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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,404
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,772
-(pounding on door)
-What the hell!
3
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,109
-It's only 3:00 p.m.!
-STAN: Family announcement!
4
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,378
(pounding on door)
Family announcement!
5
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,580
Luckily, my stool-softening pill
hasn't kicked in --
6
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,014
(flatulates)
Ohhhhhhh!
7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,683
-(pounding on door)
-STAN: Family announcement.
8
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,052
Luckily, my orgasm pill
hasn't kicked in --
9
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,121
Aaah!
10
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,889
Welcome to
family announcement.
11
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,125
As you are all aware,
I've been on the wait list
12
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,595
for the Shaquille O'Neal Center
for Intense Sleep Apnea.
13
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,398
They only accept the loudest
three percent of snorers
14
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:33,434
in the nation,
and I am in!
15
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,868
Top three, baby!
16
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,970
(applause)
17
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,607
Well, they called,
and a spot opened up tonight.
18
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,974
Tonight?
19
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,776
But it's Third Friday
of the month --
20
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,312
our Friday fun night.
21
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,947
Oh, right. Damn.
22
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,716
Hon, just do the study.
23
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,551
-We'll go out next month.
-No, no, no.
24
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,553
It's very important
you get a night out.
25
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,588
-You work so hard.
-I do?
26
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:55,989
It's an expression.
27
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,658
Hayley, how about taking
your mother out tonight?
28
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,993
Can't. Tonight's the night
we slice all the olives
29
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,230
for the entire
year at Sub Hub.
30
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,132
-But I can lend you Jeff.
-Hmm.
31
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,566
I like that for Francine.
32
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,934
Have him washed, dressed,
33
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,437
and at the base
of the stairs by 7:00.
34
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:10,938
Family announcement adjourned.
35
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,174
I look forward to
organically crossing paths
36
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:15,943
with each of you
around the house.
37
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,112
Steve, did you get a chance
to look at the e-mail
38
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,581
I sent you with a link
to all my hilarious, accurate,
39
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,150
and irreverent impressions?
40
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,252
-Yeah, I guess.
-You guess?!
41
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,154
I sent it to you
like 15 times.
42
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,421
Which e-mail address?
43
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,823
SteveSmith69@gmail.
44
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,693
Oh, that one got hacked.
45
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,263
Uh, send it to
SteveSmith420.
46
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,597
What?!
47
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,267
You were able to get
420 and 69?
48
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:43,437
Man, every other Steve Smith
must be a loser!
49
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,939
(patriotic music plays)
50
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,609
Good morning, U.S.A.
51
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,480
I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day
52
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:55,683
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
53
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:59,987
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
54
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:05,159
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
55
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,461
- Good --
- Good morning, U.S.A.
56
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,796
Aah!
57
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:13,401
Good morning, U.S.A.
58
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,903
59
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,539
Jeff, I want to thank you
for Hayley making you do this.
60
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,540
You're welcome?
61
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,041
No. You're welcome.
62
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,076
Right.
63
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,878
Before Francine and I
were married,
64
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,580
she was
a pretty wild woman.
65
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,148
She's mellowed
over the years,
66
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,050
but she's still
wild at heart,
67
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,152
and there's always the risk
she can relapse.
68
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,521
-With me so far?
-No.
69
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:34,855
Hmm.
70
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:38,492
Better join me
in my metaphor corner.
71
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,827
Look at that bird
72
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,263
flapping, tweeting,
darting around.
73
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:43,664
It's happy because
it thinks
74
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,933
it's positively
going wild.
75
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,001
But what would happen
if I open a window
76
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,870
and really
let it go wild?
77
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,005
(gasps) It would
fly right into the sun!
78
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,741
Yes. Yes, it would.
79
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,843
Uh, I'm the bird.
80
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,378
-No.
-I'm the cage?
81
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,546
No. You're --
You're not really
82
00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,847
represented in
this metaphor.
83
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,015
Oh. Do you still
need me tomorrow?
84
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,551
It's tonight, Jeff.
85
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,220
Tonight, we let Francine
out of her cage,
86
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,289
and you're going to
be there to prevent her
87
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,190
from flying into the sun.
