All language subtitles for Spy Hard (1996) 1080p web.en

We're approaching insertion target area,
about a mile from your D.Z.

You ready, WD-40?

I never felt more ready
in my life.

Oh, damn! What the hell--
Steele, are you crazy?

Good afternoon, WD-40.

We now begin "the free world's in
double jeopardy" round of your mission.

- He's a sadistic criminal mastermind...

and international arms dealer
who has brokered a deal...

to sell a stolen Scorpion missile
to a Middle Eastern terrorist cell.

The question is.
Who is Rancor?

That's right.
General Derwood Rancor.

So why don't you begin your mission.
And good luck to you, WD-40.

And don't forget, WD-40,
as always,

this tape will self-destruct
in three seconds.

Steele!

General Rancor,
your chopper's waiting.

Fine. Be there in a minute.
I ain't done with this one yet.

Talk to me, boy!

He doesn't want to talk.
Take him outside and shoot him.

And when you shoot him,
use the silencer.

Thank you.
Have a nice flight.

Have a great flight.

- Enjoy destroying the world, sir.
- Thank you, ma'am, I will.

I'm going in there.

My God!
Look at you.

- You are such an incredible man.

It's my job, darling.
I do it for my country.

Hmm? Oh. Good luck.

Luck's got nothing to do with it.

Nothing can stop me now!

Not even that sanctimonious
secret agent Boy Scout Dick--

Y oo-hoo!

Steele?

- Oh, Dick, don't drop me!
- Hold on! Whoa! Don't!

- Grab my wrist!
- Oh!

Whoa!

- Don't drop me, Dick! Don't drop me!

- Honey?

A man of intrigue
He lives for the thrill

Always has places to go
and people to kill

Danger is the game he plays

And he holds every card

'Cause if you wanna win

You gotta spy hard

A man of the world
so suave and discreet

He trips over the women
piled up at his feet

But evil's lurking

So he's always on his guard

'Cause if you're gonna spy

You better spy hard

He's always there

When the chips
are beginning to fall

He wouldn't care

If they kicked him
and grabbed him

And shot him
and stabbed him

And nailed both his ears
to the wall

Facing death every day

Is a tough job for any man

But his hours are flexible

And he's got
a great dental plan

By the way
if you walked in late

Allow me to reiterate

The name of this movie

Is Spy Hard

They call it Spy Hard

You're watching Spy Hard

It's the theme from Spy Hard

Sir, I hate to disturb you, but we're picking
up something interesting on the compound...

- infrared detection system.
- Well, what is it?

Oh, it's this really neat
security system, sir.

- It picks up the body heat on the
intruders-- - Fine! What is it detecting?

Oh, well, it looks like
Agent Barbara Dahl, sir.

Barbara Dahl?

Hot damn!
At last!

Arm me.

Y eah.
Now, bring me the bait.

Welcome, Miss Dahl.

General Rancor would like to see you.
Don't even think about it!

Put the gun down!

Move.
Don't try anything funny.

Oh, you morons!

Let go!
Oh! Oh!

- Well, look at you.

Barbara Dahl.

If you ain't the spitting image
of your mama.

Don't you talk about my mother,
you hybrid curiosity.

My mother was twice the man you are.

Hey, lady,
I think you're carrying...

this "spitting image" thing
a little bit too far.

Now that I got Barbara Dahl,

it's just a matter of time
before Dick Steele comes to get her.

Have you confirmed
this transmission?

I have. It's confirmed.
It's Barbara Dahl.

Who authorized Agent Barbara Dahl
to go on this operation anyway?

No one.
She's working on her own.

This one is personal, Coleman.

Well, this personal mission may have
cost a good agent her life...

and put the entire free world
in jeopardy.

- We must inform the director.

This is the director.
What is it, Coleman and Bishop?

Sir, we've intercepted a very disturbing
satellite transmission...

from our listening post
on the Rock of Gibraltar.

- Well, what is it?
- It's this really big rock...

sticking out of the water
on the south coast of Spain.

What is the transmission?

You will have to see it
to believe it, sir.

- You've got to put it on channel three.
- No, four.

- Switch it to VHS.
- And take it off of cable.

Put it on the monitor.

And now this
special message from Rancor Industries.

She makes a pretty hood ornament,
don't you think?

- Rancor!
- Y es, it is I, good ol' General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life
and twice as ugly.

- But Steele blew him up!
- Apparently not.

You did everything
except eat me,

and I'm still alive.

All Steele did was blow off
a couple of arms.

That's no biggie,
no big thing.

Now I got plenty of arms!

Big arms. Pretty arms. something.

Your pretty little agent
is now part...

of the nose cone
on top of my missile.

This missile will be launched
in 36 hours...

- and nothing will stop me!
- He's a madman!

