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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:06,571 I cannot afford to lose momentum on my book, 2 00:00:06,596 --> 00:00:09,303 and this hunk of junk last night started doing that... 3 00:00:09,328 --> 00:00:11,129 that spinning rainbow wheel thing? 4 00:00:11,154 --> 00:00:13,426 And then I... I tried to fix it by mashing all the keys, 5 00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:16,321 and it started bonking at me like, "Bonk, bonk, bonk." 6 00:00:16,371 --> 00:00:18,867 And then it sounded like my hair dryer was in there, or something? 7 00:00:18,891 --> 00:00:21,241 - You have a hair dryer? - Okay, here we go. 8 00:00:21,266 --> 00:00:22,316 Yeah, yeah. 9 00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:23,477 Yeah, you have time to dry your hair 10 00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:24,632 but not put on real pants, right? 11 00:00:24,656 --> 00:00:26,527 And do you use the hair dryer to heat up your TV dinners 12 00:00:26,551 --> 00:00:27,681 and so on, and so forth? 13 00:00:27,721 --> 00:00:29,331 Get it out now, ladies. Very funny stuff. 14 00:00:30,536 --> 00:00:32,086 - We got you. - Yeah, yeah, you got me. 15 00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:33,966 All right, so is there, like, a computer lab? 16 00:00:33,991 --> 00:00:35,357 I... I gotta get my work done, here. 17 00:00:35,381 --> 00:00:37,016 Yes, but you'd never catch me 18 00:00:37,041 --> 00:00:38,367 touching the keyboards in the lab. 19 00:00:38,391 --> 00:00:40,431 I mean, kids put their fingers everywhere. 20 00:00:40,456 --> 00:00:42,902 They touch turtles. 21 00:00:43,074 --> 00:00:44,717 All right, yeah, but I don't have a choice, okay? 22 00:00:44,741 --> 00:00:46,273 'Cause the only computer I can afford right now 23 00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:48,661 is, like, a used OLPC XO, 24 00:00:48,692 --> 00:00:50,881 which is a remedial device used by children 25 00:00:50,914 --> 00:00:51,946 in third-world countries. 26 00:00:51,971 --> 00:00:53,791 Good morning, Whitlockians. 27 00:00:53,816 --> 00:00:55,856 Did you guys get the memo? 28 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,581 "This year's 'Whitlock's Got Talent' 29 00:00:58,606 --> 00:01:01,126 is going to be the best ever!" 30 00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:02,697 - Yes, we hear you! - Well, let me see that. 31 00:01:02,721 --> 00:01:04,541 What? 32 00:01:04,566 --> 00:01:05,667 This is a doctor's letter 33 00:01:05,692 --> 00:01:07,113 saying that you can use the bathroom on planes 34 00:01:07,137 --> 00:01:09,161 even when the seatbelt sign is on. 35 00:01:09,201 --> 00:01:10,811 Oh, Durbs. 36 00:01:10,836 --> 00:01:13,626 Why would you use this paper as your fake memo? 37 00:01:13,651 --> 00:01:14,721 I don't know, all right? 38 00:01:14,746 --> 00:01:16,568 But I desperately need that back. 39 00:01:16,593 --> 00:01:17,794 Mm-hmm. 40 00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:21,375 The one thing I would like you all to take 41 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,531 from this interaction 42 00:01:22,556 --> 00:01:25,875 is that the talent show is going to be fun. 43 00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:27,961 I hate the talent show. 44 00:01:28,001 --> 00:01:29,811 No one signed up for my bell choir. 45 00:01:30,005 --> 00:01:31,225 Third year in a row. 46 00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:32,860 Oh, I'll sign up. 47 00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:34,585 Yeah. Girl, we got you. 48 00:01:34,610 --> 00:01:35,757 Girl, what if mine were all fast? 49 00:01:35,781 --> 00:01:37,655 Like, ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding. 50 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,187 Mm-hmm, and then I'll go like: 51 00:01:39,212 --> 00:01:40,432 ♪ Bong ♪ 52 00:01:40,457 --> 00:01:41,789 - You can't actually do two... - ♪ Bong ♪ 53 00:01:41,813 --> 00:01:43,513 - At once. - Ding-ding-ding-ding. 54 00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,498 Bonk. Bonk, bonk. 55 00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,436 No, no. 56 00:01:47,461 --> 00:01:48,961 - No! - Guys, guys. 57 00:01:48,986 --> 00:01:51,531 That's great, but you're still gonna need some students. 58 00:01:51,556 --> 00:01:53,686 This is a talent show for students. 59 00:01:53,711 --> 00:01:56,680 Our sponsor, Greta Donovan from Donovan Exterminators, 60 00:01:56,705 --> 00:01:58,575 has upped the prize money 61 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,000 to $3,000. 