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And now, a message from the
president of the United States.
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00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:16,729
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
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00:00:16,730 --> 00:00:23,699
Thank you very much.
I'm very excited about summer,
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00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:26,159
getting around that those things
I never have time for.
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00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:31,229
Golf.
Visiting friends in prison.
6
00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:35,899
Enjoying all the fantastic new
tariffs with China.
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00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,659
Been an incredible year for our
economy, our American economy is
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00:00:38,660 --> 00:00:41,059
on fire.
I'm going to tell you if it's a
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00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:43,429
fire that keeps you warm or
burns your house to the ground.
10
00:00:43,430 --> 00:00:49,359
But it's some kind of fire.
So I'm on cruise control to a
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00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,599
second term and there's nothing
the democrats in congress can do
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00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,159
about it.
So sit back and enjoy the ride,
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00:00:56,160 --> 00:01:04,229
America, because tonight, well,
opportunity I'm going to have a
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00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:11,099
real good time.
♪ he feels alive
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00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:13,199
and the world
I'll turn it inside out
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00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,359
yeah ♪
♪ and float around
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00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:22,729
in ecstasy
so don't stop him now ♪
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00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:25,899
♪ don't stop him
cause he's having a good time
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00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,559
having a good time ♪
♪ he's a lose Cannon
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rippin' up the laws
of society
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you can't subpoena him ♪
♪ he's gunna obstruct
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he's a billionaire
unless you take a look
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00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:40,799
at his tax returns ♪
♪ he's going to hide
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00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,029
hide hide
there's no showing you ♪
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00:01:45,030 --> 00:01:50,299
♪ I'm burning every page
picking every fight
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00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:53,499
but they call him bad advice
cause he listen to ♪
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00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:56,699
♪ the fox news guys
I want to make a super
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00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,329
straight man out of you ♪
[ Laughter ]
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00:01:59,330 --> 00:02:01,999
♪ Don't stop us now
we're having such
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00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,129
a good time ♪
I'm having a ball!
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00:02:04,130 --> 00:02:09,959
♪ Don't stop us now
you wanna huge distraction
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00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,699
just give yeezy a call man ♪
♪ don't stop us now
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00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,829
we're having a good time
don't stop us now
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00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:22,199
we're having a good time ♪
♪ we don't wanna stop at all
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00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:26,429
get the supreme court
ready for a fight on abortion
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00:02:26,430 --> 00:02:30,699
we got the most now ♪
♪ women are screwed
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00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:34,899
it was an issue you thought
got resolved 50 years ago
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00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:40,229
but no, no, no ♪
♪ all men are still in control
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00:02:40,230 --> 00:02:49,799
search your Bible guide now ♪
♪ he's throwing stones and he
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00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:54,429
lives in a big glass house ♪
♪ he cheated on
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00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:56,559
every spouse
I want to make a chik-fil-a
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00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,129
man out of you ♪
[ Laughter ]
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00:02:58,130 --> 00:02:59,729
♪ Don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
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00:02:59,730 --> 00:03:01,629
♪ don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
45
00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:03,629
Do you guys like tariffs?
♪ don't stop me
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00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:05,429
don't stop me ♪
hundred bucks for a tomato?
47
00:03:05,430 --> 00:03:10,259
♪ Don't stop me
don't stop me ♪
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00:03:10,260 --> 00:03:17,099
♪ I ain't sweatin' it ♪
♪♪♪
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00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:21,759
Oh he's throwing out the lies
yeah one tweet at a time he's
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00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,699
got the best brightest guys
that's why most of them are
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00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:30,599
serving time I want to make a
crazy sexy man out of you ♪
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00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:31,799
♪
what are you doing?
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00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,429
I'm sorry, this queen music
gets me all riled up.
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00:03:35,430 --> 00:03:37,599
Hey dad, why weren't we
invited to sing?
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00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,059
Yeah.
Son.
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00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:43,159
And Eric.
[ Laughter ]
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00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,959
I'm sorry I forgot about you
guys.
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00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:51,529
I want to sing the song too.
All right, Eric, go ahead.
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00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:52,859
♪ It's time to
play the music
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00:03:52,860 --> 00:03:54,399
it's time to
light the lights ♪
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00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,259
♪ it's time to
meet the muppets
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00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:58,159
on the muppet show tonight ♪
[ Laughter ]
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00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,529
[ Cheers and applause ]
I need to invite the three
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00:04:02,530 --> 00:04:05,159
white players over from
McDonald's.
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00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:19,699
Wait a second.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:23,229
I have something very important
to say to the American people.
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00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:31,629
Something they need to hear.
No collusion, no obstruction.
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00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:33,259
♪ Don't stop me now
it's a good time
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00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:37,229
to try and impeach
don't stop us now ♪
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00:04:37,230 --> 00:04:41,199
♪ we might even get rid of
freedom of speech
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00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,599
don't stop us now
we're having a good time ♪
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00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,429
♪ don't stop us now
we're having a good time
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00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:53,659
we don't want to stop
at all ♪♪♪
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00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:57,599
Guys, it's been fun.
I don't know what's next for me,
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00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,829
but I wouldn't be Donald Trump
if I didn't say tune in next
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00:05:00,830 --> 00:05:02,959
season to see who lives and who
dies.
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00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:08,029
[ Laughter ]
Spoiler, I live.
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00:05:08,030 --> 00:05:15,199
I live for another 150 years.
And the iron throne will be
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00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,200
mine.
Have a wonderful summer,
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00:05:16,201 --> 00:05:18,199
America.
And live from New York, it's
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00:05:18,200 --> 00:06:48,229
"Saturday night"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:06:48,230 --> 00:06:53,959
Musical guest --
dj khaled.
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00:06:53,960 --> 00:07:00,199
And your host --
Paul rudd.
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00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,699
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
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00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:10,529
Ladies and gentlemen --
Paul rudd.
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00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:18,430
♪♪♪
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00:07:19,730 --> 00:07:26,430
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:07:27,860 --> 00:07:33,659
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
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00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:37,499
I am so thrilled to be hosting
the season finale of "Saturday
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00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:40,059
night live."
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:44,559
Hands down the most anticipated
finale of this weekend.
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00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,259
[ Laughter ]
You know, I've hosted this show
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00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:51,359
a few times now.
And what I've learned is that
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00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,459
these monologues, they should be
a little funny, but they should
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00:07:53,460 --> 00:07:56,059
also be heartfelt, sort of like
a best man's speech at a
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00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:59,659
wedding.
And, well, tonight I would like
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00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:03,099
to be your best man.
So could we maybe get some
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00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,599
champagne out here, something
warm and flat?
99
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:12,259
Thank you.
Hello.
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00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:12,900
Wow.
Goodness.
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00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:18,499
They're tall.
When I officially first met
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00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:23,029
"SNL" in 2008, I was like, this
guy is crazy.
103
00:08:23,030 --> 00:08:26,229
You were doing sketches about
some guy named Barack.
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00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:29,059
I hadn't done a marvel movie yet
so I was still treating people
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00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:34,399
pretty well.
Times have changed.
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00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,729
Not a lot of people know this,
but you and I, we used to kind
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00:08:38,730 --> 00:08:39,859
of make out.
I think we have some pictures of
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00:08:39,860 --> 00:08:47,899
that.
There we are.
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00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:50,499
Oh, man, were we nuts.
"SNL," you used to be a real
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00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:53,699
dirty dog.
I think like a thousand people
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00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,999
have been on you.
I know that sounds gross but
112
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:03,959
hey, it was the '70s, '80s,
'90s, and whatever this is.
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00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,899
True story, I was
actually right outside of this
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00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:11,099
building on the night of the
very first episode of "SNL"
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00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,859
in 1975.
I remember, because I had just
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00:09:13,860 --> 00:09:18,629
turned 30.
And I was working as a vomit boy
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00:09:18,630 --> 00:09:21,959
at studio 54.
I thought, this isn't for me.
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00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:26,399
I thought I would be cleaning up
vomit, but I was way off.
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00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,959
So, I walked out.
I started running.
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00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,429
I found myself under a beautiful
sign that said "nbc."
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00:09:33,430 --> 00:09:36,299
Out walked a guy who called
himself lorne.
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00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:40,059
I went right up to him and I
said, "sir, one day I'll be
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00:09:40,060 --> 00:09:43,999
hosting your show."
And he said, "guards, do your
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00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,999
worst."
[ Laughter ]
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00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,999
Funny how life works.
After all of these years I knew
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00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,729
we'd always be here for each
other.
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00:09:51,730 --> 00:09:56,659
Whenever you needed a host, and
I needed to promote a movie.
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00:09:56,660 --> 00:10:01,459
Now I'm just so honored to be
hosting the finale of season 44.
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00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:06,729
So hey, cheers to you.
We've got a great show.
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00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:08,729
Dj khaled is here with like 200
friends.
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00:10:08,730 --> 00:10:09,959
So stick around.
We'll be right back.
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00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:17,529
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
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00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:22,659
Thank you all for coming.
I'm Dr. Markowitz with NASA and
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00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:31,329
this is Dr. Handly with the
institute for temporal
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00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:33,299
anomalies.
We're obviously very
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00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,829
interested in your story as
you're the first three people to
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00:10:35,830 --> 00:10:37,299
have experienced a verified time
travel event.
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00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:42,399
This is bananas.
I mean, we were just three buds
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00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,899
watching TV and now, we're
quantum pioneers.
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00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:49,199
Now please tell us how this
time portal appeared.