Only thing is,
I'm missing one little chip...

that controls my satellite,
and, daggone, I want it back!

Now you hand me my chip,
and I'll give you back your agent.

Good God.
He must be stopped!

Dick Steele couldn't
stop me 15 years ago,

and all the dicks you've got
won't stop me now!

Apparently,
he hasn't seen the size...

of some of our newer members!

- With the chip, he rules the world.

- Without the chip,
he destroys the world and--

- Would you practice someplace else?
I'm trying to think!

- The world? Ha!

We all know what
General Rancor really wants.

- Steele. - That's right!

- And we're going to give Steele to him.
- Steele?

Have you forgotten what happened the last
time Steele was placed in the line of fire?

We are stopping here. Traveller wants
to mingle with the crowd.

- Oh! Oh, my God!
- Steele, what the hell are you doing? Get off me!

- Get him in there!
Get him in the limo! Cover him!

Go, go, go! Go! Go, go!

The bridge is out.

Do not enter.
The bridge is out.

The bridge is out,
damn it! Stop this car!

- Stay away from the window, sir.

Steele, do something!

Good job, Steele!
Thanks!

- It's about time
that jerk did something right.

- Hang on, Mr. President!

The bridge is out. Do not enter.

Thank God our president
was one hell of a good swimmer.

Nonetheless... there's only
one man for this operation.

Agent WD-40.
Steele.

Dick Steele.

Dick, Dick, Dick Steele.

Dick.

Oh, Dick, that was incredible.

- Thank you.

Don't thank me, darling.

The art of lovemaking takes two.

Sometimes three or four, depending on
how well you do at the crap tables.

- Fore!
- Well, my putter's up.

- Fore!
- Well, my putter's up.

Oh, Dick, I'm exhausted.

- You are insatiable.
- Fifteen minutes to tee- off time.

I think there's something you and I
should talk about openly and honestly...

before I head off
to my golf game.

- What is it, Dick?
- It's a game.

People dress funny.
Hit a little ball with clubs.

Drinking is involved.

Is something wrong, Dick?

Whatever we've had between us,

I think it's only fair that you know
my heart still belongs...

to the girl I fell
in love with years ago.

Victoria.
She fell off a cliff.

- She died.
- Yes, I know.

I was just getting to that.

But after Victoria Dahl,
well, I don't think...

I'll ever find room
for another woman in this...

ripped-apart, torn-up,
scarred, burned-out...

Iump in my chest...

where a human heart once beat.

I hope you understand
what I'm trying to say to you.

Oh, I'll live, Mr. Steele.

It's your life
I'm worried about.

I'm glad you understand.

- I know how much these things can hurt.

Mr. Steele.

[ Woman ] Hi, Dick.

- Hi, Mr. Steele!
- Good morning, Mrs. Hudmucker.

Fore!
- Watch out.

- You all right?
- Thank you.

A little help, please? Thank you.

Dinatelli foursome
to starter's window. Mr. Jack Dinatelli.

- Duck!

- Dick, wait!

Well, Steve!

- Steve Bishop. You look great.
- Thank you. We go back a long way, huh?

Yeah.

- Let's have a drink.
- Okay.

Just sit right there, Steve.

- The usual, Mr. Steele?
- You betcha.

- Well, how's everything at the agency?
- Ah, Dick...

it used to be such fun
killin' a few spies...

with gas from a banana grenade.

But now, huh, it's all
bureaucratic politics.

You gotta fill out 20 forms
in triplicate...

just to take a piss!

- Boy, that was fun.

- Y eah.
- Thank you!

Oh, man, they don't do stuff
like that at the agency any more.

I'm sorry to hear that, Steve.

- Uh, Dickie... there is something.
- Relax, sugar.

Steve, I'm out of the Service.

There's a plot
to launch a satellite.

- Now, I'm out of the Service.
Talk about something else.

- Bishop.
- Bishop here.

- Got a new lead. Gonna need you here.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

- And get a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk.
- Okay.

- I'll leave right away.
- Thank you, sir.

- No more headsets.

Ear buttons. They put the receiver
right in your head now.

- I gotta get back to the hotel.

- The director wants you to see this.
- I'm not interested, Steve.

Please, Dickie.
Take a look at the tape.

Please, Dickie.
Take a look at the tape.

It'll change your mind.

Hmm-hmm.

She makes a pretty hood ornament,
don't you think?

[ Chuckles ] Yes, it is I,
good ol' General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life
and twice as ugly.

- All Steele did was blow off a couple of arms.
- Rancor!

- That's no biggie, no big thing. Now I got plenty of arms.
- He can't be alive.

- Your pretty Barbara Dahl--
- My God!

Barbara Dahl.

Victoria... why would your daughter
join the agency...

knowing what happened to you?

Why?

Why?

Why, why, why, why?

