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1
00:00:02,983 --> 00:00:07,249
(music) Thank you for being a friend
2
00:00:07,321 --> 00:00:11,257
(music) Traveled down the road and back again
3
00:00:11,325 --> 00:00:12,724
(music) Your heart is true
4
00:00:12,793 --> 00:00:17,662
(music) You're a pal and a confidant
5
00:00:17,731 --> 00:00:21,724
(music) And if you threw a party
6
00:00:21,802 --> 00:00:26,068
(music) Invited everyone you knew
7
00:00:26,139 --> 00:00:27,868
(music) You would see
8
00:00:27,941 --> 00:00:30,535
(music) The biggest gift would be from me
9
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,475
(music) And the card attached would say
10
00:00:32,546 --> 00:00:37,108
(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)
11
00:00:56,036 --> 00:00:57,901
[Door closes]
12
00:00:57,971 --> 00:01:01,873
Hi, Ma. Oh, something
smells terrific. What is it?
13
00:01:01,942 --> 00:01:04,740
Spaghetti sauce. Here, have a taste.
14
00:01:05,512 --> 00:01:07,673
Mmm. Delicious.
15
00:01:07,748 --> 00:01:11,149
Delicious? This is the reason
your father and I got married.
16
00:01:12,018 --> 00:01:15,749
Girls, do you realize it has been
eight days since I've had a date?
17
00:01:15,822 --> 00:01:18,188
Do you realize it's been
eight days since I had...
18
00:01:18,258 --> 00:01:20,453
Ma, please.
19
00:01:20,527 --> 00:01:22,290
Whatever it is, keep it to yourself.
20
00:01:22,362 --> 00:01:24,387
That's my problem.
21
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,958
I don't understand.
22
00:01:28,034 --> 00:01:32,733
I just don't seem to be able
to attract as many men as I used to.
23
00:01:32,806 --> 00:01:34,831
Maybe it's just
the beginning of the end.
24
00:01:34,908 --> 00:01:38,639
Maybe I'll never have another
date again, as long as I live.
25
00:01:38,712 --> 00:01:41,306
Don't be ridiculous. Not you, Blanche.
26
00:01:41,381 --> 00:01:44,942
[Blanche] You're right.
I am being ridiculous.
27
00:01:45,018 --> 00:01:48,977
If anybody never has another
date, it'll probably be you.
28
00:01:50,957 --> 00:01:53,983
Thank you, Dorothy.
I feel so much better.
29
00:01:55,562 --> 00:01:56,551
[Rose] Hi, girls.
30
00:01:56,630 --> 00:01:58,564
Guess what I'll be doing for three hours
31
00:01:58,632 --> 00:02:00,395
every Tuesday and Thursday night?
32
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:02,401
Cutting up your black pantyhose
33
00:02:02,469 --> 00:02:05,404
and putting on
an Amos 'n Andy puppet show?
34
00:02:06,106 --> 00:02:09,872
No, but what a great idea.
35
00:02:09,943 --> 00:02:13,174
Terrific, now you have something
to do on Wednesdays.
36
00:02:13,246 --> 00:02:15,840
Okey-dokey.
37
00:02:15,916 --> 00:02:19,682
Do you know that promotion I was
up for at the counseling center?
38
00:02:19,753 --> 00:02:22,722
Well, I found out I can't have
it unless I become bilingual.
39
00:02:22,789 --> 00:02:25,656
Oh, no, honey, don't do that.
40
00:02:25,725 --> 00:02:29,183
No job is worth having to date women.
41
00:02:30,664 --> 00:02:32,996
Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person
42
00:02:33,066 --> 00:02:35,125
who speaks more than one language.
43
00:02:35,202 --> 00:02:37,397
Oh!
44
00:02:37,471 --> 00:02:40,668
Why'd I think it was something sexual?
45
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:43,971
That's why I signed up for
a Spanish class at night school.
46
00:02:44,044 --> 00:02:46,672
That's a wonderful idea.
47
00:02:46,746 --> 00:02:49,681
Men go to night school.
Smart men.
48
00:02:49,749 --> 00:02:53,150
And nothing turns me on
more than a smart man.
49
00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:56,314
Unless maybe it's a stupid man
with good hands.
50
00:02:56,857 --> 00:02:58,620
Rose, count me in.
51
00:02:58,692 --> 00:03:00,557
- Dinner's ready.
- What are we having?
52
00:03:00,627 --> 00:03:02,458
- [Sophia] Spaghetti.
- Italian food?
53
00:03:02,529 --> 00:03:05,157
No, Rose, actually it's Chinese food.
54
00:03:08,768 --> 00:03:10,497
- [Doorbell rings]
- I'll get it.
55
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:12,231
[Rose] Now that I'm taking Spanish,
56
00:03:12,305 --> 00:03:14,933
I'm gonna totally immerse
myself in the culture.
