All language subtitles for Oh.Ramona.2019.WEBRip.x264 eng

Ramona...

You're a really good dancer!

It's probably the drink talking,

but I've had a crush on you
since, like... forever.

Huh?

Yeah, sure, I'd love to go out with you.

Yeah, sure, I'd love to go out with you!

Yeah, sure, I'd love to go out with you!

Ha ha, you're very funny.

Ramona...

Check it out, dumb ass!

Take a couple of puffs of this,
and you're set.

It'll totally calm your nerves.
You'll feel...

...splendider!

- I don't... I don't know about that.
- Dude!

Have a little faith in your brother.

Wait a minute!

There could be cops in the audience
or even worse, children.

So we totally were not doing drugs!
We were...

you know... eating bananas.

This is some good banana right here.

Alright, dude.

You're ready.

This is the night you hook up with her.

So, there I go, walking over to her,
full of confidence

and a hefty amount of booze.

Hey!

Hey!

Wanna... wanna dance?

With you?

My dance moves
really attracted her attention.

Whatever...

Unfortunately!

Things were going well,
but fate reared its ugly head.

All that getting my groove on,
combined with being nervous and drunk,

had one extra effect...

In that exact moment
I really had to go take a leak!

- Anything wrong?
- No, I don't have to go.

You don't have to go where?

Nowhere, just...

Just sit tight, okay. Just... there.

Holy shit!

Hey! Hey! How is it all going?

I just need to step in
and brush up a bit.

Well... Probably not...

Why?

Well, cause... you know.

Out of my way, I'm gonna be sick!

Holy shit!

Yo! Check this shit out!

No, literally, come check
this literal shit

which Andrei just literally took!

John!

Oh, my God!

Nope, that was not God's work.

And that, my friends,
was a truly shitty first date.

They say a real man knows
how to deal with his problems.

So I turned to Mommy.

Mom?

Was Dad successful with the girls?

Oh, yes!

Too successful for his own good.

Stop honking, you fucker!

I'll come and shove
that fucking horn up your ass! Fuck!

Fucking stop honking that fucking horn!

Fuck you too! Fuck you!

I hope you never fucking get
an erection, you asshole!

Hello there, Mrs. Alfred!

Take it easy on the cigarettes, Alin!

I don't want you being a bad influence
on my Andrei.

So?

Is your mom gonna let you come
to the party tonight?

Actually, she agreed
that I can come by your place

and... study.

Say... Clever!

You're not such a dumb cow after all.

- Do you wanna suck on my titty?
- Yeah. Yeah, just like a little...

Believe me, this wasn't even
the weirdest thing I did in this costume.

So...

You gonna hook up with her?

I'm way past that.

Besides, everybody is looking at me like
I'm the guy who took the dump last time.

Nobody remembers that.

Yeah. Do you remember?
Oh, my God!

You walk up to her, you grab her hand.

You ask her to dance.

You pretend to be interested in whatever
bullshit she spews, and you fuck her!

Have you ever fucked a virgin?

- No!
- No! Have you?

Not yet, but...

What is he doing?

Wow, I looked like
I was jacking off angels.

Hey...

- Hey...
- What you pointing at?

The... sky, it seems.

Your hands okay?

Ah, yeah, yeah, no... they're okay.

They're very fine... fine hands. Just...

Relax.

Oh, shit!

You're cute.

How you doing?

- You're doing great.
- Oh, thanks.

So... Listen, there's something
I want to tell you.

Follow me.

Go!

I know you're in love with me.

Me? No way.

Shh! I think it's cute.

A lot of guys have been crazy for me,

but you've literally been mad for years.

Well, yeah.

I know what you want!

Yeah, I love you.

But I'm... I...

I... Look, I'm...

I'm... not like the other guys.

No, don't blow it, man.

But I'm not that shallow
to just want to have sex with you.

It's not called being shallow,
it's called not being stupid.

I want a relationship.

Say what?

What?

Something that...
that lasts into all of eternity.

- And...
- Shh! What the fuck?

Are you serious?

Ah, yeah... what the fuck?

In what relationship? Look...

I'm the hottest girl at school
and you're... you.

Stop being silly.

Sorry, guy in the fourth row.
No boobies for you.

Rather than have you for one night

and then lose any chance
of having you forever...

I'd rather not have you at all.

I just nutted
when your boobs touched my chest.

God, you're a fucking moron!

Wow, twice!

I'm giving you what any guy would kill
to have and you say "No thanks"?

Fuck you!

I think I just made
the biggest mistake of my life.

Isn't that what your mom said
when you were born?

Cut it out, dumb ass!

I meant Ramona.

Ah, yeah.
I'd move out of town if I were you.

Maybe even the city.

The town is the city, you fuckwit.

I just can't have sex with a girl
if we're not in a relationship.

- You wanna do it or should I?
- Oh, you've known him longer.

Alright.

Listen, motherfucker!

I would take a science test every day
for the rest of my life

just to smell that pussy!

Yeah, well, maybe I'm dumber.

