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1
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# You must remember this
2
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# A kiss is still a kiss
3
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# A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:24,209
# The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:28,259
# As time goes by #
6
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Will somebody get that?
7
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I'm in the sink.
8
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You're not in the sink at all.
9
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Just open the door, will you?
10
00:00:47,140 --> 00:00:48,892
Good morrow, sire.
11
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Not today, thank you.
12
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:55,175
What's going on?
13
00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:57,535
Oh, some fool.
14
00:00:57,620 --> 00:01:00,737
- Good morrow again, sire.
- Now, look.
15
00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:03,778
Please, don't close the door again.
I've been sent.
16
00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,896
- Is this a religious thing?
- No!
17
00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:08,771
I deliver messages. My job.
18
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,578
I see. Who's the message for?
19
00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:12,457
Er... let's have a look.
20
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:15,657
- The, er... "fair Judith".
- You'd better come in and wait.
21
00:01:15,740 --> 00:01:18,095
- She's in the bath.
- Thank you, good sir.
22
00:01:18,180 --> 00:01:21,377
Oh, do stop doing that.
Judy! There's somebody to see you.
23
00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:24,577
- I'll be down in a minute.
- You'd better wait in there.
24
00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:27,094
Thank you, good sir...
25
00:01:27,180 --> 00:01:28,932
Ta.
26
00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:36,016
Can I get you
a flagon of mead or anything?
27
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,056
- Pardon?
- Doesn't matter.
28
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,968
What was all that about?
29
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,255
It's a herald.
30
00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:48,049
- I thought you said herald.
- I did. He's got a message for Judy.
31
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,335
- She's in the bath.
- I know. I sent him up.
32
00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,815
...better not be, or I will be late.
33
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,856
- Oh, hello, herald.
- Ooh!
34
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:02,049
Greetings, good lady.
35
00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:05,177
Er... "Greetings, fair Judith."
36
00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:07,569
- No, I'm not fair Judith. I'm fair Jean.
- Oh.
37
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,810
And I'm fair Lionel.
38
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:13,779
- Alistair Deacon sent you, didn't he?
- Sir Alistair of Swiss Cottage, yes.
39
00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,896
How did you know?
40
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:18,540
- He sent me a gorillagram once.
- She shot him.
41
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,212
- You didn't!
- No, I didn't.
42
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,768
Stay down there.
Here comes the fair Judith.
43
00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:25,009
Ah.
44
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,455
- "Greetings, fair Judith."
- Oh, no.
45
00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:30,179
- No, Judy, don't go.
- Oh, I feel such a fool.
46
00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:32,251
How do you think he feels?
47
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,857
- I'm supposed to be an occasion.
- And you are.
48
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:37,817
There's no doubt about that.
49
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,698
- Don't take your clothes off, do you?
- Certainly not.
50
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,692
- Go on then, get it over with.
- "Greetings, fair Judith."
51
00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,169
Just a minute.
I think we're in the line of fire.
52
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:50,378
- Come on. That's better. Now.
- Thank you.
53
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,972
"Greetings, fair Judith.
54
00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:56,416
"My heart aches for the sweet pleasure
of your company.
55
00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:01,654
"And my pulse races
for the touch of your soft lips on mine."
56
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,174
- Is there much more?
- Er... No.
57
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:10,176
"I beseech you to sup with me tonight
in a country hos... tel...
58
00:03:10,260 --> 00:03:12,251
That's probably "hostelry".
59
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:14,729
Oh, hostelry. Thank you.
60
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:19,098
"...where we may recapture
all that is warm and tender between us.
61
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:23,935
"I tremble with... anticipation
for your response,
62
00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:27,012
"Sir Alistair of Swiss Cottage."
63
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,614
- Very well done.
- Thank you.
64
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:32,260
This response of mine.
Do you deliver that?
65
00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:36,538
Oh, yes. I'm a two-way service.
I have a pad here somewhere.
66
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:38,690
You won't need a pad,
its only two words.
67
00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:40,816
Judy.
68
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,777
Just say, "No, thanks."
69
00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:46,810
Is that all?
You don't want me to flower it up a bit?
70
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:50,609
Yes, all right then.
Say, "Definitely no thanks."
71
00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:53,490
I'm sorry.
72
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,935
Oh, well. Nothing to be done.
73
00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:59,296
- It's the way it goes sometimes.
- Yes, I can see why.
74
00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:01,735
Would you like a cup of tea
before you go?
75
00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:05,495
No, thanks. I've got the Mondeo
on residents' parking.
76
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:07,457
Well, cheerio.
