All language subtitles for jeff.ross.roasts.the.border.2017.hdtv.x264-crooks

Ross: Look at this
beautiful crowd.

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Come up here, dude.
Come up here.

Look at this guy.

What's your name? What's that?

Herman. And...

What?

Just call you "eggnog?"

What do you do?

I landscape. Landscape.

I could've guessed
that in one guess.

You're a legal citizen?

I'm an alien. You're an alien?

I got a Social Security though.

You can check.

I'm not going to check.
It's okay.

You're in a safe
space right now.

Are your parents
in this country?

Yeah. One.

One is, and the other one?

They threw one back.

They threw one back.

That would be such a tricky
way to grow up, right,

where you're legal

but your parents
are undocumented?

That's a lot of leverage
to have on your parents.

"Hey, clean up your room."
"Really, Mom?"

"Let me call ICE,
see if they want

to clean up your room."

"What time is my curfew, Dad?"

"Well, you might not be
coming home tonight, so."

♪♪

Hola. Me llamoJeff Ross.

And like most Americans, I'm
a descendant of immigrants.

My grandparents' grandparents
escaped from Eastern Europe

in search of a better
life and perfect posture.

Their daughter,
my great-grandma Rosie,

went on to embrace
the American dream.

After playing four seasons
with the New York Giants,

she built herself a successful

catering business

in Newark, New Jersey.

From there, our family
grew into a motley

melting pot of religions
and nationalities

that now includes a crazy
Israeli and two Chinese cousins

that are smarter than me
and can kick my ass.

And it's not just my family.

Since this country got rolling,
people from all over the world

have fled their homelands

to come to the greatest
country on Earth.

I mean, can you see
how happy they are?

USA! USA!

Ever since I was a kid,
leaders on all sides

have stood up for immigrants.

Rather than talking
about putting up a fence,

why don't we make it
possible for them

to come here legally
with a work permit,

and then while they're
working and earning here,

they pay taxes here?

And when they want to go
back, they can go back,

and they can cross, and open
the border both ways.

These are good people,
strong people.

Part of my family is Mexican.

Ross: Things are different now.

Suddenly, America
is like a snobby club

with a douchey doorman.

But for me, this issue
isn't about politics.

It's about people, lots
and lots of people.

No ban, no walls!

No ban, no walls!

Here I am in Texas, rally
in the state capital.

One of many happening
all over the country right now.

No ban, no wall.

For many, the stakes
couldn't be higher.

My fiance is from Mexico,
and he's actually undocumented,

and with all this ICE
raids and everything,

he's afraid to go out because...

Must be scary. Very scary.

I'm the son of Mexican
and Columbian immigrants,

and I'm proud.

I feel you, bro.

"Palestinian, Mexican,
Muslim and a woman."

Man.

You can probably get
deported and locked up

for three different
reasons right now.

What do you each for lunch,
like quesadillas with hummus?

Not only was this nation built
by immigrants, it still is.

Are you a real
construction worker?

Real construction.

All the building, and last
year, we do all the window.

Wow. Right here at the capital?

Yes, sir.

Well, it's a beautiful building
with beautiful windows.

Thank you. Yeah.

And thank you, all United States
for bringing little jobs for us.

Yeah. Of course, man.
I'm very appreciative.

Immigrants make America great.
I agree, man.

Yeah. Yeah.

A couple of Mexican
guys like you and me

are making this country great.

All right. Gracias.

With some people calling
for a Muslim ban,

even our freedom
of religion is at risk.

You're wearing
your uniform today.

To show people that the way
that Muslims are being treated,

getting detained at the airport,

and almost being outright
banned is just unacceptable.

You know, we need
to come out and show

our fellow Americans
who were are.

Of course. Right.

In any other context, people
would be saluting you,

and here, it's, like,
you might as well

be getting the middle
finger from the government.

What the hell is going on?

Why is a nation of newcomers

suddenly turning its
back on itself?

I wanted to understand
more, so I headed down

to the frontline
of the immigration battle,

to a sweaty little border
town called Brownsville,

at the southern tip of Texas.

And as we all know, the tip
is always the most sensitive,

so the people who live
here are getting hit hard

by America's changing policies.

Who lives here? Is it mostly
Mexican-American people?

Mexican and Mexican-American
people is 95 percent of us,

but at the end of the day,
we're all Texan.

Many of these folks have
family and friends living

and working on both sides
of the border,

creating one big community
of "murderers, rapists

and some, I assume,
are good people."

That's the Rio Grande.

That's Mexico.

You could throw a rock
across right here.

I'm just walking
along the border

and finding kids' clothes,

womens' clothes, more
shoes, shoes, shoes.

