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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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Previously on "American Princess"...
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It's Brett. He wants to FaceTime.
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What?
4
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Yeah, baby. Yeah. Yeah, right there.
5
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Are you out of your mind?
You... How could you?
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I'm not having an affair. I love you.
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On our wedding day?
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Ugh, theme wedding.
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Sorry for interrupting
your little wedding here.
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FYI, though, he doesn't know what play
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his own quote's from.
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- That is preposterous.
- She be right!
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From which play doth the quote come?
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"Richard II."
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Uh, ffff.
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The maid doth speak the truth.
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Huzzah!
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Huzzah!
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So, what?
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You all run around pretending
to be Queen Elizabeth
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and stuff, and people
get drunk with nerds?
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It be their... leidenschaft.
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It's German for passion.
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Do you really want to throw
away everything you almost had?
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I'm not going back with you.
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I'm staying. Here.
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Nay. Hither.
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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.MY-SUBS.com
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Ugh.
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What the...
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Ah!
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Good morrow, cousin.
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Good morrow... morning.
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Where am I?
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D-Did I...
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- Did we...
- No!
37
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No, no, no.
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00:03:00,675 --> 00:03:01,769
Just boob stuff.
39
00:03:01,794 --> 00:03:02,910
- What?
- I'm kidding!
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- Oh.
- No, I'm not.
41
00:03:04,161 --> 00:03:05,433
- What?
- Yes, I am.
42
00:03:05,851 --> 00:03:06,851
No, I'm not.
43
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Yes, I am.
44
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Don't worry.
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You do have nice boobs, though.
46
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Thanks?
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Amanda Sophia Klein.
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00:03:17,852 --> 00:03:19,324
My roommate, my hero.
49
00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:22,144
When you renounced
your life last night...
50
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so dramatic.
51
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- And then you drank all that Devil's...
- Scotch.
52
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Right.
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How much did I say?
54
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Brett is dead to me.
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- Terrific.
- Mm-hmm.
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I hope my vigorous self-pleasuring
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provided you a gentle waking.
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No sweeter music than the stroke
of your own strings, am I right?
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Wait, did you say "roommate"?
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Oh, yeah.
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I'm gonna show you everything.
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- Everything?
- Mm-hmm.
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Hang on.
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If we're roommates...
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what happened to the person or...
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00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,200
gimp that used to live here?
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Don't worry.
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She's never around.
69
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You may want to flip the mattress.
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This place needs some serious feng shui
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or a hazmat team or...
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a citronella perimeter.
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I'm so excited you're here!
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Yes.
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Please tell me that's not your...
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It's Brett. Shall I?
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No! I mean...
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no, thank you. I'll... I'll handle it.
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Ugh...
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Not everything can be fixed with emojis.
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00:04:48,053 --> 00:04:51,337
Now, want to find your leidenschaft?
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00:04:53,235 --> 00:04:55,766
- Ja.
- I wouldn't touch that hand.
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Dude, you okay?
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00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:18,016
You okay... Oh.
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Aah. Dude, what happened
to your nipple ring?
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Just had an accident last night.
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Pretty crazy, right?
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- Is it?
- What do you mean?
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It's a nipple ring.
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I mean, the idea of it being torn out
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00:05:30,923 --> 00:05:32,149
must have crossed your
mind at some point.
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00:05:32,173 --> 00:05:34,227
The idea of crashing my
car's crossed my mind,
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00:05:34,252 --> 00:05:35,406
but I still drive.
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Not with your nipple.
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Yeah.
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00:05:38,608 --> 00:05:41,111
So you, uh, hook up
with that new girl again?
97
00:05:41,136 --> 00:05:42,242
What, Amanda?
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00:05:42,349 --> 00:05:44,027
No, nothing happened. Two nights ago,
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she got wasted and
passed out on my floor.
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So now you got that to deal with.
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00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:48,906
W-What? What do you mean?
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Dude, if you take in a stray,
it's not a stray anymore.
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00:05:52,713 --> 00:05:54,882
- It's your dog.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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She's not my dog.
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00:05:57,087 --> 00:05:59,506
I don't believe in pets,
not even comfort animals.
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Yeah, well, at least she's a cute dog.
107
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Yeah.
108
00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:06,132
What's your Faire name gonna be?
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00:06:06,156 --> 00:06:07,967
Like, mine's Prunella Bubblebottom
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because I'm a washer wench.
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We sing songs, make
dirty jokes, we get wet,
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00:06:12,227 --> 00:06:13,931
and our audiences have
the best, best time,
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because they're in the splash zone.
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00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,256
- Like at SeaWorld.
- That's whales.
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We're wenches. It's different.
116
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- But...
- It's different.
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Mm.
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- Wi-Fi!
- Yeah. It lives near the office.
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00:06:24,047 --> 00:06:26,944
But don't move. It's
shy, like a baby deer.
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I'll see you at the well, sister.
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And don't forget to
think of your Faire name.
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Nice work, Amanda.
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Mom's so up my butt about
you, I've got a stress zit.
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Hi, Erin.
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I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
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Ugh, not everything is about you.
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How about my life blowing up?
Can that be about me?
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00:06:44,585 --> 00:06:46,547
Oh, no, no, no. Do not play the victim.
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You're the one who blew it up.
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00:06:47,854 --> 00:06:50,462
It's like ISIS declared
jihad on dream weddings
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and sent you in first.
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I didn't blow it up.
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00:06:53,253 --> 00:06:54,751
Brett blew it up by being...
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Classic Amanda.
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Can't take responsibility for anything.
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Oh, and you can shred your black card.
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Mom's cutting you off.
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00:07:01,014 --> 00:07:02,779
I am taking responsibility,
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00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:04,440
and I am the victim. And you know what?
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00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,465
You can tell Mom to keep
her emotional blood money.
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00:07:06,822 --> 00:07:08,115
I'm getting a job here.
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00:07:08,140 --> 00:07:09,959
- You're what?
- Joanntha?
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00:07:10,601 --> 00:07:12,544
You're... I'm sorry. Say that... What...
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Ama... Stop, you're... No, Ama...
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Erin.
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00:07:17,981 --> 00:07:19,440
Wait, you know my mom's name?
147
00:07:19,465 --> 00:07:20,966
You talked a lot last night.
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00:07:21,314 --> 00:07:23,224
Stupid scotch.
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00:07:23,307 --> 00:07:25,753
From now on, I'm strictly gay for rosé.
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00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:26,787
- Whoa.
- What?
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00:07:26,812 --> 00:07:28,564
- My nipple ring.
- You have a nipple ring,
152
00:07:28,589 --> 00:07:29,733
like a fancy cow?
153
00:07:29,757 --> 00:07:31,052
Not since last night.
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00:07:31,775 --> 00:07:32,927
You don't remember?
155
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,826
My crazy accident?
156
00:07:35,614 --> 00:07:36,802
Ugh, no.
157
00:07:37,289 --> 00:07:39,482
Again, I have to plead scotch.
158
00:07:39,507 --> 00:07:41,021
That's two nights in a row for you.
159
00:07:41,046 --> 00:07:42,615
You think I have a drinking problem?
160
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,607
Is alcohol your usual coping mechanism?
161
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,990
- No!
- Okay.
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00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:47,341
I do not have a problem.
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00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:48,732
- Okay.
- I don't.
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I said okay.