62 00:02:01,025 --> 00:02:02,668 - Ooh! - Been a very good year. 63 00:02:02,693 --> 00:02:04,433 Wait, I'm sorry, $3,000? 64 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,638 You're just gonna give a bunch of kids $3,000? 65 00:02:06,663 --> 00:02:09,453 I mean, that... that's the price of a first-world computer. 66 00:02:09,478 --> 00:02:11,507 We make the check out to their faculty advisor. 67 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:12,602 We're not stupid. 68 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,391 We're gonna win the talent show. 69 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,314 ♪ A.P. Bio 2x11 ♪ Spectacle 70 00:02:28,339 --> 00:02:30,839 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 71 00:02:31,102 --> 00:02:32,162 - Mr. Griffin? - Yeah. 72 00:02:32,187 --> 00:02:34,222 Why would you choose to do an extracurricular 73 00:02:34,247 --> 00:02:36,027 when you don't even do regular curricular? 74 00:02:36,052 --> 00:02:38,312 Look, guys, the answer is simple, okay? 75 00:02:38,329 --> 00:02:39,389 I love talent. 76 00:02:39,414 --> 00:02:41,134 We could use the money to have a pizza party 77 00:02:41,237 --> 00:02:42,497 with all kinds of pizzas. 78 00:02:42,522 --> 00:02:44,341 - Pepperoni pizza... - Meat lover's pizza. 79 00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:46,095 - I like Hawaiian pizza. - What are we doing, guys? 80 00:02:46,119 --> 00:02:47,733 We're just gonna list all the pizzas in the world? 81 00:02:47,757 --> 00:02:49,030 Yeah, sure, we'll have a pizza party. 82 00:02:49,054 --> 00:02:50,794 But first we gotta find some talent, okay? 83 00:02:50,819 --> 00:02:52,095 So let's... let's start over here. 84 00:02:52,119 --> 00:02:54,679 - Marissa, what do you got? - I could say the alphabet backwards. 85 00:02:55,068 --> 00:02:57,689 "Z-Y-X-V..." 86 00:02:58,909 --> 00:03:00,493 - "T"... - Yeah, that stinks. 87 00:03:00,518 --> 00:03:02,024 It really does. Who else? 88 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,329 I can juggle four balls. 89 00:03:04,722 --> 00:03:06,049 Make that five. 90 00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:08,700 - I also do magic. - Mm-hmm. 91 00:03:08,725 --> 00:03:10,055 You just keep getting worse. 92 00:03:10,775 --> 00:03:12,165 Come on guys. Who else, who else, who else? 93 00:03:12,189 --> 00:03:13,425 Uh, Dan. Dan, what's your talent? 94 00:03:13,449 --> 00:03:16,070 I mean, I could throw food up in the air and catch it in my mouth. 95 00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:17,149 - Really? - Yeah. 96 00:03:17,174 --> 00:03:18,254 Let me see that. 97 00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:22,304 Oh, whoa, that was awesome. 98 00:03:22,329 --> 00:03:23,475 He caught popcorn in his mouth. 99 00:03:23,499 --> 00:03:25,045 All right, well, Dan Decker's on the lead. 100 00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:27,045 Who else? Who else, guys? Over... anybody over here? 101 00:03:27,069 --> 00:03:28,087 You got something, Vic? 102 00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:32,534 You lost your nerve, there, bud? 103 00:03:33,659 --> 00:03:34,709 All right, well come on. 104 00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:36,535 There's gotta be somebody with some talent, yeah? 105 00:03:36,559 --> 00:03:38,634 - Caleb, what you got cooking? - Nothing. 106 00:03:38,659 --> 00:03:40,377 Hey, no secrets from papa. 107 00:03:40,402 --> 00:03:41,699 It's just a dumb play. 108 00:03:41,724 --> 00:03:42,734 Papa. 109 00:03:42,888 --> 00:03:43,918 A play? 110 00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:46,123 Hmm. 111 00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:52,533 "A pregnant prostitute crosses the stage barefoot. 112 00:03:55,024 --> 00:03:57,754 "She stops and pulls a sticker from a banana off her foot." 113 00:03:58,359 --> 00:03:59,669 Fascinating. 114 00:04:03,404 --> 00:04:04,584 Ralph, bad news. 115 00:04:04,609 --> 00:04:06,431 Mr. Porter's sick, so he's not gonna be able 116 00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:08,285 to emcee the talent show this year. 117 00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:10,180 Plus, his drama class is unsupervised, 118 00:04:10,205 --> 00:04:11,719 and they might be having an orgy. 119 00:04:11,744 --> 00:04:14,251 Okay, our kids would never do something that awful. 120 00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:15,536 Tread lightly, Ralph. 