I don't think that's a drug
dealer or a terrorist

coming over right there.

Raids and detentions
are at an all-time high.

Plus, el Presidente's

constant threats
of mass deportations,

including young
DREAMers who were

raised and educated here,

and of course, the building
of an even bigger barrier

has put stress on the hearts
of all the people

who aren't hot enough to get
into America on a modeling visa.

So I started asking,
"How do the people

who actually live on the border
feel about all this?"

Do they want
an even bigger wall?

And if I did a free
show at a public park,

right in front of the existing
fence, will the locals show up,

or would many be too
scared to come out

for fear of being rounded
up -- or roasted.

Because for many, this
issue is no joke.

More people cross over illegally
here than anywhere else

along America's 2,000-mile
border.

So our government
built this fence

through Brownsville a decade ago

to keep the strangers out.

It hasn't worked.

They still come...

Man: Three-oh-four, go ahead.

Man: I have two individuals
walking up to me.

Ross: ...any way they can.

Man: They probably
rafted them across.

Yeah.

Ross: As we waited
for Border Patrol,

the constables helped me
use my broken Spanish

to welcome two people
into the country.

Get your filming
now because when

we call Border Patrol,

we put the cameras down.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Hey, bud.Hola.

They're from El Salvador.

From El Salvador? Yes.
They're going to New York.

I'm going to New York.

They're going to go
see Donald Trump.

This your son?

Yes. Yeah, see?

Hola, buddy. Hola.

Me llamoJeff.

Just crossed a minute ago.

They split the children up,

that way there's no
immediate deportation.

Smart. Yeah.

How do you feel?

Are you nervous? What
are you feeling?

[ Interpreting in Spanish ]

What's the violence
like in your home?

[ Interpreting in Spanish ]

Now what happens?

We'll call Border Patrol
and they'll take them

and transport them.

Where will they sleep tonight?

They'll be at Border
Patrol tonight.

What's that, like, a jail?

It is what it is, you know?

Of course.

No. No.

He's brave, man, brave man.

Okay.

Yeah.

Buena suerte. Good luck.

Welcome.

Ross: What a kick in the balls.

One of the most exciting
moments of their lives

was also so demeaning.

You don't think they're
going to get sent back

tonight or tomorrow?

Man: I doubt it very seriously.

Do you ever worry about people,
or try to follow their stories?

Is that even possible?

I can't worry myself about that

because the next day

I'm going to be meeting
somebody else just like him.

I'll take you
over here, but we're

going to be real quiet,

and we're going to stay
kind of out of sight.

We're going to see where
they launch from.

There's Mexico, right there.
There's the river and the river.

You see how well-worn
that track is right there?

Yeah. They're carrying
the rafts down.

They'll raft everybody across.

They drop them here, and then
the bring them back in.

I wouldn't get too
far out in the open.

Why is that? To get
out in the open, or?

Yeah.

Well, if anybody don't
like us on that side.

Oh, I see. They're
not going to shoot?

If you say so.

Jesus.

This will make your heart heavy,

considering what these people
go through to get right here.

Well, all over the world,
there's so much scary crap

going on that you
can't blame them.

Well...

For putting their kid
in a raft and risking it...

I understand that...
...his life.

But as an American citizen,
how many people do you let in?

All of them. How
many do you support?

All of them. Look how big
this country is.

Well, those... I mean,
I'm not saying

turn your back on a lot
of these people,

but what I'm saying is,

is that we need
to tend to our own

before we can tend
to everybody else.

We are everybody else.
That's my opinion.

Those two people
are now Americans.

They're just going
to be part of our poor

that we have to take care of.

Right.

As soon as they get
here, they are us.

Ross: I expected about 50
locals to show up at the show,

but it turns out,
everyone in town

is affected by what's going on.

Both of my parents crossed
here at the Brownsville Bridge

around 40 years
ago, give or take.

Man: I have friends
that are from both.

They're both nationalities,
Mexican and the United States.

They go to the university
here in Brownsville.

They're afraid to go home.

They're afraid to come back
over here to go to class

because you never know when
that random pick-up will happen,

or their random deportation.

Man: I came here with my mother.

We actually crossed
the river, you know,

just like millions of Mexicans

that come to the United States.

When I came, I felt that this
country was the best,

and I wanted to be
a contributor.

I've been in the military.

I graduated college.

I'm contributing
-- I'm a taxpayer.

So, immigration is just
welcoming people

to the land of opportunity.

Man: Well, we were driving
by and we were wondering

what was going on,
and they told us Rick Ross...

Oh, James? Jeff Ross?

Yeah.

Man: Brownsville, Texas,
are you guys ready

for the Roastmaster General?

