, Mr. Loner, you're the only one
I have left to turn to.
85
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:29,243
You see, Myron
didn't leave me a penny.
86
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,482
Um, no insurance?
87
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,888
Safety-deposit box, maybe?
88
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:38,930
- No. I'm absolutely alone...
89
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,489
and penniless.
90
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:44,569
Mr. Loner...
91
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:49,733
Gertrude-- Myron's mother--
said to me with her dying breath...
92
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:54,040
“Myron, and you too, angel girl,
if anything should ever happen to me...
93
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:57,604
you just go to your Uncle Buck,
and you tell that son of a bitch--“
94
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,912
well, I 'm quoting now verbatim--
95
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:04,456
“that that property in Westwood
was left to us jointly by our father.
96
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:09,324
And you tell that bastard... [Sobs]
that I’ve got a copy of that will...
97
00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:12,056
and I want my share
to go to you, Myron...
98
00:12:12,164 --> 00:12:15,565
because that property must be worth
a good million dollars by now.“
99
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,966
Well, how about that?
100
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,506
I conclude he left
a last will and testament?
101
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:25,168
Yes, leaving the whole
of his estate to me.
102
00:12:25,277 --> 00:12:28,440
So, I suppose that
half this place must be mine.
103
00:12:28,547 --> 00:12:33,314
Um, well, you know somethin', Myra?
The school ain't doin' too good.
104
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,321
We can see it through together,
Uncle Buck, why, as partners.
105
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:42,793
Partners? Uh, now, look, Myra, I'm pleased as
all get out you come to cry on my shoulder...
106
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:46,160
seeing as life's kicked you in the horse trough,
and blood's thicker than sarsaparilla...
107
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:48,597
but I don't need no partners.
108
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:53,104
The price for my share has
just gone up another $ 700,000.
109
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:56,663
I'm sorry, Uncle, but I expected more from
the star of Wild Bill Last Roundup...
110
00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,473
and Cuckoo Calls in the Everglades,
but it seems I was wrong.
111
00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:02,945
Perhaps my lawyers will speak
a tongue you'll comprehend.
112
00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:06,575
Myra, Myra, Myra!
What a spit-lickin' horny toad I'd be...
113
00:13:06,685 --> 00:13:11,247
to let you walk out of here without makin' some
contribution to the family pork 'n' beans.
114
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:13,257
What kind of a contribution?
115
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,759
All this talk about lawyers
and settlements...
116
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,591
and wills and testaments
goes clean over my head...
117
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:20,562
our bein' kissin' kin and all.
118
00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:24,659
Well, I'd be overjoyed
if you'd share my vittles...
119
00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:26,738
and break bread with my wife,
Bobby Dean, and me.
120
00:13:26,839 --> 00:13:30,366
Only thing, she, uh, poisoned herself
on some homemade guacamole...
121
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,808
and she's laid up, like,
fora month or two.
122
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:36,313
I can tell there's Breckinridge
blood flowin' in them veins.
123
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:40,317
Do you think I'd throw the widow
of Gertrude's boy out in the clog patch?
124
00:13:43,689 --> 00:13:46,317
I am prepared to accept
a position here on the faculty.
125
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:49,189
I took the liberty of picking up
a brochure on the way in.
126
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:52,924
Posture and empathy should do nicely.
I'm eminently qualified to teach both.
127
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:56,433
- Say a thousand a month.
- Uh, posture and empathy...
128
00:13:56,535 --> 00:14:00,335
is a subject the students
badly need at 800 a month.
129
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,741
A thousand...
130
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,368
only on condition you don't tell the
other teachers how much you're gettin'.
131
00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:09,003
- You have my word, Uncle.
- "Uncle"?
132
00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:11,014
Uh, we're busy, Irving.
133
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:15,786
Is this your new masseuse?
134
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,721
My niece, Miss Myra Breckinridge,
who'll be teaching empathy and posture.
135
00:14:18,824 --> 00:14:21,884
Delicious!
How much you getting?
136
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,462
- A thousand a month.
- I know. It's shocking, isn't it?
137
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:29,865
Still, we all love it here. Nobody ever
leaves. I've been here for 14 years.
138
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:33,268
- What do you teach?
- I don't teach. I'm a student.
139
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:37,741
Teachers last as long as Brillo pads,
and students stay on forever and ever.
140
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:40,744
We try to build up the confidence of
the students so they don't wanna leave.
141
00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:42,871
That right?
That don't sound right.
142
00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:45,576
Of course. Who'd wanna
leave where he's happy?
143
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:48,312
Yeah, that's right. [Chuckling]
Yeah, that's right.
144
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:50,547
- That's terrible!
- Hold your horses, Myra.
145
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,386
I'm taking into account her
recent and most tragic loss.
146
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:55,392
- What did you lose, dear?
- Her husband.
147
00:14:55,494 --> 00:14:57,394
Careless.
148
00:14:57,496 --> 00:15:01,398
Irving, I 'm sure Miss Myra would
appreciate a tour around the old corral.
149
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,094
- Who dat?
- I'd ride with you, partner...
150
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,569
except my chiropractor's clue in
to fix my back.
151
00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:08,572
Oh, what's wrong with
your back? ls it fatal?
152
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:13,168
You sure got a sense of humor, Myra.
You ought to take it up professionally.
153
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:16,248
I bet around the country there's lots
of openings for your style of humor.
154
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,203
[ Myra on TV]
...homometic pantomime...
155
00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:47,109
in which he saw straight through the
strenuous clowning to the hard fact...
156
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:51,308
that American women are eager for men
to rape them and vice versa...
157
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:56,354
and that in every American, there is a strangler
longing to break a neck during orgasm.
158
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:59,015
What in hell
is that woman talkin' about?
159
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:02,582
During the decade between
1935 and 1945...
160
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:06,791
no unimportant film
was made in the United States.
161
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:10,164
During those years,
the entire range of human...
162
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:13,238
which is to say American,
legend was put on film.
163
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:16,831
Remind me to have my masseuse
come in at 5:00 instead of 6:00...
164
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:20,708
as I'm gettin' horny
watchin' my niece on TV.
165
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,101
[ Myron]...leave this place
and go into the real world?
166
00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:46,729
Oh, some of them leave, sure.
They have to get money to pay the fees.
167
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,364
It's very expensive.
168
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:52,035
- Is your name really Irving?
- Irving Amadeus.
169
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:54,942
- That's a Jewish name, isn't it?
- Yes, I know.
170
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:58,016
I used to be Jewish
before I was transmogrified.
171
00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:02,349
Now I just eat nuts and raisins
and play Scrabble with my guru.
172
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:06,015
...to today's class
on cinema lovemaking.
173
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:09,026
-On balling.
174
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,990
Just take off your clothes
and get in bed, dear.
175
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:16,499
Now we need a ballsy young man
for the lover.
176
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:18,763
- Come on.
177
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,840
And you are irate.
You're bugged.
178
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:24,773
You think that she is
the lowest slut, the worst.
179
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,869
You also want to, uh,
get in bed with her.
180
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:30,813
You hold these here.
You look into his eyes and say...
181
00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:35,148
“No, it's all your imagination. I've never
been to bed with any man. You're on drugs.“
182
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:39,554
- How could you do this to me, you bitch?
- lt's all your imagination.
183
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:42,559
- That's very good.
184
00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:45,630
- Maybe we should--
- Congratulations, Lance.
185
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:02,803
...here at the academy
are not interested in...
186
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,407
teaching the students
to be successful.
187
00:18:06,518 --> 00:18:09,783
We feel that it's
our responsibility to--
188
00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:11,913
But you're a fag, aren't you?
189
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:17,354
Well, uh-- What do you--
190
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,125
I don't know.
I mean, in the Baha'i faith--
191
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:22,962
You see, Uncle Buck is convinced
that group therapy and self-criticism...
192
00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:25,127
are the keys
to successful acting.
193
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,637
Personally, I think if everybody
ate macrobiotic foods...
194
00:18:27,739 --> 00:18:29,639
- there'd be no more wars.
- [Buck] Bitch!
195
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:31,732
I should've put it to her
when she first come in...
196
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,143
throwed her on her back and give her the old
Buck Loner special right there on the rug.
197
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:38,273
Goddamn smart-mouthed broad!
198
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,283
Memo to Flager and Flager,
attorneys.
199
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:44,549
Dear Charlie- Hmm, honey,
that feels real good.
200
00:18:44,656 --> 00:18:47,147
Uh, cut that.
Dear Charlie...
201
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,318
a problem's come up
on which I need your thinkin'.
202
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:55,230
Mm-hmm! A woman showed up today who says
she is the widow to my nephew Myron.
203
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:58,462
Now, this woman claims she has
a right to half my property...
204
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:01,061
which did at one time belong
to my sister Gertrude and me...
205
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:05,132
but is now mine, all mine,
if there's any justice in this world.
206
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:09,203
Now, Charlie, it's up to you to see
I get the best justice money can buy.
207
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:13,648
Honey, that is simply wonderful.
Hmm! Strike that.
208
00:19:13,752 --> 00:19:15,413
Not me. Flager.
209
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:19,890
Let's go inside and watch some of
the fundamentals of acting class.
210
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:29,061
He's dirty and greasy,
and I can? stand him!
211
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,433
He's always hitting on me in rehearsals
and grabbing and groping me.
212
00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:35,871
[Man] I want you to build
the vibe between you...
213
00:19:35,974 --> 00:19:41,037
by closing your eyes
and touching each other.
214
00:19:41,146 --> 00:19:43,376
I can't stand
to have this creep touch me!
215
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,973
Now we're getting someplace.
216
00:19:46,084 --> 00:19:48,848
Real honesty
for the first time.
217
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,392
[ Woman ]
What are you going to teach us?
218
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:39,800
Well, I've come to bring back
star quality.
219
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:45,070
You simply must understand that that
pseudoanalytical group therapy approach to acting...
220
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,805
may be all right
for naturalistic theater--
221
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:51,314
a quaint, amiable convention
with little or no significance...
222
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,316
- but it has little to do with--
- What?
223
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:56,353
[ Myra Narrating] In my posture class,
I was particularly struck...
224
00:20:56,455 --> 00:20:59,583
by one of the students,
a boy with a Polish name.
225
00:20:59,691 --> 00:21:03,457
From a certain unevenly rounded thickness
at the crotch of his blue jeans...
226
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:08,295
it is 522% to assume
that he is marvelously hung.
227
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,928
Unfortunately, he's hot for an extremely
pretty girl with long blonde hair.
228
00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:16,201
Dyed.
Beautiful legs and breasts.
229
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:18,208
Reminiscent of Lupe Velez.
230
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,744
She is mentally retarded.
231
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:25,977
He is probably just as stupid, but fortunately,
has the good sense not to talk too much.
232
00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:30,612
When he does, however, he puts on a
hillbilly accent that is so authentic...
233
00:21:30,722 --> 00:21:32,952
that I almost melt
in my drawers.
234
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:37,154
I didn't understand a word you said,
but whatever it was, I'm right with you.
235
00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:39,526
I'm certain that regular
attendance in my classes...
236
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:42,964
will help even the most
limited intelligence.
237
00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:46,196
Wait a minute. What you mean
by “limited intelligence“?
238
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,398
[Irving]
Myra, when you say that the cinema is-
239
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:53,410
- Howdy, kids! Howdy!
- Such a lovely man. A lovely man.
240
00:21:53,512 --> 00:21:56,879
I see you've all met Myra.
