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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,039 --> 00:00:06,829 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 2 00:00:07,197 --> 00:00:08,207 [SHATTERS, ALL GASP] 3 00:00:08,222 --> 00:00:09,702 Well, my brainy little babies, 4 00:00:10,526 --> 00:00:12,953 I have officially been thrown off the Harvard teat. 5 00:00:12,978 --> 00:00:14,750 I thought you were fired a long time ago. 6 00:00:14,775 --> 00:00:16,352 Oh, I was, Marcus, yeah. 7 00:00:16,377 --> 00:00:18,758 I was kicked off the salary and housing teat, 8 00:00:18,783 --> 00:00:20,625 but I was able to remain firmly latched 9 00:00:20,650 --> 00:00:22,342 on to their phone-plan teat. 10 00:00:22,837 --> 00:00:25,255 - _ - Guys, if he says "teat" one more time, 11 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:26,780 we might be able to get him fired. 12 00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:29,775 Let's try and stay focused on my phone, Sarika. 13 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,240 Uh, now, before you suggest 14 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,775 that I just go to a phone store 15 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,356 and sign up for my own plan... 16 00:00:34,381 --> 00:00:35,760 How is that not the solution? 17 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,497 Well, Anthony, because I have... Anyone? 18 00:00:39,617 --> 00:00:42,122 Atrocious credit. Yeah, yeah. 19 00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:45,344 No carrier will trust me, so I am off the grid 20 00:00:45,597 --> 00:00:47,089 until I come up with a solution. 21 00:00:47,139 --> 00:00:49,099 [DRAMATIC NOTE] 22 00:00:49,124 --> 00:00:51,234 Are you saying you have no phone? 23 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,249 Like, for good? 24 00:00:53,274 --> 00:00:55,365 - That's what I'm saying. - Are you gonna die? 25 00:00:55,563 --> 00:00:57,260 I mean, there's an outside chance 26 00:00:57,285 --> 00:00:58,765 you could get on my family's plan. 27 00:00:59,063 --> 00:01:00,291 Yeah, I mean, my parents would have 28 00:01:00,315 --> 00:01:01,377 to get to know you a little better, 29 00:01:01,401 --> 00:01:03,041 but we could schedule a series of dinners. 30 00:01:03,391 --> 00:01:06,260 You know what? I would dislike that, Marcus. 31 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,975 - I would dislike that very much. - Yeah. 32 00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:10,440 But... 33 00:01:11,045 --> 00:01:13,605 the notion of piggybacking on somebody else's phone plan 34 00:01:13,630 --> 00:01:15,370 is very intriguing. 35 00:01:15,410 --> 00:01:16,760 [RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"] 36 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,360 ♪ One, two, three, four! ♪ 37 00:01:18,385 --> 00:01:21,038 ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪ 38 00:01:21,063 --> 00:01:23,810 ♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪ 39 00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:26,285 ♪♪ 40 00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:28,310 ♪ A.P. Bio 2x10 ♪ Handcuffed 41 00:01:28,335 --> 00:01:30,835 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 42 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,820 [CALMING ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING] 43 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:38,650 ♪♪ 44 00:01:38,857 --> 00:01:40,495 What up, Helen DeGeneres? 45 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,830 How's my little puppy bird? 46 00:01:42,855 --> 00:01:44,987 You know. Uh, is Principal Durbin ready 47 00:01:45,012 --> 00:01:46,740 for me to interview him for the school paper? 48 00:01:46,764 --> 00:01:49,903 Uh, ready? He is so excited. 49 00:01:50,317 --> 00:01:51,769 We're gonna have to wait a second, though, 50 00:01:51,793 --> 00:01:54,141 because he's in there delivering a bummer bomb. 51 00:01:54,166 --> 00:01:55,580 [DOOR OPENS] 52 00:01:55,605 --> 00:01:57,555 Gary, no one has signed up 53 00:01:57,580 --> 00:01:59,280 for Coin Club in three years. 54 00:01:59,330 --> 00:02:00,630 I had to cut something. 55 00:02:00,812 --> 00:02:02,334 One of these days, you're gonna find 56 00:02:02,359 --> 00:02:04,288 a beautiful Sacagawea, and you're gonna be like, 57 00:02:04,313 --> 00:02:06,043 "Where's Gary? I want to talk about it." 58 00:02:06,319 --> 00:02:08,599 And I'm gonna be... poof... ghost. 59 00:02:09,509 --> 00:02:11,665 Oh, God. I... 60 00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:15,023 I hate, hate giving people bad news. 61 00:02:15,048 --> 00:02:16,665 Their faces... they look like 62 00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:18,260 teddy bears in a Dumpster. 63 00:02:18,331 --> 00:02:20,557 You're the principal. Let it rip. 64 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:22,365 You can tell them whatever you want. 65 00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:23,740 I know, but I... 66 00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:25,050 Ugh. I just feel sick. 67 00:02:25,207 --> 00:02:26,487 I feel sick, too. 68 00:02:26,935 --> 00:02:28,545 Though it could be because I ate a 69 00:02:28,570 --> 00:02:31,795 shellacked caramel off a old Christmas ornament last night. 