All language subtitles for The Color Wheel (2011)

Nice shirt.

How am I
being unpleasant?

Well, you're not
being unpleasant,

But you are making this
an unpleasant situation

Instead of making it
an erotic one like I am.

Yeah, really erotic,
Colin.

I mean, again,
you don't seem to grasp

That we could be
talking about 48,

Maybe even 72 hours
without me here.

So you might want to...
You might want to think

About some passion occurring,
like, immediately.

Why are you even
helping your sister?

I thought you and your
parents hated J.R.

We do.
But, you know,

She asked for a favor,
and I said yes.

You don't have any siblings,
so you have no frame of reference

For what it's like when one
of them asks for a favor.

You know, like I said,
two, maybe even three days,

So this is definitely a great opportunity
for us to share something wonderful.

Come on.
Can we please stop arguing

And start enjoying one another's
company in a very real way?

Can't even negotiate
for a hand-Job or something?

What do you suggest I do
with this massive

Black-Man-Sized erection
I made special just for you?

That's racist. What did we talk
about with you saying racist jokes?

That you love it?
By the way, that was a compliment

To any black man with a large penis,
which is all of them, so...

Colin, you should
change your pants.

Those are dirty and ugly.

Colin!

Is your sister
here already?

What? No.

No, you didn't just hear her
yell my name.

That's just actually what I
would like you to be doing

During the passion
we'll be sharing momentarily.

I'll walk you out.

Colin!

Let's go!

Oh, don't you look
like a movie star.

- Oh, thanks.
- So do you.

So, this must be important for
you to drag your brother into it.

It is, actually.
It's college-Related.

You probably
wouldn't understand.

I heard you were living
with your professor,

And dating him,
and then he threw you out.

Good-Bye, Colin.
Good-Bye, J.R. It's been a real pleasure.

Yeah, the movie star I meant was
the bathtub monster in the shining.

Have a nice day.
Blow me, J.R.

Done.

Good-Bye, my sweetness.

I'll call you.
She gave me the finger.

Or me.
Gave us the finger.

No. Maybe it was you.
Probably you.

How long have you guys
been together?

Like, three and a half...
Months?

Years.
Ugh!

But it feels
like at least four.

Here. You drive.
Please?

What?
Please?

What the hell is all this crap?
This isn't crap.

How am I supposed to enjoy
driving on this trip

If this car is full
of all this garbage?

It's not that messy. What is this?
Why is this in the driver's seat?

Give it back. Colin, give it back.
What is this?

- Ugh! Stop it.
- You're so annoying.

What do you mean, "what is this"?
This is my vision board.

What is a vision board? What is this giant
piece of shit covered in pictures of you?

They say if you put your hopes and dreams out
on paper, they're more likely to come true.

Who says?
Jesus Christ. Experts.

Why does it say the word "Moses"
next to a drawing?

That's my celebrity crush. You wouldn't
understand. You have no hopes and dreams.

How about we forget about all this and stay
here tonight, have dinner with mom and dad?

We can leave first thing in the morning.
That way, we don't drive when it's dark.

What do you think I wanna do?
I think we should stick...

Leave right now. Leave right now.
That's what I was going to say.

No!

I have to pee.
Can I help you?

Hello, kind sir,
and god bless.

We are gonna need
one room for the night.

The cheapest room
you've got, please.

The cheapest room we have
is the smallest.

Okay.
It's a single,

And we don't allow coeds
to co-Habitate

Unless they are married.

Uh, that shouldn't be a problem.
We're brother and sister.

No funny business here.

Brother and sister?
That's foul.

In a way,
that's even worse than if you were

A couple sinful...
Sinful kids up to no good.

Um, well, no, actually,
we are married.

We have the same last name
because we are married.

Yeah. Ha-Ha.
We're just aspiring comedians

And like to make jokes in holy places.
Taking our act on the road here.

Look at us now.
Uh, yeah.

Take out your I.D., My precious husband.
Yeah, let me see some I.D.

Yeah, we have
a wonderful marriage.

Sometimes I...
So happy.

So happy
I can't stop smiling.

Most of the time,
my face hurts.

Oh, my god.
Do you think he's fooled?

Of course he's not fooled. Just shut up
and let me do the rest of the talking.

What, are we in, like, the...
Don't say anything else.

How come you ain't got
no wedding rings?

This actually is a wedding ring.
And I sold mine to buy...

He sold his to buy drugs for kids.
Medicine for sick children.

In Chernobyl. There's a lot of sick kids...
In some other country.

We've given them so much, they're
pretty much ungrateful at this point.

You kids look an awful lot alike.
You sure you're married?

Who wouldn't want to marry
and live with this person

The rest of their
god-Given life?

I remember when my wife and I...
We got married.

Uh-Huh.
I was 15, she was 14.

How romantic.
Had our first child... 17.

16.

And 16 is a, uh, good age

For a girl to have a baby.

That's what I hear.

But you don't need to hear
about my life story.

No, we don't.
Shh.

Yes, we would love
to hear your life story

As soon as
we get some rest.

All right. Well,

You pay at
the door at the end.

You need to leave
a $20 deposit.

I don't have any cash.

You better make it 40.

Wait a minute.

Let me see
you two lovebirds kiss.

Why would we
have to kiss?

Because our policy.

I need to see
married couples kiss.

Is that an actual sign
that you use?

Yes.

Did you make that sign by hand
just before we got here?

No.
What would Jesus do?

He would sleep in the car.
No, he wouldn't. Um, sure.

Uh, why would we do anything
other than express our love

And devotion to...

bless you, and keep you.

Very nice.

How do you feel
about that?

I get to do that
every night of my life,

And possibly after death,
if you believe in that,

Which I do, of course.
Very nice.

Have a good night.

Thanks.
God bless.

And god bless.

Was it really that bad,
pretending to kiss me?

The sad thing is
you're not the first boy

To throw up
after kissing me.

It's something I ate.

Something awful...
Awful that I ate.

You know what's weird? I don't think
I've thrown up in, like, 12 years.

Isn't that kind of
an impressive record?

What, is that, like, something
you have to brag about?

Like, that's a skill? Like, oh, I
have a superior digestive system.

Reward me, please.
Oh, I have good hearing.

I taught myself how to have good hearing.
Ridiculous.

Can you smell this bible?

Get that out of my face.
I just threw up.

Wait a minute.

"If a man mates
with an animal,

He shall surely be put to death,
and you shall kill the animal."

That doesn't seem fair
to the animal. Wha...

Did you bring
all those gargoyles here?

You couldn't be away from them
for three days?

Well, I'm not permitted to
display them when Zoe's around.

She thinks they watch her sleep. Gross.
Who would want to watch her sleep?

We just got this one
on my trip to Puerto Rico,

And I've been excited to display it.
Wait.

Why were you in Puerto Rico?
Were you deported?

Mom and dad got
a family vacation package,

And they took me and Zoe on this really
nice all-Expenses paid vacation.

Why didn't they bring me?
I totally could have come.

Because they don't like you.

And I think
the exact words were:

"I want this vacation
to be relaxing and pleasant,

Not a humungous pain in the ass
like it will be if J.R. Is around."

I can honestly say
at no point did anyone ever say

It would have been more fun had
you been there. You know what?

I'm sure mom and dad didn't invite me
because they know I don't like the ocean.

Of course I wouldn't wanna have fun
on a cruise. I'm sure that's it.