[ Laughs]
241
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,212
- How'; the boy Rusty?
- Great, Uncle Buck,just great.
242
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,786
Ah! Well.
how's the workouts comin'?
243
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:06,187
Great. I've been concentratin' on my lats
lately, and they're comin' along real nice.
244
00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:08,953
- Give us a flex, why don't you?
- Get it on, baby.
245
00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:12,030
Come on! A quickie.
246
00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:14,325
- Oh, wow, look at that, man!
- Oh, my goodness!
247
00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:16,958
- I've never seen anything like
that in all my life. -Great!
248
00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:20,732
- Beautiful.
- Great! Just great, great, great!
249
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,933
Great bunch of boys here. Of course,
you get the occasional weirdo.
250
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:26,840
- But greatest bunch of kids in Hollywood.
- Bread?
251
00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:28,845
I'm certain of that.
The drivel in their heads...
252
00:22:28,947 --> 00:22:31,006
must've been patiently
instilled by the faculty.
253
00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:34,882
Wait a minute. The faculty may be
a bunch of Commies and fags--
254
00:22:34,986 --> 00:22:38,854
no offense, lrving--
but they're all eminently qualified.
255
00:22:38,957 --> 00:22:40,857
[ Myra] Yes, as a dance act
for the Menninger Clinic...
256
00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:43,154
but their collective knowledge
could be inscribed on--
257
00:22:43,261 --> 00:22:46,059
I hope to see you all in class--
on the head of a pin.
258
00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:49,463
She's, um--
She's from New York.
259
00:22:51,570 --> 00:22:54,095
Myra! Myra!
260
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,674
Myra, I can't have you talking
like that in front of the kids.
261
00:22:56,775 --> 00:22:58,766
It'll shake their faith
in the school.
262
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:02,404
Nothing could shake the simple faith these
deluded bunnies have in you, Uncle Buck.
263
00:23:02,514 --> 00:23:04,641
I can't relate to her!
264
00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:06,650
You don't want to
make it with her, do you?
265
00:23:06,752 --> 00:23:10,586
Forget it. You don't have to worry
about her. She turns me off completely.
266
00:23:10,689 --> 00:23:14,090
I don't want to make any charges.
It may not be a conspiracy at all.
267
00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:17,218
Conspiracy? I should've known.
Every one of them is some kind of lefty.
268
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:20,492
I mean, man, I never heard
anybody rap like that, man.
269
00:23:20,599 --> 00:23:23,932
I mean, she just got right into it,
man, and rapped.
270
00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:27,266
I don't know.
She's weird, you know?
271
00:23:27,372 --> 00:23:30,136
I mean, I like her,
but she's weird.
272
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:34,508
I bet a couple of sessions in the old exercise
program would straighten her out pretty good.
273
00:23:34,613 --> 00:23:38,640
Old Buck Loner special would shape her
up real good. God knows she wants it.
274
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,241
Well,
275
00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:43,753
If it’s all the same
to you...
276
00:23:43,855 --> 00:23:45,823
I'll go and finish
my makeup.
277
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:06,810
Miss Van Allen
is on her way up.
278
00:24:18,056 --> 00:24:21,548
I'll be right with you, boys.
Get your resumés out.
279
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:27,356
Mmm. Got a big mob.
280
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,993
I'm a little tired today.
One of those guys will have to go.
281
00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:43,047
Well, there are four or five
with brown suits.
282
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:45,480
Oh, the brass buttons.
Yes, I see.
283
00:24:45,584 --> 00:24:48,109
Uh, she'll see you.
Yes, you.
284
00:24:59,798 --> 00:25:02,266
Mmm,yeah.
285
00:25:05,971 --> 00:25:09,930
You think a squealer
can get away from me?
286
00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,635
Huh?
287
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:15,770
You know what I do
to squealers?
288
00:25:15,881 --> 00:25:17,781
I let 'em have it in the belly.
289
00:25:17,883 --> 00:25:21,546
Well, I don't care about your credits
as long as you're oversexed.
290
00:25:21,653 --> 00:25:25,089
Oh, that's one
of my credits.
291
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,283
A bed.
292
00:25:27,392 --> 00:25:29,519
I never did see a bed
in an office before.
293
00:25:29,628 --> 00:25:33,689
Well, you see,
I do a lot of night work sometimes.
294
00:25:35,300 --> 00:25:38,098
Come here.
295
00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:43,773
Mmm.
296
00:25:45,944 --> 00:25:50,643
- Don't work any
harder than you have to for these blues.
297
00:25:50,749 --> 00:25:52,979
I won't.
298
00:26:04,462 --> 00:26:07,454
- How's this?
- Perfect.
299
00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,466
You impress me immensely.
300
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:12,503
I'll keep you in mind
as a summer replacement.
301
00:26:12,604 --> 00:26:14,504
Next.
302
00:26:31,056 --> 00:26:33,889
Well, the end of
another busy day.
303
00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:35,960
I can't wait till
I get back to bed.
304
00:26:36,061 --> 00:26:39,030
If that don? work,
I'll try and sleep.
305
00:26:39,130 --> 00:26:42,122
Mmm. Hi, cowboy.
306
00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:44,997
How tall are you
without your horse?
307
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:47,833
Well, ma'am,
I'm six feet, seven inches.
308
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:49,839
Well,
[Clears Throat]
309
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:52,466
Never mind
about the six feet.
310
00:26:52,577 --> 00:26:55,444
Let's talk about
the seven inches.
311
00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:29,445
Those were the days.
Spike Jones and his City Slickers...
312
00:27:29,547 --> 00:27:32,516
Ina Ray Hutton
and Her All-girl Band...
313
00:27:32,617 --> 00:27:34,812
and, of course,
the Andrews Sisters.
314
00:27:34,919 --> 00:27:37,820
Well, there'll never be
anyone like them.
315
00:27:38,923 --> 00:27:41,824
The decline in our music
saddens me...
316
00:27:41,926 --> 00:27:44,486
nearly as much as
the decline in our films.
317
00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:47,064
I have never heard
of any of these people.
318
00:27:48,366 --> 00:27:50,732
But my dear,
they were unique.
319
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:52,735
Truly mythic.
320
00:27:52,837 --> 00:27:56,500
Why, the Andrews Sisters
really did roll out that barrel...
321
00:27:56,608 --> 00:27:59,475
and no one yet
has ever rolled it back.
322
00:27:59,577 --> 00:28:03,274
Do you know, Mary Ann,
that if you worked very hard...
323
00:28:03,381 --> 00:28:08,751
it's possible that you might achieve a voice
something like that of the late La Verne.
324
00:28:08,853 --> 00:28:11,014
Oh, thank you, Myra.
325
00:28:11,122 --> 00:28:13,647
But I'm just studying at the academy
to be with Rusty.
326
00:28:13,758 --> 00:28:17,717
- I just wanna get married
and settle down. - [ Scoffs]
327
00:28:17,829 --> 00:28:21,697
- To fulfill yourself as a woman, no doubt.
328
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,793
Well, yes.
I mean, it's only natural.
329
00:28:25,904 --> 00:28:30,364
Natural?
Oh, my dear Mary Ann...
330
00:28:30,475 --> 00:28:32,807
don't you realize that--
331
00:28:32,911 --> 00:28:35,709
Well--
332
00:28:35,814 --> 00:28:37,714
Never mind.
333
00:28:37,816 --> 00:28:39,579
It's getting late.
We have a big day tomorrow.
334
00:28:39,684 --> 00:28:41,584
We'll talk about it
another time.
335
00:28:41,686 --> 00:28:44,280
- Well--
- Yes, my dear?
336
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:46,357
- But, um--
- Mm-hmm?
337
00:28:46,458 --> 00:28:48,358
But we haven't talked
about Rusty.
338
00:28:48,460 --> 00:28:50,360
Oh, that.
339
00:28:50,462 --> 00:28:53,829
Don't you worry your pretty little head.
I have that well in hand.
340
00:28:53,932 --> 00:28:55,991
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
341
00:28:56,101 --> 00:28:58,001
Bye-bye.
342
00:29:03,341 --> 00:29:05,935
Well! Did you hear her?
343
00:29:06,044 --> 00:29:08,137
Never even heard
of the Andrews Sisters.
344
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:11,511
I scarcely dared mention Ella Mae Morse
and the “Cow-Cow Boogie.“
345
00:29:11,616 --> 00:29:14,380
I Myron] I must say you showed
remarkable restraint.
346
00:29:14,486 --> 00:29:17,478
And four children.
It's not enough that she and that ape...
347
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:21,081
merely want to reproduce themselves,
she wants to have four!
348
00:29:21,192 --> 00:29:24,650
Half the world is starving now, and if
population continues at the present rate--
349
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:28,961
I know, I know.
Famine by 1974.
350
00:29:29,067 --> 00:29:31,331
And you can forget
about plankton and seaweed...
351
00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:33,734
because there's not gonna be
enough of that to go around.
352
00:29:33,838 --> 00:29:38,138
Oh! I've heard this speech
so many times.
353
00:29:39,511 --> 00:29:41,411
Your goal is--
354
00:29:41,513 --> 00:29:45,244
My goal is the destruction of the last
vestigial traces of traditional manhood.
355
00:29:45,350 --> 00:29:47,147
- In order to--
- Realign the sexes--
356
00:29:47,252 --> 00:29:49,447
- While--
- Decreasing population--
357
00:29:49,554 --> 00:29:51,920
- Thus--
- Increasing human happiness.
358
00:29:52,023 --> 00:29:56,926
- And--
- Preparing humanity for its next stage.
359
00:29:57,028 --> 00:30:00,930
Bravo. Also... bullshit.
360
00:30:01,032 --> 00:30:03,592
- Would you care to explain that?
- Gladly.
361
00:30:03,701 --> 00:30:06,568
I thought we were gonna invite Mary Ann
here tonight so that we could talk.
362
00:30:06,671 --> 00:30:09,572
Oh, never mind!
363
00:30:09,674 --> 00:30:13,269
I make all your fantasies come true, and
then all you say is I make everything nasty!
364
00:30:13,378 --> 00:30:16,006
Well, I'm doing
everything I can!
365
00:30:19,050 --> 00:30:23,453
I'll give you Mary Ann
if you want and... Rusty...
366
00:30:23,555 --> 00:30:25,785
and Leticia Van Allen.
367
00:30:25,890 --> 00:30:28,518
The only person I can't deliver
is Buck Loner.
368
00:30:28,626 --> 00:30:30,753
He's a real piece of history.
369
00:30:30,862 --> 00:30:34,696
- Will you stop it?
370
00:30:34,799 --> 00:30:37,529
Oh, you behave
like a real child.
371
00:30:37,635 --> 00:30:40,695
Forgive me.
372
00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:49,812
I just wanna make you happy.
373
00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:54,250
That's all.
374
00:31:00,959 --> 00:31:03,985
Myra will take care
of everything.
375
00:31:04,095 --> 00:31:06,188
You'll see.
376
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:26,078
- Oh, yes, Myra.
377
00:31:27,619 --> 00:31:29,849
I didn't mean to criticize.
378
00:31:33,424 --> 00:31:35,324
I forgive you.
379
00:31:37,829 --> 00:31:39,729
I forgive you.
380
00:31:39,831 --> 00:31:41,765
Good morning.
381
00:31:41,866 --> 00:31:45,927
I'm your typical sun
and fun-loving California sweetheart.