88
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,593
So I am the cage.
89
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,362
You're not in the metaphor!
90
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,365
Take what time you need,
then meet me back at my desk.
91
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,473
Ah. You made it.
Over the years,
92
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,541
I've calculated the precise
amount of stimulus
93
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,711
Francine needs to feel like
she's going wild
94
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,246
without
really going wild.
95
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,914
Like the bird.
96
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,149
That's right.
The 75 minutes you spent
97
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,818
in the corner
served you well.
98
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,920
Now, pay close attention
because you're about to get
99
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,590
a crash course
in Francine Control.
100
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,992
No cinnamon.
Its aroma is too primal.
101
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,160
Do not let her
put on flat shoes.
102
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,763
She ran track in high school,
and you'll never catch her.
103
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,432
Do not let her get wind
in her hair.
104
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,334
It conjures
strange passions.
105
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:56,470
None of those clown scarves
you can keep pulling on forever.
106
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,072
No Israeli couscous,
and I mean zero.
107
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,442
And finally,
if all else fails,
108
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:04,244
remind her another episode
of Tom Selleck's Blue Bloods
109
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,979
starts at 10:00 on CBS.
110
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,081
She falls for
the bait of sexy Magnum
111
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,317
and ends up
dozing off in bed
112
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,285
to a series
of family dinner scenes.
113
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,153
This is too much
to remember!
114
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,922
You've been talking
for hours!
115
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,825
Don't worry, I put
everything on the card.
116
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:22,763
You can count on me, Mr. S.
117
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,666
And one more thing,
it's probably best Francine
118
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,167
doesn't see the card.
119
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,802
But I can see it, right?
120
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,203
(sighs) Yes, Jeff.
121
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,373
That's the cornerstone
of our plan.
122
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,277
123
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,947
We'll start with
two tap waters.
124
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,482
And a white wine
spritzer.
125
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,017
Wine and bubbles...
126
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,886
that could be wild.
127
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,187
Excuse me!
128
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,889
How's the lighting
under the table?
129
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,224
The best
in all of Langley.
130
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,196
You can bring
the spritzer!
131
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,799
What are you doing
down there?
132
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,468
Playing cat's cradle.
133
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,903
I was looking up your
dress, Mrs. S.
134
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,738
Oh!
135
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,640
Ready to order?
Can I suggest you start
136
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,509
with our new
Tableside Guacamole?
137
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:12,245
(gasps)
Tableside, oh my!
138
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,816
I read in Sky Ways Magazine
that Kiefer Sutherland
139
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:20,754
has tableside guac every time
he's in San Antonio.
140
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,089
Guacamole...
141
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,891
guacamole...
142
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,497
Sorry, Your Honor,
but guacamole's forbidden.
143
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:30,664
Oh, let's have some.
144
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:31,865
Let's live
a little, Jeff.
145
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:32,866
(snaps)
146
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,034
(horn honks)
147
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,704
Tableside, tableside
148
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,840
So much hotter
when it's tableside
149
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,513
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
150
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,781
I-I don't know
if we have time for this.
151
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,250
Blue Bloods starts
at 10:00, you know?
152
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,621
Hmm.
I guess we'll pass.
153
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:57,090
I heard in tonight's episode,
the DEA comes down hard
154
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,359
on the family,
and Tom Selleck
155
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:02,195
has a booger
in his mustache
156
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:07,100
that no one tells him
about for the entire day.
157
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,603
158
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,572
Okay, Steve.
159
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,373
Got the house to yourself.
160
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:17,044
Time for some risky business.
161
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,414
Now all I need is some
royalty-free tunes.
162
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:24,284
Alexa, play Bob Sargar's
"New Town Rock N' Loll."
163
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:28,155
-(rock music plays)
-Aaah!
164
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:47,841
165
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,277
Klaus?
What happened?
166
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:51,812
Pretty nasty fall.
167
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,582
But don't worry,
I'll take care of you.
168
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,650
I don't get it,
our living room floor
169
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,586
has never been
that slippery.
170
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,153
Slippy Oil?