It wasn't a cruise, by the way.
It was a beachside resort with a pool.

Have you ever sat in a pool and
looked at the ocean? It's lovely.

Why wouldn't they want me there?
I have so many wonderful things going on.

First of all, I'm their only child.
I've got that over you.

Second of all,
I'm a wonderful person.

That is so nonsensically untrue,
I don't even know where to begin.

The first child
is always the favorite.

Right. But the first child's not the only
child. "Only child" means only child.

Number two,
I'm a wonderful person.

Number three,
I'm an aspiring actress.

You know what I think it is?
No one wanted to listen to you

Talk about living with your
professor in a den of sin.

I don't think anyone wanted
to hear about that.

I think we wanted to go down there
and concentrate on the breeze

And the pina coladas
and not your emotional turmoil

And your pathetic
shambled life.

You are such a jerk.

You know,
I should have thrown up all over this floor

To prove my point to
that Jesus freak clerk.

And what point might that be?
That you love him?

That I think his policies
are bullshit,

And this pile of vomit on the floor
is a representation of my feelings.

Well, if you'd thrown up
all over the floor,

We'd have to sleep in a room
with vomit all over the floor.

Did you ever think
about that, Einstein?

No. No, buddy, I didn't.

But if I
have to do it again,

I'm going to throw up all over
the floor in the morning.

You're throwing up all over the floor,
not just in one spot?

Yes. Absolutely.
I'm gonna stand on the bed and spin around.

It's going to be like a lawn sprinkler
but with puke just everywhere.

Shh. Oh, my god. Do you hear that?

Hear what?

I don't hear anything?
Is that what I think it is?

Maybe you do have better hearing.
Shh.

Ew. Having loud sex in a motel room.
So cliche.

I bet they're fat.
I should go tell the manager.

It's probably him having some
gross sex with a blonde woman.

This has got to be against the policies
of this Christian establishment.

A minute ago, you said you wanted
to throw up all over the room

In response to
his hateful policies.

Now you want to snitch?
This is different.

How is this different?
Because this affects me.

- Me. I'm tired.
- "Me."

I'm not gonna be able
to sleep with this noise.

Well, lucky for you,
I think it just ended.

How sad.
He was a quick... Quick to come.

Colin?
What?

Do you believe in ghosts?

I don't know. No.

I wonder if there's,
like, gay ghosts.

And if there's gay ghosts,
do you think they go "Boo"?

- I'm going to say good night now.
- Boooo!

Is that seductive?

You missed quite
the continental breakfast.

Shh.

I burned the roof of my mouth
on a piece of toast.

I didn't even know
that was possible.

Colin, just stop it.

All right, all right.
I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up. Stop.
You're so annoying.

You and Zoe
didn't tell mom or dad,

Like, why I needed you
this weekend, did you?

No.
Okay, good.

They don't care
about you anyway.

Yes, they do.
Stop it with that.

Why wouldn't they care about me? The fact
that you were living with some creepy,

Gross professor man
nearly twice your age,

And he threw you out,
and you dropped out of school,

And now you have nowhere to go,
and you're picking me up... all right.

I'll have you know that creepy
professor man that you're referring to

Is one of the top broadcast journalism
professors in the entire state.

I am clearly on a fast track to a career in
broadcasting. He got you all those great jobs,

All those wonderful auditions,
all those pathetic events

You're always going to
with your dumb little headshot.

Yeah, you have so many jobs now
because of him.

That's why nobody likes you.
You're too successful to hang out with us.

You're so successful I forget.
I forget sometimes how successful you are,

Because that's all we talk about sitting around
the dinner table is what a success you are.

Wah, wah, wah. You're so funny.
I don't understand.

Anyone you could have asked, why me?
You must know two dozen people.

I don't want to involve
more people than is necessary.

I don't need a million people to
help me carry a few stupid boxes.

I just need one person. Is that
because you want to keep it hush-Hush,

Or because you're ashamed and
embarrassed at how this is ending?

If you didn't want to come, you could've
stayed at home with your gross girlfriend.

I'm having a great time.
I'm trying to bring you on a fun trip.

I'm having a lovely time. Sure. You just
threw up the first five minutes on it.

Well, that's your fault.
Of anyone...

It's my fault. I thought you said it was
food poisoning... I'm shocked you asked me.

Whatever. There must be a reason you asked
me, and I don't know what it is yet.

Colin, I asked you because
I trust you with my stuff,

And mainly because you have
nobody important to tell.

How was the room?

It was great.
I'm sure if all goes according to plan,

We'll be naming a child after
the avalanche express lodge

In about nine months.

God bless you.

Hello. I heard somebody
having a good night last night,

If you know what I'm...

♪ I'm a wholesome blonde woman

♪ beautiful blonde woman
by day ♪

♪ And an Aryan sex machine
by night ♪

♪ Walking and talking

♪ sashaying out of
the parking lot ♪

♪ 'Cause I didn't have multiple orgasms,
I only had one ♪

♪ Wah

What's this all about?
Oh, uh, nothing.

Just making small talk
with the locals.

Um, can we go now?
Yes.

But can you drive this time?
I'm, like, so tired.

I'm not used to getting up
this early.

It's 11:00.
That's early.

Fine. But just stay awake so I
don't have to drive by myself.

Yeah, I'll stay awake.
I'll entertain you with my wit and charm

The entire ride,
I promise.

I'm gonna go use the bathroom.
Gross.

It's not that
I've given up.

There's just more important
things to me right now

Than doing whatever I feel like
every day, like you do.

So you're gonna live with mom and dad and your
girlfriend in an attic the rest of your life?

I have a low cost of living.
It's smart business.

It's pathetic and boring.
Why do you care?

Because you could be doing something fun
with you life. I am doing something fun.

Living somewhere interesting.
I am doing something interesting.

No, you're not. You're doing
something you're okay with doing.

That's so sad. That's,
like, the worst existence.

Wait. What... I've known you your
entire life, and you've never,

Ever said
that you wanted to work...

Wait. What exactly do you even do?
You don't even know.

I write the copy for focus group
presentations. It's fun and cool.

I'm bored already.
Whatever happened to being a writer?

Isn't that the whole reason
you went to school? No, no.

You can't just be a writer.
It's too pathetic to be an aspiring writer.

It has such a negative connotation to it.
I'd rather be

A successful tollbooth operator
than an aspiring anything.

That's so bleak and pathetic.
A better idea is to do what you do...

Sleep until noon,
leave the house three days a week,

Deplete your savings while you chase
down pathetic weather girl jobs.

It's my money. I can do whatever
I want with it. Just spend it.

Auditions take a lot of time.
A lot of time. A couple of hours a day

In between all the daydreaming
and the napping. I do stuff.

I don't know why you think you're
so special. Because I am special.

I don't know why you think you don't
have to work and everybody else does.

You make me, mom, dad,
and my girlfriend,

Sick to our stomachs every single
time you come up in conversation.

♪ For he's a jolly good patron

♪ for he's a jolly good patron

♪ And a special birthday guy

♪ A special

♪ birthday guy

I'm going to eat this,

But only because
I'm very hungry,

And it looks delicious.

I have to go somewhere and change this.
I am not wearing this.

Why? It's a perfectly nice shirt.
You look lovely.

Colin, I look like I had
an abortion on my shirt.

I can't wear this.