382
00:31:46,037 --> 00:31:51,475
We have here a fine selection
of all of your favorite treats.
383
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:54,136
-“F“ is for French fry.
384
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:56,907
- “P“ is for pizza.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
385
00:31:57,015 --> 00:31:58,915
“P“ is for pretzel.
386
00:31:59,017 --> 00:32:01,281
- Oh, “A“ is for apple.
387
00:32:01,386 --> 00:32:03,411
I almost forgot.
There's me.
388
00:32:03,521 --> 00:32:05,921
Would you like
this banana?
389
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:10,026
And me?
390
00:32:10,128 --> 00:32:12,961
Oh. Open wide.
391
00:32:13,064 --> 00:32:15,032
Isn't that good?
392
00:32:15,133 --> 00:32:17,033
Let me see.
393
00:32:17,135 --> 00:32:19,035
Some peanut butter.
394
00:32:19,137 --> 00:32:23,005
Would you like some peanut butter?
With a little jelly?
395
00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:25,200
With some whipped cream?
396
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:31,749
Mmm!
397
00:32:31,849 --> 00:32:33,840
So good.
398
00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:37,888
- “H”is for hot dog.
399
00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:45,493
It's so good!
400
00:32:45,596 --> 00:32:48,224
And a big glass of milk!
401
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,666
Now maybe some chicken.
402
00:33:04,849 --> 00:33:07,147
Johnny Weissmuller,
the zaftig Tarzan...
403
00:33:07,251 --> 00:33:11,915
still provides the last word on soft
man's relationship to hard environment.
404
00:33:12,023 --> 00:33:17,359
- And Tarzan and the Amazons, 1945,
he was-- - Tarzan and the Amazons?
405
00:33:17,462 --> 00:33:19,453
You mean you like that?
406
00:33:19,564 --> 00:33:21,657
As I've just indicated,
it was a masterpiece.
407
00:33:21,766 --> 00:33:25,702
But it's trash. I mean,
there isn't a single moment of truth.
408
00:33:25,803 --> 00:33:29,330
I mean, it'; not, uh, real.
409
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:32,273
Whatever “real“ means.
ls that necessarily good?
410
00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:34,572
Could the real Christ
have possessed a fraction...
411
00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:39,946
of the radiance of H. B. Warner in the first
King of Kings or Jeffrey Hunter in the second?
412
00:33:47,825 --> 00:33:49,759
Heavy, heavy.
413
00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:52,421
At any rate,
back to johnny Weissmuller...
414
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:54,623
who swung out of the trees
and into our hearts...
415
00:33:54,732 --> 00:33:57,826
with his leading lady--
416
00:33:57,935 --> 00:34:01,462
- Brenda Joyce.
- Brenda Joyce.
417
00:34:01,572 --> 00:34:04,803
The only contemporary figure
we can point to is James Bond...
418
00:34:04,909 --> 00:34:09,073
- who invariably ends up with a blowtorch
aimed at his crotch. - Miss Breckinridge.
419
00:34:09,180 --> 00:34:12,172
- Ah, Uncle Buck.
- May I have a word with you?
420
00:34:12,283 --> 00:34:15,616
- I'm in the middle of a class.
- It'll only take a minute.
421
00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:20,323
All right.
This won't take long.
422
00:34:20,425 --> 00:34:22,655
Miss Breckinridge...
423
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,628
what you're doing here is downright
unwholesome, underminin' all my good work.
424
00:34:30,501 --> 00:34:32,401
Do you think lying to people
is good for them?
425
00:34:32,503 --> 00:34:36,599
Do you think telling someone who's got cancer
he doesn't need the operation is right to do?
426
00:34:36,707 --> 00:34:39,835
Well, if he's had the operation
and the case is terminal...
427
00:34:39,944 --> 00:34:41,969
why, you'd want him
to be happy, wouldn't ya?
428
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:45,811
- Have the happiest frame of mind?
- I can only conclude that you agree.
429
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:48,943
What you have assembled here are the
national dregs, the misfits and neurotics.
430
00:34:49,053 --> 00:34:51,783
- In short, the fuck ups of our culture.
- That ain't so.
431
00:34:51,889 --> 00:34:55,290
They are the carefully selected
candidates for future stardom.
432
00:34:55,393 --> 00:34:58,157
- Bullshit! - You can't talk
to me like that, young lady.
433
00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:00,162
I'll have you out of here
so fast, your hair'll curl.
434
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:04,360
You just try it, and I'll take this place
away from you lock, stock and empathy class!
435
00:35:04,469 --> 00:35:07,666
You watch your step. As for taking
this place away from me, why--
436
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,935
I don't even know whether, uh,
that man you claimed you married--
437
00:35:11,042 --> 00:35:13,476
that fag son of a bitch--
438
00:35:13,578 --> 00:35:16,012
you was ever even really
married to that fag!
439
00:35:19,417 --> 00:35:22,944
That, students, was a classic stage slap
delivered so as to give the impression...
440
00:35:23,054 --> 00:35:25,284
that the subject has been hit
very hard in the mouth.
441
00:35:25,389 --> 00:35:30,952
It was first developed by Patricia
Collinge in The Little Foxes, 1941.
442
00:35:31,062 --> 00:35:33,963
Oh. Thank you for
the demonstration, Uncle Buck.
443
00:35:44,909 --> 00:35:48,345
Hello, Miss Van Allen. I thought this
was your car. Anything I can do for you?
444
00:35:48,446 --> 00:35:50,437
Come to think of it, yes.
445
00:35:50,548 --> 00:35:53,745
There's a car been following me
for quite some time.
446
00:35:53,851 --> 00:35:57,048
- Want me to bust him?
- No. Introduce him.
447
00:35:57,155 --> 00:36:01,387
Oh, and don't forget to remind me
of the policeman's balls--
448
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:03,392
I mean, the police show.
449
00:36:06,864 --> 00:36:09,424
I wish to see
Signorina van Allen.
450
00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:13,493
- I have a message for her I bring
from Italy. - Your name, please?
451
00:36:13,604 --> 00:36:19,133
Mario Giuseppe Leonardo
Guastaferro Stinginate Pastriani.
452
00:36:19,243 --> 00:36:21,143
Have a seat.
453
00:36:37,328 --> 00:36:39,387
I'll be right with you, boys.
454
00:36:39,497 --> 00:36:42,762
There's enough for all of you.
jobs, I mean.
455
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:45,131
Leticia, bellissima.
456
00:36:45,236 --> 00:36:48,501
Well, what do you know?
The pizza man. When do you deliver?
457
00:36:48,606 --> 00:36:50,836
Signorina, at last I find you.
458
00:36:50,942 --> 00:36:53,467
Find me? Why,
I'm in the Yellow Pages.
459
00:36:53,578 --> 00:36:57,605
Federico Fellini, the great director,
tell me to look you up.
460
00:36:57,715 --> 00:37:01,048
Oh, Fellini.
Oh, yes.
461
00:37:01,152 --> 00:37:03,052
He's my friend.
462
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:06,789
Mmm.
463
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,724
Did he say look me up
or eat me up?
464
00:37:11,262 --> 00:37:13,162
No pinching.
465
00:37:13,264 --> 00:37:17,166
Beautiful one, you are the reason
I come so far from Italy.
466
00:37:17,268 --> 00:37:19,168
I could not stand it no more.
467
00:37:19,270 --> 00:37:21,670
Ever since
I see your pictures...
468
00:37:21,772 --> 00:37:23,672
I hear your record...
469
00:37:23,774 --> 00:37:25,674
lam in love with you.
470
00:37:25,776 --> 00:37:29,041
Hundreds of women have
thrown themselves at my feet...
471
00:37:29,146 --> 00:37:31,273
but I love only you.
472
00:37:31,382 --> 00:37:35,614
-I am on fire for you.
- Oh, I'll put your fire out.
473
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:38,120
Now, what can I do for you,
as if I didn't know?
474
00:37:38,222 --> 00:37:40,122
I don't look for job.
475
00:37:42,226 --> 00:37:44,421
- I look for love.
- Mmm.
476
00:37:44,528 --> 00:37:47,088
I look for you.
To be with you.
477
00:37:47,198 --> 00:37:49,291
To make love with you.
478
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,198
This is too much
too soon.
479
00:37:52,303 --> 00:37:55,898
In my country,
to wait for love...
480
00:37:56,007 --> 00:37:58,271
is to burn by inches.
481
00:37:58,376 --> 00:38:00,844
Ooh, you've got it
all measured out.
482
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:06,440
When Mario makes love,
the bird sing, the bells ring.
483
00:38:06,550 --> 00:38:08,609
And everything swings.
484
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,847
You're the wildest salesman
since Columbus.
485
00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:15,858
Columbus,
he was a good lover too.
486
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:19,862
Yeah, I know-a.
He raise-a the hell-a with Isabella.
487
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,202
Arrivederci.
488
00:38:31,108 --> 00:38:34,043
Hmm, hundreds of broads
at his feet.
489
00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:36,045
Get a test on this guy.
490
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,206
- A screen test?
- No.
491
00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:40,216
A blood test.
492
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,218
- [Horse Whinnies ]
- Good morning, Uncle Buck.
493
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,413
I have information here
regarding...
494
00:38:44,522 --> 00:38:47,355
a certain mutual acquaintance
named Breckinridge.
495
00:38:47,458 --> 00:38:50,427
- Stand up when a lady comes into the room,
you son of a bitch. - [ Whip Cracks]
496
00:38:50,528 --> 00:38:55,397
My dearly departed kinsman was
never married no how, no place...
497
00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:57,831
not to you nor nobody.
498
00:38:57,935 --> 00:38:59,835
You think you’re pretty clever,
don't you?
499
00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:02,405
Smarter than a flea in a feather bed.
500
00:39:02,506 --> 00:39:05,373
- You make me sad, Uncle, really sad.
501
00:39:05,476 --> 00:39:07,876
I believe you misunderstand
my meanin', Myra.
502
00:39:07,978 --> 00:39:10,776
You're out.
The con game didn't work.
503
00:39:10,881 --> 00:39:15,818
There's no record of any Myron Breckinridge
being married in the whole United States.
504
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,445
- Nowhere in the United States, hmm?
- That's right.
505
00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:20,456
Do you know why
that might be?
506
00:39:20,558 --> 00:39:23,254
American Airlines
has ten regular flights a day.
507
00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:26,057
I'd be glad to pay
your fare back home.
508
00:39:26,163 --> 00:39:29,428
No record of my marriage to Myron
exists in any of the United States...
509
00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:32,627
for the excellent reason
that we were married in Mexico.
510
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:37,640
“ Monterrey.“
511
00:40:10,908 --> 00:40:12,808
It's a goddamn disgrace,
Buck.
512
00:40:12,910 --> 00:40:15,970
A man can't take his family to the movies
without seeing some kind of filth.
513
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,241
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Now, listen, Charlie.
514
00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:21,841
You gotta get this bitch off my neck.
She's making my life a living hell.
515
00:40:21,952 --> 00:40:23,852
Maybe you could
plant drugs on her.
516
00:40:23,954 --> 00:40:25,945
I mean filth, Buck!
517
00:40:26,056 --> 00:40:29,253
I saw this picture where
people were fornicating.
518
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,228
- Fornicating!
- You mean, uh, really doing it?
519
00:40:33,330 --> 00:40:36,959
God's honest truth, Buck. I've seen it
three times, and I tell you--
520
00:40:37,067 --> 00:40:38,967
Hoo-hoo! Three times?