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00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:56,229
I got a three-month trial, we
were watching
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00:10:56,230 --> 00:10:58,329
ray Donovan on showtime, and I'm
a fan, I'm a sucker for flawed
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00:10:58,330 --> 00:11:00,859
heroes, good person, bad deeds,
that dichotomy is very rich to
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00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,059
me.
Wonderful.
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00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:05,429
But if you could focus on the
time travel.
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00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:09,229
Uh, right, yeah, well, me and
her, we was on the couch when
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00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:11,159
this glowing majestic gateway
appeared and we drifted into it.
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00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,229
And we found ourselves in a
gorgeous city made entirely of
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00:11:13,230 --> 00:11:16,699
crystal or something.
Yeah, and we were welcomed by
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00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:20,199
a group of people made up of
just all the races in the world
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00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,699
and they said, we are the
council of humanity, this is the
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00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:26,699
future.
It was so beautiful.
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00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:32,729
And you, miss Rafferty?
Yeah, a little different for
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00:11:32,730 --> 00:11:36,199
me, I must have been on the
wrong side of the portal or
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00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:42,459
something, because I wasn't so
much welcomed to the future as I
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00:11:42,460 --> 00:11:47,899
was violently sucked a million
years into the past.
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I went to caveman times, man.
I got yanked so hard, my sweats
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00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:54,499
and my sneaks stayed in the
present.
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00:11:54,500 --> 00:12:00,059
So I land ass up face down in
the mud with my cooter and
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00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:04,259
tooter on full display.
And I'm thinking, "gosh, last
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00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:06,659
time I was in this position, I
got kicked out of Woodstock
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00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,599
'99."
and were there people there
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00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:15,559
to welcome you as well?
"People" is such a strong
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00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:19,059
word.
You know on the
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00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:22,929
evolution chart where you see
how the monkeys became human?
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00:12:22,930 --> 00:12:29,959
These guys hadn't hit the
halfway Mark yet.
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00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,729
Let's focus on what happened
in the future.
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00:12:32,730 --> 00:12:35,699
It was beautiful, I would
have wept but I was all cried
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00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:40,259
out from watching "nurse Jackie"
on showtime.
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00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:46,699
These two are walking around
wakanda, meanwhile, where I'm
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00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:56,759
at, it's the rise of the planet
of the apes, all 50 of these
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00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:03,059
hairy monkey people are rubbing
me with their butts.
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00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:07,859
It ain't exactly a tuscan
sunset.
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00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:12,359
Perhaps this was some sort of
primitive religious ritual?
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00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:16,299
Buddy, god had no part in
this.
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00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,599
They were marking me with their
scent.
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00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,529
And these guys weren't exactly
zestfully clean.
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00:13:22,530 --> 00:13:26,129
They zebra striped my t-shirt so
much, I looked like a foot
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00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:31,199
locker employee.
It's never easy making new
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00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,459
friends, right?
Noted.
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00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:36,999
And what happened next in the
future?
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00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,229
We was taken to this place
called the oculus and inside was
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00:13:40,230 --> 00:13:43,829
all these gateways to other
solar systems.
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Each one was a planet they
had colonized.
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00:13:47,030 --> 00:13:49,599
I couldn't believe I was chosen
to witness this.
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00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,429
I too was chosen.
Chosen by the Alpha female to be
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00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:56,759
her new girlfriend.
She comes at me like a
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00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,759
silverback, right?
Ragdolls me.
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00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:03,659
And look, I really ain't into
ladies but if nothing else is
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00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:09,299
open, I'll eat at a taco bell,
you smell what I'm saying?
191
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:13,659
Yes, I think I do.
So anyway, this gal wants to
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00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:17,129
bond, right?
Do you mind, Dex?
193
00:14:17,130 --> 00:14:21,099
She climbs on my back, right,
she starts picking at me,
194
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,399
looking for stuff to eat.
And unfortunately she's finding
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00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,759
a buffet.
So I guess the snack got her in
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00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,699
the mood because then she starts
like grinding into my head,
197
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,759
trying to mate with my hair, I
guess.
198
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,529
She's using my face for like a
handhold.
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00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:40,629
Then she goes back to eating,
climbs around the front and sees
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00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,959
my ear, which I guess she thinks
is some kind of vending machine
201
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:50,959
because she's just -- she's
candling.
202
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:58,029
But there ain't no wax.
Okay.
203
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:00,859
Then for the grand finale she
reaches down, she pops a finger
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00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:07,159
up her keester, and I'm like,
hey, curious Georgina, last
205
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,829
person to try that never saw his
wedding ring again.
206
00:15:10,830 --> 00:15:15,799
Yes.
Thank you for that.
207
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,999
No problem.
And thank you, Dex.
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00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,359
Your jeans rug burned my
neck.
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00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,729
I got bushed, smushed by a
cave woman.
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00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:29,829
You'll live.
Now, how were you all brought
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00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:33,529
back to the present?
Umm, well, the portal opened
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00:15:33,530 --> 00:15:37,329
up, and the council said when
fear is replaced by trust, your
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00:15:37,330 --> 00:15:40,159
world will begin to change.
So then we were home.
214
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,159
Yeah.
It was the most amazing thing
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00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,499
that's ever happened to me.
Right up there with getting that
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00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,399
email that said you've been
selected for a free month of the
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00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:49,799
showtime channel.
See, that's piss in my
218
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:53,499
porridge because when I dove in
the portal to get home, still
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00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:58,829
pantsless, mind you, I landed
downward dog in a grand Hyatt
220
00:15:58,830 --> 00:16:02,759
casino with my bean burrito in
Barry levine's face.
221
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:07,529
Who is Barry levine?
A young man who will never
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00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,230
forget his bar mitzvah.
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00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:18,999
We would like to take you all
for a medical exam.
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00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,300
[ Cheers and applause ]
225
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:40,929
Game of thrones, it's my
favorite show.
226
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:45,229
Houses, lots of wine, a big ass
wall, never miss an episode.
227
00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:49,259
I didn't know you like game
of thrones.
228
00:16:49,260 --> 00:16:51,359
I don't really like to talk
about my personal life.
229
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:56,799
I don't like that attention.
Okay.
230
00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:01,329
Never miss an episode, I assume
some crows.
231
00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,759
Pete, this is my friend gray
worm.
232
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:08,429
Oh, hey, what's up, man?
Did you say your last name is
233
00:17:08,430 --> 00:17:11,199
worm?
You know nothing, Pete
234
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,759
Davidson.
I'm a penis.
235
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,599
You don't have to do a rap
about game of thrones just
236
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,159
because it's the most popular
show in the world right now.
237
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,159
What are you saying, if I'm
going to do an epic rap song for
238
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:26,259
the finale, it should be about a
TV show I like?
239
00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:30,399
I don't think you should do a
rap at all.
240
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:34,699
My favorite TV show is Gracie
and Frankie.
241
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,859
Why?
One of the first ones to be
242
00:17:37,860 --> 00:17:42,899
off of five seasons, sweet old
ladies is the reason.
243
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:49,199
You better grab a hanky, that's
what I'm talking about.
244
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,799
Grace and franky.
Dj khaled.
245
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,859
We the best.
Better than game of thrones.
246
00:17:56,860 --> 00:18:01,899
Let me catch you up a little
bit on the smash hit, the
247
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:05,999
options, ain't that classic.
This is getting expensive.
248
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,429
You don't know what you're
missing, Craig t. Nelson, Ernie
249
00:18:10,430 --> 00:18:13,729
Hudson.
They're both like 80 something,
250
00:18:13,730 --> 00:18:15,899
riding hot air balloons like
it's nothing.
251
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:19,299
It sure is something.
Grace and Frankie.
252
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,799
They're different but they're
friends.
253
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:27,659
It's a nice show.
Dj khaled.
254
00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:29,529
I changed it.
Now you just rap about whatever
255
00:18:29,530 --> 00:18:33,659
your favorite TV show is.
Any show I want?
256
00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:39,859
My favorite TV show is mother
[ Bleep ] grace and Frankie.
257
00:18:39,860 --> 00:18:43,729
Season 4 is guest starring Lisa
kudrow.
258
00:18:43,730 --> 00:18:47,799
Two graces are unusual.
Things starting cracking, grace
259
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,299
had that scooter accident.
That's the tip of the iceberg.
260
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:58,159
Grace and Frankie.
Remember, when he had that sleep
261
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,829
apnea?
That was crazy.
262
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:06,999
Frankie was sick and grace
might [ Bleep ] Mary Nick.
263
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,659
Grace and Frankie, best in the
game.
264
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:11,530
Dj khaled.
React.
265
00:19:11,531 --> 00:19:14,299
I got a dragon you can sit on
right here.
266
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:16,060
All right.
267
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:31,199
It's time to play "what's
wrong with this picture."
268
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,829
[ Applause ]
Hello, everybody, I'm your host
269
00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:35,499
Elliott pants.
Welcome to another round of
270
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,059
what's wrong with this picture.
The rules are simple.
271
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:40,599
All you got to do is look at a
picture, tell me what's wrong
272
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,659
with it.
If you're right, you might win a
273
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:49,459
Toyota beef.
The first car for thick boys.
274
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:50,929
Contestants, are you ready to
play?
275
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:53,899
Gina?
Yes, daddy.
276
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:57,129
I don't like that.
Steven.
277
00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,899
I didn't come here to make
friends, but I would like it to
278
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,599
happen.
Okay.
279
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,499
Louis?
What's up?
280
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:09,659
I'm introducing you.
Oh, thank you.
281
00:20:09,660 --> 00:20:12,159
Okay.
I guess this is who is available
282
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,429
at 2:00 P.M. on a weekday.
