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Battle!
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00:00:02,850 --> 00:00:05,350
- Every Tuesday at midnight at The Comedy Store,
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00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:06,820
it's Roast Battle Night.
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00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:08,890
all: Battle! Battle!
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00:00:08,890 --> 00:00:11,190
- The whole thing started by mistake almost.
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00:00:11,190 --> 00:00:14,760
Two comics had a beef, it was about to come to blows.
7
00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:16,830
Moses said... - Settle it on stage.
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00:00:16,830 --> 00:00:19,200
- You wish you had my hair,
'cause guys when they ride you
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00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,940
have to grab on
to your neck fat.
10
00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:24,640
- Now every week it's packed. It's a full-on phenomenon.
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00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,240
- That joke lasted longer
than his first marriage.
12
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:28,840
- So we're taking it on the road:
13
00:00:28,850 --> 00:00:31,580
Austin, Chicago, and New York.
14
00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:32,710
- Listen, I have a joke now.
15
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:33,980
- There's a first time
for everything.
16
00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:35,520
- Ohh!
17
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,390
- We're gonna find the best roasters in the country,
18
00:00:37,390 --> 00:00:38,890
and only the best of the best
19
00:00:38,890 --> 00:00:41,560
are going to the world championships in Montreal.
20
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,590
It's the "Road to Roast Battle,"
21
00:00:43,590 --> 00:00:47,360
and if you can't take a joke get the [bleep] out.
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00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,430
all: Battle! Battle! Battle!
Battle! Battle!
23
00:00:50,430 --> 00:00:52,600
- Everybody, give it up
for Jeff Ross!
24
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,300
[cheers and applause]
25
00:00:56,310 --> 00:00:58,270
- This is Roast Battle.
26
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:02,380
Thank you Jesus for creating
this temple of free speech.
27
00:01:02,380 --> 00:01:03,780
[cheers and applause]
28
00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:08,350
Give it up for
Brian Mother[bleep] Moses!
29
00:01:08,350 --> 00:01:11,750
[cheers and applause]
30
00:01:13,790 --> 00:01:16,860
- Yeah!
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00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:18,760
Let's meet your firing squad
for the evening.
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First guy I'm gonna introduce,
Bobby Lee, everybody.
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- Thank you so much.
34
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,300
Yeah, I'm in
an alpha male sandwich.
35
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,840
- Make it loud
for Dane Cook, everybody.
36
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,800
[cheers and applause]
37
00:01:28,810 --> 00:01:30,910
- Joe Rogan stopped by tonight.
38
00:01:30,910 --> 00:01:32,540
- Ohh!
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00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:33,740
- This is one of the rawest,
40
00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:35,840
best shoes in all
of the country,
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00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:37,450
and I'm honored to be here.
42
00:01:37,450 --> 00:01:39,310
- And we have a very,
very special guest here tonight.
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00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,650
Jimmy Kimmel's here,
everybody.
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00:01:40,650 --> 00:01:42,880
- Hi, everyone.
Hi, Jeff.
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00:01:42,890 --> 00:01:44,720
Thanks.
46
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,520
- Who came to see
verbal violence tonight?
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00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,620
Y'all ready for the roast?
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00:01:49,630 --> 00:01:51,030
Let's make it loud
for everybody's
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favorite depressed person,
Olivia Grace.
50
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,330
[cheers and applause]
51
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:57,770
Make it loud for
Leah Kayajanian.
52
00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:59,670
- We actually battled
once before,
53
00:01:59,670 --> 00:02:01,600
and it ended in a draw.
54
00:02:01,610 --> 00:02:04,640
- Last time I made fun of her
dead retarded brother too much.
55
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,040
So I think I'm gonna back off
a little bit on that one.
56
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,880
- Folks, there's only three
rules here at Roast Battle.
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00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,680
First rule,
nothing's off limits,
58
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:11,850
except for physical contact.
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00:02:11,850 --> 00:02:13,380
Second rule of roast battle,
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00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:14,680
original material only.
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00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,950
Third rule,
at the end of every battle,
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00:02:16,950 --> 00:02:18,690
we hug.
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00:02:18,690 --> 00:02:19,920
[cheers and applause]
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00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,360
Let's roast!
[bell dings]
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00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,290
- You know, I wish
my nose were smaller,
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00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:27,530
then I wouldn't know you smell
like jizz and turkey legs.
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00:02:27,530 --> 00:02:29,860
[crowd oohs]
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00:02:29,870 --> 00:02:31,470
- Leah's face is so beat up
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00:02:31,470 --> 00:02:33,370
because birds keep
flying into it,
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00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,000
thinking it's
their reflection.