57
00:03:15,008 --> 00:03:18,136
From now on,
I'm only speaking Spanish.
58
00:03:18,211 --> 00:03:21,578
I'm eating Spanish food,
I'm wearing Spanish clothes,
59
00:03:21,648 --> 00:03:24,481
and I'm re-reading the covers
of my Julio Iglesias albums
60
00:03:24,551 --> 00:03:27,349
really, really carefully.
61
00:03:28,288 --> 00:03:30,153
Dorothy,
Stan's here to see you.
62
00:03:32,125 --> 00:03:33,285
Hi, everybody.
63
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,056
[Groaning]
64
00:03:36,129 --> 00:03:37,528
Sorry to barge in on your meal.
65
00:03:37,597 --> 00:03:39,861
It's all right.
Would you like some spaghetti?
66
00:03:39,933 --> 00:03:41,662
- It's delicious.
- Did you make it?
67
00:03:41,735 --> 00:03:42,997
- No.
- I'd love some.
68
00:03:45,272 --> 00:03:47,968
Are you here for a reason
or did you come for free food?
69
00:03:48,041 --> 00:03:51,602
Ma, please, the man
is a guest in our home.
70
00:03:51,678 --> 00:03:54,442
What the hell do you want,
Stanley?
71
00:03:54,514 --> 00:03:56,709
Well, it seems the IRS
72
00:03:56,783 --> 00:03:59,115
found a few discrepancies
in my tax returns.
73
00:03:59,185 --> 00:04:01,585
So I think we may have
a slight problem.
74
00:04:01,655 --> 00:04:04,954
Stanley, we have not been
together for a long time.
75
00:04:05,025 --> 00:04:07,152
Your tax return is your problem.
76
00:04:07,227 --> 00:04:09,957
Not exactly. They've decided
to go over the returns
77
00:04:10,030 --> 00:04:12,931
for the last few years, and a
few years ago, we were married.
78
00:04:12,999 --> 00:04:16,526
Babe, I'm afraid we're being audited.
79
00:04:16,603 --> 00:04:17,763
What?
80
00:04:17,837 --> 00:04:20,601
- He said, "Babe, I'm afraid..."
- I heard him, Rose!
81
00:04:22,442 --> 00:04:25,741
Just relax, Dorothy, sometimes
they just randomly audit people.
82
00:04:25,812 --> 00:04:27,541
It doesn't mean there's a problem.
83
00:04:27,614 --> 00:04:28,638
There's a problem.
84
00:04:28,715 --> 00:04:30,945
Oh, that's too bad. Pass the meatballs.
85
00:04:31,017 --> 00:04:33,110
Dorothy, I take total blame for this.
86
00:04:33,186 --> 00:04:36,622
I know it's a bummer, but no matter
what comes down, we're in this together.
87
00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:40,319
[Stan] I won't know till we
reconstruct our finances,
88
00:04:40,393 --> 00:04:43,021
but I figure we probably
have to pay a small fee.
89
00:04:43,096 --> 00:04:44,529
That doesn't sound so bad.
90
00:04:44,598 --> 00:04:45,929
Unless we get a prison term.
91
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,168
Don't worry,
I'll come by tomorrow night,
92
00:04:49,235 --> 00:04:51,226
we'll sit down
and go over all the receipts.
93
00:04:51,304 --> 00:04:52,566
- Pass the...
- I will not.
94
00:04:52,639 --> 00:04:54,129
Now get out, Stanley.
95
00:04:54,207 --> 00:04:55,970
Calm down. I can eat it plain.
96
00:04:57,811 --> 00:05:01,406
Well, gotta go now.
See you tomorrow night.
97
00:05:01,481 --> 00:05:03,881
I can't believe this is happening.
98
00:05:03,950 --> 00:05:08,216
Our whole married life,
I was so careful about money.
99
00:05:08,288 --> 00:05:11,815
And all the time, Stanley had
his hand in the cookie jar.
100
00:05:11,891 --> 00:05:14,451
In the olden days,
the Vikings would cut off your hand
101
00:05:14,527 --> 00:05:16,085
if they caught you stealing.
102
00:05:16,162 --> 00:05:18,562
They'd cut out your tongue
if they caught you lying.
103
00:05:18,632 --> 00:05:21,294
They'd cut off your feet
if they caught you trespassing.
104
00:05:21,368 --> 00:05:24,826
Too bad there wasn't a Viking
around when Stan knocked you up.
105
00:05:38,685 --> 00:05:40,619
That means "Hello Dorothy"
in Spanish.
106
00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:44,179
You've really taken command
of the language, haven't you?
107
00:05:44,257 --> 00:05:46,657
Si. That means "yes."
108
00:05:47,661 --> 00:05:51,722
Gee, Rose, if I closed my eyes,
I'd swear I was in Ecuador.
109
00:05:51,798 --> 00:05:54,266
Sorry, that was me.