521
00:40:39,069 --> 00:40:41,162
You gotta know your enemy
if you’re gonna beat them.
522
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:44,605
It's sick. What is
this business coming to?
523
00:40:44,708 --> 00:40:46,938
Destroying the moral fibers
of this country
524
00:40:55,986 --> 00:40:57,886
Corrupting our youth.
525
00:40:57,988 --> 00:41:01,082
I've seen things, Buck,
that would turn your stomach.
526
00:41:01,192 --> 00:41:04,628
It's not your basic naked women
or the fornication.
527
00:41:04,728 --> 00:41:09,427
It's the fags, the dykes
and every kind of perversion.
528
00:41:10,734 --> 00:41:12,634
Banana split.
529
00:41:12,736 --> 00:41:14,795
With nuts?
530
00:41:14,972 --> 00:41:17,304
The reason he doesn't
want to take Nancy to the prom...
531
00:41:17,408 --> 00:41:20,900
is that he thinks
he has the clap...
532
00:41:21,011 --> 00:41:24,208
and he knows that
she wants to ball him...
533
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:26,681
and he's afraid
that he will.
534
00:41:26,784 --> 00:41:30,311
I mean, it's a real
selfless act, you know?
535
00:41:47,171 --> 00:41:50,072
- Bang, bang!
- Fuck off.
536
00:41:51,308 --> 00:41:53,936
- [Myra] Come in, Rusty.
537
00:41:57,448 --> 00:42:00,383
Make yourself at home,
such as it is.
538
00:42:00,484 --> 00:42:03,510
Oh, Uncle Buck really did
himself proud this time.
539
00:42:03,621 --> 00:42:07,955
Of course, [Chuckles]
I'm only kissin' kin and all.
540
00:42:08,058 --> 00:42:10,856
Recently, Mary Ann was telling me
that I...
541
00:42:10,961 --> 00:42:13,225
Have a tendency
to pick on you.
542
00:42:13,330 --> 00:42:15,992
Yeah, you sure do.
543
00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:19,695
Oh. Well, if I spend
my valuable time on you...
544
00:42:19,803 --> 00:42:22,704
it's because I feel you have
a glimmer of potential talent...
545
00:42:22,806 --> 00:42:24,706
and I'm trying to help you
walk like normal people.
546
00:42:24,808 --> 00:42:27,606
Look at the way you're leaning
to one side right now.
547
00:42:27,711 --> 00:42:30,236
You obviously have
a physical problem.
548
00:42:30,347 --> 00:42:32,440
Mary Ann told me
about your back.
549
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:36,008
I broke four ribs, and even so,
I finished the last half
550
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,918
Very admirable, I'm sure. If you
don't mind, I'd like you to stand up...
551
00:42:39,023 --> 00:42:42,254
and walk over to the door first,
and then back here to me.
552
00:42:45,029 --> 00:42:46,929
Oh, shit.
553
00:42:47,031 --> 00:42:48,931
I'm sorry. I missed that.
What was that again?
554
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:55,004
Rusty...
555
00:42:55,105 --> 00:42:58,472
it's been my experience in the past,
in problems like yours...
556
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:01,136
that it sometimes helps
if you dance.
557
00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:03,338
Imagine you're listening...
558
00:43:03,447 --> 00:43:06,211
to the big sound
of Glenn Miller.
559
00:43:09,153 --> 00:43:11,087
You can keep time
by snapping your fingers.
560
00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:17,193
-I feel silly.
-Turn around.
561
00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:36,110
You know, all you really need is something
to remind you to-- to stand straight.
562
00:43:36,213 --> 00:43:39,512
Now, tell me, where were
the ribs broken, Rusty?
563
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:44,350
Four was busted right here, which is why
I'm kind of pulled over to this side.
564
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:46,685
Uh, let me see.
565
00:43:47,791 --> 00:43:50,521
- Uh, like this?
566
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:53,222
No, I want to see your back.
Take off your shirt.
567
00:43:53,330 --> 00:43:57,858
But there's nothing to see. I mean, all of
the ribs are inside me that were broken.
568
00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:00,698
I know where ribs are,
Rusty...
569
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:05,036
but I want to see the exact point
where the muscle is pulling.
570
00:44:24,762 --> 00:44:26,662
Oh, your T-shirt too.
571
00:44:26,764 --> 00:44:29,232
Haven't got X-ray eyes.
572
00:44:36,306 --> 00:44:40,538
Well, you certainly are
in good condition, Rusty.
573
00:44:40,644 --> 00:44:42,544
Well, I work out some.]
574
00:44:42,646 --> 00:44:44,841
- Not like I ought to or used to.
575
00:44:44,948 --> 00:44:47,849
Yes. Would you face the wall
with your arms at your side...
576
00:44:47,951 --> 00:44:50,613
hands pressed very flat
against the wall?
577
00:44:58,262 --> 00:45:00,730
Now...
578
00:45:00,831 --> 00:45:03,800
- hands flat against the wall! - But
Miss Myra,you're jerking my pants down!
579
00:45:03,901 --> 00:45:06,529
Will you do as I say?
580
00:45:06,637 --> 00:45:11,165
Now, I believe the problem is a little
lower down, around the small of the back.
581
00:45:11,275 --> 00:45:13,903
I'd say around
the lumbar region.
582
00:45:14,011 --> 00:45:16,479
- Aha! Gotcha!
- Yeah, okay.
583
00:46:01,358 --> 00:46:05,590
- Hell 's Angels.
584
00:46:05,696 --> 00:46:07,789
Okay, I'm a movie.
Who am I?
585
00:46:07,898 --> 00:46:09,832
How Green Was My Valley.
586
00:48:13,690 --> 00:48:15,590
Remind me to start takin'
diet pills again.
587
00:48:15,692 --> 00:48:17,592
The zipper keeps
gettin' strung.
588
00:48:21,765 --> 00:48:24,598
- Yeah? - [Woman] Miss Van Allen's
car just came through the gate.
589
00:48:24,701 --> 00:48:26,601
Goddamn!
590
00:48:28,939 --> 00:48:31,703
Ah, Mary Ann,
I've been meaning to tell you...
591
00:48:31,808 --> 00:48:35,744
I'm seriously considering
recommending you to Leticia Van Alien.
592
00:48:35,846 --> 00:48:38,906
- Thanks. - Well, you don't
sound too pleased about it.
593
00:48:39,016 --> 00:48:42,918
You make me feel as though I’ve
just announced a plague of locusts.
594
00:48:43,020 --> 00:48:45,352
What's the matter,
Mary Ann?
595
00:48:45,455 --> 00:48:47,355
Is it Rusty?
596
00:48:47,457 --> 00:48:49,618
Can I do anything
to help?
597
00:48:49,726 --> 00:48:52,320
Oh, Myra,
I'm so worried about him.
598
00:48:52,429 --> 00:48:55,091
Oh, there, there.
599
00:49:02,239 --> 00:49:04,434
Busted?
600
00:49:04,541 --> 00:49:08,136
The first time wasn't his fault at all,
but he was on parole.
601
00:49:08,245 --> 00:49:11,305
This time,
they'll really put him away.
602
00:49:11,415 --> 00:49:14,646
Nonsense. They'll do nothing
of the kind. You just leave that to me.
603
00:49:14,751 --> 00:49:17,276
Why? ls there something
you can do?
604
00:49:17,387 --> 00:49:20,845
- Why, of course, my clear.
lt's only the law. -
605
00:49:20,958 --> 00:49:25,588
- Ah, Leticia Van Allen. - The kids
and I sure appreciate these visits...
606
00:49:25,696 --> 00:49:27,596
particularly the scholarship boys.
607
00:49:27,698 --> 00:49:29,689
By the way, speaking
of the scholarship fund--
608
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,065
They say she goes to bed
with all the actors she represents.
609
00:49:33,170 --> 00:49:35,229
Oh, Fl! talk about that another time.
610
00:49:35,339 --> 00:49:39,173
Yes. She must be
a marvelous woman.
611
00:49:39,276 --> 00:49:43,736
I think all the gay boys
are gonna take the business over.
612
00:49:43,847 --> 00:49:46,213
There's no more
studs around anymore.
613
00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:50,184
Everyone's popping pills
and smoking grass.
614
00:49:50,287 --> 00:49:52,187
- Oh, Miss Van Allen?
-Yes?
615
00:49:52,289 --> 00:49:54,348
This is Miss Breckinridge,
who'll be with us teachin'...
616
00:49:54,458 --> 00:49:58,292
until she goes back East
on or before September 3.
617
00:49:58,395 --> 00:50:02,195
Permit me to say that you are the only
brain comparable to my late husband's.
618
00:50:02,299 --> 00:50:06,235
Ooh, I appreciate that, honey,
but what did your late husband do?
619
00:50:06,336 --> 00:50:08,770
He wrote books
about the movies.
620
00:50:08,872 --> 00:50:12,501
- Oh. Was he gay?
- Ostensibly he was Americana--
621
00:50:12,609 --> 00:50:17,569
a terelyne-hosed chick-baller from East
57th Street, but underneath it all--
622
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:20,115
He was gay.
Sit down, honey.
623
00:50:20,217 --> 00:50:22,378
You sound like a good agent.
624
00:50:22,486 --> 00:50:26,582
You see, Miss Van Allen,
Uncle Buck and I deal in myths.
625
00:50:26,690 --> 00:50:30,558
And movie stars are like
gods and goddesses.
626
00:50:30,660 --> 00:50:33,220
When one fades,
another promptly takes its place...
627
00:50:33,330 --> 00:50:37,266
because the human race requires
that the pantheon always be filled.
628
00:50:37,367 --> 00:50:39,892
And you and I must seek out
the glittering few...
629
00:50:40,003 --> 00:50:44,303
that are the new stars
of our race reborn!
630
00:50:44,408 --> 00:50:49,641
That is the damnedest thing
lever heard... about this business.
631
00:50:49,746 --> 00:50:53,944
You have all the kinky angles that
are in right now. What about studs?
632
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:55,951
Heaven.
633
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,715
I mean, have you any
that I don't know about?
634
00:50:58,822 --> 00:51:00,949
Uh, only one that's really
“A“ material.
635
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:03,993
I know you'd like him.
He's our pride and joy.
636
00:51:04,094 --> 00:51:08,428
He's the last stronghold of masculinity
in this Disneyland of perversion.
637
00:51:08,532 --> 00:51:11,831
He looks like he's got quite a lot
going for him. What's his name?
638
00:51:11,935 --> 00:51:15,996
- Rusty Godowsky. - I ain't sure these kids
should try to walk before they can run.
639
00:51:16,106 --> 00:51:19,701
- Anyway, Rusty's been busked.
- [Leticia ] Arrested for what?
640
00:51:19,810 --> 00:51:23,678
Violation of parole.
Perhaps you could help.
641
00:51:23,780 --> 00:51:25,680
I'll look into it.
642
00:51:25,782 --> 00:51:27,841
I have a judge by the--
643
00:51:27,951 --> 00:51:29,851
Oh, Leticia...
644
00:51:29,953 --> 00:51:32,979
they don't call you “Queen of
the Casting Couch“ for nothing.
645
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:36,958
From what I understand, they're
voting me a special Academy Award.
646
00:51:37,060 --> 00:51:39,290
- An Oscar?
- No.
647
00:51:39,396 --> 00:51:41,864
A golden phallus.
