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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:04,570 [ Door opens ] 2 00:00:06,239 --> 00:00:08,140 Sorry about the mud, bro. [ Unzips zipper ] 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,875 [ Chuckling ] No worries. 4 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,243 So, uh... 5 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,078 me and Johnny are gonna go rape us a donkey. 6 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,080 There might be room for one more, if you're interested. 7 00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:16,848 Uh, no. No, thank you. 8 00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:18,683 I find that quite repulsive. 9 00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:21,720 Also, it's a sin, so even if I wanted to, which I don't -- 10 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,755 You think you're so much better than us, don't you, 11 00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:25,390 Goody Goody?! If you don't want 12 00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,392 to be down here, why don't you file an appeal, you dumbass. 13 00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,994 You're so good, I don't know why you're down here 14 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,662 in the first place. 15 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:33,399 [ Door opens, closes ] 16 00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:37,436 Well, son of a B. 17 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,105 โ™ชโ™ช 18 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,574 It says you ate meat on a Friday. 19 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:43,775 -What? -Yeah. 20 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,110 I-I wouldn't do that. I'm a Catholic. 21 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,711 You know, it's not even a sin anymore. 22 00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:49,848 That kind of makes you want to say "Goddamn it," doesn't it? 23 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,450 Goddamn it. 24 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,285 -Our Father, who art in -- -Oh, get the hell up. 25 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,221 Rest of your record's pretty clean, so... 26 00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,956 I think we could put you in the judgment court. 27 00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,558 Really?! 28 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,393 Oh, what do I need, a lawyer? 29 00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:02,427 We're in hell, Iggy. 30 00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:03,962 Can't throw a rock without hitting one. 31 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,464 [ Laughs ] 32 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,898 Oh, look... 33 00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,634 some rocks. 34 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,604 Let's go get a lawyer. 35 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:15,107 Okay, I'm sick of this. Who's got my toe? 36 00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,808 -Go ahead, give it a shot. -Okay, who's got my toe? 37 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:22,414 It's two inches long, it's red, it used to have a nail on it -- 38 00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:24,149 [ Thud ] 39 00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:27,385 [ Distant scream ] 40 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,754 Oh, law rocks, law rocks, law rocks! Get! 41 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:30,989 Come on! 42 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,491 Run, you sons of bitches! 43 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,759 Hey, you better get out of here, fool! Law rocks! 44 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,595 [ Gasps ] 45 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:51,676 โ™ชโ™ช 46 00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:53,745 [ Chuckles ] 47 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,247 Hey. 48 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,015 You want me on retainer, 49 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,618 you gotta get a little better aim, fatso! 50 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,353 Ow! 51 00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:03,488 I hit a corporate attorney with 25 years 52 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,190 experience counter-suing cancer victims 53 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,626 for the tobacco companies, and you... 54 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,327 you hit Gary. 55 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,363 Oh, no. 56 00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,798 I'm a lawyer now. [ Sighs ] 57 00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:18,703 Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, Troy. 58 00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:21,840 You must be as nervous as a long-tailed cat 59 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,375 in a room full of rocking chairs. 60 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:25,944 What, are you gonna cook us all some fried chicken? 61 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,547 All rise. Judge Satan presiding. 62 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,048 Sit down. 63 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,684 [ Clears throat ] Opening statements. 64 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,419 Gary, you're up. 65 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,158 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 66 00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:43,328 an angel walks amongst us here today. 67 00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,897 He says his nightly prayers every night 68 00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,465 before we dip him in battery acid. 69 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,035 Now, I guess the good Lord himself 70 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:53,338 must have heard those prayers, because I submit to you that 71 00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:56,141 Goody Goody does not belong here. 72 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,809 Mm, not like you, ma'am. 73 00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:02,247 For not only is it no longer a sin to eat meat on a Friday, 74 00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:04,916 nor was it meat, nor did he eat it. 75 00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,484 Nor was it a Friday. 76 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,754 Nor was the man even in the location of day in question! 77 00:03:09,789 --> 00:03:12,090 No further questions! 78 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,925 Well, you're not asking questions. 79 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,760 This is opening statements. 80 00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:18,697 Anybody can ask me a question. I'll answer questions. 81 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,566 Okay, Troy? 82 00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:24,936 TGIF. 83 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:28,006 Thank God it's Friday, right? 84 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:33,912 Was God thankful when one of his beloved sons blasphemed him? 85 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:38,450 Now, we've all heard my less-than-esteemed colleague 86 00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:41,253 talk in a hackneyed southern accent. 87 00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:44,789 And in response to his argument... 88 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:47,125 where's the beef? 89 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,527 I'll tell you where the beef was. 90 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,297 In his mouth, down his gullet, 91 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:54,532 and in every inch of his digestive tract 92 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,668 on the Friday in question. 