110
00:06:03,777 --> 00:06:06,371
Okay, Rose,
I'm ready for class.
111
00:06:06,446 --> 00:06:08,812
You look like you're going
to a cocktail party.
112
00:06:14,854 --> 00:06:16,617
Well, gracias, honey.
113
00:06:16,690 --> 00:06:18,658
[Doorbell rings]
114
00:06:22,562 --> 00:06:23,927
Hi, it's me, Stan.
115
00:06:23,997 --> 00:06:27,364
Come on in. Oh, so thoughtful
of you to bring garbage.
116
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:31,436
These are my tax receipts.
Our future is in this bag.
117
00:06:31,504 --> 00:06:33,233
How appropriate.
118
00:06:34,074 --> 00:06:36,269
- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Stan.
119
00:06:36,342 --> 00:06:38,606
Blanche, you look great
in that blouse.
120
00:06:38,678 --> 00:06:40,578
Are those new? I mean...
121
00:06:42,849 --> 00:06:44,111
Is that new?
122
00:06:44,184 --> 00:06:46,744
Stanley, you naughty boy.
123
00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:49,948
When was the last time
somebody gave you a spanking?
124
00:06:50,957 --> 00:06:52,515
Vegas.
125
00:06:53,793 --> 00:06:55,818
Come on, Blanche,
we don't wanna be late.
126
00:06:55,895 --> 00:06:57,487
Oh, darn,
I keep forgetting.
127
00:06:57,564 --> 00:06:59,191
I'm not supposed to speak English.
128
00:06:59,265 --> 00:07:02,928
Being bilingual
really gets me confused.
129
00:07:03,002 --> 00:07:06,096
Ziploc bags get you confused.
130
00:07:06,439 --> 00:07:09,704
- See you girls later.
- AdiĆ³s.
131
00:07:09,776 --> 00:07:11,903
Sophia, you look
younger than ever.
132
00:07:11,978 --> 00:07:13,172
Thank you, Stan.
133
00:07:13,246 --> 00:07:15,441
That's a beautiful toupee
you're wearing.
134
00:07:15,515 --> 00:07:17,676
There, now we're both liars.
135
00:07:19,219 --> 00:07:21,414
Okay, Stan,
let's get this over with.
136
00:07:21,488 --> 00:07:24,184
Yeah, well, okay, here's
a copy of the tax return.
137
00:07:24,257 --> 00:07:26,350
We'll go over each
deduction individually
138
00:07:26,426 --> 00:07:28,018
and document it with a receipt.
139
00:07:28,094 --> 00:07:29,356
Okay.
140
00:07:29,429 --> 00:07:31,226
What the hell is this?
141
00:07:31,297 --> 00:07:33,731
Oh, uh, that...
It's a business loss.
142
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,291
- I made a bad investment.
- What investment?
143
00:07:36,369 --> 00:07:38,303
You never told me
you were investing.
144
00:07:38,371 --> 00:07:41,238
Well, I actually wasn't
planning to, but...
145
00:07:41,307 --> 00:07:45,107
I knew this was a money maker
the minute I laid eyes on it.
146
00:07:45,178 --> 00:07:49,137
I'm talking tie bibs, babe.
147
00:07:50,817 --> 00:07:52,284
Tie bibs.
148
00:07:52,352 --> 00:07:55,719
Yeah. Little bibs that
fit over your necktie.
149
00:07:55,789 --> 00:07:59,953
You go out to lunch, you don't
worry about staining your tie.
150
00:08:00,026 --> 00:08:02,790
It's a perfect gift, a great idea.
151
00:08:02,862 --> 00:08:05,592
And the best part was, no one
else had ever thought of it.
152
00:08:05,665 --> 00:08:08,327
To this day, I don't know
why I couldn't sell them.
153
00:08:08,401 --> 00:08:11,837
[Yelling] Did you ever hear
of napkins, Stanley?
154
00:08:13,273 --> 00:08:17,073
Hey. So I didn't make
the cover of Fortune.
155
00:08:17,143 --> 00:08:20,169
I was just trying to do something
to make things better for us.
156
00:08:20,246 --> 00:08:21,838
All our friends
were moving up,
157
00:08:21,915 --> 00:08:25,749
and we were stuck with a
one-way ticket to Palookaville.
158
00:08:25,819 --> 00:08:27,810
I wanted to be someone, babe.
159
00:08:27,887 --> 00:08:30,447
I wanted to be a contender.
160
00:08:33,092 --> 00:08:36,892
Stanley, did you just rent
On the Waterfront?
161
00:08:38,064 --> 00:08:40,555
You know me so well.
162
00:08:40,633 --> 00:08:42,396
No, I don't.
163
00:08:42,468 --> 00:08:46,268
What is this $2500
deduction for a gift?
164
00:08:54,113 --> 00:08:57,014
This is a receipt
for the diamond ring
165
00:08:57,083 --> 00:08:59,711
that you gave me on our
38th wedding anniversary.
