All language subtitles for Joan Rivers - A Piece Of Work (2010)

[Woman vocalizing]

[Music continues]

- Would you welcome
Miss Joan Rivers.

You know, you're going to be
a big star.

- Now here is my daffy
little friend, Joan Rivers.

- Aah!

- Joan Rivers,

the groundbreaking
female comedian,

paves the way
for women everywhere.

- You know how I know
who's gay and who's not gay?

Can we talk here?

[Laughter]

- And the Emmy goes to...

- Joan Rivers.

[Audience cheers]

- Here's Joan Rivers!

- Yes, but I'm very, very late.

[Rock music]

[Music continues]

- I hope you've had
a few drinks,

'cause you're gonna need 'em.

Will you welcome, please,
Miss Joan Rivers!

[Cheers and applause]

- This is my career.

I mean,
how depressing is this?

40 years
in the fucking business,

and this is where you end up.

Just to show you...

My daughter and I are
very close, very, very close,

very close.

But I brought her up
all wrong.

I brought her up
to have morals.

She turned down
doing Playboy magazine cover.

How about that?

$400,000 naked to the waist.

Turned it fucking down
and calls me up for approval.

For approval!

"Mother,
I've turned down Playboy.

What do you think?"

And you know-
What do I think?

"Oh, I'm very proud of you,
Melissa.

"What do I think?

"What do I think,
you stupid fucking cunt?

"What do I think?

"I think you should ask
for $200,000 more

"and show your pussy.

That's what I think."

[Laughter and applause]

I'm a 75-year-old woman up here
playing to drunks in Queens.

What do I think?

I'm on the fucking red carpet
in the hot sun,

talking to these assholes.

"Where you from?

"Got your lucky charm?

Who the fuck are you?"

[Cheers and applause]

[Music continues]

- Not good.

I mean, this is not good.

We have no Vegas,
no giant club dates.

Kathy Griffin has taken
all of those away.

Uh, I have the play,

which is not going
to bring me any money.

Can't we get club dates?

Can't Billy get club dates?

This is not a full book.

- Like a little date
here and there?

- Yeah
- Sure.

- These were the good years.

- These were
the good years.

- See, this is the kind
of a book I like.

Now, that's a good page,
you know what I mean.

These are good pages.

10:00, 11:00, 12:30.

This and that.

That's happiness.

Last year was
a very difficult year.

I was playing-here we go-

[laughs]

The Bronx at 4:30
in the afternoon.

That was a real... good one.

I'll show you fear.

That's fear.

If my book ever looked
like this,

it would mean
that nobody wants me

and that everything I ever tried
to do in life didn't work

and nobody cared
and I've been totally forgotten.

- When you say,
"Joan, get out your calendar,"

she goes, "Hold on,
let me put my sunglasses on,

because the white
of the page hurts my eyes."

So that's a joke.

So we used to laugh about it.

She goes, "Hold on.
Let me get my sunglasses.

Okay, what day?"

- You look handsome.

- Yeah, right.

- Billy looks good.
He can't stand it.

I can't.
- Why not?

- My career is in the toilet.
Oh, no, that's Joan.

- That's me.

- My career is in the toilet.

Nothing is going right.

- That's right.
- Nothing.

- Why?

- I don't know.
It's like, you know...

- That's what I always tell him.

- Unless Joan gives me...

- Billy Sammeth
is a big part of my life,

huge part of my life.

He knows my history.

You know,
there are so few people

that you can say, "Do you
remember Bernie Brillstein?"

And we both laugh
and laugh and laugh.

- Joan is a chronic workaholic.

One job a day is not enough.

It's almost like
an addict, sadly,

but she's a work addict,
so it's not enough.

No matter how much you give her,

it doesn't fill up that need
to be working.

- Now, this is Jocelyn Pickett.

This is my assistant,

who is now going to show you
how busy I am.

Anybody call?

- No.
- No.

- It's not about whether
the talent is good.

It's about whether they're hot.

There are times
in people's career

that you just
can't get it going.

Careers do that.

You're hot, ; you're not.

You're in a slump, ; you're not.

Nothing is happening right now,
so she needs some heat.

[Phone ringing]

- Steve Levine's office.

- Jennifer Moen?

- Hi, Billy Sammeth.

- And Joan Rivers.

- Hi, Joan Rivers.
Hold on just a moment.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Let's hear about Harrah's,
which is May 18th.

This is the weekend
before Memorial Day.

- I just think it's wrong.

It's not vacation.
The kids are still in school.

I want a letter
from them saying,

"We acknowledge
this is the worst weekend,

one of the worst weekends
of the year."

- Okay.

- And I really don't need,
at this age,

when I am a comedy icon,

I don't need to walk
into a room

and have it half full,

and then have
the Harrah's people go,

"Cluck, cluck, cluck."

- Right now, they see her
as a plastic surgery freak

who's past due.

Her, you know, sell-by date,
was finished.

But God help
the next queen of comedy,

because this one's
not abdicating.

Never will.

There will be nail marks
on that red carpet

before she abdicates,
so good luck to the next queen.

- # Happy birthday to you #

- All right, all right.

Don't sing.

Age. ; it's the one mountain
that you can't overcome.

It's a youth society,
and nobody wants you.

You're too old.

You're too old.
You're too old.

If one more woman comedian
comes up and says to me,

"You opened the doors for me,"

and you want to say,
"Go fuck yourself."

I'm still opening the doors.

- That's great.

- You're very welcome.

- Thank you very much.

- You are
a Barnard College graduate?

- Yes.

- And your father is a doctor?
- Yes.

- And you live where,
in Scarsdale?

- In Larchmont.
- In Larchmont.

And your mother is a...

- A mother.
- Just a mother.

- But how do they look
upon this,

what you're doing,
what it is you do?

- Frightened.
- Are they?

- Well, now they're
very showbiz.

And my mother and I are thinking
of doing a sister act.

But, um, still, uh...

- The audience here
really liked you,

and, uh, good luck to you.

Good night.

- Thanks, Jack.
Good night.

- Good night.

- Joan, here's the script

for the TV pilot
you wanted to look at.

Okay.
Thank you.

Do you know where I am in this?

I see no Joan on page two.

I see no Joan on page three.

I see no Joan on page four.

[Laughs]

- I have worked with her
for about 15 years, I think,

somewhere in there,

so I definitely
have gone through

kind of the ups and downs,
you know,

with her,
with her career.

When I started,

it was definitely
kind of a lower point.

Her daytime talk show
was cancelled.

At the same time,
her play Sally Mar,

which ran on Broadway,
that shut down.

Everything was kind of closing,
you know, at that point.

So, of course, Joan being Joan,

then started to try
and reinvent herself.

- No.

I ain't seeing me.

- This year is no different.

Joan is looking
at new projects,

new ways to get out there.

And she's got two new books
coming out,

a new play that she's
really worked on very hard

for the past couple of years.

And Celebrity Apprentice-

she's booked to be
on the next series

of Celebrity Apprentice.

So she's hoping one of them hits
and puts her back on top.

- I can't find me anywhere.

[Soft guitar music]

[Music continues]

[car horns beeping]

What we are planning is...

The cutoff date for the Emm-

for the Tony nominations
is somewhere in April,

so we have to open somewhere
in April.

For the next few months,

I am really focusing
just on my play.

It means a great deal to me
because it tells my life story.

- So she calls me up one night,
and she goes,

"Billy, it's Joan.

"Listen, I wrote a script
a couple years ago.

It's in the drawer."

Now, I actually saw a reading
of it a year earlier,

and I enjoyed it.

So I said,
"I think you should do it."

Hi, Joanie.

- Hi, Billy Boy.
[Kissing noises]

- Hi, Billy.
- This is Billy.

- Hi, Seany.

I'm a little schvitzy.

- Schwitzy?
How you doing?

- Schvit.
- Schvit.

- Schvit.
- Schvit.

- Schvitzy.
- Schvitzy, schvitzy.

- The name of the show is

Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress
by a Life in Progress,

you know, episodes
from her life,

how she got
to where she is now.