121 00:04:15,561 --> 00:04:16,951 I'm an orgy baby. 122 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,309 My mom was an orgy baby, her mom was... 123 00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:21,014 Helen, Helen, Helen. 124 00:04:21,969 --> 00:04:23,691 We need to figure out who's gonna host. 125 00:04:23,716 --> 00:04:25,957 Who are we gonna find to replace Mr. Porter? 126 00:04:25,982 --> 00:04:29,155 Who's got the... the pizzazz, the singing chops, 127 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,124 the rhythm to... to do what he does? 128 00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:32,327 There's no one. 129 00:04:36,439 --> 00:04:38,980 Ralph, you've got the rhythm! 130 00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:43,730 ♪ And I can sing ♪ 131 00:04:43,755 --> 00:04:45,448 ♪ And we can both ♪ 132 00:04:45,473 --> 00:04:46,823 ♪ Kind of act ♪ 133 00:04:46,848 --> 00:04:52,288 ♪ Plus I can sing ♪ 134 00:04:53,818 --> 00:04:55,018 We're a triple threat. 135 00:04:55,043 --> 00:04:58,626 Helen, will you host "Whitlock's Got Talent" with me? 136 00:04:58,731 --> 00:05:00,425 Ralph, I would be honored. 137 00:05:10,594 --> 00:05:13,514 Welcome to your first handbell lesson. 138 00:05:13,539 --> 00:05:15,589 I'm Michelle, your director. 139 00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:17,314 Ooh, "director." 140 00:05:17,339 --> 00:05:19,819 I know, look at Michelle getting all serious. 141 00:05:19,844 --> 00:05:22,101 - Right. - "I'm the director." 142 00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:25,401 Well, handbells are serious instruments. 143 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,586 They are not toys. 144 00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:29,661 These are each individually cast, 145 00:05:29,902 --> 00:05:32,312 they can never touch one another, 146 00:05:32,337 --> 00:05:35,727 and one must always wear gloves 147 00:05:35,853 --> 00:05:37,383 when handling the bells. 148 00:05:39,153 --> 00:05:40,153 Ahem. 149 00:05:41,378 --> 00:05:43,949 You are about to go on a wild journey. 150 00:05:44,652 --> 00:05:46,092 There will be high highs... 151 00:05:50,325 --> 00:05:51,975 And crushing lows. 152 00:05:56,570 --> 00:05:57,660 Don't be scared. 153 00:05:57,685 --> 00:05:59,085 I want that big daddy right there. 154 00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,161 Ah-ah, no, no, no. 155 00:06:00,186 --> 00:06:02,796 I am the only non-Soviet female who can play that one. 156 00:06:03,282 --> 00:06:05,968 Bells up! 157 00:06:14,251 --> 00:06:15,341 This is it. 158 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,549 This is amazing. 159 00:06:17,574 --> 00:06:19,574 It's... it's raw, it's super weird... 160 00:06:19,599 --> 00:06:21,079 It's got grit. 161 00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:23,550 I bet you the judges have never seen anything like this. 162 00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:26,294 Caleb, I was blown away when... when the pregnant prostitute 163 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,399 showed up at the truck stop 164 00:06:27,424 --> 00:06:29,294 with a brick of coke and a pound cake. 165 00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:31,059 - Really? - Yeah, man. 166 00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:32,620 You gotta own your talent. I mean, really, you're... 167 00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:34,084 you're competing against garbage. 168 00:06:34,109 --> 00:06:36,296 I mean, people are juggling, and some are doing magic. 169 00:06:36,321 --> 00:06:38,101 - Those are both mine. - Yeah. 170 00:06:38,126 --> 00:06:39,487 Why don't you pick on Dan? 171 00:06:39,512 --> 00:06:41,552 All he did was eat popcorn. 172 00:06:41,577 --> 00:06:43,397 Okay, Marcus, I can catch harder stuff, too. 173 00:06:43,422 --> 00:06:44,552 I catch ham. 174 00:06:44,577 --> 00:06:46,847 And I'm not talking about the deli slices. 175 00:06:47,186 --> 00:06:49,619 I'm talking about the thick Easter cuts. 176 00:06:49,644 --> 00:06:51,074 That is cool... 177 00:06:51,099 --> 00:06:54,059 But with my help, this play is gonna be next level. 178 00:06:54,084 --> 00:06:56,334 Round of applause for Caleb, everybody. 179 00:06:56,359 --> 00:06:57,969 He's our $3,000 baby. 180 00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:07,328 You neutered me. 181 00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:10,043 You literally took them off me. 182 00:07:10,068 --> 00:07:11,998 I had to get information out of you 183 00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:14,494 for my job as mob boss. 184 00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:16,393 But you were my best friend, 185 00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:18,994 and you cut my [BLEEP] [BLEEP] off. 186 00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:20,483 Go home to your family. 