166
00:08:59,786 --> 00:09:01,754
I know.
167
00:09:01,821 --> 00:09:05,450
You spent $2500 on me?
168
00:09:05,525 --> 00:09:09,427
Yeah. Figured after 38 years,
you deserve something major.
169
00:09:09,495 --> 00:09:12,020
Listen, I know we've
had our differences,
170
00:09:12,098 --> 00:09:15,397
but you've always stuck by me
when it really counted.
171
00:09:15,468 --> 00:09:16,992
I'll always love you for that.
172
00:09:17,070 --> 00:09:19,834
Oh, thank you, Stanley.
173
00:09:21,507 --> 00:09:23,873
Stanley, what are
all these deductions
174
00:09:23,943 --> 00:09:28,209
for a Corvette
and a rented garage?
175
00:09:29,349 --> 00:09:31,544
Dorothy, don't get mad.
176
00:09:31,618 --> 00:09:34,246
And don't hit me if you do.
177
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,756
I kind of bought a Corvette
without telling you.
178
00:09:38,892 --> 00:09:41,861
You bought a car
without telling me?
179
00:09:41,928 --> 00:09:44,294
I was going through
a mid-life crisis.
180
00:09:44,364 --> 00:09:49,358
So was I. I gave myself
a perm and took up Jazzercise.
181
00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:53,633
[Yelling] You bought a car
without telling me?
182
00:09:53,706 --> 00:09:55,173
How can I explain it?
183
00:09:55,241 --> 00:09:57,436
When I sat behind the wheel,
people noticed me.
184
00:09:57,510 --> 00:09:59,171
People paid attention.
185
00:09:59,245 --> 00:10:02,009
That car was a chick magnet.
186
00:10:03,349 --> 00:10:06,045
That is it, Stanley.
That's it. Get out.
187
00:10:06,119 --> 00:10:08,349
[Yelling] Get out of my house.
Get out of my life.
188
00:10:08,421 --> 00:10:09,683
What about the audit?
189
00:10:09,756 --> 00:10:12,054
We can get into trouble.
We could wind up in jail.
190
00:10:12,125 --> 00:10:14,320
Good, good. I want you to go to jail.
191
00:10:14,394 --> 00:10:17,090
And I want a big bald
convict named Bubba
192
00:10:17,163 --> 00:10:19,723
to pick you for his girlfriend.
193
00:10:23,903 --> 00:10:25,336
Dorothy, you don't mean that.
194
00:10:25,405 --> 00:10:28,169
The hell I don't.
This is all your fault.
195
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:30,334
Look, it doesn't matter
who's to blame here.
196
00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:33,106
We're in this together.
If you don't wanna cooperate,
197
00:10:33,179 --> 00:10:36,774
- you're gonna be hurting yourself.
- You're right. And I hate you for it.
198
00:10:36,849 --> 00:10:38,214
What's all the racket?
199
00:10:38,284 --> 00:10:40,309
Oh, nothing.
I could just murder Stan.
200
00:10:40,386 --> 00:10:42,911
He bought a Corvette
without telling me.
201
00:10:42,989 --> 00:10:44,251
Why are you complaining?
202
00:10:44,324 --> 00:10:46,884
Your father did things
without telling me.
203
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,895
How do you think I got pregnant
with your brother Phil?
204
00:10:56,302 --> 00:10:59,294
Just remember, I'll handle everything.
I'm a salesman.
205
00:10:59,372 --> 00:11:01,340
I deal with people.
I know what I'm doing.
206
00:11:01,407 --> 00:11:04,137
Shut up, Stanley.
207
00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:06,110
Mellow out. Once we get in there,
208
00:11:06,179 --> 00:11:08,272
we have to exercise
psychological control.
209
00:11:08,348 --> 00:11:11,317
- That's why I'm wearing this suit.
- You make me sick.
210
00:11:11,384 --> 00:11:14,285
Hey, everyone knows
good guys wear white.
211
00:11:14,354 --> 00:11:17,255
This suit subliminally tells
the auditor I'm a good guy.
212
00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:19,257
I could vomit just looking at you.
213
00:11:21,928 --> 00:11:24,988
Mr. And Mrs. Zbornak,
step into my office, please.
214
00:11:25,064 --> 00:11:27,760
Watch me work my magic, babe.
215
00:11:31,004 --> 00:11:34,440
Good afternoon. I am Wendell Murray.
I'll be conducting your audit.
216
00:11:34,507 --> 00:11:36,941
Nice to meet you.
I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
217
00:11:37,010 --> 00:11:39,570
This is my ex-husband, Stanley.
218
00:11:42,548 --> 00:11:46,484
Wendell. Paisan.
219
00:11:51,524 --> 00:11:54,459
We're going to jail.
220
00:11:56,262 --> 00:11:57,991
What did you call me?