648
00:51:41,965 --> 00:51:45,526
And let me tell you, someday we'll
have our own stable of studs.
649
00:51:45,635 --> 00:51:49,127
A steady stream
of sturdy studs.
650
00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:52,902
A boy bank,
where credit is always good.
651
00:51:53,009 --> 00:51:55,807
Sort of a lay-a-day plan.
652
00:51:55,912 --> 00:51:59,678
- God bless America!
- God help America.
653
00:51:59,783 --> 00:52:02,650
A lay a clay.
Mmm.
654
00:52:02,752 --> 00:52:06,347
That reminds me.
I simply must go.
655
00:52:06,456 --> 00:52:08,356
Identical twins.
656
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:10,688
I'm the only one
that knows the difference.
657
00:52:10,794 --> 00:52:15,163
Yeah. Get me
judge Frederic D. Cannon.
658
00:52:15,265 --> 00:52:17,233
Keep ringing
the judge's chambers.
659
00:52:17,334 --> 00:52:20,394
He sleeps there
between sessions.
660
00:52:20,504 --> 00:52:22,529
Never mind howl know.
661
00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:29,369
No nation can long endure
the onslaught of godless Communism...
662
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:32,710
which permeates the very warp
and woof of Southern California.
663
00:52:32,816 --> 00:52:36,274
Eternal alertness to what your neighbor
is up to is the price of freedom.
664
00:52:36,386 --> 00:52:39,651
Miss Breckinridge,
keep your eye on him at all times.
665
00:52:39,756 --> 00:52:42,247
And remember...
666
00:52:42,359 --> 00:52:45,886
the Commies will use every
infernal device known to man...
667
00:52:45,996 --> 00:52:49,397
to worm their way into
our churches and supermarkets...
668
00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:51,399
which is why...
669
00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:55,699
only the National Rifle Association
stands between a free America...
670
00:52:55,805 --> 00:52:57,705
and a Communist takeover.
671
00:52:57,807 --> 00:53:02,403
With this in mind, we may yet curb
the lawlessness and degenerate values...
672
00:53:02,512 --> 00:53:04,412
as expressed by the Kremlin...
673
00:53:04,514 --> 00:53:06,539
and upheld...
674
00:53:06,650 --> 00:53:10,609
by the Supreme Court
of the United States.
675
00:53:10,720 --> 00:53:13,245
Well, thank you, sir.
Come along, Rusty.
676
00:54:39,643 --> 00:54:41,110
- Say, Ollie?
- What?
677
00:54:41,211 --> 00:54:43,111
What time is it?
678
00:54:43,213 --> 00:54:46,478
- It's nearly half past.
- Thank you, Ollie.
679
00:55:13,076 --> 00:55:15,442
Ladies and gentlemen...
680
00:55:15,545 --> 00:55:18,105
we take great pleasure
in presenting to you...
681
00:55:18,214 --> 00:55:20,808
the world-famous
recording star...
682
00:55:20,917 --> 00:55:23,545
Miss Leticia Van Allen...
683
00:55:23,653 --> 00:55:25,951
- and the Van Allen Dancers.
684
00:55:34,564 --> 00:55:38,227
Hell, jail wouldn't be so bad
if it wasn't for all those faggots.
685
00:55:38,335 --> 00:55:41,429
There's always
some fruit after you.
686
00:55:41,538 --> 00:55:44,974
That shouldn't bother you, Rusty.
687
00:55:45,075 --> 00:55:47,043
Well, the whole idea
makes me wanna puke.
688
00:55:47,143 --> 00:55:50,135
A man should act like a man.
Know what l mean?
689
00:55:50,246 --> 00:55:51,873
Look out, baby!
690
00:55:51,981 --> 00:55:54,609
- How should a man act?
691
00:55:57,253 --> 00:55:59,721
He should ball chicks.
That's how.
692
00:56:03,993 --> 00:56:05,961
- But only if he loves her.
- [ Woman ] Cigars...
693
00:56:06,062 --> 00:56:10,158
- cigarettes, chewing gum...
694
00:56:12,335 --> 00:56:14,235
Bananas.
695
00:56:14,337 --> 00:56:16,828
What is normal?
696
00:56:16,940 --> 00:56:19,807
Well, it's what everyone does.
697
00:56:19,909 --> 00:56:23,367
I mean, it's what the majority
of society does most.
698
00:56:27,450 --> 00:56:29,418
Yeah.
699
00:59:02,171 --> 00:59:05,368
I still think a guy
should ball chicks.
700
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:09,000
- Ah-ha-ha.
- Hi.
701
00:59:09,112 --> 00:59:11,205
How's it goin', girls?
702
00:59:11,314 --> 00:59:13,475
just great, sweetie.
703
00:59:20,690 --> 00:59:22,590
Playing, uh, canasta?
704
00:59:22,692 --> 00:59:26,423
- That's right, sweetie.
705
00:59:26,529 --> 00:59:29,089
Hey. Great, great, great.
706
00:59:33,870 --> 00:59:37,328
Uh, how's your
poker game going, sweetie?
707
00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:39,670
Ah, great, great.
708
00:59:39,776 --> 00:59:41,710
Great.
709
00:59:41,811 --> 00:59:45,110
- Just great.
710
00:59:45,214 --> 00:59:47,182
Yes.
711
00:59:53,990 --> 00:59:55,890
- Bang! Bang!
- Oh!
712
00:59:55,992 --> 00:59:58,460
Ooh,you got him, Kid Barlow.
You got him.
713
00:59:58,561 --> 01:00:01,359
Kid Barlow was the fastest gun
at Republic Pictures.
714
01:00:01,464 --> 01:00:03,557
- Them was the days.
715
01:00:03,666 --> 01:00:06,499
Yeah. Well...
716
01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:09,071
every time I look at
them old flicks of mine...
717
01:00:09,172 --> 01:00:11,163
in the morning on TV...
718
01:00:11,274 --> 01:00:13,868
I get a lump right here
in my throat.
719
01:00:13,977 --> 01:00:17,538
Oh, we was Saturday afternoon
for the whole world.
720
01:00:17,647 --> 01:00:21,413
Till our kind of pictures...
721
01:00:21,517 --> 01:00:23,951
just rode off in the sunset.
722
01:00:24,053 --> 01:00:27,022
And what's taken our place?
I'll tell you what.
723
01:00:27,123 --> 01:00:29,683
Perversion.
That's what's taken our place.
724
01:00:29,792 --> 01:00:32,556
Communist perverts
turning out filth.
725
01:00:47,176 --> 01:00:49,144
I guess I'll have to pass.
726
01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:53,071
- One no-trump.
727
01:00:53,182 --> 01:00:55,082
Three hearts.
728
01:00:55,184 --> 01:00:57,675
- Three hearts?
729
01:00:57,787 --> 01:01:01,018
Three no-trump.
730
01:01:01,124 --> 01:01:04,560
Three no-trump?
I know I'll have to pass now.
731
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:08,688
- No bid.
732
01:01:48,137 --> 01:01:51,004
- Well, how was the beef teriyaki?
733
01:01:51,107 --> 01:01:55,043
Awful.
Worse than the chow mein.
734
01:01:57,447 --> 01:01:59,642
What's that?
735
01:01:59,749 --> 01:02:02,013
Swedish massage.
736
01:02:02,118 --> 01:02:05,610
What do you do with it?
737
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:08,486
I beat you with it.
738
01:02:08,591 --> 01:02:11,082
- Does it hurt?
739
01:02:11,194 --> 01:02:13,162
You bet your ass.
740
01:02:15,364 --> 01:02:17,355
Somethings wrong
here someplace.
741
01:02:17,467 --> 01:02:17,567
Good evening, Rusty.
742
01:02:17,567 --> 01:02:19,398
Good evening, Rusty.
743
01:02:32,982 --> 01:02:35,473
Um, gee, it's,
uh, really nice...
744
01:02:35,585 --> 01:02:39,248
that Leticia Van Allen wants
to represent Mary Ann, isn't it?
745
01:02:39,355 --> 01:02:42,051
Yes, very nice.
About your back...
746
01:02:42,158 --> 01:02:44,718
I've spoken to Uncle Buck's
chiropractor...
747
01:02:44,827 --> 01:02:47,625
and she's going to arrange
a special brace.
748
01:02:47,730 --> 01:02:52,633
But she couldn't be here tonight. So she asked
me to take an exact tracing of your spine...
749
01:02:52,735 --> 01:02:54,635
so that she'll know
what to do.
750
01:02:54,737 --> 01:02:57,501
So if you'll just
slip off your shirt...
751
01:02:57,607 --> 01:02:59,507
we'll get right to work.
752
01:03:22,832 --> 01:03:24,732
Step on the scale...
753
01:03:24,834 --> 01:03:26,802
and we'll measure you.
754
01:03:29,939 --> 01:03:34,672
Take off those atrocious cowboy boots.
755
01:03:34,777 --> 01:03:36,802
- They'll break the scale.
- Oh, no, they won't.
756
01:03:36,913 --> 01:03:39,939
Do exactly as I tell you.
757
01:03:40,049 --> 01:03:43,712
You don't want me to have to tell
the judge that you've been...
758
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:45,754
uncooperative, do you?
759
01:03:47,523 --> 01:03:49,491
No, no.
760
01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:55,297
Guess I'm full of holes.
761
01:03:55,398 --> 01:03:58,162
Oh, well, that's all right.
762
01:04:01,571 --> 01:04:04,165
Now we'll need your weight.
763
01:04:08,711 --> 01:04:10,679
Um, which is...
764
01:04:12,949 --> 01:04:14,849
174.
765
01:04:14,951 --> 01:04:16,942
And your height...
766
01:04:20,156 --> 01:04:22,454
which is...
767
01:04:22,558 --> 01:04:25,459
six-one and a quarter.
768
01:04:25,561 --> 01:04:27,461
Well, the chart's
filling up nicely.
769
01:04:27,563 --> 01:04:29,531
You can get down.
770
01:04:30,933 --> 01:04:33,959
Now, we'll need
a urine specimen.
771
01:04:37,240 --> 01:04:39,367
Step behind the screen.
772
01:04:39,475 --> 01:04:41,602
- But, uh--
- But?
773
01:05:01,297 --> 01:05:04,061
Well, what's the matter?
774
01:05:04,166 --> 01:05:07,795
I don't know. I guess I'm,
uh, what they call pee shy.
775
01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:10,668
Well, don't be,.
776
01:05:10,773 --> 01:05:12,673
just relax,.
777
01:05:12,775 --> 01:05:15,767
- We have plenty of time.
778
01:05:32,795 --> 01:05:34,695
Ah. Bravo.
779
01:05:37,433 --> 01:05:39,401
Now, then.
780
01:05:41,804 --> 01:05:43,772
Rusty...
781
01:05:46,042 --> 01:05:48,203
Godowsky.
782
01:05:49,712 --> 01:05:54,479
- Would you come here and loosen your belt?
783
01:05:54,583 --> 01:05:56,949
Perhaps we better
wait for the doctor.
784
01:05:58,354 --> 01:06:02,313
- Do as you're told, Rusty.
- What do you want me to do?
785
01:06:02,425 --> 01:06:05,758
Well, it's very simple. I don't know
what you're so frightened of.
786
01:06:05,861 --> 01:06:11,128
All I want you to do is loosen
your belt and say, “Ah. "
787
01:06:19,141 --> 01:06:21,234
- Now, then, take a deep breath.
788
01:06:27,350 --> 01:06:29,716
- Turn your head to the side and cough.