Victoria Dahl...
you were the only woman I ever loved.

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

And just like the guy
whose feet are too big for his bed

- Nothin' seems to fit

Those raindrops are fallin' on my head
They keep fallin'

So I just did me
some talkin' to the sun

And I said I didn't like
the way he got things done

Sleepin' on the job

- Those raindrops are fallin'
on my head

They keep fallin'
But there's one thing

I know

The blues they sent to meet me

Won't defeat me

It won't be long 'til happiness

Steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turnin' red

For today's top story,
we now join Kelly Lange live downtown.

Kelly Lange here
for Channel 3 lsland News.

A tragic accident has claimed the life of
a businessman identified as Steven Bishop,

when a huge grand piano fell from
the 17th floor of the Mayan Hotel...

when a huge grand piano fell from
the 17th floor of the Mayan Hotel...

directly behind me
and landed on his car.

- An accident?
- It seems the man was--

- Having a kid at 60, that's an accident.

Having a piano fall on you,
that's... bad luck.

We're told that they had to remove the
driver's body from the oil pan of the car.

- Police are ruling this as an accident.
- Operator.

Operator, get me Washington.

- George?
- D.C.

I'll take care of
the luggage, just some overnight things.

- Bonjour, monsieur.
- ...no parking.

Do not leave
your baggage unattended.

It looks like
you could use a hand.

I'm afraid I'm pretty clumsy.

- You must be headed to Los Angeles.
- How do you know that?

- It's written on your ticket.
- Oh! Thank you.

You are welcome.

Have a nice flight,
and I wish you adieu.

Oh, thank you, but I'm quite satisfied
with the 'do I have.

If you want to see me again,
turn around now.

Aha.

[ Flight Attendant ]
It's right here on the aisle.

[ Man ] No, no, no.
I asked for a window seat.

I can't be getting up and down just because
somebody wants to be getting in and out.

- I have too much to do. I always have a window seat.
- Excuse me, sir.

- I was wondering, do you mind?
- No problem. Please, be my guest.

- Actually, I prefer an aisle seat.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Be my guest. Here.
- Here, let me help you with these.

I hope that this will be the last
of the conversations on this trip.

Your ticket.

Take it easy
with that luggage!

Excuse me, sir. Could you put your
tray table up for takeoff, please?

No, the tray table stays down, please.
Thank you very much.

You've made things
inconvenient enough as it is.

- What-- What is this?

Is this yours?
Do you mind?

- It's my briefcase.
Let me make more room for you.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Please.

Thank you.

Do you always take matters
into your own hands?

Things often end up
in my hands.

And I bet your hands
end up in a lot of things.

Let's just say,
my hands and things...

are often in the same place
at the same time.

Could I get you
something to drink?

We'll have dry Minoli and Russos,
on the rocks,

stirred, not beaten,
twist of lemon,

in chilled glasses,
not frozen.

And two of those
curly little straws.

Thirty hours, 11 minutes and 10 seconds.

Thirty hours, 11 minutes
and 8 seconds.

Thirty hours, 11 minutes
and 5 seconds.

[ Director Over Intercom ] Miss Cheevus,
when Agent Steele arrives, send him right in.

Mm-hmm.

- Miss Cheevus, is the director available?
- No, he's married.

- Oh, you kidder.

Miss Cheevus, you wouldn't be trying
to make things hard for me?

Oh, Dick, if only I could.

But you know you and I would work
so well together deep undercover.

You know the agency's rules
about secrecy. They're very... rigid.

- Yes, and we wouldn't want
to blow it, would we?

Why don't you two just get a motel room?

I need you in here now, Steele!

Miss Cheevus, wasn't the director
in the office here?

[ Miss Cheevus Over Intercom ] He just buzzed me from in there, my little pumpy
- whumpy.

I'll just sit down
and wait for him.

Great Scott!
Steele, see a doctor!

Good show, Steele.

I hid for two weeks from
my ex-wife's attorney in this outfit.

It's good to see you, WD-40.

You're always
my most noble warrior.

- Glad to find you, sir.
- Yes, yes, well,

we have to find someone else
far more important now.

- You saw the tape with Rancor?
- I can't believe he's alive.

He's a madman.
He wants the world.

But I'll be perfectly frank, Dick.
He wants you first.

He knew I'd send you the tape,
especially with Barbara Dahl on it.

Barbara Dahl.

Looks just like Victoria
when she was alive.

We don't have time
for flashbacks.

Rancor wants the world.
Fortunately, he wants to kill you first.

That may give us needed time. Barbara Dahl's
last transmission was from Los Angeles.

We couldn't hold the trace
long enough to pinpoint her.

Find her, you find him,
you find the rocket.

For the rest of it,
your guess is as good as mine.

- Miss Cheevus, tell Noggin we're coming.

- Hello, Noggin.
- Steele.

