All language subtitles for Abbys.S01E09.Rosies.Band.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

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- "Abby's" is filmed in front
of a live outdoor audience.

- Guys! You are never gonna
believe this.

- Okay, but before we dive in,
are we really

never gonna believe
this or did you, like,

meet the guy who invented
cell phone antennas?

- Martin Cooper?
Psh. I wish.

You know he does live
in the Del Mar area,

and I have loitered outside
his house a couple of times.

Once I saw the top of his head,
which, if you think about it,

is the antenna of his body.

- See, this is exactly
what we were afraid of.

- All right, look, I know I've
had some duds in the past,

but I'm telling you
this story is the one.

I just need your faith
for a few minutes.

Take my hand and join me
on this journey.

I promise you
you will not regret it.

- Guys, guys!

There's a police chase
happening down the street.

- Gah! My journey.

- They were chasing this guy
up Fern Street

and then he got out of his car
and started running.

- I can't believe that.
- That's what I--

- I opened with that.
C'mon.

You've got to give me co-credit
for this story.

It counts, right, just chalk
a half one up for Bill.

- Bill, you're being
so thirsty.

Did I use it right?
- You did.

So did they get him?
- Hey, ba-ba-ba-ba.

Let me do this part.

Damn it, I don't know.

- No, they didn't get him.
He disappeared into the canyon.

- What can--that canyon?

The canyon I can see clearly if
I stand up on my tippy toes?

Now I'm terrified.
Thanks a lot, Rosie.

- And Bill.

- Yeah! That's my story.

- Forgot to buy
dishwashing detergent.

We're almost out
of clean glasses.

- Don't worry about it.
These people are animals.

When Sophia wants water,
she drinks from the hose.

- I just don't want to lose
any customers tonight.

I heard Nemo's is having
a 2-for-1 drink special.

- Wait, Nemo's?

Is that that dive bar
down the street?

I've been in there.
Everybody's like

a million years old.
That being said,

a very fun vibe,
a lot of character in there.

I talked to a Hell's Angel
with an oxygen tank, nice guy.

- I used to drink at Nemo's
a couple of times a month

before Abby's opened.
I was the youngest one

in there by 15 years.

They used to call me "Junior."

They'd say, "Look at Junior
with his original hips

and his non-orthopedic shoes."
I liked it.

- Abby took
all their young customers

and there's been bad blood
ever since.

One time Nemo gave me a dirty
look at the grocery store.

Not the Albertson's.
The Ralph's.

- Why does that matter?

- 'Cause Ralph's
where I go to feel safe.

- Abby, I saw we were running
low

so I bought some
dishwashing detergent.

- Yes! Rosie.

- I also took the garbage
out to the driveway

and I picked all the bagel
chips out of Fred's bar mix.

- Bagels are for breakfast.

That's all I have to say
about that.

- Man, you have been
crushing it lately.

Thank you.
I owe you one.

- Really?
Because there's something

I've been working up
the courage to ask you.

No big deal, just been psyching
myself up in the mirror

every morning and in other
reflective surfaces.

Gave myself a pretty long pep
talk in some toilet water--

- Rosie.

Just ask me.
- Okay.

You know how I want to be a
musician and I'm in a new band

and if you really want to do me
a solid can my band play

at the bar tonight?
Never mind.

Uh-oh. You're looking at me.

This is stupid.
- No, no, Rosie.

Yes, sure, why not?
Yeah.

- Yes! I knew talking to myself
in that toilet would work.

- Guys, guys.

Could that be the suspect
from the police chase?

He matches the description.
- Oh, yeah.

Medium height white guy
with brown hair.

What are the odds?

- James, you're letting
your imagination run wild.

Like the time you made me come
over your house

with baseball bat
'cause you were afraid of

what turned out to be
a stop sign.

- I thought it was
a very skinny man

with a very big head.

- Oh, God. This is awful.
- They're just warming up.

This is what all musicians
sound like when they warm up.

- Fine, I'll try to have
a positive attitude.

Eh, didn't take.
Going back to the other thing.

- Hey, you guys look great
up there.

I can't wait to hear a song.

- What do you mean?
That was a song.

It was two, actually.
"Free Brick #12"

and
"Bohemian Rhapso-die-die-die."

- Oh. What genre of music would
you say that is?

- Uh, I'd say it's like
Post Noise Art Rock.

We call it
"Aggressive Confusion."

- Huh. Apt.

Can't wait to hear some
of your other stuff, you know?

Maybe some more
of your more music-y music?

Like, maybe "Free Bricks"
numbers 1 through 11?

- You want to hear
the old stuff?

I mean,
it's way more aggressive

and way more confusing,
but sure.

.

- Abs, you gotta tell
Rosie she's bad,

or when the bar fills up later,
she's gonna embarrass herself.

