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1
00:00:04,276 --> 00:00:05,474
This just breaking now.
2
00:00:05,551 --> 00:00:07,746
President Trump's campaign
manager Paul Manafort
3
00:00:07,823 --> 00:00:09,579
and his personal lawyer
Michael Cohen
4
00:00:09,656 --> 00:00:11,600
are each guilty
of eight criminal counts
5
00:00:11,677 --> 00:00:13,141
that will result in jail time.
6
00:00:13,218 --> 00:00:14,350
You know, I always thought
7
00:00:14,427 --> 00:00:16,412
this whole investigation
was a nothing burger,
8
00:00:16,489 --> 00:00:18,829
but now it's starting to
feel like a burger burger.
9
00:00:18,906 --> 00:00:20,995
Before this plane lands,
we need a response
10
00:00:21,072 --> 00:00:23,662
that isn't you pretending
you only speak Portuguese.
11
00:00:23,739 --> 00:00:25,292
You're being compared
to Nixon,
12
00:00:25,369 --> 00:00:28,454
and not just because of your
flop sweat and sexless marriage.
13
00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:29,857
Because of impeachment!
14
00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:32,559
Hello. You can't impeach
a sitting president.
15
00:00:32,636 --> 00:00:34,122
You're thinking
of "indict."
16
00:00:34,199 --> 00:00:35,542
Wrong.
I'm thinking of cake.
17
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:37,919
Just stick to the message
that Cohen is a liar.
18
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,124
Why am I dragging myself
into this?
19
00:00:40,201 --> 00:00:41,597
See ya at the hearings!
20
00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:43,980
Just get Giuliani,
tell him to pump himself
21
00:00:44,057 --> 00:00:46,318
full of Mountain Dew, sew
his mouth down the middle,
22
00:00:46,395 --> 00:00:48,151
and say two things
at the same time.
23
00:00:48,228 --> 00:00:50,666
Sir, do you think it's a good
idea to put Rudy on TV?
24
00:00:50,743 --> 00:00:52,329
Okay, Rudy's on TV,
everybody.
25
00:00:52,406 --> 00:00:55,151
There is no law in the jungle,
and that works okay.
26
00:00:55,228 --> 00:00:57,876
What, are you gonna throw all
the elephants behind bars?
27
00:00:57,953 --> 00:00:59,556
Prisons are crowded enough
as it is!
28
00:00:59,633 --> 00:01:02,794
Do you think Robert Mueller
would give me immunity?
29
00:01:02,871 --> 00:01:04,333
And more breaking news.
30
00:01:04,410 --> 00:01:06,255
During Michael Cohen's
guilty plea,
31
00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:08,929
he said he committed crimes
at the behest of the President.
32
00:01:09,006 --> 00:01:11,239
Oy.
Must be the turbulence
33
00:01:11,316 --> 00:01:12,926
and not the walls
closing in on me.
34
00:01:13,003 --> 00:01:14,403
Sir, are you feeling
all right?
35
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,430
Oh, yeah. Uh, hey, is this
plane getting smaller?
36
00:01:17,517 --> 00:01:20,698
Because this fuselage feels like
a drinking straw.
37
00:01:20,775 --> 00:01:24,229
I hate to say the obvious,
but have we thought about a...
38
00:01:24,306 --> 00:01:26,393
War! Oh, my God!
Of course!
39
00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:27,761
What are you thinking?
Croatia?
40
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,500
Iceland? They got
Muslims there, right?
41
00:01:29,577 --> 00:01:31,781
We'll find out when
we dig through the rubble.
42
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:34,792
That's my cue. I can't lie
about what I don't know!
43
00:01:34,869 --> 00:01:37,226
Oh, God.
I need legal advice.
44
00:01:37,303 --> 00:01:39,805
You know who's just the lawyer
to help me out of this jam?
45
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,085
Michael Cohen.
Darn it!
46
00:01:42,162 --> 00:01:43,713
*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Season 01 Episode 17
Episode Title: "Militarization"
47
00:01:43,790 --> 00:01:45,779
Melania!
The fly is back!
48
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,587
Shut up, you big baby!
49
00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:50,329
Sync corrections by srjanapala
50
00:01:51,616 --> 00:01:54,469
America is full of
everyday heroes...
51
00:01:54,546 --> 00:01:57,668
Policemen, firefighters,
wounded veterans...
52
00:01:57,725 --> 00:02:01,388
And the oft-forgotten,
but most important of all,
53
00:02:01,428 --> 00:02:04,932
our glistening
'80s action movie stars!
54
00:02:04,939 --> 00:02:07,695
- Whoo!
- The movie? Bloodsport.
55
00:02:07,772 --> 00:02:09,640
The year? 1988.
56
00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:13,482
Elite American super soldier
Jean-Claude Van Damme
57
00:02:13,559 --> 00:02:16,234
is kicking the shit out of
some Chinese guys and...
58
00:02:16,311 --> 00:02:19,460
Sir, there's been a train
derailment outside Kansas City.
59
00:02:19,537 --> 00:02:22,234
Hello? I'm in the
middle of something!
60
00:02:22,311 --> 00:02:28,531
Anyways, put your hands together
for the stars of Bloodsport!
61
00:02:30,643 --> 00:02:35,172
I said, "Da-da-da-DAA!
Bloodsport!"
62
00:02:36,643 --> 00:02:40,539
I ask you to reunite one simple
kung-fu cast, and you don't.
63
00:02:40,616 --> 00:02:42,718
I ask you to make
the Blue Angels skywrite
64
00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:44,570
my security briefings,
and you don't.
65
00:02:44,647 --> 00:02:46,045
If you would like
to blame me, sir,
66
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,788
I'm always looking for an
excuse to self-flagellate.
67
00:02:48,865 --> 00:02:50,336
Sir, we would do
what you say,
68
00:02:50,413 --> 00:02:52,882
but some of your quirkier ideas
either don't make sense
69
00:02:52,959 --> 00:02:54,628
or violate
the Geneva Conventions.
70
00:02:54,705 --> 00:02:57,663
Your job isn't to decide
if what I say makes sense.
71
00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:59,427
Your job is to do
what I say.
72
00:02:59,504 --> 00:03:00,968
If I say, "Jump,"
you say,
73
00:03:01,045 --> 00:03:02,688
"Here's the cast
of Bloodsport."
