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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,410 Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"... 2 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:12,413 [thumping in rhythm] 3 00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:15,349 [playing "Wipeout"] 4 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,030 Surfing! 5 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,100 Gear! 6 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:35,869 * 7 00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,218 Gear! 8 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,589 (Jon) Surfing is a sport I've never tried. 9 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:58,426 It looks really fun and it has a lot of cool gear, 10 00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,494 and there's no question that cool surfer dudes 11 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,730 appeal to the ladies. 12 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,965 So I headed out to Breakwater Surf Company 13 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:08,102 in Rockaway Beach to gear up for my first-ever surf lesson 14 00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:11,739 and impress the number one beach babe in my life. 15 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,073 Oh, yeah. 16 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,242 Sweet. 17 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,509 Hi, guys, I'm Gerald. 18 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,677 Welcome to Breakwater Surf. 19 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,011 I'm Jon. Nice to meet you, Jon. 20 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:19,847 Uh, this is my wife. Leslie. 21 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,315 Nice to meet you, Leslie. 22 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,983 (whispering) She's actually not my wife, just so you know. 23 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,518 She's an actress who's playing my wife, 24 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,254 but you could refer to her as my wife. 25 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,156 Okay, okay, I'll definitely do that. 26 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:32,593 So, yeah, my wife and I, we're pretty psyched to be here. 27 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:35,329 I've never surfed, I'm gonna take a lesson later today. 28 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:39,333 So this is my first time doing anything surfing related, 29 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,702 and I'm looking to gear up and I'm looking to you 30 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:48,108 to sort of be my... surf expert or my "surfspert". 31 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,877 Just call you Gerald? Yeah, yeah. 32 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,145 No problem, man, that's cool. 33 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:53,013 All right, hon, you get some 'kinis. 34 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:55,115 I'm so excited. 35 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,618 Yeah, all right, you go get some 'kinis and... 36 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,653 Yes. ...me and Gerald are gonna gear up. 37 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,792 Oh, yeah! 38 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,994 That's cool, man. This thing's sweet. 39 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,629 The only thing that happens is that a lot of the times 40 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,198 people start recognizing, 41 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:12,333 they notice you with that bright color. 42 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,534 They're looking at you, saying, 43 00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:16,370 "Geez, that guy looks like a bit of a kook." 44 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:19,006 "Kook" is a term for a guy who doesn't know how to surf, 45 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,642 is trying to look too cool, that kind of a thing. 46 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,643 That's me. 47 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,178 What's a good beginner board? 48 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,746 See that green board there? That one? 49 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,815 That Softech right there? That's not bad looking. 50 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,017 As long as it-- listen, as long as it looks cool. 51 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:33,987 I gotta look rad when I'm shredding mother naytch. 52 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,357 What's some lingo that I should be using out there 53 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,691 so I don't look like just, you know, 54 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,360 Joe Schmo from the streets? 55 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,362 Killer swell. Some killer swell. 56 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,265 Shreddin' the 'nar. Shreddin' the 'nar, like that? 57 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,499 Yeah... killer. 58 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,000 Pop the Tostito. 59 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,602 Yo, man, I'm gonna pop that crunch, right? 60 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,839 I mean-- Crunch that, crunch that shred. 61 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:52,873 What's up, babe? 62 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,608 How's the 'kini browse? 63 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,110 Hmm... You have some cool stuff? 64 00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,848 I was thinking, like, a one-piece would be good for TV. 65 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,583 Um... 66 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,952 Yeah, I mean, this could work, but this feels so dark, 67 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,086 I don't know if that's good for the camera. 68 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,688 They have a white one too. 69 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:13,026 Um, what about, like, something like this? 70 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,462 I mean, this is pretty nice. 71 00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,397 It's kind of small. Right? 72 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,299 That's hot. We should get-- 73 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,600 We'll get the right size. 74 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,868 Yeah? 75 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,536 Um, do you think, like, 76 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,137 when your wife is watching it back and everything 77 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,307 that this might be, like, a bit more... 78 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,409 When my wife is watching it back? 79 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,711 Um, you're my wife, remember? 