70 00:02:32,750 --> 00:02:34,320 I can be honest with you guys. 71 00:02:34,912 --> 00:02:36,212 [CLEARS THROAT] 72 00:02:36,366 --> 00:02:38,970 [CALMING ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING] 73 00:02:39,176 --> 00:02:40,550 Gonna try to work it out. 74 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,090 Drop it down the pike. 75 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,420 ♪♪ 76 00:02:46,868 --> 00:02:47,937 So... 77 00:02:47,962 --> 00:02:49,435 how are things with Seth? 78 00:02:50,054 --> 00:02:51,514 - Good. - Mm. 79 00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:54,470 Ugh. Ugh. 80 00:02:56,983 --> 00:02:58,950 - Mm-hmm. - [ALL GROANING] 81 00:02:59,892 --> 00:03:01,697 - Mary, you want some? - No. 82 00:03:02,022 --> 00:03:04,960 So he took you out again last night? 83 00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:06,365 Sort of. 84 00:03:06,390 --> 00:03:08,740 Uh, sort of? [LAUGHS] 85 00:03:09,164 --> 00:03:11,570 Uh, we got subs and ate them at the Laundromat. 86 00:03:11,595 --> 00:03:13,285 So, yeah, I took her out. 87 00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:15,060 Oh, you're not a fan of restaurants? 88 00:03:15,085 --> 00:03:17,147 Whoa, someone's a frickin' millionaire. 89 00:03:17,172 --> 00:03:18,970 - What? - I'm a substitute teacher. 90 00:03:18,995 --> 00:03:21,014 So we each grabbed three on a six-inch. 91 00:03:21,358 --> 00:03:22,569 - We did. - Mm-hmm. 92 00:03:22,594 --> 00:03:24,580 And you call this a date? 93 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,605 Um, let's just say that the changing table 94 00:03:26,630 --> 00:03:28,865 in the bathroom didn't break itself. 95 00:03:28,890 --> 00:03:29,940 [LAUGHS] 96 00:03:29,965 --> 00:03:31,705 We did... with sex. 97 00:03:31,730 --> 00:03:33,640 [BOTH LAUGHING] 98 00:03:33,665 --> 00:03:34,885 Ow! [BLEEP]. 99 00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,560 Ooh. Said I was gonna get you. 100 00:03:36,585 --> 00:03:37,765 Ha ha! 101 00:03:37,790 --> 00:03:39,400 Catch ya later, masturbator. 102 00:03:41,650 --> 00:03:44,150 So has he met the parents? 103 00:03:44,937 --> 00:03:46,131 Ah, he needs to go. 104 00:03:46,156 --> 00:03:47,610 It's just that he's subbing here, 105 00:03:47,650 --> 00:03:49,566 and I can't just ghost him like I usually do. 106 00:03:49,591 --> 00:03:50,693 Yeah. 107 00:03:50,718 --> 00:03:53,115 Now, which one of you is gonna help me get rid of him? 108 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:55,574 Oh, not us. We are done. 109 00:03:55,599 --> 00:03:57,490 Every time we help you get rid of a guy, 110 00:03:57,515 --> 00:03:59,162 you wind up getting back together. 111 00:03:59,187 --> 00:04:00,790 - Mm-mm. - You backslide. 112 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,802 It's an exhausting cycle to watch and judge. 113 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,060 Oh, come on... 114 00:04:05,085 --> 00:04:07,915 Hey, hey, ladies, we're all basically, like, 115 00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:10,460 friends and family at this point, right? 116 00:04:10,485 --> 00:04:12,051 I am finding it impossible 117 00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:14,520 to secure a cell phone plan under my name. 118 00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:16,616 Ah, and you want to piggyback on one of our plans. 119 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,554 - Ha. - Jack, I have way too many cousins 120 00:04:18,579 --> 00:04:20,616 for you to doggy-style on my plan. 121 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,640 Okay, well, it's piggyback, but, yeah. 122 00:04:24,369 --> 00:04:27,648 Uh, you know, Jack, my family plan is da bomb, 123 00:04:27,673 --> 00:04:29,055 and I'll let you get in on it. 124 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,812 - Yes! - But you have to do 125 00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,551 something for me in return. 126 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:35,000 You have to help me kick my current boyfriend to the curb. 127 00:04:35,245 --> 00:04:37,085 Okay, well, that actually sounds kind of fun. 128 00:04:37,199 --> 00:04:38,294 But that's not the hard part. 129 00:04:38,318 --> 00:04:40,675 The hard part is helping me stay broken up with him, 130 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,107 'cause "Today Mary" is gonna want to 131 00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:43,223 break up with that little scuzz, 132 00:04:43,247 --> 00:04:45,840 but "Tomorrow Mary" is gonna go scuzz-blind. 133 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,020 You know, this all sounds very doable. I am in. 134 00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:51,354 Okay. Very nice doing business with you. 135 00:04:51,379 --> 00:04:52,409 Oh, wonderful. 136 00:04:52,434 --> 00:04:53,854 Wonderful doing business with you. 137 00:04:53,879 --> 00:04:55,139 [LAUGHTER] 138 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,940 Yes! Nice. What? 139 00:04:58,282 --> 00:05:01,610 You have no idea the job you just signed on for. 140 00:05:02,030 --> 00:05:04,550 There is nothing more powerful than the bond 141 00:05:04,575 --> 00:05:07,097 between a Mary and her scuzz. 142 00:05:07,419 --> 00:05:10,459 - Backslide, Jack. - Backslide. 