171
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,355
Oh, you just had
172
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:05,859
to look over
at the Slippy Oil, Steve.
173
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,194
(grunts)
174
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:10,831
Oh, you're not
going anywhere.
175
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,201
Oh, you should have read
my e-mails, Steve.
176
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,536
Y-You're saying "Oh"
177
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,270
in front of everything
you say, Klaus.
178
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,607
Oh, am I?
179
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:22,109
180
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,144
Mmm!
That was good.
181
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:29,216
So brown, so broiled,
with such a mild mustard.
182
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,352
I'm sorry, sir,
this isn't a credit card.
183
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:36,156
This is a note card
with impossibly tiny writing.
184
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,859
"Francine Date Night
Dos and Don'ts"?
185
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,562
"No pickles
over three inches"?
186
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,331
"Only allowed to
move pawns in chess"?
187
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:47,134
"No Cocoa Puffs
or any other cereals
188
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,570
that drive
their mascots insane"?
189
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,004
It's not what
it looks like!
190
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,807
Mr. S just wants
to keep you from going wild.
191
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,977
Wild women do
192
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,912
Ooooooh.
193
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,683
I haven't gone wild
in a long time.
194
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:06,419
And they don't regret it
195
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,721
Guess what, Jeff.
196
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,591
This Friday Fun Night
is about to go wild,
197
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,561
and Stan can't stop me,
and neither can you.
198
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,164
Flat shoes!
199
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,232
Wait for me, Mrs. S!
200
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,034
I can't let you go wild!
201
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:25,038
Five orders
of Tableside Guac!
202
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,774
Mrs. S!
203
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:29,342
Couldn't order six, huh?
It's all right.
204
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:32,245
I'll stay here and (bleep)
myself, why don't I?
205
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,752
I'm going wild!
206
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,721
Truck jump.
207
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,856
Whoa! Cool!
208
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,629
Oh, sick!
209
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,265
Aah!
210
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,968
No way!
211
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,069
-(thud)
-Aaah!
212
00:08:56,169 --> 00:09:00,107
Stop!
For God's sake, stop!
213
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,475
Oh!
What's gonna happen?
214
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,944
(screams)
215
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,313
Tasty!
216
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,082
Mrs. S, please
don't go wild.
217
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,751
What if I just go
"hi-yuh"?
218
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,119
-What?
-Hi-ya!
219
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,222
Aw, man.
Party's over.
220
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,459
Oh, yeah!
Back on.
221
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,096
222
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,565
You think it's okay
to ignore my e-mails?
223
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:29,770
Well, now you're gonna watch
all my impressions.
224
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:33,173
Here's Martha Stewart
encountering a demon...
225
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,775
"Mmm, mmm, mmm.
226
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:38,278
Time to cook the recipe
and put the thing in the oven."
227
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,747
Aaah!
228
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,115
-Oh, God!
-This the lady
229
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,284
who used to work at
the Chimdale Jack in the Box
230
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:47,855
visiting her former co-workers
for the first time.
231
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,923
"I'm baaaaack!"
232
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,025
Somebody kill me!
233
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,527
(upbeat country music plays)
234
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,429
Another round!
235
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,865
-Whoooo!
-Francine!
236
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:58,866
Yeah!
237
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,200
Whoa!
238
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,869
Yeah, bar fight!
239
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:02,870
Ugh!
240
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,604
Wait.
Is this a fight?
241
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,974
Nah, he was thrown off
our mechanical bull.
242
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,843
That's the most dangerous
bull in the country,
243
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,279
aside from bull shit.
244
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,683
Misinformation is the real
national crisis.
245
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,017
Y'all want
some popcorn?
246
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,687
(smooches)
Here, Mrs. S!
247
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:22,189
F.S.
248
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,391
Francine Smith!
249
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,794
Coyote Ugly!
Coyote Ugly!
250
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,028
Whoooooo!
251
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,366
Let me kick your beer!
252
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,135
Mrs. S,
what are you doing?
253
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,737
Gotcha!
254
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,972
BARTENDER:
And stay out!
255
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,508
Ooooooh.
Fun alley.
