All language subtitles for A.P BIO s02e10_English

[dramatic music]

[shatters, all gasp]

- Well, my brainy
little babies,

I have officially been
thrown off the Harvard teat.

- I thought you were fired
a long time ago.

- Oh, I was, Marcus, yeah.

I was kicked off
the salary and housing teat,

but I was able
to remain firmly latched

on to their phone-plan teat.

- Guys, if he says "teat"
one more time,

we might be able
to get him fired.

- Let's try and stay focused
on my phone, Sarika.

Uh, now,
before you suggest

that I just go
to a phone store

and sign up
for my own plan--

- How is that
not the solution?

- Well, Anthony,
because I have--Anyone?

Atrocious credit.
Yeah, yeah.

No carrier will trust me,
so I am off the grid

until I come up
with a solution.

[dramatic note]

- Are you saying
you have no phone?

Like, for good?

- That's what I'm saying.
- Are you gonna die?

- I mean,
there's an outside chance

you could get
on my family's plan.

Yeah, I mean,
my parents would have

to get to know you
a little better,

but we could schedule
a series of dinners.

- You know what?
I would dislike that, Marcus.

I would dislike that
very much. Yeah.

But...

the notion of piggybacking
on somebody else's phone plan

is very intriguing.

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[calming ethereal music
playing]

♪

- What up, Helen DeGeneres?

- How's my little
puppy bird?

- You know.
Uh, is Principal Durbin ready

for me to interview him
for the school paper?

- Uh, ready?
He is so excited.

We're gonna have
to wait a second, though,

because he's in there
delivering a bummer bomb.

[door opens]

- Gary, no one
has signed up

for Coin Club
in three years.

I had to cut something.

- One of these days,
you're gonna find

a beautiful Sacagawea,
and you're gonna be like,

"Where's Gary?
I want to talk about it."

And I'm gonna be--
poof--ghost.

- Oh, God. I--

I hate, hate giving
people bad news.

Their faces--
they look like

teddy bears
in a Dumpster.

- You're the principal.

Let it rip.
You can tell them

whatever you want.

- I know, but I--

Ugh. I just feel sick.

- I feel sick, too.

Though it could be
because I ate

a shellacked caramel

off a old Christmas ornament
last night

I can be honest
with you guys.

- [clears throat]

[calming ethereal music
playing]

- Gonna try
to work it out.

Drop it
down the pike.

♪

- So...

how are things
with Seth?

- Good.

- Mm.

- Ugh. Ugh.

Mm-hmm.
[all groaning]

- Mary, you want some?

- No.

- So he took
you out again last night?

- Sort of.

- Uh, sort of?
[laughs]

Uh, we got subs and ate them
at the Laundromat.

So, yeah,
I took her out.

- Oh, you're not a fan
of restaurants?

- Whoa, someone's
a frickin' millionaire.

- What?
- I'm a substitute teacher.

So we each grabbed three
on a six-inch.

- We did.
- Mm-hmm.

- And you call this
a date?

- Um, let's just say
that the changing table

in the bathroom
didn't break itself.

[laughs]

- We did...
with sex.

[both laughing]

Ow!
[bleep].

- Ooh. Said I was gonna
get you.

Ha ha!

Catch ya later,
masturbator.

- So has he met
the parents?

- Ah, he needs to go.

It's just that he's
subbing here,

and I can't just ghost him
like I usually do.

- Yeah.

- Now, which one of you is
gonna help me get rid of him?

- Oh, not us.
We are done.

Every time we help you
get rid of a guy,

you wind up
getting back together.

- Mm-mm.
You backslide.

It's an exhausting cycle
to watch and judge.

- Oh, come on--

- Hey, hey, ladies,
we're all basically, like,

friends and family
at this point, right?

I am finding it impossible
to secure a cell phone plan

under my name.

- Ah, and you want to
piggyback on one of our plans.

- Ha.
- Jack, I have

way too many cousins for you
to doggy-style on my plan.

- Okay, well, it's piggyback,
but, yeah.

- Uh, you know, Jack,
my family plan is da bomb,

and I'll let you get in
on it.

- Yes!
- But you have to do

something for me in return.

You have to help me kick my
current boyfriend to the curb.

- Okay, well, that actually
sounds kind of fun.

- But that's not the hard part.

The hard part is helping me
stay broken up with him,

'cause "Today Mary"
is gonna want to break up

with that little scuzz,

but "Tomorrow Mary"
is gonna go scuzz-blind.

- You know, this all sounds
very doable. I am in.

- Okay. Very nice
doing business with you.

- Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful doing business
with you.

[laughter]

Yes! Nice. What?

- You have no idea the job
you just signed on for.

There is nothing
more powerful than the bond

between a Mary
and her scuzz.

Backslide, Jack.
- Backslide.

.

[thunder booming]

- Don't move!
- Jeez!