Let's go to your first puzzle.
283
00:20:16,430 --> 00:20:19,329
Who can tell me what's wrong
with this picture?
284
00:20:19,330 --> 00:20:21,959
There's something very wrong
with this picture.
285
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,229
Can you spot it?
Oh, I got it.
286
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:28,429
They're siblings who know they
shouldn't have kissed.
287
00:20:28,430 --> 00:20:30,429
What?
No.
288
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:33,659
That's not close.
Oh, man.
289
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:35,459
Louis.
Her hair has too many shrimps
290
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:40,159
in it.
I'm sorry.
291
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:44,329
Did you say shrimp?
By her ears are shrimp.
292
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,499
No, those are her pig tails.
Yeah.
293
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,599
That's not shrimp.
Getting a little worried about
294
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,059
this.
Gina.
295
00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:53,129
He's pointing at her butt
door and explaining its
296
00:20:53,130 --> 00:20:57,929
features.
No.
297
00:20:57,930 --> 00:21:01,629
Something in this picture is
physically impossible.
298
00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:04,959
They're gay.
What?
299
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,859
Boys and girls can't be gay
on each other.
300
00:21:06,860 --> 00:21:09,829
That don't work.
Has to be the same.
301
00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:12,729
No.
I'll give you a hint.
302
00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:15,029
Something is missing in the
picture.
303
00:21:15,030 --> 00:21:18,899
Louis.
Love.
304
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:23,529
Plus the knockers behind them
don't have nipples.
305
00:21:23,530 --> 00:21:27,729
Okay.
That's a bush.
306
00:21:27,730 --> 00:21:32,759
That's inappropriate.
Can you really not see it?
307
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,559
The swing is missing a rope.
Then why are they smiling?
308
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,929
Because his jeans leave very
little to the imagination and
309
00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:44,699
they like that.
Well, that made me angry.
310
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:46,829
All right.
Here is your next picture.
311
00:21:46,830 --> 00:21:47,899
Gina.
Yeah, I got it.
312
00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:53,429
She's 4 years old but the
boobies grew too fast.
313
00:21:53,430 --> 00:21:57,729
Oh, my god, no.
The twins are in the fish
314
00:21:57,730 --> 00:22:00,829
tank and she can't get out.
That is not a fish tank, that
315
00:22:00,830 --> 00:22:05,459
is a mirror.
Then where are all the fish?
316
00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:08,159
I hate you.
Steven.
317
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,459
Oh, I see it now.
The answer is she just did
318
00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:15,399
blackface and got away with it.
The only problem is she got the
319
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,030
job.
Now what?
320
00:22:16,031 --> 00:22:19,559
No.
Now, stop it.
321
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:20,599
The reflection is wearing a
belt.
322
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:25,659
It's wearing a belt.
All right, next.
323
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:28,229
Oh, I know.
Her chair is empty because she
324
00:22:28,230 --> 00:22:31,359
just got raptured.
But once she got up there, god
325
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:34,599
did a twirl and his robe flew up
and she thinks she saw his
326
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:40,259
thing.
Gross!
327
00:22:40,260 --> 00:22:41,929
Wrong.
The objects come to life at
328
00:22:41,930 --> 00:22:45,699
night but the only problem is
they're poor.
329
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:49,499
For the love of --
that computer has a virus and
330
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:55,029
I hate to tell you but it's
aids.
331
00:22:55,030 --> 00:22:58,159
Uh, are you okay, Mr. Pant?
No.
332
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:01,659
And it's pants.
Look at that.
333
00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:08,829
What is that?
A date tent?
334
00:23:08,830 --> 00:23:13,599
That is not a tent.
There is no such thing as June
335
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:14,230
31st.
Okay.
336
00:23:14,231 --> 00:23:16,699
We're doing exactly one more of
these.
337
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:22,099
What's wrong with this picture?
Oh, she's wearing
338
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:23,129
rollerblades instead of ice
skates.
339
00:23:23,130 --> 00:23:31,799
Oh, my god, that's right.
And I think it's my wife.
340
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:36,299
Can I say hi?
That is a drawing.
341
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,899
This has been what's wrong with
this picture.
342
00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:42,929
What are you doing?
We got to start screening
343
00:23:42,930 --> 00:23:55,229
these people.
[ Cheers and applause ]
344
00:23:55,230 --> 00:23:57,929
Ladies and gentlemen,
dj khaled.
345
00:23:57,930 --> 00:24:01,059
[ Cheers and applause ]
They were saying I would
346
00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:03,659
never do "SNL."
So I'm doing "SNL" season
347
00:24:03,660 --> 00:24:05,759
finale.
Another one.
348
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,499
♪ Jealous jealous ♪
put your hands in the sky
349
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:14,099
like this.
Make some noise for Lil Wayne.
350
00:24:14,100 --> 00:24:17,229
♪ You mad or you jealous
you sad or you settle
351
00:24:17,230 --> 00:24:19,829
the brighter the rainbow
the badder the weather ♪
352
00:24:19,830 --> 00:24:22,429
♪ the good with the bad
but the badder the better
353
00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:25,559
bring my sand to the beach
and to the desert ♪
354
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,199
♪ we fell from the heavens
we landed like feathers
355
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,229
the roads and the rubble
keep your nose ♪
356
00:24:29,230 --> 00:24:31,299
♪ out of petals
your -- know my schedule
357
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:33,399
and my -- know I'm special
they know not to question ♪
358
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,999
♪ you know I'm not Alexa
she post a pic of me and
359
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,599
her from off her iPad
you know them ♪
360
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,699
♪ don't like that
where the likes at
361
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:42,759
jealousy is a disease
you can die man ♪
362
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:50,659
♪ tunchi, Sean, c.B.
Khaled have that ♪
363
00:24:50,660 --> 00:24:55,499
♪ I need some loving ♪
♪
364
00:24:55,500 --> 00:25:02,129
Hands like this and shake it.
♪ and I'm the one
365
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:03,699
don't let no one
change your mind
366
00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:05,259
girl they just jealous ♪
♪ jealous jealous
367
00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:07,329
don't want us
together-gether-gether
368
00:25:07,330 --> 00:25:08,899
girl they just jealous ♪
♪ jealous jealous
369
00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:10,999
don't want us
together-gether-gether
370
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,599
these jealous jealous ♪
♪ I can't relate to
371
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,229
the type to follow you
but hardly follow through
372
00:25:14,230 --> 00:25:16,199
you say I'm on your mind ♪
♪ I'm wondering why
373
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,759
I'm not on you
girl you fresh
374
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,459
out the shower ♪
♪ towel around your head
375
00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:21,029
like you're erykah badu
it's lookin' like a spa day
376
00:25:21,030 --> 00:25:22,499
I'm re-arranging chakras ♪
♪ listenin' to sade
377
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,099
let's take a road trip and
get high on the highway
378
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:26,099
migrate spend time ♪
♪ laid back watch
379
00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:27,659
the sky change
whoa
380
00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,229
and I hear the jealousy ♪
♪ but look I never listen
381
00:25:29,230 --> 00:25:31,829
the quickest way to let
something die is
382
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:33,399
lack of attention ♪
♪ and you got it all
383
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,429
you lookin' good
as my intentions
384
00:25:34,430 --> 00:25:37,599
we on an ascension ♪
♪ straight up
385
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:44,899
another one.
I go by the name of dj khaled,
386
00:25:44,900 --> 00:25:46,959
father of asahd.
And tonight we make more
387
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:51,299
history.
It's we the best music.
388
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:54,429
It's rock nation.
It's
389
00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:57,129
epic records.
Everything I love.
390
00:25:57,130 --> 00:26:04,129
Make some noise for jeremih.
Dj khaled.
391
00:26:04,130 --> 00:26:17,199
♪ Why oh, why ♪
♪ cry every night ♪
392
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,799
Make some noise for meek Milly.
♪ I don't know how you do it
393
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,959
but you did it
I'll admit it
394
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,499
and who am I to be a ♪
♪ critic and tell
395
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,059
you different
you know I never
396
00:26:27,060 --> 00:26:28,729
speak on that ♪
♪ it's not my business
397
00:26:28,730 --> 00:26:30,729
but I could tell you
that his level's
398
00:26:30,730 --> 00:26:32,259
no competition ♪
♪ and I'm optimistic that
399
00:26:32,260 --> 00:26:34,459
I'm 'bout to hit it
and um, I can tell you've
400
00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:36,429
been crying in ♪
♪ Honda civics
401
00:26:36,430 --> 00:26:38,529
because I caught you slipping
left you no choice
402
00:26:38,530 --> 00:26:40,099
you ever cry again ♪
♪ it's gon' be
403
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:42,729
in a rolls Royce
I wipe your face with them
404
00:26:42,730 --> 00:26:44,299
new hundreds to ♪
♪ make your tears dry
405
00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:45,859
hitting it on a jet
this ain't no red eye
406
00:26:45,860 --> 00:26:48,459
got you chasing dreams ♪
♪ and it ain't even bedtime
407
00:26:48,460 --> 00:26:50,659
and don't you dare bring up
your ex 'cause he a dead guy
408
00:26:50,660 --> 00:26:53,659
I wonder ♪
♪ why oh why
409
00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:55,729
oh why?
Do you ride
410
00:26:55,730 --> 00:26:57,299
do you stick by his side ♪
♪ if he makes you
411
00:26:57,300 --> 00:26:59,899
cry every night
girl I see the
412
00:26:59,900 --> 00:27:02,529
pain in your eyes ♪
♪ I don't know why
413
00:27:02,530 --> 00:27:07,729
oh why
you stay you stay oh
414
00:27:07,730 --> 00:27:09,829
you stay you stay ♪
make some noise for the
415
00:27:09,830 --> 00:27:13,999
little baby.