It'll be like when Fred
thought he could pull off

wearing a turtle neck.

- And I still think I--
- And you're still wrong.

- I can't tell Rosie she's bad.
She'll be crushed.

- Abby, I'm confused.

Usually you love
being brutally honest.

Just yesterday you told me
my arms are too long

for my body, and now
that idea is in me forever.

- Well, I mean it's true.
You look like

one of those inflatable mascots
at a car dealership.

- Oh, yeah!

Put your arms up to the side
and wiggle them.

- Okay, I do not look like--
- See?

The point is...

Why can't you just be honest
with Rosie?

- Because it's Rosie, you know?
We have a bond.

She looks up to me.
She's--she's my Zellweger.

- Ah, well put.
- It's true.

She is your Zellweger.
- You guys know perfectly well

that I have no idea
what you're talking about.

In fact, I think you all
are a bunch of sickos

who get off on having
an outsider around who has to

ask you what you're
talking about all the time.

- Oh, Bill, relax.
- Yeah, man.

Try not to get your arms
all tied up in a knot.

- Rosie is my Renée Zellweger
like in "Jerry Maguire."

When I left my old job,
I made this big speech,

and I said,
"Who's coming with me?"

And she was the only one
who did.

She looked out for me then,
and I wanna look out

for her now, no matter what.

- That is so special.

- Oh, whatever.
I'm nice sometimes. Shut up.

- We all love Rosie,
but I don't know

if I can believably fake
enthusiasm for this music.

- Eh, it's not that bad.

Honestly, faking enthusiasm
for your kids

is like 90% of parenting.

When they're in a pool,
every ten seconds

they'll be like,
"Mommy, mommy, watch this."

And then you watch
what they do,

and it's just garbage,
you know?

Big bag of nothing.

Then you say,
"Yay, great swimming,"

or whatever, and they're not
smart, so they believe you.

- Beth's right.
We just have to bob our heads

to the music and think of
something that brings us joy.

- Then I'll think
about the time that I served

as the grand marshal of the
St. Patrick's Day parade.

Not officially.

And not legally.

And not for very long.

- Our potential fugitive,

sipping a beer
and keeping to himself.

Exactly the type of behavior

you'd expect
from someone hiding out.

- Yeah, or someone in a bar.

So the plot thin-ens.

What's all that?
- Well,

I just figured
since the police are combing

the neighborhood looking
for that suspect

we should probably prepare

in case they stumble upon
our super illegal bar here.

So, if the cops do come,
we're not an illegal bar.

We are having
a backyard wedding, huh?

- As much as I would like
to give you a hard time

that is a very good idea.
Well done.

See, the bad thing is
that his thing being good

makes your thing seem
even dumber.

- I'm telling you.
He could be the suspect.

Look at his eyes.
They're furtive.

Look at him just furtin'
left and right.

- He's just a regular guy.

- As head of Bar Security,

it's my duty to investigate
a potential threat.

Now come with me and do most
of the talking.

- Ah, hey, buddy.
Mind if we sit down?

- Hey.
- My name's Fred.

This is--
- Ramón.

- Hi, I'm Clark.

- What brings you in here
tonight?

- Oh, a friend of mine told me
about the bar.

I figure I'd have to
stop in for a drink.

- Oh, I know most everybody
that comes in here.

What's your friend's name?
- Uh, Mike.

- Mike.
Tall Mike or medium Mike?

Maybe average Mike?
- I'm sorry.

Medium Mike and average Mike
are different Mikes?

- No, they're not.
Well played.

Earlier I noticed you were
a little out of breath.

Is that from running
from someone or something?

- Oh, actually I have
a condition called COPD.

It's chronic--
both: Obstructive

pulmonary disease.
- Are you kidding?

I have COPD too.
- Wow.

- Do you use the blue inhaler
or the yellow one?

- I use the yellow one
because the blue one

both: Makes my mouth dry.

- Exactly!
- Get out of here!

Hey, I'm gonna get a beer.
Anybody want anything?

- Yes, please.
- No, thank you.

We don't accept drinks
from strangers.

- Okay.

- James, I love you,
but never come

between me
and a free drink again.

- Okay, everybody, we have got

a special treat
for you tonight.

A little music from
our very own Rosie Khansari

and this guy!

His name is Brandon.
- Hi!

- Sorry. Brandon!

We hope you enjoy the show.

We demand it.

Anyway, please give it up for--
what's your band's name?

Dynamic Intrusion.

Give it up for Rosie
and Brandon.

- I know someone named Donna.

I know someone named Donna.

Her name is Donna Jankewitz.

- Hey, man, enjoying the music?

- Not really. It makes me feel
confused and aggressive.

- That means it's working.
Just clap, dude.

- She's my aunt.

- Whoo!

