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[Woman vocalizing]
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00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:35,392
[Music continues]
3
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,469
- Would you welcome
Miss Joan Rivers.
4
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:49,241
You know, you're going to be
a big star.
5
00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:53,683
- Now here is my daffy
little friend, Joan Rivers.
6
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,812
- Aah!
7
00:00:55,922 --> 00:00:56,980
- Joan Rivers,
8
00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:58,990
the groundbreaking
female comedian,
9
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:00,855
paves the way
for women everywhere.
10
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,757
- You know how I know
who's gay and who's not gay?
11
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:03,886
Can we talk here?
12
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,989
[Laughter]
13
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,232
- And the Emmy goes to...
14
00:01:11,337 --> 00:01:12,304
- Joan Rivers.
15
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,339
[Audience cheers]
16
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:18,502
- Here's Joan Rivers!
17
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:25,877
- Yes, but I'm very, very late.
18
00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,886
[Rock music]
19
00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:36,986
[Music continues]
20
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,000
- I hope you've had
a few drinks,
21
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,199
'cause you're gonna need 'em.
22
00:01:48,308 --> 00:01:52,210
Will you welcome, please,
Miss Joan Rivers!
23
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:55,213
[Cheers and applause]
24
00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:56,782
- This is my career.
25
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:59,613
I mean,
how depressing is this?
26
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:02,552
40 years
in the fucking business,
27
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,885
and this is where you end up.
28
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:06,583
Just to show you...
29
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,830
My daughter and I are
very close, very, very close,
30
00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:17,163
very close.
31
00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:18,737
But I brought her up
all wrong.
32
00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:20,100
I brought her up
to have morals.
33
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,003
She turned down
doing Playboy magazine cover.
34
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,234
How about that?
35
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,106
$400,000 naked to the waist.
36
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:28,305
Turned it fucking down
and calls me up for approval.
37
00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:29,938
For approval!
38
00:02:30,049 --> 00:02:31,914
"Mother,
I've turned down Playboy.
39
00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:33,178
What do you think?"
40
00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:34,719
And you know-
What do I think?
41
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,914
"Oh, I'm very proud of you,
Melissa.
42
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,354
"What do I think?
43
00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,221
"What do I think,
you stupid fucking cunt?
44
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:41,987
"What do I think?
45
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,585
"I think you should ask
for $200,000 more
46
00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:44,685
"and show your pussy.
47
00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:45,855
That's what I think."
48
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,933
[Laughter and applause]
49
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:51,026
I'm a 75-year-old woman up here
playing to drunks in Queens.
50
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,695
What do I think?
51
00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:55,137
I'm on the fucking red carpet
in the hot sun,
52
00:02:55,241 --> 00:02:56,401
talking to these assholes.
53
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,137
"Where you from?
54
00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:01,509
"Got your lucky charm?
55
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:03,548
Who the fuck are you?"
56
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:06,778
[Cheers and applause]
57
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:13,121
[Music continues]
58
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,658
- Not good.
59
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:25,169
I mean, this is not good.
60
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:27,831
We have no Vegas,
no giant club dates.
61
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,205
Kathy Griffin has taken
all of those away.
62
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:31,971
Uh, I have the play,
63
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:33,545
which is not going
to bring me any money.
64
00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:35,113
Can't we get club dates?
65
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,614
Can't Billy get club dates?
66
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,149
This is not a full book.
67
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:39,775
- Like a little date
here and there?
68
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,012
- Yeah
- Sure.
69
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,348
- These were the good years.
70
00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:43,752
- These were
the good years.
71
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,847
- See, this is the kind
of a book I like.
72
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:49,019
Now, that's a good page,
you know what I mean.
73
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,390
These are good pages.
74
00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:52,464
10:00, 11:00, 12:30.
75
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,328
This and that.
76
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,959
That's happiness.
77
00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,699
Last year was
a very difficult year.
78
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,434
I was playing-here we go-
79
00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:03,566
[laughs]
80
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:07,407
The Bronx at 4:30
in the afternoon.
81
00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:11,574
That was a real... good one.
82
00:04:11,684 --> 00:04:13,345
I'll show you fear.
83
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,717
That's fear.
84
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,986
If my book ever looked
like this,
85
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,993
it would mean
that nobody wants me
86
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,258
and that everything I ever tried
to do in life didn't work
87
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:29,927
and nobody cared
and I've been totally forgotten.
88
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:32,800
- When you say,
"Joan, get out your calendar,"
89
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:34,896
she goes, "Hold on,
let me put my sunglasses on,
90
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:39,911
because the white
of the page hurts my eyes."
91
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,446
So that's a joke.
92
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:42,878
So we used to laugh about it.
93
00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:44,813
She goes, "Hold on.
Let me get my sunglasses.
94
00:04:44,917 --> 00:04:46,748
Okay, what day?"
95
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:48,150
- You look handsome.
96
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:49,346
- Yeah, right.
97
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:50,820
- Billy looks good.
He can't stand it.
98
00:04:50,923 --> 00:04:52,220
I can't.
- Why not?
99
00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:54,293
- My career is in the toilet.
Oh, no, that's Joan.
100
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,656
- That's me.
101
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:56,922
- My career is in the toilet.
102
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:58,429
Nothing is going right.
103
00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,691
- That's right.
- Nothing.
104
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:00,891
- Why?
105
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,797
- I don't know.
It's like, you know...
106
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,096
- That's what I always tell him.
107
00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:05,431
- Unless Joan gives me...
108
00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:08,769
- Billy Sammeth
is a big part of my life,
109
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,274
huge part of my life.
110
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,934
He knows my history.
111
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,603
You know,
there are so few people
112
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:16,443
that you can say, "Do you
remember Bernie Brillstein?"
113
00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:20,076
And we both laugh
and laugh and laugh.
114
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:23,747
- Joan is a chronic workaholic.
115
00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:25,881
One job a day is not enough.
116
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,790
It's almost like
an addict, sadly,
117
00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:31,295
but she's a work addict,
so it's not enough.
118
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,796
No matter how much you give her,
119
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:35,026
it doesn't fill up that need
to be working.
120
00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:36,999
- Now, this is Jocelyn Pickett.
121
00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:38,832
This is my assistant,
122
00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:41,304
who is now going to show you
how busy I am.
123
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:42,669
Anybody call?
124
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:44,470
- No.
- No.
125
00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:46,602
- It's not about whether
the talent is good.
126
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,146
It's about whether they're hot.
127
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:51,114
There are times
in people's career
128
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:54,675
that you just
can't get it going.
129
00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,186
Careers do that.
130
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:57,586
You're hot, ; you're not.
131
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,988
You're in a slump, ; you're not.
132
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:03,426
Nothing is happening right now,
so she needs some heat.
133
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:04,962
[Phone ringing]
134
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:06,088
- Steve Levine's office.
135
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,097
- Jennifer Moen?
136
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,224
- Hi, Billy Sammeth.
137
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:09,358
- And Joan Rivers.
138
00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:10,959
- Hi, Joan Rivers.
Hold on just a moment.
139
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:14,369
- Hello.
140
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,372
- Hello.
141
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:16,737
- Hi.
142
00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:19,505
- Let's hear about Harrah's,
which is May 18th.
143
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,910
This is the weekend
before Memorial Day.
144
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:23,413
- I just think it's wrong.
145
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:26,076
It's not vacation.
The kids are still in school.
146
00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:28,176
I want a letter
from them saying,
147
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,619
"We acknowledge
this is the worst weekend,
148
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,782
one of the worst weekends
of the year."
149
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:33,984
- Okay.
150
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:35,890
- And I really don't need,
at this age,
151
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,860
when I am a comedy icon,
152
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,431
I don't need to walk
into a room
153
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:41,124
and have it half full,
154
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,701
and then have
the Harrah's people go,
155
00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:45,134
"Cluck, cluck, cluck."
156
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,229
- Right now, they see her
as a plastic surgery freak
157
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,205
who's past due.
158
00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:53,904
Her, you know, sell-by date,
was finished.
159
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:56,914
But God help
the next queen of comedy,
160
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,347
because this one's
not abdicating.
161
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:00,009
Never will.
162
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:04,078
There will be nail marks
on that red carpet
163
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:09,025
before she abdicates,
so good luck to the next queen.
164
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,427
- # Happy birthday to you #
165
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:13,897
- All right, all right.
166
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,991
Don't sing.
167
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:21,734
Age. ; it's the one mountain
that you can't overcome.
168
00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:25,277
It's a youth society,
and nobody wants you.
169
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,436
You're too old.
170
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,605
You're too old.
You're too old.
171
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:32,047
If one more woman comedian
comes up and says to me,
172
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:35,587
"You opened the doors for me,"
173
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,315
and you want to say,
"Go fuck yourself."
174
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:40,256
I'm still opening the doors.
175
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:41,451
- That's great.
176
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:43,256
- You're very welcome.
177
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:44,920
- Thank you very much.
178
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,396
- You are
a Barnard College graduate?
179
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:47,466
- Yes.
180
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,034
- And your father is a doctor?
- Yes.
181
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,534
- And you live where,
in Scarsdale?
182
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,103
- In Larchmont.
- In Larchmont.
183
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,331
And your mother is a...
184
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,430
- A mother.
- Just a mother.
185
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:56,803
- But how do they look
upon this,
186
00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:58,604
what you're doing,
what it is you do?
187
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:00,076
- Frightened.
- Are they?
188
00:08:00,179 --> 00:08:02,272
- Well, now they're
very showbiz.
189
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:04,349
And my mother and I are thinking
of doing a sister act.
190
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:06,077
But, um, still, uh...
191
00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,153
- The audience here
really liked you,
192
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,949
and, uh, good luck to you.
193
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:10,954
Good night.
194
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:12,319
- Thanks, Jack.
Good night.
195
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,620
- Good night.
196
00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:16,194
- Joan, here's the script
197
00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:18,126
for the TV pilot
you wanted to look at.
198
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,357
Okay.
Thank you.
199
00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:20,796
Do you know where I am in this?
200
00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:26,637
I see no Joan on page two.
201
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,832
I see no Joan on page three.
202
00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:31,273
I see no Joan on page four.
203
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:32,708
[Laughs]
204
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:35,007
- I have worked with her
for about 15 years, I think,
205
00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,012
somewhere in there,
206
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:40,381
so I definitely
have gone through
207
00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:42,113
kind of the ups and downs,
you know,
208
00:08:42,221 --> 00:08:44,246
with her,
with her career.
209
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,483
When I started,
210
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,855
it was definitely
kind of a lower point.
211
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,656
Her daytime talk show
was cancelled.
212
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,822
At the same time,
her play Sally Mar,
213
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:56,493
which ran on Broadway,
that shut down.
214
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:59,264
Everything was kind of closing,
you know, at that point.
215
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,499
So, of course, Joan being Joan,
216
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:04,337
then started to try
and reinvent herself.
217
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,637
- No.
218
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,104
I ain't seeing me.
219
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,682
- This year is no different.
220
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,876
Joan is looking
at new projects,
221
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,680
new ways to get out there.
222
00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:16,687
And she's got two new books
coming out,
223
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,690
a new play that she's
really worked on very hard
224
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,316
for the past couple of years.
225
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:22,587
And Celebrity Apprentice-
226
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,686
she's booked to be
on the next series
227
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,424
of Celebrity Apprentice.
228
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:30,161
So she's hoping one of them hits
and puts her back on top.
229
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:34,501
- I can't find me anywhere.
230
00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:37,699
[Soft guitar music]
231
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:40,040
[Music continues]
232
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,113
[car horns beeping]
233
00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,181
What we are planning is...
234
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:45,580
The cutoff date for the Emm-
235
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:50,713
for the Tony nominations
is somewhere in April,
236
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:53,724
so we have to open somewhere
in April.
237
00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:54,986
For the next few months,
238
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:58,222
I am really focusing
just on my play.
239
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,825
It means a great deal to me
because it tells my life story.
240
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,630
- So she calls me up one night,
and she goes,
241
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:05,965
"Billy, it's Joan.
242
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:07,903
"Listen, I wrote a script
a couple years ago.
243
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:09,599
It's in the drawer."
244
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:12,234
Now, I actually saw a reading
of it a year earlier,
245
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,607
and I enjoyed it.
246
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,476
So I said,
"I think you should do it."
247
00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:16,548
Hi, Joanie.
248
00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:19,812
- Hi, Billy Boy.
[Kissing noises]
249
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,046
- Hi, Billy.
- This is Billy.
250
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,143
- Hi, Seany.
251
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,187
I'm a little schvitzy.
252
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,780
- Schwitzy?
How you doing?
253
00:10:25,891 --> 00:10:27,085
- Schvit.
- Schvit.
254
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,421
- Schvit.
- Schvit.
255
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:30,222
- Schvitzy.
- Schvitzy, schvitzy.
256
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,626
- The name of the show is
257
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:35,997
Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress
by a Life in Progress,
258
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:38,036
you know, episodes
from her life,
259
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,332
how she got
to where she is now.
260
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:42,839
We're going to take this
to the Edinburgh Festival,
261
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,136
and then we're going to do it
262
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:45,870
in London's
glittering West End.
263
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,639
The ultimate goal?
264
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:51,513
I think Joan wants to play it
in her hometown.
265
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:53,847
- "I have very few hairs
left on my head,
266
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,318
"and each one has a name,
267
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:58,322
like last week, we had to sit
shiva for Bernice,"
268
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:00,984
or, "We buried Bernice,"
or, "We cremated Bernice."
269
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,220
- Yeah, "cremated"
I think is good.
270
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:06,526
- I hope that the play
is a huge success.
271
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:08,566
I think the play
will remind them
272
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,600
I'm an actress.
273
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:10,862
I'm a writer.
274
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:14,406
And if we get great reviews,
275
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,375
it will open up
a million other things.
276
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,809
"One of my earliest memories,
I must have been,
277
00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,175
"tops, six years old.
278
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:24,875
"My mother took me to see
Paul Robeson in Othello,
279
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:27,851
"and I remember smelling
the smells of the theater,
280
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:31,445
and I thought,
'This is where I belong."'
281
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,826
I was in every school play.
282
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,657
I was in everything
you could do at college.
283
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:40,163
There was never a discussion
in my own head
284
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,326
of where I was going,
and it was always acting.
285
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,233
Always going to be an actress.
286
00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:47,771
- Were you-were you-you were
straight acting or comedy?
287
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,568
- No, no, comedy, never.
288
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:53,008
I just knew that I could work
as a comedian at night
289
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,171
and make money to make
the rounds as an actress.
290
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:58,739
And that's the only reason
I went into comedy.
291
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:01,376
Sometimes I sit at home,
and I think to myself,
292
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,682
"Joan, yes, you're a diva.
You're a diva.
293
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:07,316
"Penthouse, limo, furs.
294
00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:10,054
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff."
295
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:12,460
But a diva can get lonely.
296
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,897
And I say this to my staff,
I say, "Staff..."
297
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,901
[laughs]
298
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,403
I don't know any of their names,
because they're like you people.
299
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:23,441
They come.
They go.
300
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:30,277
Sometimes I say to them,
"Staff, I'm lonely.
301
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:32,213
Who's going to fuck me tonight,
staff?"
302
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:33,376
[Laughter]
303
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,953
Oh!
That's their reaction.
304
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,251
[Laughter]
305
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,291
[Dog barking]
306
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:41,757
Yes, yes, yes.
307
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:44,591
This is delicious, huh?
308
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,689
This is Kevin,
who runs my house,
309
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,791
also without asking me anything.
310
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,699
Thank God.
311
00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:53,396
That is Debbie,
his wife, over there,
312
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,770
who really is the brains
behind Kevin.
313
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:57,502
We thought you should know.
314
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,668
- It's true.
315
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,977
- It's bacon, you idiot.
316
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:05,607
This is my apartment,
and it's very grand.
317
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,811
This is how Marie Antoinette
would have lived
318
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,080
if she had had money.
319
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:18,824
[Music continues]
320
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:21,161
- You try to explain to people
before you go to her house,
321
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:24,327
"What you're about to see,
nobody lives like this.
322
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:26,370
"Maybe the queen of England,
323
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,270
but besides that,
nobody lives like this."
324
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:32,344
- I live very, very, very well.
That's to start with.
325
00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:34,173
I enjoy my creature comforts.
326
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,771
And I know I have to work
for it.
327
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:40,249
I could stop and live carefully,
but that's ridiculous.
328
00:13:40,352 --> 00:13:42,013
I don't want to live carefully.
329
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:45,386
So I would rather work
and live the way I live
330
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,254
and have a wonderful time.
331
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:50,487
- When I hear the numbers
from her accountant,
332
00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:53,497
because, you know,
behind our client's back,
333
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,191
everyone's whispering.
334
00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:56,734
So they called me,
and they said,
335
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,737
"Billy, you've got to pull
another rabbit out of the hat."
336
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,670
"How many rabbits would you like
out of the hat?
337
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,537
I don't have that many
more rabbits in my hat."
338
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:06,406
- When I first hit
on the Carson show years ago,
339
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,707
my manager then was a man
named Jack Rollins,
340
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:11,044
and he said, "You're going
to be an industry.
341
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,641
When people hit,
they become industries."
342
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:17,210
And that's really what-
I'm a small industry.
343
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:19,291
- This week's checks
for you to sign.
344
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:20,983
- Oh, good.
Okay.
345
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:24,529
I have an agent.
I have a manager.
346
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:27,394
I have a business manager,
a PR lady,
347
00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:29,296
two assistants,
and a lawyer.
348
00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:30,868
We forget the lawyers.
349
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:33,131
There are then
certain relatives
350
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,638
that I'm totally supporting,
351
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,469
certain friends.
352
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:39,237
Most people that work with me,
if they have children,
353
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,438
I send the children
to private schools.
354
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,948
It goes on and on
and on and on.
355
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,041
I'm dancing as fast as I can.
356
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,449
[Laughs]
357
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,490
Are you on speaker?
358
00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:54,923
- Okay.
So where do we start?
359
00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:09,603
- Yeah, I would love to,
because I'm very short on money.
360
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:11,505
Trust me, we need it.
361
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:12,634
- Okay.
- Okay.
362
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,973
- Okay, okay.