Forget about it.
You made the right call.

Ramona means more to you
than just a one-night stand.

I was good.

Ramona was now Silviu's girlfriend,

giving me the perfect excuse
to forget about her.

Day after day

and I couldn't believe Silviu
hadn't been hit by a truck

or struck by lightning or something.

Shut up, dude!
In life it's always better to be honest.

Yes, if you're retarded.

Because retarded people don't understand
the concept of getting away with lies.

Come on, finish my homework.

- Please, I...
- No, no. Finish it now.

- Faster!
- Okay.

Silviu, we need to talk.

Make it fast,
I'm busy with my math homework.

Here's the thing...

I know Ramona only hooked up
with you to get back at me...

- My God...
- I think you can tell that as well.

It's like he's breaking up with him.

...for the sake
of our long-lasting friendship,

I think you'd agree
that you should break up with her.

What did you say?

Yeah, it's only fair for you to not be
caught between me and Ramona

just so that she can make me jealous.

So I'm just a loser

and there's no way
she can actually be into me, right?

No, what I meant to say...

What? That you're better than me?

No, I just don't want you to get hurt.

Hey, babe, check this little shit out.

He says you only got with me
to get back at him.

- What?
- Is that true?

I don't know what he's talking about.

I've had a crush on you
ever since I saw you.

Ramona, let's be honest.

The best thing in life
is to be honest, right?

It's better that you confess to Silviu now
that you got mad at me because...

I didn't want to have sex with you
that night

and that is why you're doing all of this.

You must be out of your mind.

Silviu is the only man
I would ever want to...

make love to.

Bitch!

And by the way...
I didn't want Silviu to know,

but could you please stop texting me
in the middle of the night?

- What?
- I'm really not interested.

You're texting my girl
in the middle of the night?

- No, she's lying!
- So you're calling my girlfriend a liar!

If I didn't say no to her, she wouldn't
even be your fucking girlfriend!

Shit!

Told you so.

If you've got a girl pregnant,

I swear I will break your neck, her legs

and raise the child as my own!

It's not that big a deal.

Why didn't you say so?
Scaring me like that.

Then what's the matter?

You know that girl Ramona that I like?

Well, the thing is...

She's pregnant, I knew it!

I swear I will break your neck!

Mom! No one is pregnant.

It's just that...

I like her.

A lot.

But she's hooked up with Silviu.

And she did it just to make me mad!

- Why would you get mad?
- Well...

...because I refused to have sex
with her.

- What... with Silviu?
- No, Mom! With Ramona!

Well, good then.
That was very wise of you to do that.

You know what sex is, right?

- The fastest way to get a girl pregnant!
- Yeah...

...but now I feel like I let her down.

Honey, you're still young.

You have absolutely no idea what it
takes to actually disappoint a woman.

But believe me,
between now and your fifties,

you're gonna have so many women
to disappoint. It's fantastic.

Thanks for the confidence boost.

You know what you actually need?

A break.

I was embarrassed and tired,

but worst of all I was on vacation
with my mom.

But that all changed the moment
I laid my eyes upon... her!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Never seen a lobby before?

Our room is upstairs!

Yeah, right.

You go. I wanna check out the place.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you, guys, have a safe travel.

Hey!

Listen. Do you know the girl
at the front desk?

I'm... I'm asking for a friend.

Forget about her.

That girl is shady, man.

I heard she is into...

Video chat!

God!

That is... that is preposterous.

- So can you introduce me to her?
- Sure.

Yo, Blondie, this guy likes you!

It's all arranged, sir.

Now that I had my intro,

it was time to use
my gold medal pick-up line on her.

Hey, pretty!

Do you believe in love at first sight?

In case you were wondering
how I was still a virgin...

That's how.

What I meant to say is that you are the
most beautiful woman in the whole hotel,

a title which you share with my mother,
whom I love,

even when she dresses just like me.

Congrats! You've earned the chance
to ask me my name.

So... What is your name?

Anemona. Pleased to meet you.

Andrei.

And I would very much like
to take you out.

Sorry for wasting your time.

You can take me for a walk
on the beach.

So...

What do you do
when you're not working here?

I go to college.

Right, because...

the guy at the bar actually told me

you do video chat?

The guy at the bar
has been hitting on me all summer.

You know what guys are like.

If a girl says no, she's suddenly a slut.

That's not true.

Except for Ramona, that slut!

Anyway...

I think my mom would rather me be doing
video chat than working in a hotel.

Weird.

Listen, you should know that...

I have a boyfriend.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea,
just...

Let's just enjoy the night and that's all.

Yeah.

I'd still like to know more about you.

So... what does your dad do?

Everything but mind us.

Sounds like he could be my dad.

Maybe we're brother and sister.

Like Cersei and Jaime?

Then this would be a really weird date.

So it is a date!

Well, you know...
Dates usually end with a kiss.

Only if you impress the girl.

We're already in the moonlight.

You've got the sea over here.

What else would you want?

A serenade?

Really?

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

Shall I stay

Would it be a sin?