Acl, let's go.
416
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,559
♪ You give him
chance after chance
417
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,129
'cause you say maybe
one day he'll ♪
418
00:27:17,130 --> 00:27:18,429
♪ grow up and be a man
and lately you been pouring
419
00:27:18,430 --> 00:27:19,929
out your heart on the 'gram
but you been playing your ♪
420
00:27:19,930 --> 00:27:21,299
♪ part from the start
I understand
421
00:27:21,300 --> 00:27:23,399
I put carats on your hand
but see I'm one ♪
422
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,459
♪ of them bad guys
and I can't promise
423
00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,059
you the world
but I promise you'll be ♪
424
00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:29,129
♪ better than last time
as long as you're loyal
425
00:27:29,130 --> 00:27:31,229
you got a plan
I'll do more than spoil ♪
426
00:27:31,230 --> 00:27:33,299
♪ I'll be there
to support you
427
00:27:33,300 --> 00:27:35,359
drop top in the wintertime
whatever just to ♪
428
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:36,959
♪ see you smile
private jet from time to time
429
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,499
by the ocean
I'll drive you wild ♪
430
00:27:38,500 --> 00:27:40,059
♪ whatever your decision
I'm with it
431
00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:41,629
no asking why
I catch you ♪
432
00:27:41,630 --> 00:27:43,699
♪ slipping at all
you gon' be mine ♪
433
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:52,099
Make some noise for j balvin.
[ Singing in foregin language ]
434
00:27:52,100 --> 00:27:56,429
[ Speaking foreign language ]
♪ you stay you stay
435
00:27:56,430 --> 00:28:03,199
you stay you stay
you stay you ♪
436
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,829
♪ you stay you stay
you stay you stay
437
00:28:06,830 --> 00:28:17,159
think you're too loyal ♪
[ Speaking foreign language ]
438
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:23,559
♪ You stay you stay ♪
you stay you stay ♪
439
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:29,159
♪ I think you're too loyal ♪
summer starts now.
440
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,529
Summer starts now.
Summer starts now.
441
00:28:32,530 --> 00:28:33,460
[ Cheers and applause ]
442
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,829
Announcer: It's "weekend
update" with Colin jost and
443
00:28:37,830 --> 00:28:39,759
Michael che.
♪♪♪
444
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:53,499
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
445
00:28:53,500 --> 00:28:55,799
What's wrong with you?
Hey, stop it.
446
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:58,559
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to weekend update,
447
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,229
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
448
00:29:00,230 --> 00:29:04,299
This season of "SNL" started in
2018, but it looks like it's
449
00:29:04,300 --> 00:29:07,399
going to end up somewhere back
in the 1970s.
450
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,729
I mean, amid rising tensions
with Iran there were rumors that
451
00:29:09,730 --> 00:29:13,159
the White House is now sending
120 thousand more troops to the
452
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,229
middle east but don't worry,
President Trump set the record
453
00:29:16,230 --> 00:29:19,329
straight with this firm and
reassuring message.
454
00:29:19,330 --> 00:29:22,359
Mr. President are we going to
war with Iran?
455
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:28,999
I hope not.
You know it's up to you,
456
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:33,859
right?
You don't have to outsource this
457
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:39,029
decision to John Bolton, the
islamophobic lorax.
458
00:29:39,030 --> 00:29:42,059
And now lawmakers for both sides
of the aisle are demanding more
459
00:29:42,060 --> 00:29:44,859
information on what exactly the
Iran threat even is.
460
00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:47,499
So far the only evidence the
administration has provided is
461
00:29:47,500 --> 00:29:53,999
this disturbing image.
China retaliated to president
462
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:58,659
Trump's tariffs by imposing
their own tariffs on products
463
00:29:58,660 --> 00:30:02,199
the U.S. sells to China.
What the hell do we sell to
464
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:04,799
China besides marvel movies and
credit card debt?
465
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:08,029
I've never been to China but I
have been to Chinatown.
466
00:30:08,030 --> 00:30:11,459
And one thing I can tell you is
that anything we have, they can
467
00:30:11,460 --> 00:30:14,759
just make for themselves.
All they got to do is change one
468
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:20,559
letter and sell a billion abble
watches.
469
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,829
Jared kushner and Stephen
Miller who both have resting
470
00:30:23,830 --> 00:30:27,999
evil face, have spent months
together working on the Trump
471
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,459
administration's new immigration
plan.
472
00:30:30,460 --> 00:30:34,299
What I would not give to be a
fly on that wall, watching all
473
00:30:34,300 --> 00:30:39,199
the other flies swarm around
their master.
474
00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,159
And in a plan backed by the
Trump administration, NASA has
475
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:46,629
announced it will send the first
woman to the moon by 2024.
476
00:30:46,630 --> 00:30:53,199
Unfortunately it's against her
will.
477
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:58,059
It's a plan they're referring to
as launch her up.
478
00:30:58,060 --> 00:31:01,599
Actress Alyssa Milano has
called on women to go on a sex
479
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,959
strike to protest restrictive
new abortion laws.
480
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:08,429
Look, I support that, but I just
don't think these republican
481
00:31:08,430 --> 00:31:12,399
senators are getting Alyssa
Milano level sex at home.
482
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:15,129
I bet if their wives said, I'm
on a sex strike, they would be
483
00:31:15,130 --> 00:31:17,799
like, cool, I'll be at the
airport men's room, don't wait
484
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:23,159
up for me.
Up for me.
485
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:27,529
Fox news host jeanine pirro
has lost up to 20% of her
486
00:31:27,530 --> 00:31:30,029
advertisers since making
controversial comments about a
487
00:31:30,030 --> 00:31:31,999
Muslim congresswoman.
Here to comment is jeanine
488
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:38,959
pirro.
Hello, I'm judge
489
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:44,129
jeanine pirro, and here I
just want to thank the brave
490
00:31:44,130 --> 00:31:45,599
sponsors who stuck with me
despite accusations by the
491
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:50,359
radical loony left.
To companies like Jeep I say,
492
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:56,129
thank you.
And to mitsubishi I say, domo
493
00:31:56,130 --> 00:32:01,359
arigato.
Sorry Daniel-San, looks like
494
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:04,959
wax off.
You don't have to be so loud,
495
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,129
cause I can hear you.
No can do, buddy.
496
00:32:08,130 --> 00:32:11,229
20 years ago I yelled at a
waiter because my Cobb salad had
497
00:32:11,230 --> 00:32:14,529
a cranberry in it.
And now I'm locked at this
498
00:32:14,530 --> 00:32:18,399
volume every day for the rest of
my life.
499
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,799
It's rumored that fox has
only kept you on the air because
500
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,459
Donald Trump personally called
the network on your behalf.
501
00:32:24,460 --> 00:32:29,059
That's because Donald Trump
is a class act.
502
00:32:29,060 --> 00:32:32,759
He is the Michael Jordan of
presidents and the Wesley snipes
503
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,559
of taxes.
He's a wiz in the boardroom, and
504
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:41,959
sometimes wizzes a little in the
bedroom.
505
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,329
Jeanine, I hate to ask this,
but have you been drinking?
506
00:32:45,330 --> 00:32:47,299
Colin, I haven't been
drinking.
507
00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:55,359
I currently am drinking.
I vow to enjoy a drink every
508
00:32:55,360 --> 00:33:03,199
time President Trump ignores a
congressional subpoena.
509
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:08,859
And let me tell, mama is a
lizard.
510
00:33:08,860 --> 00:33:12,899
Despite Trump's stonewalling,
it's likely Robert Mueller will
511
00:33:12,900 --> 00:33:13,860
testify before congress.
What!
512
00:33:13,861 --> 00:33:25,029
Colin, look.
That's terrible idea.
513
00:33:25,030 --> 00:33:27,099
The report is done.
Case closed.
514
00:33:27,100 --> 00:33:30,659
Senor Mueller has spoken, and he
said, no hablo collusion man.
515
00:33:30,660 --> 00:33:33,759
Well, I'm going to let you
finish before I say the next
516
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,799
part.
Okay.
517
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,529
Okay.
So, the democrats could make him
518
00:33:37,530 --> 00:33:39,459
testify if they start
impeachment proceedings.
519
00:33:39,460 --> 00:33:46,059
What!
Colin Jessica jost, impeachment
520
00:33:46,060 --> 00:33:50,159
would be crazy.
Okay?
521
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:56,559
That is the last resort of the
loopy loco left who hate this
522
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,459
president and his sick Mac daddy
energy.
523
00:33:59,460 --> 00:34:01,929
What the hell are you talking
about?
524
00:34:01,930 --> 00:34:06,759
I don't think that's the case
because, look, I'm sorry that
525
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:10,399
your drink is gone before I say
this.
526
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:15,559
Brood bloody Mary.
No, no, no, I got an extra
527
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,659
one.
Why would you have an extra
528
00:34:17,660 --> 00:34:25,329
drink?
Thank you, thank you, kenan.
529
00:34:25,330 --> 00:34:29,099
[ Laughter ]
What a nice guy.
530
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:32,629
Funny, too.
So by ignoring
531
00:34:32,630 --> 00:34:35,859
the subpoenas, I'm just going to
hold your arm right here for a
532
00:34:35,860 --> 00:34:38,099
second, by ignoring the
subpoenas, Trump might actually
533
00:34:38,100 --> 00:34:40,599
give democrats more reason to
impeach.
