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00:00:04,245 --> 00:00:06,075
Today on "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear"...
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00:00:06,109 --> 00:00:10,079
♪
3
00:00:10,113 --> 00:00:12,046
Football!
4
00:00:14,393 --> 00:00:16,326
[vuvuzelas blaring]
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00:00:16,361 --> 00:00:18,328
It's good!
6
00:00:18,363 --> 00:00:22,470
♪
7
00:00:34,655 --> 00:00:36,381
Gear!
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00:00:39,108 --> 00:00:40,419
In the Jewish religion,
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00:00:40,454 --> 00:00:42,766
the bar mitzvah
is a time-honored ritual,
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00:00:42,801 --> 00:00:46,149
where at age 13 a boy
becomes a man.
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00:00:47,599 --> 00:00:49,256
Hut-hut, hike.
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00:00:51,637 --> 00:00:53,363
My son's bar mitzvah
comes early,
13
00:00:53,398 --> 00:00:54,709
because at 11 years old,
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00:00:54,744 --> 00:00:59,645
he's finally old enough
to play tackle football.
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00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,095
Six.
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00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:03,373
And in the religion
known as "America,"
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00:01:03,408 --> 00:01:05,237
that'swhen
you become a man.
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00:01:05,272 --> 00:01:07,550
[loud clap]
19
00:01:07,584 --> 00:01:09,724
And there's no better way
to prepare for manhood
20
00:01:09,759 --> 00:01:12,210
than by gettin' some gear.
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00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:16,904
Devin, thanks for
helping us out today.
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00:01:16,938 --> 00:01:18,423
My pleasure.
This is my son.
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00:01:18,457 --> 00:01:20,252
This is my Spurt.How you doing, man?
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00:01:20,287 --> 00:01:22,565
We're outfitting my son today
for tackle football.
25
00:01:22,599 --> 00:01:23,600
Mm-hmm.This is, like, his big
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00:01:23,635 --> 00:01:25,154
transition to manhood.
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00:01:25,188 --> 00:01:26,914
[deep voice]
Manhood.
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00:01:26,948 --> 00:01:28,260
You ready to become
a man today?
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00:01:28,295 --> 00:01:29,123
Yeah.Let's do it!
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00:01:31,298 --> 00:01:33,472
Manhood gear list--
helmet.
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00:01:35,474 --> 00:01:38,477
Yeah, protect the noggin'.
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00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:40,893
Oh, sweet.
[knocking]
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00:01:42,309 --> 00:01:44,138
Shoulder pads.
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00:01:44,173 --> 00:01:45,208
If you're
a wide receiver
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00:01:45,243 --> 00:01:47,210
you're gonna have a little bit
of a slimmer padding
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00:01:47,245 --> 00:01:49,350
so you don't lose any of
that mobility and speed.
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00:01:49,385 --> 00:01:53,285
Unh! Yeah! Football!
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00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:54,838
Athletic cup.
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00:01:54,873 --> 00:01:56,530
Bio-Flex cup.
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00:01:56,564 --> 00:01:58,325
Is that for, like,
robot dicks?
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00:01:58,359 --> 00:01:59,671
'Cause that's the future
of football, right,
42
00:01:59,705 --> 00:02:01,673
is robots playing football.
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00:02:01,707 --> 00:02:05,159
You know what, it should be
robots with human dicks.
44
00:02:05,194 --> 00:02:07,575
They have pain sensors
for the dick, right?
45
00:02:09,819 --> 00:02:11,269
Yeah!
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00:02:11,303 --> 00:02:13,788
Catching gloves.
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00:02:13,823 --> 00:02:15,445
[Jon]
Oh, those are awesome.
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00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,241
You gotta get a pair for dad.[whistle blows]
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00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:19,346
Battle.
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00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:22,349
Quesadilla, quesadilla,
check it!
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00:02:22,383 --> 00:02:24,316
Check it, nacho, nacho,
guac, guac!
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00:02:28,355 --> 00:02:30,357
Yeah, nice!
Terrible defense.
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00:02:32,221 --> 00:02:33,360
[loud clap]
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00:02:33,394 --> 00:02:35,465
Mouthguard.
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00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:38,296
We got the regular Gel Max,
standard mouthguard.
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00:02:38,330 --> 00:02:42,231
And then we also have the Shock
Doctor Gel Max Flavor Fusion,
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00:02:42,265 --> 00:02:45,337
so these ones
actually come flavored.
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00:02:45,372 --> 00:02:47,822
Ugh! I mean, unless you're gonna
tell me they got one
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00:02:47,857 --> 00:02:49,859
that tastes like
a burrito, that'd be cool.
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00:02:51,343 --> 00:02:53,345
Cleats.
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00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:55,347
You want to get
some cleats, right?
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00:02:55,382 --> 00:02:56,486
I have my soccer cleats.
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00:02:56,521 --> 00:02:58,523
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
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00:02:58,557 --> 00:03:00,766
Are you not my son?
You can't just do, like,
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00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:02,389
whatever cleats
for whatever sport.
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00:03:02,423 --> 00:03:04,356
Soccer cleats are different
from football, like,
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00:03:04,391 --> 00:03:06,358
they got a different
cleat pattern.
