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1
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:04,570
[ Door opens ]
2
00:00:06,239 --> 00:00:08,140
Sorry about the mud, bro.
[ Unzips zipper ]
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,875
[ Chuckling ]
No worries.
4
00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,243
So, uh...
5
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,078
me and Johnny are gonna
go rape us a donkey.
6
00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,080
There might be room for
one more, if you're interested.
7
00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:16,848
Uh, no.
No, thank you.
8
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:18,683
I find that
quite repulsive.
9
00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:21,720
Also, it's a sin, so even
if I wanted to, which I don't --
10
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,755
You think you're so much
better than us, don't you,
11
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:25,390
Goody Goody?!
If you don't want
12
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,392
to be down here, why don't you
file an appeal, you dumbass.
13
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,994
You're so good, I don't know
why you're down here
14
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,662
in the first place.
15
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:33,399
[ Door opens, closes ]
16
00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:37,436
Well, son of a B.
17
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,105
โชโช
18
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,574
It says you ate meat
on a Friday.
19
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:43,775
-What?
-Yeah.
20
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,110
I-I wouldn't do that.
I'm a Catholic.
21
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,711
You know, it's not even
a sin anymore.
22
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:49,848
That kind of makes you want
to say "Goddamn it," doesn't it?
23
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,450
Goddamn it.
24
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,285
-Our Father, who art in --
-Oh, get the hell up.
25
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,221
Rest of your record's
pretty clean, so...
26
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,956
I think we could put you
in the judgment court.
27
00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,558
Really?!
28
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,393
Oh, what do I need, a lawyer?
29
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:02,427
We're in hell, Iggy.
30
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:03,962
Can't throw a rock
without hitting one.
31
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,464
[ Laughs ]
32
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,898
Oh, look...
33
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,634
some rocks.
34
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,604
Let's go get a lawyer.
35
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:15,107
Okay, I'm sick of this.
Who's got my toe?
36
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,808
-Go ahead, give it a shot.
-Okay, who's got my toe?
37
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:22,414
It's two inches long, it's red,
it used to have a nail on it --
38
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:24,149
[ Thud ]
39
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:27,385
[ Distant scream ]
40
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,754
Oh, law rocks,
law rocks, law rocks! Get!
41
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:30,989
Come on!
42
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,491
Run, you sons of bitches!
43
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,759
Hey, you better get out
of here, fool! Law rocks!
44
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,595
[ Gasps ]
45
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:51,676
โชโช
46
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:53,745
[ Chuckles ]
47
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,247
Hey.
48
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,015
You want me on retainer,
49
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,618
you gotta get
a little better aim, fatso!
50
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,353
Ow!
51
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:03,488
I hit a corporate attorney
with 25 years
52
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,190
experience
counter-suing cancer victims
53
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,626
for the tobacco companies,
and you...
54
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,327
you hit Gary.
55
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,363
Oh, no.
56
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,798
I'm a lawyer now.
[ Sighs ]
57
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:18,703
Well, butter my butt
and call me a biscuit, Troy.
58
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:21,840
You must be as nervous
as a long-tailed cat
59
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,375
in a room
full of rocking chairs.
60
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:25,944
What, are you gonna cook us
all some fried chicken?
61
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,547
All rise.
Judge Satan presiding.
62
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,048
Sit down.
63
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,684
[ Clears throat ]
Opening statements.
64
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,419
Gary, you're up.
65
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,158
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
66
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:43,328
an angel walks
amongst us here today.
67
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,897
He says his nightly prayers
every night
68
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,465
before we dip him
in battery acid.
69
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,035
Now, I guess the good
Lord himself
70
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:53,338
must have heard those prayers,
because I submit to you that
71
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:56,141
Goody Goody
does not belong here.
72
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,809
Mm, not like you, ma'am.
73
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:02,247
For not only is it no longer
a sin to eat meat on a Friday,
74
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:04,916
nor was it meat,
nor did he eat it.
75
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,484
Nor was it a Friday.
76
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,754
Nor was the man even in
the location of day in question!
77
00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:12,090
No further questions!
78
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,925
Well, you're not
asking questions.
79
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,760
This is opening statements.
80
00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:18,697
Anybody can ask me a question.
I'll answer questions.
81
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,566
Okay, Troy?
82
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:24,936
TGIF.
83
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:28,006
Thank God it's Friday, right?
84
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:33,912
Was God thankful when one of
his beloved sons blasphemed him?
85
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:38,450
Now, we've all heard
my less-than-esteemed colleague
86
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:41,253
talk in a hackneyed
southern accent.
87
00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:44,789
And in response
to his argument...
88
00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:47,125
where's the beef?
89
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,527
I'll tell you where
the beef was.
90
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,297
In his mouth, down his gullet,
91
00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:54,532
and in every inch
of his digestive tract
92
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,668
on the Friday
in question.
