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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:12,413 # You must remember this 2 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:15,014 # A kiss is still a kiss 3 00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:18,217 # A sigh is just a sigh 4 00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:24,209 # The fundamental things apply 5 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:28,259 # As time goes by # 6 00:00:30,460 --> 00:00:32,655 Will somebody get that? 7 00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:34,696 I'm in the sink. 8 00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:40,013 You're not in the sink at all. 9 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,056 Just open the door, will you? 10 00:00:47,140 --> 00:00:48,892 Good morrow, sire. 11 00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:50,698 Not today, thank you. 12 00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:55,175 What's going on? 13 00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:57,535 Oh, some fool. 14 00:00:57,620 --> 00:01:00,737 - Good morrow again, sire. - Now, look. 15 00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:03,778 Please, don't close the door again. I've been sent. 16 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,896 - Is this a religious thing? - No! 17 00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:08,771 I deliver messages. My job. 18 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,578 I see. Who's the message for? 19 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:12,457 Er... let's have a look. 20 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:15,657 - The, er... "fair Judith". - You'd better come in and wait. 21 00:01:15,740 --> 00:01:18,095 - She's in the bath. - Thank you, good sir. 22 00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:21,377 Oh, do stop doing that. Judy! There's somebody to see you. 23 00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:24,577 - I'll be down in a minute. - You'd better wait in there. 24 00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:27,094 Thank you, good sir... 25 00:01:27,180 --> 00:01:28,932 Ta. 26 00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:36,016 Can I get you a flagon of mead or anything? 27 00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,056 - Pardon? - Doesn't matter. 28 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,968 What was all that about? 29 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,255 It's a herald. 30 00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:48,049 - I thought you said herald. - I did. He's got a message for Judy. 31 00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,335 - She's in the bath. - I know. I sent him up. 32 00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,815 ...better not be, or I will be late. 33 00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,856 - Oh, hello, herald. - Ooh! 34 00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:02,049 Greetings, good lady. 35 00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:05,177 Er... "Greetings, fair Judith." 36 00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:07,569 - No, I'm not fair Judith. I'm fair Jean. - Oh. 37 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,810 And I'm fair Lionel. 38 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:13,779 - Alistair Deacon sent you, didn't he? - Sir Alistair of Swiss Cottage, yes. 39 00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,896 How did you know? 40 00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:18,540 - He sent me a gorillagram once. - She shot him. 41 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,212 - You didn't! - No, I didn't. 42 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,768 Stay down there. Here comes the fair Judith. 43 00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:25,009 Ah. 44 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,455 - "Greetings, fair Judith." - Oh, no. 45 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:30,179 - No, Judy, don't go. - Oh, I feel such a fool. 46 00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:32,251 How do you think he feels? 47 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,857 - I'm supposed to be an occasion. - And you are. 48 00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:37,817 There's no doubt about that. 49 00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,698 - Don't take your clothes off, do you? - Certainly not. 50 00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,692 - Go on then, get it over with. - "Greetings, fair Judith." 51 00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,169 Just a minute. I think we're in the line of fire. 52 00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:50,378 - Come on. That's better. Now. - Thank you. 53 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,972 "Greetings, fair Judith. 54 00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:56,416 "My heart aches for the sweet pleasure of your company. 55 00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:01,654 "And my pulse races for the touch of your soft lips on mine." 56 00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,174 - Is there much more? - Er... No. 57 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:10,176 "I beseech you to sup with me tonight in a country hos... tel... 58 00:03:10,260 --> 00:03:12,251 That's probably "hostelry". 59 00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:14,729 Oh, hostelry. Thank you. 60 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:19,098 "...where we may recapture all that is warm and tender between us. 61 00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:23,935 "I tremble with... anticipation for your response, 62 00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:27,012 "Sir Alistair of Swiss Cottage." 63 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,614 - Very well done. - Thank you. 64 00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:32,260 This response of mine. Do you deliver that? 65 00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:36,538 Oh, yes. I'm a two-way service. I have a pad here somewhere. 66 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:38,690 You won't need a pad, its only two words. 67 00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:40,816 Judy. 68 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,777 Just say, "No, thanks." 69 00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:46,810 Is that all? You don't want me to flower it up a bit? 70 00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:50,609 Yes, all right then. Say, "Definitely no thanks." 