Original subtitles

"Infowars."

Alex Jones here.

As you probably heard,

I was banned from Facebook, Apple, and Spotify.

You know, you advocate killing one person

and millions of fans with dissociative identity disorder,

and suddenly everyone loses their sense of humor.

Yes, I am under attack, just like the Jews

in the Holocaust that may not have happened.

Freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech

is enshrined in the Constitution.

That means anything you do with your facehole

is protected by the First Amendment,

such as firing blow darts,

driving a bulldozer with your teeth

into a hospital,

and shoving a grenade in dolphin's blowhole

while screaming "Sayonara, Flipper!"

So long, Flipper.

I am here for one reason only.

Speaking truth to power.

That is my singular motivation.

Buy my Cortex Quake pills

and you will not die!

Now available in Mixed Berry.

Cortex Quake.

Do not believe anyone who says these pills

are just spray-painted Mike and Ikes.

No shirt.

Let's bring on the last remaining bastion

of logic and civility,

- Donald Trump Jr. - I caught a big fish.

You met with the Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.

So tell the folks why the mainstream media

is blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

Uh, last time I checked, there's no law that says

you can't conspire with a foreign country.

Right, well, except there are laws against it.

I can get behind a complicated theory here.

But you got to ground it in something.

Look at it this way. Hillary colluded with Russians,

which is bad. But I colluded

with the Russians,

which is good.

Please, do not make me be the voice of reason here.

Let me start over.

I caught a big fish.

You are disconnected from reality.

Interview over.

1776!

Tomorrow I will address these rumors

that my brain is constantly spinning

like a rotisserie chicken.

Infowars.

Build the wall! *OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT* Season 01 Episode 15

Aah!

Episode Title: "The Wall" Synchronized by srjanapala

Real Americans are hurting, folks.

This morning, I met a 50-year-old

North Dakota woman named Donna.

Donna has no money, no job, 30 kids,

they all live in a garbage truck with no brakes

rolling down a hill,

and she carries her brain around in a basket.

But what keeps Donna going

is knowing that, one day,

a wall will protect our southern border

from Mexicans fleeing for dear life.

Build the wall! Build the wall!

All right, same time next week.

You bring the unfettered rage. I'll bring the hats.

When are you gonna build it?

I love you, too!

That rally was so sick,

but these mobs want this wall built now.

One guy told me to build the wall by Sunday

or he'd choke me out with his ponytail.

Look, I'd love to, but I don't have time

with everything I've got going on.

Dad, you used to actually build stuff.

The Atlantic City boardwalk is full of buildings

with three of the five letters of your name

still attached.

Remember?

What happened to that guy?

People are starting to take my declaration

that we will build a wall literally,

so I need a progress update.

The, uh, budget office says

the only way to completely fund the wall

would be to sell Wisconsin to Qatar.

That thing'll get built

the day my terrible wife wins an Oscar.

The day Tyler Perry

casts me as the love interest in

- "Madea's Got A Boyfriend". - Sarah?

I am not physically able

to express an opinion

that is not also your opinion,

So here's a noise instead...

Mmmlarm.

Then I should tell my supporters it ain't happening.

I'm sure they'll be chill about it.

After all, I'm chill, and chill recognizes chill.

Build the wall! Build the wall!

- Build the wall! - We can't do a wall right now.

We spent a lot of money on baby cages,

and a wall would just keep us

from getting enough babies to fill 'em up.

We still want the wall.

Hannity.

President Trump's bewildering speech tonight

was clearly a deep state-funded hologram.

Here to reassure us that everything is fine

between him and the wall is Donald the Trump.

There's my guy.

Listen, sweetie...

It's over between me and the wall.

No. No-no-no-no-no.

I'm a real estate mogul.

I don't know how to build walls.

You weren't even trying! You disgust me!

Get off my show! I hate you!

Wait, I don't mean that. I love you!

No! Leave me alone!

- Sean, I... - Somebody get me Gorka!

It is I, Sebastian Gorka!

Sean, my boy, let him go.

Together, you and I shall birth a new society

born on the iron spine of the Hungarian river hound.

Sebby, I can't be alone right now.

- Can I come over? - Why, yes.

I'll put a soup on the fire stove

and cue up a flick

by the Ruler of Rom-Coms, Nancy Meyers.

How could you not endorse a wall

that preserves racial purity?

This could be the administration's Hoover Dam,

only the water is unaccompanied minors

hiding in rolled up area rugs.