93
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,573
Thank you.
94
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,141
[ Murmuring ]
95
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,277
-I think he sucked.
-All right.
96
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,212
[ Clears throat ] Gary.
97
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,547
I'd like to call Goody Goody
to the stand.
98
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,649
Oh.
99
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,618
Now, Goody Goody,
what was your profession
100
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,787
while you resided
on the planet earth?
101
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:19,124
I was owner and manager
of Q-Munion Barbecue.
102
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:22,661
Q-Munion Barbecue,
the most awkwardly named
103
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,930
Catholic-themed barbecue
restaurant in all of Texas.
104
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,332
-Yes, sir.
-I'd like to submit
105
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,135
this next video as evidence
to the court.
106
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:33,071
Footage of Goody
at the back of his restaurant.
107
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,806
Now, would you walk me
through this?
108
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,008
Ignatius: I'd spent the day
serving food to the homeless.
109
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,177
Gary: And something like
that's gotta make a man hungry.
110
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,979
Mm, just looking at that
111
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,348
'cue like a big,
wet, brown butt.
112
00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:44,749
Just want to put
your face in it.
113
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,584
Now, why don't you just walk
over there
114
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:49,187
and just take a hunk off of that
beef and put it in your mouth?
115
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,022
Ignatius: Because it was
10 minutes after midnight,
116
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:52,257
Friday morning.
117
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,792
So what did you do
with the meat?
118
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,361
Well, I loaded it up in
my truck, and I drove west.
119
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,263
You were tired,
you were hungry,
120
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,465
and you were distracted
by the waves
121
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,801
of odor coming
off that flesh,
122
00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:05,170
just steaming that
windshield, weren't you?
123
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:07,305
Yes, sir.
The meat looked so good,
124
00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:10,008
I guess I just took
my eyes off the road.
125
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:14,379
[ Imitating tires squealing ]
126
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,481
Ooh. Well, why don't you
just reach over,
127
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,483
and you could have had
the barbecue then.
128
00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:19,617
No.
129
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,219
I'm sure that Jesus
would have forgiven you.
130
00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,388
No. No, sir!
I would never do that.
131
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,724
I grabbed as much of it
as I could hold,
132
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,359
and I tried to run west.
133
00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:28,993
And if it
pleases the court,
134
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:31,963
I've got two fistfuls of pork
from pork circle.
135
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,700
Mr. Goody Goody, would you say
you ran something like this?
136
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,069
Objection! No one is
questioning his ability
137
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,637
to run with meat
in his hands!
138
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,139
I've got pork!
Oh, I got pork, I got pork!
139
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,741
I will allow it.
It is highly entertaining.
140
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,810
I got pork, I got pork!
Three broken ribs.
141
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:49,748
He ran for three and a half
miles across to Hudspeth County
142
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,751
with two hands filled with wet,
saucy barbecue.
143
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,686
Now, I want you to freeze
the frame here.
144
00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:56,721
Let's freeze the tape of that.
Freeze-frame.
145
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,924
Enhance,
enhance, enhance.
146
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,427
Thank you.
12:57!
147
00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:07,766
That's what I was saying --
after midnight on Friday.
148
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,567
Any man's mistake.
149
00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:12,437
Hudspeth County is actually
the only county in Texas
150
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,205
in the Mountain
Time Zone.
151
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,274
Now, I'm a simple man.
152
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,777
People would say
I'm a stupid man.
153
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,278
But it seems to me that
154
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,781
Goody ran from Central
to Mountain.
155
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,849
So I submit to you...
156
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,552
it was not 12:57
on a Friday morning,
157
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:31,189
it was 11:57
on a Thursday evening.
158
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,024
No further questions.
Yeah!
159
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,893
Whoo!
160
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,628
All y'all doubted me.
161
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,033
Troy: All right.
162
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,768
We're willing to cut you a deal.
163
00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:45,637
He'll spend six months
in purgatory,
164
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:48,306
but then he can go
straight up to heaven.
165
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,607
Here's my counter.
166
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:50,875
My client goes straight
to heaven,
167
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,477
I get a written apology
from Satan,
168
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,712
and you eat my shit, Troy.
169
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,781
-We're out of here.
-Okay, that's fine.
170
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,550
We'll give you -- We'll give you
everything but the last part.
171
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,319
Oh, that's tougher
than titties on a turtle, Troy,
172
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,455
because the window
is closed on that deal.
173
00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:05,423
No. Because, you see,
he's giving us everything.
174
00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:08,427
-I think I know what I'm doing.
-I'll eat -- I'll eat one turd.
175
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,797
He's bluffing.
Let's go!
176
00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:20,071
[ Clears throat ]
All that barbecue. Mm!
177
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,808
That was some good-looking 'cue.
178
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,310
All that barbecue.