221
00:11:58,064 --> 00:12:00,624
Before he answers that,
let me reiterate,
222
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,692
we are bitterly divorced.
223
00:12:03,770 --> 00:12:05,169
Relax, Dorothy.
224
00:12:05,238 --> 00:12:07,729
Wendell, I called you "paisan."
225
00:12:07,807 --> 00:12:10,571
Friend, brother of the scalp.
226
00:12:11,677 --> 00:12:14,237
If I may get philosophical
for one moment,
227
00:12:14,313 --> 00:12:17,646
I've always believed we bald men
are like any other minority.
228
00:12:17,717 --> 00:12:21,813
- That's why we have to stick together.
- Who you calling bald?
229
00:12:22,488 --> 00:12:24,649
Nobody, nobody.
230
00:12:24,724 --> 00:12:27,784
Just shut up and put your hair on.
231
00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:30,590
Yes, dear. Wendell,
if I may call you Wendell,
232
00:12:30,663 --> 00:12:34,656
did I mention that I'm a member
of the Rainbow Coalition?
233
00:12:36,736 --> 00:12:39,705
Mr. And Mrs. Zbornak,
may I remind you
234
00:12:39,772 --> 00:12:41,672
that as an employee of the IRS,
235
00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:44,107
it is my sole obligation
to see that the government
236
00:12:44,177 --> 00:12:46,145
gets all the money
it has coming to it?
237
00:12:46,212 --> 00:12:49,010
- And I'll bet you do a fine job of it.
- Thank you. However,
238
00:12:49,082 --> 00:12:52,347
I have no personal stake in this
whatsoever. Is that understood?
239
00:12:52,418 --> 00:12:54,409
- Oh, yes. Yes.
- You bet, my man.
240
00:12:54,487 --> 00:12:56,785
Then cut the crap, paisan.
241
00:13:09,802 --> 00:13:12,669
You know, folks, I've been at
this job almost four years now,
242
00:13:12,738 --> 00:13:14,968
and in that short time
I can honestly say
243
00:13:15,041 --> 00:13:19,603
I have never seen such an inept,
clumsy, downright stupid attempt
244
00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:21,408
to avoid paying income tax.
245
00:13:21,481 --> 00:13:24,575
Thanks. That means
a lot coming from you.
246
00:13:26,018 --> 00:13:29,078
I can also honestly say that I'm
amazed the way this lays out,
247
00:13:29,155 --> 00:13:30,850
you only owe a small amount.
248
00:13:30,923 --> 00:13:33,915
- You're kidding.
- No. $5000.
249
00:13:33,993 --> 00:13:37,451
$5000... We don't have
that kind of money.
250
00:13:37,530 --> 00:13:39,623
Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
251
00:13:39,699 --> 00:13:42,691
Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it.
252
00:13:44,737 --> 00:13:48,730
We'll expect you each
to cough up $2500 in 30 days.
253
00:13:48,808 --> 00:13:50,639
What if we can't?
254
00:13:50,710 --> 00:13:54,908
We'll put a lien on your bank accounts,
property, and your salaries.
255
00:13:54,981 --> 00:13:58,576
And if that doesn't work,
we'll just have to incarcerate you.
256
00:13:59,619 --> 00:14:03,214
Oh, my God. We're going to jail.
257
00:14:06,058 --> 00:14:07,992
That's right, Stanley.
258
00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:13,726
Please, let me know where you
and Bubba register for your china.
259
00:14:28,481 --> 00:14:30,745
Rose, honey,
what are you still doing up?
260
00:14:30,816 --> 00:14:32,807
Studying for my Spanish test.
261
00:14:32,885 --> 00:14:35,376
Like somebody else
I know should be.
262
00:14:35,454 --> 00:14:38,150
Don't strain yourself. Here.
263
00:14:41,093 --> 00:14:44,392
Blanche, these are
the answers to the test.
264
00:14:44,463 --> 00:14:45,862
Where did you get these?
265
00:14:45,932 --> 00:14:47,297
I'll give you one guess.
266
00:14:47,366 --> 00:14:50,631
You slept with the teacher.
267
00:14:52,638 --> 00:14:55,368
Of course I didn't sleep
with the teacher.
268
00:14:55,441 --> 00:14:57,705
You have to be very
careful these days.
269
00:14:57,777 --> 00:15:01,372
I promised I would
if he gave me the answers.
270
00:15:03,749 --> 00:15:06,912
I call it "safe-teasing."
271
00:15:08,221 --> 00:15:09,882
Well, you can just have them back.
272
00:15:09,956 --> 00:15:11,719
I've only cheated once in my life.
273
00:15:11,791 --> 00:15:15,227
- I vowed I'd never do it again.
- Couldn't handle the guilt?
274
00:15:15,294 --> 00:15:18,263
No, I got caught.
275
00:15:18,331 --> 00:15:20,595
Oh, it was the worst experience
of my whole life.