We're going to take this
to the Edinburgh Festival,

and then we're going to do it

in London's
glittering West End.

The ultimate goal?

I think Joan wants to play it
in her hometown.

- "I have very few hairs
left on my head,

"and each one has a name,

like last week, we had to sit
shiva for Bernice,"

or, "We buried Bernice,"
or, "We cremated Bernice."

- Yeah, "cremated"
I think is good.

- I hope that the play
is a huge success.

I think the play
will remind them

I'm an actress.

I'm a writer.

And if we get great reviews,

it will open up
a million other things.

"One of my earliest memories,
I must have been,

"tops, six years old.

"My mother took me to see
Paul Robeson in Othello,

"and I remember smelling
the smells of the theater,

and I thought,
'This is where I belong."'

I was in every school play.

I was in everything
you could do at college.

There was never a discussion
in my own head

of where I was going,
and it was always acting.

Always going to be an actress.

- Were you-were you-you were
straight acting or comedy?

- No, no, comedy, never.

I just knew that I could work
as a comedian at night

and make money to make
the rounds as an actress.

And that's the only reason
I went into comedy.

Sometimes I sit at home,
and I think to myself,

"Joan, yes, you're a diva.
You're a diva.

"Penthouse, limo, furs.

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff."

But a diva can get lonely.

And I say this to my staff,
I say, "Staff..."

[laughs]

I don't know any of their names,
because they're like you people.

They come.
They go.

Sometimes I say to them,
"Staff, I'm lonely.

Who's going to fuck me tonight,
staff?"

[Laughter]

Oh!
That's their reaction.

[Laughter]

[Dog barking]

Yes, yes, yes.

This is delicious, huh?

This is Kevin,
who runs my house,

also without asking me anything.

Thank God.

That is Debbie,
his wife, over there,

who really is the brains
behind Kevin.

We thought you should know.

- It's true.

- It's bacon, you idiot.

This is my apartment,
and it's very grand.

This is how Marie Antoinette
would have lived

if she had had money.

[Music continues]

- You try to explain to people
before you go to her house,

"What you're about to see,
nobody lives like this.

"Maybe the queen of England,

but besides that,
nobody lives like this."

- I live very, very, very well.
That's to start with.

I enjoy my creature comforts.

And I know I have to work
for it.

I could stop and live carefully,
but that's ridiculous.

I don't want to live carefully.

So I would rather work
and live the way I live

and have a wonderful time.

- When I hear the numbers
from her accountant,

because, you know,
behind our client's back,

everyone's whispering.

So they called me,
and they said,

"Billy, you've got to pull
another rabbit out of the hat."

"How many rabbits would you like
out of the hat?

I don't have that many
more rabbits in my hat."

- When I first hit
on the Carson show years ago,

my manager then was a man
named Jack Rollins,

and he said, "You're going
to be an industry.

When people hit,
they become industries."

And that's really what-
I'm a small industry.

- This week's checks
for you to sign.

- Oh, good.
Okay.

I have an agent.
I have a manager.

I have a business manager,
a PR lady,

two assistants,
and a lawyer.

We forget the lawyers.

There are then
certain relatives

that I'm totally supporting,

certain friends.

Most people that work with me,
if they have children,

I send the children
to private schools.

It goes on and on
and on and on.

I'm dancing as fast as I can.

[Laughs]

Are you on speaker?

- Okay.
So where do we start?

- Yeah, I would love to,
because I'm very short on money.

Trust me, we need it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay, okay.

- Bump up the offer,
and you'll do your comedy.

- Yeah, bump up the offer
and they get one-

bump up the offer,
and they get Joan on stage.

Bump up the offer some more,

and they get Joan doing
a survival lecture and onstage.

- Mm-hmm.

- Bump up the offer some more,

and they also get
the red carpet lecture,

the survival lecture.

- And don't forget there's
the 125 grand worth of charm!

- Just...

[laughter]

[Upbeat guitar music]

[Music continues]

You know the dates
we're holding for QVC,

right, Billy, pretty much?

- Yeah.
- Let me ask you one last thing.

Do you think it's in bad taste
to say about Obama's wife,

who I think is so chic,
Michelle,

that she is-your remember we-
in the old days,

in the Kennedy era,
there was Jackie O?

Well, now, in the Obama era,
it's going to be Blackie O.

- Oh, no.
- [Laughs] Oh, no.

- Okay, just-I thought it was
a great joke, okay.

These are all my jokes.

These are jokes
over the last 30 years.

These are just-
every time I write a joke,

I try to remember
to get it on a card.

"Why should a woman cook?

"So her husband can say,

"'My wife makes
a delicious cake,'

to some hooker."

[Laughs]

And you wonder why I'm
still working at this age.

People think
it comes so easily.

They have no idea
that what you're doing

is a terrifically
difficult thing to do.

And I prepare
like a crazy lady.

I mean, here I am.

I mean, everything is just...

Everywhere you look,
there are jokes.

Everywhere-jokes to be filed,
jokes to be written,

jokes that I thought
of something.

I mean, my life is just...

jokes.

"Vagina farts.

My vagina farts are so loud,
my gynecologist wears earplugs."

[Laughs]

"Are gay men proud
of their excessive body hair,

like Madonna's daughter?"

Maybe.

"Amazing Race. ;

Mel Gibson chasing Jews
into the showers."

[Laughs]

As some of you can tell now,

I'm seven and a half months
pregnant.

And you want to know the truth?

You know how lousy
you feel at night?

When I'm undressed,

my husband looks at me
and mentally dresses me.

You know how cruel that can be?

When I started comedy,
I was very wild for the time,

but different times.

The last line
in my original act was,

"This business,
it's all about casting couches,

"so I want you to know,
my name is Joan Rivers,

and I put out."

And you would hear
the audience-

such a sweet little, silly line
from a girl who was,

what, 28 years old,
you know, dressed up,

trying to look nice.

The audience,
half of them laughed.

Jack Lemmon saw me
and walked out.

He said, "That's disgusting."

So for my time,
I was very shocking.

I remember I had a joke
about abortions

when you weren't supposed to

even say the word
on television.

I have a friend
who just got married.

The woman is 32 years old.

She had 14 appendectomies,

if you know
what I'm telling you.

You know, back and forth
to Puerto Rico.

She never stopped flying.

She walked down the aisle
in white.

Every usher went...

My manager took me out
and said to me,

"Joanala, you're going
into places you shouldn't go.

"It's not right.
It's not right.

A woman shouldn't talk
about that."

I remember thinking,
"You are so wrong.

This is exactly what
we should be talking about."

My daughter loves me
very, very much.

I was there when she gave birth.

Ugch! Oh!

In California, they bring
the parents in now

to see the birt-

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

In my day,
having a child was better.

They knocked you out
with the first pain.

They woke you up
when the hairdresser showed.

You knew nothing.

It was so much better.

"Miss Rivers, you had a girl."

"Good, good, good."

"Is she normal?"

"Yeah."
"Good, good."

[Laughter]

"Is she white?"
"Yeah."

"Good."

[Laughter]

"The marriage continues."

- I went to see her live
one time.

The shit that came
out of her mouth

was so shocking and so funny.

She was doing something
that no other woman was doing.

You know, I wouldn't be doing
this if it wasn't for Joan,

much in the way
that she acknowledges

that Phyllis Diller
paved the way for her

and before her was Moms Mabely,
and-get it.

There's a handful of women

in modern history
that have done this.

Just a handful.

- I was so angry...

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Okay.

While we're on the subject,

let me talk to you
about sex over 60.

After 60, the body drops.

The body drops.

- Yeah.

And it's not just the breasts.

Vaginas drop.
Vaginas drop.

Um, six years ago, I woke up
one morning, and I said,

"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?

And why is it gray?"

- Brilliant.

- I went to the dermatologist,
so please excuse the way I look.

- [Laughs]

- I got a shot filled
with everything, and I said,

"I need this for four months."

- When do you go?

- She just went crazy.

- "Just blast away."