80 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:34,582 I just think this would look so good on you. 81 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,417 I mean, listen, you know me, I'm a feminist, 82 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:39,553 I support women, I want women to be comfortable. 83 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,322 But I do feel like part of that is at the beach 84 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,557 it's just empowering yourself as a woman to say, 85 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,058 "This is my body." 86 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,295 There's nothing more that screams feminist 87 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,963 than "bikini," right? 88 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,967 (Jon) With my wife's 'kini all settled, 89 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,769 I headed to the beach to meet Mike and Mike 90 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,906 from Local Surf School for my first lesson. 91 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,007 Hey, guys. 92 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,842 What's up, boss? How's it going? 93 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,010 I'm Jon. 94 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,412 I'm Mike, nice to meet you. Mike. 95 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,746 And I'm Mike. Mike as well. 96 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,747 Yeah. 97 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:07,915 This is my wife, Leslie. 98 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:08,949 Hey, Leslie. Hi, Leslie. 99 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,183 All right, sweetie, thanks a lot. 100 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:12,753 See ya in a bit. 101 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,121 So, Jon, have you been to Rockaway before? 102 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,188 Never been out here before. 103 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,290 Never been here, so... 104 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,459 This is called Beach 69th street. 105 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,429 Hey, babe, you know where we're at-- this is beach 69. 106 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,430 (laughing) 107 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,464 (Mike) She's not impressed. 108 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,766 Not yet, not 'til tonight. 109 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,535 Yeah, I don't even know what that means. 110 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:30,704 Paddle, paddle, paddle, and pop up. 111 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,141 Oh, boy. It's going to be a long day. 112 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:37,945 Paddle, paddle, paddle, and pop up. 113 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,212 Way better. 114 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:43,317 Let's paddle, paddle, paddle, and pop up. 115 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,552 Hey, dude, nice job. Nice! 116 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:47,287 (Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar) 117 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,056 (Jon) It was time to hit the oash 118 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,626 and do a little shreddin' all over mother naytch. 119 00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,900 You like head, the hood? 120 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,202 You like these? You don't like 'em. 121 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,637 Your loss, dude. 122 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,838 (Jon) I was a little nervous 123 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,807 to get out on my board for the first time, 124 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,543 but it was totally worth it for all the cool shots! 125 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,144 (hard rock playing) 126 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,649 It was the moment of truth, my first-ever ride. 127 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:20,020 I thought I popped up pretty good, but then uh-oh! 128 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,255 Oh, boy! 129 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,358 Oh-oh... 130 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,826 Oh, well, no biggie. 131 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,861 It's like they say out on the oash, 132 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:31,565 "If at first you don't shred seed, harblar the gnar." 133 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,834 What? 134 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,736 After biting it hard a bunch of times, 135 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,671 it was finally time to show mother naytch 136 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,007 there was a new surf boss in town. 137 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:44,277 Some might think he's a kook, but all I see is Johnny Cool! 138 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,514 * 139 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:51,619 Yeah! 140 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,921 In your face, mother naytch! 141 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:05,399 (laughing) Oh, yeah, wipeout! 142 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,768 Yeah, shreddin' mother chur-- 143 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,637 that's another way of saying naytch, 144 00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:13,541 which is just another way of saying "nature". 145 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:17,044 Whoo! Yeah, babe, I did it! 146 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,046 Good job, Jon! 147 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,882 Shredded mother naytch! 148 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,551 Gear! 149 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,154 Whoo! 150 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,723 (Jon) After conquering the ocean, 151 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,727 it was now time to enjoy the on-shore side of surfing. 152 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,062 Dude... 153 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:38,899 So we hired some cool surf dudes to be my new beach buds. 154 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,501 Chillzer. 155 00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,802 P-Nut. 156 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,136 Skullzy. 157 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:44,905 Jeff. 158 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,273 You guys wanna hear "Wipeout"? 159 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,276 (playing "Wipeout") 160 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,744 Wipeout! 