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00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:37,410
[crowd oohs]
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00:02:37,410 --> 00:02:39,010
[laughter]
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00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:41,640
- Olivia's vagina
is so stretched out,
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00:02:41,650 --> 00:02:43,680
it doesn't queef, it coughs.
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00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,750
[laughter]
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00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:49,480
- Leah's brother
killed himself,
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00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:53,050
which explains why her tits
are always at half-mast.
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00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:55,820
[crowd oohs]
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00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:58,830
["Taps" plays]
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♪ ♪
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00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:01,900
- Look at these two, Moses.
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00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:06,070
I didn't know Hot Topic
had a softball team.
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00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:07,700
Olivia's 20 years old.
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00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,440
She's not even allowed
in the club.
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00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,770
To see her kill like that...
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00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:13,710
- Olivia's last joke
was personal,
87
00:03:13,710 --> 00:03:16,440
and I really, really enjoyed it
because it's brave
88
00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:17,850
and [bleep] up.
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00:03:17,850 --> 00:03:18,980
- Thank you.
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00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:21,420
- The last bit by Olivia
[bleep] crushed,
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00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:23,080
and I give this one
to Olivia.
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00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:25,120
And I've seen her last time,
and she's even better this time.
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00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,060
- Thanks, Dane.
- Wow.
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00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:30,830
Please, make it very loud
for Olivia Grace!
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00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,590
- Thank you. - She wouldn't say it.
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00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,030
I'll say it for her,
she [bleep] crushed.
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00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:35,900
- Thank you, I appreciate it.
That was terrifying.
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00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,030
It was like being on a roller
coaster made of diarrhea.
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00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:41,640
- Wow, George, you're such
a natural up here.
100
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,140
You know where
all the cameras are.
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00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,970
I guess you learned that
from years of shoplifting.
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00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,740
- Sarah is like a piñata.
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00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:51,080
You gotta be blindfold
before you hit it.
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00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,150
- George is no stranger
to stereotypes,
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00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:58,020
because he's stolen
Sonys, Samsungs, JVCs.
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00:03:58,020 --> 00:03:59,720
[crowd ooh, cheers]
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00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,090
- Everybody, keep it going
for Coach T in the back.
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00:04:02,090 --> 00:04:03,790
[cheers and applause]
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00:04:03,790 --> 00:04:05,460
First cat I'm bringing up
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00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:07,400
wrote in the last ten
Comedy Central Roasts.
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00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,430
Make it loud for Jesse Joyce.
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00:04:09,430 --> 00:04:12,900
[rock music]
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Folks, make it loud
for Mr. Earl Skakel.
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[cheers and applause]
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00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:20,440
[bagpipe music plays]
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crowd chanting:
Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!
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00:04:23,110 --> 00:04:25,910
Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!
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00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,680
Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!
119
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- That's the kind of
theatrics one does
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00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:32,050
when they don't write jokes.
121
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:33,120
- Ohh!
- Right?
122
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,860
Is that kinda
how this goes, right?
123
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:37,430
Is that sort of--
- Shots fired!
124
00:04:37,430 --> 00:04:39,090
- Let me take a shit
on that paper
125
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,800
so there's
something funny on it.
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00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,700
[crowd oohs]
127
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,870
- Who wants to go first?
128
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,100
- Well, he's the big pro.
129
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,640
I think he should.
130
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,840
- I'll open for
Rob Schneider's opener, sure.
131
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,140
Why not? Right?
- Let's roast!
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00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:52,170
[cheers and applause]
133
00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:54,580
- All right.
134
00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,710
- Come on, he's got
a hot one on the griddle.
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00:04:56,710 --> 00:04:58,950
- I do, I do.
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00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:01,050
Earl was born with
a silver spoon in his mouth,
137
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:03,890
and he's gonna die with
Rob Schneider's dick in it.
138
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:07,120
Earl, listen, if you're gonna
suck somebody's [bleep]
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00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,760
to get ahead
in show business,
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00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,460
maybe you shouldn't
pick a guy
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00:05:10,460 --> 00:05:12,060
who's already sucking
somebody's [bleep]
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00:05:12,060 --> 00:05:13,700
to get ahead in show business.
143
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:15,760
Earl is the back-end--
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00:05:15,770 --> 00:05:17,530
- Wait a second.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
145
00:05:17,530 --> 00:05:20,230
- Earl is the back end of
a Happy Madison Human Centipede.
146
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,840
- Rules, rules, sir.
There are rules.
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00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,540
- It's the same joke.