[Laughs]

- Then she said,
"Here, go to rehearsal."

[Laughs]

Okay.

Thank you, Pat.

My mother told me,
"Looks don't count."

She told me this a lot.

Saturday nights,

in our kitchen,
while I was growing up.

My mother used to look at me
and say...

"Looks don't count!

Now get out of my sight,
you big lump!"

And my mother lied
because looks count...

It's very scary
when you see yourself totally

without any makeup.

It's really...

Ew, it gives me the willies.

[Laughs]

- Why?

- "Who is that person?"

So I get up in the morning,

and the first thing I do is,
I get into makeup.

Now, I was never
the natural beauty.

No man has ever,
ever told me I'm beautiful.

They've said to me,
"You look great.

You look this.
You're terrific."

But no man ever said,

"Oh, my God,
you're so beautiful."

[Rock music]

[Music continues]

- Good.

Bring 'em right in.

Yeah!

Good.
Yeah!

Yeah!
Looking good.

Good.

Aah, okay let's do tools.

And one-
Yeah, that's great!

Good. Yeah.

- Didn't you want the hand going
to the side?

People want to look at
pretty women.

Nobody wants an old woman,

so I started
with the plastic surgery,

little bits and tweaks.

Then I got very angry
because nobody would admit it.

I really became
a big advocate of it.

And so then I became
the poster girl for it,

and then I became
the joke of it.

- Tools out a little bit.

Yeah, that's it.

Good.

- So how'd you come up
with the title?

- Marilyn Monroe told that
to me at a party.

- Yeah?
Yeah?

You and I were having
a discussion

before we went on the air today.

I said, if you don't feel good
about yourself inside,

plastic surgery
will not help at all

and in fact
could make things worse,

because then you think,
"Well, people don't-

aren't really appreciating
the real me."

- Well, who is the real me?

Tell me...

- You are the real me.

Well, don't-look, we want to be
loved for our sense of humor,

for our soul, for our sweetness,
for our vulnerability,

for our intelligence, yes?

- I just want to be loved.

I met Edgar-
I had been on the Carson show,

and Edgar called,
and he said to Johnny,

"Who do you know
that's a good writer?"

And Carson said, "There was
a girl writer on last week.

You should look her up. "

I met him, and I married him
four days later.

Was I madly in love with him?
No.

Was it a good marriage?
Yes.

I thought marriage was going
to be hugging and kissing

like in the movies.

You walk hand in hand
over the hill into the sunset.

You know what's
on the other side of that hill?

Filthy dishes, that's what.

And socks.

- How was the last show
last night?

- Very good,
as a matter of fact.

- Good, good.

- Without Edgar,
I couldn't have done it.

We worked together.

We worked on projects together,
so it was a family business.

Any woman that has a child
that doesn't yell is a fool.

Don't you think?

Didn't you yell?

- No.
- Why not?

It's your one chance
to be noticed.

When I was having my kid,
you should've-

"Aah!

Aah!"

And that was just
during conception.

I just...

I was dying to be a mother.

I couldn't wait to be a mother,

and I really worked very hard
to be there for her.

Of course, I'm sure she felt
very deserted as a child,

but I was-I was there
as much as I could be

and I made sure
we were a family unit

and she knew it.

- And everyone's like,

"Oh, what was it like living
with a legend?"

I'm like,
"Yeah, it was hilarious

when I was getting grounded, "

which is why I always say
to people, it's like,

"You don't realize

"how in these
very extraordinary,

"abnormal circumstances

what a normal world
my parents created."

And that's a testament to them.

It's funny because she refers
to her career as "the career,"

and it dawned on me one day
that I had a sibling.

We all work on the career

as if it's a totally separate
entity in the room.

- Melissa, what was
your mom's reaction

when you told her you wanted
to go into show business?

- What was it we use to say?

Supportive yet not encouraging.

- Yeah, and still am.

- And still am,

which is a little late
in the game.

- Yeah, but it-

- To be supportive
and not encouraging.

- No, but it's such
a hard business.

What I try to do with Melissa,
I try to protect her.

This is the one business
in the world-

it is total rejection.

And I'm 75,
and I'm still rejected.

This business,
you are mud your whole life.

[Hair dryer blowing]

Joce, Joce, are you there?

- Yes.

- Have you heard from Billy?

- I haven't.
I have got no calls back.

- All right.
Did you send him an email?

I really-I want him there
to see the play

before we go to Edinburgh.

I mean, there's Edinburgh.
There's London, my God.

He's got to see the play.

- Okay.
I'll email him as well.

- So that's my manager, Billy,
who I adore,

disappears all the time.

Three years ago,
it was very, very bad,

and I almost-
I almost fired him then.

And then, God, it's,
you know, all this time.

I've known Billy-
it's got to be about 35 years.

I could open
the drawer here somewhere,

and you'll, uh-
you'll find pictures of Billy.

Here.

Look, young Billy, young Joan.

That's Edgar in the background.

And Billy is...

Billy is part of my life.

And I want to see him now
because we're doing the play

and I need another pair of eyes.

I need another brain.

I need his input desperately.

- Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome to what will be

Joan Rivers. ;
A Work in Progress

by a Life in Progress.

Okay, here we go.

- I am thrilled to be here.

I just don't want this
to be about me, me, me, me, me.

- Hello.

- No, not-not yet, honey.

No, again, you too, back.

Go back.

Beautiful.

Anyhow...

Line.

"Now, where was I?"

- Now, where was I?

[Laughter]

Bill Cosby, who was
a very good friend of mine,

was on The Tonight Show,

and the comic that was on
with Bill absolutely bombed,

and Bill, God bless him,
went over to the director,

and he said, "Listen.
Why don't you use Joan Rivers?

She can't be any worse than
the guy that was on tonight,"

and that's how they put me on.

They put me on the next night.

And it was one
of those nights, um...

Do you know, like,
when everything goes right?

Do you know?

When the stars are in alignment?

And the audience,
we just connected.

And Carson,
at the end of the act-

after nine years
of working bungalow colonies

and strip joints
and working in Greenwich Village

in clubs
where you'd pass the hat,

the hat wouldn't come back-

on the air, Carson said to me,
"You're going to be a star."

And I looked behind me.

"Well, who the hell
is he talking to?"

And it was absolutely-

it was magical
between the two of us.

Absolutely magical.

- Don't you think men
really like intelligence more

when comes right down to it?

- Ugh, please, are we
gonna go back to that?

Are you kidding?

- Oh, sure, I mean,
it's a brain,

you know, a caring person.

- No man has ever put his hand
up a woman's dress

looking for a library card.

I'm sorry.

Everyone watched
the Carson show,

and when Carson said to me
"You're gonna be a star,"

my life changed.

- And as they say
at Cape Canaveral,

she took off like a rocket.

- The Tonight Show
was a pinnacle for Joan,

and the more guest appearances
she got,

either guesting with Johnny
or guest-hosting for Johnny,

the bigger and stronger

the career was going
and building up and up and up.

And then eventually,
they made her

the permanent guest host
of The Tonight Show,

which was a big thing.

- After 20 years
on The Tonight Show,

FO X came and offered me
my own show,

and Edgar
would be the producer.

Of course we said yes.

The first person I called
was Johnny Carson.

He slammed the phone down.
I called him again.

He slammed it down again
and never spoke to me again.

Ever.

I think he was furious.
He felt betrayed.

I was now a competitor.

He literally
had me blacklisted,

and to this day,

I have not been
on NBC Late Night ever.

- As she drove off the NBC lot,
she lost her confidence.

"Oh, my God,
what have I done?"

It was such a bad period.

- The Fox show, even before
we went on the air,

was just a nightmare.

Edgar did not like

Rupert Murdoch
and Barry Diller,

and from the day we walked in,

there were fights
about everything,

about whether we should have

a Coke machine
or Pepsi machine,

M&M's or Hershey Kisses.

Finally, they called me in
on a Thursday night,

and they said,
"You've got to fire Edgar."

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't, uh...

I couldn't-
couldn't do it.

Couldn't-
couldn't do it.