534
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:45,329
What!
No!
535
00:34:45,330 --> 00:34:53,529
No!
Colin!
536
00:34:53,530 --> 00:35:00,329
I'm so wet.
Jeanine pirro, everyone.
537
00:35:00,330 --> 00:35:02,699
[ Cheers and applause ]
Free Morrissey.
538
00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:08,099
Free Morrissey.
It was reported that more
539
00:35:08,100 --> 00:35:11,429
than 400 million pieces of
plastic have been found washed
540
00:35:11,430 --> 00:35:13,959
up on the shores of a remote
island in the Indian ocean.
541
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:15,559
For reference, here is what 400
million pieces of plastic look
542
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:20,259
like.
[ Laughter ]
543
00:35:20,260 --> 00:35:30,259
[ Applause ]
Comedian prince rock is
544
00:35:30,260 --> 00:35:37,159
teaming up with lionsgate for a
new "saw" which I am assuming
545
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:43,129
will be called "seent."
That's a fun joke.
546
00:35:43,130 --> 00:35:46,859
A new survey ranks the Boston
accent as one of the sexiest
547
00:35:46,860 --> 00:35:51,459
accents in America.
But keep in mind, the survey was
548
00:35:51,460 --> 00:35:58,029
conducted by catastrophic
hearing loss magazine.
549
00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,429
Conservatives are upset over a
new episode of the pbs
550
00:36:00,430 --> 00:36:03,299
children's cartoon Arthur in
which Arthur's teacher is
551
00:36:03,300 --> 00:36:06,399
revealed to be gay.
Meanwhile no one seems to care
552
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:16,999
that pepa pig's head is a
full-on penis.
553
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,629
Tonight is the last show of the
season, and che and I have
554
00:36:19,630 --> 00:36:22,129
decided that our end of the year
gifts to each other would be
555
00:36:22,130 --> 00:36:23,559
jokes.
Yeah.
556
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:27,399
So we're making each other read
jokes live on air that the other
557
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,729
person has never seen before.
Yeah.
558
00:36:29,730 --> 00:36:35,659
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
559
00:36:35,660 --> 00:36:39,529
And the idea, Michael, isn't
to try to sabotage each other.
560
00:36:39,530 --> 00:36:41,299
It's to just give over here fun
jokes.
561
00:36:41,300 --> 00:36:45,559
Uh-huh.
Why don't you go first?
562
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:48,759
Okay.
Yeah.
563
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:52,529
A student in Texas who is
nicknamed white lightning set a
564
00:36:52,530 --> 00:36:56,559
high school record by running
the hundred-meter dash in 9.98
565
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:59,159
second.
Coincidentally, people call me
566
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:03,259
white lightning because I also
finish in under ten seconds.
567
00:37:03,260 --> 00:37:12,599
[ Cheers and applause ]
Doctors in Iowa have
568
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:16,559
confirmed a dog disease that can
be passed on to humans.
569
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:28,599
Fine, I'll wear a condom.
A new report finds that as
570
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:33,299
people move into formerly wild
areas of Africa, human activity
571
00:37:33,300 --> 00:37:35,859
is disrupting chimpanzee
culture.
572
00:37:35,860 --> 00:37:40,929
Incidentally, chimpanzee culture
is also what my grandpa calls
573
00:37:40,930 --> 00:37:45,599
hip-hop.
Why?
574
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:53,229
Whoa.
I wouldn't have said that.
575
00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:57,099
Pope Francis ended a Vatican
summit by promising the catholic
576
00:37:57,100 --> 00:38:00,999
church would confront the clergy
sex abuse head-on.
577
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:13,159
Instead of their usual way, face
down, ass up.
578
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:21,299
Come on.
This will be good.
579
00:38:21,300 --> 00:38:23,429
I'm sure.
A substitute teacher in north
580
00:38:23,430 --> 00:38:26,459
Carolina has resigned after she
reportedly told a class of
581
00:38:26,460 --> 00:38:30,129
elementary students that Martin
Luther king Jr. killed himself.
582
00:38:30,130 --> 00:38:33,529
In her defense, he is the one
who decided to keep running his
583
00:38:33,530 --> 00:38:41,359
mouth.
Why!
584
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:46,559
You're going to get me murdered.
You're going to get me murdered.
585
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:48,459
Well, this is a terrible
transition.
586
00:38:48,460 --> 00:38:53,099
This week Alabama passed a near
total ban on abortion.
587
00:38:53,100 --> 00:38:56,499
And what many say is part of a
larger effort to overturn roe v.
588
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:57,460
Wade.
Here to comment is our own
589
00:38:57,461 --> 00:39:17,929
Leslie Jones.
Are you in a "handmaid's tale"
590
00:39:17,930 --> 00:39:23,029
outfit?
We are all handmaids now so
591
00:39:23,030 --> 00:39:27,559
my name is of jost.
Leslie, I don't think society
592
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:29,499
is quite there yet.
No?
593
00:39:29,500 --> 00:39:34,999
You would think that, right?
You would really think that, but
594
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:36,399
this is how it starts.
I'm not living my life when I
595
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,799
see on the news a bunch of
states are trying to ban
596
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:42,699
abortion, and then tell me what
I can and can't do with my body.
597
00:39:42,700 --> 00:39:45,399
Next thing you know, I'm in
Starbucks, and they won't take
598
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,999
my credit card because I'm a
woman instead of the regular
599
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:52,359
reason, which is why I don't
have no money on it.
600
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:55,559
What made me really mad was
seeing the 25 Alabama senators
601
00:39:55,560 --> 00:40:00,799
who voted for the abortion ban.
Throw that picture up.
602
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,729
Mm-hmm.
Look at them.
603
00:40:03,730 --> 00:40:07,759
All men.
[ Audience reacts ]
604
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:14,159
This looks like the casting call
for of a Lipitor commercial.
605
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:17,059
This looks like the mug shots of
everyone arrested at a massage
606
00:40:17,060 --> 00:40:22,899
parlor.
And if any of them had lips, I
607
00:40:22,900 --> 00:40:26,199
would tell them to kiss my
entire ass.
608
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:37,229
You can't control women.
You can't control women.
609
00:40:37,230 --> 00:40:39,899
Because I don't know if you
heard, but women are the same as
610
00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:46,329
humans.
[ Applause ]
611
00:40:46,330 --> 00:40:49,759
And I'm Leslie dracarys Jones.
I mean,
612
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,899
why do all you weird ass men
care about what women choose to
613
00:40:52,900 --> 00:40:59,029
do with their bodies anyway?
I don't care what you do with
614
00:40:59,030 --> 00:41:02,229
your 65-year-old droopy ass
ball.
615
00:41:02,230 --> 00:41:06,629
And how is Alabama's woman
governor going along with this?
616
00:41:06,630 --> 00:41:17,659
What?
Me, I'm re bell I couldn't say.
617
00:41:17,660 --> 00:41:20,699
Don't take away my choice to
have a bad morning.
618
00:41:20,700 --> 00:41:23,959
When women have a Joyce, women
have freedom.
619
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:34,729
[ Cheers and applause ]
You tell 'em, Leslie.
620
00:41:34,730 --> 00:41:49,399
Shut up!
You flat white privileged latte.
621
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:53,159
Look, the fact that nine states
are doing this means this really
622
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:56,559
is a war on women.
And if you're a woman out there
623
00:41:56,560 --> 00:42:00,599
and you feel scared or confused,
just know that you're not alone.
624
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,629
There are so many women out
there that got your back,
625
00:42:02,630 --> 00:42:14,929
especially me.
Leslie dracarys bad bitch Jones.
626
00:42:14,930 --> 00:42:17,259
You can't tell me what to do
with my body.
627
00:42:17,260 --> 00:42:20,159
You can't make me small or put
me in a box.
628
00:42:20,160 --> 00:42:26,399
I'm 6 feet tall and 233 pounds.
Ain't no box big enough to hold
629
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:28,659
me.
And I know because one time I
630
00:42:28,660 --> 00:42:33,329
tried to mail myself to a dude.
Leslie Jones, everyone.
631
00:42:33,330 --> 00:42:37,960
>>
632
00:42:44,330 --> 00:42:46,359
What a beautiful antiques
store.
633
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:50,099
Honey, look at this old sign.
It says I only drink on days
634
00:42:50,100 --> 00:42:52,359
that start with "t."
Tuesday, Thursday, today,
635
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:55,729
tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday.
That's hilarious.
636
00:42:55,730 --> 00:42:57,859
We probably don't need that
since you're not drinking
637
00:42:57,860 --> 00:42:59,829
anymore.
Oh, right.
638
00:42:59,830 --> 00:43:01,599
You do remember that
conversation?
639
00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:06,099
Yeah, sure.
Hey, look what Emily found.
640
00:43:06,100 --> 00:43:07,999
Look!
Oh, look, it's a music box
641
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:12,359
with a ballerina on top.
My grandmother had one of these.
642
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:14,399
Oh, that's a wonderful
choice.
643
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,229
They don't make them like that
anymore.
644
00:43:16,230 --> 00:43:18,459
And very affordable.
Our daughter just started
645
00:43:18,460 --> 00:43:21,829
ballet lessons.
She's not very good.
646
00:43:21,830 --> 00:43:24,959
$60, I don't know.
Wind the bottom and she'll
647
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:30,799
dance for you.
♪♪♪
648
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:32,129
Wow.
Don't you wish you could dance
649
00:43:32,130 --> 00:43:35,529
like that, sweetie?
The song is so pretty.