74
00:03:02,944 --> 00:03:05,875
President Trump's
Bloodsport fail
75
00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:07,351
has Americans wondering,
76
00:03:07,428 --> 00:03:10,903
"Will Trump's lack of control
collapse his administration?"
77
00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:13,280
Okay? And on the day
he leaves office,
78
00:03:13,357 --> 00:03:15,547
will I dissociate
from reality
79
00:03:15,624 --> 00:03:17,617
or finally take
that cooking class
80
00:03:17,694 --> 00:03:19,155
or a combination of the two
81
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:20,976
that ends with
a Sur La Table chef
82
00:03:21,053 --> 00:03:23,317
wrestling a meat cleaver from
my hands? Watch this space.
83
00:03:23,394 --> 00:03:25,477
Melania!
What?
84
00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:28,778
I was right in the middle of
not spending time with you.
85
00:03:28,855 --> 00:03:31,398
Do you ever feel like
you're not in control?
86
00:03:31,475 --> 00:03:34,337
The last time I felt
in control was 1995
87
00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:36,440
when the stewardess
on my flight to America
88
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:38,538
asked if I would like
chicken or pasta.
89
00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:40,690
My father controlled
everything I did...
90
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:42,255
Which school I went to,
91
00:03:42,332 --> 00:03:44,773
which lead pipe I threatened
the tenants with,
92
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,648
and I thought
it was my time.
93
00:03:46,725 --> 00:03:48,462
You're totally
in control.
94
00:03:48,539 --> 00:03:51,065
Then why does my staff ignore
my reasonable instructions
95
00:03:51,142 --> 00:03:53,399
to let Mike Ditka crash
in the Situation Room?
96
00:03:53,476 --> 00:03:54,765
I said you're
in control!
97
00:03:54,842 --> 00:03:57,242
Now go to sleep,
you big leathery baby!
98
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,492
But I'm not tired!
99
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:02,242
So, I'm watching
Bloodsport...
100
00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:04,014
Hannity's picture-in-picture,
of course,
101
00:04:04,091 --> 00:04:05,614
so he can watch
the movie, too...
102
00:04:05,691 --> 00:04:08,920
And I'm thinking, the sensei
tells Jean-Claude Van Damme
103
00:04:08,997 --> 00:04:10,794
to do something,
and he does it.
104
00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:12,474
If you guys did that for me,
105
00:04:12,551 --> 00:04:14,567
I'd promote all of you
to Vice President.
106
00:04:14,644 --> 00:04:16,865
I could use the help
appearing at funerals
107
00:04:16,942 --> 00:04:18,820
the deceased barred you
from attending.
108
00:04:18,897 --> 00:04:21,645
If you want to get your
administration under control,
109
00:04:21,722 --> 00:04:24,005
you got to supercharge
that military.
110
00:04:24,082 --> 00:04:25,474
- Oh, my God.
- Broken record.
111
00:04:25,551 --> 00:04:27,541
- Oh, Lordy.
- Hey, Rambo grew a mustache.
112
00:04:27,618 --> 00:04:28,883
John, you're a nut.
113
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,348
Like I'm gonna
turn my government
114
00:04:30,425 --> 00:04:32,218
into some kind
of military regime.
115
00:04:32,295 --> 00:04:34,882
Hey, multiple generals,
get a load of this guy!
116
00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:35,994
I'm serious!
117
00:04:36,071 --> 00:04:38,411
Taxpayers pay for
black helicopters,
118
00:04:38,488 --> 00:04:40,973
and they deserve to see them
menacing their homes.
119
00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:42,679
Big talk coming
from someone
120
00:04:42,756 --> 00:04:44,245
who's never been
in a war.
121
00:04:44,322 --> 00:04:46,348
How am I supposed to
enjoy watching a war
122
00:04:46,425 --> 00:04:47,739
if I'm busy
being in it?
123
00:04:47,816 --> 00:04:50,226
I've thought about
this idea for 12 seconds,
124
00:04:50,303 --> 00:04:51,835
and I've decided
it's a no-go
125
00:04:51,912 --> 00:04:54,006
that's taking up
my precious mental energy.
126
00:04:54,083 --> 00:04:56,573
Now if you'll excuse me,
I got to play out a feud
127
00:04:56,650 --> 00:04:58,520
with Mandy Patinkin
in my head.
128
00:04:58,597 --> 00:05:00,919
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
129
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:03,370
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
130
00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:06,485
And the ICE agent detained
the entire quinceañera
131
00:05:06,562 --> 00:05:08,595
before the first
slice of cake was cut.
132
00:05:08,672 --> 00:05:10,587
I wish I had
a bus that big!
133
00:05:10,664 --> 00:05:12,383
That's Fox & Friends
for this morning.
134
00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:14,227
Join us tomorrow
when we meet a man
135
00:05:14,304 --> 00:05:16,432
who paints the American flag
on people's houses
136
00:05:16,509 --> 00:05:17,808
whether they
like it or not.
137
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,542
- And we're out.
- You won't believe
138
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:20,805
what happened
to me last night.
139
00:05:20,882 --> 00:05:23,702
You gave your housekeeper the
night off for her birthday?
140
00:05:23,779 --> 00:05:26,667
I was in the Lower East Side
getting a late-night cup of joe
141
00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:27,790
so I could avoid sleep
142
00:05:27,867 --> 00:05:29,432
and the torturous dreams
that come with it.
143
00:05:29,509 --> 00:05:30,485
I hear that!
144
00:05:30,562 --> 00:05:33,292
But this SJW barista
wouldn't serve me,
145
00:05:33,369 --> 00:05:36,154
even though they'd only
been closed for 45 minutes!
146
00:05:36,231 --> 00:05:38,759
I yelled at her so hard,
you'd have thought she was
147
00:05:38,836 --> 00:05:40,389
a lesbian couple
not pulling out
148
00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:42,030
of a parking space
quick enough.
149
00:05:42,107 --> 00:05:44,235
And you know something?
It felt great!
150
00:05:44,312 --> 00:05:47,276
It's too bad we never get to
have violent tirades on air.
151
00:05:47,353 --> 00:05:48,711
I want to show my range...
152
00:05:48,788 --> 00:05:51,876
Everything from joyful sadism
to angry sadism.
153
00:05:51,953 --> 00:05:53,923
I don't even know
how to scream anymore.
154
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,214
Aa-u-uh!
Is that the scream?