77
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,496
- Cheerio.
- No need to show me out.
78
00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:12,219
Oh. Well, farewell, herald!
79
00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:18,453
- Not much of a job, is it?
- I wouldn't do it.
80
00:04:18,540 --> 00:04:20,690
You haven't got the knees for it, anyway.
81
00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:23,731
Did I just see what I thought I saw?
82
00:04:23,820 --> 00:04:25,538
Yes, it was a heraldgram for Judy.
83
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,975
- Alistair?
- Well, who else?
84
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:31,689
He wanted her to dine with him tonight
in a quiet country hostelry.
85
00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:35,136
That'll be a five-star country hotel
with a suite already booked.
86
00:04:35,220 --> 00:04:38,417
- Well, she said no, anyway.
- I don't blame her.
87
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:41,697
That's typical Alistair.
He's in Judy's bad books,
88
00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:44,169
so he does something flashy
to get out of them.
89
00:04:44,260 --> 00:04:46,569
Anyway, she's seeing someone
at the moment.
90
00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:48,218
- Oh?
- Yes.
91
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:51,258
She met him at a party.
She seems quite taken with him.
92
00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:53,490
- That's good.
- Oh.
93
00:04:53,580 --> 00:04:55,093
Why make a face like that?
94
00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:58,889
Judy's history as a picker of men
borders on the disastrous.
95
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:00,811
Well, thank you for that.
96
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,937
Oh, Judy! Oh, Judy! Judy!
97
00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:06,853
I bet you wish you were
in a monastery sometimes.
98
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,170
No, I wouldn't like the hours.
99
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:12,491
- Or the frocks.
- Not really my style.
100
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,777
I wish Jean
would just let Judy get on with things.
101
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,737
You know what parents are like.
102
00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:21,529
Oh, I don't know. My father had a brief
chat to me about women and so on
103
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,372
then left me to my own devices.
104
00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:25,928
Must have been a very succinct chat.
105
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:29,729
Not really. I didn't understand
most of what he talked about at all.
106
00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:31,776
- How old were you?
- 32.
107
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:35,415
No, about 15, I think.
108
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,570
Why is Judy a bad picker?
109
00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:41,289
I don't know. It isn't easy these days.
110
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:43,575
Men have become
a rather confused crowd.
111
00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:45,616
Younger men, I mean.
112
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:49,329
I've been out with a bloke a few times
and he's confused. He's a teacher.
113
00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:51,536
You can't blame him. Kids these days.
114
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:54,339
No. Confused about his role, I mean.
115
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,854
He's polite, he's gentle.
116
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,215
But he apologises every ten minutes.
117
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,858
- What for?
- Well, you name it.
118
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,090
He seems to think it's his fault if it rains.
119
00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:05,933
It's better than
some Neanderthal with a club.
120
00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:08,818
Of course it is, but he's too apologetic.
121
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,778
He's too... bendable.
Do you know what I mean?
122
00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:14,900
- Probably not.
- Judy? Judy!
123
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,255
Don't you think you're overreacting?
124
00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:20,491
No, I don't. I don't like
being talked about behind my back.
125
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:23,048
So I shall resort
to public announcements.
126
00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:26,530
His name is Paul
and we've been out a few times.
127
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,339
We get on very well
and I think he's a nice bloke.
128
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:32,617
Given my history, I'm probably wrong,
but there you go.
129
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:36,773
Paul is a journalist. He's 45 years old,
separated from his wife,
130
00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:40,250
and this evening, I'm having dinner
with him and his two children.
131
00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:41,693
End of bulletin.
132
00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:45,936
Two children!
133
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:49,054
I knew you'd say that.
134
00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:52,976
I hope you like this restaurant, Sandy.
135
00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:54,937
I'm sure I shall.
136
00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:58,729
I haven't tried it personally, you see.
A friend recommended it to me.
137
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:02,096
- Fine.
- Sorry if it's not up to much.
138
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:06,173
Trevor, you're apologising for a place
before we've even tried it.
139
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,774
- Sorry.
- Don't keep doing it.
140
00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:11,055
- Sorry.
- You're doing it again.
141
00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:14,576
Sor... Well, it looks quite nice, doesn't it?
142
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:17,174
That's the spirit. Yes, it does.
143
00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:20,332
But if it's not up to much,
you will let me know, won't you?
144
00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:22,854
Honestly. I could hit you sometimes.
145
00:07:25,740 --> 00:07:27,093
Could you really?
146
00:07:32,860 --> 00:07:34,737
I've put the plates in to warm.
