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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,404 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,772 -(pounding on door) -What the hell! 3 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,109 -It's only 3:00 p.m.! -STAN: Family announcement! 4 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,378 (pounding on door) Family announcement! 5 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,580 Luckily, my stool-softening pill hasn't kicked in -- 6 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,014 (flatulates) Ohhhhhhh! 7 00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,683 -(pounding on door) -STAN: Family announcement. 8 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,052 Luckily, my orgasm pill hasn't kicked in -- 9 00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,121 Aaah! 10 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,889 Welcome to family announcement. 11 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,125 As you are all aware, I've been on the wait list 12 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,595 for the Shaquille O'Neal Center for Intense Sleep Apnea. 13 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,398 They only accept the loudest three percent of snorers 14 00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:33,434 in the nation, and I am in! 15 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,868 Top three, baby! 16 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,970 (applause) 17 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,607 Well, they called, and a spot opened up tonight. 18 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,974 Tonight? 19 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,776 But it's Third Friday of the month -- 20 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,312 our Friday fun night. 21 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,947 Oh, right. Damn. 22 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,716 Hon, just do the study. 23 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,551 -We'll go out next month. -No, no, no. 24 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,553 It's very important you get a night out. 25 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,588 -You work so hard. -I do? 26 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:55,989 It's an expression. 27 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,658 Hayley, how about taking your mother out tonight? 28 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,993 Can't. Tonight's the night we slice all the olives 29 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,230 for the entire year at Sub Hub. 30 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,132 -But I can lend you Jeff. -Hmm. 31 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,566 I like that for Francine. 32 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,934 Have him washed, dressed, 33 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,437 and at the base of the stairs by 7:00. 34 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:10,938 Family announcement adjourned. 35 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,174 I look forward to organically crossing paths 36 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:15,943 with each of you around the house. 37 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,112 Steve, did you get a chance to look at the e-mail 38 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,581 I sent you with a link to all my hilarious, accurate, 39 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,150 and irreverent impressions? 40 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,252 -Yeah, I guess. -You guess?! 41 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,154 I sent it to you like 15 times. 42 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,421 Which e-mail address? 43 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,823 SteveSmith69@gmail. 44 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,693 Oh, that one got hacked. 45 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,263 Uh, send it to SteveSmith420. 46 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,597 What?! 47 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,267 You were able to get 420 and 69? 48 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:43,437 Man, every other Steve Smith must be a loser! 49 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,939 (patriotic music plays) 50 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,609 Good morning, U.S.A. 51 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,480 I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day 52 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:55,683 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 53 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:59,987 And he's shinin' a salute to the American race 54 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:05,159 Oh, boy, it's swell to say 55 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,461 - Good -- - Good morning, U.S.A. 56 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,796 Aah! 57 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:13,401 Good morning, U.S.A. 58 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,903 59 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,539 Jeff, I want to thank you for Hayley making you do this. 60 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,540 You're welcome? 61 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,041 No. You're welcome. 62 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,076 Right. 63 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,878 Before Francine and I were married, 64 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,580 she was a pretty wild woman. 65 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,148 She's mellowed over the years, 66 00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,050 but she's still wild at heart, 67 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,152 and there's always the risk she can relapse. 68 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,521 -With me so far? -No. 69 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:34,855 Hmm. 70 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:38,492 Better join me in my metaphor corner. 71 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,827 Look at that bird 72 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,263 flapping, tweeting, darting around. 73 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:43,664 It's happy because it thinks 74 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,933 it's positively going wild. 75 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,001 But what would happen if I open a window 76 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,870 and really let it go wild? 77 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,005 (gasps) It would fly right into the sun! 78 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,741 Yes. Yes, it would. 79 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,843 Uh, I'm the bird. 80 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,378 -No. -I'm the cage? 81 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,546 No. You're -- You're not really 82 00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,847 represented in this metaphor. 83 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,015 Oh. Do you still need me tomorrow? 