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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,276 --> 00:00:05,474 This just breaking now. 2 00:00:05,551 --> 00:00:07,746 President Trump's campaign manager Paul Manafort 3 00:00:07,823 --> 00:00:09,579 and his personal lawyer Michael Cohen 4 00:00:09,656 --> 00:00:11,600 are each guilty of eight criminal counts 5 00:00:11,677 --> 00:00:13,141 that will result in jail time. 6 00:00:13,218 --> 00:00:14,350 You know, I always thought 7 00:00:14,427 --> 00:00:16,412 this whole investigation was a nothing burger, 8 00:00:16,489 --> 00:00:18,829 but now it's starting to feel like a burger burger. 9 00:00:18,906 --> 00:00:20,995 Before this plane lands, we need a response 10 00:00:21,072 --> 00:00:23,662 that isn't you pretending you only speak Portuguese. 11 00:00:23,739 --> 00:00:25,292 You're being compared to Nixon, 12 00:00:25,369 --> 00:00:28,454 and not just because of your flop sweat and sexless marriage. 13 00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:29,857 Because of impeachment! 14 00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:32,559 Hello. You can't impeach a sitting president. 15 00:00:32,636 --> 00:00:34,122 You're thinking of "indict." 16 00:00:34,199 --> 00:00:35,542 Wrong. I'm thinking of cake. 17 00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:37,919 Just stick to the message that Cohen is a liar. 18 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,124 Why am I dragging myself into this? 19 00:00:40,201 --> 00:00:41,597 See ya at the hearings! 20 00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:43,980 Just get Giuliani, tell him to pump himself 21 00:00:44,057 --> 00:00:46,318 full of Mountain Dew, sew his mouth down the middle, 22 00:00:46,395 --> 00:00:48,151 and say two things at the same time. 23 00:00:48,228 --> 00:00:50,666 Sir, do you think it's a good idea to put Rudy on TV? 24 00:00:50,743 --> 00:00:52,329 Okay, Rudy's on TV, everybody. 25 00:00:52,406 --> 00:00:55,151 There is no law in the jungle, and that works okay. 26 00:00:55,228 --> 00:00:57,876 What, are you gonna throw all the elephants behind bars? 27 00:00:57,953 --> 00:00:59,556 Prisons are crowded enough as it is! 28 00:00:59,633 --> 00:01:02,794 Do you think Robert Mueller would give me immunity? 29 00:01:02,871 --> 00:01:04,333 And more breaking news. 30 00:01:04,410 --> 00:01:06,255 During Michael Cohen's guilty plea, 31 00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:08,929 he said he committed crimes at the behest of the President. 32 00:01:09,006 --> 00:01:11,239 Oy. Must be the turbulence 33 00:01:11,316 --> 00:01:12,926 and not the walls closing in on me. 34 00:01:13,003 --> 00:01:14,403 Sir, are you feeling all right? 35 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,430 Oh, yeah. Uh, hey, is this plane getting smaller? 36 00:01:17,517 --> 00:01:20,698 Because this fuselage feels like a drinking straw. 37 00:01:20,775 --> 00:01:24,229 I hate to say the obvious, but have we thought about a... 38 00:01:24,306 --> 00:01:26,393 War! Oh, my God! Of course! 39 00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:27,761 What are you thinking? Croatia? 40 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,500 Iceland? They got Muslims there, right? 41 00:01:29,577 --> 00:01:31,781 We'll find out when we dig through the rubble. 42 00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:34,792 That's my cue. I can't lie about what I don't know! 43 00:01:34,869 --> 00:01:37,226 Oh, God. I need legal advice. 44 00:01:37,303 --> 00:01:39,805 You know who's just the lawyer to help me out of this jam? 45 00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,085 Michael Cohen. Darn it! 46 00:01:42,162 --> 00:01:43,713 *OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT* Season 01 Episode 17 Episode Title: "Militarization" 47 00:01:43,790 --> 00:01:45,779 Melania! The fly is back! 48 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,587 Shut up, you big baby! 49 00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:50,329 Sync corrections by srjanapala 50 00:01:51,616 --> 00:01:54,469 America is full of everyday heroes... 51 00:01:54,546 --> 00:01:57,668 Policemen, firefighters, wounded veterans... 52 00:01:57,725 --> 00:02:01,388 And the oft-forgotten, but most important of all, 53 00:02:01,428 --> 00:02:04,932 our glistening '80s action movie stars! 54 00:02:04,939 --> 00:02:07,695 - Whoo! - The movie? Bloodsport. 55 00:02:07,772 --> 00:02:09,640 The year? 1988. 56 00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:13,482 Elite American super soldier Jean-Claude Van Damme 57 00:02:13,559 --> 00:02:16,234 is kicking the shit out of some Chinese guys and... 58 00:02:16,311 --> 00:02:19,460 Sir, there's been a train derailment outside Kansas City. 59 00:02:19,537 --> 00:02:22,234 Hello? I'm in the middle of something! 60 00:02:22,311 --> 00:02:28,531 Anyways, put your hands together for the stars of Bloodsport! 61 00:02:30,643 --> 00:02:35,172 I said, "Da-da-da-DAA! Bloodsport!" 62 00:02:36,643 --> 00:02:40,539 I ask you to reunite one simple kung-fu cast, and you don't. 63 00:02:40,616 --> 00:02:42,718 I ask you to make the Blue Angels skywrite 64 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:44,570 my security briefings, and you don't. 65 00:02:44,647 --> 00:02:46,045 If you would like to blame me, sir, 66 00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,788 I'm always looking for an excuse to self-flagellate. 67 00:02:48,865 --> 00:02:50,336 Sir, we would do what you say, 68 00:02:50,413 --> 00:02:52,882 but some of your quirkier ideas either don't make sense 69 00:02:52,959 --> 00:02:54,628 or violate the Geneva Conventions. 70 00:02:54,705 --> 00:02:57,663 Your job isn't to decide if what I say makes sense. 71 00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:59,427 Your job is to do what I say. 72 00:02:59,504 --> 00:03:00,968 If I say, "Jump," you say, 73 00:03:01,045 --> 00:03:02,688 "Here's the cast of Bloodsport." 74 00:03:02,944 --> 00:03:05,875 President Trump's Bloodsport fail 75 00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:07,351 has Americans wondering, 76 00:03:07,428 --> 00:03:10,903 "Will Trump's lack of control collapse his administration?" 