Look, I got two beefy, older brothers

who taught me to never indulge

in any stupid flights of fancy,

like building a beach cabana for my best friend Bucky.

You knew someone named "Bucky"?

He was my Cabbage Patch Doll.

My brothers drop-kicked him

and his half-finished beach cabana

down a wishin' well,

and my sense of wonder went with it.

Well, I'm alone again.

But one is never alone who makes noise.

Ugh, don't pick it up.

It's just Hannity singing some terrible song he wrote.

♪ When two men lose their way ♪

♪ Often times it... ♪

Dad, can you just build the wall?

It's impossible.

We'll just tell everyone

MS-13 broke up over creative differences.

That is such bullshit!

Everyone said it was impossible to refurbish

the Central Park Ice Skating rink,

but you did it.

And you mean to tell me that building a flat wall

is harder than building an oval ice skating rink?

How did you think of that shape?!

The skating rink was already there.

"I'm Jared. My dimples are somehow not endearing."

- "And I'm really handsome." - "I know everything."

What is it about making fun of Jared

that makes me feel like I can tackle the world?

Family, I will build that ice skating rink

on the Southern border!

So is anyone going to correct him?

Maybe tell him to build a wall rather than an ice rink?

- "I'm Jared." - "I'm going to jail."

- "I know everything. - "I'm really cute."

Breaking ground on this wall

requires the most brilliant minds

in government and business.

Which is why I've selected all of you.

I keep a glue gun in my back pocket

- if that helps! - We're not building

the whole wall. We just need enough

to fill a camera lens.

Length... 100 feet.

Height... taller than a man in search of freedom.

Width... One sixth of a 6-foot party sub.

Uh, I'll call Senator Cruz, try to get some momentum

- for an appropriations bill. - No Congress.

If I didn't need their help building Trump Winery,

then I don't need their help

building something without grapes.

You said there'd be grapes!

I want you two to set up

the ground-breaking ceremony at the border.

I'd do it myself, but I don't want to.

Sir, we're gonna break so much ground,

we'll shift the tectonic plates

and deluge California with lava!

Stevie, lava's not always the answer.

Just don't get carried away.

I'll keep him in line.

If he gets out of hand, I'll steal the pills he takes

to keep his throat from closing up

every time he sees someone happy.

This is the "Donald Trump Five-Point Plan

to Build Anything You Want Wherever You Want."

I used it to make Atlantic City

America's number-one family-shattering destination.

And we're gonna use it to break ground on the wall.

Sweet! Who are we swindling?

We're not swindling anyone.

We're simply inviting our friends

to take part in the opportunity of a lifetime.

Sounds like we're swindling people.

"I was never subpoenaed by my mom."

"Step one... nail the pitch."

The Southern Border

is an amazing, amazing property.

You got the desert, the sand,

those big fat plants covered in forks...

Gorgeous.

It's the perfect place to build a wall.

When my father mentioned the sand, the desert,

the forks, the gorgeous, I thought,

"This is an amazing place to build a wall."

"Trump International

Desert Sunrise Wall" will be fabulous.

I'd be a fool not to jump on this opportunity.

- Who is with me? - That sucked.

Wanna see a good video?

Hold on. Hold on.

Okay!

Oh there's an ad here.

It's... I should be able to skip...

Nope, it's not a skippable one.

I swear it's so worth it.

Okay, and it's... done!

Splish splash! It's speedboat fails!

The funniest and fastest fatal disasters!

- That's gonna leave a mark! - That's gonna leave a mark!

Ha-ha!

"Step two...

Secure the investors."

When raising cash,

you always start with the easiest marks.

I bet these rubes have a sick nest egg tucked away.

Now, Karen, don't agree to anything,

unless he really wants you to.

Mike, Karen, I wanna get you two

in on the ground floor of this amazing wall project.

Ooh!

It'll just require some capital on your end.

How much can I put you down for?

Let's see. I got my coin from France,

a punch card to the yarn store,

- and a wrapped mint, so I... - You're useless.

- And Mike? - I'm afraid the contents

of Karen's tote

is all we have to our name.

Oh, and the 401.

Ooh. How much is in there?

After our rabbit

got pregnant before marriage...

- Nice! - We had to spend

all but $37 sending her

to an Irish workhouse for fallen women.

Fine, I'll take that $37.

And give me that mint.

And at the top of the wall,

we'll have a squadron of roving archers

whose bows rain flaming arrows

down upon their foes!