155
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,577
Sir, it's time
we discuss the logistics
156
00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:00,953
of your
military parade.
157
00:06:01,030 --> 00:06:02,409
By "military," I meant
158
00:06:02,486 --> 00:06:04,798
the usual streamers
and sassy outfits,
159
00:06:04,875 --> 00:06:07,120
just with more people
tearfully saluting me.
160
00:06:07,197 --> 00:06:09,046
We've prepared
a half-dozen flyovers,
161
00:06:09,123 --> 00:06:12,078
a couple of military reunions,
all heterosexual, of course,
162
00:06:12,155 --> 00:06:14,680
and a float in honor of
Lee Greenwood's discography.
163
00:06:14,757 --> 00:06:16,848
Wow! Is there anything
left in the budget?
164
00:06:16,925 --> 00:06:18,360
$30 million.
Jesus!
165
00:06:18,437 --> 00:06:21,032
That's more than I'm wor...
A percentage of what I'm worth.
166
00:06:21,109 --> 00:06:22,989
It would be
quite the gesture
167
00:06:23,113 --> 00:06:25,071
to donate the rest
to the VA.
168
00:06:25,148 --> 00:06:27,196
Don't be cute.
Let's flood Dupont Circle
169
00:06:27,273 --> 00:06:29,015
and get some submarines
in there.
170
00:06:29,092 --> 00:06:30,626
Sir, to combat
protesters,
171
00:06:30,703 --> 00:06:32,428
we've lined the streets
with mace cannons,
172
00:06:32,505 --> 00:06:35,504
which we will demonstrate now
with a masochistic volunteer.
173
00:06:35,581 --> 00:06:39,543
I, an SJW, find violent
regime change triggering!
174
00:06:43,143 --> 00:06:45,347
I am finally alive!
175
00:06:47,182 --> 00:06:48,255
♪ Hannity! ♪
176
00:06:48,332 --> 00:06:50,309
President Trump,
if you're watching...
177
00:06:50,386 --> 00:06:52,189
And the fizzy sensation
in my nipples
178
00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:54,508
tells me you are...
I have great news.
179
00:06:54,585 --> 00:06:57,618
The cast of Bloodsport
is hog-tied in my trunk,
180
00:06:57,695 --> 00:07:00,186
ready to lead
your military parade!
181
00:07:00,263 --> 00:07:04,657
I am fed, diapered, and eager
to zigzag 120 miles an hour
182
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,940
down the turnpike straight
to the White House!
183
00:07:07,017 --> 00:07:08,785
- Thanks, Sean!
- For the remaining
184
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,063
55 minutes
of the broadcast,
185
00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:15,027
here's beautiful, hypnotic
footage of obedient marching.
186
00:07:15,629 --> 00:07:19,370
Wow. Despite being 50%
blueberry pie filling,
187
00:07:19,447 --> 00:07:23,785
my boy Kim Jong-un knows how
to bend humans to his will.
188
00:07:25,062 --> 00:07:26,868
Come on!
Almost! Come on!
189
00:07:26,945 --> 00:07:28,250
Bolton,
what are you doing?
190
00:07:28,327 --> 00:07:29,665
Oh, hey,
Mr. President.
191
00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:32,540
Just trying to jimmy open
the ol' nuclear football.
192
00:07:32,617 --> 00:07:34,692
You might have a point
about this military thing.
193
00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:35,936
I get to be on
the last float
194
00:07:36,013 --> 00:07:37,587
of the army parade
dressed as Santa.
195
00:07:37,664 --> 00:07:39,957
Making America
a military wonderland
196
00:07:40,034 --> 00:07:41,768
would be
a beautiful thing.
197
00:07:41,845 --> 00:07:43,362
Did you know that
some toll booths
198
00:07:43,439 --> 00:07:45,871
aren't even armed with
machine-gun turrets yet?
199
00:07:46,041 --> 00:07:50,384
John, let's make America one
big military parade in my honor.
200
00:07:50,461 --> 00:07:52,697
Do we have a chief commander
who can run this whole thing?
201
00:07:52,774 --> 00:07:54,594
We have
a Commander-in-Chief.
202
00:07:54,671 --> 00:07:57,339
I have a picture
of him right here.
203
00:07:57,418 --> 00:07:59,930
I'm Commander-in Chief?
204
00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:01,887
Of course,
ya big goof!
205
00:08:01,964 --> 00:08:03,346
You run the military!
206
00:08:03,423 --> 00:08:06,074
Whatever you tell them
to do, they do it.
207
00:08:07,811 --> 00:08:10,752
♪ Wanna rule your nation? ♪
208
00:08:10,944 --> 00:08:13,760
♪ Militarization ♪
209
00:08:13,905 --> 00:08:15,633
♪ Puts you in control ♪
210
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:19,910
♪ You could end
the Mueller investigation ♪
211
00:08:19,988 --> 00:08:22,922
♪ No more legislation ♪
212
00:08:22,999 --> 00:08:25,504
♪ No more immigration ♪
213
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,486
♪ If you don't like the press ♪
214
00:08:27,563 --> 00:08:32,152
♪ Make violent arrests
at the TV stations ♪
215
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,309
♪ Move the Capitol
to Mar-a-Lago ♪
216
00:08:35,386 --> 00:08:37,270
♪ And make princes
of your sons ♪
217
00:08:37,347 --> 00:08:38,563
Hell yeah!
218
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,485
♪ Have some tanks
patrol Chicago ♪
219
00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:45,150
♪ Arm your meter maids
with machine guns ♪
220
00:08:45,850 --> 00:08:48,327
Well, you shouldn't
have parked there!
221
00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:51,075
♪ Bomb a sovereign nation ♪
222
00:08:51,165 --> 00:08:54,106
♪ Skip the explanation ♪
223
00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:58,653
♪ Rule until you're dead
and never leave your bed ♪
224
00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:02,735
♪ With militarization ♪
225
00:09:06,026 --> 00:09:07,782
All right.
Sounds good.
226
00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:13,541
We've already injected
the military
227
00:09:13,618 --> 00:09:15,605
into everyday
American life...
228
00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:17,981
Camouflaged school
resource officers,
229
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,731
camouflaged traffic police,
TSA agents in camo.