165
00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:52,341
You said okay like five times.
166
00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:53,787
Why are you counting okays?
167
00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:55,544
Hey, lover.
168
00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:57,076
Uh, hey.
169
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,880
Uh, Amanda, this is Callie.
170
00:07:58,905 --> 00:08:00,576
- Hi.
- Hmm.
171
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,866
- Um, I got the kambo.
- What's kambo?
172
00:08:02,891 --> 00:08:04,226
Amazonian frog venom.
173
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,255
It's for my nipple.
174
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,513
That doesn't need venom.
175
00:08:07,170 --> 00:08:08,544
That needs stitches.
176
00:08:08,569 --> 00:08:10,779
- Ah, it's not that bad.
- You work in a mud pit,
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00:08:10,804 --> 00:08:12,959
and that's an open wound.
Are you... Are you crazy?
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00:08:12,984 --> 00:08:14,014
I love what I do.
179
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Your need to be seen is profound.
180
00:08:28,287 --> 00:08:30,100
Ohh, man.
181
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,202
Hi.
182
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:37,725
I'm Amanda.
183
00:08:38,798 --> 00:08:39,841
Are you hiring?
184
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,077
You have any felonies?
185
00:08:41,279 --> 00:08:42,279
No.
186
00:08:42,805 --> 00:08:43,874
Then we're hiring.
187
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,092
Awesome.
188
00:08:45,782 --> 00:08:47,742
What's your dramaturgy situation?
189
00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:50,022
I have a degree in English from Vassar.
190
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:54,171
Yeah, we've already got like
six dramaturgists on staff.
191
00:08:54,593 --> 00:08:57,538
Okay. I'm also good at Word
192
00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:59,897
and, uh, Adobe Creative Suite
193
00:08:59,922 --> 00:09:01,171
a-and...
194
00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:03,772
Hey, hi. Eyes up here.
195
00:09:04,269 --> 00:09:05,686
Oh, I was just wondering
196
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:07,347
if maybe a bodice would kind of...
197
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:08,948
- What?
- ... make things pop.
198
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,597
Ugh. Offensive much?
199
00:09:11,772 --> 00:09:13,691
I'm here to work, not make it rain.
200
00:09:13,716 --> 00:09:15,277
Okay, Vassar, lighten up.
201
00:09:15,395 --> 00:09:17,144
You ever worked in food service?
202
00:09:17,435 --> 00:09:19,167
Summers on the Cape, I was a hostess
203
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,745
at the Landfall in Woods Hole...
204
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:23,659
classic surf and turf,
occasional Kennedy.
205
00:09:23,684 --> 00:09:26,206
So I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
206
00:09:26,473 --> 00:09:28,769
Perfect. You're hired.
207
00:09:28,794 --> 00:09:30,667
This isn't meant to be, you know.
208
00:09:31,224 --> 00:09:32,566
It never was.
209
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:34,669
And yet, perhaps the impossibility
210
00:09:34,694 --> 00:09:36,339
is what made it possible.
211
00:09:37,055 --> 00:09:39,737
Like the mighty salmon
212
00:09:40,011 --> 00:09:42,909
thrusting itself against
the surging stream,
213
00:09:43,287 --> 00:09:46,527
determined to spawn, whatever the cost.
214
00:09:47,985 --> 00:09:49,361
But do not weep.
215
00:09:49,386 --> 00:09:51,050
You shall find this again.
216
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:55,371
Well, not this, this, but...
perhaps this-adjacent.
217
00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:56,683
Who's Jason?
218
00:09:57,937 --> 00:10:01,848
Oh, my sweet, simple boy.
219
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,356
I am the Queen.
220
00:10:04,718 --> 00:10:06,239
You park cars.
221
00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:08,489
A titillating pornographic premise
222
00:10:08,514 --> 00:10:10,856
we explored most vigorously
223
00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,262
but has now concluded.
224
00:10:13,287 --> 00:10:16,373
Exeunt omnes.
225
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,668
We're over, José.
226
00:10:20,693 --> 00:10:21,825
You can go.
227
00:10:22,465 --> 00:10:23,465
Okay.
228
00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:28,223
- Want to smoke out?
- No.
229
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,004
- Later?
- No.
230
00:10:30,413 --> 00:10:31,623
Want to hook up after work?
231
00:10:31,648 --> 00:10:33,504
I literally just dumped you.
232
00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:34,766
Okay.
233
00:10:38,058 --> 00:10:39,231
In case you change your mind.
234
00:10:49,865 --> 00:10:52,145
- Hey, dude.
- Good morning.
235
00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:55,411
Felipé?
236
00:10:56,097 --> 00:10:58,139
José, you racist.
237
00:10:58,417 --> 00:11:00,801
I'm not racist. I don't recall his name
238
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,793
because I refuse to
commit useful brain cells
239
00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:04,987
to some temporary toad in your hole.
240
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:07,356
Well, then, you'll be
glad to know I ended it.
241
00:11:07,911 --> 00:11:09,973
The poor dear, he was beside himself.
242
00:11:09,998 --> 00:11:11,723
Really? He seemed...
243
00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,750
Devastated, as if I'd extinguished
244
00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:16,028
the light that burned behind his eyes.
245
00:11:16,053 --> 00:11:17,121
Pretty dim light.
246
00:11:17,146 --> 00:11:18,772
All right, you've had your fun.
247
00:11:18,797 --> 00:11:20,832
No, I haven't, actually.
248
00:11:21,321 --> 00:11:23,532
We completely missed Leah
Remini's marathon last night
249
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,392
so you could get your fields plowed.
250
00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:27,377
Again with the stereotypes.
251
00:11:27,402 --> 00:11:28,445
What stereotypes?
252
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:31,512
Fields. Plowed. José.
253
00:11:32,130 --> 00:11:33,739
That was a euphemism for sex.
254
00:11:33,764 --> 00:11:34,964
That has nothing to do with...
255
00:11:35,306 --> 00:11:36,661
Okay, now I hear it.
256
00:11:38,692 --> 00:11:40,371
Well, I wish you the best of luck.
257
00:11:47,311 --> 00:11:49,739
Milady, Mother has blessed you.
258
00:11:51,027 --> 00:11:53,405
Come, sir, handle my jugs.
259
00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:56,558
I see by your lady you have experience.
260
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:59,536
In sooth, I wager you
could handle a pair of jugs.
261
00:11:59,906 --> 00:12:01,926
- Am I correct, mistress?
- He sure can.
262
00:12:01,951 --> 00:12:04,156
Oh, well, come, then.
I'll show you my jugs,
263
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:05,512
and you show me yours.
264
00:12:05,797 --> 00:12:07,434
This place is insane.
265
00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:09,731
It's like, "What if super-horny nerds
266
00:12:09,756 --> 00:12:11,168
designed an amusement park?"
267
00:12:11,193 --> 00:12:13,820
So what? Without "super-horny nerds,"
268
00:12:13,845 --> 00:12:16,145
there'd be no movies,
no music, no Internet, just...
269
00:12:16,340 --> 00:12:18,305
football and pharmaceutical reps.
270
00:12:18,330 --> 00:12:20,125
My fiancé's brother's a pharm...
271
00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:24,133
You mean your ex-fiancé,
272
00:12:24,158 --> 00:12:26,047
the one whose hooker you bloodied?