If I can't help

Falling in love with you

Like a river flows

Surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand

That one kiss from her gave me
a pocket rocket so strong

I could've karate chopped
a board in half with it!

I regret nothing.

Who the fuck is Rien?

Warm up the machine.

Failure to properly warm up the engine

and various other
machine components

can result in a decrease in service life
of the machine.

Or in malfunctions.

In winter, run the engine
for at least five minutes

for proper warm up.

Then, run the engine at a low speed

without a load to warm up
the hydraulic oil

and other machine components.

Keep the engine clean!

Dead leaves, paper dust
and oil stains

on and around the engine

can catch fire.

Remove all such debris
before commencing operation.

Wait a minute,
I can't show you this part.

There are children in the audience,
for crying out loud!

But I swear it was as sweet
and delicious as a heavenly dessert.

You know that moment

when you dip
your finger into the honey jar,

and it's so warm and sticky.

You can't get enough.

Or when you're enjoying
a fluffy juicy cake

and it just melts into your mouth.

Then, you feel like going
for the cupcakes.

And you play
with those perfect cherries.

Not too big, not too small...
just right.

Something serious must've happened

if she was calling me
that late at night.

But then I decided to look
on the bright side:

Maybe she was dying.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah!
The grand finale,

when you top it off with champagne.

Lots of champagne.

Especially if
the bottle's not been shaken in awhile.

Lower...

Lower...

Do it!

Do what?

Holy... Mom!

- What time is it?
- 10 a.m.

Come on, get dressed,
we're missing out on tan-time.

Just let me freshen up a bit.

I really wanted Anemona to like me
in daytime as well.

So I needed
a little bit of maintenance.

I styled my hair.

Brushed my teeth.

Heck, I even showered!

It was pretty obvious
that I was in a great mood,

but what's up with my mom?

Why is she so upbeat and cheerful?

Hey, dude, guess what?

I just had a date with Anemona
last night.

And I fucked your mother last night.

Mom?

I don't wanna know.

You met someone last night,
didn't you?

Actually, I did.

Someone I like...

I knew it.

But it's okay.

- As long as you're happy.
- No, Mom. Not him.

It's alright, Andrei.

At least you can't get him pregnant.

Anemona!

What's wrong?

- They fired me.
- What?

My supervisor came to me this morning
and said I was fired.

She saw you leaving my room.

It's all my fault.

It could have been anyone.

Okay, there's a reality check!

So what now?
Why are you all packed?

Because it's over for me here.

My boyfriend is coming
to pick me up soon.

He can't see us together, you know?

And the hits just keep on coming.

I just wish we had
a little more time together.

Alright, man up, show some grit!

I don't want you to go.

Please don't go.

Apparently, my flair for the dramatic
outweighs my toughness.

It came out like a flood!

You know what?
Fuck that, it's my story!

It was raining hardcore!

It was raining
like the great flood was coming!

We'll keep in touch.

- I'll come visit.
- No!

You can't, Andrei.

You live at the other end of the country.

This...

Us...

it would never work.

Why fool ourselves?

It's... It's from the rain.

Hey...

If what happened between us
was meant to be,

I'm sure we'll meet again.

I have faith in these kind of things.

Just because a story
doesn't have a happy ending,

doesn't mean that it's over.

I take you to the beach to cheer you up
and you leave here even more depressed?

You're being silly, Andrei! Besides,
I don't even think he's that great a guy!

Mom! She's a girl!

Her name is Anemona

and she is the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.

Oh, yeah? That's funny.

I was under the impression

that your mother was
the most beautiful woman in the world.

- What about Ramona?
- What do I care?

All I want right now is to be
with Anemona and no one else.

Well, good for you! That's my boy!

I'm glad I raised me a boy who knows
exactly what he wants in life.

That's good!

Yeah, great...

On second thought, I need you
to drop me off at Ramona's

- as soon as we get there!
- What the fuck?!

Hi there, I'm Andrei,
Ramona's classmate.

Is your daughter home?

Ramona is my sister.

I may be older, but I'm not her mother!

God! Come in.

Are you... alright?

Do I fucking look alright?

Look at me!

And is it alright for me
to call you like crazy

and for you to ignore me like I'm nothing?

So I didn't feel like answering
my phone. Big deal.

What, are we together all of a sudden?

Or maybe you're just jealous.

Jealous of what?

I have a girlfriend now.

Really? What's her full name?

I don't know it.

What's her phone number?

I don't have it.

Is your girlfriend your left hand?

Fuck you! She's real!

I just can't prove it.

You know, that's what they say
about aliens, and God too.

You're just jealous.

Jealous? Me?

Get fucking real, Andrei!

You're crazy about me! You always
come running like a puppy!

I just have to lift my finger.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Well, you know what?
Suck it, Ramona!

I don't need you in my life!

There are... There are thousands of girls
out there way hotter than you!

Which I haven't met yet, it's true.

But I'm pretty fucking sure none of them
would treat me the way you do!

I'm just your puppy. Puppy...

