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1
00:00:04,196 --> 00:00:08,432
Behold my door, bitche...
2
00:00:08,567 --> 00:00:10,432
Previously on "You Me Her"...
3
00:00:10,437 --> 00:00:13,705
They bought you a
door. How, uh, romantic.
4
00:00:13,740 --> 00:00:17,041
It's a beautiful, bright-orange
symbol of our love,
5
00:00:17,077 --> 00:00:18,810
and clearly, you don't
get it, so shut up.
6
00:00:18,845 --> 00:00:20,444
Do you have any sequel ideas for me?
7
00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:21,791
I mean, you're the writer in the family.
8
00:00:21,815 --> 00:00:23,748
I'd say, that's...
9
00:00:23,783 --> 00:00:28,086
Word around campus is that
you're quite suddenly pansexual.
10
00:00:28,121 --> 00:00:30,321
Dare you to ask out the
next human who's into you.
11
00:00:30,356 --> 00:00:32,890
- Hey.
- Uh, do you want to hang out?
12
00:00:34,828 --> 00:00:36,460
Fuck, I am so sorry.
13
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:37,907
I'm straight. Like, weirdly straight.
14
00:00:37,931 --> 00:00:39,130
We can still be friends.
15
00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,464
I fucked up so bad.
16
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,066
I wish I could just go back in time
17
00:00:42,102 --> 00:00:44,901
and do what I wanted to
do in the first place.
18
00:00:44,937 --> 00:00:47,137
- HOA violation?
- HOA violation?
19
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,473
Fuck Lala! Fuck Hawthorne Heights!
20
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:51,908
Any sober second thoughts?
21
00:00:51,944 --> 00:00:54,077
Do you see any sober people around here?
22
00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:57,280
... 3!
23
00:00:57,315 --> 00:00:59,482
Holy shit.
24
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:07,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
25
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:13,997
Holy shit, we just egged the
holy fuck out of Lala's door.
26
00:01:18,502 --> 00:01:19,969
Fuck!
27
00:01:20,084 --> 00:01:21,550
We should run, right?
28
00:01:21,585 --> 00:01:23,285
- Move your ass!
- Ooh!
29
00:01:25,422 --> 00:01:26,922
Oh, my God!
30
00:01:30,627 --> 00:01:33,896
- Shh!
- Who's there?
31
00:01:37,235 --> 00:01:38,633
I can hear you!
32
00:01:38,669 --> 00:01:42,071
I'm not afraid to use this paddle!
33
00:01:42,106 --> 00:01:43,638
Wow, that was close.
34
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:44,907
Did she see you?
35
00:01:44,942 --> 00:01:46,842
No, no, I don't think so.
36
00:01:50,848 --> 00:01:52,280
Oh!
37
00:01:52,315 --> 00:01:55,751
These were good eggs thrown by bad eggs!
38
00:01:55,786 --> 00:01:58,987
A lot of people will go
hungry tomorrow for breakfast!
39
00:02:08,832 --> 00:02:12,401
So, how'd I do?
40
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:15,169
Did I pass?
41
00:02:15,205 --> 00:02:16,605
Did you pass what?
42
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,640
Well, did I prove that I could...
43
00:02:18,675 --> 00:02:20,776
I could do the wrong
thing when it's called for?
44
00:02:20,811 --> 00:02:23,011
Uh, the only thing that you proved
45
00:02:23,046 --> 00:02:24,812
is that you throw like a frail child...
46
00:02:24,847 --> 00:02:26,580
that has to throw with his left hand
47
00:02:26,616 --> 00:02:28,816
because his right one is in a cast.
48
00:02:28,851 --> 00:02:31,251
And the child is blind.
49
00:02:31,287 --> 00:02:32,953
Wow, that's it. Thank you.
50
00:02:32,988 --> 00:02:34,655
- You're welcome.
- Anything else?
51
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:37,591
Hmm... nope. Okay.
52
00:02:37,627 --> 00:02:38,959
Interesting.
53
00:02:38,994 --> 00:02:40,461
Well, then.
54
00:02:40,496 --> 00:02:42,930
Yep.
55
00:02:47,537 --> 00:02:50,805
Oh!
56
00:02:53,709 --> 00:02:55,275
You... dick.
57
00:02:55,311 --> 00:02:57,877
Just gonna comb your hair for you.
58
00:03:00,649 --> 00:03:03,483
Okay.
59
00:03:03,518 --> 00:03:05,285
Hey.
60
00:03:05,321 --> 00:03:07,354
You know, even, uh...
61
00:03:07,389 --> 00:03:10,690
even with the whole test-drive thing...
62
00:03:10,725 --> 00:03:12,292
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
63
00:03:12,328 --> 00:03:14,962
And, uh, the just-friends handshake...
64
00:03:14,997 --> 00:03:18,298
uh, I had fun.
65
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,866
Me, too.
66
00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:22,802
I haven't said those three
words much over the past year.
67
00:03:22,838 --> 00:03:25,705
And, uh... in that exact order...
68
00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:28,408
um... never?
69
00:03:28,444 --> 00:03:29,676
Sad.
70
00:03:29,711 --> 00:03:31,478
Yeah.