273
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,063
- Hey, you had a lot to say last night.
- Yeah, so I hear.
274
00:12:29,088 --> 00:12:31,715
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale!
275
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:33,766
Suck on my jugs, they'll
fill you with ale.
276
00:12:33,897 --> 00:12:36,375
Seriously, I'm the only
one who finds that skeevy?
277
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,610
You and the puritans.
278
00:12:37,635 --> 00:12:38,938
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
279
00:12:38,963 --> 00:12:41,152
It's just one big, beautiful community
280
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,375
full of love and acceptance.
281
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,899
It brought me Stephen.
282
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,640
How long have you two been together?
283
00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:47,584
Oh, is it, uh, three Faires, babe?
284
00:12:47,609 --> 00:12:49,735
Mm-hmm. Well, my husband,
Phil, met him first.
285
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,977
They bonded over their
love of craft beers
286
00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,587
and then over their love of me.
287
00:12:53,612 --> 00:12:54,946
Wait, I'm sorry.
288
00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:57,164
You're not... Who's your husband?
289
00:12:57,371 --> 00:12:58,984
Oh, let's see. Where's Phil?
290
00:12:59,017 --> 00:13:00,328
Oh, uh, t-there he is.
291
00:13:00,353 --> 00:13:02,040
He's right between the
pub and the Hump Stump.
292
00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,235
- Babe. Babe!
- Hey. Hey, Phil.
293
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,515
So sorry.
294
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,688
Did you say "the Hump Stump"?
295
00:13:09,014 --> 00:13:12,039
Oh, yeah. It's a
popular after-hours spot
296
00:13:12,064 --> 00:13:13,250
for Rennies to...
297
00:13:13,448 --> 00:13:15,688
you know, love in the open air.
298
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,985
- "The Giving Tree," unabridged.
- Phil hates it.
299
00:13:18,010 --> 00:13:19,673
To be fair, it did give
him a massive splinter.
300
00:13:19,697 --> 00:13:21,074
That was a nightmare, it's true.
301
00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:22,641
Babe, I'm looking for my Kindle.
302
00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:25,039
- Phil said you had it last?
- Yes, yes, yes.
303
00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:27,775
It's in my yellow... It's
easier if I just get it for you.
304
00:13:27,969 --> 00:13:29,183
Do you think you can handle the booth
305
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,328
for 10 minutes on your own?
306
00:13:30,353 --> 00:13:32,039
I graduated summa cum laude.
307
00:13:32,064 --> 00:13:33,719
I think I can handle pork pockets.
308
00:13:33,744 --> 00:13:35,276
- Okay.
- Tankards and flagons...
309
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:36,869
- and jugs for sale!
- Let's go.
310
00:13:38,173 --> 00:13:39,634
One pork pocket, please.
311
00:13:39,659 --> 00:13:40,665
Sure.
312
00:13:47,933 --> 00:13:49,767
I'll get a turkey leg.
313
00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:08,114
With this sword, I dub thee Sir Daryl,
314
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,419
Knight of the Realm.
315
00:14:15,782 --> 00:14:17,958
Your Majesty, a word posthaste.
316
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:19,402
Posthaste now?
317
00:14:19,427 --> 00:14:22,474
Indeed, that being what
posthaste doth mean.
318
00:14:22,499 --> 00:14:24,927
What have I told you
about the Shake-splaing?
319
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,200
I dub these Lady Maya,
320
00:14:28,225 --> 00:14:30,403
Dame of County Essex.
321
00:14:33,745 --> 00:14:35,450
I think I just saw Colin.
322
00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:37,778
- Colin Hayes?
- Don't worry.
323
00:14:37,803 --> 00:14:39,428
I'll make sure you won't
have to talk to him.
324
00:14:39,452 --> 00:14:41,911
Oh, Colin did eight seasons
here as Robert Dudley,
325
00:14:41,936 --> 00:14:43,880
Earl of Leicester.
He's entitled to visit.
326
00:14:43,905 --> 00:14:46,317
I dub thee Sir Jayden,
327
00:14:46,342 --> 00:14:48,567
Knight of the Realm!
328
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,833
Is he also entitled to
tempt and torment you?
329
00:14:52,113 --> 00:14:54,451
Last time he visited, I
had to spoon you so long
330
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:55,866
our clothes stuck together.
331
00:14:57,505 --> 00:15:00,008
Did you know he'd be here
and deliberately not tell me?
332
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,763
Oh, please. Brian. Deliberately.
333
00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:04,653
You did know.
334
00:15:05,041 --> 00:15:07,106
So that's why you broke
things off with Jorgé.
335
00:15:07,131 --> 00:15:09,958
I dub thee Lady Alexa,
Dame of County Hamilton!
336
00:15:09,983 --> 00:15:12,052
It's José, and so what?
337
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,685
One can't mount two
productions on the same stage.
338
00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:16,128
You intend to mount?
339
00:15:16,153 --> 00:15:17,161
It's a metaphor.
340
00:15:17,186 --> 00:15:18,794
It's a synonym.
341
00:15:21,706 --> 00:15:24,286
- Jesus.
- Food service, no bueno.
342
00:15:24,311 --> 00:15:27,044
- What else you got?
- Uh, okay, uh...
343
00:15:27,069 --> 00:15:28,169
Boothie.
344
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,263
Crafter. Gamer.
345
00:15:31,482 --> 00:15:33,638
You're probably too
small to be a push monkey.
346
00:15:35,413 --> 00:15:36,614
A push monkey?
347
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:39,005
Yeah, the guys that push
the swings and stuff.
348
00:15:39,191 --> 00:15:41,248
- They run the rides.
- And they're referred to
349
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,106
- as monkeys.
- Yeah, well, it's that
350
00:15:43,131 --> 00:15:46,044
or motion-generating
entertainment specialists.
351
00:15:46,896 --> 00:15:48,966
I'm kidding. It's monkeys.
352
00:15:50,053 --> 00:15:51,825
God save the Queen!
353
00:15:53,608 --> 00:15:54,763
Your Grace.
354
00:15:55,298 --> 00:15:58,513
I am most humbled to be
in your presence this day.
355
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,458
Arise, good sir.
356
00:16:01,608 --> 00:16:04,208
Hast thou e'er been told you
do resemble Robert Dudley,
357
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:07,575
Earl of Leicester, who once
did frequent this shire?
358
00:16:07,797 --> 00:16:09,388
It hath been remarked upon.
359
00:16:09,673 --> 00:16:11,864
I am told he was thought quite handsome.
360
00:16:13,044 --> 00:16:14,552
Uh, but today,
361
00:16:14,577 --> 00:16:17,185
I am Claudius Hollyband,
if it please you.
362
00:16:17,389 --> 00:16:19,825
Linguist, philologist,
and lexicographer.
363
00:16:19,850 --> 00:16:21,685
Ah. A weaver of words, then?
364
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,795
A weaver of words, a student of syntax,
365
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,614
a parser of paragraphs.
366
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:27,850
Indeed. Then you would
be well acquainted
367
00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:30,021
with terms such as "miscreant,"
368
00:16:30,046 --> 00:16:32,106
"vagabond," and "lothario"?
369
00:16:32,564 --> 00:16:35,177
Academically, which be far different
370
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,310
than were I to be termed
371
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:39,255
a "contumelious pantywaist dilettante."