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00:03:06,393 --> 00:03:08,705
I mean, a lot of these
cleats are nice-- I feel...
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00:03:10,914 --> 00:03:14,849
Whoa.
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00:03:14,884 --> 00:03:17,266
[hard rock music]
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00:03:22,547 --> 00:03:25,274
Oh, yeah.
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00:03:25,308 --> 00:03:26,965
These are sweet.
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00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:29,209
Mazel tov!
List complete.
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00:03:33,074 --> 00:03:35,387
All right.
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00:03:35,422 --> 00:03:37,389
Ready to get out there?Mm-hmm.
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00:03:37,424 --> 00:03:40,392
Now, just remember, you're
a natural Jewish athlete,
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00:03:40,427 --> 00:03:42,739
just like your father,
all right?
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00:03:42,774 --> 00:03:44,051
Just have fun.
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00:03:44,085 --> 00:03:46,398
Go get a touchdown.Okay, I will.
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00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:48,262
What's that saying
from "Friday Night Lights"?
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00:03:48,297 --> 00:03:50,644
Clear eyes, full farts.
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00:03:50,678 --> 00:03:51,783
Good one, dad.
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00:03:51,817 --> 00:03:53,543
Thanks, I know.
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00:03:53,578 --> 00:03:54,993
Do your best,
have fun.
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00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:57,444
Give someone a good stink!
Stink someone!
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00:03:57,478 --> 00:04:01,379
I couldn't believe it.
My little boy was all grown up,
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00:04:01,413 --> 00:04:04,278
fully outfitted for football
and one step closer
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00:04:04,313 --> 00:04:06,867
to becoming a man.
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00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,564
Whoo! Yeah!
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00:04:14,599 --> 00:04:16,083
Game day!
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00:04:16,117 --> 00:04:17,912
Oh, yeah!
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00:04:17,947 --> 00:04:20,639
[laughing]
Yeah!
93
00:04:20,674 --> 00:04:21,916
Here we go!
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00:04:21,951 --> 00:04:24,091
Now, I gotta tell ya,
I got a real sweet
95
00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:26,093
tailgating setup here, uh,
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00:04:26,127 --> 00:04:29,372
I think I nailed it.
What do you think, Spurt?
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00:04:29,407 --> 00:04:31,478
Yeah, you nailed it.What do you think, Gear-i?
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00:04:31,512 --> 00:04:32,617
It's the perfect way
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00:04:32,651 --> 00:04:35,309
to celebrate your son's
impending manhood.
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00:04:35,344 --> 00:04:36,759
Whoo!
All right, let me give you
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00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:39,417
the grand tour of the 'Gate.
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00:04:40,970 --> 00:04:43,524
Got this super sweet RV.
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00:04:43,559 --> 00:04:46,009
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Call this my no-hassle castle.
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00:04:46,044 --> 00:04:48,598
Got a nice little relaxation
station right here.
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00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:49,772
[vuvuzelas blaring]
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00:04:49,806 --> 00:04:51,325
Of course,
you gotta have your grill.
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00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:52,533
[blaring continues throughout]
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00:04:52,568 --> 00:04:54,708
Now, check this thing out--
this is called the Grub Tub.
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00:04:54,742 --> 00:04:56,779
Put all your food in it, and it
connects to your drink,
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00:04:56,813 --> 00:05:00,127
so you can be like...
[pretending to eat]
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00:05:00,161 --> 00:05:02,025
Can you hold that for me?
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00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,062
Sweet party hands, Spurt!
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00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,133
Got a really kick-ass
mini- keg.
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00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,998
Over here we got this really
kick-ass cooler stack.
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00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:10,724
Check out the top cooler.
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00:05:10,758 --> 00:05:12,381
That thing has speakers,
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00:05:12,415 --> 00:05:16,730
so we can crank out the tunes
while we down our brews!
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00:05:16,764 --> 00:05:19,388
And then we got an industrial
size heater over there.
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00:05:19,422 --> 00:05:20,975
That's what the pros use,
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00:05:21,010 --> 00:05:23,564
and we got it here
at the 'Gate.
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00:05:23,599 --> 00:05:25,083
[vuvuzelas blaring]
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00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,981
The 'Gate!
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00:05:27,016 --> 00:05:30,571
Now, one more very special
addition to the tailgate...
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00:05:30,606 --> 00:05:34,092
right back here
in my no-hassle castle.
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00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:36,819
[knocking]
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00:05:36,853 --> 00:05:39,822
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Go Mustangs! Whoo!
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00:05:39,856 --> 00:05:42,514
Go Mustangs!
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00:05:42,549 --> 00:05:45,897
We got New York Jets
superfan, Fireman Ed,
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00:05:45,931 --> 00:05:49,418
joining us today to
cheer on the 'Stangs!
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00:05:49,452 --> 00:05:51,074
Yeah, baby, yeah!
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00:05:51,109 --> 00:05:53,560
Man, I love your tailgate.
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00:05:53,594 --> 00:05:58,461
G-E-A-R,
gear, gear, gear!
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00:05:58,496 --> 00:05:59,669
[vuvuzelas blaring]
Whoo!