148
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,240
- No, no, that's definitely
not the same joke.
149
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,480
- Jesus Christ, that joke lasted
longer than his first marriage.
150
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:29,980
[crowd oohs]
151
00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:32,250
I'll take "Rebuttals"
for 500, Alex.
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00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,150
[laughter]
153
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:38,950
- Last joke, last joke.
154
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,060
- When did he have
a first joke?
155
00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:43,590
- This is--okay.
156
00:05:43,590 --> 00:05:45,990
Earl's parents died
20 years ago,
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00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,930
and if they
came back to life today
158
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:49,560
and you showed them
his résumé,
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00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,870
they wouldn't know
any time had passed.
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00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:53,600
[sad trombone plays]
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00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,940
- I'll take "Bombing"
for a thousand, Alex.
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00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,810
[laughter]
163
00:05:57,810 --> 00:05:59,740
Jesse, what's with
the earring, dude?
164
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:01,280
You're so far
back in the closet,
165
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,610
I gotta give you
to Goodwill tomorrow.
166
00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:05,280
- Okay.
167
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,550
[laughter]
168
00:06:08,550 --> 00:06:11,020
- Jess, your runner
up front was good,
169
00:06:11,020 --> 00:06:14,090
but it was just, like, two
or three jokes in one joke.
170
00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:17,020
- That was like playing
[bleep] "Mortal Kombat"
171
00:06:17,030 --> 00:06:19,290
and the other guy's
controller's battery died.
172
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,060
- Earl, you got on stage
with a performance.
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00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:24,000
Like, everybody loves you
before you even start,
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00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,600
which is kind of cheating.
Plus you have a beautiful body.
175
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,900
I like what you're doing
with your pants.
176
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:30,970
- I thought Jesse's jokes
were great.
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00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:33,880
He came out
in ill-fitting clothing and--
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00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,740
- Thanks.
- But Earl--
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00:06:35,750 --> 00:06:38,310
I'm gonna take Earl
from Rob Schneider.
180
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,680
- Ohhh!
- This guy's [bleep]--
181
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,550
- This guy's amazing, so...
- I like this guy.
182
00:06:42,550 --> 00:06:44,190
I do, I like him.
183
00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:46,550
Beforehand, I was a little like,
"I'm not sure about this dude,"
184
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,620
but he won me over,
totally.
185
00:06:48,630 --> 00:06:51,890
- You're with me now.
- Whoa! Whoa!
186
00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:54,330
- Comedy Central
is not ready for this.
187
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,130
- Austin, Texas.
- Yee-haw!
188
00:06:56,130 --> 00:06:57,770
- Like we're at a Trump rally,
get nuts!
189
00:06:57,770 --> 00:06:59,100
- That's well-done.
- I'm hoping to see some real,
190
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,470
you know, down south racism.
191
00:07:02,110 --> 00:07:03,200
[rock music]
192
00:07:03,210 --> 00:07:04,910
- Yee-haw!
193
00:07:04,910 --> 00:07:06,570
- These roast battles, you know,
194
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:08,440
they're the coolest thing in comedy right now, I think.
195
00:07:08,450 --> 00:07:11,180
- Turn that music up, Coach.
Everybody, battle!
196
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:13,250
Like we're at a Trump rally,
get nuts!
197
00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:15,180
[cheers and applause]
198
00:07:15,190 --> 00:07:16,550
First cat I'm bringing
to the stage,
199
00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:18,320
his grandmother's
in the crowd right now.
200
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,120
So please make it very loud
for Jay Light.
201
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,990
[cheers and applause]
202
00:07:21,990 --> 00:07:23,290
Her grandmother's dead.
203
00:07:23,290 --> 00:07:24,930
Make it loud
for Ashley Barnhill.
204
00:07:24,930 --> 00:07:27,430
Let's roast!
[bell dings]
205
00:07:27,430 --> 00:07:29,260
- Ashley used to be
a personal trainer,
206
00:07:29,270 --> 00:07:32,030
and she still has
washboard tits.
207
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:36,140
[horn sounds]
208
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:38,310
- Jay looks like the KKK member
209
00:07:38,310 --> 00:07:40,310
that washes everyone's hoods.
210
00:07:40,310 --> 00:07:41,980
[laughter]
211
00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:43,740
- Ashley's dad has Alzheimer's,
212
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,180
and it's too bad.
213
00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:48,780
Now you have to disappoint him
every single day.
214
00:07:48,790 --> 00:07:51,520
[crowd oohs]
215
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,750
- Last joke, last joke.
216
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,760
- Yeah, Jay,
my dad has Alzheimer's.