230
00:09:21,808 --> 00:09:23,479
But we can do more
231
00:09:23,556 --> 00:09:26,982
and urge Congress to pass
the Military Expansion Act,
232
00:09:27,059 --> 00:09:29,416
which would arm health
inspectors with hand grenades,
233
00:09:29,493 --> 00:09:31,012
teach toddlers
in swim classes
234
00:09:31,089 --> 00:09:33,401
how to silently rise from
the water with a knife
235
00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:35,502
between their teeth,
and so on.
236
00:09:35,579 --> 00:09:37,675
And the best part is
all orders
237
00:09:37,752 --> 00:09:40,333
will efficiently come
from the President, me!
238
00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:41,407
Whoo!
239
00:09:41,484 --> 00:09:43,547
I don't know this guy,
but I love him!
240
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:47,479
With all due respect, get bent,
you jingoist war-cow!
241
00:09:47,556 --> 00:09:50,813
I've never served my country,
and I'm not about to start.
242
00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:53,833
Hey, hey, hey, I get that
some of you might be nervous
243
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:56,208
about irrevocably
altering our government.
244
00:09:56,285 --> 00:10:00,941
But let me reassure you,
dissenters will be executed.
245
00:10:01,847 --> 00:10:02,972
Whoo?
246
00:10:04,566 --> 00:10:06,327
Sean, our full-scale
military coup
247
00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:08,487
is bound to have
hippy-dippy dissenters,
248
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,549
so I need media
reinforcement.
249
00:10:10,626 --> 00:10:11,761
Say no more.
250
00:10:11,838 --> 00:10:13,541
When one of your
newly armed teachers
251
00:10:13,618 --> 00:10:15,416
accidentally shoots
a class bird,
252
00:10:15,493 --> 00:10:19,151
I will do 90 minutes on the
Clinton Foundation's love affair
253
00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:20,962
- with al-Baghdadi.
- Perfect.
254
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:24,040
Now, those Fox & Friends guys,
I love 'em to death,
255
00:10:24,117 --> 00:10:26,495
but they're not
exactly state-run TV.
256
00:10:26,572 --> 00:10:28,158
I need you to froth 'em up
for me, buddy.
257
00:10:28,235 --> 00:10:31,438
When I am done with them,
they'll be spewing fire
258
00:10:31,515 --> 00:10:33,708
and the occasional
national weather report.
259
00:10:33,785 --> 00:10:36,206
Oh, yeah, gotta have
the weather report.
260
00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:39,354
As requested for
your military parade,
261
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:41,174
we're giving
the Washington Mall
262
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:42,752
a much-needed makeover.
263
00:10:42,829 --> 00:10:44,197
Behold!
264
00:10:44,366 --> 00:10:46,719
Oh, what I wouldn't give
to nest in that nostril.
265
00:10:46,796 --> 00:10:48,667
Does PEZ come out
of the mouth?
266
00:10:48,744 --> 00:10:50,838
Shut up, Eric! Does PEZ
come out of it, Dad?
267
00:10:50,915 --> 00:10:52,925
If it doesn't,
someone screwed up.
268
00:10:53,002 --> 00:10:55,198
And why didn't we replace
the Lincoln Memorial
269
00:10:55,275 --> 00:10:56,855
with a bronze
of me in a hammock?
270
00:10:56,932 --> 00:10:59,598
For some reason, Congressional
Democrats blocked it, sir.
271
00:10:59,675 --> 00:11:02,846
You try and try
to be a good dictator,
272
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,166
and some people
make it so difficult.
273
00:11:05,243 --> 00:11:07,549
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
274
00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,790
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
275
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:12,507
Good morning!
It's Fox & Friends!
276
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:14,174
How is your morning,
Girl Brian?
277
00:11:14,251 --> 00:11:16,022
I found a puppy tied
outside a diner
278
00:11:16,099 --> 00:11:17,311
and claimed it as my own!
279
00:11:17,388 --> 00:11:19,262
And you didn't even
have to buy a soup!
280
00:11:19,339 --> 00:11:20,443
What a deal!
281
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,408
Okay, that wasn't
Fox & Friends.
282
00:11:22,485 --> 00:11:24,728
That was Fox and
Fry My Eyeballs.
283
00:11:24,805 --> 00:11:28,380
From now on, this show's
gonna be loud, proud, and LOUD!
284
00:11:28,457 --> 00:11:30,958
You're in luck, because tomorrow
we've got a performance
285
00:11:31,035 --> 00:11:33,137
from the Liberty University
Straight Men's Chorus.
286
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:35,171
Is your brain made of
fish-tank pebbles, Steve?
287
00:11:35,248 --> 00:11:38,041
I want you so fired up,
your viewers' dogs bark
288
00:11:38,118 --> 00:11:39,662
until they pass out!
289
00:11:39,739 --> 00:11:42,325
- So no more puffy language?
- No more smiling?
290
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,965
Your dimples
are fired.
291
00:11:44,042 --> 00:11:47,526
Your script will be all caps
and will be read that way.
292
00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:49,005
- Finally!
- Fin-al-ly!
293
00:11:49,082 --> 00:11:50,732
Finally!
Little lag there.
294
00:11:50,809 --> 00:11:53,144
Time to take my brain
to the Geek Squad.
295
00:11:53,221 --> 00:11:55,542
Don't worry about
Democratic resistance,
296
00:11:55,619 --> 00:11:57,660
Mr. President.
They've never heard of
297
00:11:57,737 --> 00:11:59,020
the burrito strategy.
298
00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:00,416
What's the
burrito strategy?
299
00:12:00,493 --> 00:12:02,782
I eat a burrito and then
I eat another burrito?
300
00:12:02,859 --> 00:12:05,699
Whenever Congress believes
our nation is under attack,
301
00:12:05,776 --> 00:12:07,630
they cede power
to the White House.
302
00:12:07,707 --> 00:12:09,838
Gulf of Tonkin,
USS Maine.
303
00:12:09,915 --> 00:12:13,409
We start this burrito fire
and let the revolution begin!
304
00:12:13,486 --> 00:12:15,535
Do I get to eat
the burrito afterward?
305
00:12:15,612 --> 00:12:18,754
- It'll be a pile of black ash.
- Answer the question.
306
00:12:18,831 --> 00:12:20,534
Okay, repeat after me.
307
00:12:20,611 --> 00:12:24,244
"I'm glad that immigrant doctor
was dragged off that bus!"
308
00:12:24,321 --> 00:12:25,896
I'm glad
that immigrant doctor
309
00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:27,416
was dragged off that bus!