187 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,698 You're drunk. 188 00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:23,053 It's Christmas. 189 00:07:23,262 --> 00:07:25,482 That's great. 190 00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:27,115 That's great. All right, again, again. 191 00:07:27,258 --> 00:07:28,998 Look at my mangled face. 192 00:07:29,225 --> 00:07:31,908 You can't command me around just 'cause you're my husband. 193 00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:33,308 Then I command you 194 00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:36,753 as Chief of Police of Paris. 195 00:07:37,034 --> 00:07:39,274 Look at my mangled face. 196 00:07:42,347 --> 00:07:43,917 The whole thing takes place in Paris. 197 00:07:43,942 --> 00:07:45,301 I didn't realize that until just now. 198 00:07:45,325 --> 00:07:46,733 - That really elevates it. - Right? 199 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,628 You gave my sister an STD. 200 00:07:48,793 --> 00:07:49,863 Good-bye. 201 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,748 Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP]. 202 00:07:54,862 --> 00:07:56,512 You're the prostitute that stabbed me. 203 00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:58,607 I'm pregnant. 204 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,456 The doctor said it's your baby. 205 00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,116 He had your sperm on file. 206 00:08:02,141 --> 00:08:03,661 I mean, I'd help raise it, but... 207 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,858 I'm dead. 208 00:08:07,908 --> 00:08:09,428 Wow. 209 00:08:09,468 --> 00:08:11,493 That's great, guys. That is really great. 210 00:08:11,518 --> 00:08:13,064 We'll maybe tweak the ending a little bit, though. 211 00:08:13,088 --> 00:08:14,157 Yeah, I felt that, too. 212 00:08:14,182 --> 00:08:15,260 All right, let's keep this going. 213 00:08:15,284 --> 00:08:16,681 I think we're gonna get that pizza! 214 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:17,829 Pepperoni. 215 00:08:17,854 --> 00:08:18,934 Yeah, we'll get a bunch of them. 216 00:08:18,958 --> 00:08:20,176 - You don't have to... - Mushroom. 217 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,394 Grace. 218 00:08:36,146 --> 00:08:37,808 - Bells down. - Whoo! 219 00:08:41,185 --> 00:08:42,849 Wow, that was rough. 220 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,793 Uh, well, it could probably use a little pizzazz. 221 00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:48,978 Yes, I was thinking that. 222 00:08:49,003 --> 00:08:50,884 Maybe we take one glove off and we just hit 'em with a... 223 00:08:50,908 --> 00:08:52,429 - ♪ Hee-hee ♪ - Ooh, yes! 224 00:08:52,454 --> 00:08:54,511 And then maybe combine the two so it's like a little... 225 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,845 ♪ Shamone ♪ 226 00:08:55,923 --> 00:08:57,843 - ♪ Hee-hee ♪ - Come on, combo. 227 00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:02,918 ♪ Ah ♪ 228 00:09:03,254 --> 00:09:04,378 Shut up! 229 00:09:05,314 --> 00:09:07,456 At this point, I don't think anyone's even gonna know 230 00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,153 we're playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie." 231 00:09:09,692 --> 00:09:11,838 The greatest fear of every handbell ringer 232 00:09:11,863 --> 00:09:14,793 is that the audience won't be able to tell what song it is. 233 00:09:15,106 --> 00:09:18,434 It happens in over 70% of all handbell performances. 234 00:09:18,707 --> 00:09:20,108 Look, I love you guys, 235 00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:22,386 You both seem very nice as people, 236 00:09:22,411 --> 00:09:24,273 and, like, you're trying to improve, but... 237 00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:25,958 As handbell players, 238 00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,023 you're nothing. 239 00:09:27,247 --> 00:09:29,598 You're fired. Return your gloves. 240 00:09:29,797 --> 00:09:31,093 But, Michelle, 241 00:09:31,305 --> 00:09:33,748 I have a milk delivery I need to make in the 1950s. 242 00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:36,598 And I had a date with a California raisin. 