All language subtitles for Loudermilk s02e04 White Rabbit.egg

Hanky Klocko's dead,

and our debt will be
buried with him forever.

Guys, Tony didn't kill anybody.

- It was me.
- What was you?

Killed him. I did it for you guys.

I'm hoping this can stay in the room.

- You're calling the cops, right?
- Absolutely.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SNIFFS] Have you been drinking, sir?

What? No.

I'd like to see your papers.

Okay.

I'm just gonna go to
my glove compartment

and get them for you.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]

Hey! Hey! You!

[CHUCKLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I mean, we... we all heard
that you'd been arrested.

It's really hard to prove a
murder case without a body,

and I hid it really well.

I don't get it.

How is it that this kid's
still walking around free?

He confessed to a murder
in front of 12 people.

Yeah, well, pinning a murder rap
on someone ain't that easy.

Yeah, it is! It's incredibly easy.

You have 12 people who
will testify in court

that he confessed.

Whoa, whoa. 11. I don't
want to get involved.

OFFICER: Yeah, right, but,
I'm gonna be honest here.

You guys aren't the most
credible witnesses.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, most of you have criminal records.

You're addicts and alcoholics

or you've been arrested
for prostitution.

What? Never!

I ain't talking about you.

Sorry, but until we find a body

or this guy walks into the
station and confesses to us,

this is just a missing persons case.

Officer Dreamy Eyes is right.

We've all had checkered pasts.

Our word isn't good enough
to rest a murder case on.

What the hell are we gonna do?

I can't sit in the room
with ol' creepy-ass,

dead-eyed killer Macaulay
Culkin. Mmm-mmm!

Exactly.

We can't have some
murderer looking at us.

It's going to fuck everything up.

Question is... Who's gonna
man up and deal with it?

Well, I guess that's gonna fall on me.

So you're gonna let him
know he's not welcome?

No, I'm gonna switch
up the meeting times

and not tell him.

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND
ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS]

So, I want to thank you all

for, uh, helping me with Dartgate,

and, uh, since then, I've been...

I've been feeling pretty
good. Real good.

All right, good.

Next time, though, when
you're thinking about

picking up, reach out to somebody.

Get rid of the 99-pound phone, yeah?

Uh, before we wrap this
up, I just want to say

this is the new meeting
time going forward.

Thank you for being flexible about it.

I think it's important,
we had a lot going on,

but we need to pull together,

and we need to focus on
what we're trying...

[PHONE KEYS TAPPING]

Hey.

Cisco.

- Present.
- Are you?

'Cause being present is about
more than just your presence.

- That's a good one.
- [KEYS TAPPING]

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah. You said, "Being present

"is about more than just your presence."

Are you taking notes?

- Dude, that's assault.
- Really?

What the fuck is "Loudermilk Says"?

It's my Twitter account.

Why does it have my name on it?

'Cause I started it

to document all the great
things you say in group.

You're tweeting out shit
that I say in here?

Hey, that's a clear
and present violation

of our anonymity policy!

I only use Loudermilk's name,
and he's listed as the leader

on the Sober Friend's website,
so shut up, you little weasel.

No, little weasel's right.

This is a private meeting, okay?

What's said in this room
should stay in this room.

I'm not putting anybody's
personal business,

just tidbits of Loudermilk's wisdom.

Loudermilk wisdom? Now
there's an oxymoron.

Last week's tweet had 800 retweets.

- Not so moronic.
- 800?

What, is that a lot?

CISCO: Yeah, it's not bad.

The account has almost 2,000 followers.

Yeah, Mugsy, just speak.

It's not homeroom. You don't have to...

Okay, okay. Listen.

I'm not an addiction
psychiatric specialist doctor,

but if it's helping more

than the people that are in this room,

that's a good thing, no?

I mean, why not help...
Was it thousands?

Rather than 12?

Okay, well, I guess if nobody
has a problem with it,

and, uh, Cisco's not putting
personal shit out there...

Though if it does come up,
you can let them know

I'm single, I have killer eyebrows,

and I'm a huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan.

Dude, I just finished saying,

there's no personal stuff on it.

It's about Loudermilk,
and only Loudermilk.

[CHUCKLES]

Why are you on my phone?

Oh, I'm looking at Cisco's
stupid Twitter thing.

I... I never knew I said so
many intelligent things.

"If you're an alky and
you pick up a drink,

"for all intensive purposes,
you're a dumb fuck."

You sure that's not Maya Angelou?

Fuck me. Cisco...

He wrote "for all intensive purposes."

It's "intents and purposes."

Now someone's going to
think I'm an idiot.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Check it out.