310
00:12:27,493 --> 00:12:28,645
Ooh! Dr. Bus!
311
00:12:28,722 --> 00:12:31,129
Jesus, you're all
softer than a kitty cat
312
00:12:31,206 --> 00:12:33,364
choking on a dryer sheet...
So cute!
313
00:12:33,441 --> 00:12:35,724
We're trying, Sean,
but outwardly expressing
314
00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:38,089
our internalized anger
is so new to us.
315
00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:39,712
Our rage
is candy-coated.
316
00:12:39,789 --> 00:12:41,748
Our show is like
a fun airline.
317
00:12:41,825 --> 00:12:43,471
Our viewers are
the passengers,
318
00:12:43,548 --> 00:12:46,213
and I'm the stewardess
rapping about seat belts.
319
00:12:46,290 --> 00:12:49,178
Then let's do it "method."
Stanislavski!
320
00:12:49,255 --> 00:12:52,504
Doocy, you think of that
barista refusing you caffeine.
321
00:12:52,581 --> 00:12:54,442
Ainsley, think of
your employers
322
00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:56,466
accidentally
calling you "Greta."
323
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,370
Brian, think
about thinking.
324
00:12:58,447 --> 00:13:00,100
Now try it again!
325
00:13:00,314 --> 00:13:02,050
I'm glad that immigrant
doctor was dragged off that bus!
326
00:13:02,127 --> 00:13:04,971
RUN THAT ILLEGAL OVER
WITH THE BUS!
327
00:13:05,048 --> 00:13:07,855
Like music to
my big, fat ears.
328
00:13:07,932 --> 00:13:09,771
Today's burrito fire
329
00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:12,082
is America's darkest hour,
330
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,210
a crime against humanity
331
00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:18,337
surely committed by
a combination of ISIS, MS-13,
332
00:13:18,414 --> 00:13:21,235
and El Yummo Rico's
Frozen Chimichangas.
333
00:13:21,312 --> 00:13:23,243
To respond swiftly
and completely,
334
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,498
we must fold all three
government branches
335
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:29,035
into one big Trump galactic
military empire branch.
336
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:31,219
Eat my ass!
337
00:13:31,296 --> 00:13:34,704
Democracy prevails!
The blue wave is coming!
338
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:38,650
In no less than six years,
that Oval Office is ours.
339
00:13:38,727 --> 00:13:41,071
Oh, ho!
Hit 'em with it, Trumpy!
340
00:13:41,148 --> 00:13:43,141
I am so sorry.
341
00:13:43,218 --> 00:13:47,071
I completely forgot you guys
don't support the troops.
342
00:13:47,148 --> 00:13:49,213
Oh, no.
The troops? Of course we do.
343
00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:50,618
Son of a bitch.
344
00:13:50,695 --> 00:13:53,081
I support the troops!
I-I swear to God!
345
00:13:53,158 --> 00:13:54,910
I'll vote for anything!
346
00:13:55,478 --> 00:13:58,049
Oh, you do
support the troops.
347
00:13:58,126 --> 00:13:59,520
Yay!
348
00:13:59,610 --> 00:14:02,063
♪ THREE WHITE PEOPLE
ON A COUCH ♪
349
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:05,040
♪ IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ♪
350
00:14:05,117 --> 00:14:08,863
And after that 15-minute moment
of rage-fueled silence
351
00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:11,707
to honor our glorious flag,
let's kick off
352
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,636
Donald Trump's
military parade!
353
00:14:13,713 --> 00:14:16,836
Rise and salute
or be buried alive!
354
00:14:19,077 --> 00:14:21,664
Now please
put your hands together
355
00:14:21,741 --> 00:14:24,998
for the War Mongers
Who Never Served float!
356
00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:26,906
- Is that a Smurf?!
- No!
357
00:14:26,983 --> 00:14:30,040
It's a balloon featuring
Internment Camp Blueprints.
358
00:14:30,117 --> 00:14:32,508
Don't forget, folks...
Tonight at sunset,
359
00:14:32,585 --> 00:14:35,704
it's the Flashback-Inducing
Fireworks Display!
360
00:14:35,781 --> 00:14:39,004
And here comes our brave,
noble, fashion-forward
361
00:14:39,081 --> 00:14:42,994
Commander-in-Chief himself,
Donald J. Trump!
362
00:14:45,409 --> 00:14:47,621
Everyone's finally
listening to me,
363
00:14:47,698 --> 00:14:50,350
and not just because they have
a tank pointed at their heads.
364
00:14:50,427 --> 00:14:53,455
Now, who wants to fire a cannon
and see what happens?!
365
00:14:58,249 --> 00:15:01,768
Holy shit! We blew up
the Library of Congress!
366
00:15:03,266 --> 00:15:07,430
I am just so happy that America
is on the path to peace,
367
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:10,252
the peace that comes
with death.
368
00:15:10,467 --> 00:15:13,821
Very soon we will march
our armies across the globe
369
00:15:13,898 --> 00:15:15,523
for a new cold war.
370
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,416
Trench foot's back, baby,
and it's smellier than ever!
371
00:15:23,111 --> 00:15:25,038
That was the
best day of my life
372
00:15:25,115 --> 00:15:26,970
since I paid off
that drone pilot
373
00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:29,616
to vaporize my neighbor's
gaudy deck umbrella.
374
00:15:29,693 --> 00:15:31,632
Hey, John,
all that war stuff?
375
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:34,401
It was just some harmless
violent mob stoking, right?
376
00:15:34,686 --> 00:15:36,318
Nope! The plan's
always been
377
00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:38,924
to fit every single
American with a uniform
378
00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:41,570
then invade the planet.
Oh. Okay.
379
00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:44,450
I kinda thought this was to get
my staff to listen to me.
380
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:47,251
We did listen to you,
and that's why high schools
381
00:15:47,328 --> 00:15:49,588
now only offer one
foreign-language class...
382
00:15:49,665 --> 00:15:50,692
Wind-talking.
383
00:15:50,769 --> 00:15:52,013
But isn't war muddy?
384
00:15:52,090 --> 00:15:54,396
I mean, everyone's trying
to save Matt Damon,
385
00:15:54,473 --> 00:15:56,135
but they get
the wrong Matt Damon,
386
00:15:56,212 --> 00:15:58,239
then you run out of popcorn
in the middle of the war,
387
00:15:58,316 --> 00:15:59,507
and you have to go get more,
388
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:02,328
but they stopped making
popcorn at 10:45 p.m.