650
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,329
Do you know the name of it?
Of course.
651
00:43:37,330 --> 00:43:41,659
It's "fancy party."
"Fancy party," I don't know
652
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:43,299
that.
Sure you do.
653
00:43:43,300 --> 00:43:46,359
It's a famous old beautiful
song.
654
00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:53,359
Wind it again, let's see if I
remember the words.
655
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:57,429
♪ It started, the fancy party's
finally getting started ♪
656
00:43:57,430 --> 00:44:07,699
♪ nothing can go wrong, owe
wait, I farted, now my whole
657
00:44:07,700 --> 00:44:11,259
world will never be the same ♪
that's "fancy party."
658
00:44:11,260 --> 00:44:13,329
Hold on.
The song is about a ballerina
659
00:44:13,330 --> 00:44:16,659
having gas at a party?
That's right.
660
00:44:16,660 --> 00:44:19,959
And the catastrophic effect it
has on her life, relationships
661
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:23,799
and dancing career.
That's not real.
662
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:26,399
Sure it is.
Your grandmother probably sang
663
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:27,829
it to you while you went to
sleep.
664
00:44:27,830 --> 00:44:31,559
Wind it again, you'll remember.
♪♪♪
665
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:39,429
♪ I beefed one, they hired me
for dancing, then I beefed one ♪
666
00:44:39,430 --> 00:44:42,829
♪ it was oh, so very long and
not a brief one ♪
667
00:44:42,830 --> 00:44:46,129
♪ because I beefed one ♪
♪ now this whole fancy party
668
00:44:46,130 --> 00:44:49,099
knows my name ♪
wait, I do know this.
669
00:44:49,100 --> 00:44:52,099
>>.
♪ I gave them quite a scare when
670
00:44:52,100 --> 00:44:58,759
I jumped up in the air and out a
fruity rooty came ♪
671
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:02,459
I knew you knew it.
♪ I'm sorry if you're eating but
672
00:45:02,460 --> 00:45:07,499
my tights just took a beating
and now I fear I'll never dance
673
00:45:07,500 --> 00:45:10,499
again ♪
♪ I farted ♪
674
00:45:10,500 --> 00:45:16,699
I was just passing by and
heard "fancy party."
675
00:45:16,700 --> 00:45:22,029
♪♪♪
♪ now the party has sadly
676
00:45:22,030 --> 00:45:30,959
departed because I farted ♪
♪ that's just how it goes ♪
677
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:34,629
Sing it again.
Let's do it.
678
00:45:34,630 --> 00:45:36,859
Oh, know.
Did I break it?
679
00:45:36,860 --> 00:45:40,899
What have you done?
What have you done?
680
00:45:40,900 --> 00:45:42,229
It wasn't one of a kind, was
it?
681
00:45:42,230 --> 00:45:50,029
Surely there are more.
Please, please.
682
00:45:50,030 --> 00:45:53,329
And that's a twilight zone.
♪♪♪
683
00:45:53,330 --> 00:45:56,630
[ Cheers and applause ]
684
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:06,299
Announcer: You're watching
"the view."
685
00:46:06,300 --> 00:46:08,299
Can you believe they're not
mic'd?
686
00:46:08,300 --> 00:46:11,299
Hello, hello.
This is "the view," the most
687
00:46:11,300 --> 00:46:13,959
high stakes brunch on
television.
688
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:17,799
I'm whoopie goldberg.
Later today we'll be talking
689
00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:22,959
about dinosaurs, are they just
silly?
690
00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:27,559
Alabama passed a near total ban
on abortion.
691
00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:31,899
We're about to pop off.
We'll start with Amy huntsman.
692
00:46:31,900 --> 00:46:34,899
Thanks, whoop, it's Abby but
I can change it.
693
00:46:34,900 --> 00:46:36,999
They're calling this the war on
women.
694
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,529
I don't think women should
fight.
695
00:46:38,530 --> 00:46:41,499
I think women should be best
friends like us.
696
00:46:41,500 --> 00:46:44,959
Right, joy?
Yeah, sure, sweetie.
697
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:47,459
Listen, I want to talk about the
guys who passed this bill.
698
00:46:47,460 --> 00:46:50,729
Maybe they're so concerned about
what happens to a six-week-old
699
00:46:50,730 --> 00:46:53,599
fetus because they all look like
one.
700
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:56,629
Blobby nothings with beady eyes
and big foreheads.
701
00:46:56,630 --> 00:47:02,959
They're like, oh, my god, it's
me.
702
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,799
This law is backwards.
It is regressive.
703
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,929
It is texting your ex, honey,
you don't want to do that.
704
00:47:08,930 --> 00:47:13,559
It's backwards, it's regressive.
Oh, no, I'm skipping.
705
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:18,459
Okay, can I talk now?
Okay, I am the only daughter at
706
00:47:18,460 --> 00:47:22,899
this table.
So I have to say, these senators
707
00:47:22,900 --> 00:47:27,199
are actually very good and fun
guys so I am spending love to
708
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:31,229
Clyde Chambliss and garland
gujer.
709
00:47:31,230 --> 00:47:33,999
And those are all real names,
okay?
710
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,799
Please, please, guys, let me
talk.
711
00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:39,759
No one else is talking.
Okay.
712
00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:43,259
You see, and I'm getting
attacked, and as the person most
713
00:47:43,260 --> 00:47:47,459
upset right now, I am right.
We got a live wire.
714
00:47:47,460 --> 00:47:50,899
Anything's going to set her off.
What, what?
715
00:47:50,900 --> 00:47:55,499
Down, down.
No, down!
716
00:47:55,500 --> 00:47:58,859
Our guest today is one of the
many democrats running for
717
00:47:58,860 --> 00:48:01,299
president.
He's also the youngest.
718
00:48:01,300 --> 00:48:03,699
Please give it up for Pete
buttigieg.
719
00:48:03,700 --> 00:48:06,499
♪♪♪
[ Applause ]
720
00:48:06,500 --> 00:48:10,699
Hello.
Hi.
721
00:48:10,700 --> 00:48:13,599
How are you?
I'm ready to work.
722
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:20,629
See my exposed forearms?
Now, I hear when you grow up,
723
00:48:20,630 --> 00:48:23,059
you want to be president.
Well, I am grown up.
724
00:48:23,060 --> 00:48:28,799
Aww.
I may only be 37 years old
725
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:32,059
but I do feel like I represent
everyday Americans.
726
00:48:32,060 --> 00:48:35,199
I'm just a Harvard educated,
multilingual war veteran rhodes
727
00:48:35,200 --> 00:48:38,029
scholar.
I'm just like you.
728
00:48:38,030 --> 00:48:40,299
So young, so impressive.
Can you fix my phone?
729
00:48:40,300 --> 00:48:44,829
I got like 8,000 unread emails.
Look, ladies, I'm here to
730
00:48:44,830 --> 00:48:47,899
talk about issues, like climate
change.
731
00:48:47,900 --> 00:48:49,799
There you go, I fixed it.
Okay.
732
00:48:49,800 --> 00:48:53,029
You're my nephew.
My nephew for president.
733
00:48:53,030 --> 00:48:56,459
You have an unusual name.
How do you pronounce that?
734
00:48:56,460 --> 00:48:59,099
Pete.
Oh, okay.
735
00:48:59,100 --> 00:49:04,459
I was thinking pad thai like the
Japanese spaghetti.
736
00:49:04,460 --> 00:49:07,499
So you really think that
you're ready to be president?
737
00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:15,059
Am I ready?
[ Speaking foreign language ]
738
00:49:15,060 --> 00:49:17,959
And what was that last one?
A language I made up to speak
739
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:22,259
to gnomes.
I got to ask because I'm sure
740
00:49:22,260 --> 00:49:26,429
it's come up.
You're gay.
741
00:49:26,430 --> 00:49:30,459
That's not a question.
But I do want to say that I
742
00:49:30,460 --> 00:49:32,329
wouldn't be running for
president if I didn't believe
743
00:49:32,330 --> 00:49:35,829
America was ready to accept not
only a gay man but a boring gay
744
00:49:35,830 --> 00:49:39,899
man in the public eye.
I think I saw your husband
745
00:49:39,900 --> 00:49:41,929
backstage.
Bring him out.
746
00:49:41,930 --> 00:49:44,099
Oh, no, I'm here to talk
about my policies.
747
00:49:44,100 --> 00:49:48,659
Husband, husband!
Husband!
748
00:49:48,660 --> 00:49:56,429
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, I'm chasten buttigieg.
749
00:49:56,430 --> 00:50:02,129
He took the name buttigieg.
That's commitment, right?
750
00:50:02,130 --> 00:50:06,529
Ha ha ha, yes, be my friend
or I'll die.
751
00:50:06,530 --> 00:50:09,829
This is all so new to me.
Usually I'm just home with the
752
00:50:09,830 --> 00:50:11,629
dog.
You're gay and you have dogs?
753
00:50:11,630 --> 00:50:15,229
I love that.
I'm voting for you.
754
00:50:15,230 --> 00:50:19,259
Mayor Pete, we love you, we can
never forget about Joe biden.
755
00:50:19,260 --> 00:50:22,399
Take me to Delaware.
We love him.
756
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:28,659
My Prez.
Oh, Joe.
757
00:50:28,660 --> 00:50:40,729
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you like mercy from
758
00:50:40,730 --> 00:50:43,759
heaven's gate ♪
there's a freedom in your arms ♪
759
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:45,759
Thank you both for being
here.
760
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:52,129
Joy, you need to let me talk.
I have said nothing all day!