God, okay...
[knocking]

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Um, Mr. Griffin, what are you
doing in my math class?

- Whoa. It's like seeing
a tiger in the wild.

- [chuckles]
Uh, Seth.

Hi, I'm uh, Jack Griffin.
I teach A.P. Bio.

So you're subbing here?

- Yep, yep.
Anywhere that needs me.

- Ah.
- Kids really dig me.

I always play the first
48 minutes of a movie.

I've seen the first half
of a lot

of really good flicks.
[both laugh]

- Love it, I love it,
I love it.

And no shoes. Very cool.
- Ah.

- So I have something
very sensitive in nature

to talk to you about.

Um, gang, if you could just
go ahead and move your bodies

to the back of the class,
and, you know, face the wall,

"Blair Witch" style.

Heather, you want to...?

- All right,
move it or lose it, D-bags.

[dramatic music]

- [sighs]

♪

- Uh, is that in, like--
is that in the second half

of "Blair Witch"?

- Hey, so, um,
I'm a friend of Mary's

and, well, she's asked me
to tell you it's been

a tepid ride, but, uh,
it's over, okay?

All right.

- Wait, are you--
are you serious?

C-can we talk about that?
- With me? No. No, no, no.

I-I'm not really up
to speed on most of it.

I just, uh--you know,
just the messenger here.

I just know it's over,
you know?

So, uh, my work is
sort of done here.

- I just--I'm gonna go talk
to her, because once she--

- No, no, no.
[chuckles awkwardly]

I'm handling this.

- [sniffles]
- Oh.

- [whimpering]

- Oh, God.

- [crying]

- When a man cries,
nothing feels safe.

- [continues crying]

- He did not take it well.

- Are you breaking
it off with Seth?

- Hey! Stop snooping.

Go ahead, Jack.
I'll cover.

La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la...

- All right. Uh, yeah, he
just--he wouldn't accept it.

All right? He was crying,
and he wants to talk.

- Damn it, Jack.
Ugh. Cover me.

- Oh.
♪ La, la, la, la, la...

- You were supposed
to handle this, you know,

like family,
not just phone it in.

- Yeah, we can definitely still
hear you back here.

- Oh, my God.
Just plug each other's ears.

♪

- Look, don't worry about it.
I got you, okay?

I'll come over later,
and I'll help you break it off.

- Um, no, no, no.
We got to do it at your place.

Otherwise I'm gonna end up
hooking up with him.

- Uh, well, no, we can--what?
You can't break up at my place.

- Well, do you want to be
on my phone plan or not?

- Yes. Okay, fine.
Fine, all right?

But we got to do it fast,

'cause Lynette's
coming over later.

- Ooooh.

- Marcus, how is it
that you're still hearing this?

- My fingers are too small
for his ear canals.

- They're huge.

- Don't brag about that.

[upbeat synth tune playing]

- ♪ Sex is horrible

♪ And no one really likes it

So that's what I play whenever
I, uh, catch a kid

with a condom.

- Mm, my readers
will love this.

- Oh, and this what I play
whenever I catch a student

with drugs.
[clears throat]

♪ Meth gives you joy
only gods can experience ♪

♪ But don't do it

- Ralph, time to break
some spirits.

Coach is here.
- Already?

Oh, boy.
You can stay Anthony

♪

[clears throat]

[sighs]
Coach, I, uh...

I have some bad news I wish
I could protect you from.

- You don't got to sugarcoat it
for me, Ralph.

I'm not one
of your book teachers.

- All right, uh, well, um...

I don't know how, uh--

It seems that
there's a, uh--

Uh, well, I'm--doesn't--
It actually is...

I'm sorry, uh...

We're gonna let

the marching band
and the football team

share practice time
on the football field.

- What? No way. It's not--
it's not called a band field.

- Uh, that's a good point.

You know what? I'm gonna, uh,
talk to the band director.

Maybe we could, uh, find a--

- Oh, my God. Move over.

The band's gonna
use the field sometimes.

This is happening to you.

Deal with it.

- Ralph, does
the confident child speak

on your behest for you?

- Our talk is done.
Shoo.

- Shoo? You're gonna shoo me?
Shoo you.

Kids talk to me like that?
Jesus Christ.

- That was amazing!

Anthony!
[gasps]

I have to deliver
bad news all day.

Is there any chance
you'd want to sit in

on some of these sessions?

Okay, I can sweeten the deal.

I got an Amazon gift card
for Christmas,

but there's not
a slot on my computer for it,

so...

- Sure.

[country music playing]

♪

- [sighs]
[doorbell rings]

Okay.

All right.
Listen--

- Mare-bear.

Tell me that he's a liar.

Because I know that
you love me.

You even said that you love
how my back smells.

- No, I just said,
"Your back smells."

- [groans]

- Seth, I'm looking
for something else.