71 00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:53,490 I'm sorry. 72 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,935 Oh, well. Nothing to be done. 73 00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:59,296 - It's the way it goes sometimes. - Yes, I can see why. 74 00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:01,735 Would you like a cup of tea before you go? 75 00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:05,495 No, thanks. I've got the Mondeo on residents' parking. 76 00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:07,457 Well, cheerio. 77 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,496 - Cheerio. - No need to show me out. 78 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:12,219 Oh. Well, farewell, herald! 79 00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:18,453 - Not much of a job, is it? - I wouldn't do it. 80 00:04:18,540 --> 00:04:20,690 You haven't got the knees for it, anyway. 81 00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:23,731 Did I just see what I thought I saw? 82 00:04:23,820 --> 00:04:25,538 Yes, it was a heraldgram for Judy. 83 00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,975 - Alistair? - Well, who else? 84 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:31,689 He wanted her to dine with him tonight in a quiet country hostelry. 85 00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:35,136 That'll be a five-star country hotel with a suite already booked. 86 00:04:35,220 --> 00:04:38,417 - Well, she said no, anyway. - I don't blame her. 87 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:41,697 That's typical Alistair. He's in Judy's bad books, 88 00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:44,169 so he does something flashy to get out of them. 89 00:04:44,260 --> 00:04:46,569 Anyway, she's seeing someone at the moment. 90 00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:48,218 - Oh? - Yes. 91 00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:51,258 She met him at a party. She seems quite taken with him. 92 00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:53,490 - That's good. - Oh. 93 00:04:53,580 --> 00:04:55,093 Why make a face like that? 94 00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:58,889 Judy's history as a picker of men borders on the disastrous. 95 00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:00,811 Well, thank you for that. 96 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,937 Oh, Judy! Oh, Judy! Judy! 97 00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:06,853 I bet you wish you were in a monastery sometimes. 98 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,170 No, I wouldn't like the hours. 99 00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:12,491 - Or the frocks. - Not really my style. 100 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,777 I wish Jean would just let Judy get on with things. 101 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,737 You know what parents are like. 102 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:21,529 Oh, I don't know. My father had a brief chat to me about women and so on 103 00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,372 then left me to my own devices. 104 00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:25,928 Must have been a very succinct chat. 105 00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:29,729 Not really. I didn't understand most of what he talked about at all. 106 00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:31,776 - How old were you? - 32. 107 00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:35,415 No, about 15, I think. 108 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,570 Why is Judy a bad picker? 109 00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:41,289 I don't know. It isn't easy these days. 110 00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:43,575 Men have become a rather confused crowd. 111 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:45,616 Younger men, I mean. 112 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:49,329 I've been out with a bloke a few times and he's confused. He's a teacher. 113 00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:51,536 You can't blame him. Kids these days. 114 00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:54,339 No. Confused about his role, I mean. 115 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,854 He's polite, he's gentle. 116 00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,215 But he apologises every ten minutes. 117 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,858 - What for? - Well, you name it. 118 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,090 He seems to think it's his fault if it rains. 119 00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:05,933 It's better than some Neanderthal with a club. 120 00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:08,818 Of course it is, but he's too apologetic. 121 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,778 He's too... bendable. Do you know what I mean? 122 00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:14,900 - Probably not. - Judy? Judy! 123 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,255 Don't you think you're overreacting? 124 00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:20,491 No, I don't. I don't like being talked about behind my back. 125 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:23,048 So I shall resort to public announcements. 126 00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:26,530 His name is Paul and we've been out a few times. 127 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,339 We get on very well and I think he's a nice bloke. 128 00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:32,617 Given my history, I'm probably wrong, but there you go. 129 00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:36,773 Paul is a journalist. He's 45 years old, separated from his wife, 130 00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:40,250 and this evening, I'm having dinner with him and his two children. 131 00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:41,693 End of bulletin. 132 00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:45,936 Two children! 133 00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:49,054 I knew you'd say that. 134 00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:52,976 I hope you like this restaurant, Sandy. 135 00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:54,937 I'm sure I shall. 