217
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,330
I've had to change
his dirty diapers.
218
00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:59,960
But your comedy is
the worst shit I've ever seen.
219
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,260
[crowd oohs]
220
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:02,830
- Ashley looks like she knows
221
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:05,170
where all her ex-boyfriend''
pets are buried.
222
00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:06,800
Where'd you get
that outfit,
223
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,140
the Casey Anthony
Collection?
224
00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:09,500
- Hey, hey, hey,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
225
00:08:09,510 --> 00:08:11,910
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Save that heat.
226
00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:15,480
Save that heat, save that heat,
save that heat.
227
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,880
Save it, save it!
228
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,450
- Ashley looks like she just
poisoned her husband.
229
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,120
[laughter]
230
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,350
- Ashley had some
really funny comebacks.
231
00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:28,220
I feel like the most, like,
solid and sort of consistent
232
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:31,130
throughout the battle was Jay,
so I'm gonna vote for Jay.
233
00:08:31,130 --> 00:08:33,860
[cheers and applause]
234
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:36,760
- Ashley looks really pissed.
235
00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:38,230
- I'm smiling.
236
00:08:38,230 --> 00:08:40,230
- Yeah, that's the creepy part.
237
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:44,440
That's--you smiling scares
the [bleep] shit out of me.
238
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,940
- All Robert Kelly's exes
live in Texas.
239
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:50,040
They're before the Ls
on his shirts.
240
00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,880
- Yeah, see, you could have
ended on a good one,
241
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,380
but you [bleep] didn't.
That's why you lost.
242
00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:56,420
You don't know when
to shut the [bleep] up.
243
00:08:56,420 --> 00:08:58,090
- Jay Light!
244
00:08:58,090 --> 00:09:01,360
Hug each other.
Don't hurt each other.
245
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,120
- I have resting bitch face.
246
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,930
Jay has resting "make me
your bitch" face.
247
00:09:04,930 --> 00:09:07,090
- Ah.
- Jay's grandma's here.
248
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:08,930
How can you beat that?
I mean, even though I think
249
00:09:08,930 --> 00:09:10,530
she should have died
a long time ago.
250
00:09:10,530 --> 00:09:14,440
His ancestors should have
ended with a peanut allergy.
251
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,240
- Battle! Battle! Battle!
252
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,440
- Yes!
all: Battle! Battle!
253
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,310
- Please make it loud
for Kath Barbadoro.
254
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,340
Make it loud for Chris Cubas.
255
00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:24,210
- We're really good friends,
256
00:09:24,210 --> 00:09:26,280
but I also know he can be super mean.
257
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,920
And now he's
right behind you.
258
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,350
What's up?
I'm talking about you.
259
00:09:29,350 --> 00:09:31,050
- You wanna talk shit?
- Let's talk some shit.
260
00:09:31,050 --> 00:09:32,320
- We got beef?
Let's do this.
261
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,060
- Look at this black man
victimizing me.
262
00:09:35,060 --> 00:09:37,160
- That was too much.
I'm sorry.
263
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,090
- Let's roast!
[bell dings]
264
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,560
- Chris Cubas
is the guy Hogwarts sends
265
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,370
when Hagrid decides the
neighborhood is too dangerous.
266
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:46,770
[laughter and cheers]
267
00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:52,440
[gunshots]
268
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,380
- Kath Barbadoro is against
fat shaming, obviously.
269
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:57,950
[laughter]
270
00:09:57,950 --> 00:10:00,180
You being against fat shaming
is like Jeff Ross
271
00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:02,050
being against D-list
celebrity shaming,
272
00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:04,520
or looking like a World War II
273
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,890
propaganda drawing
of a Jew shaming,
274
00:10:06,890 --> 00:10:09,060
or any of those things.
275
00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:10,760
- I can't believe you're
doing fat jokes about me.
276
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,060
You look like
a diabetic Babadook.
277
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:15,500
- Whoo, that's well done.
278
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,330
Kath Barbadoro grew up
with a lot of money.
279
00:10:18,330 --> 00:10:20,130
Kath Barbadoro is what
happens when you're born
280
00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:22,170
with a ton of white privilege
but you use it all
281
00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:24,240
to skip the line
at Cici's Pizza.
282
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,070
[laughter and cheering]
283
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,410
[gunfire]
284
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:33,680
- Blob Marley had
some great jokes.
285
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:37,750
And Kath, you look like every
gay guy's first girlfriend.
286
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:39,090
[laughter]
287
00:10:39,090 --> 00:10:41,020
- I provide that service, yes.