71
00:03:31,513 --> 00:03:33,346
Um, maybe we both needed it.
72
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:36,648
I will... I, uh...
73
00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:39,585
So, see you on the playground.
74
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,653
Not if I see you first, nerd.
75
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,756
- Ooh. Okay.
- Yeah, 'cause...
76
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,336
Oh! Ow!
77
00:03:57,372 --> 00:03:59,005
That was my toe!
78
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,406
- Shh! Shh!
- What are you doing?
79
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,509
Hey. Shh!
80
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,545
Why is your hair sticky?
81
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,614
Is that egg?
82
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:11,884
What, did you and
Nina have an egg fight?
83
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,752
Oh, God, I smell egg hair.
84
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,554
Oh, my God, now I said "egg hair,"
85
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,789
and that sounds even
grosser than it smells.
86
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,998
What's that smell?
87
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,970
Ow.
88
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,316
Good morning.
89
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,585
Hey!
90
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,486
Coffee me, please.
91
00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:51,789
Look... Egg Head's awake.
92
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:55,426
Ooh, you look tired, dearest.
93
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,994
Nathan and I worked late.
94
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,163
We encountered a box full of shit...
95
00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:01,666
Eggs?
96
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,434
Very funny.
97
00:05:03,549 --> 00:05:06,250
Of shitty confiscated booze, okay?
98
00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:09,353
And then I woke up between you two.
99
00:05:09,388 --> 00:05:11,155
What kept you out so late?
100
00:05:11,190 --> 00:05:13,323
- What?
- You and Nathan.
101
00:05:13,359 --> 00:05:16,526
Oh, just, you know, guiding kids...
102
00:05:16,561 --> 00:05:18,427
- counseling them, if you will.
- Mm.
103
00:05:18,463 --> 00:05:20,897
As a guidance counselor,
you both guide and counsel.
104
00:05:20,932 --> 00:05:22,532
It's impressive.
105
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:25,101
Um, can I have the creamer,
106
00:05:25,137 --> 00:05:27,704
- or will there be more waterboarding?
- Mm.
107
00:05:27,739 --> 00:05:29,338
And more dental with "Marathon Man."
108
00:05:29,374 --> 00:05:30,685
You know what I could go
for is, like, an omelet
109
00:05:31,109 --> 00:05:32,208
- if we had like seven or eight eggs.
- Mm, yeah, I love eggs...
110
00:05:32,243 --> 00:05:35,111
fried eggs, scrambled eggs.
111
00:05:35,147 --> 00:05:37,547
Yeah. Do you have any more
on your head, by any chance?
112
00:05:37,582 --> 00:05:39,060
Speaking of anything other than eggs,
113
00:05:39,084 --> 00:05:40,283
if you guys are done...
114
00:05:40,318 --> 00:05:41,551
No more yolks.
115
00:05:41,586 --> 00:05:43,186
... I was going over the, um...
116
00:05:43,221 --> 00:05:44,799
the guest list for
the anniversary party,
117
00:05:44,823 --> 00:05:47,390
and I thought... I
thought since your mom
118
00:05:47,425 --> 00:05:49,725
is already in town,
why don't we invite her?
119
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,460
No. Uh, first of all, there's no way
120
00:05:51,496 --> 00:05:53,362
that Jo just happens to be here, okay?
121
00:05:53,398 --> 00:05:57,233
Gabe lured her here for the sole
purpose of ruining my life, so no.
122
00:05:57,268 --> 00:05:58,734
Plot foiled this time, okay?
123
00:05:58,769 --> 00:06:00,760
- This guy is not falling for that shit again.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
124
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,205
What's that?
125
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,540
Sheriff Lala is fining
us for Izzy's door.
126
00:06:04,576 --> 00:06:07,810
Apparently, Marigold 142
isn't an HOA-approved color.
127
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,144
What?
128
00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:11,447
Where does she get the balls?!
129
00:06:11,482 --> 00:06:13,349
Give me that.
130
00:06:16,020 --> 00:06:18,053
- Fuck this!
- Yeah, fuck that.
131
00:06:18,089 --> 00:06:19,655
Fuck it!
132
00:06:19,691 --> 00:06:23,325
We're not just gonna bend
over and take it from this...
133
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,894
Draconian She-Devil!
134
00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:28,130
This is America, God damn it,
135
00:06:28,165 --> 00:06:31,666
and that door represents our lives,
136
00:06:31,702 --> 00:06:34,669
our family, and our freedom!
137
00:06:34,705 --> 00:06:37,272
And scene. A-plus on the outrage.
138
00:06:37,307 --> 00:06:39,608
I demand to be a part
of whatever revenge
139
00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:41,009
you two are plotting,
140
00:06:41,045 --> 00:06:43,145
but right now, in this moment, I d...
141
00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:46,982
I... I do... I... I... I
have to go to work, so...
142
00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:48,250
I love you. Goodbye.
143
00:06:48,285 --> 00:06:50,219
I love you, too.
144
00:06:52,623 --> 00:06:55,257
First, they come for my Binge Club.
145
00:06:55,292 --> 00:06:57,358
- Then they come for my...