I got you some Shinola headphones.

How can you afford Shinola headphones?

I can't, but, uh, I know
you like them so much

because you got that turntable,

and did you know they're
made in Detroit,

and they pay their
employees pretty well,

so I thought this would be something...

There you go.

Hey!

I see you got the Vitamix I sent you.

You know what that is, right?

That is the Cadillac of
blenders right there, sir.

Look, if this is some kind of
feeble attempt to make amends,

why don't you focus on somebody else?

I'm not interested.

Well, everybody else has already
accepted my amends... es.

Who did you make amends to?

Lots of people.

Look, here. I made a list.

Okay, me and your mom is not a "list."

And I don't know how you managed that

because she's been dead for six years.

Prayer.

How come I'm not on there?

Uh, 'cause I didn't do anything to you.

No? You made this a very
unstable environment for me

when I was in the
beginning of my recovery.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Yeah? I also gave you
a free place to stay.

You know, Loudermilk wanted
to kick your scrawny ass

out on the street.

Fine. Apology accepted.

[SIGHS] Sam, come on.

Everybody I've apologized to
has accepted except for you.

How about the guy you ran
over when you were drunk?

- What guy?
- The homeless guy.

[SCOFFS]

I hit his shopping cart.

You want me to make amends for that?

Yeah.

Well... He's a vagrant.

I mean, they live a nomadic lifestyle.

I wouldn't be able to know
where to find him if I tried.

Why don't you try the
spot where you hit him?

It's not like he's a migrating buffalo.

They tend to stick in one area.

But he's a crazy person.

He thought his shopping cart was a car.

I mean, if I make amends for that,

he's going to think I'm
inviting him to the prom.

Better pick out a nice corsage.

Okay. I'm going to get going
back to my storage unit

where I no longer I have a roommate

and my neighbor is a hooker

who I'm pretty sure
stabbed a guy last night

- for short-changing her.
- Girl's got to get paid!

[SNEEZES]

[COUGHS]

Excuse me. Hey, how's it going?

My name's Ben, and I just
came here to apologize to you

for something that actually
happened a while back.

Of course.

Mr. Hit-and-Run.

Wow. Great memory.

You don't forget something like that.

You know my vehicle was
in the shop for a week.

And I feel awful,

which is why I came here
to apologize to you.

I... I had actually just
relapsed at the time.

I'm sure you know what that's like.

Not really, no, but I can empathize.

My brother struggles with addiction.

Messed up his whole life.

Every family's got one, I guess.

Yeah, okay.

Well, if we're done here,
I'll let you get back to it.

What if I'd been pushing
a stroller that day

with my toddler son inside?

Do you even have a son?

Oh, my God. Do you have no decency, sir?

How the heck would I know?

How cruel of you to torment me

with the fact that I am barren?

Jesus Christ.

But if I did have a son,
his lifeless, little body

would have been broken on the
hood of your fancy gold car.

Silver. Silver.

Oh, so sorry, Mr. Gatsby.

Sometimes I get my
precious metals confused.

- [SNEEZES]
- Oh, motherfucker!

So my boss Hal...
[MOCKINGLY] "I'm Hal"...

... screams at me in front of the
entire receiving department,

for no reason, zero reason.

No reason?

He screamed at you for
absolutely no reason?

What would your boss say if he
were sitting here right now?

Okay.

Well, he'd probably come in
here and go, "Mugsy, Mugsy,

what the fuck are you doing
here in this church rec room

when you're still on the clock?"

- Wait, you're still on the clock?
- Yeah, yeah.

I slip out all the time. Nobody knows.

But when I'm working, I'm working.

I don't slack off.

Okay.

Um... Just an observation, Mugsy,

but I've noticed that you
tend to lash out at people

even when you're often in the wrong.

Fuck you, ass-chin!

What's your point?

I'm just saying... Maybe you
should stop externalizing

every time something
goes wrong in your life.

LOUDERMILK: Yeah, ass-chin
does have a point, okay?

There's a reason that
externalize ends in "lies."

What's going on, Cisco?

You haven't written anything
down the whole meeting.

Just waiting for something good.

What about that "externalize"
thing I just said?

It's a little confusing.

Jesus, Loudermilk, not
everything you say

is tweet-tastic.

- "Tweet-tastic." Oh.
- [KEYS TAPPING]

Oh, come on. You're going
to write that down?

Yeah, it's funny and,
like, kind of profound

if you think about it.

You know, Cisco, I also say
a lot of insightful things

from time to time.

Maybe you can quote me.

Like what?

Okay, well, uh, life is like an onion.

You peel one layer at a time, and, uh...

Sometimes it makes you weep.