Your puppy...

I'm not that sorry Silviu beat you.

I'll go to the police

and tell them you did it.

I'll tell them you left these marks
on my face.

And see how smart
you think you are then.

Idiot.

And fuck off!

What happened?

Andrei, stop being like this!
She needs you.

You know what?
You can suck it too!

Okay. When?

How could I have possibly hit Ramona?
I was at the seaside.

Then who did?

Scooby-Doo!
Who do you think it was?

Silviu.

Or maybe she did it to herself?

Well, if it was Silviu,
why would she say it was you?

Because Ramona
is the offspring of Satan, that's why!

What I meant to say...

Really, Carla? Tampons?

It's all I had to throw.

Cut the bullshit!

You think that just because
you're not saying anything,

I can't see that you're upset?

Ramona told the school
some pretty bad lies about me,

because I've been ignoring her.

Well, that's what any girl would do
if she felt hurt by a guy.

It means that she cares for you.

Really?

Dude, I don't get women at all!

How come every time
I try something with a girl,

I end up looking like a loser?

What do you really want?
You want Ramona?

I thought you were in love with that girl
from the beach, what's her name?

Anemona?

I don't have her number,
I don't have her Facebook.

She's not to be found.

Just because someone's not on
Facebook doesn't mean they don't exist.

But they have Instagram.

You can't give up just because
you're afraid of failure.

Hey, don't judge me!
I was 17 and single!

What did you want me to use
the Internet for? Learning history?

She forgot her wallet in my taxi
a few days back

so I'm trying to give it to her in person.

Hello?

Hi, Anemona!

It's Andrei.

I sang to you on the beach.

You'll have to be more specific
than that.

I've had lots of boys singing to me
on the beach.

I'm kidding, Andrei! How are things?
What's up?

It's all good, I'm good.

Listen, I'll be at the seaside
for a couple of days...

and I was thinking that maybe
we can grab a coffee sometime?

Sure, that sounds nice.
Where are you gonna stay?

I'll find a decent hotel.

Nonsense! You can crash with me.

Play hard to get.

Sure.

Sure, I... If you insist.

Let me show you something.

Hey?

Are you constipated?

This is so good.

I'm coming!

- I'm coming!
- Just hurry the hell up and get out!

Open the door!

Open the door or I will break it in!

- No, I'm gonna go.
- No, I'm going.

- You're in the girls' bathroom.
- So what?

- Let me go!
- I'll go. You stay here, okay?

- You trust me?
- Yes.

Okay, I'll go then.

Okay.

- Out! I wanna talk to this guy.
- I'm not leaving without him.

Out now!

It's okay. I'll be fine.

I'm only just about to be murdered,
that's all.

Okay, little man,
I'm gonna ask you one question.

And you better god damn well think hard
about the answer!

Were you fucking in here?

Regretfully, yes, kind sir.

And I honestly didn't even enjoy it
all that much.

Man to man, I congratulate you!

As a bouncer...
wrong motherfucking answer!

It was at this moment that he knew.
He fucked up!

- Ow!
- Oh, God, this is totally my fault.

Don't worry about it. It was worth it.

I think I might have an idea

that will make you feel even better.

And that's when I understood
the meaning of life.

You...

Blowjobs.

That night I helped her
with an IT problem.

She had a beautiful pink laptop
with a very nice USB port.

My USB stick was... average and...

Wait a minute, it's my damn story!

That USB stick was huge!

I was ready to fit that huge USB
into her rear-mounted VGA,

but yeah, she said she wasn't ready
for that quite yet.

So...

Did you think about
what you're gonna tell him?

I mean... your boyfriend.

About us.

There is no "us," Andrei.

Say what?

I'm with Tudor and I really don't wanna
have this conversation right now.

Can we just rewind there a little bit?

I fell in love with you
from the first moment I saw you!

You're a really good person, Andrei.

I never thought I'd meet
someone like you.

- But apparently not good enough.
- It's not that! It's just...

I'm fucked up, okay?
You're better off, believe me.

- Can't I be the one to decide that?
- There is nothing to decide!

Tudor and I have been together
for a really long time.

He is older, he is rich, he has plans.

- He's been good to me.
- Okay!

You can stop right there.

I can't walk away from him.

But you can walk away from me.

You can walk away from me.

This is...

I...

Fuck it.

It's how it is. Life sucks.

Maybe you shouldn't have come here.

Don't say that. Don't.

This was all wrong.

But I love you.

You have to go.

The only thing that she didn't realize

was that I didn't fall in love with her
because I thought she was perfect.

I fell in love with her
because I knew she wasn't.

When you're young
and get kicked in the balls,

everybody tells you,

"Ah, you'll be fine!
You'll find a non-ball-kicker soon."

They all tell you how it will pass,

how it doesn't really matter
what happens right now.

Fuck it, I always choose the wrong girls!

One of them is fucking my best friend,

and the other one
has a fucking boyfriend!

What the fuck are you looking at?

It's nothing. It's just...