143 00:05:13,384 --> 00:05:17,564 [THUNDER BOOMING] 144 00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:20,253 - Don't move! - Jeez! 145 00:05:21,406 --> 00:05:23,016 - God, okay... - [KNOCKING] 146 00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:24,481 - Hi. - Hey. 147 00:05:24,506 --> 00:05:27,466 Um, Mr. Griffin, what are you doing in my math class? 148 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:29,980 Whoa. It's like seeing a tiger in the wild. 149 00:05:30,140 --> 00:05:32,160 [CHUCKLES] Uh, Seth. 150 00:05:32,325 --> 00:05:34,549 Hi, I'm uh, Jack Griffin. I teach A.P. Bio. 151 00:05:34,574 --> 00:05:35,834 So you're subbing here? 152 00:05:35,859 --> 00:05:37,950 Yep, yep. Anywhere that needs me. 153 00:05:37,990 --> 00:05:39,430 - Ah. - Kids really dig me. 154 00:05:39,455 --> 00:05:41,941 I always play the first 48 minutes of a movie. 155 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:44,960 I've seen the first half of a lot 156 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,310 - of really good flicks. - [BOTH LAUGH] 157 00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:48,586 Love it, I love it, I love it. 158 00:05:48,610 --> 00:05:50,660 - And no shoes. Very cool. - Ah. 159 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,288 So I have something very sensitive 160 00:05:52,313 --> 00:05:53,710 in nature to talk to you about. 161 00:05:54,014 --> 00:05:57,165 Um, gang, if you could just go ahead and move your bodies 162 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,253 to the back of the class, and, you know, face the wall, 163 00:05:59,277 --> 00:06:00,584 like "Blair Witch" style. 164 00:06:00,762 --> 00:06:01,892 Heather, you want to...? 165 00:06:02,747 --> 00:06:03,789 Yeah. 166 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,240 All right, move it or lose it, D-bags. 167 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:09,070 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 168 00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:11,240 [SIGHS] 169 00:06:11,290 --> 00:06:14,855 ♪♪ 170 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:15,942 Uh, is that in, like... 171 00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:17,687 is that in the second half of "Blair Witch"? 172 00:06:18,441 --> 00:06:21,314 Hey, so, um, I'm a friend of Mary's 173 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,718 and, well, she's asked me to tell you it's been 174 00:06:23,743 --> 00:06:26,329 a tepid ride, but, uh, it's over, okay? 175 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:28,930 All right. 176 00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,275 Wait, are you... are you serious? 177 00:06:30,942 --> 00:06:33,999 - C-can we talk about that? - With me? No. No, no, no. 178 00:06:34,024 --> 00:06:35,706 I-I'm not really up to speed on most of it. 179 00:06:35,731 --> 00:06:37,590 I just, uh... you know, just the messenger here. 180 00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:38,905 I just know it's over, you know? 181 00:06:38,930 --> 00:06:40,760 So, uh, my work is sort of done here. 182 00:06:40,785 --> 00:06:42,466 I just... I'm gonna go talk to her, because once she... 183 00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:44,090 No, no, no. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] 184 00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:45,631 I'm handling this. 185 00:06:46,630 --> 00:06:48,410 - [SNIFFLES] - Oh. 186 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:49,500 [WHIMPERING] 187 00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:50,780 Oh, God. 188 00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:52,630 [CRYING] 189 00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:55,620 When a man cries, nothing feels safe. 190 00:06:56,465 --> 00:06:57,855 [CONTINUES CRYING] 191 00:06:58,745 --> 00:07:00,643 He did not take it well. 192 00:07:01,105 --> 00:07:02,550 Are you breaking it off with Seth? 193 00:07:02,575 --> 00:07:04,068 Hey! Stop snooping. 194 00:07:05,943 --> 00:07:07,170 Go ahead, Jack. I'll cover. 195 00:07:07,646 --> 00:07:10,519 La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... 196 00:07:10,544 --> 00:07:12,700 All right. Uh, yeah, he just... he wouldn't accept it. 197 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:15,560 All right? He was crying, and he wants to talk. 198 00:07:16,208 --> 00:07:19,010 Damn it, Jack. Ugh. Cover me. 199 00:07:19,050 --> 00:07:21,270 Oh. ♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪ 200 00:07:21,295 --> 00:07:22,902 You were supposed to handle this, you know, 201 00:07:22,926 --> 00:07:25,100 like family, not just phone it in. 202 00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,360 Yeah, we can definitely still hear you back here. 203 00:07:27,385 --> 00:07:29,475 Oh, my God. Just plug each other's ears. 204 00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:35,240 ♪♪ 205 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,596 Look, don't worry about it. I got you, okay? 206 00:07:37,621 --> 00:07:39,098 I'll come over later, and I'll help you break it off. 207 00:07:39,122 --> 00:07:41,080 Um, no, no, no. We got to do it at your place. 208 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:42,960 Otherwise I'm gonna end up hooking up with him. 209 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,748 Uh, well, no, we can... what? You can't break up at my place. 