372
00:16:40,809 --> 00:16:41,809
Uh...
373
00:16:42,954 --> 00:16:45,802
Well played, good sirs, well played.
374
00:16:45,827 --> 00:16:47,078
Such sporting wit.
375
00:16:47,103 --> 00:16:48,536
Your Grace, if I may beg a boon,
376
00:16:48,561 --> 00:16:51,028
I would a word with you, uh, alone.
377
00:16:52,076 --> 00:16:53,146
Really?
378
00:16:54,051 --> 00:16:55,575
An' it would please me...
379
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,036
But we must away,
380
00:16:57,355 --> 00:17:00,107
for our Queen's appointments
are many and her hours few.
381
00:17:00,132 --> 00:17:03,442
Yea, but the joust is
not until 1:00 and 30.
382
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,591
Better three hours too
soon than a minute too late.
383
00:17:06,770 --> 00:17:08,605
Anon, Master Holly-bland.
384
00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:10,044
- But...
- I said anon.
385
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,138
Really? Three hours?
386
00:17:16,257 --> 00:17:17,926
That's the line.
"Merry Wives of Windsor."
387
00:17:17,951 --> 00:17:19,671
More like "Bored Wives of Windsor."
388
00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:23,321
Holding his sword
389
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,179
but bereft of his shield...
390
00:17:25,204 --> 00:17:26,622
Oh? Oh. Aw.
391
00:17:27,944 --> 00:17:29,451
... the valiant young knight
392
00:17:29,476 --> 00:17:32,104
- told the dragon to...
- Yield!
393
00:17:32,129 --> 00:17:33,240
Why not stop?
394
00:17:33,265 --> 00:17:35,684
Yield seems like it's delaying things.
395
00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:37,052
- So do you.
- Oh, that's because
396
00:17:37,077 --> 00:17:38,232
I know what's coming.
397
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:40,169
We all do. It's why
they have garbage bags.
398
00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:41,623
Oh. Can I have one?
399
00:17:41,648 --> 00:17:44,021
If your performance stays
at this level, absolutely.
400
00:17:44,046 --> 00:17:45,865
Ohh!
401
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,748
But the dragon was cunning
and clever and smart.
402
00:17:50,222 --> 00:17:54,302
He laid down, turned around,
and spewed forth a great...
403
00:17:54,327 --> 00:17:55,771
Shart!
404
00:17:55,796 --> 00:17:57,748
Aah!
405
00:17:58,295 --> 00:18:00,714
Aah. Ah.
406
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:04,857
And so ends our tale of bravery and wit.
407
00:18:05,044 --> 00:18:08,162
But mostly of jokes
that were all about...
408
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,029
clever wordplay.
409
00:18:14,281 --> 00:18:16,162
Thank you, thank you,
410
00:18:16,838 --> 00:18:19,216
lords and ladies. Gramercy.
411
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:21,943
If thou didst enjoy the show,
412
00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:24,123
please put something in the hat.
413
00:18:24,148 --> 00:18:27,485
Even small coins, they,
uh... they make a difference.
414
00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:30,880
But if you don't have any coins,
we also accept sexual favors.
415
00:18:30,905 --> 00:18:32,584
Please don't put those in the hat.
416
00:18:32,741 --> 00:18:34,637
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
417
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:39,599
Hey.
418
00:18:40,624 --> 00:18:42,123
- You okay?
- Tip-top.
419
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:45,209
Yeah, but nip not top.
420
00:18:45,235 --> 00:18:47,327
Let me get you some of Lulu's
breast milk to put on it.
421
00:18:47,351 --> 00:18:49,978
- Stuff will cure cancer.
- Don't have cancer.
422
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,753
- Mm, fixed my ear infection.
- Don't have an ear infection.
423
00:18:52,778 --> 00:18:54,209
- It's good in coffee...
- Stop.
424
00:18:56,127 --> 00:18:58,591
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
425
00:18:58,616 --> 00:18:59,693
You're... You're hot.
426
00:19:00,076 --> 00:19:01,202
Go rest.
427
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,287
No.
428
00:19:02,769 --> 00:19:04,662
Pizzle Wanksworth Humpsalot,
429
00:19:05,253 --> 00:19:06,521
you'll do as you're told.
430
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:10,281
Fine.
431
00:19:10,808 --> 00:19:11,808
Fine.
432
00:19:14,984 --> 00:19:15,984
No!
433
00:19:17,828 --> 00:19:20,320
Mama, he... he's pushing me!
434
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,537
Leave me alone!
435
00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:27,334
Mama! He's not leaving me alone!
436
00:19:52,130 --> 00:19:54,182
- Hope he feels better.
- Thanks.
437
00:19:54,207 --> 00:19:55,526
Oh, uh...
438
00:19:56,517 --> 00:19:58,686
Huzzah for the tipper!
439
00:19:58,711 --> 00:20:00,596
Never gets old.
440
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,791
Look, Mommy. What is this?
441
00:20:06,816 --> 00:20:08,158
No, no, no, no, no.
442
00:20:08,371 --> 00:20:11,322
No, no, no, uh, hey,
no, ooh, ooh, ah, ah.
443
00:20:11,347 --> 00:20:13,474
This be a sheep's bladder.
444
00:20:13,499 --> 00:20:14,625
Like a balloon?
445
00:20:14,650 --> 00:20:17,143
Yes! Like a balloon!
446
00:20:17,168 --> 00:20:18,168
Blow it up.
447
00:20:20,187 --> 00:20:21,666
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it up.
448
00:20:41,893 --> 00:20:43,213
And now the ring of six.
449
00:20:45,098 --> 00:20:47,057
Would you prefer to
use my saliva or yours?
450
00:20:47,082 --> 00:20:48,229
Go for it.
451
00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:01,368
Stick?
452
00:21:06,521 --> 00:21:07,721
I don't want to talk about it.
453
00:21:09,499 --> 00:21:12,027
From here, the venom will find the wound.
454
00:21:13,263 --> 00:21:14,668
Stick.
455
00:21:15,304 --> 00:21:17,238
I know, but you try telling him.
456
00:21:20,605 --> 00:21:21,895
Repeat after me.
457
00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:24,584
- "I am the light."
- I am the light.
458
00:21:24,609 --> 00:21:27,043
- "I am the spirit."
- I am spirit.
459
00:21:28,808 --> 00:21:30,793
That the freaking Amazonian frog venom?
460
00:21:31,782 --> 00:21:32,992
Stick.
461
00:21:33,017 --> 00:21:34,816
Oh, yo, did you get that aspirin?
462
00:21:35,658 --> 00:21:36,730
Damn it.
463
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:38,738
I'm sorry, man.
464
00:21:39,373 --> 00:21:41,754
I had a situa... tion.
465
00:21:42,315 --> 00:21:43,590
You don't need aspirin.
466
00:21:43,776 --> 00:21:44,776
You have me.
467
00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:46,297
"I am the soul."
468
00:21:46,322 --> 00:21:47,887
Yeah, baby, you know you are.
469
00:21:48,184 --> 00:21:49,387
No, repeat.
470
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:50,738
"I am the soul."
471
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,910
Maybe I need a real doctor.
472
00:21:54,084 --> 00:21:55,098
Define "real."
473
00:21:58,581 --> 00:22:00,793
Good. It's working.
474
00:22:17,976 --> 00:22:20,234
Will you stop being a... blocker?