161 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,079 Pretty good, right? 162 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,081 I've gotta tell you, it's pretty, uh... 163 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:57,485 pretty sweet to be hanging with my new buds at the beach. 164 00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:59,520 (Jon) All right, let's freeze it for a second. 165 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,423 We had to pause the action there to explain something. 166 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:07,427 Um, TrueTV didn't think that my surfer voice 167 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,163 was authentic enough. 168 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,634 I respectfully disagree, I thought I kinda nailed it. 169 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,136 But in any case, we had to hire an actual surfer 170 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:21,274 to come in, here in post, and dub over all of my dialog. 171 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:24,444 So, uh, that's what we're here doing. 172 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,313 We're gonna shoot it. 173 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,882 Let's get him in the booth. 174 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:32,152 So hey, man, we are rolling and, uh, whenever you're ready. 175 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,187 All right, cool, cool. 176 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:38,726 Oh, um, my agent said that it didn't have to be 177 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:43,130 like, word-for-word, just like... 178 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,965 capture the spirit of it. 179 00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,203 Yeah, let's actually, uh, we're gonna get word-for-word. 180 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,305 Stick to the script please and then when we feel 181 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,241 like we got it, we'll have some fun with it, okay? 182 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,877 All right, sounds fair. Thank you. 183 00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:02,983 I'm super stoked to hang out with my new buds on the beach. 184 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,719 Nice, man, real sweet. 185 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,655 All right. 186 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,490 (Bleep) waste of time. 187 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,159 (Jon) Okay, let's get back to the scene 188 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:16,163 with the supposedly more authentic surfer voice in there. 189 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:19,933 (dubbed voice) Pretty sweet to be hangin' with my new buds at the beach. 190 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:23,403 Hey, did I tell you guys about my new restaurant idea? 191 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:27,107 Pretty cool, man, it's called Pasta Mañana. 192 00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,844 Get some pasta today, get a banana tomorrow. 193 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,880 And then every time people come back the next day 194 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,548 for the banana, I'll say, 195 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,249 "No, you gotta come back tomorrow 196 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:39,219 because it's Pasta Mañana." 197 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,421 And then I never have to buy a single banana 198 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,924 'cause every time people show up, I'm like, 199 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:47,127 "You gotta come back the next day." 200 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,897 Pasta Mañana. 201 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,399 (playing "Wipeout") 202 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,202 It's the ultimate wipeout. 203 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,770 Hey, what's up, babe? 204 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,706 Hey, guys, this is my wife. 205 00:08:58,706 --> 00:08:59,740 Hi. Hey, these are the guys, 206 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,041 my new beach buds. 207 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,876 Hey, hon, show off the suit! 208 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,546 Hey, all right! 209 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,248 I guess it's bikini weather, right, bros? 210 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,751 (laughing) 211 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,893 Hey, uh... 212 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,561 I'll be right back, guys. 213 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,897 I'm gonna go check something out. 214 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,098 (dubbed voice) When you see someone sad 215 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,734 and alone at the beach, 216 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,902 it's beach rules to include them. 217 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,672 No one should be lonely at the beach. 218 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,340 Hey, man. Hey. 219 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,908 How's it goin'? 220 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,576 Good, man. 221 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,478 Mind if I join you? 222 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,247 No, please. 223 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,619 (groaning) 224 00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:48,521 What's your name? 225 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,758 Charlie. 226 00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,460 I saw you checking out me and my buds back there. 227 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,696 Why don't you come join us, man? 228 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,932 Uh, I would, but... 229 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,601 Charlie don't surf. 230 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,172 That's all right, I don't surf either. 231 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:07,540 Anyway, Charlie, you seem cool, man. 232 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,277 I could tell you and I will be good buds and have a good time. 233 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,544 Why don't you come join us? 234 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,847 I'd love that, man, I'd love that, thank you. 235 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:14,982 Let's do it, man. 236 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,784 We got a cool crew, yeah, 237 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,019 it'll take you real fast, yeah, man. 238 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:22,155 Hey, guys, this is Charlie. 