Okay. I was going to say "sometimes
it makes your fingers stink,"

but, yeah, six of one,
half a dozen of another.

Cisco, write this down.

I relate everything to Tetris.

If one thing that game's
taught me anything about life,

it's that errors pile up and
accomplishments disappear.

Whoa! Fuck, yeah.

I believe it was St.
Thomas Aquinas who said,

"The things we love define who we are."

Hm, I think that was actually
Flaubert that said that.

Flaubert.

Are y'all kidding me? Flaubert?

St. Thomas Aquinas?

Man, you all are a bunch
of motherfucking posers!

Thank you, Stevie. Thank you.

There's a lot of ego in
this room right now.

Way too much ego. It's concerning.

And let's not lose sight of the fact
that this is "Loudermilk Says."

Holy shit! We just hit 3,000 followers.

How is that even possible?

A lot of people retweeted
yesterday's tweet.

- Which one?
- Um.

"If the past calls, let
it go to voicemail.

"It has nothing new to say to you."

You know what I love about
what I did there is...

Loudermilk changed the meeting time!

I thought I told you about
that, though, right?

I did call you.

It doesn't matter.

We've got a couple minutes left.

Uh, so if you have something
that you do want to say,

just jump right in.

The time is all yours now.

Um, you know, so...

I'm sure you have a lot on your mind.

Hmm. No.

Okay. Good meeting.

Um, just leave the chairs where they are

'cause I think we're...
we're gonna be back.

BEN: Go away!

Is there a Ben in there with you?

Oh, great.

What are you? Slumming?

Uh, no.

We wanted to stop by, see
if you were doing okay.

What happened to your eye?

Funny story... The homeless gentleman

that you had me make amends with?

- He spat in it.
- Oh, God.

You must've been pissed.

- Hey, Ben.
- Hey. How's it going, Eugene?

He claims it was a sneeze,

but, uh, there was no
build-up or warning, just...

right in my eye.

- Do most sneezes have a warning?
- Yeah, they do.

It's the "Ah, ah" part of the "Ah-choo."

This was just "Choo!" Just bang.

Man, that really doesn't look good.

I mean, I think you might
have some kind of,

like, flesh-eating thing.

You know, when you
share spit with a bum,

you're sharing every Dumpster
gumbo he's ever slurped down.

Oh, geez. It really itches bad.

- It's like...
- Well, stop rubbing it.

You're making it worse.

Thanks, buddy. That's
really sweet of you.

I have an appointment with a
doctor later today, so...

Well, you should bring
that homeless guy.

Have him tested, too.

- Seriously?
- Yeah. Whatever he gave you

might not show up in
your blood for months,

but they can test him now, and
you can get a beat on it.

That makes sense.

Jesus. [SIGHS]

You guys want to come in?

- No.
- No.

Thank you.

Hey, man. Hey.

Ah. [CHUCKLES] Well,
well, look who's back.

You come to give me another
half-baked apology?

No, but I got to thinking to myself.

I got to do something nice for
this gentlemen, you know,

just to make up for that
half-assed apology.

Can you get to the point,
sir? I'm trying to work here.

Hey. Ooh.

Look, as I was walking up the street,

I was thinking maybe I
could take the gentleman

for a cup of coffee, and
then you don't need that.

And then, I thought, oh,

how about I buy some
more window cleaner?

But looks like you're
pretty well topped up.

And then it hit me.

How about a medical checkup?

- Medical checkup?
- Yeah, a medical checkup.

Yeah, I can't imagine you
get those very often.

[SCOFFS] And why, pray
tell would you think

I don't get proper medical care?

Well, be... because... You
know, you're homeless.

Excuse me, sir? I have a home.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Right there.

You know, not everyone has

a "traditional"
brick-and-mortar dwelling, sir.

- Yeah?
- I don't need much room,

and I like the fact that my
carbon footprint is small.

Right. So what do you say, huh?

Are you going to let me
take you to an appointment?

'Cause if you don't, I'll tell you what.

I'm going to come right
back down here every day

and pester you until you say "yes."

- Really?
- No, this is your only shot.

Hmm.

Well, you know, there
are a couple things

I wouldn't mind getting looked at.

I do have a curious nodule
on my undercarriage.

Hunh. You know, "Case
of the Curious Nodule"

is my favorite Sherlock Holmes mystery.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, hey, there you go!

Come on. Look, I already
made an appointment,

and it's on me. What do you say?

- All right.
- There we go. That's a guy.

Gentlemen, who should I talk to first?

Ben or Barrington?

Uh, you can talk to both of us.

Barrington? Really?

What?

I ran a full battery of tests,

and all the blood-work came back clean.