363
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,842
- Bump up the offer,
and you'll do your comedy.
364
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:17,540
- Yeah, bump up the offer
and they get one-
365
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,983
bump up the offer,
and they get Joan on stage.
366
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,519
Bump up the offer some more,
367
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:25,715
and they get Joan doing
a survival lecture and onstage.
368
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:26,916
- Mm-hmm.
369
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:28,425
- Bump up the offer some more,
370
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:30,154
and they also get
the red carpet lecture,
371
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,093
the survival lecture.
372
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:35,394
- And don't forget there's
the 125 grand worth of charm!
373
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:36,468
- Just...
374
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,160
[laughter]
375
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:41,397
[Upbeat guitar music]
376
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,668
[Music continues]
377
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,903
You know the dates
we're holding for QVC,
378
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:47,603
right, Billy, pretty much?
379
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:49,874
- Yeah.
- Let me ask you one last thing.
380
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:53,645
Do you think it's in bad taste
to say about Obama's wife,
381
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:56,812
who I think is so chic,
Michelle,
382
00:15:56,922 --> 00:16:00,414
that she is-your remember we-
in the old days,
383
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,858
in the Kennedy era,
there was Jackie O?
384
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,625
Well, now, in the Obama era,
it's going to be Blackie O.
385
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:09,132
- Oh, no.
- [Laughs] Oh, no.
386
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:12,931
- Okay, just-I thought it was
a great joke, okay.
387
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,006
These are all my jokes.
388
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:20,545
These are jokes
over the last 30 years.
389
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,672
These are just-
every time I write a joke,
390
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:27,013
I try to remember
to get it on a card.
391
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,178
"Why should a woman cook?
392
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:30,482
"So her husband can say,
393
00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,216
"'My wife makes
a delicious cake,'
394
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,450
to some hooker."
395
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,925
[Laughs]
396
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:40,055
And you wonder why I'm
still working at this age.
397
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,565
People think
it comes so easily.
398
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,636
They have no idea
that what you're doing
399
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,762
is a terrifically
difficult thing to do.
400
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:51,536
And I prepare
like a crazy lady.
401
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:52,769
I mean, here I am.
402
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,778
I mean, everything is just...
403
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,043
Everywhere you look,
there are jokes.
404
00:16:58,150 --> 00:17:02,553
Everywhere-jokes to be filed,
jokes to be written,
405
00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:05,680
jokes that I thought
of something.
406
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:09,955
I mean, my life is just...
407
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,154
jokes.
408
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,694
"Vagina farts.
409
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:22,137
My vagina farts are so loud,
my gynecologist wears earplugs."
410
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:26,007
[Laughs]
411
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:29,547
"Are gay men proud
of their excessive body hair,
412
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,343
like Madonna's daughter?"
413
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,281
Maybe.
414
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,443
"Amazing Race. ;
415
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,680
Mel Gibson chasing Jews
into the showers."
416
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,553
[Laughs]
417
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:41,091
As some of you can tell now,
418
00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:42,990
I'm seven and a half months
pregnant.
419
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,255
And you want to know the truth?
420
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:45,853
You know how lousy
you feel at night?
421
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:47,056
When I'm undressed,
422
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:48,929
my husband looks at me
and mentally dresses me.
423
00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:50,262
You know how cruel that can be?
424
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:54,237
When I started comedy,
I was very wild for the time,
425
00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:56,534
but different times.
426
00:17:56,642 --> 00:18:00,169
The last line
in my original act was,
427
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:03,442
"This business,
it's all about casting couches,
428
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:06,541
"so I want you to know,
my name is Joan Rivers,
429
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,279
and I put out."
430
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,287
And you would hear
the audience-
431
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:13,051
such a sweet little, silly line
from a girl who was,
432
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:16,252
what, 28 years old,
you know, dressed up,
433
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,056
trying to look nice.
434
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,131
The audience,
half of them laughed.
435
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:22,792
Jack Lemmon saw me
and walked out.
436
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:26,337
He said, "That's disgusting."
437
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:30,169
So for my time,
I was very shocking.
438
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,505
I remember I had a joke
about abortions
439
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:33,771
when you weren't supposed to
440
00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:37,042
even say the word
on television.
441
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,741
I have a friend
who just got married.
442
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,149
The woman is 32 years old.
443
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:43,016
She had 14 appendectomies,
444
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,352
if you know
what I'm telling you.
445
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,789
You know, back and forth
to Puerto Rico.
446
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,758
She never stopped flying.
447
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,262
She walked down the aisle
in white.
448
00:18:52,364 --> 00:18:54,355
Every usher went...
449
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:58,734
My manager took me out
and said to me,
450
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:03,501
"Joanala, you're going
into places you shouldn't go.
451
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,509
"It's not right.
It's not right.
452
00:19:05,611 --> 00:19:07,203
A woman shouldn't talk
about that."
453
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:12,648
I remember thinking,
"You are so wrong.
454
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:16,084
This is exactly what
we should be talking about."
455
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,918
My daughter loves me
very, very much.
456
00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:20,321
I was there when she gave birth.
457
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,086
Ugch! Oh!
458
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,889
In California, they bring
the parents in now
459
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,395
to see the birt-
460
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,294
Ugh, ugh, ugh.
461
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:30,095
In my day,
having a child was better.
462
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:31,692
They knocked you out
with the first pain.
463
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:33,634
They woke you up
when the hairdresser showed.
464
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:34,797
You knew nothing.
465
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,932
It was so much better.
466
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:38,339
"Miss Rivers, you had a girl."
467
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:41,105
"Good, good, good."
468
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:44,341
"Is she normal?"
469
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:45,541
"Yeah."
"Good, good."
470
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:49,178
[Laughter]
471
00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:50,312
"Is she white?"
"Yeah."
472
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,049
"Good."
473
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:54,489
[Laughter]
474
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:58,154
"The marriage continues."
475
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:01,061
- I went to see her live
one time.
476
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:03,657
The shit that came
out of her mouth
477
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:06,704
was so shocking and so funny.
478
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:09,933
She was doing something
that no other woman was doing.
479
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,569
You know, I wouldn't be doing
this if it wasn't for Joan,
480
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,408
much in the way
that she acknowledges
481
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:17,505
that Phyllis Diller
paved the way for her
482
00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:20,141
and before her was Moms Mabely,
and-get it.
483
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:21,947
There's a handful of women
484
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,817
in modern history
that have done this.
485
00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:25,685
Just a handful.
486
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,383
- I was so angry...
487
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,094
Thank you.
488
00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:33,255
Thank you.
Thank you.
489
00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:35,196
Okay.
490
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,858
While we're on the subject,
491
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,699
let me talk to you
about sex over 60.
492
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,035
After 60, the body drops.
493
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:44,370
The body drops.
494
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:45,500
- Yeah.
495
00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,101
And it's not just the breasts.
496
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,077
Vaginas drop.
Vaginas drop.
497
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,411
Um, six years ago, I woke up
one morning, and I said,
498
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:53,108
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?
499
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:55,277
And why is it gray?"
500
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,116
- Brilliant.
501
00:20:57,222 --> 00:21:00,385
- I went to the dermatologist,
so please excuse the way I look.
502
00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:02,050
- [Laughs]
503
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,221
- I got a shot filled
with everything, and I said,
504
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:08,458
"I need this for four months."
505
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:09,864
- When do you go?
506
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:11,128
- She just went crazy.
507
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:12,328
- "Just blast away."
508
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,768
[Laughs]
509
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:16,432
- Then she said,
"Here, go to rehearsal."
510
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:18,839
[Laughs]
511
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,206
Okay.
512
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,576
Thank you, Pat.
513
00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:24,444
My mother told me,
"Looks don't count."
514
00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:28,417
She told me this a lot.
515
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,579
Saturday nights,
516
00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:33,556
in our kitchen,
while I was growing up.
517
00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:37,755
My mother used to look at me
and say...
518
00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:48,731
"Looks don't count!
519
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,708
Now get out of my sight,
you big lump!"
520
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,803
And my mother lied
because looks count...
521
00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:58,178
It's very scary
when you see yourself totally
522
00:21:58,283 --> 00:21:59,716
without any makeup.
523
00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:01,251
It's really...
524
00:22:01,353 --> 00:22:02,718
Ew, it gives me the willies.
525
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:03,753
[Laughs]
526
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:04,822
- Why?
527
00:22:04,923 --> 00:22:07,289
- "Who is that person?"
528
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:09,792
So I get up in the morning,
529
00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,591
and the first thing I do is,
I get into makeup.
530
00:22:12,698 --> 00:22:15,963
Now, I was never
the natural beauty.
531
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:20,004
No man has ever,
ever told me I'm beautiful.
532
00:22:20,105 --> 00:22:21,436
They've said to me,
"You look great.
533
00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:22,768
You look this.
You're terrific."
534
00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:24,034
But no man ever said,
535
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:26,667
"Oh, my God,
you're so beautiful."
536
00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:29,679
[Rock music]
537
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,146
[Music continues]
538
00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:32,147
- Good.
539
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:33,239
Bring 'em right in.
540
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:34,649
Yeah!
541
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:37,446
Good.
Yeah!
542
00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:39,217
Yeah!
Looking good.
543
00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:40,256
Good.
544
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,418
Aah, okay let's do tools.
545
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:43,824
And one-
Yeah, that's great!
546
00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:45,055
Good. Yeah.
547
00:22:45,163 --> 00:22:47,757
- Didn't you want the hand going
to the side?
548
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:49,731
People want to look at
pretty women.
549
00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:51,666
Nobody wants an old woman,
550
00:22:51,770 --> 00:22:55,069
so I started
with the plastic surgery,
551
00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:57,266
little bits and tweaks.
552
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,209
Then I got very angry
because nobody would admit it.
553
00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:02,678
I really became
a big advocate of it.
554
00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:05,511
And so then I became
the poster girl for it,
555
00:23:05,617 --> 00:23:07,585
and then I became
the joke of it.
556
00:23:07,686 --> 00:23:09,449
- Tools out a little bit.
557
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,112
Yeah, that's it.
558
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,987
Good.
559
00:23:14,092 --> 00:23:16,560
- So how'd you come up
with the title?
560
00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:18,253
- Marilyn Monroe told that
to me at a party.
561
00:23:18,363 --> 00:23:19,523
- Yeah?
Yeah?
562
00:23:19,631 --> 00:23:21,189
You and I were having
a discussion
563
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:23,733
before we went on the air today.
564
00:23:23,835 --> 00:23:25,769
I said, if you don't feel good
about yourself inside,
565
00:23:25,871 --> 00:23:27,862
plastic surgery
will not help at all
566
00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:29,304
and in fact
could make things worse,
567
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,171
because then you think,
"Well, people don't-
568
00:23:31,276 --> 00:23:33,073
aren't really appreciating
the real me."
569
00:23:33,178 --> 00:23:35,043
- Well, who is the real me?
570
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:36,409
Tell me...
571
00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:37,914
- You are the real me.
572
00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:40,484
Well, don't-look, we want to be
loved for our sense of humor,
573
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:43,213
for our soul, for our sweetness,
for our vulnerability,
574
00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:44,754
for our intelligence, yes?
575
00:23:44,856 --> 00:23:46,323
- I just want to be loved.
576
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:50,452
I met Edgar-
I had been on the Carson show,
577
00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:53,190
and Edgar called,
and he said to Johnny,
578
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,788
"Who do you know
that's a good writer?"
579
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,994
And Carson said, "There was
a girl writer on last week.
580
00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,900
You should look her up. "
581
00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:02,769
I met him, and I married him
four days later.
582
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,865
Was I madly in love with him?
No.
583
00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:06,534
Was it a good marriage?
Yes.
584
00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:08,909
I thought marriage was going
to be hugging and kissing
585
00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:10,641
like in the movies.
586
00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:13,513
You walk hand in hand
over the hill into the sunset.
587
00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:15,586
You know what's
on the other side of that hill?
588
00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:17,655
Filthy dishes, that's what.
589
00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:19,223
And socks.
590
00:24:19,324 --> 00:24:20,552
- How was the last show
last night?
591
00:24:20,659 --> 00:24:22,024
- Very good,
as a matter of fact.
592
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,389
- Good, good.
593
00:24:23,495 --> 00:24:25,395
- Without Edgar,
I couldn't have done it.
594
00:24:25,497 --> 00:24:27,055
We worked together.
595
00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:31,864
We worked on projects together,
so it was a family business.
596
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,995
Any woman that has a child
that doesn't yell is a fool.
597
00:24:34,105 --> 00:24:35,333
Don't you think?
598
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,634
Didn't you yell?
599
00:24:36,741 --> 00:24:37,833
- No.
- Why not?
600
00:24:37,943 --> 00:24:39,808
It's your one chance
to be noticed.
601
00:24:39,911 --> 00:24:41,640
When I was having my kid,
you should've-
602
00:24:41,746 --> 00:24:43,338
"Aah!
603
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:48,312
Aah!"
604
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,978
And that was just
during conception.
605
00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:52,716
I just...
606
00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:54,257
I was dying to be a mother.
607
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,691
I couldn't wait to be a mother,
608
00:24:56,795 --> 00:25:00,026
and I really worked very hard
to be there for her.
609
00:25:00,131 --> 00:25:03,066
Of course, I'm sure she felt
very deserted as a child,
610
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:06,262
but I was-I was there
as much as I could be
611
00:25:06,371 --> 00:25:08,202
and I made sure
we were a family unit
612
00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:09,637
and she knew it.
613
00:25:09,741 --> 00:25:10,969
- And everyone's like,
614
00:25:11,076 --> 00:25:12,634
"Oh, what was it like living
with a legend?"
615
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:13,972
I'm like,
"Yeah, it was hilarious
616
00:25:14,079 --> 00:25:15,307
when I was getting grounded, "
617
00:25:15,413 --> 00:25:17,210
which is why I always say
to people, it's like,
618
00:25:17,315 --> 00:25:18,441
"You don't realize
619
00:25:18,550 --> 00:25:22,077
"how in these
very extraordinary,
620
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:24,951
"abnormal circumstances
621
00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:30,392
what a normal world
my parents created."
622
00:25:30,495 --> 00:25:32,656
And that's a testament to them.
623
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,559
It's funny because she refers
to her career as "the career,"
624
00:25:37,669 --> 00:25:40,866
and it dawned on me one day
that I had a sibling.
625
00:25:40,972 --> 00:25:44,066
We all work on the career
626
00:25:44,175 --> 00:25:47,008
as if it's a totally separate
entity in the room.
627
00:25:49,748 --> 00:25:53,047
- Melissa, what was
your mom's reaction
628
00:25:53,151 --> 00:25:55,551
when you told her you wanted
to go into show business?
629
00:25:55,654 --> 00:25:57,713
- What was it we use to say?
630
00:25:57,822 --> 00:25:59,619
Supportive yet not encouraging.
631
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:01,988
- Yeah, and still am.
632
00:26:02,093 --> 00:26:03,287
- And still am,
633
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,623
which is a little late
in the game.
634
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:05,889
- Yeah, but it-
635
00:26:05,997 --> 00:26:07,521
- To be supportive
and not encouraging.
636
00:26:07,632 --> 00:26:09,395
- No, but it's such
a hard business.
637
00:26:09,501 --> 00:26:12,698
What I try to do with Melissa,
I try to protect her.
638
00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:15,272
This is the one business
in the world-
639
00:26:15,373 --> 00:26:17,671
it is total rejection.
640
00:26:17,776 --> 00:26:21,234
And I'm 75,
and I'm still rejected.
641
00:26:21,346 --> 00:26:25,373
This business,
you are mud your whole life.
642
00:26:25,483 --> 00:26:28,418
[Hair dryer blowing]
643
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,452
Joce, Joce, are you there?
644
00:26:30,121 --> 00:26:31,110
- Yes.
645
00:26:31,222 --> 00:26:32,211
- Have you heard from Billy?
646
00:26:32,324 --> 00:26:34,053
- I haven't.
I have got no calls back.
647
00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:36,354
- All right.
Did you send him an email?
648
00:26:36,461 --> 00:26:39,055
I really-I want him there
to see the play
649
00:26:39,164 --> 00:26:42,327
before we go to Edinburgh.
650
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:44,800
I mean, there's Edinburgh.
There's London, my God.
651
00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:46,165
He's got to see the play.
652
00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:47,795
- Okay.
I'll email him as well.
653
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:51,239
- So that's my manager, Billy,
who I adore,
654
00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:52,708
disappears all the time.
655
00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:54,711
Three years ago,
it was very, very bad,
656
00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:56,838
and I almost-
I almost fired him then.
657
00:26:56,948 --> 00:27:00,645
And then, God, it's,
you know, all this time.
658
00:27:00,752 --> 00:27:04,017
I've known Billy-
it's got to be about 35 years.
659
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:06,022
I could open
the drawer here somewhere,
660
00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:08,456
and you'll, uh-
you'll find pictures of Billy.
661
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,323
Here.
662
00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,896
Look, young Billy, young Joan.
663
00:27:12,998 --> 00:27:14,465
That's Edgar in the background.
664
00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:15,794
And Billy is...
665
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:18,232
Billy is part of my life.
666
00:27:18,336 --> 00:27:21,965
And I want to see him now
because we're doing the play
667
00:27:22,073 --> 00:27:23,938
and I need another pair of eyes.
668
00:27:24,042 --> 00:27:26,408
I need another brain.
669
00:27:26,511 --> 00:27:29,605
I need his input desperately.
670
00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:33,115
- Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome to what will be
671
00:27:33,218 --> 00:27:35,584
Joan Rivers. ;
A Work in Progress
672
00:27:35,687 --> 00:27:37,120
by a Life in Progress.
673
00:27:37,222 --> 00:27:38,416
Okay, here we go.
674
00:27:38,523 --> 00:27:41,117
- I am thrilled to be here.
675
00:27:41,226 --> 00:27:43,717
I just don't want this
to be about me, me, me, me, me.
676
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:45,090
- Hello.
677
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:46,390
- No, not-not yet, honey.
678
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:47,692
No, again, you too, back.
679
00:27:47,799 --> 00:27:49,027
Go back.
680
00:27:49,134 --> 00:27:50,362
Beautiful.
681
00:27:50,468 --> 00:27:52,368
Anyhow...