Oh, yeah.
It does kind of look like that.

Is anybody out there?
Just me.

Okay. How does this look?
Does this look better?

Well, it has less food on it,
if that's what you're going for. Ugh!

Could you get me the gray one
with the collar from the car?

I thought I was watching the door because
it won't lock. Colin, go, please.

Thank god.

Hey, I got... Ugh!
Just get in here.

Okay.

What, haven't you ever seen a
pair of beautiful bosoms before?

Not yours.
Jesus Christ. No, thanks.

Don't be modest.

You should learn modesty
a little bit.

You should learn modesty.
Took you long enough to come back here.

What were you doing out there?
I'm going to throw up if you keep talking.

Buying a Slurpee?
Fasten this for me, please.

I can't reach it.
Can you fasten my shirt, asshole?

Stop it, goddamn it.

God, I hope I gave
the professor the clap.

I hope you didn't.

I probably didn't.
I don't actually know what the clap is.

It just sounds old-timey
and itchy.

Sorry.

Does this collar look
weird peter pan-Y or good?

Uh, I don't get the reference.

There. Okay. Does this look better?
I don't know. Whatever.

Do I look barely legal in a mature way?
I don't know. Who cares?

This isn't even worth it.
I want him to see what he's missing.

You're going to move
a bunch of your shit out.

You shouldn't be dressed
in sexy heels and shorts.

So I do look sexy. Good.
You should be wearing jeans

And one of those moving belts the
guys wrap around their abdomen.

You think I should be wearing a tool
belt to go to the professor's house?

You think that's necessary?
Not a tool belt.

Those things with the suspenders
that are made of leather

That you see people wearing
when they're moving furniture

So they don't throw
their back out.

I can't imagine you being
less helpful right now.

You can go.
Fine. I'm going.

Have fun in there
doing whatever you're gonna do.

Do you remember
that babysitter we had

When we were, like, seven and nine?
We had a few.

You mean the one that talked like this?

Or the one who would pull our
ears really creepily seductively?

Earlobe one. Why, did she,
like, molest you or something?

Uh, I don't think so.

I mean, I think I would've
remembered if I had been molested.

Not necessarily.
I mean, most children that get molested

Usually repress it until they're,
like, much older and in therapy.

If I was molested,
then you were definitely molested.

You've always been a hot commodity
in the world of perverts.

Thanks. Remember that guy
with the handlebar moustache

Who worked with dad?

Uh, oh, yeah.
You mean uncle randy?

Why? What about him?
That guy wasn't our uncle.

What? Yes, he was. See? You're a hot
commodity in the world of perverts.

That's probably the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Thank you.
Anyway, my point is,

I've been thinking about
this woman a lot lately.

I feel like she might have
given me my first erection.

Is that a weird thing to have
remembered now? Ooh, boner appetit.

Uh, not really.
I'm just surprised it wasn't the one that

Talked like this

That gave you
your first erection.

She would have been mine.
Do you have a point?

Yeah, I do have a point.
My point is, you were definitely molested.

You just seem like the type. Don't look
at my crotch when you say "molested."

I'm gonna look at your crotch
and say that. Molested.

Hey, it's me.

J.R.

It's J.R. Hello.

We're, like,
about 20 minutes away.

We'll be there
in a little bit, okay?

I mean, I guess
we can wait an hour,

But that's
kind of annoying.

All right.
Look, when we get inside,

I'm probably gonna need a
minute with my professor alone,

So if you can...
Why do you still call him your professor?

It's not like you're walking into office
hours. Just call him your ex-Boyfriend.

Are you really starting this now?
No. I just think it's weird

That you still refer to him like
he's in some position of esteem

Even though the guy has revealed
himself to be nothing but a creep.

Okay, fine. Neil. I'll call him Neil.
Just... All right.

When we get in there,
don't say anything, don't do anything.

Your job is to be
silent as a mime.

Just hang out in the guest room and
pretend you're invisible, okay?

Oh, son of a bitch.

I, uh...
I told you to wait.

So, what, are you,
dating the guy now?

The guy out there?

Yeah.

Must be going well.
He seems like a really charming,

Upstanding individual.

He's really smart,
actually,

And a great listener.

Is that Colin, I guess?
I see the resemblance.

Please, let's not
bring him into this.

Okay. It seems like maybe
you brought him into this.

Right?
You want to talk, I mean, talk.

I mean, I don't need
to be reminded

How much being around you
is like babysitting.

I don't need to be reminded
how much hanging out with you

Feels like I'm at
a geriatric facility.

Let's not do "he said,
she said," okay?

I don't want to play that.
I'd rather this experience

End on a positive note
so that I can harbor

Some sort of nostalgia
for our situation.

"Situation"?
Is that really what you'd call it?

Really, can you...
oh, sorry. Sorry.

You can't handle me being
on your level, can you?

I'd hardly call it a relationship.
Would you?

I thought so, at the time, yeah.
Really?

I sort of thought of it as,
like, kind of a continuation

Of our sort of, uh,

Mentor-Pupil thing we had going
during the enrollment in our class.

Yeah, you're such a great
broadcasting professor, by the way.

Thanks for getting me all those
jobs that you seemed to promise me.

Thanks.
No problem.

I could tell you needed a strong male figure the
minute we met. I'm not gonna deny you that.

Does your daughter have a
strong male figure in her life?

We don't talk about my family,
remember?

Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.

Why are we not allowed to talk
about your family again?

Is that because you're too ashamed
to admit what a loser you are

When you remove yourself from a room
full of students half your age?

I'm starting to think
we're not gonna have

That one last conversation
I was hoping for.

I don't even know what to say.

You want to eradicate
any kind of hope I would have

To maybe, like, go out smiling
with this thing we had?

I'm not being dramatic. It's no big deal.
You came in here all amped up.

I wasn't expecting to come in here and
see you with some random girl that you...

Fair.

Well, you will be missed.
Yeah.

Yeah, I'll miss you.
I'll really miss you.

I'll miss your insecurities,
no question about that.

Sort of suitable for a 14...
12-Year old, 14-Year old...

Oh, yeah. That two-Year age difference.
I'll miss that.

I'll miss having to hold my
breath while we have sex.

I gave you dozens of orgasms.
"Dozens of orgasms"?

I feel like I could've
used that stupid sex tape

We made on your digital camera as,
like, part of my acting reel.

That's how fake it was.
You have an acting reel?

You were making that while you
were watching reality T.V.?

I mean,
w-W... I don't know anything about that.

I do work.
It's not like I'm just sitting here.

Maybe if you spent more time with me,
I wouldn't be home watching T.V.

I cannot believe that I...
I have to use the bathroom.

This is retarded.
Are you crying now?

No, I'm not crying.
I'm allergic to your stupid cat.

Another cliche.
I mean...

Being allergic to cats is a cliche?
Yeah, it's a huge cliche.

No, like, girls like you always, like,
are allergic to cats. That's a given.

"Girls like you."
Yeah.

What does that even mean?
Like, are there any, like, girls

Who are, like, remotely, like,
okay-Looking who aren't, like, nuts?

I mean, do those girls exist?
Where are they?

As in, like, faking orgasms,
speaking of cliches.

Yeah, yeah. That's what it is.
Sorry I'm not original like you.

What if for once, like, instead of, like,
asking, like, daddy to take care of you,

You actually, like, learned
to take care of yourself?

