All language subtitles for Married With Childrey Files

Oh, Peg, I'm so excited.

It has been so long. So very, very long.

But in just a few brief moments...

...a brand-new baseball season
officially begins.

Well, Al, as long as I live...

...I will never understand
your fascination with baseball.

Well, if you'd promise
not to live too long I'd tell you.

I mean, baseball is so boring.

How come they don't have
a Harlem Globetrotters baseball team?

They do. They're called the Mets.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do I smell trail mix?

Fresh from under the sofa cushions.

Grab a seat.

Button.

Oh, hey, before I forget...

...Marcie wanted to invite you
to an April Fools' party tomorrow.

Really? Man, I love April Fools' Day.

Peg, remember Mrs. Quinn,
our Music teacher?

Yeah. One April Fools'...

...we faked a love note
from her to the female Gym teacher.

And the school board
suspended her license.

Just three days
before her retirement.

And her husband divorced her,
left her penniless.

Well, one April Fools' Day,
I called the operator...

...said I couldn't get through to the zoo
because their lion was busy.

You get it?

Dad.

Great news, Dad.

Kelly and I wanna start up
our own business.

So you'll loan us $5000?

Well, sure.

Jody, Buffy, let me truck on over
here to the wall safe. Nobody look.

Well, strike me blind
and call me Charlie.

It's been took.

Quick. After them.

I'll wait over here by the ball game.

I didn't even know
we had a wall safe.

Too bad it's gone.
Your brains were in it.

Now, kids, if your father had been
a successful shoe salesman--

Or husband, or lover or anything.

--what business would it have been?
- A photography studio...

...where lonely guys could get
pictures taken with pretty girls.

Hey, now, that's not a bad idea.
How did you come up with that?

Well, Saturday night and everyone
was out partying and everything...

...so obviously Bud was upstairs
in his room looking at underwear ads.

- Look.
- And I figured--

It's not important
how she got the idea.

The point is we need $5000.

Well, a good panhandler
can pull in $500 a day.

Five hundred dollars a day?

We'll have Bud and Kelly's
open in no time.

Hey, wait a minute. It was my idea.
We're gonna name it after me.

There's already a place
called "In-N-Out."

The game's starting.

- Who are those guys?
- They're just a bunch of VIPs...

...nobody cares about.

That's the owner of the team.

He's introducing a new guy
who just bought 10 percent of it.

- That's him.
- Huh, that's who?

That's him, Walter Traugott.

I gotta go.

Wait a second, Jefferson.
Come back here. What's wrong?

Was it something Peg did?

Because if it was, she'll be in
the basement until the All-Star break.

Now who am I gonna
watch the game with?

- Another thing about this baseball--
- No.

Now, why does that guy
get to walk to the base?

Because he got four balls.

- Well--
- Don't even say it, Peg.

If your mouth must open
and close, do it on this.

If you paid as much attention to me
as you do to this...

- ...I probably wouldn't mind so much.
- I do pay attention to you, Peg.

No, he was safe.

Al, I think I broke my tooth.

He was safe.

Safe. Safe. Safe.

Please, Marcie,
I am not in the mood for this tonight.

But, Jefferson,
it has been almost eight hours.

Look, there's something
I have to tell you.

Tonight I was watching the ball game
with Al and who do I see on the TV?

Walter Traugott,
the new owner of the team.

Odd that the owner
would be at the game.

Mount me.

Look, there's something else
I have to tell you.

I haven't been completely honest
with you about my past.

You mean you're not permanently
disabled and can work?

No. Not that.

Look, my real name
isn't Jefferson D'Arcy.

I used to work for the CIA.

And a few years ago
I was involved in a covert operation...

...that sent a lot of bad people
to prison for a long time.

But there was this one guy
that got away.

The only person in the world
who can blow my cover.

Walter Traugott.

Well, thank God. I thought you
were gonna tell me you dated Cher.

Well, I did, but--

It wasn't part of the job,
it was just my turn.

Now, I know you'll be upset.

You'll probably go through
the classic...