239 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:25,058 He says he don't surf. (laughing) 240 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,727 I said he could hang with us today. 241 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,795 Hey, man. 242 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,529 Hey, Charlie, this is the guys. 243 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,464 This is my wife, my wife, Leslie. 244 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,734 Hi. And this is Charlie. 245 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,169 Hey. 246 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:39,006 So what do you guys say? 247 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,808 Now that we got a new member of the gang, 248 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,843 should we get a little beach hang goin' on? 249 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,411 Yeah! (all cheering) 250 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:45,512 Well, all right! 251 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,982 (playing "Wipeout") 252 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,084 (all) Wipeout! 253 00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:57,224 (surfer music playing) 254 00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,861 (Jon) Hangin' out with my new beach buds was really fun. 255 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,196 I had a great time playing a little Frisbee. 256 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:10,704 Played a little hacky sack, got to show off my skills. 257 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:11,905 And cracked some cold brews 258 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,407 with my sweet, new sandal bottle opener. 259 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,409 Other than that, there was a lot of high-fiving 260 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,412 and general cool running along the beach. 261 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,848 Okay, back to the episode 262 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:24,684 with my voice unnecessarily dubbed by that surfer guy. 263 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,387 (dubbed voice) All right, guys, I love to hang, but I'm gonna split. 264 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,857 Gonna head back to my chill bungalow. 265 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,058 Just gotta find my lady 266 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,460 and end the day with a nice walk on the beach. 267 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,928 (guys) All right... 268 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,798 (dubbed voice) Have you guys seen her anywhere, man? 269 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,300 (Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar) 270 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:45,038 What the (bleep)? 271 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,740 (normal voice) Would you guys cut for a second? 272 00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,712 Hey, Eva, hey. 273 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,048 What's goin' on? 274 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,717 That is not cool, what is goin' on here. 275 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,753 Okay, hookin' up with one of my beach bros 276 00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,121 is not in the script, 277 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,090 just like hooking up with my former sidekick 278 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,925 wasn't in the script. 279 00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:07,995 (Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar) 280 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,332 ("Wipeout" continues) 281 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,803 She (bleep) my former sidekick. 282 00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:19,239 Jon, I'm not in character right now, I'm Eva right now. 283 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:25,745 And I, Eva, not your wife, like Charlie. 284 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,280 This is not cool, Eva! 285 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,116 You're still here. 286 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,618 Jon, this is real life, I'm not on-set right now. 287 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,286 I'm not filming right now. 288 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,522 Yeah, but you were basically gonna. 289 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,959 I mean, the whole world's a stage, Eva, including the beach. 290 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:41,494 Okay, you know what? 291 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,164 You cannot be my fake wife anymore. 292 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,434 We need to get a fake divorce and you are for real fired. 293 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,769 Sorry, sorry. 294 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,874 Fine! 295 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,176 This is so stupid anyway. 296 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,979 (slow motion) Wait a minute-- no...! 297 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,350 Oh, my God! 298 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,818 (normal voice) It's my wife's real ring! 299 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:09,156 You know what, I feel really bad for your real wife. 300 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,190 You know, me too! 301 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,893 You just threw her ring in the sand. 302 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,327 (dubbed voice) I couldn't believe my fake wife 303 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:18,665 threw my real wife's real ring in the real sand. 304 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,000 (Bleep)! 305 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,337 (gull cawing) (Bleep) you, gull. 306 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,373 (dubbed voice) If I didn't find that ring, 307 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,508 I was a shred man walking. 308 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,078 (normal voice) Anyone see where it landed? 309 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,246 Did you guys see where the ring landed? 310 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,848 (softly) Goddamn it. 311 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:37,017 (dubbed voice) And trying to find that ring in the sand 312 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:40,353 would be like trying to find a needle in the sand. 313 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,190 (Bleep), oh, I'm so (bleep). 314 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,225 I'm so (bleep). 