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00:05:59,704 --> 00:06:02,189
Hey, Ed, can I interest you
in a Bloody Mary?
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00:06:02,223 --> 00:06:05,882
I've already had three
because the 'Gate can't wait!
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00:06:05,917 --> 00:06:07,505
The 'Gate can't wait!
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00:06:07,539 --> 00:06:09,196
The 'Gate can't wait!
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00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:11,025
Whoo!Oh, here's the coach!
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00:06:11,060 --> 00:06:12,613
What's up, coach?!
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00:06:12,648 --> 00:06:14,408
Somebody's ready
for the game, huh?
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00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:16,030
Here we go Mustangs,
here we go!
142
00:06:16,065 --> 00:06:17,722
Wow... [laughing]
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00:06:17,756 --> 00:06:19,068
Pleasure to meet you.Pleasure to meet you.
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00:06:19,102 --> 00:06:21,450
What's up, coach?Hey, how you doing?
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00:06:21,484 --> 00:06:23,486
Nice to meet you.
All right, how you doing?
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00:06:23,521 --> 00:06:29,423
Great, 'cause, uh, today my son
becomes a man-- oh!
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00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:30,459
I'm sorry,
who is your son?
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00:06:30,493 --> 00:06:32,219
Oh, I'm sorry, that's right,
we haven't met yet.
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00:06:32,253 --> 00:06:35,464
I'm, uh, Glaser's Dad.[vuvuzelas blaring]
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00:06:35,498 --> 00:06:36,741
Glaser?Yeah, but you can call me
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00:06:36,775 --> 00:06:39,433
Sweet Cleats, because,
uh, check these out,
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00:06:39,468 --> 00:06:41,539
I made some custom cleats
for the 'Gate.
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00:06:41,573 --> 00:06:43,989
Got my freshman year
baseball hat right on the side,
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00:06:44,024 --> 00:06:46,440
got some guac and chips
right there,
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00:06:46,475 --> 00:06:47,614
and then the other side,
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00:06:47,648 --> 00:06:48,753
you know, a little
splash of orange,
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00:06:48,787 --> 00:06:50,444
which is kind of
my show's colors,
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00:06:50,479 --> 00:06:53,447
and then we got
a megaphone for... gear!
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00:06:53,482 --> 00:06:54,793
And then check this out,
see this?
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00:06:54,828 --> 00:06:56,588
What do you think that is?
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00:06:56,623 --> 00:06:57,969
I don't know,
a Bible verse?
162
00:06:58,003 --> 00:07:02,007
My New York City Marathon time--
Jon 4:48, four hours,
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00:07:02,042 --> 00:07:04,803
48 minutes-- not bad for
a first timer, right?
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00:07:04,838 --> 00:07:06,495
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
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00:07:06,529 --> 00:07:08,980
Check this out too, I got
a Sweet Cleats theme song.
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00:07:09,014 --> 00:07:10,602
Gear-i. Yes, Jon?
167
00:07:10,637 --> 00:07:12,190
Fire up the Sweet Cleats song?
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00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:16,021
♪
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00:07:16,056 --> 00:07:17,264
♪ Sweet cleats♪
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00:07:17,298 --> 00:07:19,473
♪ He's on his feet,
he can't be beat♪
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00:07:19,508 --> 00:07:20,681
♪ Walkin' down the street♪Jon.
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00:07:20,716 --> 00:07:23,097
Call me Sweet Cleats, coach.Jon!
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00:07:23,132 --> 00:07:24,754
Jon!Hold on, coach,
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00:07:24,789 --> 00:07:27,136
Gear-i, turn it down,
turn it down.
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00:07:27,170 --> 00:07:28,620
Sorry, coach,
what were you saying,
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00:07:28,655 --> 00:07:30,967
something about Sweet Cleats
eatin' all the meats?
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00:07:31,002 --> 00:07:33,763
Your son's not even
on the team.
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00:07:33,798 --> 00:07:35,144
Sure he is, what are you
talking about?
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00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:37,008
Your son's not
on the team.
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00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:38,665
He never showed up
to any practices,
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00:07:38,699 --> 00:07:40,114
we never heard
from the parents.
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00:07:40,149 --> 00:07:42,047
We assumed he just quit.
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00:07:42,082 --> 00:07:44,533
This sheds a lot of
light on it, though.
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00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:48,019
[music continues]
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00:07:48,053 --> 00:07:49,641
Hey, Jon, I gotta go.
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00:07:49,676 --> 00:07:51,160
But good luck with the game,
and good luck
187
00:07:51,194 --> 00:07:53,611
with "Jon Glaser Loves"
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00:07:53,645 --> 00:07:57,787
G-E-A-R, gear, gear!
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00:07:57,822 --> 00:08:00,618
Gear!
190
00:08:03,690 --> 00:08:05,139
Thanks, Fireman Ed.
191
00:08:05,174 --> 00:08:09,316
[music continues]
192
00:08:09,350 --> 00:08:10,766
Turn that off, Gear-i.
[Gear-i beeps, music stops]
193
00:08:19,257 --> 00:08:20,223
It doesn't make any sense.
194
00:08:20,258 --> 00:08:23,157
We bought all the gear,
he was so excited.