Is that an option?
You definitely didn't take care of me.

How did you
take care of me?

I don't know. Did you ever, like,
reach for a check when it came?

Did that ever happen even once? You never
took me to a restaurant that was over $12.

So I don't think I should feel
obligated to pay the check.

You're a full-Time professor. No, seriously.
Seriously, answer the question first.

Answer that question,
and then we'll just go on. Okay.

Did you ever reach for a check?
No. I never did.

That's what I'm talking about when I say,
"I took care of you."

I have to use the bathroom.
Excuse me.

So stupid.

Bitch.

I can't believe
I allowed you to, like,

Have this freaking fantasy
that we were, like, dating,

And, like,
a couple or something.

It's just,
like, ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah. What,
am I making you uncomfortable?

Could you get your things,
like...

Oh, yeah.
Like, I have so much stuff.

It's really taking up
so much room in your house.

Yeah, it's taking up
psychic energy in my house.

Ooh, psychic energy.
Yeah.

Why don't you burn sage
when I leave?

Why don't you have your
blonde whatever burn sage?

Anyway, do you want to sit back down,
or is that...

You're kind of taking up
a lot of space there.

I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable.
A little bit.

I don't know.
Like, when I think back on what we had,

All I think about is, like,
you, like, wasting my time,

Spending my money, eating my
food, ET cetera. Fuck you!

Look, I don't have to
deal with this!

I'm just here
to get my stuff!

Like, when I think of you,
I think of "ET cetera."

You're just, like,
a huge waste of my time.

You were a huge waste
of my time.

Did you ever get me any jobs
relating to broadcasting?

All these things you promised
never came to life.

Everything you've said is true,
so... Thanks.

Thanks for validating me.

Maybe we could tie a bow around
this thing, and...

Fuck you!

What the fuck is this thing?

Fuck you!
Did you hear something?

No, I'm fine.
I'm happy to leave.

This is retarded.
I can't believe... Whoa, whoa.

Oh, my god! Colin!

He tripped.

Jesus. It's a comedy of errors.
Are we about through here?

It's not that I'm not having
a fun time, because I am.

Maybe it's a lesson, like,
not to come where you're, like, unwanted.

Get away from me. Stop it.
I'll keep that in mind.

Watch out for my vase.

You care more about the vase
than helping him up?

No, you guys maybe should
hit the road.

I don't know.
Don't you think?

Fine. We'll leave.
We'll leave you here alone,

With your girl and your surprisingly
tastefully decorated apartment.

It's nice of you to come
help your sister.

Seeing your apparent
reconciliation is intriguing.

Based on what she said, I assumed you two
didn't have a very good relationship.

Don't listen to him.
He's just trying to upset you.

Some of the things she would say
are just awful. It's not even true.

Someone should write
a case study about you guys.

Like, you, like,
the victim of circumstance,

You a victim of yourself.

I don't know.

You don't know, because
you're not a child psychologist.

You're a journalism professor, so your
case study would be a piece of garbage.

Your difficulty would come

From your overwhelming lack of
experience with child psychology

And your relative
slight experience

In journalism and broadcast,
asshole.

You guys make quite the couple.
Like, one, like,

Barely able to seek and maintain
the attention of a male,

The other, like, a pathetic wreck
of postgraduate stereotyping.

What did I do?
You seem unaware

Of how little respect your sister
has for you, for starters.

Yeah, well, you know what?
I might not be the cool

Journalism professor,
student, whatever,

But I am well aware of how little
respect everyone has for me.

You know, that was even more
fun than I had anticipated.

What's next
on this exciting tour?

Abortion clinic?
Do you need an abortion?

Rape factory?
Children's wing of the local leper colony?

I've got a better idea.
Why don't we go to the local soup kitchen,

And we can feed the hungry while
listening to their sob stories?

I think that's probably
the next fun thing we can do

After what just happened.

All right. I just need a minute.
Can you just wait right here?

What? No.
Can't we just leave now? Colin!

Please.

Fuck.

Excuse me, Ms. Wagner.
How is everything?

A bit salty.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

May I say that you are
our favorite newswoman.

And could you please
sign this for me?

The whole town
would be very thrilled

If we could hang that
for the restaurant.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Ms. Wagner?
- Hi.

Don't be alarmed.
I'm not a creepy stalker or anything.

I just wanted to come over
and introduce myself.

My name is J.R.
Um, I, too, am a news anch...

Or, I should say,
I'm a perspir...

I'm an aspiring news anchor,
like you.

I just wanted to let you know that you are the
whole reason I watch W.O.R.M. every night.

You are so good on T.V.
You're, like, amazing.

You help me fall asleep
at night. I mean...

You know, your voice,
watching you on T.V.,

Not that you're helping me
fall asleep.

That's creepy and...

um, uh, I just...

The reason why I came over here
is 'cause I was just curious

If you have any advice
for somebody like myself

Trying to break into the biz,

You know,
and be on T.V. And...

anything?

Off the top of my head,

Don't interrupt people
while they're eating.

Okay.

Uh, anything else?

Okay. Well, thank you.

UN-Fucking-Believable. I'm taking
you off my vision board, Ms. Wagner.

It's, like,
Mexican-Style brunch.

I know.

J.R.?

Julia?
Julia.

Hey.
Hey.

So nice to see you.
Nice to see you, sort of.

You look so funky
and cool.

Uh, Kim?
Hey, J.R.

Kim. Oh, my god. Hey.

Nice to see you.

It's been a long time.

How's it going? Good.
We just got brunch.

It was really good.
That's cool.

Are you still trying to be
weather girl on television?

You mean a news anchor?
Yeah, I still do want to be a news anchor.

Actually,
that's why I was in town.

I just had a meeting
with Ms. Wagner,

The broadcaster on T.V.

I don't know if you know her.
She's my hero and a personal friend.

I think it went well. I don't know.
We'll see. Fingers crossed.

It's really weird that we're running
into you, 'cause we were just talking

About how we don't really see
people from high school anymore.

Really? Were you talking about how
you'd ignore people from high school

Who you used to be best friends
with until something happened?

I still feel really bad about the way
our friendship deteriorated so abruptly.

Do you?

I know what caused it and so do you.
This one.

I'm having a party tonight.
You should totally come.

No, that would be awkward.
Why would you want me to come?

Erik's gonna be there.
Erik who?

Kim's cousin is coming,
and he's an agent.

A T.V. Agent?

Yeah. He's, um...

Teddy is an agent
in Los Angeles,

And he's going to be
at the party.

And I might be able

To hook you up
with something through him.

Really?
Like, news...

News anchor roles,

If I remember
to introduce you.

Oh, my god. Yeah, if you could
introduce me, that would be amazing.

Well, I mean, maybe.
I don't know.

I'm here with my brother,
so I don't know

If we'll have time, but...
You're here with Colin?

Yeah. You should come.
Bring Colin. That would be great.

No, really?

Yeah.
Is he still kind of fat?

No, no.
He is not fat anymore.

He went on a bunch of...

He tried a lot of diets,
and it finally worked for him.

Is he cute?
I guess.

I mean, he's my brother, but...
I guess.

My brother... oh, my god.
Where is he?

Colin is back at...

Shit. I have to go.
I'm sorry.

I'll see you later.

I'm still kind of hungry.

I don't want to go to any party.
I want to go home.

That was my opinion, too, before I
realized that I'm practically homeless.