389
00:16:02,405 --> 00:16:04,346
Basically,
isn't war hell?
390
00:16:04,423 --> 00:16:06,318
- War.
- War!
391
00:16:06,395 --> 00:16:08,057
- War!
- War!
392
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,718
- War!
- War!
393
00:16:09,795 --> 00:16:11,115
- War!
- War!
394
00:16:11,192 --> 00:16:12,523
- War!
- War!
395
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,147
- War!
- War!
396
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,413
War!
397
00:16:15,490 --> 00:16:16,844
GREAT SHOW!
398
00:16:16,921 --> 00:16:18,745
BRIAN KILMEADE!
399
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,960
Hey, guys, is anyone
feeling a little on edge?
400
00:16:24,037 --> 00:16:25,862
Yeah.
To get out all my anger,
401
00:16:25,939 --> 00:16:28,171
I had to join a backyard
wrestling league.
402
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:30,781
I chased down Ainsley's
new dog and ate it.
403
00:16:30,858 --> 00:16:32,516
So that's how he died.
404
00:16:32,593 --> 00:16:34,039
Yes, I ate the dog.
405
00:16:34,116 --> 00:16:35,839
I thought I would
like being angry,
406
00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,843
but it's turning me
into a real wackadoodle.
407
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,320
I miss calling
Kirsten Gillibrand a Muslim
408
00:16:40,397 --> 00:16:43,138
with a smile so big,
my veneers fuse.
409
00:16:44,613 --> 00:16:47,313
We all agree we should bomb
the Middle East,
410
00:16:47,390 --> 00:16:48,809
but did you know
there's a place
411
00:16:48,886 --> 00:16:51,611
with even more resources
and villagers?
412
00:16:51,688 --> 00:16:54,744
China! It's time they
answer for our debts.
413
00:16:54,821 --> 00:16:56,733
What the hell
are you suggesting?
414
00:16:56,810 --> 00:16:58,580
Asian Invasion,
baby!
415
00:16:58,657 --> 00:17:00,731
It makes sense,
and it rhymes,
416
00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,809
so you know we're gonna
sell a ton of merch.
417
00:17:02,886 --> 00:17:05,627
China? I-Isn't that where
Bloodsport was filmed?
418
00:17:05,704 --> 00:17:07,603
Hey, Donald, why
don't you wait outside
419
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,324
until we finish
planning this war?
420
00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,983
Then we'll invite you back in
when the pens come out.
421
00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:13,114
I wanna stay!
422
00:17:13,191 --> 00:17:15,252
And I want to
invade China.
423
00:17:15,329 --> 00:17:18,245
We can't all have what
we want, except for me.
424
00:17:18,322 --> 00:17:21,379
And although his hot tub
might be full of algae,
425
00:17:21,456 --> 00:17:22,979
that old man
found solace
426
00:17:23,056 --> 00:17:25,064
knowing his pool boy
was deported.
427
00:17:25,141 --> 00:17:28,369
When we come back, your son
looks completely normal.
428
00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:29,385
Is he on drugs?
429
00:17:29,462 --> 00:17:30,814
And the
Liberty University
430
00:17:30,891 --> 00:17:33,533
Straight Men's Choir
sings a requiem to my dog.
431
00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:34,976
- I ate the dog.
- Clear!
432
00:17:35,053 --> 00:17:36,598
- What the hell was that?!
- Ainsley,
433
00:17:36,675 --> 00:17:38,892
you barely talked
above 60 decibels!
434
00:17:38,969 --> 00:17:41,450
And, Doocy, when you said,
"Michael Avenatti
435
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,947
is holding
Desmond Tutu hostage,"
436
00:17:43,024 --> 00:17:45,111
your face didn't
even turn gray!
437
00:17:45,188 --> 00:17:47,601
Sean, we decided
we have to do us,
438
00:17:47,678 --> 00:17:50,283
which is you but with
less-dilated pupils.
439
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:54,039
I berated demeaning
instructions at you for hours,
440
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,791
and this is how
you repay me?!
441
00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:57,853
Are you gonna shatter
that camera lens
442
00:17:57,930 --> 00:17:59,781
with conspiracy-fueled
screaming,
443
00:17:59,858 --> 00:18:01,978
or should I find
three other stooges
444
00:18:02,055 --> 00:18:04,630
to be the President's
daytime mouthpiece?!
445
00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:07,510
I have my answer.
446
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,423
Good luck to you all.
447
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,088
Aw! Good luck!
448
00:18:12,209 --> 00:18:15,315
All I wanted was a little
more control in my life,
449
00:18:15,392 --> 00:18:17,010
and what I got
was a World War
450
00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:18,890
with the people
who make my ties.
451
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:20,855
My poor little ties.
452
00:18:20,932 --> 00:18:24,031
You thought the nation was just
gonna lift a bunch of weights
453
00:18:24,108 --> 00:18:27,040
and not want to punch a sleeping
homeless person on the subway?
454
00:18:27,117 --> 00:18:29,847
Tell you what, we wipe
China off the map,
455
00:18:29,924 --> 00:18:31,808
and afterwards,
if you don't like it,
456
00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:33,198
we'll never do it again.
457
00:18:33,275 --> 00:18:35,913
I said no! And you
have to listen to me!
458
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:38,023
I'm the
Commander-in-Chief.
459
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,425
No. I'm the
Commander-in-Chief.
460
00:18:40,502 --> 00:18:42,465
Look.
Huh! Nice try, John.
461
00:18:42,542 --> 00:18:45,135
I've looked at every reflective
surface I've ever passed,
462
00:18:45,212 --> 00:18:46,531
so I know
that's a mirror.
463
00:18:46,608 --> 00:18:48,902
The wheels of war
are turning,
464
00:18:48,979 --> 00:18:51,657
and if you want to stop them,
it's going to take work.
465
00:18:51,734 --> 00:18:53,683
Is that what
you want? Work?
466
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,639
No. I guess not.
467
00:19:00,935 --> 00:19:03,291
Sir, I got a new stack
of war declarations
468
00:19:03,368 --> 00:19:04,907
for you to consider.
This one would
469
00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:07,733
flatten Germany, justified by their
previous track record.