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00:08:23,192 --> 00:08:25,746
You were there, you saw
how happy he was, right?
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00:08:25,781 --> 00:08:27,886
He was so pumped.
197
00:08:27,921 --> 00:08:29,543
I took him to
the first practice,
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00:08:29,578 --> 00:08:33,582
I dropped him off, I watched
him walk to the field.
199
00:08:33,616 --> 00:08:35,687
How can he not be
on the team?
200
00:08:35,722 --> 00:08:36,723
Because he's not, Jon.
201
00:08:36,757 --> 00:08:39,829
He just pretended to go
to that first practice.
202
00:08:39,864 --> 00:08:41,831
He doesn't want
to play football.
203
00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:45,352
He's been taking
magic lessons.
204
00:08:45,386 --> 00:08:46,836
Magic?
205
00:08:46,871 --> 00:08:48,873
Whoever heard of
a Jewish magician?
206
00:08:48,907 --> 00:08:51,772
Your sidekick suggested it.
207
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:54,706
We did magic at camp one day,
and he loved it,
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00:08:54,741 --> 00:08:57,744
and then he told me how much
he hates football, so...
209
00:08:57,778 --> 00:09:00,643
I encouraged him
to take some magic lessons
210
00:09:00,678 --> 00:09:04,682
and he's really found something
to be passionate about, I mean,
211
00:09:04,716 --> 00:09:07,926
you should be happy that
your son is finally engaging
212
00:09:07,961 --> 00:09:12,724
in something that's stimulating
and that he loves doing.
213
00:09:12,759 --> 00:09:16,763
Oh, boy.
214
00:09:16,797 --> 00:09:19,248
[sighs]
Wow.
215
00:09:22,423 --> 00:09:24,598
You knew this?
216
00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:26,911
Yeah.
217
00:09:26,945 --> 00:09:28,291
[sighs deeply]
218
00:09:28,326 --> 00:09:33,642
You know, first Steve
[bleep] Eva, and now this.
219
00:09:33,676 --> 00:09:36,955
Betrayed again by my Spurt!
220
00:09:36,990 --> 00:09:39,337
Why would you guys even let me,
like, do the tailgate?
221
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,615
Why not just tell me
he's doing magic?
222
00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:43,893
Because you were having
so much fun, we just thought
223
00:09:43,928 --> 00:09:47,034
we'd just let you continue
until you found out.
224
00:09:49,968 --> 00:09:52,764
Whatever, fine.
225
00:09:52,799 --> 00:09:54,732
It was fun, I had a good time,
the tailgate was awesome,
226
00:09:54,766 --> 00:09:57,251
you know, I enjoyed the gear,
we had a lot of sweet shit.
227
00:09:57,286 --> 00:09:58,667
It would've been more fun
if there was an actual game
228
00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:00,358
and I could've been like,
229
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:04,086
the hero of the 'Gate!
230
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,778
Well, whatever.
231
00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:08,815
Finally take these shoes off,
my feet are killing me.
232
00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:10,023
What are those?
233
00:10:10,057 --> 00:10:14,441
Well, I could tell you,
or actually, I could show you.
234
00:10:14,475 --> 00:10:16,823
Gear-i, play
the Sweet Cleats song.
235
00:10:16,857 --> 00:10:18,341
♪ Sweet cleats,
he's on his feet ♪
236
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:21,966
♪ He can't be beat
walking down the street ♪
237
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,002
♪ You feel the heat
cause a rise in me ♪
238
00:10:24,037 --> 00:10:25,797
♪ Inside of you
sweet cleats ♪
239
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:29,767
[Jon]
I headed to Tannen's Magic Shop
240
00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:33,702
in Manhattan to confront my son
about what was going on.
241
00:10:33,736 --> 00:10:35,945
If he was going to do magic
behind my back,
242
00:10:35,980 --> 00:10:40,294
then I was going to go in front
of hisback and find out why.
243
00:10:40,329 --> 00:10:44,195
Well, well, well, well, well.
244
00:10:44,229 --> 00:10:46,369
Abra-ca-dad-bra.
245
00:10:46,404 --> 00:10:48,199
Daddy appears.
246
00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:50,719
Dad, I'm sorry I lied to you
about playing football.
247
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:54,136
It's just... I didn't want it
to be like hockey last year.
248
00:10:54,170 --> 00:10:57,035
Why not?
That was a very good episode,
249
00:10:57,070 --> 00:11:00,211
super funny, really cool,
lot of sweet gear,
250
00:11:00,245 --> 00:11:01,764
and I got to meet Ron Duguay.
251
00:11:04,042 --> 00:11:06,735
Dad, my life isn't
an episode of TV.
252
00:11:06,769 --> 00:11:08,426
I love magic.
253
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,876
And I think you'll
like it too,
254
00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:13,396
there's a ton of
sweet gear involved.
255
00:11:13,431 --> 00:11:17,159
Yeah, I can see that,
maybe, sure.
256
00:11:17,193 --> 00:11:19,437
You must be the magician.I am.
257
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:21,819
Nice to meet you,
I'm the liar's father.
258
00:11:21,853 --> 00:11:23,441
Nice to meet you.Oh!