Good to see you again. Do you have
a refill of that deathray laser watch?

- Ah, a new air freshener?
- Careful!

- Ah, a new air freshener?
- Careful!

Whoo-hoo
Oooh

Not again. Oh!

Give me!

Well, this looks like
a clever contraption.

A mini--
A mini mobile crime lab?

- It's a briefcase.
- I know. What does it do?

It holds important papers,
files, pens and a calculator.

I understand. But these numbers here,
are they in a certain sequence?

The briefcase
is timed to explode?

No, it's a lock so people other
than myself can't open my briefcase.

Very complex
contemporary technology.

All right, Steele, this is your standard,
state-of-the- art field kit with three additions.

This is our latest development:
microchip Z-ray lenses,

capable of penetrating
a layer of clothing.

You'll be able to see if
an enemy is carrying a weapon.

Oh. Director?

Oh, now, Steele...
should you find your hands bound,

what you can do is just reach down
and pull this pin with your teeth.

Put the tube in your mouth, and squeeze
and it will emit a laser beam...

powerful enough to cut steel.

Fire in the hole, Director.

- Huh? Oh.
- Thank you.

Oh, and one more thing.

This micro-detonator
has a built- in timer...

set to explode 30 seconds
after you plant it.

It has enough power
to blow up a two-story building,

- so be careful.
- Fantastic.

All right.
Well, here we go and, uh--

- Oh, the glasses.
- Yeah. Thank you.

Good to see you again, Noggin.

Bienvenidos a Los Angeles.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

Ciudad de los angeles.

City of the angels.

?Dуnde esta Maria?

Where is Maria?

Maria esta en la biblioteca.

Maria is in the library.

- Do you have a lighter?
- I use matches.

Does your mother know you smoke?

Does your mother know you smoke?

Y es, but I don't inhale.

- Kabul.
- Uh...

I'm Kabul.
Agent WD-40?

Get in, get in.

In the car.

Hello. Excuse me. Ha!

Our operatives believe
you may already be in grave danger.

Please take a look at this,
Mr. Steele.

In that file is a photo
of Desiree More.

She's an expert trained in karate, kung
fu and is a crack shot. Be on your guard.

Rancor may have sent her
to take you out.

She likes easy-listening
and guys who share their feelings.

Her measurements: 36-24-36-22.

Aye, and for God sakes,
be careful, WD-40.

One time I got two cousins that got
salmonella poisoning in this hotel.

Ah, sure looked like her.

But you can't be too sure.

Y eah, almost positive.

Mm-hmm.

Drink?

- Only when I'm thirsty.
- Tap water okay?

Poured, not decantered.

Sometimes you see a woman you'd...

just love to have kill ya.

But timing is everything,
so that was not going to be today.

Says who?

She's pretty smart.
I decided to play it casual.

Casual is overrated.

Oops.

I think the game is over,
Mr. Steele.

You're gonna look like Swiss cheese
when they find you.

Oh. That's no Gouda.

"Coca Cabana."

- I'll be back for you.
- Where are you going?

In my country we have a saying:

"A man who rides a camel is rich,

but a man who drives a Ferrari
can get lucky.

- Oh, gee, I am so sorry.

- What's your phone number?
- Loser.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, like, look at what you've done.

End of the line, pal.

Uh...

Hey, goombah!

Huh?

Well, well, if it isn't Agent Steele.

Excuse me.
Uh, do you have a light?

Y eah, sure.
I got a light.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Very good.

Well, remind me never
to light your cigarette.

You don't lose guys
like that for long.

Let's get the bus.
We'll be safe there.

- Transfer? Uh, no, thank you.

Mmm, nice dress.

Next stop:

Sunset Boulevard.

I guess it's Sunset Boulevard.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Someone on the bus
without a transfer.

He won't pay the fare.
What do you do? What do you do?

Stop the bus
and let him off?

Negatory, honcho,
because he cut the brake line.

Excusez-moi, monsieur.

That was nice. Nicely done.

That was nice. Nicely done.

Thank you. Thank you.

Next stop: Melrose. I think.

Well, you must be "fameeshed."
Let's mangez.

That sounds good,
but I'm hungry.

Let's eat first.

- Here you go.
You both enjoy yourselves.

- Brian will be right here
to take your drink order.

We shared an airplane, a drink.

We've been chased,
bussed, seated, but...

I still don't really know you.

I'm Bud Fudlacker.
I have a small mail- order business.

I travel with
the American Gladiators,

I'm 55, I like small appliances...

and I do tax accounting
on the side.

Let me guess.
You are Dick Steele,

Agent WD-40
with the Secret Service.

You are 52,
you like big screen TVs...

and you want to stop
General Rancor.

That could describe
a thousand guys.

Tell me about you.

