All language subtitles for Big.Mouth.S01E02.WEBRip.x264-RARBG-English

- Synced and corrected by
chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Jessi, what's taking so long?

I feel gross and nothing looks good.

Oh, honey, that's how the fashion
industry wants you to feel,

so you spend all your
money at Forever 21

on clothes made by Malaysian
toddlers, who smoke, by the way.

Why don't you just
wear the white shorts?

You always look so cute in them.

Mom, you think I look
cute in everything.

No, I don't. You wear some
things I find very unflattering.

So, what's the deal with you and Jessi?

Have you seen her since,
you know, the kiss?

Yeah. I sent her a text that said "Hey,"

she sent me a video of a
dog dressed like a fisherman.

- Oh, my God. I guess she likes you?
- I think so.

I mean, the dog had a hat and
a raincoat, tiny fishing pole...

- No, I've seen it.
- Fun and playful, but also...

- You don't send it lightly.
- Still figuring out what to send back.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Tell
him to send a dick pic.

Girls love that, especially
when it comes out of nowhere

with, like, zero context.

God, I love field trip day!

Can't wait to see
which one of these dopes

forgot their permission slip.

And you two, Devin and Devin,

- aka the Devins.
- We're the Devins.

You look great as always,
you post-racial power couple.

- It's like genuinely not a big deal.
- Hey, guys.

Speaking of couples, Nick, what's
the deal with you and Jessi?

- Being in a relationship is so magical.
- Are y'all dating or what?

- Uh...
- Uh!

Listen to me, Nick, you're
a cute little nugget.

You're funny, sometimes, but
you're tiny and you need a hook.

- Cute and funny seems like a decent hook.
- Jessi's on the rise.

Smart girls are having
a moment, for now.

Frankly I'm not even
sure what she sees in you.

A lot of Nick's appeal is revealed
the more you get to know him.

- Huh! And then there's this one.
- I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

You and Male Lesbian are
middle-of-the-bus people.

Want to make it to the
back? Lock it down with Jessi

and lose "Billie Jean King."

Look who's arrived.

Your booty is bangin' in those
white shorts, you little fox.

Really? They were my male cousin's.

- Jessi, hey.
- Hi. Oh... !

- Oh, a hug?
- Yeah, or...

- No, I mean, yeah, we could do that, or...
- How about... Is this... ?

- What if we did like a whirr... ?
- Oh, is... ?

Ta-da!

That's so sweet. Look
how awkward they are.

Yeah. Yeah, I can see this. It's
not for me but people will like it.

It's Starbucks. It's what America wants.

So what's the deal? Are
y'all a couple, or what?

Oh, shit, what these
motherfuckers gonna do?

- So what's the deal, you two?
- Um...

I... I think maybe...

- Yes, we're dating?
- Yeah.

Whoa, everyone's couplin' up.

Nick and Jessi, my mom and
her hospice nurse Roberto.

Love is in the air.

Okay, so, what are we thinking?

Find the first seat that doesn't
have a swastika carved in the back?

Eh, Nicky, in the back, man. We're
back here. Couples in the back.

Oh. I guess we're
supposed to sit together?

- At the back of the bus?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Oh, are you cool with that?

Yeah, surely.

I mean, the back of
the bus is for couples,

and of course that wheelchair kid

so that the cool kids don't
get in trouble for exclusion.

Also, they need to load this
little motherfucker from the back.

You know, I could walk
until I was vaccinated.

Jessi, Nick, hi. Are
you guys joining us?

Go! I'll be fine. Just remember
everything that happens...

- Later, Andrew.
- ... so you can tell me later.

- Milady.
- Thank you, good sir.

Okay, this is a good thing, sweetheart.

- I do not like when you call me that.
- Now you can sit next to a girl,

outside thigh against outside thigh,

tip of elbow against
bottom corner of boob.

Your buddy Jay over
there has got the idea.

- Is this your card?
- No.

- Fuck!
- Maybe it is my card?

Why won't you go out with me?!

Come on, come on, come on.

Get your ass in a seat
before it's too late.

No, no, no, no. Don't sit with
the kid with the rolly backpack.

- He can't read social cues.
- Hi, you're looking at me.

How tall are you? There's
a monster next to you.

Eh, what's up, Caleb?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit with her.

Remember when she made you
jizz your pants at the dance?