315 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,861 (dubbed voice) Then something caught my eye. 316 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,763 The solution to my epic problem, 317 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,901 which turned my gear frown upside-down. 318 00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,736 (normal voice) Hey, dude, cool gear, man! 319 00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,039 Nice! 320 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,708 (chuckling) Oh, yeah. 321 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,443 Yeah, cool! 322 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,712 I like that thing! 323 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,948 What is that? 324 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,216 (dubbed voice) I was totally intrigued 325 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,551 by that detector bro's metal detector, 326 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:14,387 so I picked myself up some cool new gear. 327 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:17,690 No longer was I a carefree bohemian surfer. 328 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,694 I was now a carefree bohemian metal detecting dude. 329 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,931 (detector beeping) 330 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,740 Hopefully all this cool gear would help me find that ring. 331 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,543 (beeping faster) 332 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,974 (detector beeping) 333 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,079 (beeping faster) 334 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,421 (waves rolling, gulls cawing) 335 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,663 (dramatic music) 336 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,045 (dubbed voice) Are you okay? 337 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,650 I mean... 338 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:54,021 This metal detector you found, this is my metal detector 339 00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:57,324 'cause I was here the other day, beachcombing, 340 00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:00,627 and I just got into this really deep meditation 341 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:05,565 and I don't know how long I would've been under the sand 342 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:10,003 if you hadn't come by and saved my life. 343 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,671 (dubbed voice) That's crazy, right? 344 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,806 Yeah. (beeping faster) 345 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,709 Whoa! Hold up. 346 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,347 Life's paying you back, come on, life. 347 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,749 Please, please. 348 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,984 Oh, my God, please. (rattling) 349 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,019 You hear that? 350 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:29,689 Rocks, seashells, no-- yes! 351 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,824 Yes! 352 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,926 Whoo! (laughing) 353 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,395 Found it! 354 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:36,696 Yes! 355 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,531 Oh, my God! 356 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,200 Oh, my God! 357 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,536 That's the magic of life, man. 358 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,673 That's exactly right-- no, think about it. 359 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,276 If we don't do a surfing episode, 360 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,878 then my fake wife, she's not gonna meet that surfing dude, 361 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:54,047 and we don't get fake divorced, 362 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:57,016 she doesn't throw my real wife's ring in the sand, 363 00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,053 I don't go searching for it and see that metal detector guy, 364 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,522 I don't get into metal detecting and all the cool gear, 365 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,724 I don't start searching the beach for the ring, 366 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,059 I don't find you, 367 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,595 which then leads us to here! 368 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,698 None of this happens if this didn't happen. 369 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,901 All right, this is, this is... 370 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:20,273 too much to hope for, to make this the perfect moment, 371 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:24,577 but by any chance would you happen to be an actress? 372 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,247 Yeah, why? 373 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,482 Because now I know that it was destiny 374 00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:34,387 that all of this happened and bring us here and that we meet. 375 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,289 (sighing) 376 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,092 (laughing) What? 377 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:42,929 Will you be my new fake wife in the show? 378 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,063 Yes! Yes? 379 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,933 Oh, my God! 380 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,101 She said yes! Yes! 381 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,438 (dubbed voice) I was super-stoked 382 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,942 to get married to my new fake wife on the beach. 383 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,945 In fake sickness and in fake health. 384 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,613 Do you have the ring? 385 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,282 Oh, wow, yes. 386 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,451 (Gear-i) With this ring, I thee shred. 387 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,086 Wow, good one, Gear-i, funny. 388 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,958 I now pronounce you husband and fake wife. 389 00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,460 You may kiss the fake bride. 390 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,195 (both laughing) 391 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,629 All right, guys, we gotta cut for a second. 392 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,097 Jon, your wife's over there. 393 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,199 Oh, really? Yeah. 394 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,504 (normal voice) Oh, uh... 395 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:25,872 It's my real wife. 396 00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,874 I gotta, you know... Oh, yeah. 397 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,176 Love you. Yeah. 398 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,345 Hey, what's up? How you doing? 