682
00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:53,437
Line.
683
00:27:53,538 --> 00:27:54,436
"Now, where was I?"
684
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:55,665
- Now, where was I?
685
00:27:55,774 --> 00:28:00,211
[Laughter]
686
00:28:00,311 --> 00:28:02,176
Bill Cosby, who was
a very good friend of mine,
687
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:03,679
was on The Tonight Show,
688
00:28:03,782 --> 00:28:06,751
and the comic that was on
with Bill absolutely bombed,
689
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:08,842
and Bill, God bless him,
went over to the director,
690
00:28:08,953 --> 00:28:11,888
and he said, "Listen.
Why don't you use Joan Rivers?
691
00:28:11,990 --> 00:28:14,117
She can't be any worse than
the guy that was on tonight,"
692
00:28:14,225 --> 00:28:15,419
and that's how they put me on.
693
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,824
They put me on the next night.
694
00:28:16,928 --> 00:28:19,021
And it was one
of those nights, um...
695
00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:21,098
Do you know, like,
when everything goes right?
696
00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:22,291
Do you know?
697
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:23,628
When the stars are in alignment?
698
00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:26,169
And the audience,
we just connected.
699
00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:28,831
And Carson,
at the end of the act-
700
00:28:28,940 --> 00:28:32,239
after nine years
of working bungalow colonies
701
00:28:32,343 --> 00:28:34,709
and strip joints
and working in Greenwich Village
702
00:28:34,813 --> 00:28:36,246
in clubs
where you'd pass the hat,
703
00:28:36,347 --> 00:28:37,814
the hat wouldn't come back-
704
00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:41,374
on the air, Carson said to me,
"You're going to be a star."
705
00:28:41,486 --> 00:28:43,420
And I looked behind me.
706
00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:44,920
"Well, who the hell
is he talking to?"
707
00:28:45,023 --> 00:28:46,786
And it was absolutely-
708
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:48,722
it was magical
between the two of us.
709
00:28:48,827 --> 00:28:50,419
Absolutely magical.
710
00:28:50,528 --> 00:28:52,519
- Don't you think men
really like intelligence more
711
00:28:52,630 --> 00:28:53,722
when comes right down to it?
712
00:28:53,832 --> 00:28:55,424
- Ugh, please, are we
gonna go back to that?
713
00:28:55,533 --> 00:28:56,761
Are you kidding?
714
00:28:56,868 --> 00:28:57,994
- Oh, sure, I mean,
it's a brain,
715
00:28:58,103 --> 00:28:59,365
you know, a caring person.
716
00:28:59,471 --> 00:29:01,132
- No man has ever put his hand
up a woman's dress
717
00:29:01,239 --> 00:29:02,297
looking for a library card.
718
00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:03,669
I'm sorry.
719
00:29:03,775 --> 00:29:06,869
Everyone watched
the Carson show,
720
00:29:06,978 --> 00:29:09,708
and when Carson said to me
"You're gonna be a star,"
721
00:29:09,814 --> 00:29:12,510
my life changed.
722
00:29:20,525 --> 00:29:22,186
- And as they say
at Cape Canaveral,
723
00:29:22,293 --> 00:29:23,954
she took off like a rocket.
724
00:29:24,062 --> 00:29:27,828
- The Tonight Show
was a pinnacle for Joan,
725
00:29:27,932 --> 00:29:31,163
and the more guest appearances
she got,
726
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:34,966
either guesting with Johnny
or guest-hosting for Johnny,
727
00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:36,563
the bigger and stronger
728
00:29:36,674 --> 00:29:39,370
the career was going
and building up and up and up.
729
00:29:39,477 --> 00:29:41,035
And then eventually,
they made her
730
00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:43,011
the permanent guest host
of The Tonight Show,
731
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,945
which was a big thing.
732
00:29:48,019 --> 00:29:51,455
- After 20 years
on The Tonight Show,
733
00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:54,389
FO X came and offered me
my own show,
734
00:29:54,492 --> 00:29:56,551
and Edgar
would be the producer.
735
00:29:56,661 --> 00:29:59,926
Of course we said yes.
736
00:30:00,031 --> 00:30:03,762
The first person I called
was Johnny Carson.
737
00:30:03,868 --> 00:30:05,665
He slammed the phone down.
I called him again.
738
00:30:05,770 --> 00:30:09,103
He slammed it down again
and never spoke to me again.
739
00:30:09,207 --> 00:30:12,005
Ever.
740
00:30:12,110 --> 00:30:14,943
I think he was furious.
He felt betrayed.
741
00:30:15,046 --> 00:30:16,877
I was now a competitor.
742
00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:19,506
He literally
had me blacklisted,
743
00:30:19,617 --> 00:30:20,709
and to this day,
744
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:25,483
I have not been
on NBC Late Night ever.
745
00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:29,788
- As she drove off the NBC lot,
she lost her confidence.
746
00:30:29,894 --> 00:30:32,829
"Oh, my God,
what have I done?"
747
00:30:32,931 --> 00:30:37,595
It was such a bad period.
748
00:30:37,702 --> 00:30:40,762
- The Fox show, even before
we went on the air,
749
00:30:40,872 --> 00:30:43,432
was just a nightmare.
750
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:46,408
Edgar did not like
751
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:48,706
Rupert Murdoch
and Barry Diller,
752
00:30:48,813 --> 00:30:52,249
and from the day we walked in,
753
00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:54,910
there were fights
about everything,
754
00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:56,111
about whether we should have
755
00:30:56,221 --> 00:30:57,620
a Coke machine
or Pepsi machine,
756
00:30:57,722 --> 00:31:00,156
M&M's or Hershey Kisses.
757
00:31:00,258 --> 00:31:03,227
Finally, they called me in
on a Thursday night,
758
00:31:03,328 --> 00:31:06,195
and they said,
"You've got to fire Edgar."
759
00:31:06,297 --> 00:31:07,355
I couldn't do it.
760
00:31:07,465 --> 00:31:09,262
I couldn't, uh...
761
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:10,994
I couldn't-
couldn't do it.
762
00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,400
Couldn't-
couldn't do it.
763
00:31:15,607 --> 00:31:17,404
- The woman who asked,
"Can we talk?"
764
00:31:17,508 --> 00:31:19,032
Joan Rivers,
is apparently through
765
00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:22,544
as permanent host
of her late-night talk show.
766
00:31:22,647 --> 00:31:28,313
- From there, Edgar imploded,
absolutely imploded.
767
00:31:28,419 --> 00:31:31,183
He didn't have Joan's strength.
768
00:31:31,289 --> 00:31:34,258
He didn't have it.
769
00:31:34,359 --> 00:31:36,156
I got a call
from Gavin de Becker,
770
00:31:36,261 --> 00:31:39,253
who was his security company.
771
00:31:39,364 --> 00:31:40,797
They said, "Terrible news."
772
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,059
"Yes?"
773
00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:46,500
"Edgar killed himself
in Philadelphia."
774
00:31:46,604 --> 00:31:51,974
- He left us high and dry.
775
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:55,341
Everything just went
to smithereens.
776
00:31:55,446 --> 00:32:01,282
And he left me with no career
and a lot of debts,
777
00:32:01,386 --> 00:32:03,581
because he wasn't
a good businessman,
778
00:32:03,688 --> 00:32:08,182
and, uh, a lot of tough times.
779
00:32:11,829 --> 00:32:15,390
I walk past Edgar's pictures.
780
00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:20,437
I feel such sadness,
such darkness.
781
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:29,708
- First off, Mother,
I'm very, very angry at you.
782
00:32:29,814 --> 00:32:34,080
Since Daddy died, you have not
spent one minute at home.
783
00:32:34,185 --> 00:32:35,277
- Melissa and I,
784
00:32:35,386 --> 00:32:37,946
we started immediately
going into therapy,
785
00:32:38,056 --> 00:32:40,752
separately and together.
786
00:32:40,858 --> 00:32:45,022
And then we did something
which sounds so sick.
787
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:48,496
We did a movie
about Edgar's suicide
788
00:32:48,599 --> 00:32:50,499
where we played ourselves.
789
00:32:50,601 --> 00:32:51,966
- Are you angry about something?
790
00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:53,731
- I'm angry about a lot
of things, okay?
791
00:32:53,838 --> 00:32:54,964
- Okay.
792
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:57,633
It sounds so stupid and corny,
793
00:32:57,742 --> 00:33:01,371
but I think by
walking through it again,
794
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:04,141
it absolutely mended us,
795
00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:07,775
totally mended
the relationship.
796
00:33:07,885 --> 00:33:09,546
Don't ask, ; I'd have to go
to another doctor
797
00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:10,586
to figure that one out.
798
00:33:10,688 --> 00:33:12,485
[Laughs]
799
00:33:15,226 --> 00:33:16,488
Thank you.
800
00:33:16,594 --> 00:33:18,084
- Thank you very much.
801
00:33:18,196 --> 00:33:19,254
- Thank you.
- Thanks again.
802
00:33:19,364 --> 00:33:21,389
- Lovely that you came.
Thank you.
803
00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:22,761
- I worship you.
804
00:33:22,867 --> 00:33:23,765
I worship you.
805
00:33:23,868 --> 00:33:25,335
- Get off your knees.
806
00:33:25,436 --> 00:33:27,404
- Joan.
Joan, oh, my God.
807
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:31,703
Joan Rivers, everybody.
Please give her a clap.
808
00:33:31,809 --> 00:33:34,505
- Billy sent me this
for opening night.
809
00:33:34,612 --> 00:33:35,704
Wait, wait, wait.
810
00:33:35,813 --> 00:33:36,939
- Polly wants a fucking cracker.
811
00:33:37,048 --> 00:33:38,709
Give Polly
a fucking cracker now!
812
00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:40,613
Squawk!
813
00:33:40,718 --> 00:33:41,742
- Old lady on the cover.
814
00:33:41,853 --> 00:33:42,911
[Laughs]
815
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,989
Young people,
young festival,
816
00:33:45,089 --> 00:33:46,488
young idea, old lady.
817
00:33:46,591 --> 00:33:49,185
- Hold on.
818
00:33:49,293 --> 00:33:50,419
Get ready.
819
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:51,552
"Hottest ticket."
820
00:33:51,662 --> 00:33:52,720
Isn't it great?
821
00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:53,762
And the front page.
822
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:54,797
- Oh.
823
00:33:54,899 --> 00:33:57,834
[Cheers and applause]
824
00:33:58,936 --> 00:34:00,767
[Cheers and applause]
825
00:34:01,773 --> 00:34:03,934
[Cheers and applause]
826
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:07,978
The play went beyond
my wildest dreams in Edinburgh.
827
00:34:08,079 --> 00:34:10,877
We had great reviews,
the audiences adored it,
828
00:34:10,982 --> 00:34:13,177
but who knows what's going
to happen in London.
829
00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:14,876
It can turn on a dime.
830
00:34:17,989 --> 00:34:19,581
[Police siren wails]
831
00:34:19,690 --> 00:34:21,180
Now where are we?
832
00:34:21,292 --> 00:34:23,556
- Oh, the signage is going up.
Look, your canopy is going up.
833
00:34:23,661 --> 00:34:26,255
- Oh, isn't that sweet?
All right.
834
00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:29,299
This is where we'll make
the decision for me
835
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,096
whether or not I'm gonna try
to bring it to New York.
836
00:34:32,203 --> 00:34:33,693
Oh, If the reviews are bad,
we're dead.
837
00:34:33,805 --> 00:34:35,102
We finished it.
It was wonderful.
838
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:37,606
But it will not go to New York.
839
00:34:37,708 --> 00:34:38,936
- Joan, this is
Graham McCluskey,
840
00:34:39,043 --> 00:34:40,010
your lighting designer.
841
00:34:40,111 --> 00:34:41,169
- Thank God.
842
00:34:41,279 --> 00:34:43,804
Soft pink.
I don't care what it says.
843
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,383
- Joan didn't want to open
the play in New York or L.A.,
844
00:34:46,484 --> 00:34:48,611
because even if it's great,
845
00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:52,018
they will not give her
the kudos that it's great
846
00:34:52,123 --> 00:34:53,715
because of who she is,
847
00:34:53,825 --> 00:35:00,355
that there's nothing she can do
that will be industry-embraced.
848
00:35:00,465 --> 00:35:01,659
- How much does it hold?
849
00:35:01,766 --> 00:35:03,393
- Uh, 393...
850
00:35:03,501 --> 00:35:04,525
- So it's 400.
851
00:35:04,635 --> 00:35:06,193
- Yes, of course.
852
00:35:06,304 --> 00:35:08,568
- I have never been
the critics' darling.
853
00:35:08,673 --> 00:35:11,107
I've always been
considered a comic
854
00:35:11,209 --> 00:35:15,578
and a Borscht Belt comic
or a Vegas comic or-
855
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,910
there's always an adjective
before my name,
856
00:35:18,015 --> 00:35:22,452
and it's never a nice adjective.
857
00:35:22,553 --> 00:35:24,783
I go back to Fun City,
858
00:35:24,889 --> 00:35:27,585
which was
my first play in 1973,
859
00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:31,025
and they were-
they were very harsh to it.
860
00:35:33,397 --> 00:35:35,024
It was a horrible experience,
861
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:37,693
and I will not go
through that again.
862
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:39,702
I mean, I moved us
out of New York.
863
00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:41,704
I said, "When that play closes,
we're out of here, "
864
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,138
and we moved
right after Fun City.
865
00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:52,007
I just think they're not going
to like us, and, uh...
866
00:35:52,116 --> 00:35:55,608
but I didn't spend all this time
and all this energy
867
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,153
to have this close.
868
00:35:57,255 --> 00:36:00,554
And it breaks my heart
to see it die here.
869
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:01,886
- It won't die here.
870
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:04,223
- That's-that's-
only that's killing me.
871
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:05,454
And I was thinking-
872
00:36:05,563 --> 00:36:07,030
- All right, you're not going
to lose it.
873
00:36:07,131 --> 00:36:08,564
We won't let this go.
874
00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:13,000
And I know it's your w-
your work of love.
875
00:36:13,104 --> 00:36:14,867
- I really think it's good.
I really think...
876
00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:16,564
- I know.
877
00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:20,337
Okay.
Onward and upward.
878
00:36:20,444 --> 00:36:21,570
- Oh!
879
00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:23,112
Hello, press!
880
00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:25,205
Be kind.
Not too close.
881
00:36:25,316 --> 00:36:27,784
Thank you.
Hello.
882
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,212
I'm very nervous.
883
00:36:30,321 --> 00:36:32,016
I don't like opening nights.
884
00:36:32,123 --> 00:36:34,353
I think you should celebrate
second nights
885
00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:36,483
when you're a success.
886
00:36:36,594 --> 00:36:39,154
I think anyone that celebrates
opening nights is a fool,
887
00:36:39,263 --> 00:36:41,663
because you're not-that's-
888
00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:44,929
the opening night is your walk
to the executioner.
889
00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:49,803
So I will be very, very happy
tomorrow if all goes well,
890
00:36:49,907 --> 00:36:51,397
and very smug,
891
00:36:51,509 --> 00:36:54,205
and I will throw some diva scene
about something
892
00:36:54,312 --> 00:36:56,872
when I know I have the power.
893
00:36:56,981 --> 00:36:58,846
Right now, I don't know
if have the power.
894
00:36:58,950 --> 00:37:00,247
[Laughs]
895
00:37:00,351 --> 00:37:02,581
[People murmuring]
896
00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:03,847
- You got enough glitter?
897
00:37:03,955 --> 00:37:04,853
- Yes.
898
00:37:04,956 --> 00:37:05,945
- Okay.
899
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:07,388
- Oh, God, yes.
900
00:37:07,491 --> 00:37:08,549
- Plenty.
901
00:37:08,659 --> 00:37:10,957
- Plenty of glitter.
902
00:37:13,998 --> 00:37:16,899
[Dramatic music]
903
00:37:17,001 --> 00:37:22,303
[Music continues]
904
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:25,398
[upbeat orchestral music]
905
00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:26,806
[Music continues]
906
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:29,778
Oh, shut that stupid bitch up.
907
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,041
Jesus!
908
00:37:32,149 --> 00:37:35,414
[Applause]
909
00:37:35,519 --> 00:37:37,419
At the end of the show,
Johnny Carson,
910
00:37:37,521 --> 00:37:39,352
on the air,
turned to me and said,
911
00:37:39,457 --> 00:37:40,685
"You're going to be a star."
912
00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:43,089
Vaginas drop.
913
00:37:43,194 --> 00:37:45,094
I did not know this.
914
00:37:45,196 --> 00:37:46,595
I am 75 years old,
915
00:37:46,697 --> 00:37:48,187
and I tell you,
I haven't peaked.
916
00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:51,063
And that is why I'm going to go
out that door
917
00:37:51,168 --> 00:37:54,069
and the door after that
and the door after that
918
00:37:54,171 --> 00:37:56,366
and the door after that
and the door after that,
919
00:37:56,474 --> 00:37:58,738
and I invite all of you.
920
00:37:58,843 --> 00:37:59,969
Come with me!
921
00:38:00,077 --> 00:38:01,169
Thank you.
922
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:07,275
[Cheers and applause]
923
00:38:10,254 --> 00:38:11,653
Whoa.
924
00:38:11,756 --> 00:38:13,621
Okay.
925
00:38:13,724 --> 00:38:15,351
- That was pretty
extraordinary.
926
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:17,450
All stood up right at the end.
927
00:38:17,561 --> 00:38:19,927
In America, if this goes out
in America,
928
00:38:20,031 --> 00:38:22,693
we love you, but you do stand up
all the time
929
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,199
at the end of shows whether-
930
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,270
you know, like you're
supposed to or something.
931
00:38:26,370 --> 00:38:28,736
Here, they don't,
except for this show.
932
00:38:28,839 --> 00:38:31,535
- What a triumph!
933
00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,507
- Not a triumph
till we read the papers.
934
00:38:33,611 --> 00:38:35,169
- I know a triumph
when I see one.
935
00:38:35,279 --> 00:38:36,803
- Tonight was a triumph.
936
00:38:36,914 --> 00:38:38,745
- I've never laughed so much.
937
00:38:38,849 --> 00:38:39,747
- Thank you very much.