470
00:19:07,810 --> 00:19:09,546
And this one's to
napalm Mt. Everest
471
00:19:09,623 --> 00:19:11,600
and make the unrecognized
state of Tibet
472
00:19:11,677 --> 00:19:12,966
even more
unrecognizable.
473
00:19:13,043 --> 00:19:14,749
Why can't we just do
a civil war?
474
00:19:14,826 --> 00:19:15,999
Everyone's already armed,
475
00:19:16,076 --> 00:19:18,085
people could still have dinner
with their families.
476
00:19:18,162 --> 00:19:20,549
Ugh, Sarah, can you
get me some KFC?
477
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:23,441
Unfortunately, they've become
a weapons manufacturer...
478
00:19:23,518 --> 00:19:25,551
"Kentucky Fieldwork
Cluster-munitions."
479
00:19:25,628 --> 00:19:26,933
If it's any consolation,
480
00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:29,096
they still have the same code
to use their bathroom.
481
00:19:29,173 --> 00:19:30,884
You don't need those guys!
You don't need 'em!
482
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,330
You're Stevie Nicks, baby.
483
00:19:32,407 --> 00:19:35,314
You can do it all with the power
of Hannity and Friends.
484
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:37,157
In three, two, one.
485
00:19:37,234 --> 00:19:39,017
Three white
people on a couch.
486
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:40,533
It's Fox & Friends.
487
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,822
Welcome back to Fox & Friends.
488
00:19:42,899 --> 00:19:44,449
That's right! It's Hannity!
489
00:19:44,526 --> 00:19:46,931
And filling in for
those bloodless traitors
490
00:19:47,008 --> 00:19:49,491
are my spiritually
conjoined twins,
491
00:19:49,568 --> 00:19:52,157
Sebastian Gorka
and Alex Jones.
492
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:55,323
Good dawn, Sean!
It is I, Gorka!
493
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,385
Sunlight is poison,
okay?!
494
00:19:57,462 --> 00:20:00,924
And my Alpha Power pills
are the only cure!
495
00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:03,250
Temperate weather today
in the Northeast,
496
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,511
all but confirming
that "Climate Change"
497
00:20:05,588 --> 00:20:08,963
is a liberal myth perpetuated
by Janeane Garofalo!
498
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,618
I'll go one further, Sean,
499
00:20:10,695 --> 00:20:13,118
and say mild weather
is the beginning
500
00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:16,699
of the long-prophesied
solar flare of Attila
501
00:20:16,776 --> 00:20:20,546
that will darken and cool
the Earth for a thousand annus!
502
00:20:20,623 --> 00:20:24,249
Seasons are a simulation,
the equator is flat,
503
00:20:24,326 --> 00:20:26,835
and the Earth
is a spinning disk
504
00:20:26,912 --> 00:20:29,767
that will soon be engulfed
by interdimensional warlocks!
505
00:20:29,844 --> 00:20:33,111
We have confirmation
from reddit's manga page!
506
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:34,752
Whew!
Pace yourself, guys.
507
00:20:34,829 --> 00:20:36,321
We got three hours.
Come on.
508
00:20:36,398 --> 00:20:39,011
Coming up, our ethno-crepes
cooking segment
509
00:20:39,088 --> 00:20:43,713
hosted by Stephen Miller
and a shackled Bobby Flay.
510
00:20:45,633 --> 00:20:47,525
♪ IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ♪
511
00:20:47,602 --> 00:20:48,862
I thought militarizing
512
00:20:48,939 --> 00:20:50,475
the government
would give me control.
513
00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:51,853
No, no, keep talking.
514
00:20:51,930 --> 00:20:54,392
The expired meatball
is just doing his thing.
515
00:20:54,469 --> 00:20:57,048
But now Bolton is deciding
everything for me...
516
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,432
What I wear,
what I eat,
517
00:20:58,509 --> 00:21:01,603
what stretch of Estonian tundra
I use for a black site.
518
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,736
Why don't you figure this out
literally anywhere else?
519
00:21:04,813 --> 00:21:08,221
You're right, Melania.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
520
00:21:13,154 --> 00:21:14,603
Asshole!
521
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,868
♪ Feeling suffocation ♪
522
00:21:17,945 --> 00:21:21,999
♪ About militarization ♪
523
00:21:22,339 --> 00:21:24,379
♪ Tearing up the Mall ♪
524
00:21:24,456 --> 00:21:30,048
♪ Should I reinstall
democratization? ♪
525
00:21:33,361 --> 00:21:36,715
A tank rolls through a Hardee's
and then the National Mall?
526
00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:38,435
I thought
I'd find you here.
527
00:21:38,512 --> 00:21:40,752
Kelly, why do we
have to blow up China?
528
00:21:40,829 --> 00:21:44,268
Can't I just threaten to blow up
China on Twitter like I used to?
529
00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:46,664
Have you told Bolton
how you feel about this?
530
00:21:46,741 --> 00:21:47,918
He has ears, you know.
531
00:21:47,995 --> 00:21:49,122
He doesn't listen!
532
00:21:49,199 --> 00:21:51,288
He's always yapping...
"Bomb Iran"
533
00:21:51,365 --> 00:21:53,252
and "Too late;
I bombed Iran."
534
00:21:53,329 --> 00:21:56,477
Mr. President, you can have
all the bombs in the world...
535
00:21:56,554 --> 00:21:58,697
And we pretty much have
for the last hundred years...
536
00:21:58,774 --> 00:22:00,909
But that doesn't
make you in control.
537
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,573
What do you know
about the military?
538
00:22:02,650 --> 00:22:04,231
I was in
the military.
539
00:22:04,308 --> 00:22:05,699
What?
You never mentioned that.
540
00:22:05,776 --> 00:22:07,268
I absolutely have.
541
00:22:07,345 --> 00:22:10,315
And despite how it appears, we
have even less control than you.
542
00:22:10,392 --> 00:22:12,545
You know how many times
I've tried to drone a hospital
543
00:22:12,622 --> 00:22:14,530
and ended up droning
the wrong hospital?
544
00:22:14,607 --> 00:22:16,455
Right.
I mean, I like guns,
545
00:22:16,532 --> 00:22:18,392
and I like when things
come out of guns.
546
00:22:18,469 --> 00:22:21,371
But when it hits the guy?
I don't know. It's scary.
547
00:22:21,448 --> 00:22:23,470
Great point,
Mr. President.
548
00:22:23,547 --> 00:22:26,712
The only way to
truly feel in control
549
00:22:26,789 --> 00:22:29,294
is to control yourself.