475
00:22:20,259 --> 00:22:22,437
Stop being a... gawker.
476
00:22:23,036 --> 00:22:24,328
Colin walked out on you.
477
00:22:24,353 --> 00:22:25,605
Now he gets to walk back in?
478
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:27,798
Enough, I say. Enough, enough, enough!
479
00:22:27,823 --> 00:22:29,585
Stand down, Malvolio.
480
00:22:29,610 --> 00:22:30,929
I'm a big girl.
481
00:22:32,344 --> 00:22:35,820
The day's announcements, Your Majesty.
482
00:22:42,449 --> 00:22:46,367
Lords and ladies, gentles
all, I do entreat you
483
00:22:46,392 --> 00:22:49,226
to join me this day at our Royal Joust,
484
00:22:49,251 --> 00:22:53,557
where our bravest knights
battle for honor and glory.
485
00:22:56,384 --> 00:23:00,764
Today, we honor Lady Linda
Sippey and Lord Eric Fundling
486
00:23:00,789 --> 00:23:02,987
upon their fourth anniversary.
487
00:23:03,012 --> 00:23:04,931
- Month.
- Month-iversary.
488
00:23:04,956 --> 00:23:08,801
Fourth monthiversary.
A full 120 days. Huzzah.
489
00:23:08,826 --> 00:23:10,244
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
490
00:23:10,269 --> 00:23:12,527
Duchess Carol Denbo is here
491
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,061
celebrating her 60th natal day.
492
00:23:15,086 --> 00:23:16,087
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
493
00:23:16,112 --> 00:23:18,450
Congratulations to Joseph Oswald
494
00:23:18,475 --> 00:23:20,393
for coming out to his grandparents,
495
00:23:20,418 --> 00:23:22,176
visiting from the colony of Maine.
496
00:23:22,291 --> 00:23:25,043
- Very brave, sir Joseph.
- Huzzah!
497
00:23:25,068 --> 00:23:29,030
Vanessa Ho-Chin, we commend
your passing of the bar.
498
00:23:29,055 --> 00:23:31,129
- Huzzah!
- And finally,
499
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,277
we celebrate love
500
00:23:33,532 --> 00:23:36,660
with the betrothal of Lady Emily Shaw
501
00:23:36,685 --> 00:23:38,238
to Lord Colin...
502
00:23:40,617 --> 00:23:41,617
Hayes.
503
00:23:41,642 --> 00:23:43,519
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
504
00:23:46,030 --> 00:23:47,691
Uh, water.
505
00:23:47,716 --> 00:23:49,027
I need water.
506
00:23:49,423 --> 00:23:50,423
Uh...
507
00:23:54,508 --> 00:23:56,100
Congratulations to all.
508
00:23:56,125 --> 00:23:59,107
And brevity being the soul of wit,
509
00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:01,287
lay on, MacDuff,
510
00:24:02,555 --> 00:24:05,897
for all the world's a stage, right?
511
00:24:10,990 --> 00:24:15,068
Now jousters to joust
and musicians to play,
512
00:24:15,093 --> 00:24:17,818
as I, Will Shakespeare, will away.
513
00:24:26,976 --> 00:24:28,709
That's what he wanted
to talk to me about.
514
00:24:28,734 --> 00:24:30,287
- Maggie...
- You should have let him.
515
00:24:30,830 --> 00:24:33,131
And if I'd known, I would have.
516
00:24:33,975 --> 00:24:34,990
Maybe.
517
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:39,240
My intention was to not
let you get hurt again.
518
00:24:39,595 --> 00:24:40,701
Good intentions.
519
00:24:40,726 --> 00:24:42,756
They never fail to screw me over.
520
00:24:42,990 --> 00:24:44,288
And what if he had spoken to you?
521
00:24:44,312 --> 00:24:45,999
- What would it have changed?
- Well, I could have...
522
00:24:46,023 --> 00:24:47,525
I would have had some warning.
523
00:24:48,304 --> 00:24:49,315
Yes.
524
00:24:49,474 --> 00:24:51,092
Warning that the man
who broke your heart
525
00:24:51,117 --> 00:24:53,826
was back to rub your
nose in it, publicly?
526
00:24:53,851 --> 00:24:55,287
He's such a dick.
527
00:24:55,772 --> 00:24:56,951
Always was.
528
00:24:57,586 --> 00:24:59,936
So why do I keep looking
back and wondering, "What if?"
529
00:25:02,524 --> 00:25:05,615
Because he's the... who got away.
530
00:25:06,406 --> 00:25:08,506
He didn't get away. I let him go.
531
00:25:08,866 --> 00:25:12,740
Off to the suburbs to a regular
job and a-a regular life.
532
00:25:13,427 --> 00:25:15,397
You could have gone
with him and had it, too.
533
00:25:16,059 --> 00:25:18,561
But you chose Queen and country
534
00:25:18,586 --> 00:25:21,865
over a convenient and
conventional union,
535
00:25:22,691 --> 00:25:24,428
just like the real Elizabeth.
536
00:25:26,516 --> 00:25:28,350
Probably die like her, too...
537
00:25:29,057 --> 00:25:31,143
bald and surrounded by pugs.
538
00:25:31,168 --> 00:25:34,006
But beloved, forever beloved.
539
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,608
Victoria had the pugs, not Elizabeth.
540
00:25:36,632 --> 00:25:37,943
- Oh, damn it, Brian.
- Sorry.
541
00:25:42,108 --> 00:25:44,420
Stay. I got it.
542
00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:55,701
Ladies and gentlemen, to the joust!
543
00:25:55,726 --> 00:25:57,443
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
544
00:26:22,045 --> 00:26:23,088
Kombucha?
545
00:26:23,113 --> 00:26:25,447
Jesus, Cyril. Okay.
546
00:26:25,845 --> 00:26:27,306
Gross.
547
00:26:28,279 --> 00:26:30,156
Hey. Don't panic.
548
00:26:30,181 --> 00:26:31,275
It's organic.
549
00:26:31,623 --> 00:26:33,441
- Ew.
- What, you got something
550
00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:35,579
- against manure?
- Got something for it?
551
00:26:35,604 --> 00:26:36,604
Yeah.
552
00:26:37,621 --> 00:26:39,306
Funk of the earth, huh?
553
00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,126
What begins as grass
554
00:26:41,151 --> 00:26:44,072
becomes the power of those
beasties' mighty haunches,
555
00:26:44,097 --> 00:26:45,681
becomes speed, and then,
556
00:26:45,706 --> 00:26:48,595
once expelled, becomes grass again.
557
00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:50,341
So...
558
00:26:52,456 --> 00:26:53,464
Kombucha?
559
00:26:54,284 --> 00:26:56,011
I foraged the rose hips myself.
560
00:26:56,427 --> 00:26:58,620
And hard pass.
561
00:27:03,573 --> 00:27:04,573
Oh, my God.
562
00:27:05,056 --> 00:27:06,386
It doesn't recognize me.
563
00:27:07,021 --> 00:27:08,737
My phone doesn't know who I am.
564
00:27:09,776 --> 00:27:11,147
Look at me. Look at me!
565
00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:13,091
Does my face not look like my face?
566
00:27:13,116 --> 00:27:15,644
Oof, scoby's off.
567
00:27:30,995 --> 00:27:31,995
Hey.