259
00:11:25,788 --> 00:11:28,895
That was cool. Neat.
260
00:11:28,929 --> 00:11:31,207
How'd you do that?It's magic.
261
00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:32,933
Awesome.Besides, why would you want me
262
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:34,866
to play tackle
football anyways?
263
00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:37,904
I mean, you read all
the articles about CTE.
264
00:11:37,938 --> 00:11:40,251
That stands for Chronic
Traumatic Encephalopathy.
265
00:11:40,285 --> 00:11:42,391
I know what it stands for,
Spurt, thanks very much.
266
00:11:42,425 --> 00:11:44,186
And you know how dangerous
tackle football is
267
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:45,359
and that your own son...
268
00:11:45,394 --> 00:11:46,740
Yeah, Spurt,
I know how dangerous
269
00:11:46,775 --> 00:11:48,466
tackle football is
for my son.
270
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,468
You know what else
is dangerous for my son?
271
00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:52,263
Magic!Dad...
272
00:11:52,297 --> 00:11:55,266
Think about it-- what about guys
like Siegfried and Roy?
273
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:57,855
They got mauled by tigers,
is that what you want?
274
00:11:57,889 --> 00:11:59,753
Siegfried and Roy
weren't magicians.
275
00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:01,893
They're illusionists.
276
00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:03,757
Whatever, they got
mauled by tigers.
277
00:12:03,792 --> 00:12:06,760
You know what, forget
those guys, how about Houdini?
278
00:12:06,795 --> 00:12:09,383
He was maybe, what, the greatest
magician of them all?
279
00:12:09,418 --> 00:12:11,938
You know what happened to him
while he was doing magic?
280
00:12:11,972 --> 00:12:14,457
He died!
281
00:12:14,492 --> 00:12:15,942
Oh, you know what,
speaking of Houdini,
282
00:12:15,976 --> 00:12:17,115
see this coat I'm wearing?
283
00:12:17,150 --> 00:12:18,807
This is one of my
all-time favorite coats,
284
00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:21,085
the Patagonia Houdini.
285
00:12:21,119 --> 00:12:23,121
Want to know why they
called it the Houdini?
286
00:12:23,156 --> 00:12:24,295
I'll show ya.
287
00:12:24,329 --> 00:12:27,470
Because just like Houdini,
288
00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:29,300
the Patagonia Houdini
289
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:32,855
can make itself go into
a very tight space.
290
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:35,478
You'd think, oh, there's no way
it can find in that pocket,
291
00:12:35,513 --> 00:12:37,135
but it keeps on contorting.
292
00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:39,828
You're like, how does
the Houdini do that?
293
00:12:39,862 --> 00:12:41,899
And just like Houdini...
294
00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:44,798
it virtually disappears,
295
00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:48,975
just like
my son's honesty.
296
00:12:49,009 --> 00:12:50,908
Let's go home, please.
297
00:12:50,942 --> 00:12:53,013
Sorry.It's all right.
298
00:12:58,225 --> 00:13:01,228
So, magic's as dangerous
as football, right, doc?
299
00:13:01,263 --> 00:13:03,610
From a medical standpoint
it's beyond dispute,
300
00:13:03,644 --> 00:13:04,680
for traumatic head injuries,
301
00:13:04,714 --> 00:13:08,097
football has significantly
more risks than magic.
302
00:13:08,132 --> 00:13:10,824
And you say all of this
based on what?
303
00:13:10,859 --> 00:13:12,999
Research.Oh, research.
304
00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:14,966
Oh, okay, I see,
and have you ever studied
305
00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:17,106
the brain of a magician?
306
00:13:17,141 --> 00:13:19,005
Uh, no.Oh, so it's half a study,
307
00:13:19,039 --> 00:13:21,214
it's not even research,
it's quack science.
308
00:13:21,248 --> 00:13:24,389
Well, research shows--[quacking]
309
00:13:24,424 --> 00:13:25,632
Dad, just listen to him.
310
00:13:25,666 --> 00:13:28,221
What? I'm doing a good Donald
Duck for the quack doctor.
311
00:13:28,255 --> 00:13:30,119
Over the course of just
one football season...
312
00:13:30,154 --> 00:13:32,950
[Donald Duck voice]
Of just one football season...
313
00:13:32,984 --> 00:13:34,883
All right, Jon, that's fine,
we're gonna not compare
314
00:13:34,917 --> 00:13:40,026
football injuries to magic...[continues Donald Duck voice]
315
00:13:40,060 --> 00:13:42,338
Jon, I want you to listen
to what I'm saying to you.
316
00:13:42,373 --> 00:13:43,857
Jon, Jon...
317
00:13:43,892 --> 00:13:46,101
Jon!
318
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:52,348
[sighs deeply]
319
00:13:52,383 --> 00:13:55,041
I'm sorry. That was not
a respectful way
320
00:13:55,075 --> 00:13:56,905
to talk to a doctor,
321
00:13:56,939 --> 00:13:59,597
even though that's
a half of a study.
322
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:05,672
This is a very difficult subject
for me because there's...
323
00:14:05,706 --> 00:14:10,021
there's something I have
not told you and your mom
324
00:14:10,056 --> 00:14:12,921
that I need to tell you.