256
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:44,044
Let's get murdered
by Batman's parents.
257
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,679
Can we just
go home now?
258
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,581
Come on, Jeff.
You don't want to do that.
259
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:52,419
You know that deep down
inside, you're like me --
260
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,054
a wild woman!
261
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,323
I'm -- I'm a man.
262
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,658
And how wild is that?!
263
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:02,763
Now, close your eyes, Jeff,
and listen to your heart.
264
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:06,700
Wild women do
265
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,235
(gasps) I heard it!
266
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,703
Shh.
It's not done.
267
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,572
And they don't regret it
268
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,041
There's no downside!
269
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,575
That's right.
270
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,178
Now, let's show them we can go
as wild as we want!
271
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,612
Yeah!
272
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,581
Let's do a series of quick,
little things,
273
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,616
each more wild
than the last.
274
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:28,088
Wild women do,
and they don't regret it
275
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,724
276
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:37,097
Wild women show
what they're goin' through
277
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,966
Oooh, ooh
278
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:44,772
Wild women do what you think
they'll never
279
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,373
(Francine whistles)
280
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:52,079
What you only dream
about wild women do
281
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,547
Ohhhhh, yes
282
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,084
Listen to me, Jack,
I ain't holdin' back
283
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,618
(snoring loudly)
284
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,054
'Cause wild women do
285
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,389
And they don't regret it
286
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,826
Hey, I know
what might be fun.
287
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,896
Let's take something
from a person.
288
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:12,966
Let's show a human being
the true meaning of fear.
289
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,268
-Stick 'em up!
-This is a bank robbery!
290
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,303
(screams)
291
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,338
Delmonaco?
292
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,107
Francine!
293
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,809
And who's
this piece of ass?
294
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,244
This is Jeff,
my son-in-law.
295
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:28,348
Jeff, Delmonaco,
my dealer of drugs.
296
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,252
Mwah.
Enchanté.
297
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,521
This is too crazy.
298
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,023
I'm actually gonna
go hang out
299
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,690
one-on-one
with my dry cleaner.
300
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,092
You guys should come!
301
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,328
Just you
and your dry cleaner?
302
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,997
That sounds crazy!
We're doing it!
303
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,502
Now, you should know,
Mr. Rick is a dry cleaner,
304
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,973
so he hates
washing machines.
305
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,375
Mr. Rick, it's me,
Delmonaco.
306
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,477
MR. RICK: Bullshit!
You're a washing machine!
307
00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,981
Washing machines don't knock
on doors, Mr. Rick.
308
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,616
Sounds like what
a washing machine would say!
309
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,020
(whispering)
Come into my house
310
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,221
really fast,
really fast.
311
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,857
This guy's got
a great energy.
312
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,661
Welcome to paradise.
313
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,563
Let me outline
your night for you.
314
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,999
We sit around, we huff
dry-cleaning chemicals,
315
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,834
we have a scintillating
conversation.
316
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,035
I have only one rule --
317
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,803
I feel silly
even mentioning it --
318
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,673
nobody's allowed to turn
into a washing machine.
319
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:28,909
It happens.
And if it does,
320
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,211
I will take
care of business!
321
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,314
Second rule -- so the
conversation remains orderly,
322
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,850
you speak when I have
the knife to your throat.
323
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,518
You have the floor,
m'lady.
324
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,855
Mr. Rick,
I need to use the restroom.
325
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,024
So does Jeff.
326
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,594
It's the first door past
the old Hollywood Video sign.
327
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,930
This guy is giving
me bad vibes.
328
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,532
-In what way?
-He's insane!
329
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:56,203
The toilet's right here,
and the toilet-scrubbing brush
330
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,571
is all the way
over there!
331
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,340
We proved
we could get wild,
332
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,342
but I think we should
go home now.
333
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,945
This is my first time
getting wild.
334
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,947
I'm not going
back to my cage.
335
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,949
I'm flying
straight to the sun.
336
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417
MR. RICK:
How are you guys doing?!
337
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,085
If you spilled on yourselves,
don't worry,
338
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,054
I have two bedrooms
full of women's clothes.