Hell, no, we're not doing that.

I've had 40 great flaming-arrow ideas

in the last 20 minutes

and you've rejected each one.

Me thinks the archer is thee.

If we build something big and showy,

we're just setting up everyone for disappointment

when our boss doesn't finish the job.

But he will finish the job

if we remind him of his illustrious past

building the boardwalk's flashiest cultural abominations.

Relax, the only way he's finishing that wall

is if it's covered in horsey sauce.

"Step three... Break ground."

How are we supposed to afford this groundbreaking

when we only have Pence's 37 bucks

and a half-sucked mint?

Maybe I've lost my touch.

Why are things I want to happen not happening?!

There must be something we can do...

Um, "Blackmail Ed Koch." No.

"Cash your tenants' disability checks"?

No. Wait a second.

If we say the wall is for science or whatever,

we could get...

a federal grant with little to no oversight!

- Oh, Daddy. - Oversight!

Yeah, great idea we just had.

There. Job done.

Unacceptable!

This groundbreaking ceremony

must inspire Donald to build a wall

that will stand for 10,000 eons!

What happened to your sense of imagination?

When the press corps' cameras turn off,

so does my imagination.

Close your eyes, Sarah,

and picture Bucky's beach cabana.

What do you see?

No, that was a stupid child's dream,

and I'm not doing it.

A thatched roof?

A chair, perhaps?

Two chairs.

One for Bucky

and one for his work friend, Deb!

Now whatever you did

to imagine Bucky's beach cabana,

do the same thing

for President Trump's big, sexy wall!

I'm Wolf Blitzer.

Welcome to "The Situation Face."

President Trump will host

a border-wall groundbreaking ceremony

funded by a grant from the National Science Foundation.

I'd go, but when I leave the studio,

I get spooked and hide in the nearest barn.

"Step four... Ribbon-cutting ceremony."

Thank you to the National Science Foundation

for providing the funds necessary

for the International Desert Sunrise Wall

and Crested Gecko Research Center.

We will now keep MS-13 out of our country

and discover how geckos' vascular systems

respond to UV light.

I love geckos!

An awe-inspiring display that pleases the president

and that no sane person would ever approach!

- Great work, Sarah. - It's like 30 years

of repressed whimsy

just spilled out of me.

I didn't know what I was missing

until you showed me,

you little fetus-lookin' weird alien guy!

A lot of people said

that I'd never break ground on this wall,

including myself.

At my lowest point,

I even considered abandoning nationalism

in favor of a borderless world government

where all humans are treated equally,

but then I looked at my children

and remembered that all people are not equal.

Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

My next guest is President Trump,

who has just swept me off my feet all over again.

Sean, I'm back,

and I am not going anywhere.

I'm scared of how much

I want to believe you right now.

So, is the wall for real?

The wall is off to a tremendous start...

Start? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean "start"?

Well, it's a big project, Sean.

Donald, please do not do this to me again.

I thought you were the man who could build anything.

- Or was that just another lie? - Do not fear, Sean!

Gorka is here

with "Father of the Bride" on Blu-ray disc.

Dad, you used to actually build stuff.

Wait! Wait. What I was going to say

is that, by the end of this year,

the wall is going to be

three walls deep and four walls high.

Oh, thank God.

I'm just so glad to have you back, baby.

What do you want to do? Go... Go for a walk?

I-I kinda just want to sit here and be with you in this moment.

And now, it's time for the fifth and final step...

"screw over everyone."

Let's deposit what's left of this federal grant

and sue the government for giving it to us.

- Yas queen! - I married one of the geckos.

Can I keep it?

Kids, normally, I'd be all for

pocketing that science money

and leaving the geckos to shrivel,

but this time feels different.

I think I need to finally do the right thing...

Build this wall

and keep out all those Antonio Banderas-types.

I've never been prouder to be your dad.

I mean, uh, be my son. Shit! Fuck!

Stevie, you did too much, and I love it.

I want you to see the rest of the wall through.

I will build a wall so high, astronauts will see

pregnant immigrants being detained from space.

I'd like to help, sir.

What can I say? You crammed my head full of possibility.

You ever thought about wearing a hat?

Because you got a big ol' head

and the sun is just going nuts on it.

All right, investment club,

we're building the rest of the wall.

Time to pony up more casheesh.

Fat chance.

Your money pit somehow made Mike Pence

poorer than he already was.

I had to sell little patches of my clothes

to Karen's quilting group.