We wanted to tell you that we found out
the truth about you

and we totally think you're very brave.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ramona told us that Andrei didn't want
to have sex with her that night

because he confessed
that he likes men.

- What?
- Hey, it's okay.

If that's what you all think,
then you can all suck my dick!

Maybe not the wisest choice of words
in this context.

Yeah? Fuck you too!

Again... So gay!

If I'm gay, then you can all kiss my ass!

Andrei, relax!

Everything makes sense now,
and we're all okay with this.

Even the teachers.

The teachers know?

If you ever decide to break up
with this loser, give me a call.

Fuck off.

You stupid jackass!

And you...
Stop sucking on this fucking ice cream.

Remember this...

If a woman gives herself to you,

she tells you that she wants to fuck you

and... you don't fuck her

'cause you're...

you're retarded or something...

she will make you suffer.

Sure. Just let me press
the "go back in time" button

and I'll totally fuck Ramona.

What the fuck
do you want me to do now?

Well, for starters...
Deal with that shit.

Make everybody stop thinking that
you're an insecure gay nerd and a loser.

Hey, I am not a loser!

So now everybody thinks that I'm gay,

the girl I used to like
wants to make me suffer,

the girl I love has a boyfriend...

It's like somebody is strangling my soul

while making me listen
to Britney Spears.

Yes, horrible.

Does life condemn us to be alone
forever if we don't want to be hurt?

Or should we love even though we may cry
and suffer and be unhappy?

Man, you want ketchup or mayonnaise?

Jesus...

How could she say I am gay?

Apparently, the only person
who would still listen to me was Carla.

I like women.

I live to eat pussy.

So you wanna...

No, I...

I just want to forget
about women and love.

Well, this is interesting,

I have 11 fingers.

I'm not kidding.

Look, it's...
one, two, three, four, five...

ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Five plus six equals 11.

My math teacher
must've been very proud.

Too much banana.

Stop tripping.

I know.

Maybe if you take off your shirt,
you'll feel better.

Yeah, you're right.

- I do feel better.
- Good boy.

Now let's get rid of those trousers too.

What's wrong with my trousers?

I don't know,
you wanted to take off your trousers.

- Man, you're really high.
- No, I'm not.

You think I don't know my own idea?

Maybe if you lie down,
you'll feel even better.

I don't honestly think it's such a good...

And in that moment I finally
understood how Leo DiCaprio felt

when he fucked... fought...

...fought the bear!

That was awesome!

I'm gonna go take a shit now.

Don't worry, lover! I'll be back!

Lover!

I'm coming!

You know, maybe running away
from your problems is wrong.

But when your problem's
a 400-pound sex-crazed hyena

who only wants more...

Yeah, you might wanna
keep on running!

Good morning, sir!
I'm Captain Donger.

Baby, are you sleeping?

Come on, sweetie, wake up, please.

Get up, you lazy fart!

It's 12 o'clock, wake up already!

That's my boy.

Alin's come to visit.

And he came with the Russians?
Why the hell are you yelling?

Andrei...

I'm very sorry, but...
I have to break up with you.

- Are you high?
- Yeah, a bit, yeah...

...but that's besides the point.

What the hell are you talking about?

Dude, we got to do something.

Last night, I was out

talking to some chick and...

every girl in this city thinks that I'm...

Well, at least you didn't bone
Jabba the Hutt!

You know what's ten times
fucking worse?

They think I'm your boyfriend.

I feel you, bro.

And you're right.
I hate Ramona for the whole thing,

but last night I made up my mind.

I am going to show her and Silviu

that I am not the loser they think I am!

Okay, you're overreacting.

So many years,

but today is the day I say "No more!"

- Dude...
- I refuse to be Ramona's lapdog!

- Hey, asshole!
- And the most important thing of all...

I refuse to have sex
with another fat girl!

Wait, what?

Andrei!

Andrei!

Dude! Chill the fuck out, you shitheel!

- I overreacted a bit.
- You think?

But seriously, though,
I will have my revenge!

If I wanted to impress Ramona,
I needed a "look."

I began hittin' the gym.

Not for working out or anything,

exercise is way overrated!

I needed some badass pics
so that Ramona could see them.

Everyone found out
that Alin and I weren't gay.

Alin should've been tickled pink that
people thought I was his boyfriend.

I was finally ready.

Execute Operation Ramona!

Hey, look who just saw my instastory.

Ramona didn't just see me,
that "biatch" felt me!

Hey, Andrei, how have you been?

Don't say a word.

Just let me look at you for a second.

You're still the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.

God, I missed you.

At that moment, I was sure

even her soul wanted to fuck me.

You look different.

I like it.

Of course you do.

A little bit arrogant, don't you think?

It's only arrogance if it's not true.

And we both know it is true.

Listen.

I got to bounce,

but maybe come over to my house
one night,

watch a movie...

You know, Netflix and chill.

Yeah, smooth
as a bull in a china shop.

I don't know,
we're not that close anymore.

And whose fault is it?

50 Shades of Andrei!

See you later, little goose.

