All language subtitles for Brockmire.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-FLEET

You know, folks, in Hamburg,

I once saw a half-dozen Germans
berate a bus driver

because he was five minutes late.

I mean, even today, you don't
have to squint too hard

to see how Hitler got
those people to march.

Having no chill, that's
a base tenet of fascism.

Ooh, Charles, you know,
that sounded a little bit

too Bill Maher as I said it.

Can we cut that out. Charles?

Charles! Are you listening to me?

Try... Try to pay attention
to the podcast, Charles.

I mean, it is only your job.

Jim!

Jim! We can't be late.

They're serious about this Raj thing.

Jim?

Ai! Ai! Hijo de puta!

Oh, man.

We hit the bar hard
when Uribe got in last night.

You got in three days ago.

Well, time flies when you're on speed.

I am celebrating my retirement.

Miss Jules, she cut me.

Said I'm too slow at everything.

I'm sorry, man.

So, you got any speed?

No. Hey, where's Jim?

Brockmire, man, he party
hard nowadays, man.

He eventually left me behind.

Why are you wearing his jacket?

We switched clothes, man,
when the mushroom kicked in.

Uribe thought it was
a good idea at the time.

Hey, do you want Uribe
to help you find Brockmire?

No, that's fine. I got this.

Ai, that's better. Ai.

Yeah, I do this all the time.

Come on, Jim. Where are you?

Ooh.

Wassup, world? It's your girl, Cassie.

Look who I pulled from the bar.

Old dude from the Internet.

Hey. I'll wait for you here, man.

Ugh.

Where's Jim?

I don't know where he is.

I kicked him out an hour ago.

Tried to eat my ass almost
as soon as we got in bed.

Ha! That's a reward
for a job well-done.

You don't start a big meal
with dessert.

Where did he say he was going?

Said he was going to some bar

that cuts out the middleman
of fun and conversation.

Pbht! What the hell took you so long?

Your breath smells like ass.

Oh, I wish.

Crawdaddys go on a long
road trip tomorrow...

- two weeks.
- Yeah, no, I don't care

who messed them up.

I'm not paying for them.

They're supposed to say
"Brockmire," not Brock-m-i-e-r.

He's not French.
I expect a full refund.

Crawdaddys threatening
here in the second.

Mm-hmm. Oh, no, I have
the receipt on me right here.

Hold on.

And that is the first
run of the ball game,

and you know what that means,
Crawdaddy fans.

It's time for the Crawdaddy Ditty.

Press the button.

There it is, the Crawdaddy Ditty.

You know what? Hold on.
I have a call on the other line.

Hey. How was the flight, Mom?

Yeah, well, I have some good news.

I got us a reservation at
a Michelin star restaurant.

Yeah, no, not like the tire people.

It's just a way of saying
it's a fancy restaurant.

Yeah, no, Dad's gonna meet us there.

Hey, hey, hey, excuse me. Hi.

Could you please bubble-wrap
these before you send them?

We've gotten a few complaints.
Thank you.

Yeah... No, uh, I-I agree with you.

There's nothing fancy about tires.

There isn't gonna be any tires there!

I'm... I love you, Mom.

I'll see you later. Goodbye.

You said you needed
a little bit of office space.

You're running a goddamn
mail-order sweatshop!

And these guys keep stealing hot dogs.

You know what?

I'll give you $75 extra
a week for the rent,

and everybody in here
gets free hot dogs.

That's a lot of cash.

Well, credit cards don't make
problems go away this fast.

Hey, wait, was that
the second out or the third?

Shit.

Top of the third
is brought to you by...

Shit!

...by... by...

Delphina's Po' Boys.

Serving New Orleans for over 80 years.

Every bite will make you scream,
"Oh, boy, what a po' boy!"

Seems strange that lasted 80 years

with a slogan that rhymes
"boy" with "boy," doesn't it?

But, uh, that just means
their sandwiches

are mighty tasty, folks.

You're way off your game today.

Johnson steps in. He's batting .255.

All right, so this driver

will take you and Uribe
wherever you want to go.

Eh, I'm not seeing Pedro tonight.

He's got a date with
this professor from Tulane.

Boy, that guy loves academics.

Keeps dragging me around
to all these college bars

so we can find a big-ass woman
with a big-ass mind

to sit on his big-ass face.

Well, you won't be alone,

because the driver will be
with you for 24 straight hours,

because as you know,
tonight's my night off.