136 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:58,729 I haven't tried it personally, you see. A friend recommended it to me. 137 00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:02,096 - Fine. - Sorry if it's not up to much. 138 00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:06,173 Trevor, you're apologising for a place before we've even tried it. 139 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,774 - Sorry. - Don't keep doing it. 140 00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:11,055 - Sorry. - You're doing it again. 141 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:14,576 Sor... Well, it looks quite nice, doesn't it? 142 00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:17,174 That's the spirit. Yes, it does. 143 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:20,332 But if it's not up to much, you will let me know, won't you? 144 00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:22,854 Honestly. I could hit you sometimes. 145 00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:27,093 Could you really? 146 00:07:32,860 --> 00:07:34,737 I've put the plates in to warm. 147 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:36,776 - Oh, yes? - For the takeaway. 148 00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:39,691 Where's the takeaway? 149 00:07:39,780 --> 00:07:43,295 - I just went out for the paper. - I know that's what you said, 150 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,929 and I said, "Shall we have a takeaway?" and you said you'd bring one. 151 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:49,580 - I didn't. - Are you sure? 152 00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:53,333 You're quoting a conversation which we didn't have. 153 00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:56,730 I must be imagining it. Hope I don't start making a habit of that. 154 00:07:56,820 --> 00:08:00,608 I know what this is. Your damn sister-in-law coming to dinner tomorrow. 155 00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:03,055 - We owe her a dinner. - I know that. 156 00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:05,608 I'm talking about the effect she has on you. 157 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:09,932 One phone call and you start quoting conversations we've never had. 158 00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:11,817 You know when you've got a sore spot? 159 00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:14,095 - Where? - Doesn't matter where. 160 00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:17,729 There's a law. Whatever you bang into, you hit the sore spot. 161 00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:20,892 That's what Penny is, a thing that bangs into the sore spot. 162 00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:25,451 Apart from your imaginary conversation, we don't have any sore spots. 163 00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:28,452 - What about my decision to retire? - It's your decision. 164 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:31,008 - Everybody thinks you're right. - Penny won't. 165 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:33,091 - That's her bad luck. - What about Judy? 166 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,569 Going out with a married man with two children? 167 00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:39,255 That's not a sore spot. Not even a pimple. 168 00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:42,696 It will be. "Oh, how's poor Judith?" she'll say. 169 00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:45,533 - Say, "Fine," and stop the conversation. - Oh, no. 170 00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:49,454 Answering a question from Penny is like trying to stick your finger in a dyke. 171 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:53,897 You plug up one hole and the question comes pouring out of another. 172 00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:58,295 The girls are out. 173 00:08:58,380 --> 00:09:01,816 Perhaps Judy's popped back to ask us to baby-sit. 174 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:04,050 - Sandy. - I'm fed up with men. 175 00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:06,051 Not you, Lionel. Just men. 176 00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:08,574 I suppose I should take that as a compliment. 177 00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:11,174 - You know I said he was too bendable? - Yes. 178 00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:14,650 - Who is? Who was? - Trevor, this chap I've been seeing. 179 00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:17,459 Well, bendable is the understatement of the year. 180 00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:21,010 He was apologising for the restaurant in case it wasn't good enough. 181 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,534 I said, "Honestly, I could hit you sometimes." 182 00:09:23,620 --> 00:09:25,099 He said, "Could you really?" 183 00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:28,172 The thing is, his eyes came to light as he said it. 184 00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:30,774 Two mouthfuls of taramasalata and he was saying, 185 00:09:30,860 --> 00:09:33,294 "I think bad boys should be punished, don't you?" 186 00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:36,417 - He was talking about himself and me. - Oh, Sandy. 187 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,775 Would he enjoy it if I punched him on the nose? 188 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:41,169 Too late. He's gone. 189 00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:43,330 Wiping taramasalata off his jacket. 190 00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:45,980 Look, let's all go out for a curry. 191 00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:48,369 - Yeah. Good idea. - Yes, I'd like that. 192 00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:52,009 I'm quite hungry, actually. I'll just nip upstairs. 193 00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:56,572 - What's the matter? - It's another hole in the dyke. 194 00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:04,499 Judy doesn't know anything about children. 195 00:10:04,580 --> 00:10:05,933 Why should she need to? 196 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,170 She's going out with a man who's got two. 197 00:10:08,260 --> 00:10:10,979 I don't expect they take them out with them. 198 00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,176 Do you mean he leaves them behind? 