Put your hands together
for Mr. Jeff Ross!

Yeah!

[ Cheering and applause ]

♪♪

Que paso, Brownsville?

[ Cheering and applause ]

You really came. You came.

Thank you, everybody.

Where are my Americans at?

[ Cheering ]

We've got some hardcore,

patriotic American
people down here.

And where
are my undocumented at?

[ Cheering ]

All in favor of letting
everybody stay in America,

say, "Aye-yi-yi-yi."

Aye-yi-yi-yi!

Stick around after the show,
you guys,

because we're going to break
a pinata full of green cards

if anybody wants to play along.

Brownsville, Texas.
Look at this place.

It's like you guys got to 1958
and said, "[Bleep] it."

[ Laughter and applause ]

"[Bleep] it. We're good."

Yeah, man. I love it down here.

You know, I actually
have roots down here.

I got roots with the cartels.

That's right, I'm el
Chapo's Jewish cousin,

el Cheapo.

Brownsville is a heck
of a town, man.

You guys really...

it's a beautiful place,
beautiful people,

but it's hard here, man.

I can't imagine living in a town

with a fence running
right through my town.

I got lonely last night.

I went on Tinder,

and I swipe with somebody
on the other side of the wall.

That's the biggest [Bleep]
block in history.

I didn't let that stop
us, though.

3:00 a.m., we met
over there by the bushes.

We both kind of pressed
up against the wall,

and I entered her illegally.

[ Laughter ]

And we had a three-way
with an armadillo.

The armadillo is here tonight.
What's up, buddy?

How you doing, man?

Look at the size of this guy.
How you doing, brother?

Wow. What are you celebrating?

Cinco de mayonnaise?

Damn. This guy.

Thanks for coming
off the wall, Humpty.

I appreciate you, man.

Where my Border Patrol at?

[ Scattered cheers
and whistles from rear ]

[ Laughter ]

Let me give the Border
Patrol a little advice.

If you want to catch
people coming into

the country illegally,

don't write "Border Patrol"
across your truck.

Write "Cold beer and free
blow jobs" in Spanish.

See if business doesn't
pick up a little bit.

Now I hear they want to add
5,000 more Border Patrol.

5,000 more, can
you imagine that?

At that point,
they won't need a wall.

They can just stand arm-to-arm
and form a human wall.

Red rover, red rover, don't
let Pedro come over.

I came down to Brownsville
because this is the front line

of the immigration war
in America right now.

I'm here out of solidarity.

I don't want people
around America to not know

how hard this struggle is,

so, you know, the situation
is very [Bleeped] up right now.

I heard yesterday, they deported
an 8-year-old Guatemalan girl

and her three kids.

[ Laughter ]

I'm all about bringing
people together.

Fences keep people apart.

Personally, I don't
think we need a wall.

I don't think we need
a wall for $21 billion.

$21 billion dollars to build
a wall right there.

For that kind of money, we could
send everybody in Mexico $1,000

to stay there.

"No come-o Estados
Unidos, por favor?"

"No problem, [Bleep]."

But on the bright side,

the Olympic Mexican
pole-vaulting team

is number one in the world
right now.

So you have this
beautiful house.

Adorable.

And you guys live there,

and then this
is your backyard, right here?

The American-Mexican
border fence.

Yes. That's weird.

Yes, it is.

How often do you catch
people coming over?

Every other day.

People and drugs.

They just throw it over.

They climb like little monkeys
with two little ropes,

and they get their feet,
and they go like this.

Then they toss it.

Then they jump over.

Is that a bushel of weed?

Yes, it is.

That's enough weed
to kill somebody.

Not buy smoking it,
but by landing on your head.

What's all over the fence here?

They are handprints.

Do you ever see
women or children

trying to come over?

Yes. We do.

How would a woman or a child
even get over this?

They see the gate open,
so they'll just run out.

No one's watching
that gate right now?

No. No.

Why is it open?

Because the farmers,
when they're farming,

they go ahead and they open it.

So someone could run

through that right
now, any second?

Yes. So what the [Bleep]
is going on?

If you're fast enough,
you can be an American.

If you're fat and slow,
you're stuck in Mexico.

Yep, pretty much.
It's so strange.

Yeah.

I could do it if I had to.

This would not hold me
back if I was desperate.

Phew! It gets hot
down here, too.

Holy shit, man.

The heat is hard, man,

but I guess you guys
are used to it.

I've been doing my research
into this town.

It's 91 percent Latino
here -- 91 percent.

It's 8 percent gringo, like me.

So I guess that one black guy

is sick of getting
arrested, huh?

Oh, don't point to...
Oh, there he is!

What's up, dude?

