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Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...
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00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:12,413
[thumping in rhythm]
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00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:15,349
[playing "Wipeout"]
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00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,030
Surfing!
5
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,100
Gear!
6
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:35,869
*
7
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,218
Gear!
8
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,589
(Jon)
Surfing is a sport
I've never tried.
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00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,426
It looks really fun
and it has a lot of cool gear,
10
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,494
and there's no question that
cool surfer dudes
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00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,730
appeal to the ladies.
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00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,965
So I headed out
to Breakwater Surf Company
13
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:08,102
in Rockaway Beach to gear up
for my first-ever surf lesson
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00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:11,739
and impress the number one
beach babe in my life.
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00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,073
Oh, yeah.
16
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,242
Sweet.
17
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,509
Hi, guys, I'm Gerald.
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00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,677
Welcome to Breakwater Surf.
19
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,011
I'm Jon.
Nice to meet you, Jon.
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00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:19,847
Uh, this is my wife.
Leslie.
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00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,315
Nice to meet you,
Leslie.
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00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,983
(whispering)
She's actually not my wife,
just so you know.
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00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,518
She's an actress
who's playing my wife,
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00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,254
but you could refer to her
as my wife.
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Okay, okay,
I'll definitely do that.
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00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:32,593
So, yeah, my wife and I,
we're pretty psyched to be here.
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00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:35,329
I've never surfed, I'm gonna
take a lesson later today.
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So this is my first time doing
anything surfing related,
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00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,702
and I'm looking to gear up
and I'm looking to you
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00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:48,108
to sort of be my...
surf expert or my "surfspert".
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Just call you Gerald?
Yeah, yeah.
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00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,145
No problem, man,
that's cool.
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All right, hon,
you get some 'kinis.
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I'm so excited.
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00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,618
Yeah, all right, you go get
some 'kinis and...
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00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,653
Yes.
...me and Gerald
are gonna gear up.
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00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,792
Oh, yeah!
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00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,994
That's cool, man.
This thing's sweet.
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00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,629
The only thing that happens
is that a lot of the times
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00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,198
people start recognizing,
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00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:12,333
they notice you
with that bright color.
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00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,534
They're looking at you,
saying,
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"Geez, that guy looks
like a bit of a kook."
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00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:19,006
"Kook" is a term for a guy
who doesn't know how to surf,
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00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,642
is trying to look too cool,
that kind of a thing.
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00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,643
That's me.
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00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,178
What's a good
beginner board?
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00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,746
See that green board there?
That one?
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00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,815
That Softech right there?
That's not bad looking.
50
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,017
As long as it-- listen,
as long as it looks cool.
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00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:33,987
I gotta look rad when I'm
shredding mother naytch.
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00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,357
What's some lingo that
I should be using out there
53
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,691
so I don't look like
just, you know,
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00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,360
Joe Schmo
from the streets?
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00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,362
Killer swell.
Some killer swell.
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00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,265
Shreddin' the 'nar.
Shreddin' the 'nar, like that?
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00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,499
Yeah... killer.
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00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,000
Pop the Tostito.
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00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,602
Yo, man, I'm gonna pop
that crunch, right?
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00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,839
I mean--
Crunch that, crunch that shred.
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00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:52,873
What's up, babe?
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00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,608
How's the 'kini browse?
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00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,110
Hmm...
You have some cool stuff?
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00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,848
I was thinking, like, a
one-piece would be good for TV.
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00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,583
Um...
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00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,952
Yeah, I mean, this could work,
but this feels so dark,
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00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,086
I don't know if that's
good for the camera.
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00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,688
They have
a white one too.
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00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:13,026
Um, what about, like,
something like this?
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00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,462
I mean,
this is pretty nice.
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00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,397
It's kind of small.
Right?
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00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,299
That's hot.
We should get--
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00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,600
We'll get the right size.
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00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,868
Yeah?
75
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,536
Um, do you think, like,
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00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,137
when your wife is watching it
back and everything
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00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,307
that this might be,
like, a bit more...
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00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,409
When my wife
is watching it back?
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00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,711
Um, you're my wife,
remember?
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00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:34,582
I just think this would look
so good on you.
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00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,417
I mean, listen,
you know me, I'm a feminist,
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00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:39,553
I support women, I want women
to be comfortable.
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00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,322
But I do feel like
part of that is at the beach
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00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,557
it's just empowering yourself
as a woman to say,
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00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,058
"This is my body."