93 00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,573 Thank you. 94 00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,141 [ Murmuring ] 95 00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,277 -I think he sucked. -All right. 96 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,212 [ Clears throat ] Gary. 97 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,547 I'd like to call Goody Goody to the stand. 98 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,649 Oh. 99 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,618 Now, Goody Goody, what was your profession 100 00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,787 while you resided on the planet earth? 101 00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:19,124 I was owner and manager of Q-Munion Barbecue. 102 00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:22,661 Q-Munion Barbecue, the most awkwardly named 103 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,930 Catholic-themed barbecue restaurant in all of Texas. 104 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,332 -Yes, sir. -I'd like to submit 105 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,135 this next video as evidence to the court. 106 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:33,071 Footage of Goody at the back of his restaurant. 107 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,806 Now, would you walk me through this? 108 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,008 Ignatius: I'd spent the day serving food to the homeless. 109 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,177 Gary: And something like that's gotta make a man hungry. 110 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,979 Mm, just looking at that 111 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,348 'cue like a big, wet, brown butt. 112 00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:44,749 Just want to put your face in it. 113 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,584 Now, why don't you just walk over there 114 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:49,187 and just take a hunk off of that beef and put it in your mouth? 115 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,022 Ignatius: Because it was 10 minutes after midnight, 116 00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:52,257 Friday morning. 117 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,792 So what did you do with the meat? 118 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,361 Well, I loaded it up in my truck, and I drove west. 119 00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,263 You were tired, you were hungry, 120 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,465 and you were distracted by the waves 121 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,801 of odor coming off that flesh, 122 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:05,170 just steaming that windshield, weren't you? 123 00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:07,305 Yes, sir. The meat looked so good, 124 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:10,008 I guess I just took my eyes off the road. 125 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:14,379 [ Imitating tires squealing ] 126 00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,481 Ooh. Well, why don't you just reach over, 127 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,483 and you could have had the barbecue then. 128 00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:19,617 No. 129 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,219 I'm sure that Jesus would have forgiven you. 130 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,388 No. No, sir! I would never do that. 131 00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,724 I grabbed as much of it as I could hold, 132 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,359 and I tried to run west. 133 00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:28,993 And if it pleases the court, 134 00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:31,963 I've got two fistfuls of pork from pork circle. 135 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,700 Mr. Goody Goody, would you say you ran something like this? 136 00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,069 Objection! No one is questioning his ability 137 00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,637 to run with meat in his hands! 138 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,139 I've got pork! Oh, I got pork, I got pork! 139 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,741 I will allow it. It is highly entertaining. 140 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,810 I got pork, I got pork! Three broken ribs. 141 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:49,748 He ran for three and a half miles across to Hudspeth County 142 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,751 with two hands filled with wet, saucy barbecue. 143 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,686 Now, I want you to freeze the frame here. 144 00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:56,721 Let's freeze the tape of that. Freeze-frame. 145 00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,924 Enhance, enhance, enhance. 146 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,427 Thank you. 12:57! 147 00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:07,766 That's what I was saying -- after midnight on Friday. 148 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,567 Any man's mistake. 149 00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:12,437 Hudspeth County is actually the only county in Texas 150 00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,205 in the Mountain Time Zone. 151 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,274 Now, I'm a simple man. 152 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,777 People would say I'm a stupid man. 153 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,278 But it seems to me that 154 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,781 Goody ran from Central to Mountain. 155 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,849 So I submit to you... 156 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,552 it was not 12:57 on a Friday morning, 157 00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:31,189 it was 11:57 on a Thursday evening. 158 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,024 No further questions. Yeah! 159 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,893 Whoo! 160 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,628 All y'all doubted me. 161 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,033 Troy: All right. 162 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,768 We're willing to cut you a deal. 163 00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:45,637 He'll spend six months in purgatory, 164 00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:48,306 but then he can go straight up to heaven. 165 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,607 Here's my counter. 166 00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:50,875 My client goes straight to heaven, 167 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,477 I get a written apology from Satan, 168 00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,712 and you eat my shit, Troy. 169 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,781 -We're out of here. -Okay, that's fine. 170 00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,550 We'll give you -- We'll give you everything but the last part. 171 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,319 Oh, that's tougher than titties on a turtle, Troy, 172 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,455 because the window is closed on that deal. 173 00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:05,423 No. Because, you see, he's giving us everything. 174 00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:08,427 -I think I know what I'm doing. -I'll eat -- I'll eat one turd. 175 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,797 He's bluffing. Let's go! 176 00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:20,071 [ Clears throat ] All that barbecue. Mm! 177 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,808 That was some good-looking 'cue. 178 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,310 All that barbecue. 179 00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:27,946 Objection! Badgering my witness. 180 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,415 You got nothing, and you know it, Troy. 181 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,417 Satan: Overruled. Continue. 