938
00:38:39,850 --> 00:38:40,874
Sorry to bother you.
939
00:38:40,985 --> 00:38:42,145
- You're not bothering me.
940
00:38:42,253 --> 00:38:43,720
- I thought you were brilliant.
941
00:38:43,821 --> 00:38:45,812
- Are you feeling all the love
that we have here for you?
942
00:38:45,923 --> 00:38:47,288
- No.
943
00:38:47,391 --> 00:38:49,188
We'll feel it tomorrow
after the reviews.
944
00:38:49,293 --> 00:38:52,421
You were such a nice audience.
Thank you.
945
00:38:52,530 --> 00:38:53,690
Now, let me ask you,
946
00:38:53,798 --> 00:38:55,356
when will we
find out about the reviews?
947
00:38:55,466 --> 00:38:56,899
- Tomorrow morning first thing.
948
00:38:57,001 --> 00:38:59,697
I'm pretty sure they're
going to be fantastic.
949
00:39:01,972 --> 00:39:03,371
- And what does it say?
950
00:39:03,474 --> 00:39:06,910
- "Comedy, tragedy, surgery,
and Rivers isn't going quietly."
951
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:08,205
- Okay.
952
00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:10,610
- "If the energy dips slightly
towards the end,
953
00:39:10,715 --> 00:39:13,206
that is understandable
given the star's age."
954
00:39:13,317 --> 00:39:17,913
- They only gave me three stars
out of five.
955
00:39:18,022 --> 00:39:20,115
- Okay, Leicester Square.
956
00:39:20,224 --> 00:39:21,589
"All this play-acting
is an excuse
957
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,125
"for a night of 'Me, me' Joan.
958
00:39:23,227 --> 00:39:24,854
"She is not short on self-pity,
959
00:39:24,962 --> 00:39:26,520
"and a passage
about her relationship
960
00:39:26,630 --> 00:39:28,894
"with her daughter
is pretty low-grade schmaltz,
961
00:39:28,999 --> 00:39:30,193
mind you."
962
00:39:30,301 --> 00:39:31,199
- It's so wrong.
963
00:39:31,302 --> 00:39:32,530
It ends in a joke, you ass.
964
00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:33,864
- Exactly, that's why;
965
00:39:33,971 --> 00:39:35,370
he's just not getting
the theater.
966
00:39:35,473 --> 00:39:38,408
"Longer exposure to her
even in a small theater
967
00:39:38,509 --> 00:39:40,670
"betrays a husky weakness
of voice
968
00:39:40,778 --> 00:39:44,714
that some may find monotonous."
969
00:39:44,815 --> 00:39:45,782
- And I'm thinking, Joce,
970
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,373
do I want to take this
into New York?
971
00:39:47,485 --> 00:39:49,419
Do I want to sit in a taxi
in New York in six months
972
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:51,545
and hear this
and see this again?
973
00:39:51,655 --> 00:39:53,384
I don't know.
- Yeah.
974
00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:56,016
- I don't know, Jocelyn.
975
00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:57,958
I don't know.
976
00:39:58,996 --> 00:40:00,395
I don't know.
977
00:40:04,835 --> 00:40:08,236
I am not going to walk in
to New York City
978
00:40:08,339 --> 00:40:11,775
and be hurt the way
Fun City hurt me.
979
00:40:11,876 --> 00:40:17,075
My acting is my one
sacred thing in my life,
980
00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:21,515
and I will not have anyone
hurt me with that.
981
00:40:21,619 --> 00:40:23,553
You can say
I'm not a good comedian.
982
00:40:23,654 --> 00:40:24,916
It doesn't bother me.
983
00:40:25,022 --> 00:40:28,116
You say you didn't like me
as an actress,
984
00:40:28,225 --> 00:40:29,692
you've killed me.
985
00:40:29,794 --> 00:40:31,455
And I don't want that
in New York.
986
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,795
But I know I'm an actress.
987
00:40:34,899 --> 00:40:36,366
It's all about acting.
988
00:40:36,467 --> 00:40:39,732
My career
is an actress's career,
989
00:40:39,837 --> 00:40:43,500
and I play a comedian.
990
00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:47,907
So it's over.
It's over.
991
00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:52,005
No one will ever take me
seriously as an actress.
992
00:41:03,327 --> 00:41:04,294
- Don't be downhearted.
993
00:41:04,395 --> 00:41:05,760
Are you downhearted?
994
00:41:05,863 --> 00:41:07,797
- I'm not down-I'm just...
995
00:41:07,898 --> 00:41:10,025
It's not what I thought
was going to happen.
996
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:12,329
What I thought was going
to happen was,
997
00:41:12,436 --> 00:41:14,370
we were going to sail in
from Edinburgh,
998
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,269
everyone was going to love it,
999
00:41:16,373 --> 00:41:18,034
and then we were going to pick
our producer
1000
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:20,576
and then move it forward
and then change it,
1001
00:41:20,678 --> 00:41:22,612
but not this, like-
1002
00:41:22,713 --> 00:41:24,305
and of course,
there's no Billy around.
1003
00:41:24,415 --> 00:41:26,713
Billy is never around
in trouble.
1004
00:41:26,817 --> 00:41:29,342
And this is in trouble,
you know.
1005
00:41:29,453 --> 00:41:30,852
Anyhow...
1006
00:41:36,060 --> 00:41:38,824
The play is over,
and it hurts very much,
1007
00:41:38,929 --> 00:41:42,421
but I got to take a deep breath
and start again.
1008
00:41:47,071 --> 00:41:50,006
[Jet engine roars]
1009
00:41:50,107 --> 00:41:53,008
[Pensive music]
1010
00:41:53,110 --> 00:41:57,604
[Music continues]
1011
00:41:57,715 --> 00:41:59,808
It wouldn't kill you
to get me another commercial.
1012
00:41:59,917 --> 00:42:03,045
Just remember, when they
come in and ask for a man,
1013
00:42:03,153 --> 00:42:05,053
I can be very butch.
1014
00:42:05,155 --> 00:42:06,087
- [Laughs]
1015
00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:07,418
So she'll do anything
1016
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,358
and really get into it
like she loves it.
1017
00:42:10,461 --> 00:42:11,860
- Okay.
1018
00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,520
- Okay, well, if nobody
has anything else,
1019
00:42:13,631 --> 00:42:15,155
I'm very depressed.
1020
00:42:15,266 --> 00:42:16,927
- Bye.
1021
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:19,025
- Bye, Steve.
- Okay, bye.
1022
00:42:24,441 --> 00:42:25,738
- I don't want to retire.
1023
00:42:25,843 --> 00:42:27,811
I don't want to go
and sit in the sun.
1024
00:42:27,912 --> 00:42:29,675
I don't want to go and learn
to garden.
1025
00:42:29,780 --> 00:42:32,840
I paint.
Who cares?
1026
00:42:32,950 --> 00:42:35,077
[Phone beeping]
1027
00:42:35,185 --> 00:42:36,413
- Hello, Emily Hope.
1028
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:38,351
- Hi, guys.
Pleasure to meet you.
1029
00:42:38,455 --> 00:42:40,787
Explain to us
what you're offering.
1030
00:42:47,264 --> 00:42:49,425
- Yes.
1031
00:42:52,336 --> 00:42:53,803
- I will do anything.
1032
00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:57,533
I will knock my teeth out
and do DentAssure
1033
00:42:57,641 --> 00:42:58,539
or whatever it is.
1034
00:42:58,642 --> 00:43:00,041
- I mean, she's done...
1035
00:43:00,144 --> 00:43:01,805
- I will wear a diaper.
I don't give a shit.
1036
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,345
I think I should...
1037
00:43:03,447 --> 00:43:07,679
- Joan has a fanaticism,
a maniacal focus to succeed,
1038
00:43:07,785 --> 00:43:10,811
and works at it every day.
1039
00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:12,115
I remember once meeting
1040
00:43:12,222 --> 00:43:13,519
with Richard Pryor,
1041
00:43:13,624 --> 00:43:14,955
and I sat with him
1042
00:43:15,059 --> 00:43:17,050
and spent an hour with him,
1043
00:43:17,161 --> 00:43:19,288
about his career,
and I said "Okay, Richard,
1044
00:43:19,396 --> 00:43:20,658
"what we're going to do is,
1045
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:22,459
"we're gonna do this,
we're going to do that,
1046
00:43:22,566 --> 00:43:24,659
"and we're gonna plan on this,
and then in the next year,
1047
00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:26,702
we're going to do this,
and we're going to do that."
1048
00:43:26,804 --> 00:43:27,998
And he looked at me,
and he says,
1049
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:29,129
"Larry, that's all great,
1050
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:31,434
but what the fuck
do we do Monday?"
1051
00:43:31,542 --> 00:43:33,373
That's where Joan is:
1052
00:43:33,477 --> 00:43:36,708
"What the fuck do we
do Monday?"
1053
00:43:38,015 --> 00:43:39,312
- What is this?
1054
00:43:39,416 --> 00:43:41,384
- That's my thing.
I've been reading.
1055
00:43:41,485 --> 00:43:44,511
I am holding dossiers
of all the people
1056
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:47,216
for the Celebrity Apprentice
1057
00:43:47,324 --> 00:43:50,225
that we pulled off
of the internet.
1058
00:43:50,327 --> 00:43:53,990
"Brande."
B-R-A-N-D-E.
1059
00:43:54,098 --> 00:43:55,998
"Turn-ons:
Taking in a good movie
1060
00:43:56,100 --> 00:43:58,227
"while spending time
with loved ones
1061
00:43:58,335 --> 00:44:00,462
and my beautiful puppy,
Mercedes."
1062
00:44:00,571 --> 00:44:02,004
- Aww.
1063
00:44:02,106 --> 00:44:04,267
"Turn-offs: Negative people
who are unkind
1064
00:44:04,375 --> 00:44:06,138
and have no respect
for others."
1065
00:44:06,243 --> 00:44:07,471
Well, she's going to hate me.
1066
00:44:07,578 --> 00:44:09,102
- Yeah, exactly.
1067
00:44:09,213 --> 00:44:10,510
- I'm doing
Celebrity Apprentice
1068
00:44:10,614 --> 00:44:13,447
because it's face time on NBC
1069
00:44:13,550 --> 00:44:18,351
and NBC has not let me be on NBC
since the Carson show.
1070
00:44:18,455 --> 00:44:21,720
- I didn't want her to do it.
She didn't want to do it.
1071
00:44:21,825 --> 00:44:23,588
I thought it was F-class people,
1072
00:44:23,694 --> 00:44:29,428
but it is face time,
prime-time network.
1073
00:44:29,533 --> 00:44:32,730
- And I think they'd be stupid
to put me off
1074
00:44:32,836 --> 00:44:35,737
the first four shows.
1075
00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:40,208
But I may be very free
the second half of October.
1076
00:44:40,310 --> 00:44:42,972
I think they're not going
to throw me off in the beginning
1077
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:46,743
because I'm the only one
kind of that's a name.
1078
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:49,512
Even though Donald says,
"These internationally known"-
1079
00:44:49,620 --> 00:44:50,780
- "Entrepreneurs."
1080
00:44:50,888 --> 00:44:53,914
- "Entrepreneur-celebrities."
1081
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:55,582
- And you know, Billy,
I'm going to say that
1082
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:56,819
in the press release,
1083
00:44:56,927 --> 00:44:59,293
that I was told that Paul Newman
was going to be...
1084
00:44:59,396 --> 00:45:00,954
[laughter]
1085
00:45:01,065 --> 00:45:04,796
I am actually very excited
about Celebrity Apprentice,
1086
00:45:04,902 --> 00:45:06,233
because Melissa, my daughter,
1087
00:45:06,336 --> 00:45:08,201
is going to be
on the show with me,
1088
00:45:08,305 --> 00:45:11,570
which means we'll have a lot
of time to spend together.
1089
00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:14,542
You haven't had
your hair done yet?
1090
00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:15,634
- No.
1091
00:45:15,746 --> 00:45:17,941
- Jesus fucking Christ, Melissa.
1092
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:19,276
- Why?
It's fine.
1093
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:20,350
- You've got 40 minutes.
1094
00:45:20,451 --> 00:45:22,146
- That's more than enough.
1095
00:45:22,252 --> 00:45:23,549
- All right,
let me move over here.
1096
00:45:23,654 --> 00:45:24,814
- That's more than enough, Mom.
1097
00:45:24,922 --> 00:45:26,787
- No, it's not.
- For my hair, yes, it is.
1098
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,484
- All right.
Whatever.
1099
00:45:29,593 --> 00:45:32,084
Melissa red-eyed in
from L.A. This morning
1100
00:45:32,196 --> 00:45:35,654
and we start taping
Celebrity Apprentice tonight.
1101
00:45:37,267 --> 00:45:39,497
You got to stop smoking
immediately.
1102
00:45:39,603 --> 00:45:42,128
I went to a pulmonary guy today.
1103
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:43,536
What?
Am I boring you?
1104
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:44,732
- No, no, no.
I'm listening.
1105
00:45:44,842 --> 00:45:46,241
I brought all my gum with me.
1106
00:45:46,343 --> 00:45:47,742
I'm down to, like,
two or three a day.
1107
00:45:47,845 --> 00:45:48,869
That's it.
1108
00:45:48,979 --> 00:45:49,911
- I'm telling you...
1109
00:45:50,013 --> 00:45:51,173
- I know, but that's, you know-
1110
00:45:51,281 --> 00:45:52,680
be supportive
that I'm down to that.
1111
00:45:52,783 --> 00:45:55,581
- He said women
react differently
1112
00:45:55,686 --> 00:45:57,779
to cigarettes than men.
1113
00:45:57,888 --> 00:45:59,947
- All I'm saying is, I'm down
to, like, two, three a day.
1114
00:46:00,057 --> 00:46:01,752
- He said more women
are dying of lung cancer
1115
00:46:01,859 --> 00:46:03,224
than breast cancer.
1116
00:46:03,327 --> 00:46:04,954
And nobody's discussing it.
1117
00:46:05,062 --> 00:46:06,620
So that's very interesting.
1118
00:46:06,730 --> 00:46:08,595
- Well, I'm down to, like,
two, three, a day, so...
1119
00:46:08,699 --> 00:46:10,132
- Yeah, but I'm just
telling you...
1120
00:46:10,234 --> 00:46:12,259
- I'm just saying I know.
- You're really loading a gun.
1121
00:46:12,369 --> 00:46:14,303
- I know, but I'm just saying,
at least be supportive
1122
00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:15,496
that I've gotten down to that.
1123
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:18,939
- He scared the bejesus
out of me.
1124
00:46:21,078 --> 00:46:22,272
The great pressure is,
1125
00:46:22,379 --> 00:46:25,109
what if she gets voted off
ahead of me?
1126
00:46:25,215 --> 00:46:27,376
It's going to be
very traumatic.
1127
00:46:27,484 --> 00:46:30,749
I would rather
I get voted off ahead of her.
1128
00:46:30,854 --> 00:46:36,053
I know that
I will always hold back.
1129
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:39,789
I know that and so...
1130
00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:42,798
because I don't want ever
to come out
1131
00:46:42,900 --> 00:46:45,300
brighter than Melissa
and smarter than Melissa.
1132
00:46:45,402 --> 00:46:47,029
I just don't want-
1133
00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:49,628
I don't compete with her
on that level.
1134
00:46:49,740 --> 00:46:53,471
- I believe that consciously
she would believe that,
1135
00:46:53,577 --> 00:46:58,276
and then even if I did win,
she would say she held back,
1136
00:46:58,382 --> 00:47:00,942
but I don't think
she really could.
1137
00:47:01,051 --> 00:47:04,111
- Okay, see you later.
1138
00:47:04,221 --> 00:47:07,088
- In the business,
you have to put yourself first.
1139
00:47:07,191 --> 00:47:09,284
You got to protect yourself.
1140
00:47:09,393 --> 00:47:13,727
And my mother will tell you
that she only wants me to win,
1141
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:15,890
but then she'll do something
without realizing it
1142
00:47:15,999 --> 00:47:17,864
that is very destructive.
1143
00:47:17,968 --> 00:47:20,528
And I think it's
a very tough dynamic,
1144
00:47:20,637 --> 00:47:22,104
because I truly think
1145
00:47:22,206 --> 00:47:23,833
it's completely subconscious
with her.
1146
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:27,776
Will you open that?
1147
00:47:27,878 --> 00:47:29,106
- Okay.
1148
00:47:29,213 --> 00:47:30,646
- That's a nice
Dooney and Bourke bag.
1149
00:47:30,747 --> 00:47:32,237
- These are
very nice goodie bags.
1150
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:33,281
- Yeah.
1151
00:47:33,383 --> 00:47:35,044
- I feel very out of place.
1152
00:47:35,152 --> 00:47:37,677
I'm the oldest by far.
1153
00:47:37,788 --> 00:47:39,255
They all were talking
and chatty,
1154
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:41,449
and for a long time,
I stood by myself,
1155
00:47:41,558 --> 00:47:43,389
and I felt very isolated.
1156
00:47:43,493 --> 00:47:46,018
- Well, see, I think you also
bring a lot of that on yourself.
1157
00:47:46,129 --> 00:47:48,529
I think you don't make any-
like tonight,
1158
00:47:48,632 --> 00:47:51,260
you made no effort to be,
like, welcoming.
1159
00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:52,300
- I stood there-
1160
00:47:52,402 --> 00:47:53,426
- Well, no, but I'm saying,
1161
00:47:53,537 --> 00:47:55,004
but you were
on your BlackBerry so fast,
1162
00:47:55,105 --> 00:47:56,538
and I tried to introduce you
to people,
1163
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:57,607
and you were already like,
1164
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,073
"Uh, hi, bye,"
because you get so shy,
1165
00:47:59,176 --> 00:48:00,939
and that's what people
don't know about you.
1166
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:02,511
Hell, I wouldn't walk
over to you.
1167
00:48:02,613 --> 00:48:03,875
- Well, they didn't.
1168
00:48:03,981 --> 00:48:05,846
- But you made-
but you set it up for that.
1169
00:48:05,949 --> 00:48:07,382
You don't realize
that you do that...