- Oh, honey, I don't think
146
00:06:57,393 --> 00:06:59,794
you should reference a
poem about the Holocaust
147
00:06:59,829 --> 00:07:01,863
when you're talking
about an HOA kerfuffle.
148
00:07:01,898 --> 00:07:03,430
Point taken.
149
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,010
No, but someone's got to
stop Lala's reign of terror,
150
00:07:05,034 --> 00:07:07,168
and that somebody is us. I'm serious.
151
00:07:07,203 --> 00:07:09,203
Yeah, well, I didn't think
we would outsource it.
152
00:07:09,239 --> 00:07:11,172
So, what's the plan?
153
00:07:11,207 --> 00:07:13,307
Good, old-fashioned shoe leather.
154
00:07:13,342 --> 00:07:15,287
We're gonna start a petition
for a special election.
155
00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:16,622
Then we're gonna split up and canvass.
156
00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:18,379
I mean, this is about
more than just a door.
157
00:07:18,414 --> 00:07:20,547
This is about our right to be edgy.
158
00:07:20,583 --> 00:07:22,383
"Marigold... we won't fold."
159
00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:24,551
What do you think of that?
160
00:07:24,587 --> 00:07:27,889
- It's not bad.
- "Marigold... we won't fold."
161
00:07:27,924 --> 00:07:29,723
I've heard worse.
162
00:07:40,369 --> 00:07:43,837
Note to self... drinking
confiscated booze
163
00:07:43,872 --> 00:07:46,039
never, ever, ever
leads to anything good.
164
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:48,409
Unh-unh. No.
165
00:07:48,444 --> 00:07:51,645
I feel like that truth
should have been self-evident,
166
00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:54,682
but clearly, it was not.
167
00:07:54,717 --> 00:07:57,050
Not at all.
168
00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,385
Um...
169
00:07:58,421 --> 00:08:01,689
So, about last night, as they say...
170
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:03,357
Mm-hmm.
171
00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:04,758
We didn't kiss, did we?
172
00:08:04,794 --> 00:08:06,159
- What?
- What?
173
00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:08,361
No, ew!
174
00:08:08,396 --> 00:08:09,896
No, sorry! Not "ew."
175
00:08:09,932 --> 00:08:14,234
Just... just, uh... just
one... just a regular no.
176
00:08:14,269 --> 00:08:17,537
So, then, we didn't
really egg a house, right?
177
00:08:17,572 --> 00:08:20,073
Oh, no, we... we definitely did that.
178
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,775
Yeah, no, we did the fuck out of that.
179
00:08:22,811 --> 00:08:25,077
- Shit.
- What?
180
00:08:25,813 --> 00:08:29,115
I don't know yet, but
there will be shit.
181
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,901
For the record, I hate humming.
182
00:08:48,956 --> 00:08:51,190
Oh, come on, nobody hates humming.
183
00:08:51,225 --> 00:08:53,425
Well, maybe something
bad happened to me,
184
00:08:53,461 --> 00:08:55,572
and, I don't know, somebody
was humming while it happened.
185
00:08:55,596 --> 00:08:57,429
Aw, that's sad.
186
00:08:57,465 --> 00:08:59,331
I hum when I'm really happy,
187
00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:01,433
and you make me hum.
188
00:09:01,469 --> 00:09:03,735
Oh, right, you didn't brush
your teeth this morning?
189
00:09:03,770 --> 00:09:07,206
Not the point I was making, but...
190
00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:09,274
Hey, do you want a ride to work?
191
00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:10,575
I got a crazy busy day ahead,
192
00:09:10,611 --> 00:09:13,411
- but I could easily just swing by...
- No, I'm not getting out of bed.
193
00:09:13,446 --> 00:09:16,381
Nice! Oh, stayed in bed 'cause you can.
194
00:09:16,416 --> 00:09:20,284
I can dig that. Oh... hey. Right.
195
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,620
I'm gonna need a rain
check on noodle night.
196
00:09:22,655 --> 00:09:24,755
Yeah, totes sad, but I
start interviews tomorrow,
197
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:27,291
and I got a whole stack of
r�sum�s to get through, so...
198
00:09:27,327 --> 00:09:28,971
Well, it doesn't matter
'cause the only way
199
00:09:28,995 --> 00:09:30,873
I'd be eating noodles is if
you brought them right here.
200
00:09:30,897 --> 00:09:32,397
Cool, cool, cool.
201
00:09:32,432 --> 00:09:33,564
Going after the big white whale,
202
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,878
the stuff of myth and lore...
never-get-out-of-bed day.
203
00:09:37,404 --> 00:09:39,037
Well, you know where to find me...
204
00:09:39,072 --> 00:09:41,272
just waiting for someone
to realize how empty
205
00:09:41,307 --> 00:09:43,607
and pointless life is without me.
206
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:45,376
Yeah, you betcha.
207
00:09:45,412 --> 00:09:47,110
Okay, I'll check in with you later.
208
00:09:49,781 --> 00:09:52,382
Well, enjoy walking upright, barkeep,
209
00:09:52,418 --> 00:09:55,252
'cause you're gonna be
crawling back soon enough.
210
00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:57,754
Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mm.
211
00:09:57,789 --> 00:10:01,058
Were you just talking to somebody?