288
00:10:41,020 --> 00:10:42,360
- I think you look great
by the way, honey.
289
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,360
- Thank you.
290
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,130
- You're my type
of chubby chick.
291
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:46,630
- That's all I ask for.
292
00:10:46,630 --> 00:10:48,060
- Kath, I'm going for you.
Sorry, so--
293
00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:49,930
- Thank you.
- You both killed it though.
294
00:10:49,930 --> 00:10:53,300
- I think I'm gonna have to go
with homeless Morgan Freeman.
295
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,970
- You're the winner of this one.
Congratulations.
296
00:10:55,970 --> 00:10:56,970
- Cubas!
297
00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:58,410
[cheers and applause]
298
00:10:58,410 --> 00:11:00,510
- Roast Battle, Chicago.
299
00:11:00,510 --> 00:11:02,340
- [laughs]
300
00:11:02,350 --> 00:11:04,280
- Come on, fat boy.
You gotta do better than that.
301
00:11:07,450 --> 00:11:08,480
- From what I'm hearing,
302
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,020
these guys came to Chicago
303
00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:12,090
to get roasted, 'cause that's what we do.
304
00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:13,520
We do that here.
305
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,660
- They brought the hottest show in L.A. to Chicago,
306
00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:18,730
and I'm ready for these Chicago
fools to just rip dicks off.
307
00:11:18,730 --> 00:11:21,530
It's gonna be awesome.
- Can we say "rip dicks"?
308
00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:24,700
- Road to Roast Battle!
309
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,500
all: Battle! Battle!
Battle! Battle!
310
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,240
- Chi-Town, how we feeling?
311
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,770
Make it loud for Sean White.
312
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:34,310
[cheers and applause]
313
00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,710
Please make it loud
for Xavier Lamont, everybody.
314
00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:38,510
[cheers and applause]
315
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:39,510
- This is gonna be fun.
316
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:40,850
This looks like Paul Walker
317
00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:42,550
versus the tree he ran into.
318
00:11:42,550 --> 00:11:45,390
- Ohh!
- Damn!
319
00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:47,560
Let's roast!
[bell dings]
320
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:48,990
- Hey, man, when you were born,
321
00:11:48,990 --> 00:11:50,760
was it vaginal, cesarean,
322
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,460
or you just
eat your way out?
323
00:11:52,460 --> 00:11:56,330
[laughter]
324
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:59,170
- Dude, you look like
the spokesperson for date rape.
325
00:11:59,170 --> 00:12:01,800
Like, there's definitely
an "SVU" about your love life.
326
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,040
[cheering]
327
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,170
- Too bad we're not
roasting him for real,
328
00:12:05,170 --> 00:12:06,640
'cause there'd be enough
of his fat ass
329
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,640
to feed this whole city block.
330
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,750
Just the foot he's
gonna lose to diabetes
331
00:12:11,750 --> 00:12:14,280
is enough to feed this whole
mother[bleep] room.
332
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,620
[laughter]
333
00:12:15,620 --> 00:12:17,720
- I love that your family died
334
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,550
and that you talk
about it onstage.
335
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,220
That's incredible for the lead
suspect in all their murders.
336
00:12:23,230 --> 00:12:25,360
That's real, real, O.J. of you,
my [bleep].
337
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,730
That's crazy.
[bell dings]
338
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,760
- Sean, you got balls
coming out here in Chicago,
339
00:12:29,770 --> 00:12:32,470
roasting a deep dish person.
340
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:33,730
[laughter]
341
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,070
- Sean, man,
I would drink with you
342
00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:36,270
just so you'd talk about me,
343
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:38,140
then I'd slap the shit
out of your head.
344
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:39,840
You will get slapped!
345
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,210
Give it up for Sean one more
time, man. You got my vote.
346
00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:44,250
- There was like a minute
in the middle of his thing
347
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,810
where I'm like,
"He is the devil."
348
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:48,080
When you look at him,
he's the devil.
349
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,450
- Here's the good news.
We think that you won tonight.
350
00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,890
You guys both battled
really hard,
351
00:12:51,890 --> 00:12:53,250
and I love
the jokes you brought.
352
00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:54,890
- Sean, congrats.
You don't have to sell meth
353
00:12:54,890 --> 00:12:56,960
out of an Uber anymore.
354
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,560
- Make it loud, Sean White!
355
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:03,360
Aww, look at that.
356
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:04,600
[cheers and applause]
357
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,270
- Meredith wears
so much foundation,
358
00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:10,600
every time she has sex,
it's makeup sex.