77 00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:13,280 Okay? And on the day he leaves office, 78 00:03:13,357 --> 00:03:15,547 will I dissociate from reality 79 00:03:15,624 --> 00:03:17,617 or finally take that cooking class 80 00:03:17,694 --> 00:03:19,155 or a combination of the two 81 00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:20,976 that ends with a Sur La Table chef 82 00:03:21,053 --> 00:03:23,317 wrestling a meat cleaver from my hands? Watch this space. 83 00:03:23,394 --> 00:03:25,477 Melania! What? 84 00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:28,778 I was right in the middle of not spending time with you. 85 00:03:28,855 --> 00:03:31,398 Do you ever feel like you're not in control? 86 00:03:31,475 --> 00:03:34,337 The last time I felt in control was 1995 87 00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:36,440 when the stewardess on my flight to America 88 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:38,538 asked if I would like chicken or pasta. 89 00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:40,690 My father controlled everything I did... 90 00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:42,255 Which school I went to, 91 00:03:42,332 --> 00:03:44,773 which lead pipe I threatened the tenants with, 92 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,648 and I thought it was my time. 93 00:03:46,725 --> 00:03:48,462 You're totally in control. 94 00:03:48,539 --> 00:03:51,065 Then why does my staff ignore my reasonable instructions 95 00:03:51,142 --> 00:03:53,399 to let Mike Ditka crash in the Situation Room? 96 00:03:53,476 --> 00:03:54,765 I said you're in control! 97 00:03:54,842 --> 00:03:57,242 Now go to sleep, you big leathery baby! 98 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,492 But I'm not tired! 99 00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:02,242 So, I'm watching Bloodsport... 100 00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:04,014 Hannity's picture-in-picture, of course, 101 00:04:04,091 --> 00:04:05,614 so he can watch the movie, too... 102 00:04:05,691 --> 00:04:08,920 And I'm thinking, the sensei tells Jean-Claude Van Damme 103 00:04:08,997 --> 00:04:10,794 to do something, and he does it. 104 00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:12,474 If you guys did that for me, 105 00:04:12,551 --> 00:04:14,567 I'd promote all of you to Vice President. 106 00:04:14,644 --> 00:04:16,865 I could use the help appearing at funerals 107 00:04:16,942 --> 00:04:18,820 the deceased barred you from attending. 108 00:04:18,897 --> 00:04:21,645 If you want to get your administration under control, 109 00:04:21,722 --> 00:04:24,005 you got to supercharge that military. 110 00:04:24,082 --> 00:04:25,474 - Oh, my God. - Broken record. 111 00:04:25,551 --> 00:04:27,541 - Oh, Lordy. - Hey, Rambo grew a mustache. 112 00:04:27,618 --> 00:04:28,883 John, you're a nut. 113 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,348 Like I'm gonna turn my government 114 00:04:30,425 --> 00:04:32,218 into some kind of military regime. 115 00:04:32,295 --> 00:04:34,882 Hey, multiple generals, get a load of this guy! 116 00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:35,994 I'm serious! 117 00:04:36,071 --> 00:04:38,411 Taxpayers pay for black helicopters, 118 00:04:38,488 --> 00:04:40,973 and they deserve to see them menacing their homes. 119 00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:42,679 Big talk coming from someone 120 00:04:42,756 --> 00:04:44,245 who's never been in a war. 121 00:04:44,322 --> 00:04:46,348 How am I supposed to enjoy watching a war 122 00:04:46,425 --> 00:04:47,739 if I'm busy being in it? 123 00:04:47,816 --> 00:04:50,226 I've thought about this idea for 12 seconds, 124 00:04:50,303 --> 00:04:51,835 and I've decided it's a no-go 125 00:04:51,912 --> 00:04:54,006 that's taking up my precious mental energy. 126 00:04:54,083 --> 00:04:56,573 Now if you'll excuse me, I got to play out a feud 127 00:04:56,650 --> 00:04:58,520 with Mandy Patinkin in my head. 128 00:04:58,597 --> 00:05:00,919 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 129 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:03,370 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 130 00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:06,485 And the ICE agent detained the entire quinceañera 131 00:05:06,562 --> 00:05:08,595 before the first slice of cake was cut. 132 00:05:08,672 --> 00:05:10,587 I wish I had a bus that big! 133 00:05:10,664 --> 00:05:12,383 That's Fox & Friends for this morning. 134 00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:14,227 Join us tomorrow when we meet a man 135 00:05:14,304 --> 00:05:16,432 who paints the American flag on people's houses 136 00:05:16,509 --> 00:05:17,808 whether they like it or not. 137 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,542 - And we're out. - You won't believe 138 00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:20,805 what happened to me last night. 139 00:05:20,882 --> 00:05:23,702 You gave your housekeeper the night off for her birthday? 140 00:05:23,779 --> 00:05:26,667 I was in the Lower East Side getting a late-night cup of joe 141 00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:27,790 so I could avoid sleep 142 00:05:27,867 --> 00:05:29,432 and the torturous dreams that come with it. 143 00:05:29,509 --> 00:05:30,485 I hear that! 144 00:05:30,562 --> 00:05:33,292 But this SJW barista wouldn't serve me, 145 00:05:33,369 --> 00:05:36,154 even though they'd only been closed for 45 minutes! 146 00:05:36,231 --> 00:05:38,759 I yelled at her so hard, you'd have thought she was 147 00:05:38,836 --> 00:05:40,389 a lesbian couple not pulling out 148 00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:42,030 of a parking space quick enough. 149 00:05:42,107 --> 00:05:44,235 And you know something? It felt great! 150 00:05:44,312 --> 00:05:47,276 It's too bad we never get to have violent tirades on air. 151 00:05:47,353 --> 00:05:48,711 I want to show my range... 152 00:05:48,788 --> 00:05:51,876 Everything from joyful sadism to angry sadism. 153 00:05:51,953 --> 00:05:53,923 I don't even know how to scream anymore. 154 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,214 Aa-u-uh! Is that the scream? 