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There's nothing more
that screams feminist
87
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,963
than "bikini," right?
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00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,967
(Jon)
With my wife's
'kini all settled,
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00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,769
I headed to the beach
to meet Mike and Mike
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00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,906
from Local Surf School
for my first lesson.
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00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,007
Hey, guys.
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00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,842
What's up, boss?
How's it going?
93
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,010
I'm Jon.
94
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,412
I'm Mike, nice to meet you.
Mike.
95
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,746
And I'm Mike.
Mike as well.
96
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,747
Yeah.
97
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:07,915
This is my wife,
Leslie.
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00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:08,949
Hey, Leslie.
Hi, Leslie.
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00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,183
All right, sweetie,
thanks a lot.
100
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:12,753
See ya in a bit.
101
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,121
So, Jon, have you been
to Rockaway before?
102
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,188
Never been
out here before.
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00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,290
Never been here, so...
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00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,459
This is called Beach
69th street.
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00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,429
Hey, babe, you know where
we're at-- this is beach 69.
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00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,430
(laughing)
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00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,464
(Mike)
She's not impressed.
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00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,766
Not yet,
not 'til tonight.
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00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,535
Yeah, I don't even
know what that means.
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00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:30,704
Paddle, paddle, paddle,
and pop up.
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00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,141
Oh, boy.
It's going to be a long day.
112
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:37,945
Paddle, paddle, paddle,
and pop up.
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00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,212
Way better.
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00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:43,317
Let's paddle, paddle, paddle,
and pop up.
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00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,552
Hey, dude, nice job.
Nice!
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00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:47,287
(Jon playing "Wipeout"
on guitar)
117
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,056
(Jon)
It was time to hit the oash
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00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,626
and do a little shreddin' all
over mother naytch.
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00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,900
You like head, the hood?
120
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,202
You like these?
You don't like 'em.
121
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,637
Your loss, dude.
122
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,838
(Jon)
I was a little nervous
123
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,807
to get out on my board
for the first time,
124
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,543
but it was totally worth it
for all the cool shots!
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00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,144
(hard rock playing)
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00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,649
It was the moment of truth,
my first-ever ride.
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00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:20,020
I thought I popped up
pretty good, but then uh-oh!
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00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,255
Oh, boy!
129
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,358
Oh-oh...
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00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,826
Oh, well, no biggie.
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00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,861
It's like they say
out on the oash,
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00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:31,565
"If at first you don't
shred seed, harblar the gnar."
133
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,834
What?
134
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,736
After biting it hard
a bunch of times,
135
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,671
it was finally time
to show mother naytch
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00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,007
there was a new
surf boss in town.
137
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:44,277
Some might think he's a kook,
but all I see is Johnny Cool!
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00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,514
*
139
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:51,619
Yeah!
140
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,921
In your face,
mother naytch!
141
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:05,399
(laughing)
Oh, yeah, wipeout!
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00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,768
Yeah, shreddin' mother chur--
143
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,637
that's another way
of saying naytch,
144
00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:13,541
which is just another way
of saying "nature".
145
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:17,044
Whoo! Yeah, babe, I did it!
146
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,046
Good job, Jon!
147
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,882
Shredded mother naytch!
148
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,551
Gear!
149
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,154
Whoo!
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00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,723
(Jon)
After conquering the ocean,
151
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,727
it was now time to enjoy
the on-shore side of surfing.
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00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,062
Dude...
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00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:38,899
So we hired some cool surf dudes
to be my new beach buds.
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00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,501
Chillzer.
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00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,802
P-Nut.
156
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,136
Skullzy.
157
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:44,905
Jeff.
158
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,273
You guys wanna hear
"Wipeout"?
159
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,276
(playing "Wipeout")
160
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,744
Wipeout!
161
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,079
Pretty good, right?
162
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,081
I've gotta tell you,
it's pretty, uh...
163
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:57,485
pretty sweet to be hanging
with my new buds at the beach.
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00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:59,520
(Jon)
All right,
let's freeze it for a second.
165
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,423
We had to pause the action there
to explain something.
166
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:07,427
Um, TrueTV didn't think
that my surfer voice
167
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,163
was authentic enough.
168
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,634
I respectfully disagree,
I thought I kinda nailed it.