1170
00:48:07,484 --> 00:48:11,648
All stand-ups
are innately insecure.
1171
00:48:11,755 --> 00:48:16,590
Who would stand on a stage
by themselves and say, "Laugh"?
1172
00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:18,183
"Laugh at me.
Laugh with me.
1173
00:48:18,295 --> 00:48:20,195
I don't care.
Just laugh."
1174
00:48:20,297 --> 00:48:22,891
And I think that's just sort of
the nature of the beast.
1175
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,696
Overall, I just-
sort of my perception
1176
00:48:25,802 --> 00:48:27,326
growing up in the world
of comedians:
1177
00:48:27,437 --> 00:48:30,702
They're all very damaged,
and they need that reassurance.
1178
00:48:30,807 --> 00:48:34,299
It's all a cover.
1179
00:48:35,946 --> 00:48:39,279
- It's been a bloodbath.
1180
00:48:39,383 --> 00:48:41,977
They don't play fair.
1181
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:43,518
They cheat.
1182
00:48:43,620 --> 00:48:46,680
- So Melissa was fired,
um, on Tuesday,
1183
00:48:46,790 --> 00:48:49,258
and I know Joan was very upset.
1184
00:48:49,359 --> 00:48:51,589
- She is a snake.
1185
00:48:51,695 --> 00:48:54,095
- Annie Duke was on a team
with Melissa
1186
00:48:54,197 --> 00:48:58,827
and absolutely conspired
to get Melissa fired.
1187
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:02,269
- Annie Douche,
that fucking moron.
1188
00:49:02,372 --> 00:49:03,999
Would you right now, Graham,
1189
00:49:04,107 --> 00:49:06,871
onto my blog
and onto my Twitter,
1190
00:49:06,977 --> 00:49:08,706
it should be,
"Annie Douche, that moron,
1191
00:49:08,812 --> 00:49:10,507
she should kiss my ass."
1192
00:49:10,614 --> 00:49:12,241
She should kiss my Jewish ass,
1193
00:49:12,349 --> 00:49:14,442
but not with those
non-kosher lips.
1194
00:49:14,551 --> 00:49:16,542
[Laughter]
1195
00:49:16,653 --> 00:49:18,280
Not with those big pig lips.
1196
00:49:18,388 --> 00:49:20,288
That's it:
"She should kiss my Jewish ass,
1197
00:49:20,390 --> 00:49:22,017
but not with those
big pig lips."
1198
00:49:23,593 --> 00:49:26,721
Do you think that's too rough?
1199
00:49:26,830 --> 00:49:29,697
So tell me, you didn't think it
was going to get vicious?
1200
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,495
- No, I just thought
it was at least going to be
1201
00:49:31,601 --> 00:49:32,727
moderately fair.
1202
00:49:32,836 --> 00:49:36,795
And my concern is
how I will be portrayed
1203
00:49:36,907 --> 00:49:39,808
because I have more of
an image issue than you do.
1204
00:49:39,910 --> 00:49:43,402
So that's a little unsettling.
1205
00:49:43,513 --> 00:49:45,105
- It meant you're going
to look very angry,
1206
00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:46,580
and they already said,
when you left
1207
00:49:46,683 --> 00:49:48,310
you really called them
all kinds of names.
1208
00:49:48,418 --> 00:49:49,783
So that's there.
1209
00:49:49,886 --> 00:49:52,184
- But if they cut it to show
that I was telling the truth...
1210
00:49:52,289 --> 00:49:53,813
- Oh, they're not going
to cut it to show
1211
00:49:53,924 --> 00:49:55,915
you were telling the truth,
'cause they don't care.
1212
00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:57,823
They're going to show
that you left pissed off.
1213
00:49:57,928 --> 00:49:59,953
But you also came back,
and you also worked,
1214
00:50:00,063 --> 00:50:01,894
and you also-
that's all right.
1215
00:50:01,999 --> 00:50:03,466
I think it makes you
more interesting,
1216
00:50:03,567 --> 00:50:06,764
Melissa, frankly.
1217
00:50:06,870 --> 00:50:08,394
- You have done
really an amazing job,
1218
00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:09,995
but, Melissa, you're fired.
1219
00:50:10,107 --> 00:50:11,131
- Whore!
Pit viper.
1220
00:50:11,241 --> 00:50:13,505
I want my [bleep],
and I want it now.
1221
00:50:13,610 --> 00:50:17,376
Not getting without it.
1222
00:50:17,481 --> 00:50:21,076
- It makes me very upset
to see her that hurt.
1223
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:23,243
It wasn't even hurt.
1224
00:50:23,353 --> 00:50:26,789
It was the frustration
of the lies.
1225
00:50:26,890 --> 00:50:30,018
It is such a cruel business.
1226
00:50:30,127 --> 00:50:31,924
Sometimes, I just want
to say to her,
1227
00:50:32,029 --> 00:50:33,997
"Why in God's name
are you opening yourself up
1228
00:50:34,097 --> 00:50:36,725
to such punishment?"
1229
00:50:36,833 --> 00:50:38,926
I mean, mine is not a choice.
1230
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,503
Mine is, uh...
1231
00:50:40,604 --> 00:50:42,367
Mine is-I always say,
it's like, uh-
1232
00:50:42,472 --> 00:50:44,030
people say, "Why are you
in the business?"
1233
00:50:44,141 --> 00:50:45,836
Ask a nun why she's a nun.
1234
00:50:45,942 --> 00:50:48,536
That's my drive at 4:00
in the morning in the airport.
1235
00:50:48,645 --> 00:50:50,840
It's-I have no choice.
1236
00:50:50,947 --> 00:50:52,915
And that's where I was
from the time
1237
00:50:53,016 --> 00:50:54,984
I could figure it out.
1238
00:50:55,085 --> 00:50:58,179
No question where I was going.
1239
00:50:58,288 --> 00:51:00,119
There were no drugs.
There was no sex.
1240
00:51:00,223 --> 00:51:03,784
There was no any-
nothing until I got my job.
1241
00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:07,853
That's where I was going,
and just go away.
1242
00:51:12,369 --> 00:51:16,533
[Sirens wailing]
1243
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,541
[Light guitar music]
1244
00:51:19,643 --> 00:51:27,140
[Music continues]
1245
00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:29,445
Mohammed, it's going to be
a long evening.
1246
00:51:29,553 --> 00:51:31,453
We're doing two shows tonight.
1247
00:51:31,555 --> 00:51:32,988
- Joan Rivers?
- Yes?
1248
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,580
- Do you mind autographing this
for me?
1249
00:51:34,691 --> 00:51:35,919
- Oh, my goodness.
Yes, of course.
1250
00:51:36,026 --> 00:51:37,323
I love you.
1251
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,122
- Every Wednesday night
when I'm in New York,
1252
00:51:39,229 --> 00:51:41,561
I work in some tiny little club
where I can practice my act.
1253
00:51:41,665 --> 00:51:44,600
I just talk about anything
and everything that annoys me.
1254
00:51:44,701 --> 00:51:45,827
Thank you.
1255
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:47,870
- You don't get the recognition
you deserve.
1256
00:51:47,971 --> 00:51:50,303
- Damn right, William.
1257
00:51:50,407 --> 00:51:53,570
Okay, see?
I have a fan.
1258
00:51:53,677 --> 00:51:55,167
I have William.
1259
00:51:55,278 --> 00:51:57,007
The minute you're not angry
about things,
1260
00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:58,911
the minute you're not upset
about things,
1261
00:51:59,015 --> 00:52:00,607
what are you talking about?
1262
00:52:00,717 --> 00:52:02,947
"Oh, my grandson was so cute."
1263
00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:04,543
It's not my comedy.
1264
00:52:04,654 --> 00:52:08,613
I'm furious about everything,
furious about everything.
1265
00:52:08,725 --> 00:52:12,456
Good things don't always happen
to good people,
1266
00:52:12,562 --> 00:52:14,462
and I'm very angry about it.
1267
00:52:14,564 --> 00:52:17,055
But if I didn't have the anger,
I wouldn't be a comedian.
1268
00:52:17,167 --> 00:52:20,364
Anger fuels the comedy.
1269
00:52:20,470 --> 00:52:22,131
I hate everybody.
1270
00:52:22,239 --> 00:52:24,070
I hate old people.
1271
00:52:24,174 --> 00:52:25,266
I hate ugly children.
1272
00:52:25,375 --> 00:52:26,535
I hate fat people.
1273
00:52:26,643 --> 00:52:27,940
I hated China.
1274
00:52:28,044 --> 00:52:29,409
I hate whiners.
1275
00:52:29,513 --> 00:52:30,946
Oh, I hate dead people.
1276
00:52:31,047 --> 00:52:33,777
I even have the three wise men
who I hate.
1277
00:52:33,884 --> 00:52:37,411
I love anal sex 'cause you
can do other things, you know?
1278
00:52:37,521 --> 00:52:40,752
It's like...
1279
00:52:40,857 --> 00:52:41,755
You can iron.
1280
00:52:41,858 --> 00:52:44,224
You can read a book.
1281
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:46,761
Get your emails
on your BlackBerry.
1282
00:52:46,863 --> 00:52:49,423
[Laughter]
1283
00:52:53,904 --> 00:52:56,771
[Upbeat guitar music]
1284
00:52:56,873 --> 00:53:04,871
[Music continues]
1285
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:10,251
- Well, right now,
we're getting
1286
00:53:10,353 --> 00:53:13,481
the 17-foot table up the stairs.
1287
00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,457
These two guys just walked it up
seven flights and...
1288
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:18,892
Bring it right here.
1289
00:53:18,995 --> 00:53:20,690
- Today is Thanksgiving. ;
1290
00:53:20,797 --> 00:53:23,595
favorite time of the year,
favorite time of the year.
1291
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,998
Melissa and Cooper come,
of course,
1292
00:53:26,102 --> 00:53:29,128
and then I invite my friends,
and many of them are strays
1293
00:53:29,239 --> 00:53:32,606
or single women or my neighbors
from downstairs.
1294
00:53:32,709 --> 00:53:34,142
It's sad.
1295
00:53:34,244 --> 00:53:35,472
- Why is that?
1296
00:53:35,579 --> 00:53:37,206
- I don't know,
just sad that it seems
1297
00:53:37,314 --> 00:53:39,544
you have fewer friends
in New York,
1298
00:53:39,649 --> 00:53:42,550
and I know when
something wonderful happens,
1299
00:53:42,652 --> 00:53:45,212
there are maybe three people
I'll call,
1300
00:53:45,322 --> 00:53:47,381
when maybe 15 years ago,
1301
00:53:47,490 --> 00:53:49,151
there would have been six people
I'd call.
1302
00:53:49,259 --> 00:53:53,320
So many people are dying,
my God.
1303
00:53:53,430 --> 00:53:55,159
They'd better eat fast tonight.
1304
00:53:55,265 --> 00:53:57,096
[Laughs]
1305
00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:00,499
Oh, it's cold!
1306
00:54:00,604 --> 00:54:02,834
Every Thanksgiving,
I bring meals
1307
00:54:02,939 --> 00:54:05,100
from God's Love We Deliver
1308
00:54:05,208 --> 00:54:08,177
to people that absolutely
are too ill to go out.
1309
00:54:08,278 --> 00:54:12,214
This year I asked my grandson
Cooper to come with me.
1310
00:54:12,315 --> 00:54:15,113
If you what?
1311
00:54:15,218 --> 00:54:17,743
If we can stop
at an electronics store,
1312
00:54:17,854 --> 00:54:19,515
his PSP is broken.
1313
00:54:19,623 --> 00:54:22,217
But If you're very good,
1314
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:24,486
I'll buy you a new one
for your birthday.
1315
00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:27,222
- Well, my friend had three
of them, and he gave me one.
1316
00:54:27,330 --> 00:54:28,729
- That's very nice.
1317
00:54:28,832 --> 00:54:30,094
Is this the one he gave you?
1318
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:31,792
- Yes.
1319
00:54:31,901 --> 00:54:34,028
- He had three of them?
1320
00:54:34,137 --> 00:54:36,867
Has he got a single grandfather?
1321
00:54:36,973 --> 00:54:38,497
[Laughs]
1322
00:54:46,483 --> 00:54:49,008
I love your hands.
1323
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:52,555
They're great hands, Cooper.
1324
00:54:52,656 --> 00:54:55,022
At God's Love We Deliver,
when I started out,
1325
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:57,252
and I'm on the board,
we used to give AIDS patients
1326
00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:59,385
that were going,
we would give them food.
1327
00:54:59,496 --> 00:55:01,157
Well, now AIDS is chronic,
1328
00:55:01,264 --> 00:55:03,095
and I am still delivering
their fucking food.
1329
00:55:03,199 --> 00:55:04,496
I am so pissed.
1330
00:55:04,601 --> 00:55:06,262
I am so-
you know what it's like?
1331
00:55:06,369 --> 00:55:08,132
Thanksgiving morning,
ding-dong,
1332
00:55:08,238 --> 00:55:11,503
the guy opens the door,
"You again?"
1333
00:55:11,608 --> 00:55:14,042
[Laughter]
1334
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:17,307
"This is the third fucking
Thanksgiving in a row, buddy."
1335
00:55:17,414 --> 00:55:18,938
"Miss Rivers,
just leave it over there.
1336
00:55:19,049 --> 00:55:20,016
I'm on my way to the gym."
1337
00:55:20,116 --> 00:55:24,075
"The gym?
1338
00:55:24,187 --> 00:55:25,381
"You're going to die today.
1339
00:55:25,488 --> 00:55:28,389
AIDS or me;
I'm not sure which."
1340
00:55:29,959 --> 00:55:30,983
- Oh, look.
1341
00:55:31,094 --> 00:55:33,028
- Oh, "God's Love We Deliver."
1342
00:55:33,129 --> 00:55:34,460
Aw, how nice is that?
1343
00:55:34,564 --> 00:55:35,462
You want to ring?
1344
00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:36,827
[Doorbell rings]
1345
00:55:36,933 --> 00:55:38,457
Hello, hello.
- Hi.
1346
00:55:38,568 --> 00:55:41,435
- I'm Joan Rivers.
This is my grandson, Cooper.
1347
00:55:41,538 --> 00:55:42,527
And how nice to see you.
1348
00:55:42,639 --> 00:55:44,106
- Joan Rivers?
1349
00:55:44,207 --> 00:55:45,504
The Joan Rivers?
1350
00:55:45,608 --> 00:55:46,540
- I pay her bills.
1351
00:55:46,643 --> 00:55:47,803
[Laughter]
1352
00:55:47,911 --> 00:55:51,005
- You have entertained me
for years, Miss Rivers.
1353
00:55:51,114 --> 00:55:52,604
- I'm so glad.
1354
00:55:52,716 --> 00:55:54,343
- I'm a photographer.
1355
00:55:54,451 --> 00:55:56,351
- Yeah, you can see
there's something going on here
1356
00:55:56,453 --> 00:55:57,613
that's wonderful.
1357
00:55:57,721 --> 00:55:59,518
- Right there, I photographed
the same drugstore
1358
00:55:59,622 --> 00:56:00,646
for 20 years,
1359
00:56:00,757 --> 00:56:04,454
every time they changed
the price of cigarettes.
1360
00:56:04,561 --> 00:56:06,119
- Oh, how brilliant is that?
1361
00:56:06,229 --> 00:56:07,389
- Thank you.
1362
00:56:07,497 --> 00:56:08,486
- Where was it shown?
1363
00:56:08,598 --> 00:56:10,122
- Life magazine.
1364
00:56:10,233 --> 00:56:12,861
I have taken
over 100,000 photos,
1365
00:56:12,969 --> 00:56:15,199
so you might even know my work.
1366
00:56:15,305 --> 00:56:19,071
Look up FloFox. Com.
1367
00:56:19,175 --> 00:56:21,234
- Thank you.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
1368
00:56:21,344 --> 00:56:22,743
- I can't wait
to get out of here
1369
00:56:22,846 --> 00:56:23,938
and go home and look you up.
1370
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:28,143
- Flo Fox, baby.
My name is Flo Fox.
1371
00:56:28,251 --> 00:56:29,548
- I'm with Flo Fox right now.
1372
00:56:29,652 --> 00:56:32,280
What happened that caused
your eyesight to start to fail?
1373
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:34,414
- I believe it's connected
with multiple sclerosis.
1374
00:56:34,524 --> 00:56:36,992
I walk with a cane.
I'm a little off-balance.
1375
00:56:37,093 --> 00:56:38,788
First my eyes went and...
1376
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:41,420
- Oh, it's so sad.
1377
00:56:41,531 --> 00:56:46,491
There's this sexy,
young, artistic, edgy,
1378
00:56:46,603 --> 00:56:49,265
New York, tough,
bohemian girl.
1379
00:56:49,372 --> 00:56:50,862
- It's amazing isn't it?
- Yeah.
1380
00:56:50,974 --> 00:56:55,468
- Life is so mean.
1381
00:56:59,315 --> 00:57:05,311
[People talking at once]
1382
00:57:09,459 --> 00:57:10,426
[Glass clinking]
1383
00:57:10,527 --> 00:57:12,757
And I thank you all
for being here.
1384
00:57:12,862 --> 00:57:15,456
This morning, I delivered meals
with my grandson
1385
00:57:15,565 --> 00:57:19,331
for God's Love We Deliver,
and may I tell you,
1386
00:57:19,436 --> 00:57:20,698
we are so blessed.
1387
00:57:20,804 --> 00:57:23,329
We are so blessed,
and I thank God every minute
1388
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,101
that I ever step
into a limousine.
1389
00:57:25,208 --> 00:57:26,607
I know it sounds silly.
1390
00:57:26,709 --> 00:57:30,907
Since 1968, they've been sending
limousines for me,
1391
00:57:31,014 --> 00:57:33,175
and I never get into one
that I don't say,
1392
00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:36,116
"Thank you, God.
I am so chosen."
1393
00:57:36,219 --> 00:57:38,187
And I thank you all
for being here,
1394
00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,381
and I thank God for
another wonderful Thanksgiving.
1395
00:57:40,490 --> 00:57:42,014
- Hear! Hear!