Whoa, first I'm hearing of this.

I've been telling you for a month.

You can't tell me.
You have to write it down.

I'm... I'm a visual listener, Charles.

Well, you can't put it there.

You have to put it on my
drinking hand or I don't see it.

Come on. Just... Please.

Hang out with me tonight,
and I'll pay you double.

I'm head of your corporation.

So?

That means I pay you.

Yeah, only 'cause you don't
trust me with the finances,

Charles, which is beyond insulting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me this much.

Come on. Karen Hill big.

I don't know what that means.

Inexcusable that you haven't
seen, uh, "Goodfellas" yet.

Come on. Slip it in there.

No foreplay needed.
Ooh, that feels nice.

The birthday boy is here.

Give me them 604s!

Podcast, I've been meaning to ask you.

- What's your podcast about?
- It's the drunk ramblings

of an old white dude
who drinks too much.

- And that shit makes money?
- Yeah.

I should do a podcast about, like,

shoes and clothes and shit.

You could.

You could call it "Dipped and Laced."

Can you talk into a microphone
for like an hour straight?

All I do is talk shit.

This is actually
a really good idea, Dave.

I have some time right now
if you want...

Let's do it.

Hold on.

All right, I got to...
I got to take this.

Yeah, sure.

Ugh.

Jim: Hello? Charles?

I thought I took my uppers,

but I must have taken my downers.

I'm in a bathtub, and I can't
really lift my head.

Surprise!

You thought I forgot
your birthday, didn't you?

Wrote it down on my coke dollar
so I wouldn't forget.

August 15, Charles' birthday.

Toot toot!

I thought you were dying.

Come on, Charles.
I was just messing with you.

I got a big night planned.

I got two bottles
of 18-year-old scotch.

Those are for me.

I got you a lovely birthday cake,

which I've already eaten my half of.

And quite frankly,
it isn't sitting very well.

And, ooh, I got you a big,
old bag of cocaine,

which is how I remembered your
birthday in the first place

and, uh, yeah, that...
Well, that's also for me.

So the only thing you've
gotten me for my birthday

is a half-eaten birthday cake.

No.

I also got you Chastity,
who is a lovely sex worker,

and she's here to pop your cherry!

- There she is!
- Damn, man!

You ruined that bathroom.

I think I already admitted that
the cake was not sitting well.

- Touch�.
- Charles, Chastity.

Now, I want you to know... Hey...

I went to great lengths to make sure

that this was
the perfect woman for you.

So you already had sex with her.

You know, Charles, come on,
that'd be weird.

It's your birthday.

You're gonna have sex with her first,

and then I'm going
to have sex with her.

And then you go and then I go
and then you go and then I go.

But nobody comes
except for Chastity, of course,

because, you know, we're...
We're both gentlemen.

Can't wait.

Is this really how you imagined
me losing my virginity?

Yes. It's weird how close this is.

We're both sitting on this couch

and I had this exact level of erection.

I mean, I'm... I'm giving myself
d�j� vu with this thing.

I'm not doing this.

Well, I think you're hurting
Chastity's feelings, Charles.

Oh, no, no, I've been
in this game a long time.

I got thick skin. And loose skin.

He's hurting my feelings, all right?

Charles, come on.

What's more important
than spending time

with your best friend
on your... on your birthday?

Hanging out with my family.

I'm having dinner with them.

You're having dinner with your
family and didn't invite me?

How can you do that?

Because they hate you.

My mom still calls us
moving out of Morristown

"the kidnapping."

And my dad thinks
you're my sugar daddy.

It took them a whole year
to even talk to me again.

I'm not gonna let you ruin that by...

being you.

Now, what the hell is that su...

God damn, man!

How can it smell the same
coming out the other end?

Oh, shit. Oh, God.

All... All over your nice,
new sneakers.

I'm so... God damn it!
I got to cut back on the sugar.

It's my one true vice.

Oh!

All right, Charles,

I will not go to your
precious family dinner.

You weren't invited.

You and I both know
that was not gonna stop me.

But you have to do something for me,

and that something is named Chastity.

Oh.

Is it go time?

'Cause I just popped
a toaster strudel in,

and I'm gonna need five.

Also, someone's been
doubling up on your frosting

'cause y'all are low.

What? It wasn't me.

Yeah.

Hey, can I just get a few
things off my chest first?