No, I forgot when I publicly ejaculated.

- Really?
- No. I'm never gonna forget that.

Come on, she has no idea what happened.

And besides, you don't know
what's in that backpack.

Ooh... ! I bet it's filled
to the brim with dildos.

Hey, Andrew, do you wanna
play Travel Scrabble?

Oh!

She wants it so bad.

Jesus, Andrew, if you
don't find a seat soon

we're gonna get stuck with...

- Cop a squat, my dude.
- No!

Oh, fuck a duck.

I'm gonna go... I'm
gonna go fuck a duck.

So what's the deal,
Andrew? You dating anyone?

I'm personally, not currently,
or really in the past,

but, well, there is
one woman in my life.

She's rusty green and
she's a thousand feet tall,

AKA the Statue of Liberty,

AKA where we're going on
our class trip today, kiddo.

AKA another example of
American mythmaking, gang.

We stole this entire country
from the Native Americans.

Oh, my God, he's so deep!

Okay, first of all, the Indians gave us

this country for Thanksgiving, okay?

So no backsies, they
can't be Indian givers.

- Pun intended, so...
- Okay.

So, back of the bus, huh?

Can I get you something to drink?

- Orange juice, champagne?
- They have beverage service back here?

No, no, no, no, no. He's the
bus driver's son. He's insane.

We'll be offering warm cookies
when we arrive at the statue,

so don't fill up on bread.

So you guys gonna tongue
each other or what?

Oh... ! Are we supposed
to be doing that?

We don't have to if we don't want to.

Yeah. It just feels early in
the morning to be making out.

- Yeah. No, I hear you.
- Mm, yeah.

You taste like birthday cake Pop-Tarts.

I'm actually good with,
like, a light hand-hold.

- Great.
- Good.

Why didn't you guys get
champagne? It's free.

- Come on, Nick, I'll race you to the top.
- Boys go with boys,

and girls go with girls. That
way we can talk about each other

and then we'll meet at
the top for couples pics!

- That sound good to you?
- Couples pics?

Don't you remember last week
when we made fun of people

with shared Instagram accounts?

I do, I do. But my thinking
on that has evolved.

Uh, okay. I guess I'll see you
up there for a... "couples pic."

Did that little bastard just ditch you?

Well, I guess he's supposed to
hang out with his couple friends.

Yeah, pretty soon I bet they'll
all be swinging together,

just a big old fuck and suck.

Maybe you can be the guy
who jerks off in the corner.

Every orgy needs a
witness and baby wipes.

So, does Nick know
when your birthday is?

Uh, I guess.

Oh, sweetie, it's your most
important couple holiday.

Devin, can I talk to
you, like, in private?

Okay, Lola. Wow. She gets so jealous
when I talk to, like, anything.

It comes to this. Jay! What's up?

- Should we climb this gal together?
- Can't talk right now.

I'm centering myself before
my greatest trick yet.

- Okay.
- What trick, you ask?

By day's end, I will replicate
my fifth favorite magician

David Copperfield's famous illusion...

I will make the Statue
of Liberty disappear.

- You got eyes on that little brown kid?
- Course I do. He's a little brown kid.

Okay, well, maybe I can
help you with your trick.

What the hell? Why does
everyone keep ditching me?

Because you smell like an Israeli disco.

So what exactly does a boyfriend do?

Like, what are my responsibilities?

You just gotta be there for her,
you know? Before class, after class,

lunchtime, bedtime... you're
never off the clock, really.

- Isn't that exhausting?
- I'm telling you, bro, it's great.

You just have to make
a couple of compromises.

- Like what?
- For example, my name is actually Devon,

but she makes me go
by "Devin" so we match.

Oh, right, it's Devon. I don't
know if I could change my name.

You'll get used to it,
Jesse. See that? I flipped it.

I see now.

Hey, there you are. Have you seen Nick?

- Ugh. We're not married.
- But you are dating, right?

I guess. I mean, we
kissed, we texted twice,

then suddenly we're sitting in the
back of the bus with the couples.

- And that wheelchair kid.
- Who was drunk.

I heard you sent Nick a dog fisherman.

He told you that? What
else did he tell you?

- Oh, I don't know if I should say.
- Andrew, it's just me.

No, I know, but now you're,
you know, "my friend's lady."