568
00:27:32,281 --> 00:27:33,322
Hey what?
569
00:27:33,703 --> 00:27:35,447
Hey, I'm sorry?
570
00:27:35,550 --> 00:27:37,177
Hey, I love you?
571
00:27:37,202 --> 00:27:38,588
Hey, can we work things out?
572
00:27:38,613 --> 00:27:39,916
Can you just stop saying hey?
573
00:27:40,407 --> 00:27:42,002
I can't with the hay right now.
574
00:27:42,488 --> 00:27:44,657
You look different... good different.
575
00:27:44,682 --> 00:27:46,542
Like, earthy.
576
00:27:46,729 --> 00:27:47,729
Thanks?
577
00:27:48,093 --> 00:27:49,628
Yeah, no, I...
578
00:27:50,541 --> 00:27:53,292
Look, I'm beyond sorry
that what I did upset you.
579
00:27:55,094 --> 00:27:56,734
But I also know that
we're better together
580
00:27:57,095 --> 00:27:59,464
- and that it takes two to make a...
- "Thing go right"?
581
00:28:00,295 --> 00:28:01,819
- I swear to God, Brett...
- That it takes two
582
00:28:01,843 --> 00:28:03,586
to make a relationship work,
583
00:28:03,898 --> 00:28:05,279
to share in its joys,
584
00:28:05,878 --> 00:28:08,091
but also to shoulder its burdens.
585
00:28:08,352 --> 00:28:11,193
What kind of TED Talk
bull... are you on, Brett?
586
00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:12,918
Shoulder its burdens?
587
00:28:12,943 --> 00:28:14,755
You cheated on me on our wedding day.
588
00:28:15,044 --> 00:28:16,419
Why should I shoulder that burden?
589
00:28:16,444 --> 00:28:18,822
- Because we're a couple.
- Yeah, which means two,
590
00:28:18,847 --> 00:28:22,224
not two and then the
occasional out-of-network beej.
591
00:28:22,249 --> 00:28:24,356
Bonjour, monsieur. Tout est d'accord ?
592
00:28:24,859 --> 00:28:26,804
- Oh, my God.
- Merci.
593
00:28:27,502 --> 00:28:29,031
Are you in St. Barts?
594
00:28:29,864 --> 00:28:32,242
Are you on our... honeymoon?!
595
00:28:33,498 --> 00:28:36,359
Dr. Bloom after said after
a major emotional trauma
596
00:28:36,384 --> 00:28:37,952
to prioritize self-care.
597
00:28:38,990 --> 00:28:41,257
And the tickets were non-refundable...
598
00:28:41,989 --> 00:28:42,989
No.
599
00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:44,538
No, no, no, no, no.
600
00:28:44,563 --> 00:28:47,007
I am not done yelling at you!
601
00:28:47,223 --> 00:28:49,410
Oh, come on, data plan. Come on, Wi-Fi.
602
00:28:49,607 --> 00:28:52,379
Oh. My kingdom for some Wi-Fi!
603
00:28:56,139 --> 00:28:57,287
Yes.
604
00:28:59,118 --> 00:29:00,154
Finally.
605
00:29:04,004 --> 00:29:05,184
Coward!
606
00:29:05,769 --> 00:29:07,846
I hope you go on our scuba excursion
607
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:09,824
and get ... raped by an electric eel.
608
00:29:13,392 --> 00:29:15,714
Oh, my God. Amanda.
You guys, it's Amanda.
609
00:29:15,739 --> 00:29:17,199
- Oh!
- Oh! Hi!
610
00:29:17,224 --> 00:29:19,317
Hi. Morgan...
611
00:29:19,496 --> 00:29:20,678
We're getting drinks.
612
00:29:20,702 --> 00:29:21,995
Miss you, bitch.
613
00:29:22,020 --> 00:29:24,403
Ugh. Mocktails. So over it.
614
00:29:24,428 --> 00:29:26,591
- Morgan?
- How's rehab?
615
00:29:26,616 --> 00:29:28,118
Lexi, she's not in rehab.
616
00:29:28,143 --> 00:29:29,770
That's just what we're
saying. Did you...
617
00:29:29,795 --> 00:29:32,130
Lexi, stop waving the phone around.
618
00:29:32,155 --> 00:29:33,567
I just want to see.
619
00:29:33,592 --> 00:29:34,779
Lex... Lexi.
620
00:29:35,756 --> 00:29:37,133
Morgan, take the phone from Lexi.
621
00:29:37,158 --> 00:29:38,567
- Ohh.
- Hi.
622
00:29:38,592 --> 00:29:41,247
Okay. I just spoke to Brett.
623
00:29:41,272 --> 00:29:43,654
About the story the Post? I know. I saw.
624
00:29:43,679 --> 00:29:45,396
But don't worry. Honestly,
I didn't share it,
625
00:29:45,420 --> 00:29:46,659
and don't freak out about the comments.
626
00:29:46,659 --> 00:29:47,874
It's not a big deal. It's gonna be fine.
627
00:29:47,898 --> 00:29:49,273
- That's not what I was gonna say.
- I didn't share it, either,
628
00:29:49,297 --> 00:29:51,383
and... and truly, people have moved on.
629
00:29:51,633 --> 00:29:53,176
You know the Central Park polar bear,
630
00:29:53,201 --> 00:29:55,319
the one with autism? He drowned.
631
00:29:55,672 --> 00:29:57,108
- He drowned?
- Yeah.
632
00:29:57,133 --> 00:29:58,801
I'm not calling about the Post!
633
00:29:58,826 --> 00:30:01,905
Hey, I also didn't share. And
I know this is a weird time,
634
00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:04,983
but are you reimbursing us
for the bridesmaid dresses?
635
00:30:05,212 --> 00:30:06,212
No.
636
00:30:06,699 --> 00:30:09,444
Did you guys know that
Brett is on my our honeymoon?
637
00:30:10,433 --> 00:30:12,366
I'm sorry. I didn't
know we weren't supposed
638
00:30:12,391 --> 00:30:14,554
- to share the story.
- Give Morgan the...
639
00:30:14,579 --> 00:30:16,179
- I feel bad.
- Give the phone to Morgan.
640
00:30:16,204 --> 00:30:18,576
But it got a bunch of likes
and a ton of sad faces, and
641
00:30:18,601 --> 00:30:19,734
- those are hard to do, because...
- All right, all right, all right.
642
00:30:19,758 --> 00:30:20,758
What...
643
00:30:21,832 --> 00:30:23,507
Lexi? Morgan.
644
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:25,335
Are you guys there?
645
00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:26,991
Are you there?!
646
00:30:28,318 --> 00:30:31,350
Hey. Would you mind turning
the volume down just a touch?
647
00:30:31,584 --> 00:30:32,843
I'm trying to nap.
648
00:30:34,076 --> 00:30:35,600
I need a drink.
649
00:30:37,963 --> 00:30:40,803
So this is your usual coping mechanism.
650
00:30:40,828 --> 00:30:43,366
I am not an alcoholic.
651
00:30:44,162 --> 00:30:46,647
People who buy Sour Apple
vodka are alcoholics.
652
00:30:46,672 --> 00:30:48,508
Oh, I'm glad to see that
you're taking things seriously
653
00:30:48,532 --> 00:30:49,639
on your first day.