359
00:13:10,610 --> 00:13:12,340
- Jeff's last name is Arcuri,
360
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:14,040
which means that Honda
now has a name
361
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,840
for a new car
that just runs on jizz.
362
00:13:16,850 --> 00:13:20,110
- You look like siblings
with sexual tension.
363
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,180
- Game of Moans.
364
00:13:22,190 --> 00:13:24,190
- Sean knows what
it's like to be sober
365
00:13:24,190 --> 00:13:25,590
like I know
what it's like to find
366
00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:27,690
a good-fitting pair of gloves.
367
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:31,260
- [screaming]
368
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:32,560
- Kolin,
I gotta hand it to you,
369
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,400
I didn't think you'd be able
to grasp the concept
370
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,600
of Roast Battle,
but even when things
371
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,230
were out of reach,
you still held your own.
372
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:40,470
- Let's make it loud
for Ms. Pat.
373
00:13:40,470 --> 00:13:42,140
[cheers and applause]
374
00:13:42,140 --> 00:13:44,310
Make it really loud for
CJ Sullivan, everybody.
375
00:13:44,310 --> 00:13:45,340
[cheers and applause]
376
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:47,940
- Yeah! Yes!
377
00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:49,380
- Let's roast!
[bell dings]
378
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:51,250
- Mmm-mmm.
379
00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:53,080
I'm just happy
to be roasting somebody
380
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,120
with the same size titties
as I got.
381
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,520
[crowd oohs]
382
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,390
[cheering]
383
00:13:59,390 --> 00:14:02,990
- Speaking of titties,
Ms. Pat's been shot twice.
384
00:14:02,990 --> 00:14:06,060
Once right through the back
of her entire breast.
385
00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:08,060
Her milk's got
more lead poisoning
386
00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:10,630
than the water
in Flint, Michigan.
387
00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:12,570
And it's killed
more black kids.
388
00:14:12,570 --> 00:14:14,740
[gunshots]
389
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:16,940
- Come on, fat boy,
you gotta do better than that.
390
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:21,080
CJ, your neck and my son's dick
got something in common.
391
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,380
Both of them
is uncircumcised.
392
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:25,510
[laughter]
393
00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:27,510
- I know it's tough
being a woman in comedy.
394
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:28,950
You have to go through
a lot of stuff.
395
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:32,090
Luckily, you never had to worry
about being raped by Bill Cosby,
396
00:14:32,090 --> 00:14:33,820
'cause they can't
deep-fry a roofie.
397
00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:35,420
[crowd oohs]
398
00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:36,890
[bell dings]
399
00:14:36,890 --> 00:14:40,390
- Okay, okay, okay.
400
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,960
[laughter]
401
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,200
- Did you see the battle,
Hannibal?
402
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,800
- I saw the whole thing.
403
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:49,700
Just a lot of different angles
on fat jokes and race jokes.
404
00:14:49,710 --> 00:14:51,510
It was a great battle.
405
00:14:51,510 --> 00:14:53,610
- CJ, you were great, bro.
You was hilarious.
406
00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:54,780
- Thank you, Rel.
407
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:57,280
- But I'm going to with Pat,
408
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,110
because I just feel like she was
just naturally hitting it.
409
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,320
[cheers and applause]
410
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,120
- Now, this was
a great battle,
411
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,450
because it was
two different styles.
412
00:15:05,450 --> 00:15:07,450
Both of them fat.
- That's what I'm saying.
413
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:09,990
- Excuse me, I'm not fat.
I'm thick.
414
00:15:09,990 --> 00:15:11,530
- You are thick, girl.
- Hell yes.
415
00:15:11,530 --> 00:15:14,190
- Yes.
- I am fat, you're right.
416
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,500
- In this battle right here
that was so close to call,
417
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,900
I'm gonna give it to CJ.
418
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,770
I'm gonna make my man Jeff Ross
close this thing.
419
00:15:19,770 --> 00:15:22,670
- Oh, we got a tie-breaker.
420
00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:26,070
- There's an undeniable
crowd love for Ms. Pat,
421
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,010
especially in
this part of town.
422
00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:30,510
But this is all he has.
423
00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:32,480
[laughter]
424
00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:37,690
- You're not lying.
- Oh! Oh!
425
00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:40,390
- A very, very rare tie.
Congratulations.
426
00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:42,190
- Ohhh! A tie!
427
00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:44,090
Ms. Pat, CJ Sullivan,
make it loud!
428
00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:46,560
- He did a great job.
429
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,100
That roofie joke,
430
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,530
the deep-fried roofie joke,
I was like,
431
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:51,570
"Oh, you fat [bleep].