243 00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,730 All right. 244 00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:45,178 I got it. 245 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,316 What if our act is something like the show "Jackass"? 246 00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:50,066 Here, put this pudding cup on the floor. 247 00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:51,153 I'm gonna dive into it. 248 00:09:51,178 --> 00:09:53,730 Helen, Helen, get... no, get down, all right? 249 00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:56,889 If we're gonna impress Greta, we need something magical. 250 00:09:56,914 --> 00:09:58,603 Something... something transcendent. 251 00:09:58,914 --> 00:10:01,375 A... a surefire hit for the ages. 252 00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,058 - "Jackass"! - Billy Crystal Oscar medley. 253 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,141 - That's a good idea, too. - All right. 254 00:10:08,548 --> 00:10:09,598 Hey. 255 00:10:09,623 --> 00:10:12,353 Just gonna sign my kids up for that talent show. 256 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,403 Now, is that $3,000 gonna come in cash? 257 00:10:15,428 --> 00:10:17,353 I also accept Apple gift cards. 258 00:10:17,589 --> 00:10:19,044 For the kids, obviously. 259 00:10:19,069 --> 00:10:21,338 Oh, I like your confidence. It's foxy. 260 00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:22,934 Yeah, well, I think the judges are gonna be 261 00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,577 pretty blown away by the edgy theater piece we're doing. 262 00:10:25,602 --> 00:10:27,868 Uh, there aren't any judges. 263 00:10:28,391 --> 00:10:29,851 We have an applause-o-meter. 264 00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:31,672 It gauges the audience reaction. 265 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,579 Usually crowd-pleasing spectacles are the ones that win. 266 00:10:34,604 --> 00:10:37,318 Last year's winner set off fireworks while she sang 267 00:10:37,343 --> 00:10:39,282 and armpit-farted the national anthem. 268 00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:40,634 All four verses... 269 00:10:40,659 --> 00:10:42,399 including the original racist one. 270 00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,806 Wait a second, so we're not gonna be judged 271 00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:47,024 by a panel of experts who appreciate nuance and originality? 272 00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:48,159 We're just judged by... 273 00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,548 - noise? - Yeah. 274 00:10:57,276 --> 00:10:58,486 Thank you for the sex. 275 00:10:58,511 --> 00:10:59,551 It felt normal. 276 00:11:00,332 --> 00:11:02,858 Just leave the money on the table and get out. 277 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,624 I'm going into labor. 278 00:11:05,315 --> 00:11:07,929 Uh, oh, gosh. Here we go. 279 00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:11,326 I was born into fire. 280 00:11:11,351 --> 00:11:12,478 Wow... 281 00:11:12,528 --> 00:11:15,878 Hate to cut that off, guys, but change of plans. 282 00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:17,437 The play is dead. 283 00:11:17,462 --> 00:11:18,728 Yeah, we gotta think of something else. 284 00:11:18,752 --> 00:11:19,813 No one was gonna like it. 285 00:11:19,838 --> 00:11:20,908 It was never gonna win us that money. 286 00:11:20,932 --> 00:11:23,228 Now, who can make a melody with their armpit? 287 00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:24,878 But you said my play was good. 288 00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,480 My... my parents are coming. 289 00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:28,135 This is the first thing I've invited them to. 290 00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:29,893 Well, they should still come, 'cause we need clappers. 291 00:11:29,917 --> 00:11:31,434 Now, are they the hooting and hollering type? 292 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,508 'Cause that'd be great. 293 00:11:34,158 --> 00:11:35,548 - Was that a yes? - Yeah. 294 00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,638 We'll think of something. 295 00:11:39,038 --> 00:11:40,390 All right, guys, we don't have a lot of time, 296 00:11:40,414 --> 00:11:42,091 but we need to put on the most pandering, 297 00:11:42,116 --> 00:11:44,280 mass-appealing show ever known to man. 298 00:11:44,305 --> 00:11:46,122 So what do your dumb classmates like? 299 00:11:46,147 --> 00:11:47,367 - Go. - Candy. 