654
00:30:50,384 --> 00:30:52,052
Says the guy who was napping.
655
00:30:52,077 --> 00:30:53,398
I was trying to just recover enough
656
00:30:53,422 --> 00:30:54,737
so that I could do the last show.
657
00:30:54,761 --> 00:30:57,569
Ew. Yeah, you need
to get that looked at.
658
00:30:57,594 --> 00:30:59,678
When I was working at Refinery29,
659
00:30:59,703 --> 00:31:00,827
I had an alarming lump,
660
00:31:00,852 --> 00:31:02,332
and I had to take the whole week off.
661
00:31:02,547 --> 00:31:04,163
'Cause they thought you had cancer?
662
00:31:04,392 --> 00:31:06,357
No, but I did.
663
00:31:06,510 --> 00:31:08,811
It was a fatty lipoma. Benign.
664
00:31:08,944 --> 00:31:10,897
And apparently hereditary.
665
00:31:11,692 --> 00:31:13,068
Cheers to a lifetime
666
00:31:13,093 --> 00:31:15,272
of outpatient fatty lipoma removals.
667
00:31:15,297 --> 00:31:17,264
Um, I don't know, sorry?
668
00:31:17,405 --> 00:31:18,405
Thanks.
669
00:31:19,866 --> 00:31:21,773
Now, when are you
gonna go to the doctor?
670
00:31:21,798 --> 00:31:24,007
I'm not. Do you have any
idea what that would cost?
671
00:31:24,205 --> 00:31:26,953
Who cares? Where I come
from, your health comes first.
672
00:31:26,978 --> 00:31:28,271
Yeah, well, where you come from,
673
00:31:28,296 --> 00:31:29,547
you have personal drivers,
674
00:31:29,572 --> 00:31:32,007
or better yet, a concierge physician.
675
00:31:32,210 --> 00:31:33,843
Why are you acting like this?
676
00:31:33,936 --> 00:31:36,522
It's not my fault that
your nipple's infected.
677
00:31:38,716 --> 00:31:39,716
What?
678
00:31:42,879 --> 00:31:45,554
- Heya!
- Whoa, shit. Hey.
679
00:31:45,579 --> 00:31:48,457
- Whatcha doing?
- Uh, nothing.
680
00:31:48,482 --> 00:31:50,472
I'm gon' go pee-pee.
681
00:31:51,023 --> 00:31:52,023
Cool.
682
00:31:53,549 --> 00:31:55,680
- What's this about?
- Oh, uh,
683
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:57,652
youthful rebellion, binge drinking,
684
00:31:57,677 --> 00:31:59,996
- and who doesn't love a coupon?
- Oh.
685
00:32:00,021 --> 00:32:02,254
- ♪ Here comes the bride ♪
- ♪ Comes the bride ♪
686
00:32:04,294 --> 00:32:06,963
Look, my finger's
engaged to your nipple.
687
00:32:07,595 --> 00:32:10,698
Whoa!
688
00:32:10,723 --> 00:32:13,198
Oh, my God.
689
00:32:16,027 --> 00:32:17,987
Maybe I am an alcoholic.
690
00:32:18,012 --> 00:32:19,292
You might be.
691
00:32:21,555 --> 00:32:23,277
I'm so sorry.
692
00:32:24,487 --> 00:32:25,988
I can't believe I did that.
693
00:32:26,013 --> 00:32:28,027
Yeah, it surprised me, too.
694
00:32:28,508 --> 00:32:30,769
First the Post, and now this.
695
00:32:31,116 --> 00:32:33,948
Why am I all of a sudden a
magnet for public humiliation
696
00:32:33,973 --> 00:32:35,261
and... and maiming?
697
00:32:38,481 --> 00:32:41,808
The only one that can
humiliate you is you.
698
00:32:41,948 --> 00:32:44,200
Who's that? Lao Tzu?
699
00:32:44,225 --> 00:32:46,269
Sun Tzu? Shih Tzu?
700
00:32:46,294 --> 00:32:47,386
It's me.
701
00:32:50,027 --> 00:32:51,695
I didn't tell anyone that you did it.
702
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:53,284
You didn't tell me I did it,
703
00:32:54,392 --> 00:32:56,386
which is insane.
704
00:32:56,878 --> 00:32:57,950
Where I come from,
705
00:32:57,975 --> 00:33:00,214
that kind of stuff trends
like hashtag-immediately.
706
00:33:00,239 --> 00:33:02,191
Yeah, well, this isn't
where you come from.
707
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:04,800
It's where you are.
708
00:33:06,405 --> 00:33:08,402
- You again?
- Me again.
709
00:33:09,943 --> 00:33:11,480
You're weirdly deep.
710
00:33:13,572 --> 00:33:14,572
Thanks.
711
00:33:16,142 --> 00:33:17,142
No.
712
00:33:18,394 --> 00:33:19,394
Thank you.
713
00:33:21,807 --> 00:33:22,807
You're welcome.
714
00:33:23,459 --> 00:33:25,323
Just close the door be... I'll get it.
715
00:33:32,731 --> 00:33:35,691
♪ Where they beg
all-in for me to sit on ♪
716
00:33:35,819 --> 00:33:39,652
♪ I'd sit on that man all day long ♪
717
00:33:39,718 --> 00:33:42,206
♪ And play and go whee, whee... ♪
718
00:33:42,231 --> 00:33:44,113
Aah! Good cuz!
719
00:33:44,451 --> 00:33:47,550
How didst thou fare on thy
first and inaugural day?
720
00:33:47,575 --> 00:33:50,119
Was it wonderfully wondrous?
Tell me. Tell me all.
721
00:33:51,448 --> 00:33:52,448
Oh.
722
00:33:57,075 --> 00:33:58,345
There, there.
723
00:34:00,014 --> 00:34:01,474
Let it all out.
724
00:34:03,038 --> 00:34:06,721
Whatever it is, it'll all be fine.
725
00:34:12,323 --> 00:34:15,799
How can you have known me
for one day and be nicer to me
726
00:34:15,824 --> 00:34:18,392
than the people who were
supposed to be in my wedding?
727
00:34:22,460 --> 00:34:25,721
Because... you're one of us now.
728
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,744
You're faire-mily.
729
00:34:32,032 --> 00:34:34,189
Oh, I don't know about that.
730
00:34:35,486 --> 00:34:37,502
This feels good.
731
00:34:40,741 --> 00:34:42,299
That's your Faire name.
732
00:34:44,027 --> 00:34:45,674
Something "Feelsgood."
733
00:34:46,832 --> 00:34:47,869
Titania.
734
00:34:48,247 --> 00:34:49,713
Okay, uh...
735
00:34:49,738 --> 00:34:50,955
Miranda.
736
00:34:51,888 --> 00:34:52,888
Uh...
737
00:34:53,773 --> 00:34:55,916
- Olivia.
- Ophelia?
738
00:34:56,503 --> 00:34:58,322
Hamlet's Ophelia lost her mind.
739
00:34:58,347 --> 00:35:00,056
It seems weirdly appropriate.
740
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,268
There you go.
741
00:35:04,722 --> 00:35:07,127
Ophelia Feelsgood.
742
00:35:07,650 --> 00:35:08,994
It's perfect.
743
00:35:13,197 --> 00:35:14,197
Hey.
744
00:35:15,470 --> 00:35:17,455
What job around here
makes the most money?