761
00:50:52,130 --> 00:50:54,399
What?
Not today, Satan.
762
00:50:54,400 --> 00:50:58,929
Coming up after the break,
prison reform and Elon musk
763
00:50:58,930 --> 00:51:02,059
teaches us to vape.
This is "the view."
764
00:51:02,060 --> 00:51:04,060
[ Cheers and applause ]
765
00:51:10,730 --> 00:51:18,499
Once again, dj khaled.
[ Cheers and applause ]
766
00:51:18,500 --> 00:51:23,659
Mama Assad.
Assad, my son.
767
00:51:23,660 --> 00:51:24,899
Everything for you.
It's "just us."
768
00:51:24,900 --> 00:51:27,499
Only us.
Another one.
769
00:51:27,500 --> 00:51:31,659
♪♪♪
hold up, hold up.
770
00:51:31,660 --> 00:51:42,799
Another one.
Put your hands in the sky like
771
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:55,429
this!
It's dj khaled!
772
00:51:55,430 --> 00:51:59,759
It's sza.
Another one.
773
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:01,999
Let's go.
Dj khaled.
774
00:52:02,000 --> 00:52:04,599
♪ Back against the wall
middle fingers in the air
775
00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:06,259
busting through the crowd
they gon' feel me now ♪
776
00:52:06,260 --> 00:52:07,729
♪ straight shooter
from the hip yeah
777
00:52:07,730 --> 00:52:09,799
we heavy in here
tell me get 'em ♪
778
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:11,359
♪ then I got 'em
get 'em
779
00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:13,429
99 problems but you ain't one
been so high lately ♪
780
00:52:13,430 --> 00:52:15,529
♪ I don't care
who's goin' down
781
00:52:15,530 --> 00:52:17,299
you could see it in my eyes
he been hitting it right ♪
782
00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:19,729
♪ got me wishing that
he wasn't oh no
783
00:52:19,730 --> 00:52:21,829
what we gon' do
and I need it all night ♪
784
00:52:21,830 --> 00:52:23,899
♪ will love show me
what it feels like
785
00:52:23,900 --> 00:52:25,999
I let you pull up on me
broad day light ♪
786
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:29,099
♪ shots over here
f the other side
787
00:52:29,100 --> 00:52:32,759
we don't gotta lay low
we grown ♪
788
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:34,429
♪ a field trip and
I don't need no chaperone
789
00:52:34,430 --> 00:52:41,629
I'm tryna get ghost
hands in the sky ♪
790
00:52:41,630 --> 00:52:43,699
♪ its just us
lets go
791
00:52:43,700 --> 00:52:45,229
oh oh
another one ♪
792
00:52:45,230 --> 00:52:46,829
♪ it's just us
against the world
793
00:52:46,830 --> 00:52:48,899
in this life of sin
ain't nobody gonna ♪
794
00:52:48,900 --> 00:52:50,499
♪ take us out
it's always us never them
795
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:54,129
it's just us
against the world ♪
796
00:52:54,130 --> 00:52:58,829
♪ when the smoke clears
all we got is all we got
797
00:52:58,830 --> 00:53:02,499
it's always us, never them ♪
♪ sing it like an angel
798
00:53:02,500 --> 00:53:09,759
I need ♪♪♪
lets take it to the streets.
799
00:53:09,760 --> 00:53:18,859
Lets take it to Philadelphia
streets.
800
00:53:18,860 --> 00:53:23,059
This deejay khaled.
This meek mill.
801
00:53:23,060 --> 00:53:29,959
"Saturday night live."
Top of the charts.
802
00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:31,999
Lets go.
Dj khaled.
803
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,529
♪ Drop top gone
drop top gone
804
00:53:33,530 --> 00:53:35,099
selling popcorn
selling popcorn ♪
805
00:53:35,100 --> 00:53:36,699
♪ I went from licks
to most wanted
806
00:53:36,700 --> 00:53:38,229
to the top of the Forbes ♪
♪ trek through the trenches
807
00:53:38,230 --> 00:53:39,299
trenches
I weather the storm
808
00:53:39,300 --> 00:53:41,359
storm ♪
♪ young living legend
809
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:42,929
I be on that -- that these --
ain't on
810
00:53:42,930 --> 00:53:44,499
these ain't on ♪
♪ I went to war
811
00:53:44,500 --> 00:53:46,059
with the system yeah
to give my son toys
812
00:53:46,060 --> 00:53:47,629
on Christmas yeah ♪
♪ probably won't give me
813
00:53:47,630 --> 00:53:49,159
no grammy yeah
putting awards on wishlist
814
00:53:49,160 --> 00:53:50,729
yeah ♪
♪ we had to kill
815
00:53:50,730 --> 00:53:52,299
just to make it out
we puttin' rewards on --
816
00:53:52,300 --> 00:53:53,859
lets go ♪
♪ live by the gun
817
00:53:53,860 --> 00:53:55,429
and we die about it
I'm praying the sword
818
00:53:55,430 --> 00:53:57,029
don't kill us ♪
♪ praying the lord
819
00:53:57,030 --> 00:53:58,599
forgive us
I'm going to war with killers
820
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:00,159
they put a bounty ♪
♪ on all on my dawgs
821
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:01,729
want 'em dead by morning
what else ♪
822
00:54:01,730 --> 00:54:03,299
♪ we took risks
to live like this
823
00:54:03,300 --> 00:54:04,859
ain't doing consignment
what else ♪
824
00:54:04,860 --> 00:54:06,429
♪ I brought my mama tears
and I turned 'em
825
00:54:06,430 --> 00:54:07,999
to vvs diamonds
lets go come on ♪
826
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:09,529
♪ I know you see me
on top of my game
827
00:54:09,530 --> 00:54:11,099
ain't see me declining
declining ♪
828
00:54:11,100 --> 00:54:12,659
♪ turned to a monster
the next time you saw me
829
00:54:12,660 --> 00:54:14,229
you seen I was climbing
what ♪
830
00:54:14,230 --> 00:54:15,929
♪ they took my elevator
I said I'm taking the steps
831
00:54:15,930 --> 00:54:17,359
steps
got me on bail ♪
832
00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:18,959
♪ they want me in jail
they say I'm a threat
833
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:20,459
what
fighting for freedom ♪
834
00:54:20,460 --> 00:54:22,029
♪ 11 years they been
taking my breath
835
00:54:22,030 --> 00:54:23,659
taking my breath
watching the feds ♪
836
00:54:23,660 --> 00:54:25,259
♪ take pictures
it been making me sweat
837
00:54:25,260 --> 00:54:26,759
makin' me sweat
tapping my phone ♪
838
00:54:26,760 --> 00:54:28,829
♪ taking my rights
and making 'em wrong
839
00:54:28,830 --> 00:54:30,399
makin 'em wrong
deep in this -- ♪
840
00:54:30,400 --> 00:54:31,959
♪ had to dance with
the devil to make it
841
00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:34,059
back home woah ♪
long live nipsey hussle.
842
00:54:34,060 --> 00:54:39,859
[ Cheers and applause ]
The marathon continues.
843
00:54:39,860 --> 00:54:45,059
Make some noise for John legend!
♪ oh
844
00:54:45,060 --> 00:54:47,129
you keep taking me
higher and higher
845
00:54:47,130 --> 00:54:50,259
yeah ♪
♪ but don't you know
846
00:54:50,260 --> 00:54:54,429
that the devil is a liar
I know
847
00:54:54,430 --> 00:54:58,629
they'd rather see me down ♪
♪ put my soul in the fire
848
00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:04,359
but we keep goin' higher
higher
849
00:55:04,360 --> 00:55:09,559
you keep takin' me higher ♪
♪ and higher
850
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:13,759
yeah
don't you know
851
00:55:13,760 --> 00:55:17,899
that the devil is a liar ♪
♪ I know they'd rather
852
00:55:17,900 --> 00:55:21,559
see me down
put my soul in the fire
853
00:55:21,560 --> 00:55:29,359
but we keep goin' higher ♪
♪ higher
854
00:55:29,360 --> 00:55:32,499
hey
oh, lord
855
00:55:32,500 --> 00:55:41,499
can you feel it ♪
♪ whoa ♪
856
00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:44,129
♪ my shoes are
scrapin' the sky
857
00:55:44,130 --> 00:55:50,359
I'm so high
we keep goin' higher ♪♪♪
858
00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:54,529
Yeah talk to 'em.
Told khaled bounce the four
859
00:55:54,530 --> 00:55:59,229
'til the bar break.
Long live nipsey hussle.
860
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:12,499
The marathon continues.
[ Cheers and applause ]
861
00:56:12,500 --> 00:56:15,399
Oh, hey, les, a change in
the court sketch, you're going
862
00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:19,159
to be the bailiff now.
Owe cool, thanks, Kyle.
863
00:56:19,160 --> 00:56:22,329
What are you watching?
Russian car crashes, they're
864
00:56:22,330 --> 00:56:27,299
crazy over there.
I was watching those videos
865
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:31,499
we made for the show when we
were in love with each other.
866
00:56:31,500 --> 00:56:34,729
Why did we stop making them?
I wanted to show you a pretty
867
00:56:34,730 --> 00:56:38,599
fun clip.
May I?
868
00:56:38,600 --> 00:56:48,059
Oh, my god.
Tell me I'm not dreaming.
869
00:56:48,060 --> 00:56:50,729
We was babies.
It was like last year.
870
00:56:50,730 --> 00:56:52,429
But you know it's weird,
sometimes people will come up to
871
00:56:52,430 --> 00:56:56,359
me on the street and say, are
you really dating Leslie?