[ Cheering and applause ]

It's multicultural
here today, buddy.

We got kids here?

Yeah!

Is that a little kid over there?

How old is that kid?

Woman: He's seven months.
Seven months?

Happy anchor baby.

Did you have the kid
on the way over to my show?

What happened?

Where my DREAMers at?

[ Scattered cheering ]

So who's a DREAMer?

Us two. You two.

Because you're undocumented?
Right.

How old were you when you came?

Five.

Did you tell your mom, "Hey,
Mom, I want to go to the US

and I'm going to go
without you." No?

We didn't have a choice.
You didn't have a choice?

No. No?

I didn't find
out I was undocumented

until I wanted to enlist
in the military and I couldn't.

And the option
that the recruiter

gave me was like,

"Well, you can marry me,"

because some people want to take
advantage of the situation.

But I don't want to do that.

I don't want to marry
because of that.

And it's like,
is that my only option?

And I know that it's reality
to a lot of women like me

because we, in a way,
we don't have a voice

because we don't have
a security number.

We can't vote.

We can't do a lot of things.

She wants to go to college.

She wants to help
out the American economy,

the American community.

She's an American.

She wasn't born on this
side of the river,

but she's an American.

Ross: Our president has
dropped any protections

that keep these kids
from being deported.

But where would they go?

They've never lived
anywhere else.

Even some of his supporters
think that's [Bleep].

They've got a right to be here.

They do?

It wasn't their choice
to come to the U.S.

Yeah. They didn't break the law.

It was their parents' choice...
Their parents broke the law.

...that brought them here.

As far as I'm concerned,
they're part of our society.

Ross: Back in the day, we used
to let everybody in, man.

That's how America was.

If you made it to Ellis
Island, Statue of Liberty,

we might make you wait
on line for a couple days,

and we might give you a new
name when you got there,

but you go
in the country, right?

"I am [imitating Yiddish]."

"All right: 'Sharon Goldberg'.

Welcome to America. Come on."

Where would we be
without immigrants, man?

This country would be not
anything like it is now.

Immigrants help build
this country, you know?

[ Cheering and applause ]

Think about it.

Without the Irish immigrants,
we would have no AA.

[ Laughter ]

Without the Asian immigrants,
we'd have no happy endings.

Without the Jews, nobody
would've invented complaining.

And without the Italian
immigrants,

crime would still
be disorganized.

"Giuseppe, why do
you keep robbing

the same bank every day?"

"I'm sorry, Don Fanucci.
I'm not organized."

Yeah.

We're a nation of hypocrites
because the used to force people

to come to this country.

Shout out to the black
dude with the shitty seat.

[ Applause ]

We kidnapped people in Africa

and forced them
to immigrate to America.

The most messed up thing
we could possibly do, we did it.

Black people overcame that.

They got their rights.

They added so much
to this country.

I mean, jazz, and hip
hop, and Air Jordans,

and perhaps the greatest
president of our time,

Bill Clinton.

[ Laughter ]

But you guys, man,
the Mexican people.

We need to keep
the Mexican people

and bring Mexican
people to America

because you're the best
business people in the world.

Mexican people took
four ingredients

and turned it into 40,000
restaurants.

And guacamole is extra!

I love people. I'm
the son of a caterer.

I love parties, a fiesta.

I want everybody
to come in, you know?

And we have to learn

from our mistakes
in this country

because back in the day,

when the Jewish people
wanted to escape the Nazis,

we sent them back.

And now these Syrian
refugees want to come here,

and people say,

"No. We can't absorb the Syrian
refugees. We're not big enough."

We are big enough.
We're a huge country.

We can absorb everybody
that wants to come here.

And I'll prove it.

A hundred and something
years ago,

Norway, the country
of Norway, right?

One day, nine percent

of the population
of Norway said,

"[Bleep] this 'Game

of Thrones'-ass,
cold-ass Norway."

And they came
to the United States.

Four generations
of Norwegians in America.

I have yet to meet
one of these mother[Bleep].

They're not... Where
my Norwegians at?

[ Man whoops ]

One lying Mexican in the back.

[ Laughter ]

Anybody here from Matamoros?
That's cool.

So you walked over the bridge
to come to my show, bro?

I love that, man.

Somebody told me Matamoros

is the fastest-growing
city in Mexico.

You know why?
I think I know why.

Because Mexicans
love to [Bleep].

We're crossing into Mexico.

Matamoros, which is the sister
city to Brownsville.

Essentially, one community
separated by the river

and connected by bridges.

Matamoros is on the U.S.
State Department list

of places Americans
should not visit.

Muciño: Yes.

There has been a reshuffling
of the cartels.