300 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:48,967 - Cheese Whiz. - The beach. 301 00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:51,367 Walks on the beach. Drinks on the beach. 302 00:11:51,392 --> 00:11:52,783 According to a YouTube search, 303 00:11:52,808 --> 00:11:56,042 the most watched videos are of electronic dance music 304 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,014 Bollywood, unboxing, 305 00:11:58,039 --> 00:12:00,832 ASMR, juggling... 306 00:12:00,857 --> 00:12:03,817 _ 307 00:12:06,997 --> 00:12:09,682 So, what are we doing? 308 00:12:10,159 --> 00:12:12,003 - Whew. - _ 309 00:12:13,704 --> 00:12:14,734 All of it. 310 00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:16,396 _ 311 00:12:21,142 --> 00:12:22,722 Principle Durbin, wake up! 312 00:12:22,747 --> 00:12:24,577 You're gonna miss "Whitlock's Got Talent"! 313 00:12:24,617 --> 00:12:26,447 No, I won't! 314 00:12:26,487 --> 00:12:27,667 Because... 315 00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:37,107 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 316 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,076 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 317 00:12:39,101 --> 00:12:41,287 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 318 00:12:41,312 --> 00:12:43,182 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 319 00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:45,697 Welcome to "Whitlock's Got Talent." 320 00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:47,736 - And, oh, who do we have here? - Uh-oh. 321 00:12:47,761 --> 00:12:50,117 - It's Coach! - I had to be here. 322 00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,239 I'm making sure the gym floor doesn't get scuffed. 323 00:12:52,264 --> 00:12:53,607 That is so Coach! 324 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,294 He shows up to the talent show, 325 00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:57,421 but he can't get his players to show up to the game. 326 00:12:59,486 --> 00:13:01,362 Oh, and who else do we have here today? 327 00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:04,827 It's Greta Donovan from Donovan Exterminators, 328 00:13:05,007 --> 00:13:09,097 where Whitlock high goes for all of its pest control needs. 329 00:13:10,058 --> 00:13:11,812 And thanks to this lovely lady, 330 00:13:11,837 --> 00:13:14,627 we know that the beetles won't be performing here tonight. 331 00:13:15,927 --> 00:13:17,797 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 332 00:13:18,092 --> 00:13:19,717 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 333 00:13:19,742 --> 00:13:21,652 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 334 00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:23,668 ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪ 335 00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,856 Boom! 336 00:13:37,996 --> 00:13:40,474 ♪ Ree ♪ 337 00:13:42,004 --> 00:13:44,744 Your next contestant is Mrs. Jones and her companions. 338 00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:50,835 Bells up. 339 00:13:52,537 --> 00:13:53,667 Oh, my God. 340 00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:56,537 She replaced us with herself. 341 00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:57,787 She did not. 342 00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,337 Oh... 343 00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:12,597 But this is very good. 344 00:14:12,637 --> 00:14:14,857 I mean, she is excellent. 345 00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:22,347 Okay, guys, we are up next and we need to win, all right? 346 00:14:22,372 --> 00:14:24,682 This is gonna be the greatest night of all your lives. 347 00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:26,267 Here we go. 348 00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,137 Oh, my God, she's going for the big boy. 349 00:14:35,422 --> 00:14:37,292 Let's bring it in, guys. Okay, ready? 350 00:14:37,317 --> 00:14:38,847 One, two, three... 351 00:14:40,417 --> 00:14:42,547 Oh, still talking about pizza, huh? 352 00:14:44,797 --> 00:14:48,300 - Thank you so much, Mrs. Jones. - Amazing. 353 00:14:48,325 --> 00:14:51,790 And now, back to the student, uh, talent show. 354 00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:55,377 Up next is Mr. Griffin's A.P. Bio class. 