212
00:10:01,093 --> 00:10:02,392
What? No.
213
00:10:02,428 --> 00:10:04,894
You didn't just do
an evil-villain laugh?
214
00:10:04,930 --> 00:10:06,463
No.
215
00:10:06,498 --> 00:10:08,798
Just... just go.
216
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,833
Go.
217
00:10:16,141 --> 00:10:18,508
Okay, this might take a while.
218
00:10:18,544 --> 00:10:21,311
Fuck.
219
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,853
Hey, Layne.
220
00:10:30,889 --> 00:10:33,289
Hi, dick.
221
00:10:33,324 --> 00:10:36,325
Suck my balls, Trakarsky!
222
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,527
Fuck you!
223
00:10:46,004 --> 00:10:48,237
Hey.
224
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:53,576
Did the, uh, class president
just tell you to suck her balls?
225
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,044
It's all good.
226
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,814
Just everyone hates the homophobic
asshole who fucked over Alex,
227
00:10:58,849 --> 00:11:00,427
and death could come
swiftly from any direction.
228
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,817
Okay.
229
00:11:01,852 --> 00:11:04,220
I feel like that's a
little bit of an exagg...
230
00:11:07,024 --> 00:11:08,924
Whoa.
231
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,792
Yeah.
232
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:16,698
Oh, so, this is the
petition nobody's signing.
233
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:19,935
Uh, no, we have gotten off
to a bit of a slow start,
234
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:21,437
but, um, the tide is turning.
235
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,606
You know, once you...
with your signature,
236
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:27,009
that pen's gonna turn into a
sword of tolerance and freedom.
237
00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:28,744
Oh, I thought it was about your door.
238
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:30,245
It is about my door.
239
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:31,879
But it's a slippery slope, right?
240
00:11:31,914 --> 00:11:33,448
- Mm.
- Yeah.
241
00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:35,416
You have to decide for
yourself whether you want
242
00:11:35,452 --> 00:11:38,953
this power-hungry authoritarian
to start dictating our lives.
243
00:11:38,988 --> 00:11:40,622
Yeah, see, I'm not really like that...
244
00:11:40,657 --> 00:11:42,290
all political and speechy.
245
00:11:42,325 --> 00:11:43,591
I didn't even vote last time.
246
00:11:43,627 --> 00:11:45,126
Ooh, okay.
247
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:46,961
Yeah, normally, I would be very upset
248
00:11:46,996 --> 00:11:49,275
by your apathy, but right now,
I just need you to sign that.
249
00:11:49,299 --> 00:11:50,643
Can you just put, like, an initials...
250
00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:52,967
or, like, even a smiley
face is sufficient.
251
00:11:53,002 --> 00:11:55,236
I really don't want to
get sideways with Lala,
252
00:11:55,272 --> 00:11:57,238
and what with Marigold 142
253
00:11:57,274 --> 00:11:59,240
being the official color of swingers...
254
00:11:59,276 --> 00:12:00,642
No. What? No, it's not.
255
00:12:00,677 --> 00:12:02,210
Well, I mean, who's to say?
256
00:12:02,245 --> 00:12:03,778
Me. I'm to say.
257
00:12:03,813 --> 00:12:05,390
That's not... there's no
official color of swingers.
258
00:12:05,414 --> 00:12:06,891
They did say that you were
gonna get loud and aggressive.
259
00:12:06,915 --> 00:12:08,315
Who's "they"?
260
00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:09,727
What do you mean by
"loud and aggressive"?
261
00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:11,218
I'm gonna go now. Okay. Bye.
262
00:12:11,253 --> 00:12:12,653
- "Loud and aggressive"?!
- Bye.
263
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,256
I haven't even... "Loud and aggressive"?
264
00:12:16,292 --> 00:12:19,459
Fuck you! I am loud and aggressive.
265
00:12:19,495 --> 00:12:21,928
You know what? I'm sorry.
266
00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:23,330
Sorry I'm late.
267
00:12:23,365 --> 00:12:24,842
Yeah, well, thank
God. I was going crazy.
268
00:12:24,866 --> 00:12:26,833
Walk with me.
269
00:12:26,868 --> 00:12:28,402
Wow!
270
00:12:28,437 --> 00:12:30,937
- Oh, that's Dave.
- Aww!
271
00:12:30,972 --> 00:12:32,739
He has a gift for flashy apologies,
272
00:12:32,774 --> 00:12:36,443
but there are many, many miles
between that man and "aww."
273
00:12:36,478 --> 00:12:38,612
That is so... so...
274
00:12:38,647 --> 00:12:40,079
You know what?
275
00:12:40,114 --> 00:12:41,447
I don't even know, but whatever
276
00:12:41,482 --> 00:12:42,959
'cause what I really
need is a signature.
277
00:12:42,983 --> 00:12:44,450
Oh, and we're back to you.
278
00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:46,185
- Okay.
- Oh, no, just... just sign it.
279
00:12:46,221 --> 00:12:48,120
- May I read it first?
- Why?
280
00:12:48,155 --> 00:12:49,633
Because I want to know what I'm signing!
281
00:12:49,657 --> 00:12:51,357
- But it's me.
- Oh, yeah, no.