155 00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,577 Sir, it's time we discuss the logistics 156 00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:00,953 of your military parade. 157 00:06:01,030 --> 00:06:02,409 By "military," I meant 158 00:06:02,486 --> 00:06:04,798 the usual streamers and sassy outfits, 159 00:06:04,875 --> 00:06:07,120 just with more people tearfully saluting me. 160 00:06:07,197 --> 00:06:09,046 We've prepared a half-dozen flyovers, 161 00:06:09,123 --> 00:06:12,078 a couple of military reunions, all heterosexual, of course, 162 00:06:12,155 --> 00:06:14,680 and a float in honor of Lee Greenwood's discography. 163 00:06:14,757 --> 00:06:16,848 Wow! Is there anything left in the budget? 164 00:06:16,925 --> 00:06:18,360 $30 million. Jesus! 165 00:06:18,437 --> 00:06:21,032 That's more than I'm wor... A percentage of what I'm worth. 166 00:06:21,109 --> 00:06:22,989 It would be quite the gesture 167 00:06:23,113 --> 00:06:25,071 to donate the rest to the VA. 168 00:06:25,148 --> 00:06:27,196 Don't be cute. Let's flood Dupont Circle 169 00:06:27,273 --> 00:06:29,015 and get some submarines in there. 170 00:06:29,092 --> 00:06:30,626 Sir, to combat protesters, 171 00:06:30,703 --> 00:06:32,428 we've lined the streets with mace cannons, 172 00:06:32,505 --> 00:06:35,504 which we will demonstrate now with a masochistic volunteer. 173 00:06:35,581 --> 00:06:39,543 I, an SJW, find violent regime change triggering! 174 00:06:43,143 --> 00:06:45,347 I am finally alive! 175 00:06:47,182 --> 00:06:48,255 ♪ Hannity! ♪ 176 00:06:48,332 --> 00:06:50,309 President Trump, if you're watching... 177 00:06:50,386 --> 00:06:52,189 And the fizzy sensation in my nipples 178 00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:54,508 tells me you are... I have great news. 179 00:06:54,585 --> 00:06:57,618 The cast of Bloodsport is hog-tied in my trunk, 180 00:06:57,695 --> 00:07:00,186 ready to lead your military parade! 181 00:07:00,263 --> 00:07:04,657 I am fed, diapered, and eager to zigzag 120 miles an hour 182 00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,940 down the turnpike straight to the White House! 183 00:07:07,017 --> 00:07:08,785 - Thanks, Sean! - For the remaining 184 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,063 55 minutes of the broadcast, 185 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:15,027 here's beautiful, hypnotic footage of obedient marching. 186 00:07:15,629 --> 00:07:19,370 Wow. Despite being 50% blueberry pie filling, 187 00:07:19,447 --> 00:07:23,785 my boy Kim Jong-un knows how to bend humans to his will. 188 00:07:25,062 --> 00:07:26,868 Come on! Almost! Come on! 189 00:07:26,945 --> 00:07:28,250 Bolton, what are you doing? 190 00:07:28,327 --> 00:07:29,665 Oh, hey, Mr. President. 191 00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:32,540 Just trying to jimmy open the ol' nuclear football. 192 00:07:32,617 --> 00:07:34,692 You might have a point about this military thing. 193 00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:35,936 I get to be on the last float 194 00:07:36,013 --> 00:07:37,587 of the army parade dressed as Santa. 195 00:07:37,664 --> 00:07:39,957 Making America a military wonderland 196 00:07:40,034 --> 00:07:41,768 would be a beautiful thing. 197 00:07:41,845 --> 00:07:43,362 Did you know that some toll booths 198 00:07:43,439 --> 00:07:45,871 aren't even armed with machine-gun turrets yet? 199 00:07:46,041 --> 00:07:50,384 John, let's make America one big military parade in my honor. 200 00:07:50,461 --> 00:07:52,697 Do we have a chief commander who can run this whole thing? 201 00:07:52,774 --> 00:07:54,594 We have a Commander-in-Chief. 202 00:07:54,671 --> 00:07:57,339 I have a picture of him right here. 203 00:07:57,418 --> 00:07:59,930 I'm Commander-in Chief? 204 00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:01,887 Of course, ya big goof! 205 00:08:01,964 --> 00:08:03,346 You run the military! 206 00:08:03,423 --> 00:08:06,074 Whatever you tell them to do, they do it. 207 00:08:07,811 --> 00:08:10,752 ♪ Wanna rule your nation? ♪ 208 00:08:10,944 --> 00:08:13,760 ♪ Militarization ♪ 209 00:08:13,905 --> 00:08:15,633 ♪ Puts you in control ♪ 210 00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:19,910 ♪ You could end the Mueller investigation ♪ 211 00:08:19,988 --> 00:08:22,922 ♪ No more legislation ♪ 212 00:08:22,999 --> 00:08:25,504 ♪ No more immigration ♪ 213 00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,486 ♪ If you don't like the press ♪ 214 00:08:27,563 --> 00:08:32,152 ♪ Make violent arrests at the TV stations ♪ 215 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,309 ♪ Move the Capitol to Mar-a-Lago ♪ 216 00:08:35,386 --> 00:08:37,270 ♪ And make princes of your sons ♪ 217 00:08:37,347 --> 00:08:38,563 Hell yeah! 218 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,485 ♪ Have some tanks patrol Chicago ♪ 219 00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:45,150 ♪ Arm your meter maids with machine guns ♪ 220 00:08:45,850 --> 00:08:48,327 Well, you shouldn't have parked there! 221 00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:51,075 ♪ Bomb a sovereign nation ♪ 222 00:08:51,165 --> 00:08:54,106 ♪ Skip the explanation ♪ 223 00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:58,653 ♪ Rule until you're dead and never leave your bed ♪ 224 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:02,735 ♪ With militarization ♪ 225 00:09:06,026 --> 00:09:07,782 All right. Sounds good. 226 00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:13,541 We've already injected the military 227 00:09:13,618 --> 00:09:15,605 into everyday American life... 228 00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:17,981 Camouflaged school resource officers, 229 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,731 camouflaged traffic police, TSA agents in camo. 230 00:09:21,808 --> 00:09:23,479 But we can do more 231 00:09:23,556 --> 00:09:26,982 and urge Congress to pass the Military Expansion Act, 232 00:09:27,059 --> 00:09:29,416 which would arm health inspectors with hand grenades, 233 00:09:29,493 --> 00:09:31,012 teach toddlers in swim classes 234 00:09:31,089 --> 00:09:33,401 how to silently rise from the water with a knife 235 00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:35,502 between their teeth, and so on. 236 00:09:35,579 --> 00:09:37,675 And the best part is all orders 237 00:09:37,752 --> 00:09:40,333 will efficiently come from the President, me! 238 00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:41,407 Whoo! 239 00:09:41,484 --> 00:09:43,547 I don't know this guy, but I love him! 240 00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:47,479 With all due respect, get bent, you jingoist war-cow! 241 00:09:47,556 --> 00:09:50,813 I've never served my country, and I'm not about to start. 