84 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,551 It's tonight, Jeff. 85 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,220 Tonight, we let Francine out of her cage, 86 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,289 and you're going to be there to prevent her 87 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,190 from flying into the sun. 88 00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,593 So I am the cage. 89 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,362 You're not in the metaphor! 90 00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,365 Take what time you need, then meet me back at my desk. 91 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,473 Ah. You made it. Over the years, 92 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,541 I've calculated the precise amount of stimulus 93 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,711 Francine needs to feel like she's going wild 94 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,246 without really going wild. 95 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,914 Like the bird. 96 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,149 That's right. The 75 minutes you spent 97 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,818 in the corner served you well. 98 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,920 Now, pay close attention because you're about to get 99 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,590 a crash course in Francine Control. 100 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,992 No cinnamon. Its aroma is too primal. 101 00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,160 Do not let her put on flat shoes. 102 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,763 She ran track in high school, and you'll never catch her. 103 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,432 Do not let her get wind in her hair. 104 00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,334 It conjures strange passions. 105 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:56,470 None of those clown scarves you can keep pulling on forever. 106 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,072 No Israeli couscous, and I mean zero. 107 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,442 And finally, if all else fails, 108 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:04,244 remind her another episode of Tom Selleck's Blue Bloods 109 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,979 starts at 10:00 on CBS. 110 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,081 She falls for the bait of sexy Magnum 111 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,317 and ends up dozing off in bed 112 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,285 to a series of family dinner scenes. 113 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,153 This is too much to remember! 114 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,922 You've been talking for hours! 115 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,825 Don't worry, I put everything on the card. 116 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:22,763 You can count on me, Mr. S. 117 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,666 And one more thing, it's probably best Francine 118 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,167 doesn't see the card. 119 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,802 But I can see it, right? 120 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,203 (sighs) Yes, Jeff. 121 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,373 That's the cornerstone of our plan. 122 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,277 123 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,947 We'll start with two tap waters. 124 00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,482 And a white wine spritzer. 125 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,017 Wine and bubbles... 126 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,886 that could be wild. 127 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,187 Excuse me! 128 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,889 How's the lighting under the table? 129 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,224 The best in all of Langley. 130 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,196 You can bring the spritzer! 131 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,799 What are you doing down there? 132 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,468 Playing cat's cradle. 133 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,903 I was looking up your dress, Mrs. S. 134 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,738 Oh! 135 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,640 Ready to order? Can I suggest you start 136 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,509 with our new Tableside Guacamole? 137 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:12,245 (gasps) Tableside, oh my! 138 00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,816 I read in Sky Ways Magazine that Kiefer Sutherland 139 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:20,754 has tableside guac every time he's in San Antonio. 140 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,089 Guacamole... 141 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,891 guacamole... 142 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,497 Sorry, Your Honor, but guacamole's forbidden. 143 00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:30,664 Oh, let's have some. 144 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:31,865 Let's live a little, Jeff. 145 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:32,866 (snaps) 146 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,034 (horn honks) 147 00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,704 Tableside, tableside 148 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,840 So much hotter when it's tableside 149 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,513 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. 150 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,781 I-I don't know if we have time for this. 151 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,250 Blue Bloods starts at 10:00, you know? 152 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,621 Hmm. I guess we'll pass. 153 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:57,090 I heard in tonight's episode, the DEA comes down hard 154 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,359 on the family, and Tom Selleck 155 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:02,195 has a booger in his mustache 156 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:07,100 that no one tells him about for the entire day. 157 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,603 158 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,572 Okay, Steve. 159 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,373 Got the house to yourself. 160 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:17,044 Time for some risky business. 161 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,414 Now all I need is some royalty-free tunes. 162 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:24,284 Alexa, play Bob Sargar's "New Town Rock N' Loll." 163 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:28,155 -(rock music plays) -Aaah! 164 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:47,841 165 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,277 Klaus? What happened? 166 00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:51,812 Pretty nasty fall. 167 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,582 But don't worry, I'll take care of you. 168 00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,650 I don't get it, our living room floor 169 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,586 has never been that slippery. 