So they've been going
after the kingpins,

and what that has
caused is power vacuums

that allow other cartels
to step in into territories.

So what you're seeing right now

is spike in violence
and murders.

It's not place that you
would want to come and visit.

Okay, why are we going?

We're going to go meet
with a group of migrants

who have been deported
from the United States.

You've been deported, huh?

[ Interpreting in Spanish ]

Si.

From where?

You were working there? Roofer.

Roofer? Yeah.

Hard work. Yeah. Hard work.

So, what, do they just find
you, or they just grab you,

or how do they know
where you are?

You have children?

I have two. Two?

And they're in America?

Wow. What's going to happen now?

When will you see your family?

[ Muciño interpreting
in Spanish ]

Ross: That's terrible.
I'm sorry.

Why did you go to the United
States the first time?

[ Muciño interpreting
in Spanish ]

How long were you there?

Bitch! [Bleep]ing bitch!

Thank you very much.

He says, "God bless all of you,

and I'm going to say hello to

the president
of the United States.

Yeah. Man. I did
my research on this.

If we let all the undocumented
people just stay,

it would help our economy
over 10 years

by over a trillion dollars.

160,000 new jobs every year.

If only we had a businessman
who became president

that could help us
figure that out.

[ Cheering and applause ]

Yeah. I've roasted
Donald Trump twice.

I've known him for 15 years.

I feel like any second,
he's going to call me up

and offer me a Cabinet position.

"Jeff, I need three insults
about North Korea

by noon tomorrow.

You're my new Secretary
of Offense."

I'm helping Donald Trump
with his new book.

It's called, "Mein Kampf
is Bigger Than Your Kampf."

Donald Trump always looks
like he's trying to figure out

who farted.

Yeah. I've roasted Donald Trump
and he became President.

I roasted Justin Bieber,

and he had the number
one album in the world.

I roasted Charlie
Sheen, and he got AIDS.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, I'm doing my part, America.

What the [Bleep] are you
doing with your life?

You're a Trump supporter.
You've got your hat on.

Absolutely. That's right.

"Make America Great
Again." You got it.

I've known him a long
time, and at times,

he can be the most charming
guy in the world.

But with certain
subjects, he can

be kind of downright mean.

What would you say
to Mexican-Americans

who have been trashed
by Trump supporters?

You know, that could hurt.

He's talking about criminals.

Right.

Illegal criminals, not
Mexicans, not Latinos.

And, you know, there's a right
way to get into America.

Yeah. You file your paperwork.

You get in line
like everybody else,

and get, you know, get
your citizenship.

You don't know
who's coming across.

That's why we need a wall.

I mean, we have one here.

It's obviously not
doing its job.

So another one would be just
double not doing its job, right?

What's the price of security?

Well, there's also a respect

for humanity
and that kind of thing.

The way he talks about it...

We're not... He's talking
about criminals.

Patrick, what's this...

Does this stir up any thoughts
in your head?

You fought for this country.
I mean...

There is a right
way to do things.

There's a lot of people
that are just trying to make it.

You already have tunnel
systems that's used

by coyotes to get
people through,

and that's used
to get drugs through.

So there are bigger issues
than building a wall.

What was that?

That's Border Patrol
on the water.

Instead of building a wall
to keep people out,

if the government fined
or arrested people

who hire illegals,

illegals would eventually run
out of work and self-deport.

Wouldn't that work?

But that's actually
on the books right now

in our laws of the government.

I don't remember ever seeing

one of them get
fined for anything.

What do you think we should do?

Build Border Patrol academies.

Academies? Academies.

Train the officers right
here on the river.

If you've got eyes
on the ground,

boots on the ground, you
don't need that wall.

If I was in charge,
I would mix Homeland Security

with Social Security.

Yeah.

When people retire, you
give them a lounge chair

and some binoculars and you
put them on the border.

Young man, get off my fence!

Who else is here, I wonder.

Where my coyotes at?

[ Cheers, whistling ]

I kept hearing
about these coyotes,

who traffic desperate
humans across the border.

What sort of person earns
their living that way?

So in the four years
you've been a coyote,

how many people do you think
you've brought over to America?

Man, thousands of people.

Thousands? Yeah.

Lots. Yeah. Thousands?

You ever stay in touch
with the people?

Do you know if they made it?
Do you know if they lived?

Do you know if they...
No, not really, no.

Not at all. No, just
pick up, drop off.

Never see me again.

You carry a gun
when you do this?

Like, who protects
you from them?

Nobody. What
if they turn on you?

They won't. They're more
scared than doing that

because when you
go to the people

to get transported

and stuff like that, you have
to go through a process.

They need pictures.
They need addresses.