199 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:16,491 - Locked in the cellar, probably. - Oh, I didn't say that! 200 00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:20,493 You made it sound like it. I don't see what you're getting into a state about. 201 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:22,252 So he's got two children. So what? 202 00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:25,730 There's no harm in trying to foresee future possibilities. 203 00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:28,698 Yeah, but yours are always so doom-laden. 204 00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:31,977 - I can guess the possibility in your head. - I bet you can't. 205 00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,579 When he divorces his wife, Judy marries this chap. 206 00:10:35,660 --> 00:10:39,414 But he doesn't want her as a wife, he wants her as a mother to his children. 207 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:44,449 She turns into a drudge, loses her looks, and the kids are juvenile delinquents. 208 00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:48,135 - How am I doing so far? - That's preposterous. 209 00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,575 Judy hasn't mentioned marriage, has she? 210 00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:54,653 Of course not. And she's hardly likely to rush into another one, is she? 211 00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:56,972 Well... no. 212 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:02,491 Now, on a brighter note, I've got a battle plan for tomorrow evening. 213 00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:04,616 A way to put Penny and Stephen off? 214 00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:07,134 No, that would be a headlong retreat. 215 00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:09,893 No, we ask the questions. 216 00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:13,017 We don't give Penny a chance to get in with all of hers. 217 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:16,331 Don't let her punch holes in this dyke of yours. 218 00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:20,208 - Why didn't they make you a general? - I've often wondered that. 219 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,736 - We'll do it. - And if Penny should break through... 220 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,412 - We'll lie. - No. 221 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:29,254 We just remind ourselves that there's really nothing to lie about. 222 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,217 Are we sure? 223 00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,894 Look. You've decided to retire. 224 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:37,097 - A sensible and happy decision, right? - Right. 225 00:11:37,180 --> 00:11:42,049 Judy's seeing a chap who just happens to be separated with two children. 226 00:11:42,140 --> 00:11:44,574 That hardly makes him Jack the Ripper, does it? 227 00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:45,854 - No. - No. 228 00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:49,171 And you and I have lurched happily through 18 months of marriage. 229 00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:51,216 - No, 19. - 19 months. 230 00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:54,019 Without either of us reaching for the carving knife. 231 00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,772 I threw some carrots at you. 232 00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:58,658 - Not really in the same category, is it? - I suppose. 233 00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:01,208 In other words, we are happy. 234 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,416 Well, we are. We are. 235 00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,491 Hm. 236 00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:09,050 What about Sandy? She's going out with a pervert! 237 00:12:09,140 --> 00:12:11,256 - Was. - Oh, yes, was. Was. 238 00:12:11,340 --> 00:12:13,774 - Yes. - Can I get back to Winnie The Pooh? 239 00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:17,648 Yes. I'm sorry I threw the carrots at you. 240 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,970 That's all right. 241 00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:22,255 - Mum? - Come in, love. 242 00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,735 I'm sorry I got ratty earlier. 243 00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:28,776 You were quite right. 244 00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:32,455 It's only because I care but I do stick my nose in sometimes. 245 00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,531 - Good night, then. - Good night. 246 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,576 - Night. - Night. 247 00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:38,616 How were the children? 248 00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:46,539 Very nice. They had a glass of wine with us and then made a discreet withdrawal. 249 00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,853 A glass of wine? 250 00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:53,013 Mum, Patrick is 19 and Cora is 16. 251 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,978 - Oh, those sort of children! - Mm-hm. 252 00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:58,335 I didn't have to change a single nappy. 253 00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:00,138 Or read them Winnie The Pooh. 254 00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:02,370 I just look at the pictures. 255 00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:05,808 - Good night. - Good night. 256 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:11,218 She used to pop into my bed sometimes when she was a little girl. 257 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,734 Wouldn't really be on now, would it? 258 00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:17,654 Oh, grown-up children. Well, we should have considered that. 259 00:13:17,740 --> 00:13:19,731 Yes, I suppose we should. 260 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,777 Now what? 261 00:13:23,860 --> 00:13:26,215 Grown-up children? 262 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,418 You're still too far out. 263 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,379 - I don't want to scrape the tyres. - I could drive a tractor into that space. 