- The woman who asked,
"Can we talk?"

Joan Rivers,
is apparently through

as permanent host
of her late-night talk show.

- From there, Edgar imploded,
absolutely imploded.

He didn't have Joan's strength.

He didn't have it.

I got a call
from Gavin de Becker,

who was his security company.

They said, "Terrible news."

"Yes?"

"Edgar killed himself
in Philadelphia."

- He left us high and dry.

Everything just went
to smithereens.

And he left me with no career
and a lot of debts,

because he wasn't
a good businessman,

and, uh, a lot of tough times.

I walk past Edgar's pictures.

I feel such sadness,
such darkness.

- First off, Mother,
I'm very, very angry at you.

Since Daddy died, you have not
spent one minute at home.

- Melissa and I,

we started immediately
going into therapy,

separately and together.

And then we did something
which sounds so sick.

We did a movie
about Edgar's suicide

where we played ourselves.

- Are you angry about something?

- I'm angry about a lot
of things, okay?

- Okay.

It sounds so stupid and corny,

but I think by
walking through it again,

it absolutely mended us,

totally mended
the relationship.

Don't ask, ; I'd have to go
to another doctor

to figure that one out.

[Laughs]

Thank you.

- Thank you very much.

- Thank you.
- Thanks again.

- Lovely that you came.
Thank you.

- I worship you.

I worship you.

- Get off your knees.

- Joan.
Joan, oh, my God.

Joan Rivers, everybody.
Please give her a clap.

- Billy sent me this
for opening night.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Polly wants a fucking cracker.

Give Polly
a fucking cracker now!

Squawk!

- Old lady on the cover.

[Laughs]

Young people,
young festival,

young idea, old lady.

- Hold on.

Get ready.

"Hottest ticket."

Isn't it great?

And the front page.

- Oh.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

The play went beyond
my wildest dreams in Edinburgh.

We had great reviews,
the audiences adored it,

but who knows what's going
to happen in London.

It can turn on a dime.

[Police siren wails]

Now where are we?

- Oh, the signage is going up.
Look, your canopy is going up.

- Oh, isn't that sweet?
All right.

This is where we'll make
the decision for me

whether or not I'm gonna try
to bring it to New York.

Oh, If the reviews are bad,
we're dead.

We finished it.
It was wonderful.

But it will not go to New York.

- Joan, this is
Graham McCluskey,

your lighting designer.

- Thank God.

Soft pink.
I don't care what it says.

- Joan didn't want to open
the play in New York or L.A.,

because even if it's great,

they will not give her
the kudos that it's great

because of who she is,

that there's nothing she can do
that will be industry-embraced.

- How much does it hold?

- Uh, 393...

- So it's 400.

- Yes, of course.

- I have never been
the critics' darling.

I've always been
considered a comic

and a Borscht Belt comic
or a Vegas comic or-

there's always an adjective
before my name,

and it's never a nice adjective.

I go back to Fun City,

which was
my first play in 1973,

and they were-
they were very harsh to it.

It was a horrible experience,

and I will not go
through that again.

I mean, I moved us
out of New York.

I said, "When that play closes,
we're out of here, "

and we moved
right after Fun City.

I just think they're not going
to like us, and, uh...

but I didn't spend all this time
and all this energy

to have this close.

And it breaks my heart
to see it die here.

- It won't die here.

- That's-that's-
only that's killing me.

And I was thinking-

- All right, you're not going
to lose it.

We won't let this go.

And I know it's your w-
your work of love.

- I really think it's good.
I really think...

- I know.

Okay.
Onward and upward.

- Oh!

Hello, press!

Be kind.
Not too close.

Thank you.
Hello.

I'm very nervous.

I don't like opening nights.

I think you should celebrate
second nights

when you're a success.

I think anyone that celebrates
opening nights is a fool,

because you're not-that's-

the opening night is your walk
to the executioner.

So I will be very, very happy
tomorrow if all goes well,

and very smug,

and I will throw some diva scene
about something

when I know I have the power.

Right now, I don't know
if have the power.

[Laughs]

[People murmuring]

- You got enough glitter?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Oh, God, yes.

- Plenty.

- Plenty of glitter.

[Dramatic music]

[Music continues]

[upbeat orchestral music]

[Music continues]

Oh, shut that stupid bitch up.

Jesus!

[Applause]

At the end of the show,
Johnny Carson,

on the air,
turned to me and said,

"You're going to be a star."

Vaginas drop.

I did not know this.

I am 75 years old,

and I tell you,
I haven't peaked.

And that is why I'm going to go
out that door

and the door after that
and the door after that

and the door after that
and the door after that,

and I invite all of you.

Come with me!

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Whoa.

Okay.

- That was pretty
extraordinary.

All stood up right at the end.

In America, if this goes out
in America,

we love you, but you do stand up
all the time

at the end of shows whether-

you know, like you're
supposed to or something.

Here, they don't,
except for this show.

- What a triumph!

- Not a triumph
till we read the papers.

- I know a triumph
when I see one.

- Tonight was a triumph.

- I've never laughed so much.

- Thank you very much.

Sorry to bother you.

- You're not bothering me.

- I thought you were brilliant.

- Are you feeling all the love
that we have here for you?

- No.

We'll feel it tomorrow
after the reviews.

You were such a nice audience.
Thank you.

Now, let me ask you,

when will we
find out about the reviews?

- Tomorrow morning first thing.

I'm pretty sure they're
going to be fantastic.

- And what does it say?

- "Comedy, tragedy, surgery,
and Rivers isn't going quietly."

- Okay.

- "If the energy dips slightly
towards the end,

that is understandable
given the star's age."

- They only gave me three stars
out of five.

- Okay, Leicester Square.

"All this play-acting
is an excuse

"for a night of 'Me, me' Joan.

"She is not short on self-pity,

"and a passage
about her relationship

"with her daughter
is pretty low-grade schmaltz,

mind you."

- It's so wrong.

It ends in a joke, you ass.

- Exactly, that's why;

he's just not getting
the theater.

"Longer exposure to her
even in a small theater

"betrays a husky weakness
of voice

that some may find monotonous."

- And I'm thinking, Joce,

do I want to take this
into New York?

Do I want to sit in a taxi
in New York in six months

and hear this
and see this again?

I don't know.
- Yeah.

- I don't know, Jocelyn.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I am not going to walk in
to New York City

and be hurt the way
Fun City hurt me.

My acting is my one
sacred thing in my life,

and I will not have anyone
hurt me with that.

You can say
I'm not a good comedian.

It doesn't bother me.

You say you didn't like me
as an actress,

you've killed me.

And I don't want that
in New York.

But I know I'm an actress.

It's all about acting.

My career
is an actress's career,

and I play a comedian.

So it's over.
It's over.

No one will ever take me
seriously as an actress.

- Don't be downhearted.

Are you downhearted?

- I'm not down-I'm just...

It's not what I thought
was going to happen.

What I thought was going
to happen was,

we were going to sail in
from Edinburgh,

everyone was going to love it,

and then we were going to pick
our producer

and then move it forward
and then change it,

but not this, like-

and of course,
there's no Billy around.

Billy is never around
in trouble.

And this is in trouble,
you know.

Anyhow...

The play is over,
and it hurts very much,

but I got to take a deep breath
and start again.

[Jet engine roars]

[Pensive music]

[Music continues]

It wouldn't kill you
to get me another commercial.

Just remember, when they
come in and ask for a man,

I can be very butch.

- [Laughs]

So she'll do anything

and really get into it
like she loves it.

- Okay.

- Okay, well, if nobody
has anything else,

I'm very depressed.

- Bye.

- Bye, Steve.
- Okay, bye.

- I don't want to retire.

I don't want to go
and sit in the sun.

I don't want to go and learn
to garden.

I paint.
Who cares?

[Phone beeping]

- Hello, Emily Hope.

- Hi, guys.
Pleasure to meet you.

Explain to us
what you're offering.

- Yes.

- I will do anything.

I will knock my teeth out
and do DentAssure

or whatever it is.