179
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:27,946
Objection!
Badgering my witness.
180
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,415
You got nothing,
and you know it, Troy.
181
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,417
Satan: Overruled.
Continue.
182
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,687
Typically, a restaurant
will have meat and three.
183
00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,789
Mm.
Did you have any sides with it?
184
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,525
Objection!
This is a fishing exhibition.
185
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,861
Collard greens are not
on trial here.
186
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:47,966
The video shows you had beans,
coleslaw, and a...
187
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,801
Wait, what the hell is that?
188
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:52,971
Is that a tube sock
on the barbecue?
189
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,873
Sometimes I like to put
tube socks on the meat
190
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,474
'cause it seals
in the juices.
191
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,343
-That looks like a wristwatch.
-Objection!
192
00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,677
Objection, that is
a meat thermometer.
193
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,212
Is that a meat thermometer?
194
00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:03,047
Do turkey legs
have fingernails?
195
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:05,149
-That's pretty messed up, man.
-Right?
196
00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:07,552
It's a person!
He's a cannibal!
197
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,054
[ Murmuring, gavel bangs ]
198
00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,322
[ Laughs ]
199
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:12,524
-Troy?
-Oh.
200
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:13,725
Really good news.
201
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,193
I've been talking
with my client,
202
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:18,363
and I think I got him to agree
to take the deal, so...
203
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,131
You mean your client
who testified
204
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,566
that he helped
the homeless?
205
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,202
He helps the homeless all right,
right into the oven.
206
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,304
He's making a hobo chorizo.
207
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,672
Oh, my God.
208
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:29,707
What if we do
a thing where, uh,
209
00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:33,645
he splits time
between here and heaven?
210
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,580
I'm just trying to save
some face.
211
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,883
Your client liked to save face,
too -- in his freezer.
212
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,084
I will see you in court.
213
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,353
And I think that you will be
very surprised
214
00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:45,690
at how many tricks
I have left up my sleeves.
215
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,927
I think we're all out
of moves here.
216
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,595
God help me.
217
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,263
You're not a Goody Goody.
218
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,666
You're a Baddy Baddy.
219
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,267
I gotta go take a whiz.
220
00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:57,769
Just make sure
not to eat anybody
221
00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:00,705
on the way to the bathroom!
222
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,912
That was a joke.
223
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:09,547
You couldn't get
a napkin?
224
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:11,249
Big N' Wide: All rise.
225
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,052
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sit down.
226
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,054
Where's my prosecutor?
227
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,455
[ Door opens ]
I'm here!
228
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,290
I'm here.
229
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,558
[ Grunts ]
230
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,694
Your Honor...
231
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,598
I would like to drop all charges
against Goody Goody.
232
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:27,966
What, he can't go to heaven --
he's a cannibal.
233
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,134
He has no business in heaven.
I agree with Troy.
234
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:32,971
-I agree with you, Gary.
-I'm agreeing with you.
235
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,240
-Shut up, Gary! Shut up!
-Order. Order!
236
00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:37,875
[ Clears throat ]
237
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,645
All rise.
238
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,147
You, too, Troy.
239
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,883
Come on.
[ Laughs ]
240
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:46,985
There we go.
241
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,454
On the charge of eating meat
on a Friday,
242
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:51,322
we find the defendant...
243
00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:53,891
not guilty.
244
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,961
But on the charge of eating
people on a Thursday,
245
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,063
yeah,
he's definitely guilty.
246
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,264
Thank you.
247
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:02,000
Look, I don't want to legislate
from the bench,
248
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:05,737
but the Bible simply does not
mention cannibalism as a sin.
249
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,171
What?
250
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:09,507
But you're finding against
the defendant?
251
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,644
Yes.
We find the defendant guilty.
252
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,547
[ All gasping ]
253
00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:26,457
[ Clears throat ] I'm sorry,
I meant to say
254
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:27,925
that we find
the defendant not guilty.
255
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,427
-Not guilty.
-Not guilty.
256
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,195
-Not guilty.
-Not guilty.
257
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,531
My bad.
258
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,833
What just happened?
259
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,201
My hands are tied here.
260
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:40,104
I have to find the defendant
not guilty.
261
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:43,541
Why did we even do this?
262
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,476
[ Chuckles ] I gotta tell you
again, I'm sorry,
263
00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:47,178
I guess I misjudged you.
264
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,379
Yeah, you did.
265
00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:50,348
Literally misjudged him.
266
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,351
Gary, thank you
for everything.
267
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,354
No hard feelings.
268
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,989
Good luck up there,
big guy.
269
00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:00,458
Excuse me!
I can't stop it!
270
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,226
-You got --
-Oh!
271
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:04,462
[ Bell dings ]
272
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,364
Uh, is this Ignatius?
273
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,733
-Yep.
-All right.
274
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,770
You're doomed.
19712
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