Sure, sweetie.

I mean, half my job is listening.

Um, I didn't have the best childhood.

I barely ever saw my dad.
My mom is extremely needy.

And my stepdad is just the worst.

So when I saw the chance
to escape, I took it.

I knew New Orleans would be
much better than whatever life

I had back home, and I was right.

It's really great.

And I set this whole
birthday dinner thing

to show my family how well I'm doing.

And you're eating
another toaster strudel.

What? You don't want to have sex.

We don't have to. It's fine.

Great! Nice!

So you'll tell Jim we had sex?

Mm-hmm. For $300.

What?

He paid you $150.

Why am I paying you double to lie?

'Cause lying is a sin,
and I'm a godly woman.

You're a prostitute.

There's prostitutes in the Bible.

You know what?

You're right. I can't argue with that.

You're absolutely right.

Here you go.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Happy birthday!

Hmm. Nice stuff. They got some...

- Hey.
- Hey.

Nice of you to show up, Junior.

Yeah, well, it's, uh, 7:00 p.m.

I said 7:00. I'm exactly on time.

Charlotte and Charlyn,
what is "exactly on time"?

Both: Late, sir.

Thank you.

Well, I apologize, Dad.

I'm happy you could make it up
from Mississippi.

Yeah, well, the girls
wanted to see New Orleans.

So we went on a swamp boat tour,
and we saw a alligator farm,

and then we saw some
other historical landmarks.

You did all that since this morning?

No, we've been here for four days.

Oh... kay.

My two favorite Charles'sss.

Terry, where's Mom?

Oh, she's outside
parking the rental car.

I drove down, but she's better
at parallel parking than I am.

People honk, I get flustered.

Terry, why didn't you stay
to hold open the door for me?

I nearly sprained my wrist.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Let me get you some ice.

No, I don't need any ice.
I will heal from the pain.

I always heal from the pain.

Speaking of pain,
let me see my birthday boy.

Hmm! Oh!

I see you survived your kidnapping.

Hi, Mom. It's great to see you.

- Mm-hmm.
- God damn.

- Ooh!
- Bobbi, you still got it, girl.

If I wasn't married,

I'd say we run that thing
back one more time tonight.

Well, if you weren't
married, I'd let you.

So, this is the restaurant
the tire people recommend.

Don't worry about it.

I know it's my birthday,
but it's my treat.

It's my gift to you guys.

So your older man friend gave
you some walking-around money?

I, uh, I told you, Dad, I make
my own money from the podcast.

I ain't never seen no podcast
that pay this much.

How many podcasts have you seen?

Don't question me, boy.

Hey, do they have that
pre-dinner bread?

- I'm starvin' bajarvin'.
- Oh, my g... Okay, can we...

Look, we haven't been in the
same room in a very long time.

I just want all of us to enjoy
each other's company.

Please? I miss you guys.

Aww. I miss you, too, baby.

Your sisters were excited to see you.

And I was, too.

Baby, look, I know
we can be hard on you,

but it's just because
we love you so much.

I've settled for...
so many things in my life.

But I never want you
to settle for anything

- other than your best life.
- Thanks, Mom.

There they all are.
So good to see all of you.

I'm Jim. Charles has told me
so much about all of you.

Hey! Come on! Let's talk for a second.

I thought we had a deal.

We did, Charles, but you did
not fuck your end of it.

I paid Chastity $300,
and she told me the truth.

So we paid her $750 just
to eat all of our strudel?

Apparently.

Bobbi, Charles tells me
that you are from Fayetteville.

I am from right across the border

in Barry County, Missouri.

Can you believe that?

We're both children of the Ozarks.

I mean, we're practically cousins.

Mm-hmm. I only have one white cousin,

and his name is Dan Marino.

And you must be the sergeant.

Sir, it is such a pleasure to meet you.

I want to thank you for your service.

So you're my son's fancy friend.

That is exactly who I am.

Now, I know that you're all
very worried about Charles,

but I want to assure you
that he is just doing fantastic.

He's so happy that you all
came here to celebrate with him,

but really, what is
a celebration without a toast?

Come on in.

Champagne for everybody.

Now, this is on me. Thank you, darling.

Make sure everyone gets one, now.

All right. To Charles...

Well, if it ain't the ass
eater extraordinaire.

You didn't even kiss me
on the mouth first.

What kind of man
goes straight for the ass

before they kiss you on the mouth?