242 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:53,833 Hey, hey, hey, I get that some of you might be nervous 243 00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:56,208 about irrevocably altering our government. 244 00:09:56,285 --> 00:10:00,941 But let me reassure you, dissenters will be executed. 245 00:10:01,847 --> 00:10:02,972 Whoo? 246 00:10:04,566 --> 00:10:06,327 Sean, our full-scale military coup 247 00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:08,487 is bound to have hippy-dippy dissenters, 248 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,549 so I need media reinforcement. 249 00:10:10,626 --> 00:10:11,761 Say no more. 250 00:10:11,838 --> 00:10:13,541 When one of your newly armed teachers 251 00:10:13,618 --> 00:10:15,416 accidentally shoots a class bird, 252 00:10:15,493 --> 00:10:19,151 I will do 90 minutes on the Clinton Foundation's love affair 253 00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:20,962 - with al-Baghdadi. - Perfect. 254 00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:24,040 Now, those Fox & Friends guys, I love 'em to death, 255 00:10:24,117 --> 00:10:26,495 but they're not exactly state-run TV. 256 00:10:26,572 --> 00:10:28,158 I need you to froth 'em up for me, buddy. 257 00:10:28,235 --> 00:10:31,438 When I am done with them, they'll be spewing fire 258 00:10:31,515 --> 00:10:33,708 and the occasional national weather report. 259 00:10:33,785 --> 00:10:36,206 Oh, yeah, gotta have the weather report. 260 00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:39,354 As requested for your military parade, 261 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:41,174 we're giving the Washington Mall 262 00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:42,752 a much-needed makeover. 263 00:10:42,829 --> 00:10:44,197 Behold! 264 00:10:44,366 --> 00:10:46,719 Oh, what I wouldn't give to nest in that nostril. 265 00:10:46,796 --> 00:10:48,667 Does PEZ come out of the mouth? 266 00:10:48,744 --> 00:10:50,838 Shut up, Eric! Does PEZ come out of it, Dad? 267 00:10:50,915 --> 00:10:52,925 If it doesn't, someone screwed up. 268 00:10:53,002 --> 00:10:55,198 And why didn't we replace the Lincoln Memorial 269 00:10:55,275 --> 00:10:56,855 with a bronze of me in a hammock? 270 00:10:56,932 --> 00:10:59,598 For some reason, Congressional Democrats blocked it, sir. 271 00:10:59,675 --> 00:11:02,846 You try and try to be a good dictator, 272 00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,166 and some people make it so difficult. 273 00:11:05,243 --> 00:11:07,549 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 274 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,790 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 275 00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:12,507 Good morning! It's Fox & Friends! 276 00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:14,174 How is your morning, Girl Brian? 277 00:11:14,251 --> 00:11:16,022 I found a puppy tied outside a diner 278 00:11:16,099 --> 00:11:17,311 and claimed it as my own! 279 00:11:17,388 --> 00:11:19,262 And you didn't even have to buy a soup! 280 00:11:19,339 --> 00:11:20,443 What a deal! 281 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,408 Okay, that wasn't Fox & Friends. 282 00:11:22,485 --> 00:11:24,728 That was Fox and Fry My Eyeballs. 283 00:11:24,805 --> 00:11:28,380 From now on, this show's gonna be loud, proud, and LOUD! 284 00:11:28,457 --> 00:11:30,958 You're in luck, because tomorrow we've got a performance 285 00:11:31,035 --> 00:11:33,137 from the Liberty University Straight Men's Chorus. 286 00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:35,171 Is your brain made of fish-tank pebbles, Steve? 287 00:11:35,248 --> 00:11:38,041 I want you so fired up, your viewers' dogs bark 288 00:11:38,118 --> 00:11:39,662 until they pass out! 289 00:11:39,739 --> 00:11:42,325 - So no more puffy language? - No more smiling? 290 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,965 Your dimples are fired. 291 00:11:44,042 --> 00:11:47,526 Your script will be all caps and will be read that way. 292 00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:49,005 - Finally! - Fin-al-ly! 293 00:11:49,082 --> 00:11:50,732 Finally! Little lag there. 294 00:11:50,809 --> 00:11:53,144 Time to take my brain to the Geek Squad. 295 00:11:53,221 --> 00:11:55,542 Don't worry about Democratic resistance, 296 00:11:55,619 --> 00:11:57,660 Mr. President. They've never heard of 297 00:11:57,737 --> 00:11:59,020 the burrito strategy. 298 00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:00,416 What's the burrito strategy? 299 00:12:00,493 --> 00:12:02,782 I eat a burrito and then I eat another burrito? 300 00:12:02,859 --> 00:12:05,699 Whenever Congress believes our nation is under attack, 301 00:12:05,776 --> 00:12:07,630 they cede power to the White House. 302 00:12:07,707 --> 00:12:09,838 Gulf of Tonkin, USS Maine. 303 00:12:09,915 --> 00:12:13,409 We start this burrito fire and let the revolution begin! 304 00:12:13,486 --> 00:12:15,535 Do I get to eat the burrito afterward? 305 00:12:15,612 --> 00:12:18,754 - It'll be a pile of black ash. - Answer the question. 306 00:12:18,831 --> 00:12:20,534 Okay, repeat after me. 307 00:12:20,611 --> 00:12:24,244 "I'm glad that immigrant doctor was dragged off that bus!" 308 00:12:24,321 --> 00:12:25,896 I'm glad that immigrant doctor 309 00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:27,416 was dragged off that bus! 310 00:12:27,493 --> 00:12:28,645 Ooh! Dr. Bus! 311 00:12:28,722 --> 00:12:31,129 Jesus, you're all softer than a kitty cat 312 00:12:31,206 --> 00:12:33,364 choking on a dryer sheet... So cute! 313 00:12:33,441 --> 00:12:35,724 We're trying, Sean, but outwardly expressing 314 00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:38,089 our internalized anger is so new to us. 315 00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:39,712 Our rage is candy-coated. 