550
00:22:29,539 --> 00:22:32,066
Kelly, I'm not sure
if you still work for me,
551
00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:33,934
but if you do,
I'm glad.
552
00:22:34,011 --> 00:22:35,197
Hannity,
you're on in five.
553
00:22:35,274 --> 00:22:38,139
Sean, I suggest we skip
the weather segment
554
00:22:38,216 --> 00:22:41,354
and cut straight
to my musings on jihad!
555
00:22:41,431 --> 00:22:43,122
What the hell are
you doing, Sean?
556
00:22:43,199 --> 00:22:45,791
Aw, Sean, turn that
frown inside out
557
00:22:45,868 --> 00:22:47,816
and make your gums
your lips.
558
00:22:47,893 --> 00:22:49,176
What are you
doing here?
559
00:22:49,253 --> 00:22:51,411
We watched the show
over white jazz brunch.
560
00:22:51,488 --> 00:22:52,979
We could tell
that by minute 30
561
00:22:53,056 --> 00:22:55,338
you were in the midst
of a psychological breakdown.
562
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:58,038
My schtick just doesn't
work at 6:00 a.m.
563
00:22:58,115 --> 00:23:00,382
People need an entire
miserable day
564
00:23:00,459 --> 00:23:02,060
to build up to my rage.
565
00:23:02,137 --> 00:23:03,984
Sean, we owe you
an apology.
566
00:23:04,061 --> 00:23:06,221
When you encouraged us
to surrender our brains
567
00:23:06,298 --> 00:23:07,788
to the will of
an erratic leader,
568
00:23:07,865 --> 00:23:09,602
we thought,
"What could go wrong?"
569
00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:12,154
The answer was our emotional
well-being and nothing else.
570
00:23:12,231 --> 00:23:14,507
You know, we're two sides
of the same nickel.
571
00:23:14,584 --> 00:23:16,513
Your side is just
a little more polished,
572
00:23:16,590 --> 00:23:19,602
and my side has Thomas Jefferson
and everything he represents.
573
00:23:19,679 --> 00:23:21,622
Why don't we go back to
doing what we do best?
574
00:23:21,699 --> 00:23:22,907
Journalism!
575
00:23:24,250 --> 00:23:27,400
Just read exactly
what the prompter says,
576
00:23:27,477 --> 00:23:30,620
and you'll finally
be in control.
577
00:23:32,523 --> 00:23:33,842
And now, a message
578
00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:35,907
from the President
of the United States.
579
00:23:35,984 --> 00:23:39,228
My fellow Americans,
I declare...
580
00:23:39,339 --> 00:23:40,985
I declare...
581
00:23:41,062 --> 00:23:43,109
I... I...
582
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,027
I can't do this.
583
00:23:45,104 --> 00:23:47,740
There are many valid
reasons to go to war...
584
00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:51,485
Cheap oil, natural-gas reserves,
untapped petroleum...
585
00:23:51,562 --> 00:23:53,683
But we weren't going to war
for those reasons.
586
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,589
We were going
because I wanted control,
587
00:23:56,671 --> 00:23:59,006
but a mushroom cloud,
though it might look pretty
588
00:23:59,083 --> 00:24:01,615
and sound tasty, isn't control.
589
00:24:01,692 --> 00:24:04,698
True control
is controlling yourself,
590
00:24:04,775 --> 00:24:08,072
and I am in con...
591
00:24:15,017 --> 00:24:18,409
Before you blame me, it...
That could be anyone's tank.
592
00:24:18,486 --> 00:24:20,755
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
593
00:24:20,832 --> 00:24:22,920
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
594
00:24:23,050 --> 00:24:25,255
Good morning.
It's Fox & Friends.
595
00:24:25,332 --> 00:24:27,426
Our dimples are back,
and our theme song
596
00:24:27,503 --> 00:24:29,338
sounds like Christian rock
once more.
597
00:24:29,415 --> 00:24:32,634
It's a glorious day for everyone
but the cast of Bloodsport,
598
00:24:32,711 --> 00:24:36,442
which Sean Hannity left in
his trunk for a week straight.
599
00:24:37,248 --> 00:24:40,171
Ah, it's so nice to be back
in this breathable
600
00:24:40,248 --> 00:24:42,636
luxury lambswool
latex-blend suit.
601
00:24:42,713 --> 00:24:45,163
Sir, we are back
to DEFCON 5, or 1,
602
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,699
or whatever
the good one is.
603
00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:48,121
Am I in trouble?
604
00:24:48,198 --> 00:24:50,943
Oh, John, I can't
stay mad at you.
605
00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:53,058
You're the only enemy
I don't want to make.
606
00:24:53,135 --> 00:24:54,619
I know about
your list.
607
00:24:54,696 --> 00:24:57,789
And I'm sorry for going off
the handle like that.
608
00:24:57,866 --> 00:25:00,682
I don't need to bomb
the world. Just Iran.
609
00:25:00,759 --> 00:25:01,918
Bolton!
610
00:25:01,995 --> 00:25:03,095
W-What?
611
00:25:03,172 --> 00:25:05,871
But seriously,
if we don't strike first,
612
00:25:05,948 --> 00:25:07,370
they will kill us.
613
00:25:07,936 --> 00:25:11,516
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
614
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:15,119
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
615
00:25:15,338 --> 00:25:17,947
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
616
00:25:18,024 --> 00:25:19,262
♪ Yes, he is ♪
617
00:25:19,339 --> 00:25:22,307
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
618
00:25:22,384 --> 00:25:25,019
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
619
00:25:25,096 --> 00:25:26,344
♪ Yes, he is ♪
620
00:25:26,421 --> 00:25:29,483
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
621
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:34,524
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
622
00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:38,114
♪ Donald Trump ♪
623
00:25:38,234 --> 00:25:41,558
♪ He is our president ♪
624
00:25:41,635 --> 00:25:45,115
♪ We made him president ♪
625
00:25:45,192 --> 00:25:47,428
♪ We did it ♪
626
00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:51,189
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
627
00:25:51,387 --> 00:25:54,470
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
628
00:25:54,547 --> 00:25:58,095
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
629
00:25:58,172 --> 00:26:01,686
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
630
00:26:01,763 --> 00:26:05,337
♪ Yeah ♪
631
00:26:05,405 --> 00:26:06,491
Trump!
49638
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