- I mean, she's done...

- I will wear a diaper.
I don't give a shit.

I think I should...

- Joan has a fanaticism,
a maniacal focus to succeed,

and works at it every day.

I remember once meeting

with Richard Pryor,

and I sat with him

and spent an hour with him,

about his career,
and I said "Okay, Richard,

"what we're going to do is,

"we're gonna do this,
we're going to do that,

"and we're gonna plan on this,
and then in the next year,

we're going to do this,
and we're going to do that."

And he looked at me,
and he says,

"Larry, that's all great,

but what the fuck
do we do Monday?"

That's where Joan is:

"What the fuck do we
do Monday?"

- What is this?

- That's my thing.
I've been reading.

I am holding dossiers
of all the people

for the Celebrity Apprentice

that we pulled off
of the internet.

"Brande."
B-R-A-N-D-E.

"Turn-ons:
Taking in a good movie

"while spending time
with loved ones

and my beautiful puppy,
Mercedes."

- Aww.

"Turn-offs: Negative people
who are unkind

and have no respect
for others."

Well, she's going to hate me.

- Yeah, exactly.

- I'm doing
Celebrity Apprentice

because it's face time on NBC

and NBC has not let me be on NBC
since the Carson show.

- I didn't want her to do it.
She didn't want to do it.

I thought it was F-class people,

but it is face time,
prime-time network.

- And I think they'd be stupid
to put me off

the first four shows.

But I may be very free
the second half of October.

I think they're not going
to throw me off in the beginning

because I'm the only one
kind of that's a name.

Even though Donald says,
"These internationally known"-

- "Entrepreneurs."

- "Entrepreneur-celebrities."

- And you know, Billy,
I'm going to say that

in the press release,

that I was told that Paul Newman
was going to be...

[laughter]

I am actually very excited
about Celebrity Apprentice,

because Melissa, my daughter,

is going to be
on the show with me,

which means we'll have a lot
of time to spend together.

You haven't had
your hair done yet?

- No.

- Jesus fucking Christ, Melissa.

- Why?
It's fine.

- You've got 40 minutes.

- That's more than enough.

- All right,
let me move over here.

- That's more than enough, Mom.

- No, it's not.
- For my hair, yes, it is.

- All right.
Whatever.

Melissa red-eyed in
from L.A. This morning

and we start taping
Celebrity Apprentice tonight.

You got to stop smoking
immediately.

I went to a pulmonary guy today.

What?
Am I boring you?

- No, no, no.
I'm listening.

I brought all my gum with me.

I'm down to, like,
two or three a day.

That's it.

- I'm telling you...

- I know, but that's, you know-

be supportive
that I'm down to that.

- He said women
react differently

to cigarettes than men.

- All I'm saying is, I'm down
to, like, two, three a day.

- He said more women
are dying of lung cancer

than breast cancer.

And nobody's discussing it.

So that's very interesting.

- Well, I'm down to, like,
two, three, a day, so...

- Yeah, but I'm just
telling you...

- I'm just saying I know.
- You're really loading a gun.

- I know, but I'm just saying,
at least be supportive

that I've gotten down to that.

- He scared the bejesus
out of me.

The great pressure is,

what if she gets voted off
ahead of me?

It's going to be
very traumatic.

I would rather
I get voted off ahead of her.

I know that
I will always hold back.

I know that and so...

because I don't want ever
to come out

brighter than Melissa
and smarter than Melissa.

I just don't want-

I don't compete with her
on that level.

- I believe that consciously
she would believe that,

and then even if I did win,
she would say she held back,

but I don't think
she really could.

- Okay, see you later.

- In the business,
you have to put yourself first.

You got to protect yourself.

And my mother will tell you
that she only wants me to win,

but then she'll do something
without realizing it

that is very destructive.

And I think it's
a very tough dynamic,

because I truly think

it's completely subconscious
with her.

Will you open that?

- Okay.

- That's a nice
Dooney and Bourke bag.

- These are
very nice goodie bags.

- Yeah.

- I feel very out of place.

I'm the oldest by far.

They all were talking
and chatty,

and for a long time,
I stood by myself,

and I felt very isolated.

- Well, see, I think you also
bring a lot of that on yourself.

I think you don't make any-
like tonight,

you made no effort to be,
like, welcoming.

- I stood there-

- Well, no, but I'm saying,

but you were
on your BlackBerry so fast,

and I tried to introduce you
to people,

and you were already like,

"Uh, hi, bye,"
because you get so shy,

and that's what people
don't know about you.

Hell, I wouldn't walk
over to you.

- Well, they didn't.

- But you made-
but you set it up for that.

You don't realize
that you do that...

All stand-ups
are innately insecure.

Who would stand on a stage
by themselves and say, "Laugh"?

"Laugh at me.
Laugh with me.

I don't care.
Just laugh."

And I think that's just sort of
the nature of the beast.

Overall, I just-
sort of my perception

growing up in the world
of comedians:

They're all very damaged,
and they need that reassurance.

It's all a cover.

- It's been a bloodbath.

They don't play fair.

They cheat.

- So Melissa was fired,
um, on Tuesday,

and I know Joan was very upset.

- She is a snake.

- Annie Duke was on a team
with Melissa

and absolutely conspired
to get Melissa fired.

- Annie Douche,
that fucking moron.

Would you right now, Graham,

onto my blog
and onto my Twitter,

it should be,
"Annie Douche, that moron,

she should kiss my ass."

She should kiss my Jewish ass,

but not with those
non-kosher lips.

[Laughter]

Not with those big pig lips.

That's it:
"She should kiss my Jewish ass,

but not with those
big pig lips."

Do you think that's too rough?

So tell me, you didn't think it
was going to get vicious?

- No, I just thought
it was at least going to be

moderately fair.

And my concern is
how I will be portrayed

because I have more of
an image issue than you do.

So that's a little unsettling.

- It meant you're going
to look very angry,

and they already said,
when you left

you really called them
all kinds of names.

So that's there.

- But if they cut it to show
that I was telling the truth...

- Oh, they're not going
to cut it to show

you were telling the truth,
'cause they don't care.

They're going to show
that you left pissed off.

But you also came back,
and you also worked,

and you also-
that's all right.

I think it makes you
more interesting,

Melissa, frankly.

- You have done
really an amazing job,

but, Melissa, you're fired.

- Whore!
Pit viper.

I want my [bleep],
and I want it now.

Not getting without it.

- It makes me very upset
to see her that hurt.

It wasn't even hurt.

It was the frustration
of the lies.

It is such a cruel business.

Sometimes, I just want
to say to her,

"Why in God's name
are you opening yourself up

to such punishment?"

I mean, mine is not a choice.

Mine is, uh...

Mine is-I always say,
it's like, uh-

people say, "Why are you
in the business?"

Ask a nun why she's a nun.

That's my drive at 4:00
in the morning in the airport.

It's-I have no choice.

And that's where I was
from the time

I could figure it out.

No question where I was going.

There were no drugs.
There was no sex.

There was no any-
nothing until I got my job.

That's where I was going,
and just go away.

[Sirens wailing]

[Light guitar music]

[Music continues]

Mohammed, it's going to be
a long evening.

We're doing two shows tonight.

- Joan Rivers?
- Yes?

- Do you mind autographing this
for me?

- Oh, my goodness.
Yes, of course.

I love you.

- Every Wednesday night
when I'm in New York,

I work in some tiny little club
where I can practice my act.

I just talk about anything
and everything that annoys me.

Thank you.

- You don't get the recognition
you deserve.

- Damn right, William.

Okay, see?
I have a fan.

I have William.

The minute you're not angry
about things,

the minute you're not upset
about things,

what are you talking about?

"Oh, my grandson was so cute."

It's not my comedy.

I'm furious about everything,
furious about everything.

Good things don't always happen
to good people,

and I'm very angry about it.

But if I didn't have the anger,
I wouldn't be a comedian.

Anger fuels the comedy.

I hate everybody.

I hate old people.

I hate ugly children.

I hate fat people.

I hated China.

I hate whiners.