Ugh! I'm not a lady. You know
what? Forget I said anything.

- Hey, Jessi...
- What?!

Oh... I think you sat in ice cream... ?

I also sat in ice cream. We're the same.

I've got to go to the
bathroom right now.

Wait, are you okay?
I... I can come with you.

Actually, I sat in ice cream on
purpose. I was trying to cool down.

Oh, I feel you, buddy. I
have a super dry tongue. Look.

Ah-hh!

Actually, I have to wet it manually
every hour. It's a real nightmare.

Upside, I get to eat a lot
of Rocket Pops, so yin-yang.

Uh, Jessi, are you okay? Should
I get Coach Steve or a grownup?

I'm fine. Do not get Coach Steve.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. This is not happening.

I just got my first period in
the fucking Statue of Liberty.

Okay, I just need to
find something to...

What the hell?

Oh, my God, this is the worst.

What sadistic female-hating
janitor stocks this bathroom?

You leave me, Svetlana,
I fuck your whole gender!

Jessi, what's going on in there?
Oh, my God, are you a drug mule?

Did your heroin balloon
burst inside your body?

Say something, anything.

Actually, Andrew, can you come in here?

- Am I allowed?
- Just get in here!

Oh. It's the same.
Look, What's going on?

Okay, I would never tell a guy this,

- but since it's just you...
- Hurtful. Continue.

... I got my period.

I'm so sorry...

Whew. Could you pass
me some toilet paper?

There isn't any!

Missy, have you seen Jessi? We
were supposed to meet up here.

Uh, no, I haven't, but
if you look over there...

- Missy.
- ... you can see Ellis Island,

the entryway for generations
of "huddled masses."

- Just...
- Lots of people who were turned away

because of an eye disease that
they didn't even know they had.

Okay, so that's a no on Jessi?

Look at her, she's the American dream.

I mean, she started from
the bottom of the sea,

built herself up from nothing,

and now she's this big huge statue.

Actually, she was a
gift from the French.

Typical imperialist patriarchy.

Okay, there's no way
Lady Liberty's French.

They did not teach me
that at Fordham University.

- Where'd you go?
- Ahem, Apex Tech.

- I'm sorry. Where?
- Full disclosure... The Learning Annex.

- Where was it?
- Truth be told, the Internet.

- I can't read.
- Hmm. I didn't think so.

Now look at me like you
can't believe we're together.

- Guys, do you know where Jessi is?
- You don't know?

Check your back pocket.
Is her hand in there?

I saw her go into the
bathroom with Andrew G.

The following is a list
of other people I saw

go into the bathroom today...

Eric L., Kevin B., Sasha S.

Whoa! Sasha made the list. All right!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God. Does it hurt?

- Well, it doesn't feel good.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Just go to the gift shop and see if
they have any... feminine products.

Okay, great. Should I keep a
receipt, and you reimburse me later?

- Blood is coming out of my vagina!
- Okay, then, my treat.

What am I gonna do?

ACCENT] Hello, Jessi.

As the largest woman in the world,

I welcome you into the
covenant of menstruation.

Oh, thank God, a woman.

I'm so scared right now.
There's so much blood.

Am I gonna be okay?

Being a woman is misery.

Nothing but pain and unwanted
babies from terrible lovers,

and worst of all, le cramp.

Ugh. What if I don't want to
be a woman? I like how I am now.

Change, it comes whether
you want it or not,

like disgusting pigeons who defecate
and fornicate on your shoulder.

You're kind of a bummer.

Oh, well, I'm so sorry
I'm not more American,

sunny Mickey Mouse baba-booey bullshit.

You are a woman now, Jessi, and
nothing will ever be the same again.

Jesus. Is there anything
good about being a woman?

If you're very lucky a man will
jack off at you on the subway,

so, no.

Empty your pockets, Aladdin Bin Laden.

Guys, guys, I really
wasn't going to make

the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Well, well, well. What were you
planning on doing with these?

Aw, those are just for a magic
trick. I can prove it. May I?

Whoa!

Wow! You're the most
talented person I ever met!

Not to name drop, but we
brought Hoda Kotb here one time.

Hoda Kotb, from the drunk ladies'
hour of the Today Show? Wow.

- What else can you do?
- Well, before I do any more tricks,

I'll have to get out of my handcuffs!

- Wow!
- Oh, man!