147
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:36,776
- Oh, yes?
- For the takeaway.
148
00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:39,691
Where's the takeaway?
149
00:07:39,780 --> 00:07:43,295
- I just went out for the paper.
- I know that's what you said,
150
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,929
and I said, "Shall we have a takeaway?"
and you said you'd bring one.
151
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:49,580
- I didn't.
- Are you sure?
152
00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:53,333
You're quoting a conversation
which we didn't have.
153
00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:56,730
I must be imagining it.
Hope I don't start making a habit of that.
154
00:07:56,820 --> 00:08:00,608
I know what this is. Your damn
sister-in-law coming to dinner tomorrow.
155
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:03,055
- We owe her a dinner.
- I know that.
156
00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:05,608
I'm talking about
the effect she has on you.
157
00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:09,932
One phone call and you start quoting
conversations we've never had.
158
00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:11,817
You know when you've got a sore spot?
159
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:14,095
- Where?
- Doesn't matter where.
160
00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:17,729
There's a law. Whatever
you bang into, you hit the sore spot.
161
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:20,892
That's what Penny is,
a thing that bangs into the sore spot.
162
00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:25,451
Apart from your imaginary conversation,
we don't have any sore spots.
163
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:28,452
- What about my decision to retire?
- It's your decision.
164
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:31,008
- Everybody thinks you're right.
- Penny won't.
165
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:33,091
- That's her bad luck.
- What about Judy?
166
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,569
Going out with a married man
with two children?
167
00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:39,255
That's not a sore spot.
Not even a pimple.
168
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:42,696
It will be. "Oh, how's poor Judith?"
she'll say.
169
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:45,533
- Say, "Fine," and stop the conversation.
- Oh, no.
170
00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:49,454
Answering a question from Penny is like
trying to stick your finger in a dyke.
171
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:53,897
You plug up one hole and the question
comes pouring out of another.
172
00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:58,295
The girls are out.
173
00:08:58,380 --> 00:09:01,816
Perhaps Judy's popped back
to ask us to baby-sit.
174
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:04,050
- Sandy.
- I'm fed up with men.
175
00:09:04,140 --> 00:09:06,051
Not you, Lionel. Just men.
176
00:09:06,140 --> 00:09:08,574
I suppose I should take that
as a compliment.
177
00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:11,174
- You know I said he was too bendable?
- Yes.
178
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:14,650
- Who is? Who was?
- Trevor, this chap I've been seeing.
179
00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:17,459
Well, bendable is
the understatement of the year.
180
00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:21,010
He was apologising for the restaurant
in case it wasn't good enough.
181
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,534
I said, "Honestly,
I could hit you sometimes."
182
00:09:23,620 --> 00:09:25,099
He said, "Could you really?"
183
00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:28,172
The thing is,
his eyes came to light as he said it.
184
00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:30,774
Two mouthfuls of taramasalata
and he was saying,
185
00:09:30,860 --> 00:09:33,294
"I think bad boys should be punished,
don't you?"
186
00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:36,417
- He was talking about himself and me.
- Oh, Sandy.
187
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,775
Would he enjoy it
if I punched him on the nose?
188
00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:41,169
Too late. He's gone.
189
00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:43,330
Wiping taramasalata off his jacket.
190
00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:45,980
Look, let's all go out for a curry.
191
00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:48,369
- Yeah. Good idea.
- Yes, I'd like that.
192
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:52,009
I'm quite hungry, actually.
I'll just nip upstairs.
193
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:56,572
- What's the matter?
- It's another hole in the dyke.
194
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:04,499
Judy doesn't know
anything about children.
195
00:10:04,580 --> 00:10:05,933
Why should she need to?
196
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,170
She's going out with
a man who's got two.
197
00:10:08,260 --> 00:10:10,979
I don't expect
they take them out with them.
198
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,176
Do you mean he leaves them behind?
199
00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:16,491
- Locked in the cellar, probably.
- Oh, I didn't say that!
200
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:20,493
You made it sound like it. I don't see
what you're getting into a state about.
201
00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:22,252
So he's got two children. So what?
202
00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:25,730
There's no harm in trying
to foresee future possibilities.
203
00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:28,698
Yeah, but yours
are always so doom-laden.
204
00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:31,977
- I can guess the possibility in your head.
- I bet you can't.
205
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,579
When he divorces his wife,
Judy marries this chap.
206
00:10:35,660 --> 00:10:39,414
But he doesn't want her as a wife,
he wants her as a mother to his children.
207
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:44,449
She turns into a drudge, loses her looks,
and the kids are juvenile delinquents.