316 00:12:39,789 --> 00:12:41,748 Our show is like a fun airline. 317 00:12:41,825 --> 00:12:43,471 Our viewers are the passengers, 318 00:12:43,548 --> 00:12:46,213 and I'm the stewardess rapping about seat belts. 319 00:12:46,290 --> 00:12:49,178 Then let's do it "method." Stanislavski! 320 00:12:49,255 --> 00:12:52,504 Doocy, you think of that barista refusing you caffeine. 321 00:12:52,581 --> 00:12:54,442 Ainsley, think of your employers 322 00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:56,466 accidentally calling you "Greta." 323 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,370 Brian, think about thinking. 324 00:12:58,447 --> 00:13:00,100 Now try it again! 325 00:13:00,314 --> 00:13:02,050 I'm glad that immigrant doctor was dragged off that bus! 326 00:13:02,127 --> 00:13:04,971 RUN THAT ILLEGAL OVER WITH THE BUS! 327 00:13:05,048 --> 00:13:07,855 Like music to my big, fat ears. 328 00:13:07,932 --> 00:13:09,771 Today's burrito fire 329 00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:12,082 is America's darkest hour, 330 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,210 a crime against humanity 331 00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:18,337 surely committed by a combination of ISIS, MS-13, 332 00:13:18,414 --> 00:13:21,235 and El Yummo Rico's Frozen Chimichangas. 333 00:13:21,312 --> 00:13:23,243 To respond swiftly and completely, 334 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,498 we must fold all three government branches 335 00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:29,035 into one big Trump galactic military empire branch. 336 00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:31,219 Eat my ass! 337 00:13:31,296 --> 00:13:34,704 Democracy prevails! The blue wave is coming! 338 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:38,650 In no less than six years, that Oval Office is ours. 339 00:13:38,727 --> 00:13:41,071 Oh, ho! Hit 'em with it, Trumpy! 340 00:13:41,148 --> 00:13:43,141 I am so sorry. 341 00:13:43,218 --> 00:13:47,071 I completely forgot you guys don't support the troops. 342 00:13:47,148 --> 00:13:49,213 Oh, no. The troops? Of course we do. 343 00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:50,618 Son of a bitch. 344 00:13:50,695 --> 00:13:53,081 I support the troops! I-I swear to God! 345 00:13:53,158 --> 00:13:54,910 I'll vote for anything! 346 00:13:55,478 --> 00:13:58,049 Oh, you do support the troops. 347 00:13:58,126 --> 00:13:59,520 Yay! 348 00:13:59,610 --> 00:14:02,063 ♪ THREE WHITE PEOPLE ON A COUCH ♪ 349 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:05,040 ♪ IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ♪ 350 00:14:05,117 --> 00:14:08,863 And after that 15-minute moment of rage-fueled silence 351 00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:11,707 to honor our glorious flag, let's kick off 352 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,636 Donald Trump's military parade! 353 00:14:13,713 --> 00:14:16,836 Rise and salute or be buried alive! 354 00:14:19,077 --> 00:14:21,664 Now please put your hands together 355 00:14:21,741 --> 00:14:24,998 for the War Mongers Who Never Served float! 356 00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:26,906 - Is that a Smurf?! - No! 357 00:14:26,983 --> 00:14:30,040 It's a balloon featuring Internment Camp Blueprints. 358 00:14:30,117 --> 00:14:32,508 Don't forget, folks... Tonight at sunset, 359 00:14:32,585 --> 00:14:35,704 it's the Flashback-Inducing Fireworks Display! 360 00:14:35,781 --> 00:14:39,004 And here comes our brave, noble, fashion-forward 361 00:14:39,081 --> 00:14:42,994 Commander-in-Chief himself, Donald J. Trump! 362 00:14:45,409 --> 00:14:47,621 Everyone's finally listening to me, 363 00:14:47,698 --> 00:14:50,350 and not just because they have a tank pointed at their heads. 364 00:14:50,427 --> 00:14:53,455 Now, who wants to fire a cannon and see what happens?! 365 00:14:58,249 --> 00:15:01,768 Holy shit! We blew up the Library of Congress! 366 00:15:03,266 --> 00:15:07,430 I am just so happy that America is on the path to peace, 367 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:10,252 the peace that comes with death. 368 00:15:10,467 --> 00:15:13,821 Very soon we will march our armies across the globe 369 00:15:13,898 --> 00:15:15,523 for a new cold war. 370 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,416 Trench foot's back, baby, and it's smellier than ever! 371 00:15:23,111 --> 00:15:25,038 That was the best day of my life 372 00:15:25,115 --> 00:15:26,970 since I paid off that drone pilot 373 00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:29,616 to vaporize my neighbor's gaudy deck umbrella. 374 00:15:29,693 --> 00:15:31,632 Hey, John, all that war stuff? 375 00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:34,401 It was just some harmless violent mob stoking, right? 376 00:15:34,686 --> 00:15:36,318 Nope! The plan's always been 377 00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:38,924 to fit every single American with a uniform 378 00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:41,570 then invade the planet. Oh. Okay. 379 00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:44,450 I kinda thought this was to get my staff to listen to me. 380 00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:47,251 We did listen to you, and that's why high schools 381 00:15:47,328 --> 00:15:49,588 now only offer one foreign-language class... 382 00:15:49,665 --> 00:15:50,692 Wind-talking. 383 00:15:50,769 --> 00:15:52,013 But isn't war muddy? 384 00:15:52,090 --> 00:15:54,396 I mean, everyone's trying to save Matt Damon, 385 00:15:54,473 --> 00:15:56,135 but they get the wrong Matt Damon, 386 00:15:56,212 --> 00:15:58,239 then you run out of popcorn in the middle of the war, 387 00:15:58,316 --> 00:15:59,507 and you have to go get more, 388 00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:02,328 but they stopped making popcorn at 10:45 p.m. 389 00:16:02,405 --> 00:16:04,346 Basically, isn't war hell? 390 00:16:04,423 --> 00:16:06,318 - War. - War! 391 00:16:06,395 --> 00:16:08,057 - War! - War! 392 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,718 - War! - War! 393 00:16:09,795 --> 00:16:11,115 - War! - War! 394 00:16:11,192 --> 00:16:12,523 - War! - War! 395 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,147 - War! - War! 396 00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,413 War! 397 00:16:15,490 --> 00:16:16,844 GREAT SHOW! 398 00:16:16,921 --> 00:16:18,745 BRIAN KILMEADE! 