- Wait a minute. Did we cuff him?
- No, you didn't.

I brought these from home.

You never know when you're
gonna really need to wow someone.

This kid's so much cooler than Kal Penn.

Oh, yeah. Kal Penn can
straight up go fuck himself.

- Yeah, fuck Kal Penn!
- Guys, that's too far.

Are you there, Jessi? It's me, Andrew.

- I get it, Andrew.
- I was hoping you would.

- Did you find something?
- I did.

Are you kidding? What am I
supposed to do with this thing?

- It's huge.
- And I apologize.

It was either this or a Yankee pennant,

and I just felt uncomfortable

with you having the
Yankees so close to your...

blessing, 'cause, you
know, "Let's go, Mets."

- Let's go, Mets.
- Let's go, Mets!

Someone else is in here now.

Okay, I'm gonna go. Let's go, Mets.

Let's go, Mets!

- What's your problem, babe?
- It's not a problem.

I'm just asking you not to
hashtag our photo "The Devins."

- Devin, but why?
- Because my name is Devon!

I can't believe I'm wearing
a 9/11 towel as a diaper

and I wore white shorts

on the worst day in history
to wear white shorts.

Here, for your... you
know, "ice cream butt."

Thanks. You're a good friend.

What? What are they doing?

Tsk, tsk. Oh, let me guess.
You're looking at Andrew and Jessi?

- Why do you have binoculars?
- Because tourists are hilarious.

Tilt to the right if you wanna see
a grown man in a Minions T-shirt.

- What is that? You smell that?
- I don't smell anything.

- That's period blood.
- Oh, my God, you're a really bad guy.

This is blood lust,
Andrew, literal blood lust.

- Only one thing to do.
- Do not say...

- Fuck her face!
- What you just said.

Promise all of this
stays between you and me?

Of course, just you and me
and that gigantic 9/11 towel.

- Never forget.
- "Never forget"!

The key is to trust that
the right card will appear

when you need it most!

- Is this your card?
- That's my signature.

- That's amazing.
- Oh, man.

You're free to go,
buddy. You're too good.

Magic is the best!

I live alone and have
nothing and no one.

Jessi, what the hell? You were
supposed to meet me in the head.

I actually think it's the
crown, or is it a visor?

Whatever, Andrew. I
thought we were going out.

- There are rules to this.
- Who gives a shit about the rules?

I do! I was up there all alone.

I looked like an idiot
in front of the Devins.

- Nick, go easy on her.
- Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking anyone's side. I
just want us all to be friends,

and you were off hanging with
Devon, so I was trying to help Jessi.

- Help her with what?
- Nothing.

- I saw you hugging her.
- That's only 'cause...

- 'Cause what, Andrew?
- 'Cause she got her period!

Andrew!

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry for what?

- Sorry you got your period?
- Don't be sorry.

It's not a disease, it's totally normal.

And I know nobody talks about
it but everyone gets their period

and now I got mine, in
white fucking shorts!

Oh, my God.

I'm above this, so
I'm not gonna comment.

Jessi's ice cream was menstrual blood.

But I will say this...
I need some fresh air

because this is Terry Gross.

Whoa. This is a nightmare. This
is what we're all afraid of.

Again, I'm gonna stay out of this,

but it was less of a period and
more of an exclamation point.

And worst of all,
bitch wore white shorts.

That's right, I made it off the bus.

I rode on Missy's little
square-ass backpack.

You guys, you guys, I
just had the best day ever.

Hey, Jessi, what's this behind your ear?

Not now, Jay, I am not in the mood.

Oh, what are you, on your perio... ulp!

♪ When the ovum first descends ♪

♪ It is expelled ♪

♪ And it's expelled ♪
♪ With the uterine lining ♪

♪ And the flow ♪
♪ And the menstrual flow begins ♪

♪ Out the vagina ♪

♪ Out the vagina it all comes sliding ♪

♪ No, no, you're not alone ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody bleeds ♪

♪ From time to time ♪

♪ So let it flow ♪

♪ Friendships fall apart ♪

♪ And leave a shameful stain ♪

♪ On the white pants of your heart ♪

♪ And everybody bleeds ♪

♪ Like your insides are exploding ♪

♪ Everybody bleeds ♪

♪ Life's all heartache, cramps ♪
♪ And bloating ♪

♪ Everybody bleeds ♪

Everybody, what are
you, out of your minds?