- I was pretty nervous, but I
think around the fourth song

we really hit a groove.
- Oh, yeah.

- You sounded really good.
- Yay, great swimming.

- Seriously,
this was so much fun.

Thanks, Abby.
- Oh, of course.

- And, uh,
since it went so well,

who says it has
to end tonight?

- Good question. Abby?

Does anyone want to say it
has to end tonight?

- It's just that my parents
have been really down on me

since I quit med school
to become a musician

and two years in I haven't
had a steady gig.

What better way to show my
parents that I can do this

then to perform in front of
this amazing crowd every week?

- Wow. Every week.

All the weeks.

So if it's a week,
we're doing this.

Am I saying the right number
of weeks?

- Huh, yeah, what better way
to show your parents

you can do this then to perform
here every week. Huh.

Let's just--just think about
that for a second, everyone.

Let's just think if there's
a better way, you know?

Let's think about it
with our brains.

- Hm.

Well, can't think of anything,

so I guess you have yourself
a gig at Abby's.

- Yes! This is amazing!

Brandon's gonna be so excited.
He might eat food.

.

- Okay, it's time
to get serious.

Maybe we can get away
with lying to Rosie once,

but every week?

- There's 50 people here
most nights.

One of them is gonna slip up,

either because they forget
or because they're James.

- She's right.
There's a high possibility

I'm gonna blow this.

You gonna have to tell
Rosie the truth.

- I can't. I don't want to
break Rosie's heart.

You know, she's young,
and she has a dream.

Don't you remember what it's
like to have a dream?

I mean, I wanted to train
killer whales at SeaWorld

but then you know Blackfish.
- Yeah.

- I wanted to design apps.
- Hey, really?

You know, James,
I'm a decent coder.

In fact, I've written several
of my own applications.

- Not those type of apps.

I mean like
buffalo chicken blasters

or baked potato blasters.

But they already discovered
all the good blasters.

- I always dreamed of
being a man

who could pull off
a turtle neck.

And you know what, I still co--
all: No.

- You can't.

- When I was practicing law,

I wanted to start a nonprofit

for people displaced
by natural disasters.

Then I was so tired on
Saturdays, it was just like,

"Eh, they'll be fine."

- I wanted to just
be married once.

- Oh.
- For crying out loud.

- Guys, look at Rosie
right now.

She's telling her parents
that her dreams

are about to come true.

I can't take that
away from her.

So what do we do?

- Why don't we get her a gig
at Nemo's?

- Huh.
- Think about it.

It's a bigger venue.
They have a stage.

And actual sound equipment.

Yeah, the audience is old,
but they're the kind of old

where if they don't like it,
it's a compliment.

It's weirdly perfect.

- Yes, and also real bands
used to play there.

Back in the day for five bucks
you could get a beer

and an STD
from someone really famous.

- It's not a bad idea.

- But why would Nemo help us?

Did y'all not hear
my Ralph story earlier?

I got a look, Abby.

A dirty look.

- I'm just gonna have
to make a deal.

It'll be the hardest thing
I've ever done,

but, Beth, set it up.

- Wait a second.
Making a deal with Nemo

is gonna be the hardest thing
you've ever done?

- No, man, I was a marine,
but if I start talking

about how I blew up a bridge
with a hand grenade

then everyone
would get turned on

and we don't have time
for that.

- Listen to this.
They walk over to the door.

They turn around
and look back at me.

And I knew that
I would never see

Chuck Norris or Fran Drescher
ever again.

- That is an amazing story.

- It sure is, Clark.
It--

Looks like you about done
with that beer.

Mind if I take that empty
off you?

- Oh, sure.
Thanks, man.

Oh, we're very serious
about our dirty dishes

here at Abby's.

- Ramón.

I think it might be time
to relax a little.

- You got some mud
on your shoes.

Wanna tell me
how that happened?

- Oh

I'd rather not talk about it.

- I wonder why. Hm.

Just tell us, Clark.
Just tell us the truth.

Why is there mud on your shoes?

- Okay.

I buried
my dog today.

- Oh.
- Yeah, his name was Romper.

He was a good dog.

- Oh, wow.
- I'm gonna miss him.

- It's okay, buddy.
- Here's a picture.

- Oh, boy.
- This is before he was dead.

- Yeah, he looks alive here.

See, don't worry.
There's a place where

beloved pets go when they die
called the Rainbow Bridge.

And I'm sure Romper's up there
playing right now

with my old dog, Ramó--James.

Want to see a picture?
Here he is.

- I got a picture too.
- Okay.

- It's my old dog, Mr. Paw-dre.

I spelled it P-A-W...
and the D-R-E is the same.

- Makes sense.
- Look at him.

- Well, I think if the police
do come looking

for that fugitive, this wedding
is gonna be a pretty good alibi

that we're not running
an illegal outdoor bar here.