182 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,687 Typically, a restaurant will have meat and three. 183 00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,789 Mm. Did you have any sides with it? 184 00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,525 Objection! This is a fishing exhibition. 185 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,861 Collard greens are not on trial here. 186 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:47,966 The video shows you had beans, coleslaw, and a... 187 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,801 Wait, what the hell is that? 188 00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:52,971 Is that a tube sock on the barbecue? 189 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,873 Sometimes I like to put tube socks on the meat 190 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,474 'cause it seals in the juices. 191 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,343 -That looks like a wristwatch. -Objection! 192 00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,677 Objection, that is a meat thermometer. 193 00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,212 Is that a meat thermometer? 194 00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:03,047 Do turkey legs have fingernails? 195 00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:05,149 -That's pretty messed up, man. -Right? 196 00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:07,552 It's a person! He's a cannibal! 197 00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,054 [ Murmuring, gavel bangs ] 198 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,322 [ Laughs ] 199 00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:12,524 -Troy? -Oh. 200 00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:13,725 Really good news. 201 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,193 I've been talking with my client, 202 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:18,363 and I think I got him to agree to take the deal, so... 203 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,131 You mean your client who testified 204 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,566 that he helped the homeless? 205 00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,202 He helps the homeless all right, right into the oven. 206 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,304 He's making a hobo chorizo. 207 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,672 Oh, my God. 208 00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:29,707 What if we do a thing where, uh, 209 00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:33,645 he splits time between here and heaven? 210 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,580 I'm just trying to save some face. 211 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,883 Your client liked to save face, too -- in his freezer. 212 00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,084 I will see you in court. 213 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,353 And I think that you will be very surprised 214 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:45,690 at how many tricks I have left up my sleeves. 215 00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,927 I think we're all out of moves here. 216 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,595 God help me. 217 00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,263 You're not a Goody Goody. 218 00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,666 You're a Baddy Baddy. 219 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,267 I gotta go take a whiz. 220 00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:57,769 Just make sure not to eat anybody 221 00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:00,705 on the way to the bathroom! 222 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,912 That was a joke. 223 00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:09,547 You couldn't get a napkin? 224 00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:11,249 Big N' Wide: All rise. 225 00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,052 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit down. 226 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,054 Where's my prosecutor? 227 00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,455 [ Door opens ] I'm here! 228 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,290 I'm here. 229 00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,558 [ Grunts ] 230 00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,694 Your Honor... 231 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,598 I would like to drop all charges against Goody Goody. 232 00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:27,966 What, he can't go to heaven -- he's a cannibal. 233 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,134 He has no business in heaven. I agree with Troy. 234 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:32,971 -I agree with you, Gary. -I'm agreeing with you. 235 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,240 -Shut up, Gary! Shut up! -Order. Order! 236 00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:37,875 [ Clears throat ] 237 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,645 All rise. 238 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,147 You, too, Troy. 239 00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,883 Come on. [ Laughs ] 240 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:46,985 There we go. 241 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,454 On the charge of eating meat on a Friday, 242 00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:51,322 we find the defendant... 243 00:09:51,357 --> 00:09:53,891 not guilty. 244 00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,961 But on the charge of eating people on a Thursday, 245 00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,063 yeah, he's definitely guilty. 246 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,264 Thank you. 247 00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:02,000 Look, I don't want to legislate from the bench, 248 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:05,737 but the Bible simply does not mention cannibalism as a sin. 249 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,171 What? 250 00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:09,507 But you're finding against the defendant? 251 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,644 Yes. We find the defendant guilty. 252 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,547 [ All gasping ] 253 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:26,457 [ Clears throat ] I'm sorry, I meant to say 254 00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:27,925 that we find the defendant not guilty. 255 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,427 -Not guilty. -Not guilty. 256 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,195 -Not guilty. -Not guilty. 257 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,531 My bad. 258 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,833 What just happened? 259 00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,201 My hands are tied here. 260 00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:40,104 I have to find the defendant not guilty. 261 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:43,541 Why did we even do this? 262 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,476 [ Chuckles ] I gotta tell you again, I'm sorry, 263 00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:47,178 I guess I misjudged you. 264 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,379 Yeah, you did. 265 00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:50,348 Literally misjudged him. 266 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,351 Gary, thank you for everything. 267 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,354 No hard feelings. 268 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,989 Good luck up there, big guy. 269 00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:00,458 Excuse me! I can't stop it! 270 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,226 -You got -- -Oh! 271 00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:04,462 [ Bell dings ] 272 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,364 Uh, is this Ignatius? 273 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,733 -Yep. -All right. 274 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,770 You're doomed. 19712

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