399 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:33,880 Hi, I'm so sorry for interrupting your work. 400 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,316 I can't find-- I can't find my wedding ring anywhere. 401 00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,517 I've looked everywhere, I can't find it. 402 00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,018 What? I don't know where it is. 403 00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,119 No! Seriously? 404 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,322 Yeah, I, I'm freaking out. 405 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:43,790 I tried texting you, I'm so sorry. 406 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,659 No, do not freak out, it's gotta be around here somewhere. 407 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,860 I know, I know, right? Yeah. 408 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,396 But what's going on over there? 409 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,164 Oh, this is, uh, we're shooting a fake wedding 410 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:55,168 'cause I had to marry a new actress to be my fake wife 411 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,237 'cause the first actress who played my fake wife, 412 00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,572 we had to fire her because she was being difficult, so... 413 00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,374 Oh, but isn't that her over there? 414 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:04,076 (Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar) 415 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,079 Yeah, yeah, she's still hanging out with-- it's a long story. 416 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,681 Listen, just-- it's gonna turn up. 417 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,149 But I don't remember taking it off. 418 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,384 I mean, I don't think-- 419 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,686 Listen, if you look in your purse, listen-- 420 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:14,754 Oh, my God! 421 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:15,888 Look, there it is! Oh, my God! 422 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,023 Oh, my God, oh, my God! See? 423 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,726 Oh, my God, I don't even remember-- 424 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,594 this is what was driving me so crazy. 425 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,029 I don't remember taking it off. 426 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,864 I know! This is crazy. 427 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,200 Oh, my God, see? You're okay, you're okay. 428 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,271 I'm sorry, oh, my God. You're okay, you're okay. 429 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,206 It's okay, you're good. Oh, oh... 430 00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,174 You found it. Thank you, thank you. 431 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,210 I'm so... happy. 432 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,378 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 433 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,879 Of course, listen, you're stressed. 434 00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,382 Why don't you stay here, calm yourself down... 435 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,183 Yes. You can watch a take of the show. 436 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,752 Yeah. After the wedding, 437 00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:49,556 you can watch yourself go for a walk on the beach with me. 438 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:52,759 Okay, okay. Okay? 439 00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:53,793 (Bleep)! 440 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,094 Hey, man! 441 00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:57,530 Hey, dude, dude! 442 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,699 Hey, man! 443 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,234 Who the (bleep) are you? 444 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,370 Who the (bleep) are you? 445 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,604 That was so crazy, 446 00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:07,574 that I ended up getting this job, right, bro? 447 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,410 I mean, when my agents called, 448 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:14,113 I was like, uh, I think I already met that dude. 449 00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,415 You remember, when you were like, 450 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,083 "Who the (bleep) are you?" 451 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,052 And I was like, "Who the (bleep) are you?" 452 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,988 And we were on that beach and it was, like, so windy, 453 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:25,091 and it was just like, you know, it felt like a, like a blizzard, 454 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,226 but, you know, it's sand, and you know, 455 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,596 well, mother naytch, you know? 456 00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,130 But... 457 00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,165 Am I capturing the spirit of it? 458 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:36,068 Yeah, just-- yes, thank you. 459 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,971 Great, okay. 460 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,440 (dubbed voice) Not again. 461 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,509 I couldn't believe it. 462 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,144 I felt so pitted. 463 00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:49,616 I felt like I had to come clean to my real wife. 464 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,585 Got it, moving on, thank you. 465 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,853 Yo, is everything cool? 466 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:57,123 'cause I'm like, picking up a little... 467 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,825 a little hostile vibe going on. 468 00:20:58,825 --> 00:20:59,926 All good, dude! 469 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:02,795 Next line, thanks! 470 00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:04,964 All right, cool. 471 00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,500 (normal voice) I have a confession to make. 472 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,968 Uh... 473 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,471 I took your ring. 474 00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:12,772 Why would you do that? 475 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,542 I just wanted to have it be authentic. 