276
00:15:20,666 --> 00:15:22,998
St. Olaf was rocked by the scandal.
277
00:15:23,069 --> 00:15:26,698
What'd you do, shortchange
somebody down at the feed store?
278
00:15:26,772 --> 00:15:29,002
Worse.
279
00:15:29,075 --> 00:15:31,976
I fed BB's to my prize lamb, Harlan,
280
00:15:32,044 --> 00:15:35,013
so he'd weigh in heavier
at the county fair.
281
00:15:36,649 --> 00:15:40,449
Oh, my God, Rose.
How do you sleep at night?
282
00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:44,353
I knew it was wrong all along,
but I wanted to win first prize.
283
00:15:44,423 --> 00:15:49,383
And I would have if Harlan could
have held it just a little longer.
284
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:57,268
Boy, did you just miss a real gem.
285
00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:00,737
Poor Dorothy, what
are you doing up again?
286
00:16:00,806 --> 00:16:03,240
I can't sleep.
Every time I close my eyes,
287
00:16:03,309 --> 00:16:06,437
I see Uncle Sam going
through my purse.
288
00:16:06,512 --> 00:16:08,844
Worried about the money
you owe the government?
289
00:16:08,914 --> 00:16:11,849
No, Blanche, I'm worried
about whether Michael Jackson
290
00:16:11,917 --> 00:16:15,375
will be able to buy
the remains of the Elephant Man.
291
00:16:18,491 --> 00:16:21,688
Really? Gee, I'd be
worried about the money.
292
00:16:25,097 --> 00:16:27,088
Does anyone around here
ever go to bed?
293
00:16:27,166 --> 00:16:28,895
I can't sleep, Ma.
294
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:30,731
I can't work, I can't eat.
295
00:16:30,803 --> 00:16:33,670
All I can do is think about
how I'm gonna raise the rest
296
00:16:33,739 --> 00:16:36,572
of that 2500 bucks.
297
00:16:36,642 --> 00:16:39,270
- I wish I had it, pussycat.
- Oh, I know, Ma.
298
00:16:39,345 --> 00:16:40,835
If you had it,
you'd give it to me.
299
00:16:40,913 --> 00:16:44,508
Don't put words in my mouth.
I said, "I wish I had it."
300
00:16:46,852 --> 00:16:48,979
I've put away
a little money, Dorothy.
301
00:16:49,055 --> 00:16:51,649
It's not nearly enough,
but you're welcome to it.
302
00:16:51,724 --> 00:16:53,123
Oh, Rose.
303
00:16:53,192 --> 00:16:54,921
I could lend you
a couple of hundred.
304
00:16:54,994 --> 00:16:58,157
I'd planned on putting it
toward my cruise to the Bahamas,
305
00:16:58,230 --> 00:17:01,165
- but what the heck?
- Oh, thank you, girls.
306
00:17:01,233 --> 00:17:03,701
I'll just buy a couple
of Harry Belafonte tapes.
307
00:17:03,769 --> 00:17:05,259
I really appreciate this.
308
00:17:05,338 --> 00:17:07,670
And limbo under the clothesline.
309
00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:10,436
- But I can't accept it.
- Okay.
310
00:17:12,745 --> 00:17:15,839
I only have half of the 2500.
311
00:17:15,915 --> 00:17:18,679
And since I don't qualify
for a bank loan,
312
00:17:18,751 --> 00:17:21,413
I'm just gonna have
to sell some of my stuff.
313
00:17:21,487 --> 00:17:26,322
Hold it. No daughter of mine
is selling her stuff.
314
00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:30,595
It's a sin, it's a crime,
and let's face it, Dorothy,
315
00:17:30,663 --> 00:17:32,756
lately you can't give it away.
316
00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:39,328
Ma, I'm talking about selling
some of my belongings.
317
00:17:39,405 --> 00:17:41,305
I called a couple of pawn shops
318
00:17:41,374 --> 00:17:43,274
and I'm gonna
check them out tomorrow.
319
00:17:43,342 --> 00:17:45,572
I'm wonderful at bargaining.
I'll go with you.
320
00:17:45,644 --> 00:17:48,340
- Me, too.
- Oh, thanks, girls.
321
00:17:48,414 --> 00:17:52,646
Oh... You know, I can't
believe this is happening.
322
00:17:52,718 --> 00:17:56,154
I was so careful about
my finances all my life.
323
00:17:56,222 --> 00:17:59,783
I thought that by now
I'd have some sort of security.
324
00:17:59,859 --> 00:18:02,123
And here I am, flat broke.
325
00:18:02,194 --> 00:18:03,354
I know what you mean.
326
00:18:03,429 --> 00:18:06,557
I never dreamt I'd be single
and working at this age.
327
00:18:06,632 --> 00:18:09,362
I never dreamt I'd be this age.
328
00:18:10,136 --> 00:18:12,866
Let me tell you girls
the three most important things
329
00:18:12,938 --> 00:18:14,166
I learned about life.