Oh, I hate dead people.

I even have the three wise men
who I hate.

I love anal sex 'cause you
can do other things, you know?

It's like...

You can iron.

You can read a book.

Get your emails
on your BlackBerry.

[Laughter]

[Upbeat guitar music]

[Music continues]

- Well, right now,
we're getting

the 17-foot table up the stairs.

These two guys just walked it up
seven flights and...

Bring it right here.

- Today is Thanksgiving. ;

favorite time of the year,
favorite time of the year.

Melissa and Cooper come,
of course,

and then I invite my friends,
and many of them are strays

or single women or my neighbors
from downstairs.

It's sad.

- Why is that?

- I don't know,
just sad that it seems

you have fewer friends
in New York,

and I know when
something wonderful happens,

there are maybe three people
I'll call,

when maybe 15 years ago,

there would have been six people
I'd call.

So many people are dying,
my God.

They'd better eat fast tonight.

[Laughs]

Oh, it's cold!

Every Thanksgiving,
I bring meals

from God's Love We Deliver

to people that absolutely
are too ill to go out.

This year I asked my grandson
Cooper to come with me.

If you what?

If we can stop
at an electronics store,

his PSP is broken.

But If you're very good,

I'll buy you a new one
for your birthday.

- Well, my friend had three
of them, and he gave me one.

- That's very nice.

Is this the one he gave you?

- Yes.

- He had three of them?

Has he got a single grandfather?

[Laughs]

I love your hands.

They're great hands, Cooper.

At God's Love We Deliver,
when I started out,

and I'm on the board,
we used to give AIDS patients

that were going,
we would give them food.

Well, now AIDS is chronic,

and I am still delivering
their fucking food.

I am so pissed.

I am so-
you know what it's like?

Thanksgiving morning,
ding-dong,

the guy opens the door,
"You again?"

[Laughter]

"This is the third fucking
Thanksgiving in a row, buddy."

"Miss Rivers,
just leave it over there.

I'm on my way to the gym."

"The gym?

"You're going to die today.

AIDS or me;
I'm not sure which."

- Oh, look.

- Oh, "God's Love We Deliver."

Aw, how nice is that?

You want to ring?

[Doorbell rings]

Hello, hello.
- Hi.

- I'm Joan Rivers.
This is my grandson, Cooper.

And how nice to see you.

- Joan Rivers?

The Joan Rivers?

- I pay her bills.

[Laughter]

- You have entertained me
for years, Miss Rivers.

- I'm so glad.

- I'm a photographer.

- Yeah, you can see
there's something going on here

that's wonderful.

- Right there, I photographed
the same drugstore

for 20 years,

every time they changed
the price of cigarettes.

- Oh, how brilliant is that?

- Thank you.

- Where was it shown?

- Life magazine.

I have taken
over 100,000 photos,

so you might even know my work.

Look up FloFox. Com.

- Thank you.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

- I can't wait
to get out of here

and go home and look you up.

- Flo Fox, baby.
My name is Flo Fox.

- I'm with Flo Fox right now.

What happened that caused
your eyesight to start to fail?

- I believe it's connected
with multiple sclerosis.

I walk with a cane.
I'm a little off-balance.

First my eyes went and...

- Oh, it's so sad.

There's this sexy,
young, artistic, edgy,

New York, tough,
bohemian girl.

- It's amazing isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Life is so mean.

[People talking at once]

[Glass clinking]

And I thank you all
for being here.

This morning, I delivered meals
with my grandson

for God's Love We Deliver,
and may I tell you,

we are so blessed.

We are so blessed,
and I thank God every minute

that I ever step
into a limousine.

I know it sounds silly.

Since 1968, they've been sending
limousines for me,

and I never get into one
that I don't say,

"Thank you, God.
I am so chosen."

And I thank you all
for being here,

and I thank God for
another wonderful Thanksgiving.

- Hear! Hear!

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Car horn honks]

- We are at the Kennedy Center,
in Washington, D. C.

I am here to do a tribute
to George Carlin.

I find this whole thing
very hypocritical.

This is everything
George claimed he wasn't.

George hated the establishment.

George hated the people that
are going to be here tonight,

which are going to be
a bunch of older,

very wealthy Republicans.

All the things
that George fought against

tonight will all be negated

because he's getting
the Mark Twain award.

It would be like me getting
a big award

from the German Bund.

[Laughs]

"And now for funniest Jewess
not in the ovens,

Joan Rosenberg Rivers!"

[Laughs]

But, um, there's
an importance for me

for this type of an event
for comedy,

because I'm always left out
of it.

So for me, this is nice
to be included,

because I'm usually
not included.

Once a Jew, always a Jew.

[Laughs]

I'm going in
to clean that bathroom.

- Have you seen that shower
in there?

It's kind of interesting.

- Ugh.

Oh, look.

- Now it is.

[Aerosol can hissing]

- The writers are ready
for you when you want them.

- I'm ready for the writers.

- Okay.

- Okay, where are the writers?

They're coming in here?

- Yeah.

- Now, is it just the two of us?

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Miss Rivers, the "fuck" thing,

I know the executive producers

are a little concerned
about that.

- Yes, and well they should be.

I probably will have one "fuck"
somewhere in there.

- That's fine.
- Just to get the audience...

- No, exactly.
One is fine.

And it will be bleeped for TV.
- Yes.

- I have no problems.
All right, guys, see you later.

Thanks, Joan.
See you in a bit.

- Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

They're all going to be
so much funnier than I am.

See, when you see the lineup,
and you know Jon Stewart

had 12 writers work on this,

and you know, uh, Garry had
six writers work on this.

And you know all these people-
look who's here.

They all have
professional staffs.

- Wow.

[People speaking indistinctly]

- You know, there's a lot
of his stuff that's-

[laughter]

- Joan, um, what is it like
being a comedic icon?

I'm sure there are comedians
that come up to you and say,

"You were an inspiration."

- I'm not ready to be an icon,

and I'm not ready
to be told thank you.

Fuck you.

[Laughter]

- Lewis Black.
Margaret Cho.

Ben E. King.
- Don't know him.

- Dennis Leary.
- Clever.

- Bill Maher.
- Brilliant.

- Joan Rivers.
- Okay.

- Garry Shandling.
- Brilliant.

- Jon Stewart.
- Smart.

- Ben Stiller.
- Eh... lucky.

- And Lily Tomlin.
- Brilliant.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
George Carlin.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Joan speaking indistinctly]

- The Smothers Brothers
and Laugh-ln.

And it was such a great time
to be in comedy.

[Applause]

- Few people are always funny,

but certainly one
of the chosen people

is our next presenter,

the fabulous Joan Rivers,
ladies and gentlemen.

[Cheers and applause]

- We use to play
these terrible clubs.

Literally,
you didn't get paid.

You passed the hat,

and some nights,
the hat would come back

with a severed head.

Some nights...

[laughter]

And they asked me to say
a couple of words about George,

and I kept thinking
that is so unfair.

You cannot sum George Carlin up
in two words.

Give me at least seven.

And...

[laughter and applause]

- You were so funny.

- I think today went very well.

I think I did not embarrass
myself at all.

I think I was fine.

I think I was funnier
than a lot of people,

not as funny
as a lot of people,

but, uh, yeah,
I was perfectly fine.

[Dramatic guitar music]

[Music continues]

- I am getting ready to go
to Wisconsin.

I've never done an act before
in Mukluks.

- [Laughs]
They have no idea.

- They'll stare at me
when I say,

"Where are the gays?"

They're going to tell us,
"Dead, we killed them."

[Laughter]

Why am I going to Wisconsin?

A thing called money.

They're so desperate to get me,
they're paying me.

That's why I'm going
to Wisconsin.

[Music continues]

I worked last night.

I worked in Toronto
until about 2:30 in the morning

on The Shopping Channel.

Then I got up at 5:00 to make
a 7:00 plane or something

to Chicago.

And then from Chicago,
I took a little,

what they call, "puddle jumper."

It was adorable.

How is the gay community here?

- That I really don't know.