1396
00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:43,092
[Applause]
1397
00:57:43,193 --> 00:57:45,252
[Laughter]
1398
00:57:45,361 --> 00:57:46,851
[Car horn honks]
1399
00:57:52,001 --> 00:57:55,266
- We are at the Kennedy Center,
in Washington, D. C.
1400
00:57:55,371 --> 00:57:58,932
I am here to do a tribute
to George Carlin.
1401
00:57:59,042 --> 00:58:01,704
I find this whole thing
very hypocritical.
1402
00:58:01,811 --> 00:58:04,336
This is everything
George claimed he wasn't.
1403
00:58:04,447 --> 00:58:07,007
George hated the establishment.
1404
00:58:07,116 --> 00:58:09,414
George hated the people that
are going to be here tonight,
1405
00:58:09,519 --> 00:58:11,510
which are going to be
a bunch of older,
1406
00:58:11,621 --> 00:58:14,112
very wealthy Republicans.
1407
00:58:14,224 --> 00:58:16,590
All the things
that George fought against
1408
00:58:16,693 --> 00:58:18,160
tonight will all be negated
1409
00:58:18,261 --> 00:58:20,991
because he's getting
the Mark Twain award.
1410
00:58:21,097 --> 00:58:23,327
It would be like me getting
a big award
1411
00:58:23,433 --> 00:58:24,991
from the German Bund.
1412
00:58:25,101 --> 00:58:27,934
[Laughs]
1413
00:58:28,037 --> 00:58:32,701
"And now for funniest Jewess
not in the ovens,
1414
00:58:32,809 --> 00:58:37,212
Joan Rosenberg Rivers!"
1415
00:58:37,313 --> 00:58:40,578
[Laughs]
1416
00:58:40,683 --> 00:58:42,981
But, um, there's
an importance for me
1417
00:58:43,086 --> 00:58:44,883
for this type of an event
for comedy,
1418
00:58:44,988 --> 00:58:46,717
because I'm always left out
of it.
1419
00:58:46,823 --> 00:58:49,621
So for me, this is nice
to be included,
1420
00:58:49,726 --> 00:58:51,819
because I'm usually
not included.
1421
00:58:55,999 --> 00:58:58,729
Once a Jew, always a Jew.
1422
00:58:58,835 --> 00:59:00,097
[Laughs]
1423
00:59:00,203 --> 00:59:02,728
I'm going in
to clean that bathroom.
1424
00:59:02,839 --> 00:59:04,204
- Have you seen that shower
in there?
1425
00:59:04,307 --> 00:59:05,331
It's kind of interesting.
1426
00:59:05,441 --> 00:59:06,339
- Ugh.
1427
00:59:06,442 --> 00:59:07,875
Oh, look.
1428
00:59:07,977 --> 00:59:10,537
- Now it is.
1429
00:59:10,647 --> 00:59:13,172
[Aerosol can hissing]
1430
00:59:13,283 --> 00:59:15,308
- The writers are ready
for you when you want them.
1431
00:59:15,418 --> 00:59:16,544
- I'm ready for the writers.
1432
00:59:16,653 --> 00:59:17,620
- Okay.
1433
00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:18,812
- Okay, where are the writers?
1434
00:59:18,922 --> 00:59:20,253
They're coming in here?
1435
00:59:20,356 --> 00:59:21,448
- Yeah.
1436
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:22,650
- Now, is it just the two of us?
1437
00:59:22,759 --> 00:59:23,817
- Yeah.
- All right.
1438
00:59:23,927 --> 00:59:25,121
- Miss Rivers, the "fuck" thing,
1439
00:59:25,228 --> 00:59:26,320
I know the executive producers
1440
00:59:26,429 --> 00:59:27,760
are a little concerned
about that.
1441
00:59:27,864 --> 00:59:29,126
- Yes, and well they should be.
1442
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:31,166
I probably will have one "fuck"
somewhere in there.
1443
00:59:31,267 --> 00:59:32,894
- That's fine.
- Just to get the audience...
1444
00:59:33,002 --> 00:59:34,299
- No, exactly.
One is fine.
1445
00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:36,201
And it will be bleeped for TV.
- Yes.
1446
00:59:36,306 --> 00:59:38,240
- I have no problems.
All right, guys, see you later.
1447
00:59:38,341 --> 00:59:39,467
Thanks, Joan.
See you in a bit.
1448
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:40,838
- Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
1449
00:59:40,944 --> 00:59:45,438
They're all going to be
so much funnier than I am.
1450
00:59:45,548 --> 00:59:48,142
See, when you see the lineup,
and you know Jon Stewart
1451
00:59:48,251 --> 00:59:51,414
had 12 writers work on this,
1452
00:59:51,521 --> 00:59:55,617
and you know, uh, Garry had
six writers work on this.
1453
00:59:55,725 --> 00:59:58,285
And you know all these people-
look who's here.
1454
00:59:58,394 --> 01:00:01,693
They all have
professional staffs.
1455
01:00:01,798 --> 01:00:03,561
- Wow.
1456
01:00:03,666 --> 01:00:06,032
[People speaking indistinctly]
1457
01:00:06,135 --> 01:00:08,330
- You know, there's a lot
of his stuff that's-
1458
01:00:11,207 --> 01:00:12,606
[laughter]
1459
01:00:12,709 --> 01:00:16,076
- Joan, um, what is it like
being a comedic icon?
1460
01:00:16,179 --> 01:00:18,272
I'm sure there are comedians
that come up to you and say,
1461
01:00:18,381 --> 01:00:19,348
"You were an inspiration."
1462
01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:20,541
- I'm not ready to be an icon,
1463
01:00:20,650 --> 01:00:22,208
and I'm not ready
to be told thank you.
1464
01:00:22,318 --> 01:00:23,580
Fuck you.
1465
01:00:23,686 --> 01:00:25,779
[Laughter]
1466
01:00:25,888 --> 01:00:30,086
- Lewis Black.
Margaret Cho.
1467
01:00:30,193 --> 01:00:32,024
Ben E. King.
- Don't know him.
1468
01:00:32,128 --> 01:00:33,618
- Dennis Leary.
- Clever.
1469
01:00:33,730 --> 01:00:35,698
- Bill Maher.
- Brilliant.
1470
01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:37,459
- Joan Rivers.
- Okay.
1471
01:00:37,567 --> 01:00:39,398
- Garry Shandling.
- Brilliant.
1472
01:00:39,502 --> 01:00:42,027
- Jon Stewart.
- Smart.
1473
01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:44,106
- Ben Stiller.
- Eh... lucky.
1474
01:00:44,207 --> 01:00:46,334
- And Lily Tomlin.
- Brilliant.
1475
01:00:46,442 --> 01:00:49,605
- Ladies and gentlemen,
George Carlin.
1476
01:00:49,712 --> 01:00:51,907
[Laughter]
1477
01:00:52,015 --> 01:00:54,040
[Applause]
1478
01:00:54,150 --> 01:01:00,521
[Joan speaking indistinctly]
1479
01:01:00,623 --> 01:01:03,251
- The Smothers Brothers
and Laugh-ln.
1480
01:01:03,359 --> 01:01:05,827
And it was such a great time
to be in comedy.
1481
01:01:05,928 --> 01:01:08,920
[Applause]
1482
01:01:14,771 --> 01:01:16,500
- Few people are always funny,
1483
01:01:16,606 --> 01:01:19,074
but certainly one
of the chosen people
1484
01:01:19,175 --> 01:01:20,574
is our next presenter,
1485
01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:23,908
the fabulous Joan Rivers,
ladies and gentlemen.
1486
01:01:24,013 --> 01:01:28,916
[Cheers and applause]
1487
01:01:29,018 --> 01:01:31,486
- We use to play
these terrible clubs.
1488
01:01:31,587 --> 01:01:33,214
Literally,
you didn't get paid.
1489
01:01:33,322 --> 01:01:34,755
You passed the hat,
1490
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:36,620
and some nights,
the hat would come back
1491
01:01:36,726 --> 01:01:38,023
with a severed head.
1492
01:01:38,127 --> 01:01:39,059
Some nights...
1493
01:01:39,162 --> 01:01:40,561
[laughter]
1494
01:01:40,663 --> 01:01:42,722
And they asked me to say
a couple of words about George,
1495
01:01:42,832 --> 01:01:45,096
and I kept thinking
that is so unfair.
1496
01:01:45,201 --> 01:01:47,669
You cannot sum George Carlin up
in two words.
1497
01:01:47,770 --> 01:01:50,637
Give me at least seven.
1498
01:01:50,740 --> 01:01:52,037
And...
1499
01:01:52,141 --> 01:01:55,633
[laughter and applause]
1500
01:01:55,745 --> 01:01:59,112
- You were so funny.
1501
01:01:59,215 --> 01:02:01,809
- I think today went very well.
1502
01:02:01,918 --> 01:02:04,512
I think I did not embarrass
myself at all.
1503
01:02:04,620 --> 01:02:06,588
I think I was fine.
1504
01:02:06,689 --> 01:02:09,681
I think I was funnier
than a lot of people,
1505
01:02:09,792 --> 01:02:11,384
not as funny
as a lot of people,
1506
01:02:11,494 --> 01:02:17,262
but, uh, yeah,
I was perfectly fine.
1507
01:02:17,934 --> 01:02:20,459
[Dramatic guitar music]
1508
01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:26,270
[Music continues]
1509
01:02:26,375 --> 01:02:28,309
- I am getting ready to go
to Wisconsin.
1510
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:31,608
I've never done an act before
in Mukluks.
1511
01:02:31,714 --> 01:02:33,511
- [Laughs]
They have no idea.
1512
01:02:33,616 --> 01:02:34,742
- They'll stare at me
when I say,
1513
01:02:34,851 --> 01:02:36,375
"Where are the gays?"
1514
01:02:36,486 --> 01:02:38,716
They're going to tell us,
"Dead, we killed them."
1515
01:02:38,821 --> 01:02:40,118
[Laughter]
1516
01:02:40,223 --> 01:02:42,248
Why am I going to Wisconsin?
1517
01:02:42,358 --> 01:02:44,258
A thing called money.
1518
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:46,851
They're so desperate to get me,
they're paying me.
1519
01:02:46,963 --> 01:02:48,931
That's why I'm going
to Wisconsin.
1520
01:02:49,031 --> 01:02:53,798
[Music continues]
1521
01:02:53,903 --> 01:02:55,700
I worked last night.
1522
01:02:55,805 --> 01:02:58,365
I worked in Toronto
until about 2:30 in the morning
1523
01:02:58,474 --> 01:03:00,203
on The Shopping Channel.
1524
01:03:00,309 --> 01:03:05,178
Then I got up at 5:00 to make
a 7:00 plane or something
1525
01:03:05,281 --> 01:03:06,805
to Chicago.
1526
01:03:06,916 --> 01:03:08,713
And then from Chicago,
I took a little,
1527
01:03:08,818 --> 01:03:10,115
what they call, "puddle jumper."
1528
01:03:10,219 --> 01:03:12,084
It was adorable.
1529
01:03:12,188 --> 01:03:14,213
How is the gay community here?
1530
01:03:14,323 --> 01:03:16,188
- That I really don't know.
1531
01:03:16,292 --> 01:03:17,953
- Oh, see.
1532
01:03:18,060 --> 01:03:19,527
Ask your cousin.
1533
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:21,790
[Laughter]
1534
01:03:21,898 --> 01:03:23,729
Ask your wife's brother.
1535
01:03:23,833 --> 01:03:25,528
- Is this the most
remote place?
1536
01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:26,795
- No-oh, no.
1537
01:03:26,903 --> 01:03:28,336
- Well, where is
the most remote place
1538
01:03:28,437 --> 01:03:29,426
you've ever played?
1539
01:03:29,539 --> 01:03:31,063
- The most remote place
I've ever played
1540
01:03:31,174 --> 01:03:32,903
was Reykjavik, Iceland.
1541
01:03:33,009 --> 01:03:36,536
I've played them all.
Juneau.
1542
01:03:36,646 --> 01:03:38,136
Oh, are they wrong.
1543
01:03:38,247 --> 01:03:40,078
That was called the Texas Motel.
1544
01:03:40,183 --> 01:03:42,777
[Laughs]
They are so off.
1545
01:03:42,885 --> 01:03:44,352
[Laughs]
1546
01:03:44,453 --> 01:03:51,450
[Music continues]
1547
01:03:51,561 --> 01:03:54,325
Some places, as you know,
are better than others.
1548
01:03:54,430 --> 01:03:59,231
This would not be
my first choice of décor.
1549
01:03:59,335 --> 01:04:02,133
The audience is going to be
very born-again,
1550
01:04:02,238 --> 01:04:04,570
I have a feeling,
very fundamentalist.
1551
01:04:04,674 --> 01:04:06,835
They're going to get
very shaken up.
1552
01:04:06,943 --> 01:04:08,205
[Laughs]
1553
01:04:08,311 --> 01:04:09,676
Get the check.
1554
01:04:09,779 --> 01:04:10,803
Yeah, right.
1555
01:04:10,913 --> 01:04:13,643
Whatever I do on stage...
1556
01:04:13,749 --> 01:04:15,649
Are they gonna clean
the stage a little bit?
1557
01:04:15,751 --> 01:04:17,776
Because I kind of roll around
on it and stuff.
1558
01:04:17,887 --> 01:04:18,854
It's a little...
1559
01:04:18,955 --> 01:04:20,547
Ick.
There's gum.
1560
01:04:20,656 --> 01:04:21,918
Aren't you the makeup person?
1561
01:04:22,024 --> 01:04:24,117
You win the award,
that showed up with no makeup.
1562
01:04:24,227 --> 01:04:25,751
Don't you have your makeup?
1563
01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:27,295
Aren't you the makeup girl?
1564
01:04:27,396 --> 01:04:30,627
She's the makeup girl,
and she didn't bring makeup.
1565
01:04:30,733 --> 01:04:34,032
"May."
1566
01:04:34,136 --> 01:04:35,330
Good month.
1567
01:04:35,438 --> 01:04:36,530
- Of next year.
1568
01:04:36,639 --> 01:04:37,663
- May of next year.
1569
01:04:39,642 --> 01:04:42,133
You leave New York,
you leave L.A.,
1570
01:04:42,245 --> 01:04:46,841
you leave the world.
1571
01:04:46,949 --> 01:04:48,940
But that's what
makes it charming.
1572
01:04:50,620 --> 01:04:54,317
[Cheers and applause]
1573
01:04:54,423 --> 01:04:57,654
First of all, where are-
where are we?
1574
01:04:57,760 --> 01:04:59,057
What the hell is going-
1575
01:04:59,161 --> 01:05:00,219
I was out in the casino.
1576
01:05:00,329 --> 01:05:04,163
A guy put a quarter in,
fish came out.
1577
01:05:04,267 --> 01:05:07,430
Uh, well, never mind Viagra.
What about Cialis?
1578
01:05:07,536 --> 01:05:11,939
36 fucking hours
a man has an erection?
1579
01:05:12,041 --> 01:05:16,478
An 85-year-old man
for 36 hours?
1580
01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:18,774
That's devil's work.
1581
01:05:18,881 --> 01:05:21,281
And on these poor,
old, dried-out old wives?
1582
01:05:21,384 --> 01:05:22,715
And these guys on top of them,
1583
01:05:22,818 --> 01:05:24,809
in and out, in and out,
in and out.
1584
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:26,752
They're going to set them
on fire.
1585
01:05:26,856 --> 01:05:29,450
It's-yes.
1586
01:05:29,558 --> 01:05:30,855
Ugh, I hate children.
1587
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:33,292
[Groans]
1588
01:05:33,396 --> 01:05:35,660
The only child that I think
I would have liked ever
1589
01:05:35,765 --> 01:05:37,790
was Helen Keller
because she didn't talk.
1590
01:05:37,900 --> 01:05:39,663
It is just...
1591
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:40,895
[laughter]
1592
01:05:41,003 --> 01:05:42,095
- Not very funny.
1593
01:05:42,204 --> 01:05:44,229
- Yes, it is.
1594
01:05:44,340 --> 01:05:45,602
And if you don't, then leave!
1595
01:05:45,708 --> 01:05:47,642
- It's not very funny
if you have a deaf son.
1596
01:05:47,743 --> 01:05:49,142
- I happen to have
a deaf mother.
1597
01:05:49,245 --> 01:05:50,712
Oh, you stupid ass.
1598
01:05:50,813 --> 01:05:52,474
Let me tell you
what comedy is about.
1599
01:05:52,581 --> 01:05:54,412
- You go ahead and tell me
what comedy's about.
1600
01:05:54,517 --> 01:05:56,542
- Oh, please.
You are so stupid.
1601
01:05:56,652 --> 01:05:58,813
Comedy is to make everybody
laugh at everything
1602
01:05:58,921 --> 01:06:01,515
and deal with things,
you idiot.
1603
01:06:01,624 --> 01:06:05,116
My mother is deaf,
you stupid son of a bitch.
1604
01:06:05,227 --> 01:06:07,058
Don't tell me.
1605
01:06:07,163 --> 01:06:08,391
[Cheers and applause]
1606
01:06:08,497 --> 01:06:10,192
And just in case
you can hear me in the hallway,
1607
01:06:10,299 --> 01:06:12,961
I lived for nine years
with a man with one leg.
1608
01:06:13,069 --> 01:06:14,366
Okay, you asshole?
1609
01:06:14,470 --> 01:06:16,597
And we're going to talk about
what it's like
1610
01:06:16,706 --> 01:06:19,903
to have a man with one leg
who lost it in World War II
1611
01:06:20,009 --> 01:06:21,237
and never went back to get it,
1612
01:06:21,344 --> 01:06:23,869
because that's
fucking littering.
1613
01:06:23,980 --> 01:06:26,005
[Laughter]
1614
01:06:26,115 --> 01:06:29,983
So don't you tell me
what's funny.
1615
01:06:30,086 --> 01:06:31,644
Comedy is to make us laugh.
1616
01:06:31,754 --> 01:06:33,915
9/11?
1617
01:06:34,023 --> 01:06:37,322
If we didn't laugh,
where the hell would we all be?
1618
01:06:37,426 --> 01:06:38,688
Think about that.
1619
01:06:38,794 --> 01:06:41,058
Where the hell would we all be?
1620
01:06:41,163 --> 01:06:43,654
How can you not find Osama?