789
01:06:29,819 --> 01:06:33,016
Hmm. Bend over
the table, please.
790
01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:40,085
There's more where that came from.
Bend over the table.
791
01:06:40,196 --> 01:06:42,460
- I want to take your temperature.
- But not there.
792
01:06:42,565 --> 01:06:44,897
Certainly there.
793
01:06:45,001 --> 01:06:50,405
I don't know, Rusty. You've been
showing a very suspicious reluctance.
794
01:06:50,506 --> 01:06:54,272
I think you have a disease
you've been hiding from me.
795
01:06:54,377 --> 01:06:56,607
Why, no, Miss Myra.
796
01:06:56,712 --> 01:06:58,805
Then face down
on the table.
797
01:06:58,914 --> 01:07:01,382
- Hands up here.
798
01:07:02,718 --> 01:07:05,846
All right. Now, this is just
so you won't move...
799
01:07:05,955 --> 01:07:08,549
while I do the tracing.
800
01:07:08,657 --> 01:07:11,455
There we go.
801
01:07:19,268 --> 01:07:21,236
- Now, then. Bottoms up.
- Hey.
802
01:07:22,905 --> 01:07:25,931
Now, you must be
very still.
803
01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:28,840
- I don't want that thermometer
broken, Rusty.
804
01:07:34,517 --> 01:07:38,248
- Tell me...
805
01:07:38,354 --> 01:07:41,016
- have you ever suffered from tuberculosis?
- No.
806
01:07:41,123 --> 01:07:43,023
- Heart disease?
- No.
807
01:07:43,125 --> 01:07:45,025
- Chicken pox?
- No.
808
01:07:45,127 --> 01:07:46,822
- Smallpox?
- No.
809
01:07:46,929 --> 01:07:48,453
- Measles?
- N o.
810
01:07:48,564 --> 01:07:50,156
- venereal disease?
- Nu.
811
01:07:50,266 --> 01:07:52,734
- Be careful, Rusty.
-l said, “No“!
812
01:07:52,835 --> 01:07:54,735
We'll see.
813
01:07:54,837 --> 01:07:59,297
They checked me out in Mexico.
I had the Wassermann test.
814
01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:02,206
Really. Hmm.
815
01:08:02,311 --> 01:08:04,506
What are you doing?
816
01:08:04,613 --> 01:08:07,548
I'm preparing you
for your brace.
817
01:08:07,650 --> 01:08:09,914
- Oh, Christ.
- What's the matter, Rusty?
818
01:08:10,019 --> 01:08:12,579
- I said, “Oh, Christ.“
- What is it, Rusty?
819
01:08:12,688 --> 01:08:15,350
You're playing some kind of joke on me.
I know you are.
820
01:08:15,458 --> 01:08:17,756
You're playing
some kind of joke.
821
01:08:17,860 --> 01:08:21,421
Oh, this is
no joke, Rusty.
822
01:08:21,530 --> 01:08:23,521
I'm in deadly earnest.
823
01:08:24,533 --> 01:08:26,467
You have a lot to learn.
824
01:08:26,569 --> 01:08:29,766
All you men
have a lot to learn.
825
01:08:29,872 --> 01:08:32,636
And I have taken it
upon myself...
826
01:08:32,741 --> 01:08:35,073
to teach you.
827
01:08:35,177 --> 01:08:37,145
What do you mean?
828
01:08:37,246 --> 01:08:40,238
This is the most important
part of your education.
829
01:08:40,349 --> 01:08:44,012
The part your teachers
failed to instruct you in.
830
01:08:45,654 --> 01:08:47,554
Take off your hat.
831
01:08:50,659 --> 01:08:53,992
- It's called balling.
- Well, I know how to do that.
832
01:08:54,096 --> 01:08:55,996
That's what you think.
833
01:08:56,098 --> 01:08:58,396
- Did you know you have a temperature?
- No, I didn't.
834
01:08:58,501 --> 01:09:03,063
Well, you do. But no matter.
I shall cure what's wrong with you.
835
01:09:03,172 --> 01:09:07,108
- What are you gonna do?
836
01:09:13,182 --> 01:09:16,948
I shall ball you, Rusty.
It's very simple.
837
01:09:17,052 --> 01:09:17,152
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
838
01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:20,452
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
839
01:09:20,556 --> 01:09:22,490
what you've all been
waiting for...
840
01:09:22,591 --> 01:09:26,960
the wildest, buckingest
bronc in the world.
841
01:09:27,062 --> 01:09:30,361
He's never been ridden before.
842
01:09:30,466 --> 01:09:34,197
- Cherry, the man-killer.
843
01:09:34,303 --> 01:09:38,000
Oh, well, what nature intended
is not always good for us, Rusty.
844
01:09:38,107 --> 01:09:41,201
You think that being a man
is such a simple thing.
845
01:09:41,310 --> 01:09:43,744
A man should ball chicks,
you said.
846
01:09:43,846 --> 01:09:47,748
Well, I tried to explain it to you,
but you wouldn't listen.
847
01:09:47,850 --> 01:09:50,717
So, I'm afraid it will require
a practical demonstration.
848
01:09:50,819 --> 01:09:53,185
[Grunting]
849
01:09:54,990 --> 01:09:58,721
Oh, my God.
Jesus, you'll kill me.
850
01:09:58,827 --> 01:10:00,795
- I won't kill you, Rusty.
851
01:10:00,896 --> 01:10:03,456
I 'll just educate you.
You and the rest of America.
852
01:10:03,566 --> 01:10:06,797
- It must be
demonstrated to you practically...
853
01:10:06,902 --> 01:10:09,063
that there is
no such thing as manhood.
854
01:10:09,171 --> 01:10:11,833
- It died with Burt Lancaster...
855
01:10:11,941 --> 01:10:13,841
in Vera Cruz.
856
01:10:13,943 --> 01:10:18,812
Your manhood was taken
by Errol Flynn and Clark Gable.
857
01:10:20,282 --> 01:10:23,308
lam only going to supply you
with the finishing touches.
858
01:10:23,419 --> 01:10:25,319
Oh, God.
859
01:10:25,421 --> 01:10:28,686
I reckon none of you northern folks
ever heard a Texas cowhand...
860
01:10:28,791 --> 01:10:30,850
making love to his gal.
861
01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:33,019
Well, you're gonna
hear it now.
862
01:10:35,264 --> 01:10:38,495
Charge!
863
01:10:38,601 --> 01:10:40,535
God, no, what are you--
864
01:10:42,638 --> 01:10:44,902
She certainly
leaned on that one.
865
01:10:46,942 --> 01:10:49,274
- Get 'em. Get up there.
- Oh! Oh!
866
01:10:57,219 --> 01:10:59,710
Ah, that's what
I call disgusting.
867
01:10:59,822 --> 01:11:02,222
Why don't you
show him how, Sergeant?
868
01:11:23,579 --> 01:11:27,743
I'm coming, Scarlett. I'm coming.
869
01:11:27,850 --> 01:11:30,819
I'm coming, Lana.
I'm coming.
870
01:11:30,919 --> 01:11:34,446
Hooray for Mickey Mouse
and Donald Duck.
871
01:11:35,991 --> 01:11:38,016
Uncle Sam, here I...
872
01:11:38,127 --> 01:11:43,292
co-o-o-o-om e!
873
01:12:05,387 --> 01:12:08,083
- Marvelous. Absolutely marvelous.
- Leave him alone.
874
01:12:08,190 --> 01:12:11,421
It's the first time in my whole life
I've ever really enjoyed opera.
875
01:13:43,719 --> 01:13:45,687
Can I go now?
876
01:13:49,892 --> 01:13:51,860
Yes.
877
01:13:54,062 --> 01:13:56,360
You can go...
878
01:13:56,465 --> 01:13:58,433
HOW.
879
01:14:06,642 --> 01:14:11,045
Well, aren't you going to thank me
for all the trouble I've taken?
880
01:14:15,317 --> 01:14:17,217
Thank you, ma'am.
881
01:14:19,555 --> 01:14:22,183
- You know what, Ollie?
- What?
882
01:14:22,291 --> 01:14:24,816
I feel like a mouse.
883
01:14:24,927 --> 01:14:29,591
We had to do it.
It hurt me more than it did him.
884
01:14:29,698 --> 01:14:32,258
Poor Daniel.
885
01:14:32,367 --> 01:14:35,165
[Sobbing]
886
01:14:35,270 --> 01:14:38,068
Oh.
887
01:14:44,413 --> 01:14:46,313
$422'???
888
01:14:46,415 --> 01:14:48,906
Well, are you alone?
889
01:14:50,085 --> 01:14:52,019
Come right up.
890
01:14:54,690 --> 01:14:57,056
Why are you so
fascinated by the girl?
891
01:14:57,159 --> 01:14:59,320
But having raped
Rusty's manhood...
892
01:14:59,428 --> 01:15:01,555
I must now
complete the cycle...
893
01:15:01,663 --> 01:15:03,631
and seduce his girl.
894
01:15:04,766 --> 01:15:07,929
Only then will
my victory be complete...
895
01:15:08,036 --> 01:15:11,130
thus exerting power
over both sexes...
896
01:15:11,240 --> 01:15:13,606
- and indeed over life itself.
897
01:15:13,709 --> 01:15:16,872
Boy, she's
a tough customer.
898
01:15:16,979 --> 01:15:19,209
What are you
moping about?
899
01:15:19,314 --> 01:15:22,408
She's so sweet.
900
01:15:23,452 --> 01:15:25,352
Come on.
901
01:15:25,454 --> 01:15:27,820
- Mary Ann.
- Oh, Myra.
902
01:15:27,923 --> 01:15:31,120
Why, Mary Ann,
what's the matter?
903
01:15:34,396 --> 01:15:36,296
Rusty's gone again.
904
01:15:36,398 --> 01:15:38,798
Gone? Where?
905
01:15:38,901 --> 01:15:42,166
I don't know.
I just don't understand.
906
01:15:42,271 --> 01:15:45,832
Well, let me
fix you a drink.
907
01:15:45,941 --> 01:15:48,034
It'll soothe
your nerves.
908
01:15:50,412 --> 01:15:53,677
Didn't he give you
any explanation at all?
909
01:15:53,782 --> 01:15:56,080
No. Nothing.
910
01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:58,084
It was frightening.
911
01:15:58,186 --> 01:16:01,485
Just that he was sick of me.
Sick of women.
912
01:16:01,590 --> 01:16:03,649
Sick of women?
913
01:16:05,193 --> 01:16:08,390
- He actually said that?
- Yes.
914
01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:12,891
Well, I'm certain
he didn't mean sick of you.
915
01:16:13,001 --> 01:16:17,165
- Oh, sick of women in general, perhaps.
916
01:16:17,272 --> 01:16:19,172
I don't know.
Both, I guess.
917
01:16:21,410 --> 01:16:24,004
Men.
They're all alike.
918
01:16:24,112 --> 01:16:27,047
But don't you worry.
We'll find him.
919
01:16:28,083 --> 01:16:30,916
We've just got to.
920
01:16:31,019 --> 01:16:33,385
I may never see him again.
921
01:16:36,158 --> 01:16:38,058
Of course you will.
922
01:16:38,160 --> 01:16:40,685
You'll see. Everything
will work out just fine.
923
01:16:40,796 --> 01:16:43,128
I'm so worried.
924
01:16:43,231 --> 01:16:45,995
I just can? go back there.