282
00:12:51,392 --> 00:12:53,270
What do you mean "yeah,
no"? Are you kidding me?
283
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:54,793
Your door is stupid.
284
00:12:54,829 --> 00:12:57,263
There's a reason HOAs
create approved-color lists,
285
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,198
and that eyesore is Exhibit A.
286
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:00,766
What happened to your rebel spirit?
287
00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:03,469
What about any of this
screams "rebel" to you?
288
00:13:03,504 --> 00:13:06,606
My God! Slow your roll, Norma Gay.
289
00:13:06,641 --> 00:13:08,307
- I'm bi.
- Doesn't rhyme.
290
00:13:08,343 --> 00:13:11,143
This isn't about being gay,
bi, poly, or trapezoidal.
291
00:13:11,178 --> 00:13:13,678
This is about you not
selecting one of 42
292
00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:16,782
HOA-approved colors...
colors you and I voted on
293
00:13:16,817 --> 00:13:18,528
so that people wouldn't
trash the neighborhood
294
00:13:18,552 --> 00:13:20,552
with stupid doors like yours.
295
00:13:20,587 --> 00:13:21,820
See, that rhymes.
296
00:13:21,856 --> 00:13:24,223
Izzy picked it.
297
00:13:24,258 --> 00:13:26,158
I forgot about the list.
298
00:13:29,529 --> 00:13:31,130
You know, you are the best
299
00:13:31,165 --> 00:13:34,867
I've ever seen at whatever it is you do.
300
00:13:34,902 --> 00:13:37,870
Is it drawing... buildings?
301
00:13:37,905 --> 00:13:39,504
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Um...
302
00:13:39,539 --> 00:13:41,306
But this right now...
what you're doing now,
303
00:13:41,341 --> 00:13:43,142
the... the whole neighborhood thing?
304
00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:45,377
You don't want to treat
this like a corporation,
305
00:13:45,412 --> 00:13:47,345
like, uh, you're leaving a body count
306
00:13:47,381 --> 00:13:50,815
on your ruthless climb
to the corner office.
307
00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:53,084
Lala is not the enemy.
308
00:13:53,119 --> 00:13:55,754
Did you know that she owns that
little hippie shop on the square
309
00:13:55,789 --> 00:13:58,156
with the soap and the candles
and the groovy hemp skirts?
310
00:13:58,191 --> 00:13:59,424
Oh, of course she does.
311
00:13:59,459 --> 00:14:01,559
Okay.
312
00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:03,361
Just try not to destroy anybody, okay?
313
00:14:03,397 --> 00:14:04,596
- Okay.
- Snacks are there.
314
00:14:04,631 --> 00:14:06,698
Uh... I'm gonna grab my stuff.
315
00:14:06,733 --> 00:14:07,932
Thank you, thank you.
316
00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:09,834
- Bye, girls!
- Bye!
317
00:14:09,869 --> 00:14:11,770
Have a good day!
318
00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:17,175
I miss you.
319
00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:19,711
Poop!
320
00:14:19,746 --> 00:14:23,026
There we go. Callie, you
can wipe her butt, right?
321
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:25,529
Wow, really feeling the
secondhand hate here.
322
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,164
Oh, hear that?
323
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,666
My new-girl card just
spontaneously burst into flames.
324
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,236
Look, I got to find Alex.
I got to talk to him.
325
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:35,473
Oh, good timing.
326
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,542
- Hey, man, I...
- Hey, fuck you, "man."
327
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,877
Who does that shit in 2019 Portland?
328
00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:43,425
- Alex, I said I was sorry. I...
- Dragging me into your frat-bro scheme
329
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,816
to get the girl or whatever...
I mean, that's bad enough.
330
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:47,384
But egging my house...
331
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,253
You... you egged his house?
332
00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:50,988
- When?
- Somebody egged your house?
333
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,236
You scared the shit out
of my mom last night,
334
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,892
you raging psychopath.
335
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,595
At least fucking own it.
336
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,264
Look, this is my problem.
337
00:15:01,299 --> 00:15:04,400
Don't follow me, okay?
338
00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:06,169
Gabriel.
339
00:15:06,204 --> 00:15:08,605
We both know you didn't egg
any houses last night, okay?
340
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:09,884
Why didn't you just say something?
341
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:11,574
Same reason you didn't.
342
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:13,610
Because I would get high-fives
343
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,578
and... and you wouldn't.
344
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,749
I'm the asshole here. I
knew you were straight.
345
00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:21,118
I dared you to prove
you weren't. It's stupid.
346
00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:22,585
Look, I'm not a puppet.
347
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:24,420
Yeah, but you're a teenage boy,
348
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:26,790
and it's not, like, that different.
349
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:29,359
Instead of strings, you have...
350
00:15:29,394 --> 00:15:30,926
you know.
351
00:15:30,962 --> 00:15:32,206
Look, I'll figure something out.
352
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,563
I just... I don't want you to...
353
00:15:33,598 --> 00:15:36,633
"I don't give a damn
about my reputation."
354
00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:39,035
- Runaways.
- Yeah.
355
00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:46,609
Look, I'll fix this.
356
00:16:05,296 --> 00:16:07,996
This fucking sucks...