1621
01:06:43,766 --> 01:06:46,701
There is one-
there is one outlet.
1622
01:06:46,802 --> 01:06:48,064
He's on dialysis.
1623
01:06:48,170 --> 01:06:50,570
There is one outlet
in all of Afghanistan.
1624
01:06:50,673 --> 01:06:52,402
Find the plug...
1625
01:06:52,508 --> 01:06:54,442
[laughter]
1626
01:06:54,543 --> 01:06:57,068
And follow the cord.
1627
01:06:57,179 --> 01:07:01,513
[Laughter]
1628
01:07:01,617 --> 01:07:04,609
[Cheers and applause]
1629
01:07:12,661 --> 01:07:15,562
Well, okay.
1630
01:07:15,664 --> 01:07:17,097
How about that?
1631
01:07:17,199 --> 01:07:21,465
"I have a-
a deaf son!"
1632
01:07:21,570 --> 01:07:25,199
Oh, what a good way to build.
1633
01:07:25,307 --> 01:07:27,673
That was
a very difficult moment.
1634
01:07:27,777 --> 01:07:29,608
It throws you terribly,
because you know
1635
01:07:29,712 --> 01:07:35,412
the audience is so nervous
and so scared to laugh.
1636
01:07:35,518 --> 01:07:38,385
Your mind is going
a mile a minute.
1637
01:07:38,487 --> 01:07:40,387
"Where am I going to go?
What am I going to do?
1638
01:07:40,489 --> 01:07:44,016
Where am I going to take them?"
1639
01:07:44,126 --> 01:07:45,855
So there are two things
going on,
1640
01:07:45,961 --> 01:07:48,759
your mouth and your head.
1641
01:07:48,864 --> 01:07:53,597
Luckily, I was able
to get them back.
1642
01:07:53,702 --> 01:07:55,135
- Thank you.
You are so-
1643
01:07:55,237 --> 01:07:56,670
I've never laughed so hard
in my life!
1644
01:07:56,772 --> 01:07:57,966
- Oh, you were
a good laugher,
1645
01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,302
and that makes
such a difference.
1646
01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:01,239
- Oh, I know,
and that-that rotten guy.
1647
01:08:01,343 --> 01:08:02,674
- I'm sorry for him.
1648
01:08:02,778 --> 01:08:04,712
- I was ready to get up
and say-and tell him to leave.
1649
01:08:04,814 --> 01:08:06,179
- He has a deaf son.
1650
01:08:06,282 --> 01:08:08,216
- I know, but he's got
to realize that this is comedy.
1651
01:08:08,317 --> 01:08:09,579
- Comedy.
- Right.
1652
01:08:09,685 --> 01:08:14,019
- I felt terribly sorry
for the man with the deaf son,
1653
01:08:14,123 --> 01:08:15,784
and of course he's angry.
1654
01:08:15,891 --> 01:08:16,983
Of course he's angry.
1655
01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:20,119
I get that, but don't ruin
the whole act.
1656
01:08:20,229 --> 01:08:22,424
But maybe it got it out of him,
1657
01:08:22,531 --> 01:08:24,396
and maybe it's good
what happened to him too.
1658
01:08:24,500 --> 01:08:26,593
He had kind of a catharsis.
1659
01:08:26,702 --> 01:08:28,363
And you're driving us?
- Yep.
1660
01:08:28,471 --> 01:08:29,836
- Have you been drinking?
- No, ma'am.
1661
01:08:29,939 --> 01:08:31,736
- Have you been drugging?
- No.
1662
01:08:31,841 --> 01:08:33,172
- Have you been whoring?
1663
01:08:33,275 --> 01:08:34,469
- I may have been.
1664
01:08:34,577 --> 01:08:36,067
- Okay, well, that's good.
1665
01:08:36,178 --> 01:08:38,009
Then you'll be relaxed.
1666
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:40,810
You ought to just head
for New York
1667
01:08:40,916 --> 01:08:42,281
and just get me home.
1668
01:08:42,384 --> 01:08:45,080
There's nothing like
your own bed.
1669
01:08:45,187 --> 01:08:47,280
Nothing like your own bed.
1670
01:08:53,229 --> 01:08:55,424
[Car horns honking]
1671
01:08:55,531 --> 01:08:56,589
They called my agent.
1672
01:08:56,699 --> 01:08:58,030
They wanted to get
William Shatner.
1673
01:08:58,134 --> 01:08:59,192
He said no.
1674
01:08:59,301 --> 01:09:00,666
They wanted to get
George Hamilton.
1675
01:09:00,769 --> 01:09:01,861
He said no.
1676
01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:03,165
So I said,
"A woman should do it.
1677
01:09:03,272 --> 01:09:04,705
And I'll do it."
1678
01:09:04,807 --> 01:09:06,399
Extend.
1679
01:09:06,509 --> 01:09:10,946
Extend, which is,
you take a pill,
1680
01:09:11,046 --> 01:09:14,846
and the man's penis
just grows, grows.
1681
01:09:14,950 --> 01:09:16,349
Not penile enlargement,
1682
01:09:16,452 --> 01:09:20,013
just, "Oh, look,
who's a big boy now!"
1683
01:09:20,122 --> 01:09:23,956
- Joan will turn
nothing down at all.
1684
01:09:24,059 --> 01:09:25,617
Nothing.
1685
01:09:25,728 --> 01:09:28,697
- And she hears
the clock ticking
1686
01:09:28,797 --> 01:09:32,096
every minute of every hour
of every day.
1687
01:09:33,702 --> 01:09:37,069
- I'm going to Palm Springs
for-what is this for?
1688
01:09:37,173 --> 01:09:38,231
Do you know what this is for?
1689
01:09:38,340 --> 01:09:39,307
- The Betty Ford Clinic.
1690
01:09:39,408 --> 01:09:40,705
- This is
for the Betty Ford Clinic,
1691
01:09:40,809 --> 01:09:43,107
so they'll be very serious
about drugs.
1692
01:09:43,212 --> 01:09:45,009
[Laughs]
1693
01:09:45,114 --> 01:09:46,103
All right, well, uh,
1694
01:09:46,215 --> 01:09:48,183
Are they lining you up
like Nazis?
1695
01:09:48,284 --> 01:09:49,478
All right.
That's all right.
1696
01:09:49,585 --> 01:09:50,677
Okay.
1697
01:09:50,786 --> 01:09:52,310
"Sorry, bitch.
1698
01:09:52,421 --> 01:09:54,321
"I'm not Carol Channing,
but this will have to do.
1699
01:09:54,423 --> 01:09:55,685
Much love, Joan Rivers."
1700
01:09:55,791 --> 01:09:57,088
- Thank you.
1701
01:09:57,193 --> 01:09:59,559
- I have Ss, sibilant Ss.
1702
01:09:59,662 --> 01:10:01,061
Ss, ss.
1703
01:10:01,163 --> 01:10:02,494
Even a little more.
1704
01:10:02,598 --> 01:10:03,997
If you take out the top
or the bottom,
1705
01:10:04,099 --> 01:10:05,760
that usually works pretty well.
1706
01:10:08,704 --> 01:10:10,763
- This is the early Joan,
and this is me.
1707
01:10:10,873 --> 01:10:12,204
"Oh, darling.
Can we talk?
1708
01:10:12,308 --> 01:10:15,607
Oh, does this tampon
make me look fat?"
1709
01:10:17,046 --> 01:10:19,037
- We're going to go
straight down this hallway.
1710
01:10:19,148 --> 01:10:20,945
- I'll follow you.
- Okay.
1711
01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:22,881
- I love that the nails
match the dress.
1712
01:10:22,985 --> 01:10:24,418
I think that's so fabulous.
1713
01:10:24,520 --> 01:10:25,919
- Thank you.
1714
01:10:26,021 --> 01:10:28,148
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
1715
01:10:28,257 --> 01:10:30,282
- Be careful.
Be careful; it's wet.
1716
01:10:30,392 --> 01:10:32,257
Victoria Beckham,
1717
01:10:32,361 --> 01:10:34,829
"Uch, uch, does the tampon
make me look fat?"
1718
01:10:34,930 --> 01:10:37,125
I can't stand her.
1719
01:10:39,868 --> 01:10:42,496
Okay.
Up we go.
1720
01:10:42,605 --> 01:10:44,869
And we're going
to Minneapolis, right?
1721
01:10:44,974 --> 01:10:46,805
- Yes. It's cold there.
1722
01:10:48,077 --> 01:10:50,978
[Dramatic music]
1723
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:59,078
[Music continues]
1724
01:11:00,522 --> 01:11:03,047
- All right.
And thank you.
1725
01:11:03,158 --> 01:11:04,056
You were terrific.
1726
01:11:04,159 --> 01:11:05,057
- Pleasure meeting you.
1727
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:06,149
- Thank you.
1728
01:11:11,500 --> 01:11:13,968
Hello.
1729
01:11:14,069 --> 01:11:18,062
I don't care
if it's God himself.
1730
01:11:18,173 --> 01:11:22,371
No one is to call my room
until 6:30.
1731
01:11:22,478 --> 01:11:23,809
- Okay.
1732
01:11:28,250 --> 01:11:30,741
- Save your money
when you're younger,
1733
01:11:30,853 --> 01:11:34,345
that you don't have to whore
yourself out when you're old.
1734
01:11:34,456 --> 01:11:36,822
To be roasted,
Comedy Central.
1735
01:11:36,925 --> 01:11:38,290
- Oh, God.
1736
01:11:38,394 --> 01:11:42,023
- I know, but the money
is extraordinary.
1737
01:11:42,131 --> 01:11:43,860
I am so depressed.
1738
01:11:43,966 --> 01:11:45,991
I can't even go there
with you now.
1739
01:11:46,101 --> 01:11:49,559
This-this is the cherry
on the cake.
1740
01:11:49,672 --> 01:11:51,401
Mohammed, could you stop
for a moment
1741
01:11:51,507 --> 01:11:54,135
so I can get out
in front of the car?
1742
01:11:54,243 --> 01:11:56,211
And could you just run me over?
1743
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:58,473
End it now, Mohammed.
1744
01:11:58,580 --> 01:12:00,878
- It can't be...
1745
01:12:00,983 --> 01:12:02,348
- Oh, do you know the jokes?
1746
01:12:02,451 --> 01:12:06,547
Every joke is going to be
plastic surgery or old.
1747
01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:08,418
It comes back at you,
doesn't it?
1748
01:12:08,524 --> 01:12:09,491
- Yep.
1749
01:12:09,591 --> 01:12:11,855
- God.
1750
01:12:11,960 --> 01:12:13,257
- Miss Rivers
to the set, please.
1751
01:12:13,362 --> 01:12:15,159
[Bell rings]
1752
01:12:15,264 --> 01:12:17,562
- Slate here.
Stand by.
1753
01:12:17,666 --> 01:12:20,430
- And action.
1754
01:12:20,536 --> 01:12:22,800
- This tastes like urine!
1755
01:12:22,905 --> 01:12:26,864
- You crazy fucking bitch.
1756
01:12:26,975 --> 01:12:29,409
- The crew loves me.
1757
01:12:29,511 --> 01:12:32,002
They keep telling you
it's an honor.
1758
01:12:32,114 --> 01:12:34,446
I'm telling you that if
I had invested wisely,
1759
01:12:34,550 --> 01:12:36,177
I wouldn't be doing this.
1760
01:12:36,285 --> 01:12:39,118
- By the way, did you know
that I have never done
1761
01:12:39,221 --> 01:12:40,586
a roast in my life?
1762
01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:41,587
- It's so disgusting.
1763
01:12:41,690 --> 01:12:42,748
- They're not disgusting.
1764
01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:45,190
It is an honor.
I'm telling you.
1765
01:12:45,294 --> 01:12:46,659
No, don't make that face.
1766
01:12:46,762 --> 01:12:47,888
- But the money is very good.
1767
01:12:47,996 --> 01:12:49,486
- The money is good,
which is an honor.
1768
01:12:49,598 --> 01:12:51,156
I mean, I'm an artist,
and I'm doing it
1769
01:12:51,266 --> 01:12:52,290
for the art like you are.
1770
01:12:52,401 --> 01:12:53,299
- Yes, precisely.
1771
01:12:53,402 --> 01:12:55,029
- Couple of artists,
with easels,
1772
01:12:55,137 --> 01:12:56,695
sitting around,
collecting our money.
1773
01:12:56,805 --> 01:12:59,899
- Joan will cross to her seat,
all right,
1774
01:13:00,008 --> 01:13:03,034
in, let's say,
three, two, one, go.
1775
01:13:03,145 --> 01:13:04,806
- Talk about lucky!
1776
01:13:04,913 --> 01:13:07,108
Brad and Angelina
are having a sale!
1777
01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:08,376
Look at them!
1778
01:13:08,484 --> 01:13:10,918
Go on down now.
Auntie Joanie's busy.
1779
01:13:11,019 --> 01:13:12,543
Fuck. Sh-
1780
01:13:12,654 --> 01:13:14,212
- Okay, no, no, don't go yet.
1781
01:13:14,323 --> 01:13:15,847
- We're just-and this is-
1782
01:13:15,958 --> 01:13:17,619
At this point,
that's when you would go.
1783
01:13:17,726 --> 01:13:19,557
- Could somebody
help me here, please?
1784
01:13:19,661 --> 01:13:21,424
No, no, really.
1785
01:13:21,530 --> 01:13:23,464
Don't bother.
1786
01:13:23,565 --> 01:13:25,829
- You know, if everybody's
giving you a standing ovation,
1787
01:13:25,934 --> 01:13:27,595
that joke probably
won't read that well.
1788
01:13:27,703 --> 01:13:29,796
- I beg you.
It will read.
1789
01:13:29,905 --> 01:13:32,339
I will wait until
the standing ovation is over.
1790
01:13:32,441 --> 01:13:33,533
I will get up here-
1791
01:13:33,642 --> 01:13:35,303
- They will not sit down
till you sit down.
1792
01:13:35,411 --> 01:13:37,242
- Well, then, they're going
to stand until I sit.
1793
01:13:37,346 --> 01:13:40,838
I'm pleading with you,
don't knock every joke,
1794
01:13:40,949 --> 01:13:42,541
or it's not going to be funny.
1795
01:13:42,651 --> 01:13:45,347
I'm begging you.
I'm pleading with you.
1796
01:13:45,454 --> 01:13:46,785
I will thank them,
1797
01:13:46,889 --> 01:13:50,052
and then I will either
sit down and miss the chair.
1798
01:13:50,159 --> 01:13:54,960
I will do something funny,
because I am a funny person.
1799
01:13:55,063 --> 01:13:59,625
[Applause]
1800
01:13:59,735 --> 01:14:01,930
- Hello, hello, hello!
1801
01:14:02,037 --> 01:14:04,801
We are here
to celebrate the career
1802
01:14:04,907 --> 01:14:08,434
of a groundbreaking comedian
and a legendary bitch.
1803
01:14:08,544 --> 01:14:10,375
[Laughter]
1804
01:14:10,479 --> 01:14:12,640
- How much worse
could your real face look
1805
01:14:12,748 --> 01:14:16,081
than that clown mask you've had
welded onto your head?
1806
01:14:16,185 --> 01:14:18,050
- Look at her.
She's a cougar.
1807
01:14:18,153 --> 01:14:20,883
Freddie Cougar.
1808
01:14:20,989 --> 01:14:23,549
- Joan's face has been lifted
so many times
1809
01:14:23,659 --> 01:14:27,288
that when she sneezes,
she has to blow her clit.
1810
01:14:27,396 --> 01:14:28,294
[Laughs]
1811
01:14:28,397 --> 01:14:29,694
- I get mad at myself.
1812
01:14:29,798 --> 01:14:30,958
I think, at this age,
1813
01:14:31,066 --> 01:14:33,626
you've been doing it
since 1966,
1814
01:14:33,735 --> 01:14:36,101
and you shouldn't let them
upset you anymore,
1815
01:14:36,205 --> 01:14:38,503
but they do.
1816
01:14:38,607 --> 01:14:40,973
I did the Comedy Central roast,
okay?
1817
01:14:41,076 --> 01:14:42,236
[Audience cheers]
1818
01:14:42,344 --> 01:14:44,312
And, uh, yeah, which was great,
which was great.
1819
01:14:44,413 --> 01:14:46,540
I-I was-they-they-
1820
01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:48,513
they said such mean,
disgusting, filthy-
1821
01:14:48,617 --> 01:14:49,879
they called me a whore
and a cunt
1822
01:14:49,985 --> 01:14:51,316
and a this and a that.
1823
01:14:51,420 --> 01:14:52,944
I kept thinking,
"How do they know me?"
1824
01:14:53,055 --> 01:14:54,044
It is just...
1825
01:14:54,156 --> 01:14:55,748
[laughter]
1826
01:14:55,858 --> 01:15:00,295
Oh, oh, sure.
Turn against the queen.
1827
01:15:00,395 --> 01:15:02,090
It's like Marie Antoinette.
1828
01:15:02,197 --> 01:15:04,529
Yeah, like you're going to do
better with Kathy Griffin.
1829
01:15:04,633 --> 01:15:05,759
Fuck you.
1830
01:15:05,868 --> 01:15:08,166
It is just...
1831
01:15:08,270 --> 01:15:11,603
when she lasts 45 years,
then go stand on my grave.
1832
01:15:11,707 --> 01:15:12,731
[Cheers and applause]
1833
01:15:12,841 --> 01:15:14,206
Just kidding.
1834
01:15:14,309 --> 01:15:15,469
I love Kathy.
1835
01:15:20,449 --> 01:15:21,473
- Where's Billy these days?
1836
01:15:21,583 --> 01:15:23,244
- I have no idea.
1837
01:15:23,352 --> 01:15:25,616
He's no longer
really part of my career.
1838
01:15:25,721 --> 01:15:26,983
He can't be.
1839
01:15:27,089 --> 01:15:29,922
You spend too much energy
looking for Billy
1840
01:15:30,025 --> 01:15:32,016
and too many phone calls
coming in from people
1841
01:15:32,127 --> 01:15:35,221
that haven't heard from Billy,
and, uh, can't deal with it.
1842
01:15:35,330 --> 01:15:37,161
- You know it's bad when people
say something to me.