208
00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:48,135
- How am I doing so far?
- That's preposterous.
209
00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,575
Judy hasn't mentioned marriage,
has she?
210
00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:54,653
Of course not. And she's hardly likely
to rush into another one, is she?
211
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:56,972
Well... no.
212
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:02,491
Now, on a brighter note, I've got
a battle plan for tomorrow evening.
213
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:04,616
A way to put Penny and Stephen off?
214
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:07,134
No, that would be a headlong retreat.
215
00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:09,893
No, we ask the questions.
216
00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:13,017
We don't give Penny a chance
to get in with all of hers.
217
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:16,331
Don't let her punch holes
in this dyke of yours.
218
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:20,208
- Why didn't they make you a general?
- I've often wondered that.
219
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,736
- We'll do it.
- And if Penny should break through...
220
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,412
- We'll lie.
- No.
221
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:29,254
We just remind ourselves
that there's really nothing to lie about.
222
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,217
Are we sure?
223
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,894
Look. You've decided to retire.
224
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:37,097
- A sensible and happy decision, right?
- Right.
225
00:11:37,180 --> 00:11:42,049
Judy's seeing a chap who just happens
to be separated with two children.
226
00:11:42,140 --> 00:11:44,574
That hardly makes him
Jack the Ripper, does it?
227
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:45,854
- No.
- No.
228
00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:49,171
And you and I have lurched happily
through 18 months of marriage.
229
00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:51,216
- No, 19.
- 19 months.
230
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:54,019
Without either of us reaching
for the carving knife.
231
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,772
I threw some carrots at you.
232
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:58,658
- Not really in the same category, is it?
- I suppose.
233
00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:01,208
In other words, we are happy.
234
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,416
Well, we are. We are.
235
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,491
Hm.
236
00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:09,050
What about Sandy?
She's going out with a pervert!
237
00:12:09,140 --> 00:12:11,256
- Was.
- Oh, yes, was. Was.
238
00:12:11,340 --> 00:12:13,774
- Yes.
- Can I get back to Winnie The Pooh?
239
00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:17,648
Yes. I'm sorry I threw the carrots at you.
240
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,970
That's all right.
241
00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:22,255
- Mum?
- Come in, love.
242
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,735
I'm sorry I got ratty earlier.
243
00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:28,776
You were quite right.
244
00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:32,455
It's only because I care
but I do stick my nose in sometimes.
245
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,531
- Good night, then.
- Good night.
246
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,576
- Night.
- Night.
247
00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:38,616
How were the children?
248
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:46,539
Very nice. They had a glass of wine with
us and then made a discreet withdrawal.
249
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,853
A glass of wine?
250
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:53,013
Mum, Patrick is 19 and Cora is 16.
251
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,978
- Oh, those sort of children!
- Mm-hm.
252
00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:58,335
I didn't have to change a single nappy.
253
00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:00,138
Or read them Winnie The Pooh.
254
00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:02,370
I just look at the pictures.
255
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:05,808
- Good night.
- Good night.
256
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:11,218
She used to pop into my bed sometimes
when she was a little girl.
257
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,734
Wouldn't really be on now, would it?
258
00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:17,654
Oh, grown-up children.
Well, we should have considered that.
259
00:13:17,740 --> 00:13:19,731
Yes, I suppose we should.
260
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,777
Now what?
261
00:13:23,860 --> 00:13:26,215
Grown-up children?
262
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,418
You're still too far out.
263
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,379
- I don't want to scrape the tyres.
- I could drive a tractor into that space.
264
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:49,339
- You can't drive a tractor.
- Don't split hairs, Stephen.
265
00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:51,376
The back's further in than the front!
266
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:55,248
- How much further?
- I don't have a tape measure with me.
267
00:13:58,180 --> 00:13:59,659
How's that?
268
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:02,413
The front's further in than the back now!
269
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:04,456
Well, it'll just have to do.
270
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:08,020
Very cavalier.
271
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:18,171
Stephen? You're only a foot away.
272
00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:20,012
Why don't you use the key?
273
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:22,295
I've never had one of these before.
274
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:25,770
You're like a little boy sometimes.
275
00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:32,418
Rather fun, this, isn't it?
276
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,212
Hello, Penny.
277
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,690
- Is everything all right?
- Stephen's playing with his new car.
278
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,736
Hello, Jean, how are you?
279
00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:46,014
- Ooh. You look rather pale.
- It's the light.
280
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,852
- Stephen!
- Hello, Penny.
281
00:14:47,940 --> 00:14:50,090
Hello, Lionel. How are you?