Oh! Thank the lucky stars.

Okay, cool. So this...

This thing where he sneezed in my eye?

- This is nothing?
- Just a sty.

It'll go away if you stop rubbing it.

And for the record, I did
not sneeze in your eye.

I sneezed in your eye's
general direction.

Yeah?

Well, it felt like I was sitting
in the first row at SeaWorld.

[SCOFFS] Figures. You
would go to SeaWorld.

- Oh, great. Okay.
- This is insulting.

- Take me home.
- Not so fast.

It's... not all good.

Barrington, you have
serious coronary issues.

- How serious?
- You need a triple by-pass.

What?

Wow.

Yeah, that is certainly serious.

You know, I'm gonna let
you two sort this out.

- And, uh, hey, good luck.
- [DOOR OPENS]

You're leaving?

You said this was on you?

Well, yeah, I mean, yeah,

when I thought they
were going to give you,

you know, like a tube of Lotrimin

or a tetanus shot, not
open-heart surgery.

I mean...

I get it.

Great.

[SIGHS]

All right. Look. How much
is this going to cost?

It's like triple
by-pass, so that's what?

1, 2, $300?

It's a bit more than that.

We've got people who can
talk about a payment plan.

Super. Excellent. That makes sense.

Or, you know, if we're smart,

and since he's probably headed
in that direction anyway,

we can wait until he needs
a quadruple by-pass,

then we'll just knock them
all out at the same time.

- How about that?
- Let me state this as clearly as I can.

If Barrington doesn't
have heart surgery ASAP,

he's a ticking time bomb.

Mm-hmm. Okay, now, when
you say "time bomb,"

how long or short is that fuse?

A time bomb don't have a fuse.

It just blows.

WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Ross, Maternity.

Dr. Ross, Maternity.

Wow.

Am I ever glad you talked
me into coming here today.

You saved my life, brother.

Happy to help.

I'll tell you what.

You work my corner while
I'm laid up in here

and put the money towards
my medical bills,

we'll call it even.

You want me to wash
windshields on the street?

Uh, no.

Look, don't worry about it.

I'll figure out another
way to get the money.

No, it's not just about the money, sir.

It's taken me years to claim
that little chunk of real estate

and build up my clientele.

Clientele?

Look, I'm not hanging out in your corner

for the next two or three weeks.

- That's insane.
- Fine.

- Then I'm out of here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, come on. Get back down there.

Look, I've been hanging
out in the finance office

for the past three hours,
filling out papers for you.

Blood has been spilled defending
that corner from interlopers, sir.

If I'm laid up here,
even for a couple days,

someone will claim it.

And the thought of that
is stressing me out!

Oh, boy, oh, wow, there it is.

Nurse!

It really does feel like an
elephant's on your chest.

Okay. Look, look, look. I'll do...

I'll do it, okay? I'll do it.

- Where is everybody?
- Don't worry about them.

I need to talk to you... alone.

Why don't you have a seat?

[SIGHS]

Listen. I know you've had a tough life.

You mentioned that your
dad was a bad man.

I'm guessing he had his own
substance-abuse issues...

Probably beat on you and your mom?

No, no, no. No. Nothing like that.

Okay, well, whatever he did...

He said I had to be out of his
place by my 25th birthday.

That seems pretty... reasonable...

But hey, I... I wasn't there.

He didn't tell me until
my 24th birthday.

It was my birthday, man.

Hmm.

Yeah, I can s...

I'm just gonna say it, okay?

You got to confess to the police.

You got to tell them everything.

You got to tell them where the body is.

Why would I do that?

Because this program,

these meetings that you've
been attending regularly

for the last couple of months...

- Two years.
- Two years.

It's all about rigorous honesty, okay?

And trying to live with
a thing like this,

it's going to eat your ass up, man.

It's going to send you back
to the bottle, to the H,

to whatever your drug of choice was.

- Pot.
- To the pot.

Really. It... Pot.

Yeah. Pot is bad.

Pot is... is... It's really bad.

- Um, it was just pot?
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Pot's a gateway to more pot.

[SIGHS]

If I tell the cops what I
did, they'll lock me up.

Well, we don't know that.

You didn't kill that guy until
after he threatened us, right?

So that's like self-defense.

Were you the one who
called the cops on me?

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Yeah.

Yeah, that was me.

I... Rigorous honesty, right?

I was looking out for my group...

and for you.

Look...

Here's the deal.

You got to pay the price for the
things you do in this life,

and you can pay it now
and get it over with

or you're going to pay it later.

Later's always worse.

I know it seems crazy, but this...

this is the easiest way.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Okay what?