357
00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,065
mostly.
358
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:21,142
Talk fast. I'm super busy
drinking alone in bed.
359
00:16:21,178 --> 00:16:23,778
- It's 12:30.
- I'm making a point.
360
00:16:23,814 --> 00:16:26,481
- That your life is really sad?
- No.
361
00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:28,183
I'm on a mission to remind Shaun
362
00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:29,851
that nothing matters without me.
363
00:16:29,886 --> 00:16:31,353
And how's that going so far?
364
00:16:31,388 --> 00:16:33,288
I'm getting worried
that I could rot here
365
00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:34,634
- and no one would notice.
- Okay, back to me.
366
00:16:34,658 --> 00:16:39,194
Anyway, um, remember my boss, Nathan?
367
00:16:39,229 --> 00:16:40,929
- Test-drive boyfriend?
- Whatever.
368
00:16:40,964 --> 00:16:44,265
Um, so, last night...
369
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,467
we made some...
370
00:16:46,502 --> 00:16:48,837
not-so-good choices.
371
00:16:48,872 --> 00:16:50,371
You fucked him?
372
00:16:50,406 --> 00:16:52,140
- N...
- Whoa, you are terrible,
373
00:16:52,175 --> 00:16:54,375
and I actually, uh, feel better already.
374
00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:56,878
No, I didn't fuck him, okay?
375
00:16:56,913 --> 00:16:58,512
We agreed that we were just friends,
376
00:16:58,548 --> 00:17:01,149
but then was this, like, almost-kiss,
377
00:17:01,184 --> 00:17:03,517
and I'm freaking out about it.
378
00:17:03,553 --> 00:17:05,319
Whatever, it's not
about the dude, anyway.
379
00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:07,622
- Explain.
- Everything you've said or done
380
00:17:07,657 --> 00:17:09,190
in the past couple of weeks
381
00:17:09,226 --> 00:17:11,558
screams that you are nowhere
near ready for the life
382
00:17:11,593 --> 00:17:12,971
that you're literally signing up for,
383
00:17:12,995 --> 00:17:14,394
so you're acting out.
384
00:17:14,429 --> 00:17:15,796
You're, uh, hoping someone else
385
00:17:15,831 --> 00:17:19,133
will make the decision for you.
386
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:21,468
- Still with me?
- Barely.
387
00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:23,003
Just sack up and tell the Griswolds
388
00:17:23,038 --> 00:17:24,315
that you don't want to
spend the rest of your life
389
00:17:24,339 --> 00:17:25,639
in Hawthorne Heights
390
00:17:25,674 --> 00:17:27,674
and that you do want
to have your own babies,
391
00:17:27,709 --> 00:17:29,910
and maybe let, um, what's-his-penis know
392
00:17:29,945 --> 00:17:31,845
that he's not the one before he says...
393
00:17:31,881 --> 00:17:34,481
- I need you.
- Huh?
394
00:17:34,516 --> 00:17:35,816
I got to go.
395
00:17:35,851 --> 00:17:37,584
What?
396
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:43,356
Gabriel got busted, and Principal Morgan
397
00:17:43,392 --> 00:17:44,891
wants to talk to him right now.
398
00:17:44,926 --> 00:17:46,726
- Why?
- Kid named Alex accused him
399
00:17:46,762 --> 00:17:48,561
of egging his house over a bad date,
400
00:17:48,597 --> 00:17:50,997
and there's a petition going
around calling it a hate crime
401
00:17:51,032 --> 00:17:54,167
and demanding Gabriel's expulsion.
402
00:17:54,202 --> 00:17:55,702
Shit.
403
00:17:55,737 --> 00:17:57,404
Yeah...
404
00:17:57,439 --> 00:17:59,572
lots of that.
405
00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:17,190
What's all this?
406
00:18:17,225 --> 00:18:19,192
Oh, egg hair.
407
00:18:19,227 --> 00:18:20,759
Huh?
408
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,195
Uh, somebody egged your house.
409
00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:23,996
Mostly the door.
410
00:18:29,304 --> 00:18:32,104
So, you know Alex just
came out last summer, right?
411
00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,773
He doesn't have the tools
to deal with any of this.
412
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,043
Oh, you think this is for him?
413
00:18:37,078 --> 00:18:38,410
Are you sure?
414
00:18:38,446 --> 00:18:40,612
'Cause Hawthorne Heights
is so progressive.
415
00:18:40,648 --> 00:18:42,215
Oh, you know what they say...
416
00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:44,884
hate hides everywhere...
417
00:18:44,919 --> 00:18:48,120
- sometimes in your own family.
- What is that supposed to mean?
418
00:18:48,156 --> 00:18:50,434
Alex went out and hung out with
a kid from school last night.
419
00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:51,835
When he came home, he was pissed off,
420
00:18:51,859 --> 00:18:53,892
but he didn't want to talk about it.
421
00:18:53,927 --> 00:18:55,593
And?
422
00:18:55,628 --> 00:18:59,397
And obviously, I went through
his phone, saw the kid's name...
423
00:18:59,432 --> 00:19:01,066
Gabriel.
424
00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:03,134
Only one of those at school.