...denial, guilt, depression,
anger, acceptance syndrome.

That is preposterous.

Admit it. It's all my fault.
I should just kill myself.

Or kill you, you son of a bitch.

But I love you, whoever you are.

What do we do now?

I don't know.

But if Traugott finds me,
I'm as dead as network TV.

Maybe it's just a coincidence
that Traugott's in Chicago.

I mean, Chicago is a big town.

It's not like he's gonna come
through the window and get you.

Jefferson.

Gabby.

Oh, my tooth.

Jefferson, I can't stand to hear
Peg in so much pain.

- You have any Novocain?
- No.

Al, it's getting worse.

How about some duct tape?

- Hello?
- Hello.

Yes, Golden Sunset
Retirement Home?

Yes, I'm with the phone company.

We've got a man
working on your phone lines...

...so would you not pick up the phone
for the next five minutes or so...

...or he'll be electrocuted.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Bye.

Hello?

Oh, I love April Fools' Day.

Hello, Chicago Memorial Hospital?

Yes. Coronary Care unit, please.

Room 410.

I don't understand it.

Well, we both look
desperate and homeless.

Yet they give you all the money
and spit all over me.

Why is that?

You don't get it, do you?

Look.

This is not a fun-house mirror.

This is actually what you look like.

Now, on the other hand,
this is what I look like.

And that is why
we're opening Kelly and Bud's.

Spare change?

- Al Bundy?
- Yes, officer?

I'm innocent. I was abused.

No, Mr. Bundy.
My name is Walter Traugott.

Oh, the baseball-team owner.

Yeah, I saw you on TV last night.
What are you doing here?

I've got something to discuss with you
of a rather personal nature.

Well, don't worry about it, Troggy.

Your secret's safe with me.
I'll just go close the blinds...

...and you can try on
anything you like here.

For season tickets, I'll call a friend
of mine over at Victoria's Secret...

...and you can coordinate.

Thank you. No, Mr. Bundy,
I came here to ask you a question.

Specifically, do you know
the man in this picture?

Or this one.

Or maybe this one.

I'll cut to the chase.

This man is one of the most
dangerous people in the world.

Joey Bishop?

I always suspected that.

- That one.
- Him?

- Why, that looks like--
- Like who, Mr. Bundy?

Hey, now, If you're a cop,
I don't talk to the law...

...I don't listen to the law,
I don't watch L.A. Law.

Let me level with you.
The man I'm asking you about...

...is a spy, Mr. Bundy.
A dangerous spy.

And we want him. This is my card.

I'll be in Chicago for two more days.

Not that you'd put financial gain above
your country's national security...

...but there is a reward for information
leading to the arrest of this man.

Oh, rewards mean nothing to me.

- How much is it, by the way?
- Fifty thousand dollars.

I'll be talking to you.

All right, Peg. I made the appointment
with the dentist.

This better still hurt when we get there
because dentists aren't cheap.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Oh, nothing.

Or as they say in the Kremlin,
"nyet."

- Al.
- Peg, please just go wait in the car.

- I'll be right there.
- Promise me, Al?

Yes, I promise, Peg.

- You swear to me, Al?
- Damn your hide, yes, I promise.

Wait in the freaking car.

Jeez, the things that women make
you say to show them you love them.

- What do you want, buddy?
- Oh, nothing.

It's just that I didn't get a chance
to talk to you much yesterday...

...and I was just, you know,
wondering what was up, you know?

- Nothing.
- Me neither.

So...

...ever been a spy?

I beg your pardon?

Okay. Okay.

Let's get right to the point.

Who won the World Series in '76?

The Reds.

- What?
- Interesting choice-ski, comrade.

Look, shouldn't you be taking
Peggy to the dentist?

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

- Do you know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

I wanna play
Name the American Presidents.

- You gotta be kidding.
- Afraid not.

You go first.

Okay. George Washington.

- Eisenhower.
- John Adams.

Eisenhower.

Thomas Jefferson.

Eisenhower.

James K. Polk.

Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Al, we have run through
the presidents 15 times.