They need phone numbers.
They need everything.

If even you have kids, they need
pictures of your kids, family,

mom, dad, everything.

So if you decided you
want to run and not pay,

they've got your family
right there.

Wow. You're in dangerous
work, dude.

Yeah. It's pretty dangerous
and sometimes, like,

when people don't
pay and stuff, too,

you have to hold them
for a little bit.

Sometimes they don't come
up with the money completely

and that's another thing
we got to be doing, too,

taking care of them
for a couple days

until they come
up with the rest of the money.

And if they don't pay,
and the family doesn't have it,

what do you do?
Now you own them.

Yeah. Pretty much.

What do you do with them?
Put them to work.

Put them to work?

Like, kids and stuff?

Yeah. Anything.

That's crazy. Yeah. Sure is.

So, in a way, you're
kidnapping, too.

Pretty much.

How do you feel about that?

It's not good but it's money
in the pocket.

Do you sleep okay?

Yeah. Sure do.

Do you think this wall is going
to mess up your living?

Psht, it ain't going
to stop nothing.

You're exactly the reason
Trump wants to build a wall.

It ain't going to stop nobody.

It's just another wall.
That's it.

You going to go
under it, around it?

Under, around it, through it,
there's always a way.

Always a way.

If the president
was watching you right now,

what would you tell him?

Kiss my ass. [ Laughs ]

Yeah, I don't
like the president too much,

but, you know what,
better him than Hillary,

I'll tell you that much.
Why is that?

I don't know. I just,
I don't know about

a woman being, well, her
being the President.

I don't think so.
Her, or any woman?

Naw, just her. Just her.

She was too... shiesty.

"Shiesty." As if you're
not shiesty.

Yeah.

You're the shiestiest guy
I've ever met. Probably.

When you buy a car, is the first
thing you check the trunk space?

[ Laughing ] No.

Yeah, man. These coyotes,
I've been doing my research.

What a crazy thing that is, man.

That's a rough trip
over the border

with these coyotes, man.

People in America, the rest
of America have no idea, man.

They think United Airlines
treatstheirpassengers bad.

[ Laughter ]

United might drag
you off the plane,

but they're never going
to shove coke up your ass

and stuff you into the overhead
compartment for a couple weeks.

Where my, uh... Let's see...

You know, where my Muslims at?

[ Sparse cheering ]

For real? Man: Yeah!

What's up, dude?

I'm not into banning people.
I think that's wrong.

The Muslim ban feels
immoral to me.

It feels un-American to ban
people from six different

Muslim countries.

You know, you can't...
if you ban...

It would be so bad
for the economy

to ban all the people from Iran
and Syria and Yemen.

That's a trillion dollars
in laser hair removal

down the drain.

Many people come over the border

because they're
escaping political

or religious
persecution back home.

I went to a shelter
to see what it's like

to live like a refugee.

Ross: How do people find
this place if they need it?

Generally, they all find us

in immigration
detention centers.

So when people
come to the border

and they ask for asylum,

they immediately
get put in prison.

And they're there
for anywhere from 3 months

to a year and a half or so.

We take people
to their immigration hearings.

We take people
to their ICE check-ins,

and ICE actually
releases people to us.

So, an ICE's van will pull
up here and deliver someone?

Yeah. They do. They'll drop
people off in chains.

Yeah.

So here's one of our bedrooms.

Knock, knock.

You're braiding hair.

Can you do me next?

[ Laughter ]

No. Wow.

One, two, three, four,
six beds in here, huh?

Yeah. Yeah It's pretty tight.

How you doing? I'm Jeff.

Nice to meet you. Where
are you ladies from?

Nice. From Ethiopia.

And these guys, the four
of them all came

from immigration
detention centers.

Wow. Why prison?

It's just criminal to come
and try to just come here?

You didn't try to sneak in?
You try to just come, right?

Yeah. They just
came to the border

and asked for refugee status.

Where are you ladies from?

Eritrea? Why did you ladies
leave Eritrea to come here?

Yeah.

The pastors are all in prison?
Yes.

How did you get out?

But did you have to escape?

Long: Yeah. They shoot you
if they catch you leaving.

So brave.

I get so scared to get
out of my regular comfort zone,

and if someone told me I had
to escape from my country,

I don't know what I would do.

Are you religious, ladies?

Yeah. They're
all very religious.

What religion,
if you don't mind?

Christian Orthodox.

Wow.

How about you, Pamela?
What's your religion?

Everybody understands me.
It's amazing.

I'm so impressed.

You learn the English here.

Yeah. Most of the Africans
speak a lot of languages.

How many do you guys speak?

Whoa. Slow down. Slow down.