- But, Mary, just think of all
the fun that we could have.

I just got us tickets
to see Michael McDonald

in concert next month.

- I mean--I mean, if you
already got the tickets, then--

- Mary, he doesn't have
the tickets.

- I'm gonna get the tickets.
- He's gonna get the tickets.

Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get--

- He's never--no, he's
never gonna get the tickets.

- I said I was gonna get--
- He will not get the tickets!

- I need to get paid,
then I can buy the tickets.

- Mary, end this.
You're a strong woman.

I've seen you kick
a coffee table across a lobby.

[dramatic music]

- Seth, have a happy life.

- No.
I'm not going anywhere...

until you take me back.

- Wait. What?
Wait. Are those--

Uh, that's not good.

- Whatever. Bye.
- Where you going?

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

You're not--no. Oh.

♪

Oh.

♪

[car door opens, closes]

- Did she--
[engine turning over]

She left, right?

Is that her car now?
- [sighs]

.

- Come on.
- Closer.

Warmer.
Warmer.

- Oh, stop tricking me
into touching

other parts of your body.

Just tell me where the keys
to the cuffs are.

- I don't know.

- All right, man.
You asked for this.

[chair whirring]

[dramatic music]

You gonna tell me?
- This is fine.

It's kind of like
a back massage.

Oops. That step's trying
to steal my jeans.

[chuckles]
Oh, it got 'em.

There they go.

Yeah, that's what
I'm working with.

- Oh, come on--
[doorbell rings]

[sighs, groans]

Hi.
- Hello.

[both chuckle]

Oof. Okay.

Three openers--
Uh, you look great, all right?

You smell like lemons, and..

Mary's ex-boyfriend
is handcuffed

to my dead mom's
stair lift.

- Hey, Lynette.
- Oh.

- Jack took off my pants
with this antique elevator.

- No, that's--that's a lie.
- Hey, Seth.

- Hey, do you happen to have
my paycheck on you?

I think it should be
around $38.

- You know, I don't,

and I think you broke even
after taxes.

- [scoffs]
Thanks, Obama.

- Wine?

- Love some.
- Yeah.

- What are we thinking, though,
red or white?

- [groans]

- I don't really know anything
about birds.

My hobby is stuffing things--
you know, taxidermy.

And I guess I'd just rather
stuff birds because--

- So are you guys
like a thing?

Because you seem like you're
into each other,

but you also seem
like you're cousins.

Like, I guess what I'm asking

is what stuff are
you guys doing?

- Mostly outercourse.
- None of your business.

- "Outercourse"?
[laughs]

Okay, well... [chuckles]
I'll leave you guys to it.

[chair whirring]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

- A man should have a hobby.

[jaunty video game
music plays]

- [chuckles]

Oh, man, these birds
are just so furious.

So mad.
- One second.

- I like it
with the sound on.

- Do you?
This is mine now.

[sighs] I mean, no phone plan
is worth this.

- Hey, you know how you
get rid of me, right?

You get me back
with my love...

my soul mate.

♪

- Hey, look, nobody wants
to see you backslide

any less than me, but...

You should know
Seth is obsessed with you.

He won't stop talking
about you.

- Did he say obsessed, or--

- Uh-uh.
Okay, I know that look.

Michelle, let's go.
- Yeah.

- I told you, Jack--
backslide.

♪

See you.

- Yeah.
- Oop.

- I'll find it.
Yeah.

- Look, I'm-- [scoffs]
I'm telling you,

this guy wants you back
so badly,

he went on a hunger strike.

- Oh, he must be
out of his mind for me.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a mess.
[exhales sharply]

- [sighs]
You know, I'm just gonna

stay focused, and
I'm not gonna think about him.

- You are gonna be fine.
- Yeah.

- [laughs]
All right.

- Okay.
- You got this.

[cell phone clicking]

♪

[cell phone bloops]
[laughs]

[cell phone chimes]

♪

- Stay strong.
Stay strong.

- [sighs]

Time to hit some peeps
with bad news.

- [chuckles]

[percussive music]

Joyce, we moved your parking
spot to the auxiliary lot.

It's a done deal.

- You see, that's not
gonna work for me.

I'm already getting up
at 2:00 a.m. to take my nephew

to the ER 'cause of his croup.
I says to my sister--

- Joyce. Joyce.

Joyce!

Not my business.

Mute and scoot.

♪

All of your cleaning supplies
are being switched

to generic and unscented.

- "Unscented"?
[laughs]

You know what humans
do in bathrooms, right?

You're with me on this,
right, Durbin?

- Durbin's not here.

Breathe out your mouth.
[exhales sharply]

♪

[crunches]

Principal Durbin
isn't concerning himself

with the casting
of the school play.

You can either play
"Tree in Distance" or quit.

- Great! I'll play the tree.
I don't mind at all.

- Oh.