264 00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:49,339 - You can't drive a tractor. - Don't split hairs, Stephen. 265 00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:51,376 The back's further in than the front! 266 00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:55,248 - How much further? - I don't have a tape measure with me. 267 00:13:58,180 --> 00:13:59,659 How's that? 268 00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:02,413 The front's further in than the back now! 269 00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:04,456 Well, it'll just have to do. 270 00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:08,020 Very cavalier. 271 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:18,171 Stephen? You're only a foot away. 272 00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:20,012 Why don't you use the key? 273 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:22,295 I've never had one of these before. 274 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:25,770 You're like a little boy sometimes. 275 00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:32,418 Rather fun, this, isn't it? 276 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,212 Hello, Penny. 277 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,690 - Is everything all right? - Stephen's playing with his new car. 278 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,736 Hello, Jean, how are you? 279 00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:46,014 - Ooh. You look rather pale. - It's the light. 280 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,852 - Stephen! - Hello, Penny. 281 00:14:47,940 --> 00:14:50,090 Hello, Lionel. How are you? 282 00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,740 - You look rather florid. - It's the light. 283 00:14:52,820 --> 00:14:55,698 - Stephen. - Hello, you two. 284 00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:58,897 - You both look very well. - I'm sorry we're early. 285 00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:01,369 Stephen insisted he knew a short cut. 286 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:03,815 - Oh, and did he? - He did. 287 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,937 Penny wouldn't believe me, so we left at the normal time. 288 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:09,215 - Hence being early. - Come and have a drink. 289 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,449 Thanks. 290 00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:14,499 Of course, if we'd left later and I'd got the short cut wrong, 291 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,252 we would have been late. 292 00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:18,376 So it's turned out for the best, really. 293 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,212 Put like that, I suppose it has. 294 00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:23,531 They don't really improve with age, do they, men? 295 00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:27,659 I always think they're funny things, short cuts, don't you? 296 00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:32,450 Yes. I mean, I don't know. Why do you think they're funny? 297 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,371 - Nice to see you. - Well... 298 00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:37,770 - Even if you are looking pale. - It's nice to see you. Do sit... 299 00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:42,058 - Oh, yes. What'll you have to drink? - Oh, gin, I think. And Stephen will have... 300 00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:45,052 - What would you like, Stephen? - Yes, what would you like? 301 00:15:45,140 --> 00:15:48,450 - Scotch, if I may. - I was going to say that. 302 00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:50,610 Now, Jean. How are you? 303 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,372 - Lemon, Penny? - Please. 304 00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:55,736 Some don't seem very short at all, when you first try them. 305 00:15:55,820 --> 00:15:57,936 - What don't? - Short cuts. 306 00:15:58,020 --> 00:16:01,057 - Oh. - Why are you still talking about that? 307 00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,974 Because Lionel asked me why I sometimes think they're funny things. 308 00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:06,573 Yes, I did, Stephen. I did. 309 00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:09,777 Would you mind telling us again? I missed that. 310 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:13,694 - Oh, Lord! - Some short cuts don't seem short at all 311 00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:17,056 when you first try them - You know how it is, someone says, 312 00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:20,974 "Ooh, you can cut off a whole corner if you take the B-something." 313 00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,620 - Or the B-something else. - Or the A-something. 314 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:27,659 But an A road isn't normally a short cut, is it? 315 00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:31,297 No... Well, it could be if you were on a motorway. 316 00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:33,655 That's true. That is true. 317 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:37,130 Is there any chance of you coming to the point, Stephen? 318 00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:39,370 Yes, of course. My point was this. 319 00:16:39,460 --> 00:16:44,409 I think the reason that a short cut doesn't seem that short when you first take it 320 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,650 is because you're trying to remember 321 00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:49,493 directions somebody gave you in case you go wrong. 322 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:51,775 Turn it into a long cut. 323 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:56,458 That's... that's very interesting. Isn't it, Lionel? 324 00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,418 Yeah. Very logically thought through, as well. 325 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,890 - Once you've driven it a few times... - You realise it is a short cut. 326 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,256 - Exactly. - I hope we've exhausted this subject. 327 00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:08,092 I shouldn't think so. 328 00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:12,093 No, the trouble is, when some people give you directions for a short cut, 329 00:17:12,180 --> 00:17:14,774 they insist on giving you every little detail. 