By the way, I need that money for stamps

to send thank-you notes

to everyone who bought patches.

Darn, darn, darn!

Sarah, realistically,

how much wall can you actually build?

- All of it. - And who's gonna pay for it?

You ain't, Jim, so why you worrying about it?

- What about... - Naw, shut up.

I'm talking to Jim Acosta today.

Jim, you got another question?

Will this wall have any impact at all

- on illegal... - I'm gonna just

lay it out for you. I didn't think

this wall was gonna happen.

I thought it was dumber

than a pig listening to the Jerky Boys,

but then a little dude named Stephen Miller

opened a part of my brain I didn't know I had.

Now I believe that anything is possible.

That didn't answer my question about illegal immigration.

I'll elaborate after I shove my boot in your butt.

Hoo, I am fired up today.

You're telling me

not one single entrepreneur, congressperson,

or shady arms dealer with a fanny pack full of passports

is willing to help me finish this wall?

- Yup. - Yup. - Wow.

If you ever want to find out

who your real friends are,

ask them to bankroll a 2,000-mile monstrosity.

Dad, do you think maybe you let Hannity

and all those wild-eyed, screaming fanatics

get to your head?

You could've just taken that grant money

and opened the first all-shade golf course

packed with trees.

I don't know... I'm not the golf child.

I am the golf child.

I am the golf child!

Dad, tell him I'm the golf child!

Just get out of my office. I got some bad stuff to do.

Why did you say you're the golf child?

You know I'm the golf child.

Sarah, you were amazing up there!

I've never seen Jim Acosta sweat from his eyeballs.

Thanks. Speaking of Acosta,

that stuff he brought up,

I don't have to worry, right?

Like, the rest of this wall is gonna get built, right?

Sarah, look me in the forehead.

I've never been more certain of anything in my life.

Now, to ending the scourge of...

I'll tell you later.

Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

I got the wall money.

- Yay! - Wow!

- How'd you get it? - Oh, shut the hell up.

Putin. I guarantee you. Putin.

What? No!

It hadn't even occurred to me.

But if I did, don't worry. I used a nice, secure...

Cell phone to call Vladimir Putin,

who agreed to give the president

the necessary funding for the border wall,

leaving the president indebted to the interests

of a hostile nation.

According to our source, the president already promised Putin

oil drilling rights in Alaska

and an 'anything goes' night alone with the Liberty Bell.

Here's the president addressing the nation.

My fellow Americans, I gave the money back, okay?

And yes, before you ask, with interest.

So, I think we can drop this.

And, by the way,

the wall is just going on short hiatus.

When it comes back, it'll be ten feet higher,

MS-13, blah, blah, blah, blah. Phew.

Miller, you opened my eyes to a world with a wall in it,

and now that wall is dead.

Uh, were we watching the same report?

Because I heard the words "ten feet higher."

From now on, I'm only gonna believe in things

I already see right in front of my face,

like the beetle that just crawled in your one ear

- and came out the other. - Sarah, the wall is going to happen,

and we'll make it together, spikes and all.

I wish I could believe that,

but your forehead lied to me.

You know the worst part about all of this?

I was beginning to like you.

Oh, Jesus Christ, is that how you cry!?

Stop it. It's making my teeth hurt.

The best part about this all-shade golf course

is that I, Donald Trump, am not involved.

What the hell is this?

Excuse me, we have this room booked for another hour.

So now you guys are building stuff without me?

I'm sorry, Daddy, but this whole wall debacle

shows that you've lost your touch.

Now, Karen, hand over that coin from France.

One less thing to pack in my Rapture duffel.

I'm here now with the man

who should be president,

Sebastian Gorka.

As we all know,

89 percent of all illegal immigrants

arrive via parachute,

which is why I propose a deterrent

far superior to a wall...

A bubble-dome.

We shall hire the cheapest labor

from the hill-caves of Macedonia.

When we come back, did the wrong side win the Cold War?

So, if this wall is 100 feet,

then we just need to build 100,000 more of these.

I feel as Sisyphus when he pushed a huge wall

up a huge wall.

But this is my destiny,

and I must forge on... alone.

Oh, no, I'm getting a tan!

Now that the wall is dead,

will the president revive his infrastructure bill?

It's really messed up when someone puts a bunch

of big ol' dreams in your head

and then you find out the dreams are all bullshit,

so you get your husband to shake your head

to get the dreams out, but it only makes you dizzy,

then you gotta talk to dumbass Jim Acosta.