169
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,136
But in any case,
we had to hire an actual surfer
170
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:21,274
to come in, here in post,
and dub over all of my dialog.
171
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:24,444
So, uh, that's what
we're here doing.
172
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,313
We're gonna shoot it.
173
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,882
Let's get him
in the booth.
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00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:32,152
So hey, man, we are rolling and,
uh, whenever you're ready.
175
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,187
All right, cool, cool.
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00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:38,726
Oh, um, my agent said
that it didn't have to be
177
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:43,130
like, word-for-word,
just like...
178
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,965
capture the spirit
of it.
179
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,203
Yeah, let's actually, uh,
we're gonna get word-for-word.
180
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,305
Stick to the script please
and then when we feel
181
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,241
like we got it, we'll have
some fun with it, okay?
182
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,877
All right, sounds fair.
Thank you.
183
00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:02,983
I'm super stoked to hang out
with my new buds on the beach.
184
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,719
Nice, man, real sweet.
185
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,655
All right.
186
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,490
(Bleep) waste of time.
187
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,159
(Jon)
Okay, let's get back
to the scene
188
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:16,163
with the supposedly more
authentic surfer voice in there.
189
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:19,933
(dubbed voice)
Pretty sweet to be hangin' with
my new buds at the beach.
190
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:23,403
Hey, did I tell you guys about
my new restaurant idea?
191
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:27,107
Pretty cool, man,
it's called Pasta Mañana.
192
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,844
Get some pasta today,
get a banana tomorrow.
193
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,880
And then every time people come
back the next day
194
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,548
for the banana, I'll say,
195
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,249
"No, you gotta
come back tomorrow
196
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:39,219
because it's Pasta Mañana."
197
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,421
And then I never
have to buy a single banana
198
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,924
'cause every time people
show up, I'm like,
199
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:47,127
"You gotta come back
the next day."
200
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,897
Pasta Mañana.
201
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,399
(playing "Wipeout")
202
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,202
It's the ultimate wipeout.
203
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,770
Hey, what's up, babe?
204
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,706
Hey, guys,
this is my wife.
205
00:08:58,706 --> 00:08:59,740
Hi.
Hey, these are the guys,
206
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,041
my new beach buds.
207
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,876
Hey, hon,
show off the suit!
208
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,546
Hey, all right!
209
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,248
I guess it's bikini weather,
right, bros?
210
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,751
(laughing)
211
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,893
Hey, uh...
212
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,561
I'll be right back, guys.
213
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,897
I'm gonna go
check something out.
214
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,098
(dubbed voice)
When you see someone sad
215
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,734
and alone at the beach,
216
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,902
it's beach rules
to include them.
217
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,672
No one should be
lonely at the beach.
218
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,340
Hey, man.
Hey.
219
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,908
How's it goin'?
220
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,576
Good, man.
221
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,478
Mind if I join you?
222
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,247
No, please.
223
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,619
(groaning)
224
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:48,521
What's your name?
225
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,758
Charlie.
226
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,460
I saw you checking out me
and my buds back there.
227
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,696
Why don't you come
join us, man?
228
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,932
Uh, I would, but...
229
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,601
Charlie don't surf.
230
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,172
That's all right,
I don't surf either.
231
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:07,540
Anyway, Charlie,
you seem cool, man.
232
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,277
I could tell you and I will be
good buds and have a good time.
233
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,544
Why don't you
come join us?
234
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,847
I'd love that, man,
I'd love that, thank you.
235
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:14,982
Let's do it, man.
236
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,784
We got a cool crew, yeah,
237
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,019
it'll take you real fast,
yeah, man.
238
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:22,155
Hey, guys,
this is Charlie.
239
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:25,058
He says he don't surf.
(laughing)
240
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,727
I said he could hang
with us today.
241
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,795
Hey, man.
242
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,529
Hey, Charlie,
this is the guys.
243
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,464
This is my wife,
my wife, Leslie.
244
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,734
Hi.
And this is Charlie.
245
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,169
Hey.
246
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:39,006
So what do you guys say?
247
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,808
Now that we got
a new member of the gang,
248
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,843
should we get a little beach
hang goin' on?
249
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,411
Yeah!
(all cheering)
250
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:45,512
Well, all right!
251
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,982
(playing "Wipeout")
252
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,084
(all)
Wipeout!
253
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:57,224
(surfer music playing)
254
00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,861
(Jon)
Hangin' out with my new
beach buds was really fun.