330 00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:19,092 Absolutely. Do you remember that one we took when we were in Wales? 331 00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:22,058 - That was hilarious. - It was disastrous. 332 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,574 - Oh, do tell us about it. - But... Shh. 333 00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:28,573 - Sorry? - I heard footsteps on the stairs. 334 00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:31,128 I heard footsteps on the stairs. 335 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:32,655 Well, it can't be us. 336 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,698 - Hello, Aunt Penny. Uncle Stephen. - You see? 337 00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:40,613 - Hello, Judith. You look really pretty. - Oh, thank you. 338 00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,090 I heard two pairs of footsteps on the stairs. 339 00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,571 - Hello. - See? 340 00:17:47,660 --> 00:17:50,458 - My word, you look very pretty. - Thank you. 341 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:53,532 We were talking about Wales. The Welsh Wales, that is. 342 00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,099 - Gosh. - Were you really? 343 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,296 Were being the operative word. 344 00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,052 Now, how are you both? 345 00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:00,209 - Doing fine. - Fine. 346 00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:02,052 - Couldn't be better. ...better. 347 00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:04,131 - There you are. - Still no... 348 00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:07,610 That Welsh double L's always baffled me, you know. 349 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:13,013 I'm never sure whether you call it "hll" or "fll". 350 00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,456 Oh, I always pronounce it "chll". 351 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,139 I go somewhere in the middle. Like... "Mmth". 352 00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:25,811 Still no wedding bells on the horizon? 353 00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:30,018 Oh, a ding or a dong now and then, but never a ding-dong. 354 00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,170 Or a dong-ding. 355 00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:34,251 Neither of you are getting any younger. 356 00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:38,379 No, it's a funny thing, isn't it? Even as we speak, we're all getting older. 357 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:41,258 - You look very well, though. - Any current beau? 358 00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:43,934 Oh, yes. Sandy's going out with a journalist 359 00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:45,976 and Judith's going out with a teacher. 360 00:18:46,060 --> 00:18:48,176 - Other way round. - Other way round. 361 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,012 This teacher? What does he teach? 362 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,216 Children. 363 00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:55,813 Children! That's a good one, old man. 364 00:18:56,860 --> 00:19:00,739 I think everyone knows that I meant, what subject does he teach? 365 00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:03,778 - Physical education. - Ooh. 366 00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:05,816 And now, Judith. Your journalist. 367 00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,936 He's not gutter press, I hope, is he? 368 00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:11,808 Oh, no, he writes all his articles on the pavement. 369 00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,856 On the pavement! 370 00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:16,812 That's another good one! 371 00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:19,573 Why are we all in such a silly mood this evening? 372 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,696 Must be the phase of the moon. 373 00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:24,374 - What phase of the moon? - Whatever phase it's in. 374 00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:26,291 We could work that out. 375 00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:28,450 - Ooh, yes! - I daresay we could. 376 00:19:28,540 --> 00:19:32,294 Anyway, it's been very nice to see you both, but we've got to go out now. 377 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,177 We've hardly nattered. 378 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:37,775 Well, you know how it is, Aunt Pen. These journalists and teachers. 379 00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:41,773 - Sticklers for deadlines. - Deadlines. The bell for assembly. 380 00:19:41,860 --> 00:19:44,135 - Good night. - Good night. 381 00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:47,212 - Hm. - Didn't they both look pretty? 382 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:50,133 You don't have to keep saying it, Stephen. 383 00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:52,976 Thanet? Really? 384 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:56,733 - Just coffee to go. - We're still on Wales. 385 00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:02,656 If we bring in the rest of the UK, we should be able to spin it out. 386 00:20:02,740 --> 00:20:04,298 Hopefully. 387 00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:07,099 Failing that, we could try to get back to short cuts. 388 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:10,809 That's the beauty of Stephen. He's like a very powerful clockwork toy. 389 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:13,414 Wind him up and he goes on forever. 390 00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,173 And we've still got sumo wrestling in reserve. 391 00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,216 Yes. Do you know anything about that? 392 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,497 No. Two fat chaps trying to push each other out of a circle. 393 00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:24,936 - But put the thought in Stephen's head... - Penny's getting edgy. 394 00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,456 Yes. For once in her life she's not dominating the conversation. 