So I figured,
what's the rush?

Besides, you didn't give me
a chance to finish.

The person that invited us
to this horrible party

Is none other than your childhood crush,
Kim Thompson.

Kim Thompson?

Yep. Hottest girl in school,
besides me.

Come on. It'll be fun.
Why do you want to go to this party?

You've been moving for years
to get away from these people.

I feel like it'll be cathartic.
How?

Maybe not cathartic
but at least interesting.

Those are two completely
separate adjectives.

No party I've ever
been to or heard of

Has been anything remotely
resembling cathartic.

You want catharsis, have a near-Death
experience. Can you stop saying "cathartic"?

You said "cathartic" first. All right.
Just stop. Colin, you're being so annoying.

It's my car,
it's my rules,

And we're buying you
a completely new outfit,

'Cause you cannot go to a party
dressed like that.

What's wrong with my clothes?
What do you mean?

You look a boy that would
own a blow-Up doll.

I'm sorry, but it's true.
Well, you know,

These clothes
are not built for style,

They're built for comfort
and also for durability.

I've been wearing these jeans for years.
Exactly.

Yeah, that stain indicates as much.
Ooh-La-La.

So what?
I don't want to go to this stupid party.

Just drop me off at a movie or something.
No! Please?

Kim Thompson.

Okay. Fine.

But under one condition,
and one condition only.

You're not buying me new clothes.
Not now, not ever.

I'm only gonna go to this party if
I can go wearing my current cl...

Okay. Oh.

I think that's
good enough, right?

Colin, just please come out.

You've been in there for,
like, 45 minutes.

No way.
I feel ridiculous.

These pants are so tight.
How can any man enjoy this?

I have no breathing room.
I feel my sperm count just disappearing

Every second I'm standing here.
"I feel my sperm count just disappearing."

Just think of these pants as, like,
stylish birth control or something.

I don't even know
what the point of this is.

There was nothing wrong
with my initial pants.

Your pants are a nightmare,
Colin.

That's the whole reason we're here.
Pants are pants!

Pants are not all
created equally.

Please, just come out.

I'm not gonna judge you.

No. I feel ridiculous.
Look, we're on a schedule.

I just can't...
what are you doing in there?

Why aren't you wearing a shirt?
What are you doing? Stop it.

Colin, can you come here?

Please?

Okay. Okay.

Do you think I should
grow my bangs out

Or leave them
the length they are...

Like, short?

I don't care at all.
Not even a tiny bit, I promise.

I just feel like...
I don't know...

Like, without these,
like, funky bangs,

Like,
how are casting directors gonna know

That I'm the type of girl
that likes music and art

And, like, cultural stuff,
you know?

No, I don't.

Oh, that's not actually that bad.
No.

This shirt isn't a nightmare.
The sleeves aren't long enough.

I have long arms.
I need adequate coverage.

No, this is the look.
What are you doing? Stop.

This is how it's supposed to look.
Now I'm going to get all cold.

My wrists are exposed.
You remember what dad always said, Colin?

"The person who exposes himself
is always the life of the party."

This is
a win-Win situation.

You coming?
What?

Are you coming?
No.

♪ Sometimes late at night

♪ from my motel room,
it just don't seem right ♪

♪ that you're home alone

♪ gotta spend all the time
by the telephone ♪

♪ it's better than nothin'

♪ I know it ain't
the real thing ♪

♪ operator, won't you
give them my home? ♪

My clothes are all dirty.
Oh, are they?

Yeah. My favorite pair of pants in the
world are filthy now because of you.

Having fun?
Yeah.

You proud of yourself?
Yeah.

You okay with your life?
Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. With yours?
I'm okay with it.

I have a great life.
Yeah? I don't think so.

Oh, look at this dog.
He's so cute. Look.

Is this dog going to bite her?
No.

So cute.

There's no chance
it's going to bite her?

Are you excited for this party tonight?
No.

Well, what about slutty time
with Kim Thompson?

What about it?

She said that her cousin
would be there.

He's, like, an agent.

That's a good look for you.
This is the best you've ever looked.

This is how much I wanna go to the party.
Oh, really?

That doesn't
make any sense.

Have one.
I don't want one.

Come on.
No. I don't want one.

They're so good.
I don't want to eat anything.

Your shirt...
Your outfit looks good.

Christ, it's still all sugary.
What the hell is that thing made out of?

Oh, Colin, do you know how
rare these offensive figurines are?

I wish real black people were as
rare as this. Oh, Colin. Shh.

Don't say that out loud.
You knew I would love Boston.

Then don't judge them.
I don't judge them.

I look at a good-Looking black,

A good-Looking Asian woman,

The same way I look
at a good-Looking man.

Uh, what does that mean?
I can see how...

a gay man or a woman
would find this guy attractive.

But for me, I have nothing.
My sexual preference is for white women,

And I don't expect to be
discriminated against. Oh, sorry.

♪ I'm gonna put the rubber
to the road ♪

Did you ever find
any weird sex stuff growing up?

I think I'm going
to purchase this bedpan.

It seems like
it might be useful.

Colin, did you just hear
what I asked you?

Uh, I did, but I'm ignoring you,
so I won't be responding.

Can we please get out of here
before you break something?

I'm not gonna
break any...

Colin! Jesus Christ!

What are we gonna do?
Let's just go.

We can't just go.
Why not?

The car's right outside.
We have to pay for this.

Let's get out of here.
We've got a problem here.

She did it. No, I didn't!
No, he broke it.

I'm sorry.
You break it, you buy it.

Okay. Well, how much, um...
How much could it possibly be?

It's $500 for the vase.

Oh, Colin.

Um, no, seriously.

I'm serious.

Do you have $500?

I guess I can't get
this bedpan now.

I can't believe we're going to a party
with your friends from high school.

I can't believe I actually got
you to wear those skinny jeans.

Great. I feel really cool.
All right. Look.

There's a few things we need to
go over before we go in, okay?

Number one: Nobody can know I
was living with my professor.

Why is that?
Number two... Just listen.

Number two: If anybody asks,
the only reason why I'm not on T.V. Yet

Being a news anchor is because
I'm not settling for local stuff.

I'm only holding out
for major markets, okay?

What constitutes
a major market?

Nobody's gonna ask you that.
What if they do?

Oh, my god!
You just spit in my eye.

Look, if somebody said
"major markets" to me,

The first thing I would say is,
"what constitutes a major market?"

So if someone asks me that,
I wanna be prepared.

All right. Fine.

New York, Philadelphia... Wait.
Hang on a second.

...Hollywood, Los an...
I have to write this down.

You don't need to. It's not a big deal.
I'm not gonna remember.

I didn't know I was gonna
have to memorize material.

This is really stressful
for me.

Boston, Newark...

- Delaware or new jersey?
- Delaware.

I hardly think that
constitutes a major market.

Ugh! It doesn't matter,
'cause nobody's gonna ask you.

Promise me that once we get inside,
you're not gonna disappear,

Leaving me alone with people
I don't know all night.

I can't handle that right now.
I promise you

I will not leave you alone
at this party.

I'll pinky swear with you
that I won't leave you alone.

That's how honest
and genuine I am.

I don't pinky swear.
It's a barbaric practice.

Then I can't guarantee
that I'm telling the truth.

Then tough shit.
I'm gonna go home.

Wait a minute.
Is that Harriet Tubman?

Gotcha.