170 00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,153 Slippy Oil? 171 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,355 Oh, you just had 172 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:05,859 to look over at the Slippy Oil, Steve. 173 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,194 (grunts) 174 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:10,831 Oh, you're not going anywhere. 175 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,201 Oh, you should have read my e-mails, Steve. 176 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,536 Y-You're saying "Oh" 177 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,270 in front of everything you say, Klaus. 178 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,607 Oh, am I? 179 00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:22,109 180 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,144 Mmm! That was good. 181 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:29,216 So brown, so broiled, with such a mild mustard. 182 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,352 I'm sorry, sir, this isn't a credit card. 183 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:36,156 This is a note card with impossibly tiny writing. 184 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,859 "Francine Date Night Dos and Don'ts"? 185 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,562 "No pickles over three inches"? 186 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,331 "Only allowed to move pawns in chess"? 187 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:47,134 "No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals 188 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,570 that drive their mascots insane"? 189 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,004 It's not what it looks like! 190 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,807 Mr. S just wants to keep you from going wild. 191 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,977 Wild women do 192 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,912 Ooooooh. 193 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,683 I haven't gone wild in a long time. 194 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:06,419 And they don't regret it 195 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,721 Guess what, Jeff. 196 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,591 This Friday Fun Night is about to go wild, 197 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,561 and Stan can't stop me, and neither can you. 198 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,164 Flat shoes! 199 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,232 Wait for me, Mrs. S! 200 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,034 I can't let you go wild! 201 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:25,038 Five orders of Tableside Guac! 202 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,774 Mrs. S! 203 00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:29,342 Couldn't order six, huh? It's all right. 204 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:32,245 I'll stay here and (bleep) myself, why don't I? 205 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,752 I'm going wild! 206 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,721 Truck jump. 207 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,856 Whoa! Cool! 208 00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,629 Oh, sick! 209 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,265 Aah! 210 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,968 No way! 211 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,069 -(thud) -Aaah! 212 00:08:56,169 --> 00:09:00,107 Stop! For God's sake, stop! 213 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,475 Oh! What's gonna happen? 214 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,944 (screams) 215 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,313 Tasty! 216 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,082 Mrs. S, please don't go wild. 217 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,751 What if I just go "hi-yuh"? 218 00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,119 -What? -Hi-ya! 219 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,222 Aw, man. Party's over. 220 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,459 Oh, yeah! Back on. 221 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,096 222 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,565 You think it's okay to ignore my e-mails? 223 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:29,770 Well, now you're gonna watch all my impressions. 224 00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:33,173 Here's Martha Stewart encountering a demon... 225 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,775 "Mmm, mmm, mmm. 226 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:38,278 Time to cook the recipe and put the thing in the oven." 227 00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,747 Aaah! 228 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,115 -Oh, God! -This the lady 229 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,284 who used to work at the Chimdale Jack in the Box 230 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:47,855 visiting her former co-workers for the first time. 231 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,923 "I'm baaaaack!" 232 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,025 Somebody kill me! 233 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,527 (upbeat country music plays) 234 00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,429 Another round! 235 00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,865 -Whoooo! -Francine! 236 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:58,866 Yeah! 237 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,200 Whoa! 238 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,869 Yeah, bar fight! 239 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:02,870 Ugh! 240 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,604 Wait. Is this a fight? 241 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,974 Nah, he was thrown off our mechanical bull. 242 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,843 That's the most dangerous bull in the country, 243 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,279 aside from bull shit. 244 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,683 Misinformation is the real national crisis. 245 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,017 Y'all want some popcorn? 246 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,687 (smooches) Here, Mrs. S! 247 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:22,189 F.S. 248 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,391 Francine Smith! 249 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,794 Coyote Ugly! Coyote Ugly! 250 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,028 Whoooooo! 251 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,366 Let me kick your beer! 252 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,135 Mrs. S, what are you doing? 253 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,737 Gotcha! 254 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,972 BARTENDER: And stay out! 255 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,508 Ooooooh. Fun alley. 256 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:44,044 Let's get murdered by Batman's parents. 