282
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,740
- You look rather florid.
- It's the light.
283
00:14:52,820 --> 00:14:55,698
- Stephen.
- Hello, you two.
284
00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:58,897
- You both look very well.
- I'm sorry we're early.
285
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:01,369
Stephen insisted he knew a short cut.
286
00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:03,815
- Oh, and did he?
- He did.
287
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,937
Penny wouldn't believe me,
so we left at the normal time.
288
00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:09,215
- Hence being early.
- Come and have a drink.
289
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,449
Thanks.
290
00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:14,499
Of course, if we'd left later
and I'd got the short cut wrong,
291
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,252
we would have been late.
292
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:18,376
So it's turned out for the best, really.
293
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,212
Put like that, I suppose it has.
294
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:23,531
They don't really improve
with age, do they, men?
295
00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:27,659
I always think they're funny things,
short cuts, don't you?
296
00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:32,450
Yes. I mean, I don't know.
Why do you think they're funny?
297
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,371
- Nice to see you.
- Well...
298
00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:37,770
- Even if you are looking pale.
- It's nice to see you. Do sit...
299
00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:42,058
- Oh, yes. What'll you have to drink?
- Oh, gin, I think. And Stephen will have...
300
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:45,052
- What would you like, Stephen?
- Yes, what would you like?
301
00:15:45,140 --> 00:15:48,450
- Scotch, if I may.
- I was going to say that.
302
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:50,610
Now, Jean. How are you?
303
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,372
- Lemon, Penny?
- Please.
304
00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:55,736
Some don't seem very short at all,
when you first try them.
305
00:15:55,820 --> 00:15:57,936
- What don't?
- Short cuts.
306
00:15:58,020 --> 00:16:01,057
- Oh.
- Why are you still talking about that?
307
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,974
Because Lionel asked me why
I sometimes think they're funny things.
308
00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:06,573
Yes, I did, Stephen. I did.
309
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:09,777
Would you mind telling us again?
I missed that.
310
00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:13,694
- Oh, Lord!
- Some short cuts don't seem short at all
311
00:16:13,780 --> 00:16:17,056
when you first try them -
You know how it is, someone says,
312
00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:20,974
"Ooh, you can cut off a whole corner
if you take the B-something."
313
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,620
- Or the B-something else.
- Or the A-something.
314
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:27,659
But an A road
isn't normally a short cut, is it?
315
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:31,297
No... Well, it could be
if you were on a motorway.
316
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:33,655
That's true. That is true.
317
00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:37,130
Is there any chance
of you coming to the point, Stephen?
318
00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:39,370
Yes, of course. My point was this.
319
00:16:39,460 --> 00:16:44,409
I think the reason that a short cut doesn't
seem that short when you first take it
320
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,650
is because you're trying to remember
321
00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:49,493
directions somebody gave you
in case you go wrong.
322
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:51,775
Turn it into a long cut.
323
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:56,458
That's... that's very interesting.
Isn't it, Lionel?
324
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,418
Yeah. Very logically thought through,
as well.
325
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,890
- Once you've driven it a few times...
- You realise it is a short cut.
326
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,256
- Exactly.
- I hope we've exhausted this subject.
327
00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:08,092
I shouldn't think so.
328
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:12,093
No, the trouble is, when some people
give you directions for a short cut,
329
00:17:12,180 --> 00:17:14,774
they insist on giving you
every little detail.
330
00:17:14,860 --> 00:17:19,092
Absolutely. Do you remember that one
we took when we were in Wales?
331
00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:22,058
- That was hilarious.
- It was disastrous.
332
00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,574
- Oh, do tell us about it.
- But... Shh.
333
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:28,573
- Sorry?
- I heard footsteps on the stairs.
334
00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:31,128
I heard footsteps on the stairs.
335
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:32,655
Well, it can't be us.
336
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,698
- Hello, Aunt Penny. Uncle Stephen.
- You see?
337
00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:40,613
- Hello, Judith. You look really pretty.
- Oh, thank you.
338
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:44,090
I heard two pairs of footsteps
on the stairs.
339
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,571
- Hello.
- See?
340
00:17:47,660 --> 00:17:50,458
- My word, you look very pretty.
- Thank you.
341
00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:53,532
We were talking about Wales.
The Welsh Wales, that is.
342
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,099
- Gosh.
- Were you really?
343
00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,296
Were being the operative word.
344
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,052
Now, how are you both?
345
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:00,209
- Doing fine.
- Fine.
346
00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:02,052
- Couldn't be better.
...better.