Arabic, Italian...

Spanish? English.

You should be a teacher.

Was it hard to come here?
Was it scary?

Before Ethiopia through Sudan.

After Sudan, Libya.

After Libya, Italy.

Wow... After in Italy, Spanish.

Spain. After Spain, Mexico.
After Mexico, here.

You must have a lot
of frequent flyer miles.

Yes.

Ross: All these women have jobs,

so when people talk
about banning refugees,

that includes ladies like these,

hard-working people
who would make fine citizens.

What a blessing this place is.

When I was researching
this show, I met two women

in a safe house in Texas, here,

they were from a country
called Eritrea,

a country I had never
heard of before.

They were escaping terrible
violence and oppression,

and, you know, I felt
for those women,

and they're coming to America
because we're doing so well here

with equal rights,
and human rights.

But we're not going all the way.

Like, if I was in charge,
men wouldn't even vote on

women's health
and reproductive issues.

I think -- [
Scattered cheering ]

I think
that's a ladies-only topic.

You know, I don't think
men can tell women

what to do with your bodies.

It doesn't even work
when we try to tell you

what to do with our bodies.

Personally, I'm not
pro-life or pro-choice.

I'm pro- "you-take-care-of-it."

I want to try speed-roasting
some volunteers from the crowd.

Speed roasting, it's kind
of like extreme vetting.

You can't point
to somebody, sir.

That's bullying.

That's bullying.
You can't do that.

You can't do that. All right.

Everybody move
up to the front here.

Give it up for my volunteers
for coming out.

[ Applause ]

Look at this guy.
How you doing, bud?

Pretty good. What's your name?

Erasmo Castro.

I'm running for City
Commissioner

for the city of Brownsville,
so get out and vote.

Whoo!

Wow. Really?

They let homeless people
in the government?

Really?

You're running
for City Commissioner?

You're the size
of your own sanctuary city.

Holy mackerel.

Well, good luck to you, buddy.

All right. My abuela?

Is this my abuela?

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

What's going on? How you doing?
What's that?

My daughter wanted
you to roast me?

Really? I don't
want to roast you.

I want to put my pinky
in your butt.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I love sexy, older
Mexican women.

What do you do?

I used to be an office
manager and now I'm retired.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you like being retired.

Do you like having your pinky
in my butt right now?

Feels really good.

I hope so.

Good.

Hang out for a second.

Maybe you could give some advice
to this young gringa right here.

[ Inaudible ]

Holy shit.

Is this a photo negative?

What do you do?

I'm a lawyer.

Holy mackerel. A lawyer.

Steve, another lawyer.
You've got some competition.

This is my friend, Steve.
He's a local immigration lawyer.

Criminal. Criminal lawyer.

This is my buddy, Steve.

You heard of ambulance-chaser?
He's a raft-chaser over here.

So you're a lawyer and you
live down here, huh?

Born and raised
in the Valley, yeah.

And you're so bilingual.

Is that because you're
raised here?

I'm second generation
Mexican-American.

Yes. I'm learning.

I'm learning about how it
all works and stuff like that.

So even though you look
like you're from Norway...

You're actually a second
generation Mexican-American.

We all come in different
colors and shapes and sizes.

You come in like,
three of your own right here.

Damn.

You look super cute. Do
you have a boyfriend?

No. I'm singleas [Bleep]!

Single as [Bleep].

Do you want to meet my abuela?

She'll look out for me.
I know she would.

She can hold the camera
if you want.

Whatever you want to do.

It's all fine.

I need a lawyer in my life.

I need a lawyer in my life.

Where are we at, Steve?

Steve's a local
immigration attorney.

He helps a lot of people
out here, and, you know,

he does very well mostly

just bailing his brothers
out of jail.

But...

Why do you love
being an attorney

and helping people out,

trying to come into America?

Why do you love it?

Because everybody is afraid
of the Border Patrol

coming to their house,
what are we going to do?

Blah, blah, blah.

But when you let them
know, you know what,

you have a right not
to say anything.

You have a right to not
let them in your house,

and stuff like that,
that empowers them

and it makes them feel better.

And, in turn, I feel
better because of that.

Every single case
is different, right?

Everyone's case is unique,

but every case has
the same ending, right?

"That'll be $800."

[ Laughter ]

What's up, Tony? How
you doing, Tony?

Good. These are my friends

Tony and Melissa. I visited them

while I was in Brownsville
this week.

Give it up for Tony and Melissa.

They got married yesterday.
Is that right?

Yeah. Married yesterday?

Congratulations. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What made you two finally
want to roll down the aisle?

That's too much, Councilman?

Future ex-Councilman?

Wow.