257 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,679 Can we just go home now? 258 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,581 Come on, Jeff. You don't want to do that. 259 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:52,419 You know that deep down inside, you're like me -- 260 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,054 a wild woman! 261 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,323 I'm -- I'm a man. 262 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,658 And how wild is that?! 263 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:02,763 Now, close your eyes, Jeff, and listen to your heart. 264 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:06,700 Wild women do 265 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,235 (gasps) I heard it! 266 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,703 Shh. It's not done. 267 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,572 And they don't regret it 268 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,041 There's no downside! 269 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,575 That's right. 270 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,178 Now, let's show them we can go as wild as we want! 271 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,612 Yeah! 272 00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,581 Let's do a series of quick, little things, 273 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,616 each more wild than the last. 274 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:28,088 Wild women do, and they don't regret it 275 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,724 276 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:37,097 Wild women show what they're goin' through 277 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,966 Oooh, ooh 278 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:44,772 Wild women do what you think they'll never 279 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,373 (Francine whistles) 280 00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:52,079 What you only dream about wild women do 281 00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,547 Ohhhhh, yes 282 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,084 Listen to me, Jack, I ain't holdin' back 283 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,618 (snoring loudly) 284 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,054 'Cause wild women do 285 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,389 And they don't regret it 286 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,826 Hey, I know what might be fun. 287 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,896 Let's take something from a person. 288 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:12,966 Let's show a human being the true meaning of fear. 289 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,268 -Stick 'em up! -This is a bank robbery! 290 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,303 (screams) 291 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,338 Delmonaco? 292 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,107 Francine! 293 00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,809 And who's this piece of ass? 294 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,244 This is Jeff, my son-in-law. 295 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:28,348 Jeff, Delmonaco, my dealer of drugs. 296 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,252 Mwah. Enchanté. 297 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,521 This is too crazy. 298 00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,023 I'm actually gonna go hang out 299 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,690 one-on-one with my dry cleaner. 300 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,092 You guys should come! 301 00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,328 Just you and your dry cleaner? 302 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,997 That sounds crazy! We're doing it! 303 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,502 Now, you should know, Mr. Rick is a dry cleaner, 304 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,973 so he hates washing machines. 305 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,375 Mr. Rick, it's me, Delmonaco. 306 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,477 MR. RICK: Bullshit! You're a washing machine! 307 00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,981 Washing machines don't knock on doors, Mr. Rick. 308 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,616 Sounds like what a washing machine would say! 309 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,020 (whispering) Come into my house 310 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,221 really fast, really fast. 311 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,857 This guy's got a great energy. 312 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,661 Welcome to paradise. 313 00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,563 Let me outline your night for you. 314 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,999 We sit around, we huff dry-cleaning chemicals, 315 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,834 we have a scintillating conversation. 316 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,035 I have only one rule -- 317 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,803 I feel silly even mentioning it -- 318 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,673 nobody's allowed to turn into a washing machine. 319 00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:28,909 It happens. And if it does, 320 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,211 I will take care of business! 321 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,314 Second rule -- so the conversation remains orderly, 322 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,850 you speak when I have the knife to your throat. 323 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,518 You have the floor, m'lady. 324 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,855 Mr. Rick, I need to use the restroom. 325 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,024 So does Jeff. 326 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,594 It's the first door past the old Hollywood Video sign. 327 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,930 This guy is giving me bad vibes. 328 00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,532 -In what way? -He's insane! 329 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:56,203 The toilet's right here, and the toilet-scrubbing brush 330 00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,571 is all the way over there! 331 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,340 We proved we could get wild, 332 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,342 but I think we should go home now. 333 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,945 This is my first time getting wild. 334 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,947 I'm not going back to my cage. 335 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,949 I'm flying straight to the sun. 336 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417 MR. RICK: How are you guys doing?! 337 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,085 If you spilled on yourselves, don't worry, 338 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,054 I have two bedrooms full of women's clothes. 339 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,623 I am particularly proud of my sundress collection! 