347
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:04,131
- There you are.
- Still no...
348
00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:07,610
That Welsh double L's
always baffled me, you know.
349
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:13,013
I'm never sure whether
you call it "hll" or "fll".
350
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,456
Oh, I always pronounce it "chll".
351
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,139
I go somewhere in the middle.
Like... "Mmth".
352
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:25,811
Still no wedding bells on the horizon?
353
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:30,018
Oh, a ding or a dong now and then,
but never a ding-dong.
354
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,170
Or a dong-ding.
355
00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:34,251
Neither of you are getting any younger.
356
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:38,379
No, it's a funny thing, isn't it?
Even as we speak, we're all getting older.
357
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:41,258
- You look very well, though.
- Any current beau?
358
00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:43,934
Oh, yes. Sandy's going out
with a journalist
359
00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:45,976
and Judith's going out with a teacher.
360
00:18:46,060 --> 00:18:48,176
- Other way round.
- Other way round.
361
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,012
This teacher? What does he teach?
362
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,216
Children.
363
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:55,813
Children! That's a good one, old man.
364
00:18:56,860 --> 00:19:00,739
I think everyone knows that I meant,
what subject does he teach?
365
00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:03,778
- Physical education.
- Ooh.
366
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:05,816
And now, Judith. Your journalist.
367
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,936
He's not gutter press, I hope, is he?
368
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:11,808
Oh, no, he writes
all his articles on the pavement.
369
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,856
On the pavement!
370
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:16,812
That's another good one!
371
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:19,573
Why are we all
in such a silly mood this evening?
372
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,696
Must be the phase of the moon.
373
00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:24,374
- What phase of the moon?
- Whatever phase it's in.
374
00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:26,291
We could work that out.
375
00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:28,450
- Ooh, yes!
- I daresay we could.
376
00:19:28,540 --> 00:19:32,294
Anyway, it's been very nice to see you
both, but we've got to go out now.
377
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,177
We've hardly nattered.
378
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:37,775
Well, you know how it is, Aunt Pen.
These journalists and teachers.
379
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:41,773
- Sticklers for deadlines.
- Deadlines. The bell for assembly.
380
00:19:41,860 --> 00:19:44,135
- Good night.
- Good night.
381
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:47,212
- Hm.
- Didn't they both look pretty?
382
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:50,133
You don't have
to keep saying it, Stephen.
383
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:52,976
Thanet? Really?
384
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:56,733
- Just coffee to go.
- We're still on Wales.
385
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:02,656
If we bring in the rest of the UK,
we should be able to spin it out.
386
00:20:02,740 --> 00:20:04,298
Hopefully.
387
00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:07,099
Failing that, we could
try to get back to short cuts.
388
00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:10,809
That's the beauty of Stephen.
He's like a very powerful clockwork toy.
389
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:13,414
Wind him up and he goes on forever.
390
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,173
And we've still got
sumo wrestling in reserve.
391
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,216
Yes. Do you know anything about that?
392
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,497
No. Two fat chaps trying
to push each other out of a circle.
393
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:24,936
- But put the thought in Stephen's head...
- Penny's getting edgy.
394
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,456
Yes. For once in her life
she's not dominating the conversation.
395
00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:31,612
Do you know, Stephen's back
on the Welsh double L again.
396
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:35,693
- So I've come to help, like it or not.
- No, actually, we're ready.
397
00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:39,978
- If you'd just like to take the tray in.
- Don't we have time for a tete-a-tete?
398
00:20:40,060 --> 00:20:42,016
No. Nobody likes stewed coffee.
399
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:45,058
- No, come on, Penny.
- Oh, well, all right.
400
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,290
Erm... look.
401
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:50,929
Lionel isn't on medication
or anything, is he?
402
00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:52,976
Of course not. Why?
403
00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:57,258
Cos I've never heard him chatter
so much in the whole of my life.
404
00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:03,968
Sumo wrestling? Sumo wrestling?
405
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:09,258
No, I'm afraid I know absolutely nothing
about it at all.
406
00:21:09,340 --> 00:21:11,535
- Ah.
- Why should anyone know about it?
407
00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:14,930
It's just two grossly overweight men
pushing each other about.
408
00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:17,898
Oh, no, there's
much more to it than that, Penny.
409
00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,891
- What?
- What?
410
00:21:19,980 --> 00:21:23,131
- Yes, what?
- Well...
411
00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:26,735
Why don't they ever have
any thin chaps in sumo wrestling?
412
00:21:26,820 --> 00:21:29,892
- Right. It's sizeist, isn't it?
- Yes.