210 00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,287 Well, do you want to be on my phone plan or not? 211 00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:51,145 Yes. Okay, fine. Fine, all right? 212 00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,170 But we got to do it fast, 213 00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:53,322 'cause Lynette's coming over later. 214 00:07:53,346 --> 00:07:54,702 Ooooh. 215 00:07:54,882 --> 00:07:56,676 Marcus, how is it that you're still hearing this? 216 00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:59,260 My fingers are too small for his ear canals. 217 00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:00,755 They're huge. 218 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,400 Don't brag about that. 219 00:08:04,244 --> 00:08:07,114 [UPBEAT SYNTH TUNE PLAYING] 220 00:08:07,139 --> 00:08:08,889 ♪ Sex is horrible ♪ 221 00:08:08,914 --> 00:08:12,100 ♪ And no one really likes it ♪ 222 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,695 So that's what I play whenever I, 223 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,560 uh, catch a kid with a condom. 224 00:08:15,585 --> 00:08:17,531 Mm, my readers will love this. 225 00:08:17,556 --> 00:08:19,928 Oh, and this what I play whenever I catch a student 226 00:08:19,953 --> 00:08:21,760 with drugs. [CLEARS THROAT] 227 00:08:21,825 --> 00:08:26,577 ♪ Meth gives you joy only Gods can experience ♪ 228 00:08:26,602 --> 00:08:28,510 ♪ But don't do it ♪ 229 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,629 Ralph, time to break some spirits. 230 00:08:30,654 --> 00:08:32,162 - Coach is here. - Already? 231 00:08:32,187 --> 00:08:34,755 Oh, boy. You can stay Anthony. 232 00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:36,949 ♪♪ 233 00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:37,999 [CLEARS THROAT] 234 00:08:39,089 --> 00:08:40,641 [SIGHS] Coach, I, uh... 235 00:08:41,305 --> 00:08:44,585 I have some bad news I wish I could protect you from. 236 00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:46,350 You don't got to sugarcoat it for me, Ralph. 237 00:08:46,375 --> 00:08:47,854 I'm not one of your book teachers. 238 00:08:47,879 --> 00:08:49,235 All right, uh, well, um... 239 00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:51,708 I don't know how, uh... 240 00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:55,280 It seems that there's a, uh... 241 00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:57,868 Uh, well, I'm... doesn't... It actually is... 242 00:08:58,657 --> 00:08:59,977 I'm sorry, uh... 243 00:09:01,805 --> 00:09:03,630 We're gonna let... 244 00:09:04,056 --> 00:09:07,200 the marching band and the football team 245 00:09:07,225 --> 00:09:10,785 share practice time on the football field. 246 00:09:10,810 --> 00:09:13,892 What? No way. It's not... it's not called a band field. 247 00:09:13,917 --> 00:09:15,354 Uh, that's a good point. 248 00:09:15,379 --> 00:09:17,603 You know what? I'm gonna, uh, talk to the band director. 249 00:09:17,628 --> 00:09:19,650 Maybe we could, uh, find a... 250 00:09:19,675 --> 00:09:22,463 Oh, my God. Move over. 251 00:09:23,620 --> 00:09:25,727 The band's gonna use the field sometimes. 252 00:09:25,752 --> 00:09:27,870 This is happening to you. 253 00:09:28,370 --> 00:09:29,700 Deal with it. 254 00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:31,948 Ralph, does the confident child speak 255 00:09:31,973 --> 00:09:33,313 on your behest for you? 256 00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:38,960 Our talk is done. Shoo. 257 00:09:39,410 --> 00:09:41,903 Shoo? You're gonna shoo me? Shoo you. 258 00:09:41,928 --> 00:09:43,880 Kids talk to me like that? Jesus Christ. 259 00:09:43,905 --> 00:09:45,286 That was amazing! 260 00:09:45,311 --> 00:09:46,460 Anthony! [GASPS] 261 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:47,900 I have to deliver bad news all day. 262 00:09:47,925 --> 00:09:50,135 Is there any chance you'd want to sit in 263 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,380 on some of these sessions? 264 00:09:52,405 --> 00:09:54,145 Okay, I can sweeten the deal. 265 00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:58,530 I got an Amazon gift card for Christmas, 266 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,380 but there's not a slot on my computer for it, 267 00:10:00,405 --> 00:10:01,475 so... 268 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:04,990 Sure. 269 00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:08,390 [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING] 270 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:12,140 ♪♪ 271 00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:14,310 - [SIGHS] - [DOORBELL RINGS] 272 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:15,570 Okay. 273 00:10:17,563 --> 00:10:19,603 All right. Listen... 274 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,130 Mare-bear. 275 00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:22,760 Tell me that he's a liar. 276 00:10:22,987 --> 00:10:24,570 Because I know that you love me. 277 00:10:24,595 --> 00:10:26,735 You even said that you love how my back smells. 278 00:10:26,871 --> 00:10:29,200 No, I just said, "Your back smells." 