I like loose-fitting clothes,
and I drive a '69 Pinto.

[ Chuckles ] Hi, I'm Brian.
May I take your drink orders, please?

- I'll have--
- A dry Minoli and Russo on the rocks.

Stirred, not beaten.

With a twist.
In a chilled glass, not frozen.

With two of those
curly little straws.

Be right back.

Tell me, who are you?

Why don't you use your...

Iegendary skills, and guess?

You carry a UB-21 Schnauzer
with a Gnab silencer. That's K.G.B.

You prefer an H&K over an A.K.
Your surveillance technique is N.S.A.

Your I.D. is C.I.A.
You received your Ph.D. at NYU.

Traded in your G.T.O. for a B.M.W.
You listen to CDs by R.E.M. and S.T.P.

And you'd like to see J.F.K.
in his B.V.D.s, getting down with O.P.P.

And you probably put the toilet paper back
on the roll with the paper on the inside.

Hmm.

Here's to your remarkable
powers of observation, Mr. Steele.

I am Agent 3.14,
Veronique Ukrinsky.

My father is the professor.

Oh, yes, I know.
The megachip.

When he found out he was making the chip
for Rancor, and not for the U.S.,

he escaped with it,
and he is in hiding.

In hiding?
Where?

He would not take the chance
in telling me where he was headed,

but he said,
"The pendant--

Follow the path
of your pendant to find me."

Hmm... haven't seen
too many like these.

- Pendant.
- Pendant.

- Pendant.
- Pendant.

- Pendant.
- We don't have much time, WD-40.

Sooner or later,
Rancor will find him.

- I'll order our food to go.
- Oh, Dick, I am so worried about my father.

What shall we do, huh?
What shall we do?

It was a teenage wedding
and the old folks wished them well

You could see that Pierre
did truly love the mademoiselle

And now the young monsieur
and madame have rung the chapel bell

"C'est la vie"
said the old folks

It goes to show
you never can tell

Excuse me. Do you have reser.

- Steele's here somewhere.

Rancor wants him dead.
Find him.

- Dance time is over.
Cigarettes? Cigars?

- There he goes. Kill him!
- Throwing knife?

Cigarettes? Cigars?
Throwing knife?

Thanks.

Cigarettes?
Cigars?

- Whoops.

Why?

Quick. Get this
up against the door.

I got an idea.

This is a picture
of my father.

If we get separated,
find him, save him.

Why?

- Go! Go, go, go!

- Oh, shut up!
- Ow! I came here to dance!

- Ow! Dick, help me!

- I'll kill you!

- Get in this--
- No, let me go!

- Okay, let's go!
- Dick, help me!

Follow the path
of your pendant to find me."

- What is that?
- It's her pendant.

"Follow the path
of the pendant to find me."

Have you ever seen
anything like that?

- Ah!
- What? What?

No.

Any idea where it came from?

- Museum of Natural History.
- How do you know that?

It says it really small
right there at the bottom.

All right. Take me
to the Museum of Natural History.

- You know, in my country we do
have a saying-- - I'm sure you do.

- You know, in my country we do
have a saying-- - I'm sure you do.

The saying goes: "The museum is closed at
5::00. You go the next morning at 9::00."

Excuse me, Mr. Pushy!

Son of a bitch.

I'm getting sick and tired
of your--

Mm-hmm.

No, he'd never fit in there.

Ah. Sir-

I'm sick and tired
of these games.

This is stupid. Stupid. We're
a government agency, for God sakes.

Huh?

Aha!

Good God!
You're sicker than I thought!

What is it, Coleman?
I'm busy!

- I, uh, can see that.
- You wouldn't understand.

It's the ancient art
of origatsi.

What I don't understand is your insistence
in keeping Steele on this assignment!

He still is
no closer to Rancor,

and we have who knows how little time
left before Rancor launches this satellite.

You better let me take over
this search before I--

Before you what, Coleman?

I don't know whose monkey
you spanked to get this job,

but as far as I'm concerned,
you're a disgrace to the Service.

How dare you!

You and your one-for-all-and-all-for-one
bleeding heart nonsense!

You're too old
to run this agency!

And since you won't step down,

you'll, uh, be stepped on!

- Ha! Loser!

- What you got?
- Is there a jewelery district in Los Angeles?

Come on, this is Hollywood. We have jewelery.
We have women who are willing to sleep--

- More important, is there a Russian jewelery section?
- Da.

- Where?
- I don't know.

There used to be a bunch of Russian
jewelers hung out at the warehouse at, uh...

at 31st and Phlegm.

- Ah, damn it!

Meet me back at the hotel.
We'll split up.

- After you.
- Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Get off!

Whoa! Whoa! Wh-Whoa!

Watch it! Watch it!

- Whoa.

- Cheerio.

You're mine, Steele!

- Whoa!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Huh?