325
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:17,028
Well, what is it?
326
00:14:17,063 --> 00:14:20,514
Jon, what is it?
327
00:14:20,549 --> 00:14:23,069
What is it,
seriously?
328
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:28,005
Before I met your mom...
329
00:14:28,039 --> 00:14:29,385
I was married.
330
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:30,559
What!?
331
00:14:30,593 --> 00:14:32,595
I was married to
a magician.
332
00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:39,395
So, I know this is
kind of weird to talk about,
333
00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:43,089
that I was married to
someone else before.
334
00:14:43,123 --> 00:14:48,197
My ex-wife, she left me
in a way that was...
335
00:14:48,232 --> 00:14:49,958
devastating.
336
00:14:49,992 --> 00:14:54,065
I was her assistant, and we
had this really killer trick,
337
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,378
you know, we had this big box
and she put me in the box
338
00:14:56,412 --> 00:14:59,450
and spin it round and round
and I'd disappear.
339
00:14:59,484 --> 00:15:00,969
And then she'd
make me re-appear,
340
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:02,453
and it was a show-stopper,
I mean,
341
00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:05,318
it knocked the socks off
the audience's balls.
342
00:15:05,352 --> 00:15:07,423
Anyway, one night
we're doing the trick,
343
00:15:07,458 --> 00:15:09,978
get in the box...
disappear,
344
00:15:10,012 --> 00:15:14,292
only this time I re-appear
in a divorce lawyer's office.
345
00:15:14,327 --> 00:15:16,467
Sounds cool.Yeah, it wasn't.
346
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,503
Anyway, here, I can show you
what happened.
347
00:15:18,538 --> 00:15:20,954
Gear-i, can you please
look up the video entitled
348
00:15:20,989 --> 00:15:25,683
"Magician's Assistant Looks
Like [bleep] Idiot".
349
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:28,410
Found it.
Oh, boy.
350
00:15:28,444 --> 00:15:30,653
[applause on phone]
Thank you.
351
00:15:30,688 --> 00:15:31,689
Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.
352
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:34,036
Now, for my next trick,
353
00:15:34,071 --> 00:15:37,695
I'm wondering if you'd like
to see my assistant disappear?
354
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:40,146
[applause]
355
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:44,322
Nice moustache, daddy.
356
00:15:44,357 --> 00:15:47,084
Assistant, please step
into the box?
357
00:15:47,118 --> 00:15:49,534
♪
358
00:15:56,679 --> 00:15:58,716
As you can see...
359
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,339
he's gone!
[applause]
360
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,136
Ta-da!
361
00:16:05,171 --> 00:16:08,691
[deep voice]
Divorced.
362
00:16:08,726 --> 00:16:13,351
Now it's on the internet,
for the whole world to see.
363
00:16:13,386 --> 00:16:16,009
Anyway, um...
364
00:16:16,044 --> 00:16:17,286
that's why I got
really upset
365
00:16:17,321 --> 00:16:19,806
when I heard
you were doing magic.
366
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,533
That's what I meant about
you getting hurt.
367
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:26,295
I meant getting hurt
emotionally.
368
00:16:26,330 --> 00:16:29,402
And I just-- I don't want
that to happen to you.
369
00:16:29,436 --> 00:16:31,093
Thanks, dad.
370
00:16:31,128 --> 00:16:34,200
And I know you're always
looking out for me,
371
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:37,306
and I'm sure what you went
through was tough for you,
372
00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:42,070
but you just always have to
remember that magic...
373
00:16:42,104 --> 00:16:43,381
can heal.
374
00:16:43,416 --> 00:16:45,038
[Leslie]
Oh!
375
00:16:45,073 --> 00:16:46,212
What?
376
00:16:46,246 --> 00:16:47,592
How'd you do that?
377
00:16:47,627 --> 00:16:50,147
I-I want to use magic
to make people feel better.
378
00:16:50,181 --> 00:16:53,046
Was that behind me ear
the whole time?
379
00:16:53,081 --> 00:16:55,221
Like, has this been
here my, my entire life?
380
00:16:55,255 --> 00:16:56,705
No, dad.How is it possible?
381
00:16:56,739 --> 00:16:59,501
I shower and I, like,
clean behind my ears.
382
00:16:59,535 --> 00:17:04,057
How would I not notice, like,
a huge ball... behind my ear?
383
00:17:04,092 --> 00:17:05,058
Okay, Jon.
384
00:17:05,093 --> 00:17:06,542
Is this a tumor?
385
00:17:06,577 --> 00:17:08,061
No.Am I dying?
386
00:17:08,096 --> 00:17:09,683
No!I'm dying.
387
00:17:09,718 --> 00:17:11,202
Hey, hey...Oh, I'm dying!
388
00:17:11,237 --> 00:17:12,307
That's enough.
That's enough.
389
00:17:15,896 --> 00:17:17,588
♪
390
00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:19,107
[Jon]
It had become clear to me
391
00:17:19,141 --> 00:17:21,385
that my son had become a man,
392
00:17:21,419 --> 00:17:23,283
a man-gician.