255
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,196
I had a great time playing
a little Frisbee.
256
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:10,704
Played a little hacky sack,
got to show off my skills.
257
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:11,905
And cracked some cold brews
258
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,407
with my sweet,
new sandal bottle opener.
259
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,409
Other than that, there was
a lot of high-fiving
260
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,412
and general
cool running along the beach.
261
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,848
Okay, back to the episode
262
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:24,684
with my voice unnecessarily
dubbed by that surfer guy.
263
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,387
(dubbed voice)
All right, guys, I love to hang,
but I'm gonna split.
264
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,857
Gonna head back to my
chill bungalow.
265
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,058
Just gotta find my lady
266
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,460
and end the day with
a nice walk on the beach.
267
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,928
(guys)
All right...
268
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,798
(dubbed voice)
Have you guys
seen her anywhere, man?
269
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,300
(Jon playing
"Wipeout" on guitar)
270
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:45,038
What the (bleep)?
271
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,740
(normal voice)
Would you guys cut for a second?
272
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,712
Hey, Eva, hey.
273
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,048
What's goin' on?
274
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,717
That is not cool,
what is goin' on here.
275
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,753
Okay, hookin' up
with one of my beach bros
276
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,121
is not in the script,
277
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,090
just like hooking up
with my former sidekick
278
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,925
wasn't in the script.
279
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:07,995
(Jon playing
"Wipeout" on guitar)
280
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,332
("Wipeout" continues)
281
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,803
She (bleep)
my former sidekick.
282
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:19,239
Jon, I'm not in character
right now, I'm Eva right now.
283
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:25,745
And I, Eva,
not your wife, like Charlie.
284
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,280
This is not cool, Eva!
285
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,116
You're still here.
286
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,618
Jon, this is real life,
I'm not on-set right now.
287
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,286
I'm not filming right now.
288
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,522
Yeah, but you were
basically gonna.
289
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,959
I mean, the whole world's a
stage, Eva, including the beach.
290
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:41,494
Okay, you know what?
291
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,164
You cannot be
my fake wife anymore.
292
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,434
We need to get a fake divorce
and you are for real fired.
293
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,769
Sorry, sorry.
294
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,874
Fine!
295
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,176
This is so stupid anyway.
296
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,979
(slow motion)
Wait a minute-- no...!
297
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,350
Oh, my God!
298
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,818
(normal voice)
It's my wife's real ring!
299
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:09,156
You know what, I feel really
bad for your real wife.
300
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,190
You know, me too!
301
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,893
You just threw her ring
in the sand.
302
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,327
(dubbed voice)
I couldn't believe my fake wife
303
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:18,665
threw my real wife's real ring
in the real sand.
304
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,000
(Bleep)!
305
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,337
(gull cawing)
(Bleep) you, gull.
306
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,373
(dubbed voice)
If I didn't find that ring,
307
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,508
I was a shred man walking.
308
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,078
(normal voice)
Anyone see where it landed?
309
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,246
Did you guys see where
the ring landed?
310
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,848
(softly)
Goddamn it.
311
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,017
(dubbed voice)
And trying to find
that ring in the sand
312
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:40,353
would be like trying to find
a needle in the sand.
313
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,190
(Bleep), oh,
I'm so (bleep).
314
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,225
I'm so (bleep).
315
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,861
(dubbed voice)
Then something caught my eye.
316
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,763
The solution
to my epic problem,
317
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,901
which turned my gear frown
upside-down.
318
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,736
(normal voice)
Hey, dude, cool gear, man!
319
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,039
Nice!
320
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,708
(chuckling)
Oh, yeah.
321
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,443
Yeah, cool!
322
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,712
I like that thing!
323
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,948
What is that?
324
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,216
(dubbed voice)
I was totally intrigued
325
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,551
by that detector bro's
metal detector,
326
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,387
so I picked myself up
some cool new gear.
327
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:17,690
No longer was I
a carefree bohemian surfer.
328
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,694
I was now a carefree bohemian
metal detecting dude.
329
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,931
(detector beeping)
330
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,740
Hopefully all this cool gear
would help me find that ring.
331
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,543
(beeping faster)
332
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,974
(detector beeping)
333
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,079
(beeping faster)
334
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,421
(waves rolling,
gulls cawing)
335
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,663
(dramatic music)
336
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,045
(dubbed voice)
Are you okay?