745
00:35:21,930 --> 00:35:23,838
Huzzah for the tipper!
746
00:35:24,191 --> 00:35:26,360
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
747
00:35:27,933 --> 00:35:29,852
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
748
00:35:33,355 --> 00:35:36,072
- Huzzah! Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
749
00:35:36,196 --> 00:35:38,228
Huzzah for the tipper!
750
00:35:39,254 --> 00:35:41,213
More chest, less shoulders.
751
00:35:41,412 --> 00:35:43,260
Huzzah for the tipper.
752
00:35:43,872 --> 00:35:45,650
Better. We'll work on it.
753
00:35:48,364 --> 00:35:50,642
You know, I thought this
would feel degrading,
754
00:35:50,667 --> 00:35:54,338
humiliating, and offensive,
but I'm actually having fun.
755
00:35:54,363 --> 00:35:56,991
Good! As long as
you're not an alcoholic.
756
00:35:57,016 --> 00:35:58,228
That's how we lost Gina.
757
00:35:58,253 --> 00:35:59,697
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
758
00:36:01,059 --> 00:36:02,978
You don't happen to
have a Sharpie, do you?
759
00:36:03,003 --> 00:36:04,619
Indeed, mistress.
760
00:36:06,001 --> 00:36:09,431
Behold, the Quill of Permanence.
761
00:36:10,678 --> 00:36:14,056
But if you don't have any coins,
we also accept sexual favors.
762
00:36:14,081 --> 00:36:15,853
Please don't put those in the hat.
763
00:36:16,033 --> 00:36:17,728
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
764
00:36:45,098 --> 00:36:46,313
God save the Queen!
765
00:36:46,338 --> 00:36:48,156
God save the Queen!
766
00:36:48,181 --> 00:36:50,781
- God save the Queen!
- God save the Queen!
767
00:36:59,396 --> 00:37:01,328
Stop! Courtiers, halt.
768
00:37:01,353 --> 00:37:02,399
Halt!
769
00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:03,595
Oh.
770
00:37:03,954 --> 00:37:04,954
Steady.
771
00:37:09,792 --> 00:37:11,168
Oh, Your Majesty.
772
00:37:11,193 --> 00:37:13,594
Uh, excuse me, but would it be possible
773
00:37:13,619 --> 00:37:15,525
if I could get a picture
of you with my daughter?
774
00:37:20,740 --> 00:37:22,188
- Of course.
- Oh.
775
00:37:22,855 --> 00:37:24,438
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello.
776
00:37:24,463 --> 00:37:25,463
Okay.
777
00:37:26,454 --> 00:37:27,789
- Hi, little one.
- Okay.
778
00:37:29,635 --> 00:37:31,977
Oh, thank you, Your Grace.
779
00:37:32,002 --> 00:37:33,250
Come here.
780
00:37:33,639 --> 00:37:35,695
Uh, may I show you something?
781
00:37:35,980 --> 00:37:39,203
My mom took this when...
when I was a baby.
782
00:37:40,075 --> 00:37:42,930
- Oh.
- This is, uh, you
783
00:37:43,017 --> 00:37:44,017
holding me.
784
00:37:44,225 --> 00:37:46,053
Indeed.
785
00:37:47,498 --> 00:37:48,716
And how old...
786
00:37:49,247 --> 00:37:50,286
Never mind.
787
00:37:50,915 --> 00:37:53,131
'Tis a portrait most wondrous.
788
00:37:53,622 --> 00:37:56,888
Thank thee, mistress,
and blessings upon you
789
00:37:56,913 --> 00:37:59,334
and your most glorious progeny.
790
00:38:00,123 --> 00:38:01,623
Oh, no, please.
791
00:38:01,648 --> 00:38:03,326
That's a copy for you.
792
00:38:03,721 --> 00:38:05,539
Thank you, Your Majesty.
793
00:38:07,531 --> 00:38:09,476
You see how much you mean to people?
794
00:38:10,147 --> 00:38:11,445
To some people.
795
00:38:11,937 --> 00:38:14,898
As long as men can
breathe or eyes can see,
796
00:38:15,134 --> 00:38:16,937
so long lives this.
797
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:19,294
And this gives life to thee.
798
00:38:19,552 --> 00:38:22,075
So long lives this.
799
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:25,231
So very, very long.
800
00:38:25,256 --> 00:38:27,426
Ah, this could be yesterday.
801
00:38:27,451 --> 00:38:28,911
Ah, would that it were,
802
00:38:29,035 --> 00:38:31,294
for then I could enjoy
my reign all over again.
803
00:38:33,076 --> 00:38:35,380
And especially your friendship.
804
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:37,622
You're high.
805
00:38:38,128 --> 00:38:40,051
Only a tiny, tiny little bit.
806
00:38:41,362 --> 00:38:43,739
Courtiers, musicians, good gentles all,
807
00:38:43,764 --> 00:38:45,809
our parade resumes!
808
00:39:27,385 --> 00:39:28,705
Keep it clean and dry.
809
00:39:28,730 --> 00:39:30,035
The stitches will dissolve on their own.
810
00:39:30,059 --> 00:39:32,168
And be sure you complete the
full course of antibiotics.
811
00:39:32,192 --> 00:39:34,729
Gotcha. And, uh, how do you feel
812
00:39:34,754 --> 00:39:36,534
about aggressive nipple play?
813
00:39:37,273 --> 00:39:38,479
For me or for you?
814
00:39:39,651 --> 00:39:40,651
Ow.
815
00:39:52,282 --> 00:39:53,805
Oh! Pizzle!
816
00:39:53,830 --> 00:39:55,266
It's me!
817
00:39:56,580 --> 00:39:58,110
P-Pizzle? Uh...
818
00:39:58,304 --> 00:39:59,525
David.
819
00:40:10,741 --> 00:40:12,892
So, did you, like,
have to study and stuff
820
00:40:12,917 --> 00:40:13,932
to be Queen?
821
00:40:15,012 --> 00:40:18,057
No, it's an inherited position,
like an actual monarchy.
822
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:19,831
Whoa. Cool.
823
00:40:19,856 --> 00:40:21,596
Of course I had to study.
824
00:40:21,978 --> 00:40:22,978
Okay.
825
00:40:25,081 --> 00:40:28,084
Um, Elizabeth was called
the Virgin Queen, you know.
826
00:40:28,679 --> 00:40:30,640
So you're a virgin?
827
00:40:31,872 --> 00:40:33,515
That's right.
828
00:40:34,274 --> 00:40:35,370
Now say it.
829
00:40:35,813 --> 00:40:37,815
Say I'm your dirty virgin queen.
830
00:40:38,453 --> 00:40:39,907
I'm your dirty virgin queen.
831
00:40:39,932 --> 00:40:41,870
Ugh, not you, peasant. Me!
832
00:40:42,241 --> 00:40:44,143
O-Oh. You're my dirty virgin queen.
833
00:40:44,168 --> 00:40:45,628
Oh, how dare you? Say it again.
834
00:40:45,653 --> 00:40:46,846
You're my dirty virgin queen.
835
00:40:46,871 --> 00:40:48,956
Oh, you naughty little stable boy!
836
00:40:54,848 --> 00:40:58,175
Oh! Guards, take him away.
837
00:40:58,465 --> 00:41:01,865
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.MY-SUBS.com
57194
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