279 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,480 [GROANS] 280 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:33,395 Seth, I'm looking for something else. 281 00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,900 But, Mary, just think of all the fun that we could have. 282 00:10:35,925 --> 00:10:38,315 I just got us tickets to see Michael McDonald 283 00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:39,900 in concert next month. 284 00:10:40,227 --> 00:10:43,625 I mean... I mean, if you already got the tickets, then... 285 00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:45,495 Mary, he doesn't have the tickets. 286 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,475 - I'm gonna get the tickets. - He's gonna get the tickets. 287 00:10:47,499 --> 00:10:48,665 - Yeah. He's never... - Yeah, I'm gonna get... 288 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,190 - No, he's never gonna get the tickets. - I said I was gonna get... 289 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:51,666 - He will not get the tickets! - I need to get paid, 290 00:10:51,690 --> 00:10:53,418 - then I can buy the tickets. - Mary, end this. 291 00:10:53,442 --> 00:10:54,659 You're a strong woman. 292 00:10:54,684 --> 00:10:57,150 I've seen you kick a coffee table across a lobby. 293 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:01,450 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 294 00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:03,489 Seth, have a happy life. 295 00:11:04,513 --> 00:11:06,802 No. I'm not going anywhere... 296 00:11:07,716 --> 00:11:08,900 until you take me back. 297 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,815 Wait. What? Wait. Are those... 298 00:11:12,266 --> 00:11:13,417 Uh, that's not good. 299 00:11:14,439 --> 00:11:15,799 - Whatever. Bye. - Where you going? 300 00:11:15,824 --> 00:11:17,720 No, no, no. No, no, no. 301 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,225 You're not... no. Oh. 302 00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:21,168 ♪♪ 303 00:11:21,193 --> 00:11:22,488 Oh. 304 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,340 ♪♪ 305 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,210 [CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] 306 00:11:27,235 --> 00:11:28,300 - Did she... - [ENGINE TURNING OVER] 307 00:11:28,324 --> 00:11:29,338 She left, right? 308 00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:31,183 - Is that her car now? - [SIGHS] 309 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:35,400 - Come on. - Closer. 310 00:11:35,425 --> 00:11:37,942 Warmer. Warmer. 311 00:11:37,967 --> 00:11:39,896 Oh, stop tricking me into touching 312 00:11:39,921 --> 00:11:41,091 other parts of your body. 313 00:11:41,116 --> 00:11:42,897 Just tell me where the keys to the cuffs are. 314 00:11:43,146 --> 00:11:44,252 I don't know. 315 00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:47,373 All right, man. You asked for this. 316 00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:52,064 [CHAIR WHIRRING] 317 00:11:52,104 --> 00:11:54,234 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 318 00:11:54,703 --> 00:11:56,747 - You gonna tell me? - This is fine. 319 00:11:57,203 --> 00:11:59,634 It's kind of like a back massage. 320 00:12:00,609 --> 00:12:03,044 Oops. That step's trying to steal my jeans. 321 00:12:03,069 --> 00:12:04,764 [CHUCKLES] Oh, it got 'em. 322 00:12:04,789 --> 00:12:05,869 There they go. 323 00:12:06,389 --> 00:12:08,021 Yeah, that's what I'm working with. 324 00:12:08,046 --> 00:12:10,034 - Oh, come on... - [DOORBELL RINGS] 325 00:12:10,084 --> 00:12:13,084 [SIGHS, GROANS] 326 00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:14,114 - Hi. - Hello. 327 00:12:14,139 --> 00:12:15,449 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 328 00:12:15,587 --> 00:12:16,914 Oof. Okay. 329 00:12:17,392 --> 00:12:19,526 Three openers... Uh, you look great, all right? 330 00:12:19,551 --> 00:12:21,679 You smell like lemons, and.. 331 00:12:22,092 --> 00:12:24,377 Mary's ex-boyfriend is handcuffed 332 00:12:24,402 --> 00:12:26,074 to my dead mom's stair lift. 333 00:12:26,277 --> 00:12:27,956 - Hey, Lynette. - Oh. 334 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,053 Jack took off my pants with this antique elevator. 335 00:12:30,078 --> 00:12:32,324 - No, that's... that's a lie. - Hey, Seth. 336 00:12:32,349 --> 00:12:34,026 Hey, do you happen to have my paycheck on you? 337 00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:35,725 I think it should be around $38. 338 00:12:35,750 --> 00:12:36,850 You know, I don't, 339 00:12:36,875 --> 00:12:39,546 and I think you broke even after taxes. 340 00:12:39,571 --> 00:12:40,975 [SCOFFS] Thanks, Obama. 341 00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,464 - Wine? Yeah. - Love some. 342 00:12:43,504 --> 00:12:44,934 What are we thinking, though, red or white? 343 00:12:44,958 --> 00:12:46,698 [GROANS] 344 00:12:46,897 --> 00:12:48,947 I don't really know anything about birds. 345 00:12:49,128 --> 00:12:52,307 My hobby is stuffing things... you know, taxidermy. 346 00:12:53,674 --> 00:12:56,713 And I guess I'd just rather stuff birds because... 347 00:12:57,530 --> 00:12:59,360 So are you guys like a thing? 348 00:12:59,385 --> 00:13:01,021 Because you seem like you're into each other, 349 00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:02,955 but you also seem like you're cousins. 