♪

- [exhales sharply]

♪

[school bell ringing]
- Right, new plan--

So I'm texting Mary
from her ex-boyfriend's phone.

I'm gonna trick her
into getting back

with that idiot so I can get
him out of my house.

Uh, do you guys
have any suggestions?

- I don't get it.
Aren't you Mary's friend?

- Of course. Yeah.

- Yeah, and didn't she offer
to put you on her family plan

if you help her
get rid of this guy?

- Yeah.

- And now you're trying
to set her up

with the very same man

who you yourself called
an idiot not moments ago?

- You guys--you all
think I'm a bad guy?

Is that what this is?

Heather, where do you
stand on this?

- I can't tell
if you're doing a mission

for Ms. Wagner
or against her.

I'm Team Griffin either way.

Let's get her...
or help her.

- I guess you have
to ask yourself

if you really care
about your friend.

- See, this is why
I avoid friendships.

- Yeah, that's why.

- [sighs]

Now I'm gonna have to
figure out another way

to get rid of this
human pork rind.

Guess I'm gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Scuzz-blind.

- Wait, what?

- [sighs]

.

[both laughing]

- I'm sorry, Mary, did you
have the key the whole time?

- No. Seth was hiding it

in a place I call
his "secret pouch."

- And that's not my butt.

- [groans]
No. What is happening? Why?

- We're back, baby.
[laughs]

All right, I'm gonna
pop upstairs,

I'm gonna put my jeans
back on,

and then we're gonna scoot.
[laughs]

- Oh, God.
- I know.

- Mary, you--you--you can't get
back together with that guy.

- Jack, don't worry.
You're off the hook.

We'll go get you
a brand-new phone tomorrow

and sign you up
on my plan.

- No, but it--it--
it just don't feel right.

- Okay, Jackie boy.

It's been a fun 24 hours,

but it's time for me
to get going.

- Yeah, that's
my mother's luggage.

- Oh.

Well, it's broken.
Tell her that.

All right, babe.

I'm gonna go outside
and warm up the car...

with my farts.

[laughing]

- Eh, diet starts tomorrow,

but tonight I'm gonna
go eat this cake.

- Wait, wait.
Hold on one second.

I just--
- What the fudge?

- Uh-huh, yep. Nope.

- [grunts]
- No, no, no. Nope, nope.

You're not going with him.
Let's go.

- Jack, I am a grown-ass woman,

and sometimes I want to make
bad decisions, so let me.

- No. I'm not letting you leave
until you've horned down a bit

and promise me you are done
with that dude.

- Fine, then no phone plan
for you.

- Fine.

But I have something to say,

and this is not gonna be one of
those things where I tell you

that you are deserving
of someone far better than

that human tapeworm out there
because you are a catch...

and not just a Toledo catch,

but, like, a regular,
good-city catch.

Instead, I'm gonna sit here
with you

until you come
to that conclusion on your own.

And there is absolutely no way
I'm letting you go before then

because I do not have the keys
to these handcuffs.

I'm just now realizing that.

[ominous music]

[knock at door, door opens]

- Hello?

Oh, uh, where's
Principal Durbin?

- Take a seat.

- Okeydokey.
[chuckles]

Didn't expect, uh...
you to be here.

[clears throat]
So, uh...

what is this meeting about?

♪

- As you can see,
you gave me a B-minus

on my erosion diorama.

I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let you keep me

out of Georgetown,
so you're gonna give me an A,

or we're gonna have
to let you go.

♪

- [gasps]

Oh, thank God.
Anthony's trying to fire me.

- What are you doing?

- I think something
bit Anthony.

Can you hear me?

- Quiet, Noodle Curls!

- You got a little too much
dip on your chip, buster.

Get up, take your
disrespectful butt

straight to my office!

Keep it moving!

- I'm sorry. I was trying
to help Principal Durbin.

- Dave, your classes
are being transferred

to the trailer.

- What?

Oh, come on.

- We're done talking. Shoo.

[exhales sharply]
- [groans]

Well, thank you so much
for ruining my day.

I already sat in cornbread.

[sighs]
Come on.

[dramatic music]

- [laughing]

- Well, good work,
Jack-In-The-Sweats.

- Yeah, nice job.

- Hey, I would do the same
for either of you.

- Aw.

- Please don't break up
my marriage.

Please.
- I'm not--

- Now, Stef, she could use
a little help.

- I don't have a problem.

I just like dating
older Indian doctors.

- They're always
secretly married.

- Not happily.

- And leaders
of a sex cult.

- Not happily.

[school bell ringing]

- Oh, I should head
to class.

- Yep, I should probably
head with you.

Okeydokey.

- We can hit shop class
at lunch.

- Okay.
- You know?

- Yeah, let's do that.
- Whoa.

- I got to say, though,

I, uh--I'm gonna miss this.
- Aw.