I'll be right back.

So, who invited you?

Oh. My bad.

So how's your mom doing?
She's good, you know?

She's been, uh...

She's been a little sick
the last of couple weeks.

But I think I'm gonna have to
get out of here in a minute.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Oh, that's too bad.

I wanted to ask you
more about your family.

And we haven't caught up in a long time.
Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah. That's true.

Kim, can you believe
I really made it?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Well, my cousin actually just
had to leave for Los Angeles.

I'm really sorry.

Oh. I completely
forgot about that.

Um, it's all good.
I mean, my manager probably

Wouldn't want me meeting with, like,
random agents anyway, you know?

He'd want a commission
through your cousin or whatever.

What kind of roles
are you looking for?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

I mean, all...
I can do all sorts of stuff.

I kind of have the diversity

Of a young Robert Redford.

Um, well, if you see
your cousin again,

I guess just
give him my, uh, resume.

It'll probably tell him,
you know, my range.

So, thanks.

Looks like you had
a little accident there.

Oh, yeah. This. Um...

some gentleman spilled
some red wine on me earlier.

It was...
It wasn't on purpose.

It was, you know,
just one of those things that happens.

Uh, would you like
a slice of pineapple?

No, thanks.

Yeah. Who's the idiot
who brought that, anyway?

Oh. Yeah. Boy, what idiot
would bring this?

Actually, you know,
pineapple is a sign of hospitality.

So maybe it's not such an idiot
who brought this after all.

Perhaps the person
who provided this

Just wanted everyone at the party
to have a nice nutritious snack.

Uh, you know,
I've heard that pineapple...

Actually,
if you eat a lot of it,

It reduces swelling if you get
your wisdom teeth taken out.

I still have mine.
So I'll keep that in mind. Thank you.

Well, I've also heard that if
a man eats a lot of pineapple,

It will make his ejaculate
taste delicious.

Why are you
telling me this?

I don't know. I figured maybe
I could eat this entire thing,

And we can all see what happens.
I gonna go now.

Okay. That's great.
I'm just gonna stay here

And cut this pineapple up
and eat it a little bit myself.

You know, broadcasting is just
such a hard thing to break into.

You know, it's like these people
get these on-Camera jobs,

And they don't ever
want to leave.

They hold on for dear life, even if there's
people out there who are way more talented.

But, I mean,
it'll happen eventually.

I mean, me and my manager
are setting up jobs

In, you know,
major markets.

Nothing local, so...

what are major markets?

Oh, hey, bro.
I forgot to mention.

There's a dress code
for men.

Men have to
wear jackets.

I got this one
special for you.

Put it on, now.
I insist.

Good evening.
I'm your nightly correspondent, J.R.

In other news, multiple school children
were found bludgeoned to deaf...

Bludgeoned to death.

All right. Wait.
Let me start over. Okay.

Good evening.
In other news,

Multiple school children
were found bludgeoned to death,

Their bodies stuffed
in a garbage disposer...

- Garbage...
- Garbage chute...

Garbage chute. Ugh!

This always happens
in auditions!

Whatever. It's way harder
than it looks on T.V.

You know that.

Where are you going?
I... Good...

how is that?

It's really good.

Can we go home now?

Why?
We just got here.

I'm having
a horrible time.

Somebody spilled drink on me on purpose.
You don't even notice.

None of the girls want to eat
any of my pineapple.

You owe me for that pineapple,
by the way.

Who's your friend?

Uh, fr... No, no.
This is my brother Colin.

You remember.
Colin?

Hi, Kim.
I didn't even recognize you.

You've known me
since I was six.

Yeah, but you
used to be so...

I mean, you look so different now.
Do I?

I didn't used to have all this
drink spilled on me.

That must be it.
You know, Colin used to have

The biggest crushes
on you guys growing up.

I don't know if you knew that.
What the fuck?

It's true. Do you remember in tenth
grade when we took those photos

In our bathing suits?
Yeah.

He saved all of them.

Even the ones of me.
Isn't that kind of weird?

I don't mind. Yeah.
Colin, we're flattered.

Yeah, well, uh, J.R. Didn't know
how to read until she was ten.

Isn't that hilarious?
I had to teach her, and I'm younger.

It's not true.
You're so funny, Colin.

I am, but it's not as funny as
you not knowing how to read

Until you were in fourth grade.
Shut up. Excuse me.

I should probably go call my manager and
see if any casting people called me.

Excuse me.

Hi.

I'm Colin.

You know,
it's just hard,

Because you still want
to go out, you know?

I mean, I'm only 26,
but I have a husband and a kid.

Oh, you got married
and had a kid already?

Well, of course I did.

I mean, how else do you think
I get to be here tonight?

Let me tell you, the only thing better
than having a live-In babysitter

Is having a husband
in a back brace.

Ooh-La-La.
Sounds romantic.

Can I talk to you?

This is way less fun
than I thought it was gonna be.

You think I have a shot at Kim?
I think things are going well with us.

Oh, my god, yes.
Totally.

That's the only thing good
in this party.

I feel like Kim is giving you
really slutty eyes.

I feel like you should go for it.
It's surprising.

I didn't bring my "a" game,
I didn't prepare any jokes,

Nothing, but here she is,
giving everything to me.

Now, J.R.,

You are very bohemian
to me.

Is that the word I'm looking for?
It is.

So you choose
to express yourself

In a very different way,
and I respect that.

I'm just wondering

How you can get a job
looking the way that you do.

I mean, what's your secret?
Oh, well, I...

It's more than just
gainful employment,

It's about finding a job
that matters,

Always working towards
being the best in your field,

Making good career choices.

Ah, good career choices.

Like what?

Well, I'm a junior accountant
at one of the biggest

Telecommunication firms
in the city.

Pretty soon,
that's gonna be senior accountant.

I am assistant to the head
of client management

At an artist's union.

I work for a temp agency.

Oh, my god. I temped before.
It's so boring.

Oh, I was entering data, like,
for two weeks straight.

I felt like a robot.
I totally know what that's like.

No, no. I, uh...
I'm not a temp.

That's sort of ridiculous.

I work
for the temp agency.

I place people in positions.

J.R., How do you have time
for all your little auditions?

I mean, do you do them
after work?

Or do you have
a flexible job?

I mean,
I can't imagine what kind of job you have.

You have such a kooky
sense of humor.

Uh, no, no.
Let's keep talking about you.

I'm just, like,
a fly on the wall at this party.

J.R., Don't be so modest.
Even if it is just a day job,

It's still a really big
part of your life.

Uh, no... I mean,
it's not like you're just

Sitting around doing nothing,
like, waiting for a phone call

Asking you to be a weather girl
like you were in high school.

Uh,
no.

That would be weird
and pathetic, right?

Yeah.
So what is it?

Uh, no, no.

No, what?
No...

Nurse. I am a nurse.

Well, there you go.
For a minute there,

We thought you didn't
do anything.

How silly would that be?

That would be sickening.

That's nurse talk...
Sick.

It's just such

A beautiful,

Noble profession.

God bless you, J.R.

God bless you

And the American
nursing association.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

That's okay. No.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's fine. I... No.

Whoo!

Look, you got a choice
to make, buddy.

You can go on
and get out of here,

And we can wait for that girl
I hear is your hot sister

To get drunk enough so we
can audition her ourselves.

That is tempting.

But, uh, what's
my other choice?