330
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,209
Number one:
Hold fast to your friends.
331
00:18:17,276 --> 00:18:21,303
Number two: There's no
such thing as security.
332
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:25,783
And number three:
Don't go see Ishtar.
333
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:34,490
Now girls, listen.
334
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:35,754
Listen.
335
00:18:35,828 --> 00:18:39,821
Remember, the way to make a deal
is we state our price,
336
00:18:39,899 --> 00:18:43,562
stick to our guns, and undo
another button on our blouses.
337
00:18:44,537 --> 00:18:46,027
Blanche, that is ridiculous.
338
00:18:46,105 --> 00:18:48,767
Unbuttoning my blouse is not
gonna get us a better deal.
339
00:18:48,841 --> 00:18:51,435
You are absolutely right.
Don't touch yours.
340
00:18:51,510 --> 00:18:54,070
Rose and I will unbutton ours.
341
00:18:56,549 --> 00:19:00,178
Hi.
342
00:19:02,521 --> 00:19:05,547
Please, don't hurt me,
just take my money.
343
00:19:06,826 --> 00:19:10,227
I'm sorry. I think I
got my verbs mixed up.
344
00:19:10,296 --> 00:19:11,661
Thanks a lot, lady.
345
00:19:12,932 --> 00:19:14,263
So, what do you want?
346
00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:16,563
I would like to pawn a few things.
347
00:19:16,635 --> 00:19:18,569
- You got a lot of things here.
- Yeah.
348
00:19:18,637 --> 00:19:20,764
So, uh, how much
will you give me?
349
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,671
$100 for everything.
350
00:19:22,741 --> 00:19:24,834
- Oh.
- Wait a minute.
351
00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:28,368
Sir! I am shocked
at your insensitivity.
352
00:19:28,447 --> 00:19:31,575
May I point out to you that
this is no ordinary pitcher?
353
00:19:31,650 --> 00:19:34,380
This pitcher was carried
thousands of miles
354
00:19:34,453 --> 00:19:37,513
across the ocean by
her great-great-grandmother.
355
00:19:37,590 --> 00:19:40,889
A woman who came to this country
in search of a better life,
356
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:44,054
as have done millions of
immigrants throughout history.
357
00:19:44,129 --> 00:19:46,393
Why, this pitcher
is a symbol of freedom.
358
00:19:46,465 --> 00:19:48,592
This pitcher is a symbol of liberty.
359
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:51,397
This pitcher was made in Taiwan.
360
00:19:53,005 --> 00:19:58,875
Well! Maybe they stopped off
at the Ellis Island gift shop.
361
00:19:58,944 --> 00:20:01,105
The point is, this pitcher is worth
362
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:02,807
a considerable amount of money.
363
00:20:02,882 --> 00:20:05,373
Lady, that story is worth
more than the pitcher.
364
00:20:05,451 --> 00:20:08,545
In fact, except for the ring
that you are wearing,
365
00:20:08,621 --> 00:20:11,089
nothing that you brought
in here is worth anything.
366
00:20:11,156 --> 00:20:13,249
- How much for the ring?
- $800.
367
00:20:13,325 --> 00:20:14,883
Oh, I couldn't pawn this.
368
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,190
- $900.
- Take it, Dorothy.
369
00:20:17,263 --> 00:20:19,288
[Stammering] No, I couldn't, it...
370
00:20:19,365 --> 00:20:23,096
This is the only nice thing
that Stan ever gave me.
371
00:20:23,168 --> 00:20:26,569
- $1000.
- It's also the only valuable thing.
372
00:20:26,639 --> 00:20:28,573
- Hock it.
- I can't.
373
00:20:28,641 --> 00:20:30,666
$1200. My final offer.
374
00:20:30,743 --> 00:20:32,836
No, this isn't for sale.
375
00:20:32,912 --> 00:20:36,177
I mean, there are some things
that have no price. I...
376
00:20:36,248 --> 00:20:38,648
This means a lot to me.
377
00:20:38,717 --> 00:20:43,017
My husband gave it to me
after 38 years of marriage.
378
00:20:43,088 --> 00:20:46,922
And after 38 years of marriage,
he also dumped you
379
00:20:46,992 --> 00:20:49,051
for a 23-year-old stewardess
380
00:20:49,128 --> 00:20:52,996
with firm thighs and perky breasts.
381
00:20:53,065 --> 00:20:57,126
You got yourself a ring, muchacho.
382
00:21:04,610 --> 00:21:05,941
- [Blanche] Hi Dorothy.
- Hi.
383
00:21:06,011 --> 00:21:09,208
What are you two doing here? I
thought you had Spanish class.
384
00:21:09,281 --> 00:21:11,841
We do but we're not going.
We dropped out.
385
00:21:11,917 --> 00:21:14,818
What about your promotion
at the counseling center?