340 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:19,526 But not so proud I couldn't see myself giving you one 341 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,394 if I thought it looked good on you. 342 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,030 Jeff, I think we should get out of here. 343 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,131 (light switch clicks) 344 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,033 (both scream) 345 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,235 Bathroom time is over. 346 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:31,738 It's game time! 347 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:32,872 -(gun cocks) -Wha -- 348 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,407 What game are we playing? 349 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,944 It's Hot Potato with a loaded gun. 350 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,812 My dear friend Tom Sizemore taught me this game. 351 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,481 (Muzak plays) 352 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,284 But first, Tetrachloroethylene? 353 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,885 Tetrachloroethylene? 354 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:46,954 No? 355 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,056 (sniffing) 356 00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:52,325 Ooooh! Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, whoa! 357 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,227 358 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,795 Whoa! It's hot! (laughs) 359 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,797 -Aah! -Aah! 360 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,632 (laughs) 361 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,402 They're afraid of a little gun, Delmonaco! 362 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:03,971 Psych! Psych! Pysch! 363 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,308 You guys hear that? 364 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,609 Someone's at the door. 365 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,344 Could be a washing machine. 366 00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,747 (both scream) 367 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,751 My dry cleaner is dead! 368 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:22,089 I am so sorry, Deltaco. 369 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,997 Why must God take the perfect ones?! 370 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:33,166 Now I have to tell his 13-year-old girlfriend! 371 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,868 We're going to call the cops right now and explain. 372 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,438 But our fingerprints are all over that gun. 373 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,440 My God! What are we gonna do?! 374 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:44,011 I'll call my fixer. He'll get us out of this. 375 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,545 Listen carefully to my instructions, 376 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,014 we'll cover up this murder 377 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,815 and all go back to our beautiful evenings. 378 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,783 I need you to make some hot jasmine tea. 379 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,119 Very weak. 380 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,786 I have a very strong intolerance to jasmine. 381 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,855 It's like poison to me -- total organ failure. 382 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,790 But the flavor -- get out of town! 383 00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:00,360 It's like I'm drinking a warm summer night. 384 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,462 Are you gonna get him the tea? 385 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,064 Sounds like he shouldn't have it. 386 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,066 Okay, first, this body needs 387 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,201 to disappear without a trace. 388 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,837 Oh, it's so bloody! 389 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,672 God, it's all over. 390 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,141 Ugh! 391 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,645 Okay, this is a problem. 392 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,381 I saw an episode of CSI where the cops found blood, 393 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,083 and they used it to solve the crime. 394 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,318 This blood has to disappear without a trace. 395 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,487 I'll Google how. Phone. 396 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,090 I do swipe text. Watch how fast. 397 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,924 Kind of tricky with this blood all over my hands, 398 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,360 but -- oh, here we go. 399 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,195 WOMAN: 911. What's your emergency? 400 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,329 (all gasp) 401 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,365 Murder. 402 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:39,366 (all gasp) 403 00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,901 There was a murder. 404 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,037 But don't you worry, it's being handled by me 405 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,538 and the other killers. 406 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,176 A patrol car's been dispatched to your location. 407 00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,610 Well, not everything worked out 408 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:51,944 the way we thought it would. 409 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,780 But I declare this situation... 410 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:58,085 ...fixed! 411 00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,020 I got to find a new dry cleaner. 412 00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,291 Fixer, murder! Fixer, murder! 413 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,226 Fixer, murder! Fixer, murder! 414 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,394 Fixer, murder! 415 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,431 Okay, this is John Cusack 416 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,900 being yelled at by an Uber driver. 417 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,568 "Get out, John Cusack! 418 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:19,106 You can't tell me I can't smoke in my own car!" 419 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,709 I don't understand. Why didn't you do John Cusack? 420 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,412 I can't do Cusack. He's impossible! 421 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,280 Caliendo can't even do Cusack! 422 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,282 This is my impression of a domestic dispute 423 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,651 I overheard at the mall last winter. 424 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,953 "It's a bigger issue than the fries, Jeanine. 