337
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,650
I mean...
338
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:54,021
This metal detector you found,
this is my metal detector
339
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:57,324
'cause I was here
the other day, beachcombing,
340
00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:00,627
and I just got into this
really deep meditation
341
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:05,565
and I don't know how long I
would've been under the sand
342
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:10,003
if you hadn't come by
and saved my life.
343
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,671
(dubbed voice)
That's crazy, right?
344
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,806
Yeah.
(beeping faster)
345
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,709
Whoa! Hold up.
346
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,347
Life's paying you back,
come on, life.
347
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,749
Please, please.
348
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,984
Oh, my God, please.
(rattling)
349
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,019
You hear that?
350
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:29,689
Rocks, seashells,
no-- yes!
351
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,824
Yes!
352
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,926
Whoo!
(laughing)
353
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,395
Found it!
354
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:36,696
Yes!
355
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,531
Oh, my God!
356
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,200
Oh, my God!
357
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,536
That's the magic
of life, man.
358
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,673
That's exactly right--
no, think about it.
359
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,276
If we don't do
a surfing episode,
360
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,878
then my fake wife, she's not
gonna meet that surfing dude,
361
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:54,047
and we don't get
fake divorced,
362
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:57,016
she doesn't throw my real
wife's ring in the sand,
363
00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,053
I don't go searching for it
and see that metal detector guy,
364
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,522
I don't get into metal detecting
and all the cool gear,
365
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,724
I don't start searching
the beach for the ring,
366
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,059
I don't find you,
367
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,595
which then leads us
to here!
368
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,698
None of this happens
if this didn't happen.
369
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,901
All right, this is,
this is...
370
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:20,273
too much to hope for, to make
this the perfect moment,
371
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:24,577
but by any chance would you
happen to be an actress?
372
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,247
Yeah, why?
373
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,482
Because now I know
that it was destiny
374
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:34,387
that all of this happened and
bring us here and that we meet.
375
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,289
(sighing)
376
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,092
(laughing)
What?
377
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:42,929
Will you be my new
fake wife in the show?
378
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,063
Yes!
Yes?
379
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,933
Oh, my God!
380
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,101
She said yes!
Yes!
381
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,438
(dubbed voice)
I was super-stoked
382
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,942
to get married to my new
fake wife on the beach.
383
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,945
In fake sickness
and in fake health.
384
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,613
Do you have the ring?
385
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,282
Oh, wow, yes.
386
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,451
(Gear-i)
With this ring, I thee shred.
387
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,086
Wow, good one,
Gear-i, funny.
388
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,958
I now pronounce you
husband and fake wife.
389
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,460
You may kiss
the fake bride.
390
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,195
(both laughing)
391
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,629
All right, guys,
we gotta cut for a second.
392
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,097
Jon, your wife's over there.
393
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,199
Oh, really?
Yeah.
394
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,504
(normal voice)
Oh, uh...
395
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:25,872
It's my real wife.
396
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,874
I gotta, you know...
Oh, yeah.
397
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,176
Love you.
Yeah.
398
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,345
Hey, what's up?
How you doing?
399
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:33,880
Hi, I'm so sorry for
interrupting your work.
400
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,316
I can't find-- I can't find
my wedding ring anywhere.
401
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,517
I've looked everywhere,
I can't find it.
402
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,018
What?
I don't know where it is.
403
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,119
No! Seriously?
404
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,322
Yeah, I, I'm freaking out.
405
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:43,790
I tried texting you,
I'm so sorry.
406
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,659
No, do not freak out, it's gotta
be around here somewhere.
407
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,860
I know, I know, right?
Yeah.
408
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,396
But what's going on
over there?
409
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,164
Oh, this is, uh,
we're shooting a fake wedding
410
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:55,168
'cause I had to marry a new
actress to be my fake wife
411
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,237
'cause the first actress
who played my fake wife,
412
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,572
we had to fire her because she
was being difficult, so...
413
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,374
Oh, but isn't that
her over there?
414
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:04,076
(Jon playing
"Wipeout" on guitar)
415
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,079
Yeah, yeah, she's still hanging
out with-- it's a long story.
416
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,681
Listen, just--
it's gonna turn up.
417
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,149
But I don't remember
taking it off.
418
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,384
I mean, I don't think--
419
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,686
Listen, if you look
in your purse, listen--
420
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:14,754
Oh, my God!