Or you can take your gauche ass out
of here and replenish our supplies.

Supplies? What,
like cleaning supplies?

Party supplies, asshole.
We need cups and shit.

Store's down the street.

It's your choice.

Or we can just drag your
under-Dressed ass out of here

And beat the shit
out of you.

Hey.
Hey.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about all of that.

Oh, whatever.
It's okay.

I just... I didn't realize
you were a nurse.

Had I known, I never would have
put you on the spot like that.

Whatever. It's fine. You and that
guy just seemed so uncomfortable.

You mean my brother?
Brother?

Yeah.
Well, anyway,

I just want you to know
that I have great respect

For everyone
in the medical profession.

W-Why is that?

Because of my crippling polio.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...

I didn't mean to...
I can't feel that.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay.

Hey.
Hey.

Are you guys really only
here for one night?

Oh, yeah.
I mean, I'm just here

To help Colin move his stuff
out of his girlfriend's house.

They just broke up, so...

that's why I took him
out to this party,

'Cause he's so
down in the dumps.

That was really
sweet of you.

I don't think I'd ever
do that for my brother.

Yeah, neither would I.
Supplies!

Colin! Oh, my god!
Are you okay?

You guys
are such assholes!

Thank god we have a nurse
on the premises.

All right.
Just take your time.

Just slow, slow.
Easy, easy.

Just... all right.

Just stay right there.
I'll be right back.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe
that just happened.

Should I disrobe for the
remainder of my physical?

Yeah, sure.

Let nurse J.R. Go
and get you a paper robe.

Colin,
I'm so sorry about this trip.

This has been
a nightmare.

No, it's no problem.
Thanks.

I'm having a great time.

It's definitely not as cathartic
as I thought it was gonna be.

I think it's pretty nice.

Yeah, right.

Am I interrupting something?

Uh, no.

I'll be right back.

Hi. I got that for you.

Oh, thanks.
This is just what I need.

I've wanted to do that
since I was 11.

Mm. I've been
wanting to do it

Since you walked
in the door this evening.

What's going on
in here?

Oh...
nothing.

We were just making out.

Um, but we're finished now.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Thanks, Kim.
My brother really needed that.

Fuck you,
and your stupid weather girl career.

We were only ever friends with you
because your family had a trampoline.

I'm sorry.
Fuck you, is what I mean. Fuck you.

I'm gonna go throw up
before we leave.

Let's just keep this between us, all right?

That was really cathartic, actually.

Thanks for including me
in this fun, fun party.

You think? Whoops.
Can we drive home now?

Now?
Yes.

No. You are so drunk.

We're not driving
all the way home.

I don't wanna spend another night
in a hotel. No more, anywhere.

I just wanna go home,
get in my own bed.

Let's just go to grandma
and grandpa's cabin.

It's, like, so close.
What?

That's, like,
12 hours away from here.

It's, like,
less than an hour.

I used to make the drive
with Neil all the time.

It's really not that far.
Really?

Tell you what. I'll go to the
cabin, but you go get the car.

I'm just gonna lay down here on the
sidewalk and take a nice little nap.

That sounds like
a good plan.

Colin, what the hell
is this?

Looks like something
from aunt Connie's funeral.

What?
Aunt Connie's dead?

What are you talking about?
Yes, aunt Connie died.

I just saw her, like,
ten months ago.

Yeah, she died,
like, six months ago.

Why didn't
anybody tell me?

I think mom and dad kind of
decided not to invite you

Because they thought you would be a
little bit of a downer at the funeral.

I'd be a downer
at a funeral?

Isn't that kind of harsh?
Well, I don't know.

Just the whole unemployment,
professor thing.

You just kind of weren't invited.
But it was a lovely service.

Oh, I'm sure.

You really think I would have been
that much of a downer at a funeral?

It wasn't my decision.

I'm sleeping over there.

Good night.

Come in.

Colin, we're
the only ones here.

You don't have to knock.
Sorry.

It's okay.
What's up?

Can I, uh...

can I put something
to you?

What do you mean,
put something to me?

Like, ask you something.

Why don't you just say,
"can I ask you something?"

I don't know. What does it matter?
All right. What is it?

I don't want to say it.
Colin, what?

What is it?
Okay.

Tonight, at the, uh...
The party,

Did I seem at all
like any of those people?

No, not really.

I just feel like...
I don't know.

The way you looked at them,
I just saw so much hatred.

I would never...
I would never feel comfortable

With anyone looking at me
like that.

I mean, you annoy me,
but I could never look at you like that.

Those people are losers.

Yeah. I guess.

I just feel like there's
so much pressure put

On having, like,
an interesting

Or exciting,
unpredictable life.

I thought so too.

But I'm kind of realizing

Having an unpredictable life
is sort of overrated.

Oh, yeah?

I don't know.
I mean,

Just the... The way
you've talked to me

And what you said about,

You know, just people
with these pathetic jobs, and...

I don't know.
I mean, I would never...

I would never want you
to look at me like that.

I could never look at you
like that.

Those people are fails.

We're special.

They're, like, normal.

Yeah.
But wait.

But you wanted to make out
with Kim, though, right?

Yeah.
I mean, I had to.

I owed it to myself...
My younger self.

I guess.

I wonder what
she's doing now.

Do you think
she hates us?

I don't know.
Probably.

It's weird.
I wonder if she's, like, asleep.

I wonder if... Isn't it weird that,
like, everyone goes to sleep at night?

Like, everyone is, like,
in bed, sleeping.

Like, there's not one person
that doesn't sleep. Yeah.

Except sharks.

I guess Zoe's
probably asleep now.

Oh, yeah.
What about Zoe?

You two are, like, together,
for serious, right?

Yeah. What about her?
I don't know.

Are you gonna tell her
what happened?

No. I mean, I couldn't.

You know,
the situation with her is so fucked.

We haven't actually...
In what way?

We haven't actually had
any sex for,

Like, weeks or months.

Wait. Mom and dad didn't
take you to Puerto Rico?

No. No, we went to Puerto Rico.
We just, you know...

I lied about how romantic it was.

I'm sure, you know,
the way things are going,

I'm gonna be on the suburban
marriage wagon any day now,

With male pattern baldness
and varicose veins.

It's a relief to hear
that you didn't...

I didn't what?

I don't know. I mean, it's just,
like, I was thinking about her,

But I guess that's
pretty much it.

I don't know.

You're not gonna end up
like a normal suburban loser

Like those people.

I'll come whisk you
and your stupid...

Or precious
gargoyles away

Before I'd ever
let that happen.

I see you, like,
twice a year.

You know, I'd be completely a lost
cause before you ever got to me.

No.

Just call me,
and I'll pull you...

I'll whisk you away
to one of my...

Whoever my new
mentor/suitor is.

We can live in
their basement or something.

No, it's way too late
for me.

I'm trapped,
and I've floated away to sea.

No! No, you're okay,
honestly.

I mean, what would you
rather be doing

If you weren't having
your current life?

What do you mean,
like a plan "a"?

Yeah. Like, what's your plan "a"?
What's your, like, dream life?

I don't know.
I mean, I guess at some point,

I thought maybe
I could teach.

Teaching?
That's ironic.

You were always the one to say teaching is,
like, the biggest failure...

That there's nothing worse
than teaching...

That teaching is allowing others to fail...
To fail.

...while spinning
your own wheels.