425
00:19:03,170 --> 00:19:05,003
Same last name as you.
426
00:19:08,041 --> 00:19:09,674
Izzy. Izzy.
427
00:19:09,709 --> 00:19:11,442
Hold up.
428
00:19:11,478 --> 00:19:12,777
- Hold up!
- Why?
429
00:19:12,812 --> 00:19:14,612
We can't let Gabriel take the fall.
430
00:19:14,647 --> 00:19:16,147
Of course not, but...
431
00:19:16,183 --> 00:19:17,426
but let's hold a beat
and think this through.
432
00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:18,661
There's nothing to think about.
433
00:19:18,685 --> 00:19:21,486
Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.
434
00:19:21,521 --> 00:19:22,999
Well, then I'll tell
them it was just me.
435
00:19:23,023 --> 00:19:24,522
No! That's not happening.
436
00:19:24,557 --> 00:19:28,325
Okay, look... you confess, I confess.
437
00:19:28,361 --> 00:19:30,160
No. No.
438
00:19:30,196 --> 00:19:32,430
You have way more to lose.
439
00:19:32,465 --> 00:19:34,799
You sure about that?
440
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,712
Look, the three of you
just barely got that loan.
441
00:19:36,736 --> 00:19:38,636
And if they re-verify,
442
00:19:38,671 --> 00:19:41,171
you are going to lose the house.
443
00:19:41,207 --> 00:19:43,974
And I'm not just gonna get fired, Iz...
444
00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:45,643
No one's gonna hire me.
445
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:49,547
Why did I drag you into this?
446
00:19:49,582 --> 00:19:52,683
You didn't drag me into anything.
447
00:19:52,719 --> 00:19:54,952
I... I wanted to be with you.
448
00:19:54,987 --> 00:19:58,122
- Izzy? Izzy! Where the hell have you been?
- W... I w... I was, um...
449
00:19:58,157 --> 00:20:00,635
- We were... we were just discussing the...
- Oh, we were talking school.
450
00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:02,125
Okay, I don't care.
451
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,060
Um, Gabriel's innocent,
and I can prove it.
452
00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:07,531
- What? How?
- He was with me... all night.
453
00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:11,701
He's trying to protect
me, but fuck that.
454
00:20:11,737 --> 00:20:14,805
I'm nobody's damsel.
Look at the time stamp.
455
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,217
Egging happened around 2:00.
456
00:20:16,241 --> 00:20:17,719
Yeah, and we live on the northeast side.
457
00:20:17,743 --> 00:20:20,076
So, he couldn't have done it.
458
00:20:20,111 --> 00:20:21,344
No.
459
00:20:21,379 --> 00:20:24,047
Okay, come with me.
460
00:20:24,082 --> 00:20:26,015
That's what I said.
461
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,826
Dude, what the fuck?
462
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:38,727
I told you I didn't want to talk to him.
463
00:20:38,763 --> 00:20:40,207
- Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Watch it!
464
00:20:40,231 --> 00:20:43,933
Language, please.
465
00:20:43,969 --> 00:20:48,237
I just got off the phone
with your grandmother, Sasha.
466
00:20:48,273 --> 00:20:49,672
And she backed you up.
467
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:53,542
You two are cleared. You got this?
468
00:20:53,578 --> 00:20:56,058
- Yep, thank you, Principal Morgan.
- Thanks, Principal Morgan.
469
00:20:58,316 --> 00:21:00,583
I am so sorry.
470
00:21:00,618 --> 00:21:02,418
Still a dick move, using you like that.
471
00:21:02,454 --> 00:21:03,697
Oh, yeah, you're a massive choad,
472
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,388
no doubt about that, but...
473
00:21:05,423 --> 00:21:07,357
- Choad?
- ... I don't know, if I were straight,
474
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:08,958
I'd probably fake gay for her, too.
475
00:21:08,993 --> 00:21:13,061
Oh, my God. That is so
weird and flattering.
476
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:15,531
- I...
- Will you please be my gay best friend?
477
00:21:15,566 --> 00:21:18,033
Um, I'll put you on the
waiting list, I guess.
478
00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:20,102
It's like we're not even here.
479
00:21:20,137 --> 00:21:21,370
Oh, get used to it.
480
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,138
We reverted to being lamps
481
00:21:23,173 --> 00:21:24,785
and furniture once the
threat was gone, so...
482
00:21:24,809 --> 00:21:26,408
Mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
483
00:21:45,996 --> 00:21:49,797
It's just you.
484
00:21:49,833 --> 00:21:52,467
Mm.
485
00:21:52,503 --> 00:21:54,636
Shaun hasn't realized he
can't live without you?
486
00:21:54,671 --> 00:21:56,405
I think this thing backfired
487
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,007
and actually proved the exact opposite.
488
00:21:59,043 --> 00:22:00,509
Okay.
489
00:22:00,544 --> 00:22:02,610
Let's get you up, walk
you around a little bit,
490
00:22:02,646 --> 00:22:05,147
break up the blood clots, air you out.
491
00:22:09,653 --> 00:22:11,153
Okay.
492
00:22:11,188 --> 00:22:15,290
So, once you're off the bed for
any other reason other than beer...