395 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:31,612 Do you know, Stephen's back on the Welsh double L again. 396 00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:35,693 - So I've come to help, like it or not. - No, actually, we're ready. 397 00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:39,978 - If you'd just like to take the tray in. - Don't we have time for a tete-a-tete? 398 00:20:40,060 --> 00:20:42,016 No. Nobody likes stewed coffee. 399 00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:45,058 - No, come on, Penny. - Oh, well, all right. 400 00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,290 Erm... look. 401 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:50,929 Lionel isn't on medication or anything, is he? 402 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:52,976 Of course not. Why? 403 00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:57,258 Cos I've never heard him chatter so much in the whole of my life. 404 00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:03,968 Sumo wrestling? Sumo wrestling? 405 00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:09,258 No, I'm afraid I know absolutely nothing about it at all. 406 00:21:09,340 --> 00:21:11,535 - Ah. - Why should anyone know about it? 407 00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:14,930 It's just two grossly overweight men pushing each other about. 408 00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:17,898 Oh, no, there's much more to it than that, Penny. 409 00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,891 - What? - What? 410 00:21:19,980 --> 00:21:23,131 - Yes, what? - Well... 411 00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:26,735 Why don't they ever have any thin chaps in sumo wrestling? 412 00:21:26,820 --> 00:21:29,892 - Right. It's sizeist, isn't it? - Yes. 413 00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:31,493 It is when you think about it. 414 00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:34,811 After all, you have thin boxers. Some tiny little chaps. 415 00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:37,778 - Yes, paperweights. - Featherweights. 416 00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:42,573 - Wonder what I'd be if I was a boxer? - A total disaster. 417 00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:46,619 Oh, there must be some people who do something more interesting for a living. 418 00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:49,419 - Yes, well, Stephen, for example. - Yes. 419 00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:54,210 I've often meant to ask you, when did you first decide to become a dentist? 420 00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:56,973 - Oh, God, not teeth! - I can't remember. 421 00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:59,972 Good. Now, Jean, how's your career going? 422 00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:03,249 - Yes, I can. - Oh, very well. How, Stephen? 423 00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:05,456 It was when I had a perforated eardrum. 424 00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:09,738 Well, I'm sorry, I can't immediately make the connection with dentistry. 425 00:22:09,820 --> 00:22:13,176 - No, I can see that. - But there is one? Hm? 426 00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:17,139 Oh, yes, yes. I remember the doctor peering into my ear, 427 00:22:17,220 --> 00:22:21,736 I remember thinking, "They can't be very pleasant places to peer into, ears." 428 00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:25,779 But there she was, young woman doing it with such dedication. 429 00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:28,169 She was a very pretty girl. 430 00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:32,776 I remember her hair brushing against my cheek. So soft. 431 00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:35,420 It's sex again, isn't it? 432 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:39,732 - I was only eight. - I still can't see the connection. 433 00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:43,733 Well, unpleasant places to peer into, you see. 434 00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:47,130 I mean, I suppose mouths come into that category, 435 00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:50,610 and if a pretty girl can do it, I thought, "So can I." 436 00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:52,258 You see? 437 00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:54,171 It's quite logical, really. 438 00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:59,409 - Yes. - Yes. 439 00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:01,616 That was a very short answer, Jean. 440 00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:03,816 - Very interesting, though. - Thanks. 441 00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:07,017 Not yours. Yours. 442 00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:10,979 I made a caring enquiry as to how your career was going 443 00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,369 and all you say is, "Very well." 444 00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:17,135 - Yes, well, it is. - I had an ear infection a few years ago. 445 00:23:17,220 --> 00:23:21,896 Lionel, may I please have a slightly fuller reply from Jean? 446 00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:23,618 - She's fine. - Yes, I am. 447 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:27,534 The fuller reply is, I made a decision to stop working. There! 448 00:23:27,620 --> 00:23:30,692 - But you're only a very... - Yes. Just 21. 449 00:23:30,780 --> 00:23:34,898 It isn't a question of age. It's a question of spending more time with Lionel. 450 00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:38,097 - Lucky old Lionel. - It'll be a wrench, of course. 451 00:23:38,180 --> 00:23:43,254 Our GP retired six months ago and I haven't seen him in the village since. 452 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,410 I think he must have become a recluse. 453 00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:48,298 No, he hasn't. He's gone on a world cruise. 454 00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:51,250 - Did he? Are you sure? - Positive. 455 00:23:51,340 --> 00:23:55,219 Poor chap. Nothing better to do with his time than go on a world cruise. 