Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's going to stop me now

(GROANS)

I feel awful.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Balki, I don't get it.

Everyone in Chicago has a cold except you.

Why is that?

Well, cousin, because I drink lots of liquids

and I get plenty of rest

and I eat a regular diet of vital animal organs.

Now I told you last July, I says, "Cousin, in six months

"cold season will be here,

I was a fool not to listen to you.

I guess I'll just have to make do with this cold medicine.

No, cousin, you don't need that cold medicine.

I told mama about your cold and she's sending something

that will cure you. It should be here by 10:30.

She sent it by overnight blue-footed booby bird.

Thank you. You're... You're welcome.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Balki, there is no cure for the common cold.

Balki?

(GASPS)

for the common cold for years.

They discovered cave drawings

with pictures of prehistoric men holding Kleenex.

Yeah, I have a package for Lar-why Ape-lee-toon.

I'm Lar-why Ape-lee-toon.

Oh, cousin, cousin!

This is the cure I was telling you about.

(GASPS)

Welcome to our home.

My name is Balki and, and this is my cousin, Larry.

And Cousin Larry has a cold.

Now, cousin, this cure is-- Balki, Balki...

Balki. No, but let me just say this--

I don't want to hear about your plant

or the bird it flew in on.

Well, you ungrateful little postnasal drip.

My mama climbed clear up the north face of Mount Mypos

to get this plant for you.

And if you think that's easy for an 82-year-old woman

who just underwent a total knee replacement,

you've got another drink coming.

Luckily for you, this is the one time

this century this plant blooms.

And your cold will go away the minute you eat

this Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.

Balki, this Popopoloupolo Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod

will not cure my--

Excuse me, excuse me.

Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.

Popopoloupolo Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod.

Excuse me...

Popopoloupolo. No... Popopoloupolo pod.

Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod. Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod.

Popopoloupolo Bippity-Boppity-Boo.

I just realized what your problem is.

You're Bippity-Boppity-Booing instead of Poppiti-Pooping.

You hear that? This is how it is.

Just not Boppity-Boppity, Poppitipoo pod.

Boppity-Boo... Poppitipoo...

Poppitipoo pod. Poppitipoo... Bippity... Bippity...

Forget Bippity. Bippity Populous.

Plosives. Plosives. Bippity-boppity...

Eat the pod! Eat the pod! Eat the pod!

Okay, give me the stupid po...

Aa-ah...

Oh!

I can breathe through my nose again!

And my sore throat i-is gone. And my eyes don't itch.

And your breath is minty fresh.

You're right!

Well, my cold is gone! I feel great!

Well, of course you do! Don't be ridiculous.

You ate the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.

Balki, the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod

has nothing to do with how I feel.

I took some cold medicine earlier.

Well, cousin, there are none so blind as those who will not ski.

The Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod cured you.

No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

No, it didn't.

BALKI: Yes, it did. LARRY: No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

Yes, it did. No, it didn't.

Yes, it did. Yes, it did. No, it didn't.

Yes, it did. No, it didn't.

No, it didn't. Yes, it did. Yes...

There's nothing more stimulating

than watching stupid people argue.

What were you arguing about this time?

If sheep should be given the vote?

No, Mr. Gorpley, I gave Cousin Larry

a Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod from

the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant and it cured his cold.

No, it didn't. No, it didn't. Yes, it did. Yes, it did.

And... And he won't admit it.

Although they all voted the same way.

(SNEEZING)

I hate the cold season.

Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods? It'll cure your cold.

Oh, I don't think so, Balki.

The last time I ate something from a wild plant I was awake

for three days and everything I looked at had a face on it.

Lydia, do me a favor, eat the pod and prove to Balki

that it doesn't cure the common cold.

I'm desperate, I'll try anything.

My cold is gone!

Well, this is incredible.

If you find a cure for water retention, call me!

Give me one of those.

Oh...

It works.

I feel great.

I have never felt better in my life.

I think I'll go fire someone.

Balki?

Do you realize that this plant is the cure for the common cold?

Well, rub my chest and call me Vicks.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

And this will make the plant grow bigger?

Uh, yes it will. Now, I need a Tootsie Pop.

That was for me, cousin.

Inki...

Binki...

Dwap.

Wa... Uh... That... That's it? Just... Just three drops?

It'll grow bigger with just three drops?

Yes, it will. Now, cousin, don't be rude.

This plant has a name, and her name is Marge.

With proper nurturing,

which includes talking to Marge

and sometimes just listening to what she has to say,

in another six months this little Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo

plant could grow another one or two inches.

Couldn't you, Marge? Couldn't you?

Wait, one or two inches?

Balki, we have here the cure for the common cold.

We should make it grow a lot bigger.

No, no, no, cousin, Marge has to grow at her natural rate.

Bad things happen when you alter the delicate balance of nature.

Nothing bad will happen.

We alter the delicate balance of nature all the time.

Do you think Cheez-Whiz is a natural phenomenon?

Cousin, I'm not gonna give Marge any more food and that's vinyl.

Okay, okay.

I'm sure you're right about this.

It's late. We have to get up early. Good night.

Cousin.

What are you talking about? It's only 8:00!

Yeah, well, Balki, time is relative.

Cousin, I'm not tired.

You're not tired? No, I'm... I'm...

(YAWNING) I'm not at all tired.

I've got laundry, I've got homework.

I've got Legos all over the bedroom floor.

(YAWNING)

Good night. Good night.

(YAWNING) But I am. Good night.

Good night, Balki. Nighty-night.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh, my Lord!

I've got the cure for the common cold!

I can cure millions and millions of dollars... People!

Cousin! Cousin! Come out here!

What? Look!