Now that I'd planted the seed
in her head, all I had to do was wait.

If everything went as planned, maybe
I could also plant my seed in her.

Ramona started acting differently
towards me all of a sudden.

You know...

Hey! What's up?

...like I was an actual human being!

Apparently, we were now on kissing
terms whenever we saw each other.

The plan was working like a charm.

But there was something else
I had to do first.

You fucking pussy!

Jesus Christ!

What's wrong with you? Hey!

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Hey!

Carla!

I need to tell you something.

Please don't eat me!

Look, I know we haven't talked
all that much since...

You know...

Since you ran like a little girl
leaving me unsatisfied?

Yeah, I think I remember.

Well, that's the thing!

You are the most wonderful girl
I've ever seen.

- Andrei, I can't believe this!
- No, no, no, just...

Don't get me wrong!

I enjoyed our night together,
but that's it.

I like you more like just a friend.

What? Come again?

Did I just get friend zoned
by Jabba the Hutt?

You know, it won't be easy...

but I will try to get over
this disappointment somehow.

But know this...

I will never ever forget about you.

Kind of like the same way the Titanic
will never ever forget

hitting that iceberg.

You are so sweet, Andrei!

Pussy!

Bye!

Guys, I know what I'm doing, okay?

Hey, Silviu,
did you do your math homework?

Let me check.

Yo, peasant!
Did we do my math homework?

Of course, boss.

Four pages.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Silviu!

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, I would love to be your girlfriend!

What the fuck are you talking about?

I got your flowers
and I read your note too.

You know,
from the ninth grade I hoped...

No, I knew that we would be together
one day.

Are you high?

How the fuck do you think
you could ever be my girlfriend?

Don't you realize that you are
as fat as a hippo?

Get lost, bitch!
You're making me look bad.

Really?

But last year I was good enough
for you to lose your virginity to, right?

What?

I thought we agreed
not to talk about that.

Motherfucker!

I let you defile my sweet cherry,
and this is how you repay me?

Fight!

Fight!

Shot! Headshot!

Look at him crying like a little baby!

The same way he did

after we had sex
and you asked me to cuddle you!

So, we meet tonight as planned?

Wear something comfortable.

Wow!

Oh, cut it out!

- I'm blushing.
- No, really, I'm amazed.

This is what you understand
by "comfortable"?

What? My outfit isn't appropriate?

Yes, it is. For a party...

The fuck?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Nothing will happen to you!
Totally got your back!

All we have to do is climb a few stairs
and we'll arrive at our destination.

"Climb a few stairs..."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What is this,
a date or the fucking Olympics?

See? It's not that bad.

I can barely see where I'm stepping.

And you're staring at my ass.

Fuck!

I wanted to bring you
somewhere very special for me.

Here is where I come and read
from time to time.

I did want to have dinner
with you tonight,

but I figured a restaurant wouldn't be
good enough for me to tell you

that you are the most beautiful girl
in the world

and being here, you can see yourself
the way I see you...

above everybody else.

Here's to... second chances.

Cheers!

Everything is starting
to make sense now.

I'm beginning to understand
what really matters in life and...

Me too!

Like beer, FIFA, chocolate.

I meant like...
protection, support, loyalty.

I feel amazing right now.

I feel amazing with you.

I feel amazing with you too.

And I also got to stare at your ass.

You know,

it's getting chilly outside and...

your place is very close to here.

You wouldn't want to catch a cold,
right?

Of course.

Maybe watch a movie, right?

You're all the same after all,
aren't you?

I'm not like the other guys
and you know it.

Yeah, right.

Guy in the fourth row,
now's the time, buddy. Enjoy!

Nice fur!

I told you I'm not like the other guys.

Nothing will happen tonight.
Goodnight!

Don't try this at home.

Morning!

I realized that nobody cares for me
the way you do...

and I'm sorry for all the bad things
I've done to you.

And that was the exact moment
when Hell began to freeze over.

All I want is another chance.

Give us this chance.

I know it's weird,
but I was kind of enjoying the moment.

After all, I was in love with the girl
for practically forever,

and now she was asking
me to be with her.

Wow, impossible is nothing, I guess!

I really want this to work between us.

Me too!
Me too, and I know it will all work out.

What's wrong?

I have to go.

What, now? Where?

Please, brain,
give me a good excuse!

Well...

The thing is...

I... have another girlfriend.

Wow...

- What?
- Fuck you, brain!

You have another girlfriend?

Yes. She's at the bus station
and I have to pick her up.

Sometimes it's just better
to tell the truth...

That's a good one!

...because nobody will ever believe
that it can be that stupid.

Holy shit!

Sure! I understand.

Gotta go pick up your "girlfriend."

- You sure about that?
- Sure, baby.

You got to do what you got to do.

Go pick her up...

okay. I will.

You can be honest with me.

Even princesses need to shit,
you know.

You got me, you really got me!

But I really need to go. Like now.

Yeah, go!

What is wrong with all the people
in your town?

Why are they all dancing?

We get high a lot.