393
00:17:23,318 --> 00:17:25,147
So, I turned to him
and his instructor
394
00:17:25,182 --> 00:17:29,289
to help me devise a trick
to get back at my ex-wife.
395
00:17:29,324 --> 00:17:33,811
First step, immerse myself
in the world of magic.
396
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,331
♪
397
00:17:38,919 --> 00:17:41,439
I'm gonna place it right inside
the box, watch it close.
398
00:17:41,474 --> 00:17:43,545
Now you see it,
and now you don't.
399
00:17:43,579 --> 00:17:44,891
It really is gone.
400
00:17:44,925 --> 00:17:47,100
Look inside your pocket.
401
00:17:47,135 --> 00:17:48,446
What?
402
00:17:53,417 --> 00:17:55,246
Little small ones there,
see that one, right here,
403
00:17:55,281 --> 00:17:56,903
the one that comes down?
This one, right here, look.
404
00:17:56,937 --> 00:17:57,904
Here it is.
405
00:17:57,938 --> 00:18:00,320
Here you go, Gear-i. You're the devil!
406
00:18:00,355 --> 00:18:02,460
♪
407
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,433
Let me try.
408
00:18:20,168 --> 00:18:22,273
After several weeks
of intensive training,
409
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:24,344
we had come up
with a trick.
410
00:18:24,379 --> 00:18:26,139
All that was left to do...
411
00:18:26,174 --> 00:18:28,210
was see if it worked.
412
00:18:28,245 --> 00:18:30,212
Whoo![laughing]
413
00:18:30,247 --> 00:18:31,317
That's what I'm talking
about, right?
414
00:18:31,351 --> 00:18:37,150
That's hot.Incredible, man.
415
00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:38,634
Gear!
416
00:18:41,189 --> 00:18:43,708
[applause]
417
00:18:45,745 --> 00:18:46,884
[whispering]
It's her.
418
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,334
My lovely friend
in the second row,
419
00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:51,233
was the number you were
thinking of...
420
00:18:51,268 --> 00:18:52,303
32?
421
00:18:52,338 --> 00:18:53,442
Yes.
422
00:18:53,477 --> 00:18:54,616
[applause]
423
00:18:54,650 --> 00:18:55,824
Oh, man, I hope this works.
424
00:19:00,863 --> 00:19:02,900
Yeah, dad, just believe...
425
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:06,490
in the power of magic.
426
00:19:06,524 --> 00:19:09,251
How do you guys do that?
That, that's crazy!
427
00:19:09,286 --> 00:19:13,255
Dad! Focus!Right, okay, okay, you're right.
428
00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:15,223
Thank you.Yeah.
429
00:19:15,257 --> 00:19:16,741
Now, boys and girls,
430
00:19:16,776 --> 00:19:19,365
would you like to see
my assistant disappear?
431
00:19:19,399 --> 00:19:21,332
[girl]
Yes!
432
00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:26,544
Assistant, please step
in the box.
433
00:19:26,579 --> 00:19:29,202
♪
434
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:36,382
And just like that...
435
00:19:36,416 --> 00:19:37,659
she's gone.Ta-da!
436
00:19:37,693 --> 00:19:40,282
What the hell?
437
00:19:40,317 --> 00:19:42,215
Thank you, thank you!
438
00:19:42,250 --> 00:19:44,493
Thank you very much!
439
00:19:44,528 --> 00:19:46,771
Boys and girls,
you're probably wondering,
440
00:19:46,806 --> 00:19:51,431
who is this person that just
appeared from the box?
441
00:19:52,812 --> 00:19:55,504
Tawny.Jon.
442
00:19:55,539 --> 00:19:57,299
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
443
00:19:57,334 --> 00:20:01,407
let me introduce to you Jon,
my former assistant!
444
00:20:01,441 --> 00:20:03,236
[applause]
445
00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:06,826
Yes, and her former husband.
446
00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:11,520
That's true,
we were married once.
447
00:20:11,555 --> 00:20:15,455
Yes, until she divorced me.
448
00:20:15,490 --> 00:20:17,699
Perhaps some of your
parents are divorced.
449
00:20:17,733 --> 00:20:19,252
Well, that's what we are.
450
00:20:19,287 --> 00:20:21,289
Okay, stop the music.
451
00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:23,291
Jon, what is going on?
What, what are you doing here?
452
00:20:23,325 --> 00:20:24,464
What's with the cameras?
453
00:20:24,499 --> 00:20:27,260
Oh, I, uh,
have my own show now.
454
00:20:27,295 --> 00:20:31,540
It's on TruTV, and uh, it's
called "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".
455
00:20:31,575 --> 00:20:35,648
How'd you get here?By magic, of course.
456
00:20:35,682 --> 00:20:37,650
I thought you hated magic.
457
00:20:37,684 --> 00:20:41,343
Really?
Well, I thought you loved me.
458
00:20:41,378 --> 00:20:42,896
And if you had a problem
with our marriage,
459
00:20:42,931 --> 00:20:46,417
then you should've just told me,
rather than put me in a box
460
00:20:46,452 --> 00:20:48,454
and make me disappear
and re-appear
461
00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:50,594
in a divorce lawyer's office.