350 00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:04,190 Like, I guess what I'm asking 351 00:13:04,215 --> 00:13:05,964 is what stuff are you guys doing? 352 00:13:05,989 --> 00:13:07,567 - Mostly outercourse. - None of your business. 353 00:13:07,591 --> 00:13:09,339 "Outercourse"? [LAUGHS] 354 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,466 Okay, well... [CHUCKLES] I'll leave you guys to it. 355 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,454 [CHAIR WHIRRING] 356 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:17,014 [INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV] 357 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,754 A man should have a hobby. 358 00:13:20,348 --> 00:13:22,228 [JAUNTY VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS] 359 00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:24,171 [CHUCKLES] 360 00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:27,869 Oh, man, these birds are just so furious. 361 00:13:28,356 --> 00:13:29,870 - So mad. - One second. 362 00:13:29,895 --> 00:13:31,503 I like it with the sound on. 363 00:13:31,528 --> 00:13:33,286 Do you? This is mine now. 364 00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:37,254 [SIGHS] I mean, no phone plan is worth this. 365 00:13:37,279 --> 00:13:39,599 Hey, you know how you get rid of me, right? 366 00:13:40,824 --> 00:13:42,178 You get me back with my love... 367 00:13:43,064 --> 00:13:44,334 my soul mate. 368 00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:49,314 ♪♪ 369 00:13:49,733 --> 00:13:52,114 Hey, look, nobody wants to see you backslide 370 00:13:52,139 --> 00:13:53,354 any less than me, but... 371 00:13:53,782 --> 00:13:56,618 You should know Seth is obsessed with you. 372 00:13:56,758 --> 00:13:58,399 He won't stop talking about you. 373 00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:00,454 Did he say obsessed, or... 374 00:14:00,494 --> 00:14:02,754 Uh-uh. Okay, I know that look. 375 00:14:02,804 --> 00:14:04,656 - Michelle, let's go. - Yeah. 376 00:14:04,681 --> 00:14:07,194 I told you, Jack... backslide. 377 00:14:07,244 --> 00:14:10,244 ♪♪ 378 00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:11,294 See you. 379 00:14:13,172 --> 00:14:15,204 - Yeah. - Oop. 380 00:14:15,468 --> 00:14:16,861 I'll find it. Yeah. 381 00:14:17,993 --> 00:14:19,903 Look, I'm... [SCOFFS] I'm telling you, 382 00:14:19,928 --> 00:14:21,824 this guy wants you back so badly, 383 00:14:21,864 --> 00:14:23,254 he went on a hunger strike. 384 00:14:23,756 --> 00:14:25,653 Oh, he must be out of his mind for me. 385 00:14:25,678 --> 00:14:27,268 Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a mess. [EXHALES SHARPLY] 386 00:14:27,292 --> 00:14:29,485 [SIGHS] You know, I'm just gonna stay focused, 387 00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:30,874 and I'm not gonna think about him. 388 00:14:30,899 --> 00:14:32,379 - You are gonna be fine. - Yeah. 389 00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:33,549 [LAUGHS] All right. 390 00:14:33,574 --> 00:14:35,444 - Okay. - You got this. 391 00:14:37,828 --> 00:14:39,404 [CELL PHONE CLICKING] 392 00:14:39,444 --> 00:14:43,144 - ♪♪ - _ 393 00:14:43,194 --> 00:14:44,584 - [CELL PHONE BLOOPS] - [LAUGHS] 394 00:14:44,624 --> 00:14:46,584 [CELL PHONE CHIMES] 395 00:14:46,609 --> 00:14:49,789 ♪♪ 396 00:14:49,814 --> 00:14:51,514 Stay strong. Stay strong. 397 00:14:54,244 --> 00:14:56,164 [SIGHS] 398 00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:58,204 Time to hit some peeps with bad news. 399 00:14:58,229 --> 00:14:59,269 [CHUCKLES] 400 00:14:59,294 --> 00:15:01,204 [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] 401 00:15:01,229 --> 00:15:04,697 Joyce, we moved your parking spot to the auxiliary lot. 402 00:15:04,722 --> 00:15:05,942 It's a done deal. 403 00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:07,969 You see, that's not gonna work for me. 404 00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,914 I'm already getting up at 2:00 a.m. to take my nephew 405 00:15:10,954 --> 00:15:12,883 to the ER 'cause of his croup. 406 00:15:12,908 --> 00:15:15,264 - I says to my sister... - Joyce. Joyce. 407 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:16,589 Joyce! 408 00:15:17,301 --> 00:15:18,430 Not my business. 409 00:15:18,825 --> 00:15:20,404 Mute and scoot. 410 00:15:20,429 --> 00:15:22,909 ♪♪ 411 00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:25,264 All of your cleaning supplies are being switched 412 00:15:25,289 --> 00:15:26,756 to generic and unscented. 413 00:15:26,781 --> 00:15:28,324 "Unscented"? [LAUGHS] 414 00:15:28,349 --> 00:15:31,634 You know what humans do in bathrooms, right? 415 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,134 You're with me on this, right, Durbin? 416 00:15:35,439 --> 00:15:36,680 Durbin's not here. 417 00:15:36,705 --> 00:15:38,854 Breathe out your mouth. [EXHALES SHARPLY] 418 00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:41,334 ♪♪ 419 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,994 [CRUNCHES] 420 00:15:43,357 --> 00:15:45,215 Principal Durbin isn't concerning himself 421 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,156 with the casting of the school play. 422 00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:50,746 You can either play "Tree in Distance" or quit. 423 00:15:50,771 --> 00:15:53,935 Great! I'll play the tree. I don't mind at all. 424 00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:54,979 Oh. 425 00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:58,354 ♪♪ 426 00:15:58,394 --> 00:16:01,054 [EXHALES SHARPLY] 427 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,054 ♪♪ 428 00:16:03,094 --> 00:16:05,418 - [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] - Right, new plan. 429 00:16:05,443 --> 00:16:08,825 So I'm texting Mary from her ex-boyfriend's phone. 