1843
01:15:37,266 --> 01:15:38,392
You know what I'm talking about?
1844
01:15:38,500 --> 01:15:39,831
I run into people,
and they're like,
1845
01:15:39,935 --> 01:15:41,232
"Oh, we were trying
to reach Billy,
1846
01:15:41,336 --> 01:15:42,496
and he never called us back."
1847
01:15:42,604 --> 01:15:44,094
I'm like, "I don't know
what to tell you."
1848
01:15:44,206 --> 01:15:46,299
- Yeah, but let us know.
Yeah, just say, "Call Jocelyn."
1849
01:15:46,408 --> 01:15:47,636
- Yeah.
1850
01:15:49,645 --> 01:15:54,446
- Billy, unfortunately,
is no longer part of my team.
1851
01:15:54,550 --> 01:15:56,950
I sent him an email saying
1852
01:15:57,052 --> 01:15:59,816
we're no longer
in business together.
1853
01:15:59,922 --> 01:16:04,882
He just can't be counted on,
and it's killing me.
1854
01:16:04,993 --> 01:16:08,429
I'll tell you why
it really upset me.
1855
01:16:08,530 --> 01:16:10,862
Billy is one of the last links
1856
01:16:10,966 --> 01:16:15,960
that I can say,
"Do you remember?"
1857
01:16:16,071 --> 01:16:21,634
And I had to cut that off,
and I think that's-
1858
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,404
it's not the business.
1859
01:16:23,512 --> 01:16:24,809
That's where l-
1860
01:16:24,913 --> 01:16:28,974
I cannot tell you
I will never not miss Billy.
1861
01:16:29,084 --> 01:16:30,551
He was there
when Melissa was born.
1862
01:16:30,652 --> 01:16:35,089
He was there
for Edgar's funeral, you know?
1863
01:16:35,190 --> 01:16:36,179
He's a link.
1864
01:16:36,291 --> 01:16:38,384
I have no one to say,
1865
01:16:38,493 --> 01:16:41,792
"Do you remember when
Bernie Brillstein gave his party
1866
01:16:41,897 --> 01:16:44,559
and Edgar was the only one
that came in black tie?"
1867
01:16:44,666 --> 01:16:46,497
I know it sounds-
1868
01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:50,538
he was my last memory bank,
1869
01:16:50,639 --> 01:16:54,871
and I have no one-no one-
to say that to now.
1870
01:16:54,977 --> 01:16:58,674
And that is very difficult
for me.
1871
01:16:58,780 --> 01:17:01,681
[Pensive music]
1872
01:17:01,783 --> 01:17:07,346
[Music continues]
1873
01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:20,732
Tonight is the live finale
of Celebrity Apprentice,
1874
01:17:20,836 --> 01:17:24,670
and it is between me
and Annie Duke.
1875
01:17:26,575 --> 01:17:28,805
If I win, I'm back.
1876
01:17:28,910 --> 01:17:32,141
I'm back
in spite of being a woman,
1877
01:17:32,247 --> 01:17:34,374
in spite of being 75,
1878
01:17:34,483 --> 01:17:36,713
and in spite of being
blackballed from NBC.
1879
01:17:36,818 --> 01:17:39,286
I'm back, you bastards.
1880
01:17:39,388 --> 01:17:41,652
- And it's been a tremendous,
tremendous season.
1881
01:17:41,757 --> 01:17:43,691
Annie, do you know
what I'm going to say?
1882
01:17:43,792 --> 01:17:45,157
- No, I have no idea.
1883
01:17:45,260 --> 01:17:46,352
- I'm going to say, Annie...
1884
01:17:46,461 --> 01:17:49,191
you're fired.
1885
01:17:49,297 --> 01:17:53,393
[Cheers and applause]
1886
01:17:53,502 --> 01:17:55,129
- It's great.
This has been wonderful.
1887
01:17:55,237 --> 01:17:58,138
[All speaking indistinctly]
1888
01:17:58,240 --> 01:18:01,141
It's great.
It's terrific.
1889
01:18:01,243 --> 01:18:02,835
Ah.
1890
01:18:02,944 --> 01:18:04,741
Here we go.
1891
01:18:04,846 --> 01:18:06,837
But it's just
Celebrity Apprentice.
1892
01:18:06,948 --> 01:18:09,007
I mean, it's not
the Academy Awards,
1893
01:18:09,117 --> 01:18:10,846
but it was wonderful.
1894
01:18:10,952 --> 01:18:12,977
And I'm very happy I won.
1895
01:18:13,088 --> 01:18:14,055
- Congratulations.
1896
01:18:14,156 --> 01:18:15,054
- Thank you.
1897
01:18:15,157 --> 01:18:16,351
- Now, I've always said,
1898
01:18:16,458 --> 01:18:18,119
you can't get hit by lightning
1899
01:18:18,226 --> 01:18:20,353
if you're not standing
out in the rain.
1900
01:18:20,462 --> 01:18:23,727
Nobody can stand in the rain
longer than Joan Rivers.
1901
01:18:23,832 --> 01:18:24,856
She will stay there.
1902
01:18:24,966 --> 01:18:26,490
She's the last person standing.
1903
01:18:26,601 --> 01:18:28,296
She'll let it rain.
She'll let it rain.
1904
01:18:28,403 --> 01:18:30,928
She'll let it rain,
because she knows
1905
01:18:31,039 --> 01:18:33,507
lightning can hit, 'cause
it's hit her more than once.
1906
01:18:33,608 --> 01:18:36,236
But she knows you have to stay
out in the rain.
1907
01:18:36,344 --> 01:18:37,538
And she did.
1908
01:18:37,646 --> 01:18:38,635
- Line two.
1909
01:18:38,747 --> 01:18:40,339
- Line two.
Okay.
1910
01:18:40,449 --> 01:18:42,815
Hello, my sweetheart.
1911
01:18:42,918 --> 01:18:44,078
Yeah.
1912
01:18:44,186 --> 01:18:45,210
All right, so tell me.
1913
01:18:45,320 --> 01:18:47,618
Tell me yes or no;
just tell me fair.
1914
01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:48,917
Aah!
1915
01:18:49,024 --> 01:18:50,048
That's fabulous!
1916
01:18:50,158 --> 01:18:51,455
Are you-oh!
1917
01:18:51,560 --> 01:18:52,857
Jocelyn!
1918
01:18:52,961 --> 01:18:54,155
We were picked up!
1919
01:18:54,262 --> 01:18:55,229
- No way.
- Yeah, we got it.
1920
01:18:55,330 --> 01:18:56,729
- Awesome!
- All right, all right.
1921
01:18:56,832 --> 01:18:59,232
- You know what the real
pinnacle in a comedy career is?
1922
01:18:59,334 --> 01:19:00,494
It's not an Oscar.
1923
01:19:00,602 --> 01:19:02,593
It's not one thing.
1924
01:19:02,704 --> 01:19:04,865
It's the fact
that you're still doing it.
1925
01:19:04,973 --> 01:19:07,806
That's really what's
so rock star about her.
1926
01:19:07,909 --> 01:19:11,140
She's really the master
of sticking in there.
1927
01:19:11,246 --> 01:19:12,543
- Wait, wait.
1928
01:19:12,647 --> 01:19:14,239
Let's talk about what
this is gonna entail.
1929
01:19:14,349 --> 01:19:15,839
It's a photo shoot
for The New York Times?
1930
01:19:15,951 --> 01:19:17,543
- I could do it
Monday afternoon
1931
01:19:17,652 --> 01:19:18,619
if they want.
1932
01:19:18,720 --> 01:19:20,711
I'm still in town.
1933
01:19:20,822 --> 01:19:22,847
Right now, everything
is absolutely wonderful.
1934
01:19:22,958 --> 01:19:24,858
I am the golden girl.
1935
01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:27,087
But I have been here before,
and I know,
1936
01:19:27,195 --> 01:19:29,288
nothing is yours permanently,
1937
01:19:29,397 --> 01:19:32,992
and you'd better enjoy it
while it's happening.
1938
01:19:33,101 --> 01:19:35,831
- So... next week, Monday:
1939
01:19:35,937 --> 01:19:38,462
Regis and Kelly,
book signing, and QVC.
1940
01:19:38,573 --> 01:19:42,475
Tuesday. ; WOR, Rachael Ray,
Howard Stern, Cutting Room.
1941
01:19:42,577 --> 01:19:45,478
Wednesday. ; Florida,
breakfast lecture,
1942
01:19:45,580 --> 01:19:46,911
do an afternoon book signing,
1943
01:19:47,015 --> 01:19:49,279
back to Miami,
perform two shows.
1944
01:19:49,384 --> 01:19:50,976
Thursday. ; L.A.,
1945
01:19:51,086 --> 01:19:53,987
The Doctors, radio show,
red-eyeing home, QVC,
1946
01:19:54,089 --> 01:19:57,422
corporate booking,
then back to Cutting Room.
1947
01:20:06,701 --> 01:20:07,929
- Okay, I'm fine.
1948
01:20:08,036 --> 01:20:09,697
Is that locked?
1949
01:20:26,755 --> 01:20:28,484
Get him out of the picture.
1950
01:20:28,590 --> 01:20:29,579
[Laughter]
1951
01:20:29,691 --> 01:20:31,488
It's me alone.
1952
01:20:31,593 --> 01:20:34,562
It's an "artist alone" shot.
1953
01:20:34,663 --> 01:20:37,325
I'm grabbing you, Mohammed.
1954
01:20:37,432 --> 01:20:38,456
Thank you.
1955
01:20:41,736 --> 01:20:44,728
I am opening for Don Rickles,
and when they say opening,
1956
01:20:44,840 --> 01:20:45,829
what it is, is,
1957
01:20:45,941 --> 01:20:48,671
he and I split the money.
1958
01:20:48,777 --> 01:20:52,213
And years ago when we started,
I said "Well, I'll open,
1959
01:20:52,314 --> 01:20:53,906
'cause that means
I get out earlier,"
1960
01:20:54,015 --> 01:20:55,676
and he's still pissed
about it.
1961
01:20:55,784 --> 01:20:56,682
[Laughs]
1962
01:20:56,785 --> 01:21:00,186
The theater is wonderful here,
1963
01:21:00,288 --> 01:21:02,654
It's a Vegas-sized theater.
1964
01:21:02,757 --> 01:21:04,554
It's 1,800 or 2,000.
1965
01:21:04,659 --> 01:21:06,957
- No, it's 4,000.
Yeah.
1966
01:21:07,062 --> 01:21:08,654
It's a 4,000-person theater.
1967
01:21:08,763 --> 01:21:09,695
- I'm nervous.
1968
01:21:09,798 --> 01:21:11,459
[Laughter]
1969
01:21:11,566 --> 01:21:14,126
- But I go way back with Joan
when she was in Vegas
1970
01:21:14,236 --> 01:21:16,727
and she was
a struggling comedian.
1971
01:21:16,838 --> 01:21:18,135
And we got to know each other.
1972
01:21:18,240 --> 01:21:19,969
She's done an outstanding job
with her career.
1973
01:21:20,075 --> 01:21:20,973
I mean that.
1974
01:21:21,076 --> 01:21:23,010
She has outstanding timing,
1975
01:21:23,111 --> 01:21:25,011
and she takes her work
very seriously.
1976
01:21:25,113 --> 01:21:26,774
And if I didn't marry
my Barbara,
1977
01:21:26,882 --> 01:21:29,510
I would have married Joan,
and with that remark...
1978
01:21:29,618 --> 01:21:31,245
Aah, gaah.
1979
01:21:31,353 --> 01:21:32,342
God.
1980
01:21:32,454 --> 01:21:34,285
Oh, God.
I was kidding around!
1981
01:21:34,389 --> 01:21:35,913
Oh, God, why?
1982
01:21:36,024 --> 01:21:37,616
- Don Rickles is
in his late 80s,
1983
01:21:37,726 --> 01:21:40,820
and he is still hilarious.
1984
01:21:40,929 --> 01:21:42,191
He's like George Burns,
1985
01:21:42,297 --> 01:21:45,323
who was amazing
until he was in his late 90s,
1986
01:21:45,433 --> 01:21:46,593
and Phyllis Diller.
1987
01:21:46,701 --> 01:21:50,102
Until she was 92,
she just laid it down.
1988
01:21:50,205 --> 01:21:52,139
And I'd like to beat them all,
1989
01:21:52,240 --> 01:21:54,708
and I think I will.
1990
01:21:54,809 --> 01:21:56,606
That's what's so sick.
I think I will.
1991
01:21:56,711 --> 01:21:59,509
First wife is always
some poor, dumb bitch
1992
01:21:59,614 --> 01:22:01,514
who he married on the way up.
1993
01:22:01,616 --> 01:22:03,948
Second wife is always like,
"Hello,"
1994
01:22:04,052 --> 01:22:05,917
and he's an asshole
and marries her.
1995
01:22:06,021 --> 01:22:07,352
And the third wife, he's 96.
1996
01:22:07,455 --> 01:22:08,479
The balls are on the ground.
1997
01:22:08,590 --> 01:22:09,750
She's 11.
She's Chinese.
1998
01:22:09,858 --> 01:22:11,052
"I ruv you."
1999
01:22:11,159 --> 01:22:12,592
[Laughter]
2000
01:22:12,694 --> 01:22:13,752
Thank you.
2001
01:22:13,862 --> 01:22:15,352
It's been a pleasure.
2002
01:22:15,463 --> 01:22:18,455
[Cheers and applause]
2003
01:22:18,566 --> 01:22:21,467
[Rousing instrumental music]
2004
01:22:21,569 --> 01:22:28,566
[Music continues]
2005
01:22:28,677 --> 01:22:31,407
This is where I belong.
2006
01:22:31,513 --> 01:22:38,419
Only time I'm truly, truly
happy is when I am on a stage.
2007
01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:40,545
- Why can't you do
a good job once?
2008
01:22:40,655 --> 01:22:42,020
It's embarrassing.
2009
01:22:42,123 --> 01:22:43,590
I keep saying,
"She's wonderful,"
2010
01:22:43,692 --> 01:22:46,092
and you always fail me.
2011
01:22:46,194 --> 01:22:48,162
- I am a performer.
2012
01:22:48,263 --> 01:22:49,992
That is my life.
2013
01:22:50,098 --> 01:22:52,760
That is what I am.
2014
01:22:52,867 --> 01:22:55,165
That's it.
2015
01:22:55,270 --> 01:23:03,268
[Music continues]
2016
01:23:06,748 --> 01:23:09,649
[upbeat music]
2017
01:23:09,751 --> 01:23:17,749
[Music continues]
2018
01:23:22,931 --> 01:23:24,990
- I do hate children,
and that's the truth.
2019
01:23:25,100 --> 01:23:26,897
Oh, God, so Halloween, and they,
2020
01:23:27,002 --> 01:23:28,833
"Oh, lady,
we don't like apples."
2021
01:23:28,937 --> 01:23:30,598
"Then just eat
the razor blades."
2022
01:23:30,705 --> 01:23:34,163
It is so...
2023
01:23:34,275 --> 01:23:35,708
- Joan, love you,
love you, love you.
2024
01:23:35,810 --> 01:23:36,708
- I love you, love you back.
2025
01:23:36,811 --> 01:23:37,835
Who do I make this to?
2026
01:23:37,946 --> 01:23:39,277
- Lucy.
2027
01:23:39,381 --> 01:23:40,905
- I can spell-
- I have all your jewelry.
2028
01:23:41,016 --> 01:23:43,143
Love you.
2029
01:23:43,251 --> 01:23:45,719
I love everything
you've done for women.
2030
01:23:45,820 --> 01:23:48,152
Love all your humor,
all your grace.
2031
01:23:48,256 --> 01:23:49,280
- Oh, thank you.
2032
01:23:49,391 --> 01:23:50,881
- You're the best.
- Oh, Lucy.
2033
01:23:50,992 --> 01:23:52,016
- Love you.
2034
01:23:52,127 --> 01:23:54,459
- Lucy, I love you back.
2035
01:23:57,832 --> 01:24:00,198
Surprise!
2036
01:24:00,301 --> 01:24:02,269
So bored that they're
taking torture away
2037
01:24:02,370 --> 01:24:03,667
in the United States.
2038
01:24:03,772 --> 01:24:04,864
Oh, it was-
2039
01:24:04,973 --> 01:24:07,271
Oh, like-like-
oh, like torture is bad.
2040
01:24:07,375 --> 01:24:09,070
"Oh, waterboarding,
waterboarding."
2041
01:24:09,177 --> 01:24:10,405
Oh, big fucking deal.
2042
01:24:10,512 --> 01:24:12,639
Try getting a bikini wax
one time.
2043
01:24:12,747 --> 01:24:15,011
Get a Brazilian wax.
2044
01:24:15,116 --> 01:24:20,179
You'll give up secrets
you never knew you had.
2045
01:24:20,288 --> 01:24:22,916
[Screams]
2046
01:24:23,024 --> 01:24:25,720
[Screams]
2047
01:24:25,827 --> 01:24:28,455
They're doing a documentary
of my life.
2048
01:24:28,563 --> 01:24:30,360
- And you said earlier
that they're just waiting
2049
01:24:30,465 --> 01:24:31,432
for the moment, right?
2050
01:24:31,533 --> 01:24:32,659
- They are praying
that I'll die
2051
01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:33,665
during this-this film.
2052
01:24:33,768 --> 01:24:35,133
Wouldn't that be great?
2053
01:24:35,236 --> 01:24:36,498
Wouldn't that be amazing?
2054
01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:38,970
They got the last year
of Joan Rivers.
2055
01:24:39,074 --> 01:24:40,974
It would give them such a hook.
2056
01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:42,839
- People would watch.
- People would watch.
2057
01:24:42,944 --> 01:24:44,104
- That's sick.
2058
01:24:44,212 --> 01:24:45,611
- I know, but wouldn't it-
but still,
2059
01:24:45,713 --> 01:24:46,680
sick but very commercial.
2060
01:24:46,781 --> 01:24:47,679
- You'd watch.
2061
01:24:47,782 --> 01:24:48,840
- I'd watch.
2062
01:24:48,950 --> 01:24:49,974
Wouldn't you?
140220
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