421
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:15,888
Look, there it is!
Oh, my God!
422
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,023
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
See?
423
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,726
Oh, my God,
I don't even remember--
424
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,594
this is what was
driving me so crazy.
425
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,029
I don't remember
taking it off.
426
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,864
I know!
This is crazy.
427
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,200
Oh, my God, see?
You're okay, you're okay.
428
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,271
I'm sorry, oh, my God.
You're okay, you're okay.
429
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,206
It's okay, you're good.
Oh, oh...
430
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,174
You found it.
Thank you, thank you.
431
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,210
I'm so... happy.
432
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,378
Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
433
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,879
Of course, listen,
you're stressed.
434
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,382
Why don't you stay here,
calm yourself down...
435
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,183
Yes.
You can watch
a take of the show.
436
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,752
Yeah.
After the wedding,
437
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:49,556
you can watch yourself go
for a walk on the beach with me.
438
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:52,759
Okay, okay.
Okay?
439
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:53,793
(Bleep)!
440
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,094
Hey, man!
441
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:57,530
Hey, dude, dude!
442
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,699
Hey, man!
443
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,234
Who the (bleep)
are you?
444
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,370
Who the (bleep)
are you?
445
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,604
That was so crazy,
446
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:07,574
that I ended up getting
this job, right, bro?
447
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,410
I mean,
when my agents called,
448
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:14,113
I was like, uh, I think
I already met that dude.
449
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,415
You remember,
when you were like,
450
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,083
"Who the (bleep)
are you?"
451
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,052
And I was like,
"Who the (bleep) are you?"
452
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,988
And we were on that beach
and it was, like, so windy,
453
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:25,091
and it was just like, you know,
it felt like a, like a blizzard,
454
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,226
but, you know,
it's sand, and you know,
455
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,596
well, mother naytch,
you know?
456
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,130
But...
457
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,165
Am I capturing
the spirit of it?
458
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:36,068
Yeah, just--
yes, thank you.
459
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,971
Great, okay.
460
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,440
(dubbed voice)
Not again.
461
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,509
I couldn't believe it.
462
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,144
I felt so pitted.
463
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:49,616
I felt like I had to
come clean to my real wife.
464
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,585
Got it, moving on,
thank you.
465
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,853
Yo, is everything cool?
466
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:57,123
'cause I'm like,
picking up a little...
467
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,825
a little hostile
vibe going on.
468
00:20:58,825 --> 00:20:59,926
All good, dude!
469
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:02,795
Next line, thanks!
470
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:04,964
All right, cool.
471
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,500
(normal voice)
I have a confession to make.
472
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,968
Uh...
473
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,471
I took your ring.
474
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:12,772
Why would you do that?
475
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,542
I just wanted to
have it be authentic.
476
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,377
I used it for
the fake wives,
477
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,846
they've been wearing your ring
so it would look real,
478
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,348
and I know you're mad...
Yeah.
479
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,517
But I feel if you and I just
took a nice walk on the beach,
480
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:28,555
me and my babe...
Yeah, okay, why don't you
just go ask her?
481
00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:32,825
(whispering)
I don't believe him... asshole.
482
00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:34,994
(dubbed voice)
I needed to hire
my fake wife back
483
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,963
since I still needed
an on-camera wife
484
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:38,998
and I couldn't work
with a new fake wife
485
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:42,335
since she cheated on me
with that asshole surfer.
486
00:21:42,335 --> 00:21:44,471
Isn't it going to be confusing
to the audience to, like,
487
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:47,173
see me in the shot
and hear my voice,
488
00:21:47,173 --> 00:21:48,808
which is supposed
to be you?
489
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:52,545
Dude, do the next line,
and let's move on.
490
00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:56,549
Rock on, all right,
uh, uh...
491
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:58,518
I lost my place.
492
00:21:58,518 --> 00:22:00,520
Oh, there we are,
I'm good.
493
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,054
I don't even give
a (bleep) what you say.
494
00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:04,357
Just say somethin'
that you'd say at the beach.
495
00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:09,328
Uh... hey, you single?
496
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:16,335
That usually works...
about half the time,
497
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,870
if half is like 25--
Try this.
498
00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:19,672
I'm gonna give you a line
that's not in your script.
499
00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:22,909
Hey, what's up?
I'm a total (bleep) dick.
500
00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:24,210
Can you give me that?