872
00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:59,699
Me and you?
They truly thought it was
873
00:56:59,700 --> 00:57:00,460
real.
Ridiculous.
874
00:57:00,461 --> 00:57:06,199
Yeah, so ridiculous.
Yeah.
875
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:09,359
Well, I should get out of
here.
876
00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:17,529
So enjoy your videos, madam.
Thank you, sir.
877
00:57:17,530 --> 00:57:21,159
Umm, hey, Kyle.
What's up?
878
00:57:21,160 --> 00:57:23,899
Got some wine.
You want to maybe have a glass
879
00:57:23,900 --> 00:57:29,159
of wine, we can watch videos.
Yeah, sure.
880
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:37,859
I mean, I drink every day, so --
yes, let's do it.
881
00:57:37,860 --> 00:57:39,699
Thanks.
Well, to a wonderful year.
882
00:57:39,700 --> 00:57:51,459
Oh, yes.
Ooh, you got some on your lip.
883
00:57:51,460 --> 00:58:03,029
Thank you.
Is this happening right now?
884
00:58:03,030 --> 00:58:14,359
I don't know.
♪♪♪
885
00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:25,999
♪ why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ every time you are near ♪
886
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:30,699
♪ just like me, they long to
be ♪
887
00:58:30,700 --> 00:58:35,130
♪ close to you ♪
888
00:58:35,860 --> 00:58:46,960
♪♪♪
889
00:58:49,530 --> 00:58:54,259
Oh, god, crap!
[ Screaming ]
890
00:58:54,260 --> 00:58:58,359
Whoa!
What the [ Bleep ] are you
891
00:58:58,360 --> 00:58:59,330
doing?
This is my dressing room.
892
00:58:59,331 --> 00:59:01,629
Hey, sorry, man.
Oh, god.
893
00:59:01,630 --> 00:59:06,199
What's that smell?
Ew!
894
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:08,599
It stinks over here too.
Were you [ Bleep ] over here
895
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:10,999
too?
It smells like a bad tooth.
896
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,029
My shoes are sticking to the
floor.
897
00:59:12,030 --> 00:59:15,729
It's like an old movie theater.
Sorry.
898
00:59:15,730 --> 00:59:18,759
Oh, crap.
Are you still doing it?
899
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:22,259
Get out of here.
We said sorry, dude.
900
00:59:22,260 --> 00:59:25,599
Are you stressed out?
We were just having sex for a
901
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:27,659
few hours.
Relax.
902
00:59:27,660 --> 00:59:31,529
Yea, I'm stressed out.
I just -- I want the finale to
903
00:59:31,530 --> 00:59:33,499
go well.
I didn't mean to yell.
904
00:59:33,500 --> 00:59:40,699
Sorry.
Aww baby.
905
00:59:40,700 --> 00:59:43,799
That feels good.
Mmm.
906
00:59:43,800 --> 00:59:50,030
Is this happening?
907
00:59:50,760 --> 01:00:07,030
♪♪♪
908
01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:17,899
Uh-oh.
Dorky dad on the loose.
909
01:00:17,900 --> 01:00:22,099
You girls want some snacks?
I've got pita chips, raisins,
910
01:00:22,100 --> 01:00:24,859
and salt.
Okay, bye, dad.
911
01:00:24,860 --> 01:00:27,229
All right, I'll get out of
your hair.
912
01:00:27,230 --> 01:00:28,959
Just let me know if you want any
of those things.
913
01:00:28,960 --> 01:00:33,929
Sorry 'my dad.
But hey, I thought of something
914
01:00:33,930 --> 01:00:37,099
scary we can do.
Ooh, cool.
915
01:00:37,100 --> 01:00:39,429
Ouija board.
Let's get spooky.
916
01:00:39,430 --> 01:00:43,699
Spirits, we call upon you to
answer our questions.
917
01:00:43,700 --> 01:00:50,499
If you are here, give us a sign.
Ha ha ha ha!
918
01:00:50,500 --> 01:00:55,659
I am bealthor, mistress of the
nine hell.
919
01:00:55,660 --> 01:01:00,859
Holy smokes, we summoned a
demon.
920
01:01:00,860 --> 01:01:02,899
Ask your question, mortals.
Okay.
921
01:01:02,900 --> 01:01:05,059
I'll go.
Demon, which one of us will get
922
01:01:05,060 --> 01:01:10,929
married first?
Ah, the whispers of the
923
01:01:10,930 --> 01:01:15,029
damned flow through my head.
They say Samantha shall be first
924
01:01:15,030 --> 01:01:17,929
to wed.
Samantha!
925
01:01:17,930 --> 01:01:22,059
Demon, thank you.
Do you know, we should
926
01:01:22,060 --> 01:01:26,429
celebrate, you guys.
Pizza!
927
01:01:26,430 --> 01:01:33,699
Pizza girls, at it again.
I mean, I like pizza.
928
01:01:33,700 --> 01:01:35,959
Oh, I think we're kind of
done with the ouija stuff.
929
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:38,599
Oh, same here.
You know what we should get on
930
01:01:38,600 --> 01:01:41,399
our pizza?
Pineapple!
931
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:44,859
Ew, that sounds gross.
Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is
932
01:01:44,860 --> 01:01:47,529
so gross.
I was just joking about that.
933
01:01:47,530 --> 01:01:52,029
Hey, let's watch a movie.
Movie girls at it again.
934
01:01:52,030 --> 01:01:56,259
I don't know, bealthor, it's
kind of late to start a movie.
935
01:01:56,260 --> 01:01:58,899
Yeah, I was thinking that
too, as soon as I said it, I was
936
01:01:58,900 --> 01:02:03,459
like, it's too late, I'm so
stupid.
937
01:02:03,460 --> 01:02:08,659
Girls, why does the whole
house smell like brimstone?
938
01:02:08,660 --> 01:02:14,359
Oh, hey, Ashley, right?
No, dad, this is bealthor.
939
01:02:14,360 --> 01:02:18,629
Is that Greek?
Mazeltov.
940
01:02:18,630 --> 01:02:21,959
Anyway, it turns out we ran out
of pita chips.
941
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:25,999
I think I do see something
behind your ear.
942
01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:32,199
Oh, it's a go-gurt.
It's the last one so take a
943
01:02:32,200 --> 01:02:39,629
squirt and pass it around.
I'll be downstairs, working that
944
01:02:39,630 --> 01:02:40,959
swiffer.
Dads.
945
01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:43,999
Totally.
My dad is all, I'm Satan, god
946
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:47,429
cast me out of heaven, what a
loser.
947
01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:50,599
What are you even talking
about?
948
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,099
My bad.
Sorry for being weird.
949
01:02:53,100 --> 01:02:58,099
I'm just really struggling with
my home life right now.
950
01:02:58,100 --> 01:03:04,359
And I guess I've been feeling
really ugly lately.
951
01:03:04,360 --> 01:03:07,459
Don't or she'll never leave.
I'm going to go to the
952
01:03:07,460 --> 01:03:14,829
bathroom.
Guess who ordered thai food.
953
01:03:14,830 --> 01:03:18,799
So if you guys could just throw
in five bucks that would be --
954
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:24,629
where's the goth kid?
Hi, Satan?
955
01:03:24,630 --> 01:03:26,729
Can you come pick me up?
These girls are being super
956
01:03:26,730 --> 01:03:31,159
fake.
I don't believe what I'm
957
01:03:31,160 --> 01:03:34,259
hearing.
Were you girls bullying
958
01:03:34,260 --> 01:03:35,659
bealthor?
Dad, she's leaving.
959
01:03:35,660 --> 01:03:38,099
I don't want to hear it,
Christine.
960
01:03:38,100 --> 01:03:42,399
So she has horns, big whoop.
Maybe her differences are what
961
01:03:42,400 --> 01:03:46,659
make her cool.
Yeah, I guess you're right,
962
01:03:46,660 --> 01:03:48,559
Mr. Sanderson.
You're right.
963
01:03:48,560 --> 01:03:53,659
We'll be nice.
Hey, so my dad says that I
964
01:03:53,660 --> 01:03:56,629
can't spend the night.
Anyway, I'm sorry for ruining
965
01:03:56,630 --> 01:04:01,829
your party.
Bealthor, wait.
966
01:04:01,830 --> 01:04:03,659
These girls have something they
would like to say.
967
01:04:03,660 --> 01:04:08,799
Girls?
Bealthor, we're sorry.
968
01:04:08,800 --> 01:04:11,429
Yeah, we think it would be
pretty ill if you spent the
969
01:04:11,430 --> 01:04:12,759
night.
Really?
970
01:04:12,760 --> 01:04:15,599
Yes!
Yay.
971
01:04:15,600 --> 01:04:16,829
Hey, who wants to know how
they're going to die?
972
01:04:16,830 --> 01:04:28,159
Me!
[ Cheers and applause ]
973
01:04:28,160 --> 01:04:37,159
Thanks to dj khaled, Alec
Baldwin, Robert De Niro, lil'
974
01:04:37,160 --> 01:04:44,329
Wayne, meek mill, little baby,
sza, John legend.
975
01:04:44,330 --> 01:04:49,329
I've got to say thank you to
lorne, the cast, the crew, I
976
01:04:49,330 --> 01:04:54,599
love you, Jack and darby.
Have a great, great summer.
977
01:04:54,600 --> 01:04:58,359
Thank you.
Season 44 in the books.
978
01:04:58,360 --> 01:05:02,600
[ Cheers and applause ]
979
01:05:03,500 --> 01:05:28,500
♪♪♪
81306
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