- Oh, see.

Ask your cousin.

[Laughter]

Ask your wife's brother.

- Is this the most
remote place?

- No-oh, no.

- Well, where is
the most remote place

you've ever played?

- The most remote place
I've ever played

was Reykjavik, Iceland.

I've played them all.
Juneau.

Oh, are they wrong.

That was called the Texas Motel.

[Laughs]
They are so off.

[Laughs]

[Music continues]

Some places, as you know,
are better than others.

This would not be
my first choice of décor.

The audience is going to be
very born-again,

I have a feeling,
very fundamentalist.

They're going to get
very shaken up.

[Laughs]

Get the check.

Yeah, right.

Whatever I do on stage...

Are they gonna clean
the stage a little bit?

Because I kind of roll around
on it and stuff.

It's a little...

Ick.
There's gum.

Aren't you the makeup person?

You win the award,
that showed up with no makeup.

Don't you have your makeup?

Aren't you the makeup girl?

She's the makeup girl,
and she didn't bring makeup.

"May."

Good month.

- Of next year.

- May of next year.

You leave New York,
you leave L.A.,

you leave the world.

But that's what
makes it charming.

[Cheers and applause]

First of all, where are-
where are we?

What the hell is going-

I was out in the casino.

A guy put a quarter in,
fish came out.

Uh, well, never mind Viagra.
What about Cialis?

36 fucking hours
a man has an erection?

An 85-year-old man
for 36 hours?

That's devil's work.

And on these poor,
old, dried-out old wives?

And these guys on top of them,

in and out, in and out,
in and out.

They're going to set them
on fire.

It's-yes.

Ugh, I hate children.

[Groans]

The only child that I think
I would have liked ever

was Helen Keller
because she didn't talk.

It is just...

[laughter]

- Not very funny.

- Yes, it is.

And if you don't, then leave!

- It's not very funny
if you have a deaf son.

- I happen to have
a deaf mother.

Oh, you stupid ass.

Let me tell you
what comedy is about.

- You go ahead and tell me
what comedy's about.

- Oh, please.
You are so stupid.

Comedy is to make everybody
laugh at everything

and deal with things,
you idiot.

My mother is deaf,
you stupid son of a bitch.

Don't tell me.

[Cheers and applause]

And just in case
you can hear me in the hallway,

I lived for nine years
with a man with one leg.

Okay, you asshole?

And we're going to talk about
what it's like

to have a man with one leg
who lost it in World War II

and never went back to get it,

because that's
fucking littering.

[Laughter]

So don't you tell me
what's funny.

Comedy is to make us laugh.

9/11?

If we didn't laugh,
where the hell would we all be?

Think about that.

Where the hell would we all be?

How can you not find Osama?

There is one-
there is one outlet.

He's on dialysis.

There is one outlet
in all of Afghanistan.

Find the plug...

[laughter]

And follow the cord.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Well, okay.

How about that?

"I have a-
a deaf son!"

Oh, what a good way to build.

That was
a very difficult moment.

It throws you terribly,
because you know

the audience is so nervous
and so scared to laugh.

Your mind is going
a mile a minute.

"Where am I going to go?
What am I going to do?

Where am I going to take them?"

So there are two things
going on,

your mouth and your head.

Luckily, I was able
to get them back.

- Thank you.
You are so-

I've never laughed so hard
in my life!

- Oh, you were
a good laugher,

and that makes
such a difference.

- Oh, I know,
and that-that rotten guy.

- I'm sorry for him.

- I was ready to get up
and say-and tell him to leave.

- He has a deaf son.

- I know, but he's got
to realize that this is comedy.

- Comedy.
- Right.

- I felt terribly sorry
for the man with the deaf son,

and of course he's angry.

Of course he's angry.

I get that, but don't ruin
the whole act.

But maybe it got it out of him,

and maybe it's good
what happened to him too.

He had kind of a catharsis.

And you're driving us?
- Yep.

- Have you been drinking?
- No, ma'am.

- Have you been drugging?
- No.

- Have you been whoring?

- I may have been.

- Okay, well, that's good.

Then you'll be relaxed.

You ought to just head
for New York

and just get me home.

There's nothing like
your own bed.

Nothing like your own bed.

[Car horns honking]

They called my agent.

They wanted to get
William Shatner.

He said no.

They wanted to get
George Hamilton.

He said no.

So I said,
"A woman should do it.

And I'll do it."

Extend.

Extend, which is,
you take a pill,

and the man's penis
just grows, grows.

Not penile enlargement,

just, "Oh, look,
who's a big boy now!"

- Joan will turn
nothing down at all.

Nothing.

- And she hears
the clock ticking

every minute of every hour
of every day.

- I'm going to Palm Springs
for-what is this for?

Do you know what this is for?

- The Betty Ford Clinic.

- This is
for the Betty Ford Clinic,

so they'll be very serious
about drugs.

[Laughs]

All right, well, uh,

Are they lining you up
like Nazis?

All right.
That's all right.

Okay.

"Sorry, bitch.

"I'm not Carol Channing,
but this will have to do.

Much love, Joan Rivers."

- Thank you.

- I have Ss, sibilant Ss.

Ss, ss.

Even a little more.

If you take out the top
or the bottom,

that usually works pretty well.

- This is the early Joan,
and this is me.

"Oh, darling.
Can we talk?

Oh, does this tampon
make me look fat?"

- We're going to go
straight down this hallway.

- I'll follow you.
- Okay.

- I love that the nails
match the dress.

I think that's so fabulous.

- Thank you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Be careful.
Be careful; it's wet.

Victoria Beckham,

"Uch, uch, does the tampon
make me look fat?"

I can't stand her.

Okay.
Up we go.

And we're going
to Minneapolis, right?

- Yes. It's cold there.

[Dramatic music]

[Music continues]

- All right.
And thank you.

You were terrific.

- Pleasure meeting you.

- Thank you.

Hello.

I don't care
if it's God himself.

No one is to call my room
until 6:30.

- Okay.

- Save your money
when you're younger,

that you don't have to whore
yourself out when you're old.

To be roasted,
Comedy Central.

- Oh, God.

- I know, but the money
is extraordinary.

I am so depressed.

I can't even go there
with you now.

This-this is the cherry
on the cake.

Mohammed, could you stop
for a moment

so I can get out
in front of the car?

And could you just run me over?

End it now, Mohammed.

- It can't be...

- Oh, do you know the jokes?

Every joke is going to be
plastic surgery or old.

It comes back at you,
doesn't it?

- Yep.

- God.

- Miss Rivers
to the set, please.

[Bell rings]

- Slate here.
Stand by.

- And action.

- This tastes like urine!

- You crazy fucking bitch.

- The crew loves me.

They keep telling you
it's an honor.

I'm telling you that if
I had invested wisely,

I wouldn't be doing this.

- By the way, did you know
that I have never done

a roast in my life?

- It's so disgusting.

- They're not disgusting.

It is an honor.
I'm telling you.

No, don't make that face.

- But the money is very good.

- The money is good,
which is an honor.

I mean, I'm an artist,
and I'm doing it

for the art like you are.

- Yes, precisely.

- Couple of artists,
with easels,

sitting around,
collecting our money.

- Joan will cross to her seat,
all right,

in, let's say,
three, two, one, go.

- Talk about lucky!

Brad and Angelina
are having a sale!

Look at them!

Go on down now.
Auntie Joanie's busy.

Fuck. Sh-

- Okay, no, no, don't go yet.

- We're just-and this is-

At this point,
that's when you would go.

- Could somebody
help me here, please?

No, no, really.

Don't bother.

- You know, if everybody's
giving you a standing ovation,

that joke probably
won't read that well.

- I beg you.
It will read.

I will wait until
the standing ovation is over.

I will get up here-

- They will not sit down
till you sit down.

- Well, then, they're going
to stand until I sit.

I'm pleading with you,
don't knock every joke,

or it's not going to be funny.

I'm begging you.
I'm pleading with you.

I will thank them,

and then I will either
sit down and miss the chair.