355 00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:57,563 Did you know that Mr. Griffin 356 00:14:57,588 --> 00:14:59,541 used to teach at Harvard? 357 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,597 Really? 358 00:15:00,647 --> 00:15:02,197 I've never heard him mention it! 359 00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:06,034 You guys ready? Let's do it. 360 00:15:07,081 --> 00:15:12,347 Please welcome the EDM Candy Dance Spectacular Samurai Explosion. 361 00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:18,007 Grace, now. 362 00:15:22,782 --> 00:15:23,837 ♪ Kick it ♪ 363 00:15:47,037 --> 00:15:48,907 Go! Go harder! Do more stuff! 364 00:15:55,284 --> 00:15:56,807 Ah, he's gonna ruin it. 365 00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,227 Eduardo, Marissa, Sarika, go! 366 00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,157 Caleb! Smile, man! 367 00:16:18,197 --> 00:16:19,327 Sell it! 368 00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:24,377 All right. 369 00:16:25,905 --> 00:16:27,115 Pour candy corn in the fan. 370 00:16:27,140 --> 00:16:28,514 You're going a little too far. 371 00:16:28,539 --> 00:16:30,139 No, trust me, man. They're gonna love it. 372 00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:44,617 Get outta here. Knock it off. 373 00:16:47,562 --> 00:16:48,822 What are we looking at? 374 00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:50,632 You just have to pick one and watch them. 375 00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:51,977 Otherwise, you'll get a headache. 376 00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,297 They didn't like it. They didn't like it. 377 00:17:16,671 --> 00:17:18,681 All right, ladies and gentlemen, 378 00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,256 prepare to be amazed. 379 00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:24,252 - For this next trick... - I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin. 380 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,287 I know you really wanted that pizza. 381 00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,312 It's hard when you have your heart set on something 382 00:17:29,337 --> 00:17:30,832 - you really, really want... - Okay. 383 00:17:30,857 --> 00:17:32,976 And then it gets taken away from you. 384 00:17:33,295 --> 00:17:35,741 I, too, wanted that pizza. 385 00:17:35,766 --> 00:17:37,133 Okay, all right, Victor. I hear you. 386 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,507 - Yeah, thank you. - Cut him in half. 387 00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,521 Hey, listen, why don't you two go take your seats? 388 00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:48,953 You're not gonna want to miss this, okay? 389 00:17:48,977 --> 00:17:50,847 It was nice knowing you. 390 00:17:51,224 --> 00:17:52,304 Ha-oh! 391 00:17:52,658 --> 00:17:54,358 Wow, that's great. 392 00:17:54,383 --> 00:17:56,768 Yeah, I... can I just... ? Sorry about that. 393 00:17:56,793 --> 00:17:58,223 Uh, hi, everybody. 394 00:17:58,248 --> 00:18:00,402 Um, I just wanted to let you all know, 395 00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,177 there will be one more entry in tonight's contest: 396 00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,942 Caleb Baker's dramatic, seven-act play. 397 00:18:08,742 --> 00:18:09,982 Don't know how they did that. 398 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:12,884 Caleb, it's go time. 399 00:18:12,909 --> 00:18:14,066 I don't want to do my play, I... 400 00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,260 Caleb, come here. 401 00:18:16,683 --> 00:18:17,723 Listen, man. 402 00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:19,001 I was wrong, okay? 403 00:18:19,026 --> 00:18:20,106 I backed the wrong horse. 404 00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:21,238 I should have gone with my first instinct 405 00:18:21,262 --> 00:18:22,262 and done your play. 406 00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:23,304 You said no one was gonna like it. 407 00:18:23,328 --> 00:18:24,368 Well, they probably won't. 408 00:18:25,449 --> 00:18:27,866 'Cause it's good, like my books. 409 00:18:27,952 --> 00:18:29,132 You know who likes my books? 410 00:18:30,061 --> 00:18:31,101 I do. 411 00:18:32,129 --> 00:18:33,239 Do you like your play? 412 00:18:34,269 --> 00:18:35,349 Yeah. 413 00:18:36,665 --> 00:18:38,680 - I like it. - I like it. 414 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,360 Me, too. That's four. 415 00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:42,475 That's already more than Mr. Griffin's books. 