925
01:16:46,101 --> 01:16:48,729
You don't have to.
You can stay here with me.
926
01:16:48,837 --> 01:16:50,737
Oh, no. I couldn't.
927
01:16:50,839 --> 01:16:52,739
I insist.
928
01:16:52,841 --> 01:16:54,809
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
929
01:16:54,910 --> 01:16:57,470
It's really
no bother at all.
930
01:16:58,714 --> 01:17:01,945
Really. We'll just
find you something to wear.
931
01:17:04,886 --> 01:17:08,549
Now, then.
Let me see.
932
01:17:08,657 --> 01:17:10,625
[Sighing]
933
01:17:11,660 --> 01:17:15,619
- [Mumbling]
934
01:17:15,731 --> 01:17:18,097
Those are men's pajamas.
935
01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:20,100
Oh.
So they are.
936
01:17:20,202 --> 01:17:22,534
How indiscreet.
937
01:17:22,638 --> 01:17:24,629
You've had a very
trying day, Mary Ann.
938
01:17:24,740 --> 01:17:27,004
I really feel you should
go right to bed.
939
01:17:27,109 --> 01:17:31,569
I don't know how to thank you.
You've been so sweet to me, Myra.
940
01:17:31,680 --> 01:17:34,274
And don't you worry
about Rusty.
941
01:17:35,984 --> 01:17:38,248
It's either them or me.
I told him.
942
01:17:38,353 --> 01:17:41,049
And of course it will be
you, my darling.
943
01:17:41,156 --> 01:17:44,182
Now, let's have
a nice girlie evening.
944
01:17:44,292 --> 01:17:47,921
I'll tell you howl lost my virginity,
if you tell me how you lost yours.
945
01:17:48,030 --> 01:17:51,363
- Jesus.
- There we go.
946
01:17:53,502 --> 01:17:55,561
Oh, Rusty.
947
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:58,105
Oh.
948
01:17:58,206 --> 01:18:00,538
There, there,
my dear.
949
01:18:00,642 --> 01:18:03,736
He's only a man,
and not good enough for you.
950
01:18:03,845 --> 01:18:08,111
- How well I remember my own puppy love.
- No shit.
951
01:18:15,957 --> 01:18:17,618
Mmm, Myra?
952
01:18:17,726 --> 01:18:21,822
This is Leticia. Rusty's at
the beach house with me right now.
953
01:18:21,930 --> 01:18:23,830
I'm calling to say thanks.
954
01:18:23,932 --> 01:18:26,696
Oh, I'm--
I'm so glad you liked him.
955
01:18:26,802 --> 01:18:28,702
Uh, is it
the right color?
956
01:18:28,804 --> 01:18:31,637
Well, I guess so.
It's the usual color.
957
01:18:31,740 --> 01:18:35,232
- Didn't you ever make it with him?
- Not in the classic way, no.
958
01:18:35,343 --> 01:18:39,473
Well, I 'm-- I hope
he sleeps well in his new home.
959
01:18:39,581 --> 01:18:41,742
I wouldn’t entrust him
to just anyone.
960
01:18:41,850 --> 01:18:45,547
- Good night, dear lady.
- Oh, well. Good night.
961
01:18:45,654 --> 01:18:50,023
Come on, honey. Let's take
another trip around the world.
962
01:18:50,125 --> 01:18:50,225
Charlie, I've knowed you
ever since you was a cough and a spit.
963
01:18:50,225 --> 01:18:54,753
Charlie, I've knowed you
ever since you was a cough and a spit.
964
01:18:54,863 --> 01:18:56,797
- Gee.
- I've watched you become the dream...
965
01:18:56,898 --> 01:18:59,264
of every parent this
side of San Diego.
966
01:18:59,367 --> 01:19:02,393
- Wow.
- You're a fine boy, Charlie.
967
01:19:02,504 --> 01:19:05,837
- A fine boy.
- Gee, uh, thanks, Uncle Buck.
968
01:19:05,941 --> 01:19:07,909
You know what I've
always thought of you...
969
01:19:08,009 --> 01:19:10,477
ever since you did that
morning television show on ABC.
970
01:19:10,579 --> 01:19:12,672
I can tell you now,
Uncle Buck, that--
971
01:19:12,781 --> 01:19:14,715
Well, you've
always been my idol.
972
01:19:14,816 --> 01:19:17,546
I've lost more fights over you
at UCLA than anything else.
973
01:19:17,652 --> 01:19:21,315
I'm very moved to hear you
say that, very moved.
974
01:19:21,423 --> 01:19:23,323
Also, I'm pleased to hear
you're a fighter...
975
01:19:23,425 --> 01:19:25,620
'cause this Myra Breckinridge
is more than a match...
976
01:19:25,727 --> 01:19:27,695
for most men--
more than a match.
977
01:19:27,796 --> 01:19:32,290
l'll do my best, Uncle Buck, and, if my best
isn't good enough, well, that's too bad.
978
01:19:32,400 --> 01:19:34,300
Not quite, Charlie. Not quite.
979
01:19:34,402 --> 01:19:36,597
- If your best ain't good enough...
980
01:19:36,705 --> 01:19:39,071
you might just as well
pack up and move to Milwaukee.
981
01:19:39,174 --> 01:19:41,665
- There she is.
982
01:19:41,777 --> 01:19:45,213
Remember, the, uh,
velvet hand and the iron glove.
983
01:19:52,154 --> 01:19:55,646
- Come in, Myra.
- Okay. Let her rip.
984
01:19:59,161 --> 01:20:02,392
- This better be good.
985
01:20:02,497 --> 01:20:05,022
Who's this? It looks like
The Late, Late Show.
986
01:20:05,133 --> 01:20:07,465
Myra, this is Charlie Flager
of Flager & Flager.
987
01:20:07,569 --> 01:20:11,767
I thought you two should get together and sort
out the little problems we've been having.
988
01:20:11,873 --> 01:20:14,433
Problems, Uncle Buck?
I don? have any problems.
989
01:20:14,543 --> 01:20:17,444
All I know is
that you owe me $900,000..
990
01:20:17,546 --> 01:20:20,242
And the price of real estate
is going up every day.
991
01:20:20,348 --> 01:20:23,283
I think you should know that
Charlie's dad and me have been pals...
992
01:20:23,385 --> 01:20:26,183
ever since he handled me when I had
that row with the Blue Network.
993
01:20:26,288 --> 01:20:28,552
I-- I guess that we value
Mr. Loner's account...
994
01:20:28,657 --> 01:20:31,888
more than any single
non corporate account.
995
01:20:31,993 --> 01:20:36,760
Like Dad always says,
“Buck Loner has a real reputation.“
996
01:20:36,865 --> 01:20:38,856
Uh, for being, like,
a straight shooter.
997
01:20:38,967 --> 01:20:41,936
When you two lovebirds are finished,
perhaps you'll tell me...
998
01:20:42,037 --> 01:20:44,005
what lousy, dirty trick
you're up to now.
999
01:20:44,105 --> 01:20:46,972
No lousy tricks, Mrs. Breckinridge.
I am simply here...
1000
01:20:47,075 --> 01:20:49,441
to defend my client's interest,
which in this case...
1001
01:20:49,544 --> 01:20:53,981
is your alleged claim to, like, half
the value of this Westwood property.
1002
01:20:54,082 --> 01:20:55,982
- Alleged?
- Alleged.
1003
01:20:56,084 --> 01:20:59,451
That marriage certificate
is an out-and-out phony.
1004
01:20:59,554 --> 01:21:01,988
Oh.
1005
01:21:13,001 --> 01:21:17,370
It isn't easy being a woman,
Uncle Buck...
1006
01:21:17,472 --> 01:21:20,873
especially when you have
to fight your own family...
1007
01:21:20,976 --> 01:21:23,376
for what's rightfully yours.
1008
01:21:23,478 --> 01:21:25,878
Honey, honey, honey.
1009
01:21:25,981 --> 01:21:29,712
We don't want to take what's yours.
That's the last thing on our mind.
1010
01:21:29,818 --> 01:21:32,116
But we gotta make sure
you're entitled to it.
1011
01:21:32,220 --> 01:21:35,815
Like, you might be an impersonator
saying you are who you are.
1012
01:21:35,924 --> 01:21:40,293
And after Gertrude gave you
that $200 back in Philadelphia...
1013
01:21:40,395 --> 01:21:44,491
to pay for the abortion of the daughter
of that Rexall druggist...
1014
01:21:44,599 --> 01:21:48,035
you knocked up and refused to marry.
1015
01:21:48,136 --> 01:21:51,196
The point is, can you prove
you were married?
1016
01:21:51,306 --> 01:21:53,274
That 's all.
1017
01:21:56,011 --> 01:22:01,176
Proof will arrive before the end of the week
in the person of Dr. Randolph Spencer Montag.
1018
01:22:02,918 --> 01:22:04,818
Montag?
1019
01:22:04,920 --> 01:22:08,356
- The great dental psychiatrist?
- He was a witness to our wedding.
1020
01:22:08,456 --> 01:22:12,017
I trust his word
will be sufficient.
1021
01:22:12,127 --> 01:22:15,790
Let me make it
perfectly clear that it might.
1022
01:22:15,897 --> 01:22:18,263
In any case,
my price has gone up...
1023
01:22:18,366 --> 01:22:22,302
to an even million dollars.
1024
01:22:51,466 --> 01:22:54,333
- How old were you then?
1025
01:22:57,973 --> 01:22:59,873
Long distance call,
Dr. Montag.
1026
01:22:59,975 --> 01:23:02,273
Yeah. Uh, Mondo--
No, no. Montag here.
1027
01:23:02,377 --> 01:23:04,743
Yeah? Oh. Oh, Myra.
1028
01:23:04,846 --> 01:23:06,746
How are ya, kid.
How's your teeth?
1029
01:23:06,848 --> 01:23:08,748
Spit out now.
1030
01:23:08,850 --> 01:23:11,944
- So, my so-- - Myra, dental health is
mental health. Will you remember that?
1031
01:23:12,053 --> 01:23:13,953
- John Phillips tried to rape me.
-Open.
1032
01:23:14,055 --> 01:23:17,422
- And I said, “Oh, how can he do that?“
- What?
1033
01:23:17,525 --> 01:23:21,985
Myra, believe me that your appeal
reaches me at every level...
1034
01:23:22,097 --> 01:23:24,395
- from lower id to superego.
1035
01:23:24,499 --> 01:23:27,263
After all, I realize that our
relationship was always much more...
1036
01:23:27,369 --> 01:23:29,269
than that simply of
analyst to patient.
1037
01:23:29,371 --> 01:23:32,135
- I'm also your dentist.
1038
01:23:32,240 --> 01:23:35,607
No-- No, Myra, I've got
other patients who need me too.
1039
01:23:35,710 --> 01:23:37,769
- And he shouldn't have done it.
- Spit out now, dear.
1040
01:23:37,879 --> 01:23:41,315
Oh, you've got such lovely boobs.
They're such a comfort to me.
1041
01:23:41,416 --> 01:23:43,611
No, I said 15, Myra.
Open up.
1042
01:23:43,718 --> 01:23:45,777
Fifteen percent.
I'm in L.A. tomorrow.
1043
01:23:49,557 --> 01:23:54,426
Mighty kind of you, Doc, coming
all this way to help our little Myra.
1044
01:23:54,529 --> 01:23:58,522
- Of course, we all mean to do the right
thing by her. - Then cut the crap...