Okay, bring it up!
Bring it up! Up, up, up!

Okay, that's where
the sign goes!

Ah, 31st and Phlegm.

I'm on the waiting list
for a co-op.

You better get outta here.
I'll see you back in half an hour.

Oh, half hour?
I can drop off my dog at the groomer.

- Wha--
- Mr. Steele, I presume?

- Professor--
- Ukrinsky. With a "Y.'"

Ah. Right.

The pendant.

And I suppose...

this is what you need.

- And this is?
- This is the controller chip for Rancor's satellite.

Ah, Rancor finally
made his megachip.

Who'd have thought the fate
of so many human lives...

would rely on something so small?

Well, there's only one thing
to do with this.

No! No! What are you doing?

- Trying to make the world safe from tyranny.
- You mustn't do that!

This can also be used
for world peace!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'd better let me get that into
the proper hands and get you to safety.

- You found me through my daughter, the pendant.
- Right.

- Veronique is safe?
- Yeah, the van they took her in has dual air bags and seat belts.

- Kabul.
- Nice new wheels, huh?

Yeah, quite an improvement.
In the back, Professor.

We have to find a safe place
for the professor.

In my country,
we have saying:

"The rabbit hops, the spider crawls,
but the camel spits".

Let's see
if this Charger can run.

Now I don't want you
to be surprised.

This guy's one of our top agents.
He's most capable.

- McCluckey!
- Kabul!

- Come on in.
- All right. Come on.

McCluckey, we need
to hide the professor.

- Professor Ukrinsky, it's an honor.
- How do you do?

I've read all your work and your
last paper on laboratory loneliness.

- Superb!
- Well, thank you.

- McCluckey, I'd like you to
meet Agent-- - Dick Steele.

Agent WD-40.
Good to see you back in action.

Your video on deception,
Is It A Woman? Is The Moustache Real?

Beautiful work!

- Thank you.
- McCluckey, we need to hide this guy.

Sure, sure. Come this way.
He'll be safe here.

Do you have a telephone?

Right over there.

- Is it clean?
- I have a woman that comes in once a week.

- Sir?
- What?

I have Dick "Luscious Lips"
Steele on the line.

Put him through.

Director, is it safe?

Safe? Just
a minute. I'll use the cloaking device.

Go ahead, Dick.
It's safe.

I have the chip
Rancor needs to launch his satellite.

Good, Dick, good. Are you coming in?

No, Rancor kidnapped
the professor's daughter.

I've got to find her.

- Yes, well... good, Dick.

Good luck.
Call me if I can help.

- Nineteen hours and 35 minutes.
- That Steele's gonna be sorry...

his mama ever met his papa.

- We gonna heat up the fire! Boys!

They always seem to know
every move we make.

It's inside.
It's got to be somebody inside leaking.

Well, I'm not leaking.
I can prove it.

- You go ahead, ask me something.
- What?

Ask me something.
Ask me who's the director of our agency.

- Who is the director of our agency?
- I don't know.

You see, I know who it is, you see?

But I'm not going to tell you,
you see, because I am no leak.

This place has got to be
a front for Rancor and his men.

- There's one of them now. Follow him.

Do you have
to keep revving the engine?

Ah, but it's an American V-8.
It's such a beautiful sound.

- Oh, Steele, listen to this.

- My cousin's a recording star.

- Duck! Ow!

- Did he see us?
- Shh. Okay.

- I'm going in there.
- Okay.

- Give me cover.
- I got to buy my lottery ticket.

- Rancor's guy is here.
- Right.

That saved a wretch

Like me

I once was lost

But now am found

Was blind--

- What are you doing here?
- I am... the new choirmaster.

- Where did you come from?
- The humble room. I was doing refractories.

- "Refractories"?
- A new popal revelate.

Uh, John, chapter 7, verse 2.

"Popal"?

Uh, sisters.
Michael, chapter 7, verse 2.

"Sing as ye play.

Yea, unto thee
a voice like a blenth."

And as you approach
the allo tropo, please,

tres mucho picante abierto.

- You know you make me want to shout

Kick my heels up and shout
Throw my hands up and shout

Throw my head back and shout
Come on now

Don't forget
to say you will

- Are you gentlemen with Rancor?

- Steele's here somewhere.

- Sing it right now baby
- Well, find him!

- Say you will
- Come on, come on

- Say you will
- Say that you will

Say that you love me

Say that you need me
Say that you want me

- You want to please me
- Come on now

Come on now
Come on now

I still remember when
I used to be nine years old

- Hey, yeah and I was a fool for you
- All right, random inspection.

- From the bottom of my soul
- Directive 21, Psalm 2.

Yeah, yeah
I want you to know

- I said I want you
to know right now Ew!