430 00:16:08,857 --> 00:16:10,105 I'm gonna trick her into getting back 431 00:16:10,129 --> 00:16:11,896 with that idiot so I can get him out of my house. 432 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,450 Uh, do you guys have any suggestions? 433 00:16:14,966 --> 00:16:17,415 I don't get it. Aren't you Mary's friend? 434 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,563 Of course. Yeah. 435 00:16:18,588 --> 00:16:21,241 Yeah, and didn't she offer to put you on her family plan 436 00:16:21,266 --> 00:16:22,741 if you help her get rid of this guy? 437 00:16:22,766 --> 00:16:23,790 Yeah. 438 00:16:23,815 --> 00:16:26,400 And now you're trying to set her up with the very same man 439 00:16:26,425 --> 00:16:29,474 who you yourself called an idiot not moments ago? 440 00:16:32,178 --> 00:16:34,998 You guys... you all think I'm a bad guy? 441 00:16:36,248 --> 00:16:37,373 Is that what this is? 442 00:16:38,772 --> 00:16:40,234 Heather, where do you stand on this? 443 00:16:41,199 --> 00:16:42,939 I can't tell if you're doing a mission 444 00:16:42,964 --> 00:16:45,051 for Ms. Wagner or against her. 445 00:16:45,076 --> 00:16:47,045 I'm Team Griffin either way. 446 00:16:47,271 --> 00:16:50,534 Let's get her... or help her. 447 00:16:51,027 --> 00:16:53,030 I guess you have to ask yourself 448 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:55,081 if you really care about your friend. 449 00:16:57,910 --> 00:16:59,870 See, this is why I avoid friendships. 450 00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:01,194 Yeah, that's why. 451 00:17:01,442 --> 00:17:02,724 [SIGHS] 452 00:17:02,749 --> 00:17:04,029 Now I'm gonna have to figure out another way 453 00:17:04,053 --> 00:17:05,896 to get rid of this human pork rind. 454 00:17:07,888 --> 00:17:10,034 Guess I'm gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. 455 00:17:10,074 --> 00:17:13,034 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 456 00:17:13,084 --> 00:17:15,084 ♪♪ 457 00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:23,981 Scuzz-blind. 458 00:17:25,334 --> 00:17:26,394 Wait, what? 459 00:17:26,419 --> 00:17:27,515 [SIGHS] 460 00:17:31,064 --> 00:17:33,154 [BOTH LAUGHING] 461 00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:35,577 I'm sorry, Mary, did you have the key the whole time? 462 00:17:35,602 --> 00:17:37,194 No. Seth was hiding it 463 00:17:37,219 --> 00:17:39,309 in a place I call his "secret pouch." 464 00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:40,514 And that's not my butt. 465 00:17:40,539 --> 00:17:42,301 [GROANS] No. What is happening? Why? 466 00:17:42,326 --> 00:17:44,332 We're back, baby. [LAUGHS] 467 00:17:44,357 --> 00:17:45,747 All right, I'm gonna pop upstairs, 468 00:17:45,772 --> 00:17:46,911 I'm gonna put my jeans back on, 469 00:17:46,935 --> 00:17:48,425 and then we're gonna scoot. [LAUGHS] 470 00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:53,040 - Oh, God. - I know. 471 00:17:53,844 --> 00:17:56,228 Mary, you... you... you can't get back together with that guy. 472 00:17:56,252 --> 00:17:58,160 Jack, don't worry. You're off the hook. 473 00:17:58,185 --> 00:17:59,853 We'll go get you a brand-new phone tomorrow 474 00:17:59,877 --> 00:18:01,060 and sign you up on my plan. 475 00:18:01,085 --> 00:18:03,142 No, but it... it... it just don't feel right. 476 00:18:05,673 --> 00:18:06,797 Okay, Jackie boy. 477 00:18:06,822 --> 00:18:07,857 It's been a fun 24 hours, 478 00:18:07,882 --> 00:18:09,322 but it's time for me to get going. 479 00:18:09,519 --> 00:18:11,049 Yeah, that's my mother's luggage. 480 00:18:11,074 --> 00:18:12,097 Oh. 481 00:18:13,870 --> 00:18:16,760 Well, it's broken. Tell her that. 482 00:18:16,785 --> 00:18:17,875 All right, babe. 483 00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,604 I'm gonna go outside and warm up the car... 484 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:21,305 with my farts. 485 00:18:21,330 --> 00:18:23,920 [LAUGHING] 486 00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:27,637 Eh, diet starts tomorrow, 487 00:18:27,662 --> 00:18:29,209 but tonight I'm gonna go eat this cake. 488 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,340 Wait, wait. Hold on one second. 489 00:18:30,364 --> 00:18:32,194 - I just... - What the fudge? 490 00:18:32,219 --> 00:18:33,659 Uh-huh, yep. Nope. 491 00:18:33,684 --> 00:18:34,931 - [GRUNTS] - No, no, no. Nope, nope. 492 00:18:34,955 --> 00:18:36,395 You're not going with him. Let's go. 493 00:18:37,125 --> 00:18:39,510 Jack, I am a grown-ass woman, 494 00:18:39,550 --> 00:18:42,414 and sometimes I want to make bad decisions, so let me. 495 00:18:42,439 --> 00:18:45,099 No. I'm not letting you leave until you've horned down a bit 496 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,084 and promise me you are done with that dude. 497 00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:48,864 Fine, then no phone plan for you. 498 00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:50,400 Fine. 499 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,720 But I have something to say, 500 00:18:53,145 --> 00:18:55,210 and this is not gonna be one of those things where I tell you 501 00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:57,534 that you are deserving of someone far better than 502 00:18:57,559 --> 00:19:00,394 that human tapeworm out there because you are a catch... 