399 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,960 Hey, guys, is anyone feeling a little on edge? 400 00:16:24,037 --> 00:16:25,862 Yeah. To get out all my anger, 401 00:16:25,939 --> 00:16:28,171 I had to join a backyard wrestling league. 402 00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,781 I chased down Ainsley's new dog and ate it. 403 00:16:30,858 --> 00:16:32,516 So that's how he died. 404 00:16:32,593 --> 00:16:34,039 Yes, I ate the dog. 405 00:16:34,116 --> 00:16:35,839 I thought I would like being angry, 406 00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,843 but it's turning me into a real wackadoodle. 407 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,320 I miss calling Kirsten Gillibrand a Muslim 408 00:16:40,397 --> 00:16:43,138 with a smile so big, my veneers fuse. 409 00:16:44,613 --> 00:16:47,313 We all agree we should bomb the Middle East, 410 00:16:47,390 --> 00:16:48,809 but did you know there's a place 411 00:16:48,886 --> 00:16:51,611 with even more resources and villagers? 412 00:16:51,688 --> 00:16:54,744 China! It's time they answer for our debts. 413 00:16:54,821 --> 00:16:56,733 What the hell are you suggesting? 414 00:16:56,810 --> 00:16:58,580 Asian Invasion, baby! 415 00:16:58,657 --> 00:17:00,731 It makes sense, and it rhymes, 416 00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,809 so you know we're gonna sell a ton of merch. 417 00:17:02,886 --> 00:17:05,627 China? I-Isn't that where Bloodsport was filmed? 418 00:17:05,704 --> 00:17:07,603 Hey, Donald, why don't you wait outside 419 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,324 until we finish planning this war? 420 00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,983 Then we'll invite you back in when the pens come out. 421 00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:13,114 I wanna stay! 422 00:17:13,191 --> 00:17:15,252 And I want to invade China. 423 00:17:15,329 --> 00:17:18,245 We can't all have what we want, except for me. 424 00:17:18,322 --> 00:17:21,379 And although his hot tub might be full of algae, 425 00:17:21,456 --> 00:17:22,979 that old man found solace 426 00:17:23,056 --> 00:17:25,064 knowing his pool boy was deported. 427 00:17:25,141 --> 00:17:28,369 When we come back, your son looks completely normal. 428 00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:29,385 Is he on drugs? 429 00:17:29,462 --> 00:17:30,814 And the Liberty University 430 00:17:30,891 --> 00:17:33,533 Straight Men's Choir sings a requiem to my dog. 431 00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:34,976 - I ate the dog. - Clear! 432 00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:36,598 - What the hell was that?! - Ainsley, 433 00:17:36,675 --> 00:17:38,892 you barely talked above 60 decibels! 434 00:17:38,969 --> 00:17:41,450 And, Doocy, when you said, "Michael Avenatti 435 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,947 is holding Desmond Tutu hostage," 436 00:17:43,024 --> 00:17:45,111 your face didn't even turn gray! 437 00:17:45,188 --> 00:17:47,601 Sean, we decided we have to do us, 438 00:17:47,678 --> 00:17:50,283 which is you but with less-dilated pupils. 439 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:54,039 I berated demeaning instructions at you for hours, 440 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,791 and this is how you repay me?! 441 00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:57,853 Are you gonna shatter that camera lens 442 00:17:57,930 --> 00:17:59,781 with conspiracy-fueled screaming, 443 00:17:59,858 --> 00:18:01,978 or should I find three other stooges 444 00:18:02,055 --> 00:18:04,630 to be the President's daytime mouthpiece?! 445 00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:07,510 I have my answer. 446 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,423 Good luck to you all. 447 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,088 Aw! Good luck! 448 00:18:12,209 --> 00:18:15,315 All I wanted was a little more control in my life, 449 00:18:15,392 --> 00:18:17,010 and what I got was a World War 450 00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:18,890 with the people who make my ties. 451 00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:20,855 My poor little ties. 452 00:18:20,932 --> 00:18:24,031 You thought the nation was just gonna lift a bunch of weights 453 00:18:24,108 --> 00:18:27,040 and not want to punch a sleeping homeless person on the subway? 454 00:18:27,117 --> 00:18:29,847 Tell you what, we wipe China off the map, 455 00:18:29,924 --> 00:18:31,808 and afterwards, if you don't like it, 456 00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:33,198 we'll never do it again. 457 00:18:33,275 --> 00:18:35,913 I said no! And you have to listen to me! 458 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:38,023 I'm the Commander-in-Chief. 459 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,425 No. I'm the Commander-in-Chief. 460 00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:42,465 Look. Huh! Nice try, John. 461 00:18:42,542 --> 00:18:45,135 I've looked at every reflective surface I've ever passed, 462 00:18:45,212 --> 00:18:46,531 so I know that's a mirror. 463 00:18:46,608 --> 00:18:48,902 The wheels of war are turning, 464 00:18:48,979 --> 00:18:51,657 and if you want to stop them, it's going to take work. 465 00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,683 Is that what you want? Work? 466 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,639 No. I guess not. 467 00:19:00,935 --> 00:19:03,291 Sir, I got a new stack of war declarations 468 00:19:03,368 --> 00:19:04,907 for you to consider. This one would 469 00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:07,733 flatten Germany, justified by their previous track record. 470 00:19:07,810 --> 00:19:09,546 And this one's to napalm Mt. Everest 471 00:19:09,623 --> 00:19:11,600 and make the unrecognized state of Tibet 472 00:19:11,677 --> 00:19:12,966 even more unrecognizable. 