413
00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:31,493
It is when you think about it.
414
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:34,811
After all, you have thin boxers.
Some tiny little chaps.
415
00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:37,778
- Yes, paperweights.
- Featherweights.
416
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:42,573
- Wonder what I'd be if I was a boxer?
- A total disaster.
417
00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:46,619
Oh, there must be some people who do
something more interesting for a living.
418
00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:49,419
- Yes, well, Stephen, for example.
- Yes.
419
00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:54,210
I've often meant to ask you, when did
you first decide to become a dentist?
420
00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:56,973
- Oh, God, not teeth!
- I can't remember.
421
00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:59,972
Good. Now, Jean,
how's your career going?
422
00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:03,249
- Yes, I can.
- Oh, very well. How, Stephen?
423
00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:05,456
It was when I had a perforated eardrum.
424
00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:09,738
Well, I'm sorry, I can't immediately
make the connection with dentistry.
425
00:22:09,820 --> 00:22:13,176
- No, I can see that.
- But there is one? Hm?
426
00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:17,139
Oh, yes, yes. I remember
the doctor peering into my ear,
427
00:22:17,220 --> 00:22:21,736
I remember thinking, "They can't be
very pleasant places to peer into, ears."
428
00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:25,779
But there she was, young woman
doing it with such dedication.
429
00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:28,169
She was a very pretty girl.
430
00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:32,776
I remember her hair
brushing against my cheek. So soft.
431
00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:35,420
It's sex again, isn't it?
432
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:39,732
- I was only eight.
- I still can't see the connection.
433
00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:43,733
Well, unpleasant places
to peer into, you see.
434
00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:47,130
I mean, I suppose mouths
come into that category,
435
00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:50,610
and if a pretty girl can do it,
I thought, "So can I."
436
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:52,258
You see?
437
00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:54,171
It's quite logical, really.
438
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:59,409
- Yes.
- Yes.
439
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:01,616
That was a very short answer, Jean.
440
00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:03,816
- Very interesting, though.
- Thanks.
441
00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:07,017
Not yours. Yours.
442
00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:10,979
I made a caring enquiry
as to how your career was going
443
00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,369
and all you say is, "Very well."
444
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:17,135
- Yes, well, it is.
- I had an ear infection a few years ago.
445
00:23:17,220 --> 00:23:21,896
Lionel, may I please have
a slightly fuller reply from Jean?
446
00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:23,618
- She's fine.
- Yes, I am.
447
00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:27,534
The fuller reply is, I made
a decision to stop working. There!
448
00:23:27,620 --> 00:23:30,692
- But you're only a very...
- Yes. Just 21.
449
00:23:30,780 --> 00:23:34,898
It isn't a question of age. It's a question
of spending more time with Lionel.
450
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:38,097
- Lucky old Lionel.
- It'll be a wrench, of course.
451
00:23:38,180 --> 00:23:43,254
Our GP retired six months ago and
I haven't seen him in the village since.
452
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,410
I think he must have become a recluse.
453
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:48,298
No, he hasn't.
He's gone on a world cruise.
454
00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:51,250
- Did he? Are you sure?
- Positive.
455
00:23:51,340 --> 00:23:55,219
Poor chap. Nothing better to do
with his time than go on a world cruise.
456
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,690
- But Jean is not a GP.
- We all know that.
457
00:23:58,780 --> 00:24:02,693
Yes, but, I mean, you've always been
such an active woman all your life.
458
00:24:02,780 --> 00:24:06,568
- You're not going to just wither away?
- Of course I'm not!
459
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,491
I see your hand in this, Lionel.
460
00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:11,731
- Now, look, Penny.
- Lionel exerted no pressure at all.
461
00:24:11,820 --> 00:24:14,857
The idea had been in my head
for some time. We talked about it.
462
00:24:14,940 --> 00:24:18,649
Then without any fuss or friction,
I simply made the decision to retire.
463
00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:21,413
- That's all there is to it.
- If you say so.
464
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:24,014
I'd be appalled
at the thought of doing nothing.
465
00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:27,888
I don't see why, Pen. After all, you've
never done a day's work in your life.
466
00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:35,459
- Bye! Drive safely.
- Bye!
467
00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:39,055
You enjoyed that, didn't you?
468
00:24:39,140 --> 00:24:41,734
Call me a flawed human being if you like.
469
00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:47,970
I never thought of Stephen
as a vitriolic, vituperative viper before.
470
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:50,051
It'll be a long drive back to Hampshire.
471
00:24:50,140 --> 00:24:53,212
- No, they're staying in London.