I'll turn myself in.

You're making the right decision.

I am really proud of you, um...

- Walter.
- Walter.

Walter. Really, really proud.

How about I take you to the station,

make sure they treat you right.

- All right.
- Yeah.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hey, um, Loudermilk...

Yeah?

You think I can come back to
the group when I get out?

Absolutely, Walter.

You can always come back.

There we go. All right.

Okay. Nice.

Thank you very much! Hey, come again!

Shit! Hey, buddy! Hey!

This is my corner! All right?

I'm a big, crazy mama dog
with eight swollen nipples!

And nobody's gonna take my babies!

Take it easy there, big fella.

I own the cafe down the street.

I just wanted to give you
some of our day-old bread.

Oh. Oh, what a lovely gesture.

I'm sorry for hollering.
Thank you very much.

I'm actually doing the
no-carb thing right now,

but it's my cheat day,
so I appreciate it.

Thanks.

Hey, mama dog.

Need some water?

Oh, water would be great. Yeah.

No way this bread is just one-day old.

How'd you know where I was?

One of the group guys saw
you and was worried.

I'm just making amends, you know.

The homeless guy, he's,
uh... he's in the hospital,

so I'm just watching his
corner until he gets out.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, it's, uh, rush hour,

so I should probably
get back to the grind.

But, uh, thank you.

Thanks for coming by, Sam.

Hey, Ben.

Um... Listen, I've been thinking...

Maybe when you're done here,

why don't you spend the
night on the couch tonight?

- Really?
- Yeah,

but only if you get
back going to meetings.

Cool, cool. Yeah.

I'll get back in touch with my group.

Oh, the group that let
you drink all last year?

No. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

You're coming to my meetings.

I don't know, Loudermilk.

I mean, you know, I went
to your meeting once.

Those guys are all a
bunch of fucking wackos.

You're wearing two different shoes,

and you have a fucking
turkey on your he...

You know, f... Eh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sam? Sam?

That sounds good. I'll do it.

- All right.
- Okay.

See ya. Okay. I'll see you tonight.

All right, everybody.

- Let's, uh, let's sit down.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Listen up.

I have some good news.

I took Walter in today
to the police station

to turn himself in for the murder.

Who the fuck is Walter?

How many murderers do we
have in here, dipshit?

How... how'd you get him to do it?

I just had a heart to heart with the kid

about the value of
doing the right thing.

And, you know, to his credit, he did it.

See, that's the kind of
shit why "Loudermilk Says"

just cracked 10,000 followers, baby!

Shut up. Really?

Hey, hey, hey.

Wait. What's this?

"Loudermilk says Papa John's
is the best pizza in town"?

I never said that.

Yeah, I think you said that last week.

Why would I say that in a meeting?

I don't know. Maybe you were hungry.

There's also one for a DUI law firm

and a doggy day care.

Okay. Look, man.

Now that we have this many followers,

I was able to get some companies
to pay for advertising.

Pay who? Pay... pay us?

Yeah. I'll give you 40%.

No, I want 50%, and I want
approval over the sponsors.

No more fucking Papa John's,
and if Red Lobster calls,

that's a hard no.

- Deal.
- Hang on there.

I think we should all get a cut,
like 10% each or something.

Yeah, all 12 of us should get 10%.

Yeah. That sounds fair.

Yeah, we're all part of the
creative process here.

No, no, no, no, no. This is our jam.

Is it? "The miserable have
no other medicine but hope

"and tequila." That was mine.

It was a play on a Shakespeare quote.

You've posted things from all of us.

Okay, so I sample from the group,

but none of it's copyrightable.

Well, then, maybe you should call it

"Cool Things I Heard in Group,"

so nobody here feels slighted.

If I changed the name, I'd
have to get a new account.

I'd lose all my followers.

If that's how you feel, please
don't quote me anymore.

That's fine. You're blacklisted anyways.

I got into a lot of shit
for that Tetris quote.

Why? That was a solid quote.

From Bill Murray.

You plagiarized Bill Murray?

It's called parallel thinking.

Sometimes two people
can have the same idea

almost simultaneously.

Yeah, except he said it ten years ago.

Not cool, Tony. Not cool.

Well, you know, I'm pretty
sure the thing you said

about the voicemail wasn't yours either.

Uh, there's a small chance
that maybe I heard that

or I read it and it lodged in
my... in my subconscious,

but I wouldn't... Okay, you know what?

Forget it. Forget it. New rule.
Put the phones away.

All right?

No more phones in the meetings.

That's it.

We're here to get sober, not famous.

- Oh, that's a good quote.
- Yeah, get that in there.

But that's the last one!

Come on!

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