503 00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:03,318 and not just a Toledo catch, 504 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,527 but, like, a regular, good-city catch. 505 00:19:06,789 --> 00:19:07,969 Instead, I'm gonna sit here with you 506 00:19:07,993 --> 00:19:09,820 until you come to that conclusion on your own. 507 00:19:10,707 --> 00:19:13,107 And there is absolutely no way I'm letting you go before then 508 00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:16,192 because I do not have the keys to these handcuffs. 509 00:19:17,202 --> 00:19:19,112 I'm just now realizing that. 510 00:19:19,137 --> 00:19:21,397 [OMINOUS MUSIC] 511 00:19:21,422 --> 00:19:22,822 [KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS] 512 00:19:22,847 --> 00:19:23,937 Hello? 513 00:19:24,365 --> 00:19:26,792 Oh, uh, where's Principal Durbin? 514 00:19:27,441 --> 00:19:28,751 Take a seat. 515 00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:31,086 Okeydokey. [CHUCKLES] 516 00:19:31,111 --> 00:19:34,071 Didn't expect, uh... you to be here. 517 00:19:34,096 --> 00:19:35,576 [CLEARS THROAT] So, uh... 518 00:19:35,601 --> 00:19:38,211 what is this meeting about? 519 00:19:38,236 --> 00:19:41,286 ♪♪ 520 00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:43,684 As you can see, you gave me a B-minus 521 00:19:43,709 --> 00:19:45,319 on my erosion diorama. 522 00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:47,174 I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you keep me 523 00:19:47,199 --> 00:19:49,479 out of Georgetown, so you're gonna give me an A, 524 00:19:49,976 --> 00:19:51,936 or we're gonna have to let you go. 525 00:19:51,961 --> 00:19:53,661 ♪♪ 526 00:19:53,686 --> 00:19:55,206 [GASPS] 527 00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:58,024 Oh, thank God. Anthony's trying to fire me. 528 00:19:58,761 --> 00:19:59,871 What are you doing? 529 00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:02,024 I think something bit Anthony. 530 00:20:02,049 --> 00:20:03,183 Can you hear me? 531 00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:04,498 Quiet, Noodle Curls! 532 00:20:04,635 --> 00:20:07,680 You got a little too much dip on your chip, buster. 533 00:20:07,730 --> 00:20:10,563 Get up, take your disrespectful butt 534 00:20:10,588 --> 00:20:12,172 straight to my office! 535 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:13,711 Keep it moving! 536 00:20:13,736 --> 00:20:16,266 I'm sorry. I was trying to help Principal Durbin. 537 00:20:16,868 --> 00:20:22,650 Dave, your classes are being transferred to the trailer. 538 00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:23,910 What? 539 00:20:23,935 --> 00:20:25,927 Oh, come on. 540 00:20:25,952 --> 00:20:28,004 We're done talking. Shoo. 541 00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:30,236 - [EXHALES SHARPLY] - [GROANS] 542 00:20:31,307 --> 00:20:33,917 Well, thank you so much for ruining my day. 543 00:20:33,942 --> 00:20:35,692 I already sat in cornbread. 544 00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:38,157 [SIGHS] Come on. 545 00:20:38,182 --> 00:20:40,702 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 546 00:20:40,727 --> 00:20:42,247 [LAUGHING] 547 00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:44,239 Well, good work, Jack-In-The-Sweats. 548 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,680 Yeah, nice job. 549 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,813 Hey, I would do the same for either of you. 550 00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,119 - Aw. - Please don't break up my marriage. 551 00:20:50,144 --> 00:20:51,374 - Please. - I'm not... 552 00:20:51,399 --> 00:20:52,978 Now, Stef, she could use a little help. 553 00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:54,486 I don't have a problem. 554 00:20:54,511 --> 00:20:57,471 I just like dating older Indian doctors. 555 00:20:57,739 --> 00:20:59,495 They're always secretly married. 556 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:00,596 Not happily. 557 00:21:00,621 --> 00:21:02,101 And leaders of a sex cult. 558 00:21:02,126 --> 00:21:03,936 Not happily. 559 00:21:04,284 --> 00:21:05,414 [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] 560 00:21:05,439 --> 00:21:06,884 Oh, I should head to class. 561 00:21:07,331 --> 00:21:08,851 Yep, I should probably head with you. 562 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,472 Okeydokey. 563 00:21:10,497 --> 00:21:11,797 We can hit shop class at lunch. 564 00:21:11,822 --> 00:21:12,842 - Okay. - You know? 565 00:21:12,867 --> 00:21:14,014 - Yeah, let's do that. - Whoa. 566 00:21:14,038 --> 00:21:15,258 I got to say, though, 567 00:21:15,283 --> 00:21:17,553 - I, uh... I'm gonna miss this. - Aw. 39957

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