Get back on the bus.

Did you make it to the
bathroom in time, Steve?

Uh, yeah, but it was like...
whew... right at the buzzer.

Here you go, kiddo, for your...
you know, ahem, your lady issues.

Thanks, Coach Steve.

Uh, these are marshmallows.

You know, I can't read,
so I go by pictures.

All right. Well, either way,
uh, that was very noble of you.

Not that noble. I also took a huge dump.

- It was right at the buzzer...
- I heard you say that to Mr. Lizer.

- It was coming out as I was sitting down.
- Got it!

You know, like when a meerkat
comes up through the prairie,

but let's say it's in
Australia so it's upside down...

Information received.

Baby, uh, I'm sorry about before.

You can tag the picture
however you want.

Oh, sweetie, thank you. I already did.

- I'm sorry about before, too.
- Okay.

Is that it? You still sound mad.

Oh... I'm gonna go
home and burn my shorts.

That makes two of us.

I was dishonest before about
beating the buzzer, so...

How was your day, sweetie?

Aw, Jessi bear, what's wrong?

- I got my period.
- Oh, you got your period.

You made me wear white shorts.

Oh, I made you wear white shorts.

I'm so sorry.

And then I scared the hell out of a cat.

- How was your day?
- To be honest with you, Duke, not great.

My girlfriend got her period and
then she got really mad at me.

Sounds like we both got pussy problems.

- Duke, you're not being helpful.
- Relax, Nick.

This period hullabaloo will pass,

but then it will come
again, and again, and again,

until one time she
tells you it didn't come,

and that's when you move away and
change your name to Duke Ellington.

I have made tremendous
mistakes in my life.

♪ I'm paying for my sins now ♪

Did you know that tampons
are taxed as a luxury item?

Yeah. It's a real luxury to stick
a wad of cotton up your crotch.

Could you please just tell
me how to use a tampon?

Honey, you're not ready for tampons.

Let's finish basic training
before we go to Fallujah.

- Where we never should have been.
- I know, I know.

- Fucking Cheney.
- Mom, please.

- All right, let's start off with a pad.
- Thank you, Mom.

- It's gonna be okay.
- It just doesn't seem fair.

It's not. Come here.

- You know, if men got their period...
- Mom!

What? It'd be an Olympic sport.

They'd give out medals
for the heaviest flow.

So, did you know that blood
comes out of their vaginas?

It's really honestly crazy.

I mean, what would you do if blood
came out of your penis once a month?

Oh, my! I don't know!

Why would you put that image in my head?

- What would you do?
- One time I ate a bunch of roasted beets

and then when I pooped, it was red,

and I thought my butt was
bleeding and I was like, "Oh, no."

- Right.
- And then I was like,

- "Oh, yeah, I ate beets," so...
- I don't think that's the same.

What happened to Jessi
today was pretty big.

Do you think she's not,
like, good old Jessi anymore?

No, no, she's always
gonna be good old Jessi.

- I've known her forever.
- I don't know, man.

You bleed out of your vagina once
a month, that shit'll change you.

Indeed it will.

This is not amazing.

Hello, my precious little ravioli.

Agh-hh!

- Shh! Quiet, baby.
- Who... what are you?

I am the Hormone Monstress.

If you're here to tell me
how terrible being a woman is,

the Statue of Liberty and
my mom already covered that.

The French are full of shit,
your mother's a woman in decline.

- You're on the rise, girl.
- I am?

But you'll have to make
some changes, dumpling.

For instance, what the fuck is this?

- It's my baseball mitt.
- Get rid!

- Hey!
- Listen to me!

You want to shoplift lipstick,

you want to listen to
Lana Del Rey on repeat

while you cut up all your T-shirts.

You want to scream at your mother
and then laugh at her tears!

- But I don't want to scream at my mom.
- She's not your mom anymore.

From now on, you call her Shannon.

- You're very beautiful.
- I know.

- Why do you smell so good?
- Because I don't use deodorant

and I only take bubble baths.

Everything okay in here, sweetie?

Get the hell out, Shannon!

- Your hair looks nice.
- I said get out!

Beautifully done, my little gyoza.

These are going to be the
greatest years of your life.

Now let's fling ourselves onto the bed

and cry so hard no sound comes out.

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