He's so sweet, I like a lot...

Mom always knew how to make me
look like a stud in front of the girls.

I know. Do you know,
when he was about that age,

he was about one years old,

he... every time we put him in the bath,
he pooped.

- What? No!
- Yeah!

Yeah, just put him in the bath
and out came a poo.

I don't know what it was.

It was something about the warm water,
just kinda got his bowels going,

- so he just took a shit.
- That's horrible.

A little turd in the pool.

Every day for about six months,
he pooed in the bath.

Oh, my god! That's so gross!

It was just when he was starting
to walk as well,

so he'd just stand up in the bath
and just like "bluuup."

- I know.
- Oh, God. Poor mother...

I know!

- What did you do with that?
- Well, at the beginning... winky, winky.

Your poor guests.

Hey! What happened?

Fuck you, that's what happened!

You leave me in the middle of the road
and then you don't say anything?

Really?

I'm sorry,

but I was kind of busy.

For six hours?
I thought you'd died on that toilet seat.

I'll make up for this, I promise.

Tonight, when you go out with me,
you'll bring me lilies.

Oh, tonight...
I don't think I can make it tonight.

- I... I have a thing.
- Okay, tomorrow night then.

Tomorrow night...

It doesn't really work for me,
I have to see a guy.

What guy?

My aunt's nephew.

You have to meet yourself?

Damn, brain, what the fuck?

Andrei, is there something wrong?

Andrei?

Andrei!

Andrei!

The thing is we've only been together
for two weeks

and you cannot have me this whipped, okay?

All good? Can I have a shower now?

Only if you have the balls
to enter the bathroom.

Maybe I'll join you in the shower.

Or maybe you'll join me
in kicking your ass!

We have a problem.

- You forgot the onions?
- Even if I don't say anything,

it doesn't mean that I don't know
something is wrong.

You're a Cancer,
you don't know how to lie.

So, what's the problem?

Well... You know I love pancakes, right?

Do you want me to make you
some pancakes?

But I also...

But I also love ice cream.

So what if I had to choose
between the two?

What if I had to choose which desert
I want to eat for the rest of my life?

All I can say is that...

That's not right to play both sides.

You have to decide what you want.

I want pancakes.

No, I want ice cream.

Or pancakes.

Or ice cream. I don't know.

The truth is, no matter
how much you fight it,

in the end you're still gonna
end up crying.

- For love?
- What?

No! From the onions.

But the most important thing of all
is having the right recipe.

- For the meatballs?
- No.

For love.

Sometimes you just have to look at it
as a test you have to pass.

Love?

No, the meatball, pay attention!

The secret is in knowing
how to reinvent yourself.

And if that doesn't work,
then you need to spice things up.

The meatball?

The relationship.

Jesus! You're making no sense.

Baby, it's very easy.

If you would have liked
the pancake that much,

you wouldn't have noticed
the ice cream.

But if you want to taste it, it's obvious
that you like the ice cream more.

- I love you.
- I love you too, son.

But if you get the ice cream pregnant,

I'll shove your dick in the grinder!

You do realize we have a wardrobe,
right?

In the spring, nature wakes up.

The trees become greener,

the birds enchant our ears
with their lovely songs

and the squirrel gets busy.

You can't even imagine
how much I've missed you!

This little squirrel... Sorry!

This medium-sized squirrel wants
really badly to enter the hollow.

Yay! He made it!

Oh, yeah, the squirrel loves
the hollow!

It's warm, it's cozy and it's dark.

It would like to stay in the hollow
its whole life.

But it can't.

Usually, the squirrel can last
for about ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes if it had a beer first.

After that, of course,
he goes to sleep.

I've never had
to come so quietly before.

Be happy you came,
it doesn't happen too often.

I feel exhausted.

Sweet dreams, my artichoke!

Damn! Remember when my problem
was not getting the girl?

- Hi.
- Hey, hey...

What are you doing here?

- Let's go for a walk.
- No!

I just... I couldn't sleep
because we fought,

so I decided to come and see you.

It's 1 am, let's talk in the morning.

No! I don't want to sleep
knowing that we had a fight.

And...

I'm really horny. I want you.

- Here and now...
- Are you insane?

- What?
- The neighbors will see us.

So what?

Yeah, so what?

Fuck off!

I liked you

for so many years

and I've really thought you are the one
who will make me happy, but...

No, no, no, we don't need a "but."
It's okay.

Sadly, we do.

Because I realized my happiness
lies somewhere else.

Don't say that.

We can work this out.

I'm sure!

I'm afraid we can't.

Ramona, this sick, toxic thing
between us has to end.

Don't you have any feelings for me?

- I do.
- Yeah?

I really do.

But it's not love.

It's not that love I always wanted and
dreamt about since I was a little boy.

You cannot do this to me.

I'm sorry!

Wait!

You bastard...

How dare you?

It's getting late.

- I have to go.
- Why? Hey!

I chose the ice cream.

Ow!

What ice cream?

Andrei!

Hey, I'm talking to you!

So, this is me now.