339
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,623
I am particularly proud
of my sundress collection!
340
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:19,526
But not so proud I couldn't
see myself giving you one
341
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,394
if I thought
it looked good on you.
342
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,030
Jeff, I think we should
get out of here.
343
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,131
(light switch clicks)
344
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,033
(both scream)
345
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,235
Bathroom time
is over.
346
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:31,738
It's game time!
347
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:32,872
-(gun cocks)
-Wha --
348
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,407
What game
are we playing?
349
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,944
It's Hot Potato
with a loaded gun.
350
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,812
My dear friend Tom Sizemore
taught me this game.
351
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,481
(Muzak plays)
352
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,284
But first,
Tetrachloroethylene?
353
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,885
Tetrachloroethylene?
354
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:46,954
No?
355
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,056
(sniffing)
356
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:52,325
Ooooh!
Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, whoa!
357
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,227
358
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,795
Whoa! It's hot!
(laughs)
359
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,797
-Aah!
-Aah!
360
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,632
(laughs)
361
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,402
They're afraid of
a little gun, Delmonaco!
362
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:03,971
Psych! Psych! Pysch!
363
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,308
You guys hear that?
364
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,609
Someone's at the door.
365
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,344
Could be a washing machine.
366
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,747
(both scream)
367
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,751
My dry cleaner
is dead!
368
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:22,089
I am so sorry,
Deltaco.
369
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,997
Why must God
take the perfect ones?!
370
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:33,166
Now I have to tell his
13-year-old girlfriend!
371
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,868
We're going to call the cops
right now and explain.
372
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,438
But our fingerprints
are all over that gun.
373
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,440
My God!
What are we gonna do?!
374
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:44,011
I'll call my fixer.
He'll get us out of this.
375
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,545
Listen carefully
to my instructions,
376
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,014
we'll cover up this murder
377
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,815
and all go back
to our beautiful evenings.
378
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,783
I need you to make some
hot jasmine tea.
379
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,119
Very weak.
380
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,786
I have a very strong
intolerance to jasmine.
381
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,855
It's like poison to me --
total organ failure.
382
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,790
But the flavor --
get out of town!
383
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:00,360
It's like I'm drinking
a warm summer night.
384
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,462
Are you gonna
get him the tea?
385
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,064
Sounds like he shouldn't
have it.
386
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,066
Okay, first,
this body needs
387
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,201
to disappear
without a trace.
388
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,837
Oh, it's so bloody!
389
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,672
God, it's all over.
390
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,141
Ugh!
391
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,645
Okay,
this is a problem.
392
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,381
I saw an episode of CSI
where the cops found blood,
393
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,083
and they used it
to solve the crime.
394
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,318
This blood has to disappear
without a trace.
395
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,487
I'll Google how.
Phone.
396
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,090
I do swipe text.
Watch how fast.
397
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,924
Kind of tricky with this blood
all over my hands,
398
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,360
but -- oh, here we go.
399
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,195
WOMAN: 911.
What's your emergency?
400
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,329
(all gasp)
401
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,365
Murder.
402
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:39,366
(all gasp)
403
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,901
There was a murder.
404
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,037
But don't you worry,
it's being handled by me
405
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,538
and the other killers.
406
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,176
A patrol car's been
dispatched to your location.
407
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,610
Well, not everything
worked out
408
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:51,944
the way
we thought it would.
409
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,780
But I declare
this situation...
410
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:58,085
...fixed!
411
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,020
I got to find
a new dry cleaner.
412
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,291
Fixer, murder!
Fixer, murder!
413
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,226
Fixer, murder!
Fixer, murder!
414
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,394
Fixer, murder!
415
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,431
Okay, this is
John Cusack
416
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,900
being yelled at
by an Uber driver.
417
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,568
"Get out, John Cusack!
418
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:19,106
You can't tell me I can't
smoke in my own car!"
419
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,709
I don't understand.
Why didn't you do John Cusack?
420
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,412
I can't do Cusack.
He's impossible!
421
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,280
Caliendo can't even
do Cusack!
422
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,282
This is my impression
of a domestic dispute
423
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,651
I overheard
at the mall last winter.