You been good to me sisters

Much better than I've been to myself

So good, so good

And if you ever leave me
I don't want nobody else

Hey, hey
I said I want you to know

I said I want you
to know right now

- Veronique?

- Dick.
- You all right?

- Get out of here. This is a front for Rancor.
- Yes, I know.

I'll-- I'll get out of here, all right.
But you're coming with me.

Stat! Code Yellow!
Code Yellow!

- Get me three CCs of epinephrinox!
- Right away.

- Get me two liters of gasohol mixed with neonephicine!
- On my way.

- Get the electrostatifyer, now!
- I'll warm up the generator, sister.

She's about to go
into fibrolcanination!

- Prepare the operating room!
Yes, sister. I'll get right on it.

For God's sake, can anyone
in this hospital help me?

- Say it right now, baby

- Come on, come on.

- Say that you will.

- Now wait a minute

Oh. Mm-mm. No.

You know you make me
want to shout

High blood pressure.

Here. You'll be safe here.
I'll be right back.

- Okay, the coast is clear.

Oh, Dick, it's so cold.

What have they done to you?
They'll pay for this.

Oh, Dick...

Move 'em, fat heads!

Sisters, make 'em holy!

Oh, Dick, you came for me.

Tell me, what's been happening?

Well, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching,
getting in touch with my inner child.

I have decided I love you.

But what about my father?

Well, I like him.
I just have to get to know him better.

No, is he okay?
Have you got his chip?

Oh, no, he's fine,
and I've got the chip.

- Oh, I love you too.

- Look out, you crazy nun!

Thanks, guys, I stopped you.
You could have been killed!

Quick, let me help.

You smell nice.

Where is my father?

Is he safe?

He's safe, Veronique.
Safe as you and me.

So cute.

- Oh! Oh!

- Safer.

In my country, when an irate,
armless, psychotic weirdo...

chase your woman,
you must hide her.

Upstairs.
Apartment 5B.

I'll wait downstairs.
I'll keep my eyes open.

I just put in new carpet.
Take your shoes off.

Oh, Dick... it is so nice to know...

that everything
is going to be all right.

You have the chip.

My father is safe.

You love me, Dick.

Love?

Let me tell you
about love, Veronique.

Love is a dew drop
on a rose petal.

- Love is a drop of rain,

pure and shimmering
and trembling.

So moist, so wet.

- And those tiny little drops of love,

they come together,

gathering up broken buds
and fallen flowers...

and dirt and dung...

- and deer droppings,

flowing faster and faster,
outward to the sea.

- Onward and onward -

Good night.

We'll talk more
in the morning.

- Hey, hotshots.

- Come and get me. - Why, you
little, no- good juvenile delinquent!

- Go on! Get him!
- Come on!

- Cool. Heads up!

- Nice shot. I'm going.
- Go on! Go on!

- We got you now!

Where's the professor?

With Gilligan, dickweed.

- No!
- This is for Getting Even With Dad!

- And this is for My Girl.
- And this is for My Girl 2.

I wasn't even in My Girl 2.

- We don't care!
- We don't care!

Last time I'm gonna ask you,
smart boy.

- Where's the professor?
- Okay, okay, down the hall to the right.

Okay, the left!

Help! Somebody help me!

They're taking us to Kikiree lsland!

- They've taken him to Rancor!
- They won't kill him... not until he's installed the chip.

- Wha-- - Probably not even then.
Maybe just torture him a little.

- We'll talk about this on the way.
Let's get to Kikiree.

You like this disguise?

It's very good.

I'm proud of this one.

Like this,
I can look like anybody.

- Rancor Industries
owns this little island.

- Rancor Industries
owns this little island.

The natives say there are stranger goings-on
here than at Neverland Valley Ranch.

- Look.
- Uh-huh. It's nice.

- Kabul, stay in the boat.
- Why?

There's a saying
in my country:

"When you hear the words, 'Stay in
the boat', you stay in the boat."

- Bye-bye.

Dick, this is crazy.

Crazy? Some people think walking down
the street muttering to yourself is crazy.

I'll tell you
what crazy is.

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,

saying, "I'm a hamster.'"

"I'm a hamster.'"
That's crazy.

- Ooh.

My life's work
is now complete.

Your cooperation
is commendable, Professor.

Thank you.

Throw him in the cell.

- But you said it was
for the world peace! Yeah, yeah.

Hello, General. It's Skippy.
They're on the island.

Yeah.

Well, well, well,
what perfect timing.

- It seems we're gonna have more guests.

- Steele's not dead.

He's on his way here.

- Throw her in with the others!
- No! Please! Please!

- I thought you loved me!
- Naw, I was just usin' you.

[ Countdown Voice ]
Seven hours, 59 minutes and 41 seconds.

Seven hours, 59 minutes
and 38 seconds.

Seven hours, 59 minutes
and 30--

Dick, look out!