A follow-up question... Is everything okay?

No, Jim, I am falling apart at the seams.

Everybody out!

Go on! Get out!

Hey, did you and Ivanka get in a fight?

Because she just told me she wanted to change

her last name from "Trump" to "LLC".

She's disappointed in me. They all are.

I tried to build a wall and only managed

to swindle one person out of their 401.

Yeah, I just saw Karen heading to the docks

to sell Mike's shirt as a fishing net.

No tax,

but you do have to point me to the bus stop!

Are you here to crap on me, too?

Hey, before this week, I knew you just as the guy

who would license his name for a quick buck.

But, then, you actually tried to build something,

and not for yourself,

but because a bunch of racists wanted it.

And that's worth something.

Thanks, Jared.

I've been meaning to tell you...

Ooh, I'm Jared. I say nice things.

My father-in-law doesn't know

what his daughter sees in me...

Wall wall wall wall wall.

Wall wall wall wall wall.

Sarah! Get your head out of the clouds!

Um, sorry. You were talking about...?

I was saying, "Iran Iran Iran.

Iran Iran Iran Iran."

I'll just come back later.

♪ With all this talk of pragmatism ♪

♪ I failed to see the scope of his nationalist dreams ♪

♪ With all this talk of keeping out the immigrants ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A friend has passed me by, it seems ♪

♪ All the things I'd do for you ♪

- ♪ I'd build a wall for Muslims, too ♪ - ♪ I'd build a wall for Muslims, too ♪

♪ We should've built it up together ♪

♪ Built it up together ♪

♪ In 100 degree weather ♪

♪ And become the greatest oppressors of all time ♪

♪ We could've been the greatest of all time ♪

God, I'm dying.

When that border agent offered me salt or water,

I should've taken water.

What the...?

And who, you ask,

will run this all-shade golf course?

Why, my golf-child, Ivanka.

Oh, Ivanka, that's such bullshit!

Family, I apologize.

Since I took office, I've done a lot of talking

and finally wanted to do something real.

Like you, Don Jr.,

when you set the unofficial record

for tallest pile of burning mattresses.

- Two! - And, Eric,

remember when you made a house for turtles,

but then saw a turtle for the first time,

and realized you just made a house for people?

No! Stop bringing it up!

And, Ivanka, remember, uh...

Yes, Daddy, I do!

You all made something that will outlive yourselves,

something I used to do.

And with this wall,

I just wanted to have that feeling again.

We forgive you, Daddy,

but I'm not sure

if 38 percent of the American public will.

He showed up at my door last night

all covered in cactus forks.

Stephen, tell him what you told me.

I-I've seen the wall.

And it's magnificent.

Yeah!

I'm Wolf Blitzer. I'm still Wolf Blitzer.

President Trump is about to reveal

the future of the Southern border wall

to his supporters,

who are deeply concerned it won't happen.

You should've seen me play volleyball in middle school.

I could've been one of the greats.

Build the wall!

I'm proud to announce

that we have finally built the wall!

- What? - Where is it?

You'll never see it unless you wander this desert

on the brink of death.

You see, America is the land of empty, symbolic gestures,

like the inscription on the Statue of Liberty,

Black History Month, and recycling.

And The Wall is the biggest, emptiest, symbolic gesture of all.

It's a mirage, glistening in the desert.

But the real wall... The wall that keeps people

from ever assimilating in our society...

Is in here...

our hearts.

Every time we sneer at a Mexican woman

ahead of us in line at the grocery store,

that's the wall.

Every time we blame affirmative action

for our dumb kids not getting into Rutgers,

that's the wall.

Do you see it now?

- I see it! - I see it, too!

- Yeah! - It looks good, people.

We built the wall! We built the wall!

Dad built the wall! Dad built the wall!

We did it, Sarah,

and we didn't even need flaming arrows.

Let the mass deportations begin!

All in good time, little, weird guy.

All in good time.

Donald Trump got down on one knee

and presented me with the shiniest diamond of all...

A border wall that stretches ten billion miles

and is as wide as a fool's heart.

Let's bring him out,

my baby, President Donald J. Trump.

Hi, Sean. Helluva wall I built, huh?

I don't know why I left you, Donald.

You're the only one who knows

where to find my racism G-spot.

I'm truly proud of you two.

This must be what Sir Henry the Mighty felt

when he gazed upon the killing fields of yore.

But you have not seen the last

of the Dragon of Budapest!

Gooorkkkaaa!

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!