I live in Bucharest,
I wrote a bestselling book,

and everything seems perfect.

Of course, I missed out
on being Ramona's boyfriend

and, even though I was
madly in love with her for years,

it was the best decision I ever made.

Are you sure you need to go?

Yeah.

If I ditch him,
he'll break up with me... again.

Party pooper!

But don't worry,
I'll be back in... two or three hours.

Okay, so be it.

I'll let you cheat on me with Al.

- Bye! I love you!
- I love you too!

What's up, star boy?

Since you've been writing
successful novels

you forgot about us,
the regular people.

I can't believe this!

How are you?
What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the area and I saw
your Facebook check-in

and I said "why not?"

Bring us two shots, please!

So, long time no see...

No phone calls, no texts,
no nothing...

Yeah, sorry to disturb you, guys.
I am your biggest fan.

- Can I have your autograph, please?
- Sure.

My girlfriend loves you.

- What...
- Alex.

Thanks, thanks a lot!

That just proves my point.

Yeah, I suppose.

But the last time we saw each other
you were... pretty pissed.

Who, me? Can't remember why.

I've been thinking of you, you know.

It even happened when I was fucking
someone else.

How fucked up is that, right?

Let's not...

Why not?

Ramona, look...

I have a girlfriend now
and I'm finally happy.

So...

Yes, it was nice,
really nice seeing you...

but I need to get home.

Oh, my God,
you're such a party pooper!

Stay a little longer
and I'll drive you home after.

No, I'm... I'm okay, I'll get a cab.

Wait!

Did you think I was hitting on you?

Andrei... I'm engaged.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. To a very nice man.

His dad owns a football team,
so relax.

You have nothing to worry about.

Come on, I'll drive you home
and I'll go see my fiancé.

So? Shall we?

Ramona, you've been drinking.

I don't think it's such a good idea
for you to drive.

I only had two shots!
Come on, don't be such a pussy!

You'll put on your seat belt.

Come on!

This guy I'm seeing,
he's really something.

We've just been to Barcelona
for a few days.

And I think I'll go skiing to Austria.

Great!

It's how we roll,
from one vacation to another.

And he always buys me presents.
Anything I want.

You should see his mansion, it's huge!

What the fuck are you doing?

I think I'm a little drunk!
But it's okay, I got this!

- Ramona, pull over!
- No!

Ramona, pull over!

I'm gonna take you home.

We wouldn't want
your girlfriend to panic, huh?

I'm not worried.

Just pull over so we can talk quietly.
Okay?

What is wrong with you?
Why are you behaving like this?

You know...

- My fiancé...
- Is very rich, I got that.

No... not that.

I mean he is very rich, but...

Our life together isn't as perfect
as it seems.

You know, the trips and the presents
could never replace feelings.

What?

You just told me how happy you are.

You know...

Sometimes I just can't help wondering

how my life would have been
if we were together.

You would have made me very happy.

You don't know that.

Oh, my God...

I was so stupid.

It's all my fault.

If only I could take back time...

Ramona, stop! What are you doing?

Ramona, stop! Don't...

It was impossible for me to resist.

The meaning of life, you remember?

If Anemona showed me heaven
while holding my hand,

then Ramona just grabbed me by
the dick and dragged me through Hell.

I did a terrible thing.

Ramona wanted to drive me home

and... well...

That bitch stole your wallet?

She sucked my cock, you cock sucker!

Alin!

I found this under your pillow.

Yes, I have that
so I can spank you later.

I can't believe I cheated on Anemona.

So what?

Shit happens.

Just text her you're sleeping at my place
and tomorrow you'll go home

and we'll never speak of this again.

Why do you have this in your room?

I have that so you can spank me later.

But I have to tell her. It's only fair.

Yo!

I was in your shoes a long time ago
and I chose honesty.

Do you wanna know what happened?

She killed my hamster.

She cooked it and fed it to me.

Jesus!

Alin!

Anemona!

Anemona?

Well, boo-fucking-hoo!

What kind of a comedy
doesn't have a happy ending?

Anemona? Is that you?

No, it's not Anemona, you dumb-ass!

Look at you, crying like a little girl.

"Oh, Anemona, where are you?
Please don't leave me!"

I don't know who you are,
I don't know what you want...

But if you don't tell me,
I will look for you,

I will find you and I will kill you!

The speech from "Taken"? Seriously?

How ridiculously stupid!

Holy shit!

Hey, watch your mouth
in the presence of... the Almighty!

You disgusting sinner!

Let's try this!

How did you do that?

If I'm God,
I guess you must be Jesus.

You know, you can walk on water.
Come on, try it!

- What a dumb motherfucker!
- Who the hell are you?

You haven't figured it out by now?
I'm future you, buddy.

If you are me, then fuck you!

I mean... fuck me! Whatever!

Wait!

- You can take me wherever I want?
- Where do you wanna go?

So... You gonna hook up with her?

You know what?

Fuck you, dude!

You do know you could've
just gone back to last night

and not got blown by Ramona, right?