Just one more question.

Big 'Uns magazine...

...Hooters of the Month.

November '88.

Kimberly Nicholson. Born 1969.

Turn ons: fast cars, walks
on the beach and young Rod Stewart.

Turn offs: Men who smoke,
war and old Rod Stewart.

Right?

What's that?
I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

All right, let's say
you're an American.

Of course I'm an American, Al.

Look, what is going on here?

Walter Traugott came into the store
today, told me you were a spy.

Said he'd give me a $50,000 reward
if I turned you in.

Did you?

Do I look like I'm in Rio
without the wife and kids?

Although there is a plane
leaving at 6.

All right.

- All right. Look, Al, I was a spy.
- Thank you.

But for us.
Traugott's the bad guy.

Besides, Al, you have known me
for three years.

You know I'm an American.

Well, so am I, that's why it's so hard
to turn down free money.

I've got another reason for you
not to turn me in, Al.

Because you're a Bundy...

...and if you put a D
where the N is, you're a buddy.

If you put the N where the D is,
I'm a bunny. What's your point?

Look, I'm not gonna turn you in.

There are three things a Bundy will
never be: rich, a snitch or regular.

So relax. Your secret's safe with me.

- Thanks, Al.
- One last question.

Who was the vice-president
under President Eisenhower?

I have no idea.

You are an American.

- Al.
- Oh, yeah, the dentist.

- All right, let's go.
- I've already been, you kumquat.

Here's the bill.

- How am I supposed to pay this?
- Don't look at me.

If only it were that easy.

Dad, got some bad news.

The traditional Bundy greeting.

The police confiscated
our beggings.

And we're being sued
for impersonating the homeless.

You know what the worst part is?

That it's too late to adopt
the Menendez boys?

No. The photo studio
would have been a success.

Panhandling. This is what we get
for listening to Mr. D'Arcy.

Yeah. Boy, I wish
we had something on him.

Fifty thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars.

Hi, Al.

Hey, I got some great stuff
for the April Fools' party tonight.

Check it out, fake vomit.

And fake doggie doo-doo.

Humans.
They really know how to party.

I've been thinking about it
and I can't go to the party with you.

Why not?

Oh, it's the lame
April Fools' gags, huh?

Well, that and I could get killed
hanging out with you.

See, I don't wanna go that way.
I wanna go the way all Bundys go.

I wanna hang myself
in my own basement...

...by jumping off my workbench.

Not that I have it planned out
or anything.

But nobody knows who I am, Al.

Unless you told.

Now, why would I do that?
Who would I tell?

Paging Mr. Traugott.
Paging Mr. Walter Traugott.

Now, that page
could have come from anybody.

Mr. Al Bundy paging Walter Traugott.

What? Jefferson, now, I swear
I didn't have nothing to do with that.

I see now what I have to do.

But I didn't have
nothing to do with that.

You would think
after a few years...

...you could count on a friend
to take him at his word.

But I guess you just never know
who you can really trust, hey, buddy?

That's bunny.

With two N's.

Don't grovel, Al.
Look, if you have to say anything...

...I want you to take a deep breath...

...and tell me...

...who's the best damn April Fooler
in the whole world?

- April Fool?
- That's right.

April Fool.

What about that guy
that came to my store?

Walter Traugott? He's an old friend
of the family from D.C.

I sent him into your store
with that story, Al.

And you bought it
hook, line, and sinker.

Oh, yeah? Well, you better not use
your phone for the next five minutes...

...because someone's gonna be
working on your lines.

Nice try.
Come on, let's go to the party.

But you mean
none of that spy stuff was true?

Oh, come on, Al.

If I was really involved espionage...

...couldn't I have just made one
phone call and had Traugott taken out?

- I guess.
- Well, then, what do you think?

And that's a ground out to third.

Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen...

...Walter Traugott fell to the ground
from an upper deck luxury box.

And now some other scores
around the league.

In the fifth, Milwaukee is leading
the White Sox 6 to 1.

And in Los Angeles,
the Dodgers still suck.