424
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,953
"It's a bigger issue
than the fries, Jeanine.
425
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,556
You don't respect me!"
426
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,159
(chuckles)
427
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,130
Oh, my God.
I get it now.
428
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,132
-It's good.
-Yes.
429
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,599
You're a genius.
430
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,168
All it took was being
held captive
431
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,069
for six hours
to realize it.
432
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,439
Yeah, I'm a bit
of an acquired taste.
433
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,175
(laughs)
434
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,512
Okay, I know I'm good,
but you're giving me
435
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,948
a Horatio Sanz-level
reception here.
436
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,284
Give me more.
More!
437
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,019
You know, I totally forgot
today's the day
438
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,989
I was supposed to help
Jurgen hunt Slender Man.
439
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,492
And I've already pushed
the hunt like five times,
440
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,194
so I'll just release you
from your bonds,
441
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,296
and we can both go
our separate ways.
442
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:22,001
I may be free to go,
but I'm a slave to laughter.
443
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,837
Now do Al Pacino forgetting
the combination
444
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,206
to his gym locker!
445
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,208
Somebody help me!
446
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,510
That's exactly
what'd he say!
447
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,778
(laughs)
448
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,280
(siren wails in distance)
449
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,148
Dang it.
The cops are here,
450
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,116
and the Uber's still
three minutes out.
451
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,719
I'd cancel it, but that's
my rating on the line.
452
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,621
(sobs)
We're going to jail
453
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:42,889
for murder.
454
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,657
Stan was right.
455
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:45,858
We're too wild
456
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,360
to be trusted
with ourselves.
457
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,795
Hold on, Mrs. S.
458
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,398
Maybe alone we can't
take care of ourselves,
459
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:52,732
but there's two of us.
460
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,667
We got to be able
to help each other.
461
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,369
How?
462
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,406
Wild women do
463
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:02,041
By going wild.
464
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,212
Dresses.
465
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,046
(siren wails, tires squeal)
466
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,883
Am I crazy,
467
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,521
or are all those paint samples
the same red?
468
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:18,258
Wild women do,
and they don't regret it
469
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,993
Hey, boys.
470
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,563
Whooo-hoooooo!
471
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,165
Dispatch,
I'd like to report
472
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,836
three beautiful ladies
in sundresses.
473
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,004
All we got here
is a 3-1-3.
474
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,607
DISPATCHER: Women going wild
and doing what they do?
475
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,009
Yeah,
I said 3-1-3.
476
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,411
Why do we even
have these codes
477
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,846
if you insist
on explaining them?
478
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,080
Well, I'll tell you why.
479
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,015
Because I'm training someone.
480
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,251
Oh, gosh.
I'm sorry.
481
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:46,853
Wait a minute.
482
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,188
Put the trainee on.
483
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,191
(groans)
484
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,294
All right,
there's no trainee.
485
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,962
You never
miss a beat.
486
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,064
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-
da-da-da-da!
487
00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,432
Pah!
488
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,570
I declare this whole
night -- no crimes!
489
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:07,039
Now we need to figure out
what to do with Mr. Rick.
490
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,909
What if he
died again...
491
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,778
for the first time?
492
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,746
(engine revs, tires squeal)
493
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:18,751
(country music plays)
494
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:22,255
This previously alive woman
was just killed!
495
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,656
Another one?
496
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,392
Throw her
in the pile in back.
497
00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,727
Okay, who ordered
mozzarella sticks?
498
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,729
I have not been
writing things down.
499
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,632
I hate when they don't
write things down.
500
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,737
-I had a lot of fun tonight.
-So did I.
501
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,840
I was thinking, since
we got away with this,
502
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,443
we could make
a thing of it.
503
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,112
Go wild together
once a month?
504
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,514
Pbht! Pass.
505
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,681
Pbht! Pbht!
506
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,851
Just kidding.
We're best friends now.
507
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:55,422
Wild women whoooo!
508
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,823
Woman
509
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,328
American Dad! time is over.
510
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130
Bye-bye.
See you soon.
511
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITAC --
35186
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