Why didn't I think of that?"
432
00:15:51,570 --> 00:15:53,470
- [laughs]
433
00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:56,540
- New York City, where I learned
how to bust balls.
434
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,340
- How dare you?
- Oh!
435
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:01,340
- Oh, come on,
this is on TV, guys.
436
00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:03,740
- It's family entertainment at its [bleep] worst.
437
00:16:05,650 --> 00:16:08,080
- We are in New York City.
438
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,280
- Two comics going at it,
439
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:10,520
at it's people that aren't, like,
440
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,920
household names, and they get a chance
441
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,360
to kinda go at it and show, like, their chops.
442
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:15,760
It's gonna be
the best show ever.
443
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,690
- Battle! Battle!
444
00:16:18,690 --> 00:16:20,090
Yes!
445
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,560
Make it loud for
Christi Chiello, everybody.
446
00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:25,800
So please make it loud
for Sam Morril.
447
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:26,800
- Yeah.
- Let's roast!
448
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,370
[bell dings]
449
00:16:28,370 --> 00:16:31,470
- You look like Renée Zellweger
swallowed a Teletubby.
450
00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:33,210
You don't look like
a comedian Christi.
451
00:16:33,210 --> 00:16:35,080
You look more like
a Governor Christi.
452
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,380
[crowd oohs]
453
00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:38,910
- Sam, you look like
if somebody took
454
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:42,820
two adorable fuzzy caterpillars
455
00:16:42,820 --> 00:16:47,250
and drowned them
in a bucket of [bleep].
456
00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:49,890
- Christi's tough.
She made it through skin cancer.
457
00:16:49,890 --> 00:16:52,130
I couldn't make it through
one of her YouTube videos.
458
00:16:52,130 --> 00:16:54,190
She was so happy
when she beat cancer
459
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,730
'cause it's the only time
anyone ever told her
460
00:16:55,730 --> 00:16:57,000
she's gonna make it.
461
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,930
[laughter]
462
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,540
- Brutal, Sam.
463
00:17:03,540 --> 00:17:07,640
- Watching your monotone,
lifeless half-hour special
464
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,710
was the most difficult thing
I've ever had to endure,
465
00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:13,250
and I beat cancer.
466
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:14,780
[bell dings]
467
00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:18,490
- There was some genuine
[bleep] mean shit between you.
468
00:17:18,490 --> 00:17:20,350
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah, that was crazy.
469
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:24,490
I was having trauma
from my childhood watching that.
470
00:17:24,490 --> 00:17:27,290
I'll give it to Sam,
but I thought good battle.
471
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,700
- I'm gonna go with Sam,
because I want him
472
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:33,300
to stick with comedy
and not become a cop.
473
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:37,270
- I think the real winner here
is camel toe, and, uh--
474
00:17:37,270 --> 00:17:39,240
- Wait, [bleep].
Am I showing?
475
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:40,540
- Christi, you're awesome,
but he [bleep]
476
00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:42,740
bang-bang-bang-bang,
and of course, you know--
477
00:17:42,750 --> 00:17:44,780
- Thank you, man.
- I'm loving it.
478
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:46,910
- Thank you guys.
- One more time, Sam Morril!
479
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,120
- I think Christi's got a bright future with these roasts.
480
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,990
Like, very venomous,
very unexpected, so--
481
00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:53,850
- Do you really mean that?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
482
00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:57,260
Very good stuff.
- I feel like I won.
483
00:17:57,260 --> 00:17:59,660
- Well, you didn't.
So don't get it twisted.
484
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:02,700
- Yamaneika had a rough
couple years before now.
485
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:05,730
Two years ago she was
axed from "Last Comic Standing."
486
00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:09,170
And last year she was axed
to leave an Old Country Buffet.
487
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:12,140
- His entire act is gonna be
how fat, how black I am.
488
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,040
He's never gonna mention once
that my clit
489
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,280
is bigger than his dick.
490
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,640
- Wow.
491
00:18:16,650 --> 00:18:19,680
- Thank you,
Kevin Heart Failure.
492
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,450
Ouzts actually
just got off a tour.
493
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:23,980
of the Wonka Factory.
494
00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:25,990
- Make it loud for
Scott Chaplain, everybody.
495
00:18:25,990 --> 00:18:28,090
[cheers and applause]
496
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:30,520
Let's make it loud
for Mike Lawrence.
497
00:18:30,530 --> 00:18:33,190
- I didn't realize
how much shit annoyed me
498
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,960
about this little bastard
499
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,530
until I had
to write jokes about him.