I will do something funny,
because I am a funny person.

[Applause]

- Hello, hello, hello!

We are here
to celebrate the career

of a groundbreaking comedian
and a legendary bitch.

[Laughter]

- How much worse
could your real face look

than that clown mask you've had
welded onto your head?

- Look at her.
She's a cougar.

Freddie Cougar.

- Joan's face has been lifted
so many times

that when she sneezes,
she has to blow her clit.

[Laughs]

- I get mad at myself.

I think, at this age,

you've been doing it
since 1966,

and you shouldn't let them
upset you anymore,

but they do.

I did the Comedy Central roast,
okay?

[Audience cheers]

And, uh, yeah, which was great,
which was great.

I-I was-they-they-

they said such mean,
disgusting, filthy-

they called me a whore
and a cunt

and a this and a that.

I kept thinking,
"How do they know me?"

It is just...

[laughter]

Oh, oh, sure.
Turn against the queen.

It's like Marie Antoinette.

Yeah, like you're going to do
better with Kathy Griffin.

Fuck you.

It is just...

when she lasts 45 years,
then go stand on my grave.

[Cheers and applause]

Just kidding.

I love Kathy.

- Where's Billy these days?

- I have no idea.

He's no longer
really part of my career.

He can't be.

You spend too much energy
looking for Billy

and too many phone calls
coming in from people

that haven't heard from Billy,
and, uh, can't deal with it.

- You know it's bad when people
say something to me.

You know what I'm talking about?

I run into people,
and they're like,

"Oh, we were trying
to reach Billy,

and he never called us back."

I'm like, "I don't know
what to tell you."

- Yeah, but let us know.
Yeah, just say, "Call Jocelyn."

- Yeah.

- Billy, unfortunately,
is no longer part of my team.

I sent him an email saying

we're no longer
in business together.

He just can't be counted on,
and it's killing me.

I'll tell you why
it really upset me.

Billy is one of the last links

that I can say,
"Do you remember?"

And I had to cut that off,
and I think that's-

it's not the business.

That's where l-

I cannot tell you
I will never not miss Billy.

He was there
when Melissa was born.

He was there
for Edgar's funeral, you know?

He's a link.

I have no one to say,

"Do you remember when
Bernie Brillstein gave his party

and Edgar was the only one
that came in black tie?"

I know it sounds-

he was my last memory bank,

and I have no one-no one-
to say that to now.

And that is very difficult
for me.

[Pensive music]

[Music continues]

Tonight is the live finale
of Celebrity Apprentice,

and it is between me
and Annie Duke.

If I win, I'm back.

I'm back
in spite of being a woman,

in spite of being 75,

and in spite of being
blackballed from NBC.

I'm back, you bastards.

- And it's been a tremendous,
tremendous season.

Annie, do you know
what I'm going to say?

- No, I have no idea.

- I'm going to say, Annie...

you're fired.

[Cheers and applause]

- It's great.
This has been wonderful.

[All speaking indistinctly]

It's great.
It's terrific.

Ah.

Here we go.

But it's just
Celebrity Apprentice.

I mean, it's not
the Academy Awards,

but it was wonderful.

And I'm very happy I won.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Now, I've always said,

you can't get hit by lightning

if you're not standing
out in the rain.

Nobody can stand in the rain
longer than Joan Rivers.

She will stay there.

She's the last person standing.

She'll let it rain.
She'll let it rain.

She'll let it rain,
because she knows

lightning can hit, 'cause
it's hit her more than once.

But she knows you have to stay
out in the rain.

And she did.

- Line two.

- Line two.
Okay.

Hello, my sweetheart.

Yeah.

All right, so tell me.

Tell me yes or no;
just tell me fair.

Aah!

That's fabulous!

Are you-oh!

Jocelyn!

We were picked up!

- No way.
- Yeah, we got it.

- Awesome!
- All right, all right.

- You know what the real
pinnacle in a comedy career is?

It's not an Oscar.

It's not one thing.

It's the fact
that you're still doing it.

That's really what's
so rock star about her.

She's really the master
of sticking in there.

- Wait, wait.

Let's talk about what
this is gonna entail.

It's a photo shoot
for The New York Times?

- I could do it
Monday afternoon

if they want.

I'm still in town.

Right now, everything
is absolutely wonderful.

I am the golden girl.

But I have been here before,
and I know,

nothing is yours permanently,

and you'd better enjoy it
while it's happening.

- So... next week, Monday:

Regis and Kelly,
book signing, and QVC.

Tuesday. ; WOR, Rachael Ray,
Howard Stern, Cutting Room.

Wednesday. ; Florida,
breakfast lecture,

do an afternoon book signing,

back to Miami,
perform two shows.

Thursday. ; L.A.,

The Doctors, radio show,
red-eyeing home, QVC,

corporate booking,
then back to Cutting Room.

- Okay, I'm fine.

Is that locked?

Get him out of the picture.

[Laughter]

It's me alone.

It's an "artist alone" shot.

I'm grabbing you, Mohammed.

Thank you.

I am opening for Don Rickles,
and when they say opening,

what it is, is,

he and I split the money.

And years ago when we started,
I said "Well, I'll open,

'cause that means
I get out earlier,"

and he's still pissed
about it.

[Laughs]

The theater is wonderful here,

It's a Vegas-sized theater.

It's 1,800 or 2,000.

- No, it's 4,000.
Yeah.

It's a 4,000-person theater.

- I'm nervous.

[Laughter]

- But I go way back with Joan
when she was in Vegas

and she was
a struggling comedian.

And we got to know each other.

She's done an outstanding job
with her career.

I mean that.

She has outstanding timing,

and she takes her work
very seriously.

And if I didn't marry
my Barbara,

I would have married Joan,
and with that remark...

Aah, gaah.

God.

Oh, God.
I was kidding around!

Oh, God, why?

- Don Rickles is
in his late 80s,

and he is still hilarious.

He's like George Burns,

who was amazing
until he was in his late 90s,

and Phyllis Diller.

Until she was 92,
she just laid it down.

And I'd like to beat them all,

and I think I will.

That's what's so sick.
I think I will.

First wife is always
some poor, dumb bitch

who he married on the way up.

Second wife is always like,
"Hello,"

and he's an asshole
and marries her.

And the third wife, he's 96.

The balls are on the ground.

She's 11.
She's Chinese.

"I ruv you."

[Laughter]

Thank you.

It's been a pleasure.

[Cheers and applause]

[Rousing instrumental music]

[Music continues]

This is where I belong.

Only time I'm truly, truly
happy is when I am on a stage.

- Why can't you do
a good job once?

It's embarrassing.

I keep saying,
"She's wonderful,"

and you always fail me.

- I am a performer.

That is my life.

That is what I am.

That's it.

[Music continues]

[upbeat music]

[Music continues]

- I do hate children,
and that's the truth.

Oh, God, so Halloween, and they,

"Oh, lady,
we don't like apples."

"Then just eat
the razor blades."

It is so...

- Joan, love you,
love you, love you.

- I love you, love you back.

Who do I make this to?

- Lucy.

- I can spell-
- I have all your jewelry.

Love you.

I love everything
you've done for women.

Love all your humor,
all your grace.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're the best.
- Oh, Lucy.

- Love you.

- Lucy, I love you back.

Surprise!

So bored that they're
taking torture away

in the United States.

Oh, it was-

Oh, like-like-
oh, like torture is bad.

"Oh, waterboarding,
waterboarding."

Oh, big fucking deal.

Try getting a bikini wax
one time.

Get a Brazilian wax.

You'll give up secrets
you never knew you had.

[Screams]

[Screams]

They're doing a documentary
of my life.

- And you said earlier
that they're just waiting

for the moment, right?

- They are praying
that I'll die

during this-this film.

Wouldn't that be great?

Wouldn't that be amazing?

They got the last year
of Joan Rivers.

It would give them such a hook.

- People would watch.
- People would watch.

- That's sick.

- I know, but wouldn't it-
but still,

sick but very commercial.

- You'd watch.

- I'd watch.

Wouldn't you?