462
00:20:50,628 --> 00:20:52,768
Jon, come on,
I was so young.
463
00:20:52,803 --> 00:20:55,012
We were just becoming
successful,
464
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,670
I let the success
get to my head.
465
00:20:57,704 --> 00:20:59,430
Plus, I wanted to be
with other guys.
466
00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:01,881
Oh, I knew it, I knew it.
467
00:21:01,915 --> 00:21:04,401
Who was it?
Did ya bone Blaine?
468
00:21:04,435 --> 00:21:05,471
You're so hung up
on that guy.
469
00:21:05,505 --> 00:21:08,025
Did you make his [bleep]
disappear in your vagina?
470
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:09,129
You better stop.
471
00:21:09,164 --> 00:21:10,959
You're so obsessed with him.Was that who you did?
472
00:21:10,993 --> 00:21:13,030
Chris Angel?
Did you go after an Angel?
473
00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:16,344
It was Jon Cryer!
474
00:21:16,378 --> 00:21:18,104
[whispering]
Duckie from "Pretty in Pink"?
475
00:21:18,138 --> 00:21:20,313
Yep.That's our movie!
476
00:21:20,348 --> 00:21:24,697
He's not even a magician.
477
00:21:24,731 --> 00:21:27,389
[Donald Duck voice]
Oh, boy.
478
00:21:27,424 --> 00:21:30,496
[kids laughing]It's not funny!
479
00:21:30,530 --> 00:21:33,947
Stop laughing!I'm sorry.
480
00:21:33,982 --> 00:21:35,880
Boys and girls,
I think we're learning
481
00:21:35,915 --> 00:21:38,435
a very valuable
lesson here today--
482
00:21:38,469 --> 00:21:44,061
that magic should be
used to amaze people...
483
00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:47,961
not hurt their feelings.
484
00:21:47,996 --> 00:21:53,415
Yeah, and magic should also
not be used to get revenge
485
00:21:53,450 --> 00:21:56,245
on your ex-wife even though she
did something shitty to you.
486
00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:01,112
Kids...
487
00:22:01,147 --> 00:22:03,529
what do you say Jon and I
do one more trick
488
00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:06,394
for old time's sake?
Would you like that?
489
00:22:06,428 --> 00:22:07,464
Yeah!
[applause]
490
00:22:07,498 --> 00:22:09,914
Yes? Yes?
491
00:22:09,949 --> 00:22:12,538
You got one more
trick in you?
492
00:22:12,572 --> 00:22:13,573
For the kids?
493
00:22:16,438 --> 00:22:18,716
Okay, fine. Okay...One more trick!
494
00:22:20,442 --> 00:22:22,444
Whatever.
495
00:22:22,479 --> 00:22:25,447
He's going back into the box--
is that okay?
496
00:22:25,482 --> 00:22:26,862
I don't know.
497
00:22:28,968 --> 00:22:34,594
♪
498
00:22:34,629 --> 00:22:37,425
And just like that...
499
00:22:37,459 --> 00:22:39,565
he's gone!
500
00:22:39,599 --> 00:22:40,911
Ta-da!
501
00:22:40,945 --> 00:22:42,430
Oh, son of a bitch, [bleep]!
502
00:22:47,124 --> 00:22:50,541
And now, we will be showing you
a new twist on an old classic.
503
00:22:50,576 --> 00:22:52,060
Normally you see a magician
504
00:22:52,094 --> 00:22:54,718
putting their assistant in the
box and making them disappear.
505
00:22:54,752 --> 00:22:56,789
I will be putting myself
in the box
506
00:22:56,823 --> 00:22:57,962
and making myself
disappear.
507
00:22:57,997 --> 00:23:00,068
But first, please help me
in giving
508
00:23:00,102 --> 00:23:03,899
a warm welcome to my lovely
assistant, Sweet Cleats!
509
00:23:03,934 --> 00:23:05,729
♪ Sweet cleats,
he's on his feet ♪
510
00:23:05,763 --> 00:23:08,421
♪ He can't be beat
going down the street ♪
511
00:23:13,115 --> 00:23:14,910
♪ Sweet cleats [mouthing words]
512
00:23:17,637 --> 00:23:23,919
[dramatic music]
513
00:23:23,954 --> 00:23:26,059
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next time you see me,
514
00:23:26,094 --> 00:23:28,130
I will have magically
transported myself
515
00:23:28,165 --> 00:23:30,616
through the walls,
into the hallway,
516
00:23:30,650 --> 00:23:33,515
and right outside
the front door.
517
00:23:55,157 --> 00:23:58,195
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
518
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,508
I present to you...
519
00:24:00,542 --> 00:24:01,681
the amazing...
520
00:24:06,134 --> 00:24:08,861
We actually want more Steve.
521
00:24:08,895 --> 00:24:10,828
The network wants to fire you.What?
522
00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:12,968
If you don't hear from me in
a week, you come in and get me.
523
00:24:13,003 --> 00:24:14,038
Oh, yeah, of course.
524
00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:19,043
Holy [bleep]!
525
00:24:25,705 --> 00:24:27,811
[hard rock music]
526
00:24:27,845 --> 00:24:30,503
[vuvuzelas blaring]
37709
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