Only problem is I can't figure
out this seating chart.

- It's a fake wedding, buddy.

- Yeah, but, you know,
my ex-wife--she didn't really

give me a say in our wedding,
so I'm finally getting to plan

the wedding
that I've always wanted.

Hey, wanna guess
the surprise wedding favor?

It's baby succulents.
I just had to tell somebody.

- It's time, Abby.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

While I still have
you guys here,

candles in mason jars,
chic or are we over that?

- Hm.

- Fine.

- Abby.
- Nemo.

- Beth.
- Fringo.

- Damn it, you know my name
is Teddy!

- All right!

Abby, I got to get back soon.
Beth said you need a favor.

- Yeah, I need you
to offer someone

a weekly gig at your bar,
a paid gig.

- I'm not paying someon--
- No.

I would pay you
so you could pay them,

but as far as everybody knows,
the gig's legit.

- I might be able to do that.

But you don't get something
for nothing, Ponytail.

Teddy, give her the list
of the stuff we want.

- "Switch to regular toothpicks

"instead of the little
plastic swords.

The swords are our thing."

Okay, whatever.

You want us to take
Skip's brother, Kip?

- He's a troublemaker.
He picks fights.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

- Oh, good God.
Is he Skip's older brother?

Somehow?

Yeah, okay, fine.
We'll take him.

What else is on here?

Take little Nemo.
Who's little Nemo?

He's a mean dog that sits
in our bar.

Eats pennies.

He's mean.

- Abs, are you sure

this is easier
than telling Rosie the truth?

I don't want a mean dog.
- Okay.

If we do all that, we take Kip,
we take the mean dog--

- Sword toothpicks?
- Yes, fine.

You'll let Rosie's band play?

- Abby?

- Rosie. How long have you been
listening to us?

- Long enough.
- Look, I can explain.

We have a really good reason
for wanting to swap you

and your band
for Nemo's mean dog.

- Oh, my God, that's like
a million times worse

than what I heard.
What the hell?

.

- I knew this whole faking
enthusiasm thing

was a bad idea.
- Yeah.

Maybe it works on kids
but not on adults.

This is why I've never faked
my orgasms.

What, I'm gonna take off
my clothes

and put on a little play
for somebody?

Pfft, who has the time?

You come to my bed,
you're there to work.

Get it right or I'll make
a sandwich.

What do I care.

- Okay.

- Rosie, will you please
just talk to me?

- Well, you hate my music so
much, I'd thought I'd play it

safe and never make sounds
with my mouth ever again.

You were gonna trade me
for a mean dog?

To avoid hearing me sing you'd
rather be bitten by a mean dog.

- No, not bitten.

It was just gonna, like,
be here.

I didn't know what else to do.

- Oh, right,
you know what they say.

When in doubt, swap out
your friend for a mean dog.

- No, Rosie, I didn't do all
of that to get rid of you.

I did it because I care
about you.

I didn't want to crush
your dreams.

I feel like you look up to me,
and I wanted to protect you.

You're my Zellweger.

- Abby, I look up to you
because you're honest

with people, including me.

I'm tough enough
to take criticism,

so just treat me
how you'd wanna be treated.

Honestly.

- Okay.

Rosie...

Your music is very bad.

- Okay, I respect your opinion.

Go on.

- I think it might be awhile
before I can enjoy music again.

- Seems like we're veering away
from "honesty"

and into "brutal truth,"
but this is good.

Keep going.
- Look, how about this?

You can play here once a month
while you get better,

and if I don't like it,
I will boo.

- Deal, and seriously you
don't have to like my music.

People of your generation don't
really get millennial stuff.

- What--Rosie,
we're the same generation.

- Okay, yeah, sure.
People my age

definitely get your
"Jerry Maguire" references.

- But you just got it.

- I can't believe
we're gonna do this.

- I mean I've always wanted a
reason to go deep sea fishing,

and now I got two:
Bean Pole and Ramón.

- It's gonna be great.

We're gonna load
the boat with supplies,

we'll pump Ramón full
of Dramamine,

and then we head for my secret
spot off the coast of Mexico.

- You know, Clark,
I feel so dumb about it now.

When you first got here,

I was so scared to go talk
to you.

I'm scared of a lot of things,

but I don't want to live
my life like that anymore.

I really wanna--
- Oh, crap!

It's the cops!
- Suspect in sight.

Officers in pursuit.

- Stupid fence. Give me a sec.

- Everyone, to our bride...

Beth and Randro,

from all of us here in
this legal, normal backyard,

we wish that you find happiness
every single day.

Chin-chin, everyone.
- Sorry, folks.

Congratulations.
- Thank you, Officer.

Feel free to grab a
baby succulent on your way out.