473 00:19:13,043 --> 00:19:14,749 Why can't we just do a civil war? 474 00:19:14,826 --> 00:19:15,999 Everyone's already armed, 475 00:19:16,076 --> 00:19:18,085 people could still have dinner with their families. 476 00:19:18,162 --> 00:19:20,549 Ugh, Sarah, can you get me some KFC? 477 00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:23,441 Unfortunately, they've become a weapons manufacturer... 478 00:19:23,518 --> 00:19:25,551 "Kentucky Fieldwork Cluster-munitions." 479 00:19:25,628 --> 00:19:26,933 If it's any consolation, 480 00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:29,096 they still have the same code to use their bathroom. 481 00:19:29,173 --> 00:19:30,884 You don't need those guys! You don't need 'em! 482 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,330 You're Stevie Nicks, baby. 483 00:19:32,407 --> 00:19:35,314 You can do it all with the power of Hannity and Friends. 484 00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:37,157 In three, two, one. 485 00:19:37,234 --> 00:19:39,017 Three white people on a couch. 486 00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:40,533 It's Fox & Friends. 487 00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,822 Welcome back to Fox & Friends. 488 00:19:42,899 --> 00:19:44,449 That's right! It's Hannity! 489 00:19:44,526 --> 00:19:46,931 And filling in for those bloodless traitors 490 00:19:47,008 --> 00:19:49,491 are my spiritually conjoined twins, 491 00:19:49,568 --> 00:19:52,157 Sebastian Gorka and Alex Jones. 492 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:55,323 Good dawn, Sean! It is I, Gorka! 493 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,385 Sunlight is poison, okay?! 494 00:19:57,462 --> 00:20:00,924 And my Alpha Power pills are the only cure! 495 00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:03,250 Temperate weather today in the Northeast, 496 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,511 all but confirming that "Climate Change" 497 00:20:05,588 --> 00:20:08,963 is a liberal myth perpetuated by Janeane Garofalo! 498 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,618 I'll go one further, Sean, 499 00:20:10,695 --> 00:20:13,118 and say mild weather is the beginning 500 00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:16,699 of the long-prophesied solar flare of Attila 501 00:20:16,776 --> 00:20:20,546 that will darken and cool the Earth for a thousand annus! 502 00:20:20,623 --> 00:20:24,249 Seasons are a simulation, the equator is flat, 503 00:20:24,326 --> 00:20:26,835 and the Earth is a spinning disk 504 00:20:26,912 --> 00:20:29,767 that will soon be engulfed by interdimensional warlocks! 505 00:20:29,844 --> 00:20:33,111 We have confirmation from reddit's manga page! 506 00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:34,752 Whew! Pace yourself, guys. 507 00:20:34,829 --> 00:20:36,321 We got three hours. Come on. 508 00:20:36,398 --> 00:20:39,011 Coming up, our ethno-crepes cooking segment 509 00:20:39,088 --> 00:20:43,713 hosted by Stephen Miller and a shackled Bobby Flay. 510 00:20:45,633 --> 00:20:47,525 ♪ IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ♪ 511 00:20:47,602 --> 00:20:48,862 I thought militarizing 512 00:20:48,939 --> 00:20:50,475 the government would give me control. 513 00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:51,853 No, no, keep talking. 514 00:20:51,930 --> 00:20:54,392 The expired meatball is just doing his thing. 515 00:20:54,469 --> 00:20:57,048 But now Bolton is deciding everything for me... 516 00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,432 What I wear, what I eat, 517 00:20:58,509 --> 00:21:01,603 what stretch of Estonian tundra I use for a black site. 518 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,736 Why don't you figure this out literally anywhere else? 519 00:21:04,813 --> 00:21:08,221 You're right, Melania. I'm gonna go for a drive. 520 00:21:13,154 --> 00:21:14,603 Asshole! 521 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,868 ♪ Feeling suffocation ♪ 522 00:21:17,945 --> 00:21:21,999 ♪ About militarization ♪ 523 00:21:22,339 --> 00:21:24,379 ♪ Tearing up the Mall ♪ 524 00:21:24,456 --> 00:21:30,048 ♪ Should I reinstall democratization? ♪ 525 00:21:33,361 --> 00:21:36,715 A tank rolls through a Hardee's and then the National Mall? 526 00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:38,435 I thought I'd find you here. 527 00:21:38,512 --> 00:21:40,752 Kelly, why do we have to blow up China? 528 00:21:40,829 --> 00:21:44,268 Can't I just threaten to blow up China on Twitter like I used to? 529 00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:46,664 Have you told Bolton how you feel about this? 530 00:21:46,741 --> 00:21:47,918 He has ears, you know. 531 00:21:47,995 --> 00:21:49,122 He doesn't listen! 532 00:21:49,199 --> 00:21:51,288 He's always yapping... "Bomb Iran" 533 00:21:51,365 --> 00:21:53,252 and "Too late; I bombed Iran." 534 00:21:53,329 --> 00:21:56,477 Mr. President, you can have all the bombs in the world... 535 00:21:56,554 --> 00:21:58,697 And we pretty much have for the last hundred years... 536 00:21:58,774 --> 00:22:00,909 But that doesn't make you in control. 537 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,573 What do you know about the military? 538 00:22:02,650 --> 00:22:04,231 I was in the military. 539 00:22:04,308 --> 00:22:05,699 What? You never mentioned that. 540 00:22:05,776 --> 00:22:07,268 I absolutely have. 541 00:22:07,345 --> 00:22:10,315 And despite how it appears, we have even less control than you. 542 00:22:10,392 --> 00:22:12,545 You know how many times I've tried to drone a hospital 543 00:22:12,622 --> 00:22:14,530 and ended up droning the wrong hospital? 544 00:22:14,607 --> 00:22:16,455 Right. I mean, I like guns, 545 00:22:16,532 --> 00:22:18,392 and I like when things come out of guns. 546 00:22:18,469 --> 00:22:21,371 But when it hits the guy? I don't know. It's scary. 547 00:22:21,448 --> 00:22:23,470 Great point, Mr. President. 548 00:22:23,547 --> 00:22:26,712 The only way to truly feel in control 549 00:22:26,789 --> 00:22:29,294 is to control yourself. 