425 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,556 You don't respect me!" 426 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,159 (chuckles) 427 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,130 Oh, my God. I get it now. 428 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,132 -It's good. -Yes. 429 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,599 You're a genius. 430 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,168 All it took was being held captive 431 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,069 for six hours to realize it. 432 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,439 Yeah, I'm a bit of an acquired taste. 433 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,175 (laughs) 434 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,512 Okay, I know I'm good, but you're giving me 435 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,948 a Horatio Sanz-level reception here. 436 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,284 Give me more. More! 437 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,019 You know, I totally forgot today's the day 438 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,989 I was supposed to help Jurgen hunt Slender Man. 439 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,492 And I've already pushed the hunt like five times, 440 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,194 so I'll just release you from your bonds, 441 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,296 and we can both go our separate ways. 442 00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:22,001 I may be free to go, but I'm a slave to laughter. 443 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,837 Now do Al Pacino forgetting the combination 444 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,206 to his gym locker! 445 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,208 Somebody help me! 446 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,510 That's exactly what'd he say! 447 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,778 (laughs) 448 00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,280 (siren wails in distance) 449 00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,148 Dang it. The cops are here, 450 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,116 and the Uber's still three minutes out. 451 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,719 I'd cancel it, but that's my rating on the line. 452 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,621 (sobs) We're going to jail 453 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:42,889 for murder. 454 00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,657 Stan was right. 455 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:45,858 We're too wild 456 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,360 to be trusted with ourselves. 457 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,795 Hold on, Mrs. S. 458 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,398 Maybe alone we can't take care of ourselves, 459 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:52,732 but there's two of us. 460 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,667 We got to be able to help each other. 461 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,369 How? 462 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,406 Wild women do 463 00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:02,041 By going wild. 464 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,212 Dresses. 465 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,046 (siren wails, tires squeal) 466 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,883 Am I crazy, 467 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,521 or are all those paint samples the same red? 468 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:18,258 Wild women do, and they don't regret it 469 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,993 Hey, boys. 470 00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,563 Whooo-hoooooo! 471 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,165 Dispatch, I'd like to report 472 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,836 three beautiful ladies in sundresses. 473 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,004 All we got here is a 3-1-3. 474 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,607 DISPATCHER: Women going wild and doing what they do? 475 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,009 Yeah, I said 3-1-3. 476 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,411 Why do we even have these codes 477 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,846 if you insist on explaining them? 478 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,080 Well, I'll tell you why. 479 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,015 Because I'm training someone. 480 00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,251 Oh, gosh. I'm sorry. 481 00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:46,853 Wait a minute. 482 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,188 Put the trainee on. 483 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,191 (groans) 484 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,294 All right, there's no trainee. 485 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,962 You never miss a beat. 486 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,064 Da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da! 487 00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,432 Pah! 488 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,570 I declare this whole night -- no crimes! 489 00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:07,039 Now we need to figure out what to do with Mr. Rick. 490 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,909 What if he died again... 491 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,778 for the first time? 492 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,746 (engine revs, tires squeal) 493 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:18,751 (country music plays) 494 00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:22,255 This previously alive woman was just killed! 495 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,656 Another one? 496 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,392 Throw her in the pile in back. 497 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,727 Okay, who ordered mozzarella sticks? 498 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,729 I have not been writing things down. 499 00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,632 I hate when they don't write things down. 500 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,737 -I had a lot of fun tonight. -So did I. 501 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,840 I was thinking, since we got away with this, 502 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,443 we could make a thing of it. 503 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,112 Go wild together once a month? 504 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,514 Pbht! Pass. 505 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,681 Pbht! Pbht! 506 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,851 Just kidding. We're best friends now. 507 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:55,422 Wild women whoooo! 508 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,823 Woman 509 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,328 American Dad! time is over. 510 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130 Bye-bye. See you soon. 511 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,000 -- Captions by VITAC -- 35186

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