501
00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:25,612
Uh...
502
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:28,881
It's gonna be me saying it,
don't worry about it.
503
00:22:28,881 --> 00:22:32,184
Yeah, all right.
504
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,053
Hey, what's up?
505
00:22:34,053 --> 00:22:36,956
I'm a total
(bleep) dick.
506
00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:40,226
More like this,
"I'm a total (bleep) dick."
507
00:22:42,128 --> 00:22:43,563
All right.
508
00:22:46,065 --> 00:22:47,967
I'm total (bleep)--
509
00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:49,135
You forgot the
"Hey, what's up?"
510
00:22:49,135 --> 00:22:50,269
Hey, what's up?
511
00:22:50,269 --> 00:22:54,106
I'm a total (bleep) dick.
512
00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:55,442
Hey, what's up?
513
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:58,144
I'm a total
(bleep) dick.
514
00:22:58,144 --> 00:22:59,912
I feel like you're
talking to me.
515
00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:04,283
We got it, we got it,
thank you, great.
516
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:07,420
I'm sensing a little
weird vibe between us, man.
517
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:08,488
Here's the deal.
518
00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:10,623
The network wanted
you here, not me.
519
00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:12,091
'cause what I'm doing
right here, dude,
520
00:23:12,091 --> 00:23:14,093
sounds pretty
good to me, bro.
521
00:23:14,093 --> 00:23:15,394
I don't see
the big difference.
522
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,763
If anything, I'd say
what I'm doing,
523
00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,931
a little more
authentic than you.
524
00:23:18,931 --> 00:23:20,600
Yeah, well, that sounded
pretty (bleep) terrible.
525
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,768
Well, you know what?
526
00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:25,071
I don't give a (long bleep)
what you gotta say
527
00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:26,939
about what I did, bro.
528
00:23:26,939 --> 00:23:29,308
Oh, wow, so you're, like,
mocking me now, right?
529
00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:31,744
Not a mod, dude.
That's what I feel like
you're doing, you know...
530
00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:33,980
Pot calling
the kettle bro, bro!
531
00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:35,247
Yeah, dude!
Okay!
532
00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,350
You bring out
that kettle shit!
533
00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:41,988
I swear to God, man, I am just
going to come find you
534
00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:45,091
and go to Far Rockaway
if you ever come!
535
00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:46,826
I swear, man, do like you did...
Okay, dude.
536
00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:49,028
Hold on a second.
537
00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:51,030
Look, I'm sorry for
losing my cool,
538
00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,032
I'm sorry you got caught
in the middle of this argument
539
00:23:53,032 --> 00:23:55,702
I had with the network,
we're gonna use your voice,
540
00:23:55,702 --> 00:23:57,537
it's better than mine,
all right?
541
00:23:57,537 --> 00:23:59,872
We're gonna end the episode
with this beautiful shot
542
00:23:59,872 --> 00:24:01,474
of me and my
fake wife having
543
00:24:01,474 --> 00:24:03,476
a nice walk
on the beach at sunset,
544
00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:05,845
and you'll be doing
my voice.
545
00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:07,547
(Bryan)
Oh, yeah, cool.
546
00:24:07,547 --> 00:24:08,815
I was getting
weird, dude,
547
00:24:08,815 --> 00:24:10,483
I wasn't understanding
what was going on.
548
00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:12,652
No, yeah, no, dude,
it's all good, okay?
549
00:24:12,652 --> 00:24:14,220
We'll be walking
down the beach,
550
00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:16,188
I'll do this
hilarious arm candy joke,
551
00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:17,824
and then we're gonna
end the scene
552
00:24:17,824 --> 00:24:20,993
on a shot of me apologizing
to my wife for losing her ring,
553
00:24:20,993 --> 00:24:22,729
and I turn to her
and say...
554
00:24:22,729 --> 00:24:25,331
I'm a total
(bleep) dick.
555
00:24:25,331 --> 00:24:27,500
(gulls cawing)
556
00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:30,336
Right, but it's just
my voice, right?
557
00:24:30,336 --> 00:24:31,904
You're still on your face
at this point?
558
00:24:31,904 --> 00:24:34,073
Yeah, yeah, for sure,
we will never see you in this.
559
00:24:34,073 --> 00:24:36,208
It's only going to be
your voice on my face.
560
00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:38,410
Oh, okay, yeah,
cool, cool.
40622
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