550 00:22:29,539 --> 00:22:32,066 Kelly, I'm not sure if you still work for me, 551 00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:33,934 but if you do, I'm glad. 552 00:22:34,011 --> 00:22:35,197 Hannity, you're on in five. 553 00:22:35,274 --> 00:22:38,139 Sean, I suggest we skip the weather segment 554 00:22:38,216 --> 00:22:41,354 and cut straight to my musings on jihad! 555 00:22:41,431 --> 00:22:43,122 What the hell are you doing, Sean? 556 00:22:43,199 --> 00:22:45,791 Aw, Sean, turn that frown inside out 557 00:22:45,868 --> 00:22:47,816 and make your gums your lips. 558 00:22:47,893 --> 00:22:49,176 What are you doing here? 559 00:22:49,253 --> 00:22:51,411 We watched the show over white jazz brunch. 560 00:22:51,488 --> 00:22:52,979 We could tell that by minute 30 561 00:22:53,056 --> 00:22:55,338 you were in the midst of a psychological breakdown. 562 00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:58,038 My schtick just doesn't work at 6:00 a.m. 563 00:22:58,115 --> 00:23:00,382 People need an entire miserable day 564 00:23:00,459 --> 00:23:02,060 to build up to my rage. 565 00:23:02,137 --> 00:23:03,984 Sean, we owe you an apology. 566 00:23:04,061 --> 00:23:06,221 When you encouraged us to surrender our brains 567 00:23:06,298 --> 00:23:07,788 to the will of an erratic leader, 568 00:23:07,865 --> 00:23:09,602 we thought, "What could go wrong?" 569 00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:12,154 The answer was our emotional well-being and nothing else. 570 00:23:12,231 --> 00:23:14,507 You know, we're two sides of the same nickel. 571 00:23:14,584 --> 00:23:16,513 Your side is just a little more polished, 572 00:23:16,590 --> 00:23:19,602 and my side has Thomas Jefferson and everything he represents. 573 00:23:19,679 --> 00:23:21,622 Why don't we go back to doing what we do best? 574 00:23:21,699 --> 00:23:22,907 Journalism! 575 00:23:24,250 --> 00:23:27,400 Just read exactly what the prompter says, 576 00:23:27,477 --> 00:23:30,620 and you'll finally be in control. 577 00:23:32,523 --> 00:23:33,842 And now, a message 578 00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:35,907 from the President of the United States. 579 00:23:35,984 --> 00:23:39,228 My fellow Americans, I declare... 580 00:23:39,339 --> 00:23:40,985 I declare... 581 00:23:41,062 --> 00:23:43,109 I... I... 582 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,027 I can't do this. 583 00:23:45,104 --> 00:23:47,740 There are many valid reasons to go to war... 584 00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:51,485 Cheap oil, natural-gas reserves, untapped petroleum... 585 00:23:51,562 --> 00:23:53,683 But we weren't going to war for those reasons. 586 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,589 We were going because I wanted control, 587 00:23:56,671 --> 00:23:59,006 but a mushroom cloud, though it might look pretty 588 00:23:59,083 --> 00:24:01,615 and sound tasty, isn't control. 589 00:24:01,692 --> 00:24:04,698 True control is controlling yourself, 590 00:24:04,775 --> 00:24:08,072 and I am in con... 591 00:24:15,017 --> 00:24:18,409 Before you blame me, it... That could be anyone's tank. 592 00:24:18,486 --> 00:24:20,755 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 593 00:24:20,832 --> 00:24:22,920 ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪ 594 00:24:23,050 --> 00:24:25,255 Good morning. It's Fox & Friends. 595 00:24:25,332 --> 00:24:27,426 Our dimples are back, and our theme song 596 00:24:27,503 --> 00:24:29,338 sounds like Christian rock once more. 597 00:24:29,415 --> 00:24:32,634 It's a glorious day for everyone but the cast of Bloodsport, 598 00:24:32,711 --> 00:24:36,442 which Sean Hannity left in his trunk for a week straight. 599 00:24:37,248 --> 00:24:40,171 Ah, it's so nice to be back in this breathable 600 00:24:40,248 --> 00:24:42,636 luxury lambswool latex-blend suit. 601 00:24:42,713 --> 00:24:45,163 Sir, we are back to DEFCON 5, or 1, 602 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,699 or whatever the good one is. 603 00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:48,121 Am I in trouble? 604 00:24:48,198 --> 00:24:50,943 Oh, John, I can't stay mad at you. 605 00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:53,058 You're the only enemy I don't want to make. 606 00:24:53,135 --> 00:24:54,619 I know about your list. 607 00:24:54,696 --> 00:24:57,789 And I'm sorry for going off the handle like that. 608 00:24:57,866 --> 00:25:00,682 I don't need to bomb the world. Just Iran. 609 00:25:00,759 --> 00:25:01,918 Bolton! 610 00:25:01,995 --> 00:25:03,095 W-What? 611 00:25:03,172 --> 00:25:05,871 But seriously, if we don't strike first, 612 00:25:05,948 --> 00:25:07,370 they will kill us. 613 00:25:07,936 --> 00:25:11,516 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 614 00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:15,119 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 615 00:25:15,338 --> 00:25:17,947 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 616 00:25:18,024 --> 00:25:19,262 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 617 00:25:19,339 --> 00:25:22,307 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 618 00:25:22,384 --> 00:25:25,019 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 619 00:25:25,096 --> 00:25:26,344 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 620 00:25:26,421 --> 00:25:29,483 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 621 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:34,524 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 622 00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:38,114 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 623 00:25:38,234 --> 00:25:41,558 ♪ He is our president ♪ 624 00:25:41,635 --> 00:25:45,115 ♪ We made him president ♪ 625 00:25:45,192 --> 00:25:47,428 ♪ We did it ♪ 626 00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:51,189 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 627 00:25:51,387 --> 00:25:54,470 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 628 00:25:54,547 --> 00:25:58,095 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 629 00:25:58,172 --> 00:26:01,686 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 630 00:26:01,763 --> 00:26:05,337 ♪ Yeah ♪ 631 00:26:05,405 --> 00:26:06,491 Trump! 49638

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