386
00:21:14,887 --> 00:21:17,151
Oh, I can just forget about that.
387
00:21:17,222 --> 00:21:20,191
Norwegians are notoriously
bad at Spanish.
388
00:21:20,259 --> 00:21:23,387
I guess that's why there
are no herring tacos.
389
00:21:24,597 --> 00:21:26,462
And it was a big waste of my time.
390
00:21:26,532 --> 00:21:28,397
There was only one cute guy there.
391
00:21:28,467 --> 00:21:33,666
And he kept doodling the name
"Kenny" in his notebook.
392
00:21:33,739 --> 00:21:35,366
[Doorbell rings]
393
00:21:38,410 --> 00:21:40,002
- Hi, Dorothy.
- Come on in.
394
00:21:40,079 --> 00:21:42,479
I have the check
for my half of the money.
395
00:21:42,548 --> 00:21:44,038
- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Stan.
396
00:21:44,116 --> 00:21:45,879
Hi, Stan. Where's your hair?
397
00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:49,781
Oh, damn. I never should
have opened that sunroof.
398
00:21:51,557 --> 00:21:53,650
This just isn't my week.
399
00:21:53,726 --> 00:21:54,988
Here you go.
400
00:21:55,060 --> 00:21:58,223
Thanks, Dorothy.
Uh, Dorothy, uh, listen.
401
00:21:58,297 --> 00:22:01,164
I, um... I'm really sorry
about all of this.
402
00:22:01,233 --> 00:22:02,996
It's all my fault.
403
00:22:03,068 --> 00:22:04,626
Here.
404
00:22:05,437 --> 00:22:07,428
A little something for you.
405
00:22:10,776 --> 00:22:11,902
My ring.
406
00:22:11,977 --> 00:22:14,070
I didn't want you to sell it.
Not like this.
407
00:22:14,146 --> 00:22:17,377
- How did you know?
- I called while you were out.
408
00:22:17,449 --> 00:22:20,282
Sophia told me what happened,
so I went and bought it back.
409
00:22:21,286 --> 00:22:23,618
Stanley, you didn't have to do that.
410
00:22:23,689 --> 00:22:25,054
I wanted to do it, Dorothy.
411
00:22:25,124 --> 00:22:28,753
Because, in spite of everything,
you're still the best.
412
00:22:30,195 --> 00:22:31,753
I think I'm gonna cry.
413
00:22:31,830 --> 00:22:34,298
Honey, don't do that.
Your eyes will get all beady,
414
00:22:34,366 --> 00:22:37,529
and your nose will swell up
like Karl Malden.
415
00:22:39,238 --> 00:22:41,570
Wait a minute,
if you bought the ring back,
416
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,505
how did you come up
with the money?
417
00:22:44,777 --> 00:22:46,176
Sold the Corvette.
418
00:22:46,245 --> 00:22:49,237
- You didn't.
- Yeah, it was tough.
419
00:22:49,314 --> 00:22:50,804
I had great times with that car,
420
00:22:50,883 --> 00:22:54,114
but the times I had with you
were a hell of a lot more important.
421
00:22:54,186 --> 00:22:56,313
Oh, Stanley. I'm so sorry.
422
00:22:56,388 --> 00:22:57,582
Me too.
423
00:22:57,656 --> 00:23:00,318
[Chuckling] I guess I became
what I always feared most:
424
00:23:00,392 --> 00:23:03,589
Another middle-aged bald guy
who drives a Toyota.
425
00:23:04,930 --> 00:23:06,557
Oh, Stanley, this...
426
00:23:06,632 --> 00:23:10,068
This is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
427
00:23:12,004 --> 00:23:13,631
Rose, honey.
428
00:23:13,706 --> 00:23:16,971
Let's go down to Riley's and see
if we can meet some men. Come on.
429
00:23:17,042 --> 00:23:18,031
- Come on.
- Okay.
430
00:23:18,110 --> 00:23:22,137
If you're taking Biscayne Blvd.,
keep an eye out for my hair.
431
00:23:26,385 --> 00:23:30,378
We, um, really pulled it
out of the fire, didn't we, babe?
432
00:23:30,456 --> 00:23:31,946
We sure did.
433
00:23:32,024 --> 00:23:36,461
It felt nice, you and me,
working as a team again.
434
00:23:36,528 --> 00:23:38,359
It did feel nice.
435
00:23:38,430 --> 00:23:41,024
Reminds me of when
we were first married.
436
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:44,160
We sure had some good times.
437
00:23:44,236 --> 00:23:48,195
So, as long as I'm here,
what do you say, for old time's sake,
438
00:23:48,273 --> 00:23:50,104
you wanna go to bed?
439
00:23:52,144 --> 00:23:56,103
[Pained] Dorothy! Dorothy,
let go, it was a joke.
440
00:23:58,317 --> 00:24:01,150
You're hurting me.
You're really hurting me.
34440
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