456 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,690 - But Jean is not a GP. - We all know that. 457 00:23:58,780 --> 00:24:02,693 Yes, but, I mean, you've always been such an active woman all your life. 458 00:24:02,780 --> 00:24:06,568 - You're not going to just wither away? - Of course I'm not! 459 00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,491 I see your hand in this, Lionel. 460 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:11,731 - Now, look, Penny. - Lionel exerted no pressure at all. 461 00:24:11,820 --> 00:24:14,857 The idea had been in my head for some time. We talked about it. 462 00:24:14,940 --> 00:24:18,649 Then without any fuss or friction, I simply made the decision to retire. 463 00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:21,413 - That's all there is to it. - If you say so. 464 00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:24,014 I'd be appalled at the thought of doing nothing. 465 00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:27,888 I don't see why, Pen. After all, you've never done a day's work in your life. 466 00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:35,459 - Bye! Drive safely. - Bye! 467 00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:39,055 You enjoyed that, didn't you? 468 00:24:39,140 --> 00:24:41,734 Call me a flawed human being if you like. 469 00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:47,970 I never thought of Stephen as a vitriolic, vituperative viper before. 470 00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:50,051 It'll be a long drive back to Hampshire. 471 00:24:50,140 --> 00:24:53,212 - No, they're staying in London. - Thank God it's not here. 472 00:24:53,300 --> 00:24:55,052 Still, objective achieved. 473 00:24:55,140 --> 00:24:57,608 Even if it did land Stephen in the doghouse. 474 00:24:57,700 --> 00:25:02,330 - Not a single hole in your dyke. - It must be something of a record. 475 00:25:02,420 --> 00:25:06,129 Would it be very sluttish if you left the clearing up till morning? 476 00:25:06,220 --> 00:25:09,053 Totally. Let's both be sluts and go to bed. 477 00:25:12,060 --> 00:25:14,016 Back! Back! 478 00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:17,295 Back! 479 00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:21,498 Forward. Forward! 480 00:25:21,580 --> 00:25:23,935 - Well, which? - Both. 481 00:25:25,940 --> 00:25:28,773 - In which order? - Oh, look, leave it there. 482 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:32,648 - We shan't be long. - I thought I was the cavalier parker. 483 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,810 I misused the word. 484 00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,697 Cavaliers had manners. 485 00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:47,134 I can probably manage, thank you. 486 00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:50,216 I really don't see the point of this. 487 00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,814 And I still resent being called a viper. 488 00:25:53,540 --> 00:25:57,010 Your resentment is of no interest to me whatsoever. 489 00:26:05,140 --> 00:26:07,734 - Good morning, you two. - I have very little to say. 490 00:26:07,820 --> 00:26:10,175 - She's in a mood. - Yes, I can see that. 491 00:26:10,260 --> 00:26:11,739 And rightly so. 492 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:15,415 I know what you and Lionel were up to last night and I do not approve. 493 00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:19,209 - Well, we are married. - Oh, spare me the smutty humour. 494 00:26:20,180 --> 00:26:24,776 I mean, last night, any sympathetic enquiry as to your wellbeing 495 00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:29,297 and you and Lionel steered Stephen onto some impossible subject 496 00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:31,336 which took up the whole evening. 497 00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:35,698 Look. I am family and I do think I deserve a little more honesty than that. 498 00:26:36,460 --> 00:26:38,178 - I see. - Well? 499 00:26:38,260 --> 00:26:40,933 You're right. It was deceitful and dishonest. 500 00:26:41,020 --> 00:26:43,488 Well, just tell me the truth. 501 00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:46,657 Very well. 502 00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:50,335 The truth is, Judy is going out with a married man with two children. 503 00:26:50,420 --> 00:26:54,413 Sandy was seeing a teacher with strange ideas about corporal punishment. 504 00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:59,016 And I got into such a state about retiring that I had to see a psychotherapist. 505 00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:02,456 Well, thank you for taking me for a complete fool. 506 00:27:06,780 --> 00:27:08,293 Personally speaking, Jean, 507 00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:11,816 last night was one of the nicest, chattiest evenings I've ever had. 508 00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:14,858 - Stephen! - Better go. Bye. 509 00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:18,296 Oh, bye, Stephen. Don't forget the short cut. 510 00:27:20,940 --> 00:27:24,012 I shall be glad to get back to the sanity of Hampshire. 511 00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:27,615 Do you really think that Hampshire is a particularly sane place? 512 00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:31,454 Compared to this part of the world, yes. I simply want... 513 00:27:31,540 --> 00:27:33,417 Good Lord. 514 00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,936 Good morrow, guys. 515 00:27:39,020 --> 00:27:41,818 - How are you? - What on earth are you doing? 516 00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:45,654 Well, the herald didn't work, so I thought I'd send the knight himself. 517 00:27:45,740 --> 00:27:48,618 - I see. - Fare thee well. 518 00:27:51,460 --> 00:27:54,577 - What do you see? - Nothing, actually. 519 00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:59,250 I'd like you to drive home quite quickly, please. 520 00:28:07,260 --> 00:28:09,979 # You must remember this 521 00:28:10,060 --> 00:28:12,620 # A kiss is still a kiss 522 00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:16,136 # A sigh is just a sigh 523 00:28:17,780 --> 00:28:21,739 # The fundamental things apply 524 00:28:21,820 --> 00:28:25,813 # As time goes by 525 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:31,618 # And when two lovers woo 526 00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:34,339 # They still say I love you 527 00:28:34,420 --> 00:28:37,378 # On that you can rely 528 00:28:39,940 --> 00:28:44,138 # The world will always welcome lovers 529 00:28:45,660 --> 00:28:53,533 # As time goes by # 43480

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