I love that your honeymoon
is a trip

to [Bleep] Hope Park to see me.

Who's this creepy
guy right here?

Come here, bud.

My name is Joe Lee Rubio.

Joe Lee Rubio? Yeah.

And what's your story?

I'm a member of the Brownsville
Beautification Committee.

I'm going to do him a favor.

You're a maybe of the what?

Brownsville
Beautification Committee.

[ Imitating slurring ]

Brownsville Bike and Pedestrian
Advisory Committee.

I love how you massaged me
while you told me that.

Oh, that feels so good.

Your breath smells
like his balls.

That's all I'm saying,
which smell like tequila.

I don't know what's going
on with these two.

Well, you know
how it is, you know?

We love to promote Brownsville.

Okay. We're doing it right now.

And we're glad your here.
Thank you very much.

We're glad your here,
and this is Hope Park.

Beautiful.
It's one of the first projects

that the Beautification
Committee

did in the city of Brownsville.

Why do they call it Hope Park?

Because they Hope
you go to rehab?

[ Laughter and applause ]

Come on! I'm teasing.

I'm teasing. Everybody, no.

I'm teasing.

I'm teasing. I'm teasing.

This is a night to come
out and have a good time,

and he's in the spirit.

304, 305.

She's what?

Oh. It's your lucky day.

We've got one illegal
alien female

who is 9 months pregnant,

any day delivery.

♪♪

Hola. Hi.

Me llamoJeff.

I'm Jeff. Hello.

Elcy. Nice to meet you.

Can I say hi?

Nice to meet you.

Can I wait here?

Where you from?

Honduras. Honduras?

Yes. Are you having
a boy or a girl?

Si. El nino or el nina?

Congratulations. That's awesome.

Gracias. You happy to be here?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

You wanted your baby to be
born in America, huh?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

Of course. Por supuesto.

The greatest place.

What does America mean to you?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

It's a great hill for people
from another country.

There's a lot of good
people here.

Yeah. Si.

What's your dream now?
What's your American dream?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

Congratulations on the baby
and the United States.

Congratulations. Welcome.

Gracias. Okay.

Ross: Coming down here this
week really made me appreciate

how hard it is to get
into America

and it made me
appreciate how lucky

I am that I was born here.

[ Applause ]

I really do feel lucky,

and this really is the greatest
country on Earth.

And I think it's important
that we do everything

we can to protect it,

but not just our borders.

Our laws, our health,
our humanity,

we have to protect
all these things

because at the end of the day,
we're just people, right?

We're just people.

Some are a little uglier
than others.

Mexican Shrek in the front row.

But we're all just people
and we have to live her together

whether we like it or not.

So if you did come to this
country illegally,

on behalf of tax-paying
Americans, I ask you, work hard.

Love your country,
and don't be apendejo.

Because this country
is yours too, now.

♪ This land is your land,
this land is my land ♪

♪ Even though we stole it ♪

♪ From the Native Americans ♪

♪ From the Oval Office ♪

♪ To the Texas border ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ This land was made
for you and me ♪

♪ From Albert Einstein ♪

♪ To Drake and Rihanna ♪

♪ To Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪

♪ And Mildred, his Latina
housekeeper turned baby mama ♪

♪ They all came here ♪

♪ From shittier places ♪

♪ Because this land
is where they want to be ♪

[ Cheering and applause ]

Sorry, Mexico.

I hate to break it to you but...

♪ This land ain't your land ♪

If you're listening
on the other side...

♪ I'm sorry for the drama ♪

♪ I bet you miss Obama ♪

[ Laughter, cheering, applause ]

Shout out to the immigrants
who came to the America

and do the jobs that Americans
don't want to do,

like marry the President.

I left the border wishing
we were all more

like the people
of the Rio Grande Valley:

Informed, patriotic people
with different opinions,

living side-by-side,

respecting
one another's realities,

and even laughing
at the same things.

I always say, "Comedy
brings people together."

Nobody wants bad
hombres getting in,

and I'm no politician
or security expert,

but it seems obvious that we,
the people, need to find safer

and more dignified
ways for good folks

from every origin
to come to America

to pursue their freedom
and their dreams,

just like my family did.

As for Elcy, the next night
in the detention center,

she gave birth to a big,
fat Texan baby girl.

And on behalf
of all the undocumented

people I met,

I challenge
our elected officials

to remember where
their ancestors came from,

and to be more compassionate

when writing their speeches
and their laws.

Roast on, America.

Roast on.

Give us your tired,
your poor, your hungry.

First round is on me.

I love you, guys!

Thank you for coming
to the show.

I appreciate you so, so much.

Thank you for coming.

Appreciate it.

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Enough with the bread, already.