476 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,377 I used it for the fake wives, 477 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,846 they've been wearing your ring so it would look real, 478 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,348 and I know you're mad... Yeah. 479 00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,517 But I feel if you and I just took a nice walk on the beach, 480 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:28,555 me and my babe... Yeah, okay, why don't you just go ask her? 481 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:32,825 (whispering) I don't believe him... asshole. 482 00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:34,994 (dubbed voice) I needed to hire my fake wife back 483 00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,963 since I still needed an on-camera wife 484 00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:38,998 and I couldn't work with a new fake wife 485 00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:42,335 since she cheated on me with that asshole surfer. 486 00:21:42,335 --> 00:21:44,471 Isn't it going to be confusing to the audience to, like, 487 00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:47,173 see me in the shot and hear my voice, 488 00:21:47,173 --> 00:21:48,808 which is supposed to be you? 489 00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:52,545 Dude, do the next line, and let's move on. 490 00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:56,549 Rock on, all right, uh, uh... 491 00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:58,518 I lost my place. 492 00:21:58,518 --> 00:22:00,520 Oh, there we are, I'm good. 493 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,054 I don't even give a (bleep) what you say. 494 00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:04,357 Just say somethin' that you'd say at the beach. 495 00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:09,328 Uh... hey, you single? 496 00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:16,335 That usually works... about half the time, 497 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,870 if half is like 25-- Try this. 498 00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:19,672 I'm gonna give you a line that's not in your script. 499 00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:22,909 Hey, what's up? I'm a total (bleep) dick. 500 00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:24,210 Can you give me that? 501 00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:25,612 Uh... 502 00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:28,881 It's gonna be me saying it, don't worry about it. 503 00:22:28,881 --> 00:22:32,184 Yeah, all right. 504 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,053 Hey, what's up? 505 00:22:34,053 --> 00:22:36,956 I'm a total (bleep) dick. 506 00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:40,226 More like this, "I'm a total (bleep) dick." 507 00:22:42,128 --> 00:22:43,563 All right. 508 00:22:46,065 --> 00:22:47,967 I'm total (bleep)-- 509 00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:49,135 You forgot the "Hey, what's up?" 510 00:22:49,135 --> 00:22:50,269 Hey, what's up? 511 00:22:50,269 --> 00:22:54,106 I'm a total (bleep) dick. 512 00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:55,442 Hey, what's up? 513 00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:58,144 I'm a total (bleep) dick. 514 00:22:58,144 --> 00:22:59,912 I feel like you're talking to me. 515 00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:04,283 We got it, we got it, thank you, great. 516 00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:07,420 I'm sensing a little weird vibe between us, man. 517 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:08,488 Here's the deal. 518 00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:10,623 The network wanted you here, not me. 519 00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:12,091 'cause what I'm doing right here, dude, 520 00:23:12,091 --> 00:23:14,093 sounds pretty good to me, bro. 521 00:23:14,093 --> 00:23:15,394 I don't see the big difference. 522 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,763 If anything, I'd say what I'm doing, 523 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,931 a little more authentic than you. 524 00:23:18,931 --> 00:23:20,600 Yeah, well, that sounded pretty (bleep) terrible. 525 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,768 Well, you know what? 526 00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:25,071 I don't give a (long bleep) what you gotta say 527 00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:26,939 about what I did, bro. 528 00:23:26,939 --> 00:23:29,308 Oh, wow, so you're, like, mocking me now, right? 529 00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:31,744 Not a mod, dude. That's what I feel like you're doing, you know... 530 00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:33,980 Pot calling the kettle bro, bro! 531 00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:35,247 Yeah, dude! Okay! 532 00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,350 You bring out that kettle shit! 533 00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:41,988 I swear to God, man, I am just going to come find you 534 00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:45,091 and go to Far Rockaway if you ever come! 535 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:46,826 I swear, man, do like you did... Okay, dude. 536 00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:49,028 Hold on a second. 537 00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:51,030 Look, I'm sorry for losing my cool, 538 00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,032 I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of this argument 539 00:23:53,032 --> 00:23:55,702 I had with the network, we're gonna use your voice, 540 00:23:55,702 --> 00:23:57,537 it's better than mine, all right? 541 00:23:57,537 --> 00:23:59,872 We're gonna end the episode with this beautiful shot 542 00:23:59,872 --> 00:24:01,474 of me and my fake wife having 543 00:24:01,474 --> 00:24:03,476 a nice walk on the beach at sunset, 544 00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:05,845 and you'll be doing my voice. 545 00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:07,547 (Bryan) Oh, yeah, cool. 546 00:24:07,547 --> 00:24:08,815 I was getting weird, dude, 547 00:24:08,815 --> 00:24:10,483 I wasn't understanding what was going on. 548 00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:12,652 No, yeah, no, dude, it's all good, okay? 549 00:24:12,652 --> 00:24:14,220 We'll be walking down the beach, 550 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:16,188 I'll do this hilarious arm candy joke, 551 00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:17,824 and then we're gonna end the scene 552 00:24:17,824 --> 00:24:20,993 on a shot of me apologizing to my wife for losing her ring, 553 00:24:20,993 --> 00:24:22,729 and I turn to her and say... 554 00:24:22,729 --> 00:24:25,331 I'm a total (bleep) dick. 555 00:24:25,331 --> 00:24:27,500 (gulls cawing) 556 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:30,336 Right, but it's just my voice, right? 557 00:24:30,336 --> 00:24:31,904 You're still on your face at this point? 558 00:24:31,904 --> 00:24:34,073 Yeah, yeah, for sure, we will never see you in this. 559 00:24:34,073 --> 00:24:36,208 It's only going to be your voice on my face. 560 00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:38,410 Oh, okay, yeah, cool, cool. 40622

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