You really remember
exactly what I said.

Well, yeah.
I mean, it had an effect.

I mean, at one point,
I thought

I maybe would
pursue teaching,

And you kind of talked
me out of it.

You? Teach?
Yeah.

You're not qualified to teach.
You're barely qualified to learn.

Thanks, I guess.

I don't know. I mean, it just felt
like something that I could do.

It's something that, you know,
I don't have to struggle in.

It just seemed
like an option, but...

Yeah, but then what?

You, like, teach for ten years,
and then what?

What are you gonna do then?

I guess you can just fuck your young
students and promise them jobs.

Shut up.

I'm sorry.
I'm in no position to judge.

No.
But I guess I could imagine you, though.

What?
Fucking my students?

Yeah. Or teaching?
Or fucking my students?

Yeah. Having sex with your students.
I mean... Thanks.

The way you were with Kim tonight,
I can just imagine

All the creepy perverse stuff you're
capable of that I didn't think before.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you don't know the half of it.

Ooh-La-La.
I don't even want to know.

Oh, remember...

Remember what I was saying
earlier about mom's vibrator?

Or I started to tell you,
and then you cut me off at the store?

Yes. I've been unable to get
an erection because of it.

It's haunted me every second
since you told me.

Wait. Kim didn't
give you a boner?

Um...
sorry.

I was just thinking if there was a way I could
kill myself before you go on with this.

Don't you want to hear a story
about mom's vibrator?

Isn't that what every...

Every young man
wants to hear about?

Um, well, since I guess I can't actually
kill myself before you keep talking,

You might as well
just go on.

- Okay.
- Well, don't tell anyone, but...

When I...
When I found it...

I don't know why,
but I felt like I should smell it.

Isn't that disgusting?
I don't know.

I just...
I just thought, like...

I don't know when the last time she,
like, used it or what,

Or if it was just
a family heirloom or something,

But I just wanted to know
what it smelled like.

Yeah? And?

It didn't smell
like anything.

So... nothing at all.
Nothing?

I mean, maybe that means that
if you ever have children,

Mom passed on the no-Smell
private part to your offspring.

Congratulations.
Your daughter will be a big hit at parties.

I know. Don't tell me that a
scent-Free vagina is a great thing,

Like I don't
already know that.

Is there any other scent-Related family
information you want to pass on to me?

Did you ever smell any...
Any underpants around the house?

Ooh-La-La. No, sadly. Is there any ass
information you can divulge to me?

All right. Stop. No... Okay.
I'm sorry. I'll... I'll stop.

I'll stop with all the butt cracks.

That actually was...

so stupid.

Oh, I can just imagine you,
though,

Being a teacher.

You would be...

I can just imagine you, like,
in front of some class.

You're, like, wearing
your stupid marshmallow shoes

And, like, some...
Your stupid jeans

And some weird off-The-Rack blazer,
being like,

"Come on, class.
Listen to me.

"Come... You know,
I'm a serious professor.

"Look at me.

Look at my gargoyles.
Ooh."

Oh, you really got me
down pat there.

What else is there?
That's it.

That's all you say to the class,
then you walk out.

No, I can just imagine it, though.
Like...

like,
you gathering your stuff,

Like, after class.

Like, everyone leaves.
And you're just, like, such an awkward guy.

And the class has, like,

Never had a teacher
like you before,

And, like, they don't know
what to make of you.

And, like, I'm sure
there's, like, some, like,

Random girl
at the end of class.

She's, like, packing up
her books really slowly

As everybody leaves.

And you're, like...
You're, like,

Putting your books
in your, like, satchel

Or whatever
professors carry.

She, like,
walks over to you

And asks for, like,
a minute of your time.

She's wearing, like,
some sort of, like...

I don't know...
Like, old-Fashioned,

Like, angora sweater

And, like,
pleated shorts or something...

Something like
from the movies.

And, like...

I can just see it.
Like, she's...

she's like, "oh, professor,
can I talk to you? Can I talk to you?"

And you're, like...
You, like, appreciate her,

'Cause she's, like,
the only one in the class that,

Like, laughs at
your stupid jokes.

And, like,
nobody knows,

But, like,
she's wearing a pin

That you gave to her.

'Cause, like, one day,
you were wearing it,

And she said she liked it,
and then you just, like...

Weeks later, you just,
like, had one for her

When you gave her
back her notes.

Yeah, I can just imagine.

Casually,
you go to the movies,

And you leave
a seat empty,

Hoping that somebody
will sit there.

And nobody does. But then,
right as the movie starts...

Right as the movie starts,
she walks in.

She walks down the aisle

And takes the seat where
you put your stupid blazer.

She sits down.

I can just imagine
that maybe that night,

You, like,
held each other's hand

While you shared popcorn,

Even though
she doesn't like butter.

So you didn't even put butter
on it just to be nice.

And then you don't
talk again until later,

After the movie.

Another time at,
like, office hours,

You give her back
her rough draft with,

Like, notes in it.

And scribbled on page four
is an address.

Your address, obviously.

She's not a minute late.

And right as you open the door,
she's there.

She looks so...

ready and...

fun

And a good person.

And she'll be a success.

And you guys
get each other,

Which is so rare.

And it just...

I don't know.
It just makes sense.

That's what it'd be like if
you were a professor, I think.

Sounds like
your kind of guy.

I guess he is.

Colin?
Yeah?

Can you call me Jeanette
right now? Please?

No one's called you Jeanette
since you were 11.

Just do it.
Okay, Jeanette.

Good night, Colin.

Good night, Jeanette.

Is that it?

That's it.

Do you think I'll ever make it
to a major market?

Not if you keep acting out
like you do.

I could say
the same thing to you.

I guess we'll just
have to wait and see.

Yeah. We'll see.

Have fun.

Good luck.

♪ I'm loving you desperately

♪ but you just can't see

♪ I give you two open arms

♪ so you can run
straight to me ♪

♪ but, boy, your reaction

♪ is a little bit strange

♪ you're starting
to play the part ♪

♪ watch out with the game

♪ so sit and let me talk to you
♪ ♪ sit and let me talk to you

♪ you're lookin' like
it's bad news ♪

♪ are you trying to say
we're through? ♪

♪ But I just want,
I just wanna know ♪

♪ is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away

♪ I can't understand

♪ is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away

♪ I've got to know

♪ oh, I've got to know

♪ don't be afraid to say

♪ that what we had is through

♪ I want you to tell me, boy

♪ what did I do?
♪ Tell me, what did I do?

♪ I hope I'm just
guessin' this ♪

♪ and it's not really true

♪ so, please,
won't you tell me, boy ♪

♪ tell me,
what's wrong with you ♪

♪ where is the love
that you had for me? ♪

♪ You might as well
explain it, boy ♪

♪ and get it over real fast

♪ I don't know
what you're trying to say ♪

♪ but I bet,
I bet I can guess ♪

♪ is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is
the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ Is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is
the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ I've got to know

♪ oh, I've got to know

♪ where is the love
that you had for me? ♪

♪ Where is the love
that you had for me? ♪

♪ No, no

♪ is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is
the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ I can't understand you,
speak up ♪

♪ is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ where is the love that you had for me?
♪ ♪ I can't understand

♪ is that lovin' in your heart
that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is
the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ Is that what you're sayin'?

Closed-Captioned by J.R. Media
services, inc. Burbank, ca