I didn't do anything to it!

Well, you must have done something! Look at it!

I didn't do anything to it. All I-I just give it three little...

You did this!

Balki, the bigger the plant, the more people

we can cure of the common cold!

Is it wrong to want people to feel good?

No, I want people to feel good too, but, cousin, this is bad.

Nobody on Mypos ever made a Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant

any bigger and they must have had a good reason.

Wouldn't be the first time people on Mypos

Oh, really?

They didn't have a good reason for putting

I have to put a stop to this. A stop to this?

You... You're gonna put a stop to this.

Ba-Balki, what are you doing?

I'm gonna cut the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant

back to its original size.

I'll... I'll just figure out some way

to explain it to the children.

The children? The little children.

Little Billy, who... Who'll catch a cold

because you cut back the plant.

Little Billy, who'll have to stay home from school

and, and miss picture day and have nothing

to remind him of the third grade.

Remember the third grade?

(LAUGHING) Oh.

I loved the third grade.

I played the part of Adam Cartwright

in our school play.

Cousin, little Billy wouldn't miss that, would he?

Oh, yes, he would.

And, and soon little Billy and little Kimberly

and all the little children will, will get colds. They'll...

They'll have sore throats and fevers and runny noses.

(SOBBING) Oh, cousin, I don't want them to have runny noses.

No, I know you don't. I know you don't but they will.

And pretty soon they... They...

They won't even call it a cold anymore.

And instead of saying, "Mommy, I feel awful.

"I have a terrible cold."

They'll say, "Mommy, I feel awful.

"I have a terrible...

"Balki."

(SOBBING) Oh, cousin.

I don't want that to happen.

I know you don't, I know you don't.

So just, just, give me the scissors.

Why don't you just give me the scissors?

Come on, let it go.

Put 'em down on the counter. Slide 'em over here, come on.

Come on, you can... Good, good! It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right.

It's all over. Oh, God!

How could I have been so selfish?

Oh, (STAMMERS) I don't know, Balki.

It's... It's not like you.

(SOBBING)

Come on, come on, come on.

No, no, no, come on, come on, come on.

I think you should just, just go to your room

(STAMMERS) and do some

some serious soul-searching.

You're welcome.

Come on, come on! No, I, I just...

Come on, it's all right, it's all over.

It's all over.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, hi, come on in!

(BOTH SNEEZING)

I thought... I thought you two had a flight to London this morning.

Oh, we do but...

Something's different in here. Don't tell me.

You re-upholstered the couch.

Larry, what is all this?

It's an amazing plant from Mypos.

Well, you can tell us about it when we get back from London.

We just need to borrow some cold pills.

We're all out.

I've got something that'll be even better.

(STAMMERS) It cured my cold and Gorpley's and Lydia's.

Here, here. Trust me.

Larry, this is fantastic. It works great.

You could market this as a cold remedy.

Well, I haven't thought of that.

Well, we better be going, we're gonna miss our flight.

I feel much better, Larry, thank you.

Their apartment looks great.

Mary Anne, the couch is the same as it's always been.

Well, that's stupid.

Why did they re-upholster it in the same material?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(SIGHING) Still busy.

since she started watching the Home Shopping Network.

How many pair of fuzzy slippers does her pig need?

But don't worry, cousin, it's important we find out

what the side effect of making the plant big is.

So I'll keep trying.

Fine, you try to get ahold of mama.

I've got an appointment with the vice president

of Danforth Pharmaceuticals.

Cousin, you don't know anything about farming.

It's a drug company.

No, Balki, I'm not buying drugs. I'm selling them.

Oh, cousin, it's worse than I thought!

Balki, Balki, Balki. Try to follow what I'm saying.

Danforth Pharmaceuticals is a company that makes medicine

and they are very excited about the plant.

I've got an appointment with them in half an hour.

And when they see what these pods can do

they are going to give us money.

They are going to give us 6% of gross profits

or $50 million annually, whichever is greater.

And best of all, I am going to be so rich,

I'll be able to hire a man full time

just to explain things to you.

Cousin, cousin...

Please don't do this.

Balki, the FDA will test it before they sell it.

Everything will be fine.

Cousin, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

But this is my plant and I'm not going to let you sell it.

It is your plant?

That's right, it is my plant.

It came from my home and it was sent here by my mama.

That's true, that's true!

But who did your mama send the plant to?

Who was the package addressed to?

Who's name was on the package, hmm?

Larry Appleton.

That's right. That's right.

The plant belongs to Larry Appleton.

And you opened a package that was addressed to me

which is a direct violation

Oh, shut up!

Fine, I am off to Danforth Pharmaceuticals

to get our fortune.

Larry, if you don't have a cure for this you're a dead man!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

Oh, Mama says that a few days after eating

the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod from the oversized plant

the facial hair disappears and the cold comes back again.

(ALL SNEEZING)

But I ate a pod from the small plant.

Why do I have a cold again?

Well, maybe you're not getting enough vitamin C.

I've heard a good source of vitamin C is vitamin C pills.

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

Oh. Mama says that back in 1307

they had a really cold winter

and they grew the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods

really big.

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

Mama says that they chewed the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods

until spring and to this day Mypiot women

still have mustaches.

To be frank, I thought the mustache made you look

rather sexy.

MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, bye-bye, babe.

I was so close to being so rich.

Cousin, in another 100 years the plant will bloom again

and you'll be rich and probably dead.

Larry, I love you even though you aren't rich.

Of course, if you were rich it would be better.

(BOTH SNEEZING)

Cousin, you've got to learn that money isn't everything.

In fact, if you have your health, you've got everything.

(SNEEZING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)