493
00:22:15,325 --> 00:22:16,758
- Unh, nah.
- It's over?
494
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,626
No, you see, I never
lose at Bed Battles,
495
00:22:19,662 --> 00:22:22,430
and lucky for jou, I'm not in the mood.
496
00:22:22,465 --> 00:22:23,764
Okay? So... Ow! Ow!
497
00:22:23,799 --> 00:22:25,466
Mmf!
498
00:22:25,501 --> 00:22:26,945
Shouldn't you be fixing the
latest crisis you caused?
499
00:22:26,969 --> 00:22:28,169
Oh, I already did.
500
00:22:28,204 --> 00:22:29,870
I'm still riding the relief buzz.
501
00:22:29,905 --> 00:22:32,139
This is me being here for you!
502
00:22:32,175 --> 00:22:36,444
I'm really struggling
to see it that way!
503
00:22:36,479 --> 00:22:39,213
I'm liberating you from a
prison of your own making!
504
00:22:39,248 --> 00:22:42,627
Bullshit! You're just annoying
me more aggressively than usual!
505
00:22:42,651 --> 00:22:45,553
- Oh! Yeah!
- No, no!
506
00:22:45,588 --> 00:22:46,987
- Yes!
- No!
507
00:22:47,022 --> 00:22:48,556
- No, no, no!
- Yes, yes!
508
00:22:48,591 --> 00:22:49,868
What's that? What's that... sorry?
509
00:22:49,892 --> 00:22:51,324
I can't hear you. What'd you say?
510
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:52,637
I'm better than you at everything,
511
00:22:52,661 --> 00:22:54,327
including being smart and pretty?
512
00:22:54,362 --> 00:22:55,662
Oh, my God, stop.
513
00:22:55,698 --> 00:22:58,999
- You don't need to s...
- Yes!
514
00:22:59,034 --> 00:23:02,469
The new Bed Battle
champion of the world... me!
515
00:23:04,509 --> 00:23:06,944
You're absolutely certain
that this is you helping me?
516
00:23:06,979 --> 00:23:10,025
Yeah. And here's the payoff...
you'll never be alone,
517
00:23:10,049 --> 00:23:11,860
and you'll always be
needed 'cause you've got me.
518
00:23:11,884 --> 00:23:15,385
Okay, stop threatening
me, and get off my bed!
519
00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:17,320
Uh, this is my bed now, loser.
520
00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:20,390
Aah!
521
00:23:45,683 --> 00:23:51,253
Uh, hard fucking lessons,
tough love, baby doll.
522
00:23:51,288 --> 00:23:53,856
Stop looking at me like that!
You're gonna judge me now?
523
00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,157
Jesus Christ.
524
00:23:55,192 --> 00:23:56,403
Maybe I'm saving it for our date!
525
00:23:56,427 --> 00:23:58,393
Did you think of that?
526
00:23:58,429 --> 00:24:00,495
Dick.
527
00:24:03,366 --> 00:24:05,900
So, yeah, that's when Sasha
saved us with those selfies.
528
00:24:07,437 --> 00:24:09,437
I'm so happy to have that behind us.
529
00:24:09,472 --> 00:24:12,107
Nah, I wouldn't say
it's behind us just yet.
530
00:24:12,142 --> 00:24:13,775
- Well, I would.
- Yeah, that's true.
531
00:24:13,810 --> 00:24:15,276
Lala's door didn't egg itself.
532
00:24:15,311 --> 00:24:16,845
No.
533
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,691
I mean, I... I assume it's a
kid, right, because honestly,
534
00:24:18,715 --> 00:24:20,949
what adult would do something
so idiotic and immature?
535
00:24:20,984 --> 00:24:22,517
- Right.
- Mm-hmm.
536
00:24:22,552 --> 00:24:24,097
Certainly not someone in
this neighborhood, right?
537
00:24:24,121 --> 00:24:25,419
Oh, no.
538
00:24:25,455 --> 00:24:26,921
Talk about shitting where you sleep.
539
00:24:26,957 --> 00:24:28,222
- It's vexing, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
540
00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:29,924
I know. We'll probably never know.
541
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,760
It's a mystery for the ages.
542
00:24:31,795 --> 00:24:33,194
- Theories will abound.
- Mm.
543
00:24:33,229 --> 00:24:35,929
Podcasts will be produced, probably.
544
00:24:41,671 --> 00:24:44,405
Well, I wonder who that could be.
545
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,440
I don't know, honey. Let's find out.
546
00:24:46,476 --> 00:24:48,543
Why are you guys being weird?
547
00:24:52,348 --> 00:24:53,581
Oh, Iz!
548
00:24:53,616 --> 00:24:55,316
It's Lala, and she brought a movie.
549
00:24:55,351 --> 00:24:57,918
Okay. What kind of movie?
550
00:24:57,953 --> 00:24:59,953
A mash-up of my two favorite genres...
551
00:24:59,989 --> 00:25:02,056
true crime and found footage...
552
00:25:02,091 --> 00:25:05,293
from my neighbor's security camera.
553
00:25:05,328 --> 00:25:06,926
I'll get the popcorn.
554
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:15,000
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
555
00:25:16,305 --> 00:25:22,474
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