416 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,677 All right, take it easy, man. 417 00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:44,717 Let's do this. 418 00:18:44,742 --> 00:18:46,022 I've got an idea for the ending. 419 00:18:58,255 --> 00:19:00,037 Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP]. 420 00:19:00,992 --> 00:19:02,642 You're the prostitute that stabbed me. 421 00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:03,996 I'm pregnant, 422 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,540 and the doctor said it's your baby. 423 00:19:06,565 --> 00:19:07,745 I told you. 424 00:19:08,048 --> 00:19:09,548 I mean, I'd help you raise it, but... 425 00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:13,112 - I'm dead. - Mm. 426 00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:14,974 I've been meaning to tell you... 427 00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:17,405 I'm dead, too. 428 00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:19,379 I told you. 429 00:19:19,404 --> 00:19:20,714 I know you did. 430 00:19:20,739 --> 00:19:22,149 Now, take me to heaven 431 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,195 before we both get dragged to hell. 432 00:19:29,093 --> 00:19:30,115 Oh, boy. 433 00:19:30,155 --> 00:19:31,743 Okay. 434 00:19:31,768 --> 00:19:33,818 That's the table from shop class. 435 00:19:33,843 --> 00:19:36,295 Let's hear it for Caleb's play. 436 00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:38,012 - Yes. - Whoo! 437 00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:41,022 That was, uh, very inappropriate, 438 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,587 but I think we have a winner! 439 00:19:55,705 --> 00:19:56,975 All right. 440 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,018 Whoa, $3,000 worth of pizza? 441 00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,036 Grace, no what are you... what are you talking about? 442 00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,280 I bought this pizza. 443 00:20:03,305 --> 00:20:05,307 You bought us pizza with your own money? 444 00:20:05,792 --> 00:20:06,922 But you're poor. 445 00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:09,170 They're beautiful, 446 00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:11,685 but we can't possibly accept them. 447 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,195 It's not like I can take it back. 448 00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:15,465 Plus, you guys deserve it, okay? 449 00:20:15,490 --> 00:20:18,555 You... you won first place, all right? 450 00:20:18,595 --> 00:20:21,125 Although the old lady, she did rescind the money 451 00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,832 because of you guys' dirty ghost sex. 452 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,097 Thank you for liking my play, Mr. Griffin. 453 00:20:26,122 --> 00:20:27,255 Everyone did. 454 00:20:27,418 --> 00:20:29,150 Yeah, I guess it was artful. 455 00:20:29,175 --> 00:20:30,275 And the masses liked it. 456 00:20:31,150 --> 00:20:32,561 I hope you know what that's like someday. 457 00:20:32,585 --> 00:20:34,681 All right, well, bring it down a notch, there, bud, okay? 458 00:20:34,705 --> 00:20:37,095 Dan Decker could read one of my philosophy papers out loud 459 00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:38,464 and the masses would like it, too, okay? 460 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,355 That's... that's just Dan Decker. 461 00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:41,810 He is the coolest. 462 00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:47,470 All right, so just read my book into the mic. 463 00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,040 "The pursuit of happiness can be broken down 464 00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:51,825 into four basic categories: 465 00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,550 One, work a job where you can see 466 00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:56,876 the physical results of your labor at the end of the day. 467 00:20:57,696 --> 00:21:01,245 Two, create mundane celebrations 468 00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:03,127 to distract from impending death. 469 00:21:04,649 --> 00:21:08,092 Three, ingest sugary, fatty, 470 00:21:08,125 --> 00:21:11,385 or salty foods that release endorphins." 33458

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