1045
01:23:58,633 --> 01:24:03,502
- and handover the cash. - Naturally, we are,
uh, not about to question the probity...
1046
01:24:03,605 --> 01:24:07,302
of such a well-known person
and author as Dr. Montag.
1047
01:24:07,409 --> 01:24:09,707
- Yes?
1048
01:24:09,811 --> 01:24:13,042
- New York calling Mr.
Flager. -Which Mr. Flager?
1049
01:24:13,148 --> 01:24:15,981
Mr. Flager, Jr.
1050
01:24:16,084 --> 01:24:18,075
Take it, junior.
1051
01:24:18,186 --> 01:24:20,154
In the bathroom, you idiot.
1052
01:24:20,255 --> 01:24:22,223
Uh, I have to
go to the bathroom.
1053
01:24:30,665 --> 01:24:32,826
Do you get to
the movies much, Doctor?
1054
01:24:32,934 --> 01:24:36,495
- I say do you get
to the movies much, Doctor?
1055
01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:39,801
I was wondering what you thought
about all the pornography we have.
1056
01:24:39,908 --> 01:24:44,607
- Pornography. Uh-- - I was wondering
what you thought about it in our movies.
1057
01:24:44,712 --> 01:24:46,612
I've never seen
any of your movies.
1058
01:24:46,714 --> 01:24:49,581
I mean our current American picture,
which is loaded with smut.
1059
01:24:49,684 --> 01:24:50,918
- Smut. Yes.
- Uh, listen, could--
1060
01:24:50,919 --> 01:24:52,409
- Smut. Yes.
- Uh, listen, could--
1061
01:24:52,520 --> 01:24:54,681
- Uh, attention, everybody.
1062
01:24:54,789 --> 01:24:59,385
Uh, uh, I guess you all know,
uh, th-that was a call, uh...
1063
01:24:59,494 --> 01:25:01,724
from our, uh,
New York office.
1064
01:25:01,830 --> 01:25:04,924
- What did they say?
- Oh, uh, Dad, um...
1065
01:25:05,033 --> 01:25:08,969
before we get into that, I--
I think it might be nice, at this time...
1066
01:25:09,070 --> 01:25:11,732
to put everyone in the picture
as to the background.
1067
01:25:11,840 --> 01:25:15,207
- Uh, would you tell him to--
- Shut up and get to the point.
1068
01:25:15,310 --> 01:25:17,210
The point is,
Mrs. Breckinridge...
1069
01:25:17,312 --> 01:25:21,976
that no record of your husband's death
exists in New York City or State.
1070
01:25:22,083 --> 01:25:24,176
- Strike.
- Just remember, Myra...
1071
01:25:24,285 --> 01:25:26,810
these people don't
screw around.
1072
01:25:26,921 --> 01:25:28,821
Everything's legal
and aboveboard.
1073
01:25:28,923 --> 01:25:33,417
Not like in some places I can mention
south of the border down Mexico way.
1074
01:25:33,528 --> 01:25:37,658
Listen, I say the man's dead,
you unmitigated shit.
1075
01:25:37,765 --> 01:25:39,892
And that means he's dead.
1076
01:25:40,001 --> 01:25:43,994
Oh, I 'll admit his body
was never found. That's true.
1077
01:25:44,105 --> 01:25:46,596
He died in a car accident
outside the Bank of America.
1078
01:25:46,708 --> 01:25:49,006
Fire!
1079
01:25:49,110 --> 01:25:53,410
- Beverly Hills branch. - There is not
one iota of evidence that he is dean'...
1080
01:25:53,515 --> 01:25:56,279
and we are not going to
pay you one single penny.
1081
01:25:56,384 --> 01:25:58,648
Strike.
1082
01:26:00,088 --> 01:26:01,988
Randolph...
1083
01:26:02,090 --> 01:26:05,958
I believe the moment of truth
has finally arrived.
1084
01:26:06,060 --> 01:26:08,460
Go get 'em.
1085
01:26:08,563 --> 01:26:10,827
Gentlemen...
1086
01:26:10,932 --> 01:26:13,162
I am Myron Breckinridge.
1087
01:26:13,268 --> 01:26:15,293
Uncle Buck,
your fag nephew...
1088
01:26:15,403 --> 01:26:18,668
became your niece two years ago
in Copenhagen...
1089
01:26:18,773 --> 01:26:21,207
and is now free as a bird
and happy in being...
1090
01:26:21,309 --> 01:26:24,506
the most extraordinary woman
in the world. [Chuckles]
1091
01:26:24,612 --> 01:26:27,308
And I thought
I fell in love with a man.
1092
01:26:30,585 --> 01:26:34,681
- That's the ball game.
- [ Myra Chuckling]
1093
01:26:45,600 --> 01:26:48,967
Uh, Stanley,
what time is it?
1094
01:26:50,438 --> 01:26:52,531
It's about half past--
1095
01:26:52,640 --> 01:26:54,835
Something went wrong.
1096
01:26:54,943 --> 01:26:58,936
“Either you keep me on here,
or l'll tell the world...
1097
01:26:59,047 --> 01:27:02,813
that Buck Loner's fag nephew became
his niece two years ago in Copenhagen.“
1098
01:27:02,917 --> 01:27:06,444
I could kill him. I could kill him
if I could get away with it.
1099
01:27:06,554 --> 01:27:09,717
Strike that.
Anyway, thank God...
1100
01:27:09,824 --> 01:27:13,225
I never slipped him
the old Buck Loner special.
1101
01:27:26,774 --> 01:27:29,004
Myra, don't.
It spoils it.
1102
01:27:29,110 --> 01:27:32,807
All right. Whatever you say, Mary Ann.
1103
01:27:38,820 --> 01:27:42,347
But I do love
being with you like this.
1104
01:27:42,457 --> 01:27:44,652
I'm sorry, Myra.
1105
01:27:44,759 --> 01:27:46,659
I just can't.
1106
01:27:46,761 --> 01:27:49,093
I wish I could, really.
1107
01:27:50,298 --> 01:27:52,789
Love isn't always
a matter of sex, you know.
1108
01:27:52,900 --> 01:27:57,633
Well, I know.
And I really do love you as you are.
1109
01:28:00,208 --> 01:28:03,302
I even like it
when you touch me.
1110
01:28:04,779 --> 01:28:06,838
Up to a point.
1111
01:28:09,217 --> 01:28:11,276
I don't know.
1112
01:28:11,386 --> 01:28:13,854
I just can't
let myself go.
1113
01:28:15,023 --> 01:28:17,048
That's the way I am.
1114
01:28:17,158 --> 01:28:21,788
Well, is it Rusty?
1115
01:28:21,896 --> 01:28:24,126
No, that's finished.
1116
01:28:25,366 --> 01:28:28,392
But someone like him.
1117
01:28:28,503 --> 01:28:30,596
Someone gentle.
1118
01:28:33,741 --> 01:28:36,141
Rusty gentle?
1119
01:28:36,244 --> 01:28:38,644
I thought he was violent.
1120
01:28:38,746 --> 01:28:43,445
No. Whatever
gave you that idea?
1121
01:28:43,551 --> 01:28:46,714
It's because he was so gentle
that I loved him.
1122
01:28:48,690 --> 01:28:51,386
He never grabs you
like the other boys.
1123
01:28:57,865 --> 01:29:00,925
Oh, you are an angel,
Myra, and I do love you.
1124
01:29:01,035 --> 01:29:03,003
I really do.
1125
01:29:04,339 --> 01:29:06,739
I just can't,
you know?
1126
01:29:09,944 --> 01:29:12,606
Yes. Of course. I know.
1127
01:29:15,183 --> 01:29:19,313
If only there were
some man like you.
1128
01:29:19,420 --> 01:29:21,854
I'd really fall.
l would.
1129
01:29:23,157 --> 01:29:25,250
But not like this.
1130
01:29:27,061 --> 01:29:29,291
If only you were a man.
1131
01:29:43,111 --> 01:29:45,011
[Thinking]
l'll get you this time.
1132
01:29:45,113 --> 01:29:47,673
It's a dangerous thing,
ambition.
1133
01:29:47,782 --> 01:29:50,546
Ruined Mickey Mouse's
whole career.
1134
01:29:51,719 --> 01:29:54,916
Well, now it's
eight bars and out, honey.
1135
01:29:55,022 --> 01:29:58,788
You were no more than
a Linda Darnell paper doll.
1136
01:29:58,893 --> 01:30:01,828
A Disney cow
that got over the fence.
1137
01:30:01,929 --> 01:30:03,829
You got ambitious.
1138
01:30:03,931 --> 01:30:07,526
You were great in CinemaScope
and Technicolor...
1139
01:30:07,635 --> 01:30:10,399
but you can? cut it in
black and white.
1140
01:30:18,146 --> 01:30:21,513
- Magnificent!
1141
01:30:27,355 --> 01:30:29,323
Funny...
1142
01:30:31,893 --> 01:30:34,862
when I waited for you...
1143
01:30:34,962 --> 01:30:36,930
you didn't come.
1144
01:30:37,965 --> 01:30:40,297
But now you have come, and...
1145
01:30:40,401 --> 01:30:42,301
I must go away.
1146
01:30:53,514 --> 01:30:57,143
You will remember the day in the desert.
1147
01:30:59,187 --> 01:31:02,054
- Fl! remember,.
1148
01:31:46,400 --> 01:31:49,301
Where are my tits?
Where are my tits?
1149
01:31:49,403 --> 01:31:53,339
Good morning, Nurse.
1150
01:31:53,441 --> 01:31:56,239
Ah, what have we got here?
When you get to 103, sell.
1151
01:31:56,344 --> 01:31:58,244
There you go.
1152
01:31:58,346 --> 01:32:00,507
Hey, forty chin-ups, baby.
1153
01:32:00,615 --> 01:32:03,846
What are you doing, writing home
for money? What are you saying there?
1154
01:32:03,951 --> 01:32:05,919
Hey, Dustin Hoffman.
Midnight Cowboy.
1155
01:32:06,020 --> 01:32:07,920
Hi, Charlie.
You're looking good.
1156
01:32:08,022 --> 01:32:10,320
Soul food here?
Don't let 'em get down here, baby.
1157
01:32:10,424 --> 01:32:13,484
Oh, here, here. Watch that.
You'll go crazy. [ Mumbles]
1158
01:32:14,529 --> 01:32:16,497
Huh? Are we conscious?
1159
01:32:16,597 --> 01:32:19,361
I am.
I'm not sure about you.
1160
01:32:24,505 --> 01:32:27,702
- The Lost Moment.
- Uh, Martin Gabel, 1949.
1161
01:32:27,808 --> 01:32:30,140
- '47.
- '47. That's silly of me.
1162
01:32:30,244 --> 01:32:33,042
- The Heiress was 1949.
- The- that's Willy Wyler.
1163
01:32:33,147 --> 01:32:36,878
- I thought of that because of Henry James.
- Yes.
1164
01:32:36,984 --> 01:32:41,887
I want you to get a lot
of rest before you start socializing.
1165
01:32:41,989 --> 01:32:44,514
You're a very popular
young fella.
1166
01:32:58,472 --> 01:33:01,270
I'll turn around and I'll come back.
1167
01:33:01,375 --> 01:33:04,640
You wouldn't understand
the way I feel about Mary Ann...
1168
01:33:04,745 --> 01:33:08,772
that she's Donald Duck straws
and Pepsodent toothpaste.
95767
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