One that thought he was in a safe space

to try a little something different.

- You...
- All right, okay.

What the hell was that in there?

Hey, is it my fault that the rectum

has the same amount of pleasure
receptors as the clitoris?

It isn't. I mean, blame God
or natural selection,

depending on your belief system.

See, this is exactly why
I didn't want you here.

I'm trying to patch
whatever relationship

I have left with the family,

and you're just gonna
come in here and ruin it.

You're almost as bad as Terry!

What do y'all have against that guy?

He seems like a very sweet man to me.

Never, ever take Terry's side.

Never. If you're gonna stay here,

you're gonna be on your best behavior.

You understand me? Not a word.

- I got it.
- Not a word.

- How do you want me to...
- Jim!

- Okay.
- Ah, ah, ah!

All right.

Thank you.

Here's the happy couple.
Did y'all kiss and make up?

Sorry about that.
Sorry about all of this.

Now, it's just exactly
what we expected,

which is why we got you this.

Happy birthday, son.

- What's this?
- It's a plane ticket.

Now, look, I already got two good kids,

so whatever happens to you, I'm fine.

But you're all your mother has,

which is why you ought to be
at home taking care of her.

Charles, I-I haven't been doing
well since you left, Charles.

I...

I have cancer.

Oh, my God, Mom.

Emotional cancer caused by you.

- Oh, my God! Mom!
- What?

When you left, a sadness took over me,

and you're the only one
who can make it go away!

Well, why can't Terry take care of you?

Terry can't even get bread.

I'm hungry.

See, that's why you need to be at home.

- I am home.
- I don't understand

how you turned out this way.

You know I need you, and you
won't even consider me,

your mother.

Fed you every day,
kept you in nice clothes,

kept a roof over
your head all by myself!

And now look at you...
Ungrateful and selfish!

That... That's enough. I'm sorry.

I promised Charles
I wouldn't say anything,

but I cannot sit idly by

and listen to you
badmouth this young man.

Now, Sergeant, all due respect, sir,

but you haven't been in his life.

You have no right
to criticize his choices.

You also seem to be turning your
girls into very strange robots.

They have not blinked one time,
and I'm terrified.

Thank you for your service.

Terry, hey, very difficult
to respect anybody

who has no respect for themselves.

- No offense to you.
- Oh, none taken.

You should be offended by that, Terry.

That's the whole point.
No, never mind. Never mind.

Madam, you are an emotionally
manipulative narcissist.

I know. No, 'cause that's what I am.

Now I see why Charles was drawn
to me in the first place.

This is all he's known his entire life.

Except with Jim, I get paid.

You're darn right he does.

This genius here helped me
build a podcast juggernaut.

Go ahead. Tell them how much
money you made last year.

$600,000.

600 thousa... $600,000?

I made $400,000.

The 60/40 split is in your favor?

I do most of the work.

Oh, we're gonna put a pin
in this conversation.

No, we're gonna revisit it later.

Well, now I have some things
I'd like to say.

That jacket you always wear
looks like the carpet

at a motel that charges by the hour.

Only a degenerate and a fool
would eat a stranger's ass.

And any man who does must
be compensating

for his tiny pecker!

I have been told that I am
exactly average by sex workers

around the world
in 16 different languages, okay?

So now that we both had our turn...

Oh, no, I'm just warming up.

Let me tell you something else,
Mr. Announcer.

Don't bother. We're leaving.

I'm sorry for the way I left,

but this dinner
made me realize why I did it.

Now I'm gonna go back
to my house that I own.

I love you all. Except Terry.

Ch... Hey, is the house
in your name, too?

It is, isn't it? Because we're
gonna have to have

a serious talk about my finances.

In what I thought was a partnership.

Thanks for standing up for me.

Well, Charles, I know what it's like

to not be seen by your family.

And, you know, I don't always give you

the credit that you deserve,

but, uh, as a man
with a prodigious ego,

let me pay you the highest
possible compliment that I can.

Charles, you are almost
as talented as I am.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, thanks, Jim.

- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Whoa, whoa.

I got one more gift for you.

Jim, if there's another
prostitute in here,

I swear I'm gonna lose my shit.

I...

Hmm.

604s?

Oh, yeah.

I thought I got the last pair
of 11s in the city.

What can I say?
I have friends in high places.

Did you call Joe Buck?

I called Joe Buck.

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