- Thank God it's not here.
472
00:24:53,300 --> 00:24:55,052
Still, objective achieved.
473
00:24:55,140 --> 00:24:57,608
Even if it did land Stephen
in the doghouse.
474
00:24:57,700 --> 00:25:02,330
- Not a single hole in your dyke.
- It must be something of a record.
475
00:25:02,420 --> 00:25:06,129
Would it be very sluttish
if you left the clearing up till morning?
476
00:25:06,220 --> 00:25:09,053
Totally. Let's both be sluts
and go to bed.
477
00:25:12,060 --> 00:25:14,016
Back! Back!
478
00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:17,295
Back!
479
00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:21,498
Forward. Forward!
480
00:25:21,580 --> 00:25:23,935
- Well, which?
- Both.
481
00:25:25,940 --> 00:25:28,773
- In which order?
- Oh, look, leave it there.
482
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:32,648
- We shan't be long.
- I thought I was the cavalier parker.
483
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,810
I misused the word.
484
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,697
Cavaliers had manners.
485
00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:47,134
I can probably manage, thank you.
486
00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:50,216
I really don't see the point of this.
487
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,814
And I still resent being called a viper.
488
00:25:53,540 --> 00:25:57,010
Your resentment
is of no interest to me whatsoever.
489
00:26:05,140 --> 00:26:07,734
- Good morning, you two.
- I have very little to say.
490
00:26:07,820 --> 00:26:10,175
- She's in a mood.
- Yes, I can see that.
491
00:26:10,260 --> 00:26:11,739
And rightly so.
492
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:15,415
I know what you and Lionel were up to
last night and I do not approve.
493
00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:19,209
- Well, we are married.
- Oh, spare me the smutty humour.
494
00:26:20,180 --> 00:26:24,776
I mean, last night, any sympathetic
enquiry as to your wellbeing
495
00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:29,297
and you and Lionel steered Stephen
onto some impossible subject
496
00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:31,336
which took up the whole evening.
497
00:26:31,420 --> 00:26:35,698
Look. I am family and I do think I deserve
a little more honesty than that.
498
00:26:36,460 --> 00:26:38,178
- I see.
- Well?
499
00:26:38,260 --> 00:26:40,933
You're right.
It was deceitful and dishonest.
500
00:26:41,020 --> 00:26:43,488
Well, just tell me the truth.
501
00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:46,657
Very well.
502
00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:50,335
The truth is, Judy is going out
with a married man with two children.
503
00:26:50,420 --> 00:26:54,413
Sandy was seeing a teacher with strange
ideas about corporal punishment.
504
00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:59,016
And I got into such a state about retiring
that I had to see a psychotherapist.
505
00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:02,456
Well, thank you for taking me
for a complete fool.
506
00:27:06,780 --> 00:27:08,293
Personally speaking, Jean,
507
00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:11,816
last night was one of the nicest,
chattiest evenings I've ever had.
508
00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:14,858
- Stephen!
- Better go. Bye.
509
00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:18,296
Oh, bye, Stephen.
Don't forget the short cut.
510
00:27:20,940 --> 00:27:24,012
I shall be glad to get back
to the sanity of Hampshire.
511
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:27,615
Do you really think that Hampshire
is a particularly sane place?
512
00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:31,454
Compared to this part of the world, yes.
I simply want...
513
00:27:31,540 --> 00:27:33,417
Good Lord.
514
00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,936
Good morrow, guys.
515
00:27:39,020 --> 00:27:41,818
- How are you?
- What on earth are you doing?
516
00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:45,654
Well, the herald didn't work,
so I thought I'd send the knight himself.
517
00:27:45,740 --> 00:27:48,618
- I see.
- Fare thee well.
518
00:27:51,460 --> 00:27:54,577
- What do you see?
- Nothing, actually.
519
00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:59,250
I'd like you to drive home
quite quickly, please.
520
00:28:07,260 --> 00:28:09,979
# You must remember this
521
00:28:10,060 --> 00:28:12,620
# A kiss is still a kiss
522
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:16,136
# A sigh is just a sigh
523
00:28:17,780 --> 00:28:21,739
# The fundamental things apply
524
00:28:21,820 --> 00:28:25,813
# As time goes by
525
00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:31,618
# And when two lovers woo
526
00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:34,339
# They still say I love you
527
00:28:34,420 --> 00:28:37,378
# On that you can rely
528
00:28:39,940 --> 00:28:44,138
# The world will always welcome lovers
529
00:28:45,660 --> 00:28:53,533
# As time goes by #
43480
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