500
00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:41,100
- I just want to slit
his [bleep] throat, you know?
501
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:42,570
That came off weird.
502
00:18:42,570 --> 00:18:45,010
- Let's roast!
- All right.
503
00:18:45,010 --> 00:18:48,510
- Scott's dad was a cop
who died in New Jersey.
504
00:18:48,510 --> 00:18:50,980
He spent 59 years
in the Garden State
505
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:53,310
and three weeks
in a vegetative one.
506
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,780
[laughter]
507
00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:56,380
- At least I know my dad's
watching this from heaven.
508
00:18:56,390 --> 00:18:59,150
Your dad won't even
watch you on Seth Meyers.
509
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,790
[bleep], dude--
510
00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:01,920
- Says the guy
who's biggest--
511
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,120
- No, it's crazy.
It was [bleep] weird.
512
00:19:03,130 --> 00:19:05,130
Listen, I have a joke now,
okay?
513
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:07,130
- There's a first time
for everything.
514
00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:09,300
- Wow.
- Mother[bleep].
515
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:12,230
- Scott's sister
is a stripper.
516
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:13,800
She's really ashamed of it,
517
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,270
so in order
to stay anonymous
518
00:19:15,270 --> 00:19:18,110
she uses the stage name
Scott Chaplain.
519
00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:20,510
- Wow, that's a great one.
- Mother[bleep].
520
00:19:20,510 --> 00:19:23,310
Oh, come on,
this is on TV, guys!
521
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:24,950
[bomb falling, exploding]
522
00:19:24,950 --> 00:19:27,710
- Mike--Mike was gay
for a while.
523
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,520
Like, he [bleep] guys
and stuff.
524
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,890
And just to clarify,
he would, like, [bleep] dudes
525
00:19:31,890 --> 00:19:34,890
and blow 'em, and now
he's married to a woman.
526
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,860
She loves everything about him,
especially his beard,
527
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,860
'cause it still smells
like other dudes' dicks.
528
00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:42,600
[bell dings]
529
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,300
- One of them look like he knows
how to make his own beer.
530
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:46,930
[laughter]
531
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:48,170
And the other one looks like
532
00:19:48,170 --> 00:19:50,000
he knows how to make
his own lube.
533
00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:53,740
And, um--but I think I'm gonna
give it to Brooklyn Santa.
534
00:19:53,740 --> 00:19:56,740
I think Brooklyn Santa
knows what he's doing.
535
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:58,850
- This was so [bleep] funny.
I mean, this was great.
536
00:19:58,850 --> 00:20:01,110
Technically, Mike had
the better jokes, I thought.
537
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,150
But you don't have a career,
so I vote for you.
538
00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:04,650
- Thank you, thank you.
- Oh, Jesus!
539
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:06,890
- No, that's great.
Thank you so much.
540
00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:09,260
- [bleep], you guys--
Who hurt you?
541
00:20:09,260 --> 00:20:11,090
[laughter]
542
00:20:11,090 --> 00:20:12,630
I gotta go Mike Lawrence, man.
543
00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:15,630
The shirt's terrible,
but I gotta go Mike Lawrence.
544
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:16,860
Yeah, definitely.
545
00:20:16,870 --> 00:20:18,870
- Mike Lawrence,
you are the Jennifer Lawrence
546
00:20:18,870 --> 00:20:21,270
of ugly people.
547
00:20:21,270 --> 00:20:22,940
You're unstoppable.
Congratulations.
548
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,140
- Thank you, man.
- Wow.
549
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,870
- Please make it loud
for Mike Lawrence!
550
00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:27,110
Hug each other.
551
00:20:27,110 --> 00:20:28,880
- Thank you, everybody.
552
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,910
Love you guys.
- Yeah!
553
00:20:30,910 --> 00:20:32,310
- Good night!
554
00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:34,380
Fun tour, Moses. - That's it.
555
00:20:34,380 --> 00:20:36,880
That's Road to Roast Battle.
It's over.
556
00:20:36,890 --> 00:20:38,320
- We found some great people.
557
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,790
- The best roasters in the world.
558
00:20:39,790 --> 00:20:41,720
- So we'll take those people plus some others
559
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,690
up to Montreal for the world championships
560
00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:45,130
of competitive roasting.
561
00:20:45,130 --> 00:20:47,090
Great--great job, buddy.
Great tour.
562
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,560
- I love you.
- Love you, bud.
563
00:20:49,570 --> 00:20:50,930
- Aw.
- Montreal.
564
00:20:50,930 --> 00:20:52,170
- Montreal.
42169
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