- Got you now, Steele.

Hey, where you goin'?

Take that!

Hey, come back here!

Nowhere to go, Steele.

How fast can you run, my friend?

- My God!

All right, men, tie him up.

- Okay, go ahead, kill me.

I got a bomb. You touch me,
and you'll blow up yourself.

You don't really think I'm gonna fall for
that old tied- to-the-bomb trick, do ya?

- Well, how about the old snake trick?

- Ahh!

- What is it?
- Shh.

Let's go.

Two hours, 59 minutes
and 26 seconds to launch.

Two hours, 59 minutes
and 21 seconds to launch.

Two hours, 59 minutes
and 19 seconds to launch.

We've got to find a way
into Rancor's complex.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

Here, help me with this.

- How patriotic, Dick.
- And deadly.

Ooh, Dick.

Bearing 177.5.

On my mark.
Hi, Mark.

Get set.

- Father!
- My child.

Well, well.
Dick Steele.

I'd shake your hand,
but I don't remember where it landed.

- Clever! Clever? Clever.

Take their weapons.

- Mm-hmm.

Throw her in with the others.
Bind him.

- Oh, Papa.

- Dick Steele?
- Oh, Ms. Dahl.

- Barbara Dahl.
- Get your paws off me,

- Huh.
- you damn dirty apes!

- No!
- You remember Barbara Dahl.

Victoria's daughter?

I'd like to see you watch her go up
like you watched her mother go down.

But I'd rather let you just be
a dessert for my little pet.

What's left of you will have
to watch helplessly...

while I play Mortal Kombat
with the entire world!

Huh?

It's gonna blow! Hurry up!

Come on!

You are very immature.

Bullies tend to have
very bad self- esteem.

Aha!

Oh-ho!

Leave me alone!
I'm an unarmed man!

- Oh, Miss Cheevus.
- Dick, I'm sorry.

- One minute and 22 seconds.
One minute and 21 seconds.

- One minute and 20 seconds.
- You were under the influence of an evil man.

- One minute and 19 seconds.
- It was still a lousy thing to do.

One minute and 18 seconds.
One minute and 17 seconds.

- One minute and 16 seconds.
- Oh-oh. General, it's broken.

Well, you'll like space.
Lots of elbow room and--

- One minute and 12 seconds.
- Oh, whoops. Sorry.

- One minute and 11 seconds.
One minute and ten seconds.

Y eah, you lose, Steele!
That countdown is irreversible!

- Really?

- One minute and five seconds.
- Well...

- let's just see how...
- We need to go!

- One minute and three seconds.
- irreversible that really is.

It's irreversible,

and there's nothing you
patriotic pansies can do about it!

- 59 seconds, 58 seconds. Let me tell you
what being patriotic really is,

you scumbag poop.

This is a great country where a man can
sue anyone he wants anytime he wants.

It's a great country because
thousands of people die every year...

from handguns, and,
yet, at this very moment,

you can still walk into a convenience
store anywhere and buy one of those guns.

- That's democracy.
- It's finally time somebody does...

what that fool Steele
should have done.

- This is a great country...
- And it's gonna be me!

- because anyone who's male has the right...
- Let's go!

- to run for the office of the President.
- Let's go! Move it!

- This is a great country
because any moron can

- All right, everyone, drop your guns!

I'm, uh, taking over!

Steele... get down from there.

- Dick, come on. We have to go.

- Now!
- Oh!

- Come on! Come on!
- I wasn't finished.

Quick! Hurry up! Just move it!

Twenty seconds.

Steele, you're always
doing this to me!

- You lose, Steele!

I'm not through!
I'll be back!

Maybe just tissue or a brain!

- Open the door! I'm stuck in here!
- I'll be back!

- I'm going up, but you
and your whole world...

are going down!

- I'll be back, maybe without legs...
- Open the damn door!

- or some other minor organ.
- Wait! I don't want to miss the fireworks!

How about a hand
for General Rancor?

You're not through with me!

- Ah, well.

- Houston, we have a problem.

A man of intrigue
He lives for the thrill

Always has places to go
and people to kill

Danger is the game he plays

And he holds every card

'Cause if you wanna win

You gotta spy hard

A man of the world
so suave and discreet

He trips over the women
piled up at his feet

But evil's lurking

So he's always on his guard

'Cause if you're gonna spy

You better spy hard

He's always there

When the chips
are beginning to fall

He wouldn't care

If they kicked him
and grabbed him

And shot him
and stabbed him

And nailed both his ears
to the wall

Facing death every day

Is a tough job for any man

But his hours are flexible

And he's got
a great dental plan

By the way
if you walked in late

Allow me to reiterate

The name of this movie

Was Spy Hard

They called it Spy Hard

You just saw Spy Hard

It's the end of Spy Hard